"ARTIE MEETS AN ALIEN SEX GODDESS"

by Aaron Solomon Adelman

Artie's night had been bad so far, but a truly horrible feeling formed in his stomach when he heard where he was being sent: the weird part of town. Lawndale did have a lot of weirdoes, but this apartment building was where the weirdest of the weirdoes lived—and if there was anything Artie hated, it was weirdoes.

Carrying a pizza box, Artie walked down the hall to apartment 3D and knocked on the door.

The door opened, revealing a blond-haired woman who shared Christina Aguilera's taste in clothing yet somehow reminded him of the alien sex goddess Daria. She looked very familiar.

"Pizza delivery," said Artie, feeling what he suspected was the effects of pheromones magnified by extraterrestrial technology.

"Ah, come on in," said the woman, almost seductively.

Nervously Artie did as he was bid and found himself in an apartment decorated with rock paraphernalia.

"Just put the pizza on the coffee table while I get some cash," said the woman, exiting the room. "I'll be just a moment."

As Artie followed this latest instruction, it hit him who the inhabitant of this apartment was. "You're in a band!" he exclaimed as she reentered the room. "I've seen you on-stage! You're awesome!"

"Cindy Blenko, Pleasure Princess of Lawndale, at your service" was the reply. "Keep the change," she added, handing him a 20.

"Thanks," Artie replied. He started towards the door, but he suddenly found his way blocked.

"There's no need for you to leave so soon," said Cindy, draping her arms on his shoulders and pressing her body against his.

"But I'm on call!" objected Artie. "I have other pizzas to deliver!"

"Do be reasonable," said the musician. "You're a nice-looking guy, and I'm a gorgeous woman who has the hots for her fans."

"But—" said Artie.

"Now who wouldn't want to spend a night of passion in the bedroom of an alien sex goddess?" continued Cindy, the last three words making Artie feel panic. "Think for a moment: what is it that you really want to do: deliver pizzas, or have passionate sex with me till dawn?"

Artie bolted and ran out of the room. There is no way he was going to spend the night with one of his archenemies, no matter how pleasurable a night it would be.

Cindy stood there for a moment in shock. She stirred from her reverie when Monique and two other goths who looked remarkably like Halloween and Memorial Day from "Death Takes a Holiday" entered the room.

"Cindy, you're got to stop hitting on our fans," lectured Monique.

"Bah," spat Cindy in a monotone voice. "I'm just harnessing a standard fantasy many fans have about musicians. And it wasn't like I was actually going to have sex with him."

"As if drugging someone and telling him in the morning he was wonderful was much better," commented "Halloween".

"I'm trying to make us popular!" objecd Cindy. "Can't you understand that?"

"It's your methods we object to, not your goal," noted "Memorial Day".

"Not to mention that you've gotten even worse than usual since we changed our name to 'The Alien Sex Goddesses'," added Monique. "All those in favor of changing our name back to the 'The Harpies', say 'aye'."

"Aye," said everyone but Cindy.

"You guys are no fun," said Cindy, almost pouty.

"Tough," said Monique, picking up the pizza. "Now, unless you have something important to tell us, we'll be in the kitchen eating.

With that the goths left the room, leaving Cindy alone.

"Great. There goes my amusement for the evening," mumbled Cindy. After a moment, she felt inspired and made a telephone call. "Hey, Charles," she said using her seductive voice into the reciever. "How's that project you've been working on going?" After a pause she continued. "Good! How about I come on over and review your work, not to mention show you some gratitude..."