daria 2
the curse of the misery chick

Daria (the movie):

Behind the Looking Glasses:

Daria 2:  The Curse of the Misery Chick:Script, part 1CreditsScript, part 2PicturesReviewsCommercial

NOTE:  Because we recieved this script from a different source that the previous one and it was written by a different person who did not include the credits therein, the credits have been put into a different file.

BRITTANY

(sleepily)

Jane, could you turn the light off?

JANE

(still sketching intently)

Not now...

BRITTANY

You've had another of those dreams; haven't you?

JANE

We each get inspiration in our own way.

BRITTANY

(sitting up)

But this isn't--

(sees picture)

Eep!  That isn't--

JANE

A water buffalo grazing in Central Park?  No.  Daria lying on the floor with a pool of blood gradually spreading from her dead body?  Yes.

BRITTANY

Jane, I know I'm not that smart, though I think I'm smarter than you think I am, which is pretty smart--

JANE

(irritated)

Brittany...

BRITTANY

Jane, how many dreams like this have you had?

JANE

A few.

BRITTANY

More than a few.  Every night you're having dreams about people you know getting killed.  I was reading this book, and I think maybe you have some subconscious feelings you need to deal with.  I mean, I thought you liked Daria.

JANE

What do you care?  Next week, when Kevin apologizes, you'll forget about me and deny that this ever happened for the fifth time.

BRITTANY

Jane, this isn't emotionally healthy!  You're reacting out against people you know due to their apparent emotional neglect of you and fantasizing about their downfalls. This could really eat away at you until you spiral down into depression.  You need some therapy.

JANE

(setting her pad down)

Oh, Brittany, you sweet-talker, you!

JANE

So how are you doing?

DARIA

Wondering if we overdid it.

JANE

I told you it would feel sore if you two did it too much.

DARIA

I'm talking about what we did to the Fashion Club, Jane, not your brother.

JANE

Stepbrother.  Daria, they were a menace.  They set out to ruin your life.

DARIA

Yeah, but don't you feel the least bit guilty?

JANE

May I remind you of the dichotomy between us and them?  Over there are the popular crowd, those concerned so much about social status that they don't care that they make themselves or others miserable.  So very like a nest of giant ants, they follow the trails their comrades and exploiters leave behind, subject to the whims of popular opinion and fashion like a flag in the wind.  Music of choice:  the blathering hum of their own voices speaking of trivial matters.  Drug of choice:  adrenaline and endorphins, brought out by engagement in dangerous and stupid acts.  We fall in the other category, the outcasts, the thinkers, those who buck the trends in their iconoclastic ways because some things are just to idiotic to follow.  We invent our own standards.  Music of choice:  the beat of our own drum.  Drug of choice:  books, writing, artistic expression.

DARIA

It's not that clean-cut.

JANE

True.  Take the marching band, for example.  In the parade last year, they stayed inside that stupid float instead of playing on top like they were supposed to.  They thought their uniforms were too stupid-looking.

DARIA

Meet the little musical creatures who hide among the flowers.

(beat)

So what was that with Brittany yesterday?

JANE

She was having her regular breakup with Kevin and looking for that something special he couldn't provide.

DARIA

Intelligence?

JANE

That wasn't the word I'd use, but it certainly helps in the performance.

DARIA

I do not want to know.

JANE

That I did it with her until the sheets were soaked with her sweat?

DARIA

Jane!  Where was Jesse in all this?

JANE

We have an open relationship, Daria.  His only problem will be that he didn't get to watch.

DARIA

You and your crazy sex life...

JANE

Oh, I also had another of those nightmares.

DARIA

Who was dead this time?  DiMartino?

JANE

Actually, you.

DARIA

Great.  I'm the woman of your violent dreams.

JANE

It's great.  With this one I'll have a great painting.  I told you about the exhibit the gallery wants to show of this series; haven't I?

DARIA

"Death of a Generation".  They'll be calling you the second coming of Maplethorpe.

JANE

I hope so.  Would you be willing to pose for the painting?

DARIA

You better not have dreamed of me nude...

TOMMY

Come on, misery chick...  Come on and get it...

TOMMY

Yes!

SANDI

Damn it!

(runs off)

TOMMY

Shoot!  I'm sleeping alone for a week!

DARIA

Thank you!  We'll be back in an hour for the second set, so don't go away!

DARIA

You still on for later?

TRENT

(unenthused)

Yeah.

DARIA

You don't sound too happy.

TRENT

Something doesn't feel right.  I mean, look at them.

They look over at Andrea and Joey in an advanced state of making out.

TRENT

They look like they have this spark we don't.

guitarist of other band

Well, I hear that's because she'll--

guitarist

What?

TRENT

(to Daria)

We'll talk about this.

DARIA

Okay.

BEAVIS

Wasn't that great?  We'll be back after these messages with what these people here thought of the first set.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

BEAVIS

OK, guys, let's take five...

TANQUERAY

Hey.

BUTT-HEAD

Hey.

TANQUERAY

Great show.  I was hoping that after the show we could go to--

BUTT-HEAD

Hey, who let Cujo in here?

TODD

Hello, Daria.

DARIA

(starting)

Damn it, Todd!  What are you doing in here?

TODD

Is there something wrong with me being here?

DARIA

It's the women's bathroom.  See:  no urinals.

TODD

I was just hoping we could finally spend some quality time alone together.

DARIA

You've got to be kidding.

TODD

Do I look like I'm kidding?  I really like you, Daria.

DARIA

Screw you!

TODD

That's exactly what I was hoping for.

TODD

Come on, little girl.  Let's have some fun.

JANE

Before you commit a felony in the bathroom, be sure the other stalls are empty first.

electronically disguised voice

Tommy Sherman.

TOMMY

What the Hell...?  Hey, Halloween's over.

(beat)

OK, ooh, you're so scary.  Who's under that thing?

(beat)

Is that Upchuck?

TOMMY

OK, then who is it?

(beat)

Well?

(beat)

Alright, tell me who you are.

SMILEY

I've got a better question for you:  how come someone who is otherwise so big is so small in the place it counts?

TOMMY

(enraged)

I'm gonna kick your ass!

SMILEY

Guess again!

SMILEY

You're an athlete.  Let's see if you can run.

SMILEY

You really suck at this.

TOMMY

Eat this!

TOMMY

Help me!  Somebody help me, please!

SMILEY

Murder looked so much more exciting in the movies.

CARPENTER

Dr. Manson, you've met Dr. Prescott before; haven't you?

MASON

We met at a conference once, I think.

PRESCOTT

As you know, for the past several months Todd Audrey Boole has been under psychiatric observation.  I have been asked to make a recommendation to the court whether he is fit to stand trial at this time.  He is under indictment for the attempted rape of Daria Marie Morgendorffer and later for escaping from police custody and assaulting a police officer.

MANSON

The officers around here are so stupid that someone can use the "what's that over there?" trick on them to steal their guns.  I'm surprised it only took them three days to catch him again.

PRESCOTT

Uh, yes.  As both of you have some familiarity with Boole, I would like to get your opinions as to his mental state.

CARPENTER

Well, Boole has had a difficult life.  There is evidence to suggest a combination of Turner's syndrome, borderline personality disorder, and excess sugar intake.

MANSON

Excuse me?

CARPENTER

Sugar is bad.  Sugar makes you hyper.  Hitler ate sugar.

MANSON

Give me a break!

CARPENTER

Boole has also suffered a significant amount of psychological trauma since early childhood.  His father walked out on him when he was very young, and his mother was a deranged hockey fan.  His stepfather was always telling how worthless children were and beat him regularly.  His intellectual progress suffered enormously.  He was unusually behind in his classes.  By the time he was in third grade he was nearly as tall as the teacher.  And then for a while he had exceedingly bad acne.  Because of all this suffering and rejection, he was forced into an interpersonal style of acting out, being unable to delay gratification.  He is so spiritually scarred that he has been left with a narrow and crude emotional range to his psyche.  In order to shore up his low self-esteem, he has been putting up a façade which reflects his wish-fulfillment fantasies and subconscious cognitions regarding his own feelings of inadequacy for which he must overcompensate.  He must fulfill his impulses to maintain his self-efficacy.  This includes his feelings of sexual inadequacy, which is understandable given the puritanical and authoritarianly strict upbringing he was exposed to and the fact that he has only one testicle.  The dissonance between the image demanded of him by the mores of our society and his genetic masculine predisposition overpowered him and resulted in the rape attempt.  He was not in control of himself when he attacked Daria Morgendorffer.  Under his libidinous impulses, he temporarily reverted to a state of bicamerality and simply obeyed them.  There was no way he could be responsible for his actions.  We ought to be compassionate and recommend he be placed in the best psychiatric care available so that his self-esteem can be properly rebuilt.

MANSON

Vance, you paid too much for that box of Cracker Jack you got your diploma out of.

PRESCOTT

Margaret!

MANSON

Todd Boole is more need of a jail cell than a psychiatric ward.  He is a man without conscience.  He only thinks about himself and feels no pity, no compassion, no mercy.  He tried to rape Daria Morgendorffer because he wanted to, not because he was compelled to.  The only thing that can be done for him is to lock him up.  He is evil on two legs.

CARPENTER

(sarcastically)

What exactly are the diagnostic criteria for "evil on two legs"?

PRESCOTT

Dr. Mason, since he has been in custody, Boole has been largely catatonic and only babbles word salad.  Are you telling me it's an act?

MANSON

Have you ever looked into his eyes?  Give it a try, because if you do, you won't see anything remotely human in them.  All you will see is a cold, calculating monster, one who without the slightest pang of guilt would kill you and make your skull into a cereal bowl.  He needs to be locked away forever where he can't hurt anyone, and that means maximum security.

PRESCOTT

OK...  Thank you both for your opinions.  After all this, is anyone up for the local bar?

VAN DRIESSEN

Well, hey, Dan.

rent-a-cop

Mr. Van Driessen.  Here to see our prize patient again?

VAN DRIESSEN

If you mean by that Todd Boole, then yes.

DAN

(standing up, picking up a huge chain of keys)

I don't see what good you're doing him.  He's barely moved in years.

VAN DRIESSEN

Hello, Todd.  How are you today?

VAN DRIESSEN

I know, you're still catatonic, so I'm not expecting you to reply.  But that's OK, Todd.  You'll get better when it's right for you.  Anyway, I've brought some readings for you.  I'm going to start with passages from All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and then I'll go on to The Tao of Pooh and The Ballad of the Lesbian Sea-Gull.  I hope some of the wisdom in these words percolates down to you so when you start moving again you'll be a better person on the inside.

(pulls out a book)

OK, let me begin.

VAN DRIESSEN

Holy moly!  That's good, Todd.  Keep going.

VAN DRIESSEN

Excellent work, Todd.  Come on.  I know you've got it in you.

VAN DRIESSEN

(barely able to speak)

Now, this is a little more aggressive than what I had in mind, Todd.

VAN DRIESSEN

OK, fun's over.  I think you should let me go now.

news reader

Meanwhile, our top story for today:  police report that last night two people were killed when twenty-six-year-old Todd Boole escaped from Limber Psychiatric Hospital.  Boole was undergoing treatment for a catatonic trance he had fallen into after attempting to rape Lawndale High School student Daria Morgendorffer almost three years ago.  The dead include David van Driessen, a former teacher of his from Highland High School.  Van Driessen had been making weekly visits to Boole, hoping to help his therapy.  Van Driessen died when he fell five stories after being thrown through a window.  Police have not released the name of the other victim.  People should be on the lookout for Boole.  He is a Caucasian male, about five-foot-nine with a buzzed scalp and an overall scary visage.  He should be considered armed and dangerous.  If you see him, call the police immediately at 976-3845.  Do not try to apprehend him yourself.  There is a reward of one thousand dollars being offered by Van Driessen's family for information leading to the capture or death of Boole.

JANE

Good morning, sunshine.  Have a nice night of binge drinking?

DARIA

(weakly)

Must... have... coffee...

JANE

(getting up and pouring a cup)

That bad, huh?  You look horrible this morning.  Get hit by a truck on the way home?

(hands DARIA the cup)

DARIA

(taking a big gulp)

I wish.  Then I would feel better.

(beat)

I hate this bitter rot-gut.  Give me some sugar, baby.

JANE

(scooting the sugar bowl over)

So the new form of self-destruction is going to be cirrhosis?

DARIA

(dumping sugar into her coffee)
Naah.  No point in adding to my suffering with hangovers.

JANE

Yet you have done so well towards that end.

DARIA

I had food poisoning.  I needed to sterilize my alimentary canal.

JANE

I love it when you talk dirty, Daria.

DARIA

It's not going to happen, Jane.

JANE

Yeah, yeah.  But of all the nights for you to do this...

DARIA

What, did I ruin your dinner party?

JANE

No, the photo shoot, the one where you're supposed to be a subject.  And Zachary here isn't cooperative enough to be a good substitute.

DARIA

You ought to know better than to try to get a cat to do anything.

(beat)

How did you get me to agree to the photo shoot in the first place?

JANE

You might have been smoking pot at the time.  Anyway, I'll have to improvise.  How does "A Portrait of Self-Abuse" sound?

DARIA

Try "The Curse of the Misery Chick".

JANE

Oh, dear.  More nightmares, or are you up to hallucinations?

DARIA

We shouldn't have done it, Jane.

JANE

And this from someone who doesn't have a conscience.  I've got to get over to the studio to set up, so I'll have to put off talking in circles with you till later.  Be over at the studio in about an hour.

DARIA

Maybe that hurricane will hit Middleton before then...

JANE

Not likely, so be there.

DARIA

Yes, mistress.

JANE

That's the spirit.  Try to wear those white clothes I've laid out for you.  Your usual outfits won't look too good in black-and-white.

DARIA

You want me to put on some makeup, too?

JANE

Naah.  If anything, with how skinny you are, I might be able to pass you off as an anorexic.

DARIA

And you know how much I want to get that label.

JANE

Oh, before you get excited over this, the news this morning reported that Todd's broken out of the looney bin.

DARIA

Say what?

JANE

Killed someone named Van Driessen in the escape.  Dropped him out of a window and made him go splat on the pavement.

DARIA

He was a teacher at Highland, a latter-day hippie. You would think with all the air in his head that he'd float.

JANE

Those spiritual types, they tend to get killed in horror movies.  In any case, I need to get off my ass.

(patting DARIA's shoulder)

Don't keep me waiting, honey.  Later.

