daria 2
the curse of the misery chick

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Daria (the movie):Script, part 1

Behind the Looking Glasses:Script

Daria 2: The Curse of the Misery Chick:Script, part 1 Credits Script, part 2 Pictures Reviews Commercial

NOTE: Because we recieved this script from a different source that the previous one and it was written by a different person who did not include the credits therein, the credits have been put into a different file.

1 INT. ROOM.

The room is dark, sparsely decorated with a sofa, a few wooden chairs, some curtained windows. The faint lighting in the room comes from the flames in the fireplace, casting a flickering glow spookily over everything. In the center of the floor is sprawled a young woman in black clothes and knee-high boots, her limbs twisted and jutting out at uncomfortable angles from her contorted body. She is motionless, a dark pool of her own blood spreading beneath her. As we slowly zoom in on her, the view slowly rotating, it gradually becomes apparent that the woman is DARIA.

2 SMASH CUT TO: INT. JANE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT.

JANE suddenly sits up in bed. Even in the pale moonlight streaming in through the window, we can see her eyes bug out as she hyperventilates for a few moments. Calming down, she flips on a lamp that sits on her night-stand. She is obviously unclothed beneath the sheets, and she holds them up to cover her breasts as with her free hand she takes a pad and a piece of charcoal from the night-stand and begins to sketch the image from her dream. A hand belonging to another person brushes against her.

BRITTANY

(sleepily)

Jane, could you turn the light off?

JANE

(still sketching intently)

Not now...

BRITTANY

You've had another of those dreams; haven't you?

JANE

We each get inspiration in our own way.

BRITTANY

(sitting up)

But this isn't--

(sees picture)

Eep! That isn't--

JANE

A water buffalo grazing in Central Park? No. Daria lying on the floor with a pool of blood gradually spreading from her dead body? Yes.

BRITTANY

Jane, I know I'm not that smart, though I think I'm smarter than you think I am, which is pretty smart--

JANE

(irritated)

Brittany...

BRITTANY

Jane, how many dreams like this have you had?

JANE

A few.

BRITTANY

More than a few. Every night you're having dreams about people you know getting killed. I was reading this book, and I think maybe you have some subconscious feelings you need to deal with. I mean, I thought you liked Daria.

JANE

What do you care? Next week, when Kevin apologizes, you'll forget about me and deny that this ever happened for the fifth time.

BRITTANY

Jane, this isn't emotionally healthy! You're reacting out against people you know due to their apparent emotional neglect of you and fantasizing about their downfalls. This could really eat away at you until you spiral down into depression. You need some therapy.

JANE

(setting her pad down)

Oh, Brittany, you sweet-talker, you!

JANE embraces BRITTANY, and the two proceed towards considerable physical intimacy. The view closes in on the rough sketch on the pad.

3 FADE TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, ESTABLISHING SHOT.

A bell rings.

4 CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY.

Among the students walking the halls are DARIA and JANE, both carrying their book-bags.

JANE

So how are you doing?

DARIA

Wondering if we overdid it.

JANE

I told you it would feel sore if you two did it too much.

DARIA

I'm talking about what we did to the Fashion Club, Jane, not your brother.

JANE

Stepbrother. Daria, they were a menace. They set out to ruin your life.

DARIA

Yeah, but don't you feel the least bit guilty?

JANE

May I remind you of the dichotomy between us and them? Over there are the popular crowd, those concerned so much about social status that they don't care that they make themselves or others miserable. So very like a nest of giant ants, they follow the trails their comrades and exploiters leave behind, subject to the whims of popular opinion and fashion like a flag in the wind. Music of choice: the blathering hum of their own voices speaking of trivial matters. Drug of choice: adrenaline and endorphins, brought out by engagement in dangerous and stupid acts. We fall in the other category, the outcasts, the thinkers, those who buck the trends in their iconoclastic ways because some things are just to idiotic to follow. We invent our own standards. Music of choice: the beat of our own drum. Drug of choice: books, writing, artistic expression.

DARIA

It's not that clean-cut.

JANE

True. Take the marching band, for example. In the parade last year, they stayed inside that stupid float instead of playing on top like they were supposed to. They thought their uniforms were too stupid-looking.

DARIA

Meet the little musical creatures who hide among the flowers.

(beat)

So what was that with Brittany yesterday?

JANE

She was having her regular breakup with Kevin and looking for that something special he couldn't provide.

DARIA

Intelligence?

JANE

That wasn't the word I'd use, but it certainly helps in the performance.

DARIA

I do not want to know.

JANE

That I did it with her until the sheets were soaked with her sweat?

DARIA

Jane! Where was Jesse in all this?

JANE

We have an open relationship, Daria. His only problem will be that he didn't get to watch.

DARIA

You and your crazy sex life...

JANE

Oh, I also had another of those nightmares.

DARIA

Who was dead this time? DiMartino?

JANE

Actually, you.

DARIA

Great. I'm the woman of your violent dreams.

JANE

It's great. With this one I'll have a great painting. I told you about the exhibit the gallery wants to show of this series; haven't I?

DARIA

"Death of a Generation". They'll be calling you the second coming of Maplethorpe.

JANE

I hope so. Would you be willing to pose for the painting?

DARIA

You better not have dreamed of me nude...

5 INT. A DIMLY LIT ROOM.

JANE in one corner is painting a picture based on her recent dream by the light of a lantern. On the walls can be seen a series of grim paintings, the light bright enough to reveal what is on the paintings but not enough to make the people in them recognizable. Among the paintings can be seen: a woman lying on the floor, bleeding from the head; a man slumped against a wall, bleeding from the head, a framed picture on the floor next to him; a man with a knife sticking through his back; a man being thrown through a glass window; a woman with something long and thin being shoved down her throat; a man lying on the floor with a wire coat-hanger wrapped around his neck; a man on a sofa being strangled from behind; a woman lying in a contorted position on a floor; a man shot between the eyes; a woman being stabbed in the shoulder; a man being beheaded, and many other acts of murder and mayhem.

6 EXT. THE ZEN, ESTABLISHING SHOT--NIGHT.

Pan upwards to the roof, where TOMMY SHERMAN is hiding with a bucket. He is looking downwards, waiting.

TOMMY

Come on, misery chick... Come on and get it...

Several people can be seen walking in and out of the club below. Finally one young woman with dark hair and in black can be seen approaching.

TOMMY

Yes!

TOMMY overturns the bucket, dumping many liters of pig blood onto the woman below.

7 CUT TO: BELOW, where the one who has been drenched in blood is SANDI.

SANDI

Damn it!

(runs off)

TOMMY

Shoot! I'm sleeping alone for a week!

8 CUT TO: INT. THE ZEN.

The floor is covered with dancing people enjoying themselves, surrounded by a shell of tables. On the wall is a huge, bright banner reading "END OF THE FASHION CLUB PARTY". On stage Helpful Corn, consisting of DARIA MARIE MORGENDORFFER (lead singer), TRENT LANE (lead guitar), JESSE MORENO (rhythm guitar), JANE ANNE LANE (bass guitar), and ANDREA FLYNN (drum pads), are performing. The song ends, and people cheer.

DARIA

Thank you! We'll be back in an hour for the second set, so don't go away!

The band disbands as another band begins mounting the stage. Daria snares Trent.

DARIA

You still on for later?

TRENT

(unenthused)

Yeah.

DARIA

You don't sound too happy.

TRENT

Something doesn't feel right. I mean, look at them.

They look over at Andrea and Joey in an advanced state of making out.

TRENT

They look like they have this spark we don't.

guitarist of other band

Well, I hear that's because she'll--

Daria and Trent look at the guitarist funny.

guitarist

What?

TRENT

(to Daria)

We'll talk about this.

DARIA

Okay.

They kiss. Daria heads towards the bathroom.

9 CUT TO: THE AUDIENCE.

Among the formerly dancing people are BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD, idiotic hosts of the Net show Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show, their camera operator TODD BOOLE, and their mike-boom operator STEWART STEVENSON.

BEAVIS

Wasn't that great? We'll be back after these messages with what these people here thought of the first set.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

BEAVIS

OK, guys, let's take five...

TANQUERAY approaches, embraces Butt-Head.

TANQUERAY

Hey.

BUTT-HEAD

Hey.

TANQUERAY

Great show. I was hoping that after the show we could go to--

She is interrupted by a St. Bernard barking at the women's rest-room.

BUTT-HEAD

Hey, who let Cujo in here?

10 CUT TO: INT. A DISGUSTING WOMEN'S REST-ROOM.

DARIA emerges from a stall and begins washing her hands. The camera pans to the bottom of another stall, where two boots can be seen dropping down. The camera returns to DARIA. In the mirror before her, the stall door can be seen opening and TODD emerges.

TODD

Hello, Daria.

DARIA

(starting)

Damn it, Todd! What are you doing in here?

TODD

Is there something wrong with me being here?

DARIA

It's the women's bathroom. See: no urinals.

TODD

I was just hoping we could finally spend some quality time alone together.

DARIA

You've got to be kidding.

TODD

Do I look like I'm kidding? I really like you, Daria.

DARIA

Screw you!

TODD

That's exactly what I was hoping for.

TODD lunges for DARIA, who heads for the door. TODD trips her, sending her sprawling headlong on the floor. Before she can get up, he is on top of her, holding her wrists firmly together behind her with one hand.

TODD

Come on, little girl. Let's have some fun.

TODD yanks DARIA up into a standing position and drags her into a stall, all the time with her struggling. Shoving her against the side of the stall, he starts to go after her panties when the stall door flies inward and hits him on the back of the head. TODD falls over, releasing DARIA.

11 CUT TO: JANE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE STALL.

JANE

Before you commit a felony in the bathroom, be sure the other stalls are empty first.

Relieved, DARIA hugs JANE.

12 FADE TO: BLACK.

13 INT. LOCKER ROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL.

The room is darkened, most the players having already left.

TOMMY SHERMAN is standing by his locker, already back into his street clothes, now busy combing his hair. We slowly stalk up on him as he picks up his book-bag and shuts the locker door. He begins to move off.

electronically disguised voice

Tommy Sherman.

TOMMY stops, and looks at the newcomer. It is SMILEY, a person in a trench-coat and a smiley-face mask, standing menacingly across from him. TOMMY is on the verge of breaking out laughing.

TOMMY

What the Hell...? Hey, Halloween's over.

(beat)

OK, ooh, you're so scary. Who's under that thing?

(beat)

Is that Upchuck?

SMILEY, who has just been standing there, shakes his/her head slowly.

TOMMY

OK, then who is it?

(beat)

Well?

(beat)

Alright, tell me who you are.

SMILEY

I've got a better question for you: how come someone who is otherwise so big is so small in the place it counts?

TOMMY

(enraged)

I'm gonna kick your ass!

SMILEY

Guess again!

SMILEY pulls out a large hunting knife out of his/her sleeve, making a loud snicker-snack as he/she does so.

SMILEY

You're an athlete. Let's see if you can run.

SMILEY lunges towards TOMMY, who starts off and rams straight into the lockers. SMILEY shakes his/her head.

SMILEY

You really suck at this.

TOMMY

Eat this!

TOMMY grabs a football and tosses it at SMILEY's head, knocking him/her over. TOMMY runs, tripping over a bench. SMILEY gets up, comes after TOMMY, and brings down the knife into the bench just after TOMMY runs off.

14 CUT TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL.

TOMMY emerges from a side door into the evening air and runs out onto the athletic field.

