‘‘THE DEVIL IN MISS MORGENDORFFER’
A ‘Daria’ fanfiction
by
Brother Grimace
NOTE: This fanfic is situated directly at the end of Season Two,
immediately following ‘Write Where It Hurts’. It is rated TV-14-DLSV –
and when I say it’s rated TV-14, I REALLY mean that it’s rated TV-14!
(Nogginites and thin-skinned folks, you have been warned!)
First, a special word of thanks to Deref, who came up with the title
for this fic, Galen Hardesty (the main plotline in ‘TDIMM’ springs
directly from Young Daria’s adventures in ‘Brainworms From Outer
Space’), and C.E. Forman (Sandi’s latest trial is a direct result of
the events in ‘No Picnic’). Another word goes out to two great guys –
Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye, the creators of ‘Married… With
Children’. Those two were a BIG influence on my comedic style, such as
it is. Also, a nod to Invisigoth Gypsy for touching on her fic
‘Conformity For Hire’ (which includes one of the funniest dream
sequences in Dariafic).
Finally, a nod of recognition to those unsung heroes of fanfic – the
beta-readers. Thanks go out to: Canadibrit, Crusading Saint, Deref and
Galen Hardesty, who weren’t concerned about sparing my feelings when I
made mistakes.
This fic – my very first foray into ‘canon’ Dariafic, not to mention
comedy - is dedicated to all those folks over on the ‘Scorched
Remnants’ message board, who rightly pointed out something that a lot
of us (me CERTAINLY included) seem to forget every now and then:
‘Daria’ is a comedy. This one’s for you, those among the masses who
like to laugh. I hope I at least made someone smile…
- ACT I -
FADE IN.
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer living room. Daria & Jane are on the
couch, the frayed remnants of a sleepover marathon scattered about the
room. The two girls are focused on the television.)
‘Sick, Sad World’ Announcer: Can the cure for insanity be as simple as
eating CHOCOLATE? ‘Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don’t’
– a ‘Sick, Sad World’ EXCLUSIVE, coming up next!
Jane: Sometimes, it’s really sad to see your favorite show go down.
Daria: This show never had an ‘up’.
Jane: No kidding.
Daria Pass the pizza rolls.
Jane: They’re cold.
Daria: Pass ‘em over.
Jane: Not gonna miss a single moment, hmn?
Daria: Not a single one. (They chomp away as Quinn follows Helen down
the stairs, her face locked into full ‘plead-for-the-gold-card’ look.)
Melodrama alert. This is not a drill.
Jane: I guess we’ll have to ride this one out.
Daria: I knew we should have gone over to your place when my TV went
‘poof’.
Jane: Uh, let’s check the reasons why we didn’t go over to my place.
(beat) Oh, yeah. When my brother’s in sight, YOU lose the ability to
operate in normal reality! (beat) Especially at night… just thinking of
him all alone in his cool, dark room, lying back with his shirt off,
moonlight glistening over his skin, and you just down the hall in my
room, almost able to feel the touch of his body under your fingertips,
the scent of him in your nostrils, and the warming of his breath making
the hairs on the back of your neck stand up… (She smirks as the bowl of
pizza rolls drops from Daria’s hands, then reaches down and starts to
pick them up, trying VERY hard not to laugh at the body-wide blush
Daria’s sporting.)
Daria: I hate you.
Jane: Yeah, right. You’re still naming your first-born girl-child after
me.
Quinn: Mo-ooom, you just DON’T understand! I HAVE to go to the mall
this morning! It’s important!
Daria: ‘Boys R’ Men’ will be there for their new charity cause.
Jane: ‘Pop Stars for the Poor’?
Daria: ‘Boogie for Babies Born with Bad Stuff’.
Jane: Yeah – I gave to that one.
Daria: So did I. I gave my bottom an extra shake on the towel after my
shower.
Helen: (more than tired already) Daria…
Quinn: Mom, I’m taking RACHEL to the mall! I’m teaching her everything
she needs to know about clothes, and boys, and how to be popular! She
needs to have someone like me so she can learn the proper use of
moisturizer, and how to do her hair just right for any situation!
(weighty, dramatic pause) Mother – she has great potential, and it’s my
responsibility to see that she uses what she has for good.
Jane: I didn’t know coordinating colors was a superpower.
Daria: They are The Fashion Club – working the runway of a world that
idolizes and emulates them, simply because they wear natural fibers.
Quinn: At least I’M doing something to give back to my community,
Daria. What have you contributed lately?
Daria: I’ve given plenty to my community. (belches) See? Words of
inspiration to my classmates.
Jane: You should see the comments she has to make when she’s eaten Thai
food.
Helen: (getting a sudden gleam in her eye) Daria… have you joined any
clubs lately?
Daria: Well, I was considering the ‘I’ve Got Common Sense’ club, but it
got shut down for lack of members, and the ‘Lawndale Teens With
Disturbing Relationships Alliance’ turned me down flat as soon as I
said that, just like other kids, I don’t walk the ground my mom walks
on.
Jane: You know, I painted a portrait of your friend Lurman, and now
those folks just WON’T leave me alone! (beat) They think that I’m into
mandrills. Don’t ask.
Helen: I just had a wonderful idea…
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer’s Lexus. Daria & Jane are up front, while
Quinn, Rachel Landon and Stacy Rowe ride in back.)
Daria: Count on Mom to try to teach a lesson in looking out for others.
(beat) A lawyer talking about civic responsibility and being a Good
Samaritan. Mother Theresa’s probably spinning so fast that she’ll hit
magma at any moment. (beat) I can’t believe she made me take the car.
Jane: What I want to know is when ‘in loco parentis’ started applying
to best friends.
Daria: At least we got lunch money out of the deal. (beat) It’ll help
to have something to choke on when the Baroness of Baby T’s begins her
lecture on the right outfit for every dating situation.
Jane: Really? What if he’s got a cute brother, but the brother’s got to
get on a space shuttle and save the human race from an invasion of
telemarketing rats from Planet X?
Daria: The little black dress, because if you add gloves, a
wide-brimmed hat & a veil you can mourn in it if he doesn’t come
back, but if he does, you can wear it to the award ceremony with a
matching jacket, and take the jacket off to go out to the club for
dancing afterward.
Quinn: I AM sitting right behind you, as if it matters.
Rachel: Why are they saying such mean things about you, Quinn?
Quinn: (with a serene sigh) The uneducated mock what they don’t
understand, Rachel… but you must not be angry with them, because
they’re also afraid. Afraid of us, true, but they’re also afraid of
themselves: afraid of what they could be if they tried.
Rachel: Really?
Quinn: You have to understand what fear does to them, my young
padawan-learner. Fear leads to anger – anger leads to hate – and hate
leads… to suffering. (Quinn lifts her hand like a TV-evangelist and
motions towards Daria and Jane.) Don’t you see how they’re suffering,
Rachel? Bad hair and complexions, wardrobe choices only the ignorant
could make, no cute boys anywhere in sight. They want to be like us,
but they’re afraid to take that first step… and they’re suffering for
it. (pause) Pity them, Rachel. Pray for them.
Rachel: Poor, sad girls.
Stacy: Oh, Quinn, you’re such a good person!
Rachel: When I go to high school, I want to be just like you.
Quinn: No, Rachel. Always be yourself – but be fashionable. (She looks
smugly forward, and Jane notices Daria’s hands gripping the steering
wheel VERY tightly.)
Jane: Daria Louise Morgendorffer, this car is not allowed to crash
unless I’M driving it!
Daria: The cliff hasn’t been found that’s high enough for me to drive
off now. (beat) When I’m done, they’ll have to ID her smiley-T with DNA
records.
Quinn: (smiling) Oh, yes. Daria was right – in the situation she
described, a black dress with the accessories she chose would be
perfect! (beat) You see, Rachel – there IS hope for even the most
unpopular of girls, no matter how boy-repellant her clothing may be or
how much she says that she thinks what we do is frivolous and trite.
Remember – inside every Janeane Garofolo, there’s an Uma Thurman
waiting to come out, and an Ethan Hawke waiting somewhere to take her
hand… (Quinn looks directly into Daria’s eyes.) Or serenade her with
his guitar as he sits on his bed in his cool, dark room… (She smirks at
the blush that appears on Daria’s cheeks.)
Jane: A certified Morgendorffer trait… slowly turning the knife.
(SCENE: Cranberry Commons. Quinn and Stacy stand at a full-length
mirror in the dressing area of J.J. Jeeters, watching as Rachel tries
on a sweater.)
Rachel: How about this one?
Quinn: It’s not you, Rachel. It just screams ‘7th Heaven’ when what you
want is a little more ‘Buffy’. You want to let people know that you’re
a good girl, but not a ‘brownie hound’.
Rachel: You can tell that by what people wear?
Quinn: Clothing is more than just a collection of styles and trends.
It’s a way of life, with a language that is all its own.
Rachel: (smoothing out a sleeve) Quinn, I was wondering about
something. Why did we come here? I mean, Sandi’s always talking about
this place and saying how cheap it is…
Quinn: And that’s part of today’s lesson. Someday, you might need to
actually choose things off the rack – the CHEAP rack - in order to put
together an ensemble that kills, and it’s VERY important that you get
hands-on experience so that you can still find just the right pieces.
(beat) Remember – any competent cook can work with Kobe beef, but only
he who can dazzle with ground chuck truly deserves to be known as a
chef. (pause) No, that’s just not your look. Maybe when you’re older …
Rachel: I guess I’ll try the other one. (She goes into the dressing
room just as Sandi and Tiffany walk into view.)
Sandi: Well, I see that we’re giving out fashion tips without
consulting me, Quinn.
Quinn: Oh, hi, Sandi! No, I was just showing Rachel Landon how she
should dress.
Sandi: And isn’t THAT a violation of Fashion Club rules?
Quinn: Sandi, she’s my apprentice! Fashion Club rules say that any
member can teach a younger person the ways of fashion if they show the
potential to be a future member, and if we submit notes on their
progress…
Sandi: (sniffing) Well, I haven’t seen any notes…
Quinn: (to Stacy) Stacy, I gave you my notes to write up for the next
meeting & to make copies for Sandi –
Stacy: I left them on my desk, and the new cat got it, and – I’m SORRY!
(She almost breaks down in tears, but Quinn pats her on the shoulder.)
Quinn: (consoling Stacy) Don’t worry, I’ve got everything done on my
computer. (to Sandi) I’ll have them for you tonight. (Rachel returns at
that moment, wearing a peasant blouse and denim skirt.)
Rachel: (doing a little turn in front of them) How’s this?
Tiffany: Wow.
Stacy: Fabulous!
Quinn: That’s PERFECT!
Tiffany: You look so cute…
Stacy: She’s SO adorable!
Sandi: Well, if Quinn’s going to have her own little apprentice and,
whatever, then maybe QUINN should be President of the Fashion Club!
Quinn: Oh, don’t be silly, Sandi. I could NEVER replace YOU! (beat)
Besides, I’m sure that YOU could get an apprentice anytime you wanted!
(Sandi scowls as the rest of the Fashion Club gathers around Rachel,
showering her with compliments and tips.)
(SCENE: The Food Court. Daria & Jane, sitting at the counter, get
their chilidogs and drinks when Jane looks off to the side and
grimaces.)
Daria: What?
Jane: Think your sister’s a loopy fashion fiend? (gestures) Here comes
the Queen.
(Daria looks up as a living cover-shot from every teen magazine in
existence bounces up to the counter, her perfect face, figure and
lion’s mane of red hair causing everything male in the area to stop and
stare... and her perfect wardrobe making most females snipe with envy.)
Girl: Oh, HI, Jane! Long time no see! (She glances over at Daria.)
Who’s your friend, and why is she mad at the world?
Daria: Excuse me-?
Girl: Well, why else would you go out in sunlight dressed like that?
Daria: Hey-
Jane: (cutting in) Nat, this is my friend Daria Morgendorffer. Daria,
this is Natalia Hedgeworth – this year’s ‘Miss Teen Lawndale’. Her
dad’s Councilman Hedgeworth.
Nat: Don’t forget that he owns all of the movie theatres in town.
(extends her hand) They call me Nat.
Daria: (looking at the hand) Which explains why you hang out at malls.
Nat: (looking Daria over) Morgendorffer… The redhead from Lawndale
High! Are you related to her?
Daria: Yes-
Nat: (in a stunned tone) Really…? HOW?
Jane: (noticing where Daria’s hand is placed) Daria, put the spork
down. Put it down-! (Nat turns away and looks over the menu as Jane
wrestles the spork out of Daria’s hand.)
Daria: What part of Teen Hell did you intern in to be on speaking terms
with THAT John Hughes creation?
Jane: Known her since first grade – and in eighth, someone gave her the
idea that she could sing. Her dad gave Trent and the guys some cash and
lifetime movie passes to show her the ropes – and after she started, I
wanted to take one and tie her vocal cords shut.
Daria: Bad singer?
Jane: The guys kicked her out of the house on the spot.
Daria: THAT bad, hmn?
Jane: Cats only started coming back around last summer.
Nat: (turning around) Jane – I know that you’re all busy and everything
with your little art thing – and with your school project or whatever
(she gives Daria a VERY direct look) – but it’s been AGES since we did
anything together, and I’ve got my dad’s Diablo, so if you want to
catch your friend a little later, how about us cruising around, and
then going to play a movie at the theater and raid the concession like
we used to?
Jane: Nat, I’m-
Nat: Remember that time Daddy brought that tramp to the movie and made
out with her while we were watching the whole time from up in the
balcony?
(Daria’s expression moves from annoyed, to uncomfortable, then slightly
jealous with the way Jane moves closer to Nat and laughs at her story.)
Jane: Yeah, and you just HAD to pour that whole cup of soda down on her!
Nat: Not ON her-
Jane: (finishing the sentence) –But right down her cleavage! Took a
half-gallon ‘Noah’s Ark’ and walked the stream from just below her chin
and right down to her navel!
Nat: (laughing) Well, Daddy said that he always liked his girls bubbly
and sweet…
Jane: You know what you are, don’t you?
