HARRY POTTER AND THE FLACK-JACKET MAFIA
(Note to TLAS readers -- this fic takes place instead of
Tour of Duty. For Potterfans, this is sort of my crossover answer to Order of
the
(Scene: McIntyre Manor, kitchen. Carol is sitting at the
kitchen table, leafing through a bunch of coupons. AP comes in, looking a
little sad and apprehensive.)
AP: Hey ... Mom?
CAROL: (not looking up) Yes, dear?
AP: Just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving for
CAROL: Didn't you do that?
AP: Last Christmas, Mom. We're gonna stay at Purple Peril's
aunt's again.
CAROL: Purple...?
AP: (sigh) Lynn Cullen, Mom.
CAROL: Oh, your little girlfriend...
AP: (wince) -*No*-, Mom. See, first I went out with -*her*-
and then she moved and then -*we*- moved and then I went out with... (begins to
realise that the concept even confuses -*him*-) Never mind.
CAROL: (whose mind has drifted elsewhere) You said
AP: (sad) Yeah, Mom.
CAROL: Well, you should probably drop in on Arthur while
you're there.
AP: (fear; "is she taking a turn for the worse?")
Who?
CAROL: Arthur, dear. My brother. I haven't seen him in ...
oh, the -*longest*- time. I don't even remember...
AP: (looking askance at her) I guess, Mom. Where does ...
Uncle Arthur live?
CAROL: I think his address is with your father's little
black phone book. But he wouldn't like you looking in there, so...
AP: Don't worry, Mom. I'll find ... Uncle Arthur.
CAROL: Oh, and send my love, will you? I haven't seen him in
-*ever*- so long...
AP: Sure, Mom, no problem...
(He steps out of the kitchen and into the main hall. As he
exits, he stops and shakes his head in utter confusion.
AP: (mutter to himself) Uncle -*Arthur*-?
(He spies Fred asleep on the sofa, and his briefcase on the
armchair near the front door. He flips it open and digs, finding the little
black phone book in question. He scribbles out a note on a Post-It and drops
the book as Fred stirs and grumbles his way awake. AP shuts the briefcase, but
too late to escape detection.)
FRED: What are you doing in my briefcase, Andrew?
AP: Uuuhhhh... Looking for Post-Its! I needed a few for an
experiment I'm working on cos if I don't mark which is which I'm gonna...
FRED: Okay, okay, that's enough! Now can I go back to my nap
without worrying about you rocking the house on its foundations?
AP: Sure, dad! (big grin)
FRED: I don't know about you sometimes, Andrew.
AP: No one does! That's half the fun! (Fred groans and
settles down. AP steels himself, then...) Dad?
FRED: (eyes still closed) -*What*-, Andrew?
AP: I met your sisters, but I never met any of Mom's family.
Doesn't she have any brothers or sisters anywhere?
FRED: (emphatic) No. And keep an eye on your mother if she
ever starts mentioning ... things like that. It could be signs that she's
getting unstable again.
AP: (looking askance at his dad this time) Right, Dad. Sure.
I'll see you later.
(Fred settles down to his nap as AP tromps up to his room.)
*** Now talking in #dv8s
*** Topic is 'If you wanted affection, buy a puppy. We
bite.'
*** Set by Purple_Peril on Jun 27
<Psycho-Maverick> Hey ho, Purple Peril...
<Purple_Peril> Salutations, Maverick. You 'sound'
dubious about something.
<Psycho-Maverick> I am, kinda.
<Purple_Peril> Do I have to *pry* it out of you?
<Psycho-Maverick> Noooo... see, you know I thought MOm
didn't have any sis' or bros or anything?
<Purple_Peril> Yeah. Turns out she does or something?
<Psycho-Maverick> Yeah. In ENGALND.
<Purple_Peril> *chuckle* Your typing sometimes...
<Psycho-Maverick> I'm upset, K? I got the news that I
got an uncle!
<Psycho-Maverick> & 7 cousins!
<Psycho-Maverick> IN *
<Purple_Peril> Okay, okay, calm down.
<Psycho-Maverick> But dad lied to me about it too! he
said that mom didn't nave any bros or anythign & if she told me she did he
might have yer locked up!
<Purple_Peril> CHILL!
<Purple_Peril> You know where these people live?
<Psycho-Maverick> Yeah. They don't have a phone or an
email or anything, so I guess I better send a telegram or sommethign.
<Purple_Peril> To...?
<Psycho-Maverick> Let em know i'm coming! I gotta MEET
em, Peril!
<Purple_Peril> Well ... I'm sure there are B&Bs in
... wherever.
<Purple_Peril> We can do that, sure.
<Psycho-Maverick> Cool! & uit;s ... Ottery St
Catchpole.
<Purple_Peril> Ottery ... St Catchpole?
<Psycho-Maverick> Yeah! Heard of it?
<Purple_Peril> Think Lorna mentioned it. Once.
<Purple_Peril> What are their names? I never did ask
Carol's maiden.
<Psycho-Maverick> Says here Weasley. Arthur and Molly
Weasley.
<Purple_Peril> O_O
<Psycho-Maverick> ?
<Purple_Peril> Nothing. Just something I saw
somewhere.
<Purple_Peril> I have to go. I have to make a call.
<Purple_Peril> Pizza King. Eight.
*** Purple_Peril has quit #dv8s (Quit: "Beautify
<Psycho-Maverick> ...you have a DSL connection...
<Psycho-Maverick> Drat.
(Scene: Pizza King, evening. AP is sitting at their booth,
poking ice to the bottom of a cup of soda with his straw. Enter Jane,
sketchbook under her arm. She stops short when she sees AP.)
JANE: She called you too, huh?
AP: Nah. -*I*- was on IRC with her.
JANE: Oh. (beat) AP, you know there -*is*- a little
invention called the phone? Very convenient, and you don't have to push as many
buttons?
AP: Well, yeah, but my phone line's always tied up with the
'puter anyway. Besides, typing I can do. With a spell check. It's handwriting
that's a bitch.
JANE: I gotta give you that. (sits down) So do you know
what's going on this time?
AP: Nope. Not a clue. You expect -*me*- to know? (bitter
grumble) I mean, I've only been her best friend since we were running around
keeping Chris Hutchins from beating the crap outta us...
JANE: Well, if it makes you feel any better, she's hiding
stuff from her own sister.
AP: Been there, done that...
JANE: Ate the T-shirt?
AP: Ha. (beat) Seriously. Mom just told me I have an uncle
and some cousins in
JANE: (blink) Another mystery afoot? Sheesh, when are we
calling in Robert Stack?
AP: Dunno, but I think it's beginning to suck.
(enter
JANE: Oh, she had to get around Quinn ... something about,
if she can be in a school play, she -*must*- want to look good -*some*- of the
time. She's gonna rat out Quinn's last scheme for staying out past curfew and
wait for the fireworks, then run like hell.
AP: Purple Peril? What's going on? I mean, what happened to
that tour of the
JANE: Yeah. I hope you realise I'm only going along on this
(Enter Daria, looking annoyed, carrying a bag.)
DARIA: I'm staying at one of your houses tonight, no
questions asked.
DARIA: Somehow I got blamed for the window breaking.
JANE: Whoa! You went -*
DARIA: I didn't -*do*- anything...
(Flashback to Morgendorffer living room. Daria steps
downstairs with Quinn trailing after her, arms flailing as she rants.)
QUINN: Daria, you don't under-*stand*-! When you were in
that school play thing, you had to wear makeup and look attractive, right?
DARIA: If by "attractive", you mean something the
audience could immediately dismiss to get on to the actual acting ... correct.
QUINN: Look, even -*you*- have to admit that they made you
look -*better*- and everything. So can't you see that you -*should*- have to
look good -*normally*-?
DARIA: "Normally"? I never thought I'd hear you
admit that there are special occasions where fashion can take a firm backseat.
QUINN: EWW! Don't you know me at all, Daria?
DARIA: Unfortunately, yes. But on the plus side, knowing
your opponent is an advantage in any battle of wits, even when your opponent is
practically unarmed.
QUINN: (probably didn't understand it; moving on) Anyway,
It's not like that freaky
DARIA: (frowning; raising her arms slightly to emphasise her
own outfit) Excuse me...
QUINN: I mean, she goes around being -*rude*- to people and
-*fine*-, maybe she -*did*- help me get some money for some new clothes and I
guess she -*did*- make sure you got -*some*- kind of boyfriend by talking to
that ... that -*thing*- you were seeing... (Daria frowns again and begins to
clench her fists. She is, quite obviously, approaching that state known as
Grand High Piss-Off.) But I mean, -*seriously*-, I don't know -*why*- you hang
out with her; she's a -*psycho*-!
DARIA: Maybe because, unlike -*some*- of my blood relatives,
she doesn't railroad over everything I have to say.
QUINN: Well, if you even -*listened*- to me ever, you'd have
a -*lot*- more friends. Instead of that freaky art girl and that psycho other
sister and that ... that -*thing*-.
(Daria's fists clench that little bit tighter and two
windows behind Quinn shatter. Daria blinks, unclenches her fists and steps back
in the same movement, looking startled and completely confused.)
JAKE: (Offscreen) -*Damnit*-! We just replaced those windows
a -*month*- ago!
QUINN: Don't blame -*me*-, Daddy! (little smirk at Daria) I
bet Daria and that little freak girl who looks like her rigged them to, like,
explode or something.
HELEN: (OS) -*DARIA*-! You get in here right -*now*-, young
lady!
(Daria shoots a shocked look at Quinn, who smirks like a
snake and walks off. End flashback and return to Pizza King, where Jane and AP
are staring at Daria in bewilderment.
JANE: What's with -*her*-?
AP: I'm thinking either trouble in paradise or she's on
the... (cuts his eyes to
DARIA: Actually, things with Ted are fine. That's kind of
the problem. He's basically decided to focus his attentions on his biological
daughter and Quinn's resenting it. Not that she isn't using it to her advantage
when she can, but he's starting to put real pressure on her about Ted. To be
honest, even without today's surprise attack, I'll be glad to get out of the house
for awhile.
JANE: Great idea, seeing as all we know is the date we're
flying out...
DARIA: Yeah; we don't even know how long we're -*staying*-
yet.
DARIA: Dad's starting to get ... persistent. He might not
let me go, the way things are going.
(Daria's turn to look away.)
AP: So what's the plan?
AP: -*What*-?
DARIA/JANE: (unison) Where?
AP: Ottery St Catchpole. That's where my uncle Arthur lives.
DARIA: Since when do -*you*- have an uncle Arthur?
AP: Since forever, seems like, but Mom only told me this
afternoon. Why are we going there?
AP: Butbutbutbutbut...
JANE: Motorbut.
(Daria, Jane and AP facefault at her.
DARIA: Okay. And we leave in two days?
JANE: You're buying.
(
(Scene: Heathrow airport. Lorna waiting -- she's in
eveningwear, her hair's a little tousled and her makeup is ever so slightly
smudged. AP struggling with a luggage cart behind a sick-looking Daria, an
excited Jane and an outwardly calm Lynn, who raises an eyebrow at Lorna's
appearance.)
LORNA: Oh, I -*could*- have, probably, but it's the
proliferation of sensitive new-age men. They just don't feel right unless they
get to serve the lady tea in the morning.
DARIA: Tea sounds really, -*really*- good right about now.
JANE: Could you maybe just drop me off at Tate Modern? I
hear there's a Hirst exhibit...
LORNA: Sorry, but you'll have to get there yourself. By the
time we get back, I'll have -*just*- enough time to shower and make myself
presentable before I meet my appointment and then I -*have*- stop by the bank
-- those irritating little goblins are giving me gyp about my business account.
(She snatches the luggage cart from AP and stalks off. Daria
looks at Lynn a little oddly.)
DARIA: Irritating little ... goblins?
LYNN: (sounding tired) Don't the British have the most
interesting expressions?
(With that, she stalks off after Lorna. Jane *poing*s off
after her, visions of bisected cows in tanks of formaldehyde dancing in her
head. AP, equally oblivious, follows them and Daria, after shaking off the
seriousness with which Lorna mentioned goblins, does the same.)
(Scene: Smythe living room. Daria steps out of a room and
into the hallway, noticing Lynn and Lorna seated in the living room, having a
quiet conversation. Daria, frowning, inches closer.)
LORNA: I take it you -*still*- haven't told them?
LYNN: And it's the easiest thing in the world to break to
people? Think what we're -*related*- to.
LORNA: Dear girl. Even the most oblivious get the news with
that silly yellow letter, or at least one just like it, when they turn eleven.
You weren't granted the same dubious courtesy, or even an owl from your father,
but they should at least know. It's not as though they're Mug...
(And Jane slams out the same door, nearly knocking into
Daria.)
JANE: Whoops.
(Daria turns to the living room. The conversation has
officially broken up. Daria slams a fist onto the floor, at which Jane raises
an eyebrow.)
(Scene: the Intrepid Fox, Soho -- a pub. Its main features
are a] scarred wood furniture b] rock band posters covering every square inch
of wall c] leftover Hallowe'en decorations and d] statuary made out of old auto
parts -- a spider hovering over the bar and a crucifixion scene in the corner.
It's next to this latter that Daria, Jane and AP are sitting.)
AP: "Mugs"?
DARIA: Well, that's how they've been treating us. And I
can't think of any other way of finishing the word.
AP: -*Mug*-gee, -*mug*-gyver, -*mug*-gruff?
JANE: Don't make it painful. (to the stares) Big men in dog
suits and trenchcoats... (she shivers)
DARIA: (let’s move on from this) -*Anyway*-. It's the
comment about the owl that confused me ... unless the Smythe family business is
a bird sanctuary.
JANE: Who knows? Maybe it's a family expression.
DARIA: (raised eyebrow) You mean like "goblins" at
the bank?
AP: Well, what else is it gonna be? I mean, it's not like
there are gonna be real goblins or real owls, right?
DARIA: I guess you're right. But this is one strange thing
too many.
LYNN: (approaching with drinks) This is London. There are no
limits to the strange things that go on around here.
AP: We weren't talking about that; we were talking about...
JANE: (interrupting but not changing the subject, exactly)
Hey, how long a drive is it to Ottery St Catchpole?
LYNN: A few hours; why?
DARIA: Good. That gives you a captive audience while you
tell us what's been going on with you lately.
LYNN: Well, you'll be a captive audience, all right, but I somehow
doubt that's what you'll be listening to from me. (to the quizzical look)
Remember what I had to say the -*last*- time I drove in this country?
(Off Daria's "Oh, Christ, I wish I didn't" look,
smash cut to...)
(Scene: the open road. Lorna's yellow van roars past at a
speed that far exceeds the posted speed limit.)
(Scene: Van interior. Lynn driving. Daria shotgun. Jane and
AP in the back with the luggage. The three passengers are looking a little
pale; Lynn's slightly flushed but calming faster than the others are.)
LYNN: Feeling better?
DARIA: What is it with you and British roads? You're fine in
Lawndale...
LYNN: Ever seen me at Seven Corners?
DARIA: No...
AP: And you don't wanna, believe me. The swearing's a little
better but it's more with the near-death. She once came close to rear-ending
some goofball of a guy in a red jeep.
DARIA & JANE: Kevin.
LYNN: Well, he deserved it. He just plain stopped...
JANE: STOP THE CAR!
(Scene: open fields. Van stops and Jane leaps out the back.
Daria, Lynn and AP follow, bewildered. Jane has dragged out with some pastels
and a sketchpad.)
DARIA: Muse attack. I should've known.
JANE: I never see fields like this back home! We're almost
there; it's not like we're going to be late!
(She steps into the field and approaches some hedges,
looking around. She turns to the others.)
JANE: This is a perfect spot; I swear, it'll take five
minutes ... well, maybe fifteen. I want to sketch that weird-looking house
over...
(She starts pointing to a really eclectic-looking house and
is hit full in the face by something small, brown and screaming. Jane starts
screaming herself as the others step back -- even Lynn is nonplussed.)
GNOME: Gerroff me! Gerroff me!
JANE: You gerroff -*me*-! I mean -*get*- off me!
(As Jane manages to grab a hold of the gnome and fling it
off behind her, a red-haired boy looks over the hedges and facefaults.)
BOY: Oh, bugger ... uh ... (the boy raises a wand and points
it at Jane.)
JANE: What the...
LYNN: (panic; she knows what he's about to do) Oh, for the
love of God, Weasely, don't...
BOY: Obliviate!
(Jane's face suddenly takes on a blank look.)
LYNN: (resigned) ...use a Memory Charm...
DARIA: (running over to Jane, concerned) Jane? JANE?
JANE: I'm standing in a field. (beat) Why am I standing in a
field?
LYNN: (to the boy) Which one are you?
BOY: George. Who're -*you*-?
LYNN: Lynn Cullen ... Smythe. One of your visitors. She's a
-*witch*-, you ... pillock!
GEORGE: You what?
DARIA: Lynn? What medication did you not take?
(Fred and Ron run over to join George at the hedges.)
RON: Oh, George, you know we're not supposed to do magic
outside school! You'll have us in it up to our necks! And what are you doing
carrying your wand around -*anyway*-?
FRED: After that business at the World Cup, Ron? Are you
-*mental*-?
GEORGE: And you think the Ministry -*wants*- Muggles running
around telling people about being hit by garden gnomes? And I don't mean those
miniature Father Christmases.
LYNN: She's Muggle-born, yes, but she's not a Muggle, you
... you daft prat!
DARIA: What's a Muggle? What are you talking about? (beat)
And I take it you're the Weasleys?
AP: -*You're*- my cousins? (beat; looking at the three
freckle-faced redheads) I guess I can see that, yeah.
LYNN: (to Daria, Jane and AP) Okay, I'll give you the
basics. We're witches. Well, apart from you, AP; you're a wizard. And this ...
this -*pillock*- just wiped Jane's memory.
GEORGE: I wasn't to know, was I? I mean, you all look ...
well, so much like Muggles!
AP: What in the name of whatever is a -*Muggle*-? I'm not
-*that*- bad with words...
JANE: (still dazed) I didn't get drunk again, did I? I
-*said*- I was never going to drink again...
LYNN: Can we explain this inside? I think Jane needs
caffeine ... or a Wit-Sharpening potion ... or -*something*-.
FRED: Yeah ... that'd be right. Come on, you lot.
GEORGE: Yeah, c'mon; I think we -*all*- have some explaining
to do.
(Scene: The Burrow. Fred and Ron enter the house, followed
by Daria and Lynn, who are supporting a dazed-looking Jane. George and AP
follow them. Molly looks up from her cooking with a smile.)
MOLLY: Oh, you're here! I'm ever so glad to meet you
finally, Andrew dear...
AP: Uh ... I like AP. It's a nickname.
MOLLY: Oh. Sorry. Uh ... is something the matter with your
friend?
FRED: We thought she was a Muggle!
GEORGE: -*We*- didn't know we were having visitors!
FRED: Even -*she*- didn't know she was a witch; how were
-*we*- supposed to?
GEORGE: We were degnoming and she got one of Ron's in the
face.
FRED: We needed to practice 'Obliviate' anyway, so if the
Restriction of Underage Magic people come calling...
MOLLY: But ... she didn't -*know*-?
LYNN: (guilt personified) None of them did. Except for me.
DARIA: Wait. -*ALL*- of us? You're telling us we're a wizard
and three witches?
LYNN: I -*said*-, didn't I?
DARIA: I was a little more worried about Jane than you
saying weird stuff about 'Muggles', Lynn.
JANE: But there's no such -*thing*- as witches, Daria. You
and Lynn -*proved*- that ... right?
DARIA: Case. Rested.
MOLLY: Oh dear. Perhaps I should let Arthur explain this to
you. I'll just contact him by Floo; I'm sure the Ministry won't mind if this is
an emergency...
(Molly bustles distractedly out of the room, leaving Ron,
Fred and George staring at the new arrivals.)
RON: So you're our cousin?
AP: Yeah. Dad's an accountant for a firm somewhere in the
US.
FRED: -*He*- must be the one we don't talk about!
GEORGE: No, that's a -*second*- cousin.
AP: No, Mom's your dad's sister.
RON: What, the one that never sends owls to Dad anymore?
AP: 'Owls'? The only owl I've ever seen really close is the
stuffed one in Dad's office.
(Ron, Fred and George look at each other.)
GEORGE: It ... wasn't a barn owl, was it?
FRED: About a six-foot wingspan?
GEORGE: Little white spot on its forehead?
AP: Yeah...
FRED: The git killed Raine!
GEORGE: Last time we saw that owl was after Dad sent her out
to Aunt Carol. He'd invited her to visit. We were really little and no one got
why Dad never got word back.
FRED: Dad thought she'd died or something. (beat) Your
father's a pillock, you know that?
DARIA: I'm not sure exactly what a "pillock" is,
but I can only assume that it's too soft a term for what Fred McIntyre is.
FRED: He's called -*what*-? (beat) I never -*used*- to hate
my name, but with -*that*- pillock using it...
AP: (looking really guilty) Uhh...
GEORGE: Well, we can always just call you Gred.
FRED: Shut it, Forge.
RON: (let's change the subject) And you're Lynn and Daria
Smythe?
DARIA: Morgendorffer.
LYNN: Yes.
FRED: Dad mentions your dad sometimes. You don't hear much
about Aurors in Misuse of Muggle Artefacts, but the Order of the Phoenix is
historical and that!
DARIA: Order of the... No. I at least know all those words.
Aurors?
RON: Dark wizard-hunters. Since You-Know-Who has been on the
rise again...
DARIA: -*I*- don't know who...
LYNN: Lord Voldemort. (Ron, Fred and George flinch) The most
powerful Dark wizard in a thousand years. He's back and his main ambition is to
kill Harry Potter -- 'The Boy Who Lived'. (to Daria's lost look) It's in all
the history books, but Dad told me most of this awhile ago.
RON: And if he kills Harry, he'll go on to take over the
wizarding world!
JANE: I don't get this. You're telling me that there are
witches and wizards all over the place and one of them is set to take over the
world. And I'm supposed to -*believe*- this? It all sounds like something out
of a book.
FRED: We'd show you, but...
GEORGE: We're not supposed to use magic outside of school.
LYNN: You used a Memory Charm on Jane and the Ministry has
yet to beat a path to your door. Trust me; it'll be fine. Or, if you're
-*that*- worried...
(Lynn grabs George's wand, which he never let go of, and
waves it at a milk jug on the table.)
LYNN: Wingardium Leviosa!
(The milk jug rises into the air, somewhat shakily. Daria,
AP and Jane just stare.)
RON: Wicked! I had the worst time with that one to start
with.
AP: Uh ... do I wanna know how you did that? (beat) Oh,
hell, what am I saying, of COURSE I wanna know how you did that!
LYNN: You'll learn. You can do this too, if you put your
mind to it.
JANE: Whoa. Cool!
LYNN: Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the wizarding world.
(Enter a tired-looking Arthur Weasley with Molly.)
ARTHUR: Hallo... (spots AP) Um...
AP: Hey ho, Uncle Arthur!
ARTHUR: ...Uncle...? You must be ... Carol's boy. Andrew,
isn't it?
AP: AP, actually. But yeah, that'd be me. And that's my ...
um ... friend Lynn, her sister Daria, and Jane.
DARIA: Hey.
JANE: Yo!
LYNN: Nice meeting you, sir. Dad talks about you.
FRED: She's Jerome Smythe's daughter.
ARTHUR: Oh my. I suppose we have some things to talk about.
Molly?
MOLLY: Uh ... why don't you go through to the sitting room
and I'll make tea. Ginny?
GINNY: Oh, but -*Mum*-...
MOLLY: But me no buts, young lady.
(Molly keeps a hand on Ginny's shoulder as the entire gang
move out of the kitchen.)
(Scene: Weasely sitting room. Daria, Jane, Lynn AP have
crammed themselves onto the sofa. Arthur is seated tiredly in an armchair. Ron,
Fred and George have taken seats on the floor.)
ARTHUR: So how much has been explained to you all?
JANE: Well, -*most*- of us don't know -*anything*-. Hell,
I'd be happy enough to know how I -*got*- here.
ARTHUR: Well ... it appears -*you're*- a Muggle-born. It's a
little surprising, I grant you, that you all got together, but I suppose like
calls to like.
DARIA: And ... the Order of the Phoenix?
LYNN: It's a group of Aurors -- the dark wizard hunters
mentioned earlier. They were set up by my grandfather Gerald some years back.
They called him the Phoenix because of ... well, you won't know about Animagi
yet, but let's just say he could turn -*into*- one. The Smythes were the
founders of that group of Aurors and we've been involved with them ever since.
AP: (grinning) It's like the Force, isn't it? (to the looks)
Well, it -*is*-! Magic runs -*strong*- in your family.
ARTHUR: So it would appear.
DARIA: Let me get this straight. You're a witch. And yet you
need guns to defend yourself?
FRED: "Guns"?
RON: Metal wands Muggles use to kill each other. Remember,
from the Prophet report on Sirius Black?
LYNN: (sigh) I'm a witch with no wand, little training and
against a Muggle under the Imperius curse?
AP: The -*who*-?
ARTHUR: Well, you see, there are three Unforgivable Curses.
Imperio puts you under the control of the person who casts it on you.
JANE: We're lucky Ms. Li couldn't use that one.
LYNN: Why do you think Li did what she did in the first
place?
(They all facefault.)
AP: She ... she ... who ... muuuuuh...
ARTHUR: It would have been a Death Eater that did that to
your headmistress.
JANE: Death. It's what's for dinner?
LYNN: Servants of Voldemort.
(Weasleys wince.)
FRED: Say 'You-Know-Who', will you?
LYNN: Why? It's just a name.
AP: (grin) "That which we call a rose"...
DARIA: That's not your line, AP.
LYNN: Can we stay on the subject, please?
DARIA: So. Three Unforgivable Curses. What are the other two
like?
ARTHUR: One -- Crucio -- is pain. The other...
LYNN: Avada Kedavra. Instant death.
JANE: The wizarding equivalent of a nuke?
LYNN: No, more specific. And a lot harder to arm. There's no
fighting that one ... but the Order started by teaching me how to defend myself
against Muggles under the Imperius curse. So that the Jackboot Affair didn't
happen again.
JANE: Whoa.
ARTHUR: And now I suppose it's time for -*all*- of you to
learn how to use the powers you have.
LYNN: I have a question. Why Hogwarts? Why not one of the
American schools?
ARTHUR: Ah. Well. Uh. Mostly because most of you have family
here.
JANE: Maybe -*all*- of us. Dad was talking about doing Welsh
landscapes again...
LYNN: Jane, you don't think your dad...
JANE: Well, he's new age enough... (looks around the place)
But that doesn't seem to be a criteria.
ARTHUR: And because ... well ... we can help you catch up a
bit. So you can join Ron's year at least.
FRED: You -*will*- explain who this ... Ms Li, you said?
LYNN: Sure. If you're not afraid of total mayhem.
RON: -*Afraid*- of? They -*thrive*- on it!
AP: Wizard mischief-makers! Kick!
GEORGE: We recently got ... some funding ... for Weasley's
Wizard Wheezes.
ARTHUR: Oh, -*George*-...
FRED: Ton-Tongue Toffees...
(The twins share a snicker with Ron over what they did to
Dudley...)
GEORGE: Canary Creams...
RON: (aside to the erstwhile Muggles) You really have to
have a care what you eat here.
(Lynn gives an evil smirk)
AP: I want in too!
JANE: God help the wizarding world...
DARIA: Bit late for that, it seems.
ARTHUR: Oh -*dear*-... Just ... don't let your mother
know...
LYNN: I have a book these guys have to read.
GEORGE: Can you work around 'Accio'?
AP: Hell, she can work around -*FBI*-.
(Blank looks from the Weasleys.)
LYNN: Never mind. I think we all need some down time. Can we
start the lessoning tomorrow?
RON: Sure! But ... are you sure the Restriction of
Underage...?
ARTHUR: Oh, that's all sorted out already.
FRED: Wow, Dad! How'd you manage -*that*-?
(Enter Molly, a little -*too*- well-timed...)
MOLLY: I made the tea! Oh, do leave them to rest a little,
Arthur! They've come a long way today.
(Arthur shoots a grateful look at Molly; everyone looks
suspicious.)
(Scene: Ginny's room. Ginny's fast asleep in her own bed;
Daria, Jane and Lynn are in sleeping bags on the floor [there's not enough
space in Ginny's room for three camp beds]. They're still awake, staring at the
ceiling and talking softly.)
DARIA: So why haven't we done anything ... I don't know ...
magical ... before?
LYNN: What I got told was that we sometimes -*have*-. When
we were scared, hurt or angry...
(They muse over this point for a moment.)
DARIA: So when that stupid cabin in the woods nearly
collapsed and killed us both...
LYNN: Probably us.
DARIA: Well, if this whole wizarding world thing doesn't
work out, I could make a fortune in the demolition business. (beat) And you
with your "I have a feeling that something incredibly stupid's going to
happen" over that dance...
LYNN: Oh, please. We were living in -*Lawndale*-. That
wasn't a prediction; -*that*- was a sure thing.
DARIA: Jane? How about you? Ever do anything...
JANE: Who knows? It's not like I had parents around keeping
tabs on me when I was growing up. I could have levitated the house into the
ionosphere and the only reaction I'd have got was Trent rasping "Hey, man,
what a cool dream" and going back to sleep.
LYNN: (shrug) Well, whichever way you look at it, whether we
did weird things as kids or not...
DARIA: Oh, I think it's safe to say that we -*all*- did
weird things as kids. It's whether they could be considered 'magical' that's at
issue here.
LYNN: ...The point -*is*-, we're here now. And this is what
we have to work with. (*sigh*) I am beyond jetlagged -- it's been a day. Night,
you two.
(She rolls over and falls asleep as Daria and Jane continue
to stare at the ceiling, pondering.)
JANE: What're you thinking -*now*-?
(pause)
DARIA: As much as I hate to say it ... this is probably
going to be cool. (beat) You?
JANE: This is going to be -*damn*- cool. (beat) Except for
the whole Death Eater thing.
DARIA: And to think you were once so set on finding the
silver lining.
JANE: (smirk) 'Night, witch.
DARIA: Good e'en, oh foul and secret midnight hag.
(Jane chuckles and they both close their eyes.)
(Scene: Ron's room. AP's asleep in a camp bed next to Ron's
empty bed. All of a sudden, there's a -*crashclatter*- and several small
explosions. AP jumps upright.)
AP: AAAAAAAAAGH! WhadIleave? WhadIleave? Wh...uh?
(He scrubs a hand through his hair as the door opens and Ron
sticks his head in.)
RON: Alright then?
AP: What the -*hell*-?
RON: The clattering's the ghoul in the attic. He thinks it
gets boring first thing in the morning.
AP: And the...
(Something goes *BOOM* and there's a sound of falling roof
tiles.)
MOLLY: (OS) FRED! GEORGE! ENOUGH!
AP: (wide-eyed) They make stuff blow up?
RON: Oh, nothing to worry about, but sometimes...
AP: (-*big*- grin) Great! (bounds out of bed) Hey Fred!
George! Whatcha using?
(AP scrambles out of the room. Ron looks very confused.)
(Scene: Weasley kitchen. Molly's dishing out porridge into
bowls. Percy is looking over the Prophet.)
MOLLY: Well, what do you want to go looking at flats for?
Percy, -*this*- is your home!
PERCY: Mother, this place is bursting at the seams. And with
everything that's going on at the Ministry ... trying to get to grips with Mr
Crouch's replacement ... I -*need*- my own space! Bill and Charlie have their
own private residences...
MOLLY: Oh, Percy dear, please don't think that we want you
out because you think it's inconvenient...
PERCY: But Mother, I don't want to stay just because my
-*leaving*- would be inconvenient. I know the gold coming in makes things
easier...
MOLLY: Oh, Percy, don't be ridiculous; we'll manage, same as
we always have. If moving is really going to make you happy...
(*BANG!* *fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* *POP-POP-POP*
*BOOOOOM!* and the flat *thwack* of a door blown off its hinges hitting the
floor. Then, after a shocked silence, there is laughter.)
GEORGE: (OS) That was -*incredible*-, AP!
FRED: (OS) Yeah, Snape won't know what hit him!
MOLLY: RON! FRED! GEORGE! DOWNSTAIRS -*NOW*-! (beat; kindly)
And you too, AP dear!
(Enter Ginny, who pulls up a chair and starts pouring
treacle into her porridge.)
GINNY: Lynn's up there with the boys. They blew the -*door*-
right off. And they wouldn't let me in.
MOLLY: (puffing up) Just as we-- What on -*earth*- would you
want to go -*in*- there for?
GINNY: To see what's going -*on*-!
(Daria and Jane clump in. Molly goes from stunned to beaming
in 0.2 seconds.)
MOLLY: Good morning, dears; breakfast's on the table.
(She bustles off to the whistle of a tea kettle. Daria and
Jane sit down and the clump-clump-clump of several sets of feet come down the
stairs. Ron, Fred, George and AP descend upon the table like a plague of
oversized locusts; Lynn follows behind at a more sedate pace.)
GINNY: So what were you -*doing*- up there?
MOLLY: -*Ginny*-!
FRED: Don't worry, Mum; we weren't going to -*tell*- her!
GEORGE: Sorry, little sister, but Mum'd kill us.
FRED: Anyway, we want to keep the baby of the family safe!
GINNY: I'm -*not*- a baby, Fred; I'm -*fifteen*-!
GEORGE: And we want to make sure you reach -*sixteen*-.
DARIA: Jane, you have the biggest family of all of us. Are
they -*always*- like this?
JANE: How should I know? Most of mine scattered to the four
winds before I really knew -*what*- they were like.
MOLLY: Oh, how -*dreadful*-! (with a pointed look at Percy)
It must be -*horrible*- to live away from the ones you love, without a real
family around...
JANE: Actually, it's more horrible -*with*- a real family
around. The phone's never free, the place is -*packed*- with people talking and
yelling and hitting each other with foam rubber bats, never a room to call your
own...
PERCY: That's -*exactly*- my point, Mother!
MOLLY: (scowling) Well, we're -*different*-!
PERCY: Yes. Here there are -*explosions*-.
DARIA: Speaking of family ... how are we supposed to explain
all of this to our parents?
JANE: Daria, my only question is how I'm supposed to
-*find*- my parents.
DARIA: You have it easy. And Lynn and AP's parents
presumably know all about this. I just can't see Mom and Dad being very
accepting of British schools or having a witch for a daughter.
MOLLY: Oh, don't worry, dear. Your parents will receive an
owl from Hogwarts explaining everything.
RON: Most Muggle parents get used to it quick enough.
Hermione Granger's parents did.
DARIA: And if my parents decide not to take the word of an
... owl?
MOLLY: Well ... I ... suppose I don't know, exactly. Not
that it's the owl itself they'll have to believe, but the letter the owl's
carrying...
(Speaking of owls, a massive one flies through the window
and drops a letter at Lynn's place, circling the table and flying off again
without once touching solid ground. Lynn frowns and tears the letter open, and
her eyes widen.)