(exits)

BUTT-HEAD

That sucks.  Find something else, Beavis.

BEAVIS

Sorry.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD

(singing along badly with the music)

Well you don't know what we could find.

Why don't you come with me, little girl,

On a magic carpet ride?

Well you don't know what we could see.

Why don't you tell your dreams to me?

Fantasy will set you free.

Close your eyes girl; look inside, girl.

Let the sound take you away.

BUTT-HEAD

(to the women)

Want to come with me on a magic carpet ride, babes?

BEAVIS

(elbowing BUTT-HEAD)

You moron!  Tanqueray will kill you if you even think of cheating on her.

BUTT-HEAD

(as the car starts moving again)

Jerk.

BEAVIS

(his eyes opening wide)

I have awakened again!

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

Jeez.

VAL

Damn it!  Can't you watch where you're driving?

BEAVIS

How dare you make spurious accusations against the Great Cornholio and his servant?

DARIA

Serves them all right.  If I wasn't so miserable, I'd be laughing.

JANE

Yo.

DARIA

Hey.  I can't believe I'm dressed like this.

JANE

I wanted you wearing something which suggested you were pure and virginal in a fairly blunt way.

DARIA

Yeah, that's me, with the on-and-off relationship with your brother I've had.

JANE

Stepbrother.  It will also show the gradations in shading better than flat black.  Why don't you have a seat on the mattress over there?

DARIA

I'm not really sure I'm up to this.

JANE

(taking DARIA's backpack)

You'll be fine.  Besides, this could be therapeutic for you.

DARIA

(sitting on the mattress)

Yeah, right.

JANE

It will.  Trust me.  OK, smile.

JANE

OK, don't smile then.  Be miserable, but with feeling.  That's it.

(begins snapping pictures)

Beautiful.  Now change positions some.

DARIA

Me sitting here like a bump on a log isn't good enough?

JANE

I need a few nice shots for a grade.  Try leaning back, tossing your hair about, stuff like that.

JANE

I suppose that's a start.

(snaps a few pictures)

How about a pose involving you putting some weight on your limbs?

DARIA

You want me to jump on the mattress?

JANE

No...  You're in desperate need of loosening up.

(takes a bottle of vodka from a table)

Drink this.

DARIA

Is it cyanide?

JANE

It's vodka.  You need to loosen up.

DARIA

(looking wryly at JANE)

I'm not spontaneous enough you?

JANE

If you were spontaneous, we wouldn't be using this mattress for photographs.  Drink it.

DARIA

Satisfied?

JANE

A little more.  You've developed a bit of a tolerance.

JANE

Thank you.

(takes a sip of vodka herself before putting it back on the table)

OK, back to work.  How about you kneel on the mattress?

DARIA

(complying)

Will this make me more lifelike?

JANE

Maybe.

(snaps more pictures)

Great, now with feeling.

(snaps more pictures)

Now lean forwards and put some weight on the palms of your hands.

DARIA

(complying)

If the next thing you want to do is put a dog collar on me--

JANE

No, no.  I'll get Andrea in here if I want to do that.  What if... Why don't you take the jacket off and then resume that position?

DARIA

(removing jacket)

Oh, yes.  Now you can see the highly obscene skin on my arms.

(tosses away jacket, resumes position)

How's this?

JANE

You look like a pile of blocks.  OK, close your eyes.

DARIA

I know what you did the last time I did that.

JANE

Wrong context, Daria.  I want to use a relaxation technique on you.  Close your eyes.

JANE

OK, now I want you take some deep breaths... That's it.  In...  And out...  In...  And out...  OK, now I want you to picture yourself in a location you feel comfortable.  Imagine that you are doing something very relaxing, something that will flush all the pain and worry out of you.  In...  And out...  In...  Doing good, honey.

JANE

Keep it up, sweetie.  Good.  You're looking good.  OK, let's try something different.

(begins fiddling with DARIA's top)

DARIA

What are you doing?

JANE

Tweaking things so I can see your cleavage.

DARIA

I wear a push-up bra, Jane.  My cleavage is artificial.

JANE

You don't give yourself enough credit.  Lean your torso forwards a bit.  There you go.

DARIA

You're trying to make me look cheap; aren't you?

JANE

I'm trying to portray your inner self.  I know there's a powerful youness inside you just waiting to burst out if you give it a chance.

DARIA

Who's this Eunice, and why can't she get a body of her own?

JANE

(coming around to DARIA's side)

Turn your head towards me and tilt it about thirty degrees.

JANE

That's it.

(begins shooting again)

Keep it up.  Show me the tiger inside.  Good.  Show me the fire, with feeling.  Excellent.  OK, drop one of the shoulder straps.

DARIA

(complying with a bit of a smile)

Am I enticing you now?

JANE

Definitely.

(begins shooting again)

There you go.  OK, show me sexy.  Now improvise, Daria.

JANE

Wow, I guess you are feeling better.  You're changing gears pretty fast.

DARIA

I liked my happy thought.

JANE

All right, keep it up.

(begins shooting again)

That's it...  That's it...  OK, that's almost perfect.  Hold still.

JANE

Your hair feels very silky today.

DARIA

It usually is.  Just the conditioner I use.

JANE

That explains that wonderful smell.  What do you do for your skin?

DARIA

It's called "soap".

JANE

(running her hand down DARIA's neck)

But your skin is so wonderfully smooth.

(beat; lowering one strap of DARIA's bra)

We should make this spicier.

DARIA

I can deal with that.

JANE

What's wrong?

DARIA

(gathering her clothes up)

This isn't right...

JANE

It felt pretty right to me.

DARIA

Me, too.  That's the problem.

(beat)

I'm sorry.

(rushes out)

JANE

(sighing, falling flat on her back on the mattress; beat)

Definitely won't become a therapist...

female voice

Daria...  Oh, Daria...

DARIA

(groggily)

Quinn?

voice

Daria...

DARIA

(opens her eyes)

Oh my god!

QUINN

It was you who did this to me.

DARIA

(approaching the mirror)

No.

DARIA

Argh!

QUINN

You ruined my life!

DARIA

It was self-defense.

SANDI

Sure, like even you believe that.

TIFFANY

Was it self-defense all the suffering we had to go through?

SANDI

My parents haven't been able to trust me since.  I've been a virtual prisoner at home.

QUINN

You, of course, know what my parents did, searching my room, stealing half my stuff, not letting me go out on dates.  Who put that idea of a pregnancy test in their heads?

TIFFANY

I couldn't walk in a room without the teachers suddenly stop talking and pretend they didn't.  One even called me a whore to my face.

DARIA

You set yourselves up to suffer.  You have no one to blame but yourselves.

TIFFANY

Oh, yes.  Tell that to my therapist.  Would you like to explain the scars on my wrists to him?

SANDI

How about what happened after my parents searched my room and found my little stash of cocaine?  Was I hurting anyone with it?  No.  But, one thing leads to the next, and I find myself in juvenile hall losing my purity to someone with halotosis.

QUINN

And all those freaks, they chose a new role model...

SANDI

...someone who claimed not to be vain or care about popularity, only into depth...

TIFFANY

...but instead made a big deal of her "natural" beauty, showing off that not-so-ordinary body through those not-so-ordinary clothes...

QUINN

...and becoming the one everyone talked about, the most popular person in school!

SANDI

Hypocritical bitch!

TIFFANY

Careful.  Maybe she's not as intellectual as she thinks she is.

QUINN

And the worst of it was how every piece of low-life suddenly thought they were hot, all on account of you.

TIFFANY

Yes!  "I'm an introverted member of the chess club!  Does that make me a jock now?"

SANDI

"Look at me!  I'm a rotten little loser with no fashion sense, and I'm a virgin!  No one liked me before, but thanks to Daria, I now have the guts to spread chaos by asking you out!"

QUINN

"Hey, check me out, the loudmouthed, stupid-laughing, total freakazoid geek with bad acne!  You must respect my humanity now.  And you must join us in paying homage to our new goddess.  We worship you, Daria!"

QUINN, SANDI, and TIFFANY

(dancing around DARIA)

We worship you!  We worship you!

QUINN

Why didn't you finish the job, Daria?  Sometimes dead is better.

DARIA

No!

DARIA

I can't live like this anymore!

TRENT

I'm sorry, Monique, but I don't think we were ever meant to be together.  You're a great woman, but--

MONIQUE

You're going back to that tramp, Daria; aren't you?

TRENT

Hey!  It's not I don't like you.  It's more of a personality conflict.

MONIQUE

Don't lie to me, Trent!  You think I'm too "perfectionist", that I get caught up in appearances to the point of forgetting substance.  You hate it that I'm always trying to do something, that I'm a morning person, that I actually have some ambition.  No wonder you still call out her name in the middle of the night and are never in the mood!

TRENT

Monique--

MONIQUE

(folding her arms)

I'm not talking to you.

MONIQUE

For a moment there you scared me.  Halloween always does that to me.

QUINN

Really?

JESSE

I'm sorry about tonight, Jane.  This has never happened to me before.

JANE

Don't worry.  It happens to every guy sooner or later.

JESSE

So this never happened with Trent or Evan?

JANE

Um...  Well...  We'll talk about that some other time.  Call me later?

JESSE

Yeah, sure.

JESSE

I got to go, Jane.  I'll be back again tomorrow.  I promise.

JANE

You'd better be, Jesse, or I'll kill you.

JANE

Daria?

JANE

I don't think she's developing pictures in there.

(sprinting through the room)

Daria!

JANE

Damn it, Daria!  What do you think you're doing?

DARIA

(disturbingly calmly)

Go away, Jane.

JANE

Are you kidding?

DARIA

I'm fine, Jane.  It'll all be fine in a little while.

JANE

Hell!  You are not fine!  You have Pop Rocks wrappers all over the place!  It doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out where they went!  You're going to do it this time; aren't you?  You're going to freaking kill yourself!

DARIA

What if I am?

JANE

Look, I know most of your family hates your guts for what you did.  I know my stepbrother hurt you when he left you to go back to that slut Monique, but there are other

(beat)

people out there for you.  Damn it!  Everything bad that's happened to you isn't your fault!  This isn't the end of the world!

DARIA

It is for me.

JANE

Daria--

DARIA

One more step, and I'm going to drink this, and then it'll be one big kaboom.  Got it?

JANE

Daria, this isn't the answer.  Take you hand off the bottle-cap.

DARIA

You're not stopping me!

JANE

Damn it, Daria!  Give me the freaking Coca-Cola!

JANE

(slow motion, screaming)

Nooooo!

JANE

(making eye contact with DARIA)

There, there, honey.  I'm going to be here for you.  We'll get through this.

JANE

You know what an orgasm is called in French?

DARIA

No.

JANE

Le petit morte, the little death.  So, how did it feel to die a little?

DARIA

Better than the Pop Rocks would have felt.  I can't believe I did this.

JANE

Try to remember all the back-story, Daria.  There were hints from the day we met.  You might even argue your interest in my brother was a way of sublimating your interest in me in a socially acceptable manner.

DARIA

You and that psychology course.  Still, you may be right.

JANE

You don't feel ashamed of what we did; do you?

DARIA

Not really.  Given all the things I have to feel guilty about, this is nothing.

JANE

Gee, it was fun for me, too.

DARIA

That's not what I meant, Jane.  I know Helen and Jake would freak out about this if they found out, but it doesn't bother me.  But this isn't exactly how I pictured my life turning out.

JANE

Hitch up with someone, do it like minks, raise some rug-rats, live happily ever after?

DARIA

I'm not so sure about the kids.

JANE

I'm sure we could do the rest without any assistance.

DARIA

I hope you don't think we have to be like girlfriend and girlfriend after this.

JANE

Don't worry, Dar.  I can deal with just a PG-13 relationship.  I'm most interested in what makes you happy, whoever you end up with.  Just please don't scare me like that again.

DARIA

And deprive you of opportunities like this?

JANE

You know you don't have to try to kill yourself to get me in bed.  Besides, you know I'll still respect you in the morning.

DARIA

Jane?

JANE

Yes?

DARIA

Shut up and kiss me.

TRENT

(to himself)

Must be no one home.

TRENT

Good thing she never demanded the key back.

DARIA

Trent!  Wait--

(stepping on roses)

Ow ow ow!  Hold on!

TRENT

(turning; surly)

What?

DARIA

Don't go.  This isn't what it looks like.

TRENT

It looks like you and Janey were making a detailed study of each other's anatomy.

DARIA

OK, it is what it looks like.  But you got to understand, I was so depressed that she just had to hold me, cheer me up--

TRENT

And so you two naturally took your clothes off.  That's just great!  Since when did you become bisexual anyway?

JANE

(stepping over the roses)

What is your problem, Trent?

TRENT

Me?  What have you done to Daria?

JANE

Jeez, Trent!  Do I ask you what you and umpteen women you've been with have done?  Get a life.

TRENT

You know what I mean.  She was not into

(beat)

that before you did whatever you did to her.

JANE

Yes, she was.  You ever see the way her ears turn pink whenever she watches an Audrey Hepburn movie?

DARIA

Jane!

JANE

I'm just pointing out to this sophist stepbrother of mine that it's not like I've reconfigured your neurons or anything like that. There was no brainwashing, just two people who have been under a lot of stress lately giving in to their mutual attraction and achieving some tension release.  That's all.

TRENT

Since when did you like Jane?

DARIA

In case you haven't noticed, I've been very depressed lately.  Our last break-up a month ago didn't help.  That's just brought up all this stuff from my unconscious I didn't realize was there.

JANE

In any case, it's been obvious to pretty much everyone except you, Trent.

TRENT

Is not.

JANE

They had a betting pool at Lawndale High of when this would happen.  I think Andrea's set to collect a substantial sum.  In any case, why do you care?  She's not your freaking girlfriend!

DARIA

Let me guess:  you and Monique broke up, and you want us to get back together.  That's why you brought flowers.

TRENT

Um, they were for Janey.

JANE

Red roses?  That's not a flower you bring just to visit your stepsister, Trent.  That was just an excuse for coming over while you try to get into Daria's pants.

DARIA

Or yours.

TRENT

Do you always have to be so cynical?  Maybe for once you could see I just wanted to remain on good terms with the people I care about.

DARIA

Oh, please!  Where were you the entire time I've been on Zoloft?  When did you bother to speak to me unless your girlfriend of the week hadn't just dumped you?

TRENT

Fine, be that way.  I hope you two are really happy together.

