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“Her Name Was Lola, She Was a Cheerleader”
The sequel to “New Nightmare”
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman

WARNING:  If you have not read “New Nightmare” yet, please do so.  Otherwise you may be very confused.

SHOT OF TELEVISION SCREEN.

The screen is black.  A hand with a remote control comes into view and presses “play” before moving out of view.  The television shows Daria (green baby T-shirt, green miniskirt, open-toe sandals, her hair its natural blond color, no glasses but no sign of vision impairment) and Trent (canonical appearance) in the Lane house living room.  Both are visibly happy.  Daria is sitting in Trent’s lap, writing something on a note-pad, as he fondles and kisses her.

SICK, SAD WORLD ANNOUNCER
Since we last reported on them, Lola Morgendorffer has gone from simple ex-cheerleader to acknowledged genius—and her husband Trent Lane likes her that way.  Could it be that Lola has always been smart—or has Trent been using hypnosis and mind-altering drugs on her?  Brainwashing, on the next Sick, Sad World.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE—DAY.

Infested with teenagers, a party is in full swing, with people dancing to music, drinking, making out, hitting on each other, and eating brownies.  The music is that of an electric guitar, displaying an extremely high-level of skill, pushing the instrument to the limits of its capabilities, something one would expect if J. S. Bach had been an electric guitarist.

SUPER:  LAWNDALE, SUMMER 2018

PAN TO:  A GUITARIST PLAYING THE LOUD MUSIC.

She is a beautiful teenage girl who strongly resembles Daria.  She is wearing a blue baby T-shirt, a matching miniskirt, and open-toe sandals, and she has blond hair in pigtails.  As she plays, she dances to the extent that her instrument allows, in the process flirting with a nearby red-haired guy who vaguely resembles Tom, coming ever closer to him.

The Tom look-alike is entranced by the guitarist, his eyes never turning their gaze from her.  He barely even blinks.

The song ends, and the audience breaks into applause. The guitarist curtsies.

GUITARIST
(Brittanyesque)
Thank you!  You’re too kind!  I love you all!

The guitarist puts her instrument down on a stand and picks up an unmarked CD.

GUITARIST
I’m going to take a little break now, but in the meantime you can listen to my first CD, Ubiquitous, which is coming to music stores very soon. Enjoy!

The guitarist puts the CD into a CD player, which then produces music in the same style amidst excited cheers.  As the Tom look-alike tries to sneak away, the guitarist takes hold of his arm, pushes him into a chair, and sits down in his lap.

TOM LOOK-ALIKE
Elaine—

ELAINE (AKA THE GUITARIST)
(pulling herself close to the Tom look-alike)
Hello, Murray.

Elaine tries to suck out Murray’s (AKA the Tom look-alike) tonsils, eliciting silly noises from some of her more easily excited fans. Murray looks uncomfortable but does not break lip-lock immediately.

MURRAY
(finally breaking lip-lock)
Elaine, you’ve got to stop doing this.

ELAINE
But why?  You are in love with me.

MURRAY
Uh—

ELAINE
Murray, I know how you look at me, especially when you don’t think I’m looking at you.  I have tested your galvanic skin response just to make sure it wasn’t my imagination.  We’ve got a lot in common, from intelligence to interests to religious and political views, even sufficient physical resemblance. We enjoy being together, and we have long discussions that go on for hours. I’ve done all the math, and we are as perfect for each other as is humanly possible—and I do believe that everyone who’s looked at my figures has come to the same conclusion.  You yourself couldn’t find anything wrong with them.

Elaine shows off an engagement ring on one of her fingers.

ELAINE
After all, you did propose to me, and I did accept; we are just waiting for the right time for the ceremony.  So why shouldn’t we allow ourselves to enjoy each other as much as possible?

MURRAY
It’s not that I’m not attracted to you.  I’m just not comfortable with moving so fast.  We were nothing more than friends a few months ago.

ELAINE
More than that.  I have been sitting in your lap since I decided I liked you when I was 12.  But even something as intense as the Lola-and-Trent is nothing to be worried about.  People have been doing it all my life—even people nowhere near as serious about each other as we are, and you do have my explicit permission and encouragement.  Go ahead and touch me; you know I welcome the attention.
(beat)
Look, I know you don’t want to be like your parents.  But I’m not asking you to do anything you haven’t done with me before.

MURRAY
Well...

ELAINE
Murray, we’re not doing anything wrong.  We’re just two young people in love, and it’s perfectly alright for us to show each other affection.  You don’t have to be so tense, not around me.

Elaine climbs out of Murray’s lap and takes him by the hand.

ELAINE
Come on!

Elaine pulls him into a standing position and towards the front door.

MURRAY
Where are we going?

ELAINE
(as she pulls Murray after her)
To help you relax, silly!  You know there’s one way that always works.

CUT TO:  RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR.

Elaine opens the front door, revealing Anthony DeMartino, 16 years older and looking prepared to tear someone’s head off.

ELAINE
Eep!

MR. DEMARTINO
(mock-happy)
Ah!  If it isn’t the soon-to-be famous Ms. Lane!
(angry)
Get you equipment, Laney!  Your parents want to talk to you now!

Murray turns to sneak off, but Mr. DeMartino puts a hand on his shoulder.

MR. DEMARTINO
You’re not getting out if this, Murray.  Lola and Trent want to see you, too...

EXT. AN OFFICE BUILDING.

In front of the building is a sign reading “HARPIES RECORDS".

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, LOBBY.

The place is in a commotion, with people (ranging from “suits” to goths, including some vaguely familiar characters) running everywhere and talking excitedly among themselves.  A character who looks like an older version of Arbor Day (from “Depth Takes a Holiday”) chases someone who looks like a teenage version of Christina Aguilera through the room and down a hallway.  Secluded in a corner is a couple (the woman looking like a twenty-something version of Jodie in clothing resembling that Daria wore on Sick, Sad World) sharing a passionate kiss.

Mr. DeMartino marches in Elaine and Murray (both carrying Elaine’s equipment).

ELAINE
But, Mr. DeMartino—

MR. DEMARTINO
I am not arguing with you!  You’re going to have to deal with your parents, and that’s final!

MURRAY
But—

MR. DEMARTINO
You also get to deal with Lola and Trent, Murray!  It’s my job to yell at people who need to be yelled at—something I do very well and take great pride in—not to discuss with them why I should leave them alone!

Mr. DeMartino gives each of the kids a push on the back.

MR. DEMARTINO
To the Padded Office, now!

INT. OFFICE.

The walls are covered with padding (cf. Morgendorffer house, Daria’s room).  A chair and a bed stand on opposite sides of a desk, upon which is perched a computer with two large screens, set up be used by someone on the bed and displaying an abstract screen-saver.  Also present: an electric guitar, an amplifier, a synthesizer, a sofa, a well-stocked bookcase, and a door leading into a full bathroom.  Thick curtains are drawn on the windows, leaving most of the room dark except for the sofa, which is illuminated by a lamp on the desk.  In the dark and on the bed are the forms of Trent and Daria, Daria sitting in Trent’s lap and clutching onto him for comfort; little in the way of detail of them can be seen.

Enter Elaine and Murray (both carrying her equipment), being marched in by Mr. DeMartino.  Elaine and Murray put down her equipment by the door.

TRENT
Thanks, Anthony.

MR. DEMARTINO
(calmly)
No problem, Trent.

Mr. DeMartino exits.

TRENT
OK, you two, sit.

Elaine and Murray sit down on the couch, Elaine in Murray’s lap.

TRENT
Not on top of each other!

ELAINE
But this is perfectly normal for people our age!  We’ve been doing it all the time since I decided I liked Murray.  You yourselves are doing it!

TRENT
Yes, we know.  You know how we have to be.

Elaine reluctantly complies.

TRENT
Do you have any idea how much trouble you two are in?

MURRAY
You can’t punish me.  You’re not my parents.

TRENT
With your parents, it’s a miracle you’ve turned out decent.  Your sister is a walking disaster.  Someone has to discipline you, and since it’s our daughter you’re dating, it might as well be us.  To be frank, your parents would love it if you moved into Elaine’s room and never went home again.
(beat)
And the charges against the accused, Elaine Deborah Lane are—

ELAINE
God, not the family court paradigm...
(sighs)
I demand a lawyer.

ELAINE
Can I at least plea-bargain?

TRENT
No, and that means “no” and nothing but “no".
(beat)
Ms. Lane, you are accused of:  1) Recording, producing, and distributing an album without our permission and coercing your boyfriend into helping you do so, substantiated by a large number of well-buried documents that our loyal secretary dug up.  2) Circumventing the chain-of-command of Harpies Records in order to record, produce, and distribute said album and coercing your boyfriend into helping you do so, substantiated by our esteemed chairman of the board being unable to keep his big mouth shut.  3) Performing publicly at an unsupervised party at which alcohol and marijuana were being served—

ELAINE
Daddy, those were ordinary brownies!  Wang Pear Blossom heard that people acted intoxicated if they thought they were drinking alcohol, and she wanted to find out if the same thing happened with simulated marijuana.

TRENT
Like that makes much of a difference.
(beat)
You also used said performance to promote your unapproved album, substantiated by us catching you in the act.  We even had an agent inside the house with a miniature camera giving us a live feed of the entire performance.

ELAINE
What!?  Connie was supposed to be working for me!

TRENT
And 4) using an impermissible appearance, voice, and persona.

ELAINE
Aw, come on!  I’m just—

TRENT
One more squeak out of you, young lady, and we’re going to search your room. God only knows what we’ll find in there.

ELAINE
(monotone)
Fine.  You two are blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

TRENT
Laney, we’re proud to be the parents of such a brilliant, talented young woman as yourself.  You’re only 16, and you’ve already got a PhD in music history. We’re happy you want to be a musician; you play and sing better than most of the people in the field.  But you’re not emotionally ready to be famous. You’re too wild and attention-craving for anyone’s good.  Every time we’ve let you on stage, your ego’s swelled so big no one else in the family can stand you, especially your cousin Lorena.

ELAINE
(Brittanyesque voice)
But, Mommy, Daddy—

Daria’s head turns towards Elaine.

ELAINE
(monotone)
Sorry.  Look:  I’ve made a lot of progress since the last time.  Until today, I’ve spent all my time in public since then as a misery chick.  I’ve stopped fighting with Lorena.  I’ve stopped dating every guy I meet and settled on a single boyfriend—whom I am, I might add, engaged to and faithful to. I’ve even done community service by tutoring students at Lawndale High. I’m under control.  I’m sorry about going behind your backs, but besides that, I haven’t done anything wrong.  So I jumped the gun and did two years early what you knew I was going to do when I turned 18 anyway.  Big deal. It’s not like I did something really bad, like getting pregnant.

Daria takes a manila envelope off the desk and tosses it to Elaine.  Elaine opens the envelope and peeks inside it.

ELAINE
Eep!

MURRAY
(peeking inside the envelope himself)
Oh my god!
(dropping the envelope and burying his face in his hands)
My parents are going to have a field day with this.

TRENT
(deadpan)
Your mother is really happy that she might be the World’s first grandma lusted after by horny teenage guys, which leads to:  5) Illicit contact in the back of my van on many occasions, starting even before your 16th birthday, confirmed by a snitch with a camera who wishes to remain anonymous.

ELAINE
I’m going to kill Lorena.
(taking Murray’s hand as she speaks and pressing it to her thigh)
Look:  Murray’s my soul-mate.  I’ve proven it.  Don’t you want us to be happy? Why shouldn’t we have the same bliss that you have?  It’s not like you weren’t doing it at my age.

TRENT
We weren’t doing it at your age, Laney.

ELAINE
Well, it is what everybody claims, even Aunt Janey.  She insists you two did it on the way to Alternapalooza.

TRENT
She lied.  You know how she “elaborates” on the truth to get more attention. You ought to know better than to accuse your mother of—

ELAINE
Stop it!
(to Daria)
If you’re going to be mad at me, Mom, is it too much to ask that you tell me so directly?  Dad may know you so well he can effectively read your mind, but you shouldn’t become so withdrawn that you need him to speak for you!

DARIA
(using the voice she used to say “Hi!  Can you get me a soda?” in “Quinn the Brain", henceforth referred to as her “Lola” voice)
Is this better, Laney?

ELAINE
Yes.

DARIA
Good.  We know you’re restless, sweetie, but you can’t justify what you’re doing on the grounds that I behave in a certain way.  We never had a real choice in the matter.

ELAINE
God, not this again...
(derisive imitation)
Everyone in Lawndale’s conspiring to keep me bubbly and practically surgically attached to Trent out of fear the Earth will crash into the Sun if I don’t smile and show how deeply in love we are.  We’re going to make you dress in rags and mope if you show the slightest bit of emotion so you don’t suffer the same fate.
(angry version of her perky voice)
Damn it, Mom!  I don’t want to be a misery chick!  I like this look!  I like this voice!  I don’t feel guilty if I do a split or dance in public.  I don’t even have any qualms about letting Murray put his hands in my clothes. I’m happy with who I am!  Can’t you just give up this pointless dream of living out your life as Monotone Woman and stop trying to force it on me?  You’ve been perky and pretty all my life, and everyone says you’ve always been like this.  And why shouldn’t you be?  You really do have a lot of fun the way you are now.  It’s not my fault I imitate the way you really do act. Kids do that.

DARIA
(taking a deep breath)
Sweetie, I think it’s about time we had a little historical review, if for no other reason that you understand the Hell I’ve been put through.  Your father and I are going to tell you all about how we got forced into our current situation.  It is only appropriate, considering your area of expertise.

ELAINE
Can’t you just punish me?

TRENT
How?  We can’t ground you; every time we’ve tried you’ve broken out, including that time we chained you to one of Janey’s sculptures.  We can’t break up you and Murray, since you’d probably go back to duping half the teenage guys in Lawndale into buying you presents and God knows what else.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if we don’t manage to stop your album from going to market, though Monique’s trying to do that now.  Lecturing you’s about the only thing we can do.

ELAINE
But I’m sick of hearing about what it was like for you to be on the run from the Highland Mafia!

DARIA
That’s good.  We’re going to tell you about what we went through after we returned to Lawndale.  Maybe that’ll give you some insight into why the alleged “joy of Lola” isn’t what a lot of people think it is.

Elaine looks pouty.

MURRAY
Um, excuse me, but is this going to take long?  My parents want me home by dinner-time...

TRENT
Yes, it is going to take a while, and you will stay to hear it all; you did aid and abet our daughter’s crimes.  And considering Elaine’s matchmaking analysis, I wouldn’t bet on you not marrying her.  Since you’re going to be part of the family, you’d better know what we’re going to tell you, son.

MURRAY
Um, OK...

TRENT
And get your hand off my daughter’s thigh if you want to live long enough to marry her.

ELAINE
But I don’t mind, Dad—

TRENT
Now!

MURRAY
(moving his hand)
Damn.  Now she’s got me doing these things, too.

DARIA
Our story starts on the day we got back to Lawndale.  Monique had guilt-tripped me into doing a public concert on that same day, but then she had the gall to reveal that she was founding a new record company and encouraged the crowd to tell us to sign with it.  Trent and I weren’t allowed off the stage until we promised to at least listen to what Monique and her little friends had to say...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Trent sits in a chair, Daria (in a red version of what Elaine was, or rather, will be wearing) in his lap and unable to keep his hands off of her.  Opposite them sit Monique (in a red and black outfit resembling what Daria wears canonically), Samantha (looks like “Halloween” from “Depth Takes a Holiday”), April (looks like “Memorial Day”, only she is a goth), and Cindy Eunice (physically resembles Daria, dresses a lot like a stereotypical librarian, including having her hair in a bun and wearing glasses, known for her involvement with Upchuck in “New Nightmare”).

SUPER:  SUNDAY, 23 JUNE 2002

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

Elaine has crept closer to Murray.

MURRAY
Ugh!  Do you have to discuss her?  It’s bad enough to be around her so much, despite the agreement which keeps her out of this part of the building.  Hearing about her’s a pain I’d prefer to do without.

ELAINE
We hear enough stories about her “adventures” as it is.

TRENT
Kids, we do have to discuss Eunice.

DARIA
She’s just too central to the story to leave out.  Sorry.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

DARIA
(monotone voice)
This has to be the lowest, dirtiest trick in the book.

TRENT
Agreed.

DARIA
There was supposed to be only one concert, and now you’re trying to force us into a record deal?

TRENT
I knew this whole thing was a bad idea.

DARIA
You’re lucky I don’t try to strangle you.

SAMANTHA
Emotional, aren’t they?

APRIL
I told you, Monique, we should’ve stuck with Plan A and gone back into the music business ourselves...

MONIQUE
April, Samantha, hush.

SAMANTHA
Great.  Now Monique thinks we’re the naughty children.

MONIQUE
No, Samantha, you two were never good enough for the Harpies to make it big time.  Now, hush!
(to Daria and Trent)
Now, if you’ll just let my colleague here, C. Eunice Blenko,
(motions to Cindy Eunice)
make her presentation, I’m sure you’ll be quite satisfied to accept our proposal.

DARIA
You’ve got five minutes.

CINDY EUNICE
(monotone)
That’ll do.  Lola—

DARIA
That’s “Daria”.

CINDY EUNICE
OK, Daria, my colleagues and I were wondering if you would be willing to share—

MONIQUE
Not that proposal!  None of us wants to be in such an arrangement, especially if you’re not breaking that unconscionable deal you made with Ruttheimer.  Now give Lola the other proposal!

CINDY EUNICE
There is no need to get angry about it.  It should not be a crime to bring peace to the Harpies.  And for your information, I have no intention of abandoning Charles for Trent; I may yet get several years of use and pleasure out of him.
(to Daria)
Tell me, Daria, now that you are no longer running from the Mob, what do you plan to do?

DARIA
I frankly don’t know.  I’m hoping to go to college, but I’m not sure how soon that’ll be possible.  I haven’t had the time to look into such things yet.

CINDY EUNICE
But you will still be performing, at least on the side.

DARIA
No, no way.  I only got into the business because I had to do something for money indoors that didn’t require me to see what I was doing, and the alternatives were a lot less appealing.  I’m sick of playing Lola, and all I want to do now is go back to being plain-old Daria Morgendorffer.

CINDY EUNICE
But you have only a high school diploma, no other means of support, and a baby to take care of.  I am well aware you are not fond of performing, but seeing how many fans you have, it does seem a viable choice.

TRENT
She is right about that.

Daria glares at Trent.

TRENT
Sorry.

DARIA
There has to be something else I can do besides performing.

CINDY EUNICE
Modeling, perhaps?  I talked to Steve Taylor last night, and he is certain he can get you a very comfortable—

DARIA
OK, fine.  I’m not expecting to get out of performing.  But what makes you think we’ll sign with you people—one of whom has given us ample reason not to trust her—instead of some other company?  We got back this morning, and it’s only a matter of time before other record companies find out about us and make their offers.

CINDY EUNICE
You will sign with us because we will treat you fairly.  Unlike other record companies, we will not cheat you.  You will own the music you create.  We will pay the associated costs, including for advertising.  You will not need to take a second job, not even modeling, just to break even.  We will even provide for all your needs out of our own pockets until you get your first paycheck.  Your profit potential is so high that we are not even tempted to pull anything on you.

TRENT
That’s one amazing offer.

CINDY EUNICE
We do still care about you, Trent, and we do want you to do well, even if you’re not with any of us.  You both deserve to do well.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Fine.  Show me a contract, and if there’s nothing funny in there, I’ll sign.  But from now on I’m going back to my old appearance.

CINDY EUNICE
I do not think so.

DARIA
Why not?  I’ve paid my dues.  I’ve been Lola for ten months already.  I deserve to be Daria again.

CINDY EUNICE
The fans do not want a “misery chick”—

DARIA
I was not a “misery chick”.  I wasn’t miserable.

CINDY EUNICE
The term has taken on a life of its own now in Lawndale, now denoting any intelligent, sarcastic young woman who dresses in clothes designed to hide how good she looks, regardless of whether she is actually miserable or not. A few variations have also appeared, including “misery bimbo”, “misery skank”, and even “misery slut”.  So, as I was saying, Daria, the fans do not want a “misery chick”.  They want Lola.

DARIA
Oh, what would you know about it?

CINDY EUNICE
Four years ago I looked just like this all the time.  The Harpies were not doing well, so we changed our look.  I revived a part of myself I had been forced to squelch years before and became this:

Eunice stands up and removes her glasses, then removes the hairpin holding her bun together, shakes her long, blond hair free, and then removes her clothes to reveal beneath them another, tasteless, revealing outfit, one that would not be out of place on Christina Aguilera.

DARIA
Oh my God!

CINDY EUNICE
(as she sits down; perky)
Now, this is the look that put the Harpies on the map in Lawndale, cutie.

TRENT
I don’t think you’re helping, Eunice.

CINDY EUNICE
The name’s “Cindy"!  You know I want to be called “Cindy” when I’m like this!

DARIA
Don’t you have a reputation as a slut?

CINDY EUNICE
Yeah.  And my reputation did wonders to promote the Harpies.  After all, who wouldn’t come to a Harpies concert if they had a chance of sleeping with me afterwards?  It’s too bad Samantha and April never had enough musical talent for us to get anywhere.

SAMANTHA
Not this again...

APRIL
I told you this was a bad idea from the beginning...

DARIA
If you want me to follow in your footsteps—

CINDY EUNICE
Oh, no!  I wouldn’t mind having someone else like me around, but I’m not expecting you to do what I did.

APRIL
(under her breath)
Because that would kill any deal we might squeeze out of you.

CINDY EUNICE
No, because it’s the wrong thing for her to do.  I did what I did because that’s what our fans wanted.  They wanted a slut, so I gave them a slut.

TRENT
Shallow, stupid guys mostly wanted that.

CINDY EUNICE
True, but you’ve got to find fans where you can, and with a body like mine—

Monique clears her throat.

CINDY EUNICE
You get the picture.
(beat)
Now you, Daria, have an already-existing fan-base which knows you as Lola, and they love you.  They love your look, your voice, your talent. They love how you’re crazy about Trent and will do anything for him.  You give a lot of people something to hope for in their own love-lives.  You show every outcast that they can fulfill their wildest dreams, and popular people that a seemingly uninteresting outcast may really be the mate they always wanted.  You’d be a fool not to take advantage of this situation.  I don’t think the market’s ready for a “misery chick” music star yet—

DARIA
What about Lisa Loeb?

CINDY EUNICE
She’s not a “misery chick” in the drab sort of way you used to be.  And even if the market’s ready for someone like you used to be, you’d need to rebuild your fan-base from scratch.  Face it:  you’re going to have to be Lola for your fans, whether you want to or not.

DARIA
(to Trent)
Damn.  Even the Bad Fairies think so.  I’m never going to get out of your lap.

TRENT
I warned you, Daria...

DARIA
I know.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Fine.  I was afraid I’d have to do it, even if by crawling back to my parents and begging I did manage to get enough money to pay for college tuition. But, damn it!  I can’t go through life pretending to be a moron!  Do you have any idea how sick I am of people assuming I’m an air-head on first sight, a mere walking piece of meat?

CINDY EUNICE
Don’t worry about it.  I would have preferred if we could have forced you into continuing to pretend to be an idiot—

MONIQUE
Cindy!

CINDY EUNICE
Well, she made a great simple-minded cheerleader.  Why tamper with something that already works?

DARIA
(deadpan)
I’m so happy you’re concerned for my mental well-being.

CINDY EUNICE
Too bad your little sister had to ruin that idea by blabbing to everyone in town that you were back and had turned into Trent’s cheerleader fantasy.

Cindy Eunice sighs.

CINDY EUNICE
Don’t worry.  With the critical commentary you gave on those songs you sang tonight, there’s no question of who you are and how smart you are.

TRENT
(to Daria)
Well, you were going to bring your alter-ego’s character slowly into line with your own personality.

DARIA
True.  I just hope I can do it fast enough.

CINDY EUNICE
You’re most of the way there, Lola.  You did a wonderful job tonight cutting down people who asked for awful songs.  And thanks to Janey and Quinn’s efforts, your stories are very popular; everyone knows an idiot couldn’t have written something like them.

Daria sighs and looks to Trent for confirmation.

DARIA
OK, OK, give us a contract, and we’ll have a lawyer look at it.  If there’s nothing wrong with it, we’ll sign.

CINDY EUNICE
(smiling)
Welcome to Harpies Records, Lola.

DARIA
(cuddling up to Trent for physical comfort)
Oh, God.  What have I done?

Cindy Eunice holds out a hand towards April.

APRIL
I’ll pay you after they sign, misery slut.