Nat: Yep – one twisted cruller with cinnamon on top! (She shakes her
hair out as she speaks.) He was mad for weeks - and if he could have
proved that we did it, he’d have had us hanging off the marquee!
Jane: No problem – with YOUR singing voice, a few notes of ‘Happy
Birthday’ would’ve snapped the ropes and crumbled the metal beams!
Nat: (feigning anger) Why, ‘Jane the Pain’ – are you trying to say that
I don’t have a lovely singing voice?
Jane: (barking out a laugh) No, ‘Nat the Rat’ – I’m saying it straight
out! If your looks resembled your singing, you could scare hungry pit
bulls off a meat truck! How the HELL did you ever end up a beauty queen
with THAT voice?
Nat: Easy. I play the flute, and they give me anything I want. (She
laughs.) Not THOSE flutes, you tramp!
Jane: (innocently) How am I supposed to know what you’ve learned when
you’re off at school?
Nat: The same things you’re learning – but with better knick-knacks on
the shelves to knock over when we’re making out in our dorm rooms.
Jane: Since when did you ever wait until anyone got you back to his or
her room? (She stops laughing abruptly when she sees the miffed look on
Daria’s face.) Uh, Nat, Daria’s my friend, and –
Nat: (turning and looking Daria over closely) Yeah – why ARE you
hanging out with the downer queen? Doesn’t she ever get any…?
Jane: Nat…
Nat: (a big smirk going across her face) So… do you ever get any…?
Jane: (actually blushing) Nat! Not everyone’s going off to fancy prep
schools and giving it up to trust fund brats from the boys’ dorms at
the weekly cotillions!
Nat: Fielding’s not like that, Jane. We only give it up to the trust
fund college boys at the frat mixers they sneak us into… and I remember
a few parties where a certain artsy-fartsy type snuck in while her
brother’s band played…
Jane: (playfully pushing her) Slut.
Nat: (pushing back) Whore.
Jane: Bitch.
Counter Dude: (annoyed) Hey – ‘9021-dodos’! You gonna order or start
talking about ‘when the cute boys are gonna come by’? (Nat just smiles
at the counter dude, taking the steam out of his mad-on, and Jane turns
back to Daria as Nat goes back over the menu.)
Daria: ‘With cinnamon on top’?
Jane: (shrugging) We hung out a lot until her P’s got the big ‘D’, and
they shipped her off to ‘Republican Hogwarts’.
Daria: HUH?
Jane: That type of money is just like magic. (pause, a sad tone) Her
dad made her disappear.
Daria: (her tone almost accusing) You sounded like you didn’t like her
- at first.
Jane: (a sheepish grin crosses her face) Nat is… an acquired taste.
Nat: (OS) I’d like two turkey franks with light mustard and one
spoonful of pickle relish, to go, please.
Daria: (ears perking up) Did she say ‘turkey franks’?
Jane: Yeah, and – (sees the look on Daria’s face) Daria, no. She’s as
gullible – no, she’s WORSE than Kevin! If you pull a stunt on her,
there’s no telling WHEN or WHERE she’ll stop running!
Daria: ‘Sorry, Goose, but it’s time to buzz the tower’. (turning to
Nat) Excuse me, but have you ever seen Sick, Sad World’?
Nat: Yeah – it’s my favorite show!
Daria: (wincing in pain) Then you must have missed one – otherwise, you
wouldn’t be eating those… Ever hear of ‘Brainworms’? Their larvae nest
in turkey franks, and when people eat them, they burrow into the spaces
next to the lungs so they can get air. Then, about three or four days
later… ugh… arrrgh… KER-SPLAT-SPLASH! Just like ‘Alien’… if you’re
lucky. Otherwise, it’s ‘Pod People Time’.
Nat: No, that can’t possibly be true. (pause) Really-?
Daria: But there is a test.
Nat: No, there isn’t – you’re full of it! (longer pause) There really
is a test-?
Daria: Oh, you won’t need it. (pause) I’m glad that you’re in such good
shape, too… they say it doesn’t hurt as much if you’ve got good muscle
tone. The Brainworms can just chew through muscle and flesh with no
problem, but fat’s harder on them. For them, it’s like trying to drive
through mud.
(At this point, Nat’s face has gone white, Jane shakes her head in
disbelief, and the counter dude looks at Daria as if he were wishing
for a wooden stake.)
Daria: (continuing) It’s much more painful for fat people, and the
taste of human fat makes the Brainworms more aggressive, and hungrier.
They don’t even bother trying to take over the brain then – they just
eat and eat until there’s nothing left to eat. (pause) Your dad – he’s
got a few extra pounds… doesn’t he?
Nat: (her eyes going wide) Daddy-?
Jane: (cutting in) Uh, Daria, just let this one go, okay?
Daria: (ignoring Jane) You probably eat those because he does, right?
Nat: But Daddy’s never had a problem with…
Daria: The test. (to the counter dude) Take those and nuke them for 90
seconds.
Counter Dude: But they’ll-
Daria: (slipping him a ten-spot) Cool it…
Counter Dude: (palming the cash) Chilled. (He takes the dogs and slips
them into the microwave. After a few moments, the turkey franks quiver
and begin to expand; as Nat watches with impossibly-widening eyes, the
franks start to split, and little pieces start to come out as if they
have lives of their own…)
Daria: Sayonara, you little brainworm bastards.
Nat: (at the top of her lungs) DADDY!!! DADDY, NO!!! (She takes off at
near-light speed, disappearing from sight as Daria turns back to her
lunch.)
Jane: (shouting) Nat! NAT! Nat, wait, it’s not… oh, hell. (pause; she
gives Daria a grim look.) You know, someday you’re going to catch a
bolt of lightning for stuff like that.
Daria: The hard part’ll be convincing Quinn that I didn’t try to get a
perm behind her back.
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen sips coffee and reads through
papers when the phone rings. She picks up her cell-phone – and is
surprised that it’s the house phone that’s ringing. )
Helen: (picking up) Hellooo…? (pause) Councilman Hedgeworth, this IS an
honor! How can I help you… what about your daughter? Hysterical –
concerned about your weight? Well, every little girl is concerned with
her daddy’s health – exploding turkey franks? (Helen’s eyes narrow as
her face darkens.) You’re about to tell me that my daughter is involved
in this, aren’t you? (pause) Let me see… fender-bender… and the hedges…
Hysterical catatonia – ran over a squirrel – her pet squirrel? Wouldn’t
respond to ANYTHING for an hour? She saw you finish a turkey frank…
ruined her outfit and then went catatonic? Councilman, let me assure
you that Daria WILL be punished and will make restitution – Miss Lane,
too. I’ll – no? You have an idea? (Helen listens for several moments, a
demonic smile growing across her face.) Yes, Councilman – I think that
will work QUITE nicely. I’ll see you Monday afternoon, then. (She hangs
the phone up as Jake saunters in, a golf-bag on his shoulder.)
Jake: Honey, I’m going to – (He notices the look on Helen’s face.) What
is it?
Helen: Sit down, Jake. Daria’s been amusing herself again.
Jake: Really? But she always seems so uptight… (He realizes he spoke
aloud, and goes white as a sheet as Helen looks at him strangely.) Uh,
honey? Don’t you think that this is, well… a female matter that you and
she should discuss in private…?
Helen: (exasperated): Oh, Jake! I said ‘amusing’…
(SCENE: The LHS Cafeteria. Daria, Jane and Jodie are talking when Mack
comes up and plops down next to them.)
Mack: Hey, Jodie. (beat) Hey, look - our own local supervillians!
Jane: (almost choking on her burrito) Excuse me?
Mack: Don’t you folks ever watch the news? Some jerk over at Channel 18
News heard about Nat Hedgeworth and made it the top story this weekend.
Jodie: Oh, no. (beat) Channel 18 News – where ‘every second counts’.
Daria: (resigned) Yeah – like the seconds on the clock before they hit
the switch.
Jane: Hey, it’ll get worse. Councilman Hedgeworth has a gift for
payback when it comes to his pride and joy.
Jodie: (morosely) Yeah. I heard that, too. (beat) So, Daria, where did
you come up with this ‘Brainworms’ idea?
Daria: Something I made up when I was little, back when my family lived
in Highland.
Jane: And it didn’t go over big there, either.
Daria: We eventually found Quinn.
Jane: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Mack: I gotta hand it to you, though, Daria. I’ve played some decent
pranks, but I never made somebody go catatonic.
Jane: It does show that you’ve got skills.
Mack: Maybe you could get a job as an interrogator somewhere.
Jodie: Nah. Better keep your amateur standing in case the International
Olympic Committee comes to its senses and puts this in the Winter Games.
Daria: The IOC changed the rules. I can now make a decent living for
myself and still torment foreign nationals every four years.
Ms. Li: (OS; over the loudspeaker) Would the following students - Jodie
Landon, Jane Lane, Daria Morgendorffer, Charles Ruttheimer - report to
the Main Conference Room AT ONCE!
Daria: This isn’t going to go well, is it?
Jodie: (downbeat) By the pricking of my thumbs, something stupid this
way comes. (to Daria) What, you think you’ve cornered the market on
cynicism here at Lawndale High?
(SCENE: The LHS Main Conference Room. Daria, Jane, Jodie and Upchuck
sit on one side of the room, while Ms. Li, Helen and a bushy-faced,
plump man in a VERY expensive suit and shoes sit on the other side.)
Ms. Li: Normally, I would be calling this meeting to order the Student
Court to convene and mete out punishment for such a flagrant example of
bringing dishonor to, and tarnishing the glorious reputation of –
LAWNDALE HIGH. (beat) However, after discussing the situation with Mrs.
Morgendorffer and Councilman Hedgeworth, an appropriate alternative has
been brought to light – one which will demonstrate the administration’s
ability to be lenient, allow the chance for rehabilitation for those
among you who have committed transgressions, and give everyone involved
the opportunity to bring honor to our school. (pause) Councilman
Hedgeworth – the floor is yours. (Councilman Leopold Hedgeworth stands
up, straightens his clothing, draws himself up and clears his throat as
if he’s about to give a speech.)
Daria: Maybe we should get Leni Riefensthal to film this…
Helen: (warning tone) Daria…
Leopold: Students – I am Councilman Leopold Hedgeworth. I’m sorry that
we must meet under such unfortunate circumstances, but I think I’ve
found a way for everyone to come away from this with the knowledge that
we’ve all benefited in some small way from what could have been a
mutually unpleasant experience for all involved.
Daria: And beneath the sweet, soulful sounds of Barry White, you can
just hear the sound of a zipper coming undone…
Ms. Li: MISS MORGENDORFFER!
Leopold: Please – she’s only being herself. (to Daria) You seem like a
straightforward young woman – therefore, I’ll favor you with the
courtesy of also being direct. You’ve got a reputation as a world-class
little smart-ass with an incredible talent for fanning the flames and
instigating chaos & havoc – oh, yes, we’ve all heard the
coffeehouse riot story, and I’m sure that that’s only the tip of your
potential iceberg.
Jodie: (softly; to Daria) Damn. They DO think you’re a supervillian.
Leopold: Because of you, my daughter damaged her sports car, ruined the
hedges on our manor grounds & the designer outfit she wore, ended
up in the hospital for the weekend for observation, will require months
of therapy AND lost her little pet squirrel – the squirrel she’s had
for years. Can you and your smart little mouth bring back ‘Mr.
Squirrel?’ CAN IT? (Both Jane and Jodie wince, Upchuck looks at Daria
with disbelief, and Daria wisely stares down at the tabletop.) Now,
while your mother is one hell of a lawyer – I’ve seen the idiots who’ve
had the bad luck to cross her path – the amount of legal firepower that
I can bring forth and the finances involved would simply overwhelm her…
besides which, I don’t believe your mother’s inclined to take the case.
You didn’t have to let this happen, and these events have happened
because of you and you alone. (He sips from a glass of juice.) Now, I’m
willing to take one of two avenues towards resolving this. One – we let
Miss Landon and Mr. Ruttheimer go along their merry way, your friend
Miss Lane is in hock to me until she graduates – she didn’t try very
hard to stop you, but she did try – and you’re in hock to me until
you’re forty. Do you have any idea how much the hood ornament plate on
a Diablo is worth? One more smug comment from you and we’ll do it that
way. Got it? (Daria looks at him sullenly, but says nothing.) I thought
so.
Ms. Li: (leaning towards Helen) It’s always so uplifting and…
inspirational to watch a professional at work.
Leopold: Now – Option Two. As you’re probably all aware, I own the
majority of movie theatres in Lawndale and Carter counties. I’m about
to open a new drive-in theatre/restaurant here in Lawndale – and I
believe that all of you can help make the drive-in a success.
Jodie: You want US to promote your drive-in?
Upchuck: It WOULD be the perfect place for a date. Rowwwwwwwlll… (Even
the older ladies shudder.)
Leopold: Down, boy – but that is just the response that I want for the
‘Starlite Passion Drive-In!’
Jane: Now that sounds like something straight out of the 1950’s.
Leopold: EXACTLY – and that’s the look I’m going for. Chrome, neon,
poodle-skirts – welcome to 1959, everybody! (to Jodie) Oh, don’t look
so down, Miss Landon! By then, they’d started integrating the schools!
(Daria’s and Upchuck’s hands clamp down on Jodie to keep her from
leaping at Leopold’s throat – and a moment later, Jodie’s hand snaps
out and tags Upchuck right on the nose!)
Jodie: Oh, Charles, I’m so sorry! (sheepishly, to Ms. Li) Reflex.
Upchuck: No offense taken, my sleek and dusky beauty. The Chuckster’s
touch can often cause women to lose all control.
Ms. Li: Mr. Ruttheimer…
Leopold: (ignoring the outbursts) Now, after speaking with Ms. Li and
Mrs. Morgendorffer, I’ve come up with a wonderful idea that will help
Lawndale High’s students to raise money for LHS and show their school
spirit!
Jane: What – ‘Lion Night at The Movies’, where LHS students work the
drive-in and restaurant for 10% of the night’s profits off the top?
Ms. Li: 15%, actually.
Jodie: Not bad, Lane.
