ANOTHER
STUPID DARIA INTERNSHIP FIC
A fanfic
by Brother Grimace
(AUTHOR’S NOTE: This fic was
inspired by Roger E. Moore’s fic ‘Through A Scooby Darkly’, where
Scooby-Doo takes it on the chin. Now, you know whom to blame for this.
Also, this takes place roughly two months after the events in ‘Is It
College Yet?’)
(Scene: The Morgendorffer
home. Daria sits in the living room and watches TV while Catbert, the
Evil Director of Human Resources, sits on the couch next to her and
reads a dog-eared copy of ‘The 100 Things I’d Do If I Were An Evil
Overlord: The Corporate Version’.
‘Sick, Sad World’ Announcer:
(OS) They lie, they cheat, they try to wear five-inch heels and they
worship Yanni! ‘The Average Woman – If We Couldn’t Sleep With You,
There’d Be Bounties On Your Heads!’ That’s NEXT – on ‘Sick, Sad World!’
(Catbert lifts her head and looks at Daria.)
Daria: (not even looking) One
word from you and I kick for distance.
Catbert: This is how you
treat the cat overseeing your internship?
Daria: I am wearing
steel-toed boots. Your pelt and bones will just wrap around them like a
soft, fluffy bath towel.
Catbert: Okay, watch the
stupid show. (beat) A REALLY good intern would be studying her company
texts.
Daria: A REALLY good intern
would be out looking for reinforced kneepads.
(Catbert starts to speak, but
thinks better of it and turns back to his book.)
Daria: What are you reading,
anyway?
Catbert: None of – (He goes
quiet and looks up as Quinn prances down the stairs.)
Quinn: Oh, Dar-riaaaaa… (She
stops as she sees Catbert on the couch.) What is that thing doing in
here? (Catbert keeps flicking his claws as Quinn keeps talking.) Mom
didn’t say that we could have pets!
Daria: Then how do you
explain Tiffany and Stacy?
Quinn: Oh, ha, ha, ha. (beat)
Is THAT supposed to be a cat? It’s so mangy, those ears look like
little demon-horns – and WHY is it wearing glasses?
Catbert: To better see what
you’ve got coming in your future, you shrimp-haired heifer- (He’s cut
off as Daria pushes his head down into the sofa cushions.)
Quinn: What did you say?
Daria: That was the TV.
Quinn: (glancing over and
grimacing at the SWW logo) Oh, okay. (beat) I’m off to shop –
don’t wait up!
Catbert: (muffled) Dying
here.
Daria: (letting him up) Sorry
about that.
Catbert: Well, I can tell you
who’s never going to see a raspy tongue ever again…
Daria: I’ll let you desecrate
her smiley-face pillow later.
Quinn: Throw in an extra two
minutes before you come to get me after she catches me watching her in
the shower. (beat) Her AND your mom.
Daria: Deal – and any
scalding-hot water you encounter is your problem. (They settle back
when a frantic knocking comes from the door.)
Catbert: (cocking an ear
back) Idiot?
Daria: Idiot. (She starts to
rise when the door flies open and Kevin Thompson rushes in, his goofy
look of happy ignorance now speckled with worry.)
Kevin: You’ve gotta help me,
Daria, you’ve gotta!
Catbert: And just how does
this boil on the buttocks of our collective intelligence know where you
live…?
Daria: What I want to know is
why the house lasers didn’t crisp him like blackened whitefish.
Catbert: (slowly shaking his
head) You’re such a child, Daria. Blades, or boiling fluids that adhere
to the body.
Kevin: (totally oblivious to
what was just said) You’ve gotta help me, Daria, you just gotta!
Daria: (eyebrows raised) I do?
Kevin: Ms. Li wouldn’t let me
graduate, so that means I’ll still be the QB next year, so that’s cool,
but Britt WON’T be the head cheerleader, and that blows ‘cause next
year she won’t get the chance to after we win games except for when she
comes home from college for breaks! What’ll I do, Daria? You’re a
brain, so help me, please!
(Daria and Catbert look at
one another, then back to Kevin.)
Catbert: May I?
Daria: Take him. (Kevin takes
a quick step back as Catbert stands up on his hind legs and claps his
front paws together twice.)
(Daria’s eyes widen slightly
as the front door flies open to admit a flood of rats that encircle a
screaming Kevin, then sweep him up and away within a flood of black,
brown and gray fur! The door slams shut, and Daria & Catbert go to
the front window, where Kevin is seen as he screams and flails about to
no avail on the front lawn as the rats swirl around and over him like a
tornado of vermin! The rats suddenly fall away and disappear into the
night to reveal a polished skeleton, an undisturbed head of hair, and a
stunningly overstuffed gym sock lying on the ground.)
Catbert: Impressive.