DARIA: Lynn?
LYNN: It's from Dad.
MOLLY: Not bad news, I hope...
LYNN: Not for -*us*-, anyway. But I'm not sure it's so good
for Jake and Helen... Or for Fred and Carol, for that matter.
(Daria frowns at Lynn; Lynn just hands over the letter. AP
gets up and reads over her shoulder. Both of them look at Lynn with wide eyes.)
FRED & GEORGE: (avid unison) What?
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake, as per usual, behind a
paper. Helen working on papers. Quinn quietly eating behind a fashion magazine.
Helen looks up with an expression that reads "I just thought of
something...")
HELEN: Jake ... did Daria say anything to you about when she'd
be coming -*back*- from that place in England ... Ottery St somewhere? I mean,
after that -*silly*- thing with the owl...
JAKE: (still behind the paper) Damn flying vermin...
HELEN: (getting frustrated) You're thinking of -*pigeons*-,
Jake, and... Oh, will you put that paper -*down*-?
JAKE: I'm trying to -*remember*-, Helen! Please! (doorbell
rings) Who could -*that*- be?
QUINN: (getting up) I'll get it!
(Scene: Morgendorffer front hall. Quinn opens the door and
sees Jerome standing there. His hands are in his pockets and he looks a little
sheepish ... but he relaxes slightly when he sees Quinn.)
JEROME: Good day; I'm Jerome... And you must be Quinn. You've
been blessed with your mother's looks.
QUINN: What do -*you*- want? And who -*are*- you, anyway? I
mean, like, it's weird -*enough*- at home right now with Daria's stupid joke
with the owl and everything...
JEROME: (back to sheepish) Ah, I take it the Hogwarts letter
arrived.
QUINN: You're -*not*- telling me that's for -*real*-! I
mean, -*God*-, I stopped believing in that -*magic*- stuff when the love spells
in "Waif" didn't work!
JEROME: It might be wise for you to re-evaluate that
opinion, m'lady.
QUINN: Oh, I'm -*through*- talking to -*you*-... MUH--*OM*-!
THERE'S THIS -*FREAK*- OF A GUY NAMED JEROME OUT HERE AND HE HELPED WITH THAT
STUPID -*OWL*- JOKE!
HELEN: (OS) -*WHAT*-?
(She and Jake both appear at the door behind Quinn a few
seconds later, and they both freeze when they spot Jerome.)
JAKE: Who are -*you*-?
HELEN: J-J-Jerome? What are -*you*- doing here?
JAKE: -*This*- is Jerome?
JEROME: I'm here to speak to you about Daria. And her new
school.
JAKE: What the hell's wrong with the school she's in
-*now*-?
JEROME: (slight sneer) It's American, isn't it? That speaks
for itself.
QUINN: Waitaminit. You mean Daria's going away to -*boarding
school*-? This is -*great*-! I can finally get that walk-in closet now!
HELEN: Quinn, we are -*not*- turning Daria's room into
closet space. (turning to Jerome) Now explain to me -*exactly*- what Daria's
supposed to be learning at this Hogwarts place that she couldn't learn right
here?
JEROME: In a word ... magic.
(long pause)
QUINN: I -*so*- want to not have to believe you.
JAKE: You -*don't*- have to believe him! I mean, what proof
do we have that this man isn't some ... some sort of bird-loving lunatic?
HELEN: Now, Jake, maybe we should...
JAKE: We -*should*- just call the police and make him give
my kiddo back! Damnit, Helen, who knows what kind of crap he's filling Daria's
head with? (He grabs Jerome; Jerome shoves him back) Look, you bastard! I want
my kiddo back, and if I have to beat where she is out of you...
JEROME: (sigh; whips out his wand) Petrificus Totalus!
(Jake freezes up and falls flat on his face. Quinn and Helen
scream. Jerome kicks Jake onto his back and looks down at him.)
HELEN: Jer--ohmygod! Jake! What did you -*do*- to him?
JEROME: Perhaps now we can have a civilised conversation
like two mature adults. (beat) Oh, don't fret; I'll unfreeze your husband when
we're through, no harm done. And I had to do -*something*- to prove that magic
exists, didn't I? How else would you believe that your daughter's capable of
similar acts?
HELEN: You mean -*my*- daughter is a ... a...
QUINN: I always -*knew*- she was a freak, but this...?
(beat) Does that mean I'm one too?
JEROME: Hardly. Apparently, this particular trait appears on
my side of the family.
QUINN: Oh. (something really nasty hits) That -*Lynn*- girl
too?
JEROME: Most assuredly.
QUINN: We're all gonna die, aren't we?
HELEN: Quinn!
QUINN: No ... no, you don't understand. The only person I
can think of who it'd be -*worse*- if they had magic would be that ...
-*thing*- Daria was seeing once. That AP freak.
JEROME: AP McIntyre, you mean? (nasty little Mona Lisa
smirk) He's attending Hogwarts this year as well.
(Quinn whimpers and flees for her room. Helen, meanwhile,
has finally managed to shake the shock.)
HELEN: All right ... if Daria needs a ... a -*special*-
school... Where-*is*- this place, anyway?
JEROME: The town is called Hogsmeade, Helen. It's on the
England/Scotland border. She'll have the best education England can provide
from a magical perspective.
HELEN: And what about her -*real*- education, Jerome, did
you think of -*that*-? What about -*college*-?
JEROME: M'dear, I attended Hogwarts for the full seven
years, and I was admitted to Harvard. Daria will be more than qualified to
attend any university that takes her fancy. What she lacks of Muggle teaching,
she can make up herself; from all I hear, she's an autodidactic little thing.
HELEN: (grudging) Well, she takes after -*you*- that way.
JEROME: She'll likely send an owl for you in a few days. Be
easy in your mind, Helen.
(He smiles slightly at her, then turns to leave.)
HELEN: (slight panic) -*Jerome*-! (he turns back) What about
Jake?
(Jerome blinks, then smirks apologetically.)
JEROME: (pointing his wand at Jake's chest) Enervate.
(Jake sits up screaming. Helen flinches backwards until Jake
gets hold of himself, then helps him up. By the time she's dragged Jake to his
feet, Jerome is gone -- likely Disapparated. Jake looks at Helen, his face
confused and angry.)
JAKE: (through clenched teeth) Explain. This. NOW.
(Helen sighs and leads him into the house.)
(Scene: McIntyre household. Jerome Apparates on the front
doorstep and rings the doorbell. Ten seconds pass, and the door is opened by
Carol.)
CAROL: (slow as always) Oh ... hello. (beat) May I help you?
(Jerome blinks loudly and proceeds to watch her very
carefully.)
JEROME: Good afternoon, Carol. I'm Jerome Smythe -- perhaps
you remember me? (after a moment of Carol's blank stare, he sighs and gives up)
I'm here to speak to you about your son.
CAROL: (after a short pause) Oh. Andrew. Yes. (beat) I hope
he's not in trouble at school again.
JEROME: Carol ... it's July. (slightly sotto) For two
Sickles, I'd have you in St Mungo's right now.
CAROL: (even more blank than usual) Where?
JEROME: (slight sigh) Never mind. Is Frederick at home?
CAROL: One moment, please. (calls into the house) Dear?
Someone wants to speak to you about Andrew's school.
(Enter Fred, who takes one look at Jerome and
unceremoniously steers Carol back into the house.)
FRED: I thought this state was rid of you, you preppie
British freak.
JEROME: Pleasant as always, Frederick.
FRED: It's July; what are you talking about Andrew's school
for?
JEROME: I was referring to his new school, Frederick. Or
haven't you received the owl?
FRED: I shoot owls around this house on sight.
JEROME: (scowl) This one was property of -*Hogwarts*-,
Frederick. That'll cost someone a tidy few Galleons.
(Fred goes white, then brick red)
FRED: You mean that ... that ... -*freak haven*- my wife
came out of? Hell, I knew -*your*- little bookish freak would wind up somewhere
like that, but we...
(Jerome visibly restrains himself from reaching for his wand
-- the Ministry's going to have enough problems with what he did to Jake.)
JEROME: What you will have to do is accept the fact that
your son has been accepted to the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in
the world.
FRED: If I'd have known my son was one of ... of -*those*-,
I'd have...
JEROME: (accusatory) You'd have done -*what*-, Frederick?
Beat the tendency out of him? You'd have found yourself firmly attached to the
ceiling if you'd so much as tried. (-*very*- slight smirk) Or perhaps you'd be
inflated ... though some'd say that it would just be an addition to the hot air
you're already full of.
(Silence as they face each other down.)
FRED: (backing down) What're -*you*- doing being that freak
school's errand-boy, anyway? That ... that world didn't want you for anything
but donkey-work?
JEROME: We happen to believe that your son is destined for
great things, and wouldn't entrust this sort of thing to anyone but the best.
(now he -*does*- pull his wand) Would you like to test me?
FRED: (caving completely) There's a letter from that ...
that damned -*place*-, I suppose?
(Jerome tosses the letter at Fred in a manner that suggests
he'd much prefer embedding it somewhere between a couple of his ribs.)
JEROME: Always a pleasure, Frederick.
(With that, he Disapparates. Fred looks at the letter
ruefully and walks inside with it, slamming the door behind him hard enough to
make the glass set into it rattle.)
(Scene: Ginny's room. Lynn, Daria and Jane are lounging on
their sleeping bags, each with their nose in a book -- Jane's got "The Standard
Book of Spells, Grade 2", Daria's got "Intermediate
Transfiguration" and Lynn's mid-way through "Fantastic Beasts and
Where to Find Them". Lynn's boom box sits on the floor between them,
blaring loudness. Enter Fred, George, Ron and Ginny; they look mystified.)
FRED: Oi, you three! You're going to burn your eyes out.
RON: You don't think they got one of those books you just
can't stop reading, do you?
GEORGE: Nah; we'd've got it all before they did. (walks up
and grabs the book from Jane) Now, take a -*break*-, you lot!
DARIA: (not looking up) We've got a lot to get through
before we get to Hogwarts. You didn't expect us to take it easy, did you?
GINNY: (pointing at the stereo) What -*is*- that, anyway?
LYNN: (also not looking up) Boom box.
GINNY: What, you mean like that thing Fred and George built
for my fifth birthday?
(Now they -*do*- look up, levelling raised eyebrows at Fred
and George.)
DARIA: I seriously doubt it. Unless AP rigged the wiring
again.
JANE: It plays prerecorded music.
RON: That's -*music*-? Weird!
GEORGE: C'mon. Time you got some practical work in.
(The looks are now quite interested.)
(Scene: Weasley garden. Fred and George exit the back door
with Daria, Jane, Lynn and a soot-covered AP in tow. They stare around the
garden; Fred and George look around carefully.)
JANE: We're going to learn Herbology?
FRED: Not really, no.
(He plunges his hands into a bush, which shakes viciously;
from the bush, he produces a gnome.)
GEORGE: We never got to finish degnoming, so we'll use this
to teach you pest control.
RON: (from doorway) How're you going to teach them magic
-*this*- way? You -*know*- we're not supposed to use...
FRED: Special dispensation, remember?
GEORGE: Ickle Ronniekins never -*used*- to miss a trick when
it came to rule-breaking...
FRED: (holding up his gnome) Now who wants to show us how
well they learned a Banishing charm?
(Jane raises an eyebrow with a smirk. George hands her his
wand and she aims it at the gnome.)
JANE: Say bye-bye, Mister Potato-Head...
(Scene: field next to the Burrow. It seems so quiet ...
until the Dopplering scream of a garden gnome travelling at high velocity fills
the air. The gnome flies into shot and becomes buried face-down in a large pile
of sheep muck. Applause is heard from out of shot.)
FRED: (OS) Wow, Jane, that even beats Harry's record!
(Scene: Fred and George's room. It's like a wizard's version
of AP's room -- there are ... well, best just to call them -*things*- ...
scattered everywhere. A bunk bed as rickety as the house is flush up against
the wall; neither bed is made. The wardrobe doors and dresser drawers are open
to various degrees, with robes and what could be describes as Muggle clothes
sticking out. Fred and George usher Daria in, and Daria stares around her.)
DARIA: And I thought the Techno-Weasel den was bad.
FRED: (who doesn't get it) The -*what*-?
GEORGE: (who doesn't have to) The Techno-Weasel Weasley! I
like that!
DARIA: And you've brought me in here just to show off the
extent of your housekeeping skills?
FRED: We thought that this would be the best place to give
you some practice on Summoning charms.
DARIA: Well, there's certainly no shortage of targets...
GEORGE: Just point at something and say "Accio".
Like this. (points at the pillow on one of the beds) Accio!
(The pillow shoots off the bed and George catches it. Fred
hands his wand to Daria and looks at her expectantly. Daria looks around,
looking a little nervous. Eventually she points to the desk vaguely.)
DARIA: Accio!
(Something green, gelatinous and nasty-looking flies off the
desk; she sees it coming and lets it go right past her. It hits Fred in the
face with a *squelch* and sticks there. George gapes at her and she lifts a
hand in a vague and overly belated attempt to stop the gooey thing as in the
canon opening credits. Fred, meanwhile, is struggling to get the thing off his
face.)
(Scene: Weasley paddock. The gang is standing with Fred,
George, Ron and Ginny. Percy is standing off at a distance, obviously as a
chaperone.)
PERCY: I -*still*- think we should wait for Mother and Fa...
FRED: Oh, shut it!
GEORGE: It's alright, Percy; Mum -*said*- that she'd be no
good at these kinds of charms. And Dad's at work.
FRED: So they put -*us*- in charge.
RON: C'mon, Percy; just let us get on with it.
FRED: Right; you'll each need a partner...
GEORGE: We'll start. Daria, you partner Fred. I'll take
Lynn.
FRED: After we've gone, Ron'll take Jane and Ginny'll face
off against our dear cousin.
RON: You're -*joking*-! She's far closer to your style than,
say, Daria; she'll -*massacre*- me!
GEORGE: She'll go easy on you.
JANE: (suspicious) Why are you so set on doing it -*this*-
way, anyway?
FRED: Symmetry.
LYNN: (raised eyebrow) Symmetry.
GINNY: Well, I -*suppose*- ... it would be interesting to
look at...
AP: It would be damn -*scary*- to look at! Why'd you wanna
freak us out that way?
DARIA: Because it's not -*us*- he wants to freak out.
(They -*all*- turn around to look at Percy, who squirms
under the blossoming smirks. Then Ron and Ginny hand their wands to Lynn and
Daria respectively and the two sets of look-alikes face off. Cutting to Percy,
we see that the sight two identical duelling pairs have had the desired effect
on him. Whether it's because of the eerie mirror effect or the identity of the
combattants themselves, Percy looks like Armageddon would be a blessing. Back
to the gang.)
GEORGE: Alright? Now, let's start simple. Disarming?
RON: Oh boy...
FRED: Just point the wand at your opponent and say
"Expelliarmus".
PERCY: You -*will*- be careful, won't you? I don't want to
be responsible for explaining your injuries to Mother!
LYNN: (pointing the wand at Percy) Petrificus Totalus!
(Percy freezes; falls over. They all look at Lynn.)
FRED: Uh...
GEORGE: Lynn...
LYNN: (innocent blink) What? Weren't we doing Freezing
Charms yet?
(Fade out on the slightly scared, slightly admiring looks
she's getting.)
(Scene: Weasley kitchen. Lynn's poking at the kettle. It's
poking back. She sighs and reaches in the draining board for a saucepan when AP
barges into the room.)
LYNN: (nodding towards the kettle) I swear that thing can
see me. I brought out the Turkish and it refused to let me within a few feet of
it. (beat; seeing the look on his face -- somewhere between angry and panicked)
What's with you?
AP: Get me OUT of here! I mean, Uncle Arthur's cool and
everything, but if I have to explain ... (*shudder*) escapators one more time,
I'm gonna rip out what hair he has left!
LYNN: (filling her saucepan) It can't be that bad.
AP: He tried to use my -*laptop*-, Purple Peril! I always
thought the 'white-out on the screen' thing was a geek -*myth*-!
LYNN: He knows from white-out?
AP: He has a bottle. One shelf down from the plug
collection. Along with a few Dictaphones and a stapler held shut with an
elastic band.
LYNN: Held ... shut?
AP: I took the rubber band off. It tried to staple my hand
to the shelf.
(Lynn raises an eyebrow but the water has started to boil;
she dumps the contents of a packet into it and stirs briskly. Enter Jane,
looking a bit dishevelled with various ... things ... stuck in her hair.)
JANE: You know ... I thought magic was gonna be a -*lot*-
more fun. (to the lack of looks) Well, seeing as you're so interested, I had
Accio lessons. And -*none*- of Daria's foresight. Or reflexes.
(Lynn adds sugar to her concoction -- neither she nor AP are
looking at Jane. Jane looks incredibly peeved by this.)
AP: Though I guess I see his point about the money. I mean,
English money's -*warped*-. Why's it all funny shapes and sizes?
LYNN: (stirring again) It's friendliness to the blind and
partially sighted. They're an equal opportunity sort of country.
AP: What, you mean like opportunity to no one? (Lynn nods
and goes mug-hunting) Figures.
JANE: (sniffing) I'll forgive you for ignoring me if you
pour me some of that. You have -*no*- idea how sick I am of tea.
(Lynn has produced four mugs and is pouring ... glop that
smells too much like coffee to actually smell like coffee into them. She hands
one to Jane, who swallows some of it undiluted, shudders, and heads for the
faucet to add some water. AP goes milk-hunting as Lynn moves the other three
mugs to the table -- she uses Wingardium Leviosa to do it. Then she goes to the
table and takes a swig of her own brew.)
AP: Where's Erudite Emerald? I guess the fourth cup's for
her...
JANE: Good luck. She -*prefers*- tea. Now that she's found a
way to take caffeine that doesn't involve involuntary muscle spasms...
LYNN: Good thing it's not -*for*- her, then, isn't it?
JANE: But then who...?
(As if in reply, Arthur staggers in. He looks tired, like he
didn't get enough sleep.)
ARTHUR: Morning, all. Is there tea?
(Lynn just holds up the mug. Arthur, too tired to argue,
takes it and swigs. He nearly chokes on the first mouthful, then looks at
Lynn.)
LYNN: (as if talking to a very small child) Cof. Fee.
JANE: Like tea, only ... looks stronger, smells stronger,
tastes stronger and ... well, -*is*- stronger.
AP: And the way -*she*- makes the stuff, you won't be tired
for awhile.
JANE: Like, for -*days*-.
AP: Milk might help, if you want to tone it down some...
ARTHUR: (cradling the mug protectively) No! Er ... no, thank
you; I'll take it as is.
(With that, he takes another mouthful; obviously the
effects, if not the taste, are growing on him. He leaves still carrying his
mug, and Jane and AP look at Lynn, who shrugs and takes another sip of her
drink.)
(Scene: Weasley sitting room. Daria is holding a a little
rubber ball, squinting at it. Jane wanders in, with Lynn right behind her.)
JANE: It's an interesting piece. What does it say to you?
DARIA: (bringing out her wand; pointing it at the ball)
Lumos Sphericus.
(The ball lights up green; the other two girls look at it,
eyebrows raised.)
LYNN: You can say -*that*- again.
DARIA: I thought the Lumos spell that lights up wand tips
was interesting. I thought I'd see if it had other applications.
JANE: Yeah, but what are you going to do with a glowing
rubber ball? Apart from submit it to the MOMA?
LYNN: (smirk) Aussie Rules Quidditch.
(Ron, Fred, George and AP poke their heads around a door.
Ron has broken out in rainbow-coloured polka dots.)
FRED: Did someone say Quidditch?
GEORGE: And what's Aussie Rules?
FRED: Come to that, what's an Aussie?
RON: (unlike those two, -*he*- looks panicked) I've heard of
this from Dean. I told you this, remember?
FRED: What, with the...?
GEORGE: And then when they...?
FRED & GEORGE: (unison) Ooooooooooooh...
AP: That's the thing that's with the "no death, no
foul", right? (when Lynn nods) Oooooooooooh!
RON: But you -*can't*- play Quidditch outdoors at night!
What would happen if you lost the Snitch? Or if a Bludger flew into that Muggle
town?
AP: Who said anything about "at night"?
LYNN: Who said anything about -*"outdoors"*-?
(Fred, George and Ron exchange looks. Jane and Daria do the
same.)
(Scene: Weasley kitchen. Molly and Ginny are in the kitchen,
conjuring up a meal [literally]. Molly's stirring something in a saucepan on
the hob and Ginny's rooting through the cupboards.)
MOLLY: (not looking) Oh, Ginny, while you're there, could
you get me the...?
GEORGE: (OS) QUIDDIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!
(*WHAP*)
GINNY: Ow!
(Now Molly looks 'round and sees Ginny rubbing the back of
her head; her hair's full of flour and she looks vastly put out. They both look
at the little glowing green ball, which is now lying on the floor. Then they
look up at the door between the kitchen and the sitting room, through which AP
barges. He grabs the ball off the floor and then freezes at the looks he's getting
from the Weasley women.)
AP: Sorry. Forgot how much torque a Beater could give a
ball.
MOLLY: What on -*earth*- are you lot -*doing*- in there?
AP: Aussie Rules Quidditch. (to the still blank looks) You
basically got a dark room, a glowing ball and you peg it at each other as hard
as you can.
MOLLY: Well, that's the -*daftest*- idea I've -*ever*-
heard--
GINNY: And I want to play!
AP: (big grin, handing her a Beater's bat) Here's your
"broomstick"!
(Ginny grins back, grabs the bat and runs into the darkened
sitting room, with AP right behind her. Molly looks scandalised.)
(Scene: Weasley kitchen. AP is sitting at the table, poring
over a large book. Lynn is sitting across from him, lacing her boots. Daria
walks in, shrugging into her coat, and AP slams the book, looking disgusted.)
AP: This -*sucks*-. Don't they have -*any*- of this crap on
CD-ROM?
DARIA: Would you be able to use it on your computer anyway?
AP: Yeah, well, -*you*- try getting white-out off a computer
screen. It's -*wrecked*-! And I can't ask Uncle Arthur to replace it because
even if he knew what to look for and how to buy ... well, -*anything*- in the
normal world, he couldn't afford it!
LYNN: Would it help if I promised to replace the machine out
of my trust fund?
AP: Aw, c'mon, Purple Peril; I mean, it's nice of you and
all that, but I couldn't... (Lynn glares at him; he stops, blushing and a
little afraid) Uh ... eee ... I...
DARIA: I believe the words you're groping for are
"thank you".
AP: Yeah. Uh. Eee. I...
(Enter Jane, Fred, George, Ginny and Molly.)
MOLLY: Now, dears, Arthur won't be able to join us for this
shopping trip; something about a necklace with a minor rash curse in it going
to a pawn shop in Electric Avenue. Wizards can be -*very*- petty... (when Fred
and George snicker) And it's -*not funny*-, you two! And if I ever hear of
-*you*- doing anything like that...
GINNY: Mum, you should explain about Floo Powder. Remember
when Harry wound up in Knockturn Alley that time...
MOLLY: Oh dear, we'd better not have -*that*- happening
again. Ginny, you go first and show them, would you?
(Ginny graps a pinch of Floo Powder from the pot by the
fireplace, chucks it into the fire and steps in.)
GINNY: (loud and clear) Diagon Alley!
(Ginny vanishes. Fred goes next as Daria looks green and
Jane reaches for her sketch pad with the speed of a gunslinger.)
JANE: Wow.
DARIA: That's not the exclamation -*I'd*- use.
RON: (as George goes) You and Lynn might want to take your
glasses off, Daria. Harry had his broken last time.
MOLLY: Why don't you go next, Daria dear?
(Daria pockets her glasses, nervously takes a pinch of the
Floo Powder, and tosses it into the fireplace. Then she steps in.)
DARIA: (-*very*- deliberate) Di. Ag. On. Al. Ley.
MOLLY: (as Daria vanishes) Very good, dear! Jane?
(Jane reluctantly puts her sketchpad away, takes a pinch of
Floo Powder and approaches the fireplace. As she does, Lynn and AP share a
look.)
JANE: (OS) Diagon Alley!
(Molly turns to Lynn and AP.)
MOLLY: AP dear?
AP: Ladies first.
MOLLY: Lynn, then?
LYNN: He said -*ladies*- first.
(Molly looks at her a little strangely, but takes her turn
at the floo. When she goes, Lynn and AP smirk.)
AP: (obviously practicing his innocent act) She went just
ahead of me; I don't know what could've happened! (beat) Hey, y'think she
accidentally went down Knockturn like that Harry kid?
LYNN: (practicing too; and she's better) I got a mouthful of
soot and was coughing a bit. Guess I wasn't clear enough. (With that, she grabs
a pinch of Floo Powder and chucks it into the fire) Knockturn Alley!
(As Lynn vanishes, AP looks at the fire, which is burning a
little low. He piles some more wood on and looks at it critically again.
Satisfied, he goes for the Floo Powder.)
(Scene: Diagon Alley. Daria, Jane and AP are in front of
Fortean Florescue's ice cream parlour, nibbling at small cones.)
DARIA: And you -*really*- expected anyone to -*believe*-
that?
AP: Well, it fooled Aunt Molly...
DARIA: Fine. And you really expected anyone who isn't
unbelievably naïve to believe that?
JANE: She could have at -*least*- let me -*in*- on it. It
could have been great drawing material in there!
DARIA: And you haven't got enough artistic inspiration to
last you for the next thirty -*years*-? I mean, -*look*- at this place.
(Pan around at Daria's orders. The white architechture and
gleaming brass doors of Gringotts dominate the alley. Cauldrons of every size
and metal gleam in the sun. Wizards and witches in brightly coloured robes mill
about, carrying bags and boxes. It's bright and colourful and very beyond the
realm of Muggle experience. It's very easy in the light of that to see Daria's
point.)
JANE: Okay ... I'm just planning to live another seventy
years, at -*least*-.
(Daria rolls her eyes. Lynn approaches from around a corner;
she looks dirty and a little shaken.)
AP: So how was it?
LYNN: Take one of the worst nightmares you've had, marry it
up with The Fall of the House of Usher and throw in a little Lovecraft for
seasoning.
JANE: And you didn't let me -*in*- on it?
(Without a word, Lynn throws a small yellow box at Jane. She
examines it -- it's a disposable camera. Jane beams.)
LYNN: It wasn't any fun without any money anyway. Come on.
JANE: It's not going to be as easy as using an ATM, is it.
DARIA: Knowing the wizard world, it's not. But console
yourself with the fact that it -*will*- be more impressive to look at.
(Scene: Gringotts. Lynn and Daria lead the way into the bank
and Jane and AP follow along. Daria, Jane and AP stop dead when they notice the
Gringott staff.)
DARIA: Goblins. (beat) Actual goblins.
(Jane has just pulled out her sketchpad until AP grabs her
by the arm.)
AP: Make with the memory storage and do the drawing later.
(The trio move towards the tellers, where Lynn is showing
one of the goblins a token she's wearing around her neck -- it's a silver disk
embossed with the emblem of a striking falcon.)
GRIPHOOK: Ah, Ms Smythe. You're here about the domestic
accounts -- vaults 745 through 748. Right this way, please...
DARIA: (facefault) Four -*vaults*- of this wizard money?
LYNN: No, more like one and a half. Vault 745 is mine.
Vaults 747 and 748 are for the four of us to use for however long we're at
Hogwarts.
JANE: Funny; I don't remember filling in any scholarship
application forms.
AP: Are you -*complaining*-?
DARIA: And ... vault 746?
(In response, Lynn just digs through a pocket and produces a
small pewter disc on a pewter chain. That disc is also embossed with a falcon.
Daria looks at Lynn in shock as Lynn presses it into Daria's hand.)
LYNN: Come on. Let's not keep the goblin waiting. (beat) Oh,
one thing. Could you transfer about a quarter of the contents of vault 745 to
the Weasleys' vault?
GRIPHOOK: Certainly, Ms Smythe. Let me just get the
appropriate forms and a quill.
DARIA: (sees what Lynn's doing and likes it) Make it two.
(As she says this, the Weasley clan approach. Griphook nods
and moves along the counter.)
MOLLY: Hello, dears. Is there a problem with your vaults?
LYNN: No, just moving some gold around. I felt it necessary
to pay my recent tutors.
MOLLY: Oh, that's really not necessary, dear; we were
-*glad*- to have you...
(Griphook returns with two quills and two rolls of
parchment. As Daria and Lynn unroll them to have a look, Fred and George move
behind Daria and Lynn respectively and peer over their shoulders. They see the
amount being transferred, presumably, because they nearly keel over with the
shock.)
FRED: Ginny! Ron! Come look at this!
GEORGE: This makes our Galleon Prize Draw win look like
-*chicken feed*-! Wow; cheers, you two...
(Ron moves next to George; Ginny stands on tiptoe to see
over Fred's shoulder. Molly comes up behind them, stern.)
MOLLY: No, dears; it's -*most*- kind of you to think of us
but... (she sees the amounts as well, stops -*dead*-) Oh my.
DARIA: We're glad to do it, Mrs Weasley. And believe me -- I
might take no for an answer, but I'm not sure Lynn knows the meaning of the
word.
LYNN: Sure I do. When it's me using it.
(With a flourish, Lynn signs her name to the parchment and
hands it to Griphook. Daria does the same, minus the flourish. Molly looks from
one look-alike to the other, speechless.)
GRIPHOOK: Now, you'll be wanting vault 747 to start with?
For your school things. Someone will be with you in a moment, Mrs Weasley.
(Griphook leads Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP off somewhere. AP
looks back, then awkwardly jogs back to the stunned Weasleys.)
AP: Uh ... you might not know to do this but ... never
mention that to Purple Peril again. She doesn't like people throwing it in her
face that she's ... y'know... -*nice*- sometimes. If you want, just think of it
like you're my family and she takes care of her own.
(Molly nods a little spastically.)
JANE: (OS) Come -*on*-, AP!
(AP grins at the Weasleys and jogs off again. The Weasleys
exchange looks. Then Fred and George grin.)
FRED: A Nimbus 2001?
GEORGE: Nah; Malfoy's got one of them. 2000 will do.
MOLLY: Fred! George!
(They fall to bickering.)
(Scene: Vault 747, ext. Two carts wheel to a stop in front
of the vault doors; Griphook is with Lynn and Jane in the lead car while AP
shares the following one with Daria. Jane, Lynn and AP look like kids at an
amusement park. Daria, however, just looks very, very sick.)
AP: (slightly grossed out) -*You're*- putting these jeans in
the wash, Erudite Emerald.
DARIA: (weakly) Sorry.
(Lynn, meanwhile, is fitting her pendant into a slot in the
wall near the door. The door opens, and they all peer inside. It's huge and its
contents are predominantly gold. There are just no words, as evidenced by the
looks on the faces of the gang.)
AP: Eeeeeeeeeeeee...
DARIA: It's -*school*- money. I take it our fees are coming
out of this?
JANE: Are -*theirs*- this size?
GRIPHOOK: Ever so slightly larger, actually.
DARIA: (weak smile) Not anymore, they're not.
LYNN: Come on; let's collect some money and get out of here.
We have a lot to get before we meet Ron again.
AP: What, like our own wands?
JANE: If they have Quik Quotes Quills, I want to see what
-*else*- they've got for art supplies.
DARIA: I'm interested in magic texts myself.
LYNN: There's something -*else*- we have to get. And given
the nature of the shopping, we should probably get it over with first.
JANE: Come on, Lynn; it can't be -*that*- bad.
(Lynn raises an eyebrow at Jane, who begins to doubt her own
words.)
(Scene: Madame Malkin's. Daria's up on the platform being
fitted for her Hogwarts robes. Her face is miserably deadpan.)
DARIA: It's the bridesmaid's dress all over again. (beat;
slightly evil smirk) But at least I'm not suffering alone this time...
(She looks over to the other platform, where Jane is looking
decidedly less than thrilled.)
JANE: I will kill you. And bury your body in these robes.
DARIA: Like it'd make a difference. I have to wear them
anyway.
JANE: True. (beat) Solidarity?
DARIA: Humiliation in numbers.
JANE: I thought that was -*safety*- in numbers.
DARIA: We're going to a school for juvenile witches, run by
a nation that gave us Monty Python. And you expect safety.
(short pause)
JANE: I -*really*- hate it when you're right.
(Pan to the other side of the room, where AP and Lynn are
waiting in chairs.)
AP: Floor-length -*robes*-? Jeez, I have enough trouble
walking in -*pants*-!
LYNN: You think -*you've*- got it bad. I wear this crap, and
that's -*months*- of street-fighting training down the drain.
AP: (blink) I don't wanna know, do I?
LYNN: (lost in her train of thought) I mean, imagine trying
to execute a flying kick to someone's windpipe in this thing?
AP: Purple Peril? Take the Fifth before you scare me. (beat)
Never mind, too late. Just ... take it anyway, huh?
(Lynn looks at him, shrugs and shuts up. AP ponders that
with a slightly nervous look. Daria and Jane finally step down from the
fittings.)
DARIA: Let me -*out*- of here.
LYNN: Wands next?
DARIA: Suits me, so long as it's nothing to do with
clothing. I felt too ... much like Quinn.
JANE: Here's a thought that's -*guaranteed*- to cheer you
up.
DARIA: Jane ... this is -*me*-.
JANE: Even -*you'd*- get a kick out of this. (beat) Quinn
... -*wearing*- ... this stuff.
(Short pause, then they all start laughing and remove themselves
from the shop as Madame Malkin gives them an odd look.)
(Scene: Ollivander's. Enter TFJM, who look around at the
near-empty shop.)
JANE: Wow. (pulls sketchpad) It's like something in a Gothic
horror story.
LYNN: 'The Telltale Heartstring', maybe.
(Jane ignores that, content to sketch the room. Daria
groans. AP just looks confused.)
AP: Not even gonna -*ask*- this time. (beat) Is there a bell
we ring to get some help, or what?
(Ollivander appears as if from nowhere behind them.)
OLLIVANDER: Good morning.
DARIA/AP: Gah!
(Daria, Lynn and AP spin round to face Ollivander. Jane
keeps sketching, oblivious.)
LYNN: Hello. You must be Mr Ollivander. Your reputation
precedes you.
OLLIVANDER: Ah, yes, you would be Miss Smythe. I remember
your father -- twelve inches, cedar, supple ... heartstring of Hebridean Black.
AP: (impressed) Guess I'm not the -*only*- one with a
memory...
OLLIVANDER: And this must be the half-blood Weasley. Your
mother was Carol, was she not?
AP: Yeah... Wait, -*she*- was in here?
OLLIVANDER: (nods) Six inches, rainbow eucalyptus,
pleasantly bendy, hair from the mane of a particularly friendly unicorn mare.
Does she still find use for it in the Muggle world?
AP: (sad) Not lately.
OLLIVANDER: A pity. It's a fine wand. (sees Daria) Another
Smythe?
