"No Nudes Is Good Nudes -- The MiST"

Original text by Peter W. Guerin

MiSTing by Canadibrit

 

 

(Scene: a plain room. Wide-screen TV, plain white walls, three-seater blue sofa, black coffee table bearing a video cassette, a six-pack of cola and a bowl of popcorn. Enter Daria and Jane. Door shuts and locks audibly behind them.)

 

JANE: Is it a bad sign that they have to lock us in here for this?

DARIA: We really should pre-screen these things before letting the ficters foist them on an unsuspecting public.

JANE: So what have we got today? Suicidal Daria? Suicidal Jane?

DARIA: (looking at the tape) Both.

JANE: Oh. God. What?

DARIA: It's Guerin.

(Jane looks at Daria for a moment, then runs for the door, hammering on it.)

JANE: Lemme out! Lemme out!

(Daria, more level-headed about it, pops in the tape and hits play. She settles on the sofa. Jane, similarly resigned to her fate, sits down beside her.)

 

NO NUDES IS GOOD NUDES

 

JANE: No fic is good fic.

DARIA: No, some fic -*is*- good fic.

JANE: Okay, no -*Guerin*- fic is good fic.

DARIA: I'll give you that one.

 

A Daria Fan Fiction Story by Peter W. Guerin

 

 

ACT I--97, UCONN--94 (March Madness is upon us again!)

 

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("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play.)

 

JANE: Do you ever get sick of this song?

DARIA: I've gone beyond "sick".

 

(We see Daria at a movie theater; she's not laughing when the rest of the crowd is.)

 

DARIA: I was well within my rights. I went to see "The 'Burbs".

 

(At gym class, we see Daria let the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her.)

 

JANE: You'd think they'd understand, though. I mean, if you'd hit that thing, you run the risk of breaking a nail.

 

(In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria takes out a whistle and blows on it, causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker.)

 

DARIA: And only just managed to defuse the bomb concealed inside before it detonated.

 

(At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past her again, causing more hostile looks from Stacy and Tiffany.)

 

JANE: Don't they know that if the wind changes, their faces'll stick that way?

 

(At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to see Jake, Quinn and Helen crying, while Daria calmly picks up a newspaper with the headline "MAYOR INDICTED" on the front page.)

 

DARIA: But it -*was*- relevant. The bride was walking down the aisle alone because that mayor was her father.

 

(Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide as they try to get the volleyball. They fall unconscious to the floor as the volleyball goes past Daria again.)

 

JANE: You should've been ashamed of yourself!

DARIA: For causing the blow to the head that robbed them of what few brain cells they had left?

JANE: No, for not warning me so I could bring my camera.

 

(Close-up of Daria smiling, then her face zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, below which is the caption "in: No Nudes is Good Nudes".)

 

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Scene 1: The Lane Residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale. Jane's Room. About 6:00 PM Friday.

 

 

(Jane Lane is staring at a blank canvas. She's suffering from a creative block. She picks up one of her brushes, then slams it down in disgust.)

 

JANE: Well? I thought I'd make my feelings about the script known -*before*- I had to spew those lines.

 

 Jane: Dammit! I just can't seem to get the old creative juices flowing today! And Trent's birthday's going to be ten days from now! What am I going to do?

 

DARIA: See a psychiatric professional about this nasty habit of talking to yourself?

 

(Suddenly, the phone rings. Jane answers it. Split screen showing Daria Morgendorffer at the left and Jane at the right.)

 

Jane: Yo!

 

Daria: Jane, it's Daria. What's up?

 

JANE: (glancing upwards) A ceiling covered in paint stains ... and I was wondering what I did with that X-Acto knife...

 

Jane: Well, I seem to be suffering from some mental block. I want to do a painting to give to Trent for his birthday and I'm stuck.

 

Daria: That's a rare day where you're suffering from a creative rut. Anything I can do to help?

 

Jane: Maybe call in a truckload of Prozac?

 

DARIA: Sure -- you may be too synthetically cheerful to paint from the heart, but at least whatever you do will look good to you.

 

Daria: You do sound desperate. Anyway, don't forget I'm going to be over on Sunday for our weekly "Bad Movie Night". I did tape "Demon City Shinjuku", and I do intend to watch it. (1)

 

Jane: What's that supposed to be about again?

 

DARIA: Oh, it's about the author showing off his vast knowledge of really horrible films and Daria trivia. But don't let on you know; we've already poked enough holes in the fourth wall to turn it into mosquito netting.

 

Daria: It's kind of like "Nightmare on Elm Street" meets "Wall Street". This evil wizard takes over Tokyo's financial district and this guy and his girlfriend's supposed to stop him from taking over the rest of the world.

 

Jane: Sounds like the type of film they should give the old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" treatment!

 

JANE: Like we're doing to this fic right now.

DARIA: Don't put this in the same category with "Demon City Shinjuku". That'd be an insult.

JANE: Yeah, but Guerin deserves it!

DARIA: Yeah, but "Demon City" doesn't.

 

Daria: Sorry, "MST3K" doesn't do anime.

 

JANE: Because God knows that anime more lends itself to the Rocky Horror Picture Show treatment.

 

Jane: Aw, man! I would have loved those guys giving their critiques on "Project A-ko" and "Akira"!

 

Daria: Anyway, see you on Sunday?

 

Jane: Sure. Just remember to bring the No-Doz in case we begin to fall asleep.

 

JANE: No, of -*course*- the copious amounts of caffeine in the cola won't be enough if we have to read lines like this all night!

 

Daria: Gotcha. Got to run; Quinn's expecting one of the three J's to call her.

 

DARIA: And while normally I'd stay on the phone all night just to annoy her, Quinn's decided to try phone sex and the blackmail tapes are mounting up. The hush-money I get from her will finally put me over the top on the Montana Cabin Fund.

 

Jane: Bye. (She hangs up. She lets out a sigh of despair.) What am I going to do? I've just got to paint something real nice for Trent for his birthday!

 

JANE: Painter's block -- the feeling so nice I had to whine about it twice!

 

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Scene 2: Food Court, Cranberry Commons, Lawndale, about 11:30 AM.

 

Background music: the opening piano section from "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim.

 

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(We see the members of the Fashion Club sitting at a table. Salads and diet sodas are all around the table.)

 

Quinn: So, does everybody have a date for tonight? I'm going to go out with Jeffy.

 

Sandi: Oh, are you, Quinn? I've got a date with Skyler Feldman. (2)

 

JANE: Oh, is someone going to write an alternative "Sins of the Past"?

DARIA: No; that would be a sin of the -*present*-.

 

(Quinn scowls at that.)

 

Stacy: I don't have anyone to go out with, I'm afraid.

 

DARIA: Not as afraid as we are. You might sob your problems onto our trapped shoulders again.

 

Tiffany: I don't have anyone myself.

 

JANE: Why do you think that is?

DARIA: She's an ethnic minority with no corresponding male of her race, and she's as dumb as a sack of hammers.

 

Sandi: Well, at least Quinn's weirdo sister Daria (3) has someone, that Trent freak. God, I think I saw them having sex at the Seven Corners some time back. (4)

 

JANE: (bad Stacy impression) But Sandi, isn't knowing the name of the freak leader of a freak band who's also a freak's brother -*really*- uncool?

 

(Quinn's getting uncomfortable about this; after all, she may not be crazy about Daria, but still she shouldn't be referring to her as a whore.)

 

Quinn: Uh, Sandi, let's change the subject.

 

Stacy: (Thinking to herself.) Why is Sandi doing this?

 

JANE: Uh ... because she's a bitch?

DARIA: She's not bad. She's just written that way.

 

Stacy: I owed it to Daria to be there for her when she needed help. After all, she and her friend Jane Lane were the only ones who were willing to listen to me when I got dumped and cried my eyes out at the Ferris wheel at the medieval fair. (5)

 

JANE: I don't remember us being willing. Were we willing?

DARIA: Only if you take "willing" to mean not desperate enough to jump to our deaths to avoid it.

 

Stacy: I've got to get to know Daria better; she doesn't seem to be the evil person Sandi's painting her to be. (6)

 

JANE: Isn't all that thinking going to give her wrinkles?

DARIA: Will it matter when her getting to know a "brain" loses her all that precious popularity?

 

Quinn: Anyway, guys, I think I'm about to take the plunge!

 

DARIA: Preferably off a fifty-foot cliff.

 

Tiffany: What do you mean, Quinn?

 

Quinn: I'm thinking seriously about losing my virginity.

 

JANE: So isn't it the -*guy*- who's going to take the plunge?

 

Sandi: Well, duh! What took you so long?

 

Quinn: And what do you mean by that remark, Sandi?

 

JANE: It means she's made the Beast with Two Backs with every guy who's ever asked just to make sure they're willing to date her, what else?

 

Sandi: Oh, nothing.

 

Quinn: (Scowling.) Well, for your information, I just might do it with one of the Three J's. You know, they look pretty harmless enough.

 

DARIA: Guess she's never seen them play football. Joey holds the record for most tackles per game, Jeffy hamstrings the opposing team every chance he gets and Jamie once head-butted the ref.

 

Sandi: You mean, they won't fight back if you assert yourself, that is.

 

Quinn: And what do you mean by that?

 

JANE: She means they're so far under your thumb that they're wedged under your apricot-coloured nail.

 

Stacy: Uh, guys, could you excuse me? I've got to go to the ladies' room. (She gets up and goes.)

 

DARIA: Good idea. Escape while you can.

 

Tiffany: What is with her these days? Stacy's been making a lot of trips to the bathroom.

 

Sandi: Well, maybe she's got a case of the Hershey squirts, if you know what I mean.

 

DARIA: Why should they? The last few lines show that -*you*- don't even know what you mean.

 

 Quinn: (Shocked at Sandi's vulgarity.) Sandi, how can you say that about Stacy?

 

 Sandi: Well, Daria would say that if she was here, wouldn't she?

 

DARIA: Only because the scientific term for it brings back more bad memories than I care to subject myself to.

 

Quinn: What is it about you being so obsessive with Daria all of a sudden?

 

JANE: Maybe because that's her name up there on the splash screen.

 

Quinn: So, she's my sister, but does that really mean anything?

 

DARIA: That you're first in line if I ever need a replacement kidney.

 

Quinn: Sure, she reads a lot and is cynical, but everyone's got to have a specialty in something; mine's about fashion, guys and my friends. Just let it go, Sandi. Daria's really nobody. (7)

 

Sandi: Listen, Quinn, Daria is a nerd, a bitch and a creep. If she tries to show me up again like she did at the debate tournament, I swear I'll kill her! (8)

 

DARIA: Well, of course that's -*after*- she finds the perfect outfit for homicide.

 

(Quinn gets this wan look on her face. Does Sandi really mean what she just said to her?)

 

JANE: Does she ever?

 

Tiffany: Like, what is Stacy doing anyway?

 

(Quick cut to the ladies' room. We see Stacy kneeling at a toilet, then we hear her retch. Close-up of an empty bottle of syrup of ipecac. [9])

 

JANE: The plot thickens.

DARIA: Until it's as thick as that syrup, or until it's as thick as Peter?

JANE: If it gets -*that*- thick, we'll all suffocate.

 

Sandi: So, Quinn, when do you think you and Jeffy will go the horizontal mambo?

 

Quinn: I hope to ask the big question at Chez Pierre tonight.  Wish me luck.

 

JANE: Break a neck!

DARIA: That's "break a -*leg*-".

JANE: I can dream.

 

Tiffany: Quinn, I really envy you.

 

(Stacy comes back.)

 

Stacy: Did I miss much?

 

Quinn: Oh, no, Stacy.

 

JANE:  Just the foreshadowing for the next few Guerin fics. No big.

 

Quinn: C'mon, guys, let's hit the stores again!

 

DARIA: Why? What did they ever do to you?

 

 (They all get up to go.)

 

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Scene 3: The Lanes' living room. About 2:00 PM the same day. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Fell on Black Days" by Soundgarden.

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(We see Trent reclining on the couch. He seems to be watching something on TV.)

 

JANE: He only -*seems*- to be watching something on TV, though. He's -*actually*- sending a telepathic message back to his home planet, asking them to beam him back up before he has to -*act*- in this thing.

 

(Jane comes down the stairs; she looks pretty exasperated. She still doesn't have any good ideas on what to paint Trent for his birthday. She pauses.)

 

Jane: Yo, Trent!

 

Trent: What's up, Janey?

 

JANE: Trent, read the stage directions. Then I won't have to repeat it a third time.

 

Jane: Oh, just suffering from some creative block. (She now notices what Trent's watching: A videotape of "Titanic". It's the famous scene where Jack is painting Rose in the nude. Close-up of the scene, but so arranged so that we only see Rose's face, but not her breasts.) Trent, when did you like "Titanic"?

 

DARIA: When he heard that it featured Kate Winslet's breasts.

 

Trent: Oh, I just like the final third of it, where the ship hits the iceberg and it goes down. It's cool seeing all those people drown. It kind of gets me inspired.

 

DARIA: (bad Trent impression) When I start to drown / My face starts to frown... I gotta get a pen.

 

(Jane looks at the scene. Somehow, an idea strikes her. Misty dissolve to what she's thinking: We see Daria nude, striking a pose similar to what Mariel Hemmingway did on that episode of "Civil Wars" where she was being painted in the nude.)

 

JANE: Subtle. Right.

DARIA: I begin to sense a running theme here.

 

(Her arms are covering her breasts and her crotch. A gentle breeze blows her hair ever so slightly. We see a background similar to what is often seen in scenes of romantic fantasy in anime: Sakura or cherry blossom petals floating down from the sky against a pink background.)

 

DARIA: How long did he manage to go without making an anime reference?

JANE: One whole scene.

 

(Daria seems to be portraying romantic innocence in this pose.)

 

DARIA: -*Innocence*-? I'm skyclad, and he says there's -*innocence*- involved?

JANE: "Skyclad"?

DARIA: You'd prefer me to use the more uncouth terms?

JANE: Nude! Naked! In the buff! ... Y'know, "skyclad" -*does*- sound better.

 

(Close up of Daria, who says "I want you, Trent." Fast cut to Trent, who says "You are so beautiful, Daria." They move closer to kiss.)

 

DARIA & JANE: (gagging noises)

 

(Fast cut back to Jane, who now has that evil smirk on her face.)

 

Jane: Eureka!

 

DARIA: And so does this fic.

 

Trent: I took a shower this morning after I woke up, Janey; I swear I did.

 

DARIA: Methinks the slacker doth protest too much.

 

Jane: No, I didn't mean that, Trent! I mean I got an idea! (She hurries out the door.)

 

Trent: Whatever. (He takes the remote, ejects the first tape, puts in the second, and fast forwards it to the scene where the look-out screams "ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!" Trent chuckles a bit.)

 

DARIA: If I recall correctly, the line was "-*Dead*- ahead".

JANE: We wish.

 

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Scene 4: Morgendorffer Residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale. Daria's room. About 2:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Celebrity Skin" by Hole.

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(Daria is sitting on her bed. Jane is standing not too far away from her. Daria has a scowl on her face.)

 

Daria: For the last time, Jane, no! I am not going to pose nude for you so you can do a painting to give to Trent for his birthday!

 

JANE: Oh, was -*that*- what I wanted to do it for? I thought I was just doing it to torment you again.

 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, it'll be fun!

 

DARIA: Standing still until all my muscles cramp up. Totally naked so I'm bound to freeze. Exposing myself to my best female friend. Oh, yeah -- it's a day at Disneyland.

 

Jane: It'll be the only time I'll ever ask you to pose nude for me! I swear!

 

JANE: I mean, hell, when I get the first painting done, I can use it for reference for any -*other*- nudes I want to do of you!

 

Daria: Remember after I got my belly button pierced that I said that I was doing a dumb thing to please a guy? (10)

 

JANE: You expected me to remember the birthday present Trent got me last year? What do you think I -*am*-?

 

Daria: I promised myself that I would never do anything like that again, even if it's for Trent.

 

Jane: You know, I could always ask someone else to pose for me.

 

(Speaking of which, Quinn passes by; she's just stepped out of the bathroom. Her hair's wet because...)

 

DARIA: ...she leads a double life as Quinna, queen of the merpeople.

 

(...she just took a shower. )

 

DARIA: Damn.

JANE: Don't worry about it. Since she's not a merperson, it means that drowning her's still an option.

 

(She's wearing a pink towel. She passes by Daria's room; the door's open.)

 

Quinn: Hey, you guys, what are you two arguing about?

 

JANE: (bad Quinn impression) It's not like I -*care*-, or anything, but I have to ask because I figure if I ask, you'll just say "nothing" and shut up so I can hear myself not-think.