Daria: Most impressive. (The
doorbell rings, and Daria opens it to reveal ‘the man’ from ‘The Sun
Will Come Out, Tomorrow’.)
The Man: (slightly surprised
to see Daria) Oh, it is your home. Nice to see you again – (glances at
Catbert) - although I’d thought you’d have better taste in companions.
Catbert: Get buggered by a
water buffalo.
Daria: Do I know you?
The Man: What happened to
that red-haired boy with the ones and zeroes fixation? (He steps inside
without being invited.) Oh, right, that’s Nielsen’s throw. (beat; snaps
his fingers) SLOANE! Tom Sloane – you’re dating him, right?
Daria: One – Info’s off by a
couple of months. Two – who ARE you?
The Man: We’ll talk later – I
promise. (beat) Catbert?
Catbert: Yeah. Where do I
sign?
The Man: (bringing out a
Tablet PC) Sign here, here and here, initial here and here, and I’ll
need a paw print here. (Catbert does so as Daria watches with her mouth
slightly open, and ‘the man’ prints off a sheet of paper.) Your receipt
for services rendered.
Catbert: No charge?
The Man: You’ve got credit on
the books. (to Daria) Until our next meeting, Miss Morgendorffer. I’ll
see myself out.
Catbert: Later. (The man
leaves, and Daria & Catbert return to their spots on the sofa.)
Daria: That was almost
inspirational.
Catbert: Well, he’s always
had that effect on the ladies…
Daria: The rats, not the man.
Catbert: And yet, we still
have no idea as to why questions still arise as to the nature of our
sexual inclinations…
Daria: Excuse me. Am I going
to be lectured to about whether I want a ‘His’ or a second ‘Hers’ towel
in my bathroom by a creature that hefts its leg skyward and gratifies
itself in public at the drop of a hat?
Catbert: (singing quite
off-key) ‘…Singing the blues while the lady cats cry/Wow, stray cat,
you’re a real gone guy/I wish I could be as carefree and wild/But I got
cat class and I got cat style’.
Daria: (through a pained
grimace) Thank you very much. That’s a year of therapy that needs to
happen. (She yawns, and glances at what Catbert is reading.) What’s
that you’re going through?
Catbert: Everything you need
to get ahead in business, make ungodly amounts of money and power, and
yet stay below the radar. (A TRULY evil smile crosses his face.)
Someday – I may let you touch it.
Daria: No time like the
present. (She snatches the book away, whistles, and Jane Lane bursts
out of the kitchen with a canine posse close behind!)
Jane: THERE he is! GET HIM!
(Lassie barks several times, and Jane cocks her head to one side.)
What’s that, Lassie? You and your friends are gonna take Mr.
Pointy-Ears here in the back, and mess him up real bad? (As if in
answer, Snoopy pops a switchblade, Dyno-Mutt brings up a
bionically-attached chainsaw and Bandit pulls out a silenced pistol
while Muttley giggles manically, and Sparky the Gay Dog steps forward
to scratch his crotch while giving Catbert a VERY scary look.)
Scooby-Doo: Rore rucked rig
rime, Ratrert!
(Catbert screams like the
Gestapo agent in ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ as the dogs drag him into
the kitchen, where the sounds of power tools running and soft, wet,
pulpy masses hitting the walls drown out the hissing and gurgles of
abject pain and suffering.)
Jane: Now THAT was a ‘jack.
(beat; looks back into the kitchen) Your mom’s gonna throw a fit.
Daria: Nah. She’ll just think
Dad went overboard on making Chinese. (She starts to thumb through
Catbert’s book.) Hmmmn…
Jane: What’s that?
Daria: Stuff that I need to
read over to make my internship a better experience.
Jane: Well, why don’t we read
it over pizza?
Daria: (her eyebrows raised
as she reads) Yeah – and lets not skimp. Chez Pierre.
Jane: (knocked back) Wow –YOU
wanna go THERE? What bug got up your butt?
Daria: (nonchalantly) Oh,
just want to see how we’ll be eating from now on, whenever we want to
piss off everyone in sight.
Jane: Really…? (beat;
fingering the book) Can I read that, when you’re done?
Daria: If you want to rule
the world with me, you can. (Daria holds the book open as Jane leans
in, and her eyes go wide.) See?
Jane: All I know is that I’m
going to love having my artwork in the Louvre and the Smithsonian.
(beat) Let’s go eat.
Daria: Of course, we’ll have
to make sure that the waiter that serves us is the one Quinn always has…
Jane: And we’ll have to stay
until they burn the unidentifiable things just right.
(Daria and Jane head for the
door and leave, not pausing at the sound of a final wet, fleshy THWACK!
against a kitchen wall, followed by the happy barking of several dogs.)
THE END
11 October 2003