behind the looking glasses

CHRISTINA RICCI IN A DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

CHRISTINA RICCI

Hi, I'm Christina Ricci, and welcome to "Behind the Looking Glasses".  In this special, you'll see bloopers and outtakes from the hit film Daria.  The final film, as good as it was, doesn't begin to belie what happened on the set.  We'll start with one of the few, I mean many, talented performers in this production.  Over the years Robin Williams has given laughter and mirth to the masses, starting with some show called Mork & Mindy and continuing up to today with such films as Aladdin and Bicentennial Man.  Although writer Akiva Goldsman was rather sensitive about us following his precious words, the total hack, Robin at times couldn't resist doing what he does best:  improvisation.  Let's have a look.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, TIMOTHY O'NEILL'S SELF-ESTEEM CLASS.

DARIA MARIE MORGENDORFFER/JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (wearing reading glasses, though what TIMOTHY O'NEILL/ROBIN WILLIAMS has on the board doesn't seem worthwhile reading anyway), JANE ANNE LANE/CHRISTINA RICCI, ANDREA FLYNN/ROSE MCGOWAN, ARTIE WILCOX/LUCAS BLACK, and a few other students are present.  JANE/RICCI, noticing DARIA/HEWITT for the first time, glances over at her, as if hungry and savoring the sight of a home-cooked meal.  The very tip of her tongue can be seen as she unconsciously licks all the way around her lips.  Realizing what she is doing, she nervously starts to chuckle, then makes a phoney smile.  DARIA/HEWITT doesn't seem unnerved at all and gives a hint of a genuine smile back.

MR. O'NEILL/WILLIAMS

Welcome, my little friends.  You are about to embark on a hero's journey, one that begins here in this classroom and will send you on an expedition into the very depths of your soul.  On the way you will encounter all kinds of dangers, face your deepest fears, but in the end you will emerge reborn, fresh as a new flower and free of all the cares and worries that have plagued humankind since they escaped from Pandora's box.

(ignores DARIA/HEWITT raising her hand, walks out among the students)

Have no fears!  For you will not make this journey alone.  We are all friends here.  We are here for you now.  We will be here for you in the future.  Though you be in the seventh circle of Hell, we will bring you up to salvation, to God's own promised land!

(slaps HEWITT on the forehead)

Out, demons of monotony!  Out, demons of sarcasm!  Out, demons of bad taste in clothing!  In the name of our lord, Jesus H. Christ of Latter Day Saints, I summon thee out of this misery chick and into Principal Angela Li, whose office is down the hall!  Praise the Lord!

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!  For God's sake, cut!

CHRISTINA RICCI IN HER DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

(not attending to the camera)

Now, why didn't I do that?

(noticing)

Oh!  As every fan of the cartoon Daria was based on knows, the character of Daria often speaks in a monotone voice.  For the movie, they cast the lovely

(coughing)

eating-disordered!

(normal)

Jennifer Love Hewitt in the title role.  She's displayed her acting talents, both of them, in such films as I Know What You Did Last Summer. But even someone of her stunning abilities had trouble sounding emotionless.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, MR. O'NEILL'S SELF-ESTEEM CLASS.

All the students except for ANDREA/ROSE MCGOWAN, DARIA/JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT, and JANE/CHRISTINA RICCI file out.

JANE/RICCI

What did he say?

DARIA/HEWITT

Sounds like some of that trash Quinn gave me to read.

JANE/RICCI

That bad, huh?

DARIA/HEWITT

The worst part is I stopped up the toilet trying to flush the computer.  I'm more worried about doing; most people aren't capable of thinking.  Ready to do this?

JANE/RICCI

Right behind you.

ANDREA/MCGOWAN

I can't.

DARIA/HEWITT

Sure you can.

JANE/RICCI

Just put a smile on your face and recite the lines.

ANDREA/MCGOWAN

I can't smile.  I've never been able to.

JANE/RICCI

Hey, if Little Ms. Monotone over here can do it, so can you.  And she has no emotions.

DARIA/HEWITT

(bursts out laughing)

I am not monotone.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

MCGOWAN

(smiles)

Now I'm smiling!

TAKE 2.

DARIA/HEWITT

(bursts out laughing)

I am not monotone.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

RICCI
(to HEWITT)

I hope you're not planning on making a habit of that.

TAKE 3.

DARIA/HEWITT

(monotone)

I am not

(bursts out laughing)

monotone.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut, for Pete's sake!

RICCI

(to HEWITT)

Can't you do anything right, you talentless, oversized Barbie doll?  We're talking a simple monotone, not something out of Shakespeare!  You just read the lines, you moron!  How the Hell did I end up playing second banana to a (beep)head like you?

HEWITT, on the verge of tears, runs off the set.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Damn it, Chris!  We have deadlines to meet!  How many more times are you going to do that?

RICCI

That depends on how many more times the misery skank screws up.

(beat)

I need a  cigarette.  Call me when and if Jenny gets her head together.

(exits)

MCGOWAN and WILLIAMS look at each other, shrug, and leave for some coffee.  SCHUMACHER can be heard grumbling to himself.

CHRISTINA RICCI IN HER DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

As you can see, the title role was incredibly demanding for someone like Love.  Given the serious complexity of these characters, there were some disputes as to what their motivations were.  Let's see how Denise Richards, who played in such films as The World Is Not Enough and Wild Things, deals with the role of Sandi, head bitch of the Fashion Club.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA.

Sitting at a table, LYNN QUINN MICHAELIS/KERI RUSSELL and SANDI D. GRIFFIN/DENISE RICHARDS are talking to CHARLES "UPCHUCK" RUTTHEIMER, III/JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

I'm glad you came to me, ladies.  "Treachery" is my middle name.

SANDI/RICHARDS

So you will help us?

