FOOTAGE OF (DARIA) LOLA AND THE MYSTIK SPIRAL ON-STAGE.
They are about 15 years older than they were at the end of the
canonical series, though they have all kept in good shape. Mystik
Spiral is dressed a bit neater than they did when Daria was in high
school. Daria is dressed in a tight-fitting, fashionable parody of
the outfit she wore on the show; her hair is blond, she is not wearing
glasses, and her “jacket” (more like a light green overshirt) hangs open
in front, revealing a form-hugging, bright orange T-shirt. They
are performing music, Daria on keyboard. Daria and Trent cannot
stop looking at each other.
SICK, SAD WORLD ANNOUNCER
(out of view)
Lola and Trent were the greatest performers in the World, their albums
selling in record numbers, and their concerts always sold out.
The song ends, and Daria and Trent cannot stop themselves from putting
their instruments aside and passionately sucking face, Trent’s hands
inside Daria’s clothes.
SICK, SAD WORLD ANNOUNCER
(out of view)
They had it all, and yet two years ago, they abandoned their life of
fame and fortune and disappeared from public life. What were they
thinking, and what has happened to them? The horrifying truth, on
the next Sick, Sad World!
EXT. A HIGH BRICK WALL—DAY.
This wall was designed to be intimidating. It is at least four
meters tall, made out of rough black stones, and overhangs the
street. On the top are searchlights and an apparatus that looks
like it could be used to pour boiling oil down on anyone below.
Painted in meter-high, fluorescent letters are the words “ABANDON HOPE,
ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE”. Artie Wilcox (18 years older than he was
at the end of the original cartoon series and dressed in a tacky suit),
is standing in front of the wall and speaking into a microphone.
ARTIE
Hello, I’m Artie Wilcox. I’m standing right outside the wall
surrounding Lane Manor, the home of Lola and Trent Lane. Lola Lane
had the perfect life, with anything anyone could ever want. When
Lola and the Mystik Spiral debuted nationally in the summer of 2002 with
their first album, You Asked for It,
it was obvious she was something special. She was gorgeous and not
afraid to show off her exceptional beauty, and she had a real musical
talent that stunned a generation raised on songs by the likes of stupid,
unskilled performers whose names few can remember anymore, such as
Britney Spears and the Back Street Boys. Also unlike those now
defunct punks, she was filled with love for people, especially her
husband Trent, whom she showed constant affection, which he was only too
happy to return. No one could resist her, and she was beloved by
everyone in America and viewed as a role model for young ladies
everywhere. And then, two years ago, on this very spot, their
daughter Elaine made an announcement that stunned the World.
FOOTAGE OF ELAINE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE BRICK WALL.
Elaine is 16 in the footage, and she looks very similar to her mother,
including having naturally blond hair and impaired vision. She is
dressed in a gray “misery chick” outfit, albeit not with the extreme
bagginess that characterized the one her mother wore as a teenager, and
she wears thin-rimmed glasses. Her face is expressionless.
In front of her is a stand of microphones.
ELAINE
(deadpan)
Thank you for coming. My parents, Daria Lola Morgendorffer and
Trent Lane, have requested that I report to you a decision that has been
long in the making, one that they have agonized over, but have finally
decided that it is one they had no choice but to make. For about
seventeen years, they have been serving the public as musicians, bring
joy and gladness to much of the human population of the planet.
But now, they have decided to retire—
REPORTER #1
(out of view)
What!?
ELAINE
I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but my mother feels she cannot take
the stress involved in performing any longer. In order to avoid
being pressured by her fans into returning to the stage, she plans on
remaining within the Lane Manor compound indefinitely, leaving only when
absolutely necessary.
REPORTER #2
(out of view)
Oh, man!
ELAINE
She plans to write and may record new albums, but you may well never
see her again. Interviews are out of the question. If you
feel that this is unfair somehow, you are free to protest. In
fact, you may do anything out here you wish as long as it’s legal and
you don’t try to get inside to see my mother. That is all.