JANE

(sighs)

Men.  Ruled by their hormones.

DARIA

I can't stand people like that.

JANE

(out of view)

Woohoo!

JANE

Daria!  Where have you been?

DARIA

What do you want, Jane?

JANE

You missed class again.  I got notes, but this is getting ridiculous.  You need to start showing up.

DARIA

There are three hundred students in the course and the professor knows maybe two.  I'm doing fine in the class.  What's your problem?

JANE

My problem is that you're taking a psychology course and can't see you're having another fit of depression.  Have you been smoking again?

DARIA

No.

JANE

Try to sweep up the ashes a little better next time you're not smoking.  And I just saw you take a swig of something.  Have you eaten anything lately?

DARIA

Yes.

JANE

You're not doing your makeup right to avoid looking pale.  You've been feeding that thing between the walls again; haven't you?  The last thing you need is to be on another one of those self-destructive binges.  Are you trying to kill yourself for the second time in twenty-four hours?

DARIA

Does it matter?

JANE

Of course it does.  I don't think I could stand Andrea as a roommate.

DARIA

Your concern is touching.  Do you think that because we've had sex that anything has really changed?

JANE

Hey, even if it isn't me, you can still do better than mope about the past.  Can't you just forget about Trent for once?

DARIA

Gee, thanks for reminding me about him.  I'm perfectly over your stepbrother who is completely irresponsible and can't take care of himself.  Oh, Hell, he probably couldn't stand my constant nightmares either.  Must be why he went back to Monique, I just didn't feel like watching over him like a zoo-keeper and couldn't keep from waking him up every two hours.

JANE

And in the time which has passed, you have sprung back to being your cheery self, which must be why you're acting out a death-wish.  You need to move on, put the past behind you, and find someone else.  Don't even think of going back to him, even though he broke up with Monique again.

DARIA

Yeah, like telling me to do that is going to help.

JANE

I told you to date Lurman.  You two get along.

DARIA

He's my first cousin.  Exactly what state do you think I'm from?

JANE

How about the perky, bouncy one?

DARIA

Angie?  No way.

JANE

I meant Brittany.

DARIA

I told you:  I'm not interested in that.

JANE

You need to get over this.  The big Halloween event is tonight.  Mack and Jodie are organizing the annual jerk hunt if you want to come along.

DARIA

Jerk hunt?

JANE

It's a tradition here that they find a deserving person every Halloween and make them suffer.  I think you'll like the intended victim.

DARIA

Is it Trent?

JANE

No, though he deserves it.  The void-hole hasn't paid me back all that money he's borrowed from me.

DARIA

It better be Monique then, that evil slut who destroyed Helpful Corn and ruined my life.

JANE

You're getting warmer.  You need a scary costume, preferably something from a horror movie.  I saw Mack's costume earlier today, and I nearly burst out laughing.

DARIA

I'm not in the mood for making others suffer.  I've done it too much in my life.

JANE

You really must be depressed then.  Well, you're not getting off that easy.  We are going to the party in the Quad even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming.  See you later, lover.

DARIA

Lucky me.

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

Beavis...

(beat)

Beavis, could I have a drink of water, please?

BEAVIS

Why have you disturbed my meditation, ye worm?

BUTT-HEAD

I'm very thirsty, Beavis.  Could I have a glass of water?

BEAVIS

Great are the number of grains in the desert of time compared to the speck of a grain of a life.  How much greater is the infinite to the whims of one.

BUTT-HEAD

Huh?

BEAVIS

I contemplate the Cosmos, and all you think about are the needs of the flesh.  How small, how pathetic you are compared to all around you.

BUTT-HEAD

Jeez, Beavis, you don't need to cop an attitude!

BEAVIS

I am not known by that name any longer!  I am the Great Cornholio!

BUTT-HEAD

The Hell you are.  Get off the drug trip, and get me some water.

BEAVIS

Silence, infidel!

(kicks BUTT-HEAD off the couch, causing him to crash into a glass coffee table and breaking it)

The Great Void demands obedience!  If you do not follow the will of the Great Void, you will die most ignominiously!

BUTT-HEAD

Uh... OK...

BEAVIS

We must now chant the sacred chant of the Great Void!

(chanting)

Voidholio...  Voidholio...

MONIQUE

Hey!  Watch where you're going!

AXL

(sheepishly)

Uh, sorry.

(sneaks off)

EVAN

What's wrong, Andrea?

ANDREA

My back itches, and I can't seem to reach it.

TOM

Here, let me help.

(scratches ANDREA's back with bladed glove)

ANDREA

That feels so much better!  Thank you.

ARTIE

Hey, how's this?

(rubs his head against ANDREA's back)

ANDREA

That feels too weird.

JODIE

Knock it off!  We have work to do!

TIFFANY

(really fake smile)

Hi, guys!  I've got to go--

JODIE

Is Quinn where you said she'd be?

TIFFANY

Well, um--

MACK

Get to the point.  Remember:  if you lie to us, it'll be you facing our wrath.

TIFFANY

(sadly)

Yeah.

JODIE

Excellent.

QUINN

(into phone)

Hello?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Hello.

QUINN

(into phone; after a pause)

Yes?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Who is this?

QUINN

(into phone)

Maybe you have a wrong number.

creepy voice

(through phone)

I'm not sure.  Who am I talking to?

QUINN

(into phone)

Tell me who you are first.

creepy voice

(through phone)

Why?

QUINN

(into phone)

Like, duh!  You called me!

creepy voice

(through phone)

Oops.

QUINN

(into phone; after a pause)

And you are...

creepy voice

(through phone)

It doesn't matter.  I just want to talk to you.

QUINN

(into phone)

If this conversation's not going to go anywhere, I'm hanging up.

creepy voice

(through phone)

Tell me:  since it's Halloween, why aren't you wearing a costume?

QUINN

(into phone)

How would you know that?

creepy voice

(through phone)

Because I'm looking at you right now.

QUINN

(facing the approaching students)

This is not funny!

COREY

This is not a joke!

(points downwards)

On this very spot--

CURTIS

(to COREY)

Uh, Corey, we're not on Ryan Street.

COREY

(pointing to 3:00)

On that very spot, in 1689, Liam Howard, an innocent man, was hung for a murder he didn't commit.  And right before they strung him up, he cursed them that he would return from the dead every Halloween and raze the place to the ground unless a guilty person was punished.

JODIE

(brandishing a hook)

We know what you did in high school.

QUINN

You don't mean--

ANDREA

Let's get the jerk!

mob

Killers are coming!  Killers are coming!  Kill her!  Kill her now!

MACK

Are you scared yet, L. Quinn?

QUINN

What kind of stupid game is this, anyway?

MACK

There are certain rules that have to be followed in playing a Halloween prank.  The first is to choose a worthy victim.

QUINN

I don't have to put up with this.

MACK

The second is to choose a deserved torture.

QUINN

(pulling out her cell phone)

That's it.  I'm calling the police.

MACK

(knocking QUINN's cell phone to the pavement)

The third is to make sure the victim has no escape.

QUINN

(as she hits the garbage inside)

Ow!

JODIE

Good work, people.  Party in the Quad in ten minutes!

QUINN

Ow!

(starts walking away; to herself)

Damn it, Daria!  Why did you have to get me into this stupid mess?

SANDI

Damn it!  Who came up with this stupid tradition of a "jerk hunt"?

JAMIE

It goes back to the 60s.  I think some of the hippies got drunk and decided to take justice into their own hands.

SANDI

That's just what we needed!  I've been harassed for the past three years.  The last thing I need is to be attacked by a bunch of idiots.

TIFFANY

(stopping playing)

Don't worry.  You're not this year's target.  You didn't make it past the third round in the selection committee.

SANDI

How would you know that?

TIFFANY

(shrugs)

So I filled out a few surveys.  Don't worry; I voted for that stupid guy who lives next door.

JEFFY

The guy with the pigeon?

TIFFANY

His idiot roommate.  He's an obnoxious slob.

JEFFY

Ah.

SANDI

Well, if I'm not this year's target, who is?

QUINN

I was.

(takes a drink)

JOEY

Quinn!  Are you OK?

QUINN

(sits down near SANDI)

No, I'm not OK!  I was dropped in a dumpster, damn it!  Do you know what it's like to have to clean garbage out of your hair?

TIFFANY

Ew!

QUINN

They had to do it right after I left the beauty salon.  One good hairdo down the drain.  What else could go wrong today?

SANDI

What's so funny?

HEATHER

The looks on your faces!

EVAN

We had so much fun on the "jerk hunt" we just couldn't resist adding a surprise twist!

TIFFANY

(approaching, menacingly holding her flute)

Go on, you two!  Get out of my apartment!  Now!

HEATHER

What's wrong with her?

EVAN

Sounds like she's got that flute stuck up her--

HEATHER

Evan!

SANDI

That's it!  Jamie, we're out of here!

STEWART

Hold that thought, baby.

(answers cell phone)

Stewart Stevenson here.  Talk to me.

(beat)

How did this happen?

(beat)

Butt-Head!  How could you drive in that condition?

(beat)

Of course, it matters!  You and Beavis were supposed to be here an hour ago!

(beat)

What do you mean "Cornholio is back"?  He's supposed to be on medication!  Let me speak to the Great Void's messenger...

JANE

What do you think, honey?

DARIA

If I give you some catnip, will you go away?

JANE

Daria, you're being so depressed.  You need to release some of that tension.

DARIA

I was in the Bahamas this summer, but that didn't do any good.

JANE

I'm not talking about moping on the beach.  All you did was depress the entire Caribbean.  You can mope anywhere.

DARIA

So, what are you proposing?

JANE

(moving closer)

Maybe you should find a special someone.

DARIA

Excuse me?

JANE

You know, someone who gets that adrenaline pumping and makes your neck flush.  Someone you can release your animal passions on over and over until you can lie back and bask in the warm glow of each other's bodies.

DARIA

(moving closer herself)

Are you writing a romance novel?

JANE

Who said anything about romance?

JANE

What have you been drinking, Jesse?

JESSE

(slurred)

Only a few six-packs of beer.  Where have you been hiding out?

JANE

Trying to cheer up Daria here.

JESSE

Hi, Daria.  Your boobies are hot.

DARIA

(crossing her arms over her chest)

Yeah, whatever.

JANE

You were supposed to be here a while ago.

JESSE

I would have been here, but I'm, you know, trying to find Trent right now, trying to meet with him, see if we can, you know, get back together.

DARIA

I wouldn't have thought that was how you two were inclined.

JESSE

His vocal cords have gotten better, you know, no more nodules, and I was thinking he might be interested in, you know, reforming the band.

DARIA

Somehow I don't think it's going to work.  Andrea is definitely out of the business.

JESSE

Actually, I was thinking, you know, of trying to persuade Nick and Max to leave the Harpies.  They have their soft spots.

JANE

Their heads.  It'd be nice to get back at that bipolar bitch who split up Helpful Corn.

JESSE

First I got to find Trent, you know.  I'll catch you later.

JANE

Go get 'em, tiger.

DARIA

There goes the love of your life.

JANE

He's not the love of my life, Daria.

DARIA

He has the dysfunctional part of a dysfunctional relationship down.

JANE

I hate it when he gets plastered.  He acts so stupid.

DARIA

More than usual?

JANE

Ask me about the badger incident some time when your stomach is empty.

DARIA

And I wondered why you two stayed together.

JANE

The conversation is poor; he isn't very bright.  If it wasn't for the great sex three or four times a day, I would drop him in a moment.

DARIA

I see you have your priorities straightened out.

JANE

Hey, I'm relaxed, I'm happy, and the only thing I have to worry about is what to do about my friend with suicidal tendencies.  As far as I can see, the best thing for her would be to get laid.

DARIA

So why don't you tell her when you see her?

JANE

Daria, you need to flush all that negative energy out.  Find someone you like, and just do it a few dozen times.

DARIA

I'm just not as comfortable as you doing that, Jane.  Your brother's been the only one I've actually done it with.

(beat)

Besides last night.

JANE

Trent's my stepbrother, Daria.  Surely there has to be someone else you like.  How about Kevin?

DARIA

I'm not into that.

JANE

I know:  no sex with stupid people.  How about Monique up there?

DARIA

I'd rather see her dead.

JANE

But think of the possibilities!  It's poetic justice!

DARIA

Two problems with that:  one, I don't have the slightest interest in her, and two, she's probably not interested in me.

JANE

You always have to see the down side.

DARIA

Do you really think I should just give in and do something casual and meaningless?

JANE

(moving closer)

Would you?

JANE

(following)

Daria!

LOLITA

Beavis!  We came as soon as we could.

TANQUERAY

Is he OK?

TANQUERAY

Oh, Butt-Head!  What's happened to you?  When I heard you were hit by a drunk driver, I nearly died!

LOLITA

You look much better than I expected for someone who got in a three-car pile-up.

BUTT-HEAD

(weakly)

I'll be OK, girls.

LOLITA

You bet you will, Butt-Head.  We're going to take such good care of you.  Tanqueray and I brought everything we need to make you nachos.  Won't that be great?

BEAVIS

(approaching)

Be gone, harlots!

TANQUERAY

Pardon me?

BUTT-HEAD

(softly)

Oh, Hell.

BEAVIS

Tanqueray, you are like the mouth of a cave, open to whoever wishes to walk in.

TANQUERAY

You'd better take that back, or I'm going to kick your ass!

BEAVIS

And you, Lolita, you are like carrying an apple across a clear room, horribly easy.

LOLITA

(hurt)

Beavis, drop dead.

BEAVIS

This Beavis, I am not he.  I am the Great Cornholio!  I worship the Great Void!

LOLITA

Not again!

BEAVIS

The Great Void has commanded that you two bring an appeasement to his servant Cornholio!

TANQUERAY

Let me guess:  We serve you grapes and strawberries while wearing skimpy underwear.

BEAVIS

(smacks TANQUERAY's face with the back of his hand)

Be quiet!  One does not make sport of the Great Void!

TANQUERAY

You just signed your own death certificate, Beavis.

SANGUINE

You will die here, Alexander Madison!  We shall take great pleasure drinking your blood!

ALEXANDER

Not so fast!

(pulls out a crucifix)

ALIZARIN

That doesn't work on us, you moron!  We're Scientologists!

ALEXANDER

Oh, bloody Hell!

voice-over

We'll return to Lair of the Lesbian Vampires 2:  The Sucking right after these messages.