 

Jane: Quinn, how would you like it if I did a nude painting of you?

 

Quinn: (Getting a bit apprehensive.) Well, I didn't exactly like those two pictures of me you did where I was getting guillotined in one and I was shot in the head in another. (11)

 

JANE: What's the problem? I didn't mess up any part of her she'd miss.

DARIA: Sure she would. Her head's what that accent piece of a face rests on.

 

Jane: C'mon, it'll be fun. Let's see what you've got.

 

Quinn: OK, but I hope I've got a good figure for this. (Pauses as she undoes the towel. Quick cut to her feet, as we see the towel drop. Close-up of Quinn's head and shoulders.) Well, what do you think?

 

JANE: Ooh. Is that cellulite?

DARIA: Tell her that it's cellulite anyway. That'll earn me a whole week of double dessert.

 

Jane: I think Trent will love it!

 

Quinn: (In panic mode now.) UGH! You're telling me you're doing this for Trent! EWWWWW! (She picks up the towel, wraps it up again, then flees to her room.)

 

DARIA: That worked better.

JANE: Hey, even in -*this*- lemon, I have the gift.

 

Daria: (Petrified that Trent would even like a painting of Quinn nude.) OK, OK, you've sold me on that. You haven't been taking lessons from Jodie, have you?

 

Jane: Nope; any skills in extortion that I have are mine alone. Besides, from what I saw you that day at the car wash fund raiser, you've got quite a figure. (12)

 

JANE: (a bit shocked) He's not seriously saying that I -*notice*-...

DARIA: If it makes you feel any better, you could say it's purely artistic interest.

 

Daria: Let's face it, Jane; I just don't have that great of a body. I'm short, I've got small breasts, (13) and I don't have much in the way of hips. (14)

 

JANE: And he's got -*you*- fishing for compliments.

DARIA: Shut up.

 

Jane: Hey, some guys like small-breasted women. I personally don't like people like Pamela Anderson who put tons of silicone into their boobs anyway.

 

JANE: He's -*doing*- it again!

 

Jane: Can I set you down for a 2 o'clock sitting tomorrow then?

 

Daria: OK, Jack, I'll be there.

 

Jane: Knew I could count on you, Rose. (Smirks and goes.)

 

Daria: (Gripping her fists.) Just count to ten and let all those impulses about killing her go down.

 

JANE: Just count to ten and let all that pizza you ate come up.

DARIA: Actually, I'm just trying to work out the logistics of gripping my own fists.

 

(Quinn appears again. She's now wearing a pink floor-length gown.)

 

Quinn: Is she gone?

 

JANE: No, unfortunately, I'm still right here watching this crap.

 

Daria: Yes, Mrs. Hugh Hefner is gone. Where are you going dressed like that?

 

JANE: Please say "my public execution"; please say "my public execution"...

 

Quinn: I've got a date with Jeffy at Chez Pierre tonight.

 

JANE: Damn!

 

Daria: And you're dressed up for the occasion now?

 

Quinn: Daria, it's best to be prepared for this way ahead of time. That way it makes the guy think you put in a lot of time preparing for your big night.

 

Daria: Maybe one of these days you should go out wearing my clothes like the time you did for the Fashion Club's "Fashion Don'ts Costume Party." (15)

 

JANE: But then what would -*you*- wear? That's the only outfit you've got -- I've seen your closet.

 

Quinn: And maybe you should go out to the Zen dressed like me like you did that time after I got that "A" on my English essay! (16)

 

DARIA: You -*had*- to ask.

 

Daria: (Sniffing the air.) Let me guess, more of that "Nothing Smells!" all-over teen body deodorant and moisturizing spray.

 

Quinn: Daria, will you give me a break about that! All you have in your medicine cabinet is your toothbrush! (17)

 

DARIA: Let the fanboying begin.

 

Daria: And I bet you're still using those tampons that were linked to toxic shock syndrome in laboratory animals.

 

JANE: And that's a bad thing to you -*why*-?

 

Quinn: Well, it beats those pantyliners you're using!

 

JANE: Walking away now with too much information.

DARIA: You can't. That door's still locked.

JANE: Damn.

 

Daria: Quinn, get out of here before I rip your throat out like a marauding wolf!

 

DARIA: Is that "like" as in "in the manner of", or "like" as in "as if Quinn were"?

JANE: The one time we actually need an endnote...

 

Quinn: FINE! Let's see if Trent finds you attractive because you smell. Emitting feminine order is so unfeminine! (She storms out in a huff.)

 

JANE: She obviously never heard of pheromones.

DARIA: Yes she has. She just thinks they were bottled by Coco Chanel.

 

Daria: I wonder if I can persuade the President to order a strategic air strike against Lake Success, New York? (18)

 

DARIA: On second thought, their resources would be better used in making that strike against Guerin's hometown.

 

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Scene 5: Chez Pierre, About 7:00 PM.

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(Quinn is seated across the table from Jeffy, who's wearing a tuxedo. They are enjoying their dinner. Quinn's having Medaillons de Boeuf Bernasie, while Jeffy's having Bouillabaisse. [19] Quinn takes a sip of soda and notices it's a bit flat; however, she doesn't want it to spoil the moment.)

 

Quinn: Jeffy, I'm really enjoying dinner tonight.

 

Jeffy: Uh, glad you like it, Quinn!

 

Quinn: (To a passing waiter.) Garcon, mon soda est flat. Envoyer il revenir. (20)

 

DARIA: Et.

JANE: She said "Garcon, mon..."

DARIA: No, "E-T".

JANE: Yeah, phone home and tell them to report a hostage situation to the local police.

DARIA: No, I mean ... never mind.

 

(Jeffy passes his hand under the table and embraces Quinn's hand. Quinn blushes ever so slightly. The waiter takes up the soda and departs.)

 

Jeffy: You know, Quinn, I really dig you, baby.

 

DARIA: I didn't realise John Travolta made a "how to date" tape.

 

Quinn: Gee, thanks! (Blushes even more.)

 

Jeffy: Uh, Quinn, is there something you wanted to ask me?

 

DARIA: Yes. Don't you mind acting as a wallet, chauffeur and potential sex toy for a self-absorbed airhead?

 

Quinn: Well--uh--er--um--

 

Jeffy: Take all the time you want, Quinn; it's all right.

 

Quinn: (Draws a deep breath.) Well, I, I, I, I, I, I--

 

JANE: Now we know what Alpha from the Power Rangers looks like under that android costume.

 

(Suddenly, she grips her stomach.)

 

Jeffy: Quinn, you don't look so good.

 

DARIA: Now that's an original pick-up line.

JANE: You smooth talker, you!

 

Quinn: Excuse me, Jeffy! (She runs to the ladies' room. We hear a loud retching noise come from there. She now exits in haste.) Uh, Jeffy, I've got to go now! I don't feel so good!

 

Jeffy: Uh, sure, Quinn. Garcon, le cheque!

 

(Quinn begins to cry silently, knowing she's blown it.)

 

JANE: But she didn't blow anything.

DARIA: With the possible exception of chunks.

 

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Scene 6: The Lane Residence, 2:00 PM Sunday. Jane's room. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Soft Serve" by Soul Coughing.

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(Jane is standing next to her easel. She's got some paint ready on her palette.)

 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, let's get the lead out here.

 

DARIA: No, -*you're*- doing the preliminary sketching. -*You're*- getting the lead out.

JANE: Right; sorry. -*You're*- getting your -*tits*- out...

DARIA: And now I'm going to get my -*gun*- out, and let's see how easy you find it getting lead out of your internal organs.

 

Daria: (Who went down the hall to the bathroom to take off her clothes and put on her magenta robe from the "Ill" episode; we can hear her voice down the hallway.) OK, but I'm warning you, if you even smirk at me just once, I'm ripping your lips off and shoving them down your throat!

 

JANE: Whoa; the moodiness! Is there something in the water bringing out the violent tendencies?

DARIA: I take it you got the preview of "Outbitched" too.

 

(Daria now steps inside Jane's room. She closes the door behind her. She stands a few feet away from Jane.)

 

Jane: Come on now, take it off, or I'll be forced to play "Night Train"! (21)

 

JANE: -*Off! Off! Off! Off!*-

DARIA: I'm never letting you watch "The Full Monty" ever again.

 

(Daria scowls as she undoes the belt on her robe. Shot of her back as she slips out of the robe and we see her bare back.)

 

Jane: Heeeey! Nice bod!

 

DARIA: And today, the role of Jane Lane will be played by Charles Ruttheimer III.

 

(Close-up of head and shoulders shot of Daria.)

 

Daria: Hey, you promised!

 

Jane: Chill out, already!

 

DARIA: Without my jacket, that's -*exactly*- what I'm doing.

 

(Daria now strikes that Mariel Hemmingway pose, her arms covering her breasts and crotch. Jane now begins painting in earnest.)

 

Daria: After you're done, I want to do a nude painting of you, Jane.

 

JANE: Kinky!

DARIA: Shut. Up.

 

Jane: Uh, uh, uh! You ain't doing me in the flesh!

 

(Daria scowls at that remark. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.)

 

Trent: (From the other side of the door.) Hey, Janey, could I borrow some artist's varnish from you? I ran out of varnish to polish my guitar neck!

 

JANE: (smirk) You walk in there, boy, and it's not your guitar neck you're going to want to be rubbing.

 

Daria: (In total panic mode.) Don't let him see me like this!

 

JANE: Why not? He's gonna see it in eight days anyway.

 

Jane: Relax. (She grabs the varnish.)

 

Trent: (From the other side of the door.) Is everything all right in there, Janey?

 

JANE: Look, monster trucks and naked Daria! Naked naked naked!

DARIA: I -*hate*- you.

 

Jane: (As she opens the door and gives Trent the varnish.) Yeah, everything's cool.

 

DARIA: Dos dedos, mi amiga.

 

Trent: Uh, what are you doing exactly?

 

JANE: Or perhaps the question is, "-*who*-"?

(Daria hits Jane.)

 

Jane: I'm doing something really special; it's kind of a surprise.

 

(Close-up of Daria sweating, still holding that pose.)

 

Daria: (To herself.) If I survive this, I swear I'll kill her!

 

Trent: Cool. Thanks. (He closes the door.)

 

Jane: OK, now where were we?

 

DARIA: On this sofa. Watching this fic. Considering hara-kiri.

 

Daria: I've got to take a break from posing like this; my arms are starting to hurt.

 

Jane: OK, take five.

 

DARIA: Thank you. And since you didn't specify units of time measurement, I choose millennia.

 

(Shot of Daria's back as she drops her arms. Head-and-shoulders shot of her now.)

 

Jane: Hey, is that the scar from where you got pierced? (22)

 

Daria: I don't want to talk about it.

 

Jane: And that's a very interesting birthmark on your right breast.

 

DARIA: Actually, that's a melanoma. Fatal. (to the look) A girl can dream.

 

Daria: Will you stop looking at me like that? It makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Jane: C'mon, Daria. Trent's seen you like this. You did sleep with him after we freed Lawndale from the militia group. (23)

 

JANE: Hey, you really -*are*- a slut in these fics!

DARIA: Shut -*up*-.

JANE: Hey, come on, amiga, it could be worse. Remember the Nemo Blank stuff?

(Daria shudders.)

 

Daria: I just feel uncomfortable about other people looking at me nude. I've been that way since Todd sexually assaulted me. (24)

 

JANE: How many people -*have*- seen you nude?

DARIA: I used to be a card-carrying member of the Naturist Society.

 

Jane: Daria, you look beautiful. You really do. You just don't realize that.

 

DARIA: Sure I do. You do enough "Daria gets a makeover" fics, you start to get the hint.

 

Jane: You're so used to looking at yourself wearing those glasses, jacket, shirt, skirt and boots all the time.  OK, OK, so I wear lipstick, but I only do that because I think of my own body as another canvas to express myself artistically. (25)

 

DARIA: One modern artist just slashes his canvases rather than putting colour on them. Will it be self-mutilation next?

 

Jane: But, you, however, don't need any make-up. You're perfect the way you are. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.

 

DARIA: Well, it'd take a hell of a lot of duct tape to stop them all.

 

Daria: (Now letting that faint Mona Lisa smile smirk from her face.) Thanks, Jane. You just made me feel better about myself.

 

JANE: (looking around) Just waiting for the rivers of blood, rains of fire and other signs of Armageddon.

 

Jane: OK, so let's finish this painting up, then, OK?

 

Daria: OK. (She resumes the Mariel Hemmingway pose.)

 

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Scene 7: Outside the Morgendorffer residence. About the same time. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "46 & 2" by Tool.

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(We see Sandi's yellow convertible drive up to the house.)

 

JANE: Way to go for the inconspicuous getaway car, kid.

 

(It stops. Sandi gets a rock she picked up from the side of the road from the dashboard, puts on some gloves,)

 

JANE: Isn't that whole leather biker look -*out*- this year?

DARIA: He never specified. Maybe he meant something more in the Audrey Hepburn line.

 

(and throws the rock right at Daria's window, smashing it.)

 

DARIA: Since when did Queen 'Physical Exertion Makes You Sweat' get -*aim*-?

 

(Sandi drives off at a high speed. Shot of the house as we hear Helen say, "Jake, what was that?" Jake says in response, "What was what?" Helen groans in exasperation.)

 

JANE: What other way is she going to groan about -*Jake*-?

DARIA: You -*really*- don't want to know.

JANE: ...That's kind of ... I mean, you don't actually get -*boinka*-...

DARIA: Do you -*really*- want to bring that flashback on me?

JANE: It's got to be better than the fic.

DARIA: ...Fair enough.

 

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Scene 8: Jane's room. About 6:30 PM.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Jane is now finished with the painting. It has a nude Daria against a pink background with sakura petals floating around her. Daria is wearing her normal clothes now.)

 

DARIA: There is nothing normal about my clothes. Not if you believe the Fashion Club, anyway.

 

Jane: Well, what do you think?

 

Daria: Jane, I have to say I'm impressed.

 

DARIA: With myself. For getting through a four and a half hour sitting without resorting to bloody murder.

 

Jane: Now all we have to do is to keep it hidden until Trent's birthday. He's going to love it!

 

Daria: Just as long as you don't do something stupid and put it on display first.

 

Jane: I promise you I won't do anything like that, Daria.

 

JANE: Unless of course anyone ever sees it. Or asks to see it. Or it's a good plot point.

 

Daria: (Thinking to herself.) But, then again, why do I have the feeling that something like that is going to happen?

 

DARIA: Cos I read the script beforehand.

 

(Suddenly, the phone rings. Jane answers it.)

 

Jane: Yo! (Pause.) It's for you, Daria; it's Helen.

 

(Daria picks up the phone. Split screen to show Helen on the left and Daria on the right.)

 

Daria: Hi, Mom.

 

Helen: Daria, I couldn't get through to you for hours!

 

JANE: If I hear it right, you haven't been able to get through to her for -*years*-!

 

Daria: Well, Jane's mother can't hear it when she's down in the basement doing her pottery; Trent usually sleeps through it, and Jane usually leaves it off the hook when she's doing her paintings.

 

JANE: If it was off the hook in the first place, isn't all the other stuff useless information?

DARIA: If we were let off the hook in the matter of sitting through this, would it matter?

 

 Helen: Daria, you'd better get back here. Someone threw a rock through your window.

 

(An expression of shock on Daria's face can be seen. That jeering, teasing version of "La, la, LA, la, la!" with appropriate jeering, teasing music can be heard as we see a widescreen shot of Daria striking her Mariel Hemmingway pose in slow motion and in a blue tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1

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ACT II--105, SYRACUSE--99 (The Orangemen better get their act together if they want to go to March Madness!)

 

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Scene 2: Daria's room. About 7:00 PM Sunday night.

 

(Daria surveys the broken window from the attack earlier. Jake, Helen and Quinn are with her.)

 

Helen: As I was telling you on the phone, Daria, I don't know who could have done this.

 

JANE: So why are you telling her again -*now*-?

DARIA: Because the author seems to have confused quantity with quality.

 

Daria: (Noticing the rock on the floor.) Do you think the police could analyze the fingerprints on the rock?

 

Helen: I've already thought of that, Daria. However, it looks like the person who did this was wearing gloves.

 

JANE: She can tell just by looking?

DARIA: Oh, didn't I tell you? She moonlights as a crime scene investigator.

JANE: Well, it's a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence in cases she's about to try.

 

Jake: Whoever did this was pretty sharp.

 

DARIA: Oh yeah. To outwit Jake Morgendorffer, you have to be as sharp as a sofa cushion.