EXT. THE LANE HOUSE.

A crowd is still gathered outside, anxiously awaiting the results.

The Harpies (Cindy Eunice as the highly conservative Eunice again, Monique holding a contract), Daria, and Trent (holding comfortingly onto Daria) come out of the house.  As they ascend the stage, the crowd cheers.

MONIQUE
(into a microphone)
Your attention, please.  Your attention, please.  I have an announcement to make.

The crowd quiets down a bit.

MONIQUE
(into microphone)
Lola and Trent have reached a decision.  They are going to go home with Lola’s parents, and if Lola’s mother, the famous lawyer Helen Morgendorffer, finds nothing wrong with our contract—
(holds up the contract for all to see)
—they’ll sign.

The crowd cheers ecstatically.

MONIQUE
So, people—

The crowd continues cheering.

MONIQUE
People, if I can have your attention for a bit longer, please...

The crowd quiets down a bit.

MONIQUE
You have the house completely surrounded.  Please evacuate a row down the middle of the front lawn so Lola, Trent, and their family members can proceed quickly to her parents’ house and get that contract signed

Monique hands the contract to Trent.  The crowd parts down the middle as Daria and Trent descend from the stage amidst a standing ovation.  They meet up with Jane, Quinn, Jake, and Helen (holding Elaine) in the sidelines, and all of them proceed down the evacuated passage.  People make lots of silly noises and yell things like “I love you, Lola!” as Daria and Trent pass by. Daria, smiling, waves back.

DARIA
Thank you!  I love you all!

Trent looks very worried, especially when Daria starts hugging people.

INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Trent sits in a chair with Daria in his lap, cuddled up close to him, with his hand up the back of her shirt, and ignoring her parents.  Jane is sketching them.  Jake is holding Elaine.  Helen is looking over the contract.  Neither Jake nor Helen looks particularly comfortable.  Quinn is taking notes on Daria’s appearance.

HELEN
I’m very impressed.  I’m no expert on the music industry, but this has to be a very generous recording contract.  I still don’t understand how an unsuccessful band put anything like this together, even that sweet Blenko girl.

ELAINE
Gah!

TRENT
They’re not just a band.  All of the Harpies are geniuses. They graduated from college by the time they were 16, they’d made a lot of money from this amplifier gizmo they invented, and they felt like starting a band.

QUINN
I heard they were trust-fund brats, but then I heard something about them robbing a bank—

JANE
Well, whatever money they’ve been using to live on, they’re not using it for their new company.

TRENT
And how would you know, Janey?  It’s not like you ever cared to hang around with them.

JANE
They’ve been asking everyone in town who has money to invest in “Harpies Records": the Griffins, the Blum-Decklers, the Taylors, the Sloanes, the Rowes, the Ruttheimers, the Mor—

Helen clears her throat.

JANE
Eunice bragged to me about how she coerced her boyfriend into getting a lot of the funding they needed.  Then she hired me to handle the visual arts aspects of this project.

TRENT
Damn.  This thing’s just getting deeper and deeper.

HELEN
Well, I’d sign, if I were you.  This could be a great opportunity for you both.

JAKE
Yeah!  I wish I could have been in a band.  Why, I remember when my dad bought me a trombone.  I practiced hard for months—

QUINN
Daddy!  Not another story about how Grampa got mad at you for something that wasn’t your fault!

JAKE
Actually, that was the one thing he supported me in.

QUINN
Really?

JAKE
Yeah.  He cried when I didn’t make the school band.
(to Daria)
I really envy you, kiddo.  I wish I could be in your place.

Daria ignores Jake

JAKE
Lola, are you OK?

Daria continues ignoring Jake.

TRENT
She really doesn’t want to say anything.

HELEN
Why not?

TRENT
She’s busy trying to think, and not only would having a conversation distract her from trying to think her way out of the situation we’re in, but she’s also afraid if she has to talk to you, you’ll start pushing her to do more of what she did back in Leeville than she’s already doing now, like use her perky voice rather than her old monotone.

QUINN
(to Daria)
But that’s silly!  Why wouldn’t you want to speak in a voice people like? I don’t see why you’d want to speak in a monotone anyway, so droning and—

Daria glares at Quinn.

QUINN
Eep!

HELEN
(forced)
Lola, you don’t have anything to be ashamed of.  Though your father and I panicked when you first came back to Lawndale, we’re happy that you’ve finally come out of your shell—

DARIA
(monotone)
My name is “Daria”, and I never came out of my shell.  The whole Lola act is a shell.  I only developed the look and the voice, used my middle name, and pretended to be a dumb bimbo because I needed to appear to be most definitely not myself.  Though I may be stuck playing Lola for a living if I don’t want to end up doing something a lot less dignified, there is no way in Hell I’m going to let anyone coerce me into being anyone but Daria on my own time.  Since I do not need to look like this except for concerts, excuse me while I reclaim my old outfits so no one needlessly mistakes me for a sweet ex-cheerleader ever again.

Daria climbs out of Trent’s lap and heads towards her room, pulling off the rubber bands holding her pigtails together as she goes.

HELEN
But—

TRENT
Cool.  She looked a lot better in that loose, green jacket.

JANE, QUINN, JAKE, AND HELEN
What?

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

Elaine has somehow ended up back in Murray’s lap.

ELAINE
That’s not funny, Dad.

TRENT
It’s not a joke.  I really do think your mother looks better in more modest clothing.

Daria kisses Trent.

ELAINE
But why?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Mom’s in her 30s, and she still looks great.  Don’t you like being able to appreciate her form?

TRENT
I’d have to be blind not to, but, still, she looked good back in high school.

ELAINE
Ugh!  What’s wrong with you?

MURRAY
Well, he’s got a point.  The Lola look can be somewhat overwhelming.  And you do look better in that gray thing you usually wear when you’re not at home.

ELAINE
If I didn’t know you were lying through your teeth in a blatant attempt to appease my parents, I’d hurt you.

INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, DARIA LOLA’S ROOM.

The closet is clearly empty, and Daria is going through the drawers of her dresser, while Quinn looks on pleadingly.  The room has been stripped bare.

DARIA
(highly displeased)
Quinn, where is everything I own?

QUINN
I was just trying to understand you so I could find you.  And I had to pay a lot of people to agree to tell me if you and Trent ever showed up where they were, so I really didn’t have much of a clothing budget left, even with the money I got from selling a few of your stories.  Since we’re pretty close in size, using your clothes seemed like a good idea at the time.

DARIA
Even my underwear?

QUINN
Well, no one was going to see it.  Max and I never got that far before we split up.

DARIA
Did you have to raid my other stuff, too?

QUINN
Um, that falls under the category of trying to understand you.  I’m starting to develop a taste for Kafka.

DARIA
Just so long as you didn’t read my diary.

QUINN
(nervously giggling)
Uh, yeah.  Why would I do that?

Daria storms angrily out of the room.

QUINN
(following)
Lola!  I didn’t read all those explicit fantasies about Trent!  Honest!

INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN’S ROOM.

The portrait of Daria and Trent sleeping (Platonically!) in Trent’s room is on the makeup table, showing Daria in Trent’s loving embrace.

Quinn is standing facing the closet.

DARIA
(out of view)
Damn it!  Damn it!  Damn it!

QUINN
Lola—

DARIA
(coming out of the closet)
That’s “Daria”!

QUINN
Please, try to understand—

DARIA
Understand what?  That while I was gone, you emptied out my closet, and now every single piece of clothing I owned is gone?  How could this happen, Quinn?  You know I don’t want to keep looking like this all the time.

QUINN
Well, I’m sorry, Lola, but the rest of the Fashion Club and I had a little talk with Eunice, and seeing how much your look has improved, we decided it’s best that you not have your old clothes around. You’re going to be Lola the Pop Music Star from now on, and we don’t want you to be tempted to go back to being Daria the Misery Chick.

DARIA
Oh, great.  Now I have to go shopping, or I’ll be stuck looking like Brittany.  Ugh!

QUINN
Come on, Lola; it’s not that bad.

DARIA
It might be bad if you keep calling me by my middle name.

Quinn makes Daria face the mirror on the closet door.

QUINN
You’re practically perfect now.  You’re not just the brain you were a year ago; you’re gorgeous, and what you do on stage brings a lot of joy into people’s lives.  If you weren’t already married and visibly in love with Trent, all the single guys in town would kill just for the chance to go out with you.  And you’re better inside, too.  Jane told me everything your friend Clementine told her about all the nice things you did in Leeville.  It’s wonderful the way you gave money and food to homeless people and helped people with their problems.

DARIA
Are you trying to bring me over to the Dark Side of the Force?

QUINN
It’s not like this is the first time you’ve been perky and beautiful.

DARIA
I was infected by camp spirit and came to my senses once the infection cleared up.

QUINN
Don’t be silly!  If it was really due to an infection, you wouldn’t have gotten the exact same bug three times.  There is such a thing as acquired immunity; you know.

DARIA
Did you swallow an encyclopedia while I was gone?

QUINN
Don’t fight it, Lola; the new look really works for you.  Trent may say he wants you back in your old clothes, but considering how he can’t keep his eyes and hands off you, I’m sure he won’t miss them too much.
(whispering)
Even with his first love Monique in the room, it’s you he’s looking at. I’ve never seen any man so entranced by a woman before.

DARIA
(dreamily)
Oh, yeah...

QUINN
Now, if we were to take another inch or two off the bottom of your shirt—

DARIA
Hmm...  Quinn-dear, do you have any halter-tops?  I’ve been feeling like showing off my shoulders for Trent lately, but I didn’t see anything in Leeville which—

Daria looks horrified.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!

Daria tries to run away, but Quinn grabs her by the wrist.

QUINN
I’m sorry, Lola!  I’m just trying to be sisterly.  I haven’t had much of a chance to see you since you got back—

DARIA
(annoyed)
You and the rest of the Fashion Club spent two hours making me look pretty and coercing me into wearing contacts.

QUINN
I haven’t had much of a chance to see you without my friends around.  When they’re around, I can’t be as close to you as I’d like to be.  They’ve gotten deeper since you last saw them, but they’re still not like us.  They’re not as smart as we are.  I know we haven’t gotten along much in the past, but it’s good to have you with us again, and not just as a Fashion Club outreach project.  I’ve learned the hard way that you’re a much more beautiful person on the outside and the inside than I ever thought before, and I’m proud that you’re my sister.  If you ever want to... talk about what you went through, I’m here for you, any time at all.  I love you, sis.

DARIA
(touched)
Aw, thanks, Quinn!  I—
(beat)
Damn it, Quinn!  Stop playing on my feelings!

INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Jane, Trent, Helen, Jake, and Elaine are where they were previously.  Daria comes down the steps, followed quickly by a pleading Quinn.

QUINN
Please, Lola!  I didn’t mean anything bad!

JANE
(to Helen and Jake)
See:  it was a bad idea.  You should have consulted with me first.

QUINN
Please, Lola—

DARIA
Leave me alone, Quinn.

HELEN
(as Daria reaches the end of the stairs)
Lola, is something wrong?

DARIA
(deadpan)
My old life is completely destroyed.  Couldn’t be better.
(beat)
Trent, there’s nothing left for me here.  We might as well leave.

TRENT
That bad, huh?

JAKE
But, Lola, this is your home!

HELEN
Yes, please, spend the night, sweetie.  It’s been so long since we last saw you.

DARIA
(reaching Jake)
Did you let C. Eunice Blenko and Quinn’s little friends cart off what was left of my old clothes?

HELEN
Well, it’s not like you would ever use them again.  They were wearing out.

JAKE
You never really did want to dress like that anyway.

Jake swallows.

JAKE
I’m sorry we gave you such a small clothing budget, kiddo.  We unfairly favored Quinn over you.  We’d like to—

DARIA
Is everyone around here a pod?  The idiot masses of this town I could believe thinking I want to look this way, but you?  I thought you two were starting to understand me better in that last year before I disappeared, but you just showed me you know nothing about why I dressed as I did, as if I really wanted stupid guys to fawn all over me.

Daria takes Elaine from Jake.

DARIA
Trent...

TRENT
(standing up)
I know:  let’s go home and try to figure out what we do now.

HELEN
But, sweetie—

DARIA
Don’t “sweetie” me.  I’m not a little kid, no matter how sweet and innocent I look now.  I’m 19, soon to be 20, old enough to know when I’ve been betrayed. There’s next to nothing of Daria left in this house; everything I had here is gone, taken either by Quinn or by people who don’t care for me as a person—with your permission, to make things worse.  I can’t stand to live here anymore; it would just be too painful.  Good-bye.

Quinn, in tears, runs back up the stairs.

JAKE
(running after Quinn)
Quinn!

HELEN
(walking after Jake)
Jake, Quinn, get your butts back down here right now!

Jane applauds.

JANE
Bravo!  Bravo!  You go, girlfriend!

DARIA
Are you coming, Janey?

JANE
(standing up)
Of course I am.  I’m dying for another chance to paint you while you’re still using the Lola look.

DARIA
I’ve died and gone to Hell.

JANE
Hey, we need more brains as subjects of art and fewer bimbos.  Trust me, Lola. It’ll all be tasteful, and Trent will enjoy whatever I create..

Daria rolls her eyes as she, Trent, and Jane head for the front door. Trent opens said door to find Monique, April, and Samantha on the other side, an anxious crowd behind them.

MONIQUE
So, have you signed the contract yet?

DARIA
After what you pulled with my clothes, forget it.

SAMANTHA
Those were donations for our clothing drive for the homeless.

DARIA
I don’t care what you claim.  If you’re going to go behind our backs like that, there’s nothing you can say that’ll make me willing to work for you.

APRIL
I’d like to see how you’re going to support Elaine on minimum wage.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

The crowd can be heard cheering increasingly loudly outside.

Upchuck is sitting on the sofa, Cindy Eunice (as Eunice) in his lap.  Upchuck is trying to make out with Cindy Eunice, and he has his hand up the back of her jacket.  However, Cindy Eunice is trying to talk on a cell phone.

CINDY EUNICE
(into phone)
Uh-huh.
(beat)
Uh-huh.
(beat)
I hope you have watched the footage.  They did a story yesterday on the bar she worked at on Sick, Sad World, and she just appeared on every station in the area.
(beat)
In that case, I would have someone on the Internet around the clock, prowling the file-sharing systems like Gnutella and OpenNapster for anything of Lola’s. There were music pirates at the concert tonight who I know are going to be posting what they personally recorded.  Trust me:  once you have seen—
(pushes Upchuck’s face away from hers)
—Lola performing, you will be begging for her to use your songs in a commercial concert.
(beat)
Call me back just as soon as you have had your first Lola experience.  I expect to be up all night.  You will never regret it.

Cindy Eunice hangs up, and as soon as she does, Upchuck tries initiating lip-lock, but Cindy Eunice pushes his face away again.

UPCHUCK
(removing the hairpin holding Cindy Eunice’s bun together)
My rare flower, this is not a time for throwing yourself into your work. It is a time for celebration.  Not to mention that you agreed—

CINDY EUNICE
I know:  you have earned a great amount of my gratitude, and I am happy to be of service.  But I am not a mere sex object.  I am handling marketing and public relations for Harpies Records, and the company needs me tonight. We cannot afford to let the opportunity of a lifetime slip through our fingers.

UPCHUCK
(starting to unbutton Cindy Eunice’s jacket)
But you ought to be able to spare a little time alone with me.

CINDY EUNICE
I can spare a little time, but not enough if you really insist on making love to me as Eunice again.  It took an hour of romancing just to get me out my clothes last time.  What if I were to just strip so you can have me as Cindy?  I can have you drained of all strength in half an hour, 45 minutes tops.

UPCHUCK
(sighing)
It wouldn’t be the same.

CINDY EUNICE
Charles, most guys would jump at the chance for ten minutes with me as Cindy.  You may be the best bed-partner I have had so far, but please, what the Hell is wrong with you and your weird fetish?

UPCHUCK
My precious, we reached a new pinnacle of emotional intimacy the last time we did it with you as Eunice.

CINDY EUNICE

Charles, the whole point of developing the Eunice persona was so I could get things done without my libido getting in the way.  No one feels sexy in plaid, and you seem to be the only man on the planet besides Trent who ever was attracted to me like this.  Are you really sure you want me like this?  I have a new belly dancer outfit I have been dying to try out...

UPCHUCK
After last night, mere carnal pleasure is no longer enough.  I am most definitely in a Eunice mood...

Upchuck thrusts both hands up the back of Cindy Eunice’s jacket and initiates lip-lock.

Amidst a huge amount of cheering from the people outside, enter Daria (holding Elaine), Trent (an arm around Daria’s waist), and Jane through the front door.

DARIA
(involuntarily and very cheerleader-like)
Ew!  That’s so disgusting!  How could anyone even think of kissing Upchuck?

Cindy Eunice breaks lip-lock and gets out of Upchuck’s lap.

CINDY EUNICE
(mumbling)
Sorry.

TRENT
Just what are you two doing in my house?

UPCHUCK
Someone had to watch the place while you were at the Morgendorffers’.

CINDY EUNICE
Not to mention that I needed a place to get to work.

JANE
That would be consistent with this thing I heard from Sandi, who heard it from Stacy, who heard it from Tiffany, who heard it from Quinn, who overheard you talking to Monique, who said something about you signing a contract with Satan that you’d sleep—

UPCHUCK
Miss Lane, you do not need to make such vile and absurd accusations.  Eunice and I are in love, much as your best friend and brother are.

CINDY EUNICE
The cheerleaders of Lawndale have been feeling deprived ever since we got together.

Cindy Eunice kisses Upchuck.

DARIA
I don’t care!  I’m tired, my life just went to Hell, and I want some time only among people I can stand.  Please leave.  You’re grossing me out.  I can’t imagine any woman even letting Upchuck touch her, must less make out with her.

UPCHUCK
You’d be surprised.  My priceless gem isn’t the first by any account.

TRENT
Listen, you creeps:  scram.  This is my house.

CINDY EUNICE
I try to do something nice for an old lover—

TRENT
Good-bye, Cindy.

CINDY EUNICE
(as she and Upchuck stand up; with a smile)
As you wish, Trent.  But if there is anything you need, I will be around.

Exit a smiling Cindy Eunice (with hip sway) and Upchuck (an arm around Cindy Eunice’s waist).

JANE
Now that they’re gone, what do you say you two pose—

DARIA
Janey!

JANE
What?

Daria sighs.

DARIA
We’ve got more important things to do.  I’ve got to call my aunt Amy.  Maybe she can get me out of this mess we’re in.

JANE
I wouldn’t bother if I were you.

TRENT
Janey, if you’re trying to keep Daria from—

JANE
Quinn tried calling her today already.  She’s not home.  She wasn’t home yesterday either, which is why I had to get Monique to drive me to Leeville.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!  What about Jodie and Mack?

JANE
Not in town.  Not sure where I put their phone number anyway.  So you might as well pose—

TRENT
Daria, isn’t it about time you fed the baby?

DARIA
Yeah.

Daria (still carrying Elaine) heads towards the kitchen.

JANE
Hey!  Wait for me!

DARIA
Leave me alone, Janey.  This is one thing I do alone.

Exit Daria with Elaine.

JANE
(trying to follow)
Aw, come on—

TRENT
(grabbing Jane by her lapels)
Listen, Janey—

JANE
Hey!

TRENT
What the Hell is wrong with you?  Daria’s suffering, and you’re making things worse.  Didn’t you see enough of her naked when you two took gym together?

JANE
Trent, she never worked up a sweat in gym, so I never saw her showering. Her locker was in the most secluded part of the room; and she wouldn’t let me look at her when she was in just her underwear.  I never knew she could look so good.  Why do you think I’m so excited?

TRENT
Well, you’d better get unexcited real fast, or else.

JANE
Trent, it’s my job to do art based on Lola—

TRENT
Her name is “Daria”, and don’t you forget it!

JANE
It’s still my job to make art based on her.

TRENT
Well, you’d better start planning art based on her back in her old clothes, because that’s what she’s going to be wearing soon.

Jane looks disappointed.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LAUNDRY ROOM.

Daria (pigtails in her hair again, still wearing contacts, barefoot), smiling, and humming something suspicious, is putting dirty clothes into the washing machine.  The drier is already running.

SUPER:  MONDAY, 24 JUNE 2002

JANE
(out of view)
Hey, Lola!  Where are you?  Two of the Harpies and a pervert are here.

Enter Jane, unnoticed by Daria.

JANE
There you are.

DARIA
(singing softly and even dancing)
... Give me a sign.
Hit me, baby, one more time...

JANE
Lola!  What the Hell are you singing?

DARIA
(suddenly becoming aware of Jane; monotone)
Janey?

Daria takes a look around.

DARIA
Damn.  I’m never going to get over sleepwalking.

JANE
So that’s why you were singing that Britney Spears song.

DARIA
Ugh!
(beat)
So I was singing that song and doing laundry.

JANE
Your sleepwalking would explain why it’s so clean around here.  After all, someone’s cleared a lot of the dust out of the living room, there aren’t any clothes on the floor in the hall, and there’s a warm tray of muffins on the stove.

DARIA
Um, we were visited by Martha Stewart?

JANE
Aw, that’s so sweet!  You’ve really got it bad for Trent!

DARIA
No, I don’t.

JANE
You never let Ted or Tom do the Lola-and-Trent with you.

DARIA
Is that what they’re calling full-contact kissing now?

JANE
Well, yeah.  I talked to a few people at the block party after Trent threw me out of the house for an hour while you fed my favorite niece, and that’s the term they used.  Knowing you, you would have killed Tom if he’d dared put his hands inside your clothes, so you’ve got to have it really bad for my brother.

DARIA
I hate you, Janey.

JANE
Oh, Monique and Eunice want to talk to you and Trent, but I can’t get the lucky guy out of bed.  I don’t remember him being that hard to wake up.

DARIA
If you want to wake up Trent, all you have to do is kiss him on the lips.

JANE
Ugh!  That’s my own brother we’re talking about!

DARIA
I’ll handle it.  Go make me some coffee; will you?  I don’t think I eat anything when I’m sleepwalking, and I’m starting to drag.

JANE
No problema, sister-in-law.

DARIA
(a bit too perky)
Thanks!

Daria exits.

Jane raises an eyebrow before exiting herself.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

The room is much cleaner than it was the previous night, and there are boquets of flowers, presumably from fans, all over the place.  Monique sits on one end of the sofa, looking irritated, while on the other end sits Upchuck (in a three-piece suit), performing the Lola-and-Trent with Cindy Eunice (as Eunice).  Both of the Harpies look a bit red-eyed.  Enter Daria and Trent, each with an arm around the other’s waist.

DARIA
Ugh!

MONIQUE
(elbowing Cindy Eunice)
OK, stop it, you two.  I’m not the only one who doesn’t approve.

Cindy Eunice and Upchuck come out of lip-lock.  She starts to slip out of his lap, but he wraps his arms around her waist.

TRENT
(sitting down, with Daria climbing into his lap)
Is there some reason you stopped by, or are you trying to keep us annoyed generally?

Trent puts his arm around Daria’s waist.

MONIQUE
Thanks for signing the contract.  Now that that’s done, we have to bring something to market while your popularity still has momentum.  With that in mind, I’ve scheduled for you two to hold a concert here at Casa Lane on the 27th, which is to be recorded live and released as soon as possible afterwards as a CD.

DARIA
Great.  We haven’t recuperated yet from ten months’ worth of trauma, and you want us to give another concert only half a week after the first one.

CINDY EUNICE
Well, we do need something to sell, and unless you want us to start selling copies of the Sick, Sad World footage—

DARIA
Ugh!

CINDY EUNICE
Do not knock it.  It is doing a lot to boost your popularity.  A lot of sites on the Internet are getting clogged with hits just by posting it.  People are already begging to buy something, anything by you.  Since we do need to release a product, it would be a viable alternative to the quick release of an album.  Fox is very much willing to give you complete ownership of the footage in exchange for not being sued for reckless endangerment.

TRENT
Well, we do want ownership of the footage.

DARIA
And we want it burned.

UPCHUCK
But, lovely Lola, it would be a crime against humanity to destroy such a great work of art.

DARIA
And another thing:  what are you doing here?

UPCHUCK
Why,the Ruttheimer family has invested more money in Harpies Records than anyone else.  I just want to make sure our investment is handled properly.

TRENT
But why would you want to invest your money with the Harpies?

UPCHUCK
Well, it is as close to a sure thing as there is.  And, I might add, Eunice gave me that extra incentive to convince my family as a whole to invest heavily in Harpies Records.  I really won the jackpot when they made the decision final at the concert.