EVAN

I can't believe I'm watching this.

HEATHER

Oh, yes, you're so self-disciplined that you've never indulged in a guilty pleasure before.

EVAN

I can think of some other guilty pleasures to indulge in.

HEATHER

That's easy enough.

EVAN

Do you have anything particular in mind?

EVAN

Where are you going, Heather?

HEATHER

Well, I have to go buy some ice cream, silly.

(beat)

Don't worry.  I'll be back in a few minutes.

(kisses EVAN and exits)

JANE

Maybe Lurman's adopted.

DARIA

Well, there are rumors in the family that I have a half-sibling...

JANE

Cliff!

DARIA

I'd rather date a serial killer.

JANE

Stewart!

DARIA

Too absorbed in his work, and he smells funny.

JANE

You're being such a party-pooper, Daria.  Join us!  Join us!

EVAN

Back so soon?  That really feels good, you know.

JANE

Beavis!

DARIA

I will kill you, Jane, and bury you in that awful dress I had to wear when I was a bridesmaid at my cousin Erin's wedding if you even think of suggesting Butt-Head or

(with disgust)

Todd.

JANE

Well, he did escape from the funny farm recently...

(sees a look of severe disapproval on DARIA's face)

There has to be someone around here who's at least marginally compatible with you, even just for meaningless sex.

(beat)

How about me?

DARIA

You have to be kidding.

JANE

Come on, Dar.  I know you've been interested since the first time we've met.

DARIA

Damn ears.

JANE

They're the window to the soul, my friend.

DARIA

You think we should risk our friendship over sex?

JANE

If you can't do your friends, who can you sleep with?

(sees HEATHER passing by, returning from her mission to get ice cream)

Hey, Heather!

HEATHER

Hi, guys.

JANE

I'm trying to break Daria out of her latest bout of depression by fixing her up with someone.  She doesn't seem to want to be with someone who she's already friends with.

DARIA

I didn't say that--

JANE

What do you think, Heather?

HEATHER

Well...

HEATHER

(panicking and dropping a pint of cherry vanilla ice cream)

Evan!

(runs off)

DARIA

What was that all about?

JANE

Probably caught a whiff of Evan's pheromones.

DARIA

You have a dirty mind, Jane.

JANE

Thank you.

(beat)

So there'll be no risking our friendship by having a serious relationship?

DARIA

Exactly.  Can't damage what you don't have.

JANE

Will I be seeing you again tonight?

DARIA

You'd better, or I'll be really cranky in the morning.

SMILEY

(tripping at the threshold)

Damn it!  Is it too hard for them to fix these loose floor boards?

(continues his/her pursuit of HEATHER)

BRITTANY

Oh, Kevvy!

KEVIN

They can't do this to me!

ARTIE

Who do you think you are?  Superman?

KEVIN

I'm the QB, dude!

HEATHER

(curled up into a fetal position)

No!  No!  No!

DARIA

Heather, are you alright?

HEATHER

(sitting up; hysterically)

Someone in a rubber mask just killed Evan!

JANE

What?

DARIA

Calm down, Heather.  Tell us exactly what you saw.

HEATHER

Someone in a rubber smiley-face mask put his hands around Evan's neck and choked him to death in my dorm room!

DARIA

A smiley-face mask?

HEATHER

Yes!  Then he chased me out here with a knife!

JANE

There have to be a dozen people here dressed as serial killers with knives.  Maybe it was a practical joke.

HEATHER

I know what I saw!

BROOKE

Where would anyone get a smiley-face mask?

HEATHER

How the Hell would I know?  Evan's just been killed, and I saw it!

DARIA

Calm down, Heather.  Let's all go check this out.  I'm hoping it's a joke, but there's only one way to find out.

JANE

Wow.  What a horrible mess Smiley left us.

DARIA

Shut up, darling.

BROOKE

I don't see any dead body or killer.

HEATHER

But they were here!

DARIA

It's all probably just a Halloween joke.  We all know Evan is a jock, and so he does tend to go overboard in whatever he does.

HEATHER

(reluctantly)

Yeah.

DARIA

This is all probably just a prank on his part, maybe something he saw in a stupid, cliched, uncreative horror movie, such as I Know What You Did Last Summer.  He ought to be back in the morning.

HEATHER

Well...

BROOKE

Listen:  if you're still feeling scared, you can stay over in my apartment tonight so you don't have to be alone.  Would you like that?

BROOKE

Don't worry, Heather.  There's nothing to be afraid of.

SMILEY

Don't forget to buckle up!

HEATHER

(screaming)

Where are you taking me?

SMILEY

Over the hill and through the woods to the gates of Hell we go!

SMILEY

Didn't they ever tell you never to distract the driver of a moving vehicle?

(forces the knife from HEATHER's hand and maintains a grip on her arm)

You'd better hope it doesn't rain, because I can't turn on the windshield wipers.

operator

(through phone)

Hello?  911.

HEATHER

(into phone)

You've got to help me!  Someone just killed my boyfriend and someone from my American history class and just tried to kill me!

operator

(through phone)

Just stay calm.  Are you in immediate danger?

HEATHER

(into phone)

I think he's unconscious.

operator

(through phone)

OK.  Where are you?

HEATHER

(into phone)

I'm at the corner of--

HEATHER

(dropping the phone)

Oh my god!  He's awake!

(runs for her life)

operator

(through phone)

Hello?  Are you still there?

SMILEY

(sarcastically)

Ow.  That really hurt.

SMILEY

This blood's for you!

ANGIE

Wow!  What a great costume!

SMILEY

Thank you.

SANDI

Come on!  Give it to me!

JAMIE

You got it, baby!

(beat; sigh)

SANDI

That was incredible.

JAMIE

It's always best after the fifth time in a single night.

SANDI

You weren't kidding about that.

JAMIE

Think of all the time we're going to have to enjoy nights like this.  We'll have a flock of kids, we'll travel the world, see all kinds of wonderful sights by day--

SANDI

Feel all kinds of wonderful feelings by night.

JAMIE

It's all laid out before us.  The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

(sighs)

God, I'm thirsty.  I'm going to get something from the kitchen.  You want anything?

SANDI

Oh, no, I'm fine.  Go ahead.  After the last three hours of love-making, I'm getting sticky.  Get a drink while I get a quick shower.  After all, the night is still young.

JAMIE

I like the way you think, Sandi.  I'll be right back.  Don't get dressed.

SANDI

(quietly, to herself)

Mrs. Sandi D. Griffin-White.

(smiles; beat; exits to the side)

voice

Jamie Eustace White.

JAMIE

(starting)

Who's there!

figure

Only you are truly here, Jamie.

JAMIE

What the Hell are you doing in my kitchen?

figure

I'm a figment, Jamie.  I'm a product of your mind. Otherwise how would I know deep, dark secrets, such as you have a stash of dirty magazines under your bed, or that it's only four inches long?

JAMIE

(sounding very unnerved)

I don't know who you are or what you want, but this isn't funny, and if you don't leave immediately, I'll--

figure

Call the police?  I knew you would say that.  But then again, you were always annoyingly predictable.

JAMIE

Now listen here--

figure

No, you see here.

SMILEY

I am part of you, I am inside you, and that is because I am one of your nightmares.  I know your secrets, your fears, your hopes, your wishes and dreams.  And if you don't play along with this little game of mine, you'll die.

JAMIE

And if I do play along?

SMILEY

(beat)

You still die.

SMILEY

(sarcastically)

Oh no.  You've got your blood all over my nice, clean knife.

SANDI

Jamie?

SANDI

Jamie?  Is that you?

SANDI

(taking FLUFFY in her arms)

Oh, Fluffy!  Was that you?  You had me so scared!  For a moment I thought there might be someone--

SANDI

(throwing FLUFFY in SMILEY's face)

Kill, Fluffy!  Kill!

SMILEY

(speaking as he/she walks around)

Sandi Griffin, age twenty.  Recently engaged to Jamie White, who will not be able to fulfill that commitment.  Am I close, Sandi?

SMILEY

And speaking of amusement, how many football players were you intimate with?

(beat)

Welcome to your nightmare, Sandi.  Rest assured that tonight will be the last night of the rest of your life.

SANDI

No!

SMILEY

Fudge!

SMILEY

How's it hanging, Sandi?

SMILEY

(looking over the body, the towel wrapped around it still in its place)

Nice of you to drop in.

JESSE

(surprised, turning around)

What the?

SMILEY

(especially creepy)

Hello, Jesse.

JESSE

What the Hell is this?

SMILEY

Simply here with a score to settle.

(knees JESSE)

JESSE

(collapsing)

What the Hell's your problem?

SMILEY

Where should I start?

SMILEY

Now where was I?  Oh, yes.

(kicks JESSE where the Sun doesn't shine)

Bad things happen.

(kicks JESSE there again)

My life goes down the tubes.

(kicks JESSE yet again)

JESSE

(in agony)

Stop it, please!

SMILEY

Ooh, I'm so moved by your plea.

(kicks JESSE's face, sprawling him out)

Whatever did I do to deserve this?

JESSE

How should I know?

SMILEY

No wonder Bi-Curious Jane likes you, Tiny:  she can't handle a real man.

(kicks JESSE again)

JESSE

You bastard!

SMILEY

Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Silly boy.  You didn't want to do that; did you?

JESSE

Guess again!

JESSE

Die, bastard!  Die!

SMILEY

Don't count on it!

(punches JESSE in the abdomen)

SMILEY

I'm not bad; I'm just having a bad-temper day.

SMILEY

Prepare to die, pretty boy.

TOM

What's the matter, Trent?

TRENT

Jesse's dead!

JANE

(into phone)

Why have you disturbed our slumber?

TRENT

(through phone, sounding really monotone)

Hey, Janey.

JANE

(into phone)

This better be good, Trent.  I was just on the verge of getting to sleep before three in the morning.

TRENT

(through phone)

I think you need to come over here, to the dorm.  Something's happened to Jesse.

JANE

(into phone)

Is he tweaking from inhaling his hair-spray again?  Give him an aspirin and put him to bed.

TRENT

(through phone)

That's not what happened, Janey.

JANE

(into phone)

Is it worth calling me this late?  Is he asking to be tucked in?

TRENT

(beat; through phone)

Something's happened to him.

officer

Where are you going, ma'am?

JANE

I need to get in there.

officer

I'm sorry, ma'am, but this is a crime scene.  You'll have to--

JANE

I said I need to get in there!

DANIELSON

Excuse me...

TRENT

Janey, I...

JANE

What's going on!  Who the Hell killed Jesse!  Who killed him!

TRENT

The police don't know killed Jesse and Taylor, Janey.

DANIELSON

Who's Taylor?

JANE and TRENT

The cat!

DANIELSON

Wait a minute.  Nobody move!  Where's the dead cat?

KEVIN

I, um, stuffed up the toilet?

DANIELSON

Get that moron out of here!

DANIELSON

And someone get that cat out of the toilet!

JANE

(to TRENT)

How could this happen!  I just saw Jesse a few hours ago!  What the Hell is going on!

TRENT

(trying to put a hand on her shoulder)

Janey--

JANE

(backing away, putting up a fist)

Don't touch me!

(runs off)

DARIA

Trent, you don't need to be hostile.  She's not back yet.

DARIA

She just walked in, and she doesn't seem to be taking it well.  I'd better talk to her.

(beat; irritated)

Good-bye, Trent.

(hangs up)

Jane, are you OK?

JANE

No!  Jesse's been murdered!

(starts crying)

How am I supposed to feel when someone I've known so long has been killed?

DARIA

It's alright.  I'll be here for you.

FLEMING

Freeze!  Nobody--what the Hell...?

DARIA

(recovering)

Brian?

DANIELSON

(very confused)

Daria, you never, uh...

JANE

(setting the bat down, grabbing a loose oversized T-shirt)

Great, your idiot cousin's husband from the CIA.

DANIELSON

FBI.

(lowering his weapon, flashing a badge)

Agent Danielson.  Oh, this is Agent Fleming.  Who the heck is this?

DARIA

Jane.  Jane Lane, my

(beat)

roommate.

FLEMING

A very close roommate.

JANE

(now with the T-shirt on)

Don't they teach you idiots to knock before busting a door off its hinges?

DANIELSON

Sorry about this, Daria.  No one answered the door, and we thought,

(beat)

you know, the killer struck again.

DARIA

I've already complained to maintenance about the door chime.

JANE

Aren't you supposed to announce yourselves before entering so the bad guys know the spray the door with bullets?

FLEMING

(looking irritated)

Ms. Lane, sorry to bust in on your fun, we need to ask you some questions about Jesse Moreno.

JANE

Yeah, yeah.  Let's just let Dar here have some privacy.

DANIELSON

I'm really sorry about this, Daria.

(exits)

FLEMING

Where were you last night between eight and nine o'clock, Ms. Lane?

JANE

(taking a glass from the cupboard)

In the Quad at the Halloween party.

FLEMING

Anyone see you there?

JANE

(getting orange juice from the refrigerator and pouring half a glass)

Probably the entire crowd.  Let me guess:  you've got some stupid theory that I'm the killer.

DANIELSON

You don't seem that upset over your boyfriend's death.

JANE

I got most of that out of my system last night in a major sob-fest.  And he wasn't much of a boyfriend, Brian.  It was mostly a sexual relationship, very little meaning.  Most guys are into that sort of stuff; aren't you?

FLEMING

So you ended your relationship with Moreno last night?

JANE

(showing a hint of a grin)

I was planning on doing it sometime, but it looks like someone beat me to it.  It would have been over soon anyway; we really had nothing to talk about.  And, no, I didn't kill him.  I was there the entire time the party went on, and that was from seven to way after midnight.  Jesse showed up briefly but left, and that was the last time I saw him alive.  You can ask anyone who was there, including Daria.  I come home, I try to go to sleep, and suddenly I get this call from my stepbrother Trent that I need to come over there because something's happened to Jesse.

FLEMING

And then what did you do?

JANE

After I walked in on your stupid partner and saw someone had strangled my boyfriend and wrote "PRETTY BOY" on the wall?  I came straight back here and met up with Daria.

DANIELSON

And then you...?

JANE

Did it.

(beat)

Sex, Brian.  Hot, throbbing orgasmic experiences that went on for hours.  Is that enough information?

JANE

Let me ask you something, Brian:  why is the FBI involved in this case?

FLEMING

That's on a need-to-know basis, Ms. Lane.

