“BLACKOUT”
still yet another Daria fanfic
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
1 DARIA’S POINT OF VIEW: FUZZY GRAYNESS.
This sharply materializes into TRENT’s sleeping face, framed by DARIA’s glasses. On the right side of the shot is the pillow TRENT’s head is resting on. An electric overhead light is on on the left side of the shot.
DARIA
(thought only)
How did this happen?
2 CUT TO: FROM ABOVE TRENT’S BED.
TRENT is on the left side of the bed and sleeping on his left side. DARIA is on the right side of the bed and laying on her right side. Both are covered by a common blanket with only their heads sticking out. The room looks even messier than usual, with TRENT and DARIA’s clothes scattered all over the place and paint all over the floor on the left side of the room.
DARIA
(feeling herself under the covers; thought only)
I’m naked, and I’m in bed with Trent. I have no idea how this happened. And I have a headache.
(beat)
Don’t panic.
(beat)
What the Hell. I’m just thinking anyway. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(beat)
Doesn’t have the same effect when only thought.
(beat)
First thing I have to do: get out of bed and try not to wake up Trent in the process, because if I do wake him up, I’m going to have to kill myself.
(beat)
Come to think of it, Trent could sleep through a car accident. So let’s just worry about getting out of bed...
3 RIGHT OUTSIDE TRENT’S ROOM.
JESSE is slumped on the floor facing the door, and painted on the back of his jacket are the words “MINE MINE MINE”. Enter DARIA from TRENT’s room, barefoot and holding her boots in her left hand. She jumps when he groans a bit, but recovers her composure when he shows no sign of consciousness.
4 RIGHT OUTSIDE JANE’S ROOM.
JANE peeks outside the door, then quickly exits it and closes it as DARIA, now wearing her boots, walks up.
JANE
(looking really guilty)
Hi, Daria!
DARIA
Hey. Can I talk to you about something important?
JANE
Uh, sure.
(blocks door as DARIA steps forward)
But not in here!
DARIA
Why?
JANE
Uh, there’s broken glass all over the place in there, really bad.
DARIA
OK...
JANE
How about the kitchen?
DARIA
Fine. Anywhere not near Trent...
5 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, KITCHEN.
Enter JANE and DARIA, who sit down at the table.
DARIA
I don’t feel right telling you this, but I can’t confide in my parents or Quinn, and you just might be able to explain how it happened.
(beat)
I woke up naked in bed with your brother.
JANE
Well, you did want to get closer to him.
(beat)
So, how was he?
DARIA
And I don’t remember how it happened.
JANE
I know what you mean. I remember that we were walking home.
DARIA
Yes. You insisted on demonstrating that microcassette recorder you got for your birthday.
JANE
Thank God that Wind’s third wife has no idea when my birthday is. And then it started to rain, and there was thunder and lightning.
DARIA
Yes.
JANE
So we went to my house, ’cause it was closer.
DARIA
Correct.
JANE
And we lost power, and there was something about twiddly-winks—
DARIA
Twiddly-winks?
JANE
Being played for money. And pizza and punch.
DARIA
I don’t remember that at all.
JANE
And I don’t remember anything after that myself until I woke up and found at least a dozen new paintings, most of which look like they were created by a schizophrenic.
Enter TRENT in shorts and a T-shirt.
TRENT
Hey, Janey. Hi, Daria.
DARIA
(surprised)
Trent!
JANE
Trent, what are you doing up this early? It’s only
(checks watch)
ten o’clock.
TRENT
(shrugs)
I don’t know. I feel unusually relaxed.
(to DARIA, as she grows progressively redder)
I had a great time last night. That was an awesome, spiritual experience that took me to heights of pleasure I didn’t know existed. I can’t remember when I had a better time with anyone, felt closer to anyone before, and I hope we can do it again sometime.
DARIA
I’m
(beat)
touched.
(beat)
Would you excuse Jane and me for a minute? It’s...
JANE
Girl stuff.
DARIA
Yeah, girl stuff.
TRENT
(puzzled)
Sure.
DARIA grabs JANE by the hand and drags her out of the room.
6 EXT. LANE HOUSE, FRONT DOORSTEP.
DARIA and JANE exit the house through the front door.
JANE
Wow! You really did sleep with him.
DARIA
Jane!
JANE
Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, it’s not like he’s promiscuous or anything like that, so you probably didn’t catch anything from him.
DARIA
Yeah, but that’s not the worst of it. I also couldn’t find my underwear.
JANE
No wonder you look jiggly this morning.
DARIA
(glaring at JANE)
This is not what I need: to have done it with Trent under the influence and have no recollection of it at all.
JANE
OK, so it’s not ideal, but look on the bright side: you have him right where you want him! You want him; you know he wants you. Run with it, for God’s sake!
DARIA
Well... maybe you’re right.
JANE
So don’t worry! As long as you’re not pregnant—
DARIA
Are you trying to jinx me?
JANE
You were bound to carry his baby sooner or later anyway.
DARIA
This is not a good time in my life to be pregnant.
JANE
Don’t worry! The chances that you’re pregnant from doing it just one time are pretty small. If you’re really worried, you could always take a morning-after pill.