Upchuck growls and passionately kisses Cindy Eunice.

DARIA
Monique, I suddenly don’t despise you so much.

TRENT
Eunice, even you, the only woman to ever have taken off her clothes in front of strange men for fun, have never sunk that low before, and I’m ashamed to have ever met you.

CINDY EUNICE
(breaking lip-lock)
Relax, Trent.  I was going out with him even before you two disappeared, and in all this time he has been the kindest, gentlest, most sensitive guy I have ever known.

TRENT
But when did you start sleeping with him?

CINDY EUNICE
I have no reason to feel bad about what I have done.  Charles has done a lot to make Harpies Records a reality, so why should I not reciprocate with an expression of gratitude?  Everybody does it in one way or another.  If we are going to criticize anyone, just what is Lola getting from you in exchange for pandering to your every—

Monique clears her throat.

MONIQUE
Since you don’t want to market the Sick, Sad World footage, Lola, you’d better be ready on the 27th for another concert.

CINDY EUNICE
I am certain you can find plenty of people around town willing to suggest songs for you two to play for practice.

DARIA
Great.  Yet another stunning performance of “Baby One More Time”.
(beat)
Don’t tell me you actually got permission—

CINDY EUNICE
Not yet.  We are working on getting permission to use the hundred songs most likely to be requested, including “Baby One More Time”.  Spears’s people are squeamish, but I believe I can convince them.

DARIA
Damn.  I’m going to have to work on offending her.

TRENT
You’d better pack the lawn with people who have some taste in music.  There are a lot of songs we don’t want to be associated with permanently.

MONIQUE
It’s a little late for that.  So don’t lie around moping; I want to see you practicing today and every day for the rest of your lives for a few hours.

CINDY EUNICE
(to Daria)
And this time do not resist being perfect.

MONIQUE
Eunice—

DARIA
Excuse me?

TRENT
She’s always perfect.

Trent kisses Daria, making her smile.

CINDY EUNICE
What I am trying to say is that the Fashion Club needed half an hour to talk Lola into letting them help her get ready.

DARIA
That’s how long it took them to find a reason I cared about to let them “help” me, and then they took advantage of me when I was vulnerable.  And what does it matter anyway if I get their help or not?  I don’t need it; I’ve learned through osmosis more about fashion than they’ll ever know, and I’ve been spending the past ten months putting it into practice.  Slime-balls were still drooling at the sight of me, even before the Fashion Club discovered I was beautiful and despite the fact I was visibly pregnant.  I could wear a burlap bag, and they wouldn’t care.

CINDY EUNICE
This is the big league.  Everything matters.  Trust me; I speak from experience.  No one wanted to hire the Harpies when we were a bunch of “misery chicks”.  In this business, you have to look the part and act the part, and you have the looks and the persona to out-compete anyone else in the business.

Cindy Eunice slips out of Upchuck’s lap, picks up a briefcase, and opens it.

CINDY EUNICE
I think the petitions that circulated at the concert will speak for themselves.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
These are from people who want you to keep on using your Lola persona and appearance at concerts.

DARIA
I was not using my Lola persona last night.

CINDY EUNICE
(with appropriate imitation)
Your voice was perky, you said things like “I’m so happy to be here!” and “I love you all!”, you hugged a lot of people, and you engaged in excessive public displays of affection with Trent.  None of that is characteristic of your old Daria persona.

TRENT
A lot of what she said and did was very un-Lola.

CINDY EUNICE
True, but complaining about lousy songs and punching out an idiot are acceptable trade-offs for having her recognizable as the ex-cheerleader from that episode of Sick, Sad World.  She has been conditioned to be Lola for her fans, and her fans overwhelmingly want her to stay that way.

DARIA
Go to Hell, Eunice.

CINDY EUNICE
I suppose I will end up there.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
These are from people who want you to keep on using your Lola persona and appearance always in public.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
From people who want you to keep on using your Lola persona and appearance even in private.

DARIA
Excuse me?

TRENT
Hell, no!

CINDY EUNICE
As I said, they love you as Lola.  The cheerleader persona is irresistible, and a lot of people want you to never stop using it.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
These are from people who want you to show off more skin.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
From people who want you to bare it all.

DARIA
Ugh!

CINDY EUNICE
Get over your petty prudishness.  My occasional public nudity did wonders for the Harpies.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
These are from people who want you and Trent to do it on-stage.
(pulling out a thick stack of papers and plopping it on the coffee table)
These are from people who want to sleep with you themselves—

DARIA
Enough, already!

CINDY EUNICE
(being pulled back into Upchuck’s lap)
And this is just in Lawndale.  So quit complaining about how much you hate looking like Lola, sounding like Lola, being Lola, because that is your job, and because you have become Lola already.  Face it, kid:  Daria is dead.  She died on the run from the Mafia.  You might have Daria’s memories and intelligence, but you are most definitely Lola.  You are wearing the clothes, you are not wearing a bra—

DARIA
Hey!  You were the one who stole my old clothes.

CINDY EUNICE
No, your parents donated them.  And that has nothing to do with why you are wearing makeup, you smell like a daisy, your hair has bouncity-bounce, every move you make is infused with grace and perkiness, you cannot get out of Trent’s lap, and you do not give a second thought to letting him touch you in public anywhere he feels like it, including under your clothes.  You are even shifting position as if you want him to get a great view of your cleavage.  And let me remind you how quickly you slipped into your Lola behaviors last night. Take my advice and give in completely to the persona.  I went through a period of adjustment when I revived my Cindy persona, too, but after a week straight as a “misery slut”, I found myself enjoying letting my libido be my guide without the slightest regret.  Considering how pathologically in love with Trent you are, unable to resist his desires, you will definitely enjoy becoming his unconditional love-slave.

Daria glares at Cindy Eunice.

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

MURRAY
She was the one who convinced you to look and sound like that?  How could you listen to her?

DARIA
(Lola voice)
It’s not that simple.  It wasn’t like she was telling me anything that anyone else wasn’t.  Keep in mind that I’d spent ten months pretending to be someone I wasn’t, doing everything to make people think I was a dumb bimbo with musical talent—and I’d often do this all day.  When we got back to Lawndale, a lot of people wanted me to stay that way, even though neither Trent nor I wanted me to continue dressing like an ex-cheerleader or being perky.

ELAINE
You’re making it sound like looking hot is a bad thing!

DARIA
Didn’t Murray say a little while ago you look better dressed modestly?

ELAINE
He didn’t mean it, Mom!

DARIA
Uh-huh.  There was also one more factor behind me keeping the look: Eunice wasn’t taking “no” for an answer, as demonstrated already by her taking my old clothes.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

MONIQUE
And while we’re lecturing you, don’t fall back into your old habits and be reclusive.

TRENT
Why?  We’ve got a lot of sleep to catch up on.

MONIQUE
From how many previous lives of insomnia?

DARIA
OK, we don’t want to.  We desperately need a vacation.  Staying home, away from so many people we don’t like, is the closest we’re going to get to that for a while.

MONIQUE
We’re not asking you to spend all day making a public appearance at the Giant Strawberry.  Just go to a few restaurants, do a few interviews, perform the Lola-and-Trent in front of a crowd...

DARIA
Oh, yeah.  That really puts me in the mood to be social and perky.

CINDY EUNICE
Sarcasm aside, you really do need to be social and perky.  A number of prominent people in town have invested in your future, and they want to make absolutely sure that no one forgets about you.  It is imperative that you keep them happy, because otherwise we all could be in big trouble.

DARIA
Whoopee.

UPCHUCK
I also pulled a few strings, and Waif is sending someone to interview you tomorrow.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Just what I need so I can finally die happy.

TRENT
Is there anything else you care to spring on us while you’re at it?  There are things we need to do today.

MONIQUE
Yes.  We want to take over a few of your spare rooms for a while.

TRENT
I don’t care how badly you and the other Harpies want me back, I’m not interested. I’m a one-woman man.

UPCHUCK
(holding Cindy Eunice tight)
You certainly can’t have Eunice.  She’s mine, and I don’t intend to share her .

Upchuck initiates lip-lock with Cindy Eunice.

MONIQUE
If there’s one thing we need immediately, it’s office space.  We never expected to need to put Harpies Records together as fast as we are now.  Until last night, it was little more than a shell corporation.  We won’t have time to go shopping for headquarters until after we get your first album shipping.

DARIA
So use your house.

MONIQUE
I don’t have a house.  I share an apartment with Cindy.

CINDY EUNICE
(barely breaking lip-lock)
No, with Eunice.  You freak out if I dare be Cindy in there.

MONIQUE
With good reason.  I like being able to sleep at night.
(to Daria and Trent)
In any case, we don’t have the room to work in our apartment, and before you even suggest it, Samantha and April’s apartment is even smaller.

DARIA
And what about Upchuck’s house?

UPCHUCK
I’m afraid, lovely Lola, that it’s not my house.  It’s my parents’, and they draw the line at us taking over the amount of space we’d need for Harpies Records.

DARIA
Are you sure—

MONIQUE
Yes, we’re sure.  We don’t have the room, and we desperately need it.  And since you have it, and your future’s now in our hands...

DARIA
Forget it.  After what you people pulled yesterday—

MONIQUE
 “Hi.  My name is Daria.  Would you like fries with your burger?”

Daria and Trent exchange a look.

TRENT
Will three bedrooms and a pottery shed be enough?

EXT. COURTHOUSE.

Daria (her hair hanging freely, no glasses, looking a little depressed) and Trent (arm around Daria’s waist) come out of the courthouse and start down the street.

TRENT
You know, I thought you’d be happier.  I just kept my promise and married you.

DARIA
And I am grateful.  It’s just looking like this and—

PASSING NEVER-NAMED CHEERLEADER
Great concert last night!

DARIA
(perky)
Thanks!

CHEERLEADER
You two are, like, the perfect couple.  I wish my boyfriend and I could be so close.  Keep up the good work!

The passing cheerleader moves out of view.

DARIA
(monotone)
You’re not the problem.  The problem is I’ve been stuck with a persona I don’t want to keep, and I’m afraid I’m going to go crazy.  I don’t think I can survive five more years of playing a bimbo.

TRENT
You didn’t act like a bimbo last night.

DARIA
Right.  I was just the only cheerleader in Mensa.
(beat)
Sorry.

TRENT
It’s alright.

DARIA
I know I wasn’t going to get out of being Lola on-stage, but Eunice clearly wants me to be Lola all the time, and if she’s not lying, so do a lot of people in Lawndale.  Given what happens automatically if things get too public, I think I’m justified in feeling paranoid about a lot going wrong in any attempts I might make at reclaiming my identity as a misery chick.  Certainly looking like this isn’t going to help.

TRENT
That I can understand.

DARIA
You up for Dega Street?

TRENT
They ought to have something you’ll look good in over there.

DARIA
Glad you concur.  I’d like to do something besides wait for my impending doom, doing nothing more than sitting in your lap and being groped by you.

TRENT
Cool.  You dressing more like you used to would definitely improve—

Daria stops suddenly, experiencing a sudden realization.

DARIA
Trent, how much money do you have?

TRENT
I’ve got cash, Daria.

DARIA
Trent, check your wallet.

TRENT
I got 50 bucks at the ATM the day before yesterday.

DARIA
Trent, check your wallet.  I have a bad feeling.

Trent takes out his wallet and looks inside.

TRENT
I could have sworn I got cash at the ATM.

DARIA
I know I don’t have any cash in my purse; we spent it on registering our marriage, and I think we left our checkbook back at our apartment.

TRENT
Damn.  I knew we should have gotten a credit card in Leeville.

DARIA
Great.  Now we have to go to my parents’ house.  There was some cash in my room ten months ago...

EXT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE.

Daria and Trent (one arm around Daria’s waist) walk up to the front door. Daria rings the doorbell.  Presently the door is answered by Quinn.

QUINN
(embracing Daria)
Lola!  You came back!  It’s so good to see you again, and we’re really sorry about last night.

Daria mumbles something unintelligible.

QUINN
It’s OK, sis.  I shouldn’t have tried pushing you into anything you don’t really want.

Daria mumbles something else.

QUINN
It’s OK, Lola.  It’s OK.

Quinn releases Daria and notices Trent.

QUINN
Oh, hi, Trent.

TRENT
Hey.  Um, you’re not going to hug me or anything?

QUINN
Well, not unless you want me to.

TRENT
Whew.

QUINN
Though I would really like to know—

DARIA
No more mushy stuff, Quinn, please.  You know I can’t stand it.  Not to mention that I’m really here to get that money I stashed under my bed so I can get some decent clothes.

QUINN
It’s not there anymore, Lola.  I spent it on paying off people to tell me if they found out where you were.

DARIA
You what?

QUINN
Well, I’m sorry, Lola, but conducting a nation-wide search isn’t exactly cheap. I had to get money somehow after I used up my clothing allowance.

DARIA
Damn.

TRENT
Hey, Daria, didn’t you have some sort of bank account?

DARIA
Yeah.  Mom made me put that money I made from selling term papers in the bank.
(to Quinn)
Can I assume that money is still there?

QUINN
(nervous giggling)
Well, funny you should ask, because...
(“Please, don’t kill me!”)
... Mom and Dad invested it all in Harpies Records along with your college fund right after Eunice showed them this videotape she got from Samantha and let’s be fair you were like really really good in it and seemed so happy and they thought that’s what you really really wanted and they were like really stressed so they really weren’t thinking straight anyway.

Quinn inhales.

DARIA
And you just stood by and let this happen?

QUINN
Hey!  I did protest... only they really wouldn’t listen to me and told me not to get in the way of you living out your dreams.

DARIA AND TRENT
Damn.

QUINN
You said it.  It’s no wonder they were so surprised last night.  Right after you left, they got seriously drunk.  I’ve never seen anything like this before.  They’re still out cold.

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

TRENT
They’re going to be no help.

DARIA
There go my new clothes.

QUINN
Oh, if it’s clothing you want, you can have some of my outfits.

DARIA
Argh!

Daria and Trent walk away, displeased.

QUINN
What?

EXT. THE LANE HOUSE.

Samantha is hammering a sign reading “THE MEDIA AND SYCOPHANTS BY INVITATION ONLY” into the front lawn.  Cindy Eunice (as Eunice) is unloading a few boxes from Monique’s car.  The Tank is parked in front of the house, its hood open and with some smoke coming out of it.  Bing and the Spatula Man (from “Jake of Hearts”) are begging.

BING
Please!

SPATULA MAN
She’d be perfect for the show!

SAMANTHA
Scram!  Your offer is insulting, and what you suggest is demeaning.  Show up here again, and I’m calling the police.

Bing and the Spatula Man walk sadly away.

Daria and Trent (one arm around Daria’s waist) approach.

TRENT
Eunice, we need an advance.

CINDY EUNICE
Trent, this is not the time to buy that barrel of monkeys you have always wanted to get just to find out how fun it is.  We may have investors, but they are only giving us enough money to operate, not to make frivolous purchases.

DARIA
This isn’t frivolous.  I need new clothes.

CINDY EUNICE
That is different.  You want something out of the more tasteful portion of my Cindy wardrobe?  We are about the same size.

DARIA
(getting excited)
Really?  I’d—

Trent clears his throat.

DARIA
No thanks.  I need something to wear when I’m not performing.

SAMANTHA
Didn’t you dress in Leeville all the time as you do now?

DARIA
How would you know?

SAMANTHA
I talked to your friend Clementine last night.  She’s a complete bore, but it seems you had no hang-ups over showing off your body all the time, even when you weren’t around Trent.

DARIA
OK, fine, I dressed like this even off-stage in Leeville, but that’s not the point.  These outfits are thin and wear out quickly.  I can’t just keep wearing stuff like this all the time and expect it to last, especially since I didn’t bring much in the way of clothes back from Leeville.  I need more clothes, and they have to be more substantial than what I’m wearing now.

CINDY EUNICE
I think how you dressed in Leeville is the point.  This is who you are now:  a sweet, kind girl who embodies selfless love.  You do everything you can to make Trent happy, having started with showing faith in him when everyone else thought he was nothing more than a talentless, lazy bum and subsequently turning him into a star—and yourself into the woman of his dreams.

TRENT
Now wait a minute—

CINDY EUNICE
The rest of the Harpies and I also remade ourselves.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.

SAMANTHA
Speak for yourself, Cindy.  I’m not the one who exposed herself in public.

CINDY EUNICE
So sue me for doing my best to attract fans.

TRENT
This is not how I want Daria to look at all.

CINDY EUNICE
Yeah, right.  Notwithstanding your past history with other brainy, beautiful women, during this whole conversation you have been admiring Lola’s form, both by vision and touch.

DARIA AND TRENT
Hey!

CINDY EUNICE
You have been doing it at least as long as Clementine has known you.  Face it, Trent:  you like her dressing as she does, and considering how you reacted, Lola, when I offered you some of my Cindy outfits, this is how you want to dress.

DARIA
I’m starting to loathe part of myself.

CINDY EUNICE
Uh-huh.  Worry not.  Clothing is my department.  I will talk to the Fashion Club—

DARIA
I don’t need them.

CINDY EUNICE
I am afraid you do.  You are resisting being Lola, and if I just give you a few hundred dollars to buy clothes, no strings attached, you may very well go out and buy a number of drab outfits that you will never wear because you cannot bring yourself to deprive Trent.  We cannot afford that sort of waste right now.

DARIA
You can’t stop me from dressing how I want.

CINDY EUNICE
True, but Harpies Records doesn’t have to buy you any clothes we don’t approve of either.

DARIA
But you do owe me for those clothes of mine you cheated my family out of.

SAMANTHA
Those were donations.  There’s nothing wrong with starting a clothing drive when you’re starting a company.

CINDY EUNICE
We all donated something, even if it was no more than a belly chain and a pair of go-go boots, because we really do care about people.

DARIA AND TRENT
(not buying this)
Uh-huh.

CINDY EUNICE
And do we care about you, which is why we’re trying to keep you on the right path and have hired the Fashion Club.  Your sister and her little friends proved they knew what they were doing last night.  I will have them get to begin work immediately putting together a wardrobe for you that fits your new persona.

DARIA
Excuse me, but I am not keeping that persona off-stage.

Trent kisses Daria.

SAMANTHA
Yeah, right.  Katie said the exact same thing, and she ended up a complete bimbo.

DARIA
Who’s Katie?

CINDY EUNICE
(to Samantha)
I told you not to mention Katie to her.

SAMANTHA
Wind’s wife.  Brilliant kid, but her parents were advertisers who forced her to dress and talk like a ditz and become a cheerleader.  When she quit the cheerleading team out of disgust and stopped wearing her hair in pigtails, they forced her to star in a series of commercials in which she played a mermaid. They figure it was a great way to “bring her up right” and minimize the risk she’d run away.

DARIA
Wait a minute.  My brother-in-law’s wife is Katie the Mermaid from all those stupid fish-related commercials?

SAMANTHA
Yeah.  She got out of the business when she turned 18 and married Wind, who filmed a lot of those advertisements, but she was never quite right after that.  She never did manage to shake that cheerleader persona, no matter how hard she tried.  She’s now Wind’s love-slave even more than you’re Trent’s. Last I heard, she did little but wear her mermaid costume and pose for Wind.

DARIA
Eep!

TRENT
It’s not anywhere near that bad.

SAMANTHA
Want to bet?  Face it:  the way Lola’s been behaving, she’s well on her way to becoming another Katie.

TRENT
This inappropriate comparison of Daria and Katie aside, if you’re not going to give us any money, can we at least borrow a car?  We have some things we want to get out of our apartment in Leeville.

CINDY EUNICE
Negative.

DARIA
How come?

SAMANTHA
Do we have to spell it out?

DARIA
You’re not taking any chances with us you don’t have to.  You’re going to keep us here in Lawndale where you can keep your eyes on us if you can.

SAMANTHA
(sarcastic)
Wow.  You really do have a brain.

Cindy Eunice and Samantha chuckle quietly as Daria and Trent, looking disgusted, enter the house.


INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Daria and Trent enter through the front door.  They collapse on the sofa, Daria in Trent’s lap and losing no time in locking lips with him. 

JANE
(out of view)
I’ve got to start carrying a camera with me all the time.

ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE JANE AND JESSE.

Jesse is sitting in a chair, with Jane in his lap and his hands up the back of her shirt.  Daria looks worried but doesn’t break lip-lock; rather Trent does.

TRENT
(hostile)
Hey!

JESSE
Yo.

JANE
Hey.  Where have you two been?  We’ve been getting worried about you.

JESSE
Yeah.

TRENT
Just what do you think you’re doing, Jesse?  That’s my little sister you’re feeling up.

JESSE
Um—

JANE
Trent, if Lola’s entitled to have the man of her dreams, then I am, too. You know I’ve had a thing for Jesse since I was 12.

TRENT
He never had a thing for you before.

JESSE
Dating Tiffany for a while made me appreciate smart women.

Jesse kisses Jane.

TRENT
You’d better not—

JANE
Trent, we haven’t done anything as bad as you and Lola have done.

TRENT
Even I know you haven’t had the time to have a kid, but—

JANE
Trent, stop hassling me and tell me where you two were and whether I should have been there to photograph silly things the fans did.

TRENT
We were just registering our marriage so there wouldn’t be any question about its legality.

JANE
And you didn’t invite us?  I wanted to be the maid of honor!

TRENT
It wasn’t that big a deal.  We just filled out a form and had a quick ceremony with a justice of the peace.  We’ve been effectively married for a while anyway.

JANE
Yeah, but think of all the wedding presents you could have squeezed out of the town.

Trent slaps himself on the forehead.  Daria glares at Jane.

JANE
Aren’t you going to say anything, Lola?  Jesse’s said more today than you have, probably for the first time in history.

JESSE
Wow.

TRENT
She doesn’t want to talk to anyone.  It was bad enough when she was pretending to be Lola Winters.  It’s worse for her looking like a dumb cheerleader now that everyone knows she’s Daria Morgendorffer, especially when she’s having trouble not slipping back into Lola mode.

JANE
Aw, come on, Lola!  It’s not that bad.  Your friend Clementine thought you were smart as Lola Winters.

DARIA
Clementine thought trees had feelings and that you could use tarot cards to accurately predict the future.  People had to be as dumb as Kevin or Tiffany for her to realize they were idiots.  And would you stop calling me “Lola”, please?

JANE
It’s good to hear you talk again, amiga.

DARIA
(pulling herself as close as possible to Trent)
Leave me alone, Janey.  I’ve got a lot of thinking to do about how to handle this situation, and to do that without obsessing on trivialities or what I just heard happened to Katie, I’m going to need Trent’s help.

JANE
But isn’t resorting to making out the sort of thing a cheerleader would do?

DARIA
I’m aware of the irony.  I’m just used to using making out as a refuge from the hostile world around me where I can think without people bugging me. So if you’ll excuse us...

Daria initiates lip-lock, but immediately breaks it.

TRENT
What?

DARIA
Janey, where’s Laney?  You said you’d watch her.

JANE
Don’t worry.  Nick, Max—

Enter Nick, Max, April, and a semi-goth woman (carrying Elaine) enter the room.  Jane and Jesse perform the Lola-and-Trent during the ensuing conversation.

ELAINE
Gah!

DARIA
(a bit perky)
Hey, Max, Nick, Nick’s girlfriend.

SEMI-GOTH
It’s “Nick’s wife” now.

DARIA
Congratulations!

Daria takes Elaine from Nick’s wife.

DARIA
And how are you doing, Elaine?

Elaine gurgles happily.  Daria notices April.

DARIA
Oh, hi, April.  I don’t care what Eunice wants, I demand more modest clothing, at least to wear at home, or use of a vehicle so we can clear out our apartment in Leeville.

ELAINE
Gah!

APRIL
I didn’t come here to lecture you on the virtues of exhibitionism, not to mention that all clothing requests have to go through C. Eunice anyway. And, no, you can’t use my van or even the Tank.  The thing didn’t even make it over here under its own power; we had to push it the last five blocks. It’s dead, and it’s going to stay that way.

DARIA AND TRENT
Damn.

DARIA
This is a rather convenient time for that to happen.

TRENT
(suspicious)
Interesting coincidences often happen around the Harpies.

APRIL
But I digress from what I came here for.  After I took over Summer’s room, I brought what’s left of Mystik Spiral—

A four-year-old boy runs through the living room, dragging a stuffed elephant after him.

APRIL
—and their manager over here—

TRENT
Mystik Spiral never had a manager.

NICK’S WIFE
I assumed the job when it was clear someone had to do it and none of these guys could.

MAX
I could have—

April clears her throat.