QUINN/RUSSELL

Knowing him, he's probably got his own plans.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

(smiling)

I do.  I myself yearn to woo the fair Daria, which is clearly impossible while Trent is in the picture.

SANDI/RICHARDS

You want to date a nerd?  You must be some sort of sicko.

(beat)

Who the Hell wrote this trash?  Come on!  Nobody acts like this!

SCHUMACHER
(out of view)

Cut!

RUSSELL

Oh, God...

THOMAS

It's all very simple.  Sandi is a deeply disturbed woman.  She secretly is strongly attracted to Upchuck, the only one who can fulfill her deepest, most hidden fantasies.  However, she is too scared to give in to her desires, afraid that she will be overpowered by the experience.  As a defense, she tries to control everyone else, especially men inferior to Upchuck.

RICHARDS

Do you really expect me to believe that?

THOMAS

I assure you it is psychologically valid.  If you want, there's this method acting exercise--

RICHARDS punches THOMAS, causing him to collapse on the floor.

THOMAS

(weakly)

Rrrowr!  Feisty!

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

What is it with you crazy actors?

CHRISTINA RICCI IN HER DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Wow, I'll never forget the personality dynamics among that cast.  Another of our ensemble was Jakob Dylan, who played Trent Lane, loser musician, and what a big stretch that was.  Let's see how he deals with the first appearance of L. Quinn Michaelis, an evil seductress played by Felicity's Keri Russell.

INT. THE ZEN.

QUINN/KERI RUSSELL has just walked in, her breasts bouncing in slow motion.  TRENT/JAKOB DYLAN drools over her.

JANE/RICCI

(sarcastically)

Great.  L. Quinn Michaelis.

QUINN/RUSSELL

Hello, Trent.

TRENT/DYLAN

Uh, hi, Quinn.

QUINN/RUSSELL

I really enjoyed tonight's performance.  That last song was amazing.

TRENT/DYLAN

It's nothing, really.  Just a bunch of ramblings I patched together.

QUINN/RUSSELL

On the contrary, it was a hauntingly beautiful expression of the loneliness of human existence.

(beat)

You know, I can help you overcome that problem.

TRENT/DYLAN just drools over QUINN/RUSSELL.

RICCI

Hey, Jake!  Your line!

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

TAKE 2.

TRENT/DYLAN

Yeah, OK...

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Some of the people on the set were more deliberate jokers.  Early in the movie was an important scene which was right after the funeral for Daria's parents.  One of the many stars to have cameos in this scene was Kate Mulgrew, who plays Captain Kathryn Janeway on the writing-challenged Star Trek:  Voyager.  She appeared as Daria's aunt Rita Barksdale-Chambers, a fact you would only know by paying attention to the credits.  Kate wasn't supposed to have any lines, but for someone who is infamous as a prankster on the set, this did little to keep her from improvising.

INT. A MEETING ROOM.

Many relatives of AMY and KEITH MORGENDORFFER are present.  All present are wearing dark clothes, looking morose, and talking quietly among themselves.

RITA/MULGREW

(to PAUL CHAMBERS/KEVIN BACON)

Yes!  My evil sister is dead!  Break out the champagne!

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

TAKE 2.

DARIA/HEWITT

(to LURMAN CHAMBERS/ARON EISENBURG)

Great.  Not only do I have to go through the suffering of losing both of my parents in a freak accident--as a result of their trying to make an affirmation of life on their twentieth wedding anniversary--but now I'm stuck with having to move in with an aunt and uncle and a cousin I don't even like.

LURMAN/EISENBURG

Look on the bright side, Daria.  If you get stuck with my parents, at least we'll be able to team up against Erin immediately.  And Erin will probably marry her boyfriend Brian soon, so she'll move out and it'll be just us.

RITA/MULGREW

No, Daria.  Lurman's going to military school.

(evil laugh)

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!

TAKE 3.

LURMAN/EISENBURG

Look on the bright side, Daria.  If you get stuck with my parents, at least we'll be able to team up against Erin immediately.  And Erin will probably marry her boyfriend Brian soon, so she'll move out and it'll be just us.

RITA/MULGREW

That's what you think, Lurman.  That meat-loaf last Thursday was your brother Rick.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Argh!

(pukes)

TAKE 4.

RITA/MULGREW

This is an exciting Amish party.

SCHUMACHER (out of view) falls off his chair groaning.

BRIAN DANIELSON/DAVID SPADE

And may I say that be a fine party dress thou art wearing!

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Another important part of the plot was the relationship between Daria and Jane.  As part of script-writer Akiva Goldsman's "brilliant vision", they probed the various aspects of their feelings for each other.  Apparently the dramatic depth of one of the scenes was so great that "Love" had difficulty performing despite her great ability.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, JANE'S BEDROOM.

DARIA/HEWITT is sitting on the bed watching virtual TV on a large, flat computer screen, while JANE/RICCI is gluing a bunch of junk together into a sculpture with a glue gun.

JANE/RICCI

You really like my brother; don't you?

DARIA/HEWITT

What makes you think that?

JANE/RICCI

Come on, Daria.  I've seen you looking at my brother in the hall.  Why don't you go talk to him?

DARIA/HEWITT

What's it to you?

JANE/RICCI

You're not...

(beat)

...you know?

DARIA/HEWITT

No, I don't.  I'm not what?

JANE/RICCI

(sighs)

Hold still.

JANE/RICCI proceeds to suck face with DARIA/HEWITT, surprising the Hell out of the latter.

HEWITT

(jumping up)

Ooh!  Ick!  I can't believe you kissed me!  Argh!

RICCI

You're telling me?  Get a mint.

TAKE 2.

JANE/RICCI proceeds to suck face with DARIA/HEWITT, surprising the Hell out of the latter.

HEWITT

(jumping up)

Ugh!  Gross!  You slipped me tongue!

RICCI

Did not.

HEWITT

Pervert!