DARIA
Those require a prescription, Jane. Which means I have to tell my parents, which means they’re going to kill me.
JANE
Man, you are screwed.
DARIA gives JANE a dirty look.
DARIA
You’re telling me? If I go to my parents telling them I need to see a doctor to get a prescription for a morning-after pill, they’re going to freak out. Aw, Hell, Quinn’s going to freak out; the last thing she wants is for our parents to worry that we’ve been doing it with anyone. I doubt they’ve retained their 60s attitude towards premarital sex. And if I don’t tell them now, seeing how you’ve jinxed me, they’ll figure it out in a few months. That’ll go over really well.
JANE
So, what are you going to do?
DARIA
(sighs)
I’m going to have to tell them. Better I be honest with them now than have Mom kill me later when Quinn starts making fun of me for gaining weight.
JANE
Damn! I was so looking forward to being the maid of honor at your shotgun wedding.
DARIA
Do not make me tell Tom about what you painted on Jesse’s back last night. You told me you were over Jesse months ago.
JANE
Uh-oh...
7 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOME, LIVING ROOM.
Enter DARIA through the front door.
DARIA
I’m home.
HELEN
(off-screen)
We’re in the kitchen!
8 INT. THE KITCHEN.
JAKE, HELEN, and QUINN are eating brunch. Enter DARIA.
DARIA
Hi, guys.
others
(asynchronously)
Hi.
DARIA
Uh, Quinn, could I speak to Mom and Dad for a while... in private?
QUINN
Why?
DARIA
This is serious.
QUINN
(seeing no signs of sarcasm)
Uh, yeah.
(exits)
HELEN
(as DARIA sits down)
Is something wrong?
DARIA
It’s about something that happened last night during the storm. When the power went out, Jane and I went down into the basement with Trent and Jesse, and we played twiddly winks by candlelight and ate pizza. And then...
(has trouble continuing, takes a deep breath)
it dawned on me that if it were a serious natural disaster, I might not ever see you again, and that I would never have another chance to tell you two that I love you.
(tries faking crying)
JAKE
I’m so glad that after so much time you’re finally sharing your feelings with us, kiddo! I love you, too, Daria!
(cries)
HELEN
What your father means is—Jake, were you actually paying attention to what Daria just said?
JAKE
I’ve been trying so hard!
9 INT. DARIA’S ROOM.
Enter DARIA, who sits down on the bed, picks up the phone, and dials.
10 SWITCH TO: SPLIT SCREEN OF DARIA AND JANE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE ROOMS.
JANE
(answers phone)
Yo.
DARIA
It’s me, and I’m in real trouble now.
JANE
Did your mom freak out?
DARIA
Worse. I’m freaked out now.
JANE
What? Was she supportive and understanding?
DARIA
No.
(sighs)
I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I chickened out at the last moment and concocted some story about realizing how much I love them. Even worse, my dad was listening for once. I barely got out of there with nothing worse than a few hugs.
JANE
There goes the morning-after pill. What are you going to do now?
DARIA
Pray?
11 INT. THE ZEN, STAGE.
Mystik Spiral is up on stage playing “Behind My Eyelids”. TRENT is looking admiringly at DARIA.
12 CUT TO: DARIA AND JANE IN THE AUDIENCE.
DARIA
I can’t believe I let you drag me here.
JANE
Oh, come on, Daria. There’s nothing for you to be moping about.
DARIA
Yeah, considering that your brother probably got me pregnant, I have nothing to worry about. I’m counting on you to handle baby-sitting duties.
JANE
You’re just nervous. If you’d calm down, you’d be able to keep some food in your stomach.
(beat)
Trent can’t stop looking at you.
DARIA
I didn’t notice.
JANE
That’s because you’re trying not to look at him, you sly one, playing hard-to-get.
DARIA
Yeah, yeah. You want to know what else is bugging me? I’m feeling sick in the morning.
JANE
That’s just from worrying. Having to go to Lawndale High will do that to anyone.
DARIA
And I missed my period.
JANE
You’re probably just late. Or else it was something in that punch we drank that gave us all amnesia.
DARIA
(reluctantly)
Maybe.
13 PAN OVER TO: MONIQUE, who is standing near DARIA and JANE.
MONIQUE, holding a drink, looks upset. She gulps down the drink and storms out.
14 PAN BACK OVER TO: DARIA AND JANE.
DARIA
What was in that punch, anyway?
JANE
Ah. I twisted Jesse’s arm and got him to confess to having put vodka in the punch for use as a pick-me-up during practice.
DARIA
Let me guess: he completely forgot about it.
JANE
Exactly.
15 EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, ENTRANCE.
MONIQUE, displeased, stands with her arms folded by the front door. As the bell rings, she grabs the first person who comes out the front door, who happens to be UPCHUCK, and pulls him into the bushes.
UPCHUCK
Please, babe, I’m flattered, but I’m just not interested.
MONIQUE
What?
UPCHUCK
You’re too
(beat)
disgusting. Even the lovely Daria, who tries so hard to hide to hide her beauty, cleans herself and dresses better than that.