TOMMY

Help me! Somebody help me, please!

SMILEY bursts out the side door and comes after TOMMY. TOMMY looks back and rams straight into a goal-post, knocking him out. SMILEY stands over him and shakes his/her head.

SMILEY

Murder looked so much more exciting in the movies.

15 INT. MEETING ROOM.

Inside an exceedingly dull room dominated by a table and a few chairs sits DR. MARGARET MANSON. She has a nicotine patch on her arm and is chewing a piece of licorice. Across from her sit DR. ARVID PRESCOTT and DR. VANCE CARPENTER.

CARPENTER

Dr. Manson, you've met Dr. Prescott before; haven't you?

MASON

We met at a conference once, I think.

PRESCOTT

As you know, for the past several months Todd Audrey Boole has been under psychiatric observation. I have been asked to make a recommendation to the court whether he is fit to stand trial at this time. He is under indictment for the attempted rape of Daria Marie Morgendorffer and later for escaping from police custody and assaulting a police officer.

MANSON

The officers around here are so stupid that someone can use the "what's that over there?" trick on them to steal their guns. I'm surprised it only took them three days to catch him again.

PRESCOTT

Uh, yes. As both of you have some familiarity with Boole, I would like to get your opinions as to his mental state.

CARPENTER

Well, Boole has had a difficult life. There is evidence to suggest a combination of Turner's syndrome, borderline personality disorder, and excess sugar intake.

MANSON

Excuse me?

CARPENTER

Sugar is bad. Sugar makes you hyper. Hitler ate sugar.

MANSON

Give me a break!

CARPENTER

Boole has also suffered a significant amount of psychological trauma since early childhood. His father walked out on him when he was very young, and his mother was a deranged hockey fan. His stepfather was always telling how worthless children were and beat him regularly. His intellectual progress suffered enormously. He was unusually behind in his classes. By the time he was in third grade he was nearly as tall as the teacher. And then for a while he had exceedingly bad acne. Because of all this suffering and rejection, he was forced into an interpersonal style of acting out, being unable to delay gratification. He is so spiritually scarred that he has been left with a narrow and crude emotional range to his psyche. In order to shore up his low self-esteem, he has been putting up a façade which reflects his wish-fulfillment fantasies and subconscious cognitions regarding his own feelings of inadequacy for which he must overcompensate. He must fulfill his impulses to maintain his self-efficacy. This includes his feelings of sexual inadequacy, which is understandable given the puritanical and authoritarianly strict upbringing he was exposed to and the fact that he has only one testicle. The dissonance between the image demanded of him by the mores of our society and his genetic masculine predisposition overpowered him and resulted in the rape attempt. He was not in control of himself when he attacked Daria Morgendorffer. Under his libidinous impulses, he temporarily reverted to a state of bicamerality and simply obeyed them. There was no way he could be responsible for his actions. We ought to be compassionate and recommend he be placed in the best psychiatric care available so that his self-esteem can be properly rebuilt.

MANSON

Vance, you paid too much for that box of Cracker Jack you got your diploma out of.

PRESCOTT

Margaret!

MANSON

Todd Boole is more need of a jail cell than a psychiatric ward. He is a man without conscience. He only thinks about himself and feels no pity, no compassion, no mercy. He tried to rape Daria Morgendorffer because he wanted to, not because he was compelled to. The only thing that can be done for him is to lock him up. He is evil on two legs.

CARPENTER

(sarcastically)

What exactly are the diagnostic criteria for "evil on two legs"?

PRESCOTT

Dr. Mason, since he has been in custody, Boole has been largely catatonic and only babbles word salad. Are you telling me it's an act?

MANSON

Have you ever looked into his eyes? Give it a try, because if you do, you won't see anything remotely human in them. All you will see is a cold, calculating monster, one who without the slightest pang of guilt would kill you and make your skull into a cereal bowl. He needs to be locked away forever where he can't hurt anyone, and that means maximum security.

PRESCOTT

OK... Thank you both for your opinions. After all this, is anyone up for the local bar?

16 EXT. LIMBER PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL--ESTABLISHING SHOT.

The Limber Psychiatric Hospital is a huge, ugly building done in a grotesque, ornate style.

SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER

17 INT. LIMBER PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL--SECURITY DESK.

In a sterile room with security monitors sits a rent-a-cop. DAVID VAN DRIESSEN, a hippie teacher from Highland, approaches.

VAN DRIESSEN

Well, hey, Dan.

rent-a-cop

Mr. Van Driessen. Here to see our prize patient again?

VAN DRIESSEN

If you mean by that Todd Boole, then yes.

DAN

(standing up, picking up a huge chain of keys)

I don't see what good you're doing him. He's barely moved in years.

18 INT. PATIENT'S ROOM.

VAN DRIESSEN enters TODD's room. It is sterile, with a bed, closet, and bathroom but little else. TODD is sitting in a chair facing the window, most of his face out of view. The room is dark, and outside it is night, so there is little light streaming in.

VAN DRIESSEN

Hello, Todd. How are you today?

TODD remains motionless.

VAN DRIESSEN

I know, you're still catatonic, so I'm not expecting you to reply. But that's OK, Todd. You'll get better when it's right for you. Anyway, I've brought some readings for you. I'm going to start with passages from All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and then I'll go on to The Tao of Pooh and The Ballad of the Lesbian Sea-Gull. I hope some of the wisdom in these words percolates down to you so when you start moving again you'll be a better person on the inside.

(pulls out a book)

OK, let me begin.

TODD turns his head to look at VAN DRIESSEN. VAN DRIESSEN is shocked.

VAN DRIESSEN

Holy moly! That's good, Todd. Keep going.

TODD stands up and turns to VAN DRIESSEN.

VAN DRIESSEN

Excellent work, Todd. Come on. I know you've got it in you.

TODD advances and begins to strangle VAN DRIESSEN, who drops his book.

VAN DRIESSEN

(barely able to speak)

Now, this is a little more aggressive than what I had in mind, Todd.

TODD begins banging VAN DRIESSEN's head against the wall.

VAN DRIESSEN

OK, fun's over. I think you should let me go now.

TODD lifts VAN DRIESSEN up by his neck and throws him through a plate glass window. VAN DRIESSEN's screams can be heard dopplering as he descends five floors to go splat on the hard pavement below.

19 CUT TO: SECURITY DESK.

DAN sits at his desk reading an issue of Fangoria, ignoring the security monitors which clearly show TODD walking through the halls at a leisurely yet menacing pace. Suddenly he emerges into the room, picks up one of the monitors, and before DAN realizes what's going on, TODD has slammed the monitor on his head and electrocuted him. TODD grabs DAN's gun and walks out.

20 NEWS DESK.

news reader

Meanwhile, our top story for today: police report that last night two people were killed when twenty-six-year-old Todd Boole escaped from Limber Psychiatric Hospital. Boole was undergoing treatment for a catatonic trance he had fallen into after attempting to rape Lawndale High School student Daria Morgendorffer almost three years ago. The dead include David van Driessen, a former teacher of his from Highland High School. Van Driessen had been making weekly visits to Boole, hoping to help his therapy. Van Driessen died when he fell five stories after being thrown through a window. Police have not released the name of the other victim. People should be on the lookout for Boole. He is a Caucasian male, about five-foot-nine with a buzzed scalp and an overall scary visage. He should be considered armed and dangerous. If you see him, call the police immediately at 976-3845. Do not try to apprehend him yourself. There is a reward of one thousand dollars being offered by Van Driessen's family for information leading to the capture or death of Boole.

20 INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN.

JANE is sitting at the table eating breakfast. ZACHARY, a cat, walks along the floor. DARIA, wearing only a bathrobe, stumbles into the room. Her hair is still wet from a recent shower; she looks like the walking dead.

JANE

Good morning, sunshine. Have a nice night of binge drinking?

DARIA collapses in a chair.

DARIA

(weakly)

Must... have... coffee...

JANE

(getting up and pouring a cup)

That bad, huh? You look horrible this morning. Get hit by a truck on the way home?

(hands DARIA the cup)

DARIA

(taking a big gulp)

I wish. Then I would feel better.

(beat)

I hate this bitter rot-gut. Give me some sugar, baby.

JANE

(scooting the sugar bowl over)

So the new form of self-destruction is going to be cirrhosis?

DARIA

(dumping sugar into her coffee)
Naah. No point in adding to my suffering with hangovers.

JANE

Yet you have done so well towards that end.

DARIA

I had food poisoning. I needed to sterilize my alimentary canal.

JANE

I love it when you talk dirty, Daria.

DARIA

It's not going to happen, Jane.

JANE

Yeah, yeah. But of all the nights for you to do this...

DARIA

What, did I ruin your dinner party?

JANE

No, the photo shoot, the one where you're supposed to be a subject. And Zachary here isn't cooperative enough to be a good substitute.

DARIA

You ought to know better than to try to get a cat to do anything.

(beat)

How did you get me to agree to the photo shoot in the first place?

JANE

You might have been smoking pot at the time. Anyway, I'll have to improvise. How does "A Portrait of Self-Abuse" sound?

DARIA

Try "The Curse of the Misery Chick".

JANE

Oh, dear. More nightmares, or are you up to hallucinations?

DARIA

We shouldn't have done it, Jane.

JANE

And this from someone who doesn't have a conscience. I've got to get over to the studio to set up, so I'll have to put off talking in circles with you till later. Be over at the studio in about an hour.

DARIA

Maybe that hurricane will hit Middleton before then...

JANE

Not likely, so be there.

DARIA

Yes, mistress.

JANE

That's the spirit. Try to wear those white clothes I've laid out for you. Your usual outfits won't look too good in black-and-white.

DARIA

You want me to put on some makeup, too?

JANE

Naah. If anything, with how skinny you are, I might be able to pass you off as an anorexic.

DARIA

And you know how much I want to get that label.

JANE

Oh, before you get excited over this, the news this morning reported that Todd's broken out of the looney bin.

DARIA

Say what?

JANE

Killed someone named Van Driessen in the escape. Dropped him out of a window and made him go splat on the pavement.

DARIA

He was a teacher at Highland, a latter-day hippie. You would think with all the air in his head that he'd float.

JANE

Those spiritual types, they tend to get killed in horror movies. In any case, I need to get off my ass.

(patting DARIA's shoulder)

Don't keep me waiting, honey. Later.

(exits)

21 EXT. BUTT-HEAD'S HOUSE.

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD exit the house, each carrying an open can of beer, and get in a convertible Ferrari, BUTT-HEAD in the driver's seat and BEAVIS shotgun. As BUTT-HEAD starts the car, BEAVIS turns on the radio, which plays Haddaway's "What is Love?".

BUTT-HEAD

That sucks. Find something else, Beavis.

BEAVIS

Sorry.

BEAVIS fiddles with the controls and produces Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride".

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

They each take a sip of beer, and the car pulls away from the curb.

22 EXT. THE STREETS OF MIDDLETON.

The Ferrari weaves recklessly through light traffic as BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD head-bang, make the pseudo-Satanic hand sign (actually Ameslan for "I love you"), and drink beer. Due to a lack of attention on the driver's part, the car does not progress straight down the lane it is in, but swerves a lot and runs a red light, narrowly missing being hit by two other cars, whose drivers do not refrain from using their horns. Coming to a minor hill, the Ferrari leaves the ground briefly (cf. The Dukes of Hazard).

