Red Leg Rick
"Artie!"
shouted the kitchen manager over the general din of the pizzeria. "Got another delivery, alien-boy. Think you can get
this one to 'em without seeing E.T.?"
Artie looked bashful at the abuse, but nodded sadly.
The fat man scowled like a
Artie grabbed the box and trotted out to the
laughter of the kitchen hands as the manager shook his head in disgust. "Awright! Ten bucks sez he sees the eight eyed monster again! Who's in?"
he bawled, as soon as Artie's battered K-car chugged away.
"Those darn aliens!" he whined, as he
parked the decrepit sedan in front of a sumptuous red-brick Tudor. He crept up
carefully, ever mindful of the shrubs in front. Just to be on the safe side, he
peered through them cautiously before ringing the doorbell...
"Hey! What're you doing?" An agitated
male voice cried out as Artie poked him hard in the ribs. Artie screamed
shrilly, almost dropping the pizza and causing Jake to back away as well.
"Yeeeeeeeeee!
Oh! I'm sorry, sir! J-just checking for any, ali-uh...
muggers! Here you go! Large three topping, t-that'll be seventeen
forty-seven." he managed to stammer out.
"Wow! That's a lot for a pizza there, fella. Hold on a minute," Jake said as he dug through
his pockets. "Whattaya know,
all I got is a five. Come on in, I'll get the rest for ya."
he added cheerfully.
Artie gulped, and though he wasn't really
supposed to, stepped inside. After all, this guy didn't LOOK like an alien, did
he? He stood there, looking around until he heard footsteps descending the
staircase. Looking up, he gasped.
"You again!"
The girl rolled her eyes and made a strangled sound as she pushed past him, and
quickly walked away. He stared at the auburn haired, bespectacled figure until
it was swallowed by the deepening shades of twilight.
"There ya
go!" as a hand clapped him on his shoulder.
"EEEEEEEP!!!!"
Artie screamed, once again almost dropping the pie as he lept
away.
"Are you sure you're cut out for delivering
pizzas, fella?" Jake asked cautiously, as Helen
ducked out of her office at the commotion.
"I mean, I can understand if this were in
the city, but...Anyway, her ya go!" he added
cheerfully, proffering the cash.
"What in blazes is going on out here?"
demanded Helen, phone still to her ear. "No, not YOU Eric, there's just a
screaming pizza boy here. What's that? No, he's not in a boy band, and I don't
think he's been hurt. Can I get back to you?" she added, giving Jake and
Artie an evil look.
"Jake! What did you do to this poor young
man? It sounded like pigs being murdered down here!" Her husband looked
perplexed as he replied,
"I didn't do ANYTHING, honey. I just
startled him when he was peeking in our bushes, that's
all." Artie looked downcast. He was still trembling slightly from seeing
the girl again, and the man startling him.
"Looking through our bushes? Explain
yourself, buster!" Helen demanded Artie, who was now attempting slink back
to the door.
"Uh, I was simply checking if there were
any ali..uhhhhrobbers hiding
there. Here's your pizza! Can I go, please?" he begged. It was almost
there. The man had the money. He still had the pizza. No aliens outside. Could
these "people" be aliens? Was that really the girl? He trembled
harder as he realized they were both looking at him intently.
"Are you all right?" they said
together. Helen exchanged a confused glance with Jake. "You're as white as
a sheet! Do you need to sit down?" she added, in a worried tone.
"Yeah, big guy!
You look like you've seen a ghost or something! Go on, take a load off! I
insist!" Jake said cheerfully, earning himself a warning glance from his
wife.
"No! I mean, I...Can't. Yeah. I...have to
deliver....more pizzas...here...Take it. please?"
he stammered, as he started to back away.
Helen looked at Jake again, but before she could
comment, the phone in her hand rang. Grateful that she now had an excuse to
leave this strange person, she said, "Jake, take care of this. And next
time, don't order from that pizzeria again. They seem to hire the strangest
people. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time they send an illegal alien to
deliver."