 

Quinn: Are you happy now, Daria? People are getting physically violent against you and your geeky friends. All this wouldn't have happened if Mom didn't tell Sandi's Mom that we were sisters!

 

JANE: Technically, wouldn't that make it Helen's fault?

 

Daria: And what do you mean by that, Quinn?

 

Quinn: It's obvious, isn't it? Most people can't stand brainy people like you.

 

DARIA: Unless they need their homework doing.

 

Daria: I think Albert Einstein once said something to the effect that brilliant minds are often persecuted.

 

DARIA: Galileo. Aristotle. Klebold and Harris.

 

Helen: Maybe we're all making a lot of fuss about this than it's worth. However, I am going to contact some of our friends and find out who could have been responsible.

 

JANE: Friends?

DARIA: Mafia.

 

Jake: Anyway, how was your day over at Jane's, kiddo?

 

Daria: Fine. I helped Jane with a painting she's doing for Trent's birthday.

 

JANE: You didn't so much as help me clean my brushes!

 

Helen: Oh, that's nice of her, sweetie. Anyway, the glaziers are going to be here first thing after you've gone to school, so the window will be fixed by the time you get back. Of course, we'll have to have those God-awful bars removed first.

 

Daria: Well, you did promise to redecorate my room after we moved in here. (26)

 

DARIA: "Promise"? More like, "threaten".

 

Helen: I will Daria; I just have been so busy these days.

 

Daria: (To herself.) Like you've been most of my life.

 

Jake: Well, if no one minds, I'm gong to have a martini.

 

(Helen just rolls her eyes as Jake heads downstairs.)

 

Helen: (Motioning to a piece of cardboard and some duct tape on the floor.) In the meantime, you can put that piece of cardboard over the broken pane. I've got to finish up on some paperwork for the defective hand grenade case for the local National Guard unit. (She heads downstairs.)

 

Quinn: I could help, but I've got to try out some new scrunchies I got yesterday. Bye! (She departs.)

 

JANE: I thought we were watching "No Nudes is Good Nudes".

DARIA: We are. Why?

JANE: Then why'd it suddenly turn into "Hey, Hey, It's a Cliche!"?

 

(With a sigh, Daria picks up the cardboard and tape, and begins to bung up the broken pane.)

 

Daria: I always wind up having to clean up other people's messes around here, don't I? Just a few hours ago, I was posing nude for Jane's painting for Trent, and now I'm fixing my window up. That's the sad story of my life.

 

DARIA: No. The fact that I'm sitting here reliving this particular sad story of my life is the sad story of my life.

 

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Scene 2: The Lane's living room, 7:30 PM Monday. Background music: that Calypso-sounding drum break from "Body Moving" by the Beastie Boys.

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(Amanda Lane's "Women in Clay" support group is in full swing. Various women are busy shaping pottery on wheels. One of the women is easily recognized as Claire DeFoe, Jane's art teacher, who just joined the group. [27])

 

Amanda: OK, we're about to start on our latest project: making some nice vases to donate to the Senior Citizens' Center so they can put flowers in them and help cheer up the patients there. Shall we begin?

 

DeFoe: Excuse me, Amanda, but could I use your bathroom?

 

JANE: Why not just do it in the corner like the cats do?

 

Amanda: The one here is being used by Heather. (28) The one upstairs is available.

 

DeFoe: Thanks. (She heads up the stairs. As she heads for the bathroom, she notices Jane's bedroom. Jane is busy with another painting. DeFoe decides she'll stop by and see her after she uses the bathroom. A minute or two later, there's a knock on Jane's door.) Mind if I come in?

 

JANE: Unless you have a warrant, I mind.

 

Jane: (In surprise.) Oh, hi, Ms. DeFoe.

 

DeFoe: So, this is your room?

 

DARIA: No, it's a wormhole to another dimension, where all the male models are genetically engineered in the Cubist style.

 

Jane: Everyone gets shocked the first time they see this place. (She lifts up the sheets of her bed.) See, I use cinder blocks to hold up my bed.

 

DARIA: Talk about your need-to-know information.

 

DeFoe: (Noticing all the art around her.) This is amazing. (She looks at the painting of Quinn in a guillotine.) Say, isn't that Daria Morgendorffer's sister Quinn there?

 

Jane: (Blushing with embarrassment a bit.) Well, I was in a bit of a foul mood that day.

 

DARIA: Then shouldn't you have been painting chickens?

JANE: If you're trying the foul/fowl gag, it's still true. Turkeys are fowl, right?

 

DeFoe: (Now noticing some other art.) You know, Jane, you are a very talented artist. You should put some of this on display. You know, the County Museum of Modern Art (29) is going to be hosting a "Best of Teen Art" exhibit. It won't be a contest or anything like that. I know you're still mad about how Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill tried to censor your anti-bulimia poster. (30)

 

Jane: Yeah, and Brittany wound up winning.

 

DARIA: With recaps like this, who needs Noggin?

 

(DeFoe now notices Jane's nude painting of Daria.)

 

DeFoe: Oh, Jane, this painting is beautiful!

 

Jane: (Noticing what DeFoe's seeing.) Uh, that one I was gong to give to Trent for his birthday one week from today.

 

DeFoe: Isn't that Daria there?

 

JANE: Yep, that's her, in the flesh.

 

Jane: (Getting embarrassed.) Well, it was just a crazy idea of mine.

 

DARIA: No, -*I*- was the crazy one for agreeing to this.

JANE: The painting?

DARIA: I meant the fic, but that too.

 

DeFoe: Daria looks so innocent and beautiful in that picture. Who really knew that beneath her drab clothes and her glasses was someone so ravishing?

 

JANE: Well, her, me, my brother who she's slept with...

 

DeFoe: Jane, this is the picture I think should be displayed at COMMA.

 

Jane: Ms. DeFoe, this is going to be Trent's birthday gift.

 

DARIA: Because of course she didn't hear you the first time.

 

DeFoe: It'll only be for a month. You can give it to him after that.

 

DARIA: Unfortunately, his birthday's next week.

 

Jane: I promised Daria I wasn't going to put it on display. She was kind of embarrassed posing for this in the first place.

 

DeFoe: Please, Jane; don't do this for me or for the school, do it for yourself. I think this is the best painting you've ever done.

 

Jane: (She's taken hook, line and sinker by this.) You really think so?

 

JANE: He makes me look like a self-centred, brainless egomaniac who's just out for public recognition!

DARIA: So he finally wrote someone in character.

JANE: Hey!

 

DeFoe: Yes, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your teacher. I really mean it.

 

Jane: OK, but I don't know how Daria's going to take this.

 

DARIA: Because you know my taking it lying down is too much to hope for.

JANE: Better to do it on your feet than on your knees! So ... amiga ... are you going to take my -*brother*- lying... (Daria hits Jane) Ow!

 

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Scene 3: The hallway at Lawndale High School, 9:15 AM Tuesday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Crash into Me" by the Dave Matthews Band.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Open with a close-up shot of Daria extremely perturbed.)

 

Daria: You did WHAT?!?!?!?

 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, Ms. DeFoe said it was only going to be for a month.

 

Daria: Jane, I don't think I can be comfortable with the fact that everyone in the Tri-County Area can see me stark raving naked at the local art museum; I could be the target of protests.

 

DARIA: Not to mention sexual harassment, undue fame and death by humiliation.

 

Jane: Who would protest?

 

DARIA: Bible-bashers, the Republican party, and purists who see canon Daria posing nude for a painting for Trent as the ultimate sacrilege.

 

Daria: Sandi and the other members of the Fashion Club. There's also my parents to consider.

 

Jane: Do you really worry what Jake and Helen will think? Besides, when you're in art class, you have to do a nude painting eventually, right?

 

DARIA: So nice that you cover -*your*- ass and not mine.

JANE: I painted a -*nude*-. I was more worried about -*un*-covering your ass.

 

Daria: Then how come the art class here in school doesn't do that?

 

Jane: I did a nude once when I decided to enrol in an advanced art class three summers ago at the Tri-County BOCES. (31)

 

JANE: The ep-pedant ignored "The Invitation". Maybe he's experiencing withdrawal symptoms -- he hasn't used an anime ref in at least three scenes.

DARIA: No, check the endnote. It came down to a choice between episode fanboying or New York State fanboying.

JANE: A better writer would have done both. (to the look) Oh. Right. Guerin.

 

Daria: Was it a woman?

 

Jane: Yeah, a redhead. She had hooters the size of Wisconsin. (Daria frowns at that.)

 

DARIA: Yeah, I mean, -*hooters*-? Couldn't you have ad-libbed?

JANE: Maybe I got sick of the 'bursts' puns.

DARIA: Maybe you're still getting ten bucks an hour for these things.

JANE: Yeah ... well ... paint's not cheap, y'know.

 

Jane: Daria, I can't do any nude paintings here in school because Ms. Li would have a fit, but the BOCES is out of her control. It was actually fun doing that nude.

 

DARIA: -*Doing*- that nude?

JANE: Hey, come on! That lesbian stuff is strictly a fanfic myth!

DARIA: And what are we witnessing?

JANE: Damn you, Guerin.

 

Daria: You are a pervert, you know that?

 

Jane: (Smirking at that remark.) I've been sneaking at my mother's issues of "Playgirl" since I was 13.

 

Daria: That figures.

 

JANE: He couldn't have done better than -*that*- for a response?

DARIA: "Jane and Upchuck -- a match made in heaven".

JANE: Ugh!

DARIA: "And here's to you, Mrs Ruttheimer".

JANE: Okay, okay!

 

Jane: Daria, I promise you that if anything goes wrong, you can scratch my eyes out.

 

Daria: Don't tempt me.

 

Jane: Besides, it could have been Quinn being put on display at COMMA.

 

(Daria lets out a Mona Lisa smile over that.)

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 4: The LHS Cafeteria, about 10:30 AM.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(The Fashion Club is sitting at a table. Quinn's moaning.)

 

Quinn: Oh, I can't believe I blew it! I had the chance to ask Jeffy and I blew it!

 

Sandi: Oh, I bet you were afraid about blowing it in another way.

 

Quinn: Sandi, I won't go down on a guy! That's gross!

 

DARIA: Yeah; it messes up your lipstick. And spitting makes it worse.

JANE: And let's not talk about the caloric intake involved in the "swallow" option.

 

Sandi: Hey, it's easy.

 

Quinn: You're not saying that you...

 

Sandi: Yes, Quinn. You're just afraid of what would happen when the guy...

 

Quinn: Let's not get there, Sandi!

 

Tiffany: Yeah, let's not go there.

 

JANE: Too late, ladies -- we already did.

 

Stacy: You know, this is making me sick. I've got to go to the bathroom again. (She gets up and goes.)

 

Quinn: Anyway, I'm going to ask Jamie instead.

 

Sandi: Yeah, and this time, don't throw up!

 

Tiffany: I'm still concerned about all the trips Stacy's making to the bathroom.

 

JANE: I'm still concerned she -*noticed*- anything.

DARIA: And used a word like "concerned" in a sentence.

 

Sandi: You know, Stacy's been acting weird since she got on that Ferris wheel along with Daria and Jane at the medieval fair. Her continued membership in this organization is beginning to become questionable.

 

Quinn: Oh, come on, Sandi, Stacy's still the same old girl we know.

 

Tiffany: I don't know about that. She doesn't make these many trips to the bathroom usually.

 

Sandi: Anyway, Quinn, (grabbing a banana next to her.) let me show you some technique I picked up. (She peels the banana, closes her eyes, opens her mouth with a moan, then slowly inserts the banana into it. She slowly moves the banana in and out of her mouth, moaning all the time.)

 

DARIA: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Pete Guerin's libido.

JANE: Make it stop!

 

Quinn: Sandi, you're making me sick!

 

DARIA: For once, Quinn and I agree on something.

 

Sandi: (Stopping.) You know, Quinn, you're not going to get anywhere with guys unless you're willing to do anything for them. You're as stubborn as your sister Daria, you know that? (Grimacing.) Boy, do I hate her! I'd like to wrap my hands around her throat and strangle her until she turns twenty different shades of blue and purple!

 

JANE: Just so long as they're -*fashionable*- shades of blue and purple.

 

Quinn: (Getting really nervous about what Sandi's saying.) Uh, Sandi, we all can't stand Daria, but that doesn't mean we should kill her.

 

Tiffany: Yeah, Sandi, like, get a grip!

 

DARIA: If you paid attention at all, that's about what she's suggesting -- on my neck.

 

 (Stacy returns.)

 

 Stacy: Did I miss much?

 

 Quinn: Er, no.

 

DARIA: Just your chance to be subpoenaed as a witness in my murder trial.

 

Sandi: Quinn, if you want to get ahead in this world, you've got to be more assertive.

 

JANE: If she wants to get a-*head*-... Ugh. Y'think that was deliberate?

DARIA: I don't want to think about it if it -*was*-.

JANE: Good point.

 

Sandi: Otherwise, you're just going to be stuck right where you are.

 

DARIA: And of course, we all know how much you hate Quinn's inability to one-up you.

JANE: Who comes -*up*- with this stuff, anyway?

DARIA: Guerin.

JANE: That one word explains a multitude of sins, doesn't it?

 

Quinn: But I am trying my best, Sandi!

 

Stacy: Did you hear that COMMA's going to be exhibiting some teen art work starting tomorrow? Ms. DeFoe said that a piece done by Jane Lane's going to be the centerpiece of the exhibit. She's given these flyers (Showing one.) to all the parents about it.

 

JANE: You know what really disturbs me?

DARIA: The fact that, no matter how contrived, off-rhythm and stilted those lines are, they're actually in character?

JANE: ...Yeah.

 

Quinn: UGH! Not Jane! I can't stand her! She and her brother both! Her brother's always calling me (doing a rather lame-o impersonation of Trent.) "Daria's sister!" What does Daria see in Trent anyway? He's just a guitar-playing bum! He doesn't even know how to dress fashionably. What is wrong with that whole family, for God's sakes?

 

DARIA: I always assumed it was drug-related.

 

Tiffany: That, I'm afraid we'll never know, Quinn.

 

(The bell rings, signifying the end of the period.)

 

Stacy: Save you a place at the mirror, Quinn!

 

Sandi: (Muttering to herself.) To slip some lye into Daria's milk at lunch and see her gag! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

 

JANE: She knows the properties of lye?

DARIA: But she doesn't realise that she'd have the same reaction by tying me to a chair and making me sit through one of her blushathons.

 

(Quinn has this puzzled look on her face.)

 

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Scene 5: The County Museum of Modern Art, 7:00 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar and synthesizer riffs from "Under Your Skin" by Lucious Jackson.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(The museum is crowded. Almost everyone we know in the series is here for the opening of the exhibit. The Morgendorffers are way in the back, with Daria rearmost. The Lanes are up front. Standing next to Daria is Charles Ruttheimer III, a/k/a Upchuck. Also noticeable are the Griffins, the Taylors, the Thompsons, the Landons, and the various faculty members of Lawndale High we're all familiar with: Principal Angela Li; English teacher Timothy O'Neill; science teacher Janet Barch; social studies teacher Anthony DeMartino; psychologist Dr. Margaret Manson; school nurse Arlene Chase, who's a fat, dumpy lady in her 50's with long black hair and brown eyes; girls' gym teacher Samantha Morris, [32] football coach George Gibson [33], a fat man with balding brown hair and blue eyes; and Ms. DeFoe, who's up in front with a picture with a cloth covering it. We also happen to see the Fashion Club as well as Andrea the Goth girl and the three J's. Also present--oddly enough--are Trent's fellow band members in Mystik Spiral: rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, and his brother Danny, [34] a guy with blonde hair, blue eyes, and wearing a grungy Mystik Spiral T-shirt, blue jeans and earrings; bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer Max Tyler are here as well. Standing next to Ms. DeFoe is Arthur Riley, the director of COMMA; he has slicked-back hair, a thin mustache and is wearing a dark blue Armani suit. Mr. Riley is standing behind a podium.)

 

Jake: You know, it was real nice of Ms. DeFoe to invite us to this art exhibit, don't you think, kiddo?

 

JANE: Yeah; so -*nice*- of her to completely sabotage your life by showing them that you're -*not*- too dull to be worth grounding.

 

Daria: (In her usual monotone.) I'm thrilled.

 

(Fast cut to Trent and the other members of Mystik Spiral.)

 

Jesse: So, Trent, what's with you saying that your sister is headlining this exhibit?

 

Trent: All I know is that Janey's teacher was so impressed with a painting she done recently that she wanted to display it. That's all I know.

 

DARIA: About -*anything*-.

 

Danny: Trent, you know if Jane's going to have that drawing she promised me for the next issue of the fan club newsletter? (35)

 

Trent: I dunno; I'll have to ask her after the exhibit opens.