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD

(singing along badly with the music)

Well you don't know what we could find.

Why don't you come with me, little girl,

On a magic carpet ride?

Well you don't know what we could see.

Why don't you tell your dreams to me?

Fantasy will set you free.

Close your eyes girl; look inside, girl.

Let the sound take you away.

The car stops at a stop light. NIKKI, LISA, ANGIE, and BRITTANY are standing by the curb. BUTT-HEAD smiles at them, and they smile back.

BUTT-HEAD

(to the women)

Want to come with me on a magic carpet ride, babes?

BEAVIS

(elbowing BUTT-HEAD)

You moron! Tanqueray will kill you if you even think of cheating on her.

BUTT-HEAD

(as the car starts moving again)

Jerk.

The Demented Duo resume their head-banging, pseudo-Satanic hand signs, and beer-drinking. At a particularly strong chord in the song, BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD chuck their now-empty beer cans out the window. The cans narrowly miss hitting CURTIS, who waves his fist angrily. The Ferrari then knocks over a mailbox, and a dog has to jump out of the way to avoid being hit. Finally, BUTT-HEAD lets his car drift into the on-coming lane and hits a Honda Accord. BUTT-HEAD goes through the windshield of the Ferrari and comes to a rest on the hood. BEAVIS is spared this indignity by a properly functioning air-bag. However, when he steps out of the Ferrari, a Porsche, screeching to a halt, hits him, knocking him to the pavement.

BEAVIS

(his eyes opening wide)

I have awakened again!

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

Jeez.

VAL gets out of the Porsche.

VAL

Damn it! Can't you watch where you're driving?

BEAVIS

How dare you make spurious accusations against the Great Cornholio and his servant?

23 ZOOM OUT TO: DARIA.

DARIA walks down the sidewalk. She still looks tired and is dressed in a white version of her normal costume: jacket, tank top, miniskirt, and knee-high boots.

DARIA

Serves them all right. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd be laughing.

24 EXT. O'BRIEN ART BUILDING, ESTABLISHING SHOT.

The O'Brien Art Building is a one-story brick building, antiquated and ugly.

25 INT. O'BRIEN ART BUILDING, CORRIDOR.

Down a dull corridor walks DARIA. She pauses, takes a hip flask out, and takes a drink before replacing it in her backpack. She finds the proper room and enters.

26 INT. O'BRIEN ART BUILDING, PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO.

It is a white room with many lights and a white background tacked to the wall with a mattress draped with a black comforter on the floor before it. JANE is there with a very large camera.

JANE

Yo.

DARIA

Hey. I can't believe I'm dressed like this.

JANE

I wanted you wearing something which suggested you were pure and virginal in a fairly blunt way.

DARIA

Yeah, that's me, with the on-and-off relationship with your brother I've had.

JANE

Stepbrother. It will also show the gradations in shading better than flat black. Why don't you have a seat on the mattress over there?

DARIA

I'm not really sure I'm up to this.

JANE

(taking DARIA's backpack)

You'll be fine. Besides, this could be therapeutic for you.

DARIA

(sitting on the mattress)

Yeah, right.

JANE

It will. Trust me. OK, smile.

DARIA looks even more annoyed.

JANE

OK, don't smile then. Be miserable, but with feeling. That's it.

(begins snapping pictures)

Beautiful. Now change positions some.

DARIA

Me sitting here like a bump on a log isn't good enough?

JANE

I need a few nice shots for a grade. Try leaning back, tossing your hair about, stuff like that.

DARIA flops back on the mattress limply.

JANE

I suppose that's a start.

(snaps a few pictures)

How about a pose involving you putting some weight on your limbs?

DARIA

You want me to jump on the mattress?

JANE

No... You're in desperate need of loosening up.

(takes a bottle of vodka from a table)

Drink this.

DARIA

Is it cyanide?

JANE

It's vodka. You need to loosen up.

DARIA

(looking wryly at JANE)

I'm not spontaneous enough you?

JANE

If you were spontaneous, we wouldn't be using this mattress for photographs. Drink it.

DARIA gulps some of the vodka.

DARIA

Satisfied?

JANE

A little more. You've developed a bit of a tolerance.

DARIA complies, then hands it back to JANE

JANE

Thank you.

(takes a sip of vodka herself before putting it back on the table)

OK, back to work. How about you kneel on the mattress?

DARIA

(complying)

Will this make me more lifelike?

JANE

Maybe.

(snaps more pictures)

Great, now with feeling.

(snaps more pictures)

Now lean forwards and put some weight on the palms of your hands.

DARIA

(complying)

If the next thing you want to do is put a dog collar on me--

JANE

No, no. I'll get Andrea in here if I want to do that. What if... Why don't you take the jacket off and then resume that position?

DARIA

(removing jacket)

Oh, yes. Now you can see the highly obscene skin on my arms.

(tosses away jacket, resumes position)

How's this?

JANE

You look like a pile of blocks. OK, close your eyes.

DARIA

I know what you did the last time I did that.

JANE

Wrong context, Daria. I want to use a relaxation technique on you. Close your eyes.

DARIA unhappily does so.

JANE

OK, now I want you take some deep breaths... That's it. In... And out... In... And out... OK, now I want you to picture yourself in a location you feel comfortable. Imagine that you are doing something very relaxing, something that will flush all the pain and worry out of you. In... And out... In... Doing good, honey.

DARIA looks visibly more relaxed. JANE begins snapping pictures.

JANE

Keep it up, sweetie. Good. You're looking good. OK, let's try something different.

(begins fiddling with DARIA's top)

DARIA

What are you doing?

JANE

Tweaking things so I can see your cleavage.

DARIA

I wear a push-up bra, Jane. My cleavage is artificial.

JANE

You don't give yourself enough credit. Lean your torso forwards a bit. There you go.

DARIA

You're trying to make me look cheap; aren't you?

JANE

I'm trying to portray your inner self. I know there's a powerful youness inside you just waiting to burst out if you give it a chance.

DARIA

Who's this Eunice, and why can't she get a body of her own?

JANE

(coming around to DARIA's side)

Turn your head towards me and tilt it about thirty degrees.

DARIA complies, her cleavage now fairly obvious.

JANE

That's it.

(begins shooting again)

Keep it up. Show me the tiger inside. Good. Show me the fire, with feeling. Excellent. OK, drop one of the shoulder straps.

DARIA

(complying with a bit of a smile)

Am I enticing you now?

JANE

Definitely.

(begins shooting again)

There you go. OK, show me sexy. Now improvise, Daria.

As JANE shoots, DARIA changes position a few times, then pauses and pulls off her top, revealing her push-up bra.

JANE

Wow, I guess you are feeling better. You're changing gears pretty fast.

DARIA

I liked my happy thought.

JANE

All right, keep it up.

(begins shooting again)

That's it... That's it... OK, that's almost perfect. Hold still.

DARIA is leaning back on her hands while she has her legs folded up before her. JANE approaches and brushes the hair off DARIA's ear.

JANE

Your hair feels very silky today.

DARIA

It usually is. Just the conditioner I use.

JANE

That explains that wonderful smell. What do you do for your skin?

DARIA

It's called "soap".

JANE

(running her hand down DARIA's neck)

But your skin is so wonderfully smooth.

(beat; lowering one strap of DARIA's bra)

We should make this spicier.

DARIA

I can deal with that.

JANE and DARIA, their faces already close and their voices low, fall into a lip-lock and begin sucking face. JANE begins feeling up DARIA's breasts, an exchange which becomes mutual. Suddenly DARIA pulls away, looking ashamed.

JANE

What's wrong?

DARIA

(gathering her clothes up)

This isn't right...

JANE

It felt pretty right to me.

DARIA

Me, too. That's the problem.

(beat)

I'm sorry.

(rushes out)

JANE

(sighing, falling flat on her back on the mattress; beat)

Definitely won't become a therapist...

27 FADE TO: EXT. VEDDER APARTMENT BUILDING, ESTABLISHING SHOT--NIGHT.

Crickets can be heard in the background.

28 INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT, DARIA'S BEDROOM.

In the midst of the grimly decorated room, DARIA sleeps uneasily in her bed.

female voice

Daria... Oh, Daria...

DARIA

(groggily)

Quinn?

voice

Daria...

DARIA

(opens her eyes)

Oh my god!

29 PAN TO SHOW: A MIRROR.

QUINN, looking as if she's a walking corpse, dirty and dressed in rags, floats on the other side of the mirror, her fingertips against the glass. Behind QUINN can be seen the flames of Hell.

QUINN

It was you who did this to me.

DARIA

(approaching the mirror)

No.

A hand reaches out for Daria's shoulder. She spins, finds QUINN standing behind her, along with TIFFANY and SANDI, also looking like the walking dead.

DARIA

Argh!

QUINN

You ruined my life!

DARIA

It was self-defense.

SANDI

Sure, like even you believe that.

TIFFANY

Was it self-defense all the suffering we had to go through?

SANDI

My parents haven't been able to trust me since. I've been a virtual prisoner at home.

QUINN

You, of course, know what my parents did, searching my room, stealing half my stuff, not letting me go out on dates. Who put that idea of a pregnancy test in their heads?

TIFFANY

I couldn't walk in a room without the teachers suddenly stop talking and pretend they didn't. One even called me a whore to my face.

DARIA

You set yourselves up to suffer. You have no one to blame but yourselves.

TIFFANY

Oh, yes. Tell that to my therapist. Would you like to explain the scars on my wrists to him?

SANDI

How about what happened after my parents searched my room and found my little stash of cocaine? Was I hurting anyone with it? No. But, one thing leads to the next, and I find myself in juvenile hall losing my purity to someone with halotosis.

QUINN

And all those freaks, they chose a new role model...

SANDI

...someone who claimed not to be vain or care about popularity, only into depth...

TIFFANY

...but instead made a big deal of her "natural" beauty, showing off that not-so-ordinary body through those not-so-ordinary clothes...

QUINN

...and becoming the one everyone talked about, the most popular person in school!

SANDI

Hypocritical bitch!

TIFFANY

Careful. Maybe she's not as intellectual as she thinks she is.

QUINN

And the worst of it was how every piece of low-life suddenly thought they were hot, all on account of you.

TIFFANY

Yes! "I'm an introverted member of the chess club! Does that make me a jock now?"

SANDI

"Look at me! I'm a rotten little loser with no fashion sense, and I'm a virgin! No one liked me before, but thanks to Daria, I now have the guts to spread chaos by asking you out!"

QUINN

"Hey, check me out, the loudmouthed, stupid-laughing, total freakazoid geek with bad acne! You must respect my humanity now. And you must join us in paying homage to our new goddess. We worship you, Daria!"

QUINN, SANDI, and TIFFANY

(dancing around DARIA)

We worship you! We worship you!

QUINN

Why didn't you finish the job, Daria? Sometimes dead is better.

DARIA

No!

30 SMASH CUT TO: SAME.

DARIA sits bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely.

DARIA

I can't live like this anymore!

31 INT. THE TANK.

TRENT is driving, MONIQUE riding shotgun.

TRENT

I'm sorry, Monique, but I don't think we were ever meant to be together. You're a great woman, but--

MONIQUE

You're going back to that tramp, Daria; aren't you?

TRENT

Hey! It's not I don't like you. It's more of a personality conflict.

MONIQUE

Don't lie to me, Trent! You think I'm too "perfectionist", that I get caught up in appearances to the point of forgetting substance. You hate it that I'm always trying to do something, that I'm a morning person, that I actually have some ambition. No wonder you still call out her name in the middle of the night and are never in the mood!