DARIA: (reluctant) So it would appear.
OLLIVANDER: The resemblance is uncanny. How remarkable.
(nodding to Jane) And -*this*- young lady?
JANE: (absent nod; still sketching) Yeah hi.
OLLIVANDER: I believe I have the perfect wand for this one.
Eleven inches, balsa, somewhat whippy, phoenix feather. (removes it from a
shelf, extends it to the still oblivious Jane) Try it out, if you would...
(Jane absently sticks her pencil behind her ear, takes the
wand and gives it a wave. It gives off a shower of red sparks and Jane drops
her pad in shock.)
JANE: Whoa! (looks at wand speculatively) Hey, can I carve
designs on this thing?
OLLIVANDER: (taken aback) I wouldn't advise it.
JANE: Paint?
OLLIVANDER: (sniffily) If you must...
JANE: Cool!
(Jane stuffs the wand in her pocket, retrieves her pad,
takes up her pencil and resumes sketching. Ollivander watches her for a moment
with slightly offended eyes.)
OLLIVANDER: Now... (nods to Daria) ...Miss Smythe?
DARIA: (firm) Morgendorffer.
OLLIVANDER: (*blink*) Yes. Well. Perhaps oak ... (rummages
on the shelves) and unicorn hair? Nine inches, somewhat rigid... Give it a
wave.
(Daria does so. Absolutely nothing happens.)
DARIA: Uh...
OLLIVANDER: No? Not to worry. Let me see ... definitely
unicorn hair ... something -*inflexible*-, I think... (Daria scowls at the
ephasis on 'inflexible') Perhaps mahogany, ten inches...
(He hands her the new wand. She waves it. Nothing.)
DARIA: (dry) Perhaps not.
OLLIVANDER: Hmm ... a -*difficult*- customer... (Daria
scowls at him again.) Ah! White birch, seven inches, nice and sturdy. (hands
the wand over) Give it a try.
(She does. Green and orange sparks hit the wall inches from
Ollivander's head. He does not flinch.)
DARIA: (slight smirk) There.
OLLIVANDER: (dry) Indeed. (turns to Lynn) Miss Smythe?
LYNN: (somewhat reluctant) Cullen.
OLLIVANDER: ('not this again...') As you say. Now ... dragon
heartstring would be best -- Hungarian Horntail, I think...
LYNN: (dry) You flatter me.
OLLIVANDER: Preferable to your aunt's wand, Miss. Eight
inches, rosewood, Veela hair, the vain madam. I don't even normally use it, but
nothing else would suit her... In any case, try this. Silver birch, nine
inches, a bit bendy.
(Lynn takes the wand and waves it. Purple and silver sparks
fly.)
AP: Way to go, Purple Peril!
LYNN: (blush; attempt at monotone) I made with the sparks.
Go me.
OLLIVANDER: Now for you, young man. Perhaps something in
pine ... eleven inches, core of phoenix feather.
(Ollivander hands him the wand. AP waves it, squinting in
anticipation of sparks. There are none. His shoulders slump.)
AP: Aww ... nuts.
OLLIVANDER: Never mind. Let's see ... perhaps Douglas fir
... unicorn hair ... ten inches, springy.
(AP waves it; nothing.)
DARIA: I have a bad feeling about this, for some reason.
JANE: You -*had*- to say that, right?
(Dissolve to: some time later. AP is surrounded by most of the wands in the
shop. Ollivander seems to be taking this in stride but AP looks disappointed
and the three girls look bored. AP waves yet another wand and yet again,
nothing happens.)
LYNN: Ohfortheloveof...
AP: What do you -*want*- from me, Purple Peril? I want this
over with as much as you do!
OLLIVANDER: Don't be discouraged, young McIntyre. It took
Harry Potter about this long before he found his wand...
AP: Yeah, but -*he*- finally found one, didn't he? Oh man, I
think I'd have better luck just making my -*own*- damn wand!
(Ollivander looks shocked, probably at AP's language ...
then gets a funny look in his eyes.)
OLLIVANDER: Perhaps you would, at that. And perhaps I can
help you with the process. It so happens I've a number of potential shafts and
cores in the back awaiting assembly.
AP: Uh ... sure. I guess. Thanks. (beat) Mr O? You okay?
OLLIVANDER: Hm? Oh. I'll be all right, young McIntyre. I was
merely remembering ... when I was old enough to have my own wand, I came into
the shop like any other customer. But I couldn't find a wand that suited me
either, so I decided to make one of my own. The moment I laid eyes on it ... on
my own creation ... that was when I knew what I wanted to do with my life. That
was when the family knew this shop would stay in Ollivander hands when my uncle
passed on.
AP: (dubious) Uh ... right. Good for you, sir.
JANE: So ... what? Do the rest of us just wait around?
LYNN: Not a good idea. We -*do*- have other shopping to take
care of, after all.
OLLIVANDER: Ah. Yes. Quite right.
AP: Go on, guys! I'll be fine! (beat) I think.
(Scene: Ollivander's, ext. Daria, Jane and Lynn step out,
looking bemused. Lynn pulls out her wand and looks at it.)
DARIA: He was good, wasn't he?
LYNN: Mmm. (beat) Both birch. Wonder if that means anything.
JANE: (*shrug*) I dunno. Balsa for an artist is so cliche.
(beat) So where to next?
LYNN: We're supposed to meet Ron and his friends outside
Fortescue's. So let's go.
(They head off.)
DARIA: I'm still having a hard time believing this. I mean,
not only am I a witch, but I'm one with an oversized Gringotts vault.
LYNN: I guess that's where the trust fund came from. I
wonder what the dollar/Galleon conversion rate is...
JANE: Hey, who's that with Ron?
(They look. Standing in front of Fortescue's are Ron, a
small boy with black hair and glasses, and a girl with bushy hair. [I don't
think -*we*- need an introduction...])
LYNN: One way to find out. (she steps towards them)
RON: Heya, Daria, Lynn, Jane! Meet Hermione Granger and
Harry Potter.
LYNN: So you're the Boy Who Lived. Dad talked about you
some. I won't ask you to show me the scar, you'll be glad to hear.
HARRY: Hello. Ron's told us about you. Your dad's an Auror,
isn't he?
LYNN: One of the best currently in action, apparently.
HERM: Oh, it must be -*fascinating*- to hear these things
from the Auror's point of view. Professor Moody wouldn't tell us -*anything*-
about his Auror days ... well, that was mainly because he wasn't an Auror at
-*all*-, as it turned out...
DARIA: We heard ... something about that. Nice to meet you,
Hermione.
HERM: Likewise. So what's America like? I mean, I've read
all about it, but the books are no substitute for actually having experienced
the culture first-hand.
RON: Never thought I'd hear her say -*that*-.
HERM: Oh, shut up, Ron!
HARRY: So how've you liked the Burrow?
LYNN: Well, the gnomes are interesting. Oh, I found an
alternative to the traditional degnoming.
RON: She was practicing Wingardium Leviosa...
HERM: Oh dear. Did you get an owl from the Ministry?
RON: That's the best bit, Hermione. We got special dispensation
from the Ministry so we can teach them the things they'll need to know from the
fifth year. We got to use magic all summer!
HERM: Really? Why on earth would the Ministry do that?
RON: Who cares?
LYNN: Anyway, Harry, heard from the twins you play a mean
game of Quidditch. And have a fairly nice broom.
HARRY: -*Fairly*- nice?
LYNN: Sorry. Haven't seen it firsthand so I can't really
give a decent opinion.
HARRY: The Ireland side won the Quidditch World Cup on
Firebolts.
LYNN: Hmm. May have to pick myself up one, if only for
pickup games.
(Harry, Ron and Hermione look a little confused at the
terminology.)
JANE: American term. Means a casual game with a team picked
up off the street.
HARRY: Lynn, a Firebolt's kind of ... expensive for a casual
broom...
RON: (fervent) She can afford it. Trust me.
HARRY: Well, I could show you Quality Quidditch supplies;
you could probably pick one up there.
LYNN: Sounds good. We have some time to kill before AP comes
out of Ollivander's anyway.
HERM: Ron tells me you like to read, Daria. I could show you
around Flourish and Blotts, if you like. They have some exceptional books on
magical theory.
DARIA: Sounds good to me.
RON: Oh, not another one! We're on -*holiday*- and you're
reading magical theory!
JANE: While they're doing that, maybe you could find me an
art supply store or something? My paints got squashed on the plane.
RON: Sure! Anything but Flourish and Blotts. I'll have to be
in there enough for the set books.
HARRY: So how about we meet in Flourish and Blotts in about
an hour? That'll give us all time to get through everything.
(They nod and separate -- Harry goes off with Lynn, Hermione
with Daria and Ron with Jane.)
(Scene: Quality Quiddich Supplies, ext. There's another
crowd formed in the window. Harry and Lynn approach.)
LYNN: What's the commotion over -*there*-?
HARRY: Dunno. Maybe there's a new racing broom out. Year
before last, the Firebolt was the top of the range model for broomsticks, but I
suppose they came up with something new this year.
(They shoulder their way towards the front and stop when
they see an absolutely -*gorgeous*- broomstick -- it makes Harry's Firebolt
look a little frumpy. They turn their attention to the conversation an older
couple are having as they look at the broom.)
OLDER GENTLEMAN: ...Stormfront model. Word has it that the
Tree-Skimmers will be riding those in favour of the old Firebolt this year.
HARRY: (slightly scandalised) 'Old' Firebolt?
ELDERLY LADY: I think that might give the Tree-Skimmers the
edge on the competition at this year's Whizz Hard Invitational.
OLDER GENTLEMAN: I don't know, my dear. I still think the
Kenmare Kestrels stand a chance.
ELDERLY LADY: Oh, come now, Richard, the only team the
Kestrels could beat this year are the Chudley Cannons.
LYNN: (interested) The Stormfront, huh...?
HARRY: Lynn, have you ever -*ridden*- a broom before?
LYNN: Fred and George's Cleansweep Fives.
HARRY: A real racing broom is -*nothing*- like a Cleansweep.
Sometimes they get outstripped by -*butterflies*-.
LYNN: A racing broom can't be any worse than Amethyst. (to
the look) I have a motorcycle. A racing bike, to be exact.
HARRY: But that's... (Lynn's already in the shop) ...on the
ground...
(Harry wanders in after her, looking a little dazed.)
(Scene: Flourish and Blotts, ext. Ron is helping Jane dust a
great deal of what looks like chalk dust off her shirt.)
RON: I'm -*really*- sorry about that. You look that much
like a Muggle, -*someone*- should have warned you...
JANE: I go into art supply stores, I attack the art
supplies. They're not supposed to attack -*back*-!
AP: (OS) Hey ho, Art-Smart Scarlet! Whoa; snowball fight?
(Jane and Ron look up to see AP staggering towards them,
looking just a little green.)
JANE: Attack of the Killer Erasers. What happened to
-*you*-?
RON: Did you get your wand in the end? They said you were
having some trouble...
AP: More like I -*made*- my wand.
(He digs into a bag, pulls out a long thin box and pulls out
what looks like an ornate beechwood table leg. Ron and Jane stare.)
RON: You -*made*- it? Weird!
JANE: Couldn't you have done something about the -*shape*-?
AP: If I'd let him work it, I'd have been all day and
there's this stupid book list. Maybe you can show me later?
JANE: Sure. If he won't let me carve designs into -*mine*-,
at least I get to get creative with -*yours*-...
RON: Just be careful how much you take off; you don't want
the core to get exposed. (beat) What's -*in*- the core of yours, anyway?
AP: (going greener) Don't ask. You don't wanna know and I
don't wanna think about it.
(AP stalks towards the door of Flourish and Blotts. Jane and
Ron look at each other, shrug and follow.)
(Scene: Flourish and Blotts, int. Daria and Hermione are
browsing the shelves; they're already holding their set books. Jane, Ron and AP
enter and look around.)
JANE: Wow.
AP: Jeeeeeez. This place just -*scares*- me.
JANE: I'm sure Daria knows a word for phobia of the written
word...
AP: Not just! I mean, think how much less space it'd all
take up soft copy! Less paper, too, -*and*- less ink! Think of the plantlife!
JANE: Eco-friendly speeches? From the guy who's rumoured to
have poisoned two acres of wheatfield when he was thirteen?
AP: Hey, no one can pin that on me! (beat) Anyway, it was
more like three.
RON: (looking around desperately) Daria? ...I can't believe
I'm saying this ... Hermione? A little help?
(Hermione turns from her browsing and joins the group.)
HERM: So what were you all discussing?
AP: Farming.
JANE: Slash and burn agriculture.
RON: (wanting a subject change) Got the set books?
HERM: Of course! Oh, and we found some marvellous books on
theory for extra reading...
RON: I don't believe you, Hermione! I think I'd rather hear
about AP poisoning the wheat crops of America!
HERM: What? Oh, AP, you never...
AP: Jeez, it wasn't mass murder or anything! I was just
fooling with chemically-made crop circles and...
(Daria rounds a corner, laden down with books)
DARIA: Not the wheatfield fiasco again.
AP: Hey, don't blame me for bringing it up; it was -*her*!
(He tries to point accusingly at Jane and knocks over a large stack of books.)
Ohhhh ... damn.
HERM: Erm ... shall we find you copies of the set books? We
know where to look now, after all, and...
RON: Well, shouldn't we wait for Harry and Lynn?
JANE: We may be here awhile if we do. Trust me; if Lynn's as
serious about her broomsticks as she is about her motorcycles, she'll be in
there all day.
DARIA: Well, why don't we get...
LYNN: (OS) I think I'm going to like this place.
(Enter a slightly breathless Harry)
HARRY: Sorry. We got in awhile ago but Lynn found the Curses
and Jinxes section and ... (as he sees all faces bar Hermione's go deathly
pale) ... have I said something?
(A moment's tense silence.)
AP: (at the top of his lungs) DROP IT, PERIL!
(He, Daria and Jane run out of shot. Harry and Hermione look
really confused.)
RON: Y'know Fred and Geroge? (They give bewildered nods)
They take -*lessons*- from her.
(That drives the message home; the confusion in their faces
is transfigured into horror.)
(Scene: Flourish and Blotts, ext. Lynn is forcibly dragged
out the door by her companions, grumbling.)
LYNN: There wasn't time to get half what I wanted...
JANE: (looking at the spines of Lynn's books) "Just
About Forgivable Curses"; "Formula for Revenge -- a Potion Master's
Guide"; "The Midas Touch and Other Inconveniences"...?
(Jane gives Lynn a bewildered look.)
LYNN: (*sigh*) You cast them on other people, Jane.
AP: Hey, can I borrow that Formula one?
HARRY: (to Ron and Hermione) Good job we're used to dodging
death at Hogwarts' by now.
HERM: Was there anything else you wanted to get?
HARRY: You might want an owl. They're always useful.
Especially if you don't want to borrow the school owls for anything. You're
welcome to borrow Hedwig, but she's not any good for secrecy; snowy owls aren't
native around here.
RON: And you can borrow Pig if you like, but he's useless.
Little show-off.
LYNN: Might be an idea. Daria?
DARIA: Well, they used to call me one in grade school. Only
fitting that I own one of the damn things.
AP: I'm gonna find some food. After the whole wand and
potion ingredients thing, I think I can just about eat.
LYNN: Meet you guys out in front of ... Eeylops, is it?
HARRY: They have the best selection, yeah.
RON: And if you go into the Menagerie, you might wind up
with some crazed ginger furball.
HERM: Don't talk about Crookshanks that way!
(The two stride off, squabbling. Harry shrugs and heads off
after them, followed by Jane and AP. Lynn looks at Daria.)
LYNN: They called -*you*- owl?
DARIA: Uh-huh. (beat) Tell me you never got "misery
chick".
LYNN: Not at school. Summer camp.
(slight pause)
DARIA & LYNN: Anyway. Owls. (beat) Oh, CHRIST.
(They walk away before they do the unison again.)
(Scene: Eeylops Owl Emporium. Lynn enters, Daria right
behind.)
LYNN: I'm thinking something fairly big. I mean, I don't
know what I'm going to wind up sending ... or who I'll be sending it -*to*-,
but AP might have use for it...
(There is the sound of heavy flapping wings, and a great
horned owl flies out of the back room. It lands on Lynn's head and hoots once.)
DARIA: (stunned) Well ... it stands proudly and proclaims 'I
am'?
(The owl screeches, then flutters onto Lynn's shoulder and
turns its head to look at her. She stretches out her arm and it moves out onto
her wrist, still looking at her.)
LYNN: Hello.
(The owl hoots once, flaps its wings and settles.)
DARIA: It sure looks ... comfortable.
(Enter the witch who runs the Emporium.)
WITCH: Oh, hello. Sorry if he's been of any bother to you...
LYNN: (still locking eyes with the owl) No ... no bother. I
was looking for an owl anyway.
(Daria reaches out for the great horned owl, who beats its
wings threateningly at her. Daria backs off very quickly.)
DARIA: I ... think I might pick one of my own. This one ...
seems to like you. (beat) Got anything ... less intimidating?
WITCH: Well, we have a few Scops owls ... they don't sell
very well, but they're loyal. A little flighty on occasion, but...
LYNN: Daria, you sure?
DARIA: Sure. It'd be nice to have an owl of my own anyway.
(Scene: Eeylops', ext. Harry, Ron and the others are
standing outside, leafing through books or examining their wands. Daria and
Lynn exit the Menagerie. The great horned owl is still resting on Lynn's
shoulder. Daria has a small birdcage in which a small grey owl bats around like
a demented ping pong ball.)
LYNN: He wouldn't be caged. Guys, meet Shylock.
DARIA: I don't know if this thing can be -*named*-.
AP: (peering in at the Scops) Hey, it's a winged Dustpuppy!
Hey ho, Dustpuppy!
DARIA: AP, I'm not naming it ... what are you...?
(AP is opening the cage and has stuck a hand inside.)
LYNN: (covering her eyes) I can't look...
(AP comes out holding the owl, who hoots happily.)
AP: (cheery) Friendly little Dustpuppy, aren't ya?
(The Scops hoots cheerfully as if in reply.)
LYNN: I don't believe he still has all his fingers. Usually,
animals hate him...
DARIA: I am -*not*- naming him Dustpuppy. (beat) He doesn't
have feet, for one thing.
AP: Feet, talons, same diff.
(Daria looks from the owl, who is hooting cheerfully, to AP,
who's stroking the owl's head, to Lynn, who shrugs, to Jane, who smirks.)
DARIA: (sigh) Put... (beat; resigned) ...'Dustpuppy' back in
his cage and let's get out of here.
HERM: Did you get everything?
JANE: Wands...
DARIA: Books...
AP: Potion goop...
LYNN: Those godforsaken robes...
JANE: Quills, parchment, sundry art supplies...
DARIA: Cauldrons, scales, owls -- one frightening and one
feebleminded...
LYNN: Gloves, telescopes, top-of-the-line racing broom...
(beat)
AP: I think that's it. Y'know, I used to -*hate*-
shopping...
HARRY: Are you staying at Ron's with us?
JANE: (dry) Of course. I've always wanted to see a house
bust a seam.
LYNN: We're staying with my aunt -- we have shopping of a
Muggle nature to do.
AP: We can meet at ... where're we meeting?
RON: King's Cross. Let's meet outside the building for
platforms 9 through 11.
HERM: -*Do*- enjoy London -- I hear there's a fascinating
exhibit at the Natural History Museum...
JANE: Oh, come -*on*-. We managed to do nothing really
educational for two whole weeks last time! You really think we're going to
start -*now*-?
(Hermione looks sheepish and indignant all at once.)
(Scene: Camden market. Daria's standing by a rickety-looking
flight of stairs. AP's sitting on the stairs, tapping away at a shiny new
laptop.)
DARIA: Are you -*sure*- this counts as school equipment?
AP: It's a -*computer*-. What school doesn't like computers
for research and stuff?
DARIA: A school where half the students don't even
understand the rudiments of electric typewriters.
AP: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wizards've gotta have URLs same as
everyone else.
DARIA: Says the man who only bought that thing because his
recent host ruined the screen with white-out.
(A small owl with a letter in his beak, recognisable as
Pigwidgeon, flies over and hits AP in the head. As AP winces, Pig hits the
ground, gets to his 'feet', staggers a little, then bites AP hard on the leg.
AP yelps and Pig flies off again, leaving the letter behind. Daria picks it up
and looks at it.)
DARIA: Definitely for you.
AP: Jeez, what was your first clue? (grabs it, tears it
open, reads aloud but not ahead) "AP, mate, you're -*brilliant*-! Mum's
about forgiven you for nearly burning the house down but careful of any owls
from Percy -- he may send a Howler once the burns heal. But now we've got
Ashwinder eggs! Cheers! Gred and Forge." (beat; looking up) Come
-*again*-?
DARIA: What's an Ashwinder?
LYNN: (coming down the stairs) According to Newt Scamander,
it's sort of akin to a salamander. You leave a wizard fire with something like
Floo Powder in it burning too long, you get Ashwinders. They crawl out, lay
eggs and die. The eggs incubate -*really*- fast -- and I mean "spontanous
combustion" fast -- within a few hours. But if you freeze them in time,
they're useful for things like love potions. Why?
AP: (realising; guiltily) So ... if you ... maybe ... were
the last one to go somewhere by Floo ... and you made sure the fire was burning
real good before you left...
DARIA: ...You'd accidentally make Ashwinders. And nearly
burn down the Weasley house if not for Percy.
(Lynn and Daria just -*glare*- at AP, who probably isn't
sure what to be more scared about -- the promise of their combined wrath or the
eerie exactness with which that glare reproduces itself.)
AP: Uh ... I guess a distraction wouldn't work...?
LYNN: It'd have to be a damn good one...
JANE: (OS) Hey, I could finally afford the Jane Jetson
dress!
(All three of them look up. The dress is mostly made of the
same foam rubber they use to make those novelty "#1" giant hands for
sporting events, and looks ridiculous. Daria and Lynn look up at her in
astonishment, then start chuckling, trying to hide it behind their hands. AP,
on the other hand, gets up and walks up to a slightly irate Jane.)
AP: Thank you. Really. Thank you.
(Then he starts laughing too. Jane puts her hands on her
hips, indignant.)
JANE: What the hell's so funny?
(That just makes them all laugh harder.)
(Scene: Lorna's kitchen. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are
slumped over their breakfasts, not saying anything. Packed trunks are sitting
just visible in the living room nearby. Lorna, dressed in a smart pinstriped
skirt suit with a -*very*- short skirt and the quintessential Doc Marten
three-holes, charges in and stands in the kitchen doorway, hands on her hips.)
LORNA: All right, ladies and gentleman, you have a day ahead
of you and it starts now. Finish brekky and let's get a move on.
JANE: (disbelieving) 'Brekky'?
LORNA: It's a British thing, never mind, we need to get you
off to the station so quick-chop let's go...
DARIA: Where do we have to be again?
LORNA: You won't know as I haven't said but you'll be
meeting the Hogwarts Express at Platform Nine and Three Quarters and...
AP: Nine and -*Three-Quarters*-? Why not Platform Pi?
LYNN: Because there's no barrier between platform 3 and 4.
JANE: Non sequitur. Fifteen-love.
LYNN: Stop with the numbers. You're making me dizzy.
LORNA: You'll see when we get there, now come on, you lot,
or we'll be late, getting to the platform is complicated and I need to speak to
Arthur at any rate.
(Lorna bustles the stunned quartet out the front door.)
(Smash cut to the car park at the back of King's Cross, in
front of the entrance to platforms 9-11. Lorna's little yellow van drives up at
Ludicrous Speed and screeches to a halt in front of the building. Daria, Jane,
Lynn, AP, four trunks and two owl cages are practically thrown out of the van.
While they collect themselves, Lorna rolls down her window and leans out.)
LORNA: I don't see Arthur so will you tell him to get in
touch by Floo? I was supposed to meet Steven two ... no, sorry, -*three*-
minutes ago.
(*Vroom*; Lorna's van vanishes in a cloud of exhaust fumes,
leaving the quartet blinking dazedly after her.)
DARIA: (slowly) And I'm related to that?
LYNN: Surprises me too, sometimes.
JANE: I can't believe some of -*my*- family. And not just my
brothers and sisters either.
AP: So. Platform Nine and Three Quarters? Barriers? Come
-*again*-?
LYNN: From all accounts, Hogsmeade and Hogwarts aren't known
to ... 'Muggles'. They had to hide the platform.
(Lynn gets interrupted by a caravan of approaching taxis.
They stop pretty much in front of the gang and the door of the first cab opens,
disgorging one ballistic Crookshanks.)
HERM: (poking her head out the cab) Crookshanks, NO!
(Crookshanks attaches himself to AP's legs and starts
climbing him like a tree.)
AP: Ow. Ow. Ow! OW! OWOWOWOW!
(Lynn grabs the cat and rips him off the front of AP's
jacket, causing AP to scream. Lynn turns to Hermione, still holding the wildly
struggling cat around the midsection.)
LYNN: Basket. (to the cat) SHUT UP!
(Crookshanks takes one look at her and makes like a Fuzzy
Wuzzy Wee Bit. Hermione makes with the basket; Lynn stuffs the cat into it and
slams the lid shut.)
RON: How'd you -*do*- that?
LYNN: You just have to speak their language, that's all.
RON: (aside to Harry) What, y'mean anything to instill
bloody terror?
LYNN: More or less.
(Molly comes over from where she's been overseeing the rest
of the taxi unloading.)
MOLLY: All right, you lot, I packed sandwiches -- no, not
corned beef, Ron... Oh, and I packed a few for you all as well.
(She hands brown bags to TFJM, who look at them funny.)
DARIA: People's parents make lunches for them?
JANE: I've seen these things in history books.
ARTHUR: Right; I'll show you lot how to get onto the
platform. It can be a bit tricky if you're not used to it.
(Scene: Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Neville, looking a
little tearful, is checking his pockets delicately. Then he lifts his hat and
feels around under it.)
NEVILLE: I don't believe it! I lost Trevor -*again*-!
(AP comes out of the barrier at top speed, loses control of
both his trolley and his legs, trips and lands right on top of his speeding
trolley and -- CRASH! Once the flying luggage has settled, we see that AP has
landed right on top of Neville, with the luggage trolley resting half on top of
them. Dustpuppy, hooting madly, frees himself from the wreckage of the broken
cage and stuffs himself into AP's pocket.)
NEVILLE: Oww...
AP: Sorry! Uh ... hi!
HERM: (coming out of the barrier herself, with Ron right
behind) NEVILLE! (runs over to him) Are you all right?
RON: Oh. AP, meet Neville Longbottom. Neville, my cousin AP
McIntyre. (beat) You two'll get along well...
(Daria and Lynn come through together and look at the
carnage.)
LYNN: It could have been worse. There could have been sapient pearwood
involved.
AP: You mean -*that's*- real too?
HERM: (dismissive snort) Those books are so -*silly*! And of
course -*real*- magic is nothing like that...
(Fred and George follow.)
FRED: Hey, Lynn, there's someone you -*must*- meet. Oi, Lee!
We owled you about Lynn, right?
GEORGE: She'd be great to have aboard with Weasley's Wizard
Wheezes!
(Lynn gets dragged off by Fred and George while AP glares
after them. Daria turns to him with a slightly commiserating raised eyebrow.)
AP: Well? What've they got that -*I*- haven't got?
DARIA: (thinking) Uh ... Methods 26 through 199?
AP: Hey, can I help it if I couldn't put the stuff I came up
with first day at Lawndale into -*words*?
DARIA: I guess not. But it looks like they -*can*-.
(AP sighs. Daria puts a hand on his shoulder for a moment,
then goes back to helping with the carnage. Hermione, seeing that too many
hands would be a hinderance, turns to Jane, who's just come through the barrier
with Ginny.)
HERM: Jane, you should meet Dean Thomas. He's an artist too,
you know.
JANE: (interested) Is he cute?
HERM: I never really thought about it, actually. Come decide
for yourself?
JANE: Lead on!
(Hermione leads Jane off towards the throng around the big
red steam engine and taps Dean on the shoulder.)
HERM: Dean? This is Jane Lane. She's starting in our year at
Hogwarts.
DEAN: Heya. Pleased to meet you.
JANE: Likewise.
HERM: Jane's something of an artist too, Dean...
JANE: 'Something of'?
HERM: (blushing) Figure of speech.
(Enter Malfoy, smirking at Jane in a "I like the look
of this one" sort of way. He steps in front of her, neatly shouldering an
annoyed Dean aside.)
MALFOY: Well -*well*-, what have we here? Let me take you
away from this Mudblood trash and into more ... refined company.
JANE: 'Mudblood'?
MALFOY: Muggle-born. Like (indicates Dean and Hermione)
-*those*- individuals. Of no wizarding family, and thus by definition
worthless.
JANE: And it amazes me how much personality you haven't got.
So you're Draco Malfoy. I heard you were bad, but I guess I thought they were
exaggerating.
MALFOY: You've been listening to Potter, then. I've warned
him about the dangers of keeping low company, but the Muggle-loving goodie-good
refuses to listen to sense.
JANE: 'Potter' has the right idea, I think. And I'm a
Muggle-born myself, so according to you, I -*am*- 'low company'. (beat; looks
him over in an assessing way) I suppose, if the -*looks*- are rodential, the
personality can't be far away. Go find a ferret run.
(With that, she walks away. Applause from the crowd. Malfoy
pinkens a little and stares after her, totally gobsmacked.)
PANSY: (approaching from behind) Draco? Who's -*she*-?
MALFOY: Just ... just another Mudblood, Pansy. None of your -- of -*our*- concern.
(Pansy looks dubious [a girl can tell] but doesn't say
anything ... yet. Instead, she lets him usher her away, while Dean and Hermione
stare at Jane.)
JANE: What? I was supposed to stand there and -*take*- that?
DEAN: Nice use of the language!
JANE: (shrug) You want use of the language, you want
Daria...
AP: (OS) Hey, Art-Smart Scarlet! We're ready for
demarkation! (beat) Uhhhhhh...
DARIA: (OS) I think you mean -*emb*-arkation, AP.
JANE: You want -*abuse*- of the language, talk to him.
(With that, she walks off. Dean shoots Hermione a very
confused look.)
HERM: I think it'd be easier to let you get to Hogwarts to
see for yourself. I'd better go keep an eye on them. Excuse me...
(She walks off in a bit of a hurry. Dean looks after her,
then shrugs it off [with at least partial success] and wanders away.)
(Scene: a carriage on the Hogwarts Express. Daria and Harry
sit on one side and Harry and Hermione the other. They're chatting amiably,
nibbling at Cauldron Cakes and sipping cans of cola that AP obviously brought.)
HARRY: I like this. I sometimes finished Dudley's because
his weren't cold enough for him.
HERM: Mother and Father never let me drink it. The
phosphoric acid does -*terrible*- things to your tooth enamel, not to mention
the sugar...
HARRY: Oh, just enjoy it, Hermione.
(Hermione smiles a little and sips her drink.)
HERM: Do you think you'll miss the Muggle world? I mean,
after four years of Hogwarts, I'm getting used to it...
HARRY: And I never really enjoyed all the comforts of the
Muggle world anyway, what with the cupboard under the stairs.
DARIA: Oh, we brought a few of the necessities of our world.
Cola, regular paints, playing cards that don't blow up...
AP: Hey, and I got a new laptop for the occasion...
HERM: Oh, AP, I have bad news for you. Nothing electrical
works at Hogwarts. There's just too much magic in the air.
AP: But ... but ... how do you write your essays?
HARRY: Quill pen and parchment.
AP: H ... h ... h-handwriting?
(AP keels over on the floor of the carriage with a
-*thump*-. Harry and Hermione look surprised. Daria just shrugs with
resignation.)
DARIA: (sigh) Enervate.
(AP sits up with a panicked expression on his face)
AP: (deep breaths) A typewriter? Do I at least get a
typewriter?!
HERM: I wouldn't mind, but some of the teachers might feel
it's too ... rooted in the Muggle world, I suppose.
AP: You don't understand! I last handwrote an essay in 4th
grade!
DARIA: Does Hogwarts hold a class in Remedial Penmanship?
This sort of thing can't be all -*that*- rare...
HERM: Well, if that was the case, they likely would have had
Ron in it by now...
AP: But you've -*seen*- my handwriting! It looks like ...
like ... like...
DARIA: Six year old. Turbulent airplane. Poor motor control.
AP: Thank you. (beat) I think. (beat) There's -*gotta*- be a
way to make my laptop work!
HERM: Oh, cheer up. Until we get to Hogsmeade station, we're
mostly on Muggle tracks and not packed as closely together... you might get a
couple hours of Solitaire out of it.
AP: I don't do Solitaire. (beat) Or Windows. (beat) Oh my
god, my e-mail!
HARRY: Active?
AP: (spastic nod) Very.
DARIA: AP, how many people are you going to get e-mail from
that aren't here?
AP: Let's see ... there's the s_i_w mailing list and my
contacts in the warez and cracker world.
HERM: Well, you could owl someone you trust and have them
send over anything urgent.
AP: (smirk) RFC1149 in action.
HARRY: RFC1149?
AP: Implementation of TCP/IP over avian-based networks. In
short, the world wide web by carrier pigeon. Set yourself up on the roof with a
bowl of birdseed, and you're a packet sniffer!
DARIA: AP...
AP: (on a roll now) Hey, set yourself up on your roof with a
shotgun. (mimes firing said shotgun) -*Blam!*- Gives a whole new meaning to the
term 'packet loss'!
DARIA: AP, that's not even funny to -*me*-.
AP: (sigh) All I can do is geek humour and no one gets it
but me...
DARIA: You know, if you're upset about your computer, just
think how disappointed Lynn will be when she realises that her CD player
doesn't...
LYNN: (OS from the next compartment down) EX-*CUSE*- ME?!?
(There is some low muttering -- all four of them are
straining to hear but all they can hear is the anxious note in Ron's voice and
Jane's grumbling. Then a door is flung open and they hear a piece of plastic
and metal getting thrown down the train. AP opens the door a crack and they all
peer out to see a Discman lying in the corridor. A further noise alerts them
and they stand back as Lynn appears in her own doorway, wand raised. Ron peers
behind her nervously.)
RON: Lynn, I know you're...
LYNN: (pointing the wand at the Discman) Reducto!
(The thing blows up. Everyone just stares.)
RON: (weakly) ...Upset...
LYNN: (shrug; perfectly calmly) Damn thing never worked
right anyway. (beat; noticing the audience) Hi, guys.
(She steps back into the compartment. Ron and AP share a
look. AP grins. Ron goggles. And then they both step into their compartments
and shut the doors in unison.)
(Scene: Hogsmeade station, night. The train comes to a stop
and TFJM, Harry, Hermione, and Ron get out of the car and look around. There
aren't very many people left on the platform. Harry et. al look around for
Hagrid, looking somewhat confused. TFJM is standing around wondering
"Where do we go from here?")
AP: (doing a bad C3P0 impression) Oh, no one to meet us?