 

(Fast cut back to Daria; Upchuck now approaches her.)

 

Upchuck: Oh, Darrrriaaa!

 

Daria: God help me!

 

JANE: I thought you were an atheist.

DARIA: There are no atheists in the trenches.

 

Upchuck: You know, art has a way of bringing out romance. After this exhibit, would you mind spending some intimate time with me?

 

Daria: Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, I will cut your tongue out.

 

DARIA: I'll use the same knife I used to cut the subtlety lobe out of my brain.

 

(Upchuck gets the message and begins to go away.)

 

Upchuck: ROWR! Feisty! (He passes Trent and Jesse.)

 

Jesse: Hey, Trent, isn't that guy the one they call Upchuck that Daria's always talking about?

 

Trent: That guy needs a lot of help.

 

DARIA: As does this fic.

 

(Mr. Riley now taps the microphone to get everyone's attention.)

 

Riley: May I have your attention, please? (The crowd quiets down.) Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to COMMA, the County Museum of Modern Art. Today we at COMMA are very proud to open this exhibit dedicated to teen art. All of these pieces of art on display here were made by these teens on their own time.

 

Li: (To herself.) What a waste. If what Ms. DeFoe was telling me about Ms. Lane's painting is true, it should have been done in class in order to give honor to Lawndale High!

 

JANE: Funny -- that's not what she said about the -*last*- painting you helped me with in class.

DARIA: How quickly they forget.

 

O'Neill: (To himself.) I wonder what Jane's done that merits her painting being the centerpiece of the exhibit?

 

DeMartino: (To himself.) Why am I WASTING my TIME here when I should be getting DRUNK at the RathSKELler! (36)

 

DARIA: Why are -*any*- of them wasting their time here when they could be getting on with their sordid little lives?

JANE: Well, there has to be a whole crowd of familiar faces to see you in your natural glory!

DARIA: Right now, I'm not sure who I hate more -- you or Guerin.

 

Manson: (To herself.) This could give me an opportunity to see how Jane ticks; often one's art expresses what's in the painter's mind.

 

DARIA: That's assuming there's anything in the painter's mind to express.

JANE: HEY!

 

Morris: (To herself.) I hope she's a better artist than she is as an athlete!

 

JANE: Hey, I was the track -*star*-! What makes me a bad athlete?

DARIA: The fact that you don't have a team-player attitude and never try unless you want to impress some cute guy?

JANE: Ah; so you -*admit*- he was cute!

DARIA: I hate you.

 

Riley: To open this exhibit, I'm pleased to have Claire DeFoe, the art teacher at Lawndale High, unveil the centerpiece of the exhibit. It's a painting done by one of her students, Jane Lane, called "Naked Innocence".

 

JANE: -*Love*- the title.

DARIA: Subtle as a monkey lobbing clay against a wall.

JANE: (inspired look) Hmm...

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) I've created a monster.

 

Riley: Ms. DeFoe?

 

(DeFoe steps to the podium.)

 

Doug Thompson: (Out loud.) Maybe she did a nude painting of Brittany!

 

JANE: Yeah, right -- like I'd ever do anything artistic with -*her*- after what -*you*- went through.

DARIA: Posing's different. She'd be using her only assets. You know -- the ones she usually covers with a sports bra.

 

Charlene Thompson: (Smacking her husband upside the head.) Doug, knock it off! You want to put ideas in Kevin's head that he should be sleeping with that tramp?

 

JANE: Like he needs his father's help for -*that*-.

DARIA: And to think they're maligning one of the few concepts Kevin managed to pick up on his own.

 

Steve Taylor: That reminds me, I've got to donate that nude painting of you to the Getty Museum, Ashley-Amber.

 

(Ashley-Amber giggles.)

 

Andrew Landon: Man, I'm just glad they're not-for-profit; taking a risk like this is very risky taxwise.

 

JANE: A risky risk.

DARIA: Welcome to the Department of Redundancies Department.

 

Michele Landon: Andrew, the museum is operated by the county government.

 

Andrew: Man, this place is an even bigger waste of taxpayers' money than welfare cheats are! You'd think at least they'd have some Renaissance paintings here!

 

DARIA: A collection of Renaissance paintings, whose costs run into the millions, versus one painting by a youth artist who would have paid the museum for the exhibition space.

 

(Jodie, who's standing nearby, just closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead.)

 

Jodie: Dad!

 

Linda Griffin: This has got to be good! I smell controversy brewing!

 

DARIA: Really? I thought that was the coffee.

JANE: That was -*coffee*-? I thought someone had an accident with turpentine.

 

Linda Griffin: If only I was still a beat reporter!

 

JANE: Don't worry about it, sweetheart. Your daughter'll be doing beating enough for three of you a fic or two from now.

 

Tom Griffin: If this painting sells for a lot of money, Jane's going to need some investment advice and some tax help.

 

Sandi: Like, Dad, you wouldn't really be that freak's accountant now, would you?

 

Tom: Well, I did help her and her brother when the IRS was on their case. (37)

 

(Sam and Chris are seen fighting.)

 

Andrea: Why did I even bother showing up for this? So far, it's just a big bore!

 

JANE: Why -*did*- she bother showing up for this?

DARIA: It's in her revised contract. At least one speaking appearance in every fic written.

JANE: Bet she's sorry she made -*that*- deal.

 

DeFoe: Thank you, Mr. Riley. Before I unveil this piece of art, let me just say that when I first saw this in Jane's room, I was very surprised. When you see this painting, you'll agree that it's a very beautiful work of art.

 

JANE: No pressure, now.

 

DeFoe: Now, without further ado, I now unveil "Naked Innocence."

 

(DeFoe now steps up to the painting, and removes the cloth. Quick cuts to show expressions of shock, amusement and wonder on various faces.)

 

Helen: Wait a minute! That's Daria!

 

Jake: Where?

 

Helen: Jake, that's her in the painting, you dolt!

 

Jake: Where?

 

Quinn: Right in front of you, Dad!

 

JANE: Guess you know where you get your astigmatism, huh, Daria?

 

Trent: Cool!

 

Jesse: Man, out of sight!

 

DARIA: No. Unfortunately, that -*thing*- is in plain sight.

 

Andrea: All right, Daria!

 

Sandi: What!

 

Stacy and Tiffany: Huh?

 

Andrew: Ho-boy!

 

Steve: Impressive.

 

Doug: YOWZA YOWZA! (Charlene smacks him upside the head again.)

 

Upchuck: ROWR! The girl of my dreams stark raving nekkid!

 

DARIA: If I survive this, remind me to take a three-hour shower.

 

Linda: OOOOO, I'm going to roast Helen but good on this!

 

DARIA: I'll bring the spit. You bring the barbecue sauce.

 

Helen: Daria, I want a word with you right now!

 

DARIA: You've already had nine.

 

(Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand up to her forehead.)

 

Quinn: Well, my reputation's shot to Hell now! Everyone's going to be calling me "the sister of the weirdo who posed nude for that painting at COMMA!"

 

JANE: Didn't anyone ever tell her that there's no such thing as bad publicity?

 

Jake: My God, Daria! I didn't know you were that well-endowed!

 

Helen: Daria, how could you do that to us?

 

DARIA: I didn't do it to -*you*-.

JANE: Yeah, she did it -*for me*-.

DARIA: No. I did it -*to me*-.

 

Daria: I just did it as a favor for Jane. She was doing it so she could give it to Trent for his birthday.

 

Helen: Daria, giving a nude painting of yourself to a guy who's five years older than you and an adult is not a very appropriate birthday gift!

 

DARIA: Don't tell me. Tell Mapplethorpe over there.

 

Jake: Then again, she does look kind of cute.

 

DARIA: Someone call Child Services.

 

Helen: Jake, shut up!

 

Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, dear!

 

Helen: Daria, you've just embarrassed us! What do you have to say for yourself?

 

DARIA: Guess you did a great job at parenting, huh, Mom?

JANE: I have something! Artistic licence! First Amendment!

 

Li: (Approaching the Morgendorffers with O'Neill and Manson.) Ms. Morgendorffer, I have to say that I'm stunned,

 

DARIA: Remind me to send a note of thanks to whoever brought the tazer.

 

Li: but in a positive manner. This painting of Ms. Lane's really impressed me.

 

Daria: Remember that the next time you call us on the carpet.

 

O'Neill: Daria, I didn't know you were so captivating without your glasses.

 

DARIA: It's the hypnosis lessons I've been taking.

 

Manson: It's obvious you're suffering from an unstable mind.

 

DARIA: Much like the author.

 

Manson: Care to make an appointment for tomorrow to discuss this?

 

JANE: Sure. And then I'll stick red-hot pins in my eyes.

 

Li: Dr. Manson, this is not the act of an insane person; this is a work of art!

 

DARIA: Tomayto, tomahto...

 

Daria: I wonder what's got into her?

 

JANE: Dare I name it? Could it be ... lust?

DARIA: You are very, very sick.

 

Trent: (Approaching with the rest of Mystik Spiral.) Hey, Daria, nice painting.

 

(Daria blushes in embarrassment.)

 

Daria: Well, Trent, I--

 

JANE: Didn't -*paint*- it.

 

Helen: I don't know if you set your sister and my daughter up to this, but right now, I am very mad at you, you letch!

 

Trent: Hey, Mrs. M, it was Janey's idea.

 

JANE: On the other hand, he -*did*- help inspire it. Throw the book at him, Helen!

 

Amanda: (Approaching right behind.) And, besides, it's beautiful. You know, your daughter is very interesting, Helen.

 

JANE: Hey, -*there's*- one Lawndale After Dark hasn't tried yet...

 

Helen: Amanda, if I want your opinion or anyone else's opinions from your kooky family, I'll ask for it!

 

Linda: (Approaching Helen.) So, Helen, how does it feel to have a daughter who's a slut?

 

(Helen pops Linda one across the mouth. She grabs Daria by the wrist and hauls her away, Jake and Quinn following her.)

 

Tom: You know, Linda, you really know how to push her buttons.

 

JANE: Linda pushing Helen's buttons. Is this one of those "love/hate" relationships?

DARIA: And to think they're calling -*me*- a slut.

 

Linda: (Shrieking.) Who asked you, Tom!

 

Trent: Mom, I don't think Daria's parents like the fact she posed nude for the painting.

 

Amanda: And why do I have the feeling she's not the only one?

 

DARIA: I think the yelling, slapping and general commentary generated by its unveiling could have something to do with it.

 

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Scene 6: The living room of Brad Schlitz, president of the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association, about 11:00 PM. Background music: The opening guitar riffs and "Whoo-ooo-ooo-ooo!" from "Rooster" by Alice in Chains.

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(Schlitz, a man with scraggly black hair and in his mid-50's, is seen sitting on his couch, watching the KSBC 11 O'clock News. [38] The reporter is a blonde guy with gray eyes and wearing a gray business suit.)

 

Reporter: (On the TV.) We lead off tonight's news with a shocking development at the County Museum of Modern Art, or COMMA.

 

JANE: Due to a problem with the electrical system and the sprinklers, all two dozen of the visitors to the Teen Art Exhibit were electrocuted.

DARIA: There were no fatalities, but the victims of the accident have all suffered some brain damage and have been seen to be acting out of character.

JANE: (shrug) Well, it's as good an explanation for this fic as anything else.

 

Reporter: It seems the centerpiece of a "Teen Art Exhibit" is a nude painting of a sixteen year old girl made by a friend of hers that was going to be given to her brother for his birthday. Jane Lane, also 16, of 111 Howard Drive, said she made the nude painting of her friend Daria Morgendorffer originally to give to her brother, Trent, age 21, who's the lead singer and lead guitarist for the local rock band Mystik Spiral.

 

DARIA: Who writes this guy's autocues?

JANE: Aren't there laws about disclosing someone's address on air?

DARIA: How would you expect him to know -*that*-? That would require the effort of research and the possibility of being contaminated by the real world.

 

Reporter: Ms. Lane's art teacher at Lawndale High School, Claire DeFoe, was so impressed with the painting she decided to have it displayed at COMMA. However, when it was revealed what the subject was, there was an uproar where Daria's mother, noted lawyer Helen Morgendorffer, punched KSBC's own Vice President of Marketing Linda Griffin. Police had to be called in to break up the melee that followed, and the museum closed early.

 

Schlitz: They're not gonna use my tax money to display kiddie porn at the local museum!

 

JANE: Egocentric little fascist, isn't he?

DARIA: Oh, don't be fooled. Since his acting career puts him in a 50% tax bracket, he really -*is*- funding COMMA single-handed.

 

Schlitz: (He picks up the phone and dials.) Yeah, Ben? It's Brad. Time for us to organize another picket and file another lawsuit! I know we lost that last one due to that bitch Judge Feeder, but this time we're gonna have a case even she can't throw out! Meet me at COMMA tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock!

 

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 Scene 7: The hallway at Lawndale High, about 9:30 AM Thursday.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway. Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club approach from the opposite direction.)

 

Jane: Uh, oh! Prepare yourself for trouble, Daria!

 

JANE: He's going to have me telling you to gird your loins next.

DARIA: No, he had you telling me to -*un*-gird my loins, Jane. Not even -*he's*- that contrary.

 

Daria: I can handle those creeps, Jane.

 

Sandi: Hey, Daria, I didn't know you needed an electron microscope to see your tits!

 

DARIA: Hey, Sandi, I didn't know you were the kind of science geek that knows what an electron microscope is.

 

(Quinn is mortified at this; sure, Daria's no prize, but Sandi seems to be crossing over some lines that dare not be crossed.)

 

Tiffany: Are you still a virgin? With a body like that, you're not going to get laid.

 

DARIA: On the contrary. My lack of bustline means that lying down comes a lot easier to me than it would to you. It's a question of physics.

 

Stacy: Maybe she's beautiful in her own way.

 

Sandi: (Snarling under her breath.) Ixnay on the omments-cay, Stacy!

 

JANE: Ooh. They can speak a foreign language now!

 

(Stacy shuts up.)

 

Quinn: Uh, guys, let's change the subject.

 

(The Fashion Club depart.)

 

Jane: You got off lightly that time.

 

DARIA: As opposed to this time, where I'm paying back ten past lives worth of bad karma.

 

Daria: That won't be the end of that, I'm afraid.

 

Jane: So, what did your parents do to you after you got back?

 

Daria: I'm banned from your house for a week, and I can't have pizza with you after school for a week as well. Further, I can't go see Mystik Spiral this Saturday at the Zen, either.

 

JANE: How many words do you -*need*- for this, Peter? Just have her say "I'm -*grounded*-"!

 

Jane: Man, is that all? I thought for sure she'd stretch you out on the rack!

 

DARIA: No. If she did that, I'd contaminate Quinn's collection of cashmere sweaters.

 

Daria: Jane, I have very strong feelings for Trent, you know that. You know how weak in the knees I can get with him. There was the time we were broken down on the way to Alternapalooza, (39) and the time we were at Dega Street and I got that piercing through my belly button. (40)

 

Jane: Who would forget that?

 

DARIA: You did. I had to remind you three scenes ago.

JANE: Oh. Right.

 

Daria: Jane, I love Trent, OK? I guess part of me was pleased that I posed nude for that painting, though my better half wants to kick me in the ass right now.

 

JANE: Well, since you bared it so willingly to him...

 

Jane: Would you do it again?

 

Daria: Hell, no! And go through all this embarrassment again?

 

(Fast cut to Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club.)

 

Quinn: So, anyway, guys, I'm planning to ask Jamie to Chez Pierre tomorrow night. I'll ask him the big question that I meant to ask Jeffy.

 

Sandi: Quinn, this time, don't throw up!

 

JANE: Yeah. As of Act 1, that's Stacy's job.

 

Quinn: (Weak, embarrassed laugh from her.) Yeah, right.

 

Sandi: And, remember, if you're a real woman--

 

DARIA: Then what's with the Adam's apple?

 

Quinn: UGH! I won't do it, Sandi! You hear me? I will NOT give him a--

 

(Suddenly, DeFoe dashes past them, cutting off what Quinn was about to say.)

 

Tiffany: What is with her?

 

DARIA: Desperation to get away from this brain-numbing conversation?

 

Sandi: Who knows? She is so weird! No wonder Jane Lane likes her.

 

(Fast cut to DeFoe, who catches up with Daria and Jane.)

 

DeFoe: Daria, Jane, I need to talk to you!

 

Daria: Ran out of room at your studio apartment to house your ex-college suitemates and looking for us to take in the overflow? You've chosen the wrong people, sister. (41)

 

JANE: Why not? You did it for my family in 'Lane Mis'. Same basic deal.