TRENT

Monique--

MONIQUE

(folding her arms)

I'm not talking to you.

TRENT sighs. The Tank comes to a halt.

32 EXT. VEDDER APARTMENT BUILDING.

MONIQUE exits the Tank and slams the door. The Tank drives away as MONIQUE enters the building.

33 INT. VEDDER APARTMENT BUILDING, ELEVATOR.

MONIQUE enters the elevator and presses the button for the fifth floor. As the doors close, a gloved hand thrusts in between them, causing them to reopen. MONIQUE jumps back, only to breathe a sigh of relief as QUINN enters the elevator.

MONIQUE

For a moment there you scared me. Halloween always does that to me.

QUINN

Really?

34 CUT TO: EXT. VEDDER APARTMENT BUILDING, FRONT STEPS--NIGHT.

JANE and JESSE are talking.

JESSE

I'm sorry about tonight, Jane. This has never happened to me before.

JANE

Don't worry. It happens to every guy sooner or later.

JESSE

So this never happened with Trent or Evan?

JANE

Um... Well... We'll talk about that some other time. Call me later?

JESSE

Yeah, sure.

JESSE and JANE kiss. JESSE pulls away.

JESSE

I got to go, Jane. I'll be back again tomorrow. I promise.

JANE

You'd better be, Jesse, or I'll kill you.

JANE kisses JESSE on the lips. JANE, smiling coyly, begins to head up the steps.

35 CUT TO: INT. VEDDER APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY.

JANE walks down the hall, eventually reaching her apartment. She enters.

36 CUT TO: INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT.

The inside of the apartment is dimly lit and oddly disorganized. JANE immediately senses something isn't right.

JANE

Daria?

She takes a few hesitant steps forwards. Suddenly her she hears a strange crunch beneath her feet. Freezing in her tracks, she bends down to see what it is. Picking it up, she finds it is a package of Pop Rocks.

37 CUT TO: JANE'S POINT OF VIEW.

We see a red light coming out from around the bathroom door.

38 CUT TO: JANE.

JANE

I don't think she's developing pictures in there.

(sprinting through the room)

Daria!

39 INT. A BATHROOM WELL-LIT BY A RED LIGHT BULB.

JANE bursts in. Empty packages of Pop Rocks are strewn all about, and in one corner is DARIA, looking dazed, holding onto an unopened two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic.

JANE

Damn it, Daria! What do you think you're doing?

DARIA, who has been staring off into space, slowly turns to look at JANE.

DARIA

(disturbingly calmly)

Go away, Jane.

JANE

Are you kidding?

DARIA

I'm fine, Jane. It'll all be fine in a little while.

JANE

Hell! You are not fine! You have Pop Rocks wrappers all over the place! It doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out where they went! You're going to do it this time; aren't you? You're going to freaking kill yourself!

DARIA

What if I am?

JANE

Look, I know most of your family hates your guts for what you did. I know my stepbrother hurt you when he left you to go back to that slut Monique, but there are other

(beat)

people out there for you. Damn it! Everything bad that's happened to you isn't your fault! This isn't the end of the world!

DARIA

It is for me.

JANE

Daria--

JANE steps forwards, but immediately stops as she hears a fizzing sound. DARIA has her hand on the cap and has broken the seal.

DARIA

One more step, and I'm going to drink this, and then it'll be one big kaboom. Got it?

JANE

Daria, this isn't the answer. Take you hand off the bottle-cap.

DARIA

You're not stopping me!

JANE

Damn it, Daria! Give me the freaking Coca-Cola!

DARIA pulls off the top and begins to raise the bottle to her lips.

JANE

(slow motion, screaming)

Nooooo!

JANE dives at DARIA. Extending her hand, she knocks the bottle out of DARIA's hands, sending it bouncing on the floor and splashing its contents all over the tiles. For a moment they lie there, together in a crumpled pile. DARIA beings crying, and JANE takes her head onto her shoulder and begins to comfort her.

JANE

(making eye contact with DARIA)

There, there, honey. I'm going to be here for you. We'll get through this.

JANE's voice trails off as she and DARIA draw nearer to each other. Entranced, their lips lock, and they share a prolonged kiss. They break, unsure for a moment what to do from there, then return to kissing, holding each other close, their hands pawing each other and starting to remove each other's clothing.

40 INT. DARIA'S BEDROOM.

Although it is dark, DARIA and JANE can be seen in bed, the sheets going up to their armpits. DARIA is behind JANE, spooning her.

JANE

You know what an orgasm is called in French?

DARIA

No.

JANE

Le petit morte, the little death. So, how did it feel to die a little?

DARIA

Better than the Pop Rocks would have felt. I can't believe I did this.

JANE

Try to remember all the back-story, Daria. There were hints from the day we met. You might even argue your interest in my brother was a way of sublimating your interest in me in a socially acceptable manner.

DARIA

You and that psychology course. Still, you may be right.

JANE

You don't feel ashamed of what we did; do you?

DARIA

Not really. Given all the things I have to feel guilty about, this is nothing.

JANE

Gee, it was fun for me, too.

DARIA

That's not what I meant, Jane. I know Helen and Jake would freak out about this if they found out, but it doesn't bother me. But this isn't exactly how I pictured my life turning out.

JANE

Hitch up with someone, do it like minks, raise some rug-rats, live happily ever after?

DARIA

I'm not so sure about the kids.

JANE

I'm sure we could do the rest without any assistance.

DARIA

I hope you don't think we have to be like girlfriend and girlfriend after this.

JANE

Don't worry, Dar. I can deal with just a PG-13 relationship. I'm most interested in what makes you happy, whoever you end up with. Just please don't scare me like that again.

DARIA

And deprive you of opportunities like this?

JANE

You know you don't have to try to kill yourself to get me in bed. Besides, you know I'll still respect you in the morning.

DARIA

Jane?

JANE

Yes?

DARIA

Shut up and kiss me.

DARIA and JANE begin to engage in face-sucking again.

41 INT. HALLWAY, APARTMENT BUILDING.

TRENT, looking forlorn and carrying a dozen roses, comes walking down the hall towards the DARIA and JANE's apartment. Coming to the door, he lightly knocks, hears no answer except for ZACHARY's meowing.

TRENT

(to himself)

Must be no one home.

Reaching into his pocket, TRENT gets out his key-chain and begins opening the door.

TRENT

Good thing she never demanded the key back.

Entering, TRENT proceeds into the living room. The room is darkened. He slowly proceeds, moving towards the bedroom. ZACHARY rubs himself against TRENT's leg and then wanders off. Opening the door, TRENT looks shocked, drops the flowers, and starts to stomp away. DARIA emerges from the bedroom in only a bed-sheet.

DARIA

Trent! Wait--

(stepping on roses)

Ow ow ow! Hold on!

TRENT

(turning; surly)

What?

DARIA

Don't go. This isn't what it looks like.

TRENT

It looks like you and Janey were making a detailed study of each other's anatomy.

DARIA

OK, it is what it looks like. But you got to understand, I was so depressed that she just had to hold me, cheer me up--

TRENT

And so you two naturally took your clothes off. That's just great! Since when did you become bisexual anyway?

JANE emerges from the bedroom wearing only an oversized T-shirt.

JANE

(stepping over the roses)

What is your problem, Trent?

TRENT

Me? What have you done to Daria?

JANE

Jeez, Trent! Do I ask you what you and umpteen women you've been with have done? Get a life.

TRENT

You know what I mean. She was not into

(beat)

that before you did whatever you did to her.

JANE

Yes, she was. You ever see the way her ears turn pink whenever she watches an Audrey Hepburn movie?

DARIA

Jane!

JANE

I'm just pointing out to this sophist stepbrother of mine that it's not like I've reconfigured your neurons or anything like that. There was no brainwashing, just two people who have been under a lot of stress lately giving in to their mutual attraction and achieving some tension release. That's all.

TRENT

Since when did you like Jane?

DARIA

In case you haven't noticed, I've been very depressed lately. Our last break-up a month ago didn't help. That's just brought up all this stuff from my unconscious I didn't realize was there.

JANE

In any case, it's been obvious to pretty much everyone except you, Trent.

TRENT

Is not.

JANE

They had a betting pool at Lawndale High of when this would happen. I think Andrea's set to collect a substantial sum. In any case, why do you care? She's not your freaking girlfriend!

DARIA

Let me guess: you and Monique broke up, and you want us to get back together. That's why you brought flowers.

TRENT

Um, they were for Janey.

JANE

Red roses? That's not a flower you bring just to visit your stepsister, Trent. That was just an excuse for coming over while you try to get into Daria's pants.

DARIA

Or yours.

TRENT

Do you always have to be so cynical? Maybe for once you could see I just wanted to remain on good terms with the people I care about.

DARIA

Oh, please! Where were you the entire time I've been on Zoloft? When did you bother to speak to me unless your girlfriend of the week hadn't just dumped you?

TRENT

Fine, be that way. I hope you two are really happy together.

TRENT exits, slamming the door behind himself.

JANE

(sighs)

Men. Ruled by their hormones.

DARIA

I can't stand people like that.

DARIA and JANE suddenly embrace and fall down on the floor and out of view of the camera. JANE's shirt suddenly flies up into view.

JANE

(out of view)

Woohoo!

42 CUT TO: EXT. MIDDLETON COLLEGE--DAY.

It is a bright, sunny day. Among buildings about two centuries old with a lot of nice stonework and a large numbers of trees stroll a plethora of college students, many of them nubile young coeds. We pan across the scene to a large tree. Sitting nearby, on the hood of her car, staring off into space, is DARIA, looking very unhappy. She is dressed in black and is wearking sunglasses. The camera pauses there for a while as DARIA drinks from a hip flask. DARIA produces a harmonica from her purse and plays a sad tune. JANE approaches. She is in a red T-shirt, black shorts, and sneakers, and has obviously just been running.

JANE

Daria! Where have you been?

DARIA

What do you want, Jane?

JANE

You missed class again. I got notes, but this is getting ridiculous. You need to start showing up.

DARIA

There are three hundred students in the course and the professor knows maybe two. I'm doing fine in the class. What's your problem?

JANE

My problem is that you're taking a psychology course and can't see you're having another fit of depression. Have you been smoking again?

DARIA

No.

JANE

Try to sweep up the ashes a little better next time you're not smoking. And I just saw you take a swig of something. Have you eaten anything lately?

DARIA

Yes.

JANE

You're not doing your makeup right to avoid looking pale. You've been feeding that thing between the walls again; haven't you? The last thing you need is to be on another one of those self-destructive binges. Are you trying to kill yourself for the second time in twenty-four hours?

DARIA

Does it matter?

JANE

Of course it does. I don't think I could stand Andrea as a roommate.

DARIA

Your concern is touching. Do you think that because we've had sex that anything has really changed?

JANE

Hey, even if it isn't me, you can still do better than mope about the past. Can't you just forget about Trent for once?

DARIA

Gee, thanks for reminding me about him. I'm perfectly over your stepbrother who is completely irresponsible and can't take care of himself. Oh, Hell, he probably couldn't stand my constant nightmares either. Must be why he went back to Monique, I just didn't feel like watching over him like a zoo-keeper and couldn't keep from waking him up every two hours.