"Oh how I hate those rotten, stinkin' aliens!" Jake began to rant, until Helen
pointed at the cowering deliveryman behind them.
"Ooops!
Sorry Honey! I'll take care of this right away!" he replied cheerily,
holding up the money. She scowled and returned to her phone conversation,
shaking her head in disgust.
"Here you, 'dude', all I have is a twenty. Now, how much was that again?" Jake asked.
Of course, the only word Artie had made out of
their whispered conversation was 'alien', and whatever the price of the pizza
was had been totally forgotten. His insanely over active imagination was now
going like a runaway semi loaded with bridge parts down a steep hill, and the
school bus pulled out in front when a strident young female voice interjected:
"Daddy? You haven't seen my sea-cucumber
mask remover anywhere, have you?"
"EEEEEEP!!!!"
Jake and Artie exclaimed at the apparition descending the stairs. Underneath
the flowing red locks of a thin girl, a greenish grey face peered out from tiny
dark sunglasses.
"EEEEEEEEEEP!!!" the apparition
squealed, as she realized her father was standing with a stranger. A geeky stranger. "Mu-om!!! Daddy let some geek in the house!!! And he
saw me without my face on!!!! Heeeellllppp!!!"
as she pounded back upstairs.
It was too much for Artie. He dropped the pie
and desperately clawed for the doorknob as Jake chuckled after recovering his
composure.
"Wheww!
For minute there, I thought we'd been invaded there! Now, how much is that
pizza, again. Hey!" he exclaimed, seeing the box on the floor, and Artie
trying to escape.
"I should get a discount now, seeing that
you've dropped it! You really should sit down there, fella.
They must be working you too hard, right?" Jake added, as he scooped up
the box, and pushed Artie into a chair. He plopped the box down on the coffee
table to inspect it.
"Awww, it's still
okay. You take a breather, buddy. Want a little martooney?"
he asked conspiratorially. Artie sat there, totally freaked out, his mouth
opening and closing spasmodically.
"Ninghapootahhhhhyingahahah..."
he babbled, as Jake sprang to the sideboard and retrieved a glass pitcher and
two long stemmed glasses
He shook his head as Jake shoved on in his hand
and poured it full of clear fluid.
Ignoring him, Jake explained, "Don't worry
about a thing! If you're boss asks if you've been drinking, I'll cover for ya! Go on! I have a special recipe for martinis, and you,
my young friend, look like you can use one. Drink up!"
Artie looked at the glass numbly, and took a
cautious sip. Jake, overjoyed at his acceptance, clapped him on the shoulder,
causing him to take an involuntary deep breath again. Most of the drink sprayed
over the living room, but a good portion made it inside. Jake guffawed.
"Don't worry about that! It'll dry right
up! Have another one, and when you've settled down, maybe you can tell me how
much that pie is, right?"
" I really gotta
be going! The pizza's free! I just don't want to be probed again! Please?"
he whined. Jake furrowed his brow.
"Probed? Oh, I get it. Don't worry, fella. I'm not "that
way", if that's what you think. I remember they
used to think I was, back in military school." he replied, his cheer
replaced by a sullen anger as he continued, "Ohhh
Yeahhhh. Let me tell you all about military school,
buddy..."
Three hours later, Artie staggered away from the
red brick house, laughing maniacally at the numerous messages on his pager as
he stumbled into the trees to vomit.
Overhead, the cloaked Arcturan
scout craft hovered silently, while two of its crew observed their monitor.
"So Glurgg, do we
take samples from this one?" an animated pile of gelatinous flesh with too
many eyes asked another.
"No, Florvax,
after the last one, the one called "Kyewbee,"
we'd better call it a night. Besides, from the sensors, this one is thoroughly
toxic. He does look familiar though, doesn't he?"
"Indeed he does. Unfortunately, he appears
not to have the delicious saucer food items he had last time. Besides, it's almost
time for 'Buffy'."
"I almost forgot! I hope it's not another
rerun, Florvax."
"I as well, Glurgg."
With that, the cloaked saucer accelerated away
into the