DARIA: Those who refuse to learn the lessons of history...

 

DeFoe: It's worse than that! The Lawndale Taxpayers' Association is picketing COMMA over the painting Jane did of you!

 

DARIA: Oh, is -*that*- all? I thought we were going to have to deal with a bunch of artistic deadheads running amok in the house. Again.

JANE: HEY!

 

Daria: What the Hell?

 

Jane: Those right-wing bigots!

 

DeFoe: After school's over, I'm taking you there so you can see for yourselves. Meet me at the faculty parking lot at 3:15 PM!

 

(She dashes off again.)

 

Daria: Why do I have the feeling that if the Y2K Bug won't bring this country to its knees, it'll be idiotic groups like them?

 

JANE: What's the difference? Either way, bring on the anarchy!

 

Jane: Yeah, you're right. Computer glitches have nothing on militia groups and their common law courts. (42)

 

Daria: If you're masochistic, then maybe you're up to going there?

 

JANE: If I'm masochistic, then why am I not enjoying this torment more?

 

Jane: Aw, Hell, why not? At least it'll give you an excuse to Helen as to why you were with me after class.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Scene 8: COMMA, about 3:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Take the Power Back" by Rage Against the Machine.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Members of the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association are marching around COMMA, bearing placards which say among other things "NO KIDDIE PORN WITH OUR TAX $!"; "ABOLISH COMMA! GET RID OF THE PORN!"; and "YOUR TAX DOLLARS WASTED AGAIN!")

 

JANE: Now that's just wrong.

DARIA: I'll say. It's not a legitimate protest unless at least one of the placards contains a spelling error.

 

(One placard has a picture of Jane, an equal sign, and a picture of notorious photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. Another has a picture of Thomas Jefferson on it. [43] The crowd is chanting "HEY, HEY, HO, HO, THE PORN AT COMMA HAS GOT TO GO!"

 

DARIA: Two, four, six, eight / who makes us expectorate?

JANE: Schlitz. Schlitz. Goooooo screw yourself.

 

(Brad Schlitz is here, along  With Ben Gray, who's wearing a button that says "VOTE FOR BEN GRAY FOR LAWNDALE COUNTY COMMISSIONER." [44])

 

Gray: Vote for me at the county elections this year and I'll shut this smut factory down! "Carpe diem!" (45)

 

JANE: Hey, wouldn't you rather "carpe" the subject of my painting?

DARIA: I hate you.

 

(Schlitz is surrounded by reporters from all three TV stations Lawndale has, along with members of the press.)

 

Schlitz: This is just another example of the arrogance the county government here displays towards "We the People"! Remember, King George III of England and King Louis XVI of France were big patrons of the arts themselves--as well as being tyrannical. We will continue to picket until that smut is removed.

 

KSBC Reporter: Mr. Schlitz, perhaps maybe you're overreacting toward something that's totally innocent?

 

JANE: Oh, no; that -*never*- happens in cartoons.

 

Schlitz: Yeah, and Kunzite and Zoisite on Sailor Moon are actually closet heterosexuals!

 

DARIA: A middle-aged man who's against the baring of flesh in any art medium confesses to watching anime. All together now...

DARIA & JANE: (unison) DOUBLE STANDARD!

 

KSBC Reporter: There are some who say "If we censor this, we might as well cut off the penis off of Michaelangelo's statue of David."

 

DARIA: Great. You get the chisel, I'll start raising the bail money. If we start now, we might get enough cash to post bail before Alzheimer's kicks in.

 

Schlitz: You're a commie bastard, you know that? You and all you leftist media buddies! You're trying to funnel my tax money to New York City!

 

KSBC Reporter: We're nowhere near New York City!

 

Schlitz: It all winds up there one way or another.

 

DARIA: I didn't know the A-train tracks were paved with gold.

JANE: Oh sure. It's a very conductive metal, you know.

 

(We now see DeFoe's car pull up across the street. DeFoe, Daria and Jane step out.)

 

Daria: Oh, my God.

 

Jane: It's a whole mob out there!

 

DeFoe: Jane, I am so sorry about this! If I knew your painting was going to spark this much controversy, I wouldn't have bothered to ask you to put it on display.

 

DARIA: Yeah; you wouldn't have -*had*- to. If she'd have known, Jane'd have submitted it herself for the publicity alone.

 

Jane: Well, it's kind of late now for that, isn't it?

 

Daria: Let's handle these creeps.

 

(Daria, Jane and DeFoe now approach the demonstration. Schlitz notices.)

 

Schlitz: There's that slut and her friend now! Hey, you slut, are you and your friend lesbians? (46)

 

Daria: No, Jane and I are not lesbians.

 

DARIA: Whatever that Allison girl has to say on the matter.

JANE: Hey, was it -*my*- fault her gaydar was wired right into her libido? Or that I'm so desirable?

DARIA: Oh, please.

 

Daria: And I don't like being called a slut!

 

Schlitz: One of these days, we're gonna nail your ass to the wall!

 

DARIA: So you call me a slut to insult me, then you expect me to act like one. What kind of right-wing psychopath are you?

 

Daria: You and your Lawndale Militia buddies had two chances at that, and you blew both of them. (47)

 

Schlitz: Don't cross with me, young lady, or I'll sue your ass in court, and not even your smartass lawyer mother can get you out of it!

 

DARIA: So now you expect my ass to act as earning power to be sued, and yet you -*still*- insist on...

JANE: Daria, give it up now. None of this is going to make any sense any time soon.

 

(Daria clenches her fists at her sides. DeFoe notices.)

 

DeFoe: Daria, don't start a fight with them! We don't want to get this any more complicated than it already is.

 

JANE: Sure we do! After all, it makes for exciting fic!

 

Daria: Just one hit below the belt. That'll teach him.

 

DARIA: That he was right all along about my being a slut.

 

Jane: I hate to take Ms. DeFoe's side on this, but you know she's right.

 

DeFoe: We'd better leave while we can. Knowing them, they've filed a lawsuit against COMMA. Let the courts decide on this.

 

DARIA: Oh good. First I exposed myself to the entire town, then I expose myself to jurisprudence.

 

Daria: I had some bad experiences with judges in the past several months. (48)

 

DARIA: Not to mention lawyers. I sit across the table from one two meals a day, three on weekends.

 

DeFoe: If Judge Feeder hears their case, you can be sure she'll toss it out due to lack of standing on their part.

 

Jane: Who's Judge Feeder?

 

DARIA: A creation by the author to blow the right-wing away and act as a cathartic release for said author.

JANE: You take the fun out of everything.

 

DeFoe: Judge Kathy Feeder was appointed to the City Court by the governor after Judge Harlon Smith died from a heart attack last year. She used to be Oakwood Town Judge, and their militia movement's more powerful there.

 

JANE: Powerful enough to run her out of town, looks like. (to the look) Well, if she was doing so well against the Oakwood militia, what's she doing -*here*-?

 

DeFoe: She's got a reputation for taking no crap from those goons. She sent Oakwood Militia leader Reinhold Gornstein away for the maximum jail term of twenty years for forgery after he tried to use forged eviction papers issued by his common law court against an African-American family that had moved into an all-white neighborhood there.

 

DARIA: He actually -*explained*- something.

JANE: Thoroughly.

DARIA: With far too many words. Not the same thing.

 

Daria: There's got to be some kind of mistake here. Good people like her don't exist in Lawndale.

 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, Ms. DeFoe's proof that they are.

 

Daria: Yeah, she and about only seven other people like her.

 

Jane: Maybe Ms. DeFoe's right; let's see what happens.

 

Daria: Oh, Hell. (To Schlitz.) Don't think I'm turning tail on you, Schlitz! I'll be back!

 

JANE: And in this scene, the role of Daria Morgendorffer will be played by Arnold Schwartzenegger.

 

(Daria, Jane and DeFoe go back to DeFoe's car and drive off. slow pan to the left to an alleyway, where we see Stacy, who's been observing all this.)

 

Stacy: Man, Daria was so confident of herself and stood up to those guys. Why can't I be more like her? Why does Sandi hate her so much? (She grips her stomach.) Uh-oh! Time to hit the toilet again. (She rushes off to the nearest ladies' room.)

 

JANE: Wow. Those lines weren't -*that*- sickeningly contrived.

DARIA: Yes they were.

JANE: Good point. Carry on.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 9: Chez Pierre, 7:30 PM Friday.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Quinn's in formal wear again while Jamie's in a tux. Same meals as with her failed date with Jeffy.)

 

Jamie: Quinn, you look beautiful tonight.

 

Quinn: (Blushing.) Why, thanks, Jamie.

 

Jamie: Uh, Quinn, you look like you have something to say.

 

DARIA: You okay?

JANE: Trying to figure out whether he got that particular string of words from the Simpsons or Rocky Horror.

DARIA: Well, she didn't beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet, skilfully or otherwise...

 

Quinn: Well, I--I--I--

 

Jamie: Take your time, Quinn. It's OK.

 

Quinn: (To herself.) If I blow this again, Sandi and the others will make me into a laughing stock!

 

DARIA: If you blow this sorry excuse for a specimen of manhood, you'll be a laughingstock anyway.

JANE: Particularly if she sneezes at an inopportune moment.

 

Quinn: (To Jamie.) Jamie, I've had a wonderful night and all that. Could we top it off with a trip to Lover's Lane? (49)

 

Jamie: Sure. Anything else?

 

Quinn: Could we also stop at the E-Z-Mart on the way there? Uh, I've got to get a few things.

 

(Jamie kind of gets the hint. He takes his hand and squeezes Quinn's.)

 

Jamie: If you're feeling nervous about it, I can make you feel better by saying that it'll be my first time too.

 

JANE: What happened to "If you're feeling nervous about it, maybe we should wait until you're sure you're ready"?

DARIA: This is fanfic, Jane, not a NBC Weekend Special.

 

Quinn: Aw, how sweet! (She motions to a waiter.) Garcon, le cheque!

 

Jamie: No, I've got it, Quinn!

 

Quinn: Jamie, Mom let me borrow her platinum card today.

 

Jamie: Man, Quinn, all my folks have is Diner's Club(r).

 

Quinn: How gauche! But I forgive you.

 

Jamie: Gee, thanks, Quinn!

 

Quinn: No biggie! (To herself.) Is he the ribbed type or the reservoir tip type?

 

JANE: If he's "no biggie"...

DARIA: Jane, please.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 10: COMMA, about 8:30 PM. Background music: "No Quarter" from Led Zeppelin plays throughout this scene.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(The museum is closed for the day. Someone dressed in black, however, breaks a window and enters. [S]he has a black canvas bag with him/her. As [s]he approaches Jane's painting, [s]he takes out a industrial cutting knife. We see him/her raise his/her arm up with the knife in his/her hand. Fast cut to the exterior of the museum, where we hear the noise of canvas being slashed to ribbons.

 

DARIA: And there was much rejoicing.

 

(Background music fades into the next scene.)

 

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Scene 11: Lover's Lane. About 9:30 PM. Background music: "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers plays throughout this scene.

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(Jamie's car is parked considerably from the edge so it won't fall into the abandoned quarry.)

 

DARIA: Yes, he owns the Daria Diaries and isn't afraid to admit it.

JANE: I'm surprised he didn't mention the parking brake precaution.

 

(We see him and Quinn in the back seat now, kissing. Cut to Quinn's back, as Jamie undoes the zipper of Quinn's dress. Cut to head-and-shoulders shot of Jamie and Quinn lying down on the back seat; it's obvious that they don't have a stitch of clothes on. Fast cut to the exterior of the car, where we hear moaning as the car shakes.)

 

Jamie: Thank goodness I parked far away from the edge.

 

Quinn: Just do me, Jamie! YES! YES! YES!

 

JANE: No. No. No. I don't want to even -*think*- about this.

 

(Shot of the rear of the car now. We see Jamie's silhouette as he partly stands up. We see his hands grasp something and pulling it toward him. Fast cut back to a distant shot of the car. More moans. Suddenly, the music stops as if someone pulled the needle off the record, with an accompanying scratch.)

 

Quinn: EWWWWW! This stuff's gross! I can't believe I swallowed it!

 

DARIA: You should pay attention in science class, Quinn. It's called a gag reflex.

JANE: I liked the attempt at subtlety from the rookie.

DARIA: Really?

JANE: No. Someone get that boy a hooker. He -*so*- needs to get laid.

 

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Scene 12: Jane's room. About 8:30 AM Saturday.

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(Jane is fast asleep. Suddenly, the phone rings. Blurry-eyed, Jane feels for the phone and picks it up.)

 

Jane: (Groggy-sounding.) Yo!

 

DeFoe: Jane, it's Ms. DeFoe. You and Daria better get down to COMMA right away!

 

Jane: Not more protesters again!

 

DeFoe: It's worse than that this time;

 

DARIA: There's worse than an angry mob of other human beings?

JANE: Which part bugs you more; them being an angry mob or the fact that they're other human beings?

DARIA: I'll get back to you on that one.

 

DeFoe: someone's slashed your painting to shreds!

 

DARIA: Yay.

 

(This news registers a shock on Jane's face. We hear that extended "La la la LAAAA, la la la la la la!" as we see a widescreen shot of DeFoe unveiling Jane's painting in slow motion and in a blue tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.)

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2

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ST. JOHN'S--125, ACT III--117 (The act lost again. Go Red Storm!)

 

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Scene 1: COMMA, 9:00 AM Saturday.

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(Daria, Jane and DeFoe are seeing the tattered remains of Jane's painting.)

 

Jane: I can't believe this! All that hard work on this painting, and it's down the drain. Now I don't have anything to give to Trent for his birthday again.

 

DARIA: Oh, why don't you just get him a new guitar pick? That's all he really wanted anyway.

 

DeFoe: Jane, I am so sorry about this. Maybe the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association was right. I should never have put this on display in the first place.

 

Daria: Ms. DeFoe, we must not accept defeat like this. This about fighting for your right to free expression of your ideas here. If you let them cower you like this, they'll win.

 

JANE: Hey! It was the free expression of -*my*- ideas!

DARIA: Let's not let common sense get in the way of a perfectly ... uh ... rousing... Hey. It was the free expression of -*your*- ideas.

 

Jane: Daria's right, Ms. DeFoe. We've got to make sure they're not going to get away with this.

 

DeFoe: So, what do we do?

 

DARIA: Plaster the place with Playboy centrefolds, then state that they all came from that right-wing freak's locked office drawer.

 

Daria: We wait for them to show up for their next protest. Then we'll treat them to a dose of their own medicine.

 

(Jane smirks approvingly about this.)

 

JANE: I dunno. Maybe we should treat them to a dose of -*Stacy's*- medicine.

DARIA: And not through the orifice -*she's*- been using.

 

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Scene 2: Stacy's house, about 9:15 AM. Background music: The opening guitar riffs of "My Favorite Game" by the Cardigans.

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(Stacy is watching the News 12 Lawndale cable channel [51] on the living room TV. A female reporter with brown hair and green eyes and wearing a purple business suit is reading off the headlines.)

 

News 12 Lawndale Reporter: (On the TV.) The controversy surrounding a nude painting of a teenage girl took a rather ugly turn overnight.

 

DARIA: As if the painting wasn't ugly enough to begin with.

JANE: Hey! You'd -*better*- be blaming the subject matter.

DARIA: Hey!

 

News 12 Lawndale Reporter: Someone broke into the County Museum of Modern Art and slashed to shreds local artist Jane Lane's painting "Naked Innocence", for which her friend Daria Morgendorffer modeled. The Lawndale Taxpayers' Association has been picketing COMMA for the past few days over the exhibition of the painting, and LTA leader Brad Schlitz has said that the protest will continue until a ruling on their lawsuit is given by Acting City Judge Kathy Feeder.

 

Stacy: Who would do something like that? Sandi? I know she can't stand Daria, but this is going too far. I've got to do something about this!

 

DARIA: Whatever surgeon implanted that new backbone should probably have been a bit more careful with the scalpel around the brain area.

 

(We now see her go to a closet to get something, but the scene cuts away before we see what.)

 

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Scene 3: The upstairs bathroom at the Morgendorffer's house. About 9:20 AM. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Keep It Off My Wave" by Soundgarden.

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(Quinn is kneeling at the toilet, then throws up.)

 

Quinn: Man, I can't believe I have morning sickness! I took all the precautions! Jamie used a condom and I used a sponge! Maybe I should use that pregnancy test I picked up at the E-Z-Mart as well.

 

DARIA: And maybe I should consult some literature and find out that morning sickness doesn't kick in until the first month or so rather than the first day or so.