Leopold: I’m looking at Thursday nights. (beat) This will be a test –
and if everything goes well, several other schools have already
expressed interest in this potential fund-raising opportunity. (Daria
obviously wants to say something, but keeps her mouth shut.)
Jane: (looking over) I got this one, amiga. (beat) When it comes to
moneymaking schemes, you guys move faster than rigor mortis.
Jodie: Isn’t there a more honorable way to make money than basically
renting out the students?
Ms. Li: Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #106, Ms. Landon. ‘There IS no
honor in poverty.’ (Daria’s fingernails scrape across the table as she
bites her lip.)
Leopold: (to Jodie) As the head of the student government, you’ll be
able to recruit volunteers for ‘Lion Nights’. (to Upchuck) I understand
that several students, yourself included, run the A/V and studio
equipment here at LHS, including the projectors for student films in
the auditorium. How’d you like to operate the projection equipment at
my drive-in?
Upchuck: Do I get to dress-up like my favorite ‘50’s star?
Leopold: Now that’s a GREAT idea! ALL students can dress up as their
favorite 1950’s star!
(Daria closes her eyes and clamps her mouth, really wanting to let an
insult fly as Leopold turns to her, a smug grin in his face.)
Leopold: It hurts, doesn’t it? (Daria stares a holocaust at him.) Ms.
Lane, you’ve developed a reputation in the area as an artist of
exceptional talent that’s just beginning to truly develop. (It’s hard
to tell who is more proud – Jane, or Ms. Li.) I’d like you to paint the
place – murals, portraits, ‘Mad’ magazine art – ever seen the movie
‘Grease’? The opening with all of the ‘50’s memorabilia? You can do the
individual rooms any way you want – make the projection room into a
scene from ‘The Day The Earth Stood Still!’ Put Elvis over every
jukebox – but make sure it’s ‘Skinny Elvis’! Turn one of the walls in
the restaurant into a mural of James Dean’s last ride! Cut loose, as
long as you don’t go into 1960!
Jane: (slightly taken aback) Did you say I COULD do ‘James Dean’s last
ride’?
Leopold: Hell, do Jayne Mansfield – I’ll have a special section where
the wannabe Kerouack-types can sit around and act above it all while
they look at the decapitated head and drink sixteen-dollar cups of
double espresso! (He hands her a business card.) The folks at the art
store on Dega are expecting you – and do the words ‘blank check’ ring a
bell?
(Daria sits and watches sullenly as the other students – even Jodie –
eagerly talk between themselves, Ms. Li and Leopold, and Helen,
observing, lets her stew for a moment before clearing her throat to get
the attention of the others.)
Helen: Ms. Li – before we collectively begin salivating over the
benefits and personal prestige this will bring, I think that we should
remember exactly why we were all brought together – and the fact that
punishment is still the order of the day. (Leopold turns and fastens
his gaze on Daria, and the other kids get out of the line of fire -
QUICKLY.)
Daria: (reflexively) EEP!
Leopold: I have not forgotten.
Daria: EEP!
Leopold: Ms. Li – would you please explain Miss Morgendorffer’s role in
all of this?
Ms. Li: With pleasure. (pause) Miss Morgendorffer, after discussing the
matter with the concerned parties, we have decided that, despite what
we feel will be a spirited response by four fellow students to this
call for volunteers, there will be a, shall we say, core element of the
student body – those who will be compelled to serve in reparation for
their misdeeds here at – LAWNDALE HIGH. (beat) After going over all of
your skills and your attitude, we are all in agreement about the
PERFECT way for you to begin atoning for your actions. (She nods to
Leopold, who holds up a teeny-tiny gold-lame’ waitress’ uniform,
complete with little gold-spangled box-hat and gold-spangled
roller-skates.) Your fellow malcontents shall have EQUALLY appropriate
positions. (Daria looks at the uniform – and surprisingly, the uniform
doesn’t burst into flames.)
- END ACT I –
-ACT II –
(SCENE: A sidewalk. Daria and Jane are ambling along.)
Jane: You don’t seem entirely pleased this morning, Daria.
Daria: I have to be out among the lowing cattle. I have to serve them
stale popcorn, and wear a little box-hat while I’m doing it. Best of
all, in doing it, I have to show that I’m sorry about some little
fleabag with a jones for unprocessed ‘Jif’ that bipped when he should
have bopped and got a Firestone facial for his trouble. (pause) Look, I
know I went over the line and lashes are deserved, but Mom’s just
having a field day over this – (They stop and stare in slight shock as
they reach the intersection and come across a large memorial shrine to
‘Mr. Squirrel’.)
Daria: You have GOT to be kidding.
(A small crowd of teens stands around the memorial, which features a
large, glossy blow-up of a very cute squirrel. The photo sits in the
middle of a cornucopia of candles upon candles, sympathy cards, long,
streaming yellow ribbons, drawings of squirrels, various little gifts,
and single acorns with little yellow ribbons tied into bows around the
stems.)
Jane: Oh, wow. (As they move closer, they hear some of the teens
talking)
Teen #1: I heard that Nat actually ran him over herself.
Teen #2: Poor Nat.
Teen #1: She trained him to come out to the car to meet her when she
came home, but she wasn’t watching out, and –
Teen #2: Yeah. (beat) I heard that she lost control of the car, tore up
a lot of the hedges – and all they could find of the squirrel was his
tail.
Teen #3: What was her hurry?
Teen #1: Some sick, twisted chick at the mall told her something about
stuff being in her dad’s food, and she went shooting off to her house.
Teen #3: Man. (beat) Poor squirrel. Going out to see the person you
most love, and the last thing you see is her car rolling over you, and
the last thing in your little head is ‘Why? I don’t understand, I
thought you loved me…’
Teen #2: We need to come up with some special punishments for people
like that girl. (A murmur of agreement goes through the crowd, and
Daria turns to Jane.)
Daria: People have far too much time on their hands.
Jane: Well, he was a cute little critter, wasn’t he?
Daria: Eh. If you’ve seen one bushy-tailed rat, you’ve seen them all.
(Several teens turn and give Daria dirty looks.)
Jane: Uh, amiga, ixnay on the cute rodent issin-nay. (As she speaks,
one of the teens stares closely at Daria, and her face lights up with
recognition.)
Teen #1: (Shouting) It’s HER! That’s HER!
Teen #2: That’s the girl that caused the squirrel to get run over!
Teen #3: SQUIRREL-KILLER! (Teens start to throw acorns and other nuts
at Daria, and a few bounce off Jane.)
Teen #1: GET THE SQUIRREL-KILLER!
Daria: Jane, run- (As several acorns bounce off her, Daria turns to see
Jane already a solid half-block away – and she takes off running, the
crowd in hot pursuit!)
(SCENE: Lawndale High. A winded Jane sits on the steps of the school,
coaxing herself to breathe easier and holding a bottle of ice water to
her neck when a dog-tired Daria drags herself up onto the steps.)
Daria: (panting) I’ll pretend… your ‘fight or flight’ reflex… is in
permanent ‘flight’ mode. (She drops to the deck.)
Jane: Hey, I didn’t see you doing your ‘Xena’ impression on any of
those kids.
Daria: How could you? As fast as you were going… your vision had to…
have blurred out… (She takes the bottle that Jane offers, and drains
nearly half the bottle.)
Jane: Hey, take it easy on that – you’ll throw it back up if you guzzle
it like that now! (She takes the bottle back, and pats Daria on
the back as she starts to cough.)
Daria: Now… you’ve got my back…
Jane: Oh, I knew you’d outrun the unwashed villagers back there – good
practice for when you grow up, become a full-fledged witch and start
stealing babies for your evil purposes. (Daria gives her a look that
could crack an engine block.) What?
Daria: It’s a good thing that you’re my friend. Otherwise, I’d have to
break out the cauldron and brew you up something that’d speed you into
a wall. A mausoleum wall, preferably.
Jane: Oh, now you’re just being catty. (beat) Come on – let’s get
inside and learn our fact for the day.
(SCENE: The cafeteria. Daria and Jane nibble at their lunches as Jane
goes over drawings in a sketchbook. )
Daria: (glancing over at the book) So, that’s what you’re working on
for the drive-in?
Jane: Yeah. (beat) If I had known I’d get this kind of opportunity, I’d
have driven Nat batty years ago.
Daria: (coming across a drawing) Are you really going to paint THAT?
Jane: I already painted that. (Daria draws back, shocked.) The
Councilman wanted a little something special, so he gave me a photo to
work from and I knocked that out over the last week.
Daria: (whistling) Someone’s been spending time in the gym… and at the
plastic surgeon’s office… and in the bleach aisle at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Jane: Apparently, they’re real. It’s ALL real. (beat; shakes her head.)
Super-blondes. Men see that hair color and they act like they’ve lost
their damn minds. I went out to his office last Friday and she came in
to model… and if I weren’t incredibly secure in my own sexuality and
ability to attract men, I’d have killed her on the spot.
Daria: More Fashion Club material?
Jane: More like a woman who’s just too damn pretty to be allowed to
live. (pause) He actually paid me for that – gave me seven hundred
bucks and said that, as far as he’s concerned, we’re straight and on a
clean slate. (She looks at a truly stricken Daria.) Whoops… I guess I
was a little caught-up in the painting and stuff to mention it.
Daria: Yeah. (pause) I’ll take a tree branch to you later. (As they eat
and look the drawings over, they get differing looks from the students
– Jane gets smiles and ‘Thumbs-up’ from passing students, while Daria
gets only hostile stares.)
Daria: Geez. All these folks are missing are the pitchforks, torches
and hounds.
Jane: They must be students Li’s pulled in for her little
popcorn-chain-gang. (beat) Damn. I didn’t know Li had so many students
under the gun.
Daria: Are you kidding? Didn’t you see the Amnesty International
observers here last month?
Andrea: (OS; annoyed) Thanks, Daria. (She comes around into Daria’s
view.) It’s stuff like that that has Commandant Li all riled up – and
this time, you pulled all of us in with you.
Daria: What?
Jodie: (walking up) It’s worse than you think. (She sits down next to
Jane.) Over the past two weeks, Ms. Li and Councilman Hedgeworth have
been getting in touch with a lot of businesses that use a lot of
teenage workers, and their ‘work-for-restitution’ idea’s really taking
off! Instead of paying them in full, the students have to give up half
of their paychecks until their bills and ‘fees’ are paid off.
Jane: ‘Consulting fee’?
Andrea: Yeah. Ms. Li and the Hedgehog have to get their cut. (beat) I’m
screwed. I’ve been saving up to hit ‘Burning Man’ this year, but now,
there’s no way I’ll make enough.
Jane: How’d you get roped into this, anyway?
Andrea: Remember the fire alarm last week? Li’s got military-grade
scent-detectors all over the school now, and that’s why all the
sprinklers went off in the girls’ bathroom next to the library. I went
in to sneak a smoke. Now, I have to pay for the water damage and the
fire department’s time for coming out on a ‘false alarm’. (pause)
Thanks again, Daria.
Jodie: She’s not the only one Li’s caught for, ahem, ‘smoking on school
grounds’.
Daria: Who else? (As she speaks, Kevin and Brittany walk past the
cafeteria, twin downcast expressions on their faces.) Oh, no. You don’t
mean-
Andrea: They got caught making out in that janitor’s shed on the roof.
(to Daria) Hope you, Brit and ‘Kevvie’ all have fun working together.
Daria: You don’t mean-
Andrea: I saw Li give Brit her uniform and skates, and Kevin got his
usher’s uniform. (She gives Daria a TRULY evil smile as she turns to
leave.) See you around, Daria. Have fun at the movies.
Jodie: Daria, I know your mom helped start this, but if you told her
everything that they’re doing, couldn’t she do something?
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer kitchen.)
Helen: I’m sorry, Daria, but you got yourself into this mess, and a lot
of people are going to be affected by what you’ve done. I’ve warned you
about this before. (beat) In fact, I seem to remember a conversation
recently about civic responsibility and positive contributions to your
community…
Daria: But as a 50’s-style waitress-?
Helen: Just think of it as an opportunity to do something else with
your time besides eating pizza and being above everyone else BEFORE
you’ve gotten your high school diploma. (beat) This is what happens
when you list yourself in the phone book as ‘passive-aggressive agent
provocateur’. (The cell phone rings, and she turns to answer it.)
Hello-?
Jane: I’m not sure, but I think that your mom just insulted you.
Daria: I’m sure. (pause) Come on. I have to go get a uniform that fits,
and I may as well see your masterpieces before the ungrateful public.
(SCENE: The Griffin home. Sandi, clipboard in hand and Tiffany standing
behind her, sits in the living room and looks at Courtney Lane, who
lies sprawled across a recliner. Various snack foods are on display,
and Courtney idly twirls a sandal strap around the big toe on her right
foot.)
Sandi: Now, Ms. Lane, the duties of a Fashion Club apprentice are very
important, and – (She stops, a stony look on her face as Courtney picks
up a pen, pokes a hole near the bottom of a can of ‘Ultra-Cola’, then
puts the can to her mouth, pops the tab and ‘shotguns’ the soda.) Ms,
Lane, that will simply NOT be allowed, and- (A loud, sharp belch
reverberates through the room!)
Tiffany: Oh. Gross.
Courtney: I’m done with the salsa – got any more? (beat) And what’s up
with the cheeseless pizza – don’t you two have any ‘nads?
Sandi: Ms. Lane…
Courtney: Look, I’m grateful for giving me an out of Grandma’s jail,
but, hey, I like guys. Shouldn’t you two be off somewhere giving each
other slow massages with the showerhead?
Tiffany: I… don’t… get…it.
Courtney: Yeah – that’s what I’ve heard. (beat) Why is it that you
Fashion Club girls spend all of this time getting all pretty and
looking so hot, but none of you really date much? Hey, if you’re into
each other, that’s cool, but I don’t flip for clam dip. (She stretches
back in the chair.) Sorry, but like that gray-remover, this is ‘Just
For Men’.
Sandi: I – (She winces as Courtney stacks three slices of pizza
together, folds them over and digs in.)
Courtney: Say – you got any brothers? (pause; waggles her eyebrows) You
know any ‘brothers’?