APRIL
As I was saying, I brought what was left of Mystik Spiral and their manager over here to discuss them joining you two on-stage.  Good as you are, two instruments make for a pretty slim sound.

DARIA
I’m not sure about this...

NICK’S WIFE
Oh!  Go ahead and shun us!
(to Trent)
You left your three best friends in a lurch when you ran out on them!

TRENT
I’m sorry, but—

NICK’S WIFE
You have no idea what they went through to get someone to replace you.

TRENT
Look—

NICK’S WIFE
They hired Monique, and now that you’re back in town, she quit!  Damn it, Trent!  My husband needs job security!  Seeing how good you two are, what the Hell are we supposed to do?  Mystik Spiral will never get another gig around here again!
(beat)
Unless you and Lola care to join them.

TRENT
I’m not sure about this—

NICK’S WIFE
What?  Since you and your “love-slave”—

DARIA
I am not a love-slave.

NICK’S WIFE
Close enough.  You’ve already turned yourself into a puerile fantasy for him. Now that you two are famous, are you too good to play with my husband?

TRENT
No, no, that’s not it at all.  It’s—

MAX
Man, I knew this would be the end the Spiral!  You were never a real criminal! You took advantage of poor Daria’s crush on you and turned her into another Cindy!

DARIA
Excuse me?

NICK
Not this again.
(aside to Daria)
He’s just sore that your sister dumped him.

APRIL

People!  Let’s not forget what’s important here:  making Monique suffer.  None of us particularly likes her, and having us all working for Harpies Records will increase the us-to-her ratio and make her life more miserable.

The other adults give mumbles of ascent.

DARIA
Wait a minute.  Trent and I are supposed to be doing an all-requests album. Can you guys handle something like that?

NICK’S WIFE
There is one good thing to come out of Monique having been in the Spiral: they can actually play now.
(to Mystik Spiral)
OK, you slobs, get your stuff out of the van.  I want to see everything set up in the basement in 15 minutes!

Nick and Max run out of the house.

NICK’S WIFE
You, too, Jesse!

Nick’s wife sighs.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT.

Daria, Trent, Max, Nick, and Jesse have their instruments set up and are ready to play.  Jane (sketching the musicians) and Nick’s wife (holding Elaine) are sitting nearby.

DARIA
(monotone)
Don’t tempt me to keep my word when I say that I will kill you, Janey.

JANE
But, Lola—

DARIA
I will not sing “Baby One More Time” one more time.  And my name is “Daria”.

MAX
Great, just great!  I knew this wouldn’t work!

NICK
Shut up, Max.  You know how divas can get.

NICK’S WIFE
April was very specific, Lola:  the first album will be requests-only.  You, Lola—

DARIA
The name is “Daria”!  Keep calling me “Lola”, and I’ll start calling you by that horrid name your parents gave you and you can’t change because they’ll cut you out of their will.

NICK’S WIFE
Fine, Daria.  You’re famous for doing requests.  You have to be prepared for any song the audience wants.

DARIA
I’ll sing almost anything you want, just not that song.  You have no idea how sick I am of it.

Jane sighs.

JANE
OK, OK, I’ll choose another song.  How about... “Oops!  I Did It Again”?

DARIA
You can’t think of a good song?

TRENT
You’re walking on thin ice, Janey.

JANE
I’m sorry, but I take one look at Lola—

Daria clears her throat.

JANE
You’re right.  I shouldn’t be calling you that.
(to Trent)
I take one look at Daria, and I visualize her playing stuff usually associated with blond bimbos.  Come on, with her appearance, the way she moves, the way she’s eager to make out on a moment’s notice, can you imagine her singing “life sucks, I wish I were dead”?

DARIA
I’m starting to think that would make a catchy tune.

NICK’S WIFE
If I may...
(beat)
Stop complaining and just sing the damned song!
(calmer)
Janey’s captured the psychology of the fanatics:  they will want you to perform the sorry stuff that you despise.  So just do it.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Fine.  Just promise me that for the second album we can do our own stuff.

NICK’S WIFE
No problem.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life listening to this garbage. Now hit it, guys.

The musicians start playing.  Max, Nick, and Jesse’s playing is much improved.

DARIA
Oops!...  I did it again.
I played with your heart, got lost in the game.
Oh, baby, baby.
Oops!...  You think I’m in love,
That I’m sent from above.
I’m not that innocent.

You see my problem is this:
I’m dreaming away,
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist.
I cry, watching the days.

Daria starts stops playing and starts dancing.  The other musicians look puzzled.

DARIA
Can’t you see I’m a fool in so many ways.

NICK’S WIFE
Keep going!

DARIA
But to lose all my senses,
That is just so typically me.
Baby, oh—

Oops!...  I did it again.
I played with your heart, got lost in the game.
Oh baby, baby.
Oops!...  You think I’m in love,
That I’m sent from above.
I’m not that innocent.
 
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

Oops!...  I did it again to your heart,
Got lost in this game, oh baby.
Oops!...  You think that I’m sent from above.
I’m not that innocent.

Daria ends the song with a split.

ELAINE
Gah!

Jane bursts into applause.

JANE
Woohoo!  Woohoo!

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

Daria stands up and runs out of the room, crying.

TRENT
(putting down his guitar)
Aw, Hell!

Trent runs out of the room, following Daria.

JESSE
What was that about?

NICK
Don’t you notice anything, man?

MAX
Of course, he didn’t.  He was too busy checking out Lola’s butt.

Nick’s wife slaps Max on the back of his head.

MAX
Ow!

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, RIGHT OUTSIDE TRENT’S (NOW DARIA AND TRENT’S) ROOM.

Daria almost reaches the door when Trent catches her and holds her tight. Daria collapses, crying, on his shoulder.

DARIA
My life is over!

TRENT
Daria—

DARIA
Eunice is right.  I’m not Daria anymore.  I can’t even be Daria in front of your friends in your house.  I might as well just give up and be a bimbo like Katie did.

TRENT
Hell, no!  You deserve better than that.  And before you try using my liking seeing you dressed like this and us being so close against me, let me remind you that it’s Daria I fell in love with.  Sure, your body looks hot and feels nice, but it’s nothing compared with the mind inside the body.  I’ve never been able to stay interested in anyone for more than five minutes who wasn’t smart, witty, and sarcastic.  I’d really hate to never be able to do this again—
(gives Daria a passionate kiss)
—because the woman of my dreams gave up on herself, because she proved everyone right.
(beat)
You stayed Daria for ten months while pretending to be Lola.  I know you’ve got it in you to stay Daria even longer.  You don’t have to pretend anymore. Everyone knows you’re Daria now, and you can be Daria as much as you want. We might have Eunice trying to control your wardrobe, but she can’t change who you are.

DARIA
What about Katie?

TRENT
Katie isn’t a bimbo.  She has a lot of problems in public, but she was working on it, last I heard, and had made some progress.  She was OK so long as Wind held onto her, especially if he was directly touching her skin.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Oh, that’s comforting.

TRENT
Hey, it means there’s hope.  Will you at least promise me to try being Daria, please?

Daria nods.  Trent kisses her, causing her to smile.

INT. GOOD TIME CHINESE RESTAURANT.

At one table are sitting Jane (eating), Jesse (wolfing down food), and Elaine (in a high chair, banging on the tray with a spoon in an unusually musical manner).  There is one free chair.  To some romantic music played on a jukebox are slow-dancing Daria and Trent.  Various other characters are mulling about, eating, or dancing.  The song ends, and Daria, Trent, and the other dancing characters head back to their tables.

DARIA
(as she and Trent reach their table; monotone)
Wasn’t there another chair here?

JANE
Yeah, but—

ELAINE
Gah!

JANE
—some waiter took it away.  They were a bit short at another table.

DARIA
(as Trent sits down)
Oh, that’s just great.

JANE
So just sit in Trent’s lap.

DARIA
Janey, I do not want to sit in Trent’s lap.

TRENT
She’s getting sensitive about us being too affectionate in public.

(to Daria)
If it makes you feel any better about it, I promise I won’t put my hands in your clothes.

DARIA
(sighing)
We’re going to have to have another talk, and this time pay attention to more than just how beautiful my eyes are.

Brooke (from “Too Cute”), dressed as a waitress, approaches.

BROOKE
Lola, is everything OK?

DARIA
No.  My chair disappeared when Trent and I got up to dance.

BROOKE
So why don’t you just sit in Trent’s lap?

DARIA
I’d rather have a chair of my own, please.

BROOKE
But you always sit in his lap, ever since you two got together.

DARIA
And how would you know that?  We only got home yesterday.

BROOKE
Clementine Graham told me.

DARIA
Damn blabbermouth.

BROOKE
Are you mad at Trent, Lola?

DARIA
I don’t have a reason to be.

BROOKE
Then why don’t you want to sit in his lap?  I’ve never seen two people so in love before that they can’t bear to be apart for even a minute.
(beat)
Oh my god!  Don’t tell me you’re no longer in love with Trent!

The room grows strangely quiet.  People stare at Daria.

DARIA
People, I’m crazy about Trent.  He’s the love of my life.  I let him get me into the music industry.  I married him and had his baby.  I do want to make him happy, but I just...

People continue to stare quietly at Daria.  Daria, sighing, sits down in Trent’s lap and locks lips with him.  Many people, including Jane, applaud. Trent starts feeling up Daria’s bare midriff.

ELAINE
Gah!

Brooke walks away.

DARIA
(breaking lip-lock)
I hate you, Janey.

JANE
Why?  Trent’s the one feeling you up.

DARIA
Trent’s used to constantly expressing how he feels about me.  Even if today I was allowed to go back to being Daria the Misery Chick in peace, I doubt I’d get him to keep his hands off of me in public overnight.  I don’t have the stomach the pain I’d need to inflict upon him to get him to stop right now.  What’s your excuse for aiding and abetting the enemy?

JANE
Lola—

DARIA
The name is “Daria”.

JANE
Sorry.  You’re a walking work of art.  People look at you and see a love goddess.

DARIA
Excuse me, but I do not sleep around like Aphrodite, and I can’t make Eunice burst into flames—much as we’d all like to see that.

JANE
Not that sort of love goddess.  You’re making a statement about how deeply one can love another human being.  Everything you do is to make Trent happy.

DARIA
It is not.

TRENT
It just so happens that practically everything she does make me happy anyway.

Trent kisses Daria.  Daria mumbles something unintelligible.

JANE
(to Daria)
Well, that’s not how other people see things.  People look at you and see an ideal they want to aspire to.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Oh, yes.  Every woman wants to wear skimpy clothing, sit in her man’s lap, and be constantly groped by him.

JESSE
(finally stopping eating)
Cool.

JANE
(being pulled into Jesse’s lap)
No, that’s not what I’m saying.  People like being in love.  They like caring deeply about other people.  They like making other people happy.

Jesse sticks his hand under the edge of Jane’s shirt and starts feeling up her midriff, making her emit a short shriek of surprise.

JANE
Jesse, what are you doing?  We’re not alone.

JESSE
(confused)
Lola said something about all chicks wanting to wear skimpy clothing, sit in guys’ laps, and be groped by them.

JANE
Jesse, that was sarcasm.

JESSE
What?

JANE
I’ll explain it later, honey.
(to Daria)
You, Lola, symbolize the most perfect love any of us has ever seen.  And if there’s anything people don’t want to see, it’s perfect love being marred in any way.

DARIA
Yeah, but—

Kevin (in jeans and T-shirt) and Brittany (in an outfit nearly identical to Daria’s, the major difference being that hers is blue) approach.

KEVIN
(staring at Daria)
Whoa, Lola...

BRITTANY
Ooh!

Brittany punches Kevin in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him and doubling him over.

KEVIN
(barely able to speak)
Babe, what’d I do?

Kevin collapses on the floor.

DARIA
(“Aw, Hell.”)
Hello, Brittany.

BRITTANY
(hostile)
Damn it, Lola!  Stop trying to steal my Kevvy away from me!

DARIA
Excuse me?  Why would I do that?  I’m in love with Trent.

Trent kisses Daria.

BRITTANY
I don’t know, Lola, but he can’t stop talking about you, ever since last night.  He even called out your name when—

DARIA
Brittany, I haven’t said anything to him since we got back, and I hope I’ll never have to say anything to him again.

BRITTANY
Yeah, right.  This is just your latest scheme.  You’ve been trying to get him all for yourself all along.

DARIA
Since when?

BRITTANY
Ever since you first saw him.  You were around him a lot!

DARIA
Brittany, we were in a lot of the same classes.

BRITTANY
It wasn’t just that.  You got Ms. Barch to make him work with you on a science project.  You got him to break up with me by bribing him, doing his homework, and baking him cookies.  You made him do a wheelie on his motorcycle so he’d break his leg and have to break up with me.  You even became a cheerleader so you could make him think you were a better version of me!

TRENT
(to Daria)
You never told me you were a cheerleader in high school.

DARIA
I wasn’t.  I never even liked cheerleading.

BRITTANY
Don’t try any of your mind games on me, Lola.  I remember you on the squad! You came up with all our best cheers!  I talked to Jane about it last night.

JANE
Don’t pin anything on me, Brittany.  I was being sarcastic when you thought I agreed with you about Daria being a cheerleader.

BRITTANY
Oh, so you’re in on Lola’s little conspiracy to steal away my Kevvy, too! Don’t lie to me, Jane!  You were there when Lola asked me to join the cheerleading squad, right in front of Val!

DARIA
That was to see how sincere you were when you said you loved me.

BRITTANY
But you both tried out and joined the squad!  I sponsored you myself!  And I know you’re still practicing your moves, Lola; I saw you on Sick, Sad World.

DARIA
Brittany, you’re suffering from something called false memory syndrome—

BRITTANY
Stop lying to me, Lola!  What are you going to tell me next?  That you didn’t date half the guys on the football team?

DARIA
But—

BRITTANY
I’m not the moron you think I am, Lola.  I’ve already got a nice job as a model, and all I need now to follow in my step-mom’s footsteps is to catch a guy who’ll pander to all my needs, and now you’re ruining my chances of becoming Mrs. Kevin Thompson!

DARIA
(deadpan; gesturing towards Kevin)
Yes, Brittany, go ahead and say that in the presence of the guy you’re trying to take advantage of.  That’s exactly what Machiavelli would have done.

BRITTANY
Ooh!  I hate you!  I hate you!  I hate you!

Brittany storms away.

DARIA
Damn.  I really didn’t need another enemy besides the Harpies.

April approaches.

APRIL
Lola, I want to talk to you.

TRENT
Speak of the Devil...

April sits down in Jane’s unoccupied seat.

DARIA
What do you want?  My shoulder’s starting to hurt from having my arm twisted to get me to be Lolaesque.

April looks around to make sure no one is listening in on their conversation.

APRIL
(quietly)
I understand you want an outfit like you used to wear a year ago.

DARIA
 “Want” is an understatement.

TRENT
She’d look hot in an outfit like that.

Trent kisses Daria.

JANE
Hey, if she and Trent are still wildly in love, I can live with it.

APRIL
(to Daria)
What would you say if I were to procure such an outfit for you?

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
I’d be thrilled.
(beat)
OK, what do you want?

APRIL
Just for you to do a small task.

DARIA
You want us to bring you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West?

APRIL
No.  I want you to torch my sister Katie’s houseboat.

DARIA
Excuse me?

TRENT
Why would you want us to do that?

APRIL
Sibling rivalry.  I shouldn’t need to explain it.  And you, Trent, ought to be all for it.  After all, your brother Wind lives on that houseboat.

DARIA
I am not doing anything that could get people killed.

APRIL
You’re supposed to wait for Wind to coerce Katie into going with him down to the beach so she can pose in her mermaid costume for him there.  I’m not out to off Katie, just to make her life a living Hell.

DARIA
I will not vandalize property either.

APRIL
What’s wrong with you?  You make this big deal about wanting to be Daria the Misery Chick again, yet you get squeamish about doing the least thing antisocial.

DARIA
I was never antisocial.  Nonsocial, yes, but I wasn’t into vandalism and leaving people homeless.

APRIL
OK, fine.  Just seal the locks on the houseboat with glue so that Katie has to check into a hotel wearing her mermaid costume.  They’ll call a locksmith and be back in their boat the next day.

DARIA
You don’t get it; do you?  I’m not going to carry out your petty revenge for you.

APRIL
Trent—

TRENT
And I’m not going to make her do it.

Daria kisses Trent.

APRIL
Fine.  Be that way, Lola.  I can see you really have turned into the sweet bimbo you claim not to be.

April gets up and leaves, taking her chair with her.

DARIA
Please tell me we did the right thing.

TRENT
We did.  I couldn’t stay together with April because of all the mean things she did, and I certainly don’t want you doing her dirty work.

DARIA
I feel like I’m never going to get out of this outfit.

JESSE
Hey, Jane, how come you don’t dress like Lola?  You’d look good like that.

JANE
(to Daria)
I’m going to kill you for putting the idea in his head.

DARIA
Oh, trust me, Janey:  you’ll enjoy being a walking work of art...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

Trent is lying asleep on the bed.  Monique, fully dressed, sits down on the bed and kisses him on the lips

SUPER:  TUESDAY, 25 JUNE 2002, MORNING

TRENT
Mmm...

MONIQUE
Good morning.

TRENT
Monique.
(opening his eyes)
Monique!
(scooting back away from Monique)
Monique!  What are you doing in here?

MONIQUE
I’m here to let you do what you owe me.  After all, we are engaged, and Daria’s not here to get in the way, so get your clothes off—

TRENT
(getting out of bed)
We were engaged.  I’m sorry, Monique, but I married Daria—and she’s going to kill us!

MONIQUE
(taking off her jacket)
You promised to marry me, Trent, and it doesn’t matter to me that you married someone else out of convenience first.

TRENT
It is not a marriage of convenience.  I’m in love with her.

MONIQUE
And I wouldn’t dream of breaking up such a wonderful union—but that doesn’t mean I’m letting you off the hook.  It doesn’t mean you don’t harbor romantic feelings for me anymore either.

Trent glares at Monique.

MONIQUE
(unlacing her boots and pulling them off)
There’s no reason you shouldn’t accept the obvious solution. As I see it, you have no choice but to have me as a second wife.  Now strip.

TRENT
Get real.

MONIQUE
Fine.  You can think of me as a concubine, mistress, girlfriend, lover, whatever pleases you.  The exact term doesn’t matter.

TRENT
Are you insane?  Do you really think Daria and I are going to go for this?

MONIQUE
Actually, yes.  Lola’s your love-slave.  She’ll go for anything you really want.

TRENT
No, she won’t!  She’s going to kill you, and even if she doesn’t, what makes you think I’ll go for this?

MONIQUE
One:  you promised to marry me and be the father of my children, and having a strong conscience, you’re going to feel terrible if you don’t keep your promise.

TRENT
I’ll live with the pain.  Daria’s living with worse.

MONIQUE
Two:  you can’t stop what’s about to happen.

TRENT
Nothing is going to happen between us!

MONIQUE
(pulling off her socks)
Trent, you never were able to resist me.  We’re alone, and it’s only a matter of time before you give in.

TRENT
Fine.  I’ll lock the door—

MONIQUE
And Lola will unlock it when she starts sleepwalking so she can get to the kitchen to make you a fresh loaf of banana bread.  You have no hope of resisting me.

TRENT
I’ll—

MONIQUE
Trent, since you’ve got a lousy track record when it comes to saying “no” to me, so stop complaining and just give in to our shared desires.  You’ll enjoy yourself more if everything is voluntary.

TRENT
It won’t be.

MONIQUE
It’ll also be easier on Elaine and any more children Lola or I have.  No point in exposing them to unnecessary fighting.  Three:  how long has it been since you did it with Lola?

TRENT
Excuse me?

MONIQUE
It hasn’t been that long since she gave birth, and it’ll be a few weeks until she can do it with you again.  It’s no wondering you can’t stop pawing her. You could use someone to—

TRENT
I can live with it!  Daria means more to me than someone to vent my libido on!

MONIQUE
(calmly)
Four:  just to sweeten the deal, if you accept my proposal, I’ll help you subvert Eunice.

TRENT
Excuse me?

MONIQUE
Lola doesn’t like Eunice trying to shoehorn her into being bimboesque. What would you do to convince me to get your love-slave some “misery chick” clothes?

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY.

The door to Daria and Trent’s room opens.  Trent, carrying a struggling Monique, comes out of the room and drops her on the floor.

MONIQUE
Ow!

Trent rushes away down the hall.

MONIQUE
Good one, Martin.

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

There is a girl who looks like a teenage version of Monique with black hair, dressed in brightly colored versions of goth clothes, standing in the doorway.

MONIQUE LOOK-ALIKE
(Sandiesque voice)
Dad!  How can you say such a thing about Mom?

TRENT
Marina—

MARINA (AKA MONIQUE LOOK-ALIKE)
That’s not what Mom said happened.

TRENT
Do we have to have this talk again?  Your mother’s not exactly reliable when talking about her relationship with me.  She’s only tolerated in our house, and you know it.

DARIA
And in any case—

MARINA
Here you two go again, putting down my mother.

ELAINE
You tell them, Marina!

MARINA
You get along with her well enough as long as things remain Platonic, but should she crave the smallest bit of contact with her man—

TRENT
I am not her man.  I married Daria, and have been fiercely loyal to her.

MARINA
To her and Mom.  You and Mom have to sneak around in the wee hours of the morning when Lola’s sleepwalking if she wants any time alone with you, but—

DARIA
Hold it right there, Marina.  We are not going there.

MURRAY
But she does have a legitimate case.

ELAINE
And you don’t—

DARIA
All three of you, stop it.  None of you has been open to being in a polygamous relationship yourselves—
(turns towards Elaine)
—despite having received a number of offers.  Don’t you dare tell me and Trent that we shouldn’t be so “exclusive”.  Neither of us has wanted another human being since we got married.

MARINA
But—

TRENT
We are not going to discuss my relationship with your mother now.

ELAINE
It’s OK, Dad.  Murray and I—

DARIA
Kids, Trent hasn’t slept with Monique since he married me, even though he’s agreed to marry her if I ever die through no fault of hers.  The only reason Marina and Zane even exist is because Monique had made him sign a prenuptual agreement that he’d be the father of her children, and the agreement wasn’t technically dependent on them getting married.  Monique wasn’t pleased about being artificially inseminated—

ELAINE, MURRAY, AND MARINA
Ew!

INT. LAWNDALE MALL.

Daria (her hair styled and in pigtails), standing in the midst of Jane (wearing her “conventional” outfit from “The F Word”, but with her usual hairdo), the Fashion Club, and a crowd of delighted people, is singing.

DARIA
... You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sitting at the table,
There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done.

The crowd applauds as Daria finishes the song.  Daria suddenly looks confused but keeps her cool.

DARIA
(Lola voice)
Thank you!  I love you all!  You’re a great audience.  But I’ve got some shopping to do, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to it now.

The crowd applauds as Daria, Jane, and the Fashion Club walk away.

PAN TO FOLLOW DARIA, JANE, AND THE FASHION CLUB.

DARIA
(monotone)
Don’t take this personally, but what the Hell am I doing here?

SANDI
Ms. Blenko thought that since you wouldn’t be willing to cooperate with us while you were awake, we ought to bring you here while you were sleepwalking.

DARIA
You kidnapped me.

JANE
Actually, you were quite eager to come.

DARIA
(getting a good look at Jane)
Eep!  Have the Fashion Club brainwashed you already?

JANE
Naah.  This is what happens when your boyfriend thinks you ought to adopt the Lola look.  But enough about me.  It only took about half a dozen words to tear you away from sorting through the knee-high mail pile and get you into the Harpies’ van.

QUINN
You didn’t complain at all about getting your hair and nails done.

DARIA
(looking at herself in a store window)
Nice job with my hair, if you care for pigtails.  I guess I can get $100 from each of my grandmothers now.

Daria checks her nails.

DARIA
But you really didn’t need to do anything about my nails. They were fine the way they were.

STACY
Are you sure?  It looked like you were biting them.

TIFFANY
Ew!

SANDI
Remember, Lola—

DARIA
The name’s “Daria”.

SANDI
We have orders from Ms. Blenko to call you only “Lola”.  You are not Daria Morgendorffer anymore, so it would be inappropriate to call you that—and we very much doubt that anyone in Lawndale will from now on.  You are now Lola Daisy Lane, Lawndale’s own pop music star, and Lola Daisy Lane is supposed to look her best at all times, down to the last detail.  To that end, let’s get you some new clothes.

DARIA
(to Jane and Quinn)
Are you two really buying into any of this?