JANE

And in the time which has passed, you have sprung back to being your cheery self, which must be why you're acting out a death-wish. You need to move on, put the past behind you, and find someone else. Don't even think of going back to him, even though he broke up with Monique again.

DARIA

Yeah, like telling me to do that is going to help.

JANE

I told you to date Lurman. You two get along.

DARIA

He's my first cousin. Exactly what state do you think I'm from?

JANE

How about the perky, bouncy one?

DARIA

Angie? No way.

JANE

I meant Brittany.

DARIA

I told you: I'm not interested in that.

JANE

You need to get over this. The big Halloween event is tonight. Mack and Jodie are organizing the annual jerk hunt if you want to come along.

DARIA

Jerk hunt?

JANE

It's a tradition here that they find a deserving person every Halloween and make them suffer. I think you'll like the intended victim.

DARIA

Is it Trent?

JANE

No, though he deserves it. The void-hole hasn't paid me back all that money he's borrowed from me.

DARIA

It better be Monique then, that evil slut who destroyed Helpful Corn and ruined my life.

JANE

You're getting warmer. You need a scary costume, preferably something from a horror movie. I saw Mack's costume earlier today, and I nearly burst out laughing.

DARIA

I'm not in the mood for making others suffer. I've done it too much in my life.

JANE

You really must be depressed then. Well, you're not getting off that easy. We are going to the party in the Quad even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming. See you later, lover.

DARIA

Lucky me.

43 EXT. BUTT-HEAD'S HOUSE--ESTABLISHING SHOT.

44 INT. BUTT-HEAD'S HOUSE--LIVING ROOM.

On the sofa in front of the TV is BUTT-HEAD. He looks horribly beaten up and has an arm and a leg in casts. While Lair of the Lesbian Vampires 2: The Sucking plays on the television, he lifts his head with great effort.

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

Beavis...

(beat)

Beavis, could I have a drink of water, please?

Enter BEAVIS, looking disturbed.

BEAVIS

Why have you disturbed my meditation, ye worm?

BUTT-HEAD

I'm very thirsty, Beavis. Could I have a glass of water?

BEAVIS

Great are the number of grains in the desert of time compared to the speck of a grain of a life. How much greater is the infinite to the whims of one.

BUTT-HEAD

Huh?

BEAVIS

I contemplate the Cosmos, and all you think about are the needs of the flesh. How small, how pathetic you are compared to all around you.

BUTT-HEAD

Jeez, Beavis, you don't need to cop an attitude!

BEAVIS

I am not known by that name any longer! I am the Great Cornholio!

BUTT-HEAD

The Hell you are. Get off the drug trip, and get me some water.

BEAVIS

Silence, infidel!

(kicks BUTT-HEAD off the couch, causing him to crash into a glass coffee table and breaking it)

The Great Void demands obedience! If you do not follow the will of the Great Void, you will die most ignominiously!

BUTT-HEAD

Uh... OK...

BEAVIS

We must now chant the sacred chant of the Great Void!

(chanting)

Voidholio... Voidholio...

45 CUT TO: AXL GOMPERTZ, in work overalls, puts on a white mask (like Michael Myers). In the midst of several blocky dormitories, he begins lumbering forward threateningly. In the background the theme music from Halloween can be heard. This continues for a few moments until the theme music suddenly breaks down into cacophony, stopping as AXL freezes in his tracks, wincing at the noise.

46 CUT TO: AXL'S FOOT, which is standing on a synthesizer.

MONIQUE MARTIN, dressed like the Grim Reaper, is sitting on the grass nearby.

MONIQUE

Hey! Watch where you're going!

47 CUT TO: AXL.

AXL

(sheepishly)

Uh, sorry.

(sneaks off)

MONIQUE shakes her head dismissively and begins playing the piano theme from A Nightmare on Elm Street.

48 CUT TO: SEVERAL OTHER STUDENTS IN COSTUMES OF HORROR FILM CHARACTERS, including ANDREA as the Crow, EVAN as Jason Voorhees, TOM SLOANE as Freddy Krueger, ARTIE as Pinhead, COREY as the Mummy, CURTIS as Norman Bates as his mother, HEATHER as the Bride of Frankenstein, ROBERT as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, NICK as Count Dracula, MAX as Candyman, and PIGEON MAN as the Wolfman. Also present are BROOKE, who is dressed as a squirrel, MACK in a long, dark robe, JODIE in a slicker and boots, PIGEON MAN's pigeon as one of the birds from The Birds (she has a sign around her neck saying "I WAS IN THE BIRDS"), and STUPID DUDE with a bra on his head. All the students are on the move. ANDREA stops, tries reaching for her back and fails.

EVAN

What's wrong, Andrea?

ANDREA

My back itches, and I can't seem to reach it.

TOM

Here, let me help.

(scratches ANDREA's back with bladed glove)

ANDREA

That feels so much better! Thank you.

ARTIE

Hey, how's this?

(rubs his head against ANDREA's back)

ANDREA

That feels too weird.

JODIE

Knock it off! We have work to do!

49 CUT TO: EXT. THE STREETS OF MIDDLETON.

TIFFANY is walking down the street when she encounters the mob.

TIFFANY

(really fake smile)

Hi, guys! I've got to go--

JODIE

Is Quinn where you said she'd be?

TIFFANY

Well, um--

MACK

Get to the point. Remember: if you lie to us, it'll be you facing our wrath.

TIFFANY

(sadly)

Yeah.

JODIE

Excellent.

50 CUT TO: EXT. A BEAUTY PARLOR.

QUINN exits the beauty parlor as the costumed students turn a corner in the distance. She ignores them and walks away from them.

51 CUT TO: THE COSTUMED STUDENTS.

JODIE now puts on a fisherman's hat, and MACK puts on a Ghost Face mask. The students hasten their pace.

52 CUT TO: QUINN.

She stops at a "DON'T WALK" crossing sign. She looks around idly and notices the band of costumed students approaching quickly. The costumed students catch up with QUINN as the sign changes to "WALK" and follow her across the street but maintain a distance of several meters. A portable phone rings, and QUINN pulls the piece of noisy electronics out of her purse and answers it.

QUINN

(into phone)

Hello?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Hello.

QUINN

(into phone; after a pause)

Yes?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Who is this?

QUINN

(into phone)

Maybe you have a wrong number.

creepy voice

(through phone)

I'm not sure. Who am I talking to?

QUINN

(into phone)

Tell me who you are first.

creepy voice

(through phone)

Why?

QUINN

(into phone)

Like, duh! You called me!

creepy voice

(through phone)

Oops.

QUINN

(into phone; after a pause)

And you are...

creepy voice

(through phone)

It doesn't matter. I just want to talk to you.

QUINN

(into phone)

If this conversation's not going to go anywhere, I'm hanging up.

creepy voice

(through phone)

Tell me: since it's Halloween, why aren't you wearing a costume?

QUINN

(into phone)

How would you know that?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Because I'm looking at you right now.

QUINN looks around and notices that MACK is holding a portable phone in the proper position to speak into it.

QUINN

(facing the approaching students)

This is not funny!

COREY

This is not a joke!

(points downwards)

On this very spot--

CURTIS

(to COREY)

Uh, Corey, we're not on Ryan Street.

COREY

(pointing to 3:00)

On that very spot, in 1689, Liam Howard, an innocent man, was hung for a murder he didn't commit. And right before they strung him up, he cursed them that he would return from the dead every Halloween and raze the place to the ground unless a guilty person was punished.

JODIE

(brandishing a hook)

We know what you did in high school.

QUINN

You don't mean--

ANDREA

Let's get the jerk!

mob

Killers are coming! Killers are coming! Kill her! Kill her now!

The mob chases QUINN down the street, three blocks to the left, and down an alleyway. QUINN turns a corner and sees the mob run past her as she holds her breath. Exhaling, she starts moving perpendicular to them for a moment until she nearly rams into MACK and JODIE, making her give a short scream.

MACK

Are you scared yet, L. Quinn?

QUINN

What kind of stupid game is this, anyway?

MACK

There are certain rules that have to be followed in playing a Halloween prank. The first is to choose a worthy victim.

QUINN

I don't have to put up with this.

MACK

The second is to choose a deserved torture.

QUINN

(pulling out her cell phone)

That's it. I'm calling the police.

MACK

(knocking QUINN's cell phone to the pavement)

The third is to make sure the victim has no escape.

QUINN turns to run, but discovers that the other costumed students are standing behind her. QUINN screams.

53 SMASH CUT TO: EXT. THE DUMPSTER BEHIND A GOOD TIME CHINESE RESTAURANT.

MACK drops a struggling QUINN into the dumpster.

QUINN

(as she hits the garbage inside)

Ow!

JODIE

Good work, people. Party in the Quad in ten minutes!

The crowd cheers and exits. A moment later a very dirty QUINN climbs slowly out of the dumpster and falls on the asphalt.

QUINN

Ow!

(starts walking away; to herself)

Damn it, Daria! Why did you have to get me into this stupid mess?

54 INT. TIFFANY AND QUINN'S APARTMENT.

SANDI, TIFFANY, JAMIE, JEFFY, and JOEY are present. TIFFANY plays something creepy on a flute as JAMIE, JEFFY, and JOEY listen. SANDI looks out the window at the Quad.

SANDI

Damn it! Who came up with this stupid tradition of a "jerk hunt"?

JAMIE

It goes back to the 60s. I think some of the hippies got drunk and decided to take justice into their own hands.

SANDI

That's just what we needed! I've been harassed for the past three years. The last thing I need is to be attacked by a bunch of idiots.

TIFFANY

(stopping playing)

Don't worry. You're not this year's target. You didn't make it past the third round in the selection committee.

SANDI

How would you know that?

TIFFANY

(shrugs)

So I filled out a few surveys. Don't worry; I voted for that stupid guy who lives next door.

JEFFY

The guy with the pigeon?

TIFFANY

His idiot roommate. He's an obnoxious slob.

JEFFY

Ah.

SANDI

Well, if I'm not this year's target, who is?

Enter QUINN from another room, holding a half-empty bottle of beer, having cleaned herself up and changed her clothes.

QUINN

I was.

(takes a drink)

JOEY

Quinn! Are you OK?

QUINN

(sits down near SANDI)

No, I'm not OK! I was dropped in a dumpster, damn it! Do you know what it's like to have to clean garbage out of your hair?

TIFFANY

Ew!

QUINN

They had to do it right after I left the beauty salon. One good hairdo down the drain. What else could go wrong today?

Two people in long robes and wearing goblin masks burst in, screaming at the top of their lungs. QUINN, TIFFANY, SANDI, JAMIE, JEFFY, and JOEY also scream until the "goblins" break into a fit of laughter.

SANDI

What's so funny?

Still laughing, the "goblins" remove their masks, revealing themselves to be HEATHER and EVAN.

HEATHER

The looks on your faces!

EVAN

We had so much fun on the "jerk hunt" we just couldn't resist adding a surprise twist!

TIFFANY

(approaching, menacingly holding her flute)

Go on, you two! Get out of my apartment! Now!

HEATHER and EVAN start to leave.

HEATHER

What's wrong with her?

EVAN

Sounds like she's got that flute stuck up her--

HEATHER

Evan!

SANDI

That's it! Jamie, we're out of here!

55 EXT. THE QUAD.

The Harpies are playing to a crowd of students, mostly in costume, before them, the song being a rendition of "Time Warp". STEWART is walking with and talking to a coed when his cell phone rings.