Sandi: Yes, but they’re- (She is cut off as her brothers stampede
through the front door and past the living room… then slowly back up to
get a second glimpse of Courtney.)
Courtney: (looking the boys over) Well, well. (beat) Welcome to the
jungle. We’ve got fun AND games…
(SCENE: The ‘Starlite Passion Drive-In’. The drive-in is built on the
abandoned quarry near the edge of town, with a huge, IMAX-class screen
built near the actual edge of the quarry and an equally huge area for
the vehicles to park. The entrance and exit are on opposite sides of
the main building – a large, two-story building where the restaurant,
concession area, restrooms, etc. are located. The drive-in combines the
best of 50’s-style nostalgia – chrome and neon in seemingly endless
colors can be seen wherever one turns – alongside modern touches like
video games and a couple of ‘sit-down’ phone booths with video and
Internet hook-ups.)
(SCENE: The drive-in. Daria looks over two murals on opposite walls of
the foyer. One is the final scene in ‘Shane’; the other is the
exploding bridge from ‘Bridge over the River Kwai’. )
Mack: (OS) Not bad, hmn? (Daria turns to face him.)
Daria: It’s not bad at all.
Mack: I guess something good did come out of all this. Jane should get
some pretty good exposure after the drive-in opens. (beat) Man, this
really is nice.
Daria: You should see the ‘Imitation Of Life’ homage she did in the
ladies bathroom.
Mack: What’s in the men’s room?
Daria: ‘The Quiet Man’. Jane has a very subtle sense of humor. (beat) I
just realized – YOU’RE working this hellhole?
Mack: Oh, no. Jodie and I are smart enough not to make out on school
grounds. (They share a smirk.) I just came by to bring a few things
over for Jodie. The carrying of the Pigskin protects me from the
Councilman’s evil spell.
Daria: And NOT the QB?
Mack: Despite what Kevin thinks- (Mack stops and shakes his head) – the
Captain of the football team ranks higher than the QB – especially one
who believes ALF is real & smarter than Einstein- (He is cut off by
the sight of Brittany in her ‘waitress on wheels’ outfit. She seems to
have spray-painted the outfit on, and Mack swallows hard as she skates
past them and does some fancy footwork in the foyer. As Mack and Daria
watch, Brittany does a little pirouette in front of them, her outfit
& skates showing off her excellent legs.)
Brittany: Ta-da! (beat) You like, Mack?
Mack: Whoa.
Daria: I am officially lost in the Twilight Zone.
Mack: (back to his senses) Oh, come on, Daria. (He looks over to see
Upchuck walk in. He wears a stylish, classic tuxedo, and his hair is
styled a la Cary Grant.) Tell me that you wouldn’t become a real girl
if Trent Lane were wearing that tux. (He leaves a very red-faced Daria
behind as he goes to Upchuck.) Nice threads, Charles. Are we going to
have to lock up our women?
Upchuck: (without his usual growl or lascivious tone) Michael, when it
comes to your average teen male pup, there’s a need to lock your women
up. However, when a Ruttheimer man comes to town, you’d best be locking
the lovely ladies down.
Mack: Well, all right. (They high-five, and Brittany lets a sigh out at
the sight of Upchuck.)
Daria: Definitely in the Twilight Zone.
(SCENE: The ‘Starlite Passion’s main office. Located on the second
floor, it is a large, lush affair more suited for a corporate plaza
than a drive-in built out on a quarry. Leopold is talking on the phone.)
Leopold: …And I want to feel like I need to shower for a week after
just touching the thing – THAT’S how raunchy it needs to be! I want
hardened Marines and Hollywood agents to pass out fifteen seconds after
it begins to roll – (He sees Daria appear in the doorway.) Just send it
- I need it by next Thursday! (He hangs up & turns to Daria.) Now –
how can I help you this fine afternoon?
Daria: I need a bigger uniform.
Leopold: But how are you going to let the shark get you? (beat) Sorry,
bad ‘Jaws’ joke.
Daria: (VO/thought) The bad joke is this drive-in.
Leopold: Not to mention your having to work here. (Daria blinks hard,
stunned.) One of the benefits of being a career politician – you learn
how to read people so clearly that you may as well be reading their
minds. (pause) Do you really want to know why you want a bigger
uniform? It’s along the same lines as the reason I’m making you work
here instead of just going after your folks for money… or doing things
to help your little friend with her talents and her career…
Daria: I just want a bigger uniform.
Leopold: No, you want to go sloppy, plain, off the beaten track – in
short, you don’t want to be noticed for your looks. You don’t want the
thundering herd to see you if they can’t appreciate you on your terms –
for your ‘brains’. (Leopold settles back in his chair, the look on his
face capable of freezing stars.) And that is exactly why you WILL wear
THAT uniform. You will wear the little hat, and the teeny skirt that
shows off your thighs, and the tuxedo shirt and bolero jacket that
shows off your flat little tummy and curvy bosom. And do you know why?
Because I’m going to expose your secret, Miss Morgendorffer. I’m going
to let the world know that you are a beautiful woman. (Leopold folds
his fingers together.) For the rest of your high-school career, you’re
going to be hounded and pursued by hormonal, brain-dead boys who have
no idea whatsoever what ‘No, not with you’ means. You’re going to have
other beautiful girls wanting to associate with you because of your
looks alone, and other kids shunning you because they think that all
pretty girls are dumb, shallow, snotty towards average folks, and
getting by because of their faces. You’re going to walk up to the
dragon called high school, and it’s going to swallow you whole. Either
you’re going to be more tortured and driven into the hermit lifestyle
you’re headed towards now, or you’ll become exactly what you despise –
a shallow, vain teenage girl who thinks mainly about how to maintain
her popularity. (His eyes are nearly aglow with anger.) This is what
you get for bothering my little girl, Miss Morgendorffer. This is why
you don’t screw around with me and mine. (The phone rings, and as
Leopold picks it up, Daria lets out the breath she didn’t realize she
was holding.) Yes, she’s here. You’re ready? Good. I’ll send her right
over. (He hangs up the phone.) Go home, Miss Morgendorffer. I’ve got a…
surprise waiting for you there. (Daria turns to leave, but turns back,
a questioning look on her face.)
Leopold: Yes, Daria – I’m Sicilian on my mother’s side. Her maiden name
was Montfiore.
(Daria opens her mouth to speak, but thinks better of it.)
Leopold: That’s because life IS a bitch, Daria. MY bitch.
(He smiles, and Daria practically runs out of the office, all but
steamrolling Jane and Jodie as they turn the corner.)
Jane: Hey, easy now! Friends, remember? Friends! Here, sniff!
(SCENE: Jodie’s car.)
Jodie: He actually said that? Damn, Daria… I wish I could say that it
surprises me.
Jane: I told you that he had a gift for payback – and this DEFINITELY
looks like a Hedgehog Special.
Daria: How was I to know that she’d buy into the Brainworms story like
that?
Jodie: Because she’s a pretty girl that watches the dreckiest show on
TV like it was a church service and she’s an altar boy? (beat) Come on,
Daria – girls like Nat don’t usually watch ‘Sick, Sad World’ unless
they’re dopey enough to believe the stuff, because they’d rather be out
doing other, more interesting things!
Daria: (offended) Oh – you mean like Student Council, tennis, or dating
football players they really don’t have feelings for?
Jodie: (equally offended) Squirrel-killer.
(The temperature in the car drops below zero. Jane looks at both girls
sadly as Daria stares out the window and Jodie puts the steering wheel
in a death-grip.)
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer house. Daria & Jane get out, and Jodie
speeds off without a backward glance.)
Jane: Well, that could have gone better. (Daria tries to glare, but can
only frown.) Yeah, I know – you’re tired of EVERYONE dropping down on
you because of Nat and her pet.
Daria: I’m sorry, already.
Jane: The masses don’t think that you really care, one way or another.
(pause) But I know that you didn’t mean it. (beat) I think Jodie knows
that, too.
Daria: I should have kept my mouth shut.
Jane: Not in this reality. (This time, Daria manages to pull her glare
off.) What I mean is, good or bad, you’ve got to be you. You’re going
to say exactly what’s on your mind, no matter what. (beat) Everyone’s
got their quirks. Don’t matter, though.
Daria: Thanks, Jane.
Jane: It’s like Dennis Miller said: ‘A true friend is someone who can
see past your surface B.S. to the deeper, more profound B.S.
underneath.’ (beat) You know I’ve seen your B.S., especially when Trent
passes you by and you manage not to jump him like Simba on a gazelle –
or should I say, Nala jumping on Simba?
Daria: I hate you, Lane.
Jane: (horribly off-key) ‘It’s the Circle of Life – la la, la la la LA,
and it moves us all…’
Daria: Yeah – moves us right to the toilet.
Jane: Or to the altar!
Daria: In your case, sacrificial.
Jane: Yeah – and think of what you’ll be sacrificing… (She waggles her
eyebrows at Daria, and the returning gaze makes her grin.)
Daria: See you later.
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer’s living room. Daria enters the house, turns
– and stares in mute horror at the sight of a single beauty-salon chair
in the center of the living room… and the Fashion Club circling around
like vultures.)
Daria: Oh, hell. (At the sound of Daria’s voice, Quinn turns, a styling
comb in hand.)
Quinn: (her voice sweet enough to cause diabetes) Oh, DAR-riaaaa…
(Daria is stopped from flight by Helen, who appears from behind and
steers her back towards the living room.)
Helen: Isn’t it just WONDERFUL, Daria? Councilman Hedgeworth asked your
sister and her friends to give you a complete makeover for tonight! He
offered to pay them, but they chose to do it for FREE!
Sandi: A project of this size and complexity will count as the Fashion
Club’s Philanthropy project for the semester. (She nods, and two girls
come around the corner – one with a video camera, the other taking
photos.) Remember, this needs to be THOROUGHLY documented. Get LOTS of
‘before’ photos. (pause) Tiffany – nails. Stacy – upper face – and
start by making two eyebrows out of that row of shrubbery. Quinn –
lower face. Work on those flappy lips. Rachel – hand me the hair care
case. I’ll start on the hair.
Stacy: I brought the ‘Waif’ Emergency Care beauty points list!
Quinn: Let’s get to work. (Helen dives for cover as the Fashion Club
comes for Daria like killer zombies!)
Daria: GAH-! (They drag her to the chair as Helen looks on and
shudders.)
Sandi: (OS) How can she always wear skirts with furry legs like this-?
Tiffany: (OS) I… brought… the… wax.
(SCENE: The ‘Starlite Passion Drive-in’. Leopold comes down the stairs
when Dennis, the Assistant Manager of the drive-in, comes running up to
him. Dennis is a weasely fortysomething of a man with prematurely gray
hair and a soul-numbing talent for brownnosing.)
Leopold: Yes, Dennis, what’s the problem now?
Dennis: Well, everything’s mostly ready to go and all right. The –
Leopold: DENNIS! (Dennis flinches.) What’s the problem?
Dennis: Well, sir, it’s Morgendorffer.
Leopold: What’s her problem?
Dennis: She’s still in the bathroom.
Leopold: So?
Dennis: For forty minutes?
Leopold: Right. (They turn the corner and enter the foyer, where all of
the workers are lined up.) Anybody here know what the hell
Morgendorffer’s problem is? (After the explosion of laughter that fills
the room dies down somewhat, Leopold wipes tears of laughter from his
own face and tries to speak.) I mean, why she’s stuck in the bathroom?
Brittany: She just won’t come out.
Leopold: We’ll see about THAT. (He goes over to the door, bangs three
times on it and pushes it open.) MORGENDORFFER! Get your flat ass out
here! You’ve got work to do!
Daria: (OS) NO-!
Leopold: You owe me a lot of money!
Daria: (OS) You can bill my flat ass!
Leopold: I’ll go you one better. First, I’ll call your principal –
collect. Then, I’ll call the reporters from Channel 18 and have them
come out tonight instead of waiting for the official ‘grand opening’
tomorrow night. (beat) And for the big finish – I’ll call your mommy.
(pause) NOW are you ready to get to work?
(A long moment passes, and Leopold’s eyes widen slightly. He steps away
from the door, and a collective ‘Ohhhhhh’ fills the air at the sight of
Daria in her uniform, and she blinks as she is suddenly lit up by a
camera flash. The Fashion Club has earned its name and more, as they’ve
accentuated Daria’s natural beauty without turning her into a painted
model. )
Leopold: Welcome to work, fashion plate. Get in line. (Most of the
guys’ mouths drop open as Daria walks past and stands next to Brittany.)
Brittany: (whispering) You’re very pretty, Daria.
Daria: Uh, thanks… I guess. (Brittany shifts her gaze to Kevin, who
just can’t tear his eyes away from Daria – and never sees Brittany
stomp down on his foot with her skates, or the fist that backhands him
and lays him flat out!)
Leopold: (turning back) What happened to him?
Brittany: Uh, gee, I think he slipped and hit his head on the floor.
(twirling a lock of hair) I mean, he IS sort of clumsy, and he’s
wearing those slick new shoes-!
Leopold: Klutz. (beat) Well, get up, Thompson! Pretend you just scored!
Daria: (to herself) I needed that.
(SCENE: The drive-in. Both the restaurant and the drive-in are packed.
Daria is very busy as she skates constantly about the area when a
sudden, ear-splitting whistle gets her attention. She turns to see a
man and two teen boys laid out in the back of a pickup truck.)
Man: Hey, you! Yeah, you – ‘Tiny Bubbles’! (Daria looks at him
angrily.) Get your sweet stems over here muy pronto – me and my boys
want some snacks! (pause) Well, what’s wrong with you – afraid that a
little hard work’ll actually put a line or two in that pretty face of
yours? Shake it!
Brittany: (OS) Hey – shut your sexist traps or I’ll climb up in there
and do a Janet Barch on you jerks! (The man and the boys all go REALLY
quiet, and Brittany gives Daria a big smile as she glides past.)
Daria: Now, can I take your order? (As the cowed cowboys meekly order,
the ‘Tank’ comes rolling in just behind Daria and parks several spaces
away from the pickup.)