QUINN
Not really.  There’s still a lot more Daria in you than Eunice really wants to admit.  You wouldn’t be complaining so much if there weren’t.

JANE

SANDI
Hey!  Is that some sort of insult to our taste in clothing?

JANE
I’d say it—

Daria stops in front of J. J. Jeeter’s.

DARIA
(entranced)
Cool.  I just found a reason not to go straight home.

FOCUS ON:  CLOTHES IDENTICAL TO DARIA LOLA’S CANONICAL OUTFIT IN J. J. JEETERS.

DARIA
(Lola voice)
They’re perfect!

FOCUS ON:  DARIA LOLA, JANE, AND THE FASHION CLUB.

Jane and Quinn each grab one of Daria’s arms and start pulling her away.

JANE
Forget it, Daria.

DARIA
But they’d make Trent so happy!  He loves the look of combat boots!

QUINN
I’m sorry, but Eunice will kill us if we use company money to buy something like you used to wear.  She gave us specifications about what we can and can’t get you, and that outfit doesn’t show off enough skin, and it’s not tight enough.

DARIA
Even for stuff to wear around the house?  You can’t seriously think that music stars spend all their time dressed the way they do on stage.

TIFFANY
Duh!  Do you think we’re, like, stupid or something?

JANE
Daria, Daria, Daria...  Let’s put it this way:  if we let you wear a shapeless jacket, we’ll never get you out of it.  You wouldn’t want to deprive Trent of seeing your graceful form; now would you?

DARIA
I suppose not...

QUINN
Even if you are just lounging around the house and want something that won’t wear out quickly, that doesn’t mean you have to hide the shape of your body. We can definitely find something you can wear that he’ll like and will last.  Trust me; we’ve had to deal with that problem for years.

DARIA
You’re the best, guys.

QUINN
No, Daria, you’re the best.  Now here’s what we have in mind for you to wear at home...

INT. CASHMAN’S.

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, among other people, are searching through the racks, while Jane and Quinn are standing right outside a dressing room.

INT. DRESSING ROOM.

There are a number of revealing outfits hanging on a hook.  Daria is about to pull her shirt off over her head when she stops herself.

DARIA
(monotone)
What am I doing?  What am I doing?  I’m not a bimbo...

INT. CASHMAN’S.

Daria comes out the dressing room with a pile of outfits, which she proceeds to dump on the floor.

QUINN
What’d you do that for?

JANE
We worked hard trying to find stuff that looked just right on you.

DARIA
(Lola voice)
Guys, I really appreciate you wanting to help, but I just don’t want to wear any of these.

QUINN
But—

DARIA
(singsong)
There’s one thing you’re all forgetting:  despite what Eunice claimed,
(shouts)
I am Daria Morgendorffer!
(more normal, but still excited, tone)
I may still have a perky and pretty exterior, but I feel like myself again inside.  I’m not tempted to follow any of your suggestions for outfits.  I don’t want to show off my shoulders or back, or dress like Cindy, no matter how “misery chick chic” you claim these outfits are.  All I’m thinking is, “What am I doing here?  I don’t want any of this stuff.”

JANE
But Trent—

DARIA
Trent loves me for who I am, not what I look like.  He offered to mutilate himself to keep me from having to look like this and perform in public.  He never did anything like that for any of the Harpies.  You can force me to look like this, you can force me to sound like this, and you can even call me “Lola” until I give in and stop complaining about it—but my soul remains untouched—and Trent will be very relieved, because he’s been so worried about me turning into Lola more than just on the surface. See you later.  I’m going home.  Bye!

Daria moves to leave.

SANDI
(approaching)
Lola, I’m sure we can come to some accommodation—

Exit Daria.

JANE
(to Quinn, derisive imitation)
 “She’ll be happy to be a walking art-project, now she’s got Trent to please.”
(in her own voice)
How would a brain put it?  You left a few variables out of the equation, Quinn.

QUINN
Hey!  Don’t pin this on me.  It wasn’t my idea to make her show off more skin.  If we have to hold her new clothes to Eunice’s standards, she’ll be a one-outfit wonder.

STACY
Damn!  And the concert’s Thursday!

The other members of the Fashion Club and Jane look at Stacy, amazed that she actually cursed.

INT. MALL.

Daria walks through the mall, quickly becoming entranced at the sight of the clothing stores.  She finds herself standing at the entrance of one, staring at some revealing outfits.

Trent (holding Elaine) runs up to her and embraces her (or what passes for embracing with one free arm).

TRENT
Daria, are you OK?

DARIA
(coming to her senses; monotone)
No.  I was kidnapped while sleeping by Janey and the Fashion Club, and I barely managed to slip out of Lola mode long enough to escape their clutches at Cashman’s.

ELAINE
Gah!

DARIA
Though with you around, I’m alright now.  I really feel like Daria inside again.  Even looking like this, I’m in the mood for seeing pet shop carnage.

TRENT
(putting an arm around Daria’s waist)
Cool.  I love the way you think.  Maybe after that we can go to a used bookstore. I think we could get something there to tide you over until we get paid. I ought to have enough cash for one book.

DARIA
(as she and Trent start moving)
You have a great way of making a girl feel special.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Trent, I don’t suppose you can always stay within two meters of me?

TRENT
It’s cool.  After what happened at the hotel, I’d feel a lot better having my hands on you all the time.

DARIA
Trent, it’s not my purpose in life to be constantly felt up by you.

TRENT
Hey, we’re young, we’re in love, and you seem to like—

DARIA
For the 20th time, we are not going to set a bad example, Trent, and we can discuss it later if you really need an explanation.

Trent gives Daria a pleading look.

DARIA
Stop it, Trent.  It’s not feasible anyway, even if we do go to the bathroom together.  You know I don’t stay put when I’m asleep.

TRENT
Maybe we could get some handcuffs and—

DARIA
I get the idea.  Let’s start with something a little less kinky and work our way up to more desperate measures from there.  In any case, I think I’m going to need something else to remind me of who I am.

TRENT
Let me guess:  we’re going to have to hit your parents up for money.

DARIA
You just read my mind, Trent.  Let’s go back to Cashman’s and ask Quinn if my parents are sober yet...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Upchuck is sitting on the sofa, Cindy Eunice (as Eunice, her hair hanging loose) collapsed across his lap and fast asleep.  There are a cell phone, a laptop computer, and Cindy Eunice’s glasses on the coffee table.  Upchuck is stroking her hair as he argues with Monique.

MONIQUE
Listen, Ruttheimer—

UPCHUCK
Ms. Martin, this is the first sleep the exquisite Eunice has gotten since the concert.  I swear to you, I did not exhaust her in the bedroom!  She’s spent her time getting permission to use songs on the album and arranging interviews.

MONIQUE
I do not appreciate you hitting on Eunice while she’s working.

UPCHUCK
But I haven’t slowed her down at all.

Trent runs through the living room, carrying Elaine.

UPCHUCK
I’ve even managed to help her with my connections...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

Daria (her hair hanging loose) is sitting on the bed, writing something on a pad of paper (which she continues to do throughout this scene).  Jane (with a camera) and a fashionable reporter stand by.

JANE
Please, Daria.  We sent this nice reporter’s photographer away.  Now will you please pose?

DARIA
(Lola voice)
Is there something wrong with me sitting here writing?

JANE
Of course there is.  This is Waif we’re talking about.  You’re supposed to do something more interesting.

DARIA
Can’t help you there.  Quinn has my knives and the target for you to stand against.

JANE
You know that’s not the sort of interesting Waif wants.
(beat)
This is Trent’s room.  You’re sitting on his bed, the one place you’ve longed to be since Alternapalooza.  Doesn’t that make you want to do more than just sit there and write?

DARIA
Well...

JANE
Come on.  Do something that Trent will like.  He’ll be back in a minute, and you do want to make him happy; don’t you?

Daria sighs, but she does move into a reclining position and continues writing.

JANE
(snapping a few pictures)
That’s better, Daria.  Trent’s going to like the look of this.  Now look more alluring.  Make love to the camera.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Janey, I’m in love with Trent.  How could I cheat on him with a camera?

REPORTER
Why don’t I just bring the photographer who came with me in here?  He’s a lot better at—

JANE
Trust me:  don’t.  Daria Lola’s no ordinary young, blond, beautiful, scantily-clad, female pop music star.  Your usual tricks to get such people to pose won’t work on her.  I’m the only one who can make her crack.
(to Daria)
Come on, Lola.  Show me a little more cleavage.

DARIA
Don’t push it, Janey.

JANE
Well, I am giving the juiciest pictures only to Trent.

DARIA
What does he need pictures for when he can see the real thing?

JANE
Damn!

REPORTER
You’re, like, practically a natural, Lola.  Have you ever done any modeling?

DARIA
No, though it’s been suggested to me before.  Once these two representatives from the Amazon Modeling Agency came to my high school, trying to recruit students, and even though my clothes were a lot more drab back then, they wanted me anyway.  One of them thought I was “waif-like” and “pouty”.  I would have tried out for them—I was so flattered—but—

Trent appears in the doorway, holding Elaine.

DARIA
(more in control of herself, looking more alluring; monotone voice)
—I really didn’t like the idea of modeling.  It’s just so dull.  My mind’s too active to only look pretty and hold a pose.

REPORTER
Oh, so you’d rather create new fashion standards for your fans.

DARIA
Actually, I never cared about fashion at all.

REPORTER
But you look so hot!

DARIA
I know; everyone tells me that.  Not to mention that Trent can’t keep his eyes or hands off me.  But talking about fashion is so boring. Trying to read Waif puts me to sleep, not to mention that a lot of the stuff they come up with looks just awful.  After all, it is a magazine for shallow idiots by shallow idiots—and I am not a shallow idiot.  I was practically tied for first in my class in high school, and I never wanted to be “the pretty one”.  The only reason I look like this in the first place is because Trent and I were hiding from the Mob; I was trying to look as different from myself as possible so I wouldn’t be found and killed.  I still look like this because I haven’t really been able to go shopping yet, not to mention that the clothes I wore before I had to deal with the Mafia have conveniently disappeared, so I don’t have much choice but to keep on dressing like this until I get paid and can go shopping on my own.

REPORTER
But—

DARIA
Trust me:  whatever I end up wearing, Trent will love seeing me in it. Now, if you want to hear about something I care about, something that doesn’t reduce me to a living mannequin, why don’t I tell you about this rock opera I’m working on?  I’m trying to merge the spy and bad sci-fi genres by having terrorists threaten to destroy Paris using a giant radioactive lizard—and I’m giving the lizard the all best songs.

The reporter, shocked, is unable to speak.  A moment later, she passes out and collapses on the floor.  Jane breaks out laughing.  Daria has a Mona Lisa smile on her face.

DARIA
(faux innocent)
Did I do that?

JANE
You certainly did, sister-in-law.

ELAINE
Gah!

TRENT
(smiling)
Whoa.  That was cool.

DARIA
Yeah, it was actually...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT.

A camera crew is setting up as Lola and the Mystik Spiral finish practicing.  Elaine sits in a high chair playing with a teddy bear.  Jane (still “conventionally” dressed) is drawing possible outfits for Daria, while Nick’s wife looks irritated.  Elaine claps and squeals with glee as the song ends.  Nick’s kid, sitting on the floor, ignores everyone else and plays with his elephant.

NICK’S WIFE
Not bad, though next time you really ought to—

Val enters the room.

VAL
Hi, Lola and Trent!  It’s great to—

Val gets a good look at Daria and lets out a blood-curdling scream.

VAL
You’re Lola?

DARIA
(Lola voice)
Hi, Val!  I see you remember me.

VAL
You’re Daria Morgendorffer!  You’re the Anti-Teen!

TRENT
Anti-Teen?

DARIA
Val spent a day with me a while ago after I won this writing contest and was shocked that I didn’t fit her preconceptions of what a “cool” teenager should be like—and then she published an article in her magazine claiming I was as close as humanly possible to being the Devil.
(to Val)
It’s too bad the public doesn’t agree.  If you’d bothered to pay attention to the media, you would have known who I am.  It’s not like it’s a secret.

VAL
But—

DARIA
So, do you still want to do this interview, even if it was on short notice? I am the next big star in the music industry, and I’m sure we’re both mature enough to put the past behind us.

VAL
Um,
(swallows)
yeah.  I’m jiggy with it.  If the public can accept you like this,
(with difficulty)
I suppose I can.

DARIA
Good.  Just so long as you can avoid asking me questions about shallow and stupid things, like lipstick and cheerleading, we ought to get along famously.

JANE
Don’t you hear the music of doom?

NICK’S WIFE
(slapping Jane on the back of the head)
Quiet, you.  I want to see this.

Daria and Trent sit down on a dilapidated sofa.  Trent pulls Daria into his lap.  She gives him a look of irritation, but he wraps his arms around her anyway.  Daria rolls her eyes and sighs a sigh of resignation.

VAL
Are you ready yet, Phil?

TECHNICIAN
Any time you want.

Trent starts feeling up Daria’s midriff.

VAL
OK.  Start recording.
(beat)
Hi.  I’m Val, and welcome to Val, television’s newest show that looks into the lives of America’s hottest celebrities.  With me today are Lola and the Mystik Spiral.  I’m here with them in the spacious home of their lead singer and guitarist, Lola and Trent Lane—

DARIA
Actually, that’s “Daria Lola Morgendorffer and Trent Lane”.  I never changed my name, and I don’t plan on doing it so there’s never any real question who I am.

VAL
Sorry about that, Lola.

DARIA
That’s alright.  Lots of people make that mistake.

VAL
Let’s take that again from the top.

PHIL
Whatever.

VAL
Hi.  I’m Val, and welcome to Val, television’s newest show that looks into the lives of America’s hottest celebrities.  With me today are Lola and the Mystik Spiral.  I’m here with them in the spacious home of their lead singer and guitarist, D. Lola Morgendorffer and Trent Lane in Lawndale. Lola and the Mystik Spiral’s first album, “You Asked for It”, is being pre-ordered at a record rate.
(to Daria and Trent)
Tell me:  what’s it like to become so famous so quickly?

TRENT
It’s a bit of a shock, really.

DARIA
But still a pleasant surprise.  After all, Trent now gets to live out his dream of becoming a music star.

TRENT
I still can’t believe it.  A week ago, Daria and I were on the run from the Mob, and now I’ve got almost everything I ever wanted.

Trent kisses Daria.

VAL
And what are you getting out of your new-found fame, Lola?

DARIA
Well, I’m going to live out my own wildest fantasy.  You see, right before our practice session, I got a call from the people at Cashman’s, and they want me to model for an ad campaign for them.

VAL
That’s wonderful!

MAX
(to Nick)
They do?

Nick slaps Max on the back of the head.

MAX
Ow!

DARIA
I know.  And they love my taste so much that they want me to choose the clothing.

VAL
Really?

TRENT
Hey, she had me hooked the first time I saw her.  There’s no way they could go wrong.

DARIA
Not to mention that since people love me so much that whatever I wear, people are going to want to wear it, too.  And I’ve got my first outfit all planned out:  a loose green jacket, a black pleated skirt, and combat boots.

VAL
But you can’t wear that!  That’s icky!
(beat)
You haven’t changed a bit!  You’re just a brain in sexy clothes!

DARIA
Thanks!

Val stands up and makes a cross with her fingers.

VAL
Stay back, Satan!  Stay back!

Val runs out of the room.

TRENT
I love it when things like that happen.

DARIA
Well, it is what makes life worth living.

Daria and Trent start sucking face.

MAX
Great.  Trent’s indecency continues.

Nick’s wife elbows Max.

MAX
Ow!

JANE
It’s a beautiful thing; isn’t it?

Nick’s wife gives an ambiguous grunt.  Nick shrugs.

JANE
OK, everybody, now that we’re all here, this would be a good time to get that band portrait out of the way, so—

Trent picks up Daria and carries her out of the room.

JANE
(trying to follow, but being held back by Jesse)
Hey!  Come back!  Damn it!  Now I’m going to have to chase them down...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Daria is in Trent’s lap, blissfully occupied in making out with him, their instruments conveniently at arm’s length.  Samantha walks through the living room, talking on a cell phone.  Enter Jane (camera hanging from a strap around her neck, carrying a drawing pad) and the Fashion Club (Stacy and Tiffany carrying some bags from Cashman’s) from another room and approach Daria and Trent.

QUINN
Hey, Daria.  Can we talk to you for a while?

DARIA
(briefly breaking lip-lock; monotone)
Unless our parents are in any condition to talk to me yet, go away, Quinn, and take your little friends with you.

SANDI
Lola—

DARIA
(briefly breaking lip-lock)
The name is “Daria”.

SANDI
This is important.  You’ve got a concert this Thursday, and it is the duty of the Fashion Club to make sure you look your best.

JANE
Not to mention that we need you to pose for cover art.

SANDI
We are very pleased that you’re still wearing your contacts and makeup—and so does Trent, it seems—but fashion is a never-ending battle.  You can’t say, “this far and no further”.  You’ve got to keep working on your appearance.

Daria and Trent reluctantly break lip-lock.

TRENT
Could you come back later?  I’m busy positively reinforcing Daria’s engaging in desirable behavior.

JANE
Trent, put it in English.  And don’t use a prepared statement Daria gave you.

TRENT
Hey, that was not a prepared statement.  Daria’s gotten me into reading in the past few months.

JANE
Yeah, yeah, yeah.  So what are you two doing now?

TRENT
I’m busy showing Daria what I think of this song she wrote for a rock opera about the angst deep in the soul of a giant, radioactive lizard.  Could you give us another half-hour?

SANDI
No, we cannot give you another half-hour.  You have obligations to keep, and if you don’t let us do our jobs, you will be negligent in fulfilling these obligations.  Since you are at the beginning of your career, you don’t have much room for error, so you’d better do everything right the first time, or else you could end up in abject poverty.

TIFFANY
Abject poverty.  That’s so wrong.

DARIA
Do you really think I believe that?  If my lipstick isn’t the perfect shade, is it really going to impact on my profit potential?

STACY
I told you she wouldn’t buy it!  She knows that sex doesn’t really sell! We’re all going to be fired!

SANDI
Stacy!

QUINN
Let’s put it this way:  you either deal with us, or you deal with Cindy.

TRENT
Daria, I really think we ought to deal with Janey and her little friends.

DARIA
Why?  There’s five of them and one Cindy.

TRENT
Trust me, Daria.  You do not want to be alone with Cindy.  I have told you how... perverse she’s been whenever I’ve been alone with her.

TIFFANY
Trent, ew!

JANE
Don’t worry, Tiffany.  You’re safe.  She isn’t interested in idiots.

Beat.

TIFFANY
Hey!

QUINN
So, who’s it going to be, Daria?  Us or Upchuck’s girlfriend?  She has some see-through clothes she thinks you might look good in.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Fine.

Daria tries to slip out of Trent’s lap, but Trent wraps his arms around her waist and starts feeling up her midriff.

DARIA
Uh, Trent, I thought we had talked about us not being so affectionate in front of other people anymore.

TRENT
It doesn’t count; we’re not in public.  Besides, it’s not like I have my hands in your clothes.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
We’re going to have another little talk about this later.

JANE
Don’t stop being so close on our account, or anyone else’s for that matter. Lots of people we’ve talked to think it’s great you can be so open about how you feel about each other.

STACY
It’s like you’re the perfect couple!

DARIA
(“let’s just change the subject”)
I don’t suppose you guys broke down and got me something like my old outfit?

JANE
Sorry.  Eunice promised us that if we put something like that on her credit card, we’d wake up the next morning bald and painted green.

TIFFANY
(shuddering)
The horror.

STACY
(as she and Tiffany present their bags)
Seeing as you didn’t like any of the ideas we had this morning, we got you some more clothes like you’re wearing now.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Gee, thanks.

TIFFANY
You’re welcome.

STACY
(aside to Tiffany, quietly)
That was sarcasm!

TIFFANY
What?

SANDI
Never mind, Tiffany.  Trent will, do doubt, enjoy seeing Lola continuing her current look.

TRENT
Don’t be so sure of that.

JANE
Well, just in case you don’t—
(presenting her sketch pad)
—we put our heads together and came up with some possible outfits Daria could add to her current wardrobe.
(to Daria)
Eunice thought you’d like anything we came up with better than if we just put you in some of her Cindy outfits, and I have worked hard to make them look cool despite her standards.

TRENT
I suppose you want Daria to wear green.
(to Daria)
You’d look hot in green.  Or in something like that black-and-white checkered thing I got you for your birthday.

Trent kisses Daria.

DARIA
(“God, let me not capitulate in front of the Fashion Club”)
We’ll talk about it later.

QUINN
Well, we did get her some green clothes in her current style, but we weren’t thinking about just a change of color.

Jane hands Daria the pad, and Daria flips through the drawings.

DARIA
Feather boas and tight plastic pants are a big “don’t” with me.  Keep in mind, please, I’m not Cindy.  My current look was based upon trying to look like Brittany, not a slut.

JANE
Damn!

TIFFANY
But I thought Brittany was a—

STACY
(uncharacteristic but obviously present pent-up anger)
Tiffany!  Don’t ruin it for the rest of us!  If we blow this job, we’ll never break into the fashion industry!  I don’t want to be a waitress—or worse!

TRENT
Maybe we ought to move on to drawing number two.

DARIA
Agreed.

Daria turns to the next drawing.

DARIA
Butterfly wings?  Too bad interpretation of Shakespeare.

Daria turns to the next drawing.

DARIA
Eep!  Yellow feathers—in my hair!

QUINN
Hey, if think this is bad, Sandi joked about something that referred to that other “Lola” song.

SANDI
That was a secret, Quinn!

DARIA
Guys, I really don’t understand what you’re thinking.  None of this stuff is in my style, even in that of my cheerier persona.

JANE
Well, you do know what everyone’s saying about you.  You went from the poster girl for Antisocial Magazine to wearing skimpy clothes, being sweet, and letting Trent use your skin for keeping his hands warm.

DARIA
Excuse me—

JANE
Nick’s wife was basically right:  you have typecast yourself as Trent’s love-slave.  So why not have some fun with the part if you’re going to be living it anyway?

DARIA
(deadpan)
Sure.  Why not?  I’d love to bare practically everything to the World—right after I get a frontal lobotomy.

Trent laughs/coughs and kisses Daria.

TIFFANY
(confused)
You want brain surgery?  Lola, ew!

SANDI
That was sarcasm again, Tiffany.

TIFFANY
Um, what’s sarcasm?

QUINN
I’ll explain it later.  Ladies, we’re not using the right pressure point. There’s only one reason Daria cares to look good, and his name is Trent.
(to Trent)
Honestly, you really do like how Daria’s been dressing for the past year; don’t you?

TRENT
Um...

DARIA
Oh no...

QUINN
She looks great, and you really do enjoy looking at her.

TRENT
Uh...

QUINN
It’s OK.  It’s only natural.  After all, with a body like hers, she could be a supermodel if she wanted to, despite how short she is.  Now, Trent, I want you to imagine Daria looking as perfect as possible.  Now tell me what she’s wearing in your imagination.

Trent looks Daria over before answering.

TRENT
(smiling)
She’s dressed as she was back in high school.  She looked hot back then.

Trent kisses Daria.

DARIA
Oh, Trent!

Daria and Trent move to engage lip-lock.

SANDI
Now wait a minute!  Are you telling us, Trent, that you actually want Lola to go back to pretending she’s flat-chested?

STACY
Ew!

TRENT
OK, maybe not that detail, but she looked good in that green jacket and pleated skirt.  And the boots.  They really did something for her legs.

Daria and Trent lock lips, and Trent slips his hands up the back of Daria’s shirt.

SANDI
Hey!

TIFFANY
This can’t be good.

STACY
We’ve still got ten pages of outfits to show her!  What are we going to do now?

Jane takes half a dozen pictures of Daria and Trent in rapid succession, drawing looks of “Just what do you think you’re doing?” from the Fashion Club.

JANE
So I needed cover art...

Enter Cindy Eunice (as Eunice, no glasses and no sign of vision impairment, her hair hanging freely), followed by Upchuck.

CINDY EUNICE
Not now, Charles!  There are people I need to talk to.

UPCHUCK
You’re working too long and too hard.  My precious, please let me help you relax!

Exit Cindy Eunice, followed by Upchuck.

Jane and the Fashion Club shudder.

INT. PIZZA KING.

Elaine is sleeping in a high chair as Daria and Trent (holding Daria in his lap) are talking with Jane and Jesse (holding Jane in his lap and with his hand up the back of her shirt.  None of them is eating yet.  Lots of other people around them are eating and occasionally bugging Daria.  Cindy Eunice (as Eunice) and Upchuck (holding onto Cindy Eunice and carrying a bag) enter.