(Lynn looks at him oddly) What?
HARRY: Strange. Hagrid is usually around to greet the first
years.
JANE: Think our reputation precedes us?
FRED: Nah. He can't run *that* far anyway.
GEORGE: Probably he just didn't wait cos you're not actually
first-years.
FRED: Not -*normal*- first-years, at least.
GEORGE: Not that you could ever be normal -*anything*-...
(Dean Thomas wanders up to them, mercifully ending this
little double-act.)
DEAN: If you're looking for first years, they left on the
boats already.
DARIA: (flatly) Oh, the pain, the pain.
JANE: Yeah, and I was hoping to get rid of what I had for
lunch.
(Dean looks at her strangely, then shrugs and walks off to
the carriages, which our heroes see for the first time.)
JANE: So, ground turbulance or sea sickness. Your call.
(They all pause, Daria looks a bit green. The rest of the
gang shrug in a "What choice do we have now?" way and walk off
camera.)
(Scene: carriage interior. Daria and Lynn are sitting next
to each other. Jane and AP are sitting across from them. Daria looks even
greener. She's not looking out the window, but the others are -- well, Jane
glances out occasionally but the rest of the time, she sketches as best as she
can by the dim light of the moon coming through the carriage windows. Camera
cuts to outside and moves up above the carriage, and we see why Jane's so
avidly sketching; Hogwarts looms impressively before them. Cut back to Lynn in
the carriage.)
LYNN: (quietly) "What have you, my good friends,
deserved at the hands of fortune that she sends you to prison hither?"
(looks up briefly at Daria [sickly-looking], AP [lost] and Jane [not
listening], then sighs) Never mind.
(She goes back to looking out the window. A couple seconds
later, she reaches down, grabs an air-sickness bag, and holds her hand
offscreen, all while keeping her eyes on the window. We hear the sweet sounds
of someone having a vomit. Lynn, still not looking, then brings the bag away from
Daria.)
JANE: (still sketching) We should have gotten some
dramamine.
AP: Or I could have just made some.
DARIA/LYNN: (forceful unison) NO!
(AP looks slightly offended, then shrugs. Lynn picks up the
bag again and hands it off screen, still not looking. She takes it back again
and folds it up neatly before opening a window with her other hand and throwing
it out. She then gives an annoyed sigh.)
(Scene: entrance hall. Entire assemblage walking towards the
Great Hall, Ron in the lead. They approach a corridor entrance and Ron pokes
his head around the corner ... then draws it back sharply, face white.)
HERM: Ron? Whatever's the matter?
RON: Snape!
(Lynn shushes him.)
DUMBLEDORE: (OS) I'm sure you'll do a better job with the
Defense against the Dark Arts class than has been done in the past.
RON: Oh no! Snape got Defense Against the Dark Arts!
HARRY: Ron, are you -*sure*-?
RON: Well? Who -*else*- has hair that black? (Harry raises
an eyebrow and points to his own head) Oh, fine, but you think I could mistake
-*Snape*- after all this time?
DARIA: This is a problem -*why*-?
HARRY: You don't know Snape.
JANE: That goes without saying; we just -*got*- here...
AP: Is there going to be dinner? I'm -*starved*-.
LYNN: Harry, you think we could get the house elves to cook
up an AP special pizza?
HARRY: What's on it?
LYNN: Tuna, onions, capers, artichoke hearts, cayenne
peppers, shrimp, and extra garlic.
RON: Don't let Hermione hear you talking about that, or
she'll start with that SPEW stuff again.
HARRY: For once, I'll agree. Making them cook that would be
cruelty.
JANE: Better than making them -*eat*- it. Spew is right.
HARRY: Well, don't worry too much about that, anyway.
There's a big feast tonight.
RON: Oh, and I'll be able to eat, will I? Not only will we
both be in danger of failing Potions, but Defense Against the Dark Arts as
well!
HERM: Oh, be reasonable, Ron. Snape -*can't*- take both
Potions -*and*- Defense Against the Dark Arts. There'll be a replacement in
Potions at least. And maybe whoever takes his place will be easier on poor
Neville...
RON: Not to mention poor -*Harry*-...
(Since there's little more to say to that, they just enter the
Great Hall.)
(Scene: the Great Hall. At the far end of the Gryffindor
table, quite near the door, Harry, Hermione and Ron are alternating their gazes
between the Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP, who stand just inside the doorway,
deliberately separating themselves from the first years so they don't look
-*totally*- out of place, and the staff table. Camera moves down the line of
the teachers, showing Hagrid, Flitwick, et al... and stops at Dumbledore, who
is chatting to a man with longish dark hair. Like the others, we only get a
rear view of him.)
RON: See, I told you it's Snape.
HERM: Are you -*sure*-, Ron? It only looks a -*little*- like
Professor Snape ... he seems less thin, for one thing...
HARRY: And his hair's usually greasier-looking.
RON: So he stuffed himself stupid this summer and washed his
hair for a change! I'm telling you, that's -*Snape*-!
(Cut to Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP.)
JANE: They sure are in a panic about that Snape guy...
AP: Well, Ron says he's a biased teacher and is always
nasty, so I guess I'd panic too, if I knew him.
DARIA: From what I've heard, the one time he was acting
substitute for Defense Against the Dark Arts, he was insufferable. I can see
not being thrilled about it.
LYNN: Well, you can -*all*- relax. That's not Snape.
(This draws looks.)
JANE: How the hell do you know -*that*-?
LYNN: (a little evasive) Last I heard, Severus Snape wasn't
part Chinese.
(We finally get a look at the black-haired man Dumbledore's
been talking to as he casts his eyes around the room -- he is indeed of Chinese
descent. In fact, he's the same man we saw Lynn talking to in "Love's
Labour". His eyes stop on the gang and he smiles a little at them before
turning back to Dumbledore. Cut to Harry, Ron and Hermione, who've also seen
the face of the man they thought was Professor Snape.)
HERM: (smug) You were saying, Ron?
RON: (sulky) Shut it, Hermione.
HARRY: Cheer up. At least it means that Snape doesn't have
Defense Against the Dark Arts.
(Dumbledore stands up and the room goes quiet. Daria, Jane,
Lynn and AP instinctively move a little closer to Harry, Ron and Hermione.)
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to another new year at Hogwarts. Now, as
last year, we have some foreign visitors among us, not least our new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher. Please welcome Professor Bishop.
WARLOCK: Just Warlock. Please.
(There is bewildered applause as the man identified as
"Warlock" forgoes standing and just raises a hand in acknowledgement.
Pan to Snape, who's just entered -- he sneers maliciously at Warlock but says
nothing.)
DUMBLEDORE: Now, if we can begin the Sorting...
(McGonnagall exits and returns with a stool and the Sorting
Hat. The first years goggle at it; Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are less obvious.)
DARIA: I can hear Quinn screaming from here.
JANE: It's got a sort of post-apocalyptic feel to it. You
know, "I withstood the big nuke and all that scares me now is a pair of
scissors..."
AP: It -*talks*-?
HARRY: Yeah. You put it on and it Sorts you into whatever
house it sees you belonging in.
LYNN: I mean, if I went around saying I was a Gryffindor
just because some tight-lipped teacher lobbed a pointy hat at me, they'd put me
away.
HARRY: Sorry?
LYNN: You're British. Surely -*you've*- heard of Monty
Python...
HARRY: Comedians?
LYNN: Among the best.
HARRY: Oh, then I wouldn't know. The Dursleys don't have a
sense of humour.
(The rip in the Hat's brim opens and it starts to sing ...
something rather unexpected.)
HAT: (to the tune of "The Lumberjack Song") o/ I'm
a Sorting Hat and I'm okay, I sleep all year, and I sort one day! o/
DUMBLEDORE, MCGONAGALL, & FLITWICK: (the latter two
looking like they don't quite believe they're having to do this) It's a Sorting
Hat and it's okay, it sleeps all year, and it sorts one day!
LYNN: I don't believe this...
HAT: o/ I meet first years, I pick their brains, I find out
lots of stuff
Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff? o/
AP: (as the teachers chorus) Guess -*someone*- around here
heard of Monty Python...
RON: Is he a Parselmouth or what?
(Lynn and AP just look at him.)
HAT: o/ I meet first years, I read their minds, I tell them
where to go
You may be uncertain but I will always know! o/
HERM: My father had a Monty Python album from when he was in
college.
HARRY: What happened to it?
HERM: Crookshanks ate it.
LYNN: I will hurt that cat.
HAT: o/ I read your mind, I know your hopes, I know just
what you dread
You might be amazed, what's in some teachers' he--
SNAPE: Quietus!
(Silence falls instantly. The entire school stares at Snape,
who maintains his imperious demeanour. Dumbledore gives Snape an odd look.)
MCGONAGALL: (slightly wrong-footed) We have a few older
students joining us this year, so we thought we'd sort them first. Lane, Jane
Amber...
(Jane moves over to the stool and sits down. McGonagall puts
the hat on her; it slips over her eyes.)
HAT: (mind-voice heard only to Jane) Hmm ... an artist ...
creative ... visionary... You've pushed yourself for your art, haven't you,
young lady? (pause as Jane says nothing) Oops. Didn't mean to strike a
nerve. But you've dared to put things on
canvas that the world's never seen. And facing this Li woman I see ... that's a
challenge worthy of any GRYFFINDOR! (pause) I said GRYFFINDOR!
(Suddenly, the Hat hops off her head, over to Snape, and
"glares" up at him.)
JANE: A-HEM!
SNAPE: (doesn't -*quite*- roll eyes) Very well. Sonorus.
HAT: (accusatory) I had enough time to think about it. She's
a GRYFFINDOR!
(There is applause. Jane joins Harry, Ron and Hermione, who
greet her at the table with a smile.)
MCGONAGALL: (going to retrieve the hat) All right then.
McIntyre, Andrew Phillip...
(AP tries to step forward, trips over [it would appear to
the outside observer] the marble, knocks over the stool and nearly bowls
McGonagall over. Laughter from the rest of the school -- good-natured in some
areas but a bit nasty from the Slytherins [particularly from the Crabbe, Goyle
and Malfoy end of the table].)
AP: (getting up) Sorry, ma'am...
(McGonagall glares at him. He silently 'eep's and rights the
stool, plunking himself down on it. McGonagall sets the hat on his head. The
following conversation is mind-voice only.)
HAT: Don't worry, lad. That entrance won't count against
you. It's what's -*in*- your head that matters, not what's holding that head
off the floor. Hmm ... an audacious one. Bright enough but not exactly a dab
hand with the language...
AP: HEY! (beat) Well, -*she*- has all my words!
HAT: Good for her. And you break the rules, I can see that,
but only because you hardly notice them. And because of her as well...
AP: (mild cringe; and this comes out loud) Muuuuuh...
HAT: And you've risked your life for her at -*least*- once.
You're braver than even -*you*- know, young man. Now go join your cousins in
GRYFFINDOR!
(That last was called out to the crowd, who applaud. AP
pulls the Hat off his head and looks up at McGonagall with big puppy eyes.)
AP: Ma'am?
MCGONAGALL: (*blink*) Yes?
AP: What's 'audacious' mean?
(Minor pause as McGonagall looks at him.)
MCGONAGALL: Invest in a dictionary, McIntyre; I'd prefer not
interrupt the whole Sorting for a vocabulary lesson. Smythe, Daria Elizabeth
Morgendorffer...
DARIA: (facefault) -*Smythe*-?
LYNN: (*shrug*) At least they kept the 'Morgendorffer'...
(Daria steps up to the stool, sits down, and puts the hat on
her head. The entire conversation between Daria and the hat is mind-voice
only.)
HAT: Oh my... Bright, yes, terribly, terribly bright -- but
so little motivation!
DARIA: Excuse me?
HAT: I see anger in there as well -- buried, but it's there
and no mistake.
DARIA: Repeat. Excuse me?
HAT: Anger at the world for being the way it is, at the
people who surrender to it, at yourself for not doing more to change it...
DARIA: I've spent my life trying to avoid this kind of
cross-examination, you realise...
HAT: Only because you knew nobody'd understand it. Between
all the people whose thoughts have been through here, there's not much I
haven't seen.
DARIA: Comforting. Right. Can we get on with this?
HAT: Yes, yes ... oh ho, what's -*this*-? You've done more
good than you think, young lady!
DARIA: Uh ... by signing up as a conscientious objector to
everything?
HAT: Oh, you'd be surprised how much courage it can take to
be a conscientious objector. Especially when you get drafted anyway.
DARIA: Uh ... right.
HAT: You and your friend had the courage to destroy your own
creation rather than see it compromised. That took more nerve than you may ever
know.
DARIA: Uh...
HAT: And believe me, I know quite a bit about nerve. After
all, I used to belong to Godric GRYFFINDOR!
(That last word was shouted to the room at large. Daria
pulls the hat off, looks at it speculatively, then hands it to McGonagall. Then
she wanders to the Gryffindor table cringing with embarrassment.)
MCGONAGALL: Smythe, Lynn Jaquenetta Cullen...
LYNN: (as she steps forward) Had to be the full name, didn't
it.
(She sits down and puts the hat on. Again, conversation in
mindspace only [don't you just -*love*- being omnicient?].)
HAT: Oh ... you're quite a mixed bag, aren't you?
LYNN: Excuse me?
HAT: Ruthless as Salazar Slytherin himself -- well, maybe
not -*as*- ruthless, but ruthless in ways that'd make old Serpent-tongue green
with envy. (Lynn winces) I'm not finished, dearie. Maybe not as -*wise*- as
Rowena Ravenclaw, but then, Muggles these days seem to know more about the
world. The bits of it they -*do*- know about, anyway. (Lynn looks a little
offended) What you did to this Li woman showed your cleverness -- not to
mention your bravery. You've done a -*lot*- of nervy things since you came to
Lawndale. And before as well.
LYNN: You think I'd have let that Hutchins jackoff hurt AP?
HAT: He was much bigger than you. Going up against him, even
in little ways, showed considerable courage, not to mention loyalty to a
friend.
LYNN: -*Hufflepuff*-?
HAT: Did I say that? No, I didn't. And that's the point,
really -- what I meant about the mixed bag. You've the qualities of -*all*- of
the Hogwarts Four, just like me. But as yet, I can't quite tell which is
uppermost.
LYNN: I am not a hat.
HAT: True, and the students probably wouldn't like -*you*-
sitting on their heads. (chuckle)
LYNN: (slight smirk) o/` Sit on my face, and tell me that
you love me... o/`
HAT: Miss Smythe, please! There are first-years present!
LYNN: So, are you saying I can't be sorted?
HAT: No, I'm only saying it may take a bit longer than
usual. Unless you'd like to make a suggestion?
LYNN: Uh... I'm pretty sure that's not my job...
HAT: No, but every little bit helps. Hmm ... that
ruthlessness, that disregard for rules that get in your way ... and the name --
"beautiful serpent"...
LYNN: ("oh god" expression) The problem with that
is that my only ambition is to remain as -*un*-ambitious as possible.
HAT: I beg to differ, young lady. In any case, it fits as
well as any of the others. As I said, none of them's really an obvious match.
Oh dear, this is going to be a difficult choice. Very difficult indeed. I'm
really going to have to think on this...
(There is a long pause.)
LYNN: (aloud) This sucks. Can I go now?
(She grabs the Hat by the point and pulls. But the hat will
not come off -- it seems to have contracted so that it is stuck where it is,
obscuring Lynn's eyes.)
HAT: (it's speaking aloud now too) I let go when I get you
sorted, dearie, and not a moment before.
LYNN: Uh ... what's the deal here?
MCGONAGALL: (wide-eyed) This has almost never happened. Not
since... (she shoots a sidelong glance at the staff table) Well, a long time
ago. (long beat; McGonagall clears her throat) Uh ... I hate to rush you but
... have you quite made up your mind?
HAT: I'll tell you when I know myself, ma'am, don't worry...
(And then the hat just sits there. McGonagall and Dumbledore
share a look.)
DUMBLEDORE: Well. It appears the Sorting will have to be ...
postponed. The Feast will continue as planned -- please take seats next to your
friends and neighbours for the time being. At the end of the Feast, should the
Hat remain undecided... (Lynn cringes on her stool) ...the first-years will
sleep under the stars of the Great Hall ceiling for the night. Uh, Madame
McGovern, would you take Ms Cullen to the hospital wing for tonight?
(Over steps a short, stocky woman with long brown hair.
Regular TLAS readers will recognise her as Jan, Lynn's cousin met in "Rue
Britannia". Daria, Jane and AP, who have clustered protectively around
Lynn, facefault. Jan puts a finger to her lips with a mischievous smirk.)
JAN: Oh, wonderful. Most ludicrous student 'injury' in
Merlin-knows-how-many years and Muggins here gets to deal with it.
LYNN: (recognises the voice) Jan?!?
JAN: Well, at least there's nothing wrong with your hearing.
Oh, and it's Kestrel here. Or Kes to my friends. Madame McGovern to the rest of
the students. So now you know. And I don't have to kill you after all.
DARIA: 'Kestrel'?
(Jan [henceforth 'Kes'] vanishes and in her place is a small
raptor with silver ring markings around its eyes, much like Kes' glasses. Then
she changes back.)
KES: One of the seven registered Animagi of the century. Is
there a problem?
JANE: That ... is -*too*- damn cool. Can I learn to change
into a cheetah or something here?
KES: Not in your first proper year, Jane. Now come on, you
lot. I take it you wanted to keep her company.
DARIA: For as long as we can, yeah.
LYNN: You realise that if you keep showing the freakin'
concern, my blushing may -*combust*- this stupid Hat.
HAT: Don't even -*joke*-!
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. It's incredibly foggy, so that you
can only see a few feet in any direction. Lynn stands there, dressed normally
but for two exceptions; her purple jacket is bright red, and the T-shirt
underneath it is gold. She notices this and looks exasperated.)
LYNN: Jane! Have you been fooling around with Rit-Dye again?
(There's no reply. She looks over her shoulder; Jane, AP,
Harry and Hermione are standing there, unmoving. Behind them are some other
people, but their features are lost in the mist. Lynn frowns.)
LYNN: Jane? AP? Hello...
VOICE: (OS) Crucio.
(The curse hits one of the faceless people behind her; the
screaming begins. Lynn turns around and sees three dark cloaked figures
standing directly in front of them all. Before anyone can react, the middle
figure raises a hand -- it's silver, and in it is clutched a wand -- in Harry's
direction.)
VOICE: (OS) Avada kedav...
(Lynn doesn't even hesitate -- she throws herself directly
in the path of the wand. She sees a flash of green light and...)
(Scene: hospital wing. Lynn sits bolt upright, trying to stifle
a scream with both hands ... and the movement makes the Sorting Hat fall off.)
HAT: (sounding rather smug) THAT SETTLES IT! -*GRYFFINDOR*-!
(Lynn looks at the hat in some kind of panic. Kes pokes her
head in, with a slight smirk.)
KES: Well. My first effective cure. (beat) Cup of tea?
(Lynn levels that "The world has gone insane and taken
you with it" look on Kes.)
(Scene: Hogwarts corridor. Kes is leading Lynn along it.)
LYNN: I could have found my own way.
KES: Tell me you'd have negotiated that last staircase
without a little help.
LYNN: I'm not used to vanishing steps.
KES: Well, there's a -*lot*- of oddities you'll have to get
used to. Not to mention your father.
LYNN: Excuse me?
KES: Well, from the sounds of things, you're this family's
first Gryffindor since old Phoenix himself. Well, besides Daria, but ... well,
when she won't even take the name... (beat) And realise that they were only
half-accepting of my going to Ravenclaw, my being a generation or so removed
and all.
LYNN: And the rest of them?
KES: -*Think*- about it, gel. Your father? Your grandad?
-*Lorna*-, for pity's sake? Grandmother Janice, even? Slytherins, each and
every one.
(A great deal of silence.)
LYNN: Oh.
(They've arrived at the Fat Lady.)
KES: Now, the password's "phoenix ashes" for the
time being... (the portrait hole opens) ...so I'll leave you to it. My regards
to your sister.
(She transforms and flies out the nearest window. Lynn looks
awkwardly at the portrait hole, like going in would make her a fraud. Then she
sighs and starts to clamber in.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Hermione is sitting at a
table, reading something large and musty-looking, not even seeming to notice
that the portrait hole is standing open. She does look up, however, when Lynn
enters, looking a little haggard.)
HERM: Lynn?
LYNN: (slightly dazed) The damn thing finally picked. And
so, here I am. Where's Daria?
HERM: Upstairs; I'll get her if you want...
(Enter Ron, wearing his far-too-short paisley pyjamas,
rubbing his eyes and looking half-awake.)
RON: Gmrph.
HERM: Don't mind him. He's...
LYNN: Good morning to you too, Ron. Where's AP and Harry?
RON: Umpsl. (beat) Mwrgh?
LYNN: Yeah. From the blue and gold of Lawndale to the red
and gold of Gryffindor house. Go, me. (beat) And could you go wake them up?
They're going to want to know how it turned out.
RON: Yrrthn.
(Ron staggers upstairs. Hermione looks at Lynn with a
stunned expression.)
LYNN: I'd say it runs in the family, but Jane does it too.
(to the confused look) If you don't mind another book to read, I can teach you
how to translate that.
HERM: A...all right. (beat) You mean it's a -*language*-?
LYNN: In a way. It translates well to British English, which
is something I'm going to have to footnote later...
(We hear *thumpthumpthumpthump*...)
AP: (OS) Whaaaaagh!
(*THUD*. AP lands on the floor in front of them, in a pair
of blue boxer shorts and a T-shirt [when he stands up, it shows Pinky and The
Brain under the caption "Pinky ... are you pondering what I'm
pondering?"]. When he does get to his feet, he grabs Lynn in a hug. She
stands rigid, totally stunned.)
AP: You got -*in*-! You got -*in*-! I thought you might go
Slytherin cos of the crap we used to pull but you got -*in*-! WhoooooHOO!
LYNN: (blushing) Uh ... yeah.
(AP finally realises what he's doing, blushes madly, lets go
in a big tearing hurry and steps backwards so fast his feet get tangled up and
he falls over. Harry enters then, followed by Ron, Daria and Jane.)
DARIA: Well, I guess this clinches it. You're -*not*- as bad
as you lead people to believe.
JANE: Oh, but don't let -*that*- get out. It'll spoil her
reputation. (beat) Oops, too late. She has a heart -*after*- all.
LYNN: Will you two shut up? I'm not -*that*- bad.
AP: Tell it to Mr Harris, Purple Peril. Or Herr
Dungeonkeeper back in Oakwood High.
HARRY: I suppose I don't want to know. Well, welcome to
Gryffindor House, Lynn.
HERM: Yes, congratulations! I mean, Ravenclaw wouldn't have
been so bad -*really*-...
RON: I sometimes wonder if the hat wasn't a little bit
senile when it put her in here...
HERM: RON!
(Enter Fred, George and Lee.)
GEORGE: Wicked! We got -*both*- Smythes!
DARIA: I am -*not*- a...
LEE: Oi Lynn! Now you can show us that fancy broomstick of
yours -*properly*-!
FRED: Not to mention those Serpent Surprises you were
telling us about for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes!
GEORGE: C'mon; let's go to breakfast. Lynn, you must be
starved, as you missed the banquet and everything.
LEE: Serpent -*Surprises*-? You've -*got*- to let me in on
-*this*- one...
(The Weasley twins and Lee lead Lynn out the portrait hole;
she only has time to give a slightly nervous apologetic shrug at her friends
before she's dragged off. AP, still on the floor, slumps.)
RON: Don't mind them. They're just a bit excited to have
someone around who can help them out.
HERM: They're going to get her into -*so*- much trouble,
Ron... Can't you -*talk*- to them?
AP: Or -*I*- could. I mean, I know she likes that kinda
thing but if she's gonna hang around them -*all*- the time...
HERM: Well, that's part of why you're here, isn't it? I
mean, meeting people from different cultures and making new friends ... but
-*not*- to go around turning people into canaries and that sort of rubbish.
She'd be better off learning something -*useful*. (ignoring the looks) Well, if
you're not going to do anything, -*I'm*- going to go down to breakfast and be a
-*good*- influence on Lynn.
(She stalks over to the portrait hole and exits.)
RON: Yeah, she's a -*great*- influence. She used an illegal
magical artefact, walked out on Professor Trelawny, helped pinch a hippogriff
and a wanted murderer, hit Malfoy, and tried to liberate the Hogwarts house
elves. And she calls herself a good influence. Huh.
AP: (picking himself up off the floor again) Well, I'm gonna
go get dressed and do breakfast too. I mean, if these Serpent Surprise things
are half the work they sound like they're gonna be, they're gonna need some
help.
(AP exits towards the dormitories. Daria and Jane look at
each other.)
DARIA: Jane ... are you pondering what I'm pondering?
JANE: (bad Pinky imitation) 'I think so, Brain, but burlap
chafes me so.'
DARIA: (*groan*) Never mind. Breakfast?
JANE: Sure. Do they do coffee?
DARIA: This is -*England*-. I'm not sure they know it
exists.
JANE: Crap.
(Exit Daria and Jane. Harry and Ron look at each other.)
RON: Serpent Surprises?
HARRY: Some kind of jealousy.
RON: Someone who's almost as good as you on a broomstick.
HARRY: Muggle influences everywhere.
RON: They make Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle look -*normal*-.
HARRY: Depending on how you look at it.
RON: We going to survive this year, Harry?
HARRY: I suppose. Either because of them or in spite of
them.
(beat)
RON: Breakfast?
(Harry shrugs and they exit.)
(Scene: Great Hall. Lynn is seated between Fred and George
at a table; Lee's next to George. The boys are talking animatedly, while Lynn
sits slightly pale and silent. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sitting on Fred's
other side, while Daria, Jane and AP are next to Lee. AP looks at the liquid in
his goblet.)
AP: -*Pumpkin*- juice?
DARIA: I guess the stereotypes have to come from
-*somewhere*-.
(Pan to Fred, George and Lynn.)
GEORGE: So maybe we could all get together and play a casual
Quidditch game sometime.
FRED: Proper Aussie Rules, this time. Since you're related
to the nurse and all...
LYNN: Can you spare the practice time?
FRED: Well, it'd -*be*- practice for us, wouldn't it? And it
would give Lee a chance to play. (aside to Lynn) Lee fancies himself the next
Oliver Wood.
LEE: (who heard that) I do -*not*-! I like commentating.
Well, when McGonagall isn't censoring me...
GEORGE: I heard some of what you said when we won the
Quidditch cup a couple of years back, Lee. I was surprised she didn't use
"Quietus" on you.
LEE: Well, you should have heard the language -*she*- was
using. When Malfoy grabbed Harry's broom, I learned a few new words...
(Parvati and Lavender approach the table, standing just
behind Lynn.)
PARVATI: Hello ... I'm Parvati Patil, and this is Lavender
Brown. We're in Gryffindor too.
LYNN: Uh. Hi. (beat; as Parvati and Lavender look at each
other nervously) Did you want something?
LAVENDER: Well ... yes. You see...
PARVATI: Ooh, Lynn, we heard all about how you finally got
Sorted! It's simply -*incredible*-!
LYNN: (taken aback) How'd you hear about -*that*-?
LAVENDER: -*We*- go to see Professor Trelawny every day for
extra lessons in the mornings.
PARVATI: Ooh, she's simply -*wonderful*-, Lynn; you -*must*-
meet her!
LYNN: I've heard about her. The lady with big glasses, way
too much jewellery and has given maybe two authentic predictions in her entire
life?
(Lavender and Parvati look scandalised.)
LAVENDER: I don't know -*where*- you heard something like
that, but it's -*not*- true. Professor Trelawny is a true seer. Why -*else*-
would Dumbledore have told her about the true dream you had?
LYNN: What are you two neo-hippies talking about?
PARVATI: (confused) What's a 'neo-hippie'?
LYNN: Never mind. Just tell me what's going on or leave me
alone.
LAVENDER: Madame McGovern was instructed to tell Dumbledore
anything that happened to you during the time you had the Sorting Hat on. She
did, and he went to Profesor Trelawny with it.
HERM: (disdainful sniff) I don't see -*why*-. She's an utter
fraud and I wouldn't be surprised if...
LAVENDER: Oh, what do -*you*- know, Hermione? Just because
there's one class on earth you're not good at...
(Hermione looks outraged, but keeps her mouth shut.)
PARVATI: Anyway, Lynn, she insisted that what you saw was a
true dream of your future, one that would prove you a Gryffindor. And that you
must be very, very careful because the darkness she sees around... (stops; eyes
shift to Harry, who makes a face at her) ...Well, around ... is also focused on
-*you*-!
LAVENDER: Oh, you -*must*- transfer to Divination, Lynn.
Professor Trelawny says you have the makings of a true seer, just like Harry
Potter! And to deny that could mean ... (nervous swallow) ...your doom.
AP: (muttering into his breakfast plate) Biiiiiig mistake,
Lav...
DARIA: Excuse me?
AP: Ever tried telling Purple Peril that she 'must' do
something? Like -*that*-?
DARIA: No, because frankly, I'd fear for my life. (beat) Oh.
LYNN: I see. You and your aura-reading cronies would like me
to ditch one of my other classes so that I can sit in some hot stuffy room
three days a week and look into a hunk of glass and pretend I see something
nasty in it.
PARVATI: Divination's hardly like -*that*-, Lynn.
LYNN: Oh, I think it is. Muggles have the
less-than-reputable art of Divination too ... as you'd know if you took Muggle
Studies a bit more seriously. Or at all. And I don't see why -*your*- way of
telling the future should be any less random, meaningless and just plain dumb
than the Muggle way.
LAVENDER: But -*Lynn*-...
LYNN: The only future I believe in is the one I make for
myself. And I'd hardly be making my own future if I listened to -*you*- instead
of taking classes that actually make some kind of -*sense*- to me. (beat) If
you -*can*- see the future, you know -*exactly*- what I'm going to say to you
next.
PARVATI: Well, we're hardly trained...
LYNN: Then let me help you. (beat) Sod off with your
Divination mumbo-jumbo before I try out human Transfiguration. Because I think
you'd both make very good bookends -- nice to look at, but only -*next*- to the
knowledge.
(Parvati and Lavender take a step back, looking afraid but
also miffed.)
LAVENDER: We'll ... try another time. Maybe when you're in
less of a mood.
(Lavender stalks off. Parvati looks at Lynn with honest
concern.)
PARVATI: Oh, -*do*- think about it, Lynn. It would be really
good for you.
(Very short silence.)
LYNN: Okay, I've thought about it. Go away.
(Parvati scurries off. Hermione looks vindicated.)
HERM: Well done, Lynn. Honestly, those Divination people are
-*entirely*- too full of themselves.
HARRY: (a little less sure) You might want to talk about
that some more with Dumbledore, though, Lynn. Sometimes those kinds of dreams
-*can*- be serious. And while I don't think Professor Trelawny is the best
person to talk to...
LYNN: Look, the stupid thing helped me get Sorted so I could
finally get that stupid Hat off and get on with my life. Right now, that's
-*all*- that dream meant to me. So can we drop the subject now, please? (beat)
I'm going to send an owl to Dad. He asked for updates.
(Lynn leaves her barely-touched breakfast and walks off. A
hush falls over the large group.)
RON: Is she -*always*- like that?
DARIA: Ever since I've known her. AP?
AP: OHyeah. She'll be fine when this dies down. (looking in
the direction Lynn took) I think.
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Lynn's playing Solitaire
with an Exploding Snap deck when the remaining FJM and HHR enter the room.)
DARIA: I brought your...
(Lynn lays a card down and the whole thing blows up; Lynn
looks blandly at the cards for a second, then takes off her glasses and starts
polishing them on her robes.)
LYNN: Remind me to use Muggle cards for that next time...
DARIA: As I was going to say, I got your timetable for the
year.
(She hands it to Lynn, who takes it and starts to study it gravely.
Daria looks at it over her shoulder, as does Jane. Ron grabs AP by the shoulder
and pulls him nearer to where he, Harry and Hermione are standing in total
confusion.)
HARRY: A deck of cards just blew up in her face, and -*no
one*- said a word.
RON: I mean, I know -*I'm*- used to explosions interrupting
things I'm trying to say, but that's cos ... well, -*my*- brothers...
AP: Hey, Purple Peril's used to -*me*-. So are -*they*-. And
hey, they're also used to -*her*-.
(With that, he wanders over to the comparison of timetables.
Harry, Ron and Hermione share a look.)
RON: Like I said. I should get Dean to draw a comic strip
about this lot. It'd outsell Martin Miggs in a -*second*-.
(With that, they join the other gang.)
LYNN: ...-*Divination*-, Jane? After what we saw this
morning?
RON: And -*Muggle Studies*-? What are you doing taking
Muggle Studies? It's bad enough that Hermione took it for a year; you were
-*raised*- Muggle!
JANE: What part of the term 'soft options' don't you
understand?
HARRY: (rueful) Well, I'd hardly call Divination a 'soft
option', Jane.
RON: The amount of time we spend making sure we're not
repeating disasters in the same bit of homework...
JANE: Hey, there's no chance I have the gift of prophesy.
But I -*do*- have the gift of lying my way out of a hard situation.
DARIA: (slightly snide) It just takes her awhile.
JANE: How often am I going to have to apologise for that?
DARIA: Until I forget about it.
(beat)
JANE: Damn you and your nearly flawless memory!
DARIA: Okay, Lynn, Ancient Runes I understand, but Care of
Magical Creatures?
LYNN: Outdoor, physical work. Anyway, I like animals.
DARIA: If you follow that up with "they taste
great"...
LYNN: What steamroller ran me over and made me a bumper
sticker?
AP: Hey, we got Arithmancy together, Erudite Emerald!
HERM: Oh, you'll -*love*- that one, AP! (beat) But why have
you taken Care of Magical Creatures?
AP: Well ... you guys were... Gotta be -*something*- to it,
right?
LYNN: Best of all, it's a good chance to see what Draco
Malfoy's -*really*- made of. I'm betting greenish-purple wobbly bits.
HARRY: Shame we don't all share at least one free period.
DARIA: (dry) Oh, the curse of diversity.
HARRY: I was just thinking that we should all go and meet
Hagrid. Lynn, you and AP will meet him in lessons, but Daria and Jane...
RON: Yeah, Harry owled Hagrid about you lot when he was at
the Burrow. He'd really like to meet you.
HERM: Well, why don't we all go during lunch?
RON: It'll give us something to look forward to after the
morning, anyway. Double Potions ... with the Slytherins -*again*-! I think
Snape makes sure he puts us with -*them*- just to torture us some more...
HARRY: Well, at least he didn't get Dark Arts, Ron.
JANE: Hey Daria. Think they're exaggerating about Snape?
DARIA: Remember when we had to divest AP of the notion that
Lynn had exaggerated about -*our*- teachers?
(Pause as Jane reruns the conversation through her mind.)
JANE: Right. Damn.
(Scene: Potions dungeon. Snape looks at the class for a
moment. Daria and Jane, sitting at the same table, lock eyes.)