Jesse: Hey, we’re here. (beat) Where’s my lawn chair-? (The Boys of
Spiral tumble out, and Monique steps out to stretch her legs.)
Max: Hey, Trent, if the movie gets boring, can you, ahem, ‘play Misty
for me’ – and the other guys? (A serving tray comes flying out of
nowhere, knocking Max senseless! As Monique and the guys look on in
disbelief, Brittany whistles past and scoops the tray up as Max tries
to shake his head clear.)
Brittany: Keep it zipped, pig!
Trent: Man, they’re strict here. (beat; to Max) Get up, dude.
Nicolas: (glancing over) Hey, isn’t that Daria-? (The guys look over to
see Daria skating along, her little skirt flowing as she moves. Monique
looks at Daria, then around at the guys, then back at Daria. She looks
closely at the way Trent looks at the young woman, and suddenly raps
him lightly upon the head.)
Monique: Have your little fantasies about roller-skate tracks on your
blankets later, ace.
Trent: Chill, babe. A date’s a date. (pause) No real woman would have
to get jealous if her man happened to notice a pretty woman. (Without a
second thought, Monique swings and knocks Trent down right next to Max!)
Monique: (coolly) You punk me, you pay. (Brittany flashes by and gives
Monique a big ‘thumbs-up’, while Daria glances over, blushes at the
sight of Trent, and rushes off.)
Trent: (chastised as he rises) Yeah. You’re right. Sorry, Monique.
Monique: Right. Now, get me a diet soda, with a little ice.
(SCENE: The drive-in, several minutes later. Daria skates up to a very
fancy convertible – and stops in mid-skate as she sees Nat, along with
three other girls just as attractive as she is.)
Nat: (drawing back) It’s YOU.
Girl #1: (an attractive Black teen) Who is she?
Girl #2: (a beauty with short, jet-black hair) She’s the one.
Daria: (taking a breath) Look, I’d like to say I’m sorry about what I
did. I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble, and I’m sorry about your
pet-
Nat: (turning away, her voice icy) I don’t know you.
Daria: (sighing) Okay, then. (pause) Can I take your order?
Girl #1: Yes – stop pretending to have good looks.
Girl #2: Although someone REALLY did a good job of building on what you
have-
Girl #1: -Which isn’t much. (pause; looking at Daria closely) Hey,
someone did an EXCELLENT job on that face! I didn’t think they had a
decent salon in this town.
Nat: It must have been her sister. (The girls give her questioning
looks.) Lawndale High Fashion Club? The redhead? That’s her sister.
Girl #1: Oh, that Quinn something-or-other. Yeah, she’s gorgeous.
Girl #2: Man, I wish I had a waist like hers.
Girl #1: And that HAIR-!
Daria: Yeah, yeah, all hail Quinn, whatever. (Nat looks back at her, a
mean expression crossing her face.)
Nat: Look, you. My daddy said to tell you that if you caused any
trouble with me tonight, just call and let him know. (She leans towards
Daria.) GOT IT?
Daria: Got it. (beat) Good evening. May I take your orders, please?
Girl #1: Medium popcorn with no salt or pepper, and a medium diet root
beer.
Nat: ‘No salt or pepper’? That’s sick.
Girl #1: You should hang out with more folks from down South – just
wait until you watch those fools gobbling down handfuls of popcorn with
hot sauce on it. You’d be surprised at the hot things they put on
popcorn…
Girl #2: I’d like a box of ‘Gummy Zoo Friends’, a medium diet orange
and a medium cup of ice – no ice in the soda, please. (They all turn to
the fourth girl, who yawns and looks them all over.) Well, Lucy – give
her your order.
Lucy: (turning to Daria) Please shoot me directly in both kneecaps for
being in the same car as the pride of Team Mannequin. (Daria almost
smiles.)
Nat: Stop being a prairie princess, Lucy.
Lucy: Get bent the bad way. (beat; to Daria) Okay – the ‘John Wayne’
order of chili-cheese nachos and the ‘’Red Sea’- sized Cherry
Ultra-Cola with an extra squirt of cherry syrup. (The others look at
her, wordless.) I’m seventeen, I’m a cheerleader, I already have a
boyfriend, I exercise an hour EVERY day and I ride a bike almost
everywhere I go. If you think I’m starving myself or care what you
think about what I eat, you can all kiss my
STILL-good-enough-for-soap-opera’s-boy-toys butt!
Daria (to herself) There may actually be a God. (to Nat) What can I get
for you?
Nat: Oh, I don’t know… there’s SO much to choose from, but there’s SO
much to watch out for… real butter, and all that sugar, and MSG is bad
for you, too… (pause) Oh, just bring me something – but not something
that takes a while…
Daria: (without thinking) ‘Doesn’t want something that takes a while.
Therefore, will not be getting a clue’. (Lucy bursts out laughing,
while the other girls are shocked silent, and Nat’s face goes as red as
her hair.)
Nat: I’ll fix you. (She reaches for her phone, but Lucy takes it away.)
Lucy: Get a grip, girl. (Nat looks at her, then stands up in her seat
and cups her hands to her mouth.)
Nat: (at the top of her voice) DADDY-!
(SCENE: The front entrance of the drive-in. Leopold stands next to
Daria, who holds a trash can and looks like a lost puppy, while
cameramen from all of the local networks film everything. Off to one
side, Brittany, Jodie and other student-workers look on sadly at
Daria’s humiliation.)
Leopold: …And through my program, even social outcasts, potential
disciplinary problems and teens with other problems – such as Miss
Morgendorffer here – can work to pay off physical damages, and through
prolonged contact with some of the fine, upstanding students who’ve so
freely given of their time, can one day aspire to become model students
and upstanding young citizens themselves.
(A crowd of onlookers applauds, and Leopold waves with one hand - and
pushes Daria out of the camera’s view with the other.)
Brittany: This couldn’t get any worse…
Jodie: NOW you’ve done it…
Brittany: What did I do-?
(Scene: The dumpsters. Daria is just about to toss a garbage bag in
when a BRIGHT light comes on in her face, and two men – one with a
microphone, the other with a video camera and BOTH with the ‘Sick, Sad
World’ logo on their jackets – appear from the darkness.)
SSW Reporter: She was surly, acid-tongued and withdrawn – but can a
radical new program transform this teen agent provocateur into the
‘Belle of the Ball’ du jour? ‘From ‘Misery Chick’ to ‘Head of the
Clique’, on this SPECIAL episode of ‘Sick, Sad World’!
(Ignoring them, Daria turns back to throw the bag in, but slips - and
drops right into a puddle of gunk.)
SSW Reporter: Did you get that? Tell me that you got that…
SSW Cameraman: I got it.
SSW Reporter: YES! (beat) Goodbye, SSW, hello, ‘Entertainment Tonight!’
(pause) Uh, you might want to change out of that.
(A scruffy-looking squirrel runs up to Daria, and she is left sad and
speechless as the rodent sniffs her and falls over, knocked out by the
smell.)
- END ACT II -
- ACT III –
(SCENE: The Morgendorffer House, early Saturday morning. Jane
comes down the hall and knocks on Daria’s door. )
Jane: Daria-? Daria, open the door. It’s me – one of your fellow
detainees in celluloid hell… Daria, are you okay?
Quinn: (OS) Oh, she’s all right – for the most part. (beat) You should
have smelled the bathroom after she cleaned up Thursday night – and the
smell was SO bad. Eeeeeewwwwwwwww…
Jane: Quinn, aren’t you maybe just exaggerating just a little bit?
(Quinn rolls her eyes at Jane.)
Quinn: Daria, you have to come out and do things with your friend. You
can’t be all shut-up in there – my friends will think that you’re
weirder than you already are, like that math guy that lived in the
woods and blew up people through the mail – you know, Tim Kazurinzky,
or, whatever.
Jane: Thanks, Quinn. That ‘Sensitivity Training For Teens’
article in ‘Waif’ last month did you a whole world of good. (Quinn’s
eyes go wide as Jane winces, and the door opens to show a dubious look
on Daria’s face.) Hey, Courtney got a copy from the Fashion Club when
she was here last week!
Daria: Uh, huh.
Jane: (pushing through) Well, little piggie, let me in! (She sees that
Daria has a full head of ‘bed hair’, and she is wearing a huge
bed-shirt.) And, lo, how the beautiful have fallen!
Daria: What ARE you talking about?
Jane: You, dumb head! You got more attention in the past two days than
ANYTHING I’ve painted! It’s a good thing that you didn’t show up for
school yesterday- (she pulls out a handful of paper scraps) – because,
BOY, were the dogs out looking for you!
Daria: (looking at the paper scraps) What are those?
Jane: Phone numbers. Boys all wanting you to call, and boys who were
desperate for your number…
Daria: Don’t remind me. I already heard about my parents’ ‘adventures
in telephones’ from last night.
Jane: Come again?
Daria: Pull up a chair… (Time-dissolve to…)
(SCENE: The living room, the night before. Jake and Helen are lying out
on the couch, sipping clear liquid from Mason quart jars and sharing
silly smiles as ‘Are You Experienced?’ oozes out of the CD player. Jake
is in a threadbare ‘Pink Floyd’ t-shirt and beaten-down fatigue pants,
while Helen wears faded jeans and a tie-dye t-shirt that shows her
bosom’s… ahem… continued transcendence of gravity.)
Helen: Thank that redneck trucker you worked with for me, Jake. (She
sips again.) Mmmmm… this reminds me of when we visited Willow’s people
in the Ozarks, the first spring break we had at Middleton?
Jake: Yeah. I never saw a still that big before. (He swigs a shot.) Mr.
Stoddard was so happy that I could smooth things out with the union
reps for him, he offered the two of us a week in Hawaii…
Helen: (a slight slur in her voice) And you didn’t take it?
Jake: I knew you couldn’t get away. (hiccup) So he cut me a nice check
with a really nice bonus, and then he asked me if I knew what ‘White
Lightning’ was… He had his boys bring up twenty gallons of the stuff in
these quart jars. (beat) It’s in storage at the office. (He hiccups
again.)
Helen: (her inner vixen rising) Oh, Jake, you’ve got hiccups… (She
pulls herself slowly across Jake as she comes face-to-face with him,
and smiles as she feels his… reaction.) You know, there’s only one sure
way of getting rid of them.
Jake: What’s that?
Helen: Holding your breath. (She nails him down with a kiss that could
suck the blue from the sky – and the phone rings.) What the -?
Jake: (returning to THIS reality) Ah…uhmm…I’ll get it. (picks up)
Hello? No, Daria’s not at home – she’s at work. Yes, I’ll tell her you
called – well, that’s an unusual name – like the sweet potato, right?
Sorry... (hangs up)
Helen: Who was that?
Jake: Some boy for Daria. (He reaches for Helen when the phone rings
again.) Hello – no, she’s not here. Bowman? Any relation to the
astronaut… oh, yeah, it WAS just a movie…what? Say WHAT? Look, you
perv, try calling my daughter again and I’ll open YOUR pod-bay doors!
(slams the receiver down) The nerve of some boys! I’ll-
Helen: Calm down, Jake. You’ll need your strength. (The phone rings
again.) Hello-? No, Daria’s not at home right now…No, you’re not
interrupting. Yes, Mr. Hardesty, I will let Daria know you tried to
contact her… why, yes… thank you… (Jake looks on in surprise as Helen
curls up on the couch with the phone.) Mr. Hardesty, you DO flatter…
oh, why, yes… Galen, then… (pause) I’ve never heard anyone describe my
voice that way before… warms you all the way through, but makes every
hair stand on end – does my voice really do that to you? Oh, Galen…
that is such an… invigorating way of putting it… (Helen runs her
fingers through her hair as she talks while Jake, FAR from being angry,
takes another gulp on moonshine and watches with growing arousal.) And
that’s just so… yes… slow IS good… (pause) Galen, I just don’t have the
words- (Helen’s hand touches Jake, and she comes crashing back to
Earth!) Uh, umm, ah, yes, why, yes, Mr. Hardesty – I WILL tell my
daughter that you called. (She puts the phone down and lets her
breathing slow to normal.) That’s rather odd…
Jake: What is?
Helen: It just popped into my head. I think I understand now why Daria
keeps renting ‘The Truth About Cats and Dogs’. (the phone rings again.)
Maybe you should get that one, Jake…
Jake: (a twinkle in his eye) Gonna need a smoke over there, Helen?
Helen: (surprised) JAKE! (beat) Did that redneck give you some of that,
too?
Jake: (smiling broadly) No, Helen – I said ‘a smoke’. (beat) You’re a
bad girl with a little moonshine in you.
Helen: (stretching herself) I can be a bad girl no matter what’s in me…
(Jake blatantly runs his eyes over Helen as he picks up the phone.)
Jake: Hello? Yes, this is- no she’s out. (beat) Mistress of what –
What’s a Thea? Oh, you’re the – look here! No matter whatever nasty
rumors you’ve heard, my daughter likes boys! Goodbye! (He hangs up and
turns to Helen, taking her by one hand and grabbing his Mason jar in
the other.) Let’s go upstairs, Helen!
Helen: Jake…
Jake: Remember our weekend out at Pearl Fingers Lake, out in Colorado,
the weekend we got snowed in with the girl who was a consultant for the
Nixon campaign?
Helen: Let’s go. (Time-dissolve back to…)
(SCENE: Daria’s room. Jane, perched on Daria’s bed, is openmouthed with
surprise as Daria scrubs at the top of her little box-hat.)
Jane: And they told you all of THAT?
Daria: (holding up a minicam) Not all of it.
Jane: Daria! You’ve got your own house bugged?
Daria: (smirking) Not all of it.
Jane: Well, at least you’re thinking about something other than this
whole drive-in crap. (beat) Come on – let’s get something to eat.
Daria: Yeah. (beat) I need something to chew on, while I come up with a
way to bury the Hedgehog once and for all. (pause) I may have it coming
for what I’ve done, but I’m not taking it from THAT sleazebag anymore.
Jane: (brightening) Now THAT’S the Daria we all know and fear. (beat)
Come on – first one’s on you.
Daria: On ME? Didn’t you just get beaucoup bucks for a painting?