STEWART

Hold that thought, baby.

(answers cell phone)

Stewart Stevenson here. Talk to me.

(beat)

How did this happen?

(beat)

Butt-Head! How could you drive in that condition?

(beat)

Of course, it matters! You and Beavis were supposed to be here an hour ago!

(beat)

What do you mean "Cornholio is back"? He's supposed to be on medication! Let me speak to the Great Void's messenger...

STEWART and the coed pass by DARIA (in her ordinary clothes), who is standing around looking bored. DARIA sights JANE (dressed as Catwoman), who sidles up to her.

JANE

What do you think, honey?

DARIA

If I give you some catnip, will you go away?

JANE

Daria, you're being so depressed. You need to release some of that tension.

DARIA

I was in the Bahamas this summer, but that didn't do any good.

JANE

I'm not talking about moping on the beach. All you did was depress the entire Caribbean. You can mope anywhere.

DARIA

So, what are you proposing?

JANE

(moving closer)

Maybe you should find a special someone.

DARIA

Excuse me?

JANE

You know, someone who gets that adrenaline pumping and makes your neck flush. Someone you can release your animal passions on over and over until you can lie back and bask in the warm glow of each other's bodies.

DARIA

(moving closer herself)

Are you writing a romance novel?

JANE

Who said anything about romance?

DARIA and JANE are about to kiss when JESSE, dressed in a white T-shirt, jeans, and with a black sweater tied around his waist, approaches, somewhat discoordinated. He tries to kiss JANE, but she backs off.

JANE

What have you been drinking, Jesse?

JESSE

(slurred)

Only a few six-packs of beer. Where have you been hiding out?

JANE

Trying to cheer up Daria here.

JESSE

Hi, Daria. Your boobies are hot.

DARIA

(crossing her arms over her chest)

Yeah, whatever.

JANE

You were supposed to be here a while ago.

JESSE

I would have been here, but I'm, you know, trying to find Trent right now, trying to meet with him, see if we can, you know, get back together.

DARIA

I wouldn't have thought that was how you two were inclined.

JESSE

His vocal cords have gotten better, you know, no more nodules, and I was thinking he might be interested in, you know, reforming the band.

DARIA

Somehow I don't think it's going to work. Andrea is definitely out of the business.

JESSE

Actually, I was thinking, you know, of trying to persuade Nick and Max to leave the Harpies. They have their soft spots.

JANE

Their heads. It'd be nice to get back at that bipolar bitch who split up Helpful Corn.

JESSE

First I got to find Trent, you know. I'll catch you later.

JANE

Go get 'em, tiger.

JESSE exits.

DARIA

There goes the love of your life.

JANE

He's not the love of my life, Daria.

They hear the sound of someone imitating a stork being strangled.

56 REVERSE ANGLE TO: JESSE FLAPPING AROUND IN A BAD IMITATION OF A BIRD, bounding off across the Quad.

57 REVERSE ANGLE TO: PREVIOUS.

DARIA

He has the dysfunctional part of a dysfunctional relationship down.

JANE

I hate it when he gets plastered. He acts so stupid.

DARIA

More than usual?

JANE

Ask me about the badger incident some time when your stomach is empty.

DARIA

And I wondered why you two stayed together.

JANE

The conversation is poor; he isn't very bright. If it wasn't for the great sex three or four times a day, I would drop him in a moment.

DARIA

I see you have your priorities straightened out.

JANE

Hey, I'm relaxed, I'm happy, and the only thing I have to worry about is what to do about my friend with suicidal tendencies. As far as I can see, the best thing for her would be to get laid.

DARIA

So why don't you tell her when you see her?

JANE

Daria, you need to flush all that negative energy out. Find someone you like, and just do it a few dozen times.

DARIA

I'm just not as comfortable as you doing that, Jane. Your brother's been the only one I've actually done it with.

(beat)

Besides last night.

JANE

Trent's my stepbrother, Daria. Surely there has to be someone else you like. How about Kevin?

DARIA

I'm not into that.

JANE

I know: no sex with stupid people. How about Monique up there?

DARIA

I'd rather see her dead.

JANE

But think of the possibilities! It's poetic justice!

DARIA

Two problems with that: one, I don't have the slightest interest in her, and two, she's probably not interested in me.

JANE

You always have to see the down side.

DARIA

Do you really think I should just give in and do something casual and meaningless?

JANE

(moving closer)

Would you?

DARIA sighs, shakes her head, and walks off.

JANE

(following)

Daria!

58 INT. BUTT-HEAD'S HOUSE.

A doorbell rings, and BEAVIS answers. It is LOLITA and TANQUERAY, the latter carrying a paper bag.

LOLITA

Beavis! We came as soon as we could.

TANQUERAY

Is he OK?

They push their way past BEAVIS without waiting for an answer and go into the living room where BUTT-HEAD is. They flock around him while BEAVIS hovers.

TANQUERAY

Oh, Butt-Head! What's happened to you? When I heard you were hit by a drunk driver, I nearly died!

LOLITA

You look much better than I expected for someone who got in a three-car pile-up.

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

I'll be OK, girls.

LOLITA

You bet you will, Butt-Head. We're going to take such good care of you. Tanqueray and I brought everything we need to make you nachos. Won't that be great?

BEAVIS

(approaching)

Be gone, harlots!

TANQUERAY

Pardon me?

BUTT-HEAD

(softly)

Oh, Hell.

BEAVIS

Tanqueray, you are like the mouth of a cave, open to whoever wishes to walk in.

TANQUERAY

You'd better take that back, or I'm going to kick your ass!

BEAVIS

And you, Lolita, you are like carrying an apple across a clear room, horribly easy.

LOLITA

(hurt)

Beavis, drop dead.

BEAVIS

This Beavis, I am not he. I am the Great Cornholio! I worship the Great Void!

LOLITA

Not again!

BEAVIS

The Great Void has commanded that you two bring an appeasement to his servant Cornholio!

TANQUERAY

Let me guess: We serve you grapes and strawberries while wearing skimpy underwear.

BEAVIS

(smacks TANQUERAY's face with the back of his hand)

Be quiet! One does not make sport of the Great Void!

TANQUERAY

You just signed your own death certificate, Beavis.

A fight ensues between TANQUERAY and BEAVIS, resulting in a lot of furniture being broken and TANQUERAY getting tossed through a window. Screaming, LOLITA runs out of the house and into the street.

59 INT. CREEPY MANSION.

A hero, the handsome and dashing ALEXANDER MADISON, with his shirt open, is faced by two female vampires in skimpy, revealing outfits, ALIZARIN CRIMSON and SANGUINE.

SANGUINE

You will die here, Alexander Madison! We shall take great pleasure drinking your blood!

ALEXANDER

Not so fast!

(pulls out a crucifix)

ALIZARIN

That doesn't work on us, you moron! We're Scientologists!

ALEXANDER

Oh, bloody Hell!

60 CUT TO: ANIMATION OF FILM MOVING.

voice-over

We'll return to Lair of the Lesbian Vampires 2: The Sucking right after these messages.

61 CUT TO: INT. HEATHER'S DORM ROOM.

The animation turns up on a large screen, which then turns to a commercial. On the couch watching it are EVAN and HEATHER snuggling up together.

EVAN

I can't believe I'm watching this.

HEATHER

Oh, yes, you're so self-disciplined that you've never indulged in a guilty pleasure before.

EVAN

I can think of some other guilty pleasures to indulge in.

HEATHER

That's easy enough.

EVAN

Do you have anything particular in mind?

HEATHER whispers something into EVAN's ear, causing his eyes to open wider. HEATHER starts to walk away.

EVAN

Where are you going, Heather?

HEATHER

Well, I have to go buy some ice cream, silly.

(beat)

Don't worry. I'll be back in a few minutes.

(kisses EVAN and exits)

62 EXT. THE QUAD.

HEATHER walks by the partying students as JANE continues the yenta act.

JANE

Maybe Lurman's adopted.

DARIA

Well, there are rumors in the family that I have a half-sibling...

JANE

Cliff!

DARIA

I'd rather date a serial killer.

JANE

Stewart!

DARIA

Too absorbed in his work, and he smells funny.

JANE

You're being such a party-pooper, Daria. Join us! Join us!

63 INT. HEATHER'S DORM ROOM.

EVAN is watching MADISON fight the lesbian vampires with a broken blood bottle. Enter SMILEY. SMILEY walks over to the bed and puts his/her hands on the back of EVAN'S neck.

EVAN

Back so soon? That really feels good, you know.

SMILEY massages EVAN's neck and upper back a bit, which EVAN indicates he enjoys by means of groans of pleasure. Certain that EVAN has been lulled into complacency, SMILEY grabs him by the throat and begins strangling him. The pressure of SMILEY's hands is enough to keep EVAN from screaming.

64 EXT. THE QUAD.

JANE

Beavis!

DARIA

I will kill you, Jane, and bury you in that awful dress I had to wear when I was a bridesmaid at my cousin Erin's wedding if you even think of suggesting Butt-Head or

(with disgust)

Todd.

JANE

Well, he did escape from the funny farm recently...

(sees a look of severe disapproval on DARIA's face)

There has to be someone around here who's at least marginally compatible with you, even just for meaningless sex.

(beat)

How about me?

DARIA

You have to be kidding.

JANE

Come on, Dar. I know you've been interested since the first time we've met.

DARIA

Damn ears.

JANE

They're the window to the soul, my friend.

DARIA

You think we should risk our friendship over sex?

JANE

If you can't do your friends, who can you sleep with?

(sees HEATHER passing by, returning from her mission to get ice cream)

Hey, Heather!

HEATHER

Hi, guys.

JANE

I'm trying to break Daria out of her latest bout of depression by fixing her up with someone. She doesn't seem to want to be with someone who she's already friends with.

DARIA

I didn't say that--

JANE

What do you think, Heather?

HEATHER

Well...

65 CUT TO: HEATHER'S POINT OF VIEW.

We catch a glimpse of SMILEY's mask and his/her violent strangling motions through a third-floor window of Haddon Hall--the window of her own room.

66 EXT. THE QUAD.

HEATHER

(panicking and dropping a pint of cherry vanilla ice cream)

Evan!

(runs off)

DARIA and JANE look puzzled.

DARIA

What was that all about?

JANE

Probably caught a whiff of Evan's pheromones.

DARIA

You have a dirty mind, Jane.

JANE

Thank you.

(beat)

So there'll be no risking our friendship by having a serious relationship?

DARIA

Exactly. Can't damage what you don't have.

JANE

Will I be seeing you again tonight?

DARIA

You'd better, or I'll be really cranky in the morning.

67 INT. HADDON HALL, STAIRCASE.

HEATHER, worried about what's going on, rushes up the stairs. We follow her through the hallway to room 265. She opens the door, and rushes inside. There she sees SMILEY dropping the corpse of EVAN onto the floor. HEATHER screams. SMILEY walks calmly towards her. HEATHER bolts and heads out of the suite, tripping at the threshold, exposing her cleavage and revealing to us that she is wearing high heels. SMILEY continues his/her approach. HEATHER picks herself up and runs down the hall.

SMILEY

(tripping at the threshold)

Damn it! Is it too hard for them to fix these loose floor boards?