REPORTER #3
(out of view)
That’s it? Won’t you even tell us what’s wrong with Lola?
ELAINE
As I said, she’s tired of being in the spotlight all the time.
Even on her vacations she has not been out of the public eye, leading
her to try to conceal herself in remote areas. Unfortunately, some
of her more zealous fans fail to realize that she needs more down-time
from being a music star than just eight hours at night in bed with my
father, and when she has tried not being Lola of Lola and the Mystik
Spiral for a while, they track her down in large numbers and make
heart-rending pleas for her to return to her post making records,
performing, in concert, and engaging in public displays of affection
with my father until she gives in. Out of my entire lifetime of a
little over 16 years, she has had only about three months where she has
not been in the public eye. Enough is enough. She’s not
running anymore. She’s staying at home, and she’s not letting in
anyone who might have a reasonable chance of compromising her
much-needed time off.
REPORTER #3
But—
ELAINE
That is all. Oh, and if you want another sound bite, run out and
buy a copy of my album, Ubiquitous,
now available in music stores all over the country.
EXT. ARTIE IN FRONT OF THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
Since then, speculation has run rampant as to why Lola went into
self-imposed siege and what she has been doing. But rather than
engage in the idle speculation of the tabloids and assume that Lola is
possessed by demons or has joined the Pandoxic Church, we decided to ask
the people closest to her.
INT. THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
Helen and Jake (both visibly gray) are sitting on the sofa, Artie in a
nearby chair.
SUPER: HELEN AND JAKE MORGENDORFFER, LOLA’S PARENTS.
ARTIE
Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, why did Lola leave public life?
HELEN
Why, she’s just trying to get back in touch with herself.
JAKE
Think of everything she’s done. She’s made a dozen great albums,
she’s gone to college, she’s written a dozen great books—
HELEN
We’re very proud of her. It’s no wonder she’s a little tired and
wants a break. Raising five kids itself is hard enough, especially
when she’s been home-schooling them.
JAKE
I love the little guys! They’re all a lot smarter than I am and
so well-behaved. I think I’ll go make them a pie—
HELEN
(please, God, no)
Jake…
ARTIE
But what is Lola doing now?
HELEN
I’m sorry, but she prefers to keep that matter private.
JAKE
Damn you bastards! Can’t you let anyone keep anything to
themselves? You’re just like my father! That bastard rifled
through my stuff every single day of my life until he sent me off to
military school, where they didn’t let me have anything to myself!
I hope you slime-balls all rot in Hell!
Helen rolls her eyes.
INT. A LIVING ROOM.
Reclining on a couch is Katie Lane, who resembles Daria in her
canonical incarnation. Her hair is blond, she is somewhere around
40 years old, her skirt has a fish-scale pattern on it, and she is most
interested in reading a book that lays open in front of her. Her
husband, Wind, sits nearby, sketching a picture of her.
SUPER: KATIE AND WIND LANE, SISTER-IN-LAW AND BROTHER OF TRENT
KATIE
(not looking up; deadpan)
If this is yet another stupid ploy to—
ARTIE
(out of view)
No, this has nothing to do with those commercials you made.
KATIE
Good. Because if it did, I would have to eviscerate you.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Tell me, what happened to Lola?
KATIE
She’s at home, no doubt watching your stupid, yet amusing, show as we
speak.
ARTIE
(out of view)
I mean, why did she leave the music industry?
KATIE
Well, I could tell you that, but it would cost you.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Excuse me?
WIND
If you want, I’ll fetch the rates sheet for divulging secrets.
For a secret this big, I’d say it would only cost you about a million
dollars.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Um…
WIND
We take cash, checks, credit cards, and money orders. We’ve also
got an easy installment plan if you can’t pay all at once.
INT. ANOTHER LIVING ROOM.