Jane: Doesn’t matter. I’m just a struggling artist, but YOU’RE a
‘working girl’. (She gets blindsided by a smiley-face pillow.) Okay –
explain THIS!
Daria: Sure I will. You can read all about it in next month’s copy of
‘Waif’.
(SCENE: The Landon home. A dubious-looking Rachel sits next to Tiffany
in the living room as Sandi, pointer in hand, stands next to a
mannequin and poster boards on an easel.)
Rachel: I’m not sure that I should be doing this, Ms. Griffin, because
Quinn said-
Sandi: As President of the Fashion Club, it is my duty and my
responsibility to make sure your apprenticeship goes along in a manner
that does not dishonor all those young women who have come before us in
fashion.
Tiffany: Like, that is soooo important…
Sandi: Now, since I am going to continue your training, it is important
to remember some basic rules. (She removes the first poster board.)
Rule #1. ‘Wearing primary colors during daylight hours. NOT DONE.’
Rachel: (slouching down on the couch) Quinn taught me that weeks ago –
AND we had smoothies at the mall afterward.
Quinn: (walking in) I had planned on low-fat frozen yogurt after our
trip to the mall today – but first, I’m wondering WHY you’re holding
classes for MY apprentice! (beat) WELL-?
Sandi: Well, Kuh-WINN, I thought that I would help take some of the
stress of your position off you by taking young Miss Landon under my
own wing. (beat) Surely, you don’t want a potential Fashion Club member
to be lacking in her skills because of your own pride, do you?
Quinn: Of course not. (She walks in and takes Rachel by the hand as she
leads her off.) And when we all get to meet YOUR apprentice soon, I’ll
extend her – and YOU – the same courtesy in all Fashion Club duties.
(beat) Right now, though, my FRIEND and I are going to the mall to just
relax and have ice cream in sugar cones.
Tiffany: (stunned even for her) That’s… not… right.
Sandi: Quinn, are you going to flagrantly disregard the spirit of the
Fashion Club by setting a bad example?
Quinn: That’s the difference between us, Sandi. I SET an example
because I do what I want – and because you do what you think other
people want, you’ve BECOME one. (beat) Come on, Rach. Time for a cone.
(They start for the doorway.)
Rachel: But isn’t ice cream bad for you?
Quinn: Totally.
Rachel: And aren’t sugar cones bad, too?
Quinn: Even worse.
Rachel: Then why are we getting them?
Quinn: Because sometimes, a girl’s gotta be bad. (As they leave, a
scarlet flush colors Sandi’s angry features.)
(SCENE: The Lane house. Daria & Jane are sprawled out in the front
room when the Boys of Spiral roll in like rats off the Andrea Doria.)
Jane: (motioning to Daria) You guys look like she feels.
Nicolas: We know. We were at the show Thursday night. (Daria suddenly
turns bright red.)
Jesse: Daria – you were hot! You should wear skirts more- (Max
‘accidentally’ swats him over the couch with a guitar case before Trent
can turn towards him.)
Max: Oops – guess I slipped.
Jesse: (lifting himself up) ‘No, officer, I don’t know how he got that
guitar shoved way up there – and in that position.’ (pause) You just
became the drummer for Spinal Tap. (Very sensibly, Max runs for his
life as Jesse looks to Daria.) Sorry, Daria. That was Little Jesse
talking. (beat) Hey, but Trent seriously thought you were cute, and got
slugged by Monique-
Jane: (QUICKLY cutting in) Hey, Trent, your copy of ‘Knitting Monthly’
came earlier – I put it on your bed! (Everyone turns to face Trent –
and Max’s head appears in the window.)
Trent: (Looking around at the stares) It helps me keep my fingers
limber for playing, and I don’t have to blow bucks on store-brought
presents. (Everyone still stares at him.) Whatever.
Nicholas: (to Daria) So, I heard you got on the bad side of ‘Hedgehog
the Horndog’.
Daria: The WHO?
Trent: (distasteful) Yeah. He’s a sick little puppy, and he’s into the
nastiest- (His eyes suddenly lock with Daria’s.) I gotta go look at my
magazine.
Jane: (as Trent disappears) The true sign of true love. The handsome
bard displays uncommonly chivalrous behavior when in proximity to the
object of his affection.
Daria: May you suddenly become a man, and inherit a home with a
thousand and one rooms; and within each of those rooms, there shall be
a beautiful woman, who will not have you.
Jane: If I weren’t more interested in finding out more about this jerk,
I’d think up a good comeback. (beat; to Nicolas) What about the
Hedgehog?
Nicolas: Your friend the Councilman’s got a thing for dirty movies.
REALLY dirty movies – the kinds that show up in greasy old paper bags
carried by guys named Paco, the ‘tossed-salad’ man. (A look of sudden
shock and realization crosses Daria’s face.)
Jane: Oh, gross! (beat; curious) The ones with women and farm animals?
Nicolas: The ones with women and ENDANGERED animals. (pause) Koalas
shouldn’t have to be abused in that way.
Daria: How come nobody’s ever busted him?
Nicolas: The local ‘seriously rich man’? There’s better ways to bring
trouble a-never-ending into your life. (beat) People stay out of his
way. (Nicolas leaves, and Jane turns as she sees a smirk on Daria’s
face.)
Jane: You’ve got a plan, haven’t you?
(SCENE: The Gupty home: Sandi and Tiffany sit in the living room, with
Tricia Gupty on the couch next to them.)
Sandi: Now, while the apparel you’re dressed in is, well, satisfactory
for a member of the general public – a Fashion Club apprentice must
dress in a more savvy, presentable manner.
Tricia: Cool! (beat) Can you teach me how to dress like Quinn does?
She’s SO pretty, and all the boys like her and want to take her places…
Sandi: Miss Gupty, while Quinn has her moments, I am the President of
the Fashion Club for a reason.
Tricia: So you can be in charge, because Quinn’s more popular, prettier
and has more bounce in her hair?
Tiffany: Yeah. Quinn’s hair DOES have a nice bounce to it… and it’s so
shiny, too… (The pencil Sandi holds snaps cleanly in two.)
Sandi: The sun DOES NOT rise and set just so it can shine on Quinn
Morgendorffer, Miss Gupty. (pause) Now, let’s begin by looking at the
proper makeup scheme for someone of your age and complexion.
Tricia: (sipping her bottled water) Can you help me learn to toss my
hair like Quinn does?
(SCENE: The Gupty’s neighborhood. The idyllic peace and quiet of the
area is suddenly demolished by a single, piercing, soul-rending scream
of absolute disgust and resignation.)
(SCENE: The drive-in. Daria & Jane peer around a corner as Leopold
swaggers across the parking lot to his car – a slinky, candy-apple red
Jaguar XKE with a sunroof and a vanity plate that reads, ‘MORTHNU’.
Daria: That plate should read ‘Oversized Load’. (They watch as he
neatly slips into the Jag & takes off.)
Jane: My God, did you see how easily he fit into that teeny-tiny car?
Daria: I guess it’s true – fat meat IS greasy. (beat) Come on – let’s
check the office.
(SCENE: Leopold’s office. Daria looks over the desk as Jane checks
around the shelves.)
Jane: (glancing back as Daria sits down and boots up the desk computer)
What are you doing?
Daria: Role-playing ‘Melody Powers’.
Jane: You’re going to blow up his desktop computer?
Daria: Ha, ha. (She scrolls through the contents.) Virtual Rolodex.
Journal with pathetic encryption. LOTS on names and entries. This guy
never read ‘The 100 Things I’d Do If I Were An Evil Overlord.’ (She
begins to type furiously.) Oh, look. A list of names and stars besides
them. There’s a listing for ‘Kringle, Kris’. It has five stars.
Jane: Must be the super-blonde I did the portrait of.
Daria: Must be the reason why ‘every day is Christmas’ for him.
Jane: The jerk.
Daria: Well, you painted a nude of her.
Jane: Yes, but that’s different. I was capturing a source of natural
beauty for art’s sake, and using my natural talents in a practical
manner.
Daria: You also got paid.
Jane: That’s right – I did a job, and I got paid for it. Anyone who
thinks that there aren’t bills to be paid in an artist’s world and ‘art
should be done for art’s sake’ needs to go breathe paint fumes. (pause;
a little heat in her voice) Hell, Shakespeare didn’t just sit around on
his ass writing all day because he wanted to – he wanted to eat, keep
wearing clothes and stay out of debtor’s prison.
(Wisely, Daria leaves the subject alone and keeps typing as Jane
continues to scan along the rows of film cans.)
Daria: Yeah… nothing like the Internet… (She works the mouse, and
continues to type when Jane’s audible gasp of surprise catches Daria’s
attention.) What?
Jane: Oh, my God.
Daria: What?
Jane: I think Nicolas was right! About the Councilman and his dirty
movies, that is.
Daria: (still typing like mad) What’d you find?
Jane: (in Spanish) ‘Ocho bolas llameantes del espacio exterior’.
Daria: In English, please.
Jane: (smirking) ‘Eight Flaming Balls From Outer Space’.
Daria: Oh, yeah. THAT sounds like a Disney Channel original movie – if
we were Sliders and just landed in ‘Fire Island’ San Francisco. (beat;
still typing) Anything else?
Jane: Yeah, there are a few more REALLY interesting titles, but this
one’s brand new – it just came in this morning. (beat) Here’s the
mailer tag – straight from Paraguay.
Daria: Really. (Jane’s ears perk up at Daria’s tone.)
Jane: You have… a plan.
Daria: I have a plan. (beat) Where are the films for this coming
weekend?
Jane: (looking around) Over here. ‘Butterflies In Winter’ – that’s a
chick flick – the latest ‘Thunder Bikers’ flick, some kid movie about a
baby seal that wants to fly, a pirate/superhero movie called ‘The
Flying Moor’ and – COOL!
Daria: What?
Jane: ‘It’s ‘Ruthless Bunny III – Rabid RONIN Rampage’! (She sees Daria
giving her a questioning look.) Uh, ah, I mean, yeah, it’s the new
Ruthless Bunny ‘should’ve-gone-straight-to-video’ slugfest.
Daria: Eh. They need to give her someone worth fighting. (She goes over
and takes the middle reel from the ‘RBIII’ film can, then switches it
with the middle reel from the porno can.)
Jane: You are truly twisted.
Daria: Wait until my wedding night.
Jane: Daria? Was that was a joke? (Jane reseals the cans, and they
start away from the film shelves when a soap-opera-sleazy guy, dressed
in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ style black clothes and swinging a cheap suitcase,
stops at the door and looks them over.)
Guy: Hey, sweet cheeks! Yeah, you – Senorita Hot Tamale! (Daria and
Jane glance at one another, and exasperated, the guy points at Daria.)
Yes, you – Little Miss ‘Needs to actually eat something on one of her
many dates’! Daria: Who ARE you?
Guy: I’m Orlando, baby! Orlando! (He struts into the office.) You know
– home of the BIG oranges?
Daria: Oh, yeah, the big SEEDLESS oranges.
Orlando: (chuckles) Hey, you’re kind of saucy to be the local rich
chick!
Daria: Why do you keep saying that?
Orlando: Well, I thought you’d be all stuck up and full of yourself,
not even bothering to talk to the ‘hired help’ – you being the
Councilman’s daughter and all – but you don’t mind giving as good as
you get! (pause; he looks her over) Man, they said you were cute, but
they didn’t tell me you were such a knockout – love the way you’re
working those boots! (He moves closer to Daria, and flashes her a smile
that actually has a little charm in it.) Tell you what. You’re a classy
chick, so if you’d like to knock those bad boys with a guy who knows
how to treat a lady right, why don’t you let me take you out sometime?
I’ll even do it right, ‘cause I got the hook-up out at Chez Pierre!
Jane: (trying to hide her smile) ‘And this, my pretty, is my curse
fulfilled.’
Daria: What do you want? (Orlando gives her a bodice-stripping
once-over that would do any lecherous soul proud.) I mean here, from
this office?
Orlando: Your dad told me to come and pick up the film that came in
this morning, and hold onto it until I take it to the big ‘council
meeting’ Thursday night! (He laughs and winks in what he considers a
sly manner.) He has to ‘go out of town for a few days’… if you know
what I mean.
Daria: Whatever. (She gets the film can and gives it to him, and he
hands her the suitcase he’s been carrying.) What’s this for?
Orlando: You know. (beat) Those are the, ahem, ‘consulting fees’ from
all the other business types for that school thing, and the rest –
well, that’s all man-stuff your daddy’s taking care of, so he can keep
you in all the nice things girls like you enjoy. (beat; notices her
outfit.) Honey, you’re blazing, ‘cause you make even those Saturday
work-clothes you’re sporting look good!
Daria: Yeah. Get out – and if you say another word, I’m going to coat
my steel-toed boots in orange pulp. (Orlando, protecting his orchard
with the film can, takes off.)
Jane: I think you’re back.
Daria: I think that I’m glad for what’s about to happen. (They leave
the office and start down the hall.)
Jane: Bring down the local porn lord and screwing with God-knows how
many minds?
Daria: It’s been a good day. Our work here is done.
Jane: It’s almost a shame, though. Everyone loves my paintings.
Daria: The real shame is how everyone loves my painted face.
Jane: Well, you have to admit that the Fashion Fascists did a bang-up
job of making you a hard-core hottie.
Daria: Complete with hard-core idiot boys, all waiting for a chance to
jump me.
Jane: Hey, last week you were so hot, I’d have jumped you.
Daria: Yeah, maybe, but you’d never take me anywhere or introduce me to
your friends…
Jane: If I wanted a trophy, I’d bag Jodie or Brittany. You I’d have
around because you make my toes curl.
Daria: If we keep this up, they’ll make one of those films about us.
Jane: Yeah – ‘Daria Does Damn Near Everyone In Town.’
Daria: Oh, now THERE’S a film that could be directed by Ron Howard.
Jane: Only if Bruckheimer produces it. This one’s going to be loud,
wild, and action-packed. (beat) What was that…?
(The sound of sniffling catches their attention, and the twosome move
quietly to the very end of the hall, where a small ‘green room’ is
located, and they peek inside the slightly ajar door.)