JANE: And maybe I should shut up in case my parents or my manipulating smart older sister are passing the bathroom door and hear that I've been having underage sex.

 

(She takes the test, which she's hidden all the way in the back of her medicine cabinet, and takes it out.)

 

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Scene 4: COMMA, about 10:05 AM.

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(LTA is having another protest. Same signs and chants as in Act II Scene 8. Schlitz and Gray are once again talking to the media.)

 

Schlitz: I have to admit I am shocked--and I mean shocked--that this wanton act of vandalism occurred.

 

DARIA: Mostly because he didn't think of it first.

 

Schlitz: However, the artist and her model were asking for it. Publicly funded art museums should not exhibit kiddie porn!

 

JANE: Well, there goes the Louvre. And the National Gallery. And the Tate...

 

(Daria, Jane and DeFoe now approach.)

 

Daria: Mr. Schlitz, I want to have a word with you.

 

Schlitz: Can't you see I'm having a press conference right now?

 

DARIA: Oh. Is that what all these cameras were for?

 

Daria: You ordered one of your henchmen to slash up Jane's painting, didn't you?

 

Schlitz: I did not! You have no proof!

 

Jane: You know, you and your buddies are all fascists.

 

Schlitz: When my--er--our candidate wins the county board elections, we're gonna run you and your kooky family out of here!

 

DARIA: And then he'll stick all the Jews and the blacks in concentration camps...

JANE: What Jews? What blacks? This is -*Lawndale*-.

DARIA: Well, at least in that community, the Landons'll be in the vast majority.

 

Jane: Go ahead and try!

 

Schlitz: Commie bitch!

 

Jane: Nazi bastard!

 

Daria: Man, this is turning out to be interesting.

 

(Suddenly, we see Sandi standing at a nearby alleyway. She snickers to herself.)

 

Sandi: Man, I can't believe how those two are tearing into that Schlitz creep! (She now takes out the industrial cutter that we saw in Act II Scene 10.) And no one will ever suspect that I did it!

 

DARIA: That's if you shut up right now before someone overhears you congratulating yourself loudly over your little plot.

 

(She laughs to herself. Unnoticed, Stacy is standing at a nearby corner. She heard what Sandi was saying. She's wearing a trenchcoat, but why she is doing so is a mystery for now.)

 

DARIA: Oops. Too late.

JANE: Is what's under the trenchcoat really a mystery?

DARIA: I read the script.

JANE: But if you hadn't?

DARIA: Still no.

 

(Fast cut back to the sidewalk near COMMA.)

 

DeFoe: Mr. Schlitz, you have no right to intimidate someone from expressing his or her artistic visions!

 

Schlitz: I can if it involves pornography and its on display at a museum funded by my tax dollars!

 

DARIA: Waaaaaaaaaaitaminit. Doesn't pornography usually involve the act of intercourse, masturbation or at least deliberate sexual provocation?

JANE: Awwwwwwwww, don't spoil it for him -*now*-; he's on a roll!

 

Daria: You and your little group just want to get after me because I stopped your little attempts to take over the town!

 

Schlitz: Shut up, you femi-Nazi!

 

JANE: No, wait; -*you're*- the Nazi; -*she's*- the Commie. Try to keep up.

 

(Daria tries to rush up to him, but is kept back by Jane and DeFoe.)

 

Daria: Let me at him! Let me at him!

 

JANE: And in -*this*- scene, the roll of Daria Morgendorffer will be played by Scrappy-Doo.

 

DeFoe: Daria, fighting is not going to solve anything!

 

JANE: And you said this -*isn't*- an NBC Weekend Special?

DARIA: Okay, okay, I stand corrected.

 

Schlitz: You're even worse than those welfare-cheating minorities I despise so much!

 

(Daria grits her teeth.)

 

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Scene 5: Morgendorffer bathroom, about 10:15 AM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs of "Stupid Girl" by Garbage.

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(Quinn is holding a pregnancy test stick up. She's looking at a timer.)

 

Quinn: I was so nervous I had to wait until now to conduct the test. Just one more minute, and I can find out the truth. If that window shows a minus sign, I'm not pregnant; if it shows a plus sign, I am, and Mom and Dad will kill me!

 

DARIA: Fourth wall breach in scene five. Shields are failing.

 

(The timer now dings. Quinn looks at the window. It shows a minus sign Quinn now breathes a sigh of relief.)

 

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Scene 6: The Morgendorffer living room, about 10:17 AM.

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(Quinn is now watching News 12 Lawndale herself. We see the reporter from Act III Scene 2 again.)

 

Quinn: Boy, am I glad I'm not pregnant! Mom and Dad will kill me! However, that doesn't explain why I felt sick.

 

DARIA: It also doesn't explain why Quinn is using the word "however". Nor why she even -*knows*- the word "however".

JANE: Or even why she persists in talking to herself.

 

News 12 Lawndale Reporter: (On the TV.) This health warning was just issued by the local Board of Health. Chez Pierre will be closed today and tomorrow due to having received contaminated beef that was recalled by the FDA. Anyone who had the Medaillons de Boeuf Bearnasie should go to a doctor and get an antidote. Although the contaminated beef does not have a fatal disease, victims may have an urge to throw up.

 

JANE: Why doesn't he know how newsreaders talk? Does he even -*watch*- the news?

DARIA: No, he strikes me as more the type who writes long-winded, foaming-at-the-mouth letters to his local newspaper's editorial section.

 

(Quinn feels like she's going to throw up again. She dashes off to the bathroom.)

 

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Scene 7: COMMA, about 10:30 AM.

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(Daria, Jane, DeFoe and Schlitz are still in their shouting match.)

 

Schlitz: (To Daria.) You know, you've been nothing but trouble since you moved in here! Maybe you should have stayed at Highland with those two troublemakers I kept hearing about: Bemis and Bung-Hole!

 

Daria: They were called Beavis and Butt-Head; besides, they're dead now! (52)

 

JANE: But you don't deny you were -*with*- them. Did the uranium in the tapwater actually make you susceptible to Butt-Head's come-ons?

DARIA: (glare)

 

Schlitz: You know what I meant, you slut!

 

(Daria really wants to slug this guy real bad, but Jane and DeFoe have expressions on their faces that say otherwise.)

 

Jane: Daria, we can argue with this jerk all day long; nothing's going to change his mind.

 

DARIA: How about a full frontal lobotomy? That'd change his mind well enough.

JANE: Drop him a tab of acid. Same effect; less mess. (to the look) Or so I've heard.

 

(Trent pulls up in his blue Plymouth(r) Valiant.(tm) He gets out and approaches Daria, Jane, DeFoe and Schlitz.)

 

Trent: Hey, Daria, Janey, Ms. DeFoe, what's going on?

 

Janey: Uh, Trent, we're in the middle of a big argument here.

 

Daria: We think this goon ordered one of his underlings to destroy the picture Jane did of me nude that she was going to give to you for your birthday.

 

JANE: I thought I quit the track team.

DARIA: You did.

JANE: Then why are we running this whole birthday present thing into the ground?

 

Trent: (He knew about this painting, but this is the first time he's hearing that it was going to be his birthday gift.) You mean that was going to be your birthday gift to me, Janey?

 

Jane: (Sighs heavily; the cat is now out of the bag.) Yeah, it was going to be your birthday gift. Didn't you hear about this on the news and read it in the papers?

 

Trent: Been too busy sleeping or practicing with the band. (To Daria.) Daria, you didn't have to do that to impress me. After you got your belly button pierced, I realized that was a mistake; you just felt so uncomfortable about it. In fact, you don't even have to get a tattoo like I suggested to you after the piercing healed up. (53) Daria, I love you just the way you are. (He kisses her on the forehead. Daria blushes.)

 

JANE: NBC Weekend Special?

DARIA: Degrassi Junior High.

JANE: (gag)

 

Schlitz: Kissing jailbait, eh, you horny bastard?

 

(Trent turns around to see Schlitz.)

 

Trent: You talking to me?

 

DARIA: And in this scene, the role of Trent Lane will be played by Robert DeNiro.

JANE: (half-decent Trent impression) Hey. Cool. Better him than me.

 

Schlitz: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you no good bum!

 

Trent: I don't like you picking on my sister and my girlfriend like that.

 

JANE: First he's nailing your ass to the wall, then he's suing your ass, then he's picking on you. And he still has the nerve to object to kiddie porn.

 

Schlitz: What are you gonna do about it, take out your guitar and hit me over the head with it like El Kabong? (54)

 

JANE: (same half-decent Trent impression) No way, man. I'd have to get a job to pay for a new one. Maybe even work a toll booth.

 

Trent: You're not even worth fighting over. C'mon, Janey, Daria, Ms. DeFoe, let's leave this loser. (They proceeds to leave.)

 

JANE: Come on, Daria. Say it.

DARIA: The grammatical blunder in that stage direction speaks for itself.

JANE: Damnit, you spoil everything.

 

(Schlitz, angry that he's been told off like that, yells a primal scream and slugs Trent on the back of his head. Trent falls to the ground. He gets up, temporarily dazed. He hears faintly Schlitz saying something like "C'mon, get up, you sissy!" Trent yells in anger and broadsides Schlitz. They both fall to the ground, exchanging punches. Daria and Jane try to pry Trent off of Schlitz, but to no avail. Fast cut to Stacy, who's been seeing all this. She now runs to the scene of the fight.)

 

Stacy: Stop it! Stop it! Why are you making such a big deal about all this? Stop! Stop! STOP! (Suddenly, we see her undoing the belt of her trenchcoat. Fast cut to her back as she takes it off, and we find out she was naked underneath it.)

 

DARIA: How many characters have been nude in this fic so far?

JANE: Kate Winslet, you, Quinn, Stacy ... Joey, if you want to count him... So five.

DARIA: No Nudes, huh?

 

(A loud, audible gasp can be heard from the crowd.)

 

JANE: You're the brain. Can something be loud without being audible?

 

(The fight has stopped for now. Fast cut of Sandi, who's still at the alleyway, who has seen what's been going on and now has a look of shock on her face. She runs up to Stacy.)

 

Sandi: Stacy, what the Hell are you doing?

 

DARIA: Acting like a slut, just like you've been telling the entire Fashion Club to do at lunch for the past few days.

 

Stacy: I'm trying to stick up for Daria, that's what!

 

JANE: At least part of her is sticking up for something.

DARIA: Would that be the cold air, or a reaction to whatever cute guys are in the vicinity?

 

Sandi: Stacy, Daria is a nagging bitch!

 

Stacy: No, she's not, Sandi! (Fast cut to a head-and-shoulders shot of er as she now addresses everyone.) Why are you arguing about all this? What is so wrong with nudity? We were all born nude, weren't we?

 

DARIA: I wasn't. This jacket was grafted onto my skin at birth.

JANE: I think the controversy-causing painting says different, amiga.

 

Stacy: Painters have done nude pictures since time began.

 

DARIA: With cave paintings, how can you tell?

 

Stacy: All right, so maybe Jane Lane, her brother Trent and Daria Morgendorffer aren't the type of people who belong in the Fashion Club or agree to the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association's philosophy, but what gives anyone the right to tell Jane she can't do a nude painting of Daria to give to Trent for a birthday gift?

 

JANE: You tell 'em, girlfriend!

DARIA: Actually, if the subject of the painting had objections to having it -*done*-, much less having it shown, that gives at least -*one*- person the right to tell you you can't do it.

 

Stacy: When I saw Trent there comforting Daria after Sandi here spritzed her with the water hose at the community car wash fund-raiser, (55) (Sandi shoots a hostile look in Stacy's direction.) I realized that Trent meant something special to Daria. And when Mr. O'Neill accidentally plowed into them at the Seven Corners, (56) when the rest of the Fashion Club members were making insults at them,

 

DARIA: (horrified) "Making insults at them"? (beat) "-*Making*- ... insults... at them"...

JANE: Whoa; hey, someone want to let me out of here before she starts writing "All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy" on the walls with my -*blood*-?

 

Stacy: ...I was the only one who cared enough to go over and see if they were OK.

 

Sandi: You are in big danger of being kicked out of the Fashion Club, Stacy!

 

DARIA: The charges are having a heart, having an opinion, and being perilously underdressed.

JANE: And that trenchcoat -- -*so*- last season.

 

Stacy: (In anger now.) SHUT UP, SANDI! (Sandi cowers; she's never been yelled at by Stacy before in her life.) Daria, Trent, I realize now that you must really love each other. Don't let jerks like Brad Schlitz judge you like that! They have no right to tell you what to do! And they have no right to tell COMMA what works of art they can display. That's called censorship. No free society like ours should tolerate censorship in any form from anyone. Besides, I know for a fact that it was Sandi Griffin who slashed up your painting, Jane. (Sandi now has a look of horror on her face.) I heard her talk to herself about it when I arrived here.

 

JANE: Well, she slashed the painting, and she was also heard wandering around talking to herself. Do they call the boys in blue, or the men in white coats?

DARIA: How about the men in blue coats?

JANE: What does the Yankee army have to do with this?

DARIA: I don't know, but in this fic, it'd make as much sense as anything else.

 

(Sandi tries to run, but her way is blocked by two Lawndale Police officers.)

 

Officer # 1: Sandi Griffin, you're under arrest for vandalism! (He slaps handcuffs on her.)

 

 Sandi: (At the top of her lungs now.) YOU'RE FINISHED AS A MEMBER OF THE FASHION CLUB, STACY! YOU HEAR ME, YOU'RE FINISHED!!!!!

 

 Officer # 2: You realize I'm going to have to arrest you for indecent exposure, Ma'am.

 

 Stacy: I know, but it was good to get this off my chest.

 

DARIA: Along with that shirt. Fashionable it may have been, but it gave her the most unsightly rash.

 

(Officer # 2 proceeds to handcuff her. They now pass Daria and Jane.)

 

Daria: Stacy, why?

 

Stacy: I owed you one.

 

Daria: Actually, I owed you one. After all, you were there for me at that accident.

 

Stacy: Perhaps. But think about it why I said it the way I did.

 

JANE: Do -*you*- know what she's talking about?

DARIA: Do I -*care*-?

 

(She's lead away. Sandi is now brought past them.)

 

Sandi: I really hate you, Daria! And you want to know why I destroyed Jane's picture?

 

DARIA: Not really, but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway.

JANE: That's right, Sandi. Let it aaaaaaaaaall out.

DARIA: No, that's Stacy.

JANE: No, right now, Stacy's letting it all -*hang*- out. It's -*Quinn*- who's been letting it all out.

 

Daria: OK, why?

 

Sandi: Because I hated all the media attention it was getting, that's what! I didn't want to lose to you in popularity, you bitch! (She now spits on her. She's hauled away.)

 

Officer # 3: Trent Lane, Brad Schlitz, I'm placing the both of you under arrest for disturbing the peace. (He and a fourth officer handcuff them.)

 

Jane: Don't worry, Trent, we're going to get you out of this.

 

JANE: (starts humming the theme to "The Great Escape")

DARIA: If you can think of a way to get him out of jail, how come you can't think of a way to get -*us*- out of -*here*-?

 

Trent: I know, Janey. I know. (He and Schlitz are now led off.)

 

Daria: We'd better get Mom.

 

Jane: If she finds out you were here, she'll blow a gasket.

 

JANE: A -*gasket*-?

DARIA: Didn't I mention? I'm actually the love-child of Amy Barksdale and Ben Stein. Amy built the Helen and Jake androids to protect Ben Stein's reputation.

 

Daria: At this point, I just don't give a damn.

 

DARIA: What? No, "Frankly, my dear"?

JANE: Why, Daria! I didn't know you cared!

 

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Scene 8: The Lawndale Jail, (57) about Noon. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Jailbreak" from AC/DC.

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(Daria, Jane and DeFoe are seeing Trent in his cell. He's wearing his civilian clothes for now and is standing next to the bars of the door.)

 

Jane: Trent, I've called Mom; she's going to be here to post bail for you.

 

JANE: From the Himalayas? Now that's devotion.

 

Trent: Thanks, Janey.

 

Daria: Trent, I called my own mother and told her what happened; she'll be down here in a while.

 

DARIA: And she's bringing with her an accusation of statutory rape.

 

Trent: Thanks, Daria.

 

Daria: Trent, thanks for sticking up for Jane and me.

 

JANE: After seeing that painting, -*something*- should be sticking... (Daria hits Jane) Ow!

 

Trent: I wasn't going to let him bully you. Where is Mr. Schlitz, anyway?

 

Jane: He was put in solitary after he tried to bite one of the officers.

 

Trent: Cool.

 

Daria: Jane, I'm just going to see Stacy for a second. See you later, Trent. (She now leans her head against the bars, and kisses Trent's forehead. She now goes down three cells down to Stacy's; she's wearing a light blue female prisoner's smock.)