DARIA: First impression?
JANE: Damn!
AP: Hey, this should be a piece of cake. I mean, alchemy's
gotta be just like chemistry. (looking with a bit of disgust at his potions
ingredients) Only with more newt.
SNAPE: Impressed with ourselves, aren't we? Have we been
taking lessons from famous Harry Potter?
(Harry looks ready to say something; Hermione puts a warning
hand on his arm and Lynn shoots back a "he can hold his own" glance.)
AP: Nah. No offense to the guy or anything, but here, I
could kick his ass.
SNAPE: Consider yourself invited to try. Oh, and McIntyre?
Five points from Gryffindor for language.
AP: WHAT? I don't -*have*- language, you annoying little...
(Lynn puts a hand over his mouth) Mmmphmmmphmmph!
SNAPE: And five more for answering back to a teacher. Very
brave of you to protect him from his own idiocy, Ms Smythe. I'd expect no less
from an Auror's daughter.
(Lynn rolls her eyes and says nothing.)
AP: (when she takes her hand off his mouth) You didn't take
his head off. -*You*-.
LYNN: I have a feeling I'm going to lose enough points off
him in the near future. I'd rather not start now.
(AP looks like he wants to argue but Lynn glares him into
submission and faces front.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Harry, Ron and Hermione pile
through the portrait hole. Ron looks incensed.)
RON: That lousy, biased...
HERM: (overriding) -*Ron*-...
RON: Well, what'd he have to go and do that for, eh? Just
because AP's a Gryffindor...
HERM: But Ron, he wasn't horrible to -*all*- the
Gryffindors...
HARRY: Yeah, Ron. He let Lynn off when she stepped in for
AP. He'd have had -*me*- in detention for that.
HERM: (musing) Actually ... he -*would*, wouldn't he? I
wonder why he'd be so nice to her?
RON: I don't much like the sound of that, Hermione.
HARRY: No, it's a good point, Ron. I mean ... she -*is*- a
bit odd, isn't she? That business with the Sorting Hat...
RON: Her father's an -*Auror*-, Harry; you don't really
think that an Auror's daughter's a Dark witch, do you?
HARRY: Look at the Crouches.
RON: Yes, well, all right, but she wasn't -*raised*- by her
father, was she? She was raised by Muggles and didn't even -*know*- until last
year that she was a witch!
HERM: But then there was You-Know-Who!
RON: (sigh) Fine, but that's -*different*-!
HARRY: Thing is, Snape -*isn't*- a Dark wizard. Not anymore,
anyway. Professor Dumbledore did -*say*- Snape only stayed with the Death
Eaters to spy on them...
RON: Yeah, but Dumbledore's a little bit mental, isn't he?
HERM: At any rate, just because he's not with the Death
Eaters -*now*- doesn't mean he can't try finding a few new recruits for
You-Know-Who, does it?
RON: She's best friends with my cousin, Hermione; you
-*can't*- think she...
(Enter Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP. Conversation stops
abruptly.)
DARIA: Can't think she what?
JANE: And who 'she'?
RON: Well, Lynn ... she can't ... er...
HARRY: Er ... escape getting into trouble in Potions
forever. We were just saying how lucky she was to've got off so light.
AP: You're telling me. I get that Jinx Juice right first
time I try and Snape has me pickling slugs in detention for making a half-ounce
too much, wasting ingredients and being a show-off. (slamming his bag down on a
table) Can I -*help*- it if I can do this crap?
LYNN: From what you've said about Snape, I'm surprised I'm
not slated for brine duty myself. (to Harry) You probably know him best; any
clue as to why he's being soft on me?
HARRY: Er...
HERM: Well, all I know is we're going to be late for Ancient
Runes if we don't hurry. Coming?
LYNN: The prof for this one can't be worse than Snape, so
sure. Harry, let me know if you think of anything.
(Exit Daria, Lynn and Hermione.)
RON: Divination?
(Harry groans)
JANE: It -*can't*- be that bad.
RON: Just wait, Jane...
AP: Should I be glad I'm not in on this?
HARRY: Yes.
RON: Very.
AP: Okaaaay... (evil grin) Have fun, Art-Smart Scarlet!
(Jane scowls at AP and leaves with Harry and Ron. AP settles
in a chair and opens "Advanced Potions for the Young Rogue", at which
point, enter Dennis Creevey.)
DENNIS: Hi!
AP: (immersed in book) Hey ho.
(long pause)
DENNIS: You're friends with Harry Potter, aren't you?
AP: Mmm-hmm.
(long pause)
DENNIS: What's America like? Only I've never been and I hear
it's -*really*- cool! But there's supposed to be all kinds of great wizarding
schools in America so Hogwarts must be -*really*- special, mustn't it, if you
were sent all the way here from -*America*-! How'd you find out you were a
wizard? 'Cos Colin and I...
(As Dennis whitters on, AP voices a loud and totally
unnoticed sigh and pretends to listen.)
(Scene: Hogwarts grounds. HHR are leading the way to
Hagrid's hut. AP whittering madly.)
AP: ...the entire Creevey -*family*- has this! It's ... it's
... Purple -*Peril*-!
LYNN: Dependency issues. Hero-worship addiction. (beat)
Desperate need for a life.
JANE: He isn't the -*only*- one. I thought Trelawny was
never going to shut up about you, Lynn. It was "true dream" this and
"seer potential" that.
RON: Our only homework was to try to convince you to change
your mind. (beat) So will you?
LYNN: No.
RON: Right! That's done, then.
HERM: I don't -*believe*- you sometimes, Ron.
RON: What? No one can say I didn't -*try*-! And I have Jane
here as a witness, don't I, Jane?
JANE: I'll be yours if you be mine.
HERM: But neither of you have really -*tried*-! (noting
Lynn's glower) Not that I want her to change her mind against her will,
exactly, but if you -*have*- a homework assignment, you should at -*least*- do
it -*properly*-!
RON: Get serious, Hermione...
HARRY: (to the others, with some relief) Just as well we're
here.
(And they have indeed arrived at Hagrid's hut. Harry knocks
on the door and there's mad barking from inside.)
AP: (*gleep*) Wh-wh-wh...
HARRY: Oh, that's just Fang. For once, one of Hagrid's pets
actually -*is*- as harmless as Hagrid makes him out to be.
(The door opens and Fang flies out, knocking Harry over and
licking his face. Exit Hagrid; Daria, Jane and Lynn facefault but AP openly
stares.)
HAGRID: Fang! -*Down*-, Fang!
AP: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegh. (long pause) Biiiiiiiiiig, isn't he?
HAGRID: Yeh mus' be a Weasley. M' name's Hagrid.
AP: I'm a kind of Weasley, yeah. AP McIntyre. Nice to ...
meet you? (tentatively sticks out a hand)
HAGRID: (takes it) Nice t'meet yeh.
LYNN: (from over AP's shoulder) Lynn Cullen-Smythe. We're in
your Care of Magical Creatures class.
AP: Uh ... nothing's gonna ... eat me, are they?
HAGRID: Not unless yeh don' respect it. Yeh've always got
teh be careful of int'restin' creatures.
DARIA: (aside) And 'interesting creatures' should be taken
to mean...?
RON: (aside) ...'Dangerous monsters'. He keeps forgetting
we're not all "big-boned."
AP: (who caught that) Come again?
HERM: We'll explain another time, AP, how's that?
AP: Uhhhhh...
HAGRID: Tell yeh what, lad; anything tries t'eat yeh, I'll
make it spit yeh out again. How's that?
AP: (sweatdrops) Thanks. I think. Uh...
LYNN: (let's cut this off) Heard you're something of a
dragon buff.
HAGRID: Yeh, tried t'raise a Norwegian Ridgeback once. Had
to send 'im back. Wonder if he misses his Mummy...
JANE: "Mummy"?
RON: He went a bit mental.
HAGRID: No more than yer brother, lad.
RON: Charlie never raised one like a kid, Hagrid.
HAGRID: (remembering his manners and handily changing the
subject) The kettle's gone -- who's for tea? (holds out a plate) Treacle
toffee?
AP: Sure!
RON, HARRY, HERM: Uh ... no, thank you.
(AP looks at his companions strangely. They look back; Ron
sidles over to the Flack-Jackets)
RON: (sotto) We'll explain later. But if you like your teeth
rooted in your mouth, you'll leave his treacle toffee alone.
HARRY: And his rock cakes, come to that.
(slight pause)
AP: I think I'll pass on the toffee, thanks.
HAGRID: Yeh sure yeh wouldn't like summat?
AP: What's in the sandwiches over here?
HAGRID: Stoat.
AP: What's a stoat?
LYNN: "And now for something completely different: a
man with a stoat through his head."
AP: Oh. Can I try one?
HAGRID: Help yerself.
RON: He wants to eat stoat. Is it that Americans are mental,
or is it just him?
AP: (*munchmunchmunch*) Mmm. Bet this'd taste cool on a
pizza.
DARIA, JANE, LYNN: It's just him.
HAGRID: So how're ye findin' Hogwarts?
DARIA: It's not so bad.
AP: 'Cept we got some extra-curricular flying lessons this
afternoon. (beat) Anyone know anything about the med facilities 'round here?
HAGRID: Well, we got a new nurse now, so dunno fer certain,
but don' worry, lad. Yer away from Muggles now and we wizardin' folk can fix
jest about -*anything*-.
DARIA: Good. Because with -*him*-, "wizardin'
folk" are going to -*have*- to.
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. Ms Hooch is looking assessingly at
the gang; Lynn looks bored. Jane looks excited. Daria looks a little nervous.
AP looks terrified.)
HOOCH: I say; that's quite the broom.
LYNN: It's not what you've got, it's how you use it.
HOOCH: Well said, young lady. All right; just hold your wand
hand over the broom, and give the command -- -*up*-!
DARIA, JANE, LYNN, AP: UP!
(Lynn's Stormfront slaps into her hand. The Cleansweep Five
Jane's borrowed does the same. Daria's gets halfway to her hand and then drops.
AP's doesn't move.)
AP: Hmm. Up. Up. -*Up*-! (blink) Uh ... down?
(The broom slaps into his hand. He stares.)
DARIA: Maybe you had it upside down...?
HOOCH: There -*is*- no upside down; this is a
-*broomstick*-!
AP: -*What*-, then?
HOOCH: Well ... perhaps it's a little contrary. Just try
giving it directions opposite to what you actually want it to do.
AP: But...
HOOCH: Oh, just for a few minutes while I find you a more
amenable broom. (to the girls) Keep an eye on him, would you, gels? I won't be
a moment. And don't leave this pitch or it will go hard with you all.
AP: But...
(But Hooch is already striding away across the pitch. AP
looks dubiously at the broom in his hand, then sighs.)
(Scene: Charms class. Flitwick is teaching a group of first
years a lesson we all find very familiar ... if we've read "The
Philosopher's Stone", anyway.)
FLITWICK: Now, remember, swish and flick; swish and flick.
And be careful of your pronunciation...
(He stops at the sound of a dopplering AP-scream)
FLITWICK: Do you hear somet...
AP: (OS) StopstopstopSTOP! Ohwait-craaaaaaaaap!
(-*CRASH*- -- AP careens through a window near the front of
the class on a broomstick ... -*whump*- into Flitwick.)
FLITWICK: Ack! McIntyre, could you...
(AP is too stunned to move; the first-years are pointing,
giggling and catcalling. And Flitwick loses all patience.)
FLITWICK: Wingardium Leviosa!
(AP rises into the air and winds up on the ceiling.)
AP: Ow. (*thunk* as
he hits the ceiling) Ow.
(Scene: Great Hall, int. It's dinnertime and there Hall is
full of noise as people talk about their first days there -- or back, whatever.
TFJM seated with HHR at the Gryffindor table. The house ghosts come through the
walls.)
AP: (breathy whisper) I see dead people... (Lynn baps him.)
Ow! Jeez, Purple Peril, -*you're*- the one who dragged me to that Fifth Sense
thing!
(Lynn rolls her eyes but before she can correct him, Nearly
Headless Nick approaches the table.)
NICK: Ah! New Gryffindors, I see?
LYNN: That's what they tell us.
NICK: Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Gryffindor Tower
resident ghost, at your--
RON: (interrupting) Come off it, Nick. (to TFJM) Just call
him Nearly Headless Nick. Everyone else does. (Nick splutters at this.) Nick,
these are Daria, Lynn, Jane and AP. (He indicates who's who.)
AP: -*Nearly*- headless? How does -*that*- work?
NICK: (rolls eyes, addressing next comment to ceiling) Why
is that always the first question they ask?
DARIA: I have to admit, I'm curious about that myself.
NICK: (still to ceiling) And at what point did my death mark
become a party piece? (adjusts his ruff, then folds his head down onto his
shoulder and indicates the attachment point) Look there. Half an inch of skin
and sinew. If anyone ever asks -*you*-, that's the difference between headless
and nearly-headless. (puts his head to rights, muttering) Forty-five strokes,
for heaven's sake. Even Mary Queen of Scots had it over with quicker...
DARIA: (Sledgehammer of Subject Change out and swinging) So.
You're the Gryffindor ghost in residence. What about the other houses?
NICK: (starts to brighten up) Yes. Well. I'm glad you asked,
young lady. Over there, at the Hufflepuff table, you'll notice their resident
ghost -- we just call him the Fat Friar, and he doesn't mind. Quite likes it
actually. (sotto) Probably because it's a -*little*- more dignified. You'll
also see the Grey Lady at the Ravenclaw table. She tends to keep herself very
much to herself.
RON: I'll say.
NICK: And finally, keeping the Slytherins 'company', we have
the Bloody Baron.
LYNN: (beat) Yeah. (beat) I can definitely see why they
-*call*- him that. (beat) No offense, but how'd he -*get*- so bloody?
(Pause.)
NICK: Do you know? I've never dared ask.
LYNN: Excuse me.
(She gets up and strolls over to the Slytherin table.
Ignoring the gripes from the Slytherins, she turns to the Baron and asks him
something we're too far away to hear. He seems startled for a moment, but then
starts talking, looking almost pleased that someone finally asked him about
it.)
JANE: (surprised) He's actually -*telling*- her?
HARRY: I guess Nick's not the only one who's never had the
nerve to ask.
NICK: (beat) It was as much out of politeness as anything
else.
HERM: I almost wish I could hear them.
(Throughout this, we've been able to see Lynn's eyes
steadily widening as the Baron unfolds his tale.)
DARIA: No you don't.
(Lynn comes shambling back to the Gryffindor table. We see,
as she takes her seat, that she has a serious thousand-yard stare.)
JANE: Well? What -*is*- his story?
LYNN: (quiet) You don't want to know.
DARIA: That bad?
LYNN: Let's just say I hope I can forget it before I get to
sleep.
(Long thoughtful silence.)
AP: Mood-lift? Somewhere? Please?
DARIA: So just the four ghosts at Hogwarts?
NICK: Well, we four are the House ghosts. But there -*are*-
a few lesser lights.
RON: Like Moaning Myrtle. She haunts a girls' toilet.
HERM: She takes ... a little getting used to. (beat) A lot,
actually.
HARRY: She was Volde -- sorry, Ron, -*You-Know-Who's*- very
first victim. I can understand her feeling a little put-upon.
NICK: And then, of course... (with great reluctance)
...there's Peeves...
AP: What's a Peeves?
(On Nick's reluctant look, smash cut to...)
(Scene: corridor at Hogwarts. TFJM walking, HHR close
behind. At which point, a rather large bucket of frogspawn gets dumped over
Lynn's head. She looks up, going that 'really odd shade of maroon', and sees
Peeves looking down at her.)
PEEVES: Gotcha, Yankee squirt! Wheee!
DARIA: I think I see what they mean.
(Peeves then proceeds to throw a hunk of chewing gum at
Daria -- it sticks in her hair.)
DARIA: Ugh!
JANE: No, don't touch that! It'd make a great art project!
DARIA: Jane!
JANE: Well, at least he hasn't... (notices something in
Peeves' hands) Wait ... hey, that's the last of my Muggle paints! Hand it over,
freak!
PEEVES: Takes one to know one! (squirts Jane liberally with
red and yellow paint, then laughs) You're in house colours now!
LYNN: All right. That's -*it*-. (pulls her wand) You have
until the count of three to make yourself very scarce ... or I'll see if
Reducto works on a poltergeist! One ... two...
(Peeves sees she isn't joking, drops the paints and zooms
off.)
RON: Wow. Someone mouthed off to Peeves!
AP: Purple Peril'd mouth off to the devil himself, if he
pissed her off...
JANE: Kick his ass, too.
HARRY: Looks like. But would she mouth off to Voldemort?
RON: Say -*You-Know-Who*-, would you?
AP: Wouldn't stop her. She mouthed off to Cyclops once...
HERM: A cyclops? I thought they were extinct!
AP: Come again?
DARIA: No, that's DeMartino. History teacher with a bulging
eye.
JANE: And a heart that's going to put him in the same
condition as Binns one of these days.
AP: Think Cyclops'd still be teaching, even when he's dead?
JANE: Either that or haunting Kevin.
LYNN: That would be a certain justice.
(TFJM moves on. Harry and Hermione share a look of
confusion, then turn to Ron, who's obviously heard all this before.)
RON: You really shouldn't ask.
(He follows them. Harry and Hermione share another look and
decide to let it lie.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. It's obviously early
morning; Ron, Jane, and AP are holding a conversation in Grog. Herm is
furiously flipping through the Grog dictionary. Enter Lynn, who glances
curiously at the mostly-asleep Ron, Jane and AP and the panicked-looking
Hermione, who looks up somewhat pleadingly at Lynn.)
HERM: They've been like this for about forty minutes. I
think Jane mentioned coffee, and AP said something about "overloading
constructors," but I'm not sure.
LYNN: (looking at her watch) Another hour and they'll have
beaten their record. I'm going to breakfast.
(She exits. Herm looks at her, then flips back into the
dictionary, looking really stressed out to find something she can't
understand.)
(Scene: Great Hall. It's mostly empty, but the entire
Quidditch team is sitting together, eating and talking. Lynn wanders past and
Fred and George grab her with hopeful, avid expressions. As they address her,
they almost override each other, talking as one person.)
FRED: Oi, Lynn, take a seat!
GEORGE: You know how you were saying you wanted to sit in on
a Quidditch practice?
FRED: Well, we've arranged one this morning and you're
welcome to come if you like.
GEORGE: And if you'd lend Harry your Stormfront for the
practice, see if he likes it...
FRED: And then maybe you'd let him borrow it for matches...
HARRY: (interrupting with a frustrated look) I'm happy with
my Firebolt, thanks. It was a gift, and I'm not going to just trade it in
because a better model's out...
GEORGE: Anyway, I think you'd like seeing a practice,
Lynn...
(Ron, Jane and AP stagger in, with Hermione behind them,
still furiously thumbing through the Dictionary.)
HERM: Can you -*please*- make them stop? It's -*terrible*-!
I can only understand one word in ten!
RON: Shppmhrrm.
AP: Wnnbgcffmg.
HERM: Oh, this is -*dreadful*-!
LYNN: Ron told you to shut up. AP wants a large mug of
coffee ... (loudly in AP's direction) which you're not going to -*get*- because
we're in -*England*- now...
AP: Stppfgncntrwffncff...
(Hermione whimpers and puts her head in her hands.)
HARRY: Don't worry, Hermione. A bit of fresh air always
wakes him up. You -*are*- coming to watch our practice, Ron?
RON: Yrrmrrpfft.
HARRY: (to Lynn) That was a...
LYNN: Yes.
HARRY: Where's Daria, anyway?
LYNN: Upstairs. Asleep. Like a sane person.
GEORGE: C'mon, I've had enough of this. Practice, all!
(Angelina, Katie and Alicia get up and head out. Fred and
George grab Ron under the arms and follow, dragging their little brother with
them. Lynn looks at Jane and AP, who are asleep with their heads on the
[thankfully empty] plates. Then she taps Hermione on the shoulder and Hermione
gets up and follows gratefully.)
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. Ron, Hermione and Lynn are standing
within earshot of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. George is addressing them.)
GEORGE: Right; it didn't matter last year that we...
(*WHACK*; a bludger hits Fred in the back of the head and he
goes down. George looks panicked.)
GEORGE: WHAT GIT LET OUT THE BLOODY... (ducks as a bludger
streaks towards him)
MALFOY: (OS) Shame. The Mudbloods and the poor mice don't
seem to be able to keep their equipment under control.
(George picks up his beater's bat on sheer instinct and
knocks aside the bludger that comes his way, which heads in Lynn's direction.
She grabs Fred's bat and whallops the bludger...)
MALFOY: (OS) gnih... (*thump*)
LYNN: And you won't be using yours comfortably for awhile.
(beat) Moron.
(Pan briefly to Malfoy, who is curled up in a foetal
position, cupping his privates in a protective gesture that is far too little
and far too late. Back to the Gryffindors; Harry and George look extremely
uncomfortable. Katie, Alicia and Angelina look impressed. Then the other
bludger heads back their way and George jumps on it. The other one aims for his
head and Lynn whacks it towards Harry, who manages to subdue it. The two boys
strap the bludgers down, murmuring amongst themselves. Enter Hermione and Ron
-- Hermione looks nervous and Ron can barely stand upright he's laughing so
hard.)
HERM: Ron, it's not funny! What if she gets in trouble?
LYNN: Hermione, getting hauled up on the carpet for
something like this would be a pleasure.
(Unnoticed by Lynn, Harry and George wave Katie, Alicia and
Angelina over to where they stand by the box. Ron, Hermione and Lynn walk over
to where Fred is still lying prone on the ground.)
LYNN: Who does the honours?
HERM: Ron has unicorn hair. His'd probably work better.
RON: And he's my brother. (beat) Sure we can't leave him a
little while longer?
HERM: Ron!
RON: Well, it's my best chance to get my own back for the
Acid Pop!
HERM: Ron, I don't -*believe*- you sometimes! (points her
own wand at Fred's chest) Enervate!
(Fred groans and sits up as the remainder of the Gryffindor
Quidditch team approach.)
GEORGE: Oi, Fred! We want a word with you and Lynn!
LYNN: About...?
HARRY: Fred, you've played substitute Keeper a couple of
times, and you're alright at it...
GEORGE: He's better than alright!
FRED: Mmmhmm...?
LYNN: But if he's the Keeper, you're missing a... (she
catches the looks and freezes) ...You're kidding.
GEORGE: Well, if you can aim a bludger that well...
FRED: -*How*- well?
(George steps up to Fred, crouches next to him and whispers
in his ear for a moment. Fred's eyes go wide.)
FRED: Pull the other one!
GEORGE: No, seriously!
(Fred looks Lynn's way with some awe.)
HARRY: So, Lynn?
(Lynn looks at the team, who are looking at her
expectantly.)
LYNN: But ... I look crappy in red?
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Harry, Lynn, Fred and George
clamber through the portrait hole and Lynn's immediately accosted by Lavender
and Parvati.)
PARVATI: Ooh, Lynn, you -*can't*-!
LAVENDER: Remember your dream! Facing off against Death
Eaters -*wearing RED*-!
LYNN: What part of "keep away from me with your
divination bull" don't you two understand?
LAVENDER: We talked to Professor Trelawny about it and...
LYNN: Oh, for the love of...
PARVATI: If you keep on playing at Quidditch, you'll surely
die!
FRED: Only one who looks like dying on that pitch is Draco
Malfoy.
GEORGE: Either of embarrassment or a bludger to the goolies.
LYNN: George, please. It wasn't -*that*- impressive.
GEORGE: I dunno, Lynn. Looked pretty impressive from where
-*I*- was standing...
LYNN: ANYWAY! (to Parvati and Lavender) You two can go back
to the neo-hippie dragonfly you worship and tell her that I spit in the face of
her so-called fate. She's predicted Harry's death more times than even -*he*-
can count and he's still breathing, unless he's a very well-preserved zombie...
(there is laughter. Parvati and Lavender look scandalised.)
LAVENDER: But...
LYNN: If you two don't stop it, I will light some of your
incense sticks and insert them into whatever orifice will cause you the most
pain. Do you get me?
(That about tears it for Lavender and Parvati, who storm
off. Lynn looks at Harry, who looks back with a shrug.)
HARRY: I sort of wish I could say that to Professor
Trelawny.
LYNN: Start simple. A "Go to hell" in the right
tone is better than any death threat.
GEORGE: So you really -*are*- going to do it, then? You'll
play Beater for Gryffindor?
LYNN: (raised eyebrow) You've decided it's safe to ask
again, just because there's something remotely resembling added incentive in
the fact that my joining the team would annoy those two. Moreover, you think
that I'd base that decision on the irritation opportunities?
FRED, GEORGE: (unison) Actually ... yeah.
(Lynn looks at them for a long moment ... then sighs.)
LYNN: It'd be less depressing if you weren't so right.
(Fred and George grin at each other. Harry gives Lynn a
reassuring smile, which kind of fades at Lynn's glare. She relents just enough
to turn the glare onto Hermione, who's slumped in a chair and looking guilty.)
HERM: Well, you can blame Ron! -*He*- was the one who
couldn't shut up about what you did to Malfoy! I just ... well, they -*were*-
asking what you were doing on the Quidditch pitch and...
(Lynn just walks off for the dormitories. Herm slumps
further in her seat, hiding behind a large book.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Hermione is, as usual,
studying - but she looks almost panicked. Daria approaches and looks over her
shoulder, raising an eyebrow.)
DARIA: Finding a cure for overwork?
HERM: Oh, Daria, this is simply -*dreadful*-!
DARIA: (looking at what Hermione's studying) Untraceable
poisons? Yeah, that could fall loosely under the category of dreadful.
HERM: No, you don't understand! I'm -*always*- top of my
class ... well, except in Divination, but I don't see how -*anyone*- could truly
excel in a class run by a fraud teaching nonsense.
DARIA: I don't know -- Parvati seems to manage pretty well.
Oh, I see. You place kissing up in the nonsense category. The real world's
going to come as a real shock to you.
(Lynn arrives just soon enough to catch this last and
snickers. Hermione frowns in irritation.)
HERM: Daria, -*really*-! Even with Professor Snape's bias,
I'm -*still*- usually top of his class and now AP's gone and...
LYNN: You may as well give up now. He has a natural aptitude
for mixing chemicals. (beat) Shame he isn't quite the same about food --
-*never*- eat anything he's concocted.
HERM: Well, I'm -*not*- going to give up! (sigh) It's a good
thing I'm free until this evening -- I have a lot of work to do.
DARIA: You mean someone actually uses their free periods to
-*study*-? Not much like American study hall.
LYNN: -*You*- studied in study hall.
DARIA: (dry) Oh, the shame.
(Ron bursts into the common room, dumps some of his books
out of a tattered bag and onto a table, then rummages to make sure he has
parchment and quill.)
RON: Mind watching this lot for me? I'm late for my first
day of Defense Against the Dark Arts!
DARIA: Excuse me?
HERM: But Ron, we don't...
(Ron hasn't listened -- just barged out the portrait hole
and away.)
DARIA: (slowly) We ... didn't look over our timetables very
carefully, did we.
(They dig for their timetables and look a little bit
closer.)
LYNN: -*A*--D-A-D-A? (beat) Adada. (beat) Sounds like a
Middle Eastern country always on the verge of getting bombed.
HERM: Well, the last four letters must mean Defense Against
the Dark Arts. (beat) But what's the other A for, I wonder?
(Enter Harry, looking confused and a little dazed.)
HARRY: I just ran into AP...
DARIA: Are you sure it wasn't more the other way around?
HARRY: (grin) Yeah. But he said he was going to Dark Arts
and...
DARIA: We know. We saw.
HERM: Harry, do -*you*- know what the A means?
(Jane enters next.)
JANE: Any clue why we're in -*Advanced*- Defense Against the
Dark Arts?
(They all just look at her.)
LYNN: By Jove, I think she's got it.
HERM: I should have worked that out. Ooh, the pressure in
Potions is -*really*- beginning to get to me...
JANE: Actually, I asked ... Warlock. He wouldn't tell me why
we were in an advanced course, but he at least cleared -*that*- much up.
HERM: But why would he put us into an advanced course? You
three are, no offense, very new to the wizarding world.
DARIA: Maybe, in Lynn's case and mine, he puts more emphasis
on the bloodline than he seems to. We -*are*- an Auror's daughters, after all.
LYNN: Whichever way, we're in it now. (*shrug*) I guess
we'll work it out when we get there.
(Scene: Dark Arts classroom. Now that they've actually got
there, Harry, Hermione, Daria, Lynn and Jane are all tense attention. The class
is full of relatively familiar faces -- among them the Weasley twins, Lee
Jordan and Colin Creevey, proving that this is not your average age-based
class. Warlock stands at his desk at the front of the room, regarding them all
impassively until he has quiet -- it doesn't take long. Something about the man
radiates "sit down and shut up".)
WARLOCK: Welcome to Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts
-- something of an Auror Academy, if you like. I go by Warlock. Any wisecracks
will earn you the Furnunculus charm.
DARIA, JANE, LYNN: (unison) Damn.
FRED, GEORGE, LEE: (unison) Bugger.
HERM: (aghast) Daria! Jane! Lynn! Fred!
WARLOCK: (over Hermione)Your attention while I call the
roll. (Hermione shuts up but glares at all six of them.) Abbott, Hannah...
Bones, Susan... Brown, Lavender... Creevey, Colin... Granger, Hermione...
Jordan, Lee... Lane, Jane... Tell me the name's some kind of joke.
JANE: Ask my sister Penny.
WARLOCK: Indeed. (beat) Longbottom, Neville... MacDougal,
Morag... MacMillan, Ernest... Patil, Padma... Potter, Harry. (beat) Ah, the
famous Boy Who Lived. I worked with your father on more than one occasion.
HARRY: Uh ... yes, sir?
WARLOCK: (moving on) Smythe, Daria Elizabeth Morgendorffer
-*and*- Lynn Jaquennetta Cullen. I've worked with -*your*- father as well,
albeit more recently. (beat) Not identical twins, I take it...
LYNN: Half-sisters, sir. Different Muggle mothers.
DARIA: And I prefer to go by just Morgendorffer. Not Smythe.
WARLOCK: I only know what they tell me. (beat) Thomas,
Dean... Weasley, Fred and George... Zabini, Blaise. Now. You all need special
training. Regular Dark Arts classes won't do it. I'm sure you've all heard the
story of Peter Pettigrew trying to take on Sirius Black by himself.
(Harry looks like he's dying to say something; Hermione puts
a hand on his arm to shut him up. Lynn, however, stands bolt upright and slaps
her hands on the table in exasperated disbelief.)
LYNN: Ex-*cuse*- me?
WARLOCK: Ms Smythe. Your father a famous Auror or not, you
will maintain decorum in my class. Five points from Gryffindor.
LYNN: Decorum hell. You're spewing bullshit.
WARLOCK: That'll make it fifteen.
HERMIONE: Prof ... Warlock sir? She's right.
WARLOCK: If you think you have a correction to make, you
will speak to me after class. That applies to you as well, Miss Granger; five
more points from Gryffindor.
HARRY: But sir ... if we prove our case, will you reconsider
the points?
WARLOCK: Mr Potter as well. This is getting quite the show.
I'm sure you will more than make up -*your*- five points at the next Quidditch
match. Now, may I please be allowed to resume teaching my class? Which, last I
checked, it still -*is*-?
LYNN: (mutter as she sits down again) Loudmouthed,
closed-minded, insensitive...
WARLOCK: ...good hearing...
LYNN: Damn.
WARLOCK: As I was saying. You are the next generation of our
protectors. At least, you have the potential. It is my job to form that
potential into reality. This class will be strict and on a very fast pace. The
only thing we know about the amount of time we have is that it is short. Voldemort
(assorted gasps from the class) could appear at the school gates tomorrow, and
then where would you be?
DARIA: The pearly ones?
WARLOCK: My job is to prevent that, Ms Smythe.
JANE: Damn. That'd be a painting opportunity and a half...
WARLOCK: (ignoring that, continuing) Your first assignment
is to break out parchment and quill and write down every curse, hex, charm,
jinx, or other spell that could serve you well in a fight.
(The FJM and HHR look at each other with wide eyes. Jane
leans over to Dean.)
JANE: A Galleon says Lynn whips the bookworm at this one.
DEAN: What, -*Hermione*-? She's top in -*everything*-!
JANE: Except fighting. But maybe you wanna put your money
where your mouth is?
(Dean thinks about this.)
DEAN: All right, then. A Galleon on Hermione.
GEORGE: I want in. A Galleon on Lynn. (beat, turning) Harry?
Daria?
FRED: Likewise!
HERM: Dean! Jane! Fred! George! Our academic record isn't a
gambling matter!
HARRY: I don't think I will, thanks. It's too close to call.
(Daria just shakes her head and they bend to their
assignment. Fade to same, some time later. Warlock is looking at the finished
papers.)
WARLOCK: Miss Granger... your list is depressingly short.
Have you not even learned Rictusempra or Reducto?
HERM: Oh, I've learned them, Professor. But ... using them
on someone?
HARRY: (levelling a disbelieving look at Hermione) You set
Snape's -*robes*- on fire and you won't use Rictusempra on someone?
(Hermione slumps sheepishly.)
WARLOCK: Fifteen points from Gryffindor, Ms Granger, really,
I'm disappointed. I asked for spells that could serve you well, not spells
you'd be willing to use. If some servant of Voldemort's prepares to throw Avada
Kedavra at your parents or your best friend, you will find out very quickly how
your priorities change.
HERM: Y-yes sir.
(Trembling lower lip and wide eyes from Hermione. Dean sighs
and hands over a Galleon each to Jane, Fred and George.)
JANE: Hmm. Divination prowess? Or just knowing thine friends
as thine enemies?
DARIA: I'm not making that call.
WARLOCK: (hands her list back) For every spell you add to
the list, up to fifteen of course, Gryffindor will regain one of those points.
HERM: T-thank you, sir.
WARLOCK: (flipping through the parchments) Potter. Leglocker
an interesting idea, but if you have time to throw that, why not the full Body
Bind?
HARRY: Hurts more when they fall flat on their face, sir.
And Body Bind's near the bottom.
WARLOCK: For the first part, Potter, if their arms are free,
they are still dangerous. For the second, why list Leglocker at all if you know
the body bind?
HARRY: You said -*all*- the ones we knew, sir.
WARLOCK: (smiles) Exactly, and well done sticking to your
guns. Five points to Gryffindor. (beat) Right; that's time, ladies and
gentlemen. (People start collecting their things) Would Ms Lane, Ms Smythe --
both of you -- Mr Potter, and Ms Granger please stay after class?
(Those he named approach Warlock's desk as the others file
out, looking at the gang sympathetically.)
HARRY: Sir? About Pettigrew...
(Warlock breaks out a bottle of something dark and fizzy and
opens it)
LYNN: They actually do -*cola*- in this place?
WARLOCK: Call it a special potion for staying awake.