DARIA

I think we need to know.  Brian, you're in Behavioral Sciences.  They wouldn't have called you in unless there's a--

JANE

Serial killer.

DARIA

You think Jane's a serial killer?

DANIELSON

Daria, do you remember that stunt you pulled in high school with the Sick, Sad World report?

JANE

That would be hard to forget.

DARIA

What does that have to do with this?

JANE

This wouldn't have anything to do with Tommy Sherman; would it?

FLEMING

(beat)

Why do you say that?

JANE

Two days after the broadcast, he was found hung from the goal-post.  He had been gutted, and the word "TOOL" was written on his locker with his own blood.  The killer was never caught.

FLEMING

You seem to remember a lot about it.

DARIA

The school was swarming with cops.  Everyone knew about it.  But what makes you think this is the same killer?

JANE

They went to the same high school, were in the same class, something written on the wall with blood...

FLEMING

And from the people we've talked to, they have some connections in common.  Both were popular, both had dated some of the same women--

JANE

You think I slept with Tommy Sherman?

DANIELSON

He was referring to Brittany Taylor, the head cheerleader--

DARIA

Brittany dated anything that moved, especially if it was stupid.

FLEMING

Actually, we heard the story about you and Sherman, Ms. Lane.

JANE

Tiffany Blum-Deckler made that one up.  She was a rotten troublemaker.  That's still not much of a connection, is it?  Maybe if...

(beat; looks at DARIA)

Damn!

DARIA

Evan and Heather...

FLEMING

Who?

JANE

People we know.  Heather said she saw Evan strangled last night, but when we went to look, there was nothing there.  We thought it was a bad joke.

DARIA

(slamming the phone down)

No one's answering.

JANE

Damn it!

(grabs her jeans from on the couch as DARIA reenters her bedroom)

DANIELSON

Is there something else you want to tell us?

JANE

(putting her jeans on quickly)

The one she said strangled Evan was wearing a smiley-face mask.

DANIELSON

Someone at Lawndale High claimed to see someone in a smiley-face mask the night of Sherman's murder.

JANE

(slipping on her boots)

And for weeks people were saying not to go out at night or Smiley would get you.  Daria!

DARIA

(emerging hastily dressed from the bedroom)

I'm coming; I'm coming.

FLEMING

Where do you two think you are going?

JANE

(slipping her jacket on)

To make sure Evan and Heather are OK.

DARIA

Andrea?

ANDREA

There was blood, dripping down into my room below.  It was running down the walls in streaks.  I came to check on her.  The door was open when I knocked, so I came in, and

(beat)

there they were.

JANE

Andrea, the wall, was there anything on the wall?

DANIELSON

Smiley.

FLEMING

Damn straight.

FLEMING

What were you doing in Trent Lane's and Jesse Moreno's dorm room?

KEVIN

Um, seeing what was going on?  Cops are cool.

FLEMING

Or maybe you were trying to cover up evidence!

KEVIN

Huh?

DANIELSON

(looking over a file)

I don't think he's smart enough to understand words with that many syllables.

FLEMING

Perhaps.  But he might be smart enough to kill a man and a cat!

KEVIN

I didn't kill anyone!

FLEMING

Then why did you try to flush a dead cat?

KEVIN

Well, what else are you supposed to do with dead pets?

(beat)

Can I go now?

FLEMING

Didn't it ever occur to you that even touching the cat might have been interfering with a police investigation?

KEVIN

A what?

DANIELSON

According to his file, Mr. Thompson here has a single-digit IQ and nothing going for him except for the fact that he can play football.

FLEMING

I don't care!  I want a full body-cavity search of this man pronto!

DANIELSON

For what reason?

FLEMING

He just ticked me off.

JANE

What is into you?

DARIA

It's so funny, I can't help it.  They don't have a clue.

TIFFANY

We could all be sliced up and you think it's funny?

DARIA

Think of all the lousy things we've done.  How many people have we hurt?  You think the past is gone?  No, it's still there.  Everything we do remains, and it will come back and get us at some point.  We're being chased, people, chased by the sins of the past.  We're being chased...

QUINN and JOEY

Oh boy.

FLEMING

What is your relationship to Jane Lane?

TIFFANY

(speaking slowly)

No-thing real-ly.

LOOMIS

But you have known her since high school.

TIFFANY

Kind of.

LOOMIS

Is there anything you can tell us about her?

TIFFANY

Heard she was a Me-thod-ist Sa-tan-ist.

DANIELSON

Okay, cut to stupid act, Ms. Blum-Deckler.  We know you have an above-average IQ and maintain a B average.

TIFFANY

(normally)

Sorry, it's something I kind of do when I'm upset.

DANIELSON

You know how annoying that is?

TIFFANY

Well, no one expects anything of you if they think they're stupid.  I've been doing it since I was a kid.  It worked great on the parents, making them leave me alone.  I think they were surprised how well I was doing--

FLEMING

Will you shut up?

TIFFANY

Sorry.

FLEMING

You're even more annoying when you're not playing stupid.  Now, what do you really know about Jane Lane?

TIFFANY

Nothing, really.  Well, I did know her in high school, a little.

LOOMIS

How much time did you spend with her?

TIFFANY

Barely any at all.

DANIELSON

Ms. Blum-Deckler--

TIFFANY

All right, all right, I can't keep it in anymore!  My boyfriend and I, Bob, that was his name, he was called Bob, Bob somebody-or-other, we had broken up.  I mean, he was nice but he was too wierd for his own good, and we like broke up at this dance, and I was all crying, and no one would talk to me because the really popular people hated me for betraying Quinn and Sandi and the unpopular people hated me because they thought I was part of the Fashion Club, so not many people really liked me, so I was crying there and crying and crying, and then Jane came up to me, and we talked and talked and she was making me feel better, so then this song came on that I really liked and we went dancing and we went da da da da all across the floor and it was a lot of fun, and afterwards we got some punch but we didn't know Upchuck spiked the punchbowl so we got really really drunk and we ended up the in the back seat of her car but I swear it only happened seven or eight--more--times--

FLEMING

I didn't need to know that.

DANIELSON

Is there anything else you can tell us about Ms. Lane?

TIFFANY

Uh-uh.  No-thing.

VAL

What were you doing in there, Theresa?

THERESA

Sorry, but the cartridge got jammed again.  Makes it very difficult to operate.

VAL

The damn thing snaps in!  How hard can it be?

THERESA

I didn't design this thing...

VAL

Look, just shut up and start recording.  We have a job to do.  Can you do that?

THERESA

Yes.

VAL

Then do it, or you're going to end up back on junior five where you came from.

THERESA

And, action, your majesty.

VAL

This is Val reporting for Sick, Sad World.  I'm standing here on the campus of Middleton College, the site of a recent spate of murders that has taken--cut!

THERESA

What now?

VAL

Follow me, and when I talk, start rolling.

THERESA

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

VAL

OK, Theresa.  We are here with Daria Morgendorffer, one of the students from Lawndale High School, the same school where three years ago Thomas Sherman was brutally murdered.  And now, not far away, the killings have started again.  How does this make you feel, Daria?

DARIA

What the Hell is this?

VAL

What's it like to be surrounded by so many deaths?

DARIA

Stop recording, Val.

THERESA

(lowering camera)

I knew this was a bad idea.

VAL

(to THERESA)

You're not paid to think!

DARIA

Yeah, let Val come up with all the stupid ideas on her own.

VAL

Daria, can we speak?

DARIA

I suppose I can't stop you.

VAL

That first segment we did with you about the terror of the Fashion Club was one of the highest-rated stories we had ever done until then.  Imagine what bringing you into this story could do for the ratings.

DARIA

And imagine how insulted I felt when, after Tommy Sherman died, you showed up and accused me of being part of a Satanic cult.

VAL

That was just sensationalism.

DARIA

Or libel.  You can choke on your microphone before I'll help you.

VAL

Daria, please consider what I can offer you...

DARIA

Consider this!

(punches VAL in the face, storms off)

THERESA

You were asking for it, Val.

VAL

Theresa, shut up.

FLEMING

You sure you don't want an attorney, Ms. Lane?

JANE

(turning)

I have nothing to hide, Agent Fleming.

LOOMIS

Have a seat, Ms. Lane.

FLEMING

Ms. Lane, would you mind telling us about the series of paintings you did for the Thomas Q. Doyle Gallery while you were in high school?

JANE

Interesting question.  You see, I had always wanted to put my skills at oil painting to use in a series of pictures with the kind of dramatic impact you see in someone like Goya or Chagall.  I was first inspired to do this when I visited--

LOOMIS

This is all very interesting, but we would like to know where you got the content of those paintings.

JANE

It was at this concert--

FLEMING

A concert?

JANE

Really weird alternative stuff.  I think First Degree Felony was the headliner with The Nuzzles opening.  Anyway, they had this mosh pit, which, for you, agent Fleming, is when a group of people stand in a circle and people on the inside are bounced around violently by them.

LOOMIS

That's just stupid.

JANE

So's the Lawrence Welk trash you probably listen to.  Anyway, I was really dizzy afterwards and had to go to the medical tent for some oxygen.  That, and I think the marijuana fumes were a bit much.  And so in the tent I pass out, and I had this dream.  I saw a stupid jock hung from his neck on a goal post, his belly cut open, and his intestines hanging out.  It was awful but vivid and compelling.  The next day I painted it.

LOOMIS

And not long afterwards Thomas Sherman, the quarterback at your high school, was found killed in a similar manner.

JANE

The guy was a self-centered jerk.  Half the school would have loved to do that to him.

LOOMIS

But you foresaw it happen.

FLEMING

Didn't you connect the two events?  If you really had a premonition, I don't see why you didn't do something about it to prevent the next killing.

JANE

By the time Tommy Sherman got killed, I had had other dreams of people who had been killed, many of them people I knew fairly well and recognized.  I sketched them, I painted them, and even though they were gory they drew critical acclaim.  I was disturbed when Tommy Sherman was found in a way a lot like my painting, but since there were no more killings at that time, I figured it was a coincidence.

FLEMING

But some of the other paintings could be snapshots of the more recent killings.  Evan, Heather, Jeffy, Jesse.  They were all in the series.

JANE

I only painted what I dreamed.  I didn't make the dreams up.

LOOMIS

Yet you showed these paintings in public?  They were certain to make you a suspect.

JANE

It would have been really stupid of me to paint pictures of murders I intended to do.  If I wanted to kill people, I wouldn't advertise my plans in a public exhibition.

LOOMIS

Maybe that's what you planned.  You paint pictures of what you plan to do because it gets you off the hook.  The paintings become your alibi.

DANIELSON

I think I should point out that there are documented cases of clairvoyance that go back centuries.  In some cases, such as that of Nostradamus, reliable predictions were made of events that occurred centuries later.  Furthermore, forms of trauma such as Ms. Lane here has described have been known to be precursors to the development of prescient abilities.

JANE

Thank you, Brian, for pointing out a possibility which doesn't involve me being the killer.  Of course, because the paintings were on public display, someone could have seen them and acted them out.  It's not as whiz-bang as the extrasensory perception thing, but it is well within the realm of phenomena accepted to happen by the majority of scientists with intact brains.

FLEMING

Did you kill Thomas Sherman?

JANE

No.  I once made a voodoo doll of him and stuck pins in it, but only Brian here would classify it as attempted murder.  And, no, I did not kill any of the others who have died recently, any people, or, contrary to rumor, any of the neighborhood pets, though I did once run over a dog's tail on a bicycle by accident.

(beat)

Fleming, why are you staring at me like that?

FLEMING

(crossing his legs)

I'm not staring at you.

JANE

Yes, you are, you horny bastard.

FLEMING

Am not.

DANIELSON

Are, too.  You look more at her chest and crotch than her face.

FLEMING

Am not.

JANE

Do, too.  You're just waiting for me to uncross my legs and flash my holy of holies at you.  You're dying to know what it looks like.

FLEMING

Am not.

DANIELSON

Are, too.  I've seen your magazine collection.

FLEMING

Ms. Lane, I don't know anything like that which is not police business.

JANE

You know I'm not wearing any underwear.

DANIELSON

(turning to LOOMIS)

I told you!  Pay up!

DARIA

My God, what's wrong, Andrea?

ANDREA

I just realized I'm going to die!

DARIA

What are you talking about?

ANDREA

There's a slasher killer out there, and I'm the sluttiest, creepiest one of the trio.  Even Jane doesn't do it with guys she's just met on-line.  It's guaranteed I'm going to get killed.

DARIA

Andrea, are you sniffing anything?

ANDREA

Damn it, Daria!  Don't you watch horror movies?

DARIA

No.

ANDREA

Well, I do, and based on everything I've seen, I'm the first one of us to die.  I need a drink.

(heads for refrigerator)

DARIA

You're overreacting.

ANDREA

(taking a bottle from the refrigerator)

Excuse me, but I'm not the virtuous one here, the one who doesn't dress goth or wear much makeup.  You've barely even been with Trent in the past few years.  Probably haven't been with anyone else either.

DARIA

What does that have to do with anything?

ANDREA

(taking a big swig from the bottle)

What do you mean?  Sex is a risk factor in horror movies!  I've been with so many guys that I've nearly filled a spiral notebook with their names.  Damn it, I was with Joey last night!

DARIA

I did not need to know that.

ANDREA

We smoked some pot and had sex three times.  A slasher killer was on the loose, and I'm getting laid!  Damn, he wasn't even that good, and now I'm going to die for having lousy sex!

DARIA

This is not a movie, Andrea.  You are not going to die over having sex.

ANDREA

This guy was wearing a rubber mask, Daria.  He's modeling what he's doing after the movies.  That means all the movie rules apply.  I am going to die!

DARIA

No, you are not.

ANDREA

Yes I--Oh my God!  You've had sex recently!  You're going to die, too!

DARIA

How would you even know--

ANDREA

You have that look, that's what.  It can't be Trent, since he's been bugging me recently, so that means...  Ew!  You did it with Jane!

DARIA

What business of yours is who I sleep with?

ANDREA

It's--It's not something I do, and it freaks me out.  I hate it when Jane talks about how Brittany was; I'd wish she'd have stuck with Jesse.  But now, I really don't know if you're going to survive this.

DARIA

No one is after me, Andrea.

ANDREA

You're wrong about that.  It is almost three years to the day since that segment on the Fashion Club was broadcast on Sick, Sad World.  Killers love to do their business near or on important dates, especially anniversaries.  The Fashion Club could be after you, Daria.