MONIQUE
(tightening her grip on UPCHUCK)
Listen here, you freckled troll! I’m not interested in you. I need to get dirt on Daria.
UPCHUCK
She’s not particularly interested in me, so I can’t get near her, no matter how hard I try—
MONIQUE
Then who can get near her, and where are they?
UPCHUCK
(feeling threatened)
The Fashion Club. Her sister’s in the Fashion Club, and they hate each other. They hang out at Cashman’s whenever they can.
MONIQUE
(releases UPCHUCK)
Very good. I may just let you live
(beat)
assuming that you keep quiet...
16 INT. CASHMAN’S.
SANDI and STACY are trying on outfits. TIFFANY comes out of a dressing room.
TIFFANY
Does this make me look fat?
SANDI
(tired of TIFFANY’s obsession on this problem)
Of course not, Tiffany.
(beat)
What’s taking Quinn so long? It doesn’t take so long to go to the bathroom.
17 INT. LAWNDALE COMMONS, WOMEN’S RESTROOM, MIRROR’S POINT OF VIEW.
QUINN comes out of a stall and washes her hands. After drying her hands, she checks her appearance in the mirror. MONIQUE approaches behind her.
MONIQUE
Are you Quinn Morgendorffer?
18 INT. WOMEN’S RESTROOM.
QUINN
(turning around)
Yes, and I’m glad you felt you could come to me for help with your fashion problems.
MONIQUE
I’m not here for advice. I’m here for information on Daria Morgendorffer.
QUINN starts to look nervous.
QUINN
Why?
MONIQUE
I need a spy who can find out secrets about her.
QUINN
I don’t see the point of helping you. I’ve got better things to do than spy on her. That’s just plain mean.
MONIQUE
We’re talking about the monster that stole my boyfriend, and I need confirmation of what she did to do that. You wouldn’t want her to steal away yours; would you?
QUINN
(very nervous)
And what did you think she did?
MONIQUE
She’s been sleeping with him. I overheard her and Jane Lane in the Zen talking, and she’s worried that she might be pregnant.
QUINN
Uh...
MONIQUE
What do you know about this?
QUINN
(unconvincing)
Nothing; absolutely nothing.
MONIQUE
(picking up QUINN and shoving her against the wall)
Listen, twerp. You even think of lying to me and—
QUINN
Daria had this big crush on Trent and she found out he was dating you and she was devastated so I encouraged her to go after him anyway but I didn’t think she’d do anything as drastic as sleeping with him; I really didn’t. I just thought she’d try to get him to ask her out. Please don’t kill me! I’ll do anything you want!
MONIQUE
(raises eyebrow)
Anything?
19 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, TRENT’S ROOM.
TRENT is looking for his socks.
TRENT
Now if I was a sock, where would I be in this mess?
(looks under a pile of CDs)
Nope.
(looks under some stray clothes)
Nope.
(looks under his bed)
Hey! These aren’t mine!
20 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, THE HALLWAY RIGHT OUTSIDE JANE’S ROOM.
TRENT walks up to the door holding a paper bag.
TRENT
(notices a note attached to the door of JANE’s room)
What’s this?
21 CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF THE NOTE: “WENT RUNNING. STAY OUT. LOTS OF BROKEN GLASS ALL OVER THE FLOOR. JANE.”
22 CUT TO: TRENT.
TRENT
I guess it won’t hurt to just drop these off right inside the door.
23 INT. RIGHT INSIDE JANE’S ROOM, SHOT OF THE DOOR.
The door opens, revealing TRENT. TRENT’s eyes open wide in surprise, and he falls backwards in shock.
24 EXT. JESSE’S HOUSE.
TRENT drives up in his car and parks. TRENT exits his car, walks up to the front door and knocks. A moment later the door opens, revealing JESSE.
JESSE
Hey.
TRENT
Hey. Jesse, I’ve got to talk to you.
JESSE
Sure. Come in.
TRENT enters.
25 INT. JESSE’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
JESSE is sitting in a rocking chair, while TRENT sits on a sofa with his head in his hands.
JESSE
You wanted to say something?
TRENT
I don’t know where to begin.
JESSE
The beginning?
TRENT
You know how I feel about Daria?
JESSE
Yeah.
TRENT
I’ve tried to tell her how I feel dozens of times. I know she feels something for me, and I have to say something to her about it, but my tongue insists on changing the subject. I’ve tried to write songs to sing to her, but I keep drawing a blank.
JESSE
And?
TRENT
Do you remember what happened the night of the blackout after the song brainstorming session?
JESSE
A brainstorming session? Cool!
TRENT
(irritated)
Yes. Right after the pizza and punch.
JESSE
Oh, yeah. I owe Daria a million bucks from that game of twiddly winks.
TRENT
After the pizza and punch!
JESSE
I blacked out and woke up with “mine mine mine” painted on the back of my vest.
TRENT
I woke up naked in bed.
JESSE
(oblivious to the significance)
So?
TRENT
My clothes were scattered all over the place.
JESSE
So?
TRENT
This morning I found someone else’s clothes in my room, too. Female clothes.
JESSE
Jane’s, maybe?