HARRY: Sir, Sirius Black isn't what you think he is.
WARLOCK: Now. As for Pettigrew. I am aware of the ... rumors
surrounding the betrayal of the Potters.
HARRY: They're not rumours! Pettigrew betrayed my parents,
not Sirius.
WARLOCK: I am also aware that Sirius Black is not being
hunted by the Ministry as ... energetically as could be.
DARIA: Then why continue to tell the story that way?
WARLOCK: Because, whether Pettigrew went alone to confront
Black or the other way around, the point remains the same. And you will note, I
phrased it as "have all heard the story."
LYNN: You tell it like you -*believe*- it.
WARLOCK: The Minister of Magic has heard these rumours as
well.
HARRY: But he doesn't -*believe*- any of it!
WARLOCK: I believe Snape will soon be teaching you about
truth potions.
LYNN: Done it.
DARIA: Threatened us with one, in fact.
HARRY: More than once.
LYNN: (sotto) It wasn't AP's fault the damn slugs went
missing.
WARLOCK: But did he teach you how to -*make*- one?
LYNN: No, but he didn't need to. AP found a book.
WARLOCK: The official word is that Sirius Black, if sighted,
is to be stunned and bound back to Azkaban, there to receive the Kiss.
HARRY: NO!
WARLOCK: I happen to know that the Minister of Magic, Cornelius
Fudge, will be visiting the school in a month or so. I assume Dumbledore is ...
convinced of Black's innocence?
HERMIONE: Y-yes sir.
WARLOCK: I shall have a word with Dumbledore then.
LYNN: Our word isn't enough?
WARLOCK: I shall see if an ... interview might be arranged.
HARRY: What kind of interview?
WARLOCK: Well, let me set the scene. Imagine Dumbledore's
office. (Harry nods knowingly) Imagine him having a conversation with the
Minister. (Harry and Hermione wince) Imagine, then, if you will, a potion
bottle on the desk. Perhaps Mr Fudge being asked to ensure, through the use of
a simple charm, that it is indeed Veritaserum.
HARRY: You're serious.
WARLOCK: Then let us say Mr Black is ushered through the
door.
LYNN: Let's say Fudge reaches for his wand and does
something bad to 'Mr Black'... Unacceptable.
WARLOCK: Let's say that Fudge put his wand down on the desk
after ensuring the ... veracity of the potion. And let us say that when he
reaches for it, it will be gone.
LYNN: You're good. You're -*damn*- good.
WARLOCK: And let us say that Dumbledore suggests the use of
the Veritaserum.
HARRY: And so Sirius takes it, tells -*exactly*- what
happened all those years ago, and Fudge -*has*- to believe him?
WARLOCK: Under those circumstances, it would look very
suspicious if he did not, n'est ce pas?
HARRY: And -*you*- can arrange this?
WARLOCK: I shall certainly have a word or two with
Dumbledore.
HARRY: Uh ... right. Thank you, sir.
WARLOCK: Now, about these... outbursts in my class. As I
believe I indicated, this class is running on borrowed time.
DARIA: They'd shut you down if a few students showed signs
of free thought?
WARLOCK: More like, if you disagree with the way that the
incident appears in History books, speak with your history teacher. My job is
to teach you all -- your class especially -- as much as I can about dealing
with Dark Magic in as little time as possible. Does the doubt cast on the
veracity of the story at all diminish the point?
DARIA: No, it doesn't.
HARRY: But sir, I've heard it too many times and I know too
much about what really happened to be comfortable with it.
WARLOCK: As I said, take that up with Professor Binns. My
job is not to teach you History. My job is to get you ready for the day
Voldemort comes calling.
HERM: But, -*Professor*-...
WARLOCK: Now don't you all have other classes to get to?
(It's an obvious dismissal. They lower their eyes and leave
... except for Lynn, who stops in the doorway and glares at the man.)
(Scene: corridor. Harry, Daria, Jane and Hermione move along
the corridor relatively slowly, lost in thought. Harry looks up from his shoes
for a moment.)
HARRY: Care of Magical Creatures next. Lynn, do you need to
pick up anything in the Tower before...?
(He glances over his shoulder ... and freezes. The others
stop and turn around as well, and realise that Lynn has failed to join them.
Exchanging looks, they head back down the corridor and stop short of the Dark
Arts classroom door.)
WARLOCK: ...being hard.
LYNN: I told you my reservations about them.
WARLOCK: You told me that Emerald and Scarlet could handle
themselves.
LYNN: I said -*probably*-. I sure as hell didn't expect them
to be sent -*here*-, with the way things are going. And if you remember, I
didn't say -*anything*- about AP being able to cope.
WARLOCK: Well, they're here now. They'll do what they have
to.
(Silence from Lynn. Then something slams -- possibly a chair
being knocked into -- and Daria and Jane step back from the door, dragging
Harry and Hermione with them. Harry and Hermione both look stunned.)
HERM: But Daria, shouldn't we...?
DARIA: Do you think Filch would be particularly happy with
mopping blood, sweat and teeth off this floor?
HARRY: I think Filch'd use us to do the mopping; why?
JANE: Well, he'll -*have*- to if Lynn finds out we were
listening in on her conversations.
HERM: But...
HARRY: Maybe we should talk about it -*later*-, Hermione.
We'll be late for Care of Magical Creatures.
(Scene: paddock on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid
is addressing his class, which now includes Lynn and AP. AP looks very nervous;
Lynn is poised to get between AP and any creature that looks like it might bite
his head off.)
HAGRID: Righ', yeh lot! We're gonna spend -*this*- year
learnin' 'bout the more human-like of the int'restin' creatures. An' we'll make
a start with centaurs. Now, who'll tell the class summat about centaurs?
(Hermione's hand goes in the air immediately, followed by
Harry's and Lynn's, in unison. AP raises his hand tentatively too, and Hagrid
takes pity on him, nodding in his direction.)
AP: Well, I know 'cent' is hundred -- learned it in
chemistry. So it's got a hundred legs?
HAGRID: Centaurs aren't -*that*- int'restin', lad. Hermione?
HERMIONE: Centaurs, thought mythical by Muggles, have the
body of a horse. But in place of a head, they have the torso and head of a
human.
HAGRID: Righ', righ', five points ter Gryffindor. Now, we're
gonna meet a coupla centaurs, so mind yer manners.
(As if on cue, a resentful-looking Bane and a polite-looking
Firenze step out of the Forest. They bow slightly to Hagrid.)
HAGRID: Hullo, Bane; Firenze.
BANE: (cold) Hagrid.
HARRY: Hello, Firenze.
FIRENZE: (bow) Harry Potter.
AP: Uh. Hey ho!
MALFOY: Is that supposed to be some sort of -*greeting*-?
HAGRID: (brushing it off) Tell us summat about yer people,
Bane.
BANE: We are not a speaking teaching aid, friend Hagrid.
AP: Do we get to ride these guys the way you said you rode
the Hippogriffs, Harry, Hermione?
BANE: However much Firenze disgraced us, we are not saddle
mares, boy!
HAGRID: (confused) But ... Hermione never -*rode*- the...
HERMIONE: (pointing wand at AP) Quietus!
AP: (nearly inaudible) sorry...
(Scene: an empty classroom, sometime after classes. Jane is
standing in front of an easel that she's draped with her robes. Daria, still
dressed in hers, steps into the room.)
DARIA: So why all the secrecy?
JANE: Oh, I wanted to unveil something really -*special*-. I
figured you'd want to be the first to see my latest masterpiece.
DARIA: Oh, you've been having fun with wizard paints again.
So what did you do this time?
JANE: Well, you know how we're kind of a long way from home
and Mom and Dad and my sisters and brothers aren't really good at sending
owls...
DARIA: Well, at least this family reunion you can drape when
it gets annoying. Though I'm not sure I really want to see how your father and
Sir Cadogan get along.
JANE: Oh, it's not a -*family*- portrait, exactly. I decided
to focus on the one family member that I'm used to sharing living space with
long-term.
DARIA: (getting it ... and not sure she's liking it) You
-*didn't*-.
JANE: (grabbing an edge of the robe) Annnnnnnnnd -*voila*-!
(She pulls the robe off the canvas to reveal a portrait of
Trent, who's asleep and snoring softly. At the motion, he snorts, wakes up and
blinks out at a smug Jane and a slightly aghast Daria.)
TRENTPIC: Hey Janey. Uh ... what the hell am I doing here?
JANE: Well ... you're not you. You're just an artist's
representation of you.
TRENTPIC: Oh. (beat) I feel like me to me..
JANE: But ... oh, never mind...
DARIA: Jane, you're not going to hang that in the dorm, are
you?
JANE: Hey, why not? I mean, it's not like you don't -*want*-
him to see you...
DARIA: Shut UP, Lane.
(With that, she grabs the robe from Jane and uses it to
cover the painting again.)
TRENTPIC: (muffled) Damn.
DARIA: Eep. Do me one favour, Lane. Don't paint Quinn.
(Beat) Or Upchuck.
JANE: That's -*two*- favours.
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. The altered Gryffindor team step
into the doorway leading to the changing rooms -- Lynn's tied her hair in her
"I'm about to exercise" braid.)
GEORGE: Right! Our first match is against Slytherin, so mind
yourselves! Harry, we want to avoid any real fouling, so just try to get the
Snitch as fast as possible, all right? (Harry nods) Angelina, Katie, Alicia --
keep on the Quaffle as much as you can. We don't want to give them any chances
to score. Fred, after Harry, you're the one who's going to get nobbled, so Lynn
and I will try to stay on you.
HARRY: You two watch yourselves as well, alright? You know
what Slytherin's like.
GEORGE: Do I! But I don't know about Lynn here, but -*I'm*-
spoiling for a good whack at them.
LYNN: And on that note...
(She mounts her Stormfront and shoots off onto the pitch,
bat in hand and set look on her face. Harry mounts his Firebolt with a grin and
speeds off after her. George looks at the rest of his team.)
GEORGE: Did you see the look on his face? -*That's*- the
kind of eagerness that wins Quidditch cups!
(He mounts his own broom [a second-hand Nimbus Two Thousand
that's still a huge improvement over his old Cleansweep 5]; Fred [with his own
Nimbus] and the others mount and they shoot onto the pitch proper. Lynn and
Harry are having a sporting little race around the pitch -- she has the better
broom but it's obvious Harry wants it more; they're neck and neck. Malfoy flies
directly into their path, scattering them -- Lynn goes low and narrowly avoids
smashing into the stands. Harry, however, goes high, loops Malfoy and stops in
front of him.)
HARRY: What d'you think you're playing at?
MALFOY: Shouldn't you be taking this a bit more seriously,
Potter? You wouldn't want to exhaust yourself before the match. You're little
enough challenge as it is.
HARRY: You've got a short memory, Malfoy. Slytherin haven't
beaten Gryffindor in a match in three years.
MALFOY: (eyes narrowing) That's about to change, Potter.
HOOCH: (OS) ON THE -*GROUND*-, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE
GAME IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!
(After a short staring match, Malfoy and Harry fly down to
their respective teams. The two teams face off. Cut to the stands -- Ron and
Hermione have their Omnioculars out. Jane has a camera and is poised tensely,
just waiting for something interesting to happen. AP looks nervous.)
AP: And no one dies in these games, right?
RON: Not at this level, no, AP. Worst we've ever had is a
broken arm. (shooting Hermione a look) And then a -*deboned*- arm.
HERM: All right, all right, he -*was*- a useless plank, now
will you let Lockhart -*alone*-? I was reading in the Prophet that he may be
getting out of St Mungos next year, poor man.
RON: (disbelieving) -*Poor man*-? Hermione, he tried to wipe
our memories!
JANE: Will you two shut up? The match is gonna start!
(Back to the ground. George and Flint are shaking hands
reluctantly.)
HOOCH: Now, I want a good clean match. Any of you try any...
(glances at Malfoy) ...stunts, and you'll be penalised accordingly. Now. Mount
your brooms!
(They do, and get into position. Hooch blows her whistle and
lets out the balls. Cut to Lee Jordan, commentating under McGonnagall's
watchful eye.)
LEE: And Alicia Spinnett takes the Quaffle and speeds
towards the Slytherin goal ... blocked by Flint, who takes possession ... hit
in the back by a Bludger, nice work by Beater George Weasley! Now Angelina
Johnson takes it ... mind out for that Bludger, Ang-- Oh, a crafty move by new
beater Lynn Smythe; nicely aimed at the Slytherin Keeper... Gryffindor scores!
(Angelina grins and commences a victory lap around the
Slytherin goal; before she gets very far, she grabs Lynn by the robes and drags
her along.)
LYNN: (slight scowl) I ought to let the next one break your
leg, Johnson.
ANGELINA: Oh, hush; you like it really...
LYNN: (yelling towards Lee) AND THAT'S -*CULLEN*-, YOU OIK!
(Back to the commentator's box; McGonnagall has gone
tight-lipped at Lynn's language.)
LEE: (dry) And with me put firmly in my place, Angelina
drags new Beater Lynn -*Cullen*- for a victory lap around the Slytherin goal...
(Malfoy flies to intercept the two girls.)
MALFOY: So you'd publicly disown your wizarding heritage and
take the name of your pathetic Muggle mother?
LYNN: It's the name I know, Malfoy. And don't insult my
mother; that's -*my*- job.
(Back to the stands, where Ron and Hermione are still glued
to their Omnioculars.)
RON: That was -*wicked*-!
HERM: What is Malfoy -*doing*-?
DARIA: Ensuring his team loses this match.
RON: But if he gets her angry, won't she play worse? Be
distracted and all that?
AP: Noooooo... Her job in this game seems to be hitting
things and hurting people, right? She does that -*better*- when she's in the
demon-rage.
HERM: (nervous) Not -*real*- demons, though, -*surely*-...
DARIA: Remember, AP, things like that aren't just words
here. You're going to make people nervous.
AP: And they -*shouldn't*- be?
(Daria shrugs a little sheepishly, conceding the point. Back
on the pitch, Lynn has just shot past Harry and hit a Bludger away from him.
Malfoy comes up from underneath her and knocks her broom straight off course.
She nearly falls off her broom but regains her balance.)
LEE: (OS) YOU EVIL MISERABLE -*GIT*-, MALFOY! FOUL,
PATHETIC...
McGONNAGALL: (OS) Jordan! Mind your language!
LEE: (OS) All right, all right! So he nearly kills the new
American Beater and all the Gryffindor team get is a penalty...
(Malfoy flies up in front of Lynn and smirks at her; Lynn's
eyes narrow.)
LYNN: (a hateful, spitting noise) Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss!
(Malfoy unconsciously backs off. Everyone nearby [Flint,
Pucey, George, Katie and Malfoy] looks at her strangely but Harry, who gets
such a shock he nearly falls off his broom.)
HARRY: LYNN! Language!
(She looks at him oddly. When confronted with his freaked
out stare, she raises an eyebrow in a gesture that says "We talk about
this later" better than words ever could. She then zips over to the
nearest bludger and hits it into Malfoy's stomach.)
(Scene: Gryffindor changing rooms. There is cheering from
the outside world.)
LEE: (OS) And Gryffindor takes the first Quidditch match of
the year, three hundred points to ninety! And let's have a round of applause
for both teams...
(The team stride into the changing rooms. Katie heads the
group with Angeline and Alicia; they're whispering furiously amongst
themselves, shooting glances back over their shoulders. Fred and George are
next; they just look a bit stunned. Harry's after them, and Lynn's not far
behind.)
LYNN: And what was -*that*- all about?
HARRY: Lynn, it...
LYNN: You all looked at me like I grew horns or showed off a
Dark Mark or something!
HARRY: Lynn ... in a way, you -*did*-.
(Lynn stops in her tracks and stares at him in confusion and
horror. Harry stops; sighs, and turns to face her.)
(Scene: Great Hall. Harry has finished explaining the event
on the Quidditch pitch. Ron and Hermione look horrified. Daria, Jane and AP
just look confused.)
RON: She's a ... a -*Parselmouth*-?
HERM: Frankly, that explains a whole lot.
HARRY: Hermione!
HERM: Well? I don't like to question the judgement of the
Hogwarts staff, but ... maybe she -*should*- have been placed in Slytherin!
RON: Well ... she -*does*- have Snape on her side... He only
really likes the Slytherins...
AP: 'Kay, could someone -*please*- tell me what a
Parselmouth is?
HARRY: They can talk to snakes. It's only dark wizards that
can do it.
DARIA: But ... -*you*- understood her...
HARRY: That's apparently because I have a bit of Voldemort
in me. Something left over from when he tried to ... er ...
(Lost for words, he just brushes his fringe back and shows
the scar.)
DARIA: I understand. But it still proves that it isn't
-*only*- dark wizards that can turn out to be Parselmouths.
HERM: Well ... I -*suppose*-... But how could she... (beat)
I'm going to the library. Maybe there's something there that'll give me the
answer.
(Exit Hermione in a rush.)
RON: There she goes again.
HARRY: It's odd, without all of us. Where's Lynn, anyway?
AP: (glowering at him) Said she wasn't hungry. -*Something*-
you said freaked her out so bad she dun't even want anyone to -*look*- at her
right now.
(Harry looks sheepishly at his plate. Ron glares at AP,
feeling protective of Harry. AP, feeling protective of Lynn, glares back. Daria
and Jane exchange looks and unanimously decide to change the subject.)
JANE: One thing I never asked. What do you wizard types do
about Guy Fawkes Day? It -*is*- next week, you know.
(AP's eyes go big and panicked. Ron looks at Jane in utter
bemusement. Harry looks a little confused as well, but impressed-confused.)
RON: Guy -*who*-?
AP: Aw, -*crap*-! I go do library too and can I borrow
Dustpuppy when I find with the thing? Thankee!
(AP bursts away from the table, runs off towards the door,
trips over a corner of the Hufflepuff table and skids most of the way out the
door.)
HARRY: (to Ron) Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament a
long time ago.
DARIA: He was hung, drawn and quartered, but because of the
massive amount of gunpowder he and his associates planted in the House, the
English use the day as an excuse to blow things up.
RON: Sounds the sort of holiday Fred and George'd like,
then. But why does AP seem so panicked?
JANE: Because Guy Fawkes is Lynn's birthday.
HARRY: Which explains why -*you*- all have heard of the
holiday.
DARIA: (reluctantly) Not the -*only*- explanation, but the
only one I care to recall.
HARRY: You're telling me that Lynn was born on the same day
that some traitor tried to blow up Parliament?
RON: Better not tell Hermione that. She's suspicious enough
of Lynn as it is.
JANE: You realise she'd kill us if we had a birthday party.
DARIA: But she -*couldn't*- really argue with celebrating
Guy Fawkes' Day in the country where it's actually recognised...
(They exchange looks.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Lynn drags herself through
the portrait hole, looking exhausted.)
LYNN: One of these days I -*will*- sneak up on Warlock long
enough to use Quietus...
CROWD: (OS) HAPPY BONFIRE NIGHT!
(Pan to the room. A few Filibusters' fireworks go off.
Salamanders are playing in the fire, upon which is a burning effigy -- a Guy.
But since it's not catching light, a Flame Freezing charm has obviously been
cast on it. A banner hangs on the far wall -- it reads "HAPPY GUY FAWKES'
DAY [& happy birthday Lynn]". Lynn looks to a smirking Daria, Jane and
AP, who stand in a far corner with Harry, Ron and Hermione.)
HERM: (nervous) It's not a birthday party ... exactly.
DARIA: When we told Fred and George about Guy Fawkes, they
couldn't resist doing something with the concept.
HARRY: And we couldn't stop Fred and George to adding to the
sign.
JANE: And it gave McGonagall one more reason to let us
-*have*- this party.
RON: But -*they*- got you presents and that...
AP: Please don't kill us.
LYNN: (to Daria, Jane and AP) Just wait until your
birthdays...
(Scene: greenhouse 6. AP's poking at a plant. He picks up a
leaf, rubs it between his fingers and sniffs. Hermione comes up behind him,
watching.)
AP: What's this stuff?
HERM: It's Alihotsy. It...
AP: It poison or something?
HERM: No, it...
AP: Hmm. New pizza topping...
(With that, AP pops the leaf into his mouth, chews and
swallows.)
HERM: Oh, no, AP, don't... (winces as a glazed, crazed look
comes over his face) Oh dear.
(AP has started quietly mumbling things to himself and
staggering around, bumping into things. Professor Sprout grabs him before he
comes too close to the Venomous Tentacula, looks into his face and then turns
to face the class, who's staring at AP.)
SPROUT: I thought this went without saying, but I suppose I
should mention this for our American compatriots. DON'T EAT WHAT YOU CAN'T
IDENTIFY! Someone take ... oh, do shut up, McIntyre ... him to the hospital
wing.
AP: (wandering towards the windows, looking like one of
those preacher loonies on Market) You don't understand! It's the SHOE!
LYNN: (pointing her wand at him) Stupefy! (AP falls over
unconscious with a dull thump) You'll thank me for that later, you moron.
SPROUT: Smythe... (Lynn nods at Jane, and they each grab one
of AP's arms and start dragging him out) For the rest of you, if you should
ever encounter anyone at home who's stupid enough or Muggle enough or both to
eat Alihotsy in your presence, the antidote is Glumbumble treacle...
(Hermione moves towards Harry and Ron, a scandalised look on
her face.)
HERM: She -*stunned*- him?
RON: He was walking into the Venemous...
HERM: She -*stunned*- her best -*friend*-?
HARRY: You have to admit, Hermione, it was the quickest way
to keep him from hurting himself.
HERM: But you can't go around flinging curses at people like
that! It's -*horrible*-! No good witch goes around doing things like that!
RON: Oh, come on, Hermione. You can't go around saying that
Lynn's all bad just because she's a little wand-happy...
HERM: She blows things up on -*purpose*-!
RON: So do my brothers!
HERM: She speaks Parseltongue!
HARRY: So do I.
HERM: Oh, fine, -*don't*- listen to me. When your rat turned
out to be You-Know-Who's servant, it was -*my*- cat who saw through him!
RON: But you -*didn't*-!
SPROUT: Granger! Weasley! Perhaps you could stop your little
lover's quarrel long enough to get on with the lesson?
(That derails Ron and Hermione nicely; they blush and back
away from each other very quickly. Harry just grins, a little reluctantly, and
tunes into Sprout's lesson.)
(Scene: McGonagall's classroom. AP is desperately poking a
slightly feathered milk jug with his wand. It hoots miserably; the way Daria's
glaring at him indicates that he's Transfigured Dustpuppy and now can't change
him back. McGonagall, a piece of parchment in her hand, crosses to AP's desk
and tries to reverse AP's spell herself. The milk jug develops a pair of
pathetic-looking owl eyes, but that's the extent.)
McGONAGALL: McIntyre...?
AP: I think it's the wand, ma'am. It's a little ... strong.
Guess Dustpuppy's gonna be de-jugged by degrees.
McGONAGALL: (shaking off either utter confusion or a
desperate urge to laugh) Gryffindors, before you leave this afternoon, would
those of you who are going to be staying at Hogwarts over the Christmas
holidays please leave your names on this parchment. And please keep in mind that
we're holding another Yule Ball this year -- I think that might have some
bearing on your decision.
(With a wry half-smile, she lays the parchment down beside
the eyed and feathered milk jug, which is quivering. AP grabs it and looks at
it as the rest of the Gryffindors crowd around it.)
AP: Ron? Y'staying?
RON: S'pose. I normally do to keep Harry here company.
HARRY: Even -*without*- you staying, Ron, it'd be better
than Christmas with the Dursleys.
AP: Purple Peril? -*We*- staying?
LYNN: Unless we want to crowd the Weasley family again,
we're going to have to. I got an owl from Lorna -- she's in Paris over the
Christmas holidays with some guy named Jean-Claude.
AP: Van Damme?
DARIA: That would be the wrong four-letter word to describe
what she'll likely get up to with him in her van.
JANE: Or -*any*- van.
(Lynn ignores this; instead, she grabs her quill and removes
the parchment from AP's grasp, then signs her name. Daria does the same, as
does Jane. AP does the same, and he hands it to Ron, who signs a little
reluctantly.)
RON: Not another Yule Ball...
JANE: Well, it can't be any worse than the dances at
Lawndale.
RON: (handing the parchment to Harry) You haven't seen my
dress robes.
(Harry looks up quizzically -- obviously wondering why Fred
and George haven't followed through on their deal yet. Jane frowns.)
JANE: -*Dress*- robes?
LYNN: ("Oops" expression) Oh, I forgot to tell you
about that too, huh? (to the looks) Well, I didn't think we'd -*need*- any!
HERM: (signing the parchment too) There's a Hogsmeade visit
this weekend. We'll get something for you all then.
DARIA: I think Jane and I will find that useful ... but I
suppose -*you*- won't need to, -*will*- you, Lynn?
(Lynn's sheepish look is answer enough.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Lynn in an armchair,
reading. Fred, George and Lee approach, jostling for a prime spot in front of
her.)
FRED: Hey, Lynn, you...
GEORGE: ...Heard about the Yule Ball...
LEE: ...Even though we're not having the Triwizard whatsis?
LYNN: (still buried in her book) Yeeeeeeees...
FRED: So how'd you feel...
GEORGE: ...About coming to the Yule Ball...
LEE: ...With me?
FRED: Oi, Lee, I -*started*- the question!
GEORGE: This was -*my*- idea!
LEE: But -*I*- actually -*asked*- her!
(During this little exchange, Lynn has slowly lifted her
head from her book; she looks a little nervous and very reluctant.)
LYNN: None of your names start with J, so why are you doing
this to me?
GEORGE: Beg pardon?
LYNN: Never mind. Look, I am going alone. I'll save you all
a dance, okay?
(With that, she gets up, pushes past them, and heads out the
portrait hole. AP, who has seen the entire thing, slumps in a corner next to
the fireplace. Harry, who's been doing his homework at a nearby table, looks up
and moves over to him.)
HARRY: I know how you feel, if it helps.
AP: No you don't.
HARRY: I asked Cho Chang last year. Wouldn't have done if
all the Triwizard Champions hadn't had to. But by the time I got the nerve,
she'd already been asked.
AP: I've wanted to be really going out with her since I was
-*ten*-! And now she's got all kindsa guys after her and they're -*all*- a lot
better'n me!
HARRY: She turned them -*down*-.
AP: But that's -*worse*-. She's going -*alone*-. She
-*knows*- I heard and I can't -*ask*- her now!
(Harry, lost for words, just pats AP on the shoulder. Pan to
Fred, George and Lee, who have watched that scene with growing dismay.)
FRED: I feel like a complete pillock.
GEORGE: Fred, you -*are*- a complete pillock. But then, we
all are.
LEE: Maybe I'll just go ask Angelina. Only wanted in on this
cos I didn't want -*you*- lot going for the most mischievous bird in the place
by yourselves. Trying to save you from yourselves, know what I mean?
(Lee moves off. Fred and George head towards AP's chair.)
FRED: Listen mate, we're gutted.
GEORGE: You should've -*told*- us you wanted to ask her.
We'd have let it alone.
FRED: I mean, you're -*family*-! We wouldn't have stitched
you up if we'd known!
AP: It's okay. I mean, I don't blame you. I mean, you know
I'd have asked her so how can I blame -*you*- for doin' it?
(He gets up and heads for the dormitory. Fred, George and
Harry look at each other.)
HARRY: What would I have to do to get you lot to help with
that?
FRED: This one's on us, mate.
GEORGE: Yeah; we got him -*into*- this state. Least we can
do.
(Scene: Potions. Harry and Ron sitting, quietly talking as
they work on the potion of the day. Snape is at his desk frowning at a couple
of pieces of parchment and so doesn't notice that he has an excellent
opportunity there to take points from Gryffindor.)
RON: So are you going to ask Cho Chang again this year?
HARRY: I thought about it, but ... she still seems very
upset about Cedric Diggory. I thought it wouldn't be fair -- it'd only remind
her.
RON: Or maybe you could ask Jane or Daria...
HARRY: I wouldn't ask Jane. I think Dean Thomas wants to
take her.
RON: Someone should have let Malfoy know, then...
(Harry turns his head -- sure enough, Malfoy has left his
workbench and approached Jane, who's working with Dean.)
MALFOY: So I'll meet you in the entrance hall at about seven
Christmas day, to let you know.
JANE: Aw, isn't it nice of you. Giving me time and place and
even offering to stand still while I hex you into next week.
MALFOY: Surely even a Mudblood such as yourself is aware
that the Yule Ball is on that evening.
JANE: And won't it do your reputation ten degrees of good
when you usher Puggish Pansy in wearing a really good crop of boils.
MALFOY: But I shan't be -*attending*- with Pansy.
JANE: Not even -*she's*- willing to be seen with you. Guess
someone got her a Wit-Sharpening potion.
MALFOY: I will be -*attending*- with -*you*-.
JANE: Not unless you use one of the Unforgivables on me, you
won't. If you'd -*asked*- last night instead of -*telling*- me today ... well,
you still wouldn't have had a chance. But yesterday, I didn't have a date. Now
it turns out I'm going with Dean.
DEAN: You -*are*-? I... (the sound of steel-toe meeting
shin) OW! I mean, you -*are*-. I mean, she -*is*-.
MALFOY: You Mudbloods -*deserve*- each other.
(With a glare that's more disappointment than anger, Malfoy
stalks back to his table. Snape looks up enough to see that Malfoy's out of his
chair, but seeing as Malfoy's a Slytherin, Snape says nothing; he just goes
back to his parchment. Harry and Ron look at each other.)
HARRY: You're asking Hermione.
RON: No, I'm not! (to Harry's glare) I already -*asked*-
Hermione. I wasn't going to let someone like Krum get the jump on me again; are
you -*mad*-?
HARRY: I take it she said yes. Otherwise, you'd be muttering
obscenities and mutilating these roots.
RON: She did. So is that you asking Daria, then? Only
Ginny'll be disappointed...
HARRY: Stick a sock in it, Ron. (beat) Besides, it'd be nice
for someone to actually -*escort*- one of the Smythe girls -- even if it is
just as a friend.
RON: I'm not sure the Smythes really -*do*- nice, Harry.
They're American and don't really understand the chivalry of the matter...
(There is a loud explosion from a nearby table. Snape looks
up again, as does everyone else in the room, to see a table near the back
completely shrouded in smoke and smouldering in places. When the smoke clears,
we see Lynn and Seamus Finnegan, both covered in soot, looking at the utterly
destroyed Potions ingredients and equipment.)
SEAMUS: Ye finally did it. Ye blew it all up!
LYNN: (cutting him off) Yeah ... what's your point?
SNAPE: (who has silently moved directly in front of them)
The -*point*-, Ms Smythe, is that you and Finnegan have disrupted my class.
However, since you are ... new ... allowances can be made. Five points from
Gryffindor for your part in this. (when Seamus looks relieved) -*You*-, on the
other hand, Finnegan, have been in my lessons for over four years and should
have known better. -*Your*- part in this has lost Gryffindor twenty-five
points.
(He stalks off. Everyone looks at Lynn and Seamus. Seamus
scowls at Lynn. Lynn looks like she'd like to hide under the table but stands
firm, adjusting her dragon-hide gloves before picking up bits of hot glassware
and smouldering potions ingredients. Panning back to Harry and Ron, we see them
share another look.)
(Scene: corridor. Jane walks out and Harry stops her.)
JANE: Now, now, Harry -- people will talk. Anyway, I'm
spoken for.
HARRY: No ... I was going to ask Daria to the Yule Ball
and...
JANE: (smirk/leer) Why, Harry Potter! I had no idea you felt
that way!
HARRY: (facepalm) No, no, no, no, no! As a -*friend*-, Jane.
JANE: Not booty call, then? I'm disappointed.
HARRY: (very confused) Booty ... no, I just do -*not*- want
to know. I thought it might be nice for her ... and it saves me from having to
ask ... well...
JANE: (raised eyebrow) A real girl?
HARRY: Yes! I mean, -*no*-! I mean ... would you stop that?
JANE: Fine. So what's the problem? You tell her all that --
minus the "real girl" thing -- and you're fine. Just don't make a
production of it.
HARRY: Why not? I thought girls -*expected*- a...
JANE: And you're asking her so you don't have to ask a real
girl; we covered this. Besides...
(She points. They look over to where Neville has nervously
approached Daria, wand to hand.)
DARIA: Am I expected to get into duelling position now?
NEVILE: Uh ... oh! No! I ... I wanted to ask if you would do
me the honour of allowing me to escort you to the Yule Ball... (Daria opens her
mouth) Oh! Uh...
(He points his wand at his hand and mutters something, then
turns to her with a grin ... which turns to a look of horror when his hand
fills with snakes.)
NEVILLE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
(He throws his handful of slithery goodness into the air as
Daria stares at him with bemusement; then he runs like hell, still screaming.
There's a moment's silence.)
DARIA: Still no.
(Back to Jane and Harry, who are obviously trying -*very*-
hard not to laugh.)
JANE: See what I mean?
HARRY: Yes.
(They give up and walk down the corridor hooting with
laughter. They pass Daria, who's still looking at the snakes; she looks up at
them.)
DARIA: (bewildered) What?
JANE: (between chuckles) You're going to the Yule Ball with
Harry.
HARRY: -*What*-? But...
DARIA: (still a little stunned) Okay.
HARRY: -*WHAT*-?
JANE: I'll explain later. But cheer up; you've got an
umdate.
HARRY: A -*what*--date?
(Jane puts an arm around Harry's shoulders and leads him
off, leaving Daria alternately staring after them and at the snakes.)
DARIA: (flinging up her hands in exasperation) -*What*-?
(Scene: the Three Broomsticks. The gang are sitting at a large
table, all with bags of shopping at their feet, all with mugs of Butterbeer in
front of them. Daria and Jane look at the stuff suspiciously.)
LYNN: It's not as weird as it sounds. It helps if you
remember that, taken in the right light, butter-*scotch*- sounds equally
offensive to the taste buds.
AP: Hey, -*I*- think Butterbeer sounds like a -*great*-
idea!
JANE: You -*would*-. -*You*- were the one who got the house
elves to make that pizza with cod, stoat, English mustard and pumpkin.
DARIA: (dry) And extra garlic.
AP: Look, don't knock it until you've -*tried*- it, I keep
-*telling*- you!
HARRY: Someone -*did*- try it, AP, remember? Poor Neville; I
haven't seen anyone look that ill since Ron's slug spell backfired on him.
HERM: Oh, look, there's Prof ... er, Warlock!
(They look; sure enough, Warlock is sitting at a table in
the far corner with a drink in front of him. He seems to be waiting for
someone.)
LYNN: Has there been any news on Operation Black Tuesday?
RON: Operation -*what*-?
DARIA: Guess the stock market crash didn't affect that part
of the world that works with Galleons.
HARRY: (at least knows what Lynn's getting at) I dunno. I
tried asking a couple of times, but the Professor's not exactly the kind of
person you can pin down and talk to.