Jodie and Mack, both dressed in suits, are sitting on a sofa.
Artie sits on a nearby chair.
SUPER: JODIE A. LANDON, PRESIDENT OF THE LOVERS OF LOLA
ASSOCIATION (LOLA), AND HER
HUSBAND MICHAEL J. MACKENZIE
ARTIE
Tell me: how well do you know Lola?
JODIE
We’re good friends. We went to high school with her.
MACK
Say, weren’t you the guy who decided that Lola and Jane were space
aliens?
ARTIE
That’s not important. Do you two keep in touch with Lola
regularly?
JODIE
Of course. The Lovers of Lola Association is the only official
Lola and the Mystik Spiral fan club, and Lola herself writes one of the
columns for our newsletter.
ARTIE
Did she ever tell you why she left the music industry?
MACK
I think her daughter Elaine has explained that repeatedly. Lola
was getting stressed out by the job.
ARTIE
Uh-huh. But what’s she doing now?
JODIE
Pretty much the same things she did at home before she retired.
ARTIE
So the rumors about her, Trent, and Monique are true?
JODIE
(offended)
No, and this interview is over.
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
Feeling that I was on the right track, I visited the site of Lola’s
music career: Harpies Records.
INT. HARPIES RECORDS, MONIQUE’S OFFICE.
It is a very traditional, conservative office, the only exceptions
being two posters on the wall: one of Lola and the Mystik Spiral,
the other an ancient one of the Harpies. Monique (dressed in the
same style that Daria used as a teenager) and Artie (holding a
microphone) are sitting on a sofa.
SUPER: MONIQUE MARTIN, CEO OF HARPIES RECORDS AND TRENT’S MISTRESS
ARTIE
Ms. Martin, I understand you are very close with Lola and Trent.
MONIQUE
I am. I was Trent’s fiancée before he and Lola had to go
on the run from the Mob, and since they’ve come back and I’ve overcome
the initial feeling of betrayal, we’ve remained friends. He even
kept his promise to me to be the father of my children, albeit by…
unnatural means, and he has been a good father to them. To my own
surprise, I’ve discovered that Lola is someone I have much more in
common with than just a love of Trent, and I consider it a privilege to
share her company on a regular basis.
ARTIE
So you do know why Lola left the music industry and is hiding out at
home?
MONIQUE
Of course. And you probably wouldn’t believe it if I told you.
ARTIE
So does this mean the rumors about you, Lola, and Trent are true?
Monique punches Artie in the face, knocking him to the floor.
ARTIE
Ow!
MONIQUE
You idiot. Anyone with even half a brain knows Trent and Lola
only have eyes for each other. I’m not going to sit here and let
you make sick accusations about me and Lola, of all people.
ARTIE
But—
MONIQUE
(pulling a cell phone from her pocket and speaking into it)
Zane, we have a code 23 in my office.
ARTIE
What’s a code 23?
MONIQUE
(closing the cell phone)
You’ll wish you never found out right about—
The sound of a door being kicked open can be heard, and an adorable
eight-year-old who resembles Trent walks into view.
MONIQUE
—now.
BOY
(cutely)
Hi, Mommy!
MONIQUE
Hi, Zane. Could you get rid of this tabloid journalist, please?
ZANE (AKA THE BOY)
Sure!
ARTIE
What could a—
Zane twists Artie’s arm, causing him to scream.
ARTIE
I surrender! I surrender!
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
After being rudely ejected from the building and yelled at by a lunatic
with a loud voice and a bulging eye, I managed to persuade someone who
was about to enter to give us an interview.
INT. HARPIES RECORDS, LOUNGE.
The room is garishly decorated with posters of Lola and the Mystik
Spiral and other bands. Nick and Max are sitting on a sofa.
SUPER: MAX TYLER AND NICK CAMPBELL (MEMBERS OF MYSTIK SPIRAL)
NICK
We can’t tell you anything about what Lola’s doing now.