RICCI

Me?  I'm not the one flashing my cleavage around all the time to distract people from a lack of talent.

HEWITT runs off wailing.

SCHUMACHER

Chris!

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Another of our cast was Jonathan Taylor Thomas, one of the stars of Home Improvement.  He portrayed Charles Ruttheimer the Third, commonly known as Upchuck.  Johnny's sense of humor was terrific, but it often crept its way onto the set in unexpected ways.

INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

Note the canopy bed made of genuine walnut with a deep finish, the handmade lace bed ruffle, and of course the genuine silk sheets.  Have you ever slept nude in silk sheets?  It's almost like having your whole body surrounded by the finest part of a woman.

DARIA/HEWITT

Ew!  That's a really disgusting thought, crawling into a human brain.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

Well, they've shown everything else in porn.

HEWITT and THOMAS burst out laughing hysterically.

THOMAS

Oh, yes, baby!  Take me between your frontal lobes!

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!  I'm going to be sick!

TAKE 2.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

That wasn't the part I meant, but I do appreciate that aspect of a woman, too.

DARIA/HEWITT

You have some interior motive for bringing me in here; don't you?

Beat.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

Well, it has to do with your interior...

HEWITT

Huh?

THOMAS

You said interior, not ulterior.

HEWITT

(clutching her head)

You're making my head hurt!

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR

RICCI

As you can see, some of the lines gave people trouble.  Let's see a few more examples of people flubbing over their lines.

INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, THE DEN.

JESSE/DICAPRIO

Go, Trent!  Go!

DARIA/HEWITT

(falling back in her seat)

Oh, great.

TRENT/DYLAN

What happened to you two?

JANE/RICCI

Uh, looking for Quinn's missing contact?

DARIA/HEWITT

She found it already.

(picks sock off of JANE/RICCI's shoulder)

Is this yours?

JANE/RICCI

(sighs)

Jesse thought my head was a lollipop.

TRENT/DYLAN

(to Jesse)

Ready to get back to work?

JESSE/DICAPRIO

I'd rather do the lollipop thing again.

RICCI rolls her eyes in irritation.

INT. THE RUTTHEIMER HOUSE, THE GARAGE.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS is present, working on a computer whose screen hangs on the wall.  Enter BRITTANY/MELISSA JOAN HART.

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

Welcome to Chuck's House of Earthly Delights, my sweet.  Don't worry:  this torrid affair shall remain our little secret, as it must.

BRITTANY/HART

Listen, Upchuck:  you come near me, and--

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

I don't think Kevin's a threat at all; he's busy now with Daria, and I'm sure they'll be very happy together.  But you're right:  passion can wait until later.  As I'm more inclined in the brain department here, I've taken the liberty of designing our experiment.  You will find your costume--

BRITTANY/HART

Costume!  What are you planning, Upchuck?

UPCHUCK/THOMAS

It's very simple, Brittany.  We're going to study the perversions of men when they encounter women in highly desirable states.

HART

Perversions?

THOMAS and HART burst out laughing.

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR

RICCI

There were, of course, those times when our cast had to face their primal fears.  One of these was when Jenny had to pick up a rubber snake, something that really freaked her out.  Let's see how she handled it.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, DIANE BENNETT'S ECONOMICS CLASS.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

OK, just pick up the snake, Love.

HEWITT

You want me to pick it up?

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Yeah.  Just pick it up by the end of the tail and look at it like it's really disgusting.

RICCI

Think about kissing Joel.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Hey!

HEWITT

I hate snakes.  They're all slimy and icky.

MCGOWAN

(out of view)

Are not!

RICCI

Stop being a wuss and pick the thing up, Jenny.  For heaven's sake, it's just (beep)ing rubber.

HEWITT

I'm not a wuss.

RICCI

The big, bad snake isn't going to bite you.

HEWITT

It's gross!

RICCI

Then would you pick the thing up so we can go on to the next scene?

HEWITT

Um, OK...

HEWITT begins picking up the snake, which then proceeds to bite her.  She drops it and runs off screaming.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Chris!

RICCI

Don't look at me.  I hate snakes.

MCGOWAN

(entering shot, picking the snake up)

There, there.  Where did you come from, little fellow?  Just a harmless garter snake.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

I'm in the wrong business.

RICCI and MCGOWAN chuckle.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

What?

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR

RICCI

(talking on a cellular phone)

You tell them I want double what I got last time; you hear me!

(beat)

Like I give a (bleep) about that.  I want the money and the rewrites, or they can find someone else for the sequel!  You hear me?

(hangs up; notices the camera)

Oh.  Weren't those some amusing bloopers?  Well, given the difficult wordings and difficult acting demands of the script, slip-ups were bound to happen.  Let's look at a few more.  In this next one, I have to give what little help I could to a colleague in need.

CUT TO:  THE TANK, INTERIOR OF THE SIDE DOOR.

The door opens, revealing JANE/RICCI and JESSE/DICAPRIO.

JANE/RICCI

Finally!  I knew this would happen sooner or later!

JESSE/DICAPRIO

Cool.

DARIA/HEWITT

(out of view, weakly)

I will kill you, Jane.

RICCI

(exhasperated)

Oh, come on, you bimbo!  Stop wimping out on your lines.  Say it with feeling.

HEWITT

(out of view, still a bit flat)

I will kill you, Jane.

RICCI

Better, but make me believe you want to kill me, you talentless anorexic (beep)head!

HEWITT

(out of view, with feeling)

I will kill you, Jane!  Die, you (beep)ing bitch!

HEWITT rushes (fully-clothed) into view, tackles RICCI, and tries to strangle her.  RICCI punches out HEWITT.

RICCI

(exiting)

Good!  Just cut out the strangling, and it will be alright.

Beeped out words, presumably spoken by SCHUMACHER, can be heard.

ALTERNAPALOOZA.