JANE
Come on, Daria.  The human body’s nothing to be ashamed of.

DARIA
(monotone)
Janey, keep in mind that I’m Daria.  I might look like a supermodel, but I still don’t want to pose, much less do it naked.

JANE

Then I’ll have to call in my secret weapon.  Trent—

TRENT
Keep me out of this. “Don’t you want to see Lola nude?” is not a fair question.

JANE
But I’ve got the cover all planned out, and no one has to see the most interesting parts.  That’s where your hands come in—

TRENT
Stop it, Janey.  Certain things are too private to appear on an album cover.

Daria kisses Trent.

JANE
But—

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA LOLA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

Jane (clothes in the same style as her canonical outfit) is standing at the door, looking indignant.

JANE
Hey!  Take that back, Lola.  I did not say that.

DARIA
That’s not what a number of people who were there said.

JANE
You know most people in Lawndale don’t make good witnesses.

Enter a girl who looks like a teenage version of Amanda Lane.

AMANDA LOOK-ALIKE
But, Mom, how come I’ve found you so many times try to talk Aunt Lola into taking off her clothes?

JANE
Hey!

DARIA
Hi, Lorena.

TRENT
Hey.

LORENA (AKA AMANDA LOOK-ALIKE)
Hello.
(to Elaine and Murray, taunting)
Hello, Elaine, Murray.  I hope your parents are overjoyed at the imminent release of Ubiquitous.

Elaine glares at Lorena.

TRENT
Leave them alone, Lorena.

DARIA
We appreciate the intelligence, but we know what happens when you and Elaine are mad at each other.

ELAINE
I’ll say.  I’m going to have to tap into my blackmail folder—

JANE
Forget it.  All the adults in the house have agreed she gets immunity.

ELAINE
Darn.

MURRAY
There goes our revenge plan.

Lorena opens her mouth to speak, but Jane speaks first.

JANE
Run along, Lorena.

LORENA
But, Mom—

JANE
I don’t care if Elaine looks like a cheerleader; she can still kick your ass.  She might deserve it, but I’m not going to let you stand here and taunt her until she can’t stand it any longer.

LORENA
But—

JANE
You know she’s going to beat you up if you stay here long enough.  Now go home and start dinner, kid.  You can make something she hates if you want.

LORENA
But, Mom—

JANE
Your father and I just got back together for the 29th time, and he’s still in my office, you know, the one next to this one on the right.  Since the door’s still open, just one yell can bring him running, and he will carry you out of here forcibly if need be.

LORENA
(resigned)
Fine.

Exit Lorena.

JANE
(to Daria and Trent)
Say, guys, if I may suggest a punishment—

DARIA
No, Janey, you can’t paint my daughter naked.

JANE
Damn!

INT. PIZZA KING.

CINDY EUNICE
(as she and Upchuck approach)
Lola, we have to talk.

TRENT
Great.  The misery slut and her favorite victim found us.

UPCHUCK
Ooh!  Feisty!

DARIA
What do you want now, Eunice?

CINDY EUNICE
Your fate and that of your daughter hang in the balance, and yet you persist in not taking your career seriously.

DARIA
After Trent and I got back from the mall, we and the rest of the band spent four hours practicing, and then we were interviewed by Sick, Sad World and Val.  How much more serious do I need to get?

CINDY EUNICE
You have to keep the nature of your job in mind:  you’re a pop music star now.  You’ve got to look as perfect as possible, and since you’re really built, that means not hiding your body.

DARIA
I think I can safely say I’m not hiding anything.  Whatever you can’t see, you can make a pretty accurate guess what it looks like.  Thanks for making me feel ashamed by reminding me of it.

CINDY EUNICE
But it’s not good enough.  You have to be perfect—and you have already rejected Jane and the Fashion Club’s idea of what that means, even begging them to pay for clothes resembling your old, unattractive outfits.  Given that, you now have to deal with my version of perfection, and that means wearing as little as possible—in the most tasteful style, of course.

JESSE
Whoa.

DARIA
Are you kidding?

TRENT
I fully support Daria in not doing any of that.  She’s perfect already.

Daria kisses Trent.

DARIA
As you can see, I’ve got a big motivation not to copy you, and there isn’t anything in my contract that says I have to.

CINDY EUNICE
I see we have to do this the hard way.

DARIA
I’ve had—

Jeffy, Jamie, and Joey approach.

JEFFY
Lola!  We’re your biggest fans!

JAMIE
We’d do anything for you!

JOEY
(proffering a pen and several pieces of paper)
Could we, please, possibly have your autograph?

DARIA
(accepting the pen and pieces of paper)
Sure.
(as she signs the pieces of paper)
As you can see, Eunice, I don’t need to sink to your level to have fans. Back in Leeville, Trent and I had a lot of fans who came to Nowheresville every night to see us.  Seeing how crazy the people in Lawndale are about us, I don’t think there’s going to be a problem.
(giving the pen and paper back to the 3 Js)
Here you go, guys.

JEFFY
Thanks!

JAMIE
You’re the best!

JOEY
I built a little shrine to you in my house.

Jeffy and Jamie glare at Joey, then grab him and drag him out of the restaurant.

CINDY EUNICE
We do have to do this the hard way.

Rapidly Cindy Eunice removes her Eunice outfit, takes off her glasses, and removes the hairpin holding her bun together, in the process transforming herself into a very scantily clad Cindy.  She then climbs up on the table.

CINDY EUNICE
(perky)
People of Lawndale, can I have your attention for a moment, please?

Those present stop talking among themselves and pay attention.  Some even make funny noises.

TRENT
Aw, Hell.

DARIA
Don’t worry.  Whatever she’s planned, it’s not going to work.

CINDY EUNICE
By now, you are all well-acquainted with the greatest performing artist ever produced by Lawndale, Lola Lane!

Some applause, since Daria is at Cindy Eunice’s feet.  Daria blushes a little.

CINDY EUNICE
Lola is as perfect as is humanly possible.  She’s been blessed with high intelligence and creativity, coupled with great kindness and generosity.  But most of all, Lola embodies the virtue of love.  Ever since she first came to Lawndale, she’s given selflessly of herself, for she really does love this town.  Hasn’t she helped so many people when they’ve felt sad or depressed and made them feel better?  Hasn’t she fought for integrity in our schools?  Didn’t she cheer on the Lawndale Lions such that she inspired many victories, even when games started out badly?  And hasn’t she shown so much selfless love to Trent, both in encouraging him musically and, as has been more evident recently, in making herself over into the woman of his dreams and in the bedroom, even carrying his baby for nine months as a concrete symbol of her love for him? And since Lola is so virtuous, such a good example for society at large, why should she hide her perfection?  After all, she is also blessed with a body every bit as sensuous as mine.  And what did they do classically with such perfection?  Did they hide it under clothes?  No, I tell you!  No! The ancient Greeks and Romans had the right idea.  Look at all their statues and the paintings made by those inspired by them.  Since Lola is such a paragon, they never would have allowed her to cover herself up as much as she does. Such an exemplar would bare it all so everyone could bask in her perfection and be deeply inspired, maybe even show us all just how deep her love for Trent runs.  Am I right, people?

Many people applaud and even make silly noises.  Upchuck hands the bag up to Cindy Eunice.

CINDY EUNICE
Now, what do you people say that Lola put on this minimally covering outfit I picked out especially to enhance her natural beauty and virtue?

Lots of applause and silly noises.  Daria climbs up on the table beside Cindy Eunice, eliciting even more applause and silly noises, causing her to raise her arms to silence them.  Only when they finally grow quiet does she speak.

DARIA
(Lola voice)
I’m, like, really honored you all think that I, Daria Lola Morgendorffer, am the epitome of perfection, but there are a couple of things you really ought to keep in mind.  1) I’m still a “misery chick” at heart, and the only reason I still look like this is because Harpies Records doesn’t trust me with the money I’d need to buy clothes more to my liking.  2) Though Trent has the normal male allocation of testosterone and has enjoyed me dressing like this to some extent, he doesn’t want me to turn into another Cindy, and I’d really hate to disappoint him.  Keep in mind that I’m the woman of his dreams, not the woman of yours.

Some expressions of disappointment.

DARIA
3) Though the ancient Greeks and Romans did use nudity as a form of glorification, Cindy’s argument is specious.  Just because they did it isn’t in itself a reason I or anyone else should, not to mention that it would make me notorious and not respected as a paragon of virtue in today’s society.  I do assume that none of you would really want me to ruin my image of perfection with anything that hints at tawdry banality.  You know in the long run it will only hurt me.

Some mumbles of doubt at Cindy Eunice’s suggestions.

DARIA
And 4) my parents are due to be here any moment now, and they are very good about keeping their appointments.  I’m sure you all remember my mother, the lawyer.  She was rather upset when she first saw me dressed like a cheerleader. Though she can accept that I look like this now, she would get very mad if my virtue were actually compromised in the way Cindy’s suggesting, and she would sue every single one of you on any charge she could make stick, and believe me, she could make you all pay dearly, not to mention—Hi, Mommy! Hi, Daddy!

CINDY EUNICE
(jumping into Upchuck’s arms)
Quick!  Everybody out of here now!

Lots of people, including Cindy Eunice and Upchuck, rush out of the restaurant.

Daria gets off the table and takes a seat by Trent.  Trent pulls Daria into his lap and starts feeling up her stomach.

JESSE
Whoa.

JANE
Wow.  You really are still Daria inside.

TRENT
Told you.

Trent kisses Daria, making her smile.

DARIA
(monotone)
And don’t you forget it.

Quinn enters and approaches.

QUINN
Um, Lola—

DARIA
The name is “Daria”.

QUINN
Oops.  Sorry.  Mom and Dad aren’t coming.  They’re a lot less drunk, but they’re still freaked out.

DARIA
Damn.

QUINN
I’ve talked to them a little about you, and they’re trying to get used to you being a... a... a Lola.

DARIA
Excuse me?  I get strong-armed into continuing to look like this, thanks to them giving away my clothes, and they have the audacity to have a problem with me looking like this?

QUINN
This is our parents we’re talking about.  They’re not rational!  These are the people who once grounded you for something they knew you didn’t do.  Why are you expecting them to make sense?

DARIA
You have a point, Quinn.

QUINN
Not to mention that letting Trent grope you in front of other people really freaks them out.

DARIA
(to Trent)
I told you we had to cut back.

TRENT
(removing his hand from Daria’s stomach)
Sorry.  Bad habit.

Trent starts feeling up Daria’s thigh.  Daria sighs and rolls her eyes.

DARIA
I guess my parents and I are going to have to get used to this.
(to Quinn)
What’s the bottom line, Quinn?  When do I see Mom and Dad next?

QUINN
They’re preparing themselves to see you at the concert.

TRENT
There goes plan C.

DARIA
Damn.  I’m not getting any money from them for new clothes.  Hell, it means it’s still just me, Trent, and the baby against everyone else for a while.

JANE
Hey, Jesse and I are on your side.

JESSE
Yeah.

QUINN
Me, too, sis.

DARIA
I don’t believe it.

TRENT
Two of you have been pushing Daria to be Lolaesque since she got back.

JANE
Hey!  It’s not our fault Eunice won’t let us buy you something in your old style.  And if I may, is it so wrong for us to like seeing you like this? We’re artists!

DARIA
That’s stretching the term in Quinn’s case—

QUINN
I’m an appearance artist.

DARIA
You still can’t really say you’re on my side if you’re pushing the Harpies’ agenda.

QUINN

Damn.  I think she’s got us, Jane.

JANE
Aw, Hell.

Jane sighs.

JANE
OK, fine, I’ll stop pushing for you to keep the Lola look.

QUINN
But she looks so—

Jane gives Quinn a look of dissatisfaction.

DARIA
No, and you know what I want for you to do to make it up to me.

QUINN
But Eunice won’t give us the money for such ugly clothes!

DARIA
I know.  But I suppose you two have enough money somewhere to pay for them yourselves.

JANE AND QUINN
Aw, Hell!

JESSE
Bummer.

Beat.

QUINN
You do realize that Eunice isn’t going to like this.

TRENT
That’s her problem.  There wasn’t anything in that contract saying Daria can’t own or wear a loose jacket.

Trent kisses Daria.

JANE
Just one thing:  will you at least pose for me as a misery chick?

Trent looks excited by the idea.

DARIA
(trying not to capitulate)
We’ll talk later.

INT. J. J. JEETERS.

Standing by a set of mirrors is Daria, wearing clothes essentially identical to her canonical outfit (sans glasses), except her jacket is unzipped (revealing a tight burnt orange baby T-shirt which leaves her midriff exposed) and she is not wearing anything on her feet.  Trent is occupied giving her a passionate kiss.  Jane (still “conventional”) and Quinn (holding Elaine) stand nearby, looking a bit disappointed.

SUPER:  WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2002.

Daria becomes aware of what is happening and breaks lip-lock.

DARIA
(monotone)
This is a pleasant way to wake up.

TRENT
I thought you’d like it.
(turning Daria around so she can see herself in the mirrors)
Perfect, aren’t they?

DARIA
(admiring her own appearance)
Wow.  I feel happy enough to dance for joy.
(beat)
OK, the feeling’s passed.

Trent laugh/coughs and starts feeling up Daria’s midriff.

QUINN
Oh, God...

DARIA
Seriously, Trent, this is perfect.  I don’t feel Lolaesque at all.
(beat)
Even with you feeling me up.  Didn’t we have yet another little talk about that?

TRENT
I’m really struggling with that, and you looking so hot isn’t helping.  Give me a few years to work on it.

Daria rolls her eyes and sighs.

DARIA
Why do I even bother?

QUINN
Maybe you feel guilty about being Trent’s love-slave, and you’re trying to prove to yourself—

DARIA
Quinn!

QUINN
Sorry.

JANE
Well, she is right.  Let’s cut to the chase, Daria.  What do want more:  to look like a “misery chick”, or for Trent to stop these excessive public displays of affection?  Not to mention you’re just asking for a repeat of what happened at the Chinese restaurant.

Daria sighs.

DARIA
Let’s just pay for the clothes and get out of here.

JANE
Yes!  I can do something with this artistically!

DARIA
I hate you, Janey.

A salesclerk approaches.

SALESCLERK
I’m sorry, ma’am, but you can’t buy those clothes.

DARIA
Why not?

TRENT
Yeah!  She looks hot in them.

Trent kisses Daria.

SALESCLERK
I personally don’t care what you wear, but I have orders from the owner of the company.

DARIA
You mean there really is someone named “J. J. Jeeters”?

SALESCLERK
Actually, J. J. Jeeters is owned by Angier Sloane.

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

TRENT
Isn’t he—

DARIA
Yes, he invested in Harpies Records.

TRENT
Damn!

DARIA
My thoughts exactly.
(to the salesclerk)
Does it make any difference that Quinn and Janey are paying?

SALESCLERK
Sorry.

DARIA
Double damn.

SALESCLERK
I’ve also gotten orders to pull the clothes from the shelves if you ever showed up.

QUINN
But the shirt—

SALESCLERK
I’m sorry.  Orders are orders.

QUINN
You know, maybe we can get something close at Cashman’s—

SALESCLERK
I’ve been also told to tell you if you ever showed up not to bother trying to buy geeky clothes anywhere in Lawndale.

DARIA
Damned PR manager.

TRENT
Are you telling us every clothing store owner in Lawndale has invested in Harpies Records?

SALESCLERK
I’m afraid so.

DARIA AND TRENT
Aw, Hell.

SALESCLERK
It’s not so bad.  Mr. Sloane wants to donate an outfit to your wardrobe which he has good reason to believe you’ll like.

DARIA
Oh, no...

SMASH CUT TO:  INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT.

Lola and the Mystik Spiral perform the last chords of a song.  Daria is wearing a Lola outfit, only the top is black-and-white checkered and the miniskirt is tan.  Nick’s wife stands by observing.  Daria and Trent look very turned on, and as soon as Trent has put his guitar down, he and Daria are making out horizontally on the dilapidated sofa.

NICK’S WIFE
OK, you slobs, let’s break for lunch.

MAX
But we’ve got to practice a lot more for tomorrow.

NICK’S WIFE
When Lola and Trent can’t keep their hands off each other, there’s no way we can get anything done.  Everybody, be back here in an hour, or I’ll get very mad.

Nick, Nick’s wife, Max, and Jesse put their stuff down and wander off. Suddenly, the sound of a few pictures being taken in rapid succession is heard.  Daria and Trent break lip-lock and turn to see who is photographing them.

ZOOM OUT TO ALSO SHOW CINDY EUNICE (AS EUNICE, LOOKING VERY TIRED), UPCHUCK (ONE ARM AROUND CINDY EUNICE’S WAIST), AND ALISON (FROM IS IT FALL YET?, HOLDING A CAMERA).

Daria and Trent quickly move into sitting positions, Trent pulling Daria into his lap.

ALISON
Don’t mind me.  Go back to what you were doing.

DARIA
(Lola voice)
Excuse me, but who are you?

CINDY EUNICE
Allow me to introduce an old friend of mine, Alison Cheney, photographer.

UPCHUCK
Ms. Cheney is here at the behest of a prominent magazine.

TRENT
(“So what?”)
Uh-huh.

Enter Jane, unnoticed.

DARIA
Please go away.  I’m in a bad mood, especially if I have to deal with my archenemy and her plot to keep me as ditzy as possible.

ALISON
All I want to do is talk to you two and take some pictures of you behaving naturally.

JANE
(drawing attention)
Hey!  Get away from them, you slime-ball!  I’m the one with the monopoly on photographing Daria Lola!  She won’t pose for anyone else!

ALISON
Oh, hi, Jane.  I didn’t realize I was hedging in on your territory.

DARIA
It doesn’t matter.  I’m not posing.

UPCHUCK
Oh, but you will if Trent—

TRENT
Hey, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets, and if she doesn’t want to pose, I am not going to make her do it.

JANE
 “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets”?

DARIA
It’s from a song in “Damn Yankees”.  Trent knows his music.

CINDY EUNICE
Let me remind you, Lola:  you’re now making a living which is dependent on exposure.  You cannot turn down opportunities to show yourself off to the public.

DARIA
Forget it.

ALISON
I promise:  I won’t ask you to do anything you wouldn’t otherwise do on your own.  I’ll even let Jane do the photography.

Daria and Trent exchange a look.

TRENT
I suppose we can live with that.

ALISON
Good.  So why don’t you two go back to doing the Lola-and-Trent, and Jane can photograph what happens from there.

DARIA
Excuse me?

ALISON
You know.
(beat)
Trent helps you out of your clothes, and—

DARIA AND TRENT
Out!

ALISON
I’m not here to take pictures of anything embarrassing—

JANE
Trust me, Alison.  Lola’s squeamish about showing too much skin, and Trent’s very supportive about Lola maintaining her “dignity”, no matter how eager he is to grope her.  He may not look mad, but he is, and you do not want to see him get any madder than he already is now.

ALISON
Fine.  It wasn’t like I could count on positive results anyway.

Exit Alison.

DARIA
(monotone)
What the Hell were you thinking, Eunice?

CINDY EUNICE
It is my job to handle publicity.

JANE
Pornographically?

Enter the Fashion Club (Quinn carrying Elaine, Tiffany and Stacy carrying covered trays), unobserved by Cindy Eunice and Upchuck.

UPCHUCK
The people who put out Eyeful do a very tasteful job, and there was no intention to show the luscious Lola as anything but Trent’s dedicated love-slave, ever at his beck and call to do whatever brings him the most pleasure.

Upchuck growls.

DARIA
How many times do I have to tell people I am not a love-slave?

CINDY EUNICE
If you are not a love-slave, you do a great job of giving the impression of being one.  You let Trent show you whatever affection he wished while you were on the run from the Mob, and it is no wonder that he finds it so hard now to stop his enjoyment, especially since you do not have the heart to deny him his pleasure and you need his proximity to avoid turning into the ex-cheerleader you feigned being.  And if you do turn into an ex-cheerleader, you become very eager to please Trent anyway.  So either way, you come off as lovingly subservient to Trent.  QED.

DARIA AND TRENT
Damn.

JANE
Why do you think I’ve told you that since you can’t escape it to have fun with the role, Daria?

Daria glares at Jane.

CINDY EUNICE
Well, that is the rational thing to do.  It is of little concern that you will not pose nude, as fun as it would be to see that.  You are still Lola enough to make your fans very happy, and that will not change by tomorrow.  Even in your attempt to be Daria again this morning you were largely Lola, leaving your jacket open so Trent and anyone else around could see what was underneath and letting him show you affection as he has been accustomed. You have not even gone back to wearing glasses, giving Trent that great view of your eyes he likes.  Soon no one will even remember you as Daria, so you might as well be happy as Lola instead.

Exit Cindy Eunice and Upchuck (both smiling), ignoring the Fashion Club. Elaine makes the Bronx cheer at Cindy Eunice and Upchuck as they leave.

TIFFANY
(to Quinn)
Lola used to be Daria?  That’s not possible.

QUINN
I’ll explain it to you again later, Tiffany.

SANDI
(to Daria)
Imagine the nerve of Eunice, demeaning you like that, especially when she’s really the slimiest person in Lawndale.

DARIA
What are you doing here?

STACY
We just thought you and Trent would like some lunch.

Stacy lifts the lid on her tray, revealing salad.

SANDI
Unlike certain people, we do appreciate you as Daria.

Trent laughs/coughs.

DARIA
We’re not buying it.

QUINN
We mean it, sis.

SANDI
We first began to realize what a wonderful person you were when Quinn showed us your stories.

STACY
I cried for almost a week when I read “Depth Takes a Holiday”.  It was so beautiful.

TIFFANY
(obvious canned statement)
I liked the Melody Powers stories better.  It had such wonderful character development.

DARIA
OK, what do you really want?  You’ve been trying to coerce me into being “fashionable” ever since we got back, which naturally has made us very hostile towards you.  Now you’re down here making nice.  Do you think we can’t detect sucking up?  I’m not as stupid as I look, and I do have mommy radar.

TIFFANY
What’s mommy radar?

SANDI
We’ll explain it later.

ELAINE
Gah!

QUINN
If I may, no one in Lawndale seriously doubts you’re going to do well as a performer.  We’ve got pre-orders for thousands of your CDs already—and the album still has to be recorded.  Now, my friends and I hope to do well in the fashion industry, and it wouldn’t hurt if we had, shall we say, just a teensy-weensy little endorsement from you.

TRENT
You’ve got to be kidding.

SANDI
This is not a joke, Trent.  It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we could really use a leg-up.

JANE
And to think I’m just in this to make art based on my beautiful sister-in-law...

DARIA
I think we can make a deal.

TRENT
What!?

DARIA
Here’s the thing:  I need an outfit that screams “Daria”.

TIFFANY
Ew.  Why would you want that?  You’re not—

STACY
Tiffany!  Get it into your freaking head that Lola used to be Daria, and stop making things worse by being an idiot!

TIFFANY
Sorry.

SANDI
Lola-dear, you know we have standards we have to adhere to.  We can’t just put you in something shapeless.

DARIA
And I have my own set of standards which I’m determined to live up to.  So if you want that endorsement, you had better find me a “misery chick” outfit. You can make it look a little more stylish than what I used to wear.  I’ll even agree to leave the jacket unzipped so—
(with difficulty)
—Trent can admire my form.  But whatever you do, I had better look like Daria at the concert if you want anything from me besides a cold shoulder.

The Fashion Club exchange looks.

SANDI
Ladies, we leave immediately for the Mall of the Millennium, and we’re taking my car...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Daria and Trent are sitting on the sofa, playing with Elaine and a toy glockenspiel.  Elaine is slowly tapping out a crude but recognizable version of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”.  Sitting opposite them are four cheerleaders (none of the canonical ones).

DARIA
(monotone)
Guys, I’m honored, but you really don’t understand me.  I never was a cheerleader.

ELAINE
Gah!

CHEERLEADER #1
But we remember you on the squad!

CHEERLEADER #2
You were the best, better than even Brittany.

DARIA
You’re mistaking me for that ditz who looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

CHEERLEADER #3
But even the coach says you were on the squad.

DARIA
You’re taking the word of a Lawndale High School teacher over mine?

Enter Cindy Eunice (as Eunice), carrying two pom-poms.  Elaine points at her and makes the Bronx cheer.

CINDY EUNICE
Hey.  I thought you two might appreciate these, seeing as Quinn swiped all your stuff.

Cindy Eunice holds out the pom-poms for Daria to take.

DARIA
What am I supposed to do with those?