HERM: I don't know; I don't much trust that one. I mean,
someone who won't use his own name but -*will*- refer to himself as
"oathbreaker"... (to the looks from Harry, Ron, Jane and AP -- Daria
and Lynn seem to understand) That's what Warlock actually -*means*- ... or at
least meant at one time.
RON: He's a strange duck, that one. And we haven't exactly
had the best of luck with Dark Arts teachers.
LYNN: (surprisingly vehement) Will you leave the man alone?
Give him the benefit of the doubt.
JANE: This coming from -*you*-, Miss "Innocent Until
You Piss Me Off"?
DARIA: Given his propensity for taking points off Gryffindor
... or more specifically, -*you*-...
HARRY: It's like he -*enjoys*- making you angry. He -*did*-
look rather pleased at your treatment of Lavender Brown the other day...
LYNN: (*gleep*) Well, she'd been asking for it. And I think
Warlock's the kind of teacher who prefers that his students channel their
efforts into their work rather than their one-liners.
HERM: But she was in the hospital wing for two -*days*-!
LYNN: -*That*- was an accident.
RON: I think he just likes it when you go evil. True sign of
a recruiter for the Death Eaters.
(There's silence as the meaning sinks in. AP sort of tries
to cower under the table. Jane looks like she wouldn't mind joining him in
that. Lynn has gone -*very*- still and Daria tries to jump in before something
not very nice happens.)
DARIA: Excuse me ... I think you're jumping to conclusions.
You -*can*- enjoy a bit of ... random violence ... without being a Dark wizard.
I should know.
RON: And -*that*-?
(Turn to the door, where the hooded figure has entered and
approached Warlock.)
DARIA: ...Your guess is as good as mine.
RON: This is bad. Hooded figures hanging around in pubs are
bad news. Ask Hagrid!
AP: Come again?
(Daria raises an eyebrow.)
HARRY: A hooded man got Hagrid into a card game. Hagrid won
an illegal dragon egg, but by then he was so drunk he blurted out a Hogwarts
secret that almost got Voldemort the Philosopher's Stone.
RON: That time, the bloke in the hood turned out to be You-Know-Who!
And he -*is*- after Harry!
LYNN: And you think...?
DARIA: So, in other words, this will end in fire.
HERM: I don't know, Ron. He -*is*- one of our teachers...
RON: Does that mean he can't -*possibly*- be a Death Eater?
HARRY: It may have happened before, but Dumbledore would
have made sure that nothing like last year happens again.
HERM: But Harry, you'd have thought that Dumbledore would
have made sure that nothing like that happened after Professor Quirrell! And
-*then*- look what happened -- Professor Moody ... well, Bart Crouch Junior
-*pretending*- to be Moody...
LYNN: (standing up) He. Is. -*Not*-. A Death Eater. (beat)
I'm going back to the school.
(She collects her shopping, slings her cloak over her
shoulders and strides out.)
JANE: Well, -*now*- you've done it.
AP: Be sure'n check your bed tonight before you get in it.
She does Magical Creature extra study and can get her hands on salamanders and
all -*kindsa*- stuff.
(Ron looks -*incredibly*- nervous.)
(Scene: Gryffindor girls' dormitory. I'm making a guess that
there aren't any more than five people per Gryffindor dorm room, so Daria, Jane
and Lynn are sharing with Hermione; the fifth bed is empty. Jane sits up,
staggers out of bed, walks around the bed ... and trips over a pile of presents
at the foot of her bed.)
JANE: Mrrwn?
HERM: (sitting up) Happy Christmas, Jane!
DARIA: (groping for her glasses) Merry Christmas, Hermio...
(sits up and peers at Jane, still lying facedown on the floor) Uh ... Jane?
JANE: Mrrwn?
DARIA: What are you doing on the floor?
JANE: Dnnnnnnnn.
HERM: I ... think she tripped over the presents.
DARIA: (blink) We got -*presents*-?
HERM: I understood -*Harry*- being surprised, but...
LYNN: (sitting up as well, squinting at them without her
glasses) Daria doesn't take well to the idea that people care enough about her
to give her presents.
DARIA: (slight smirk) Your pile's bigger than mine.
LYNN: (slight panic) -*What*-? You -*are*- kidding, right?
HERM: (a little stunned) Uh ... she's not, actually...
(When Lynn turns to grope for her own glasses, Daria's smirk
widens.)
DARIA: And I'm not the -*only*- one.
(Scene: Boy's dormitory. In this one, they've added an extra
bed -- the room seems bigger to compensate. Harry's sitting on his bed,
unwrapping a small package. AP's unwrapping a small one of his own two beds
away.)
HARRY/AP: (unison) A toothbrush.
(They look at each other strangely, each holding up their
toothbrush -- Harry's is yellow; AP's is green.)
AP: Well, at least it's useful, right?
HARRY: The Dursleys just don't want to have to pay dentist
bills.
AP: I thought dentists came on that NHS thing...
DEAN: (unwrapping a football jersey) AP, one thing you learn
as a Muggle here; NHS stands for No Hope, Sunshine.
NEVILLE: So you all ready for the Yule Ball?
RON: Are you daft? I'll have to turn up in those horrible
maroon dress robes again!
(Harry narrows his eyes a little ... and then Ron tears into
a fairly large package and reveals a set of very dark navy blue dress robes.
His eyes widen; Harry hides a smile.)
HARRY: What was that about horrible dress robes?
RON: I knew Fred and George were doing well with the
Wheezes, but I didn't think they'd spend this much on -*me*-!
(Enter a disheveled Jane, a slightly amused-looking Daria
and an incredibly disgruntled Lynn. Hermione follows, wringing her hands.
They're all bearing parcels.)
SEAMUS: Oi! You're not s'posed to be in here!
RON: Ah, stuff a sock in it, Seamus!
HARRY: (looking up from a parcel) Speaking of socks ... more
from Dobby.
JANE: (unwrapping a bright red knitted jumper) What's
-*this*-?
RON & HARRY: A Weasley jumper.
JANE: (peering into the wrapping) There's fruitcake in here!
LYNN: We've -*all*- got one. (holds up a purple knitted
jumper) It's ... very...
HARRY: They're quite warm. Good for wearing under your
Quidditch robes this time of year.
RON: And they're better than the ones the rest of us get.
Mum makes more of an effort when you're not family.
AP: (holding up his -- it's blue) She did it by the colours.
Nice. (grin) So c'mon; what'd you all get me?
DARIA: Why don't you just open them and find out? (she unwraps
a flat parcel) Jane...
JANE: (sheepish grin) Yeaaaah?
(Daria wordlessly holds up the painting -- it's of Helen,
Jake and Quinn.)
QUINNPIC: My -*God*-, this place is -*awful*-! What's with
all the old furniture?
HELENPIC: (warning) Quinn...
JANE: (sheepish) I thought she and the Fat Lady could
exchange fashion tips.
HARRY: What's this?
(Everyone looks at what he holds up -- it's an odd
contraption, a sort of a flat black box with straps on it.)
LYNN: It's a spring-loaded clip. I took the measurements on
your wand and made it to fit.
HARRY: But what's it -*for*-?
(Lynn holds up her right arm and flicks her wrist outward.
Her wand is suddenly in her hand. As the young English wizards stare [Daria,
Jane and AP just watch with bemusement], she rolls up the sleeve of her robe. A
similar spring-loaded clip is strapped to her own arm -- she stuffs her wand
back into it before digging back into her packages.)
LYNN: -*That's*- what it's for. If you face Voldemort again,
I'm sure you'll be glad of having your wand somewhere that's impervious to
Accio. Is this what I think it is?
(She holds up a crystal ball.)
RON: Who got you -*that*-?
JANE: If you're going to give me three guesses, I'll say
Lavender, Parvati or Madam Trelawney herself.
LYNN: Right on the nose with the third one. Well, I guess I
can always use a paperweight.
(With that, she chucks it into a pile of wrapping paper and
continues. The look on her face as she does so prompts a desperate desire for a
change of subject ... which is provided when Neville falls over, gasping. A
moment later, he's gone, having turned into a komodo dragon. Dean and Seamus,
not having seen a lizard that big since the Triwizard Tournament, scream, drop
their parcels and run out of the room. Everyone left in the room looks at Lynn
and AP. Lynn just gives a shrug and goes back to her unwrapping. AP sheepishly
provides the explanation.)
AP: He must've opened the twins' thing.
HARRY: Serpent Surprises?
RON: Well, it was certainly -*that*-.
LYNN: Actually, serpents refer to snakes, for the most part.
Those were the Komodo Caramels.
HERM: That's -*ridiculous*-! And when does he turn back?
AP: In a minute or so. (beat; to Lynn) Hey, Purple Peril.
Did the twins ever figure out how to make the clothes go back too?
(Lynn looks at him with slight panic and grabs a blanket off
the bed, draping it over the lizard. A moment later, Neville reappears. He
peers under the blanket and goes the colour of a stop sign. As he tightens the
blanket around himself, climbs onto the bed and shuts the curtains around it,
Ron and Harry can't help laughing; Jane joins them. Hermione and Daria,
however, look varying degrees of disgusted. Lynn and AP just look a little
sheepish.)
LYNN: Apparently not.
HERM: Well, I'm going to go get ready for the Yule Ball. You
wouldn't -*believe*- the time it takes to get my hair under control.
(She stalks out of the room. Daria, Jane and Lynn collect
their belongings and join her; Jane's still snickering. Harry and Ron look at
AP.)
RON: Am I going to have to test everything I ever eat to
make sure you or my brothers haven't -*done*- something to it?
HARRY: Cheer up; at least they never turned you into
anything.
RON: Oh, no; just burned a hole right through my tongue...
NEVILLE: (OS; meek) Could someone please hand me a pair of
pyjamas?
(Scene: Entrance Hall. Harry, Ron and AP are standing
around, waiting. AP is wringing his hands, looking as nervous as if he actually
-*had*- a date. Fred, George, Dean and Lee join them after a moment.)
FRED: We saw Ginny on the way out. The girls'll be ready in
a minute.
GEORGE: AP, you'll wear the skin off your hands.
AP: Well ... I ... awjeez...
(They look up as the girls come down the stairs. Jane's
dress robes are red with black lace; she looks good enough to make Dean grin.
Daria's dress robes look a lot like Harry's; they're emerald green too, only
they have black lace at collar and cuffs as well. Hermione's wearing her
periwinkle blue dress robes and her hair in the elegant knot; she looks as
lovely as she did at the first Yule Ball. Upon seeing her, Ron starts to sweat.
Ginny's dress robes are tan and she looks quite happy to be old enough to go;
she does, however, blush every time she looks at Harry. Angelina, like Jane, is
wearing red -- obviously feeling it's her best colour -- but hers are edged in
gold. Lynn's dress robes are purple [like we couldn't have guessed] and floaty.
Her hair is up in a French plait, and AP's reaction to her is the same as Ron's
is to Hermione.)
LYNN: Hey. (looking at AP's plain black dress robes with
blue piping) It suits you.
AP: (trying not to show too much emotion) Thanks. Yours're
nice too.
LYNN: (slight blush) Thanks.
JANE: (extending an arm to Dean) Come on; let's see if
wizards -*really*- know how to party.
(Dean grins a little wider, takes Jane's arm and leads her
into the Great Hall. Ron offers his arm to Hermione, obviously not quite aware
of what he's doing. Hermione smiles sweetly, takes it and leads Ron into the
Hall. Daria and Harry shrug and walk in together, but they don't touch. Lee and
Angelina grin at each other a little and link arms, going in as well. Lynn
follows them, alone, and AP watches with a hangdog look on his face.)
FRED: (grinning) Don't worry, mate!
GEORGE: (also grinning) Ginny's in on it too, AP.
FRED: Think of it as our Christmas present to you.
GEORGE: And a thanks for all the help with the Wheezes.
AP: But ... what ... wait ... no...
(But Fred and George are already gone. AP looks with huge
eyes at Ginny, who smiles kindly at him.)
GINNY: Don't worry, AP. They know what they're doing.
(She takes his elbow and drags him into the Hall.)
AP: But ... eee ... muh...
(Scene: the Great Hall. Dinner is over, and Lynn is sitting
at one of the small tables, nursing a Butterbeer and casting not-quite-casual
glances across the room at AP, who's talking to Ginny. Every time she takes her
eyes off him, he looks in her direction with obvious puppy-dog eyes. Ginny has
noticed this and shoots George a look from where he stands at the buffet table.
George nods and moves towards Lynn's table, and Ginny looks at AP.)
GINNY: Would you dance with me? Maybe if I dance with
someone, I'll be able to ask ... (shoots a look at Harry, who's chatting to
Hermione) someone who's not related to me.
AP: Oh, you don't wanna dance with me, squirt. I don't do
with the moving...
GINNY: Oh, come -*on*-; you couldn't -*possibly*- be that
bad.
(With that, she drags him onto the dance floor. Pan to where
George has approached Lynn and bowed deeply to her in the manner of an English
gentleman [well, it's half-right].)
GEORGE: (very overdone upper-class accent) Dear Lady
Cullen-Smythe, I would be delighted if you would do me the honour of agreeing
to join me in a dance.
LYNN: (raised eyebrow) I -*said*- I would save you a dance,
didn't I?
GEORGE: (dropping the act) Oh, come on, Lynn; where's the
fun if we can't play Lord and Lady High Muckamuck?
(Lynn just rolls her eyes, gets to her feet and takes the
arm George has offered her. George leads her out to the dance floor and then
spins her into his arms in a suave movement that makes her smile indulgently.
AP has caught this [not a person in the room hasn't] and he scowls, losing
concentration and stepping on Ginny's foot. From the extent of her wince, it's
not the first time he's done it.)
GINNY: Ow!
AP: Look, see, I -*told*- you I was bad with the moving...
Can we get off the floor now?
GINNY: (looking up at the ceiling) No! I ... uh ... we
should just not try to move around too much. Just ... sway ... and don't lift
your feet, all right?
(AP nods miserably and looks towards where Lynn and George
were standing ... only they're not there anymore. They are, in fact, heading
towards AP and Ginny from the side in a not-unimpressive tango step. But they
don't stop when they should; they collide with Ginny and AP. For a moment,
there's a confusing tangle of arms, legs and torsos ... and then George is
tangoing Ginny away with a "mission accomplished" grin and Lynn and
AP are standing facing each other, AP's arm around Lynn's shoulders to steady
himself. They look up at the same time and spy the mistletoe hovering about two
feet over their heads.)
LYNN: (*blink*) How cliché?
AP: (blushing and wincing) Damnthemdamnthemdamnthem...
LYNN: Well ... it -*is*- tradition...
(Lynn leans in and kisses him. He's stunned motionless for a
split-second, but starts responding in a big hurry. The kiss lasts, finally
breaking. They look at each other with stunned eyes for a moment, and then Lynn
disengages herself and walks quickly away, blushing. George tangos Ginny back
towards AP, grinning widely. Ginny has an indulgent, "how romantic"
smile on.)
GEORGE: Looked like you enjoyed -*that*-, mate!
GINNY: How'd it go?
AP: Thankyouthankyouthankyou...
(With that, he wanders towards the doors to get some air,
bouncing off several small tables on the way.)
GEORGE: (turning to Ginny with the grin) So, seems I owe you
a favour, little sister. (pointed glance in Harry's direction) Anything we can
help -*you*- with?
GINNY: (blushing furiously) Oh, -*George*-...
(George locks eyes with Fred from across the room and nods
to Ginny, and then in Harry's direction. Fred nods and mutters something to
Katie Bell, who smirks a little but approaches Harry. After a moment, Katie
drags Harry onto the dance floor. Ginny looks at George, panicked.)
GEORGE: Let's go again, then...
GINNY: (blushing but freaked) Oh, George ... George,
-*no*-...
(But George is off again, tangoing her towards Harry. Fred
points his wand at the mistletoe and Banishes it until it's hanging just over
Harry's head. Pan to Daria, who's joined by Jane at a small table towards the
front of the room.)
JANE: Pity Trent's not here.
DARIA: Jane...
JANE: I mean, there's Lynn and AP...
DARIA: Jane, shut up.
JANE: And now ... aw, look, isn't that -*cute*-? They're
-*both*- blushing...
DARIA: Jane, this is your last warning.
JANE: But with the hovering mistletoe and the Cupid Twins,
maybe you and Trent could -*finally*-...
DARIA: (discreetly pointing her wand at Jane) Quietus.
(Jane turns around to Daria, one hand on her throat, and
glares at her with accusing eyes. Daria smirks and walks away. Jane takes out
her wand, points it at Daria and mouths something. Unfortunately for Jane,
nothing happens. Jane grabs a pad and pen and starts looking for someone to
Sonorus her.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Neville's sitting in an
armchair in the corner -- he looks a little lonely. The portrait hole opens and
people start piling through. Jane looks extremely grumpy and stalks over to
Neville, scrawls on her pad and shows it to Neville. He frowns at it for a
moment and then pulls out his wand.)
NEVILLE: Sonorus.
JANE: (relieved sigh) -*Thank*- you.
DARIA: (who happens to be passing) Damn you.
JANE: Oh, Morgendorffer, I'm going to give you -*such*- a
hexing...
DARIA: You'll have to catch me first.
(With that, Daria hurries up to the dorms, followed by a
disgruntled Jane. Neville looks really confused. Pan to Fred and George, who've
set up a game of Exploding Snap at one of the nearby tables. The sound of
footsteps make them look up -- Lynn's standing there, just looking at them.
They both stand up, nervous but determined.)
FRED: Look, we did that for AP.
GEORGE: He's our cousin and it was our fault he didn't feel
he could ask you to the Ball.
FRED: So we played Fairy Godmother.
GEORGE: Less of the "fairy" there, George...
FRED: And if you're going to hex us, hex away.
GEORGE: (Shakespearean overblown self-sacrifice) We gladly
brave the slings and arrows of Cullen misfortune in the knowledge that we gave
our dear cousin a moment of happiness.
(Finally, blessed silence. Lynn looks at them a moment
longer ... then steps forward and kisses them each on the cheek, once.)
LYNN: (very soft) Thanks.
(With that, she walks off. Fred and George look a little
nonplussed for a moment; then they grin.)
FRED: He's in there!
(Scene: McGonagall's classroom. McGonagall is pacing the
room, evaluating the work of the classroom.)
McGONAGALL: Longbottom...
NEVILLE: (holding up a velveteen rabbit that's coughing up
bits of cotton) Oops!
McGONAGALL: Allow me to reiterate your instructions, class.
Slippers ... into -*rabbits*-.
(She points her wand at a bedroom slipper [white bunny
slipper] sitting on her desk. *Pop*; it turns into a normal rabbit and starts
hopping around the desk. Cut to AP's desk. AP waves his table leg; there is a
*pop* and then he winces.)
AP: Sooooorry.
(we pan down to a desk to see a small purple rabbit. The
rabbit manages to look extremely pissed off even without much in the way of
facial expressions.)
HERM: At least it's better-looking than the ferret.
DARIA: It doesn't matter. She'll still have to do something
dire to him. Her honour demands no less.
JANE: She has -*honour*-?
DARIA: You make a point. Maybe more her reputation. Someone
of her temperament ... as a rabbit?
AP: (evil thought hits) Rabbit...? Oh MAN, she's gonna go
Bun-Bun on me...
HARRY: Who?
DARIA: Web comic ... never mind. Mini-lop with a switchblade
and a grudge against telemarketers.
RON: Telemarketers?
HERM: A Muggle thing. You're better off not knowing.
AP: Uh ... Professor McGonagall? Can I be excused? I think,
once you turn her back, this class'll be a health hazard.
MCGONAGALL: Oh come now, McIntyre, what's the worst that
could happen?
(McGonagall does the reversal. Lynn, her hair still streaked
with purple, reaches for her wand and points it at AP with wrath in her eyes.)
LYNN: -*TARANTALLEGRA*-!
(Everybody runs for cover as AP starts making like a very
clumsy Fred Astaire.)
AP: ACK! Cripes! Jeez, Purple Peril, who rewrote this as the
Red Shoes? MAKEITSTOP!
MCGONAGALL: Finite Incantatem! (AP stops dancing and falls
flat on his face.) Ten points from Gryffindor for horseplay and YOU, Ms Cullen
... detention!
LYNN: (clenched teeth) Yes. Ma'am. (under her breath) They
teach you all this great revenge technique and then they don't let you use
it...
HARRY: We're meant to be the good guys, Lynn, remember?
LYNN: For me, that -*is*- good. Ask anyone.
(looks shot at Daria and AP, who nod emphatically)
HERM: Oh dear.
RON: Wicked!
AP: Hey, if she's wicked, and a witch, and she comes from
-*west*- of here...
LYNN: AP, I already have detention and nothing left to lose.
AP: Eep.
DARIA: Um ... neutral corners, everyone?
LYNN: You're no fun anymore.
(Scene: greenhouse 6. Harry, Hermione and Ron are working
with Bouncing Bulbs at a table.)
RON: Come off it, Hermione! That's a load of rubbish and you
-*know*- it!
HERM: I seem to know a -*lot*- more than -*you*- do, Ron...
RON: That's only because you spend your entire -*life*- with
your head in a book! How about watching the -*people*-?
HARRY: Ron's got a point, Hermione. I mean, true, things
with Lynn -*are*- a little strange, but think about it. If she -*was*- a dark
witch, AP would have to be in on it.
HERM: Well, that would be perfect cover for him, wouldn't
it? I mean, he's supposedly a relative of an employee of the Minister of Magic!
No one too high up, so it wouldn't be suspicious...
HARRY: Yes, but Hermione, that someone would have to be -*really*-
good at fooling people.
HERM: But he -*could*-...
(A kerfuffle at a table nearby causes them to look over. AP
is struggling -- his Bouncing Bulb is hitting the table, bouncing off his face
and hitting the table again only to repeat the process. In short, he's been
turned into a human Bo-Lo bat.)
AP: (*smack*) Ow! (*smack*) Ow! (*smack*) OW!
(Lynn finally manages to get a hold of the Bulb and she,
Daria and Jane huddle around AP, who is sporting two black eyes and a bloody
nose. Sprout comes over and murmurs at them for a moment, and then AP staggers
out, presumably towards the hospital wing. Back to Harry, Ron and Hermione, who
have watched the scene with interest. Harry and Ron level looks at Hermione,
who looks a little sheepish.)
HERM: Oh, all right, perhaps he -*isn't*- the makings of a
Death Eater.
RON: And you didn't see him with Mum -- he can't lie to save
his skin!
HERM: Well, -*that*- could just be his cover...
HARRY: You mean he's pretending to be a -*bad*- liar so no
one will see how -*good*- a liar he is? That's a bit circular, Hermione.
RON: Not to mention too complicated! Hermione, he's my
-*cousin*-, all right? I'd -*know*- if he was up to something!
HERM: Ron, you've known him five -*minutes*-!
HARRY: And you've known Daria even less time and you don't
seem uncertain about -*her*-. And she -*is*- Lynn's sister.
HERM: (flustered) Yes, well... Well, she... Well, she's so
-*upstanding*-! She'd -*never*- get up to something suspicious! Not unless she
was -*dragged*- into it!
HARRY: Give her the benefit of the doubt, Hermione. After
all, -*we*- do things that people would consider suspicious all the -*time*-.
Anyway, most of it's just revenge. And you should know all about that, what
with what you did to Rita Skeeter.
(Hermione, now looking extremely embarrassed, just turns to
her Bulbs again. Harry and Ron share a slight smirk before going back to their
own work.)
(Gryffindor common room. Gang lounging. Lynn is leafing
through a copy of "Quidditch Through the Ages", frowning gently.
Daria and Ron are playing chess. Harry's going over tactics with Fred and
George while Hermione and AP work on what looks like Arithmancy homework. Jane
is painting the whole thing [with her own paints, not the moving-picture
stuff].)
LYNN: Skinning ... cobbing ... isn't -*anything*- legal in
this game?
HARRY: Well, you're allowed to beat Bludgers at the other
players. Then there's things like the Wronski Feint...
LYNN: That's more for Seekers, though.
DARIA: (looking up from chessboard, where her sole remaining
rook has been taken by one of Ron's bishops) Your propensity for violence gets
more disturbing by the day, Lynn. (She proceeds to post to alt.pot.kettle.black
by sending her queen in to rough up the offending bishop.)
AP: Pro-wha?
JANE: (peering at him over her easel, eyebrow raised) I
-*really*- don't believe you lasted for six months with Daria, AP...
LYNN: (to Daria) Look at it this way. Back in the Muggle
world, you hit a flying bowling ball into someone's face and they're going to
be in nose-splints for weeks. Here, they're mopped up, magically medicked and
good as new within minutes. So why worry about hurting people when it's that
temporary?
(short silence)
AP: (to the room at large) Before you ask, that's just her.
She's really ... prognostic?
LYNN: Pragmatic.
AP: Oh. Right. That.
GEORGE: See, -*that's*- what's going to make her one of the
best Beaters we've ever had!
FRED: Yeah! With the school's best Seeker and the school's
best Beater, we're going to be -*unbeatable*-!
DARIA: Bad pun. Can we have you sent to Azkaban for that?
HARRY: (*shudder*) Don't even joke. Some things...
DARIA: (realising) Right. Sorry about that.
GEORGE: (trying to break tension) We're going to dinner.
Coming?
(A look is exchanged. Lynn doesn't seem to be in on it,
still immersed in her book, but...)
LYNN: I'll be a few more minutes, George. I want to see if
there's something that I can do on the pitch that won't result in a penalty
shot for the opposing team.
FRED: Wicked!
GEORGE: Knowing her, it -*will*- be. You lot?
DARIA: I might as well let Ron finish beating the crap out
of me at this chess game.
RON: Won't be long! (his knight makes short work of Daria's
queen.) Check!
HARRY: We'll wait. I want to see this.
(Fred and George nod agreement and leave. Daria knocks her
king over, acknowledging defeat [a cry of protest leaves the king but she
ignores it]. Lynn sticks a piece of parchment in her book and drops it on the
floor near her chair.)
LYNN: Okay, speaking of Azkaban, how goes the plan as
regards the clearing of Sirius Black? Any news from Warlock?
HARRY: Not really. Every time I ask, he just says "it's
under control".
DARIA: That's ... reassuring...
LYNN: (grumbling) In a way. I'd prefer a bit more detail on
just how it -*is*- being controlled.
HARRY: I don't see how we can -*force*- him to explain...
JANE: Yeah; he carries the wizard equivalent of a .44 Mag.
I'm not going to annoy a man who threatens the Furnunculus charm - I just got
over adolescent acne and boils I -*do*- not need.
HERM: Do you suppose we could ask Professor Dumbledore? I
mean, he's -*bound*- to know something about it...
RON: Come -*on*-, Hermione; d'you really think he'd tell
-*us*-?
HERM: He might tell -*Harry*-, though.
HARRY: I don't want to push things with Professor
Dumbledore, Hermione. It wouldn't be fair.
LYNN: Maybe -*I*- should ask him.
RON: Who, Professor Dumbledore? But you barely speak to him
and...
LYNN: No, I mean -*Warlock*-. (*sigh*) I've spent some time
with the man, so...
DARIA: (*blink*) Excuse me?
AP: You -*what*-? When? -*Where*-? I mean, I mean, I mean...
LYNN: Remember I took off for awhile back in June? Well, I
went off to meet up with him for some last-minute witch-style training. And
some further weapons work. Aurors use -*all*- the tools of the trade - magic
and Muggle.
HARRY: So you could talk to him? Ask for further details of
what's going on?
LYNN: I was hoping not to have to do that, but... (*sigh*)
Yeah, I suppose. Though if -*you*- couldn't get him to talk, Harry, I don't
expect to get that much more.
HARRY: Well, you can't do any -*worse*-, can you?
LYNN: You have a point. Now, we should get to dinner before
Fred and George wonder what's taking us so long.
(With that, she gets up and heads for the portrait hole. The
others follow.)
(Scene: Entrance Hall. The gang are heading down the stairs,
talking.)
HARRY: So when d'you think you'll get hold of him?
LYNN: Well, given how often he keeps me back after class,
I'd say sometime after our next class with him.
RON: But you don't have him for a couple of -*days*- yet! I
have him tomorrow; I'd be better off talking to him myself!
AP: And say -*what*-? Look, Ron, you're cool and that, but
when it comes to that guy, you're with the words like -*I'm*- with the words!
RON: Oh, come off it, AP! He -*is*- a little bit odd and the
last thing I want is to get a Death Eater mad at...
LYNN: He is -*not*- a...
(They reach the bottom of the stairs and Lynn, who's nearly
going backwards to face Ron, runs smack into Goyle. The gang find themselves
facing Malfoy and his two cronies.)
MALFOY: Why don't you mudbloods and Muggle-lovers watch
where you're going?
(He turns to stalk off and nearly runs into Warlock, who's
glaring at Malfoy in a way that makes Ron shrink back even as he watches with
the others, eager for a repeat of the ferret incident.)
WARLOCK: (ice) That, Mr Malfoy, will be one hundred points
from Slytherin House. You will not allow such filthy epithets to cross your
lips while a student at this school.
MALFOY: What do -*you*- care?
WARLOCK: Perhaps you are not aware that my mother was a
Muggle. You will keep your ... arrogant attitude to yourself. Or would you care
for a duel?
MALFOY: I can't believe you are threatening a child of one
of the most powerful pureblood families in the country. When my father hears of
this, he'll...
WARLOCK: That'll be two hundred, Malfoy. Care to try for
four?
MALFOY: (utterly stunned) No one in history has lost
Slytherin house two hundred points before!
WARLOCK: I suppose three hundred is much rarer.
MALFOY: THREE?!
WARLOCK: I'm adding as I go. And may I add -- if you're a
shining example of pureblood-ness, I don't want any part of it.
(Malfoy decides to cut his losses and leaves, Crabbe and
Goyle following along behind. Warlock makes to move away and Harry shoves Lynn
in his general direction. Caught off guard, she nearly falls over at his feet,
and Warlock looks at her.)
LYNN: Excuse me.
WARLOCK: Was there something, Ms Smythe?
LYNN: I was wondering if I could have a word with you. In
private. About ... Dark Arts.
WARLOCK: (casual) Of course. Having to look at Malfoy over
dinner would put me off my food anyway. My office?
(Lynn nods and follows him, looking back at her friends with
a shrug as she goes. Hermione looks incensed.)
HERM: I don't like this -*at all*-.
HARRY: We -*asked*- her to talk to him, Hermione...
HERM: "About -*Dark Arts*-"? I -*ask*- you!
RON: Hermione, would you -*relax*-? She was probably just
looking for a way to say it without announcing Snuffles to the school!
HARRY: We -*are*- trying to be discreet about this,
Hermione.
HERM: Well, -*I*- think she's being discreet about more than
-*that*-.
JANE: If you're going to accuse our friend of something,
Hermione, do it straight out.
AP: Yeah; that way I have something solid to hex you for!
HERM: (shrinking in the face of the glares she's getting
from Daria, Jane and AP) Well ... I don't ... (*sigh*) All right, I apologise.
But I -*still*- don't trust her.
(With a final glare, Daria, Jane and AP head off to dinner. Harry
and Ron look at her.)
HARRY: I'd drop this if I were you, Hermione. At least until
you have proof that there's something to be suspicious of.
RON: Yeah; unless you fancy spending a week in the hospital
wing, that is.
(They go in to dinner too, leaving a worried but still angry
Hermione looking after them.)
(Scene: boys' dormitory. Harry is asleep ... at least until
a long-fingered hand pokes him in the shoulder a few times. He groans and looks
over to see Dobby looking at him.)
HARRY: Dobby! What are you doing here?
DOBBY: Dobby was wanting to see you, sir! And how is Harry
Potter's Wheezy?
HARRY: Ron's ... fine. (gropes for his glasses, puts them
on) Dobby, it's very late and I have lessons in the morning...
DOBBY: Dobby is knowing the time, sir. But Dobby thought
that Harry Potter would be worried about his friend.
HARRY: (blink) Which one now?
DOBBY: Dobby is seeing Harry Potter's friend, sir -- one of
the ones from Away. Dobby is seeing her in the kitchens, sir. And Dobby is
knowing that Harry Potter is too good to want to see his friend from Away being
in trouble with Mr Filch.
HARRY: Is this the one in green, or purple?
DOBBY: Purple, sir. And Dobby is knowing that Mr Filch is
coming into the kitchen shortly and though Dobby tried, Harry Potter's friend
from Away is not listening...
HARRY: (getting out of bed) All right, Dobby. I'll be down
soon.
(He goes to his trunk, opens it and takes out his
Invisibility Cloak.)
(Scene: the kitchens. Lynn's sitting at a table, her crystal
ball between her hands. Dobby's already back and standing with Winky -- they're
the only two elves in the kitchen at the moment. Winky's looking a fair bit
better than she had, but her clothes are still a mess -- obviously even wizarding
laundry can only do so much.)
WINKY: Oh, Dobby, she is getting into so much trouble...
DOBBY: Harry Potter is making sure that his friend from Away
is getting into no trouble -- a greater wizard there has never been.
(The door opens and shuts, and then Harry takes off his
Cloak.)
HARRY: Er ... Lynn?
LYNN: Mmm?
HARRY: I know you missed supper ... but you really should
take whatever you're eating upstairs. You see, Filch patrols...
LYNN: I know. Your sock-obsessed friend over here made much
noise about that.
HARRY: Come -*on*-, Lynn! I know things are a little odd
right now, but I honestly don't want to see you expelled!
LYNN: You haven't been listening to Hermione very much,
then.
HARRY: Er ... you knew?
LYNN: I keep my ear to the ground.
HARRY: And ... you don't...
LYNN: Eh. People've said worse about me. No offense taken.
HARRY: Er. Thanks. (beat; gestures to the ball) I thought
you weren't going to use that?
LYNN: I'm not. I've been carrying it around with me since I
got it, trying to figure out what to do with it. I had been hoping Fred and
George would have some ideas at dinner tonight, but...
HARRY: So how did that go, by the way? What did he say about
things with ... Snuffles?
LYNN: Having deciphered the code in which he traditionally
speaks, you're supposed to get a message to ... Snuffles. Get him to take up
residence in the Shrieking Shack, or that cave he was in last year, or
-*anywhere*- nearby. Ready to come here at a moment's notice. Fudge is supposed
to visit sometime in either May or June.
HARRY: That was all the detail you got?
LYNN: He's not the most forthcoming of people. I was lucky
to get -*that*-. I wish there was some other way...
(She's looking at the crystal ball now, mostly to avoid
Harry's eyes ... and it starts to glow. She and Harry just look at it -- we see
nothing, and Harry obviously sees nothing in particular, but Lynn apparently
sees something that drains the blood from her face and widens her eyes. The
light in the ball dies and Harry looks at Lynn.)
HARRY: It never did that for me... I saw ... -*shapes*-. I
... what did -*you*- see?
LYNN: (-*way*- too fast) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now
let's go before Mrs Norris shows up.