MAX
Trust us: she’d tear us up even worse than does lousy
musicians. She really is sweet, but not if you get on her bad
side. Then she turns into a little monster!
INT. HARPIES RECORDS, JANE’S OFFICE.
The place is decorated in the same style as her old room at the Lane
house, only she has had more of an opportunity to turn it into a
disaster area. Much of the representational artwork focuses on
Lola and the Mystik Spiral, especially Daria and Jesse. The
abstract artwork is mostly made from recycled junk. Sitting on a
bed are Jane (in all black) and Jesse (wearing a shirt for once).
SUPER: JANE ANNE LANE (TRENT’S SISTER, GRAPHIC ARTIST) AND HER
ON-AGAIN-OFF-AGAIN BOYFRIEND JESSE EUSTACE MORENO (MEMBER OF MYSTIK
SPIRAL)
JANE
So, what do you want this time, Artie? I already told you the
real reason they built the Giant Strawberry.
JESSE
Yeah.
ARTIE
(out of view)
I’m trying to find out why Lola Lane got out of the music business.
JESSE
She’s not out. We’ve been working on a new album.
ARTIE
(out of view)
But she hasn’t been out of the house in two years. I have good
reason to suspect that it has something to do with a clandestine
relationship with Monique.
JANE
Get real, Artie. Being queen of the skin-stealing space aliens,
Lola has a lot of responsibility resting on her shoulders, so she’s been
spending a lot of time on the planet Zippotron lately. The other
day—
ELAINE
(out of view, extra deadpan)
Oh, please, Aunt Janey. Why do you bother telling him incredible
lies? No one can hide the truth from the investigative genius of
Arthur Nephi Wilcox forever.
PAN TO THE DOORWAY.
Standing there are Elaine, now 18, and the love of her life, Murray, a
red-haired character who resembles Tom Sloane. Elaine and Murray
each have an arm around the other’s waist, Murray’s hand under the edge
of Elaine’s sweat-shirt and feeling up her midriff.
SUPER ELAINE DEBORAH LANE (DAUGHTER OF LOLA AND TRENT, MUSICIAN) AND
HER HUSBAND CHARLES MURRAY RUTTHEIMER IV (MANAGER)
JESSE
(out of view, clueless as usual)
What?
JANE
(out of view)
It’s all very simple, honey.
(whispers)
ELAINE
It all began with the Highland Mafia’s attempt on my mother’s life—
MURRAY
(overly dramatic)
No, Elaine! We must keep this secret, lest we all die deaths that
will make everyone who hears about them puke!
ELAINE
It’s no use, Murray. Is Artie not the man who uncovered why hot
dogs come in packs of six and the buns in packs of eight? Is he
not the man who found out that Dick Cheney had been replaced by a robot
while he was running for vice present after he had his last, fatal heart
attack? Did he not prove that The X-Files was nothing more than
one cog in a conspiracy to make the entire United States of America into
a herd of unthinking deer who will believe anything, no matter how
preposterous? Obviously such a man will find out my mother’s deep
secret sooner or later, and the only thing now is to tell him the truth
in the hope that, in his profound wisdom, he will understand why it has
to be keep secret.
(towards the camera)
To be blunt: the Highland Mafia is not dead.
ARTIE
(out of view)
But Monique killed Todd Boole, and the rest died in a shoot-out with
the police.
MURRAY
We used to think that, too. But Lola uncovered some shocking news.
ELAINE
She discovered that a few members of the Highland Mafia were still very
much alive, and they were laundering money through the soda machines at
a public school.
ARTIE
(out of view)
Which school?
MURRAY
We can’t tell you that. It would be too dangerous to reveal that
or the name of the fascist authoritarian dictator principal who was
cooperating with the Mob so she could finance an Orwellian security
plan, hoping this would somehow bring honor and glory to her high school.