CINDY EUNICE
You’re an ex-cheerleader, and you’ve obviously been feeding Trent’s cheerleader fantasy.

TRENT
(lying)
I never had such a fantasy.

DARIA
And I am not—

CINDY EUNICE
Oh, please.  Don’t be so modest.  I did it myself when we dated, and your outfit is a dead give-away.

CHEERLEADER #4
(to Daria)
I knew it!

CHEERLEADER #2
Who else could have come up with the squad’s best cheers, like “Cheer! Cheer! Cheer!  Yell!  Yell!  Yell!  It doesn’t matter.  We’re all going to Hell!”?

ALL CHEERLEADERS
(cheering in unison)
Go, Lions!

DARIA
I was not a cheerleader, and that was Jane’s cheer, not mine.

CHEERLEADER #1
She was great, too.

DARIA
She wasn’t a cheerleader either.

CHEERLEADER #3
In any case, could you please give us some pointers?  All the really good people on the squad graduated, and we really need the help.

DARIA
Out!

CINDY EUNICE
Give Lola a week or two.  She has too much to do right now to do volunteer work.  Having a new baby and a new job does that to people.

CHEERLEADER #4
Oh!  What were we thinking?

DARIA
But—

CHEERLEADERS
(getting up; asynchronously)
Bye, Lola!  Catch you later!  Thanks!

Exit the cheerleaders.

DARIA
Damn it, Eunice—

CINDY EUNICE
(dropping the pom-poms)
I know:  you want to eviscerate me.  You cannot tolerate the thought of your history being rewritten.

DARIA
Much less me being burdened with having allegedly been a cheerleader.

CINDY EUNICE
You’ll get used to it, and most of the work is being done by people—

ELAINE
Gah!

CINDY EUNICE
—who do not want to remember you as an outcast anyway, so you cannot blame me for more than just fanning the flames.

DARIA
Damn.

CINDY EUNICE
Go ahead and hate me.  You are going to still make a great ex-cheerleader, and I would start writing some cheers for your new disciples if I were you.

Enter the Fashion Club from outside, carrying some bags.

CINDY EUNICE
Where have you four been?

SANDI
Shopping for Lola’s wardrobe.

CINDY EUNICE
Good.  I assume what you got conforms to the standards I laid down.

QUINN
(extracting an orange baby T-shirt from a bag)
Of course we followed them!  This shirt will do a great job of showing off Lola’s form, not to mention leaving her midriff exposed and displaying enough cleavage to make sure Trent can’t take his eyes off of her.

CINDY EUNICE
Excellent.  And while I am at it, make sure Lola does not chuck the pom-poms in the trash.

STACY
What’s she supposed to do with those?

CINDY EUNICE
Pander to Trent’s libido, of course.

Exit Cindy Eunice towards her office/bedroom as the Fashion Club shudders. Trent gets lost in thought and starts feeling up Daria’s waist.

TIFFANY
Ew!

DARIA
I take it you found what I wanted?

SANDI
Of course we did.  We just asked ourselves “Where would we never set foot?” and went there.

DARIA
Good.  Let’s get those clothes to the bedroom so I can try them on.

Daria, standing up, notices Trent looking back and forth between her and the pom-poms.

DARIA
Don’t even think of it, Trent.

TRENT
(snapping out of it)
Sorry.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

Daria is now dressed in the outfit the Fashion Club has bought, which is identical to her canonical outfit except that the jacket is open, revealing the shirt to be just as Quinn described it.  She is finally wearing glasses again.  Trent, sitting on the bed with Daria in his lap, is doing the Lola-and-Trent with her as the Fashion Club (Sandi holding Elaine) looks on.

SANDI
You were right, Stacy.  The shirt is a major improvement, and Trent seems to agree.

STACY
Thanks.

QUINN
Now if only we can do something about those klunky boots...

TIFFANY
Ew!  Lola looks almost like Daria.

SANDI
Tiffany, how many times do we have to explain it?  Lola is the same person as Daria.

TIFFANY
That’s so wrong.  It has to be a mistake.

QUINN
It’s not a freaking mistake!  Next you’ll be telling us that Eunice and Cindy aren’t the same person, too.

TIFFANY
They are?
(shuddering)
Ew!

SANDI
Come on, Tiffany-dear.  Let’s just leave them alone and put Precious here to bed, and we’ll explain it to you again...

Exit the Fashion Club.

Jane, with Jesse attached, comes down the hall and snaps several pictures before continuing down the hall.

Presently the Harpies (Cindy Eunice as Eunice) and Upchuck (one arm around Cindy Eunice’s waist), conversing among themselves, come down the hall.

SAMANTHA
—in my entire life.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself, April, for—

The Harpies and Upchuck come to a halt in front of the doorway.

CINDY EUNICE
Aw, Hell.  Those meddling fashion phonies lied to me.

MONIQUE
(deadpan)
Oh, gee, big surprise.

APRIL
Not to mention something we ourselves do all the time—and you’re the worst offender.  Just how many times did you lose your virginity?

CINDY EUNICE
The Fashion Club are a bunch of slow-witted imbeciles driven by the need to promote “fashion” without concession.  They should not be betraying their misguided ideals.
(beat)
OK, Lola, what did you offer them?

Daria waves a hand in a “go away” sign.

CINDY EUNICE
Don’t tell me to go away.  I am working my butt off trying to make you a success, and here you are ignoring every bit of my advice that you can bear to do in the short term without dumping Trent and running for the hills.

SAMANTHA
Why should you care?  She’s still Trent’s love-slave, and she does make the outfit work.

CINDY EUNICE
She is wearing glasses and an ugly jacket.

UPCHUCK
And what’s wrong with that?  Gentlemen do make passes at girls who wear glasses, not to mention that even with that jacket, Lola has given Trent easy access to her luscious form.  Maybe he’ll even strip her out of it on-stage.

Upchuck growls and starts unbuttoning Cindy Eunice’s jacket.

CINDY EUNICE
Lola does not look like a cheerleader, and that is unacceptable.

APRIL
I told you that would never work.  A love-slave, yes, but a cheerleader, forget it.  It goes too much against her personality.

CINDY EUNICE
Does not.

APRIL
Does, too.  Where are my 50 George Ws?

CINDY EUNICE
The bet was for that she would be Lola the Cheerleader at the concert.  There is still time.

MONIQUE
But absolutely no hope.  Be happy she’ll never get out of Trent’s lap and pay up.

CINDY EUNICE
We will see who pays up...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY—MORNING.

Jane (still dressed “conventionally”, carrying a camera) and Jesse come down the hall.

SUPER:  THURSDAY, 27 JUNE 2002

JESSE
Come on, Jane—

JANE
Something interesting’s going on, and I’ve got to be there.

JESSE
(slipping an arm around Jane’s waist)
Can’t we just go back to bed?

JANE
Jesse, I’m an artist.  I have to go where my inspiration takes me, and at the moment that’s in the direction of those muffins I smell.  Daria’s baking again, and I’m hoping to get some inspiration for a video.

JESSE
What about breakfast?

JANE
That, too.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, KITCHEN, ENTRANCE.

Enter Jane and Jesse.

JANE
Yes!  Lola’s back!

ZOOM OUT TO ALSO SHOW DARIA LOLA.

Daria, glassesless, her hair in pigtails, and barefoot, is dressed in a green Lola outfit, standing by the stove, holding a tray of muffins, and looking very confused.

DARIA
(monotone)
Janey, what am I doing here?

JANE
(snapping a picture)
Making muffins, obviously.

DARIA
That’s not supposed to happen.  Trent’s tied me to the bed the last two nights.

JANE
Wow!  I never expected—

DARIA
Get your mind out of the gutter, Janey.  We didn’t do anything kinky.  It was just enough so that I couldn’t wander all over the house.

JANE
Damn!

JESSE
(looking amazingly thoughtfully at Jane)
Hmm...

Daria puts the tray of muffins and her hot pad on the stove and looks down at herself.

DARIA
And it looks like I did more than just untie myself.

JANE
Can’t say I blame you.  You can’t seem to stop trying to please Trent these days.

DARIA
I will kill you, Janey.

JANE
No, you won’t.  You’d hurt Trent’s feelings.

Daria rolls her eyes.

DARIA
Excuse me while I change into something less embarrassing.

JANE
Damn!
(beat)
Will you at least keep the jacket unzipped?

Daria mutters something unintelligible and exits.

JANE
Yes!

JESSE
Can we go back to your bedroom now?  I want to try—

JANE
Don’t even think of it, Jesse.  It’s been fun since we got together, but you can’t expect me to do for you everything Lola does for Trent.

JESSE
Aw, man!

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

Trent is asleep in bed, with Monique (fully dressed, sitting next to him) trying to wake him up.

MONIQUE
Come on, Trent.  Time for us to have a little fun while Lola’s sleepwalking.

Daria bursts into the room and drags Monique away from the bed.

DARIA
Damn it, Monique!

MONIQUE
Hey!

DARIA
Is it too much to ask that you stay away from my husband?

MONIQUE
He was my fiancé first, and he certainly didn’t complain.

TRENT
(definitely not conscious)
Daria...

DARIA
Only because he thought you were me.  And you had the gall to get me out of the room and into an outfit he doesn’t want to see me in.

MONIQUE
You don’t listen well, Lola.  I came in here while you were already washing dishes in the kitchen.  You were also dressed like a bimbo.

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

Daria stands up straight and looks around.

DARIA
You didn’t happen to see my new outfit when you came in here; did you?

MONIQUE
I didn’t care.  All I wanted was Trent’s—

Daria clears her throat.

MONIQUE
—sweet embrace.  I didn’t trip over your boots either, for your information.

DARIA
How do I know you’re not lying?

MONIQUE
The only thing I have a motive for is untying you and sending you on your merry way.  We both know who wants you to be a clone of Katie.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM.

On one side of the bed is sleeping Upchuck (in silk pajamas).  On the other is sitting Cindy Eunice (as Eunice, not wearing her jacket or glasses, with her hair down, very stressed), working on a laptop computer with some papers around her.  She has a mug of coffee, her glasses, and a cell phone on an end-table.  Her jacket is on the back of a chair.

The door is kicked open from the outside, revealing Daria, Monique, and Trent, all three of whom approach.  Daria lunges to attack Cindy Eunice, but Trent grabs her and holds her tightly.

CINDY EUNICE
(deadpan)
Oh, please come in.  Let me get you some tea and cookies.

DARIA
You’re lucky Trent’s here, Eunice, because if he weren’t, I’d tear your head off!

TRENT
When are you going to stop keeping Daria from wearing cool clothes?

CINDY EUNICE
Those are cool clothes.  That will be the “in”—
(yawn)
—look as of tonight.

DARIA
If I may, why the Hell did you still steal my new clothes?

CINDY EUNICE
(mock innocent)
Me?  Why would I do such a thing?

MONIQUE
You’re the one with the motive.

CINDY EUNICE
Does any of us really have a motive for anything?  After all, we are all doomed to die, so in the end everything we do is ultimately futile and does not matter.  Thus there is no good reason for us to do anything at all, and I have no motive whatsoever.  QED.

TRENT
What?

DARIA
That’s pure sophistry.  You have a motive by any reasonable standard.

CINDY EUNICE
Yes, but did anyone see me steal such clothing?  I certainly did no such thing. I have been working in this room all night with Charles except to go to the bathroom and get more coffee.

TRENT
Yeah, right.

CINDY EUNICE
Ask Charles if you do not believe me.

MONIQUE
He’s asleep.

CINDY EUNICE
Well, he was awake until a while ago, encouraging me to finish what I was working on so we could finally—

DARIA
(struggling against Trent’s grasp)
We don’t need the details, and we don’t believe your story anyway.  Now, how many pieces shall I tear you in?

CINDY EUNICE
You cannot even know if I took your clothes, Lola, assuming I had committed such a crime.  After all, absolute knowledge is intrinsically impossible to discover, due to—

MONIQUE
Cut the philosobabble, Eunice.  You’re not dealing with morons.

CINDY EUNICE
If you do not believe me, then you can spend several hours calling up everyone I have called during the night.  I am still waiting for Spears’s people to get back to me.  In the meantime, I am working on a short authorized biography of Lola and have gotten through her stint as a cheerleader at Lawndale High.

DARIA
Putting aside the fact that I never authorized such a thing, you still could have spared a few minutes to commit burglary.

CINDY EUNICE
Perhaps, though maybe that is only what the person who took your favorite outfit wants you to think.

DARIA
Excuse me?

CINDY EUNICE
The Harpies are like sisters:  we both love and hate each other.  Consider this possibility:  I was framed, maybe even by your great advocate, Monique.

MONIQUE
Hey!  I don’t care how Lola dresses.  All I want is my fair share of Trent.

TRENT
Now wait a—

CINDY EUNICE
(to Monique)
So you make it look like I stole her moping clothes, thereby assigning the blame to me, her archenemy.  Then you side with Lola against me, which puts you in Trent’s good graces and makes it easier for you to seduce him.

MONIQUE
I did not—

CINDY EUNICE
And let us not forget Samantha and April, who have motives of their own, starting with our eternal resentment-fest.  So none of us can be a priori pinpointed as the true culprit.

DARIA
Well, you have been the one pushing me to gracefully submit to being Trent’s love-slave...

CINDY EUNICE
You are already Trent’s love-slave.  All you need now is to stop fighting it so you can serve your master in a guiltless state of pure bliss.

TRENT
You’d better get that office building soon, because I want you out of my house as soon as possible.

CINDY EUNICE
Charles found us a place.  He even ordered a bed to put in your and Lola’s office so you two can—

DARIA
I’m not listening to any more of this.
(to Monique)
Monique, search the room.

MONIQUE
It’s your damn outfit.  You search the room.

DARIA
If Trent lets me go, I’m going to tear Eunice’s head off.  You search the room.

TRENT
Do what she says, Monique.

MONIQUE
I am not here to—

CINDY EUNICE
If I may, people, 1) I am not stupid, so even if I did take the outfit, I would not stash it in here.  2) Since I still have things to do...

SMASH CUT TO:  INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY, RIGHT OUTSIDE THE MASTER BEDROOM.

Cindy Eunice shoves Daria, Trent, and Monique out of the master bedroom and shuts the door behind her.

DARIA
Well, that was productive...
(to Trent)
Did you know she was so strong?

Trent shrugs.

MONIQUE
(slipping an arm around Trent’s waist, mock-yawning)
Well, we’d better get to bed, then.

TRENT
(pulling away and embracing Daria)
What makes you think I’m going to bed with you?

MONIQUE
You want a “misery chick” outfit for Lola?  The only way you’re going to get it now is through me, and you know what it’s going to take.

DARIA
You’re right.  We do know what it’s going to take.
(to Trent)
Come on.  We’ve got to call the Fashion Club.

Daria and Trent move to walk away.

MONIQUE
Hey, wait a minute!  Do you think Eunice didn’t plan for this?  She probably got them grounded.

DARIA
I thought they were interns and would get into trouble if they didn’t come in to work.

MONIQUE
I can’t say what she’s done, but, trust me, Eunice has done something to keep you from your precious “moping clothes”.

DARIA
You’re making it sound like she’s all-powerful.

MONIQUE
No, but she does have a way with making what she wants happen.  Have you seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?

DARIA
Yes.

MONIQUE
She’s pulled off stuff like what happened in that movie before.  So trust me:  you will not be able to get any moping clothes if she can at all help it.
(beat)
Of course, I’ll lend you one of my outfits... for a price.

TRENT
I am not sleeping with you, Monique!

MONIQUE
Damn.

INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN’S ROOM.

Quinn is asleep in bed.  The phone rings.  Quinn gropes at it, picks up the receiver, and answers.

QUINN
(into phone, sleepily)
Jeffy, stop calling me.  I told you:  you’re just not right for me.  We really don’t have anything in common.  I’m sorry if it hurts you now—

SPLIT SCREEN WITH DARIA IN HER AND TRENT’S BEDROOM.

Daria is sitting in Trent’s lap and talking on the duck phone.  Trent, still a bit sleepy, is sitting on the bed and feeling up Daria.

DARIA
(into phone)
Quinn, it’s your sister Daria.

QUINN
(still not really awake)
Huh?

DARIA
You know:  Lola, the pretty and perky Morgendorffer sister?  The one who holds your future as a fashion success in the palm of her hand?

Quinn’s eyes open wider.

QUINN
(into phone)
Daria, we got you those clothes you wanted.  Can’t I get a little beauty sleep?

DARIA
(into phone)
Much as I want you to look your best, we’ve got a problem:  someone stole my nice, new clothes, probably Eunice.

QUINN
(into phone)
And good for her.  You really ought to stay away from—

DARIA
(into phone)
And if I don’t look like Daria on-stage tonight, you and your little friends won’t be getting any endorsement from me.

QUINN
(into phone)
God, Daria!  What do you want from us?  Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany have been grounded for helping you.  I only got away with it because I was able to pass it off as being “sisterly” to Mom and Dad.  Haven’t you done enough to humiliate us already?

DARIA
(into phone)
Quinn—

QUINN
(into phone)
Oh, God!  When will the madness end?  I just can’t get you another geeky outfit!  I’m sorry!

DARIA
(into phone)
Quinn, you can make me look like Daria again, or you can have me implying to the fashion world that you’re nothing but a poser.

QUINN
(into phone)
You wouldn’t.

DARIA
(into phone)
I don’t have to lift a finger to make it happen.  You know very well that people imitate celebrities, including music stars.  Now, do you think for a minute that once I can, I won’t go back to my old look?

QUINN
(into phone)
Consider carefully what you’re doing, Daria.  You could—

DARIA
(into phone)
I’d really hate to disappoint Trent, and you know that a lot of people are going to imitate me.  I’ll probably end up starting a new fashion trend. Do you want to be in on the ground floor of what’s hot, or do you want to be one of the losers?

Quinn swallows.

QUINN
(into phone)
But, Daria, where am I going to get anything you like? We had to go all the way to the Mall of the Millennium the last time, and you know Eunice is going to get them to stop stocking the misery chick stuff before I can get there—as if Mom and Dad really are going to give me use of a car.

DARIA
(into phone)
Quinn, you don’t have to make things perfect.  I’m willing to be stylish and attractive.  But I need to look like Daria, enough that I’m automatically reminded of who I am and don’t slip into my Lola behaviors.  Can you do that?

QUINN
(into phone)
But—

DARIA
(into phone)
 “Give the kid a break, Monique.  She may be too passé to be a model or a fashion designer, but I’m sure she’ll make a great secretary.”

QUINN
(into phone)
Eep!
(beat)
Point well-taken, Daria.

DARIA
(into phone)
Good.  Now go get me those clothes.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

Daria is sitting in Trent’s lap, talking on a cellular phone as Trent reads from a note-pad and fondles and kisses her.  Elaine sits in a high chair, playing with the toy glockenspiel.  A camera crew is finishing setting up. Monique is banging away on a laptop computer off to the side.

DARIA
(getting a bit emotional, though not quite at the point of using her Lola voice; into phone)
Thanks, Jodie.  You don’t know how much this means to me.
(beat)
Go ahead.
(beat)
Hell no.  This look is history as soon as I can get my hands on the proper outfit.
(beat)
Blame the PR psycho.
(beat)
Trust me:  you do not want to know.
(beat)
I don’t know.  Trent has a brain fetish, and whenever I write anything—
(beat)
Mack, listen to me—
(beat)
I don’t want—
(beat)
Hello?  Hello?

Daria hangs up the phone.

DARIA
Lola and the Mystik Spiral:  corrupting the youth of America.

MONIQUE
Don’t be ridiculous.  Kids were corrupted long before you got into the music business.

DARIA
Yeah, maybe...

TRENT
You going to be OK, Daria?

DARIA
I think I’m going to make it through this interview, at least.

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
Though, for the three-thousandth time, I wish you would tone down the displays of affection in front of other people.

TRENT
Sorry.  What you wrote makes that really, really hard.  Maybe I’ll start on it in a month or two.

Daria rolls her eyes and sighs resignedly as Trent kisses her.

DARIA
Just, please, keep your hands out of my clothes.

TRENT
I’ll try, but you know being Dariaesque really drives me wild.

Trent kisses Daria.

Enter Margaret Haight (the Sick, Sad World reporter).  Elaine points at her and makes the Bronx cheer.

HAIGHT
(approaching Daria and Trent)
Hi.  I’m glad to finally meet you two in person.

MONIQUE
(under her breath)
Took her long enough...

DARIA
(faux sweet)
Hi!

TRENT
Hey.

DARIA
We’ve been fans of Sick, Sad World for years.

HAIGHT
Are you ready to get started?

DARIA AND TRENT
(asynchronously)
Sure.

MONIQUE
Just don’t take too long.  You were supposed to do this hours ago, and if you’re going to do the interview this late, you’re not getting more than half an hour.

HAIGHT
(shrugging)
It’s not my fault my psychic advisor called me up and spent three hours warning me about the giant squid that’s going to devastate the coast next month.

MONIQUE
Uh-hmm.  I worry about such things all the time, too.  Now what about the interview?  Our PR woman would be chewing you out right now for being so late if she weren’t already busy on the phone with Britney Spears’s people...

HAIGHT
Are you all set up, Leonard?

MEMBER OF CAMERA CREW
Yeah, anytime you want.

TRENT
Wait a minute.  Are you alright, Ms. Haight?

HAIGHT
Yes.  Why do you ask?

TRENT
You don’t look right somehow.

HAIGHT
But I feel fine.

DARIA
Trent’s right.  Are your hands supposed to be shaped like that?

HAIGHT
(getting progressively panicked)
What’s wrong with my hands?

DARIA
Human hands are shaped in a very particular way.

TRENT
Yeah.  Your fingers are twisted all wrong.  Not to mention that the veins are the wrong color.

DARIA
Too much blue, I’d say.  And the knuckles are wrinkled all wrong.

TRENT
Sort of reminds me of that episode in which aliens implanted spy equipment in this guy’s feet.

DARIA
Oh, that one!  Didn’t he find himself suddenly allergic to water?

HAIGHT
Oh my god!  I’d better get to a hospital right now!

Haight rushes out of the house..

MONIQUE
You two just had to do that; didn’t you?

DARIA
(faux innocent)
What?  Did we do something wrong?

TRENT
That poor woman could have alien implants in her hands!  How could we not point that out to her?

Daria and Trent break into laughter/coughing, then settle into a passionate kiss.

CAMERA OPERATOR
Exactly what are we supposed to do now?

MONIQUE
(shrugging)
You people already did one ridiculous story about Lola and Trent’s sister Janey being alien skin-thieves.

STAGEHAND
We did?

CAMERA OPERATOR
The one where Margaret interviewed the kid who was abducted by gray-reptiloid hybrids.

STAGEHAND
Oh, that one!

MONIQUE
So make up something else ridiculous.  No one will know the difference anyway.

Enter Samantha, looking unhappy.  Elaine points at her and makes the Bronx cheer.

SAMANTHA
Lola, I want to—

CAMERA OPERATOR
Hey!  You’re a character from one of Lola’s stories:  Halloween from “Depth Takes a Holiday”!  I recognize you from the illustration!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
We can definitely do something with you.  Once Ms. Haight comes to her senses, would you care to be interviewed about life on Holiday Island?

SAMANTHA
(to Daria)
Lola, if you ever base a character on me again, even if Jane doesn’t make any pictures of her, you are so dead.
(to the camera crew)
Come back tomorrow.  I’ll probably need you as a threat to get “Cupid” and “St. Patrick” to get the CDs out on time.

STAGEHAND
Cool!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Could also arrange for us to meet X and Guy Fawkes?

SAMANTHA
Later.  I need to talk with Lola.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Mind if we listen in?

SAMANTHA
Yes, I do mind.  It’s company business.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

Enter Daria (carrying a giggling Elaine), Trent (an arm around Daria’s waist), and Samantha.

DARIA
What’s all this about?

SAMANTHA
(closing the door)
Let’s make a deal.  You do a little something for me, and I’ll get you that misery chick outfit you want.

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
Considering what Monique and April wanted, let me say off the bat that if what you want is immoral, illegal, or fattening, forget it.

SAMANTHA
Damn.  Never mind then.
(beat)
What if I promise to mug Monique to get the clothes?

TRENT
Hey!  Don’t even think of touching her!

DARIA
She’s selfish, Samantha.  She’s not out to torture me.  She doesn’t deserve assault and battery.

SAMANTHA
Fine.  Suit yourself.

Exit Samantha.

DARIA
You don’t actually—

TRENT
I still love Monique, but I love you more than her.

