A Piece Of Daria Fanfiction By
Legalities: As usual, Daria and her pals are owned by MTV/Viacom and not me. This was written entirely for fun and zero profit has been made. Animal Planet, and any shows from that network are property of Discovery Communications, Inc. And again, I'm not using and of their shows or characters for a profit. Thanks.
Synopsis: A little blurb written for the newest "Scenes No Daria Fic Should Have" contest at PPMB. Daria and Jane make a grab for some "easy" extra credit. But, in the end, they get a little more than they bargained for. A Daria/Crocodile Hunter crossover.
"I cannot believe you talked me into this, Jane." Daria Morgendorffer stood with her arms crossed, glaring at her best friend bitterly.
"Oh come on, Daria," Jane Lane replied, grinning. "We're both getting extra credit in science for this, and we'll most likely be on TV too.
"Animal Planet, Jane. It's not like we're doing a walk-in role on CSI: Elevator Operators Division or Survivor: Bosnia or whatever the hell is the flavor of the month. This is Animal Planet. Grade Z nature shows, documentaries about dinosaurs and parrots that wear roller skates."
Jane looked at her, an eyebrow cocked. Daria rolled her eyes.
"I had a hundred and three degree fever. I was lying on the couch, too sick to move, let alone change the channel. The one thing I remember vividly is Slater from Saved By The Bell hosting this pet tricks show where a parrot rode on roller skates. I would have thought it was just another hallucination, but Dad thought it was hilarious."
"It's the truth....I-"
The conversation broke off as a neatly dressed woman with blonde hair approached them, holding a clipboard.
"Miss Morgendorffer. I'm Ms. Sinclair, a legal representative for Animal Planet. Before we can film the show on your property, we need you to sign a couple of forms."
Daria opened her mouth, presumably to tell Ms. Sinclair that her parents owned the house legally and were at a marriage seminar in Dallas for the weekend...but Jane nudged her.
"Oh what the hell," she muttered, taking the clipboard from the lady and scribbling her name on it.
"Very good," Ms. Sinclair said, "and you both have to sign this one." She pointed to a form beneath it that was printed on canary yellow paper. It reminded Daria of a speeding ticket.
"What's this?" Jane asked.
"Oh this?" Ms Sinclair asked with a nervous chuckle. "This just says that, um, on the off chance that something happens to one or both of you, you won't hold the station liable. It’s just a technicality, really."
Daria's eyes widened, but Jane chuckled airily. "Sure thing. A wise man once said, 'A day you don't cheat death is a day you didn't really live'." She signed the paper and handed it to Daria, who, after staring at the form for nearly half a minute, signed it with the grim resolve of a man going to the gallows.
"Thanks, ladies." Quick as a hiccup, Sinclair vanished.
Daria sighed. "There but for the grace of God," she muttered.
Jane slapped her lightly on the shoulder. "It'll be okay."
A man with a video camera walked up. "Miss Morgenstern?" he asked tentatively, "we're ready to start."
"Oh, ducky," Daria grumbled, "we're off to a real good start."
"We're ready," Jane told the man. She turned to Daria. "Just keep telling yourself amiga, that this for an easy extra credit grade in Science. Besides what could possibly go wrong?"
"I already get an A in-" Daria began, but the cameraman drew a line across his throat and began to count backwards from three.
At "one", a bright light came on atop the camera and the front door of the Morgendorffer home flew open, revealing a man in his late thirties to early forties. He had sandy blonde hair and was dressed entirely in khaki. When he spoke, his voice had a defined Australian accent.
"G'day!" he said cheerily. "I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, and we are here in the cheerful little 'burb of Lawndale, Texas. As you at home no doubt know, this is day four of our jaunt across the Southern United States in search of," he paused dramatically before grinning cheekily into the camera, "America's most venomous snakes!"
"Now," he said, turning to Daria and Jane. "I'd like to introduce you to Miss Daria Morgendorffer, who is allowing us to use her backyard to search for one of America's most deadly snakes, the Texas Coral Snake!"
"Meep," said Jane. Her eyes were as big as billiard balls and her face was slowly taking on the color of cream cheese.
"Brilliant deduction, Watson," Daria muttered out of the side of her mouth as the Crocodile Hunter babbled on, oblivious, to the TV camera. "'What could go wrong?' I believe you said."
"Ah hell," Jane muttered, dejected.
"Yeah," said Daria.
Author’s Note: I wrote this for the “Scenes No Daria Fic Should Have: Redux” thread at the Paperpusher’s Message Board (PPMB), after a bit of mad inspiration. Despite Daria’s annoyance at Animal Planet and all the shows contained upon…I personally am a fan of the channel. I watch “Crocodile Hunter,” (obviously) “Pet Star” (the show that Daria refers to as being hosted by Slater from “Saved By The Bell”), “Animal Face-Off," and "Animal Icons" semi-religiously. Also, if nothing else is on, I usually will drift over to Animal Planet and see what’s on. So, in other words. I love Animal Planet. It’s Daria Morgendorffer, a fictional character, by the way, who is indifferent. Also, while I’m here, I’d like to thank Thea Zara, for teaching me about HTML code and The Angst Guy, without whose praise this fic might have languished forever in “Scenes No Daria Fic Should Have” Hell. Thanks, guys.