 

JANE: I didn't know prisoner's smocks had sex.

DARIA: How do you think they make new prisoner's smocks?

JANE: Daria!

 

Daria: Stacy, it's me, Daria.

 

Stacy: Hi, Daria.

 

Daria: Stacy, why did you really do what you did out there?

 

Stacy: Remember when my date for the medieval fair dumped me and I was so heartbroken that I sat next to you and Jane in the Ferris wheel?

 

DARIA: Of course I do. It's been repeated at least three times since this nightmare began.

 

Daria: It was the five most agonizing moments of Hell in my life. (She now lets out a Mona Lisa smile to let her know she was just kidding.)

 

DARIA: Ha, ha. Only serious.

 

Stacy: You and Jane were the only ones who were willing to listen to me. I never forgot that. Then you and Trent were in that bad auto accident, and I got help for you. I saw a different side of you than what Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany were portraying you as. Daria, I know you're cynical and all that, but I also know you've got that soft spot for Trent there in your heart. When I saw you, it looked like you cried a bit.

 

JANE: And now you're going to tell us you had something in your eye.

DARIA: Oh, no, they were real tears. Even I have a breaking point.

JANE: Aw, isn't that sweet!

DARIA: You have to say that many bad lines, you either cry or maim.

 

Daria: I was at the verge of tears, but then I buried my face into Trent's chest.

 

JANE: Since when do you admit that stuff? To a Fashion Clubber?

DARIA: Since I got dragooned into the land of out-of-character farce.

 

Stacy: Don't fool me, Daria; when we were riding the ambulance to the hospital, I saw a tear or two fall down that face of yours. You know, I wish I had strong feelings for a guy like you do.

 

Daria: You do?

 

Stacy: It seems with the Fashion Club, you just use up a lot of guys. You date them and then you forget them. Why can't I just have a stable relationship?

 

JANE: You can't have a stable -*anything*- in heels that high.

 

Daria: Stacy, this is the first time I'm hearing about this.

 

Stacy: Daria, I have been a bit different from the other members of the Fashion Club all the time. It just really tears me up inside when I see Quinn and Sandi fighting like they do, and Sandi acts like a bitch to Quinn and Tiffany backs up Sandi no matter what. I just want to be liked by everyone, not hold people in contempt.

 

DARIA: You can please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time...

JANE: But you can make everybody sick until doomsday.

DARIA: Amen.

 

Stacy: Daria, I know you're cynical and smart and unfashionable and all that, but, for what it's worth, I wouldn't mind calling you a friend.

 

Daria: You know what, Stacy, that's the nicest thing any one of you guys on the Fashion Club's ever said to me.

 

Stacy: (Now on the verge of tears.) Thank you, Daria. (She cries. Daria extends her hand out and grabs Stacy's.)

 

JANE: Stacy crying ... okay. You holding her -*hand*-?

DARIA: Maybe he's gearing up for a lesbian encounter. I wouldn't put it past him.

 

Daria: Stacy, it's OK. I guess if you can see me cry, I guess I can see you cry as well. And this time I will not threaten you with justifiable homicide. (58)

 

DARIA: Mostly because even -*you're*- smart enough to realise that the bars between us makes that threat rather empty.

 

Stacy: Thanks. (She begins to dry her eyes.)

 

(Helen now enters.)

 

Helen: Daria, I've made the bail arrangements. Everyone except that Schlitz bastard's free to go.

 

Daria: Thanks, Mom, I think.

 

Helen: And, Daria, I have been thinking. I guess Dad and I did go overboard when we reacted to Jane's painting,

 

JANE: Like Leo DiCaprio?

DARIA: I'm not that lucky.

 

Helen: and I apologize on the behalf of both of us. However, please let us know if you're going to do anything like this again.

 

Daria: Sure. (To herself.) When Hell freezes over.

 

Helen: So, now we must face the trial.

 

Daria: Unfortunately. I guess I have been subpoenaed as a witness?

 

JANE: Okay, you're the writer. Why'd you guys suddenly stop using contractions?

DARIA: It's supposed to add drama. But in the hands of a poor author, who are the only ones who resort to that kind of tactics, it reduces it to melodrama.

JANE: How much longer?

DARIA: Too long.

 

Helen: (Giving a subpoena to Daria.) Yes, you have.

 

Daria: It figures.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 9: Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 9:00 AM Monday, the main courtroom. Background music: The opening bars of "The Theme from 'Law and Order'". (59)

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(The courtroom is packed. Daria, Jane, Trent, Helen and Amanda are at one table, while Schlitz and his attorney, a man with black hair and mustache, is at another. The District Attorney, a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes and a tan suit, is at the prosecutor's table.)

 

Daria: I hope that dumb Judge Reinhart isn't hearing this one. (60)

 

JANE: You couldn't have thought of a better insult than -*that*-? You who practised Shakespearean insults on teachers at the tender age of fifteen?

DARIA: I read the lines as written.

JANE: Didn't that hurt?

DARIA: You tell me.

 

Helen: Daria, if he is, you will not express your displeasure at him!

 

DARIA: She's been trying to get me to emote for years, and now she's telling me not to. All together now...

DARIA & JANE: (unison) DOUBLE STANDARD!

 

(Fast cut to Schlitz.)

 

Schlitz: I hope that Reinhart guy's hearing this case; from what I hear, he's open to bribery.

 

Schlitz's Attorney: Just leave it to me.

 

Bailiff: (An old man in a beige uniform.) All rise! Lawndale City Court is now in session! The Honorable Katherine T. Feeder presiding!

 

(We now see Judge Feeder for the first time; she looks like Kate Mulgrew. She sits at the bench.)

 

Schlitz: Aw, man, not her again!

 

Judge Feeder: (She even sounds like Kate Mulgrew!) Glad to see you too, Mr. Schlitz!

 

DARIA: If it looks like Kate Mulgrew ... and sounds like Kate Mulgrew ... then why aren't Kate Mulgrew's lawyers beating down Guerin's door for defamation of character?

 

(Daria lets out her Mona Lisa smile.)

 

(Fast cut to several hours later.)

 

DARIA: I don't suppose we could fast forward to a few -*more*- hours later? Say, to the end of this fic?

 

(Judge Feeder is about to render a decision.)

 

Judge Feeder: Let's face it, this is the most ridiculous case I've ever heard. A group of people who object even to firemen rescuing cats from trees...

 

JANE: She should go online more. If she'd seen Sluggy Freelance's "Kitten" storyline, she'd understand.

 

Judge Feeder: ...yelling about a work of art at the local museum. I just had the opportunity to see that painting before it was destroyed. It was a beautiful work of art, and I don't see any reason why it should have been removed.

 

DARIA: I see at least two.

JANE: Two?

DARIA: Preservation of my right to privacy, and copyright law. (to the look) What, you think MTV approves of my likeness being used without their consent? Never mind Sandi's Psycho re-enactment; you're lucky you didn't get Foxed.

 

Judge Feeder: Mr. Schlitz and his organization had no right to bully the defendant's sister and girlfriend in order to draw them into a fight. The defendant's actions were justified in my opinion, and Mr. Schlitz got what he deserved. Therefore, case dismissed! (Bangs gavel.) And, Mr. Schlitz, you'll be happy to hear that I also intend to toss out your lawsuit against COMMA as well.

 

JANE: Also as well. Still the Department of Redundancies Department?

DARIA: He must be their CEO.

 

Schlitz: Why, that no good bitch! I hate her! (He leaves with his lawyer, shooting a hostile glance at Daria, Jane, Trent, Helen and Amanda.)

 

(Jane hugs Trent.)

 

Daria: Thanks, Mom.

 

Helen: Oh, it was nothing.

 

Judge Feeder: This court is in recess until 6:30 PM, where we'll hear "People v. Nibblet" (61) as well as "People v. Griffin" and "Lawndale Taxpayers' Association v. County Museum of Modern Art". (Bangs gavel again. She gets off the bench and approaches Daria and Jane.) Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, I admire your courage. Don't give up in what you believe in.

 

DARIA: I believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I've had to give it up to sit through -*this*-. Guess I didn't do Judge Feeder very proud.

 

Daria: Thanks, Your Honor.

 

Judge Feeder: You know, I was a lot like you when I was growing up, Ms. Morgendorffer, and I never gave that up. (She now takes off her robe; she's seen wearing a blue field jacket, a purple T-shirt beneath that, a brown pleated knee-length skirt and brown Doc Marten boots.)

 

JANE: Hey, you're a trend-setter!

DARIA: Technically, she is. She's a lot older than I am.

JANE: Okay ... you're a fashion victim!

DARIA: Shut up.

 

Judge Feeder: You have to be like that to handle creeps like Brad Schlitz. I promise you that Mr. Schlitz and LTA will be dealt with severely on my watch.

 

DARIA: How about Guerin? Will you deal with -*him*- severely too?

JANE: Don't give the boy any ideas, Daria. He might like a little ... *ahem* ...'discipline' from the former soap queen.

(shudders from both parties)

 

Daria: What's going to happen to Sandi and Stacy?

 

Judge Feeder: Both have struck plea bargains. Sandi will most likely serve 100 hours of community service...

 

DARIA: I take it she never heard about what happened -*last*- time Sandi served the community.

JANE: Hey, I bet there's a poor girl in Afghanistan who's -*grateful*- for those go-go boots.

 

Judge Feeder: ...while Stacy will probably have to pay a $50 fine.

 

Jane: And they say the system doesn't work. (Smirks mischievously.)

 

Daria: You can say that again.

 

JANE: Yeah, I -*can*-, but do I -*have*- to? Once is enough for these miserable lines.

 

Judge Feeder: Well, I'd better retire to chambers. However, we will meet again.

 

JANE: She makes that sound like a threat.

DARIA: It is. Or have you forgotten that meeting her again will mean at least one more of these fics?

 

Daria: I have a feeling we will.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Scene 10: The Lane's living room, about 6:00 PM.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Trent's birthday party is in full swing. Daria, Jane, Trent and Amanda are sitting around a table.)

 

Daria: Too bad your father couldn't make it, Trent.

 

Trent: Well, he wanted to get those rare tiki masks at Tahiti, so he went off in a hurry.

 

Jane: (Handing her gift to Trent.) In lieu of my painting, here's my gift to you, Trent.

 

DARIA: 'In lieu'?

JANE: You know the woman who does -*my*- voice does Helen's too. Sometimes, I get a little confused.

 

(Trent opens it; it's guitar strings.)

 

Trent: Cool. Guitar strings. Thanks, Janey.

 

Daria: (Handing her gift to Trent.) This is from me, Trent.

 

(Trent opens it. It's a gold chain with the name "Trent" suspended from it.)

 

Trent: Daria, this is beautiful.

 

DARIA: Yeah. He's well on his way to becoming Liberace.

 

Daria: I had to dip heavily into the Montana Cabin Fund to get this for you. (62)

 

Trent: Daria, thanks. I really like it. (He kisses her on the cheek now. She blushes.)

 

Jane: Of course, I could persuade Daria to pose nude again. . .

 

Daria: Don't even think about it, Rembrandt!

 

(Jane smirks evilly.)

 

DARIA: Did Rembrandt paint nudes?

JANE: Does Guerin care about accuracy?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 11: Lawndale High Cafeteria, about 10:30 AM Tuesday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(The Fashion Club's seated at a table. Stacy is far away from the others, however.)

 

Quinn: So, I did it with Jamie! Aren't you guys happy for me?

 

Sandi: Well, duh, Quinn! I did it with Skyler!

 

DARIA: Which explains why he's been visiting the STD clinic the past few days.

 

(Quinn frowns.)

 

Tiffany: So, Sandi, why is Stacy sitting so far away?

 

Sandi: Stacy committed conduct unbecoming a member of this club! She exposed herself at COMMA and ratted on me on Saturday! Stacy's membership is suspended pending a hearing on her fitness as a member of this club!

 

(Stacy slinks away now. She doesn't want to hear this.)

 

JANE: Why not? -*I*- would.

DARIA: Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty...

JANE: When will -*we*- be free?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 12: The hallway at Lawndale High. About 10:35 AM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway. Stacy approaches.)

 

Jane: Hey, what's Stacy doing without the rest of the Fashion Club airheads?

 

Daria: (Realizing the personal Hell Stacy's going through.) Shut up, Jane. (Jane shoots a quizzical look at her.) (To Stacy.) Are you OK?

 

Stacy: My membership's been suspended and I might be kicked out of the club altogether. However, it was worth doing what I did, and I have you to thank, Daria.

 

Daria: For what it's worth, you could hang with us.

 

DARIA: I'm sure Sandi would be pleased to tie one extra noose.

 

Stacy: Could I? Really?

 

Jane: We just have one rule.

 

Stacy: Which is?

 

JANE: No poofters! (to the look) You have any idea how many of those fic-writers are Python fans?

 

Jane: No crying.

 

Stacy: OK. (She joins them down the hallway. O'Neill passes by and looks at the situation with surprise.)

 

O'Neill: Funny, I don't remember Stacy hanging out with Daria and Jane. Maybe I am forgetful about these things.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Scene 13: The Morgendorffer's dining room. About 6:30 PM.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 (The family's eating fried chicken for dinner.)

 

 Helen: You know, I'm glad everything worked out for the best in this situation.

 

 Daria: At least no one will have to see me stark raving nekkid again.

 

JANE: But I know somebody who -*wants*- to...

DARIA: Sorry, Jane. Hate to disappoint you again, but I'm straight as an arrow in that respect.

JANE:: -*Daria*-!

 

 (Helen scowls at that.)

 

 Jake: So, Quinn, honey, how was your date Friday night with Jamal?

 

 Quinn: That's Jamie, Dad. It was great! We were at Lover's Lane afterwards.

 

 Helen: Oh, Quinn, I meant to ask you. (She takes out the remnants of Quinn's pregnancy test from her pocket.) Can you mind telling me what this is all about?

 

JANE: "Can you -*mind*-"?!?

DARIA: I think I'm developing an immunity to the bad grammar.

JANE: Really?

DARIA: No.

 

 (Fast cut to a shocked Quinn.)

 

 Daria: If you beg for mercy, I'm pretty sure you can get off with twenty years.

 

DARIA: If I beg for mercy, can I get off...?

JANE: With Trent...

(Daria hits Jane.)

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Scene 14: Daria's room, about 8:00 PM.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 (Daria is lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her cellular phone rings. She answers it.)

 

 Daria: Hello?

 

 (Split screen to show Jane at the left and Daria at the right.)

 

 Jane: So, how's everything here?

 

DARIA: Out of character, overblown, badly grammatised and generally badly written.

 

 Daria: Back to normal. Quinn got busted for having sex with Jamie. She's grounded for a month.

 

 Jane: So, the little slut did it!

 

 Daria: Jane, I'm really beginning to get concerned about what Sandi's been up to. One of these days, she's going to blow her stack and I'll be her target.

 

 Jane: So, shine up that AK-47 of yours then.

 

JANE: Ooooooooh. Move over, Klebold and Harris...

DARIA: They were pushed to their breaking point. This fic is pushing me to mine.

JANE: (wide-eyed) Eep!

 

 Daria: I'm afraid I'll need a stealth bomber to handle her.

 

 Jane: By the way, I can still do another nude painting of you to give to Trent.

 

 Daria: No thanks; I don't want to go through all the grief again.

 

JANE: But you're gonna -*have*- to, you realise. He wrote two more.

 

 Jane: Just thought I'd ask. See you at school tomorrow. Bye.

 

 Daria: Bye. (She hangs up.)

 

 (Fast cut to the bathroom. "Naked Eye" by Lucious Jackson begins to play and plays through to the end of the closing credits. Daria's arm reaches for a towel. Fast cut to her finishing wrapping herself up in it. Cut to her looking at the mirror.)

 

 Jane: (In Daria's thoughts.) Heeeey! Nice Bod!

 

 (Fast cut of Daria's back as she undoes the towel. Fast cut to head-and-shoulders shot of her looking at herself. She lets out a Mona Lisa smile.)

 

JANE: Vice is nice, incest is best, but -*self*--love...

DARIA: Is self-abuse. A few well-placed blows to the head ought to give me brain damage enough to accept this tripe as Gospel.

 

 Daria: You know what, Daria? Jane's right. Maybe you're not so bad-looking after all.