TRENT
At first I thought they were Janey’s, so I took them over to Janey’s room. Guess what was in her room.
JESSE
(brightening up as much as possible for him)
A painting of me?
TRENT
(looks very displeased)
No. A painting of Daria.
JESSE
So?
TRENT
Naked. On my bed.
JESSE
You sure, man?
TRENT
I know what Daria and my bed look like!
JESSE
So we all got drunk, and Jane made something up.
TRENT
I checked that. I forced myself to look in Janey’s underwear drawer.
(shudders)
Those female clothes I found, they’re the wrong size for her. That means they’re probably Daria’s.
JESSE
So?
TRENT
So? That painting may have really been done from life! And if I was naked in my bed, and Daria was naked in my bed, then—Oh, God! Seeing as neither of us can remember what happened after the pizza, can you really tell me that nothing could have happened?
JESSE
You sure, man? Maybe the painting’s just made up. Maybe the clothes are your mom’s or Summer’s or Penny’s.
TRENT
Well, things do get lost in my house, sometimes for years.
JESSE
Yeah. Just wait and see what happens.
TRENT
You’re right, Jess. Thanks, man. I knew I could count on you to help straighten me out.
(beat)
Better get going. Gotta lot of sleep to catch up on. See you.
(leaves)
JESSE
Take care.
26 RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE LANE HOUSE.
DARIA and JANE approach on the sidewalk.
JANE
Uh, why don’t we go to your house today?
DARIA
Is there something at your house you don’t want me to see?
JANE
(nervously)
No. What makes you say that?
DARIA
(stopping)
You suggested it yesterday, accompanied by an urgent plea to study the mysteries of my cheese model.
JANE
But there’s so much meaning packed into that single piece of plastic!
DARIA
Uh, yeah.
(starts walking towards the Lane house)
JANE
(following)
But we’re fumigating the house!
DARIA
You would have told me that earlier...
27 THE LANE HOUSE, RIGHT OUTSIDE JANE’S ROOM.
DARIA approaches, followed closely by JANE.
JANE
Please! Don’t go in there! I broke a lot of pottery in there!
DARIA
My combat boots will protect me.
JANE
But there are roaches, huge ones!
DARIA
(sarcastically)
Ooh! I’m scared.
28 CUT TO: RIGHT INSIDE JANE’S ROOM, FACING THE DOOR.
The door opens, revealing DARIA and JANE.
DARIA
Jane,
(beat)
why is there a nude portrait of me in your room?
JANE
Uh, it’s the type of thing every great artist produces at one time or another, the fruit of a fertile imagination?
DARIA
(steps closer to painting)
Since when did I show you that birthmark?
JANE
I’m sorry! I was as drunk as you were. Apparently Trent wasn’t the only one you did something with that night.
DARIA
Yeah...
(beat)
I can see that this would be something that artists would love. It is almost photo-realistic. Probably the best thing you’ve ever painted. But, damn it! Why haven’t you hidden this thing away?
JANE
Er, um...
DARIA
Let me guess: because it’s so good.
JANE
(sighs)
Yeah.
DARIA
Listen: I won’t make you get rid of it. But, for God’s sake, put it in your attic or something! Do you know what would happen if my parents found out about this? It would probably be almost as bad as what they would do if they found out about what happened between me and Trent.
JANE
OK, OK. I’ll go find some brown paper and put it in the attic.
DARIA
Good.
29 INT. A BAR.
TRENT has been drinking way too much, while JESSE is sober and is arguing with him.
TRENT
I’m a loser. I’ve always been a loser. I did badly in school. I’ve never been a good musician. I can’t write lyrics worth anything. Worst of all, I’ve never been able to tell Daria how I really feel about her.
JESSE
Don’t be hard on yourself, man.
TRENT
But no more!
(slams his mug down on the bar)
JESSE
Don’t do anything rash, man.
TRENT
I’m going to go over to her house and propose to her!
JESSE
Why?
TRENT
The facts are she and I were naked in my bed, and now she’s avoiding me like the plague. Any time I get near her now, she has to run to the bathroom. I can’t see any other reasonable explanation other than she’s pregnant.
JESSE
Stomach flu?
TRENT
Shut up, man! I know what happened, and I’m going to do the right thing!
JESSE
But you’re drunk.
TRENT
So what? My thoughts have never been clearer!
JESSE
You think she’d accept from somebody drunk?
TRENT
I need to be intoxicated! If I’m not drunk, I’ll just chicken out, just like every other time I’ve tried to tell Daria how I feel about her!
(storms out of the bar)
JESSE
(following)
You can’t go like this, man.
30 CUT TO: EXT. THE BAR.
TRENT
Well, who’s going to stop me?
JESSE
I am.
TRENT slugs JESSE. The two fight for a while. JESSE ends up victorious and carries away an unconscious TRENT.
31 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOME, LIVING ROOM.
QUINN is sitting on the sofa, leafing through an issue of Waif, but her mind is clearly on something else. Enter DARIA through the front door, looking a bit perturbed.
QUINN
Daria? Are you OK?
DARIA
I’m not dead, so I guess the answer is “no”.
QUINN
Come on, Daria. I can see something’s wrong with you. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?