DARIA

Are you saying Sandi killed Jamie, her cat, went to campus to slash up a few people, and then came back and dropped herself on her head?

ANDREA

Possibly, but she's not the only one with a reason.  What about Stacy?  Isn't it convenient that she's the only one of the fearsome four not to go to Middleton?

DARIA

She's at Swedesville Tech, Andrea.

ANDREA

No, she's not.  I called them up, and Stacy isn't there.  Never even registered.  And don't buy that innocent act from her, Daria.  She lost most of her clique when the Fashion Club fell apart.  So many people shunned her that Ted was basically her only friend.

DARIA

And so she goes around killing a bunch of irrelevant people first, alerting me to the fact that there's a knife-wielding maniac on the loose and allowing me to take action, instead of simply killing me and getting done with it.  That's really stupid, Andrea.

ANDREA

It's a horror movie, Daria!  The others are inconvenient people who get in the way, or they're the appetizers to demoralize you before the main course begins.  Or maybe there's a more personal score to settle.  How about Quinn?

DARIA

Quinn has issues, but she'd never do anything like that.

ANDREA

You're dark and gloomy.  Maybe it runs in the family and she just expresses it differently.  What about Mr. DiMartino?  After the broadcast he quit and was never heard from again.  Now he's returned to wipe out all those kids who made his teaching career miserable.

DARIA

Move on, Andrea.  You're really stretching it.

ANDREA

Am I?  How about Todd?  He kills that Van Driessen idiot you told me about and escapes the mental hospital he was locked up in.  Isn't it funny that he's picked this time to do that?  I'm sure Van Driessen's been annoying him for some time.

DARIA

Why would Todd kill any of the victims so far?  He doesn't know most of them.

ANDREA

Because they're connected to you, Daria.  It's the demoralizing thing.  And because he has a grudge against you due to his unrequited love, he's going to come after you sooner or later, that is, if he's the killer.  Whether or not you die is an open matter, though.

DARIA

What do you mean?  I had sex with Jane.

ANDREA

Yes, with Jane.  There aren't many horror movies with lesbians in them.  Usually if they appear at all, they're mentioned in the title in connection with vampires.  Gay men usually die no matter what they do, but there's nothing established about lesbians.  You being the virtuous one could save you, or having sex could kill you.

DARIA

Guess horror movies aren't that cliched at all.

ANDREA

They are, Daria.  The story-lines just haven't dealt with this area very much, so the cliches haven't developed yet.  Be warned:  you may have really doomed yourself by sleeping with Jane.  The one thing I do know is I cannot be alone during all this.  I'm staying with you and Jane, and we need some more people here.

DARIA

Andrea, you're not staying here.

ANDREA

Yes, I am.  When people are alone, they die.  When they're in pairs, one of them usually dies.  I need to be with at least two other people at all times so I can't get killed.

DARIA

This is insane.

ANDREA

If you knew you were going to die, you'd be going insane, too.  My best chance is to stay around a lot of people and hope the killer decides your sexual history is worse than mine.  If I'm lucky, he'll kill you and Jane, which means my chances of surviving will improve significantly.

DARIA

Your concern for my well-being is touching.

ANDREA

You would do the same, and you know it!  You need to take this stuff seriously, Daria.  All the people who've died are connected to you.  All the major suspects are connected to you.  Sooner or later, Smiley will be knocking at your door.

DARIA

Doesn't the one the killer is really after also the one who usually survives?

ANDREA

Damn it!  You think I don't know that?  That's why you're my shield.  If you're fated to survive, then you'd God-damn better protect me!

DARIA

Uh, should you be drinking that?  Drinking is one of those things that gets you killed, right?

ANDREA

It's soda.  I should be safe.

DARIA

But doesn't it have caffeine?

ANDREA

Damn!  I forgot about caffeine!  It's a drug!  I'm going to die from Mr. Pibb!

DARIA

No, you're not.  Be reasonable, Andrea.  Next you're going to tell me that eating chocolate is a death-wish.

ANDREA

I had a candy bar this morning.  Chocolate is psychotropic!  What have I done.

(puts down vodka)

Come on; I need you.

DARIA

What now?

ANDREA

You need to come with me.  I have to use the bathroom.

FLEMING

Don't play innocent with me, Ms. Flynn!  Your record indicates you have been arrested no less than twenty-eight times on assault and battery and destruction of property, many of those times against the people that died!

ANDREA

Hey!  That was justified, each and every time!

FLEMING

You've beaten up members of the "Fashion Club" eight times!  You broke the leg of Evan Menten.  You set Brooke Benford's book-bag on fire.  You got into a fist-fight with Heather Lockheed--twice.  You tripped up Jamie White, and you punched Jesse Moreno in the stomach.  The only one of the deceased who you didn't hurt previously was Sandi D. Griffin's cat.

DANIELSON

(looking at a file)

Actually, according to this, she did "drop-kick the cat" on one occasion.

ANDREA

The Fashion Club ruined my life!  Evan was a conceited jerk who couldn't shut up about what a great track star he was.  Brooke was a thief who put her grubby hands in my locker.  Heather was a goof-ball who didn't know when to stop playing her dumb jokes.  Jamie kept bugging me with that idiotic "Methodist Satanist" jibe.  Jesse was an idiot.  And that stupid cat scratched me with its claws!

FLEMING

And why shouldn't we think you took the next step?  You are known for violent outbursts and to carry a dagger.

ANDREA

You idiot!  People in this country hate Satanists, real or alleged, especially when alleged to have committed human sacrifices.  If I didn't have an aura of being dangerous, I would have died years ago.

(beat)

And why would I kill anyone?

(starts crying)

None of them deserved to die.  Especially Jesse.  He may have been an idiot, but he was a sweet idiot.  Why would anyone do such a thing to him?

DANIELSON

Uh, there, there.

(takes FLEMING aside)

Somehow it's seeming less likely that she's the serial killer.

FLEMING

For once I agree with you.

MACK

So is Jane going to be OK?

DARIA

I guess, Mack, assuming she isn't driven over the edge by Andrea.  Like I said, their relationship was mostly physical.  What's even creepier is the other murders that happened.  I mean:  who would want to kill Heather?

MACK

I wish I knew.  Maybe someone who hates goofy people.

DARIA

Jesse wasn't goofy.  He just stood there, looked good, and said monosyllables occasionally.  This whole thing is just creepy.

MACK

Tell me about it.  I've been walking around all day feeling like I'm being watched.

DARIA

I know the feeling.  Though the more freaked out you are, the more likely you are to just be paranoid and no one actually being there.  The higher, the fewer.

MACK

In any case, I got to go.

DARIA

Another class?

MACK

Doctor Prescott is enlisting my help on a project.  He wants to work up a profile of the killer.  Jodie's in on it, too.

DARIA

You wacky psychology majors.  Say hi to her for me.

MACK

Sure thing.  See you.

(makes funny hand sign)

I salute you with the sign of our secret order of evil serial killers.

DARIA

Cute, Mack.  Real cute.

TRENT

I am so sorry about this.

DARIA

(taking her books)

I got it; I'm fine.

DARIA

What are you doing on this part of campus, Trent?  You don't come near the science building.

TRENT

Um, coming to see you, to apologize.

DARIA

That's a first.

TRENT

I'm sorry how I reacted earlier in front of you and Jane.  What you do is your own business.

DARIA

I'm glad you got that through your head.

TRENT

Do you want to get a cup of coffee?

TRENT

I would hate to get woken up like that.

DARIA

I can't believe Jane was that shameless.

TRENT

I can.  Social conventions aren't relevant to her.  That's what makes her a good artist.  You think they're going to catch this guy?

DARIA

I don't know.  So many people in just one night...

TRENT

One person in one night would be too much.  This is like something out of a horror movie, the kind with someone in a ski mask cutting up virgins.

DARIA

(into phone)

Higher Grounds Coffee Bar.

voice

(through phone)

Hello.

DARIA

(into phone)

Is there something I can do for you?

voice

(through phone)

What are your hours for today?

DARIA

(into phone)

Uh, look, I'm not really an employee there.  The attendant here has wandered off, maybe he's trapped under a bag of coffee beans or something, so I really can't help you with that.

voice

(through phone)

Then maybe you could tell me something else.

DARIA

(into phone)

Such as?

voice

(through phone)

What kind of underwear do you have on?

DARIA

(into phone)

Excuse me?

voice

(through phone)

Someone who wears something as sensible as boots has to have a wild side.  What is it, red silk edged with lace?

DARIA

(into phone)

Wait a minute; how do you know what I'm wearing?

voice

(through phone)

Because I'm watching you right now.

DARIA

(into phone)

I don't know where you are, but this is really sick.  Good-bye--

voice

(through phone)

You hang up, and I'll kill you right there, bitch!  You and your boyfriend!

TRENT

What's going on with that guy?

DARIA

Tough talk for someone who doesn't show his face.

voice

(through phone)

As you wish.

TRENT

(pointing back the way he came)

There's a guy with a knife in there!

FLEMING

(shaking his head)

And all I wanted was a cup of joe.

DANIELSON

(drawing his weapon)

Come on!

TRENT

Was that the bogeyman?  That was the scariest thing I've been through since taking that last math test.

DANIELSON

No trace of a killer in there.

FLEMING

But there is the body of a kid who was paid slave wages slashed up and shoved in the employee bathroom.

DANIELSON

So much for job security.

TIFFANY

(out of view)

You can't do this to her!  Hasn't she suffered enough?

orderly

Look, you little half-witted, stuck-up little twerp with the brain-power of an amoeba!  I don't know what they do in whatever decadent neighborhood where you have so much money that you use it as toilet paper, but here we do not waste food in such a gratuitous manner!

TIFFANY

Listen here, you blue-collar floor-mopper, or whatever, my friend here was seriously hurt and would have died had I not stopped by her boyfriend's cabin this morning and found her.  The least you can do is get her a meal that isn't made of recycled cardboard!

orderly

Screw you!

TIFFANY

Go screw yourself over!

SANDI

(to TIFFANY)

It was OK, Tiffany, dear.  I like Jell-O.

TIFFANY

You're a human being, not an animal.  It's bad enough you have to wear these gowns; they almost make you look fat.

JOEY

Hi, Sandi.

SANDI

Joey!

JOEY

I came as soon as I heard.  Someone told me you were attacked and had your neck broken.

SANDI

I'm OK.  It's not as bad as they thought it was.

JOEY

But you got dropped on your head!

SANDI

The doctors say I have a very solid cranium, whatever that means.

TIFFANY

She's lucky to be alive, Joseph.  I'm lucky to be alive.

JOEY

What happened to you, Tiffany?

TIFFANY

Nothing yet.  It's what's going to happen.  Haven't you heard about the Smiley Face Killer yet?

JOEY

Who?

TIFFANY

The knife-wielding maniac!

SANDI

Oh, God!  This creepy guy in a costume with a smiley-face mask.  He was the one who killed Jamie and my Fluffy!

TIFFANY

And the same night people are saying they saw someone dressed like that in the Quad.

SANDI

That bastard's going to pay dearly for his crimes...

JOEY

So you think you're being stalked?

TIFFANY

Don't you remember back in high school?  That night Tommy Sherman was getting some extra practice on the football field and some psycho gutted and killed him?  Do you remember the guy you saw?  The one you and your buddies chased before he suddenly vanished?

JOEY

No way!  That guy in the mask?

SANDI

Duh!  Don't you get it?  Someone is after us.  Someone is after the popular people!

TIFFANY

But who would do such a thing?

SANDI

Do you really want to know?

TIFFANY

Astonish me, djinn!  Show me wonders!

JOEY

I'm Joey, not Jim!

QUINN

(entering the room)

Hello!

orderly

(singing very badly)

I hate those bitches... I want them to die horribly after I bang them hard up their--

SMILEY

(out of view)

Mmmm!  Canned peaches!

JOEY

OK, how about Monique?

TIFFANY

(doubtful)

Do you really think she would do it?

JOEY

Why not?  She dresses in leather, she talks about chopping people up, she carries a dagger, and once I saw her blow up a teddy bear.  Definitely was a good idea abandoning her in the middle of nowhere when she quit the Fashion Club.

SANDI

(smugly)

Thanks.  But if there was anyone at that school who was a closet slasher killer, it was DiMartino.  He hated us all, he yelled at us, never said a nice thing in front of us and was calling us four-letter words behind our backs.  I could swear, every time he yelled a word at us, one of his eyes was bulging out.  I thought it would explode sometimes.

QUINN

My money is on Principal Li.  I mean, think of it:  she's even more ruthless than DiMartino, she was trying to keep us under surveillance and take away our God-given rights to look good and dress in the latest style, and she was probably making illegal use of the funds in the school.  Maybe she's just snapped and is out to kill people who look much better than her in capri pants.  Hasn't she been locked up somewhere?

TIFFANY

Hey, how about that bisexual chick, the one who, like, likes to paint and stuff?

JOEY

I would have really liked to--uh, I mean, what about her?

SANDI

Hello!  She's really creepy, but she's also creative.  Maybe this whole thing is like a plot she cooked up for her own amusement.  Haven't you seen Basic Instinct?

QUINN

Uh, Sandi, this is real life, not a movie.  Do you think Hollywood would have a clue as to what real killers do?

SANDI

No, but whoever this killer is, he knows a lot about us.  Whoever he is, he's not killing the innocent.

JOEY

You can't tell me that Evan and Heather deserved what happened to them!

SANDI

Like, duh!  None of us thinks they deserved death, but they'd been going at it like bunnies since their senior year.

QUINN

And I suppose you and Jamie--

SANDI

That's none of your business, Quinn!

TIFFANY

Well, what about Fluffy?

SANDI

Do you have any idea how many kittens he sired?  I had to have him neutered to keep the neighbors from suing me.

TIFFANY

Ew!

JEFFY

Guys!  It's getting worse!

SANDI

What?  Have you been thinking about going back to that goth chick?

JEFFY

Well, actually--that's not relevant!  They just found Brooke!

QUINN

What?  Have she and Tom been holed up somewhere trying another marathon session?

JEFFY

It's worse than that!  They found her body in her car--at the bottom of the river!

TIFFANY

Ew!

SANDI

We can't just wait around for someone to knock us off!  We have to do something!

TIFFANY

We're talking about someone who kills off people who have lots of sex!  That would mean out of all the people in this room...

