MAX & NICK
Nick and Max!
by
NAPALM KRIGBAUM
(That was your only warning to run while you still can)
I tore past the city limits as the aliens, beckoning me to return to them had descended on me like a cloud of something scary.
“I lost this job to you once! I’m not gonna lose it again, darn aliens!”
Just another delivery and that should be it for the night! I could see them clearly in the Pinto’s creaking rearview. I adjusted it for the millionth time, if I could keep it trained on them they couldn’t get me-
“The reflection confuses them, kind of like when I flail my arms in the air while running in circles screaming ‘Aud lang sine!’ I guess if anyone saw me they’d call the cops and lock me up, only crazy people do that…unless they have the optical-neural implant that make the aliens visible to me! I tried to get a scientist to look at it once, but it wasn’t any use, it was made of stealth alloys and even I can only feel it when my skin shrinks too tight. One of them was an alien in disguise conspiring against me- he put me on medication and tried to make me forget, but I remembered everything, darn aliens!”
I would
have started talking earlier but I only activated my black box tonight, I was
in the alien love goddesses house- who will remain nameless for her own safety-
I love you Daria! I mean Notdaria, she’s not Daria Morgendorffer at
found my internal black box located in my throat, like if you’re an army scientist at home and like telling your kids how there aren’t any aliens or something silly then you got called in and you rushed and got coffee on you and stuff so you had to go back home and change and stuff then try coming back here again after you change into a good uniform, but not as good as your old one because you army scientist guys like clean clothes and stuff, you can tell I’m not talking to myself, but to whoever finds my body- you and the other guys who where in the room before you whoa re probably laughing and making fun of you because you got coffee on yourself again, so rewind the box to whenever you came in and listen to me! I think they’re here to get me for good! I’ve said too much to save mankind! Will you erect a statue of me next to the guy who stands in one place and bounces a ball all day? That’s all I ask for. Anyway, I’m delivering a pizza to the camp grounds outside of town, maybe I can shake them! Wish me luck army scientist guys! And don’t touch my left index finger- it’s booby trapped!”
I had rounded a corner at about 70 miles an hour and the aliens were still coming! But the tail lights confused them. Wait; maybe I should say that for the army scientist guys.
“Tail lights confuse them! I’m done talking now; you can go back to drinking coffee now!”
I adjusted the mirror again and it snapped off so I threw it out the window in a panicked frenzy.
“Our lady of alien love don’t fail me now!”
I was lucky, the aliens hoarded toward the mirror on the road, they sought my image trapped within it. I would have to get it back later when they’re gone, but it kept them away from me for now. I breathed deeply and pulled off the paved road into the camp ground. I could see the bright fire of my destination at the end of this long stretch of dirt. The trees and tall grass here were perfect cover for me. I saw a black van in a clearing near a fire where two guys- one big and bald, and the other a stick like fellow with a purple hair tuft.
“Zaruthian spies! They’ve ambushed me! No, wait, Zaruthians don’t like pizza. Maybe it’s a trick. But what if they’re only here to get me, not the pizza? Wait, Zaruthians are very cheap, they wouldn’t waste the money on the phone call. Phew! I’m safe.”
I pulled up to the campfire; it was nice and warm, so my skin relaxed. I pulled their pizza from the car with me and decided not to lock the door, in case I needed to make a quick get away. But what if they sneak in? Better lock it, but they can warp through our locks.
“Hey Max, he looks like Monique that time she had the bad-”
“Shut up, she had the brown-”
“Hi, I’m Artie! Here’s your pizza! It’s ready!” I thought it was best to introduce myself, so as to let them know I was cool and okay.
“Cool, we’ll take half and you can keep the rest.” The bald one wanted me to keep half of it for myself? What a tip!
“Wow, thanks! Now if you pay me I can be on my way!”
“Pay him Nick.”
The purple haired one pulled out some money and I counted it. Something was terribly wrong.
“It’s Zaruthian! You are spies! AH!” I threw the money at his feet and tried to run to the car and get away but I had locked my keys in. Was this the end?
“Zaruthian?” I heard the one called Nick say between my wails of defeat.
“No man, we’re not religious, I’m a criminale, he’s just poor white trash.”