Enter BEAVIS/IAN ZIERING and BUTT-HEAD/PAULY SHORE, followed by their cameraman TODD/EDWARD FURLONG and mike boom operator STEWART/FRED SAVAGE.  Another band, Angry Toads, starts setting up on stage.

BEAVIS/ZIERING

That was cool!  Very (searches for adjective) archetypal.  A vision of the happy sounds made by babies, punctuated with the bleak emptiness of the soul of human indignity, foreshadowing our common doom.

BUTT-HEAD/SHORE

Uh-huh.  Sorta like--What the Hell did you say?

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Wasn't Pauly Shore just throwing himself into the part of Butt-Head there?  Everyone seems to think that Casting didn't screw up for once with him.

(beat)

Speaking of screw-ups, let's look at a few times that happened on the set.

INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

JAKE MICHAELIS/JOHN TRAVOLTA is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper.  Enter HELEN BARKSDALE-MICHAELIS/GATES MCFADDEN through the front door.

HELEN/MCFADDEN

Hello, Jake.

JAKE/TRAVOLTA

Hi, Helen.

(drops the newspaper in shock)

Helen!  What are you doing here?  You're never home before eight on Saturdays!

HELEN/MCFADDEN

The three big cases I was working on suddenly evaporated.  In one the parties reconciled themselves, in the second they settled on their own, and in the third both of the parties died in a freak accident.  That leaves me with plenty of spare time today to spend with you and Quinn.

JAKE/TRAVOLTA

(pretends his palmtop computer is vibrating, checks it)

Oh my God!  The Lippincott deal is about to fall through!  No time to talk!  Got to get to the office!

JAKE/TRAVOLTA tries to rush out the front door but forgets to open it first, resulting in a collision beginning with the face.

TRAVOLTA

Oh, fudge!

INT. CHEZ PIERRE.

Chez Pierre is a fancy French restaurant, complete with rude waiters.  DARIA/HEWITT and UPCHUCK/THOMAS are sitting at a table.  DARIA/HEWITT is barely touching her food.  TRENT/DYLAN is standing at the entrance with the maitre d'/SAM NEILL.

maitre d'/NEILL

If you will follow me, sir.

(leads TRENT/DYLAN to UPCHUCK/THOMAS and DARIA/HEWITT and then walks away)

DARIA/HEWITT

Trent!

TRENT/DYLAN

Daria!  What are you doing here?

DARIA/HEWITT

I--

TRENT/DYLAN

I can't believe you'd do such a thing, double-timing me!

DARIA/HEWITT

But--

TRENT/DYLAN

We're through!

(tries storming out, turns and collides with an extra playing a waiter, followed by several entrees crashing to the floor)

RICCI IN DIRECTOR'S CHAIR

RICCI

This next clip shows how far actors can be affected by a script's subtext.  Of all the actresses portraying the Fashion Club, perhaps the most mischievous of them was Alyson Hannigan.  Although her character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is shy and subdued, the real-life actress was incredibly, shall we say, naughty.  Off and on the set she was a source of trouble.  Let's see her now driving Joel Schumacher crazy.

EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, COURTYARD.

SANDI/RICHARDS and QUINN/RUSSELL come face to face with TIFFANY/HANNIGAN, STACY/WITHERSPOON, and TED/HANSON.

TIFFANY/HANNIGAN

Just so you know, Fashion Fiend and Attention-Slut, Stacy and I are quitting the Fashion Club.

SANDI/RICHARDS

What!?

STACY/WITHERSPOON

You two are more infamous than popular now.  It would hurt our popularity to be associated with you two.

TIFFANY/HANNIGAN

As a matter of policy, we're rejecting any popularity advice you've given us that we feel is unjustified.

STACY/WITHERSPOON

For starters, as of this moment, we're openly dating guys you don't think are "worthy" of us.

HANNIGAN

(Beep) you two and your (beep)ing snobbery!

HANNIGAN grabs WITHERSPOON and begins sucking face.

SCHUMACHER

(out of view)

Cut!  What did I tell you people about improvising?

HEWITT

(out of view)

Ewww!  Gross!

RICCI IN HER DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

Of course, not all the interesting things happened in front of the cameras.  Fortunately, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who played the lecherous Upchuck, happened to bring his camcorder to the set.  Let's see what he recorded behind the scenes.

INT. SCHOOL SET.

JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS is holding the camera to his face, speaking into the lens.

THOMAS

Hi there.  I'm Jonathan Taylor Thomas, getting into character as the wonderful Charles Ruttheimer the Third, a suave and sophisticated high-schooler who is all the rage among the ladies.  I'm here on the set of Daria, a production directed by Joel Schumacher.  Yes, Schumacher, who is responsible for such national treasures as St. Elmo's Fire and Batman Forever and soon will be doing a film with Nicholas "City of Angels" Cage.  And why, pray tell, would I debase myself to work on this film?  Simple, my friend, they're paying me a lot of money.  Johnny's got to eat, you know.  Plus, this gives me an opportunity to spend time with such luscious, lovely ladies such as the beautiful Melissa Joan Hart.  You may know her from ABC's Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  I don't know about you, but she's sure put a spell on me.  But what other magic does she have?  Let's have a look; shall we?

CUT TO:  MELISSA JOAN HART AT THE BUFFET THE CATERING PEOPLE SET OUT.

HART, a paper plate in hand, begins picking through the food laid out.

THOMAS

(out of view)

See the lovely Melissa Joan Hart, blonde and shapely, and image of all that bewitches virile men.  What Hart doesn't know is that the egg-salad finger sandwiches, which she's been favoring the past week, are today made with a special ingredient.  Let's see what happens.

(beat)

In a moment.

(beat)

Any minute now.

(beat)

At some point in this lifetime.

(beat)

Apparently Melissa is having a change of diet.

HART wanders off.

THOMAS

Damn!  Wait a minute...