(tries to bolt, but QUINN grabs hold of her and slaps her)

QUINN

Grab hold of yourself, Tiffany!

SANDI

Quinn's right.  We can't panic now!  We have to stand our ground!  We're going to have to find the killer first and get rid of him before he kills us.

QUINN

Are you saying we should go into a house at night and have sex on purpose to lure a maniac?

JOEY

I volunteer!

JOEY

What?

QUINN

Don't be silly!  Not even Kevin and Brittany would be stupid enough to have sex for that reason.

(beat)

What happened to Tiffany?

JANE

I can't believe you talked me into something for once!  With a police escort, nonetheless!

DARIA

So sue me for having sympathy for Sandi.

JANE

Your name is Sue.

DARIA

Look on the bright side:  we managed to ditch Andrea about three blocks back.

officer

(under his breath)

Why do I always get the weirdoes?

DARIA

Did I just see...

JANE

Yes!

officer

Damn!

(runs after DARIA and JANE)

SANDI

That plan is just as stupid, Joey.

JOEY

It is not.

QUINN

And how would the killer know we're naked and in the shower?  He'd have to be in the house waiting to know it's time to strike.

JOEY

If he knows when you're having sex--

JANE

This isn't exactly how I wanted to get you flat on your back, Daria.

JANE

(bends down and peels off SMILEY's mask, revealing KEVIN)

Hey, look!  It's the Dim Reaper!

QUINN

Daria?  What are you doing here?

DARIA

My conscience, for some reason, demands that I go see how Sandi is doing.  I have a soft spot for anyone who has been dropped.

QUINN

That's sweet of you.  I've always admired your sense of kindness.

DARIA

Since when?

QUINN

Look:  I know we haven't always been close--

DARIA

Usually it's a few meters between us, at least.

QUINN

Daria, I'm trying to be serious here.  Despite everything that's happened between us, I've always felt we've had some sort of deep, spiritual connection.

DARIA

OK...

QUINN

(taking DARIA's hand, looking into her eyes)

Maybe we should take this bad situation as an opportunity, to use the adversity to make us bond more closely.

(moves closer)

I'm certainly up for that if you are.

DARIA

Quinn, what the Hell are you talking about?

QUINN

Damn it, Daria!  You can be so frustrating to be around sometimes!

JANE

What was that about?

DARIA

You're not going to believe this, but I think Quinn just came onto me.

JANE

Ew!  She's your first cousin!

DARIA

Hey, you're the one who slept with her own brother.

JANE

Stepbrother.  We are not the cat people.

FLEMING

I was called down here for this?

TIFFANY

But he's the bastard that tried to kill Sandi!

BRITTANY

Oh, Kevvy!

(runs over to Kevin)

Are you alright?

DANIELSON

He's not the bastard who tried to kill Sandi.  Brittany Taylor was with him at the time of most of the murders.

TIFFANY

But--

FLEMING

Damn it!  The man's a moron!  It's all over his criminal record!  He doesn't have the brain-power to kill people!

DR. PHILLIPS

What are all you people doing in here?

TIFFANY

(points to KEVIN)

This man tried to kill--

DR. PHILLIPS

I don't care what he allegedly did.  That man has a serious concussion.  He could suffer brain damage.

DANIELSON

Not that anyone would notice.

FLEMING

(to DANIELSON)

For once we agree.

DR. PHILLIPS

Shut up!  He needs rest, so I want all of you to get out of here unless there's some real emergency which somehow requires you to be here.

FLEMING

Fine by us.

TIFFANY

But--

DR. PHILLIPS

Now!

DR. PHILLIPS

(to BRITTANY)

You, too.

BRITTANY

But I'm his girlfriend!  He needs me!

DR. PHILLIPS

Please.

KEVIN

(weakly)

It's OK, babe.

BRITTANY

Alright, but I'll be nearby if there's anything you need.

QUINN

Hello, Kevin.

KEVIN

Hi, Quinn.

QUINN

(approaches)

There's always been something about you that's excited me.

KEVIN

Huh?

QUINN

Don't tell me you haven't ever felt it, too.  You're a big, strong man.  I'm a beautiful woman.  Ever wonder what would it would be like if we let happen what comes naturally?

KEVIN

Er...

QUINN

(puts a finger to her lips)

No more words.

(slips into bed with KEVIN)

BRITTANY

(on the verge of tears)

I can't believe this happened to my Kevvy!  It was just a harmless joke.

MACK

I can't believe I'm going to visit him after he pulled a stupid stunt like this.

JODIE

I can't believe I'm going with you to see him after he pulled a stupid stunt like this.  Why do you hang around him, again?

MACK

Pity, I think.  I'm afraid he'd do something even more moronic if I didn't keep an eye on him and end up six feet under.

BRITTANY

Thanks!  You two are great friends!

QUINN

Smiley!

JODIE

Whoever did this to him, he's gone now.

MACK

(checking KEVIN's pulse)

And he's definitely gone.

BRITTANY

Oh my god!  He killed Kevvy!

JODIE

You bastard!

FLEMING

Let me get this straight, Ms. Morgendorffer.

QUINN

That's Michaelis.

FLEMING

Whatever.  You snuck into a room containing one Kevin Bruno Thompson.

QUINN

Yes.

FLEMING

And you proceeded to commit a sexual act with said Mr. Thompson.

QUINN

(wincing)

Yes.

FLEMING

Why?

QUINN

I'm weak!  I was ravenous before the Sick, Sad World incident!  I haven't gotten anywhere as much action after I got out of high school!  All I'd done it with this month was just Joey, who was broken up with Andrea for about twelve hours.  And, oh yes, Jamie, who was fighting with Sandi.  So it was just Jamie and Joey.  And Jeffy; Tiffany was out of town, and he was feeling lonely and asked me if I wanted to do something with him on a Saturday night, and we were watching Scream, and David Arquette really turned me on--he's just, like, so cute--and the next thing I know we were sucking each other's tonsils out, and--

QUINN

OK, so it was just Jamie, and Joey, and Jeffy.

(beat)

And Chris and Sam.  And some guy I met in the bar over margaritas, but I didn't catch his name, though he did have squarish teeth.  I think.  And there was Kevin, who couldn't remember the week before, who was horny, and who wasn't going anywhere.  And there I was, starved for company.  How could I resist the temptation?

FLEMING

I can barely believe that.

DANIELSON

That's pathetic, but believable.

(beat)

Please, go on.

QUINN

And then, after we had our blissful moment, Smiley burst in and stabbed Kevin, and he stuffed a butterfly down his throat, and he shoved him in the bathroom.  Then he jumped through the window.

FLEMING

And you did what through all this?

QUINN

I tried to stop him, but he threw me against the wall.  How do you think I got this bruise on my face?

FLEMING

So after this you went screaming half-naked into the hall?

QUINN

Uh, yes.  Should I have done something else?

DANIELSON

No.  You did fine.

FLEMING

Do you really think she's telling the truth?

DANIELSON

Not sure about that, but the evidence does corroborate her story.  There aren't any prints on the knife.  And the Smiley costume was found outside.

FLEMING

Yeah.  But I have a bad feeling about her.

DANIELSON

You had a bad feeling about Lane, too.

(beat)

Come to think of it, you had a bad feeling about Daria, too.

FLEMING

Fine.

FLEMING

Alright, we're releasing you.  But stay in the area; you're still a suspect.

DANIELSON

(handing QUINN a card)

This has my number on it.  Call me if you remember anything.  Or if you need me for any reason.

ANDREA

... and then the killer turned on the garage door, and she couldn't get through the pet door because her breasts were too large, and so she was stuck and got pulled up with the garage door, and she got killed when it went all the way up and broke her neck.  But the more virtuous friend survived to the end of the movie.

DARIA

That wouldn't work, Andrea.  If she couldn't get both shoulders through the pet door, then she should have fallen out when the garage door went up.  The only thing she should have broken was her tail-bone when she fell on her ass.

JANE

True, but I enjoyed the movie though.

DARIA

Just another excuse to throw out cliches.  In this case, though, because it could be construed as a parody, the writer was praised even though all he did was recycle everything that had been done before him.  Is that really creative?

ANDREA

Daria, that doesn't matter!  This is a truly postmodernist psychopath!

JANE

I don't get that term "postmodern".  If "modern" refers to contemporary things, then how could something be "postmodern"?

ANDREA

You're missing the gravity of this situation, Jane.  You remember that movie with Alicia Witt?

JANE

Oh, yes.  The one with the killer basing all the murders on urban legends.  Really stupid, totally implausible, could have been better.  The murders could have been much better, more blood, guts, and gore.

DARIA

She was very glad I got her Re-Animator for her birthday.

JANE

But just because the slutty goth girl who was always sleeping with strange men in the room when the person who inadvertently started the trouble never survives does not mean you are doomed to die.

ANDREA

Then tell the killer that.  The last thing I want is to be found sprawled across the bathroom floor in a pool of blood with my head missing.

DARIA

(standing)

OK, I've had enough.  I'm calling it an early night.  Ready for bed, Jane?

JANE

(standing, smirking)

Sure.  Good night, Andrea.

ANDREA

You're leaving the room?

DARIA

Yes.  We sleep in beds.  You can take the couch out here.

ANDREA

You can't do this to me!  I'll get killed!  Being alone in a room is an invitation to death!

JANE

Andrea, you know we would ordinarily let you in the bedroom with us, but, you know, we're not into threesomes.  And you won't be alone; Zachary will keep you company.

DARIA

Actually, you can take Jane's bed tonight.  She won't be needing it.  Good night.

ANDREA

(into phone)

Jodie?

(beat)

It's Andrea.

DARIA

(out of view)

Fly with me, lesbian sea-gull!

ANDREA

(into phone)

Never mind that!  This is an emergency.

(beat)

Who's with you?

(beat)

Great!  Bring them over to Daria and Jane's apartment as soon as you can...

PIGEON MAN

(singing)

... 'Cause you're a big, black, furry creature from Mars,

A big, black, furry creature from Mars,

A big, black, furry--

(beat)

What's that smell?

STUPID DUDE

(sniffs)

Chicken.

PIGEON MAN

Oh my god!  Who killed my pet pigeon Hitchcock?

STUPID DUDE

Uh, man, that's not Hitchcock.

PIGEON MAN

What do you mean that's not Hitchcock?  Do you really think I keep a few spares in the closet?

STUPID DUDE

Uh, no.  It's just that--

(beat)

You remember Jaws, my Burmese python?

PIGEON MAN

Yeah?

STUPID DUDE

I left Jaws out one day, figuring she could use the exercise.  When I got home, I found out she'd eaten Hitchcock.  I rushed out to the store and bought a new pigeon as fast as I could.

PIGEON MAN

(crying)

My pigeon!  My pigeon!  You killed my pigeon!

STUPID DUDE

I'm sorry, man, but that was a month ago.  I certainly didn't kill this bird.

PIGEON MAN

Then who did?

SMILEY

I did.

STUPID DUDE

Fear not, dude!  I'll save you!

SMILEY

And now that I've killed your pigeon and stupid friend, I'm going to kill you and your girlfriend Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

PIGEON MAN

What are you talking about?  You moron, Tiffany's not my girlfriend.

SMILEY

Then what are you doing in her apartment?

PIGEON MAN

This my apartment!  Tiffany lives next door.

SMILEY

Oops.

(beat)

Please accept my deepest, most sincere apologies on the death of your pet bird and your roommate.

PIGEON MAN

You killed my pigeon and my roommate, and you expect to get off with just an apology?  You're a murderer!  I can't forgive something like this!

SMILEY

But--

PIGEON MAN

You horrible, horrible man!  I can see how you could take the life of an idiot like my roommate, but how could you take the life of a sweet, innocent pigeon, whose reason-to-be was to bring some pleasure to those around her?  Have you no idea what this pigeon meant not only to me, but to the people of this neighborhood?  She gave people an appreciation of the virtues of avian life-forms.  She helped lower everyone's blood pressure on her twice-weekly trips to the hospital and the nursing home.  Little kids would take the trouble to behave themselves just to pet her!  And all you can do is merely--

SMILEY

What the Hell.

MACK

You brought us here for what?

ANDREA

Safety in numbers.

MACK

Do you really think Smiley is out to get you?

ANDREA

Yes!  And two of you three, too!

BRITTANY

What?

ANDREA

Think about it:  who dies in horror movies?  The trashy tramp--that's me--the black guy--that's you, Mack--and the big-breasted, blond bimbo--that's you, Brittany.  The only one here who has any real chance of survival is you, Jodie.

JODIE

You need serious help, Andrea.

ANDREA

That's why all of you are here!  As long as we all stick together, Smiley can't hurt us.  No one ever dies in a group in a horror movie.

MACK

This is not a horror movie.

ANDREA

But Smiley's working according to the rules of horror movies.

MACK

If that's so--

JANE

Could you keep it down out here?  Daria and I are trying to sleep in here.

DARIA

(out of view)

You call this sleeping?

MACK

No problem.  I'm out of here.

JODIE

Me, too.  Come on, Brittany.

ANDREA

But...

ANDREA

Damn!

(to JANE)

Please don't leave me alone again!

JANE

Hmm...

ANDREA

Damn!  Damn!  Damn!

BRITTANY

Andrea, I'm worried.

ANDREA

Who isn't?

BRITTANY

I think something

(beat)

supernatural may be going on.

ANDREA

How so?

BRITTANY

Smiley seems almost superhuman.  What if he's really Tommy Sherman's ghost, come back to haunt us until his killer is brought to justice?

ANDREA

You're kidding.

BRITTANY

I'm serious.  I've talked to Monique.  She's a witch.  She can make Tommy Sherman's spirit go away if we can get enough people together.

BRITTANY

I figure you'd be able to help, being a Methodist Satanist and all.

ANDREA

Don't worry, Brittany.  There's no way I'll leave you to face that ghost alone...

SMILEY

(falling off the bicycle)

Argh!

JEFFY

Did you hear something?

TIFFANY

Who cares, Jeffy?

JEFFY

You're right.  Come on.

JEFFY

That was great.

TIFFANY

(seen sitting up from the back, drawing a pink slip over herself)

I just wish we didn't have to be running for our lives for it to be this good.

JEFFY

(rolling onto his side)

We're safe enough here.  There's no chance Smiley will find us out here.

SMILEY

Don't you know unprotected sex can be deadly?

SMILEY

(gleefully)

Oh, goodie!