DARIA
Since when did I confide in you?
QUINN
Hey! I was there for you when you found out about Trent and Monique. I was there for you when Trent and Jane and the band got arrested, and we had to go bail them out of jail. And I was there for you when—
DARIA
Yeah, yeah.
(sits down next to QUINN)
You really want to know what’s bothering me? I’ll tell you: you know about the other night, when I was stuck at Jane’s during a thunderstorm?
QUINN
(uneasy)
Yes.
DARIA
Jane, Trent, Jesse, and I all got accidentally drunk.
QUINN
Who’s Jesse?
DARIA
Rhythm guitar in Mystik Spiral. Doesn’t own any shirts, and doesn’t speak much.
QUINN
I don’t think I’ve met him.
DARIA
Anyway, under the influence, I slept with Trent, and—
QUINN
Oh my god! Mom and Dad are going to freak when they find out!
DARIA
Who’s going to tell them, sis?
QUINN
(swallows)
I won’t. I promise.
DARIA
Good. But that’s not the problem I’m trying to get over.
QUINN
It’s not?
DARIA
In that state of intoxication, Jane painted a picture of me—nude.
QUINN
(gasps)
Oh my god!
DARIA
Tell me about it. I’d have a harder time justifying that to our parents. I had Jane put it away in her attic, wrapped in brown paper, so people don’t accidentally see it.
QUINN
You’re not just telling me this to see if I’m gullible enough to believe it?
DARIA
As much as I hate to admit it, you’ve gotten a lot better on this sisterly thing recently. I know I can trust you to keep quiet.
32 SMASH CUT TO: THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM AT THE MALL.
MONIQUE punches QUINN in the face. QUINN hits a wall and slumps to the floor.
MONIQUE
(approaching)
Now tell me what you know before you have a bruise on your face that doesn’t go with that outfit.
33 EXT. THE LANE HOUSE—NIGHT.
We follow MONIQUE as she slips around the house to the back. Finding the back door unlocked (yes, it still hasn’t been repaired), she opens it and enters.
34 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, KITCHEN.
The room is dark. TRENT’s playing can be heard from the basement. Seeing no one else, she sets about looking for the stairs to the attic.
35 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, ATTIC.
By the light of a single bulb, MONIQUE searches for the painting. Finally, she peeks into the brown paper wrapping of a painting sitting on top of a pile of boxes. She smiles.
36 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY.
It is dark. MONIQUE is coming down the stairs when a dark figure with a feminine voice speaks to her.
JANE
Jesse, stop right where you are.
MONIQUE halts in her tracks.
JANE
I told you: Daria’s not interested in you. She’s interested in Trent. And I really don’t think she’d want you to keep that painting, no matter how much you like it. So put it back where you found it before I kick your butt.
MONIQUE starts back up the stairs.
JANE
Boy’s too dense for his own good.
(walks away)
MONIQUE waits until JANE’s gone, then sneaks back down the stairs.
37 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, DARIA’S ROOM—NIGHT.
It is dark. DARIA is in bed. There is a knock on the door.
QUINN
(softly, out of view)
Daria?
DARIA
Not now. Bug me in the morning.
QUINN
It’s really important.
DARIA
Fine. Come in.
QUINN, her back to us, walks inside and turns on the light.
DARIA
(pulling the covers over her head)
You didn’t have to do that.
QUINN
Yes, I did. Please look at me.
DARIA
(pulls back the covers, then puts on her glasses)
When did that happen?
38 ROTATE CAMERA TO SHOW: QUINN, WITH A BLACK EYE, STANDING BEFORE DARIA.
QUINN
This afternoon, at the mall.
DARIA
You didn’t have a black eye when you came home.
QUINN
It’s called makeup. I got the black eye from Monique.
DARIA
(sitting up)
Monique? The woman with the nose ring?
QUINN
Yes. She overheard you talking to Jane at the Zen, about you being pregnant.
DARIA
I’m feeling better now. I’m probably not pregnant.
QUINN
Tell that to her. She knows you slept with Trent and wanted me to tell her anything I could she could use against you for “stealing” Trent away from her.
DARIA
You didn’t...
QUINN
I told her about the painting—
DARIA
Damn.
QUINN
—after she hit me. I’m sorry; I’m weak. I really didn’t want to tell her, honest.
DARIA
I’ll deal with you later.
(picks up the phone and dials)
At least you had enough integrity to tell me that you slipped up.
The phone rings. Someone picks up.
39 SPLIT SCREEN WITH: JANE, her room still dark.
JANE picks up the phone and mumbles something unintelligible into it.
DARIA
(into phone)
Jane, we’ve got a problem.
JANE
(very sleepy; into phone)
That’s nice, Jodie.
DARIA
(into phone)
Jane, this is Daria. Quinn just confessed to being beaten into revealing the painting’s existence after I confided in her.
JANE
(struggling to be more alert; into phone)
What?
DARIA
(into phone)
And it was Monique who hit her. Monique, as in takes-four-hours-to-break-up-with-because-she’s-extremely-possessive. You remember her?
JANE
(into phone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(beat)
Oh my god! Hold on!