“Shut up teddy bear lover!”
“Dammit, I’m gonna kick your ass. I don’t even know why I invited you on my Zen quest out here with me.”
“You needed someone to bring food, remember?”
“If you remembered anything it would have been to bring the damn food!” Now ‘Max’, as he was called was shaking a fist at the smaller one, who backed off. Was it possible they where telling the truth? Could they have just gotten the money with Zaruthian writing on it accidentally? Now they looked at my shivering form in curiosity, I’d seen that defiling look before.
‘Nick’ picked up the pizza box and offered a slice toward me. A peace offering.
“What are you doing Nick?”
“I’m gonna lure him over so we can pay him. Here pizza guy…have a slice…”
“My name is Artie.”
“Yeah, call him Artie.” Maybe I can use a mind control trick on him; I’d never used one before, but maybe.
“I’m not the pizza boy you’re looking for.”
“Oh, is someone else supposed to come by and we pay him later?” Now he looked confused, but ‘Max’ I think knew what was going on.
“Maybe they’re trying out some kind of ‘try it before you buy it’ deal.” Or not.
“Oh, well…that sounds pretty cool.” ‘Nick’ dropped the slice and ‘Max’ threw it at him.
“Actually if you can just pay me now I can be on my way.”
“Ah! Pizza hair!” ‘Nick’ violently swung his head around in a vain effort to get it out but this only pissed off the tall one more.
“Stop that! You’re getting pizza on me!”
“You started it!”
“And I finished it!”
“If you-” But that was all he got out before the tall one pushed him to the ground and shoved the slice in his mouth, then took the whole box and dumped it on him.
“Welcome to pizza heaven bitch!”
“GAH!” ‘Nick’ coughed up the slice and started squealing. “Now we have to buy the whole pizza!”
‘Max’ jumped up in frustration and began to swear a lot, swearing…or something else? Then we locked eyes, I heard him speak in his native tongue and he had me paralyzed.
“We have half the cash, maybe we can uh...trade?” Bartering, a very Zaruthian trait, I’m never gonna ignore my superhuman instincts again! Maybe though…maybe he was an outsider, a Zaruthian on the run. Hiding out in
this recreation of Zaru II. A friendly.
“What you wanna to trade?”
“Um…I have a van.” He gestured at his black behemoth, maybe I should- no, it would impolite to refuse and Zaruthians behead people for less.
“I’ll take it.”
I sat in wonder at the controls of this machine. The perfect getaway ride!
“They’ll never catch me now!”
“Don’t be
too sure, one time in
“We’re cool then?”
“Yeah! This is awesome!”
He handed me the other half of my pay and the keys before clearing out.
“
“Hey, I got three packets of that powdered cheese stuff too, and I was covering for your sorry ass!”
“Oh yeah, thanks man. I’ll pay you back later.”
“We’re cool.”
On that note I powered it up and…it made funny sounds then died. I tried again but apparently the ship was programmed only to respond to a Zaruthian’s touch. I checked my watch-
“GAH! I only have five more minutes!” I panicked, then began reciting the lyrics to “White Rabbit”, backwards of course, it was the only way to calm the skin instantly. A neat trick I’d learned just last week.
I took the rearview mirror, my only defense against the onslaught still searching for me, and the roll of duct tape off the floor and flung open the door.
“You need any-” No time to listen to baldy talk.
“We’re even now!” I shouted at him, then suddenly everything went very wrong. I tripped and slammed into the ground.
“My internal black box! It’s ruined! No! GAH! I’m almost out of time!”
I ran to the Pinto and slammed into the door hard enough to force it open. I turned to my tormentors, this was their doing!
“I know it was you! You mind locked my door! You wanted to trap me! You’re out for my love goddess and you killed Tommy Sherman!!!”
I got in and threw the car into reverse, slammed into a tree, was the muffler dragging? No time- had to escape.
Within minutes I was back in town, ready for this bad night to end. Zaruthians fear sun light you know.
Oh mama, is this really…
THE END?
Stuck outside of
And on this note Daria plays her harmonica, ending this chapter of Artie’s night…or is it morning?
© 2003 Napalm Krigbaum. Artie, Nick and Max are pimped by MTV, who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom.