Skip the usual opening theme and montage and proceed straight to:
1 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, GIRLS’ BATHROOM.
SUPER: LAWNDALE, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, HOME OF SEEMINGLY WAY TOO MANY STUPID PEOPLE
Enter DARIA MORGENDORFFER.
SUPER: DARIA MORGENDORFFER, BRILLIANT AND CYNICAL TEENAGER
DARIA, making sure that no one else is around, hides in one of the stalls.
2 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY.
QUINN MORGENDORFFER stands at her open locker, exchanging books between it and her book-bag.
SUPER: QUINN MORGENDORFFER, SHALLOW AND FASHION-OVERCONSCIOUS SISTER OF DARIA AND VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE FASHION CLUB
Enter JANE LANE.
SUPER: JANE LANE, WEIRD ART GIRL AND BEST FRIEND OF DARIA
JANE
Are you ready?
QUINN
Of course.
(beat)
Where’s Daria?
JANE
I thought she was with you.
QUINN
You take care of Trent. I think I know where Daria is.
JANE
That’s a big 10-4, good buddy.
(exits)
Enter SANDI GRIFFIN, STACY ROWE, and TIFFANY BLUM-DECKLER.
SUPER: THE FASHION CLUB
SANDI
Quinn, dear, don’t forget we have a Fashion Club meeting today at my house in an hour.
SUPER: SANDI GRIFFIN, QUINN’S RIVAL AND PRESIDENT OF THE FASHION CLUB
QUINN
I told you: I can’t make it. Jane and I are doing a little match-making between Daria and Trent.
STACY
That’s so sweet.
SUPER: STACY ROWE, SPINELESS WIMP AND SECRETARY OF THE FASHION CLUB
TIFFANY
(exceedingly slowly)
But he’s so cool, and she’s a brain.
SUPER: TIFFANY BLUM-DECKLER, ANOREXIC, BELIEVED LOW-GRADE MORON, AND TREASURER OF THE FASHION CLUB
SANDI
That’s the kind of attitude, Tiffany, which says, “I’m a fashion elitist, and I don’t give a damn about the average person.” Trent may not be interested in any of us, but since he is interested in Daria and she in him, he may prove a good fashion influence on her. We already know about the navel ring incident.
QUINN
With thinking like that, it’s no wonder that you’re president of the Fashion Club, Sandi.
SANDI
(smugly)
Thanks.
(beat)
Good luck, Quinn. We wish you only success.
Exit SANDI, STACY, and TIFFANY.
3 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, GIRLS’ BATHROOM.
We see DARIA’s feet inside one of stalls.
DARIA
I can’t go through with this. I can’t go through with this...
Enter QUINN.
QUINN
Daria, get out of that stall right now!
DARIA
No.
QUINN
Jane and I put too much work into this. We’re not going to let you chicken out on us.
DARIA
You know you’re getting even worse than Jane ever was?
QUINN
This just isn’t something you can put off forever, Daria.
DARIA
(sighs)
You’re right.
QUINN
Now Jane and I are only doing this because we care about you.
DARIA
(exiting the stall)
And because if I don’t do it you’ll blackmail me...
4 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE.
JANE walks home and encounters ARTIE and ANDREA.
SUPER: ARTIE, ALLEGED ALIEN ABDUCTEE AND OFFICIAL PARANOIAC OF LAWNDALE, AND ANDREA, REALLY MEAN GOTH GIRL
ARTIE
I’m telling you, Andrea: the gray aliens are stealing the skin of people in this city!
ANDREA
Shut up, you moron!
5 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
Enter QUINN, dragging DARIA, through the front door.
QUINN
Come on, Daria. We’ve got to get you ready.
DARIA
Oh, God! You’re not really planning to make me dress up or anything like that?
QUINN
Well...
6 INT. TRENT’S CAR AS IT MOVES DOWN THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE.
JANE LANE is driving, her brother TRENT riding shotgun.
TRENT
Come on, Janey. What’s this all about?
SUPER: TRENT LANE, NARCOLEPTIC MUSICIAN AND SECRET CRUSH OF DARIA
JANE
It’s something that’s been a long time in the coming. Quinn and I are just forcing the issue because it’s been moving along excruciatingly slowly.
TRENT
You already said that. And I still don’t know who Quinn is or what the issue is.
JANE
Quinn is Daria’s sister.
TRENT
The stuck-up kid who can’t shut up?
JANE
That’s her.
TRENT
And what’s the issue?
JANE
You’ll find out soon enough, young man.
7 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE.
TRENT’s car turns a corner when suddenly a huge tornado speeds past it.
8 INT. TRENT’S CAR.
JANE
What the Hell was that?
TRENT
Looked like a tornado or something headed towards Daria’s house.
JANE and TRENT look at each other for a moment in realization at who’s in danger.
9 EXT. TRENT’S CAR.
TRENT’s car goes speeding after the tornado.
10 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
QUINN is pestering DARIA. A low rumbling can be heard.
DARIA
No! Absolutely not!
QUINN
Come on, Daria! This is a special time! A little lipstick couldn’t hurt.
DARIA
No. You wouldn’t stop at the lipstick. The next thing I’d know, I’d be covered in goo.
(beat)
Do you hear a low rumbling?
QUINN
Hey! I’ve told you many times before: I am not starving myself to stay thin, so it’s not my stomach! Leave me alone!
DARIA
I’m not talking about your stomach growling; I’m talking about this deep rumbling noise, as if something were shaking the whole neighborhood.
(walks towards the window, pulls back the curtains)
Uh-oh.
QUINN
What?
(walks over to the window and looks out)
Oh my god!
11 CUT TO: THE WINDOW OF THE MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM, SHOWING THE TORNADO.
12 INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
QUINN screams and runs. DARIA follows soon after her.
13 EXT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE.
The tornado has enveloped the house and lifts it into the air as TRENT’s car pulls up nearby.
14 INT. TRENT’S CAR.
TRENT
No!
JANE, equally traumatized, starts weeping on TRENT’s shoulder.
15 EXT. TRENT’S CAR.
The tornado carries away the Morgendorffer house. Nothing else in the neighborhood is affected.
16 CUT TO: EXT. THE EDGE OF A MUNCHKIN CITY—DAY.
Blue is obviously the favored color here. Visible, among other buildings, is a Good Times Silver Islander restaurant.
SUPER: MUNCHKINEZIA, MUNCHKINLAND, OZ
A local king, obviously drunk, is walking down the street.
SUPER: STAN, KING OF MUNCHKINEZIA, FORMER KING OF ALL MUNCHKINLAND, AND TOWN DRUNK
Suddenly a shadow falls upon STAN. He looks up.
17 STAN’S POINT OF VIEW.
The Morgendorffer house, falling from the sky, fills his view.
18 EXT. MUNCHKINEZIA.
STAN
Lurline damn it!
The Morgendorffer house falls on STAN.
19 OPENING MONTAGE AND THEME.
The usual Daria theme is played on archaic classical instruments. The usual montage is replaced with:
Finally we see the usual Daria logo superimposed on the Oz logo.
SUPER:
Daria
in
”Daria in Oz”
A Daria/Oz crossover
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
BLACK SCREEN.
SUPER SCROLLING UP THE SCREEN: THE OZ THAT DARIA AND QUINN CAME TO WAS NOT THE DREAM OF THE MGM MOVIE. RATHER, IT WAS THE VERY REAL FAIRYLAND ABOUT WHICH L. FRANK BAUM AND HIS SUCCESSORS WROTE. IN THIS OZ, FOLLOWING THE DEPARTURE OF DOROTHY GALE WERE A SERIES OF LOCAL UPRISINGS AGAINST RULERS MAGICAL AND UNMAGICAL THAT DID NOT END UNTIL OZMA, THE LAST KNOWN SURVIVING MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY OF OZ, REGAINED THE THRONE. IN ORDER TO SECURE HER RULE, OZMA, WITH THE SUPPORT OF GLINDA THE WITCH OF THE SOUTH AND TATTYPOO THE WITCH OF THE NORTH, FORBADE THE PRACTICE OF MAGIC TO ALL BUT A SELECT FEW. WHEN THE WIZARD AND DOROTHY GALE RETURNED TO OZ, CLEARLY SUPPORTING OZMA’S REIGN, ALL REAL OPPOSITION TO OZMA DISSOLVED. HOWEVER, NOT ALL IMMIGRANTS TO OZ WERE SO SATISFIED WITH THE QUEEN’S POLICIES...
20 CUT TO: THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
The room has changed significantly, but still is recognizable. Various ornate artifacts and scrolls now are present. A young, red-haired woman sits with her back to us, playing an acoustic guitar with tuning pegs rather than tuning machines. She is dressed as DARIA was in her English-gentry story in “Write Where It Hurts”.
SUPER: TEN YEARS LATER
woman
(singing)
I’m glad you’re happy watching my pain,
Burning crop circles on my soul’s waves of grain.
We had no love scene, but you’ve cut to the chase,
You’re chopping off my nose to spite my face.
Ow, my nose! Ow, my face!
Ow, my nose! Ow, my face!
Ow—
Someone bangs on the front door. The woman stops playing her guitar.
woman
Go away, Stan! Everybody in Munchkinezia voted on it last year, and they decided by a landslide not to pay any attention to your complaining about “that dreadful noise” I make.
nasal voice
I’m not Stan. Does a Daria Morgendorffer live here?
The young woman uneasily puts down her guitar and walks over to the door. She unlocks and opens it, revealing SANDI GRIFFIN in a puffy pink taffeta dress, holding a bottle of whiskey.
woman
Sandi? What are you doing in Oz?
SANDI
(barging her way in)
Where’s Quinn, Daria?
woman
(turning to continue facing SANDI, so that we can see she really is DARIA)
In her shop out back, making clothes for cute, fuzzy animals. What’s with the ugly dress you’d never be caught dead in, much less alive? And what’s with the booze?
SANDI
(seating herself in a chair)
Get her.
(beat)
Now.
DARIA is too stunned to do anything but obey. Exit DARIA.
SANDI
Of all the lousy things I’ve got to do...
(pops the corks out of her bottle and takes a swig)
21 SAME—LATER.
Enter DARIA and QUINN, the latter dressed as she was in DARIA’s English-gentry story.
QUINN
This had better be important, Daria. I think those mice were about to buy some sweaters.
DARIA
Trust me, Quinn.
QUINN
’Cause I can really use—
(catches sight of SANDI)
Sandi? How—
SANDI
(hands the opened bottle to QUINN)
Both of you take a drink of this.
(beat)
Now.
QUINN
(sniffing)
Ew! What’s in this stuff?
SANDI
It’s just whiskey, Quinn, and I need you and Daria to drink some of it.
QUINN
But it smells awful!
DARIA
Listen, Sandi: I don’t know where you’ve been for the past century, but we’re not drinking anything just because you say so. We need an explanation.
SANDI
You’ll get your explanation, misery chick, but you’ll have to drink some of the whiskey first. Trust me. I’m sure Trent would want you to.
DARIA, unnerved, takes the bottle from QUINN and takes a drink. She then hands the bottle back to QUINN. QUINN sniffs the bottle again and makes a face, but she forces herself to take a drink and involuntarily spits most of it back out.
SANDI
That’ll do, Quinn.
(beat)
You might want to sit down, too. This could take a while.
DARIA and QUINN sit down on the couch.
DARIA
Proceed.
SANDI
You’ve heard the official history of how Dorothy Gale killed Gingemma the Wicked Witch of the East and Bastinda the Wicked Witch of the West, I assume?
DARIA
(sighs)
More than just the official history. Our house happened to land on Stan, who was King of the Munchkins when Dorothy first came to Oz. He has been extremely unhappy since Ozma gave his job to Cheeriobed, and he’s been on my case since he came up through my kitchen floor. He’s made it a point to lecture me regularly on how much better things were under Gingemma’s rule.
SANDI
What you probably haven’t heard about is what happened to most of the rest of the witches and wizards in Oz.
QUINN
Ew! Don’t tell me they also got melted!
DARIA
I think she’s talking about people like Gloma the Good Witch of the West, who controlled the “Southern” Winkie province of Olma and went into hiding with her followers in the Black Forest out of fear that Dorothy would destroy her, too.
SANDI
Still a brain, I see.
DARIA
They threw me out of Wogglebug University for repeatedly ODing on learning pills.
(beat)
Never showing up for athletics might have had something to do with it, too, come to think of it...
SANDI
In any case, at the same time Gloma went into hiding, many other witches and wizards caught wind of a rumor that Pastoria’s daughter had been hiding out in Glinda’s palace, waiting for someone to get rid of that Wizard guy in the Emerald City, which everyone expected to happen anytime soon. And as Glinda had unreasonable standards for all magic-workers in her domain—
DARIA
You mean she didn’t appreciate magicians with the morals of our “esteemed” principal Ms. Li.
SANDI
—or whatever, everyone expected Pastoria’s daughter to have similarly unreasonable standards, which with Glinda’s minions behind her would make their lives miserable. So a large group of wizards and witches got together and moved to Lawndale.
DARIA
So that means—
SANDI
My mother is a witch.
QUINN
I think my mom started that word with a B when describing your mom.
SANDI
She’s that, too.
(beat)
She was also training me in magic when you two were in Lawndale. You wouldn’t believe the mistakes I made, like the time I brought a hurricane to Lawndale and made everyone sing.
QUINN
My god! You mean that wasn’t a dream?
DARIA
Look on the bright side: You didn’t have to hear Brittany sing.
(to SANDI)
You wouldn’t happen to be responsible for Christmas, Halloween, and Guy Fawkes Day coming to Lawndale, too?
SANDI
Unfortunately. I never could figure out how I did that.
QUINN
How come the spirit of Christmas didn’t look anything like Santa Claus? He wasn’t jolly at all!
SANDI
Later, Quinn.
(beat)
So, anyway, after you two left Lawndale, Tiffany became vice-president of the Fashion Club and was, like, really haughty about it. Then she started dropping hints that I should step down as president, and when I didn’t, like, take them seriously, things kept falling on me.
QUINN
Like ceiling tiles?
SANDI
Like Upchuck.
DARIA
Ouch.
SANDI
Then Stacy and I used our magic to investigate Tiffany’s background, and it was worse than we thought.
DARIA
She wasn’t adopted by a witch?
SANDI
Like, her father worked for Gingemma, and she was a genius.
DARIA
Uh, Sandi, she could barely read.
QUINN
And she couldn’t even see that she wasn’t freaking fat!
SANDI
It was an act. The whole thing about her being an idiot was an act.
(beat)
She was getting grades higher than you, Daria, and she wasn’t even trying. When she found out what Stacy and I had done, she dropped the act completely, kidnapped, like, half the teens in Lawndale, and brought us all to this castle near Flem, where’s she’s forced us to serve her ever since.
DARIA
OK...
(beat)
And why hasn’t Ozma turned her into a pineapple or something yet? You’d think something like that would show up in Glinda’s Book of Records.
SANDI
You’d be surprised how easy it is to block any form of information-collecting magic. The whiskey, for example. That’s why Oz has always harbored a number of magic-workers who only get found out when mistakes are made.
DARIA
I’m assuming Tiffany doesn’t want to take any chances. Whatever she wants from us, she wants to make sure Ozma, Glinda, the Wizard, Dorothy, the Adepts, or anyone else in power never hears of it.
SANDI
You catch on fast.
DARIA
Let’s cut to the chase: what does Tiffany want from us, and what’s in it for us?
SANDI
Tell me, just how do you like Oz, Daria?
DARIA
I hate it. I got yanked out of one stupid place only to find myself in one even stupider. It’s amazing how many shallow and moronic people live here, even though Ozma hides away a lot of the really crazy people in remote towns. I haven’t been able to meet most of the famous people who I’d want to meet. Of those I have, I met Ozma for the standard five-minute “welcome to Oz and sorry that our magic can’t send you back home” speech, nearly tripped over the Glass Cat, was almost stepped on by Kabumpo the Extremely Rude Elephant, got yelled at by the Wogglebug a dozen times for skipping athletics before he personally threw me out of Wogglebug U, and I sat on a blue box for ten minutes before I realized it was really the unwakable Woozy.
QUINN
Hey! What about Jenny Jump and Number Nine?
DARIA
They made the Fashion Club look only minimally concerned with fashion.
QUINN
Lucky Bucky and Davey Jones?
DARIA
Every character written about by Neill first is well-worth staying away from. And don’t even think of mentioning anyone written about only by the really inferior authors.
QUINN
I don’t see what your problem is, Daria. I like it here.
DARIA
That’s because you realized early on that you’d stay young and beautiful forever, not to mention that there are plenty of cute, fuzzy animals around here who like it when you pay attention to them and make them teeny-tiny clothes. Not to mention the few dozen Munchkin guys who are practically banging down the door to be with you.
QUINN
(hurt)
Hmph!
DARIA
The worst things are that 1) I’ve been turned down fifty-seven times for a license to learn magic, and 2) the idiocy of this place never ends. At least in Lawndale I knew that I’d eventually die and be spared further torment, but here I can expect to live several centuries, at least. It’s happened before that a sufficiently skilled magician has canceled Lurline’s amortality spell, but everything I’ve learned about Glinda and Ozma indicate that they probably have been doing everything possible to make sure that it never comes undone again. My only refuge now is in music, and in that Stan, former King of the Munchkins, hates whatever I play.
SANDI
I can’t help end your suffering, but Tiffany has something that may make your existence more bearable.
DARIA
What? Is she going to beat the stuffing out of Jenny Jump?
QUINN
Daria!
SANDI
No. She’s prepared to offer you Jane and Trent—if you’re willing to do her a favor.
DARIA
(moved)
OK...
QUINN
You can’t be seriously thinking of dealing with Tiffany, Daria!
DARIA
Well...
SANDI
And don’t even think of telling Ozma or any of her minions about this. Tiffany has guards all around her castle. If anyone who even might be Ozma or someone who works for Ozma is sighted, they’re going to kill Jane and Trent. Tiffany even cast a spell so that if Ozma merely hears a rumor about her, Trent and Jane will die.
QUINN
Come on, Sandi! Everybody knows you can’t kill anyone in Oz!
SANDI
Tell that to Tiffany and her vat of hydrochloric acid.
QUINN
Ew!
DARIA
I’m glad you remember what that stuff is, chemistry girl.
(to SANDI)
So, when do we meet Tiffany?
SANDI
You are to follow Road 66—
DARIA
Wait a moment: you’re telling me that Tiffany, a powerful magician, wants our cooperation in something, but isn’t going to even teleport us over to her?
SANDI
She has her reasons. She always has her reasons.
DARIA
(sighs)
Fine.
A large, transparent bubble forces itself through the front door and approaches SANDI.
SANDI
(to the bubble)
Hey! I’m not finished yet!
The bubble, not paying attention, engulfs SANDI anyway.
SANDI
(as the bubble drags her towards the front door)
Just follow Road 66 until you come to the castle! You can’t miss it! And don’t forget to wear your red boots!
The bubble, still carrying its unwilling passenger, forces itself through the front door. We follow DARIA and QUINN as they rush to the front door just in time to see the bubble flying away with SANDI inside.
DARIA
Quinn,
(beat)
go pack us a basket of food.
QUINN
You can’t be serious, Daria!
DARIA
Do it, Quinn. I’m going to put on my red boots. We’re off to see the wicked witch...
22 EXT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE.
DARIA (wearing her (ancient) red boots, her guitar hanging on a strap over her shoulder, and looking at a map) and QUINN (carrying a covered basket) exit the house.
QUINN
(locking the front door)
I thought you memorized the entire library at Wogglebug U. Why are you bothering to look at a map?
DARIA
No one ever bothered to send local maps to Wogglebug University. Besides, they keep building new roads in this country, as they do everywhere else, and Road 66 wasn’t on any of the maps I memorized.
high-pitched voice
It’s the purple one.
DARIA and QUINN look downwards.
23 ZOOM OUT TO: DARIA, QUINN, AND AN ALL-MIDGET MUNCHKIN BAND.
musician 1
Are you Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer?
DARIA
Uh, yes. What is all this?
musician 1
We’re They Might Not Be Giants, and one Stacy Rowe hired us for probably the weirdest gig in our lives. Hit it, guys!
all musicians
(playing and singing)
Follow the purple-brick road.
Follow the purple-brick road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the—
DARIA
Hold it!
The musicians stop playing and shut up.
DARIA
Is there some point to this?
musician 2
Don’t blame me! I told Krob this gig was too geeky to accept, but no! He thinks that any paying gig is worth taking, no matter how stupid.
KROB (AKA musician 1)
Shut up! I’ve played geekier stuff than this in my time.
musician 3
Actually, I like the MGM stuff.
The other musicians look funny at musician 3.
musician 3
It helps me forget that most of the people in Munchkinland are a lot taller than us.
DARIA
If we can get off this tangent, did Stacy Rowe give any reason for this gig?
QUINN
Who cares, Daria? They look so cute performing that song.
musician 2
(approaching)
Hey! It is not our purpose in life to be “cute”! I am so offended that I challenge you to a fight, right here, right now!
(Two other musicians restrain him and start dragging him away.)
If it weren’t for these other guys, I’d beat you to a pulp!
DARIA
Do I even need to say it?
QUINN
Uh, no.
DARIA
(to KROB)
And what reason did Ms. Rowe give for this gig?
KROB
She said, and I quote, “Eep! Just do it! OK?”
DARIA
OK...
(beat)
Come on, Quinn. Let’s get out of here before they start handing out the lollipops.
QUINN
Ew! Those are really fattening!
DARIA and QUINN move to leave, but KROB blocks their way.
KROB
Not so fast! We don’t play the song, we don’t get paid.
DARIA
Then don’t get paid.
QUINN
Come on, Daria! It won’t hurt to let them sing.
DARIA
I beg to differ.
(can’t stand QUINN making a “pretty please” face)
Fine.
KROB
A one, two, one, two, three, four!
all musicians
(singing and playing)
Follow the purple-brick road.
Follow the purple-brick road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the purple-brick road.
Follow the rainbow over the stream.
Follow the fellow who follows a dream.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the purple-brick road.
You’re off to see the—
Enter a tall, thin soldier with a long, green beard, wearing green and armed with a musket.
soldier
They Might Not Be Giants, by order of Queen Ozma of Oz, you’re all under arrest for copyright violation!
musician 4
Who says so?
soldier
Omby Amby, royal police force and standing army of Oz!
QUINN puts her hands to the sides of her face and screams.
DARIA
What now, Quinn? Are you really that excited to finally meet someone in Oz who qualifies as a major celebrity for what will hopefully be longer than five minutes?
QUINN
Look at his beard! I’ve never seen a more horrible shade of green in my life!
OMBY
(ignoring QUINN, to musicians)
Come along, now! I’d like to get home before supper.
musicians
(as OMBY leads them away)
Oh, man! Who extended the copyright? I wanna talk to my lawyer! We’ve been framed!
DARIA
(as she and QUINN start moving down the purple-brick road)
Is it my imagination, or is something fishy going on?
QUINN
Not really. Seems a lot like what you’d expect in Oz.
DARIA
The wrong version of Oz. Which would never recur like this.
QUINN
Why not? Whenever anyone goes to Oz on TV, something like what happened to us just now always happens.
DARIA
That’s only in the cheap rip-offs of the MGM movie, which wasn’t even faithful to the book in the first place. Nobody ever comes to Oz in a flying house then falls on someone then meets a witch in pink taffeta who tells her where to go and flies off in a bubble then puts on red footwear and then is serenaded by being told by a bunch of short people which road to walk down. And unlike all the cheap rip-offs, all this is happening ten years after we arrived in Oz.
QUINN
So you’re saying that someone’s planning all this?
DARIA
Exactly. And if I’m right, in a little while we should meet a fundamental misunderstanding of the character of the Scarecrow...
24 EXT. A CORNFIELD SEPARATED FROM ROAD 66 BY A FENCE.
ARTIE, wearing a lousy scarecrow costume, is tied to a pole in the cornfield.
Enter DARIA and QUINN.
DARIA
(seeing ARTIE)
Damn. I was right.
ARTIE
Excuse me, but would you two please untie me?
DARIA
Uh, no.
QUINN
Daria!
DARIA
You find him cute and fuzzy; right?
QUINN’s face shows a look of dissatisfaction.
DARIA
Oh, alright!
DARIA and QUINN climb over the fence and start untying ARTIE.
DARIA
So what brings you to Oz, Artie? More aliens that look remarkably like me and Jane steal your skin, perhaps?
ARTIE
No. It was the aliens from Anuther who did this to me. They’re the ones that have been stealing human skin all along, and they were not happy that I told everyone about their plans on Sick, Sad World and the Internet.
DARIA
What use would vanadium-based life-forms have for human skin?
QUINN
Aliens always have disgusting, slimy skin in movies! Why wouldn’t they want human skin?
ARTIE
Exactly.
DARIA
Neither of you has any idea what the Anutherians are like; do you?
ARTIE
They’re horrible, tentacled monsters with a hive mind!
QUINN
They’re slimy and an awful shade of green!
DARIA
They’re humanoid, made of metal, solitary, can’t survive on this planet without being transformed into something carbon-based, and they do not have space travel capability. The only ones ever recorded coming to this planet got here in a freak accident. Quinn, you remember that glance we got of the queen of Regalia, in the Wutz region of the Gillikin country. Did she look slimy or green to you?
ARTIE
It’s a disguise!
QUINN
The Red Jinni must have done a great job when adapting her to live on this planet.
DARIA
(finishing untying ARTIE)
I don’t have time to stand here arguing the matter or tracking down King Randywell Handywell of Brandenburg and Bompadoo, and Kabumpo the Arrogant Elephant of Pumperdink to ask them what they saw when Planetty and Thun came here.
ARTIE
They’d lie! They’re in on the conspiracy!
DARIA
Listen: Quinn and I have to go see Tiffany—
ARTIE
The wizardess?
QUINN
Like, duh!
ARTIE
Do you think she could save me from the Anutherians?
DARIA
Yeah. She could send you to a funny farm. Anutherians just hate insane asylums.
(to QUINN)
Now this is a character who really needs a brain, which fits all too well with my hypothesis.
ARTIE
What hypothesis?
QUINN
Daria thinks someone’s deliberately putting us through the same things that happened in The Wizard of Oz for some reason.
ARTIE
Wow! A conspiracy! I’ve got to come along now to see this.
DARIA
(to QUINN)
Good going, Toto!
QUINN
Wait a minute! What makes you think I’m playing the dog in this
(beat)
play?
DARIA
You’re not wearing red boots, and you’re coming along because I am, not for Jane and Trent’s sake.
ARTIE
And you aren’t anywhere as beautiful as—
QUINN kicks ARTIE.
ARTIE
Ow!
DARIA
Stop it, you two, or I’m turning the car around right now.
QUINN
(begrudgingly)
Fine.
ARTIE
I’ll be good!
DARIA
Then let’s get going.
DARIA, QUINN, and ARTIE climb over the fence and start walking down the purple-brick road.
ARTIE
(sings)
We’re off to see the—
DARIA
(clears her throat)
You probably don’t want to sing that song.
ARTIE
Why not?
DARIA
Because Omby Amby will probably come here and arrest you for copyright violation.
QUINN
Trust me: you do not want to see his beard. It’s green, and not a nice shade of green, but an ugly shade of green.
ARTIE
He’s an alien! I know it!
DARIA
(sighs)
Why me?
25 EXT. THE ROAD 66 PASSING THROUGH A FOREST.
DARIA, QUINN, and ARTIE are walking down the purple-brick road.
ARTIE
What about “If I Only Had a Brain”?
DARIA
No.
ARTIE
”Over the Rainbow”?
DARIA
No.
ARTIE
”Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead?”
DARIA
No. You’ll get arrested if you sing any of those.
ARTIE
There must be something we can sing.
QUINN
Uh-oh...
DARIA
Sure. Why not?
(moves her guitar around so she can play it; sings and plays)
You’re an angel in black,
And you sure have a knack
For putting my heart on the shelf in the back.
I’m waiting my turn.
Oh, when will I learn?
My poor heart, you’re giving it freezer burn!
Yeah...
voice
Shut the Hell up!
A thrown apple narrowly misses DARIA. SANDI’s cat FLUFFY drops down from an overhanging tree branch into QUINN’s arms.
SUPER: FLUFFY, FORMERLY SANDI’S CAT, INFAMOUS IN STORY AND SONG FOR BEING REALLY NASTY
ARTIE
It’s another alien!
FLUFFY
I, Fluffy, commander of the Overhead Swarm of Oz, command you disgusting monkey-people to cease and desist from any form of awful cacophony to which your kind is prone!
ARTIE
I object! Humans are not descended from apes! We are descended from people travelling on an alien spaceship that crashed on Earth 300,000 years ago!
DARIA
(aside to FLUFFY)
He’s a moron.
FLUFFY
Shut up! You will immediately submit to our will, or you will suffer the consequences! We demand you feed us lots of milk and scratch us behind the ears! What do you have to say to that?
QUINN
(dropping FLUFFY)
Ew! You’re shedding on me!
DARIA
Good going, Toto.
FLUFFY
(walking away)
You will regret this, monkey-people!
ARTIE
Oh no! They’re going to steal our skin!
DARIA
Relax, straw-boy. What can a cat do to us?
QUINN
Yeah, like what’s he going to do? He’s not even a smart cat. He ate foundation when he was Sandi’s pet!
FLUFFY
(out of view)
Company, fire!
A barrage of apples falls upon DARIA and company, who run for their lives.
ARTIE
I told you: they’re aliens!
DARIA and QUINN
Shut up, Artie!
DARIA et al. run into a small, wooden hut.
26 INT. THE SMALL, WOODEN HUT.
DARIA, QUINN, and ARTIE run inside. DARIA bolts the door.
voice
(sarcastic)
Oh. Come on in.
27 ZOOM OUT TO: ANDREA (DRESSED IN A TIN SUIT) STANDING NEAR DARIA, QUINN, AND ARTIE.
DARIA
Damn. I should have foreseen that you’d be cast to play the Tin Woodman in this fiasco. You don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks and hence are as close to heartless as anyone could find in Lawndale.
ANDREA
Correct.
QUINN
Shouldn’t you be rusted outside?
ANDREA
Tiffany’s an idiot. She didn’t bother to check to find out whether tin rusted or not before hiring Ku Klip to make me this suit.
QUINN
Then how come the Tin Woodman rusted in the forest?
DARIA
(sighing)
Blame Gingemma for that one. She had to get even with him somehow.
(beat; to ANDREA)
I suppose I’m supposed to coerce you somehow into coming with us to see Tiffany.
ANDREA
Yeah.
DARIA
So do you want Tiffany to give you a heart or something?
ANDREA
Naah. I just want to beat her to a pulp for making me wear this stupid suit on top of everything else stupid she’s made me do over the past century.
DARIA
Fair enough.
(beat)
What did she do to straw-boy over here to make him think that he’s been abducted by Anutherians?
ARTIE
But I was abducted by Anutherians!
ANDREA
Nothing. He’s self-deluded.
DARIA
Ah.
QUINN
Can we get going soon? I don’t want the smell of this cabin to get into my clothes.
ANDREA
Hey!
DARIA
Easy now. We’re all being coerced into doing something stupid. Let’s all keep one thing in mind: We’re going to drop Tiffany into that vat of acid the first chance we get.
Everybody cheers.
DARIA
Now what do you say we go find some coward dressed in a lion suit?
ARTIE
Actually, I’m scared of lion suits.
DARIA
(sighs)
Why me?
DARIA unbolts the door, grabs ARTIE, and drags the protesting idiot outside.
ANDREA
(taking an axe and grabbing QUINN by the wrist and dragging her towards the door)
Come on, Toto.
QUINN
(being dragged outside)
I’m not Toto!
28 EXT. ROAD 66, PASSING THROUGH THICK FOREST.
Same characters as before traveling down the road. DARIA has a smirk on her face.
QUINN
What are you planning, Daria?
DARIA
Nothing.
QUINN
We’ve been together for the last ten years. That look means you’re planning something really mean.
DARIA
No, it doesn’t.
QUINN
You get that look every time you’re planning a new prank on Stan.
ANDREA
So don’t stop her. I want to see this.
ARTIE
Oh no! You’re in league with the Anutherians!
ANDREA
(trying to scare ARTIE)
No. I’m in league with the evil creatures that live in this forest, such as lions, and tigers, and bears.
Enter OMBY AMBY.
OMBY AMBY
Halt! You’re under arrest for copyright violation!
ANDREA
(pulls out a legal document and shows it to OMBY AMBY)
Hah! I’ve got written permission from MGM! I can rip off the movie as much as I want, and you can’t touch me!
OMBY AMBY
(perusing the document)
Looks like everything’s in order. My mistake.
(hands the document back to ANDREA)
Carry on.
(exits)
DARIA
I see Tiffany’s not repeating her past errors.
(beat)
So does this mean that the person playing the Cowardly Lion is going to be brave?
ANDREA
Actually—
Enter someone in a really bad lion costume. The “lion” growls and lunges at QUINN. DARIA punches the “lion” in the face. The “lion” collapses on the ground and cries.
”lion”
Don’t hurt me! I surrender! I’ll do anything you want!
ARTIE
It talks! It’s an alien!
DARIA, ignoring ARTIE, removes the “lion”’s mask, revealing her to be STACY ROWE.
DARIA
(to ANDREA)
You could have warned me that the official doormat of Lawndale would be playing the Cowardly Lion.
ANDREA
(unconvincingly)
I tried.
QUINN
Stacy, are you alright?
STACY
(sniffing)
I’ll be fine.
DARIA
(helping STACY up)
Sorry about that. I guess I got caught up in the part.
STACY
(not alright)
It’s alright. I’m used to the constant pain and humiliation. You get used to it after spending five years transformed into a doormat.
DARIA
I see a diabolical pattern forming here.
(beat)
Tiffany wants me to kill someone; doesn’t she?
ARTIE
She wants to kill all the people in Oz and eat their brains and eyeballs, as any alien invader would!
STACY starts crying and whining.
ANDREA
(to ARTIE)
You idiot! Now I have to listen to that all the way to Tiffany’s castle!
QUINN
It’s alright, Stacy. We won’t let Tiffany hurt you again; won’t we, Daria?
DARIA
(sighs)
I’ll try. But this is going to take a lot of thought...
29 ROAD 66 PASSING THROUGH LESS DENSE FOREST.
Same characters as before.
STACY
(horrified)
No! I can’t tell you! Tiffany cast a spell on me so I’d turn into a turnip if I told you anything about magic!
DARIA
OK, OK, don’t have a heart attack. What about you, Andrea?
ANDREA
Never studied it. I wasted my time on The Satanic Bible.
DARIA
OK...
ANDREA
And don’t bother asking Artie. He can’t even change his clothes.
ARTIE
Hey! I was the greatest magician in Lawndale!
ANDREA
I saw you casting spells to keep Tiffany from transporting you to Oz, and all you did was turn your hair purple, you stupid freak!
ARTIE
It was an essential part of the spell!
DARIA
Well, that line of questioning certainly helped.
(beat)
Do any of you smell something funny?
QUINN
A flowery smell, sort of like poppies?
STACY
The smell of sweet oblivion.
(runs ahead)
ARTIE
Oh my god! Alien pheromones!
DARIA
Tiffany didn’t...
(runs after STACY)
30 THE EDGE OF A FIELD OF POPPIES, THROUGH WHICH RUNS ROAD 66.
Beyond the poppy field can be seen a grotesque castle. Enter STACY with DARIA close at her heels. DARIA tackles STACY and pins her to the ground.
STACY
Please! Let me end it all!
DARIA
Stacy, you are not going to sleep forever in that poppy field!
STACY
I’m not going back! This is the closest I’ll ever get to suicide!
DARIA
Listen to me: you are going back to Tiffany’s castle. Since Tiffany’s forcing us through this charade, there’s no way she’s going to let you just lay here doing nothing. She’s clearly gone to a lot of trouble to put us through a cheap rip-off of the MGM movie, something no one in their right mind would do unless they needed it. That gives us some leverage on her. She can’t hurt us without jeopardizing whatever her scheme is. And as long as we’re unharmed, we have a chance to find some means of stopping her.
The others approach and listen quietly.
STACY
Please! I may never get the chance to end it all again!
DARIA
Tiffany’s not going to let you end it all now! What do you think she’s going to do when she discovers you’ve chickened out? Let you lie here undisturbed? No! She’s going to drag your sorry butt back to her castle and turn you back into a doormat. Do you really want that to happen to you again?
STACY
No.
DARIA
So get off this suicide trip. I promise you: I’ll get you out from under Tiffany’s thumb, one way or another. Now, can I rely on you?
STACY
Yes.
DARIA
Fine.
DARIA and STACY get up.
QUINN
So, what’s next?
DARIA
We go around the poppy field. Anything else would be suicide.
Enter two huge, carnivorous creatures with heads like those of tigers and bodies like those of bears.
SUPER: KALIDAHS (CALIDA URSOPANTHERA), VICIOUS PREDATORS WITH A FONDNESS FOR HUMAN FLESH AND DUCK SAUCE
kalidah 1
Excuse me, but did we just hear you correctly, saying that you weren’t going to go through the poppy field?
DARIA
What would you care?
kalidah 2
My partner and I have been hired to insure that you all go through the poppy field. If you refuse, we have been authorized to, uh, what are we supposed to do to them again?
kalidah 1
We eat the cute ones.
QUINN and STACY scream.
QUINN
You can’t be serious!
STACY
I’m too young to die! Don’t hurt me, please!
kalidah 1
We’re extremely serious. My partner and I are professional wild beasts. We would be derelict in our duties to go back on our agreements, no matter how much our victims plead, scream, or try to bribe us.
ANDREA
What if we let you eat Artie here?
ARTIE
Hey!
kalidah 2
No one hired us to eat the freak.
kalidah 1
To eat him without being hired to do so would violate the high standard of ethics our profession entails.
DARIA
Tiffany put you two up to this; didn’t she?
kalidah 1
Sorry. We keep such information in the strictest confidentiality.
DARIA
(sighs)
OK, team. We have a change of plans. We’re going through the poppy field.
ANDREA
I say we just let the kalidahs eat the Fashion Freaks. The world will be much better off if they do so.
STACY
You can’t be serious!
DARIA
Either we all go into the poppy field, or we all get eaten.
kalidah 2
But we can’t do that!
DARIA
(pulling a thick wad of cash out of her pocket)
How much do you charge for eating Artie, Andrea, and me if we don’t go into the poppy field?
kalidah 1
Well—
QUINN
Don’t do it, Daria! You’ll never survive!
DARIA
There is a fundamental rule of magic that any spell which depends on anyone dying or becoming permanently incapacitated automatically does not work. Whatever Tiffany wants us for, she can’t kill us to get it. Therefore if she wants us to go into that poppy field, she also is planning to drag us out of there somehow.