(runs out of the room)
DARIA
(into phone)
Hello? Jane?
QUINN
What’s going on?
DARIA
I have a bad feeling about this.
JANE
(runs back into her room and picks up the phone)
It’s gone! The painting’s gone! I thought it was Jesse trying to take it earlier this evening, but it wasn’t. It must have been Monique!
DARIA
(into phone)
Damn.
40 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE.
DARIA and JANE are walking to school.
DARIA
Alright, so Monique has the painting, and she’s probably going to use it for blackmail. I still think simple breaking and entering is the best way to get it back. What’s your idea, Sherlock?
JANE
Well, we could crawl through the air ducts of her apartment building until we come to her apartment. Then we could let a fishing line with a hook on the end to catch the painting on, pull it back up, and go back the way we came.
DARIA
First of all, I’m not crawling through any vents unless I absolutely have to. Secondly, we might not fit in the air ducts. Thirdly, we don’t have a plan of the air ducts of her building. Fourthly, I don’t want to get stuck in an air duct.
JANE
Damn it! But my way is so cool!
DARIA
And impractical.
JANE
But I can’t pick locks.
DARIA
Well, I can.
JANE
But how are we going to make sure Monique doesn’t walk in on us?
DARIA
Um... I’ll think of something...
41 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY.
DARIA is taking books from her locker, while JANE bugs her.
DARIA
No.
JANE
But what’s wrong with using chloroform?
DARIA
For one thing, we don’t have any chloroform. For another, we don’t want to appear in public trying to drug someone.
JANE
OK, so how do we keep from getting caught by Monique?
DARIA
We’ll need a disguise so no one who sees us will connect the “crime” back to us.
JANE
(grins)
I can finally get you to wear makeup.
DARIA
And we need someone else to distract her while I break into her apartment.
JANE
I can do that.
DARIA
And we’ll need to get our hands on a car and a driver.
JANE
That would be Trent and that beat-up thing parked in front of my house.
DARIA
I’d rather it be someone not so obviously connected with me.
QUINN
(out of view)
Daria!
DARIA
Hmm. Somehow I think we have someone able to help.
JANE raises an eyebrow.
42 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING.
A girl who looks like a candidate to enter the Fashion Club (thin, red hair, red dress, sunglasses) is standing at the front of the building with a clipboard. Two weird-looking guys, PIGEON MAN and STUPID DUDE, approach, carrying their groceries.
fashionable girl
(Sandiesque, as PIGEON MAN and STUPID DUDE move to enter the building)
Excuse me, but would you two mind answering a few questions? I’m doing a science project on what people find funny.
PIGEON MAN
I’ve got better things to do.
fashionable girl
I just want to find out what you think about a few jokes about Lawndale High.
STUPID DUDE
Lawndale High? I hated it when I went there!
PIGEON MAN
Hmm. Fire away.
fashionable girl
How many teachers at Lawndale High does it take to change a light bulb? First, Mr. DiMartino throws a temper tantrum when the only light bulb in his classroom blows out...
43 INT. MONIQUE’S APARTMENT.
The place is very dark, but evidencing many heavy metal posters on the walls and disorganized furniture scattered about. A click is heard, and the front door opens, admitting a single female figure, the light level revealing little detail except that she has a long ponytail and is carrying a poster tube.
44 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING.
fashionable girl
(as PIGEON MAN looks on interested and STUPID DUDE giggles)
... and so Mrs. Bennett expresses surprise at there being no money budgeted for replacement light bulbs, and so Ms. Li decides to hold yet another fund raiser—
MONIQUE approaches.
STUPID DUDE
Hey, Monique! You’ve got to hear this joke!
MONIQUE
Why?
PIGEON MAN
It’s good. Eerily faithful to Lawndale High.
MONIQUE
That’s a place I never want to hear about again.
(moves to leave but the fashionable girl blocks her path)
fashionable girl
But this is for a science project.
MONIQUE
So?
fashionable girl
It’s for the good of humanity!
MONIQUE
Ugh! Alright. Tell me the joke.
fashionable girl
How many teachers at Lawndale High does it take to change a light bulb? First, Mr. DiMartino throws a temper tantrum when the only light bulb in his classroom blows out...
45 INT. MONIQUE’S APARTMENT.
The female figure moves around, searching.
46 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING.
fashionable girl
(with PIGEON MAN looking interested, STUPID DUDE giggling, and MONIQUE looking irritated)
... and so Ms. Barch goes on a tirade against all men, claiming that because of their cheapness they build shoddy light bulbs—
MONIQUE
Is this going to take much longer?
JANE
Just a few minutes. Where was I? And after much deliberation, Mr. O’Neill is saddled with the responsibility of saddling innocent students into working on the fund raiser...
47 INT. MONIQUE’S APARTMENT.
The female figure continues searching.
48 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING.
MONIQUE is getting impatient.
fashionable girl
... and so Ms. Morris tries to make him run five laps for his “insolent” behavior...
49 INT. MONIQUE’S APARTMENT.
The female figure finds the painting. She then opens the poster tube, slips the stolen painting inside, and closes it.