SMILEY

(under his/her breath)

Run in a straight line, you idiot!  You're making this too easy.

SMILEY

(holding a spark plug up to the window)

Excuse me, but don't you need this to start the jeep?

TIFFANY

(pulling a piece of the pine cone out of her foot)

Damn it!  Couldn't I be chased by a psycho killer when I'm wearing shoes?

TIFFANY

Let me go!  Please!  I won't tell anyone!

SMILEY

I'll make sure of that!

TIFFANY

But why me?  What have I done to you?

SMILEY

I think you know, Blum-Deckler.  It wasn't enough for you to be popular.  You had toy with others, pit them against each other so no one would notice how much you outclassed them in being petty and stupid.  Who do you think you hurt the most for the sake of your fun?

TIFFANY

I don't know!

SMILEY

You do; I think you do.  What's my name?

TIFFANY

What?

SMILEY

(holding a knife to her throat)

Say my name, bitch!

TIFFANY

I don't know!  Moon Child!

SMILEY

Wrong answer, back-stabber!  It's time to play the dying game!

TIFFANY

No!

(punches SMILEY in the stomach)

SMILEY

(dragging TIFFANY out of the bush)

Don't hide.  I want to play a game with you.

TIFFANY

A game?

SMILEY

(pulling TIFFANY's flute out)

Remember this?  I want you to show me how you stole Skyler Feldman from L. Quinn Michaelis.

TIFFANY

But I never played flute for him!  He's into polka music!

SMILEY

That's not what I meant.

(shoves the flute in her face)

Do it!

TIFFANY

What?

SMILEY

Suck it, bitch!

MONIQUE

This is it.  We'd better set up.

MONIQUE

Ah-dey doo-ey dahm-bah-lah.  Give me the power I beg of you!

all

Hail to the watchtowers.

MONIQUE

Hail to the watchtower of the east, witness of the beginning day.  I invoke thee in the name of the element of earth.

QUINN

Hail to the watchtower of the south, witness of the blowing winds.  I invoke thee in the name of the element of air.

ANDREA

Hail to the watchtower of the west, witness to the beginning night.  I invoke thee in the name of the element of water.

BRITTANY

Hail to the watchtower of the north, witness to the guiding stars.  I invoke thee in the name of the element of fire.

MONIQUE

We take into ourselves the power to exorcize Tommy Sherman of Lawndale High, he who has risen amongst us.  We cast thee back to the other realm from which thou came.  Get thee back in thy grave.

(produces a Voodoo doll and does to it what she says)

We tear your head off, tear you to shreds, stomp on your remains, and scatter them to the four winds.  The power of our cries compels thee.

all

The power of our cries compels thee.

MONIQUE

Ah-dey doo-ey dahm-bah-lah!  Ah-dey doo-ey dahm-bah-lah!  Ah-dey doo-ey dahm-bah-lah!  Kla-too ba-ra-ta nik-to!

QUINN

Kla-too ba-ra-ta nik-to!

ANDREA

Kla-too ba-ra-ta nik-to!

BRITTANY

Kla-too ba-ra-ta necktie!

MONIQUE

"Necktie"!?!  The word is "nik-to", not "necktie", you inflatable bimbo!

BRITTANY

Well, it was almost right!

MONIQUE

You ruined the spell, Britt.  The exorcism has failed.  Now we can't get him back in his grave.  It's just one little word and you can't get it right.  Great job, silicone queen.

BRITTANY

These are real; damn it!  Wuaaaaaah!

(runs off crying)

QUINN

Well, that's it for me, then.  I'd better turn in.

ANDREA

What!  You can't leave!

QUINN

I don't like graveyards.  I might be a bit creepy, but I have limits.

MONIQUE

I'm going, too.  I think I'll go home and read that copy of Buckland's again.

ANDREA

Hey!  We can't split up!

MONIQUE

Why not?

ANDREA

I told you:  we split up, and Smiley will come!  You always die when you're alone, and you stand a good chance of dying when someone else is around.  It's only when you have three or more together that the odds get really good.

QUINN

I agreed to one magical ceremony in a graveyard because I could get a paper out of it for my comparative religion class.  Baby-sitting you was not part of the deal.

MONIQUE

I consider you a friend, Andrea, but I'm not up to pandering to the paranoid delusions you've cooked up by watching too much hackneyed fiction.  And I don't think that outfit was really appropriate for this ceremony.  I mean:  plastic, what were you thinking?  You're on your own, Andrea.

ANDREA

Damn!  Damn!  Damn!

(runs off)

QUINN

I thought she'd never leave.

BEAVIS

Hail, Great Void!  Blessed be your name.

When you're not with us, things just ain't the same.

You give us all our day's pizza and beer,

And when you're with us, we've nothing to fear.

You save us all from the bad dude from Hell,

And when we're with Lolita, we'll be happy as well.

SMILEY

(appearing in the doorway)

Amen, brother!  Prepare to meet the Great Void yourself!

BEAVIS

(standing, turning towards SMILEY)

And who are you, O masked one?  Have you come to worship the Great Void?

SMILEY

I'm a serial killer, you bozo!  Say your prayers!

BEAVIS

Surely you are possessed!

(punches SMILEY in the face)

Out, demons!  Out, I say!

SMILEY

What the Hell?

(hits BEAVIS in the stomach, knocking him to the ground)

BEAVIS

(springing up again)

The Great Void has given me enormous strength!

BEAVIS

The Great Void has given me enormous endurance!

(hits SMILEY again)

Out, demons!  I command you in the name of the Great Void and his two kids!

(chants)

Voidholio... Voidholio... Voidholio...

SMILEY

Just what I need:  someone too stupid to not know when to quit.

(slashes BEAVIS in the gut, making a long, deep gash)

BEAVIS

(wobbly)

The Great Void demands that I live to exorcise your demon.

(weakly punches SMILEY)

SMILEY

Just die, you idiot!

(knocks BEAVIS flat on his back)

LOLITA

It's alright now, Butt-Head.  We're not going to let mean, nasty Beavis abuse you any more.

BUTT-HEAD

You chicks are cool.

TANQUERAY

Did you hear something?

LOLITA

Can't be.  Cornholio is meditating.

BUTT-HEAD

Yeah.

TANQUERAY

I did hear something.  Get him in the car while I check it out.

(runs back into the house)

LOLITA

Tanqueray!

SMILEY

Well, well.  Looks like another opportunity for some fun.

TANQUERAY

(running out the front door)

Start the freaking car, Lolita!  Now!

TANQUERAY

Go, go, go!

TANQUERAY

Shoot!

TANQUERAY

We got to get him off of there!

TANQUERAY

He's still holding on!

LOLITA

I'm trying, damn it!

BUTT-HEAD

That was cool.

LOLITA

Who the Hell is that guy?

TANQUERAY

Someone who killed Beavis.

BUTT-HEAD

He killed that void-knocker?

TANQUERAY

Most sincerely.  Is he still alive?

LOLITA

Looks like he's still breathing.

TANQUERAY

Anyone else want to get the Hell out of here before he comes to?

LOLITA

Motion passed.

LOLITA

Oh my god!

SMILEY

(turning his/her head to look at her)

You're next!

TANQUERAY

(approaching)

No, you are!

SMILEY

OK...

(choosing)

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

(runs up the stairs after TANQUERAY)

SMILEY

Going somewhere?

LOLITA

Don't kill me, please!  I'm too young and beautiful to die!

SMILEY

That's what Heather and Tiffany thought, too.

LOLITA

Whatever you want, I can get it for you:  money, sex--

SMILEY

You don't have any money, and you're not my type.

LOLITA

What do you want from me?
 
 

SMILEY

To see you splattered like a squash.

ANDREA

I'm not kidding, Joey.  Now is the time to get the Hell out of here before Smiley gets us.

JOEY

Smiley is not going to get me.  I can take care of myself.

ANDREA

What are you going to do?  Reason with him?  "No, please don't kill me, Mr. Smiley Face!  I want to be in the sequel!"  How many people has he stabbed to death so far?  Do you honestly think you can defend yourself against him?

JOEY

I think you are forgetting something important here.  Jeffy, Jamie, and Evan were wusses.  I am not.  Tiffany and Heather were girls.  I am not one either.  I am a man, a real man, full of muscle and testosterone, and I assure you I am not going to fall prey to some psycho in a stupid mask the way they did.  Who do serial killers go after?  They go after wusses and girls, not real men.  I am a real man; therefore I will not get killed.

ANDREA

You're a real idiot; that's what you are.  Evan was many things, but not a wuss.  And how many times did Tiffany beat people up?  Are you so conceited that you think your ego will protect you?

JOEY

Do I sense some hostility here?  If you're really so worried, why are you dressed like that?

ANDREA

Argh!  Why do I bother?  I try to dress formally for a religious ceremony, and all I get is criticism!

(beat)

Fine.  You want to die, go right ahead.

(begins stomping off)

JOEY

Andrea...  Andrea, wait!

ANDREA

If you think I'm going to sleep with you while this stuff is going on, forget it.  You want to get yourself killed by being a macho idiot, go ahead, but you're not taking me down with you.

JOEY

That's not what I'm trying to do.  Where are you going?

ANDREA

What the smart person does.  When a knife-wielding maniac is on the loose, the smart thing to do is to run away.  I'm going to find some friends and get the Hell out here.  The important thing is we are leaving, and if your brain is even a fraction of the size your butt indicates, you'll do the same, too.

JOEY

I am not scared of this guy.

ANDREA

Don't you watch horror movies?  You are flaunting your disrespect of the situation, and people who do that usually don't live to take it back.  You are going to die, Joey, unless you wise up really fast.

JOEY

This is so stupid, Andrea...

ANDREA

No, you're stupid, Joey.  I'll see you in Hell!

(exits)

JOEY

(calling after her)

Andrea!

(beat)

Andrea, come back!

(beat; to self)

Shoot!

SMILEY

Boo!

SMILEY

Welcome to your nightmare!

SMILEY

Don't leave!  The party's just getting started!

JEFFY

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

(runs away)

man

What was his problem?

janitor

Beats the hell out of me.  So went to visit my sister...

SMILEY

(imitating Ed McMahon)

Here's Smiley!

SMILEY

Going so soon?  I wouldn't hear of it!

ANDREA

(under her breath)

Damned battery.

SMILEY

Your pizza van or your life!

ARTIE

But they'll take it out of my salary!

SMILEY

I've got places to go and people to kill!

(opens the door, pulls ARTIE out of the van, climbs in, and drives off)

ARTIE

My boss is going to kill me!

ANDREA

Damn!

ANDREA

Damn!  Damn!  Damn!

GUY

(approaching; British accent)

What in bloody Hell is going on over here?  This isn't a rodeo!

ANDREA

(picking herself up)

Ow!

(favors her left leg, leans on an upright table)

I'm sorry.  I was just being chased by slasher-killer in a pizza truck.

GUY

What sort of bloody idiot do you think I am?  Is that lame-ass story the best you can do?

ANDREA

Hello?  We're talking Smiley here.

GUY

Yeah, right.  I'd be broke if I believed every bloody bastard who came in here claiming to be chased by a serial killer.

waitress with name tag saying "HALLY"

God, I got three such weirdoes last week.  I can't believe you expect us to buy any of this.

ANDREA
 
 

Look out!

SMILEY

(jumping out of the van)

Come to Smiley!

SMILEY

Who's next?

(turns to ANDREA)

That would be you, Andrea Flynn.  Don't be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

SMILEY

How does this make you feel, Andrea?

ANDREA

Um, scared?

SMILEY

Are you asking me or telling me?

(beat)

Any last requests?

ANDREA

Uh, yeah.  Fall over, grabbing your foot and screaming.

SMILEY

What?

SMILEY

(falling over, grabbing his/her foot)

Argh!  You bitch!

SMILEY

(approaching)

That wasn't very nice, Andrea.

ANDREA

(backing away)

This is the part where I buy it; isn't it?

SMILEY

(still approaching)

Correct.

ANDREA

(still backing away)

You sure you wouldn't want to be original and let me live?

ANDREA

Do you really want to be known as a strikingly uninspired kill--aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

SMILEY

(wryly)

Idiot.

(exits)

DARIA

Jane, this is ridiculous.

JANE

You got a better idea?  They've covered dozens of bizarre killings.  There has to be something on one of these episodes we've recorded.

DARIA

(reluctantly)

OK, play the next one.

announcer

The Lawndale sex scandal continues!  The newest revelations, next on Sick, Sad World!

DARIA

Next report.

JANE

Hell no!

VAL

(on recording)

Last month we brought you the shocking tale of a high school ruled by fear and sexual intercourse.  But this is not the only shameful fact that has been kept under the carpet of this suburb.  For although this appears to be a quiet town, it has not only been ruled by sex, but also by the Devil.

BRITTANY

(on recording, captioned BRITTANY TAYLOR, PREGNANT TEENAGER)

This is not my fault!  We were so careful!  But they put a spell on me because I'm one of the popular people, and that's why Kevvy couldn't pull out in time!

VAL

(on recording, standing in front of the school)

Not only is there a fashion club at this school, but also a Satanism club.  Several of these students have banded together to form a club where they do black magic, and now anyone who stands in their way has to suffer the consequences.

JANE

(on recording, captioned JANE ANNE LANE, SATANIST)

Oh, sure, we're in a cult.  Yes, me and my friends, we're all, uh, a bunch of Satanists.  We worship Satan.  We put hexes on people and raise dead spirits to go kill people and do bad things to our enemies.  You know what I do to people I don't like?  I make them crawl, I say!  Crawl!

DARIA

Down, tiger.

JANE

It's amazing that, no matter how stupid the story, this channel will broadcast it if it's stupider than anything else on any other channel.

DARIA

What about UPN?

DARIA

(on recording)

There is no cult.  You are all full of (beep).  So go away, grow up, and don't do journalism until that happens.

VAL

(on recording)

But, Ms. Morgendorffer--

DARIA

And they haven't improved since.

JANE

You know:  you're kind of cute when you're ticked off.

VAL

(on recording)

... but even worse tragedy has struck the school.  Not even a week ago was the tragic death of Thomas Eugene Sherman, star player of the Lawndale High football team.

JANE

(noticing)

Uh, Daria...

VAL

(on recording)

Sherman stayed later after school to practice, and afterwards, when he was alone, he was savagely attacked.

JANE

Daria!

DARIA

(muffled by JANE's neck)

Oh, Jane!

JANE