JOEL SCHUMACHER enters and immediately goes for the finger sandwiches.  As soon as he takes a bite, he runs off screaming, everything he says being beeped out.

THOMAS

(turning the camera back to him)

And that was how Joel Schumacher learned that egg salad should not be made

with jalapeño peppers.

BACKLOT.

THOMAS

(out of view, whispering)

Here we are on the backlot, out among the jungle of trailers they have set up to serve and service us in all our cinematically related needs and wants during this production.  For our first visit to this wilderness of vanity, we will visit that of the actress portraying our title character, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Love under ordinary circumstances is quite delectable, an object for the wanking of millions of virile males.  But is this the real Love, or is this a façade created by makeup, PR people, and possibly silicone, a mere fantasy created for our drooling-over with only a flimsy basis in reality?  And if it is latter, then, when all the glitz and glamour is not there, what is she really like?  To answer this question, I have brought you here to Miss Love Hewitt's trailer at six in the morning.  Now, before we enter, let me remind my viewers that Love will be seen in her natural state.  You are warned to use discretion, as the results could be very upsetting to the young and faint of heart and may ruin some fantasies.  Here goes...

THOMAS's hand enters the view.  He opens the lock with a key and enters the trailer, being extremely quiet.  Inside the trailer is decorated in pink and lace.  There is a bed in the trailer, and in it is someone covered up completely by the sheets.  Approaching, THOMAS reaches out and yanks back the sheets, revealing HEWITT.  Without makeup and the push-up bra, she looks considerably less attractive than she is usually given credit for being.  She sleeps serenely, wearing an oversized T-shirt and hugging a teddy bear.

THOMAS

(out of view, whispering)

As you can see, much of the appeal derives from the method of presentation.  This leaves the question of her true mammary endowments.  We could do this the simple way, merely lifting up her shirt to gaze upon them, but that is completely childish and puerile.  Furthermore, it isn't as much fun as what I have in mind.

THOMAS brings into view a very large squirt gun and aims it at HEWITT's chest.

THOMAS

Ready... aim... fire!

THOMAS begins shooting water at HEWITT, soaking her from head to toe, causing the T-shirt to cling to her.  HEWITT is suddenly shocked into consciousness and begins angrily screaming.

HEWITT

What the (beep) do you think you're doing, Jonathan!  Get your ass out of here!  I'm going to (beep)ing kill you, you (beep)ing (beep)!  Turn that (beep)ing thing off!

HEWITT  lobs the teddy bear at the camera, and the view jerks immediately to static.

BACKLOT, ELSEWHERE.

THOMAS, RICCI, MCGOWAN, and MARILYN MANSON are sitting on the steps to a building.  RICCI is smoking a cigarette.

THOMAS

We are here with the lovely and talented Christina Ricci, who got her start in Mermaids and has become a full-fledged indie queen with such films as The Opposite of Sex.  Very hot role!  She will be flying to England to work on Sleepy Hollow with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, a bit of a return to more mainstream films, as soon as shooting here is scheduled to wrap up.  Say hello to the viewers, Chris.

RICCI

(unenthusiastically)

Hey.

THOMAS

Also with us is the equally lovely indie queen Rose McGowan, who has been in such diverse productions as Devil in the Flesh, Going All the Way, and the hit horror-comedy Scream.  May I say that I've always thought they did a grave injustice in Scream killing off your character while keeping Neve Campbell's on for the sequel.

MCGOWAN

Well, thank you, Jonathan!

THOMAS

And finally we have the controversial, infamous, and interestingly dressed Marilyn Manson, rumored to be the love child of Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson, rock musician.

MANSON

I prefer the term "tonal artist".

THOMAS

By all means.  Marilyn is, sadly, not in the production, but he is the significant other of the luscious Rose and has been frequently on the set, making him an excellent choice to obtain critical interpretation of this production.  Thank you all for coming.

MANSON

Thank you for having us here.

THOMAS

Let us begin with the casting.  Rose, you are playing the role of Andrea, commonly known as "the Goth Chick".  What got you interested in the part?

MCGOWAN

It was chance really.  I was working on Jawbreaker when I got the offer.  Apparently they had cast Fairuza Balk in the part, only to have her back out due to conflicts.  So their people called my agent, sent a script over.  Marilyn actually looked at it first, and he begged me to do it.

MANSON

I just wanted the opportunity to hang with Jakob Dylan.  Big mistake.

MCGOWAN

I wasn't really excited over it, but what tipped me in favor of doing it was the fact that Schumacher, despite his problems, does get a lot of publicity.  And then they offered me a lot of money because it seems the only one who really wants to work with Schumacher at this point is Nicholas Cage.

THOMAS

Fascinating.  How about you, Chris?  What made you sign on to play the role of Jane?

RICCI

Lack of foresight, I think.  The script went to my agent, who insisted this was a great role, I'd get great publicity out of this, yada yada yada.  And so I come in and cast for the role, say my lines, and everyone thinks I do a great job.  Then Jenny came along.

THOMAS

You, of course, are referring to Jennifer Love Hewitt.

RICCI

Not the three words I would use to describe her.  I got the part of Daria cinched, and a week later they're telling me that they gave the part to someone else and they wanted me to play Jane instead.  So I'm thinking:  who's this fantastic actress they got to play Daria?  My agent insists this is a great gig, so I say:  OK, I'll play Jane.  Then about a week later I hear that the one they cast as Daria was Jenny, or "Love" as she prefers to be called.  I mean, what the Hell were they thinking?  She's not suited for the part!

THOMAS

What part do you think Love is best suited for?

RICCI

That of a mannequin.

MANSON

Didn't you suggest "scratching post for cats" once?

RICCI

That, too.  I wouldn't be surprised if to get the part she blew Schumacher.

MANSON

Argh!  I do not need that image.  Are you trying to give me nightmares?