50 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING.
fashionable girl
... and then Ms. DeFoe, looking very nervous—
MONIQUE walks away.
fashionable girl
Hey! I’m not finished with the joke!
MONIQUE
Tough.
MONIQUE, reaching the entrance, encounters a Goth girl coming out: blond hair in a ponytail, leather clothes, red sneakers, nose-ring, overdone lipstick and mascara.
MONIQUE
(looking at the Goth, puzzled)
Do I know you?
Goth
(bad attitude)
I don’t think so. I’m just here looking for Arnold Agresti. I owe him a poster.
MONIQUE
He moved away about a month ago.
(beat)
Did you go to Alternapalooza?
Goth
Uh, yeah. What’s it to you?
MONIQUE
I think I saw you there.
(beat)
Weren’t you in one of the bands?
Goth
Yeah. Rotten Candy. I play the drums.
MONIQUE
You were great!
(beat)
My band, the Harpies, needs a new drummer. You interested in joining us?
Goth
Uh, no thanks. I don’t want to commute all the way to Lawndale just to practice.
MONIQUE
You can’t move?
Goth
Well, I have, uh, a significant other I don’t want to leave behind.
MONIQUE
Ah. A good boyfriend.
Goth
(blushing a bit)
Not exactly...
MONIQUE
A girlfriend?
Goth
Uh, yeah, I’m a lesbian.
MONIQUE
What’s her name?
Goth
(too quickly)
Jane Lane.
MONIQUE
(takes a good look at the Goth)
You’re Daria!
DARIA
(running away)
Oh, Hell!
JANE (AKA the fashionable girl)
(running away as well)
Damn! Damn! Damn!
STUPID DUDE
Aw! I wanted to hear the end of that joke.
MONIQUE gives STUPID DUDE a dirty look before she streaks off in pursuit of DARIA and JANE. We follow DARIA and JANE around the corner, MONIQUE hot on their heels. DARIA comes to a convertible, which has a misery chick in the driver’s seat, her hair black and her clothes gray. DARIA throws the poster tube in the back seat and jumps in the shotgun seat. JANE jumps in the back seat.
DARIA
Start the car, Quinn!
QUINN (AKA the misery chick), turning her head, lets out a groan and starts the car. The car pulls away from the curb just seconds before MONIQUE can reach it.
MONIQUE
Damn!
MONIQUE rushes over to a parked motorcycle, mounts it, starts it, and streaks off in pursuit.
51 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE.
The car driven by QUINN moves recklessly through traffic, MONIQUE closing in on it.
52 ZOOM IN ON: THE CAR.
JANE
(looking back)
She’s gaining on us!
QUINN
I’m going to smash the car if we keep going this fast. Jamie’s not going to like that!
DARIA
Damn!
(hits the dashboard)
The glove compartment pops open, revealing, among other things, a lighter and some cigarettes.
JANE
I never expected Jamie to be a smoker...
DARIA
Quinn! Turn left on Dega Street.
QUINN
Why?
DARIA
Just do it!
We follow the car as it turns left on Dega Street and pulls over to the curb in front of AXL’s piercing parlor. The three girls scramble out of the car, JANE carrying the poster tube, and enter AXL’s shop.
53 INT. AXL’S PIERCING PARLOR.
Enter JANE, DARIA, and QUINN.
DARIA
Axl! We need a bottle of disinfectant.
AXL
Do I know you?
JANE
Damn it! This is an emergency!
(grabs a bottle of disinfectant off the shelf)
AXL
Hey!
The three girls run out AXL’s back door as MONIQUE enters through the front door.
MONIQUE
Where did they go?
AXL
Hey, Monique.
MONIQUE
Where are they?
AXL
Who?
54 EXT. ALLEY BEHIND AXL’S SHOP.
JANE, DARIA, and QUINN burst into the alley. JANE tosses the poster tube on the ground and pours disinfectant on it, while DARIA produces JAMIE’s lighter.
QUINN
Are you sure this is going to work?
DARIA
This stuff is mostly alcohol.
DARIA sets the poster tube on fire just as MONIQUE enters the alley.
MONIQUE
(her eyes opening wide)
No!
QUINN
Should we run away now?
MONIQUE looks mad enough to break down a brick wall with her bare hands.
DARIA and JANE
Yes!
DARIA, JANE, and QUINN flee. MONIQUE pursues for a moment, but gives up, realizing she’s beaten. She jumps up and down in anger as the poster tube continues to burn.
55 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, TRENT’S ROOM.
DARIA is lying fully clothed on TRENT’s bed, posing. JANE is painting her portrait.
DARIA
Why did I let you talk me into this again?
JANE
Now that we’ve destroyed the original, I’m going to need a replacement for my art school application.
DARIA
Or you’re just desperate to recapture the greatness of your past success.
(beat)
Why haven’t you tried talking me into doing this naked?
JANE
You’re not stupid enough to let me talk you into it sober, and Jesse finished off the punch.
DARIA
That’s a relief.
Enter TRENT.
TRENT
Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.
DARIA
(eyes open wide; sits up on the bed; gulps)
Trent!