ELAINE
Needless to say, the Highland Mafia were not pleased, and they have
sworn to kill my mother if she sets foot outside the gates of Lane Manor
ever again.
Elaine mock-collapses on Murray, mock-crying. Murray puts both of
his arms around her.
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
It was, of course, obvious who they were talking about.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, MS. LI’S OFFICE.
Ms. Li is sitting behind her desk.
SUPER: ANGELA LI, PRINCIPAL OF LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
MS. LI
What the Hell?! Get out of my office right now, all of you!
If I hear one syllable about this ever again, I’m going to set my guard
dogs on you, and then I’ll set my lawyer on you!
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
The Highland Mafia is unquestionably very clever. They covered
their tracks so thoroughly that we could not find one shred of evidence
that they had been laundering money through the drink machines at
Lawndale High. Faced with few options on who else to contact for
information, I decided to contact the only person who might be able to
give me the answers I was looking for: Lola Lane herself.
And to do that, I would have to get inside Lane Manor.
FOOTAGE OF A GATE IN THE WALL.
The gate is sealed by solid doors. Artie walks up to the gate and
is about to press a button on an intercom when he hears a voice.
ELECTRONICALLY DISTORTED VOICE
(unrecognizable who it is and with Darth Vader-like breathing)
Hello, Artie.
ARTIE
Hi. Could I please interview Lola for Sick, Sad World?
VOICE
Well, that depends. Are you a member of Lola or Trent’s families?
ARTIE
No.
VOICE
Are you a friend of Lola or Trent’s?
ARTIE
No.
VOICE
(evil laugh ending in a cough)
Do you have an RX578/7J?
ARTIE
What’s an RX578/7J?
VOICE
It’s a form, Artie. You can only get it by making an appointment.
ARTIE
Can I make an appointment to get an RX578/7J?
VOICE
No. You need an RX578/7J to make an appointment.
ARTIE
So I need an RX578/7J to make an appointment, and I need an appointment
to get an RX578/7J?
VOICE
Correct.
Beat.
ARTIE
You’re not going to let me in; are you?
VOICE
(with appropriate imitation)
In the words of Lola’s sister Quinn, “Duh!”
EXT. ARTIE IN FRONT OF THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
It became quickly apparent that a more extreme approach would be
necessary. Therefore, that night, I committed what was technically
an act of breaking and entering.
FOOTAGE OF THE BRICK WALL—NIGHT.
Artie (dressed in black), with the aid of an associate and a ladder,
goes over the wall.
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
After some fancy talking—
ELECTRONICALLY DISGUISED VOICE
Artie Wilcox, we have an agreement! You will stick to it, or you
and Sick, Sad World will be
sued! We have the footage of you making the agreement! This
is not a bluff! Now tell the truth!
ARTIE
(sighs)
Alright, alright. This is where we show the footage I took with
my medallion-cam…
EXT. BETWEEN TWO BRICK WALLS.
The camera is grabbed from behind by a hand and moved up so we can see
Artie’s face.
ARTIE
This is Artie Wilcox, and I’ve just gone over the wall surrounding Lane
Manor, only to discover yet another wall. There are about six feet
of space between the walls, and it’s too dark to see much. I am
going to head towards the driveway in the hope of finding my way—
Cats can be heard meowing.
Artie moves the medallion-cam so we can see two cats rubbing themselves
against his legs.
ARTIE
I appear to have made two friends.
The cats hiss and swipe at Artie with their claws.
ARTIE
Ow!
Artie drops the medallion-cam and runs, the cats clearly in pursuit
because they keep on hissing. He follows the passageway left and
then runs into some bushes, at which point we hear no more of the cats.
ARTIE
(softly)
I appear to have lost the killer cats, obviously tampered with by
members of an evil government conspiracy.
CHILD’S VOICE #1
Out of the bush, Artie. We know you’re in there!
CHILD’S VOICE #2
Yeah!