MCGOWAN

Christina, what a filthy mouth you have!

RICCI

How else do you think she got it?  That and being cast as Audrey Hepburn?  It certainly couldn't have been for any on-screen talent.  Maybe an off-screen one.

MANSON

Love in porno?  That kind of cancels the first image out.

MCGOWAN

Marilyn!

MANSON

Sorry.  I have to agree with you, Chris.  Albeit crudely put, you seem to have tapped into Love's inferiority complex.  Being pushed since an early age to succeed in Hollywood--you remember Kids, Inc.?--she has been forced to fall back on the few assets she has in the face of increasing performance demands.

MCGOWAN

I love it when you talk dirty.

RICCI

(throwing away spent butt)

I gotta look into how she got it.  Joel claims he was really impressed with her casting performance, but I doubt that had to do with acting for the screen.

MCGOWAN

You're such a pessimist, Chris.  It could be something else, you know.

RICCI

The casting people are totally incompetent?

MANSON

That's a plausible explanation.  You've seen Batman & Robin; haven't you?

RICCI

And nearly had to gouge my eyes out afterwards.  I can't believe I auditioned for that.

MANSON

So maybe they thought Jenny would have a wider appeal, more photogenic or some BS like that.  Someone got horny over her and decided she should be the one.

RICCI

Maybe I should be in Maxim or something.

MCGOWAN

I already mentioned that idea to Melissa.  Get her out of teenage roles.  I think she'll do it, too.

RICCI

You're evil.

MCGOWAN

Thank you.

THOMAS

Getting off the topic of why Love sucks--

RICCI

Speaking of which, I get a copy of the egg-salad incident and you sneaking into Jenny's trailer after the wrap party, right?

THOMAS

Of course.  I'll burn you a DVD.  What do you see as the most challenging part of your role as Jane, Chris?

RICCI

Putting up with Schumacher.  That and one stupid dress the costumers stuck me in.  I don't know what they were thinking.

MANSON

Maybe they were still under the influence of something.

RICCI

Maybe.  That and the company of certain other persons make me think I'm getting royally screwed.

MCGOWAN

Yeah, Hollywood is Hell, and this is the seventh circle.  Some of the people are unpleasant to be around.

RICCI

Shall we begin to recount?

MCGOWAN

Why not?  The person I most despise here is--

HEWITT

(out of view)

Jonathan!

THOMAS

Oh, (beep)!

RICCI

Better run while you have a lead.

BACKLOT, ELSEWHERE.

THOMAS

(out of view)

I've managed to ditch Love.  Stimulating when properly made up for mass consumption, but, rowrrrrr, feisty!  Let us see if we can find someone else to interview.

THOMAS approaches a trailer.  In front of it is MARK WAHLBERG holding a large hammer.  Before him is a Furby being held in a vice, which he is pounding into oblivion.

Furby

Whee!  Again!

THOMAS

(backing away)

Let's not go there.

BACKLOT, ELSEWHERE.

THOMAS

We are now approaching the trailer of Leonardo DiCaprio, who plays the role of Jesse the animated coat-rack.  Many will remember him from Titanic, a movie fit to barf to.  Personally, I think he was much more suited for the role he had in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?  And what makes this man the famous actor he is?  Let us find out through a direct interview.

Voices are heard from the trailer ahead.

THOMAS

(whispering)

It appears that Leo has some company.  Let's find out who it is, shall we?

THOMAS approaches, positioning himself and zooming so to see through a window.  Inside can be seen  REESE WITHERSPOON and RYAN PHILIPPE.

THOMAS

(whispering)

Oops, this is the wrong trailer.  Looks like Reese Witherspoon and her main squeeze Ryan Philippe.  Must be the next one over.  Oh, here comes Ryan now.

PHILIPPE

(approaching)

What the (beep) are you doing spying on us!  You son of a bitch!

SMASH CUT TO:  STATIC.

BACKLOT, ELSEWHERE.

HEWITT is sitting on steps with LEONARDO DICAPRIO and JAKOB DYLAN.  HEWITT is on the verge of crying.

DICAPRIO

Who would kill him?  I'm going to have to get another lizard!

HEWITT

I mean:  what's wrong with me?  Why is she so mean to me?

DYLAN

I know how you feel.  That Manson guy seems only interested in my dad.  I mean:  I try to talk about my own music, and he suddenly looks bored.  It's as if he doesn't really respect me as the artist and person I am.  And that Manson chick stops talking and giggles any time I come near her.

DICAPRIO

I think it's like, you know, some of them did like a lot of films they think are so much better.  Like that chick who played Wednesday, she did all these movies no one's ever heard of, and she thinks she can look down at me even though I broke all these box-office records with Titanic.

HEWITT

Oh, Leo, you really shined in that movie.  I cried from the first twenty minutes on.  Chris really is so mean to you.  Why did I sign up for a movie where I'm supposed to kiss her?

DICAPRIO

Did you complain to Joel?

HEWITT

He said to go behind some bushes and practice with her.

DYLAN

I heard Chris was the one who poisoned the egg salad.

HEWITT

You think she's the one who waxed the toilet seats?

DYLAN

I told you to take the roller skates off first.

DICAPRIO

I mean, I've been talking to George Lucas about being in the second film!  I'm going to Thailand after this film, and you know they'll be lining up to be with me!  And what does she say?  "You were decent in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? because you really are an idiot!"  (Beep) her!  I was singing "Egg Man" last week, and I think she was the one who did it to me.  Just because I hit her on the head with a Twizzler...

DYLAN

And what's up with that guy from Home Improvement?

HEWITT

He broke into my trailer and attacked me with a squirt gun today.

DYLAN

We can't tolerate that.  Let's get that bastard.  We'll , like, avenge your honor.

DICAPRIO

Is that him over there?

DYLAN

Hey!  Grunt kid!

HEWITT

Get him!