STACY
But—
DARIA
Trust me, Stacy. You won’t sleep forever.
STACY
(weakly)
OK.
QUINN
I’m in.
ANDREA
What the Hell. It’ll only give me one more reason to beat up Tiffany when this is all over.
ARTIE
I’m not going in there!
DARIA
(to the kalidahs, holding out a 100-ozzo note)
I’ll give you 100 ozzos to eat the freak if he doesn’t go into the poppy field.
kalidah 2
(taking the bill)
Sold!
ARTIE
I’m going in there!
DARIA pockets the rest of her money. Our heroes join hands and uneasily walk into the poppy field. They walk silently halfway through, at which point they fall asleep and collapse. A bubble, containing SANDI (wearing a gas mask), appears and drops its passenger three meters down to the ground.
SANDI
Stupid bubble.
(raises a star-tipped wand and chants)
A o imyergi, esple dwo i!
One fo i smirtoqind kil yi!
Prumbma its, wei, a ghen kwuo ilv!
O skrulbarnt twe a uyu pye thilv!
Snow starts falling from the sky, but no one wakes up.
SANDI
I told her it wouldn’t work, but would she listen? No!
Begrudgingly, SANDI walks over to the sleepers and starts dragging DARIA towards TIFFANY’s castle.
31 EXT. TIFFANY’S CASTLE.
Our heroes, still sleeping, have been dragged virtually to the front door. STACY is in a fetal position. ARTIE is mumbling nonsense.
ARTIE
Please! Don’t probe me! No!
DARIA
(waking up)
Damn. If this is a dream, it’s a damn persistent one.
ARTIE
I didn’t tell the Men in Black about you! I swear!
DARIA
(shaking ARTIE)
Wake up, Artie. You’re not being abducted by aliens.
ARTIE
(bolting upright)
The Anutherians! They were just here!
DARIA
Remind me to sit you down with a hungry dragon when all this is over. Go wake up Andrea.
(shakes QUINN)
Rise and shine, Quinn.
ARTIE starts shaking ANDREA and continues to do so when he is initially unsuccessful.
QUINN
(not opening her eyes)
Leave me alone, Mom. I need my beauty sleep.
DARIA
Tell that to the pack of hungry gigaboos.
QUINN
(sitting bolt upright, looking around)
Daria! Can’t you wake me without scaring me half to death?
DARIA
I’m sorry, Quinn, but that’s the only thing that works these days.
ANDREA suddenly wakes up.
ANDREA
(punching ARTIE)
Keep your hands off me, you pervert!
ARTIE falls on STACY, who screams and contracts even tighter than before.
DARIA
Stacy, it’s alright. You’re still alive, and Artie’s still being punched by Andrea.
STACY
What?
DARIA
You’re alive.
STACY
(opening her eyes, looking at her hands)
I’m alive. I’m alive! I didn’t die in the poison poppy fields!
(hugs DARIA)
You were right! Thank you!
DARIA
(trying not to be irritated)
You’re welcome.
The front door of the castle opens, revealing KEVIN THOMPSON in a stupid outfit and still holding a football.
SUPER: KEVIN THOMPSON, MORON AND (TEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY) QUARTERBACK FOR THE LAWNDALE LIONS
KEVIN
Hey, Daria. What brings you to Tiffany’s castle?
DARIA
We’re here to burn the place to the ground. Would you have any gasoline and matches we can use?
KEVIN
I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my supervisor about that.
(inside)
Uh, boss, some guys out here want to torch the place.
SNORPUS, a short giant with a single eye which shows itself successively through six holes in his head, appears behind KEVIN.
SUPER: SNORPUS OF THE SILVER MOUNTAIN, EXPERIENCED PINHEADED BUREAUCRAT
SNORPUS
Oh, no! Snorpus isn’t dumb enough to fall for that!
(produces a formal memo)
Snorpus has specific orders not to let anyone commit arson!
(looks at the memo)
Snorpus supposed to take Daria Morgendorffer and company to see the Wizardess.
DARIA
We’ll tell her if we see her.
KEVIN
But, Daria, you are Daria!
SNORPUS
Aha!
DARIA
Damn. Foiled by a moron.
32 INT. THRONE ROOM.
The room is a dark stone cavern, lit by flashes of artificial lightning. Shelves filled with magic books and tables covered with magical instruments are everywhere. Above an enormous throne floats a projection of TIFFANY’s head. Enter our heroes, STACY being virtually dragged in by DARIA and ANDREA.
DARIA
Is it my imagination, or did the cheese factor just go up a notch?
head
I am Tiffany, the Great and Powerful—
DARIA
I am Daria, the Extremely Irritated. Spare us the pyrotechnics and tell us what you want.
The head disappears, only to be replaced by TIFFANY herself, dressed in something elaborate yet stretched tight enough to show that she is not fat.
TIFFANY
What do you know about Jenny Jump?
DARIA
(by rote)
She’s a probably nonhistorical, that is, having spontaneously come into existence magically, human who came to Oz in 1940 after forcing the leprechaun Siko Pompus to give her fairy powers, using them to literally jump all the way from New Jersey. Her official history is almost certainly corrupt, but it is clear that she soon teamed up with the equally questionably historical Number Nine, so called because his father was too stupid to decide on names for his children. The two of them, upon entering a ruin in Munchkinland, discovered a turnstile endowed with the power to transform textiles. Jenny immediately moved to the Emerald City and set up a “styles shop”, by means of which she hoped to become rich and powerful. Her subsequent attempt to be elected ruler of Oz failed, despite her successful thwarting of the attempted conquest of Oz by an army of chocolate soldiers, and she has remained in working at her styles shop ever since.
(beat)
And just what is the relevance of Jenny Jump?
TIFFANY
I want you to bring me her turnstile.
DARIA
Let me guess: it’s a piece of ancient magical technology which you need to conquer all of Oz.
TIFFANY
Don’t be silly. There must have been hundreds of attempts to conquer Oz, none of them successful. Why bother trying? Everyone knows that it simply won’t work.
DARIA
Then what do you want it for?
TIFFANY
That’s none of your concern.
DARIA
It is if you want to me to help you. You have obviously gone to a lot of trouble so far. That means you’re either a moron or have a damn good reason for this
(beat)
reenactment.
TIFFANY
I do have my reasons, but until you bring me the turnstile of Jenny Jump, you will not see Jane and Trent again!
DARIA
And how am I supposed to know that you have Jane and Trent in the first place?
TIFFANY
(smiles)
I’ll show you...
33 INT. A LARGE, WHITE, STERILE ROOM.
On the floor are a pom-pom and a garbage can. Enter TIFFANY and our heroes.
DARIA
This is a lot less interesting than I thought a real dungeon would be.
TIFFANY
I don’t resort to primitive methods when I can use magic.
(kicks the pom-pom, which yelps and crawls into a corner)
QUINN
Did I just see—
TIFFANY
Yes, you did. That’s what I did to Brittany for complaining about how I treated Stacy.
STACY winces.
TIFFANY
The can is Upchuck. You can kick him if you want to.
DARIA
Uh, no thanks.
ANDREA kicks the can, which growls. DARIA and QUINN flash her dirty looks.
DARIA
And so where are Jane and Trent?
TIFFANY snaps her fingers. One wall suddenly becomes a one-way mirror showing JANE and TRENT suspended by their ankles above a vat of hydrochloric acid.
TRENT (through mirror)
(singing)
The walls are closing in.
The ice is getting thin.
No place to be alone—
JANE (through mirror)
Trent?
TRENT (through mirror)
Yes, Janey?
JANE (through mirror)
Could you sing something else before I start gnawing at the ropes holding me up?
TIFFANY snaps her fingers again, and the one-way mirror becomes part of the wall again.
TIFFANY
Convinced?
DARIA
It’s either them or a great simulation.
TIFFANY
So do we have a deal: Jane and Trent for Jenny Jump’s turnstile?
DARIA
Sure.
(pulls out a tape recorder)
Would you care to repeat that on tape?
QUINN
Daria, she’s a witch. You don’t want to make her mad.
TIFFANY
It’s OK, Quinn.
(to DARIA)
Why bother, Daria? You can’t even buy batteries for that thing in this country.
DARIA
I use only rechargeable batteries, and Oz does have an electric grid, which is very useful for powering rare and valuable technological treasures.
(beat)
As for the tape recording, blame my mother’s influence. Just a little insurance; magic has no effect on plastic or magnetic fields.
TIFFANY
You never studied magic, Daria.
DARIA
I learned a lot at Wogglebug University, including the entire history of Oz, which contains a very significant number of magical events. In recent years, three would-be conquerors of Oz have been defeated by clubbing them into submission with plastic baseball bats, and six have been shocked by having their weapons, which happened to be made of iron, snatched from their hands by powerful electromagnets. Obviously, these megalomaniacs were either idiots or were unable to magically affect plastic or magnetic fields. Indeed, ten years before I came to Oz, Brian the Krumbic Warlock announced in Ozma’s throne room that he was invulnerable through a number of clever spells to attack by plastic and electric fields, only to find Tik-Tok and the Shaggy Man beating him with plastic umbrellas the next moment. I may not be able to cast spells, but I have a very good idea what you cannot do.
TIFFANY
Very well. You may have your “insurance”, if you really need it.
DARIA clicks on her tape recorder.
TIFFANY
I, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, do hereby agree to release Jane and Trent Lane from servitude upon receiving the turnstile of Jenny Jump from Daria Morgendorffer.
DARIA
Not just Jane and Trent. Either you release Artie, Andrea, and especially Stacy as well, or I’m not cooperating.
QUINN
Daria, you shouldn’t be pushing your luck...
TIFFANY
Listen to your sister, misery chick. There’s only so far I’m willing to haggle.