(Harry looks at her a moment longer, and then picks up the
Invisibility Cloak. She stands next to him and he throws it over both of them.
As they vanish, Dobby and Winky wave good-bye at where they should probably
be.)
DOBBY: Good-bye, Harry Potter! Winky and I is keeping your
secrets!
HARRY: (OS) Yeah ... thanks, Dobby.
(The kitchen door opens and then shuts again.)
(Scene: Great Hall. The gang sit over their breakfast; Lynn
looks haggard. AP looks at her with real concern. Harry also shoots looks her
way, curious and a little afraid. After a moment, owls fly in, delivering
post.)
AP: It's -*never*- gonna beat "You've got mail"...
(Dustpuppy hits Daria in the head, bounces and falls into a
jug of pumpkin juice. We see a letter clasped in his talons, which are sticking
out of the jug. Daria rescues her owl before he drowns and takes the letter.
Dustpuppy shakes the juice out of his feathers and then starts flying figure
eights around Daria and AP's heads. Shylock lands on Lynn's shoulder with a
letter in his beak; Lynn takes it from him gently.)
LYNN: Thank you. (hands Shylock a chunk of toast crust)
Daria, what'd you get?
DARIA: It's from Quinn. She wants to know if the wizarding
world has any good cosmetics.
AP: Well, I can whip up a perfume or two ... do you want to
make her irresitable to men, or turn her skin green?
DARIA: Can you do both at the same time?
AP: Hmm... Let me think about this. (beat) What'd you get,
Purple Peril?
LYNN: Letter from Dad. He's been keeping tabs on my marks
and other quote-end-quote 'achievements'.
JANE: And?
LYNN: Well, generally approving. Particularly thrilled about
the Quidditch. Wonders why I lost a total of fifty points for Gryffindor over
the past month.
AP: Fifty?
LYNN: Fifteen for mouthing off to Warlock, ten for mouthing
off to Binns, five for the thing in Transfiguration a couple of weeks ago, and
twenty for the rat spleen incident in Potions.
DARIA: He's keeping hard tabs, isn't he?
LYNN: Yeah. Well, he's proud of -*you*-, anyway. So far,
you've more than made up for the points I lost us.
AP: I guess I'm lucky the 'rents don't know the points
system from a hole in a tree.
HARRY: It's useful to have Muggle parents, isn't it?
AP: Sorta like that, yeah. Not that Dad noticed that much
when I got in trouble at school anyway, but it was different then. But if he
ever got reports that I lost fifty points last week just cos I tried a Cheering
Charm on Snape...
JANE: Well, it would've worked if you hadn't mistaken
'Rictusempra' for a Cheering Charm, AP...
(Pan to the staff table, where an eagle owl has brought
Warlock a bright red envelope. Warlock looks at it for a moment, then slits it
open.)
ENVELOPE: HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE SCION OF ONE OF THIS
COUNTRY'S OLDEST PURE-BLOOD FAMILIES IN SUCH A SHABBY...
(Warlock seems to recognise the voice - or at least the
cadence - and rolls his eyes as the voice from the Howler continues to shake
the ceiling. Cut to a good - or, at least, loud - 15 minutes later)
ENVELOPE: ...WILL PERSONALLY SEE YOU REMOVED FROM YOUR
TEACHING JOB! PERHAPS EVEN FROM YOUR...!
(Warlock decides he's heard enough and grabs a pitcher of
pumpkin juice, dumping it over the envelope. It hisses and steams balefully for
a moment, but falls silent. In the very deep silence that follows, you can
almost hear Harry, Ron, Neville and everyone else who's ever received a Howler
asking themselves, "Why didn't -*I*- think of that? Then Warlock stands
and calls to Malfoy across the room, who's looking a little smug.)
WARLOCK: Mr Malfoy? (beat) Pray give your father my
compliments on his vocabulary ... oh, and four hundred -- more -- points from
Slytherin house.
(The smug look is nearly slapped off Malfoy's face from the
shock of this. The rest of the Slytherin table starts throwing food and hexes
at Draco. Malfoy, covered with food and boils, leaps to his feet and draws his
wand to protect himself from his fellow Slytherins. By this time, the rest of
the staff and most of the students are on their feet and armed. Some Slytherin,
taking the opportunity to 'miss' Malfoy, throws Jelly Legs in the vague
direction of the rest of the room. Some Ravenclaw fires back Rictusempra. Gets
Crabbe. Lynn pulls her wand before getting hit in the back by a Stun charm. Pan
to AP, who looks guilty but determined.)
AP: (remorseful) Sorry, Purple Peril, but you'd get us all
killed...
(He sees a great many people pointing wands at the
Gryffindor table, turns around to Jane and nods at the table itself. Jane gets
into it and, with help from Ron and Harry, they tip the table over and begin
using it as cover. Things become irchonicable. The Hufflepuff table suffers
Wingardium Leviosa. A silver stag runs amuck. Diffindo gets thrown at various
students, finally answering the age-old question of what exactly they wear
under their robes; however, since this is a family fic, we can't give you any
details. The staff is totally overwhelmed with blocking or ducking random
hexes.)
DUMBLEDORE: Accio wands!
(He ends up with about 500 wands stacked at his feet. Pan
over the Great Hall. It's a mess. The Hufflepuff table is hanging in midair,
along with about half the Hufflepuffs. The Ravenclaw table is shattered. The
Slytherin table is smouldering in places. Various students are dancing or
screaming or malformed. The prefects are worst off, pretty much obviously. Cho
Chang got hit with a scalper and is totally bald, Hermione's drenched in sweat
from a fever charm, and Harry got hit with a broadside from about half of table
Slytherin. Jane got hit by Conjuctivita, AP has slight burns, Daria's glasses
are broken. Ron, by pure chance, seems to have got away unhit.)
DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL, FLITWICK & WARLOCK: (in near
unison) Finite Incantem!
(Those hexed with things like Rictusempera, Tarantallegra
and Wingardium Leviosa finally settle [those with Furnunculus and similar are
out of luck until they get to the hospital wing.] Unfortunately, with four very
potent wizards all using that spell at the same time in a room as heavily
charmed as the Great Hall, that's not all that happens. The ceiling goes out.
The lights go out. The armor falls over lifeless. The plates and other
miscellaneous props vanish [but the food remains]. There is total silence as
everyone stares at the staff table, awaiting sentence. After a moment,
Dumbledore speaks.)
DUMBLEDORE: First off, I must say that I have never seen
this level of destruction during a meal in all my years at Hogwarts. I am very
disappointed in all of you.
(The students all look down at the floor [if they're in any
state to do so] as he continues.)
DUMBLEDORE: (cont'd) You will -*all*- receive detention --
all tasks to do with restoring the Great Hall. First and second years will be
scrubbing the Hall under Filch's direction.
FILCH: (from the doorway; purple with rage) I'd -*rather*-
have them put in -*irons*-, Professor! Never seen such a mess!
(Dennis, with a bad case of Twitchy Ears, looks horrified.)
DUMBLEDORE: (ignoring that) Third and fourth years will be
working with Professor McGonagall to restore the ceiling and the lights.
(Colin looks at McGonagall, whose lips have thinned to the
point of disappearing, and goes white under the bad case of boils he's got.)
DUMBLEDORE: (cont'd) Fifth and sixth years will be working
with Professor Flitwick to repair the food delivery and the armor.
RON: (looking at Harry, who's unconscious and steaming, a
mess of mixed jinxes) I don't think -*some*- of us will...
DUMBLEDORE: Seventh years will be helping cast Priori
Incantatem on the other students' wands once their own have been subjected to
the charm. According to the level of damage each student has created, points
will be taken from their respective House. For the moment, however, claim your
wands.
(The students who are capable of moving step up to sift
through the pile of wands at Dumbledore's feet, moving sheepishly and as
quickly as they're able.)
(Scene: the same, some time later. Daria and AP are poking
at a collapsed suit of armour.)
DARIA: Three hundred points. I don't believe we had three
hundred points taken off.
AP: C'mon, Erudite Emerald, you gotta've figured. I mean,
half the time the Slytherins were aiming at -*us*-. We were -*gonna*- defend
ourselves, right?
DARIA: The only people who lost more points were the
Slytherins.
AP: (grin) Yeah. With the points he took off for all that
Mudblood stuff, they're a neat eight hundred or so in the -*red*-.
DARIA: Hufflepuffs only one-fifty; Ravenclaws two-fifty. An
impressive level of damage all around.
AP: Saw Ron in the kitchens when I tried to get lunch -- and
-*boy*- the house elves are tweeking. He says there's never been -*anything*-
like this.
DARIA: Where are Lynn and Harry, anyway? Lynn I can
understand not being here -- her wand was probably the only one that was clean.
But I -*saw*- Harry throw some fairly nasty curses Malfoy's way.
AP: They're -*both*- still in the hospital wing. Purple
Peril's still a little woozy -- guess my wand packs too much torque to throw a
Stunner unless I -*really*- gotta -- and Firebolt's still being de-hexed. Or
un-hexed.
DARIA: (raised eyebrow) "Firebolt"?
AP: They all gotta have nicknames, right? Like Moony,
Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Tell me Prongs wouldn't've been proud. Firebolt
for the broom. And the scar.
DARIA: Do I even want to -*know*- what you came up with for
Ron and Hermione?
AP: Well, for -*her*-, gotta stick to the classics and go
for Bookworm. As in point-three-oh-three.
DARIA: The day she got you into Terry Pratchett was a bad
day for us all. And for Ron?
AP: Deep Blue.
DARIA: The chess-playing -*computer*-?
(AP just grins at her and jabs his wand at the suit of
armour. The left leg links together and kicks him in the shin; he screams and
falls over, clutching his leg. Daria smirks.)
(Scene: Gryffindor changing room. Lynn, in her Quidditch
robes, is twining her hair into a braid. Madam Trelawny drifts in, peering at
Lynn through her glasses.)
TRELAWNY: I was hoping to get you alone, dear.
(Lynn turns and faces Trelawny.)
LYNN: Obviously, the feeling isn't mutual.
TRELAWNY: I do wish you'd give more credence to your talent,
dear. The Ministry does so depend on its seers. Why, I myself have had to
deflect several owls from the Ministry, requesting my presence.
LYNN: Maybe you shouldn't. After all, think of how many more
people you'd amuse with your so-called predictions.
TRELAWNY: I was hoping my Christmas present would change
your mind about the ... the -*veracity*- of the divinatory arts. Have you found
use for it? It's one of the best they had.
LYNN: Oh, don't worry. I've found a perfect use for it.
(Off Lynn's very slight smirk and Trelawny's slightly
puzzled expression, cut to...)
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. We see Lee in the commentator's
box.)
LEE: And Potter is circling, looking for the Snitch;
Ravenclaw Seeker Cho Chang seems to be marking the Gryffindor Seeker instead of
the Snitch -- given the power of Potter's Firebolt, that might be a mistake.
Spinnet is being targeted by a Bludger...
(To the pitch itself; George moves to intercept the Bludger
that Katie's desperately trying to outrace. He swings his bat at it ... and
freezes dead when it shatters under the blow. As he watches the pieces fall,
they change -- what he thought was a Bludger was a cunningly disguised crystal
ball. Lynn speeds past him as the whistle blows for a time-out; she's
smirking.)
GEORGE: (sounding rather like C3PO from RotJ) Huh. I never
knew I had it in me.
(Scene: the lake. Harry, Ron and Hermione are huddled into a
little knot off to one side of the rest of the class.)
RON: So it was -*Lynn*- with the breakable Bludger?
HARRY: Well, I can't think who else would have done it.
Besides, you haven't seen her brooding over that crystal ball Trelawny gave
her, have you?
HERM: And you say she -*saw*- something in it? -*Really*-?
But it's -*nonsense*-!
HERRY: Well, usually it -*is*- nonsense. Just ... I suppose
occasionally Divination's worth something after all.
HERM: Well, I don't like the fact that she wouldn't -*tell*-
you about it. I mean, Madam Trelawny tells you about every stupid prediction
she's ever had, real or not!
RON: Yeah, but that's -*her*-. She -*likes*- putting people
into a panic.
HERM: And Lynn's far too secretive for -*our*- good! I'd
just imagine she saw something that she didn't want you warned about!
RON: Hermione, knock it -*off*-! More like she knows no
one'd believe her anyway!
HAGRID: Righ'! Settle down, yer lot!
(Harry, Ron and Hermione approach Lynn and AP, who have
apparently been amusing themselves by attaching a rat's tail onto Malfoy's
behind.)
HERM: Oh, -*Lynn*-!
RON: How long d'you think he'll go without noticing?
HERM: RON!
(Harry waves at them all to shut up.)
HAGRID: Since th' weather's warmed up a bit, thought we'd
start a unit on merpeople!
HARRY: (sotto) As if I don't know enough about -*them*- to
last a lifetime...
HAGRID: Now, yeh have t'be careful of merpeople... They kin
be frien'ly, but terr'torrial... An' lots of 'em don' speak English.
AP: Uh ... anyone got a Babel fish handy?
HAGRID: 'M gonna be teachin' yeh a few phrases in Mermish;
jes' enough so that yeh don' go offendin' em.
(AP, slightly panicked by the idea of learning another
language, steps backwards and trips over Malfoy's tail. Both boys tumble to the
floor; Malfoy screams in pain and various of the Gryffindors laugh. Hagrid
fights a grin as he picks AP up by the scruff of the neck; Malfoy he leaves.)
HARRY: (snickering) You have to admit, Hermione, that had
some comedy value to it.
(Hermione just snorts derisively and starts paying attention
to Hagrid again.)
(Scene: Great Hall. Harry and Ron enter for dinner and notice
Cornelius Fudge seated at the staff table. They ease their way over to the rest
of the gang, who are watching the staff table with interest.)
LYNN: I want to show you something. (flicks her wrist; out
comes her wand) Wingardium Leviosa.
(Fudge's goblet of pumpkin juice hovers, about three feet to
the left, landing on Hagrid's bread plate. Hagrid looks at it with some
confusion, but hands it back to Fudge, who looks a little embarrassed.)
HARRY: No one even noticed.
LYNN: And if I'd wanted to slip a few drops of poison or
something into that glass, no one would've been any the wiser until it was too
late.
HARRY: This is ridiculous. Fudge dragged Dementors as
bodyguards here the last time he came; why would he come so alone and unguarded
-*now*-?
RON: You heard him after the Tournament, Harry. He doesn't
believe that You-Know-Who's back. He wants to prove it to Professor Dumbledore,
maybe.
HARRY: Bit of a stupid way of doing it, if that's the case.
JANE: Well, what do you propose -*we*- do about it? Who
listens to the students?
DARIA: More people than you think, particularly when one of
the students is the Boy Who Lived ... and the other has a bit of a reputation
for being a Seer in the making.
AP: Erudite Emerald, ix-nay on the...
LYNN: That'd be pointless. I've been -*denying*- it for most
of a year; what credibility would I have if I tried to capitalise on it now?
DARIA: You make a point. But you -*do*- have a certain
dialogue open with Warlock that you -*could*- capitalise on.
HERM: Why don't you talk to Professor Dumbledore, Harry? I'm
sure he'd be able to...
HARRY: That might not be a very good idea. He's going to be
busy with Fudge for most of the day, and you know Fudge has very little faith
in me these days.
RON: There must be -*someone*- we can warn!
(Scene: Transfiguration class. Herm is standing in front of
McGonagall, wringing her hands. Daria stands beside her.)
HERM: But Professor McGonagall, if you'd just -*listen*-...
McGONAGALL: Now you listen to me, Ms Granger. Mr Fudge was
-*obliged*- not to bring any protection into the school because the only ...
-*creatures*- he feels are fit to guard him are those Dementors, and Professor
Dumbledore just would not have it. Far be it from me to speak ill of the
Minister of Magic...
DARIA: But the man's only going to be able to listen to
reason in this school if we leave his denial bubble alone and potentially let
Death Eaters get him.
McGONAGALL: Now, -*really*-, Ms Smythe! I don't see how
-*any*- Death Eater could gain access to the Hogwarts grounds!
HERM: But ... but Sirius Black...
McGONAGALL: There were extraneous circumstances there, Ms
Granger.
DARIA: I think a former school Governor -- and a parent of
one of the students -- has some pretty extraneous circumstances surrounding him
too, don't you?
McGONAGALL: We have no proof that Lucius Malfoy...
DARIA: I didn't -*say*- Lucius Malfoy. But obviously the
name's been on your mind in that capacity.
HERM: Listen, Professor, just -*please*- say you'll keep a
closer watch on Mr Fudge! At -*least*- until ... uh ... his business with
Professor Dumbledore is concluded!
McGONAGALL: I know that you and your companions have been
very helpful to the school in the past, Ms Granger, but I begin to feel that
the repeated exposure to such danger is making you ... a little paranoid. Now
would you please trust in our ability to do our job and go back to your common
room?
(The tone in which she says that is ambiguous in everything
except its finality. Daria and Hermione leave the room, shooting the teacher
looks over their shoulder.)
(Scene: corridor. Lynn is standing outside the door to Dark
Arts, fuming silently. Harry and Jane pile out after her. AP jogs up with an
expectant look on his face.)
AP: So how'd it go with Warlock?
HARRY: (almost not listening) What does it mean when she
turns that rather odd shade of maroon?
AP: It means she needs a distraction. NOW.
HARRY: Er ... how about a game of Quidditch? That usually
helps -*me*- with nerves.
AP: Uh ... Harry? This isn't nerves.
(Lynn flicks her wrist and out comes her wand.)
JANE: Um ... Lynn?
LYNN: Find. Me. Something. To. Practice. Reducto... (hole
gets blown in wall.)
HARRY: Er ... Lynn, how about just hitting bludgers for
awhile?
AP: Yeah. After the whole thing with the Exploding Fluid, we
can't -*afford*- to lose the kind of points blowing up the school will lose us.
(AP and Harry hustle Lynn off down the corridor. Jane looks
at the hole in the wall.)
JANE: Well, here goes nothing... (waves own wand) Reparo!
(Poof -- like Harry's glasses, the wall's repaired. Jane
looks at her wand and smiles.)
JANE: (slightly smug) I could get used to this. (looks
round) Hey guys, wait up!
(She runs off in the direction Harry, Lynn and AP took.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Daria and Ron are playing
chess at a table near the fire. The portrait hole opens and Harry enters. Lynn
is shoved through the portrait hole next, presumably by AP and Jane, who follow
her in.)
HARRY: I'll go get George and the others. They're bound to
like the idea of another practice, with the match against Slytherin coming up.
AP: Don't believe with all the points crap that Snape talked
Dumbledore into letting Slytherin have another whack at us to earn some back --
something's -*wrong*- with that guy...
(Harry bounds out of the room. Lynn slumps into a chair in
something of a sulk.)
DARIA: (looking over) Something wrong?
LYNN: No one listens to the juveniles. If they wind up
scraping Fudge off the floor, it's -*their*- problem and not mine. I absolve
myself of all responsibility for the adults -*now*-.
(Daria raises an eyebrow and looks at Jane, who rolls her
eyes.)
JANE: Just don't ask. She's...
LYNN: Exceedingly pissed off and still in the dark about why
you won't let me blow holes in the walls.
DARIA: I don't even want to know this time, do I?
JANE: You -*never*- want to know. But funnily enough, you
always manage to find out.
AP: She's gonna go have a Quidditch practice with the rest
of the team. I'm gonna go along cos I'm still trying to work out the kinks on
that broomstick I'm making.
HERM: Oh, can I come along and watch you work, AP? I find
the entire process of creating a magical object -*fascinating*-!
(Ron scowls at AP, who looks a bit blank.)
AP: Hey, no prob. Ron, Daria, you want in on this?
RON: (slightly relieved) I don't think so, thanks. I'd like
to see if Daria can actually beat me this time.
DARIA: Not bloody likely, but I'll give it a shot. No, we'll
stick around here.
JANE: I'm just gonna go get my camera. I wanted to try that
moving-picture potion they keep talking about anyway.
(Jane dashes off and nearly collides with Harry, who's
closely followed by Fred and George.)
GEORGE: Oh, Jane, could you see if Katie, Alicia and
Angelina are up there? We wanted them in on practice.
JANE: Sure. Be right down.
HARRY: We'll meet them on the Quidditch pitch, tell them.
GEORGE: C'mon, Lynn. I'd like to see if you lose accuracy
when you're...
LYNN: Mad as hell and not going to take it anymore?
(Something in her expression somewhat frightens George, who
steps back.)
GEORGE: Something ... like that, yeah. Let's go. (Lynn exits
through the portrait hole; George leans over to Fred) Watch your back.
(Fred nods; they follow Lynn out, as does AP and Harry.
Daria and Ron look at each other.)
RON: And I thought things were odd -*before*- you lot got
here.
DARIA: Magic or Muggle ... they don't come weirder.
(They shrug at each other and return their attention to
their chess game.)
(Scene: Quidditch pitch. AP and Hermione are sitting in the
stands. AP is holding a broomstick; he's tapping it with his wand and muttering
under his breath. Hermione is watching him, obviously desperate to jump in and
try to help.)
HERM: Oh, AP, maybe you could try...
AP: I wanna do this -*myself*-!
(Pan along the pitch; Jane's striding towards the stands,
with Malfoy haring off after. Cragge and Goyle are behind, carrying umbrellas
... with remarkable foresight, as it happens, as it starts to rain. Jane pauses
to look up at the sky in disgust; she obviously doesn't know Malfoy's behind
her.)
JANE: (groan) It's raining.
MALFOY: (gesturing) Men!
(Crabbe and Goyle open their umbrellas and hold them over
Jane and Malfoy.)
JANE: (dry) Halleluja.
MALFOY: Halle-what?
JANE: Never mind. So what are you doing slithering around
here?
MALFOY: Oh, I simply thought I'd take a look at the
Gryffindor's playing style. We -*will*- be playing them again next week, you
realise.
JANE: It doesn't how much you spy on them, lizard-boy;
you're -*still*- going to get your nonexistent butt kicked next Saturday.
Again.
MALFOY: I beg to differ. We have a little secret weapon up
our sleeves.
JANE: (raised eyebrow) Oh, -*really*-? That sounds
interesting...
MALFOY: (nasty smirk) Ah, wouldn't -*you*- like to know? You
know, that was very crafty. You have all the makings of a Malfoy.
JANE: Yeah, I also have the makings of a Soylent Green
dinner for four; your point?
MALFOY: You know, you and I ... could be interesting. Of
course, you'd have to do something about that Muggle family of yours, but
that'd be simple enough. With the Malfoy name and money, a great many ...
inadequacies ... may be overlooked.
(They've just about reached the stands now, and Jane stops
to look at him like he's pondlife.)
JANE: But what -*can't*- be overlooked is your high opinion
of yourself and your -*pathetic*- prejucides against Muggle-borns. (Malfoy
opens his mouth) Ah-ah-ah... (pulls wand) Quietus!
(Malfoy clutches at his throat. Jane smirks as AP and
Hermione head down the stands to join them.)
HERM: Oh, Jane, what have you -*done*-?
JANE: Just muzzled the hate-dog.
AP: Way to go, Art-Smart Scarlet!
HERM: What a horrible thing to do to someone -- and a
terrible abuse of magic! (beat; thinks) Uh ... actually ... (stiffly but with a
slight smile) way to go ... Art-Smart Scarlet.
(Malfoy, with a disgusted but almost admiring look on his
face, stalks off with Crabbe and Goyle trundling in his wake. There are grins
all around, which turn to shocked looks as a Bludger hits Crabbe in the back of
the head; Goyle turns to look but only has the time to let out one chuckle at
the expense of his friend before the bludger comes back and conks him right in
the forehead. Malfoy looks at both of them, decides to cut his losses and runs
like hell. The Bludger, sensing new targets, starts to shoot at AP, Jane and
Hermione, but Lynn speeds into shot and cuts the Bludger off, beating it long
back to the pitch and following it with an intense look on her face.)
AP: And now way to go, Purple -*Peril*-!
HERM: No, -*that*- was going too far...
(Jane apparently notices something behind them and goes
pale.)
AP: What's up, Art-Smart...
MALE VOICE: (somewhat familiar) Crucio.
(On the Quidditch pitch, George and Lynn are trying a new
trick -- beat the two Bludgers towards each other to see what happens. The two
Bludgers do a very sharp U-turn and aim for their heads. George whacks his
right through one of the goal hoops while Lynn dodges hers... and they both
freeze dead when they hear the screaming.)
GEORGE: What the...?
MALE VOICE: (OS) Accio wands!
(George's wand shoots out of his sleeve from where it was
obviously hidden in his T-shirt and flies towards one of three hooded figures
[Death Eeater 1] on the ground. One of the others [Death Eater 2] is standing
over a screaming Jane, Hermione and AP. The other [henceforth Death Eater 3]
points his wand at Katie and Angelina.)
DEATH EATER 3: Accio wands!
(Katie and Angelina lose their wands; Fred grapples for his
but he loses it too, to Death Eater 1's curse. Lynn shoots a look at Harry and
flicks her wrist. Her wand, hidden up her sleeve in a spring-loaded clip,
shoots out into her hand and she aims at Death Eater 1, who aims at her.)
LYNN & DE1: (unison) Petrificus Totalus!
(The curses meet midway; there's an impressive shower of
silver sparks. Lynn uses this distraction to hand Fred her Beater's bat; he and
George proceed to head for the nearest Bludger. Fred hits Death Eater 1 in the
stomach and George grazes Death Eater 3's right ear; his hood goes skewiff and
we see that there is a pale face under there, one that could be recognised if
it could be seen fully. But no one's really looking; Harry's flicked his wrist
for his own wand and taken advantage of Death Eater 3's moment of ill balance.)
HARRY: (pointing at Death Eater 3) Rictusempera!
(Death Eater 3 doesn't have time to dodge; he is hit by the
tickling charm and doubles over laughing. His hood falls away from his face
entirely as he does this, and we see that Death Eater 3 is Lucius Malfoy. Harry
pauses, shocked, and doesn't notice when Death Eater 2 looks up from Jane, AP
and Hermione and raises his hand to remove his hood -- Death Eater 2 is
Pettigrew. He raises his wand hand -- we now see it's silver -- and points the
wand at Harry.)
PETTIGREW: Avada Ked...
(He stops, nearly choking on the word. Harry turns and
stares at Pettigrew, frozen. Lynn notices this and flies off towards him
without hesitation.)
HARRY: Petrificus Totalus!
PETTIGREW: (almost at the same time) Crucio!
(As they deliver their curses, Lynn flies directly between
them and is knocked backwards and right off her broom by Pettigrew's curse. She
hits Harry as he finishes his own spell, knocking it wide. It hits Katie Bell
as she buzzes Death Eater 1 and she falls off her own broom. Luckily, sort of,
Death Eater 1 breaks her fall; his hood falls off, revealing MacNair [and are
we surprised?]. Back to Harry, who frowns at Pettigrew. That frown freezes the
former rat with terror.)
HARRY: (if at first you don't succeed...) Petrificus
Totalus!
(This time, his stunner hits dead on, and Pettigrew falls
flat on his face. Harry zooms down to check his prey; Fred, George, Alicia and
Angelina have landed near Jane, Hermione and AP and are checking them over.
MacNair has shaken Katie off and gone to Lucius, who is still helpless with
laughter.)
MACNAIR: Finite Incantatem!
(Lucius finally stops laughing but struggles to right
himself; he's badly out of breath. MacNair grabs the elder Malfoy and leads him
off towards the Forbidden Forest. Pan to the students; Hermione is groaning
with pain; Jane has managed to stifle herself but she's still obviously aching
from the stiff way she moves. AP's nearly unconscious. Angelina is still with
them, as is Fred; Alicia is trying to bring Katie around. George is kneeling by
Lynn, looking worried. Harry is binding Pettigrew with ropes -- obviously
leaving nothing to chance this time.)
JANE: They're getting away...
FRED: Never mind that. You just worry about yourselves.
HERM: (groaning) What -*happened*-?
ANGELINA: (to Fred) I think we need to get them to the
hospital wing, Fred...
GEORGE: (walking over) Them, maybe. I don't want to try
moving Lynn. I was reading some book she loaned me and when someone's fallen
that far and that hard, apparently you're supposed to be -*dead*- careful about
moving them...
HARRY: (moving towards them himself) Then I'll go to the
hospital wing for Madam McGovern.
FRED: Not on your own, you won't!
GEORGE: Fred's right. They were after you!
HARRY: (bitter and guilty) They're -*always*- after me.
FRED: Worry about it later, mate. Just, we'll go with you,
right?
GEORGE: Quick as we can. On the broomsticks.
FRED: C'mon, Harry. Tell me you've never dreamed of buzzing
the Fat Lady on that Firebolt of yours...
(Harry, still looking pale and guilty, mounts his Firebolt.)
HARRY: One of you keep an eye on Pettigrew. If he so much as
twitches, stun him again.
(Fred and George have taken the opportunity to mount their
brooms as well, and they all speed off together.)
(Scene: Hogwarts staircase. Snape is going down the stairs;
he stops at a dim whooshing noise.)
FRED: (OS) Mind your heads; mind your backs...
GEORGE (OS) Wizards in a hurry coming through...
(Snape moves to the bannister and peers off it angrily.)
SNAPE: Messrs Weasley! There are -*rules*- about flying
on...
(Fred, George and Harry barrel up the stairs from the other
reaction while his back's turned and knock him off the stairwell. Fortunately
for him, he has a firm grip on the bannister and actually manages to escape
plummeting to his death. He looks up to see the trio barrelling up the stairs
on their brooms and the scowl gets deeper.)
HARRY: (OS) Sorry, Professor Snape...
SNAPE: Potter!
(Scene: hospital wing. Kes is just opening what seems to be
a closet door when Harry, Fred and George barrel down the corridor. Kes turns
to them, a length of black cloth in her hands.)
KES: Well, you seem to be moving very quickly for the ill or
injured. What seems to be the...
(Fred and George start talking at once.)
FRED: Quidditch pitch...
GEORGE: People down! Lynn, Katie...
FRED: Hit with Crucio, Lynn was, fifty feet up...
KES: -*What*-? Wait...
HARRY: Death Eaters, Madame McGovern! We got Pettigrew...
GEORGE: Full Body-Bind, but Harry did the rope thing Lupin
taught him just in case...
FRED: But Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy ... and MacNair...
HARRY: And Fudge never believed they were Death Eaters, since
the Ministry...
GEORGE: The git's -*blind*-! -*Now*- let's see him deny
that...
KES: HOLD IT! (They stop and look at her.) You said people
were hurt?
HARRY: Lynn blocked the Cruciatus curse, fifty feet in the
air. Pettigrew meant it for me.
FRED: Katie was Stunned, too...
GEORGE: But she's bound to be alright, she only fell ten
feet or so, she's recovered from worse after the Cup matches...
KES: Okay; I've heard enough. (*sigh*) Well, that's my
evening gone straight to hell.
(She drops the length of black material on the floor of the
closet, changes form and flies off down the corridor. Fred and George follow
her at a run. Harry, however, hesitates, picking up the length of cloth he
found on the floor. He shakes it out, hangs it on its peg and rushes out.)
(Scene: Gryffindor common room. Ron and Daria are both
squinting at the chessboard.)
RON: You -*are*- getting better at this.
DARIA: Still doesn't mean I'm going to be able to beat you.
(A raucous raptor's screech is heard out the window. Both
Ron and Daria look toward the window and see a kestrel shoot past. Daria heads
for the window. Ron does the same, via the mantlepiece, where someone's
Omnioculars are lying. Daria squints out the window.)
RON: Where?
DARIA: It looks like she's heading for the Quidditch
pitch...
(Ron trains the Omnioculars on the distance, where the
Quidditch goal hoops are just visible. Then he drops them.)
RON: Something's happening; come on!
DARIA: She didn't hit someone in the...
RON: (looking at her with wide eyes and a pale face) I
-*seriously*- doubt it.
(That look on Ron's face obviously really worries Daria, but
she realises there's no time to ask him for explanations.)
DARIA: That was Kes. So, hospital wing.
(Ron just nods and they both dash for the portrait hole. It
opens before they get to it and Neville starts climbing through, stopping as he
sees Daria and Ron, who aren't stopping.)
NEVILLE: Uh ... hi! Where're...
(Ron literally climbs through the portrait hole over
Neville, who screams in protest. Daria follows him, trying to avoid him but not
having much luck.)
DARIA: Sorry.
(Neville lies there, battered and confused, as Daria and
Ron's progress towards the hospital wing fades into the distance.)
(Scene: Great Hall. The room is full of quiet mutters.
Malfoy is sitting with a group of Slytherins, looking rather smug. All the
Gryffindors, who've obviously heard -*something*-, are still and rather
stunned. The other two tables are looking around, swapping rumours amongst
themselves. Dumbledore, at the staff table, stands.)
DUMBLEDORE: If I may have everyone's attention...
(The Hall falls under a dead hush.)
DUMBLEDORE: It is my duty to inform you all that Hogwarts
has recently come under attack by Death Eaters.
(The Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables erupt into feverish
whispering. The Gryffindor table just sit, waiting for more confirmation. The
Slytherin table is a jumble -- some look shocked, others look a little shifty,
and Malfoy's smug look intensifies.)
DUMBLEDORE: I will not give the identities of the
perpetrators before this entire school... (a slightly dark look in Malfoy's
direction; now he looks worried) ...because there is other news that affects
you all more directly. The attack took place on the Quidditch pitch this
afternoon, so I have been obliged to cancel the final match of the year as a
precaution.
(Some disappointed groans, but not very many, and not very
loud.)
DUMBLEDORE: Additionally, the final two Hogsmeade visits of
the term will be cancelled, and all students are asked to remain in the castle
as much as possible until we receive further information. However, as it is so
close to exam time, the school -*will*- remain open, and there will be no
further Dementor presence in this school.
(Harry looks somewhat relieved by this, as do Neville, Ginny
and a few others.)
DUMBLEDORE: Finally, I would ask you all to raise your
glasses in a toast to those who weathered this particular attack. Hermione
Granger, Andrew McIntyre, Jane Lane, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, Katie
Bell, Lynn Smythe and Harry Potter -- and to send wishes for a speedy recovery
to Ms Bell and Ms Smythe, who tarry in the hospital wing.
(-*Almost*- everyone raises their goblets in silence -- as
with the last toast to Harry Potter, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and a few of the
other Slytherins stay seated. Dumbledore looks at them, apparently impassive,
then sits; everyone takes this as a signal to go back to their dinners and
their rumour swapping with the extra ammunition he's given them.)
(Scene: corridor. Parvati and Lavender are hovering around
the doors to the hospital wing.)
PARVATI: Ooh, she should have listened to Professor
Trelawny...
LAVENDER: Oh, Parvati, maybe we should have tried harder to
make her switch to Divination... Maybe Professor Trelawny could have convinced
her to listen to that dream she had.
PARVATI: It's just like Harry Potter - did you hear he
predicted that the hippogriff would escape during his third-year exam? And he
doesn't even -*care*- that he's a seer!