DICAPRIO

Stop, in the name of Love!

DYLAN and DICAPRIO run towards the camera, which promptly turns around and moves quickly in the other direction.

BACKLOT, ELSEWHERE.

DICAPRIO

(singsong)

Johnny, oh Johnny!  Where are you?

THOMAS

(out of view)

What do you want, Leo?

DICAPRIO

Oh, there you are.  I'm not happy about being taped.

THOMAS

(out of view)

I'm merely trying to create an accurate record of this production so we may look back upon it and comprehend its genesis in full historical context.

DICAPRIO

Huh?

THOMAS

(out of view)

Set the record straight.  Tell me about your part in this movie.

DICAPRIO

Oh, OK.  Just tell you about me playing Jesse, and all the cool stuff about this.

THOMAS

(out of view)

That's right.  Do you identify yourself with this character?  Is Jesse at all like you?

DICAPRIO

No.  I'm like completely different from him.

THOMAS

(out of view)

You're not at all like the walking coat-rack you portray?

DICAPRIO

I'm not a walking coat-rack.  You see, I'm not concerned about all the glory that comes with being a big star.  I really am into the whole acting thing, about getting a chance to act.

THOMAS

(out of view)

Hmmm.  Your character doesn't seem to have much to do in this film, much lighter than your previous efforts.  How does that make you feel?

DICAPRIO

Well, he does do stuff.  It just bugs me that my agent said I should take this, after what I've done before.  I mean, I was in Titanic!

THOMAS

(out of view)

And yet, with all that talent, you were somehow overlooked when it came to Oscar nominations for that film.

DICAPRIO

Bastards.

THOMAS

(out of view)

Good for you standing up for yourself.  Are you enjoying the role otherwise?

DICAPRIO

Yeah.  I get to play this guy who plays in a band, and that's cool.  Girls like that kind of stuff.  That's why I wanted to be an actor, so I could be cool and all the girls would see me.  And, like, I get to hang with some hot babes.  You know, that Denise Richards is hot.

THOMAS

(out of view)

I see your predilection for the supermodel type continues unabated.

DICAPRIO

Huh?

THOMAS

(out of view)

Never mind.  What about Keri Russell?  How is it working with her?

DICAPRIO

She's OK, but not as hot as Denise.

THOMAS

(out of view)

What about the ones in the scenes you're most often with?

DICAPRIO

Well, what can I say?  It's Love Hewitt.

THOMAS

(out of view)

I think that may sum things up about her.  How about Chris Ricci?

DICAPRIO

She looks OK.  But she's such a bitch at times.

THOMAS

(out of view)

What do you mean?

DICAPRIO

Well, she really, you know, talks like some kind of bad ass or something, treats me like I'm not cool enough.  I mean, I was in Titanic!  It's like this one time, I was in this restaurant, and the girls there ignored me.  It was so annoying.  And Chris, she's like, let me show you.

THOMAS

(out of view)

Another one of your imitations?

RICCI appears in the background out of DICAPRIO's view.

DICAPRIO

It's my passion in life.

(poses overbearingly with one hand as if holding a cigarette, imitating RICCI)

How did I end up in this stupid piece of teen crap?  Next time I'm going to get a better look at the script first.  This thing will be going straight to video.  I can't stand half these people.  Everyone around here sucks, it's so awful.  The writer should die.  Joel Schumacher, blah blah blah, "It's my picture!"  Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a jerk...

THOMAS

(out of view)

She didn't say that, Leo.

DICAPRIO

She says stuff like that about everyone else.  I've never seen such a stuck-up little bitch before.

RICCI

Speak for yourself, you skinny weirdo.

DICAPRIO

(looking back)

Oh, (beep)!

(exits very quickly)

CUT TO:  CAMERA.

The view of the camcorder is  completely filled with the face of ALYSON HANNIGAN.

HANNIGAN

Hello?  Is this thing on?  I hope so.  This is Alyson Hannigan, who many of you will recognize from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and American Pie.  I've borrowed this camera from Jonathan Taylor Thomas, so this should be a nice surprise at the wrap party when he thinks we're all going to see Robin Williams during a sugar high.  Let's talk with a few people who Johnny hasn't talked to yet.

CUT TO:  BACKLOT.

KERI RUSSELL, DENISE RICHARDS, and REESE WITHERSPOON can be seen sitting in front of a trailer.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

We are here with Keri Russell, Denise Richards, and Reese Witherspoon.  Keri, of course, stars on WB's Felicity, same as Buffy but not as good a night, Denise will soon be in the next Bond film, The World Is Not Enough, and  Reese has been in such films as Freeway, Election, and Fear.  I'd like to start the discussion with the atmosphere on the set.  Keri, how do you get along with the rest of the cast?

RUSSELL

Actually, I'm, uh, OK.  Not OK, I just get all nervous.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

Nervous?

RUSSELL

It's hard to relate to some of them.  Most actors are just so sad, you know.  They have no life outside of show business.  A lot of them define their self-worth by whether they win awards or are on talk shows or magazine covers, and those aren't things which make you feel good.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

And which of our cast do you feel are the saddest?

WITHERSPOON

Come on!  That's not a fair question.  A lot of these people have let it go to their heads.  They could deny it to the moon but they're still suckered in.  Take Leo, for instance.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

What's he done now?

WITHERSPOON

Yesterday he went around snapping people's bras and laughing at them.

RICHARDS

Jerk.

RUSSELL

I'm glad I wasn't there.  Has he been seen near my car?

WITHERSPOON

I don't know.  Why?

RUSSELL

Someone mangled the antenna.

WITHERSPOON

Maybe you should have your boyfriend Tony come down and rough him up.

RUSSELL

I could go for that.

RICHARDS

That and the other childish, stupid things he does.  And half the time he comes in looking like crap because he's been out partying the night before.  Thank God I'm not in many scenes with him.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

So this is not exactly a happy set.