CHILD’S VOICE #1
We have this entire compound and the street in front under constant
surveillance. We know you’re trespassing.
CHILD’S VOICE #2
And if you don’t come out, we’re going to beat you up!
CHILD’S VOICE #1
Wayne! We are not going to beat up Artie. He’s too much of
a wuss to put up enough of a fight to justify actual violence.
WAYNE (AKA CHILD’S VOICE #2)
(out of view)
Aw, come on, Junior! I’ve been working hard at karate!
Can’t I just kick him in the stomach?
JUNIOR (AKA CHILD’S VOICE #1)
(out of view)
Fine—if he doesn’t surrender. Mom and Dad won’t complain too much
about that.
(beat)
You hear that, Artie? Either you come out, or—
CHILD’S VOICE #3
I want to beat up Artie, too!
JUNIOR
(out of view)
Drury, you’re only five years old, hardly a match for even an
incompetent adult. Not to mention you’re lugging around Memory,
who only had her first birthday two months ago. Get her back
inside now!
DRURY
(out of view, walking away)
Lousy big brother, never letting me have any fun…
JUNIOR
(out of view)
So, what’s it going to be, Artie? Are you going to come out
peacefully, or do I let Wayne “the Terrible Ten-Year-Old” Lane hurt you?
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
I went peacefully, not wanting to hurt any innocent children.
ELECTRONICALLY DISGUISED VOICE
Hah!
ARTIE
OK, OK. After the treatment I got from Zane Lane, I was frankly
terrified what two Lane
children might do to me. So I surrendered. After some
interrogation by Monique and her children, Marina and Zane, and much
pleading by Trent and Daria’s children, who really love the show—despite
what they think about me personally—I was finally allowed to interview
Lola and Trent.
INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
Artie, looking very uneasy, is sitting on one end of a sofa.
Trent is sitting on the other end with Daria in his lap. Daria has
dyed her hair back to its traditional red (or brown or whatever) color,
and she has returned to her original style of clothing. There are
some holdovers from her days as a performer—she is no longer pretending
to be flat-chested, and she is wearing lip gloss—but these are residual
compared with the overall look. Daria is writing on a note-pad,
and Trent, looking periodically at what she is writing, is very happy
and unable to keep his hands off of her.
ARTIE
Ladies and gentlemen, I am finally sitting here with the Lola Lane and
her husband Trent.
TRENT
Hey.
DARIA
(canonical monotone)
Please, call me by my first name, “Daria”.
ARTIE
OK… Daria.
(to the camera)
Apparently the war for Trent’s affections has taken a surprise turn,
with… Daria imitating Monique—
DARIA
(to Artie)
You don’t remember; do you?
ARTIE
Remember what?
DARIA
You don’t remember anything of what I was really like in high school;
do you?
ARTIE
Of course I do. You were a perky cheerleader. Everyone who
knew you back then says that. Even I remember you like that.
TRENT
(laughs/coughs)
I can’t believe so many people say the same thing.
DARIA
Artie, the Lola look was a disguise. When Trent and I started
performing together, we were running from the Mob, and the whole Lola
look and persona were my disguise at the time. After all, it
wouldn’t have made any sense at the time for us to, so to speak, wear
“kill me” signs.
TRENT
Cool metaphor.
Trent kisses Daria.
DARIA
My alter ego proved very popular wherever we went, and I managed to
train myself well to play the part automatically in public. When
we were finally able to come back to Lawndale and Trent and I had to
continue performing in order to support ourselves and our daughter
Elaine, I wasn’t given any choice but to continue my Lola appearance—and
despite my best efforts, a lot of the persona went along with it.