DARIA
You don’t have much of a choice. Either you agree to my terms, or you’re in trouble. You’d be an idiot to use me to do anything unless I was the only one who could do it, considering that there are plenty of other people who are much more easily intimidated. You therefore have no choice but to capitulate or do without the turnstile.
TIFFANY
Fine. You can have Artie, Andrea, and especially Stacy; she’s so jumpy she’s barely useful for even mopping the floors. But ask for anything more, and I’ll find someone else who fulfills the requirements to steal Jenny Jump’s turnstile, no matter how hard I have to look.
DARIA
I’m satisfied, except for one thing: I believe there is a customary legal phrase to add in this country.
TIFFANY
(annoyed)
All loopholes are null and void, and no sneaky tricks may be used.
DARIA
(turns off the tape recorder)
It’s been a nightmare doing business with you.
(beat)
Come on, guys. Let’s go commit grand theft.
TIFFANY
Remember: Ozma had better not hear a word of all this. If she does, it’s good-bye Trent and Jane. Also, Snorpus will show you to my magic toboggan. Unless you care to spend the next few days walking all the way to the Emerald City...
You are now entering Commercial Parody-Land...
WHITE BACKGROUND WITH SHOTS OF FREDDY KRUEGER AND JASON VOORHEES, GOOFY PIANO MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.
KRUEGER
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VOORHEES
Or why they wear masks so often?
KRUEGER
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VOORHEES
Or being dead--
KRUEGER
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VOORHEES
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(shot of KRUEGER splashing his face)
KRUEGER
Neutrogena has special cleansing ingredients which cut their way deep down into pores.
VOORHEES
And it slaughters over ninety-nine percent of the bacteria that cause outbreaks.
KRUEGER
And do you know what the best part of it all is?
VOORHEES
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KRUEGER
The best part is all Neutrogena products are tested on sweet, innocent, worthless little bunnies!
VOORHEES
Selfish bunnies who would let you drown while they're off copulating...
KRUEGER
Excuse me?
VOORHEES
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KRUEGER
And consider the nightmare that awaits you if you don't!
VOORHEES
And you said I was sick...
You are now exiting Commercial Parody-Land...
34 INT. JENNY JUMP’S STYLE SHOP.
At the entrance is JENNY JUMP’s (in)famous turnstile. Along one wall is a shelf containing bolts of many different kinds of cloth. At tables work two of JENNY’s assistants, STEPHANIE (a Gillikin) and GRACEY (a Winkie), making clothes. JENNY JUMP herself, dressed in something more elaborate than the most elaborate thing you can imagine, supervises and looks particularly angry.
SUPER: JENNY JUMP’S STYLE SHOP
SUPER: JENNY JUMP, EGOCENTRIC FASHION-OBSESSED DEMIFAIRY AND CEO OF THE STYLE SHOP, AND HER FUNDAMENTALLY SPINELESS ASSISTANTS STEPHANIE AND GRACEY
JENNY
Where in Imagination is Six? She’s an hour late! We have deadlines to meet!
GRACEY
You could always—
JENNY
Did anyone ask your opinion, Gracey?
GRACEY
(cringing)
No.
JENNY
Then keep quiet and keep working on that coat! We are not going to let that king-turned-tailor Pastoria and that walking mannequin of his elbow us out of every client we have just because he’s royalty!
Enter JENNY’s third assistant, SIX (a Munchkin).
SUPER: SIX, SISTER OF JENNY JUMP’S BOYFRIEND NINE AND OFFICIAL BACK-STABBER OF THE STYLE SHOP
SIX
Hi, everybody!
JENNY
What’s your excuse this time, Six?
SIX
Well, I was having breakfast is this really cute little cafe on Avocado Avenue, the one with the no-fat, no-salt, low-calorie croissants, and I met the assistant to the secretary of the prime minister of Pumperdink, and she told me that Kabumpo the Elegant Elephant, who happens to be the president of the Gillikin Association of Royal Pachyderms, is planning a pachyderm convention in Pumperdink next month, and he’s having trouble finding velvet capes, especially ones with that metallic fringe he really likes, and seeing as we have plenty of velvet and gold and silver fringe, I convinced her to tell her boss to tell her boss to tell Kabumpo to visit us next Tuesday when he’s in the Emerald City because we definitely ought to be able to outfit him with something to wear to the pachyderms convention.
GRACEY
Wow! Think of the profit margins on elephant capes!
JENNY
Oh, I suppose that since Six’s bringing us so much business since that American tramp in Munchkinezia stole half of our small mammal clients, maybe I ought to step down and let Six here become CEO of the Style Shop.
SIX
Oh, come on, Jenny! I’d never try to replace you!
35 PULL BACK THROUGH FRONT WINDOW TO REVEAL: THE OUTSIDE OF THE STYLE SHOP.
Standing guard outside the front door are a number of silly Ozbuls—fuzzy, pink, vaguely humanlike creatures with a single leg shaped like a coiled spring. They are sickeningly cute.
SUPER: SILLY OZBULS (OZBUL BARDUS), “RED SHIRTS” OF ALL THE CONTINENT OF IMAGINATION
36 PULL BACK TO FRAME THE VIEW WITH THE SHAPE OF BINOCULARS.
QUINN
(out of view)
What do you see?
DARIA
(out of view)
Historical mirroring at its worst.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Sounds like part of a conspiracy.
The sound of ARTIE being hit in the back of the head is heard.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Ow! What was that for?
37 CUT TO: OUR HEROES PEEKING AROUND THE SIDE OF A (HEMISPHERICAL) BUILDING.
At their feet is a rather long toboggan with a visible joystick in front and something that looks like a “flux capacitor” from Back to the Future stuck on the back.
ANDREA
For your being an idiot. Next time you ride in the part of the toboggan that doesn’t have the shock absorbers.
DARIA
(lowering a pair of binoculars)
Knock it off, you two.
QUINN
What did you mean by “historical mirroring”, Daria?
DARIA
There’s this annoying tendency for events to very generally repeat themselves in magic lands. For example, the events of The First Ozite-Gnome War were mirrored a few years later in the Oogaboonian Campaign.
STACY
So what’s being mirrored now?
DARIA
Quinn ought to know. She’s met all four of them in there.
QUINN
You don’t mean...
DARIA
Not only do you have Jenny the Domineering, but there’s also Six the Competitive, Stephanie the Slow and Quiet, and Gracey the Spineless. A faithful replication of the entire Fashion Club.
STACY
Eep!
ARTIE
The Anutherians must have cloned everyone in Lawndale!
ANDREA hits ARTIE on the back of the head.
ARTIE
Ow!
DARIA
Knock it off, you two.
(looks at the Style Shop through her binoculars again)
Damn. Three Munchkin guys just walked in, and they’re hitting on Six and ignoring Jenny.
QUINN
(uneasy)
So, what’s the plan?
DARIA
(lowering her binoculars)
We wait till it gets dark. Quinn, Stacy, you two distract the silly Ozbuls. Meanwhile, Andrea and I pick the lock, remove the turnstile, and run like Hell before the stupid Ozbuls know anything is wrong.
ANDREA
Can do. Worst comes to worst, I’ll rip the thing out of the floor.
ARTIE
What do I do?
DARIA
Nothing.
ARTIE
But why?
DARIA
Uh, we’ll need you in case of an emergency.
ANDREA
To throw to the silly Ozbuls when they get violent.
STACY
(starting to hyperventilate)
Don’t worry about me. I can deal with violent animals!
DARIA
Relax, Stacy. Silly Ozbuls are harmless. The worst they can do is fall over. All you have to do is tickle their tummies. You’ll be OK.
STACY
You really think so?
DARIA
Positive.
38 EXT. THE STYLE SHOP—NIGHT.
Four silly Ozbuls stand guard.
Ozbuls
(marching back and forth, sounding silly)
All we owe, we owe her. All we owe, we owe her. All we owe...
39 PULL BACK TO: SAME FRAMED BY BINOCULARS.
DARIA
(out of view)
The Ozbuls are standing guard. No sign of Jenny Jump.
40 CUT TO: OUR HEROES PEEKING AROUND THE SIDE OF A BUILDING.
DARIA lowers her binoculars and turns towards her companions.
DARIA
Quinn, Stacy, get tickling.
STACY
(nervous as usual)
Are you sure—
DARIA
Trust me: Ozbuls aren’t capable of harming humans.
QUINN takes STACY by the hand and they exit.
41 EXT. THE STYLE SHOP.
The silly Ozbuls are still on guard. Enter QUINN and STACY.
QUINN
Aw! Aren’t these creatures cute?
QUINN and STACY start rubbing the Ozbuls’ tummies. The Ozbuls respond by laying down on the ground and making cute sounds of satisfaction. Presently DARIA and ANDREA enter. DARIA starts picking the lock while ANDREA stands guard.
42 ARTIE PEEKING AROUND THE SIDE OF A BUILDING.
Enter a large, purple wolflike creature.
SUPER: A REWOLF (REWOLF ROGERI), PREDATOR ON STUPID CREATURES
rewolf
Excuse me, but are there any Ozbuls around here? Some cat told me there were a few in this area, but I can’t find them anywhere.
ARTIE
Sure.
(points in direction of the Style Shop)
There are four of them that way.
rewolf
Thanks!
(exits)
ARTIE
Wait a minute...
43 EXT. STYLE SHOP.
QUINN and STACY are still rubbing the Ozbuls’ tummies.
STACY
Who’s a good Ozbul? Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Enter the rewolf.
rewolf
What do we have here? My favorite food: Ozbuls!
The Ozbuls jump up, knocking over STACY and QUINN, and run around screaming as the rewolf chases them.
DARIA
Damn!
STACY
(with two Ozbuls latching on to her and trying to hide behind her)
What the Hell is that?
DARIA
A rewolf. It eats flowers and Ozbuls.
(as QUINN snatches her guitar)
Hey!
QUINN starts beating the rewolf with the guitar as ARTIE arrives, panting. The other two Ozbuls latch onto DARIA.