WITHERSPOON

I've had better.

RICHARDS

This set blows.  The producers must die.

RUSSELL

And my agent.  OK, I've done movies I'm not exactly proud of, but they picked some real weirdoes to work on this one.  And Joel seemed so nice early on.

WITHERSPOON

He's breaking under the pressure.  Too many people are being vocal in their irritation.  And then there's Love Hewitt, who I don't even want to start on.

RICHARDS

Excuse me, I'm already sick from hearing that name.

(exits)

CUT TO:  BACK LOT.

A trailer is in view.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

OK, here's the scoop Johnny didn't know to get.  As everyone knows, Love has dated a lot of people.  What is not well known to those who don't read the National Inquirer regularly is one of those people is also working on this film.  We are now looking at Love's trailer.  I just had a friend make a call to Love telling her she's needed on the set immediately.  We all know how she hates to disappoint Joel Schumacher. Let's see what happens.

(beat)

I guess I shouldn't have made fun of Johnny over the egg salad incident.  If only--

HEWITT emerges from the trailer, looking slightly mussed-up.  She turns, kisses JOEY LAWRENCE, who sticks his face out of the trailer.

LAWRENCE

Whoa!

HEWITT

Don't go.  I'll be back soon.

HEWITT exits and LAWRENCE returns to the trailer.

HANNIGAN

(out of view)

And now the only question is whether to send Carson Daly a copy now or wait for the wrap party.

CUT TO:  RICCI IN HER DIRECTOR'S CHAIR.

RICCI

And now you know the secrets of Daria,the movie.  But, before we go, let's see one more clip.

CUT TO:  BACKLOT.

Schumacher is walking around grumbling.

SCHUMACHER

Those stupid actors, driving me crazy.  I'm going to have to strangle some of them.

CONFESSION OF BARRY ESHKOL ADELMAN

Yes, I helped write this thing.  No, none of it is real, and these events did not happen.  We are not trying to suggest any of this stuff is real, just idly speculate what would happen behind the scenes if the "movie" had been made.  The material is based on published quotes and stories in print and on-line, though there were enough gaps in the information that a lot of extrapolation and guesswork had to be done.  The least guessing had to be done for Leonardo DiCaprio, whose real-life exploits (as reported on-line and in print) rival anything we could make up.  I get the distinct impression that Leonardo DiCaprio is oblivious to how bad he has made himself look in public.  Next in line for that dubious honor was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who also has done and said some pretty odd things in public.  (Hint:  If you are shallow, impulsive, or egocentric, don't blatantly advertise these facts.)  Other people had little material available and there may be little or no resemblance between what appears here and the real person.  To those who are properly drawing a line between public and private life because they are not so attention-hungry or foolish, I have only one thing to say:  Bravo!  It's refreshing not to hear details of the lives of people which do not qualify as news, especially people I really would not like to meet in real life.  Some parts of this work are nearly pure fiction.  There is no evidence, for example, as far as I know, that Jennifer Love Hewitt cheated on Carson Daly with Joey Lawrence (though she did apparently date him at some point), that Jennifer Love Hewitt would flip out over a lesbian kiss, that Christina Ricci would be so outright nasty to people who irritate her (though one article suggested something similar), that Joel Schumacher would mumble nasty things, that Jonathan Taylor Thomas would go on a rampage of spying, pranks, lechery, and mischief, that Melissa Joan Hart particularly cares for egg salad, that Melissa Joan Hart appeared in Maxim due to a suggestion by Rose McGowan, that Jennifer Love Hewitt is afraid of snakes, that Christina Ricci would try to lecture a fellow actor over a lack of performance quality, that Marilyn Manson would even speak to Jakob Dylan, or that Mark Wahlberg has ever committed furbicide.  In general, don't rely on anything in this to have the slightest resemblance to reality, though it may or certainly does in several places.  All this was written in the name of parody (celebrities often reveal they are short of perfect when they are without a script) and no libel or defamation was intended.  Please don't sue, we have no money.

CONFESSION OF AARON SOLOMON (BEN SAUL JOSEPH) ADELMAN

As I was with Daria (the movie), I confess to have come up with the concept for this work of fan-fiction and to have started writing it, though Barry contributed proportionally more to this work than to Daria (the movie).  This "special" was inspired by "Behind the Glasses"  (edited by John Berry) and "Behind the Glasses II" (edited by Canadibrit), in which alleged bloopers for Daria fan-fiction are presented.  As Daria (the movie) occurs in a parallel universe (or whatever you want to call it), it was natural to draw upon Lewis Carroll and dub its blooper special "Behind the Looking Glasses".  Unlike Daria (the movie), this work does not draw at all on other people's fan-fiction.  Instead, Barry and I had to draw on the observed and reported behavior of the celebrities who appear herein.  Robin Williams was easy enough; he's improvised enough on TV.  Accounts of on-the-set behavior of Kate Mulgrew and Leonardo DiCaprio were available on the Net.  The behavior of Christina Ricci, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Alyson Hannigan was reverse-engineered from interviews.  A lot of other celebrities' behavior, especially Joel Schumacher's, was written as we though appropriate for this work.  I apologize for any detrimental effect this work may have on the persons represented herein (however unlikely that may be) and ask them to take into account the circumstances surrounding its genesis:  an ongoing parody of modern movie-making practices, particularly the use of writers who cannot write, directors who cannot direct, producers who cannot produce, actors who cannot act, and, worst of all, a few competent people who get sucked into such Hell-holes and have to cope somehow.  You've read the alleged rumors of what would happen in such a movie were made based on Daria (the animated series) in the Unofficial Daria Movie Rumor Page.  You've read the script that would be written in such a case by a writer who cannot write.  You've seen the pictures allegedly taken from such a disastrous film itself.  This is just how the actors would fowl up in front of the camera and what would happen off-camera.