TRENT
(getting down on one knee)
Before I chicken out, Daria, I’d just like to say—
JANE
Hold it, you two! Before you do anything rash and stupid, I think you two ought to know that I finally found that microcassette recorder and discovered something very interesting on it.
TRENT
But—
JANE
Not another word, young man! Sit down!
TRENT reluctantly sits down next to DARIA.
JANE
(produces microcassette recorder)
Now I want you two to listen to this.
(clicks on recorder and puts it down on an end-table as it plays.
56 FADE TO: FLASHBACK OF TRENT’S ROOM, FUZZY AROUND THE EDGES.
Enter DARIA and JANE, both giggling and visibly drunk. JANE is carrying an easel, canvas, and painting supplies. DARIA soon moves out of view.
JANE
(puts down the easel and stuff, pulls out recorder, and speaks into it)
I just had... the greatest idea... of my entire artistic... life.
DARIA
(out of view, throwing her jacket into view)
And your last life... too. You were either an architect... or... a hippopotamus.
JANE
A full body (hick) portrait of Daria—nude.
DARIA
(out of view, throwing her boots into view)
Are you sure glasses... don’t count as clothes?
JANE
The glasses are you, Daria. You’d look too much like Quinn... if we left them out.
DARIA
(out of view, throwing her socks into view)
You’ve painted Quinn (hick) naked?
JANE
Later, Daria.
(moves recorder closer to mouth)
And of all the places... to depict her nude, the best place I can think of... to put her... is in Trent’s bed!
DARIA
(out of view, throwing her shirt into view)
What am I? The Venus of Ground... Zero?
JANE
Exactly! Seeing what it did... for Quinn, imagine what it’ll do for you!
DARIA
(out of view, throwing her skirt into view)
Oh! So that’s why Joey, Jeffy, (hick) and Jeffy won’t leave her alone.
JANE
Bingo!
DARIA
In that case, let’s get... this show on the road.
JANE
I think you have to remove your... underwear first.
38 FADE TO: SAME—LATER.
We can see that DARIA is reclining on TRENT’s bed, her back to us, only her left shoulder and the back of her head visible. JANE, facing us, puts the final brush-stroke on the canvas.
JANE
(clicks on recorder)
Voila! I, Jane Lane, artist extraordinary... and empress of New Jersey, have created my (hick) greatest masterpiece—no! Anyone’s greatest... masterpiece, “The Venus of Ground Zero”. Done in the most realistic style... possible with paint—and maybe crayons—it makes everything else... I’ve painted so far look like a Snoopy cartoon.
(beat)
Hey, Daria! Why don’t you come have a look-see?
DARIA snores.
JANE
Apparently the model for... “The Venus of Ground Zero” has... taken a nap, which (hick) many people take... as a sign that a great work of art is so great, infused as it is... with greatness.
Enter JESSE, lugging in TRENT, who is obviously unconscious.
JESSE
(sees the painting, loses his hold on TRENT, who drops to the floor)
Whoa.
JANE
Glad you like it, Tom.
(beat)
What brings you to Ground Zero?
JESSE
Er, uh, I dunno, Jane.
JANE
Hey! Isn’t that... Trent on the floor?
JESSE
(shrugs)
Maybe.
JANE
I just had a great idea, Tom! Let’s put him in bed... with Daria!
JESSE
Why?
JANE
Think of how he’ll react... when he wakes up! Better yet: think of how she’ll react when she wakes up!
JESSE
Cool!
(beat)
How will they react?
JANE
(elbows JESSE)
Just shut up, Tom, and help me get... Trent into bed with Daria.
(beat)
Maybe when we’re done, we’ll slip you into bed with me.
JESSE
I like it!
38 FADE TO: PRESENT.
DARIA
So we didn’t do it?
JANE
No.
TRENT
That’s a load off of my mind.
DARIA
Mine, too.
(beat)
Uh, Trent, what were you talking about the morning after the blackout?
TRENT
The brainstorming session.
DARIA
Brainstorming session?
TRENT
Yeah. We wrote the lyrics for four whole songs in the space of an hour, and I’m talking about songs a whole lot better than anything Mystik Spiral’s ever played on stage. You’re probably the best writer I’ve ever had the privilege to work with.
DARIA
Oh.
JANE
OK, I’m out of here.
DARIA
But, Jane—
JANE
(walking away)
No, no! You two obviously have some things to discuss. Don’t let me get in your way. I can finish “The Venus of Ground Zero II” another time.
(exits)
38 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
JANE is sitting on the sofa, reading a history book. (She has to do her schoolwork sometime.)
SUPER: THREE HOURS LATER.
Enter DARIA.
JANE
(jumping up)
So? How was he?
DARIA
We didn’t do it, Jane.
JANE
Then what were you two doing in there for three hours?
DARIA
(sighs)
More song-writing. And not much else.
JANE
Damn it, woman! You two are just meant for each other; you know that? You’re both too scared to go forward with this relationship.
DARIA
Yeah, you’re right. But what are you going to do about it? Handcuff us together and lock us in the basement?
(exits)
38 CLOSE UP ON: JANE’S FACE.
JANE wears an evil grin on her face. The screen fades to black as the violin theme from Psycho plays.