In the first concert, I was guilt-tripped into performing using the
look. In the second, measures were taken to make sure I didn’t
revert to a more conservative appearance. By that time, the public
was convinced that I was supposed to show off every curve of my body and
be perky and bubbly—and almost everyone gave me a lot of attention for
being like that. Even my family and friends unconsciously
reinforced me for being Lolaesque. It was too much for even me to
fight. I could temper things somewhat—people didn’t mind me being
smart and creative—but they took offense if I compromised being perky or
dressing in revealing clothing. After a few failed attempts to get
out of the music business and being hunted down by my fans, I finally
decided I had to stop being Lolaesque at all costs—and to do that I had
to stay away from any situation where people might coerce me into being
Lolaesque. Therefore, two years ago, I decided to never set foot
outside of the gates of Casa Lane again if need be. I can control
who I see, and I can make those I do see not push me into being
Lolaesque. I finally feel completely like myself again, and I’ve
been very happy ever since.
TRENT
(kisses Daria)
We’ve both been very happy. Daria thought when she went back to
the look she used in high school—
ARTIE
But she spent her entire music career dressing like she did in high
school!
Daria and Trent give Artie a look of “yeah, right”.
ARTIE
OK, so the coloring was different.
DARIA
It was more than that, a lot more than that.
ARTIE
Next you’ll be telling me you weren’t a cheerleader!
TRENT
(to Daria)
Man, no matter how many times I see it, I’m still surprised that anyone
takes those faked photos seriously.
DARIA
Me, too. It’s amazing how easily people misremember the past.
TRENT
(to Artie)
Anyway, when Daria went back to her old look, she told me we could
knock off all the closeness that had been imposed upon us by our
fans. It had been part of Daria’s disguise, and our fans always
thought something was wrong with our marriage if we slacked off.
It wasn’t like anyone was going to be seeing it now except our kids, and
we already had to deal with Elaine and her then-boyfriend Murray
imitating us. But what happened is that I found Daria looked
better than ever—
ARTIE
Better than ever? She’s not showing anything off!
TRENT
Hey, there’s a big difference between looking good and
exhibitionism. Daria’s got a great body, no question. But
putting it on display for everyone to see is just a cheap trick to get
people’s attention, and it’s not something that can keep their attention
forever. Daria’s always been a misery chick deep down, and outfits
like this really work well with that: the focus isn’t the clothes
or even the great curves of Daria’s body. The clothes are purely
functional, so I focus on Daria the Person. Not to mention that
like this Daria doesn’t spend her time wondering so much if she looks OK
or things like that, so she also gets to spend more time on the really
important things. It’s no wonder that when she switched back to
this look, her writing quickly got a lot better than it had been.
To be frank, Daria’s mind is what I find really irresistible, and with
her mind’s increased output is it any wonder I couldn’t stop showing her
as much affection I was before?
Trent kisses Daria, making her smile.
ARTIE
So this is it?
(to Daria)
You’ve become a misery chick,
(to Trent)
and you actually like her this way?
DARIA AND TRENT
Uh-huh.
ARTIE
(getting progressively more panicked)
This is shocking. People do consider misery chicks a lot hotter
now than they used to be when I was a teenager, but still… you’re
Lola. You’re supposed to be this perky ex-cheerleader, an American
icon, a symbol of boundless sweetness and feminine beauty and
love! This is a travesty! This is a catastrophe! This…
is…
Artie faints.
DARIA
Perfect?
TRENT
I like the way you think.
Daria and Trent settle into a passionate kiss.
EXT. ARTIE AT THE BRICK WALL.
ARTIE
There you have it, folks. Obviously Trent figured that since
people think misery chicks are “in” now, he had to have one of his own,
and he must now have something against his on-again, off-again mistress
Monique. And so he brainwashed poor Lola into being a misery
chick, even making her think she had always been one. Trent Lane
has robbed us of the national treasure Lola used to be, and this is a
travesty that should not be tolerated. I call upon every true fan
of Lola out there to come here, to Lane Manor, and protest this
monstrous injustice. Such a travesty must not be left
unpunished. This is Artie Wilcox, reporting to you for Sick, Sad World.
