‘UNCA TRENT’S ADVICE’
a Daria fanfic
by
Brother Grimace
(Author’s note: This fanfic comes from an ‘Iron Chef’ challenge on PPMB
that asked for a fic in which either Daria or Jane’s children were in
trouble because of something that one of the two girls did that
actually happened in the series. I took the Season Five episode ‘Art
Burn’, and the event is that Jane didn’t get on Trent strongly enough
to make the work crew do a good job fixing the gazebo behind Casa Lane.)
Great, just absolutely boffo-effing G-R-E-A-T. The Gold Dust Twins are
going to have a field day at school tomorrow, laughing it up at this
one...
Ethan Mackenzie winced as yet ANOTHER spotlight was set up on the lawn
behind the hated edifice he'd known for his entire life as 'Casa Lane'
- his mother's childhood home - and splashed more sunlight over himself
and Stacy O'Neill. They were, fortunately, now covered over with a
couple of tarps and a coat donated by a fireman who was trying so hard
not to laugh that he actually urinated on himself.
Serves you right, jerk, he thought, and he shifted slightly, only to
hear a sudden gasp of pain from Litle Stacy, pinned underneath him in
the missionary position by the metal rod that dropped from the top of
the gazebo as he and Little Stacy were, uh...
If it had happened to anybody else, he'd be laughing his own head off,
he morosely admitted to himself, but as it was his own shiny,
cinnamon-hued and quite exposed bottom hanging out from beneath the
remains of the collapsed gazebo, the inherent humor was nowhere to be
found.
He'd always grown up hearing stories about 'Unca Trent' - the jerkwad,
lazy, empty-headed uncle who he'd been named after - and how he'd
always been such a world-class screw-up that he couldn't pee straight
out of his own wang or manage an open 'D' tuning when he had that
band. (Actually, his dad had given him that name as an attempt to
bring his mom and uncle back together. Didn't work.)
No, no, no - Unca Trent's a little different, but he's cool as hell,
and he'll come through when the chips are down - I know he will!
Mom and Dad always gave him that look when he said things like that, as
though he were just too damn young to understand. Mom would just start
polishing idly at her FBI badge and fingering her SigSauer .40 while
Dad would take him into the kitchen & break out a quart of 'Bro
& QB' ice cream. He always hated it when Dad would hold up a quart
of the flavor he'd named 'Perfect Lawndale' - vanilla - and Mom would
laugh hysterically, calming down enough from wishing death threats on
her brother to get in on the discussion on why Trent Lane was no longer
worth the ink it took to write his name down on paper...
Okay, Mom, I understand that Unca Trent gave that tabloid an interview
about that friend of yours from high school after she started writing
novels so he could get some cash, and she had that horrible accident
when she left from yelling at him, but Mom - that was over twenty years
ago! I know from when you talk about her - when you can talk about her
- that she was special and all that, but it's time to let this Daria
person go, okay?
Ethan would never say anything like that aloud, though. The last time
he talked about how much he liked Unca Trent, Mom hadn't spoken to him
for two months.
Ethan winced with pain as someone lifted another section of the roof
away. Oh, the kids at LHS are going to have a field day with this one,
he thought sourly. Sandra and Quinn Sloane, the reigning teen queens of
Lawndale, would have no end - let me rephrase that, he grimaced - would
get miles of mirth from this. Those two red-headed evil clones will
never let this go.
I might as well just accept the fact that Blazin' Ol' Battleax Barth's
going to fail me in science as soon as she hears about this... and poor
Stacy - the battleax's hated her from day one. I wonder if you can get
lower than an 'F'...
Thanks again for the advice: Unca Trent. 'I remember when I had the
guys rebuild it, a few years before you were born... If you're going to
have a special moment with Little Stacy, take her out back. It's a
beautiful night.'
A peal of laughter caused him to wince, and he felt Little Stacy
stiffen beneath him as he looked up and saw identical scarlet manes
drifting forward through the milling crowd...
That's life in Lawndale, he sighed. Even when the sky is falling, it
still doesn't do the damn job right.
Oh, and thank you, again - Uncle Trent. The next time I see you, we're
going to have a talk...