(continues his/her pursuit of HEATHER)

HEATHER looks back at the approaching SMILEY and runs up the stairs. SMILEY follows. HEATHER, careless, tumbles over a bannister to the third floor, picks herself up, runs down the hall, looks back at the approaching SMILEY at the wrong moment, and tumbles down the stairs. SMILEY, now walking slowly down the stairs, unsheathes a long, sharp knife. HEATHER, glancing back, screams, picks herself up, runs down the hall, and crashes through a window. We follow HEATHER through the window as she falls, screaming, onto the food table below, where her fall causes the table to tip, catapulting a bowl of a thick punch made with green sherbert. The bowl lands on top of KEVIN, coating him from head to foot.

BRITTANY

Oh, Kevvy!

KEVIN

They can't do this to me!

ARTIE

Who do you think you are? Superman?

KEVIN

I'm the QB, dude!

68 THE QUAD--GROUND LEVEL.

The Harpies stop playing, the students stop dancing, and lots of people, including DARIA, JANE, and BROOKE, run up to HEATHER.

HEATHER

(curled up into a fetal position)

No! No! No!

DARIA

Heather, are you alright?

HEATHER

(sitting up; hysterically)

Someone in a rubber mask just killed Evan!

JANE

What?

DARIA

Calm down, Heather. Tell us exactly what you saw.

HEATHER

Someone in a rubber smiley-face mask put his hands around Evan's neck and choked him to death in my dorm room!

DARIA

A smiley-face mask?

HEATHER

Yes! Then he chased me out here with a knife!

JANE

There have to be a dozen people here dressed as serial killers with knives. Maybe it was a practical joke.

HEATHER

I know what I saw!

BROOKE

Where would anyone get a smiley-face mask?

HEATHER

How the Hell would I know? Evan's just been killed, and I saw it!

DARIA

Calm down, Heather. Let's all go check this out. I'm hoping it's a joke, but there's only one way to find out.

Exit DARIA, BROOKE, JANE, and HEATHER (the first two with arms around HEATHER to provide reassuring contact). Various people are murmuring.

69 INT. HEATHER'S APARTMENT.

There is no sign of EVAN or SMILEY, not even a spot of blood. Enter DARIA, BROOKE, JANE, and HEATHER.

JANE

Wow. What a horrible mess Smiley left us.

DARIA

Shut up, darling.

BROOKE checks in the closet and the bathroom, but notices nothing.

BROOKE

I don't see any dead body or killer.

HEATHER

But they were here!

DARIA

It's all probably just a Halloween joke. We all know Evan is a jock, and so he does tend to go overboard in whatever he does.

HEATHER

(reluctantly)

Yeah.

DARIA

This is all probably just a prank on his part, maybe something he saw in a stupid, cliched, uncreative horror movie, such as I Know What You Did Last Summer. He ought to be back in the morning.

HEATHER

Well...

BROOKE

Listen: if you're still feeling scared, you can stay over in my apartment tonight so you don't have to be alone. Would you like that?

HEATHER nods.

70 EXT. PARKING LOT, BROOKE'S CAR.

HEATHER is already in the car. BROOKE opens the driver's-side door and gets in. She shuts the door and pops down the door locks.

71 INT. BROOKE'S CAR.

BROOKE

Don't worry, Heather. There's nothing to be afraid of.

SMILEY, not agreeing, pops his/her mask up from behind BROOKE and starts strangling her. HEATHER screams and tries to open the door, but finds it locked. We hear the crunch of BROOKE's neck breaking, and SMILEY drops her corpse on the dashboard. HEATHER screams some more. SMILEY, after a moment's thought, pulls BROOKE's body into the back-seat, climbs into the driver's seat, and starts the car.

SMILEY

Don't forget to buckle up!

72 EXT. BROOKE'S CAR.

The car pulls out of the lot and races down the street.

73 INT. BROOKE'S CAR.

HEATHER

(screaming)

Where are you taking me?

SMILEY

Over the hill and through the woods to the gates of Hell we go!

HEATHER desperately tries the door again. Failing, she grabs a knife protruding from SMILEY's pocket, but SMILEY grabs her hand in an iron grip before she can do anything with it.

SMILEY

Didn't they ever tell you never to distract the driver of a moving vehicle?

(forces the knife from HEATHER's hand and maintains a grip on her arm)

You'd better hope it doesn't rain, because I can't turn on the windshield wipers.

HEATHER hits SMILEY in the face, causing him/her to scream and lose control of the car.

74 EXT. BROOKE'S CAR.

The car smashes into a lamppost and comes to a complete stop.

75 INT. BROOKE'S CAR.

SMILEY appears to be unconscious. HEATHER shatters the passenger-side window with her shoes and climbs out of the car through it.

76 EXT. BROOKE'S CAR.

Seeing a pay phone, HEATHER runs over to it, picks up the receiver, and dials "911". An operator picks up on the other end.

operator

(through phone)

Hello? 911.

HEATHER

(into phone)

You've got to help me! Someone just killed my boyfriend and someone from my American history class and just tried to kill me!

operator

(through phone)

Just stay calm. Are you in immediate danger?

HEATHER

(into phone)

I think he's unconscious.

operator

(through phone)

OK. Where are you?

HEATHER

(into phone)

I'm at the corner of--

The sound of footsteps can be heard. HEATHER looks back to see SMILEY walking slowly towards her.

HEATHER

(dropping the phone)

Oh my god! He's awake!

(runs for her life)

operator

(through phone)

Hello? Are you still there?

77 FOCUS ON: HEATHER.

HEATHER runs like she's never run before and falls flat on her face. She gets back up again and runs until she's a few meters from the Quad. Suddenly, a gloved hand yanks her to a halt. HEATHER turns 180° and knees SMILEY.

SMILEY

(sarcastically)

Ow. That really hurt.

SMILEY pulls out a knife and stabs HEATHER with it in the belly. HEATHER, a look of surprise and horror on her face, collapses on the ground.

SMILEY

This blood's for you!

SMILEY walks calmly away, HEATHER's body over his shoulder.

78 EXT. THE QUAD--LATER.

SMILEY walks out of Haddon Hall and soon encounters ANGIE.

ANGIE

Wow! What a great costume!

SMILEY

Thank you.

SMILEY walks away.

79 EXT. HOUSE--NIGHT.

In the middle of the boonies, centered in a large, well-trimmed lawn, is a large Victorian house, illuminated only with moonlight. Above the crickets can be heard the voice of SANDI from an upstairs bedroom.

SANDI

Come on! Give it to me!

JAMIE

You got it, baby!

(beat; sigh)

80 CUT TO: INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM.

From the moonlight streaming into the room through a large window we can see two young people in bed: SANDI and JAMIE. They lay side by side, obviously naked under the sheet on them which covers SANDI from the armpits down but dips down almost to JAMIE's waist.

SANDI

That was incredible.

JAMIE

It's always best after the fifth time in a single night.

SANDI

You weren't kidding about that.

JAMIE

Think of all the time we're going to have to enjoy nights like this. We'll have a flock of kids, we'll travel the world, see all kinds of wonderful sights by day--

SANDI

Feel all kinds of wonderful feelings by night.

JAMIE

It's all laid out before us. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

(sighs)

God, I'm thirsty. I'm going to get something from the kitchen. You want anything?

SANDI

Oh, no, I'm fine. Go ahead. After the last three hours of love-making, I'm getting sticky. Get a drink while I get a quick shower. After all, the night is still young.

JAMIE

I like the way you think, Sandi. I'll be right back. Don't get dressed.

As JAMIE leaves, SANDI glances at her hand, now bearing a glittery engagement ring.

SANDI

(quietly, to herself)

Mrs. Sandi D. Griffin-White.

(smiles; beat; exits to the side)

81 INT. KITCHEN.

JAMIE, wearing a bathrobe, enters the darkened kitchen. He takes a beer from the refrigerator, closes it, and begins drinking the beer. It is very quiet save the dramatic music when suddenly an electronically disguised voice speaks.

voice

Jamie Eustace White.

JAMIE

(starting)

Who's there!

JAMIE can now see a vague figure standing in the shadows.

figure

Only you are truly here, Jamie.

JAMIE

What the Hell are you doing in my kitchen?

figure

I'm a figment, Jamie. I'm a product of your mind. Otherwise how would I know deep, dark secrets, such as you have a stash of dirty magazines under your bed, or that it's only four inches long?

JAMIE

(sounding very unnerved)

I don't know who you are or what you want, but this isn't funny, and if you don't leave immediately, I'll--

figure

Call the police? I knew you would say that. But then again, you were always annoyingly predictable.

JAMIE

Now listen here--

figure

No, you see here.

The figure advances into the moonlight streaming in from a window to reveal SMILEY. SMILEY holds out a very shiny hunting knife and toyingly moves the tip down the exposed part of JAMIE's chest.

SMILEY

I am part of you, I am inside you, and that is because I am one of your nightmares. I know your secrets, your fears, your hopes, your wishes and dreams. And if you don't play along with this little game of mine, you'll die.

JAMIE

And if I do play along?

SMILEY

(beat)

You still die.

SMILEY stabs JAMIE in the chest and then repeatedly stabs him as he screams and collapses to the floor.

SMILEY

(sarcastically)

Oh no. You've got your blood all over my nice, clean knife.

82 CUT TO: INT. SHOWER STALL.

As seen from the shoulders up, SANDI is taking a shower. An indistinct noise can be heard in the background which gets SANDI's attention. She turns off the water and listens for a moment.

SANDI

Jamie?

83 CUT TO: BEDROOM.

SANDI emerges from the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around her. She looks around, heading for the darkened hallway.

SANDI

Jamie? Is that you?

84 CUT TO: HALLWAY.

In the hall, SANDI slowly walks among the half-opened doors. Another indistinct noise can be heard. SANDI freezes up for a moment, and then a cat, FLUFFY, emerges from behind a curtain and runs up to her.

SANDI

(taking FLUFFY in her arms)

Oh, Fluffy! Was that you? You had me so scared! For a moment I thought there might be someone--

The indistinct noise can be heard again. SANDI freezes. As she slowly spins, we can see SMILEY emerging from the darkness behind her with a raised knife.

SANDI

(throwing FLUFFY in SMILEY's face)

Kill, Fluffy! Kill!

As SMILEY tries to pull the screeching cat off his/her face, SANDI runs to the end of the hallway and down the steps. As she runs through the kitchen, she slips and nearly loses her balance. The liquid on the floor is very dark, and SANDI traces it to the body of JAMIE, which is hanging on a hook on the wall. SANDI screams just as SMILEY runs into the kitchen, slips on the blood, and falls on his/her butt. SANDI takes the opportunity to run down to the darkened basement, where she hides among piles of stuff. She hears the sounds of the stairs creaking as SMILEY deliberately and slowly descends. At the base of the steps he/she pauses.

SMILEY

(speaking as he/she walks around)

Sandi Griffin, age twenty. Recently engaged to Jamie White, who will not be able to fulfill that commitment. Am I close, Sandi?

SANDI looks mortified as, crouched down, she hides while SMILEY walks all around her. Tears begin to stream down her face.

SMILEY

And speaking of amusement, how many football players were you intimate with?

(beat)

Welcome to your nightmare, Sandi. Rest assured that tonight will be the last night of the rest of your life.

SANDI

No!

Striking out headlong, SANDI grabs SMILEY by the feet, making him/her fall headlong.

SMILEY

Fudge!

Running, SANDI heads for the stairs, with SMILEY close behind. As SANDI ascends, SMILEY runs under the stairs, jumps, and grabs SANDI by the foot. SANDI falls over, suspended above the ground by SMILEY holding onto her.