 

 (The closing credits being to roll. Alter egos include Daria as B-ko Daitokuji in her Akagiyama 23 battlesuit from "Project A-ko"; Ms. Li as the Wicked Witch of the West from "The Wizard of Oz"; Sandi as Felicity from the show of the same name; Brittany as Pamela Anderson; Mr. O'Neill as the famed "New Yorker" cover guy who's always holding his monocle up to see a butterfly; Ms. Barch as famed female hockey player [and Glens Falls, New York native] Erin Whitten; Mack as legendary tunnel builder John Henry; Jodie as rhythm and blues singer Brandi; Kevin as Indiana Jones; and Helen as Justice, complete with blindfold, scales and sword. The "Daria" logo is shown as the closing credits end.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 ENDNOTES

 

 (1) Daria was planning on watching it the night before the Super Bowl in "Stupid Sunday", but had taped it instead so she could go to the "Bowl-Buster" concert.--Warner Peter ("Let's go to the videotape!").

 

JANE: Let's not and say we didn't.

 

 (2) Quinn had gone out with him on the "Pinch Sitter" episode. --Baby-sitter Peter.

 

DARIA: Ladies and gentlemen, would you trust this man with your children?

 

 (3) In case you missed that, Sandi found out that Daria and Quinn are sisters in "The Dinner Date from Hell".--Chef Tel Peter (who promises that this will be THE absolute last time he will bring this matter up as a footnote. See you!).

 

JANE: Thank -*God*-.

DARIA: But he has plenty of other matters to bring up as endnotes.

JANE: Maybe CINCGreen had a point about people who abuse endnotes having them written on index cards and stapled to their asses.

 

 (4) Actually, Daria and Trent were in an auto accident that involved Mr. O'Neill; read all about it in C. E. Forman's story "Driven Wild". --AAA Peter.

 

DARIA: So this isn't just Daria fanfic. This is CE Forman Dariafic.

JANE: Hey, if you're going to rip off a concept, why not stand on the shoulders of giants?

 

 (5) See the "Fair Enough" episode for details.--Sir Peter of Hudson Falls.

 

DARIA: I'm seeing him in a suit of armour now.

JANE: And then we can toss him into the Hudson.

 

 (6) This will be developed further in my next two stories, "Karen Carpenter Blues" and "Outbitched".--Foreboding Peter.

 

JANE: He's not fore-*boding*-. He's fore-*shadowing*-.

DARIA: You expect vocabulary from him now? I happen to think he got the word right, anyway. I approach the idea of two -*more*- of these things with more foreboding than is healthy.

 

 (7) In fact, Sandi won't let go of her hatred for Daria, which will explode rather violently in "Outbitched".--Fair Warning Peter.

 

JANE: Thanks. Saves us from having to read -*that*- turkey.

DARIA: Didn't save us from having -*appeared*- in it.

 

 (8) Daria did just that in C. E. Forman's "Taking Debate".--Your Moderator, Peter Guerin.

 

DARIA: Everything in moderation, Mr Guerin? Then explain your love of melodrama.

 

 (9) Syrup of ipecac is used to induce vomiting; it is often used to get rid of accidentally ingested poisons, but it is often abused by bulimics. This will be looked at in further detail in "Karen Carpenter Blues". --Peter Guerin (who's not a doctor and doesn't even play one on TV.)

 

DARIA: That's fairly obvious. We were in "Outbitched".

 

 (10) She said that on "Pierce Me".--Encyclopedic Peter.

 

JANE: Encyclopaedia Stupidica.

 

 (11) Jane had done those two paintings in "Gifted"; Quinn saw the both of them in my story "Triumph of the 'Retart'" while Linda Griffin had bought the "Quinn in a guillotine" painting and gave it to Sandi in C. E. Forman's story "Quinntet".--Peter Ross ("Now let's make those trees look like happy trees!").

 

JANE: Let's make these cartoon characters look like -*happy*- cartoon characters ... BY LETTING US -*OUT*- OF HERE!

 

 (12) Jane commented on that in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up". --Peter Royce (who's never worked at a car wash himself, though).

 

DARIA: Of course not. That would constitute a paying job.

 

 (13) In "Cracked" magazine's "Duncia" spoof, which appeared in the March 1998 issue, Duncia moaned about being short and small-breasted. I also make reference to that in "Misery Senshi".--Not-quite-good-looking-Peter.

 

JANE: "Not-quite-good-looking"? Shouldn't that be "ugly as sin"?

DARIA: No. His writing's a sin. His looks are an unhappy genetic accident.

 

 (14) The seamstress who was working on Daria's bridesmaid's dress in "I Don't" said the same thing.--Bachelor Peter.

 

DARIA: (faux shock) He's a -*bachelor*-?

JANE: (same) With all that experience he so obviously has in the boudoir?

 

 (15) Quinn did just that in "Monster".--Fashion Victim Peter.

 

DARIA: No; you have no fashion, and -*we*- are the victims.

 

 (16) Daria did just that in "Quinn the Brain".--Ooo-la-la Peter (who didn't realize that Daria was that well-endowed until he saw that scene).

 

DARIA: I am going to have to soak myself in lye.

JANE: So he gets hot and horny for the two-dimensional. They match his personality.

 

 (17) Check out the Morgendorffers' medicine cabinet in "The Daria Database" and see!--Snoopin' Peter.

 

DARIA: No comment. I'm still reeling at the fact that he's letching over a cartoon character.

 

 (18) This incorporated village on New York's Long Island was where Tampax(tm) was formerly headquartered. The old radio station WAPP-FM (now Hot 97) was there as well, and it was the site of the United Nation's first headquarters at the old Sperry Gyroscope Company (now called Unisys). --Peter Guerin (who knows all this because he used to live on Long Island).

 

JANE: Remind me -*never*- to go there. Look what it -*does*- to you.

 

 (19) The dinners they're having were taken from the menu depicted in "The Daria Database".--Maitre'd Peter.

 

DARIA: If -*he*- works in food service, no -*wonder*- the diners got sick.

 

 (20) Translation: "Waiter, my soda is flat. Send it back." Phrase taken from The Daria Database.--Chef Peter.

 

JANE: -*Bad*- translation.

DARIA: You finally -*got*- it.

 

 (21) A rather famous striptease song; it kind of goes "Ba-boom-ba-boom-ba- boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-ba-ba-boom!" or something like that; if you've ever heard it, you'll know it.--Chippendale Peter.

 

DARIA: Ow. My eyes.

JANE: Ow. My brain.

DARIA/JANE: (unison) Owwwwwwwwwww...

 

 (22) Once again, check out "Pierce Me"!--Peter Rodman.

 

JANE: How many endnotes can he make about the same ep?

 

 (23) They did at the end of "Misery Senshi".--Salacious Peter.

 

DARIA: Salacious. There's a word.

JANE: How about "filthy-minded little gutter rat"?

DARIA: That's five. But they're much more expressive.

 

 (24) Daria admitted to that in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Officer Peter, HFPD.

 

JANE: A -*policeman*- yet!

DARIA: I fought the law, and the law screamed like a sissy-girl and ran away.

 

 (25) This is a tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Hass, who used that reason in explaining why Jane wears lipstick in response to a question I had posted at the old Planet Daria Message Board.--Peter Factor.

 

DARIA: Now you see why I don't wear cosmetics.

 

 (26) Daria mentioned about that in "The Daria Diaries". --Journalistic Peter.

 

JANE: Journalistic like Pat Buchanan.

 

 (27) Amanda had told Jane about this in my last story "Stupid Sunday". --Flashback Peter.

 

DARIA: Can we flash him back to about the eighteenth century when they locked people like him up in mental institutions and tortured them to death?

 

 (28) Monique's mother from "Strange Reunions".--Recap Peter.

 

DARIA: Monique has a -*mother*-?

JANE: More like a sire. You did -*know*- she was a vampire, right?

 

 (29) That museum (also known as COMMA) is mentioned in "The Daria Diaries".--Peter Renoir.

 

JANE: He dares to mention his name in the same breath as -*Renoir*-?

 

 (30) For details, see "Arts 'N' Crass".--Vincent Van Peter.

 

JANE: That's it. Next time I do a Pollack tribute, I'm using -*his*- arms.

 

 (31) For those of you outside of the Empire State, BOCES is short for "Board of Co-operative Educational Services". A BOCES area can cover many school districts in several counties. BOCES offers specialized classes that normal high school curricula may not cover like practical nursing, auto mechanics, culinary arts and some Special Education instruction. My area is covered by the Warren/Washington/Saratoga/Hamilton/Essex Counties BOCES. Where I used to live in Suffolk County had three BOCES districts; Connetquot Central School District was in Suffolk BOCES 2. BOCES also offers adult classes and summer classes for high school students and adults. My mother, stepfather and older stepbrother all took BOCES classes.--Prof. Peter.

 

DARIA: There is insufficient memory to process this information. And when I say "memory", take it to mean "interest in the subject matter".

 

 (32) The first names of Ms. Morris and Nurse Chase were mentioned in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Recap Peter.

 

JANE: Look! He's running out of stupid names! This -*must*- be over soon!

DARIA: But if he allows himself to repeat them, he -*could*- go on indefinitely.

JANE: Damn you, Morgendorffer, for killing my last shred of hope.

 

 (33) It was revealed in "The Daria Diaries" that the football coach's name was Gibson; I made up George in "Stupid Sunday".--Summarizing Peter.

 

JANE: Can you summarise this fic for me?

DARIA: People do stupid things, the outcasts win, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, bad grammar, the end.

 

 (34) Danny gets mentioned in "The Daria Database".--Musical Peter.

 

DARIA: Meet Upstate New York's answer to Eminem.

JANE: Will the fake Slim Shady please shut up?

 

 (35) It was revealed in "The Daria Database" that Danny Moreno's the editor of Mystik Spiral's fan club newsletter.--Fanboy Peter.

 

DARIA: Well, at least he admits it. But I'd use "otaku".

JANE: Yeah; there was a helluva lot of anime...

DARIA: Actually, the word means "obsessive" in a general sense.

JANE: Even better.

 

 (36) The Rathskeller is the bar Jake sometimes goes to; its mentioned in "The Daria Database".--Peter Malone.

 

DARIA: Sam Malone was a washed-up ball player who dwelt on past successes and coasted through life on his looks, if I recall.

JANE: Everyone needs a role model, right?

 

 (37) A reference to C. E. Forman's immortal classic "Daria vs. the IRS"! --Peter Guerin, CPA.

 

JANE: CPA?

DARIA: Certified Purposeless Airbag.

 

 (38) KSBC is the station that Linda Griffin works for as a Vice President of Marketing.--Peter Brokaw.

 

JANE: You think he -*reads*- autocues better than he -*writes*- them?

DARIA: Could he do much -*worse*-?

JANE: Don't, Daria. He might take up the challenge.

 

 (39) Watch "The Road Worrier" for details!--Mr. Peter-Wrench.

 

JANE: Which one is he? The Goodwrench, the Badwrench or the Uglywrench?

DARIA: The latter two.

 

 (40) Once again, watch "Pierce Me"!--Encyclopedic Peter.

 

JANE: He told us to watch it three -*times*- now! It wasn't that good!

DARIA: You only say that because you were barely in it.

 

 (41) Read about Ms DeFoe's generosity to her college chums at her corner of the Lawndale High Teacher's Lounge in "The Daria Database"! --Prof. Peter.

 

JANE: Professor of -*what*-?

DARIA: Whatever he's teaching, it explains a lot about the decline in American education standards.

 

 (42) I mention about common law courts in Return of the Lawndale Militia. --Judge Peter.

 

DARIA: Judge not lest ye be judged.

JANE: Too late.

 

 (43) I don't know about the right-wing militias and taxpayers' groups in your area, but the one in my area, the All-County Taxpayers' Association (ACTA) uses pictures of Thomas Jefferson a lot in their literature. If Jefferson was alive, he'd be disgusted at how ACTA and other groups like them are using his image while repudiating everything he stood for. --Peter Guerin (who really thinks that ACTA's cry of eternal vigilance sounds more like a cry for Wild West vigilantism against "evil" New York City and Long Island and its minority groups).

 

DARIA: I don't know about the right-wing militias and taxpayers' groups in my area, either.

JANE: So much for eternal vigilance.

DARIA: You can say that again. If I'd had eternal vigilance, I'd have refused to be tied to this nightmare in any way.

 

 (44) I'm assuming that Lawndale County, like most counties in this nation, has a three-to-five member Board of County Commissioners elected at-large. In my county, Washington County, New York, we have a Board of Supervisors, consisting of the supervisors, or chief administrative officers, of each town, who act "ex officio" as representatives of their towns at the county level. In my old county of Suffolk, they have an eighteen-member County Legislature, whose members are elected from single-seat districts like Congressmen and state legislators are. --Peter Guerin (who did very well in Prof. Jeff Peck's state and local government class at Adirondack Community College, Queensbury, New York).

 

DARIA: Would that he could have done that well in English 101.

 

 (45) Latin for "Seize the day". This is something ACTA plugs all the time. Of course, it was also used a lot by Robin Williams in "Dead Poets Society" and is the slogan for Kellogg's(r) Smart Start(tm) cereal. --Peter Guerin (whose own knowledge of Latin is pretty limited, to say the least).

 

JANE: I wish he'd acknowledge his limitations everywhere -*else*-, too.

DARIA: Come on, Jane. We don't want to make the poor boy suicidal.

 

 (46) Someone asked that same question on the first "Daria Day" on MTV. --Recap Peter.

 

JANE: (head in hands) Recap? You mean we have to see this -*again*-?

 

 (47) Of course, she's referring to the events of "Misery Senshi" and "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Gen. Peter.

 

JANE: He leads -*armies*-?

DARIA: To fall upon their swords, rather than their foes.

 

 (48) These are references to C. E. Forman's stories "To Helen Back", "Rain on Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Driven Wild". --Peter "I really like C. E." Guerin.

 

JANE: Why doesn't he just -*marry*- the guy, if he likes him so much?

DARIA: Don't say things like that, Jane. He might just consider it. (to the shocked look) Well, he's obviously not having any luck with -*hetero*-sexuality...

 

 (49) Check out the map in "The Daria Diaries" and see it!--Romantic Peter.

 

DARIA: Romantic? Who with?

JANE: Mrs Palm and her five daughters.

 

 (51) I don't know if you have something similar in your area, but back on Long Island where I used to live, the local cable company Cablevision(tm) had a 24-hour all-news channel called News 12 Long Island. I kind of wish they had something like this here in the Adirondack North Country. --Peter Guerin (who someday will return to Long Island for good).

 

DARIA: God help Long Island.

 

 (52) Ms. Brach killed them in "Misery Senshi".--Recap Peter.

 

JANE: Who's Ms Brach?

 

 (53) Trent made that suggestion in "Pierce Me".--Total Recall Peter.

 

DARIA: If he -*had*- total recall, he'd remember how many times he's already reffed that fic.

 

 (54) Quickdraw McGraw's masked, crimefighting alter ego!--Sheriff Peter.

 

JANE: (typically bad singing) I shot the sheriff...

DARIA: And the whole town threw a ticker-tape parade in your honour.

 

 (55) That happened in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up".--Peter Schieb ("I'll paint any car, any color for $39.95!")

 

DARIA: But how much would it take for him to get into that car and drive far, far away?

 

 (56) That happened in C. E.'s Driven Wild.--"Bad Hands" Peter.

 

DARIA: It's a poor workman who blames his tools.

 

 (57) I first mention about the Lawndale Jail in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Warden Peter.

 

DARIA: So now he's a warden.

JANE: The lunatics are taking over the asylum.

 

 (58) That was the warning Daria gave Stacy in "Fair Enough". --Sir Peter of Chichester.

 

DARIA: Telegram from Chichester -- they don't want him any more than Long Island did.

 

 (59) An ironic choice, given the fact that "Daria" is now on the same day and time "Law and Order" is.--Network Executive Peter.

 

JANE: Oh, so now he's a Network Exec. That explains all the crap that's on TV.

 

 (60) He was the one who threw the book at Daria in C. E.'s "To Helen Back".--Legal Eagle Peter.

 

JANE: Legal Eagle?

DARIA: More like turkey.

 

 (61) Danny Bronstein speculated in his "Who Shot Principal Li?" that Nibblet was Stacy's last name.--Peter the Assassin.

 

DARIA: Character assassin, maybe. He lacks the subtlety for the garrotte, the patience for the sniper rifle and the skill for ... well, anything.

 

 (62) Check out the Morgendorffer's budget sheets in "The Daria Database" for details!--Bean-Counter Peter.

 

JANE: If we give him enough beans to count, he may never write again!

DARIA: Hello? Columbia? Send us all the coffee beans you can get your hands on. The future of the fanfic-reading public is at stake.

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 THE END

 

JANE: WooooooooooooooooooooooHOO!

DARIA: Open. The door. -*NOW*-!

 

(Door opens; exit Daria and Jane at a run.)