Jane: (VERY quietly) Oh, man…
(They see Nat, sitting by herself and crying softly as she watches home
videos on a HUGE wide screen TV. The image on screen is of Nat running
around a large tree, a small, furry squirrel with a large, bushy tail
half-chasing, half-bouncing happily after her.)
Nat: (VO) Help, help, the killer squirrel’s trying to get me! (She
backs up against the tree, and the squirrel stops, stands up on its
hind legs, and actually raises its front paws up ‘Godzilla’- style.)
Oh, no – only one thing will stop the killer squirrel – lots and lots
of nuts! (She holds up a bag, and the little beast begins to chitter
excitedly.) Here you go, little guy. (She hands him a macadamia nut,
and the squirrel actually sits back on his haunches and waits for Nat
to sit down before he eats. He gobbles his treat, and holds out his
paws for another.)
Jane: That is some squirrel. (beat) I didn’t know that she had trained
him THAT well… (Behind Jane, Daria’s face has drained of color.)
Nat: (VO) Who’s your favorite person? (The squirrel runs off a few
feet, stops and lifts it’s head as though it’s looking for someone.)
Oh, very funny. (The squirrel runs back to Nat, does a little flip, and
nuzzles her hand.) And who’s my favorite squirrel? (The squirrel does a
little dance in front of her, and then runs to her to be petted.) I
won’t ever let anyone take you away from me, Mr. Squirrel. You’re my
best friend. (As if in response, the squirrel runs off, and then comes
back a moment later, an acorn in its mouth, and he presses it into
Nat’s hand.) Oh, thank you!
Jane: Damn, I didn’t realize she loved that little rat that much. But
then again, with phony fashion-fiend friends and a dad like hers, a
little guy who just loves her and doesn’t do her dirt would have a real
hold on the heartstrings… Daria…? Daria?
(Jane suddenly realizes that Daria is no longer besides her, or
anywhere in the hall.)
(SCENE: Several blocks away from the drive-in. Jane sees Daria sitting
morosely on a curb, the suitcase in her lap and her head in her hands.)
Jane: (sitting down) What happened was an accident. You couldn’t have
known –
Daria: Jane. Don’t.
Jane: Don’t what?
Daria: Just… just don’t.
Jane: Oh. (pause) Daria – we can’t stay here. We do need to go.
Daria: Yeah, we do. (beat) Could you come over and stick around for a
while?
Jane: I can do that.
Daria: Jane-?
Jane: Yo?
Daria: I don’t think I’ll be good for conversation.
Jane: That’s cool, too. (beat) You’ll be buying the pizza.
(SCENE: The Griffin home. The Fashion Club is having a meeting in
Sandi’s meeting. Sandi seems down and off on Planet Sadness as the
others talk.)
Quinn: I think that we should adopt a resolution banning the wearing of
any animal-print outfits by Fashion Club members. Far TOO many girls
are wearing them – and as you know, ‘if everyone is doing it, it isn’t
cool’. (pause) Not that we’re trying to be, of course.
Stacy: Of course not!
Tiffany: That…would… be… wrong.
Stacy: We’re trying to help people!
Tiffany: TV’s… made… them… unfashionable.
Quinn: What do you think, Sandi? (pause) Sandi?
Sandi: (in another dimension) The answer is ‘twelve’! (beat; back in
her own body) Uh, did someone say something?
Quinn: (knowing when to say ‘when’) Okay, we’ll pick up everything at
the next meeting! (Stacy & Tiffany file out after gathering their
things, and Quinn turns to face Sandi.) Sandi, are you all right?
Sandi: (her voice flat) I’m fine.
Quinn: Sandi, you don’t sound fine. (beat) Look, if this is about the
apprentice thing-
Sandi: (her face holding a neutral expression) You’re doing a good job
with Rachel.
Quinn: I’m not fishing for compliments, Sandi, I’m just saying that you
don’t have to feel bad if you can’t- (The death’s head glare Sandi
fires in Quinn’s direction says that she’s on the verge of crossing one
of THOSE lines.) You know, Sandi-
Sandi: (her face going from neutral to blank) I’m, like, really kind of
tired, Quinn. I’m going to take a nap. (Without waiting for a response,
she crawls into bed & turns her back to Quinn.)
Quinn: Well, if you’re not feeling well… (Quinn turns off the light and
closes the door. Sandi lies quietly for a long time, her eyes open and
staring at the wall.)
Sandi: (softly) I’m a failure. (As she speaks, the blank expression
just fades off Sandi’s features, leaving a dead world where a face
should be, and she curls up into the fetal position. She remains
motionless in that position, long after the sunlight has left and taken
the room into complete darkness.)
(SCENE: Lawndale High: Ms. Li is in her office, sipping from her bottle
of GOOD brandy and cackling with glee as she goes over the contents of
several folders and ledgers.)
Ms. Li: Oh, yes… this will bring in unparalled wealth, and honor, and
glory… (She slams a shot of brandy, and starts to refill her glass when
someone knocks at the door.) One minute, please! (She stashes the
bottle and the glasses, and downs a number of chewy mints as she
stashes the paperwork.) Come in! (The door opens and Jodie comes in,
followed by Mr. DeMartino. Jodie begins to speak, but DeMartino cuts
her off.)
DeMartino: Angela – you’ve FINALLY gone TOO FAR in trying to get
FUNDING for the school!
Ms. Li: What are you talking about?
DeMartino: These new RULES that you’ve got the students under! (beat)
‘All students must do a minimum of TEN work-volunteer hours in the
community’!
Jodie: Haven’t you ever heard of the 13th Amendment and ‘no indentured
servitude’?
Ms. Li: Miss Landon, I’m far too busy to keep up with all of those new
bands on MTV! (beat) This program is a fine way for ALL students to
give a little something back to the fine academic institution which has
imparted so much to them… Students like you should be grateful. We, the
instructors and administration of LAWNDALE HIGH, are the ones who have
striven, and pushed ourselves to provide the type of educational milieu
that could forge a mind such as yours into one capable of rising to the
forefront of the world that awaits you. (pause) I’m almost offended by
your attitude, Miss Landon.
Jodie: You’re unbelievable.
Ms. Li: To paraphrase a great man, Miss Landon – ‘Ask not what your
school can do for you… ask what you can do for your school’. For
someone who’s taking so much away, and stands as a shimmering symbol of
the caliber of student LAWNDALE HIGH is capable of producing, you
should be honored to not only give back to your school, but to show
others that they, too, should do the same. (to DeMartino) And you
should be happy, also. Finally, the students are making use of their
time in a beneficial manner.
DeMartino: When this THUNDERING GOATSCREW of a scheme comes CRASHING
DOWN, remember to save my SPOT in line to say that I TOLD YOU SO!
Ms. Li: OUT! (They leave, and she retrieves her bottle.) Oh, so much
money, all for me… and LAWNDALE HIGH, of course. (beat) Oh, so much
money… (She takes a long drag from the bottle.) It’s going to be a
goooood day…
(SCENE: LHS hallway. Daria and Jane are at Jane’s locker when Typhoon
Jodie comes rolling down the hallway.)
Jane: Daria – I think that Hell just froze over.
Daria: Hmn? (She turns in time to see several of Jodie’s Student
Council cronies run up to her, only to have them scatter in terror as
Jodie drops one with a vicious left hook, smashes another face-first
into a bank of lockers and makes a grab for the others!)
Jane: VERY not good. (They watch as Jodie suddenly comes across Sandi –
but the thousand-yard stare in Sandi’s eyes makes even a rampaging
Jodie swirl around and away from her, looking for victims.)
Daria: Damn. (beat) Ostrich time?
Jane: Ostrich time. (They wisely stick their heads into Jane’s locker
and blend in as Jodie leaves a trail down the hall any tornado-chaser
would recognize.)
Daria: (pulling her head from the locker) I’ve never seen her like that
before.
Jane: (looking down the hall) Uh, oh. Extreme pain in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
Upchuck: (OS) Hey, Jodie – yaaaahhAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! The pain! THE
PAIN! Oh, sweet Lord, the little Chuckster’s ON FIRE! (Daria &
Jane’s eyes go wide.)
Daria: I’ve never seen an Indian rope burn do that before.
Jane: Stop, drop and roll, Charles! (beat) Oh, no – he’s running.
Daria: Kind of reminds me of an Olympic torch-bearer. (pause) Except
for that whole knees-unlocking-and-falling-over-in-pain thing. (The
sound of Upchuck’s screams turning into gurgles of pain reaches them.)
You have to give Jodie credit. Even when she does her impression of a
Valkyrie on crack, she still finds a way to be a good citizen.
Jane: She really should have used a fire extinguisher.
Daria: Yeah. Stomping out the fire – not a good idea.
Jane: I guess Upchuck won’t be running the projector tonight.
Daria: We’re talking about Ms. Li. She’ll give him an aspirin, an ice
cube, an aloe leaf and put him back to work. (They start off in the
other direction.)
Jane: You know, this is almost ironic, considering the ‘movie’ for
tonight.
Daria. Not really. Consider it a sneak preview.
(SCENE: The Griffin home. Sam & Chris sit in the living room, their
eyes flickering from the TV to the stairs every few minutes. They sit
on the edges of their chairs, as if they’re ready to flee at a moment’s
notice – and as Linda turns the corner, they literally scream and take
off running!)
Linda: STOP! (The brothers see their mom, and stop in mid-flee.) What
the hell’s been going around here the past few days? What’s wrong with
you?
Sam: (looking at his brother) Mom – Sandi’s gonna kill us all!
Linda: And since when are YOU TWO afraid of your sister? (beat; laughs)
‘She’s gonna kill us all…’ Please. Your sister’s barely aware that you
exist – especially with that whole Fashion Club thing- (She catches the
look between brothers, and ice suddenly touches the base of her spine.)
What-?
Chris: The Fashion Club girls haven’t been here in days. They’ve
called, trying to talk to Sandi, but she doesn’t look at the phone or
pay attention to us if we mention them!
Sam: Quinn’s been by every day, but Sandi won’t even open the door of
her room! (beat) She said that they only see Sandi in classes – she
won’t even look at them or speak to anyone – and when some Lurch of a
football player bumped her lunch tray, the look she gave him made him
pee all over himself!
Chris: (gripping his mother’s arm) Mom – the clothes she wore this
morning weren’t ironed. (Linda looks at her son with utter disbelief
when the sound of Sandi’s door opening CREAKS LOUDLY through the
suddenly too-quiet house, and the sound of her footsteps can be heard!)
Chris: She’s out of her room, Mom!
Sam: (grabbing around Linda’s waist) Mommy, don’t let her get us!
Linda: Boys, we have to go-! (The boys right at her side, Linda bolts
through the front door and towards her car as Sandi reaches the bottom
of the stairs!) Get in-! GET IN! (Linda slams her door shut and fumbles
with her keys as Sandi, puzzled, comes to the front door.)
Chris: (hysterical) She’s at the front door, Mom! (Sam starts to
scream, and Linda turns the ignition key!) Hurry up, Mom, HURRY UP!
Sam: Mommy – I DON’T WANT TO DIE! (As Sandi steps out the front door,
Chris also starts to scream!)
Chris: Start the car start the CAR START THE CAR START THE CAR GO GO GO
GOGOGOGOGOGOSHE’S COMING OUT THE DOOR!!! (Linda drops the hammer down,
and her car burns rubber for a full block as she races the car in
reverse, then fishtails in an intersection and races away, screams of
abject terror trailing behind!)
Sandi: Like, what was that all about? (beat) I guess THEY don’t want to
be around a loser, either. (She goes inside and slumps down on the
couch, going fetal after a few moments. She lies there for several
minutes when she hears a soft, almost cautious knock at the front
door.) Go away. My family isn’t here. (The knock comes again.) Who is
it?
Small Voice: (OS) You probably don’t remember me, Miss Sandra. You were
over at my house several days ago, talking to my sister.
(Very curious, Sandi stands up, opens the front door and sees nothing –
until she looks down to see Tad Gupty, looking slightly forlorn in the
‘little Caucasian boy of the 1950’s’ outfit his parents dress him in.)
Tad: Yeah – down here.
Sandi: You’re very short.
Tad: Yeah, but I always eat my vegetables. Dad said that someday, I’ll
be six feet tall! (beat) Can I come in? (Still a little confused, Sandi
lets him in.)
Sandi: Now, what do you want?
Tad: (very chipper) I want to be your apprentice!
Sandi: WHAT? (beat) You can’t!
Tad: How come?
Sandi: You’re a boy!
Tad: Boys can’t be fashionable? (Sandi stops dead in her tracks.) Don’t
boys need to know how to dress well, and know the things that make them
look good when they go out with a pretty girl like you?
Sandi: But you’re a BOY! Nobody’s EVER had a male apprentice in the
Fashion Club!
Tad: Then YOU’LL be the FIRST, Miss Sandra. (pause) A babysitter I had
once told me to think for myself, so I did – and since my sister
doesn’t want to learn from you, I want you to teach me.
Sandi: (almost hesitantly) Why don’t you ask Quinn-?
Tad: Because you’re the leader, Miss Sandra. You know more. You
actually do stuff. Quinn’s pretty, but people like her just because
she’s Quinn. You had to do stuff so people would know who you are. You
can teach me stuff, so people will know who I am when I grow up.
(Sandi walks towards the living room, and Tad follows just behind her.
She sits down, and motions him to a chair. She looks at him for a long
moment before she speaks.)
Sandi: Your shoes. (pause) They’re not stylish at all – but you keep
them very nicely polished. The first thing a girl REALLY notices about
any boy when she first meets him – once she gets past the physical
stuff – is his shoes.
Tad: I always polish my shoes before I go to bed, and I have a shoetree!
Sandi: A wise decision. (beat) Jackets. You will learn to wear them. No
girl wants to be seen with a guy who looks like a model for the Chess
Club, and what you’re wearing… (She shudders.)