ARTIE
Some sort of alien interested in the Ozbuls just talked to me!
DARIA
Now he tells us.
(beat)
Tactical decision—
The front door of the Style Shop opens violently, knocking over DARIA, her Ozbuls, and ANDREA. JENNY JUMP, dressed in a fancy nightgown, walks out of the doorway. Neighbors, woken by the noise, are starting to gather around.
JENNY
What the Hell is going on here?
ARTIE
Alien invasion!
DARIA
Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s a moron.
QUINN
(with one foot triumphantly on the now unconscious rewolf’s back)
This rewolf attacked your Ozbuls. Luckily, we were around to save them—with this.
(brandishes the now-useless guitar)
DARIA
She’s very resourceful when it counts.
(beat; to the crowd)
Go home, people. There’s nothing to see here.
The crowd, murmuring, disperses.
JENNY
Well, if it isn’t Daria Morgendorffer, my sworn archenemy. Do you really expect me to believe it’s a coincidence that you would be around to help save my Ozbuls when their natural predator happens to strike?
DARIA
Well, actually—
JENNY receives a sharp blow to the back of the head and drops to the pavement, revealing ANDREA, holding an axe, blunt side downward, behind her.
DARIA
Like that really solved our problem...
44 INT. JENNY JUMP’S STYLE SHOP.
JENNY, still unconscious, has been laid on a sofa. QUINN and STACY are tending to the still-frightened silly Ozbuls. DARIA and ANDREA are trying to figure out how to remove the turnstile.
STACY
(to Ozbuls)
There, there. We’re not going to let the nasty rewolf hurt you.
DARIA
(on the floor at the base of the turnstile)
This sucks.
ANDREA
What?
DARIA
The base of the turnstile seems to be buried under the floor.
ANDREA
Why would it be like that?
DARIA
Because twenty-three years ago Ingebli the Industrious tore it out of the floor to use it to dress his private army in titanium armor. It took three weeks for Glinda’s minions to track it down, clued only by a report of there being a town where everyone was suddenly wearing Hawaiian shirts.
ANDREA
Hah! Stand back.
DARIA
(scooting back)
I don’t think you should do what I think you’re going to do.
ANDREA grabs hold of the turnstile, tries to pull it out of the floor, and ends up sending the funnel cap on her head flying. ANDREA hobbles away from it, her back a bit strained.
DARIA
(moving back to her previous position)
I think it’s probably weighted down with gold in the basement. That would be the easiest way.
JENNY
(waking up)
Of course I used gold! That stuff is heavy and damn cheap. Now what the Hell are you people doing in my style shop?
DARIA
(pointing to the turnstile)
You really want to know why we’re here? I’ll tell you! Do you know what this thing is?
JENNY
It’s a magic turnstile.
DARIA
It’s much more than that, much, much more.
(points to writing engraved on the pole of the turnstile)
Do you know what this says?
JENNY
Beats the Hell out of me. Do you think I know Greek?
DARIA
I know Greek, and this is clearly not Greek. It’s clearly Old Ozzish, an Imaji dialect spoken widely in Oz before Wilb the Incompetent met the first English-speaking immigrant to Oz. Wilb tried to cast a spell to teach himself English, but he ended up teaching everyone in Oz English instead. As use of Old Ozzish declined in favor of English, those who didn’t want others prying into their writings kept them in Old Ozzish, especially magic-workers, such as the person who wrote this. It says, “Ha! You knew I couldn’t destroy this, and I knew you couldn’t take it with you. But you were an idiot to leave it around unguarded in a ruin. Just in case you should foolishly return to Oz, I’ve taken the liberty of slapping a spell on this that prevents anyone from making more than absurdly shallow use of this unless you imperfectly but extremely recognizably recreate a poor but recognizable recreation of the Fairy of the Flying House’s recent adventures here in Oz, retrieving this in the process. Yes, I know about Gayelette’s Limitation. Try to remove my spell any other way, and I’ll know about it instantly. Enjoy life as a tailor! By order of Glinda the Witch of the South.”
JENNY
Who cares? I’m not a historian. I have a business to run here.
DARIA
Well, we care. Did you ever meet Tiffany Blum-Deckler?
QUINN
Daria!
STACY
Oh no! We’re going to die horribly!
DARIA
(to QUINN and STACY)
Relax, you two. You’ll soon find out why I mentioned her.
(to JENNY)
So?
JENNY
I never heard of her.
DARIA
Probably was here about ten years ago anyway and ran out cursing when she saw the notice on the turnstile. In any case, she’s an illicit wizardess who probably knows as much about the turnstile as I do, and she certainly wants it. She definitely knows about what she’s got to do to get it, and she desperately wants it, regardless of whether one of her ancestors actually owned it or not. And thus she’s forced us into badly recreating the MGM musical based on the story of Dorothy Gale’s first adventure in Oz.
JENNY
Wait a minute. That would make
(beat; looks at QUINN)
you Toto!
QUINN
I’m not Toto!
DARIA
In any case, if we don’t come back with this turnstile, two people I know are going to be destroyed. And we can’t go to Ozma or anyone who works for Ozma for help without her knowing about it—but I can appeal to you.
JENNY
What makes you think I’d help you?
DARIA
Because you hate Ozma. You always have since you first came here and lost the election for who would rule Oz, despite what Neill wrote about you. You may have acquiesced to being a mere duchess, but you still crave the power that you can never have.
QUINN
Think about it: you have a chance to one-up Ozma! You’ll have customers flocking away from Pastoria’s shop!
JENNY
Or away from yours, Quinn. I’m still upset that I’ve lost a lot of small mammal clients to you.
QUINN
It’s not my fault they’re willing to travel so far, honest!
JENNY
You’re almost as bad as Six.
(to DARIA)
OK, so I can give you the turnstile and help you save your friends. But what am I going to do without it? I’m shorthanded already, and if I give you the turnstile, I’m never going to make my deliveries on time!
DARIA
Relax. I only need to borrow it. If we all follow my instructions, Tiffany won’t be keeping the turnstile—or anything else.
JENNY
How?
DARIA
I’ll gladly explain it all, but first we’re going to need to get some copies of the script for the MGM musical...
45 DISSOLVE TO: INT. TIFFANY’S THRONE ROOM.
TIFFANY is busy reading a copy of The Theory of Quantum Magodynamics by Ozwoz the Wonderful. Enter our heroes, all dressed accurately as characters from the MGM movie. QUINN is even wearing a shaggy dog costume. DARIA (wearing contacts!) carries the turnstile.
TIFFANY
What the Hell are you people thinking? This is not what I told you to do!
DARIA comes forward and places the turnstile at TIFFANY’s feet.
DARIA
(not monotone)
Please, sir. We’ve done what you told us. We’ve brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her.
TIFFANY
Have you gone insane?
Our heroes all smile, even DARIA.
TIFFANY
What could have induced you to—
DARIA
Yes, sir. So we’d like you to keep your promise, if you please, sir.
TIFFANY
You’re ruining everything! You were supposed to do an imperfect reproduction, not something this good!
Our heroes briefly confer.
DARIA
Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now.
ANDREA
You’ve had plenty of time already!
STACY
(a bit too weakly)
Yeah!
Electric discharges run along the walls.
TIFFANY
There! You see what you’ve done!
QUINN snatches away TIFFANY’s book.
TIFFANY
(to QUINN)
You always were a dog, compared to everyone else in the Fashion Club.
QUINN refuses to be perturbed as small explosions fill the air and tosses aside the book. The room fills with white light, which soon dissipates, leaving the room much plainer than before.
ARTIE
Wow! All the decorations were just abducted!
DARIA
(ignoring ARTIE; to TIFFANY)
I’d say the spells keeping you in power here just broke, as per the implicit instructions on the turnstile. I’d run if I were you.
TIFFANY
(with mysterious hand motions)
Snirnt, izhek smarnktu, anz vye’, chu, skri gurm!
Idiemb blalch stich a elsh epla neld, hwurm!
Sno o pulsh o—argh!
(collapses on the floor)
DARIA
Didn’t you remember? We had a recorded agreement. And one of the rules of magic appears to be that any attempt to violate a recorded agreement results in a backfiring of the spell. The last magic-worker to try that was Stirch the Stubborn—six hundred years ago!
The doors of the throne room burst open, revealing an angry mob led by SANDI and JENNY. The mob quickly surrounds TIFFANY.
SANDI
OK, Tiffany, now that Daria’s done what I hoped she’s done, we have only a few minutes before Glinda and her minions know that something big has happened here. And we don’t plan to waste time...
TIFFANY
(nervous)
Can’t we talk about it?
SANDI
Sorry. There just isn’t time.
(raises her star-tipped wand)
voice
Hold it right there!
SANDI
(looking behind herself)
Damn!
The mob parts, and through them walks a red-haired woman dressed in red and white.
DARIA
Aunt Amy? What are you doing here?
AMY
I work for Glinda.
TIFFANY
Damn!
AMY
(to TIFFANY)
You are to be tried—
Enter OMBY AMBY.
OMBY
You are all under arrest for copyright violation!
(notices AMY)
Oh, never mind. I see I’m too late.
(exits)
AMY
(to TIFFANY)
You are to be tried within three days on the charge of illicit magic-working and, much worse, slavery, assault, and coercion to theft.
TIFFANY
(folding her arms)
Prove it. You know as well as I do how fickle the magic of obtaining information is.
AMY
Next time you try working magic illegally in Oz, don’t keep a diary. Get information remotely out of that is too easy.
TIFFANY
Damn!
AMY snaps her fingers, and the giant bubble floats into the room.
TIFFANY
Oh, Hell no!
AMY
I have been endowed by the government of Oz with a wide berth of discretionary sarcasm.
TIFFANY
(being enveloped by the bubble)
Damn you and your whole family!