SMILEY

How's it hanging, Sandi?

Releasing his/her grip, both fall. SMILEY lands on his/her butt again, but SANDI, wide-eyed, falls straight on her head.

SMILEY

(looking over the body, the towel wrapped around it still in its place)

Nice of you to drop in.

85 CUT TO: EXT. MOESCHBERGER DORMITORY, ESTABLISHING SHOT--NIGHT.

86 CUT TO: INT. MOESCHBERGER DORMITORY, TRENT AND JESSE'S DORM ROOM.

TAYLOR, a cat, sits on a bed, playing with a ball of yarn. JESSE enters his dorm room, just returning from the showers, with only a towel around his waist. He is whistling something very annoying. He opens the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet to get some hair gel, and when he closes it, SMILEY can be seen in the reflection, and he/she does not look happy.

JESSE

(surprised, turning around)

What the?

SMILEY

(especially creepy)

Hello, Jesse.

JESSE

What the Hell is this?

SMILEY

Simply here with a score to settle.

(knees JESSE)

JESSE

(collapsing)

What the Hell's your problem?

SMILEY

Where should I start?

TAYLOR, not waiting for an answer, jumps screeching at SMILEY. SMILEY bats the cat to the floor, then steps on it, making a sickening crunch as TAYLOR's spine and ribs are shattered.

SMILEY

Now where was I? Oh, yes.

(kicks JESSE where the Sun doesn't shine)

Bad things happen.

(kicks JESSE there again)

My life goes down the tubes.

(kicks JESSE yet again)

JESSE

(in agony)

Stop it, please!

SMILEY

Ooh, I'm so moved by your plea.

(kicks JESSE's face, sprawling him out)

Whatever did I do to deserve this?

JESSE

How should I know?

SMILEY

No wonder Bi-Curious Jane likes you, Tiny: she can't handle a real man.

(kicks JESSE again)

JESSE

You bastard!

JESSE lunges for SMILEY, who topples over onto the bed, surprised. JESSE makes for SMILEY's throat. SMILEY punches him in the face and kicks him off. JESSE goes flying, banging his head on a small refrigerator. He is still for a moment.

SMILEY

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Silly boy. You didn't want to do that; did you?

JESSE

Guess again!

JESSE gets up, trips on the dead cat, rolls against SMILEY's legs, tripping SMILEY, sending him/her falling to the floor into a pile of dirty laundry. JESSE grabs SMILEY by the collar and shoves him/her into the closet through a bunch of wire coat hangers.

JESSE

Die, bastard! Die!

SMILEY

Don't count on it!

(punches JESSE in the abdomen)

JESSE falls onto the bed. SMILEY grabs him by the hair and drags him off the bed.

SMILEY

I'm not bad; I'm just having a bad-temper day.

SMILEY drags JESSE's face over the counter in front of the mirror, knocking a number of hair- and skin-care items off before letting his/her unconscious and battered victim fall to the floor. Taking a wire coat hanger from the closet, he/she deftly unwraps it, extending it out as one long piece of wire which he/she takes by the ends.

SMILEY

Prepare to die, pretty boy.

87 INT. MOESCHBERGER DORMITORY, HALLWAY.

TRENT walks down the hall. He enters his and JESSE's room. After a beat, he screams, runs out of the room, and bangs on the door to TOM's room, which happens to be across the hall. TOM opens his door.

TOM

What's the matter, Trent?

TRENT

Jesse's dead!

88 EXT. MIDDLETON COLLEGE--NIGHT.

Police sirens ring out in the background.

89 INT. DARIA and JANE'S APARTMENT, JANE'S BEDROOM.

It is dark, and barely anything can be seen. A phone rings and glows. JANE, who is in the bed, sits up suddenly and turns on the light. She answers. A sleeping DARIA can be seen next to her.

JANE

(into phone)

Why have you disturbed our slumber?

TRENT

(through phone, sounding really monotone)

Hey, Janey.

JANE

(into phone)

This better be good, Trent. I was just on the verge of getting to sleep before three in the morning.

TRENT

(through phone)

I think you need to come over here, to the dorm. Something's happened to Jesse.

JANE

(into phone)

Is he tweaking from inhaling his hair-spray again? Give him an aspirin and put him to bed.

TRENT

(through phone)

That's not what happened, Janey.

JANE

(into phone)

Is it worth calling me this late? Is he asking to be tucked in?

TRENT

(beat; through phone)

Something's happened to him.

JANE's expression suddenly changes to one of worry.

90 CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY, MOESCHBERGER DORM.

Hastily dressed, a despondent JANE moves down the hall, increasingly crowded with law-enforcement officers. She comes to JESSE's room, the epicenter of the activity. She tries entering but is stopped by an officer.

officer

Where are you going, ma'am?

JANE

I need to get in there.

officer

I'm sorry, ma'am, but this is a crime scene. You'll have to--

JANE

I said I need to get in there!

JANE shoves the officer out of the way and enters the dorm room, only to stop after a few steps. JESSE's body is lying on the bed, covered with bruises, a thick wire from a coat hanger twisted tightly around his neck. A cop and BRIAN DANIELSON, who are also in the room, look up.

DANIELSON

Excuse me...

JANE is stunned for a moment, then suddenly turns and runs out, knocking over the same officer she did on the way in. She suddenly runs into TRENT.

TRENT

Janey, I...

JANE

What's going on! Who the Hell killed Jesse! Who killed him!

TRENT

The police don't know killed Jesse and Taylor, Janey.

DANIELSON

Who's Taylor?

JANE and TRENT

The cat!

DANIELSON

Wait a minute. Nobody move! Where's the dead cat?

The sound of a toilet flushing can be heard. KEVIN tries sneaking out of the room's bathroom, everyone in the room looking at him.

KEVIN

I, um, stuffed up the toilet?

DANIELSON

Get that moron out of here!

Two officers grab KEVIN and drag him out of the room.

DANIELSON

And someone get that cat out of the toilet!

JANE

(to TRENT)

How could this happen! I just saw Jesse a few hours ago! What the Hell is going on!

TRENT

(trying to put a hand on her shoulder)

Janey--

JANE

(backing away, putting up a fist)

Don't touch me!

(runs off)

91 INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM.

DARIA is talking on a cellular phone.

DARIA

Trent, you don't need to be hostile. She's not back yet.

JANE enters and slams the front door.

DARIA

She just walked in, and she doesn't seem to be taking it well. I'd better talk to her.

(beat; irritated)

Good-bye, Trent.

(hangs up)

Jane, are you OK?

JANE

No! Jesse's been murdered!

(starts crying)

How am I supposed to feel when someone I've known so long has been killed?

DARIA embraces JANE.

DARIA

It's alright. I'll be here for you.

92 INT. ROOM.

JANE stands at a table, cutting up a plastic lizard doll, which has a smiley-face painted on it, with a large knife. Blood is oozing out of the plastic lizard and getting all over the place.

93 INT. JANE AND DARIA'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM.

It is morning, and the sunlight is streaming in through the windows. In the bed sleep DARIA and JANE. They cuddle together tightly, all the interesting parts under the sheets. For a few moments, DARIA rests her head on JANE's shoulder, and the sheets move up and down as they breathe in their angelic sleep. Suddenly the bedroom door bursts open, admitting FLEMING and DANIELSON with drawn weapons. DARIA and JANE are woken. DARIA, pulling the sheets to her chest, screams. JANE jumps out of the bed naked (shot around the interesting parts) and brandishes a nearby baseball bat.

FLEMING

Freeze! Nobody--what the Hell...?

DARIA

(recovering)

Brian?

DANIELSON

(very confused)

Daria, you never, uh...

JANE

(setting the bat down, grabbing a loose oversized T-shirt)

Great, your idiot cousin's husband from the CIA.

DANIELSON

FBI.

(lowering his weapon, flashing a badge)

Agent Danielson. Oh, this is Agent Fleming. Who the heck is this?

DARIA

Jane. Jane Lane, my

(beat)

roommate.

FLEMING

A very close roommate.

JANE

(now with the T-shirt on)

Don't they teach you idiots to knock before busting a door off its hinges?

DANIELSON

Sorry about this, Daria. No one answered the door, and we thought,

(beat)

you know, the killer struck again.

DARIA

I've already complained to maintenance about the door chime.

JANE

Aren't you supposed to announce yourselves before entering so the bad guys know the spray the door with bullets?

FLEMING

(looking irritated)

Ms. Lane, sorry to bust in on your fun, we need to ask you some questions about Jesse Moreno.

JANE

Yeah, yeah. Let's just let Dar here have some privacy.

JANE exits the room, followed closely by FLEMING. DANIELSON straggles.

DANIELSON

I'm really sorry about this, Daria.

(exits)

DARIA buries her face in her hands.

94 CUT TO: LIVING ROOM.

JANE walks through the living room into the kitchen, followed closely by the FBI agents. ZACHARY walks by, rubs himself against JANE's legs, and hisses at FLEMING and DANIELSON.

FLEMING

Where were you last night between eight and nine o'clock, Ms. Lane?

JANE

(taking a glass from the cupboard)

In the Quad at the Halloween party.

FLEMING

Anyone see you there?

JANE

(getting orange juice from the refrigerator and pouring half a glass)

Probably the entire crowd. Let me guess: you've got some stupid theory that I'm the killer.

DANIELSON

You don't seem that upset over your boyfriend's death.

JANE

I got most of that out of my system last night in a major sob-fest. And he wasn't much of a boyfriend, Brian. It was mostly a sexual relationship, very little meaning. Most guys are into that sort of stuff; aren't you?

DANIELSON grimaces; FLEMING looks unphased.

FLEMING

So you ended your relationship with Moreno last night?

JANE

(showing a hint of a grin)

I was planning on doing it sometime, but it looks like someone beat me to it. It would have been over soon anyway; we really had nothing to talk about. And, no, I didn't kill him. I was there the entire time the party went on, and that was from seven to way after midnight. Jesse showed up briefly but left, and that was the last time I saw him alive. You can ask anyone who was there, including Daria. I come home, I try to go to sleep, and suddenly I get this call from my stepbrother Trent that I need to come over there because something's happened to Jesse.

FLEMING

And then what did you do?

JANE

After I walked in on your stupid partner and saw someone had strangled my boyfriend and wrote "PRETTY BOY" on the wall? I came straight back here and met up with Daria.

DANIELSON

And then you...?

JANE

Did it.

(beat)

Sex, Brian. Hot, throbbing orgasmic experiences that went on for hours. Is that enough information?

DANIELSON blushes.

JANE

Let me ask you something, Brian: why is the FBI involved in this case?

FLEMING

That's on a need-to-know basis, Ms. Lane.

DARIA emerges from the bedroom in a bathrobe which conveniently hangs open enough in front to show a nice swath of cleavage.

DARIA

I think we need to know. Brian, you're in Behavioral Sciences. They wouldn't have called you in unless there's a--

JANE

Serial killer.

DARIA

You think Jane's a serial killer?

DANIELSON

Daria, do you remember that stunt you pulled in high school with the Sick, Sad World report?

JANE

That would be hard to forget.

DARIA

What does that have to do with this?

JANE

This wouldn't have anything to do with Tommy Sherman; would it?

FLEMING

(beat)

Why do you say that?

JANE

Two days after the broadcast, he was found hung from the goal-post. He had been gutted, and t

daria 2 the curse of the misery chick

daria 2
the curse of the misery chick