Tad: I always wondered why Heather didn’t want to talk to me when the
other girls were around…
Sandi: Just because you’re a young man doesn’t mean that you have to
dress like a little boy. Now, if you’re going to be fashionable, the
first thing you always have to remember is that you aren’t doing it for
yourself, but to show all of those other boys out there what they could
become, too – if they wanted to try. Do you understand?
Tad: I think so.
Sandi: Then you don’t, not just yet. Understanding fashion isn’t
thinking with THIS- (She touches her right temple) – but knowing with
THIS. (She puts her hand to her heart.) Stand up. (They both stand.)
Let’s begin… with ‘Level Flight…’
Tad What’s that?
Sandi: (smiling for the first time) It’s something from a very good
book I once read. (beat) Now, the way your clothes hang is VERY
important. We’ll need to get you a full-length mirror for your room at
home…
(SCENE: The ‘Starlite Passion Drive-In.’ The sun is setting, and cars
are lined up to get in. On the giant screen, movie trailers, various
snack and drink ads, and ads from local stores continually run.)
(SCENE: The foyer. Dennis, his foot tapping in annoyance, watches from
a window as the girls serve orders on wheels. His eyes linger a bit too
long on a still-fuming Jodie, and he recoils in shock as a horseshoe
sandwich splatters across the window – a perfect hit, had it been open.
Dennis creeps away, keenly aware of the patrons watching and laughing
at him.)
(SCENE: The drive-in. The ‘Tank’ sits among the many vehicles. The side
door opens, and Jesse steps out, followed by Max.)
Jesse: Dude, we came out here at the right time! Good parking spot, so
we can see the screen AND Daria!
Max: She’s HOT! (Nicolas sees the way Trent grips the door handle as he
starts to get out.)
Nicolas: (pointedly) Hey, we came to watch a couple of flicks, not
stare at underage girls – understand, brainscram?
Max: (motioning with his head at Trent and winking) Yo, Trent, her
birthday’s gotta be coming soon – what are you getting for her?
Probably a good, sturdy helmet, cause once she gets that dream shot of
taking a ride on Trent Lane, it’s gonna be one hard, long and VERY
bumpy ride! (He gives Jesse a ‘high-five’, and thus never sees the fist
that slams into his bald head and drops him cold – right on the ground
in front of Brittany, who’s skated over moments before & heard and
seen everything.)
Brittany: I guess you’ll only need three sodas instead of four – and
two of those’ll be ‘Noah’s Ark’s’. (She glares at Jesse.) Jerk. They’ll
be getting those for free, too, while they decide what else they want.
YOU can sit, go thirsty, and think being a pig over.
Nicolas: (as Brittany skates away) Serves you right. (to Trent) You
need to watch that temper. Somebody might think that you like Daria
more than you let on.
Trent: Yeah. (down to a very unconscious Max) Sorry, dude. (Jesse leans
down to raise Max’s head up and work his lips.)
Jesse: (imitating Max) No sweat. When you’re a criminale, you learn how
to take a punch like a man.
Trent: (to Jesse; smiling) You’re not right, man.
Jesse: (still working his Max-puppet) I’m sorry, dude. Jesse is, too.
We’re just messing with you – don’t mean anything by it.
Trent: Just watch your traps, okay? (He laughs, then coughs, as Jesse
makes Max’s head nod.)
(SCENE: The drive-in’s Projection Booth. Upchuck is lying out on the
couch, a bottle of painkillers on the table next to him and an
extra-fluffy pillow on his lap when Dennis comes in, film cans in hand.)
Dennis: Get up, Charles – Mr. Hedgeworth wants the movies to start at
EXACTLY seven minutes past dusk, and the sun’s almost down! Hurry up,
hurry up, you have to spool these films up and get them ready to run!
Why didn’t you come down to the office and get the movies for tonight?
Upchuck: I don’t feel too good, Mr. Dennis, and-
Dennis: Just remember, Mr. Hedgeworth and Ms. Li both said that that if
ANYBODY shirks off and doesn’t do their share, then the money that the
school would have gotten for their work is withheld! You have to pull
your weight!
(Upchuck rises from the couch, more tired of Dennis’ voice than
disabled from his own pain.)
Upchuck: Yes, sir. I’ll put them on now. (He takes the films, and
readies them for setup. As he looks the films over, he immediately
notices something wrong.) Sir, I think-
Dennis: Who told you to? Mr. Hedgeworth and Ms. Li didn’t! Mr.
Hedgeworth wants these movies playing right away! Nobody wants any of
your backtalk – now spool these films up and PLAY them!
Upchuck: (too out of it to argue) Yes… sir. (He readies the films,
starts the projector and tries not to wince or screw up with Dennis
constantly hovering over his shoulder.)
Dennis: I’ll be back to check on you later. (He leaves, and Upchuck
locks the two HUGE deadbolts on the heavy door – which also acts as a
fire door - before taking several of the pain pills.)
Upchuck: No, you won’t. (He sets the projector to play in a continuous
loop, and then hits the main lock and the flat-bolted lock at the top
of the door.) Now I can get some rest… oh, the pain… (He drops onto the
couch, and is asleep before his head hits the pillow.)
(SCENE: The drive-in’s ‘pick-up’ window. The second movie is underway,
and Jodie & Brittany relax on a bench when Daria skates over. Jodie
sees her and starts to rise, but Brittany stands up.
Brittany: (checking her watch) Oh, look, I have to get moving – time
for you two to apologize to each other! (She sits Daria firmly down
next to Jodie, gives them both a withering glare, and glides gracefully
away.)
Daria: I have to learn that move. It would really come in handy with my
mom.
Jodie: I can see being able to do that my senior year, when my parents
start trying to force-feed me the Ivy League. (They both sit quietly
for a moment.)
Daria: I’m sorry for making cracks about you and your intramurals stuff
– and about you and Mack. It was rude and callous, and I… (Jodie looks
at her with something akin to awe.) What?
Jodie: It’s just that… I mean – Daria Morgendorffer actually apologized
for something she said. (pause) Now, if we can just get everyone off
Ms. Li’s ‘work for the school treasury’ hook, we might be ready to deal
with that pesky Arab-Israeli peace treaty, and the teensy problem of
making cold fusion work.
Daria: (looking at her watch) Um, hmn…
Jodie: (narrowing her eyes, yet pleased) What did you do, Morgendorffer?
Daria: ‘I have no idea of what you’re talking about, Senator. I have no
idea why I’ve been called before this committee this morning…’
Jodie: Right. (pause) I’m sorry I called you ‘squirrel-killer’. (beat)
I understand now that you were getting it from all sides… and maybe I
should have been a little more forgiving.
Daria: (after a long moment) I saw a tape of Nat with her squirrel.
(beat) She really loved her little pet. (pause) I never meant to hurt
anybody, and I hurt someone in a way that I can’t ever fix, just
because I didn’t listen to Jane. She told me not to play any mind games
on Nat – and now…
Jodie: I wish I knew what to say, except for ‘from now on, watch out
for innocent bystanders’. (pause; a strange look goes over her face.)
Oh, yeah – ‘and listen to your friend, the artist. She’s your
conscience.’
Daria: Sounds reasonable.
Jodie: She’s also smart, talented, funny, and very - That’s not coming
out of my mouth!
Daria: Hmn? (She follows Jodie’s gaze – right up to the pick-up window
where Jane is holding up a poster board like a cue card, but ducks as
Daria’s head turns.) Excuse me. I have to help an artist discover her
source of inspiration.
Jodie: (smiling) The old-fashioned way. Pain and suffering.
(SCENE: The far side of the drive-in. Jane has several cans of paint
stacked next to Trent’s car, and stumbles through a side door with a
few cans on a dolly when she trips, stumbles several feet as she tries
not to fall – and looks back to see a waterfall of paint hit the spot
where she stumbled!)
Jane: Oh, crap! (calling out) Jeez, Daria, didn’t anybody tell you that
sometimes you just don’t think and you go just too far? Why can’t you
be that way with a boy, like any normal girl – and really, it doesn’t
matter what boy it’s with! God, please, make it any boy you see!
(pause; softly) Maybe it would mellow you out a bit…
Daria: (OS) I heard that…
Jane: (noticing dabs of paint on her clothes) You’re paying to get this
cleaned – did you hear THAT?
Daria: (OS) Whatever happened to ‘Never fear paint’?
Jane: When it’s watercolors like the stuff we use at school, that’s one
thing – when it’s mural-formula acrylic – like THIS is - it RUINS
stuff!
Daria: (OS; after a long pause) Sorry.
Jane: Oh, just get down here and make yourself useful, before I cut you
off from your daily dose of Trent!
Daria: (OS) I have an anvil and a safe up here, too.
Jane: Get to stepping, missy! (Jane’s gaze follows Daria’s footsteps
off the roof; Daria appears from around a corner several moments later,
roller-skates in hand.)
Daria: (walking over to the car) So, where are you running off with all
of this?
Jane: Remember the words ‘art store’ and ‘blank check’? (She smiles as
she sets the cases of paint down.) This is nothing. I’ve got enough
stuff stashed in my mom’s bunker and the basement to keep me in art
supplies for the next six months.
Daria: (looking at the can) Hey, this is watercolor paint! (She looks
at the other cans.) These are ALL watercolors – what gives, Lane?
Jane: (looking sheepish) I had the store send everything here – but I
ordered stuff I could use…
Daria: And the little show you just put on?
Jane: Was I wrong?
Daria: Point taken. (beat) The Hedgehog paid for all of it?
Jane: Yep.
Daria: Serves him right. (beat) Trent loaned you his car?
Jane: The guys all went off somewhere in the ‘Tank’ – heck, they might
be here! (beat) Besides, with what’s on the menu for tonight, I thought
we might need a quick way off-planet – and the ‘Millennium Van Winkle’
fits the bill quite nicely.
Daria: ‘Millennium Van Winkle’? I thought you were ‘Janvin, The
Paranoid Android?’
Jane: I’d be quiet about THAT dream if I were you. That little outfit
you’re sporting about is a very acceptable stand-in for a gold bikini,
and all we need now is for Jesse to lend Trent his vest – and a trip to
the pastry shop, so we can slap some cinnamon buns upside your head.
(Daria moves closer to Jane, and looks for a moment at her hair, which
has taken a few splatters of paint.)
Daria: That paint makes your hair look like a white leopard’s fur on
drugs. (beat) Somehow, it works on you.
Jane: Before we start acting like we’re in the Fashion Club, can you
give me a hand loading this stuff up?
Daria: Yeah – and we’d better hurry. Don’t want to miss the show.
(SCENE: the drive-in. Kevin, a bag of popcorn in hand, chews away
outside the door to the restaurant when Jodie and Brittany skate up to
him.)
Jodie: Kevin – what are you doing?
Kevin: Oh, ah, nothing.
Brittany: Kevvie-!
Kevin: But, babe, the place is like, dead and empty inside at the candy
stand, and babes, this is, like, the Bunny! The Ruthless Bunny! She
kicks serious buttockia just by talking, and when she actually puts her
paws up – oh, babes, it gets real!
Jodie (looking at the screen) Excuse me – but that doesn’t look like
the Bunny – unless she forgot what electrolysis is for…
(SCENE: The drive-in. On the big screen, the sight of a bearded Latino
man in police garb has replaced the action film. He walks down a hall
and opens a door onto a very large, opulent bedroom – and stops in
shock at the sight of a llama, its legs tied as it lies on its side on
a huge, four-poster bed with a man sitting next to the bed and rubbing
the llama’s stomach. The cop’s mouth drops open as the llama lifts its
head and speaks to him.)
Llama: (in Spanish, with subtitles) Please help me, senor – this
gentleman and his female companion are accosting me… (The cop turns to
see a woman with alien antennae and sparkle-slime coatings over her
body – and NOTHING else - enter the room.)
(SCENE: The ‘Tank’. The Boys of Spiral, really into the ‘Ruthless
Bunny’ film, are now at, well, full attention, with the appearance of
the alien woman – until the camera pulls back to fully reveal her
figure.)
Trent: Holy.
Max: Mother.
Jesse: Of.
Nicolas: God. (Their eyes all follow down to just below the woman’s
bellybutton.)
Max: (screaming) THE PROM! THE PROM! (He falls back in a dead faint,
and Trent’s eyes are wide open.
Trent: I won’t be sleeping for a while.
(SCENE: The drive-in. The viewers are screaming and shouting in disgust
and horror at the beyond-lurid images being projected on the screen.)
(SCENE: The restaurant door. Jodie and Brittany are open-mouthed with
shock at what they on the screen – and Kevin scratches his head,
somewhat confused.)
Kevin: Brit, why is that girl wearing a fire hydrant in front of her
like that… and why is it painted black?
Brittany: (sadly) That’s not a fire hydrant, Kevvie. (The sound
of a llama screeching in agony rolls across the area – and Kevin grabs
at his eyes as he drops to his knees.)
Kevin: (at the top of his voice) AAAAAAAUGH! I’M BLIND!
(SCENE: The drive-in. All hell has broken loose as vehicles trying to
leave have started smashing into one another like a giant demolition
derby.)
(SCENE: The hall outside the projection room. Dennis, his hair, face
and clothes soaked in sweat, tries in vain to get into the projection
room.)
(SCENE: The projection room. Upchuck, unmoved from his spot on the
couch, sleeps blissfully in the arms of heavy medication.)
(SCENE: Outside the projection room. Unable to open the door, Dennis
pulls away – and his face brightens as an idea comes to him.)
Dennis: The main power cut-off switch! (He rushes downstairs, through
the lobby, out the main doors – and right into the
spotlight-illuminated path of the world’s largest SUV – the HUMMER…)
Dennis: (stuck in the headlights of the Hummer like the deer he was
really meant to be) AAAAAAHHHH!
Driver: AAAAAAHHHH! (Without thinking or looking, the driver cuts a
hard turn, punches right through the doors Dennis just came through,
torpedoes the concessions stand and smashes through the entire length
of the restaurant! In the back seats of the Hummer, the driver’s twin
teenage sons and their dates start to cheer.)
Kids: (in unison) BITCHIN’!
(SCENE: Just outside the foyer. Dennis looks at the gaping hole in the
wall, the flames beginning to lick upwards from the ruins of the
concession stand,