TIFFANY, yelling and screaming, is carried by the bubble out the door.
crowd
(mock-cheering)
Good-bye!
AMY
The rest of you, please go outside where some of my coworkers are waiting. We’ll need to get your statements on what happened here for the trial. Also, please don’t leave the area. We’ll be holding the trial as soon as possible, and we’ll need you for witnesses. After that, the Immigration Society will help resettle you wherever appropriate in Oz.
The crowd begins cheerfully clearing out of the room, discussing what to do next. JENNY JUMP approaches DARIA.
JENNY
It’s been a pleasure helping you do something that Ozma could never do.
DARIA
You’re welcome.
JENNY
(beat)
I think I’ll go set the turnstile up outside so you can change into something at least up to your standards.
(exit with the turnstile)
QUINN, STACY, and SANDI approach DARIA.
SANDI
You have my eternal gratitude, Daria. If Ozma doesn’t allow you to practice magic now, remind me to give you whatever books I can so you can at least understand the theory.
(beat)
At least that which you haven’t figured out already.
QUINN
Great thinking. I never would have thought this would have worked.
STACY
I still can’t believe it. We’re free.
(faints)
QUINN
(as she and SANDI bend down to pick STACY up)
She’s just too excited.
SANDI
(as she and QUINN start moving STACY towards the door)
We’ll talk later!
AMY
(approaching DARIA)
Wait up, Daria!
DARIA
(hugging AMY)
I can’t believe you’re still alive after all this time.
(releasing)
When did you become a witch?
AMY
(smiles)
You never did learn what I did for a living; did you?
DARIA
Uh, not really.
AMY
You probably still think your mother was a lawyer.
DARIA
Let me guess: the law firm was a cover.
AMY
Correct. When many magic-workers left Oz following the death of Bastinda, Glinda sent some of her agents to follow them, just to make sure they didn’t cause any problems.
DARIA
This was a multigenerational assignment; wasn’t it.
AMY
It was.
DARIA
Then how come Quinn and I never heard anything about it?
AMY
She was afraid of what you two would do with magic powers. She thought Quinn would be casting love spells and you would be
(beat)
using magic for antisocial purposes.
DARIA
Hmm.
AMY
She’ll be pleasantly surprised you’ve just shot to the top of the list of applicants to learn magic.
DARIA
Say what?
AMY
You’ve just demonstrated more knowledge of magic that anyone expected, and moreover you used that knowledge very responsibly.
DARIA
There goes my reputation as an outcast.
AMY
Your bruised ego will heal, but before that happens, I think there are some people who want to see you.
(steps away to reveal JANE running towards DARIA)
JANE
(embracing DARIA)
Daria!
DARIA
I’ve missed you, too, Jane. Life has been Hell without you.
JANE
Tell me about it. Lawndale turned into total chaos without you, which, needless to say, only got worse once Tiffany transported us here.
DARIA
Tiffany didn’t like your artistic style?
JANE
Oh, she liked it alright—as long as I stayed away from any “depressing” motifs. Trent was even worse, with all the insanely depressing music he produced for the last decade.
DARIA
(blushing)
Oh God! I forgot he was here.
Enter TRENT with UPCHUCK in tow.
UPCHUCK
Please! Tell me how you do it!
SUPER: CHARLES “UPCHUCK” RUTTHEIMER III, FORMER OFFICIAL LETCH OF LAWNDALE
TRENT
No.
UPCHUCK
I’ve tried every love spell in the book! None of them worked! How did you do it?
TRENT
Just plain respect.
(shoves UPCHUCK aside as he reaches DARIA)
DARIA
Trent!
TRENT
Hey, Daria.
(beat)
I’ve been waiting ten years to say this, and I still don’t know a better way.
TRENT scoops DARIA up in his arms; they passionately try to suck each other’s tonsils out.
46 EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, GRASS.
DARIA is lying on the grass with JANE, SANDI, QUINN, STACY, TIFFANY, ANDREA, ARTIE, KEVIN, BRITTANY, UPCHUCK, and a bunch of assorted students standing over her.
DARIA
(opening her eyes)
Wow.
JANE
Daria! Are you alright?
DARIA
(sitting up)
Sure. I just had a strange dream in which I had been transported to a magical land, and all I wanted was to be with the people I love again.
STACY
(sniff)
That is so beautiful.
JANE
Must have been the mystery meat you ate.
TRENT pulls up to the curb in his car.
TRENT
Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.
(beat)
Are you alright?
DARIA
Hey, Trent. I’m fine.
JANE
Trent, what are you doing here?
TRENT
We finished practice early, or late, or whatever. Just thought while I was at it I’d stop by to say hi.
STACY
That is so romantic!
DARIA
Stacy,
(beat)
what do you know about me and Trent?
STACY
It’s not like we didn’t know about it.
SANDI
You two have been an item, like, forever.
TIFFANY
It was completely and utterly obvious, even to the dimmest people on the planet.
DARIA
(to QUINN)
I can believe that you’d tell your cronies about Trent,
(to SANDI)
but there’s no way you’d blow it so far out of proportion,
(to TIFFANY)
and there’s no way in Hell that you’d say anything that sophisticated—except in Oz.
(to all)
None of this is real; is it? This is all a dream!
47 FADE TO: WHITE WITH EXPLOSION SOUND.
48 EXT. TIFFANY’S CASTLE.
Everyone who was at TIFFANY’s castle before is there. All are looking at DARIA, who is passed out on the grass, with the exception of TIFFANY, who is sulking as she sits in a bubble about a meter off the ground.
DARIA
(opens her eyes)
I think I just experienced a magical booby-trap.
TRENT
Are you alright? You passed out, and we brought you outside to give you some fresh air.
DARIA
I’m fine now.
DARIA grabs TRENT, and they are about to resume sucking face when they are interrupted.
voice
Hold it right there!
49 ZOOM OUT TO: FLUFFY THREATENING THE CROWD WITH A HIDEOUSLY COMPLEX MAGICAL INSTRUMENT.
STACY
(screams)
Oh my god! He’s got a polarizing geckotronic flabbergenic detonator!
(passes out)
DARIA
(turning to AMY)
That’s not a good thing; is it?
AMY
That’s one of the few things known to be able to kill someone in Oz.
(beat; to FLUFFY)
What do you want?
FLUFFY
I demand absolute power over everyone and everything in Oz!
DARIA
Great. Just what we need: a token shallow megalomaniac out to conquer Oz.
FLUFFY
(points detonator straight at DARIA
I did not authorize any commentary from you!
(beat)
Now where was I? I want absolute power over everyone and everything in Oz, a thousand live goldfish to snack on, two cows to provide me with fresh milk whenever I want it—
A silly Ozbul drives up in the magic toboggan, having just taken a joy-ride.
Ozbul
Ooh! Pretty cat!
(parks toboggan and approaches)
FLUFFY
—no! Make that three cows! And I want a ball of yarn at least a meter wide! And a—
The Ozbul picks up FLUFFY and scratches him behind the ears. The detonator drops to the ground.
FLUFFY
Hey! Put me down!
Ozbul
Nice, pretty cat. Must make you booties.
(starts hopping away with FLUFFY)
FLUFFY
(being carried away)
You can’t do this to me! I’m the leader of the Overhead Swarm of Oz! I hate booties!
AMY
(picking up the detonator)
I think that takes care of that subplot.
DARIA
That leaves only one major thread to take care of...
(commences sucking face with TRENT)
JANE
Yes! Yes! Yes! Finally! We have conclusion! We have conclusion!
AMY
(rolling her eyes)
Kids.
SUPER ROLLING UP THE SCREEN: TIFFANY WAS TRIED AND FOUND GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES; SHE WAS BANISHED TO ROLY-ROGUE ISLAND, WHERE THE NATIVES FORCED HER TO MAKE SOUP FOR THEM CONSTANTLY. DARIA AND TRENT, TO THE DELIGHT OF THE “SHIPPERS”, MARRIED WITHIN A YEAR. AS FOR DARIA’S PROGRESS IN LEARNING MAGIC, THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED. TRENT’S MUSIC WON ACCLAIM IN QUADLINGLAND, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE LEARNED TO PLAY OPEN-D TUNING. JANE GAINED FAME AND FORTUNE AS AN ARTIST FOR HER AWARD-WINNING MURALS ON THE WALLS OF THE EMERALD CITY. STACY AND SANDI STARTED WORKING FOR QUINN, BUT SANDI AND QUINN DID NOT MANAGE TO WORK OUT THEIR PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES; SANDI LEFT OZ AND FOUND MAGICAL WORK WITH THE GREAT SORCERESS MAËTTA IN MO. ARTIE WAS COMMITTED TO A SPECIAL TOWN IN THE QUADLING COUNTRY OF OZ FOR PEOPLE WITH NO SENSE OF REALITY; HE BECAME THE MAYOR. ANDREA OBTAINED WORK AS A DEMOLITION EXPERT. JENNY JUMP, WHILE WINNING PRAISE FOR HELPING DARIA, DISCOVERED IT WAS TOO LATE TO SAVE THE STYLE SHOP AS IT WAS; SIX TOOK THE ADVICE OF HER SISTER DAHLIA (FORMERLY CALLED “FOUR”) AND STARTED HER OWN TAILOR SHOP, STEPHANIE AND GRACEY WORKING FOR HER. HOWEVER, JENNY SOON DISCOVERED THAT HER SILLY OZBULS WERE GOOD AT SEWING AND CLOTHES DESIGN. THE REWOLF JOINED OZBUL-EATERS ANONYMOUS AND MADE RAPID PROGRESS TOWARDS RECOVERY. FLUFFY REALLY HATED WEARING BOOTIES.
MUSIC: Pink Floyd, “Eclipse”.
ALTER-EGOS:
Special thanks to:
This script was inspired by:
Oz fans can find more about Daria on WHEN FANFIC AUTHORS ATTACK. Daria fans can find more about Oz on my Oz page.