Enter Quinn, excited, carrying a garment bag and a shoe-box.

QUINN
Daria!  I talked to the rest of the Fashion Club, and we put together an outfit we’re sure you and Trent will love.

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
(skeptical)
Uh-huh.

QUINN
I promise you:  you’re going to look like Daria in this outfit.  Now strip so we can get you into it.

VOICE
Yes!
(saxophone imitation)

Trent slams the door shut.

TRENT
Damn cameraman...

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, RIGHT OUTSIDE DARIA AND TRENT’S ROOM.

There is a significant background hum of talking.  Samantha, “St. Patrick”, and “Cupid” (no wings, three-piece suit) converse while walking down the hall.

Upchuck and Cindy Eunice (as Eunice, looking haggard, leaning on Upchuck) come down the hall.  Cindy Eunice knocks on the door to Daria and Trent’s room.

CINDY EUNICE
Lola!  Trent!  This is not the time to be having a beautiful moment.

DARIA
(out of view)
Go away.  We’re busy discussing my outfit in here.

CINDY EUNICE
Let me remind you that you two have to put on a concert right about now and sing Britney Spears songs.

You can hear Daria sigh.

DARIA
(out of view)
Fine.

The door opens, and out step Daria, Trent, and Quinn (holding Elaine). The outfit Daria is wearing superficially resembles her canonical outfit, but the particulars are all wrong.  The shirt is one of her orange “Lola” shirts; the skirt is too short, clingy, and shiny, and has no pleats; the jacket is little more than a tight, bright green overshirt which does not close in front; and the boots are little more than klunky shoes.  She is not wearing glasses.  Trent puts an arm around her waist.  Quinn looks very smug.

DARIA
I’m ready for my humiliation, Mr. De Mille.

Cindy Eunice snickers.

CINDY EUNICE
What are you trying to do?

DARIA
(deadpan)
Control my anger so I don’t kill Quinn.
(to Quinn)
I repeat:  I told you I was willing to look stylish and attractive, which is not the same thing as showing off my cleavage and midriff.  I look like a bad Hollywood interpretation of myself.

QUINN
It’s not that bad, Daria.  How do you feel?

DARIA
There isn’t an ounce of perkiness in me.

QUINN
Good!  So you get to feel like yourself again, Trent’s not deprived, and you still—

ELAINE
Gah!

QUINN
—look beautiful for your fans.  Everybody wins.

DARIA
You might not.

QUINN
Hey, it’s the best I could do on—

UPCHUCK
Enough of this!
(to Cindy Eunice)
My precious, I believe we can do something with this new variation on the luscious Lola’s look.  We can always claim that she’s trying to satisfy her master Trent’s contradictory desires to have her back the way she looked a year ago and yet be able to admire her sensual form.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Oh, yes.  That’s me:  Lola the Love-Slave, ready to fulfill Trent’s slightest whim.  Please, Eunice, lend me your alien slave girl outfit so I can look the part.

Trent laughs/coughs.

CINDY EUNICE
Sarcasm aside, you will pass for a love-slave.  Katie thought she could break out of perky persona in public, too—and wearing a lot more than you are now—and she failed miserably.  Before she knew it, she was talking about clothes and makeup with a bunch of idiots.

TRENT
Daria’s stronger than that.

Trent kisses Daria.

CINDY EUNICE
She is no stronger than Katie is.
(to Daria)
And think about it, Lola:  do you want to really alienate your fans by dropping the bubbly persona?

DARIA
Are you trying to get me to stay in the music business or not?

CINDY EUNICE
I have seen the look in your eyes when you are on-stage, the look of someone who enjoys being in the spotlight, who enjoys performing, who enjoys bringing joy into people’s lives.

UPCHUCK
Not to mention a joy of seeing Trent perform and pleasing him by performing.

TRENT
She pleases me by staying Daria.

Trent kisses Daria, making her smile.

DARIA
And if you don’t mind, I’d rather deal with the crowd outside than you.  At least we won’t have the same argument with them over and over again.  Bye!

Exit Daria and Trent.  Elaine, still in Quinn’s arms, points at Cindy Eunice and Upchuck and makes the Bronx cheer.

QUINN
Wow!  She really does know who she’s doing that to.

CINDY EUNICE
Stop taking after your sister’s old persona, misery poser!

EXT. THE LANE HOUSE.

The house is surrounded by a crowd.

Jesse, Nick, and Max are finishing setting up on stage.  Jane (still “conventional”, with her hair now in two fairly short pigtails) is standing by the stage, checking over her camera, while people who look like Guy Fawkes and X (though these people don’t dress in clothes quite so holiday-themed) check over video cameras and sound equipment and are lectured by April with the aid of many gestures.  Monique is talking with the investors, who happen to include Jake and Helen.  Penny, Summer, Summer’s children (all from Lanes Miserables), Amanda, and Vincent are hawking Lola and the Mystik Spiral T-shirts.

The crowd produces thunderous applause as Daria and Trent, hand-in-hand, exit the house and ascend the stage, where Jesse, Nick, Max, and the appropriate equipment awaits them.

DARIA
(as Trent slips his arm around her waist; Lola voice)
Hello, Lawndalians.  I’m Daria Morgendorffer, now better known by my middle name, “Lola”.

Thunderous applause.

DARIA
(gesturing towards the others on stage)
And these are Mystik Spiral.  We’re really happy to be here.

More applause.

DARIA
Thank you.  We’re overwhelmed by the response we’ve gotten so far, even before the release of our first album.  The reviews of our first concert in Lawndale tend to dwell on the fact that Trent and I have musical talent, unlike some performers—

SOME PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE
Ooh!

DARIA
Not to mention that a lot of people appreciate that I’m highly intelligent—

Trent kisses Daria, making her smile.

DARIA
And that I can recognize which songs are worthless drivel.  In fact, this afternoon I got a call from my good friend Jodie Landon, who was not able to be here today.  But she has started the first Lola and the Mystik Spiral fan club, the Lovers of Lola Association, and the Web-site, found at http://www.lola.org , already boasts not only a collection of my stories and songs from our last concert—thank you, all you copyright violators out there—

Many in the audience applaud or go “Ooh!"

DARIA
—but they also have critical commentary, especially on my Melody Powers stories and Trent’s “Icebox Woman”.

Applause.

DARIA
Thank you.  It means a lot to me that you think of me as more than as just someone to look pretty.  Now, what do you say we get this concert started?

The audience applauds as Daria and Trent take their places at their instruments.

TRENT
What’ll the first song be?

DARIA
Just remember that whatever we perform goes on the album, which means you’re going to be hearing it on the radio for the next month, so you might want to think before you ask for “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.

Some laughter and cries of “Ooh!” from the audience.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
Are you really sure?  Trent and I must have performed that song at least 100 times, and you know we don’t like it.  The narrator in the song pines over the loss of her love, but she gives us no substantial indication of what she finds attractive about him in the first place.  For all we know, their relationship was founded on liking how each other looked, which is a sure way for it to fall apart sooner or later; after all, the narrator does call her lost love “pretty baby”. Surely you don’t expect that just because I bear a superficial resemblance to a certain alleged musical artist that I’m perfectly happy to sing such worthless drivel.  After all, my colleagues and I are talented and can perform a wide variety of good music.  Now, what do you really want to hear?

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
 “Baby One More Time”!

TRENT
Hell no!

VARIOUS TASTELESS PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE
(repeatedly)
 “Baby One More Time”! “Baby One More Time”! “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
OK, fine, we’ll do it.  We knew we were going to have to do requests at first. But we’re going to do it the way it always should have been done—well, close enough.  If it had been done right in the first place, it would have been a different song.

Some cries of “Ooh!” from the audience.

DARIA
Hit it!

Lola and the Mystik Spiral being playing.

DARIA
(emotionally)
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby.
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go,
And now you’re out of sight, yeah.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because...
My loneliness is killin’ me.
I must confess I still believe.
When I’m not with you, I lose my mind.
Give me a sign; hit me, baby, one more time!

Daria starts crying.

DARIA

Oh baby, baby, the reason I breathe is you.
Boy, you’ve got me blinded.
Oh, pretty baby, there’s nothin’ that I wouldn’t do.
That’s not the way I planned it.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because...
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know,
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you go?
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killin’ me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here,
And give me a sign; hit me, baby, one more time.
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here?
And give me a sign...
Hit me, baby, one more time!

When they finish the song, Trent embraces Daria (who is near the point of collapse) and passionately kisses her, putting his hands up the back of her shirt.  The audience applauds wildly.  Daria and Trent reluctantly come out of lip-lock.

DARIA
(wiping away the tears)
Thank you!  Thank you!

TRENT
Now that you people have had your token bad song, do you have any decent requests?

IDIOT IN THE AUDIENCE
 “Oops!  I Did It Again”!

Lola and the Mystik Spiral collectively roll their eyes.

INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM—NIGHT.

A crowd can still be heard outside.  The room is filled with people close to Daria and Trent in some way, in the midst of a party.  In one corner, “X” and “Guy Fawkes” are hitting on the Fashion Club sans Quinn.  Jesse, Max, and Nick are in another corner on chairs and are busy discussing how they’re going straight to the top, much to the annoyance of Nick’s wife; Nick’s kid is occupied imitating their hand movements.  On one end of the sofa sits Luhrmann (from “I Don’t”) with Amelia (from “Camp Fear”, glassesless and dressed in a “Lola” outfit) in his lap; on the other is Wind with a Daria-like woman (in an outfit resembling what Daria wears canonically, only this one is blue-and-green-themed, and the skirt is covered with fake fish scales) in his lap.

AMELIA
... I really do think Lola has the right idea.  Dressing like this and sitting in Luhrmann’s lap has been a great way of getting his undivided attention—

DARIA LOLA-LIKE WOMAN IN WIND’S LAP
(monotone; not caring)
Uh-huh.

AMELIA
But one thing I can’t seem to get used to is—
(gives a cry of discomfort as Luhrmann sticks a hand up the back of her shirt)
—him sticking his cold hands up the back my shirt.

LUHRMANN
(withdrawing his hand)
Sorry.

AMELIA
Lola doesn’t flinch at all.  How does she do it?

WIND
(to the woman in his lap)
You never complained about it.

WOMAN IN WIND’S LAP
Wind, we agreed we wouldn’t talk here about certain liberties I let you take with me in private.

WIND
(cringing)
Sorry, dear.

Enter Daria and Trent (one arm around Daria’s waist, the other holding Elaine).  The assembled break into applause.

DARIA
(monotone)
What?  All I did was feed the baby.
(beat)
Trent, after the party we’re checking our bedroom for bugs and peepholes.

Some laughter.  Trent laughs/coughs and kisses Daria.

Enter Jane (with a rolled-up poster) and Quinn.

JANE
(as she and Quinn approach)
Hey, guys.  We just decided on a picture for a cover and a poster.  How do you like this?

Jane unrolls the poster, revealing a blown-up photograph of Daria and Trent making out on Trent’s bed the night before—with Daria wearing a near-canonical outfit (with a tight orange baby T-shirt and the jacket left unzipped).  Those present applaud thunderously.

QUINN
(sighing)
Such a beautiful scene of true love.

TRENT
(smiling)
Cool.

DARIA
(getting perky)
You don’t know how much this means to me.  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

Cindy Eunice (as Eunice, looking exhausted) and Upchuck (helping support Cindy Eunice) approach.

CINDY EUNICE
Aw, Hell.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Yeah, I know.  I haven’t completely lost all the weight I gained while I was pregnant, and the camera just adds to it.  I look fat, and my ego is crushed.

Trent laughs/coughs.

CINDY EUNICE
I am trying to give your beloved Trent—and by extension, you—the most enjoyable life possible, and here you go again trying to distance yourself from the persona you are destined to adopt.
(to Jane and Quinn)
And you helped.

JANE
And we’ve got immunity from prosecution on this one.

QUINN
(smugly)
We do report directly to Monique, and she likes this picture.

CINDY EUNICE
Hmph!

UPCHUCK
I knew we should have let Chris and Guy Fox do the cover art...

CINDY EUNICE
(to Daria)
Don’t you know how hopeless your struggle is?  Just a moment ago when thanking Janey and Quinn you lapsed into perkiness.  Every time you are perky, people are happy, and people being happy reinforces you being perky, thus putting you one step further away from being a misery chick.  Face it:  it is only a matter of time before you turn into a bubbly ex-cheerleader completely, just like Katie did, so—

WOMAN SITTING IN WIND’S LAP
(waving her arms over her head; monotone)
Hello!  I’m sitting right over here!  Who’d you think I was?  Wind’s first wife?

All eyes turn towards the woman sitting in Wind’s lap.

KATIE (AKA WOMAN SITTING IN WIND’S LAP)
I’m as in love with Wind as Daria is with Trent, and I am not a “bubbly ex-cheerleader”.  What did she tell you, Daria?  That I can’t think of anything but making Wind happy?  That I’ve virtually become the character I played in a series of commercials?

CINDY EUNICE
But the last time I saw you—

KATIE
I regularly indulge Wind.  Despite his emotional problems, he’s a good husband, and I’m not ashamed to pose for him in my mermaid costume.
(pulling herself closer to Wind)
He’s probably the only person to have ever done paintings of an intellectual mermaid, which is a Hell of lot better than what you did for the reputation of your alter ego,  Eunice.

CINDY EUNICE
(to Upchuck)
Charles, we’re going to have to fire whoever invited her.

UPCHUCK
I’ll look into it.

CINDY EUNICE
We’re also going to have to go to plan B.

UPCHUCK
Retool for promoting the lovely Lola as being better than the rest of the music industry not only by virtue of her talent, but also by virtue of her intelligence?  Maybe make her out as a parentally-approved role model for young women everywhere?

CINDY EUNICE
Before that.  I need to lose myself for a while in a daze of pleasure in order to get the strength to tackle that.

Enter Jake and Helen.

HELEN
(embracing Daria)
Daria, we’re so sorry for that little misunderstanding we had.  We should never have jumped to conclusions about who you had become.  Can you ever forgive us?

JAKE
We’re glad to see you getting back to your old self, kiddo, and we’ll do anything we can to support you.  We want to do anything we can to make it up to you.  What do you say we start with a new pair of combat boots on us?

Daria mumbles something emotional.  Many present make sympathetic sounds.

CINDY EUNICE
(as Helen releases Daria and Daria is embraced by Jake)
I’m going to need a stiff drink, too.  I thought the Morgendorffers for sure would be on my side.

UPCHUCK
(helping Cindy Eunice away towards her office/bedroom)
Don’t worry, my sweet.  I’ll do everything I can to make you feel better.  Now let’s get you to bed...

Andrea (very pregnant) enters and approaches, wraps an arm around Upchuck’s waist, and kisses him.

ANDREA
Surprise!

UPCHUCK
(letting go of Cindy Eunice; overjoyed)
Andrea!  I thought you wouldn’t be able to get here until tomorrow.

ANDREA
And miss the concert of the century?  Hah!

Upchuck kisses Andrea.

UPCHUCK
Well, in any case—

CINDY EUNICE
Charles, I believe an explanation is in order.

UPCHUCK
(innocently)
All there is to it is that love ran its course starting last summer at Jodie’s party, and not so far into my freshman year of college Andrea and I were sitting in this wonderful bar, discussing politics, and one thing led to another—

ANDREA
(patting her abdomen)
And I became the mother of Charles Murray Ruttheimer IV.

CINDY EUNICE
Wait a minute.  You cheated on me, Cindy the Pleasure Princess of Lawndale, into whose bedroom men would give their lives just to set foot once?

UPCHUCK
It’s not cheating, my precious.  We never agreed to be exclusive.

ANDREA
Not to mention that I don’t have any problem with polyamory.  In fact, I encouraged it.

CINDY EUNICE
What!?

UPCHUCK
Fan of the ladies I am, it still wasn’t long before I realized how you were manipulating me, albeit in an extremely feisty and clever way.

Upchuck growls.

ANDREA
And he would have dumped you, if I hadn’t noted that this was a golden opportunity for him to make his dream come true of getting into the music business.  And so I told him to screw you—both literally and figuratively.  Considering how much his business skills have improved in the past few years, even allowing him to keep a dot-com up and running when most went bankrupt, you’d have to be an idiot to fire him even after the jig was up.

Cindy Eunice, shocked and unable to speak, takes a step or two backwards and faints.  Upchuck and Andrea emit an evil laugh and settle into a passionate kiss as many of those present applaud.

INT. HARPIES RECORDS, DARIA AND TRENT’S OFFICE.

MURRAY
Ugh!  How can you tell me about my own origin!  Ew!

ELAINE
(cuddling up close to Murray comfortingly)
There, there.
(beat)
They’ve been cruel enough to tell me I was an “accident”, too.
(to Daria and Trent)
Have you finished torturing this poor boy and me?  We all know what happened next.  Eunice paid up, you became an overnight success, Murray was born, Murray’s parents got married, and everyone lived happily ever after.

MURRAY
I’d be a lot happier without my half-sister Candy and what brought her into existence.

ELAINE
OK, Murray.  So you have Eunice sleeping over at your parents’ house regularly, which makes for some interesting social situations.  God, I can’t believe after all these years she still hasn’t found a guy of her own.  But still, all the adults around here seem happy enough.

TRENT
You really don’t get it; do you, Elaine?

DARIA
I didn’t live quite so happily ever after.

ELAINE
But you and Dad seem to be so happy together...

Daria and Trent take the opportunity to get off the bed and stand up, bringing them into the light.  Both have kept in good shape over the years, especially Daria, who has clearly kept out of the Sun. Trent is little changed.  Daria’s hair is still blond, and she is wearing a variation on her canonical outfit, with brighter colors and silkier fabrics; the jacket hangs open in front, revealing a form-hugging shirt which does cover her midriff.

DARIA
We are happy with each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m totally happy.

Daria and Trent sit down on the sofa beside Murray and Elaine, Daria in Trent’s lap.

DARIA
(sighing)
Eunice was more right than I wanted to admit.  I did end up largely as Lola.

MURRAY
But nobody thinks you’re a dumb bimbo—

DARIA
(as Trent puts his hand under the edge of her shirt and starts feeling up her midriff)
No kidding, especially since I went to college and graduated summa cum laude.  With Trent getting turned on every time I do anything intelligent—including in public—I have plenty of motivation not to ruin my image as a genius. I’m also happy to have ditched my “Lola” outfits.

ELAINE
Uh, Mom, I have seen you wear them from time to time inside the house.

DARIA
In private only.  Your father’s the only one who gets to see me in pigtails and showing off my cleavage.  Don’t even think of mentioning it ever again, either of you.

ELAINE
Sorry.  So, Mom, if you’ve gotten back to being a misery chick so well, what’s the problem?

DARIA
I haven’t gotten back to being a misery chick so well.  For one thing, I’m still compulsively cheery in front of fans.

ELAINE
And you’re supposed behave how in front of your fans?  “Hi.  My name is Lola. Go to Hell.”  Probably wouldn’t sell.

DARIA
They expect me to conform to certain standards, among them that I have to always submit to all your father’s real or imagined desires, which includes showing off my form to him, sitting in his lap, and letting him grope me.

ELAINE
What’s wrong with those things?  There’s nowhere I’d rather be than with Murray, and I do enjoy making him happy.

Elaine kisses Murray.

MURRAY
(feeling up Elaine’s midriff)
And as unnerved as it makes me, I do like having her around.

DARIA
It’s one thing if I choose to make Trent happy; it’s another if I’m forced.

ELAINE
It’s not like anyone’s putting a gun to your head.

TRENT
No, but it took nothing less than me saying publicly that I didn’t want your mother to risk getting skin cancer to get people to stop complaining if she didn’t show off her cleavage and midriff.  Unfortunately we haven’t found an excuse the public will accept that’ll keep them from going into panic mode every time she’s tried to tone down our public displays of affection, including her sitting in my lap.  “What’s the matter, Lola?  Are you mad at Trent?  Are you tired of him?  Has he been sleeping with Monique again?”

DARIA
Your father’s trainable enough to get him to stop groping me all the time, but we’re just not strong enough to take constant hounding.  Sure, we’ve hired bodyguards to keep people we don’t want away, but even the bodyguards and our coworkers think something’s wrong if we’re not so physically close constantly.  We can sometimes get those people to let us off the hook, but that doesn’t stop criticism in the press.  One incident where I’m sighted not in Trent’s lap, and the media goes wild with speculation of the end of our marriage.  Like it or not, we’re paragons of marital bliss.  If we do anything that can be interpreted as showing that we’re still in love—including me being your father’s dedicated constant groping partner and having four of his children with a fifth on the way—the public is happy.  Otherwise we get more flack than even I can stand.  We’d hoped this Hell would end after our original contract was up, but we never managed to get out of the music industry and move somewhere isolated where no one would force us to be unnaturally close; the last time we tried to retire, people scoured the country to find us, and when they did, thousands of people converged on our cabin in Montana and wouldn’t leave us alone until we agreed to go back on tour and make more albums.  And what makes all this worse is that people imitate us.

ELAINE
The Lola-and-Trent isn’t the only thing about you two they imitate.  Because of you a lot of young women, especially blondes and cheerleaders, felt empowered not to hide their intelligence, to do well in school, to go on to college—sometimes even after an unplanned pregnancy.  Not to mention that since Dad managed to hook up with you, a lot of young men realized they didn’t have to be so intimidated by intelligent women, so many people weren’t afraid to pursue potential mates they would have otherwise ignored and had happier lives.

DARIA
Yeah, but a lot of young women ignored why your father and I were so physically close and why I dressed in such revealing clothes at the start of my career and imitated me without regard for the possible consequences.  You wouldn’t believe how many young women decided they were their boyfriends’ love-slaves, only to find out said boyfriends weren’t worth their selfless devotion, sometimes not until after severely compromising their dignity or getting pregnant.  Not to mention there were guys who decided because of me that women were supposed to give in to their men’s desires.

TRENT
Come on, Daria.  You really shouldn’t blame yourself for that.

ELAINE
After all, a lot of girls even before you got into the music business were showing off their bodies and being sexually irresponsible.

DARIA
Yeah, but with the love-slave thing added in...  I still feel guilty for contributing to America’s continuing corruption problem.  I know I’ve done a lot to fight it, but still...

Monique appears in the open doorway, bringing with her the teenage Aguilera look-alike (from very early in the story) by twisting her arm.

AGUILERA LOOK-ALIKE
Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Stop hurting me!  I didn’t do anything wrong!

MONIQUE
Like Hell you didn’t.  You helped out in the cover-up, Candy.

CANDY (AKA AGUILERA LOOK-ALIKE)
What?  Just because I altered a few files—

MONIQUE
And outright lied to my face.

TRENT
(ambiguous)
Hey, Monique.

DARIA
What do you have to tell us?

MONIQUE
(releasing Candy)
The bad news is that Ubiquitous has shipped.

ELAINE
(getting perky)
Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

The adults stare at Elaine.

ELAINE
(deadpan)
Sorry.

MONIQUE
But the good news is on the cover.

Monique tosses an encased CD to Daria.  On the cover of the CD is Elaine, dressed in a gray “misery chick” outfit, merely holding hands with Murray.

TRENT
Whoa.

DARIA
Cool.

ELAINE
Eep!

MURRAY
Well, there goes the image you wanted to project.

ELAINE
This is a disaster!  How could you do this to me?

CANDY
Well, you know, it’s, like, your mom got a lot of people into appreciating quality musicians, but a lot of people really can’t tell the difference between talent and no talent, so they have to use surrogates, and one of the surrogates is how people look, so—

ELAINE
But I’m being a misery chick in this picture!

CANDY
Well, that is the sort of thing which sells among a lot of our target demographic.  It even helped that relative hack Christina Aguilera make a small comeback.

MURRAY
It’s not so bad, Elaine.  You do look good in that outfit.

ELAINE
But I’m not even in your lap!

CANDY
Elaine, everybody does the Lola-and-Trent these days.  Even Mrs. Johanssen in the cafeteria does it.  You’ve got to do something different.

ELAINE
(as Murray holds her comfortingly and puts a hand up the back of her shirt)
Oh, God!  My beautiful dream, turned into a nightmare!

Elaine starts crying on Murray’s shoulder.

MURRAY
It’ll be alright, Elaine.  It’ll be alright.

Daria, Trent, and Monique share a look of satisfaction.

***********

    I’d like to thank Galen Hardesty, who beta-read this fanfic and gave me some very useful criticism, and my brother Barry, whom I tortured talking about this fanfic.  Nemo Blank deserves honorable mention for making a bunch of interesting suggestions, some of which I might have taken into account if I had not decided on a deadline for this fanfic to be finished by.