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Daria (the movie):Script, part 1

Behind the Looking Glasses:Script

Daria 2: The Curse of the Misery Chick:Script, part 1 Credits Script, part 2 Pictures Reviews Commercial

1 BLACK. SUPER: TOUCHSTONE PICTURES Music: Offspring's "The Kids Aren't Alright". 2 CUT TO: A RUNWAY. AMY BARKSDALE-MORGENDORFFER and KEITH MORGENDORFFER in skydiving gear kiss and get onto a plane. SUPER: IN ASSOCIATION WITH MTV PRESENTS 3 INT. HIGHLAND HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM. DARIA MARIE MORGENDORFFER is sitting at her desk among a full classroom, with her looking more bored than most. DARIA, daughter of AMY and KEITH, is a sixteen-year-old, beautiful but unaware of it. Dressed in black and gray, in shiny black leather boots, she holds her body stiffly, with an almost masculine walk; her face expresses little but dismay, tensely held. She is wearing reading glasses. We slowly turn to show DAVID VAN DRIESSEN, the history teacher, a blond hippie with glasses and a tie-dyed T-shirt with a peace symbol on it. He lectures with his hands making exaggerated gestures. When the camera returns to DARIA, it can be seen that she has been doodling a picture of Edvard Munch's "The Scream". 4 CUT TO: THE RUNWAY. The plane takes off and soon gains altitude. SUPER: A JOEL SCHUMACHER FILM 5 EXT. HIGHLAND HIGH, FRONT YARD. In front of the school various students are scattered about, enjoying their lunches and talking with each other. DARIA is sitting on the front steps, trying to read Stanislaw Lem's The Star Diaries. LOLITA FISCHER and TANQUERAY XAVIER, two students dressed loudly to advertise they are cheap, come down the steps, banging into DARIA as they come past her. DARIA flashes a dirty look in their direction and goes back to reading. 6 CUT TO: INT. THE PLANE. AMY and KEITH move into position to make a jump. SUPER: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT 7 INT. HIGHLAND HIGH, CLASSROOM. Another full class with DARIA in it, this time taught by J. E. B. "BUZZCUT" JUDGE, a short-tempered, loud ex-marine, seemingly always angry, who teaches language arts. A bunch of names from William Shakespeare's Hamlet are on the board. BUZZCUT is lecturing, but DARIA does not seem to be paying attention. BUZZCUT launches a tirade at DARIA, who then shows him a tablet computer (superficially resembling a PADD from Star Trek: The Next Generation or a large Palm Pilot), on which she has made out a table showing the interrelationships among all the major characters. BUZZCUT looks flabbergasted. Note: This movie takes place about 2020. Therefore, throughout this movie, people use tablet and palmtop computers frequently instead of paper and pencil. 8 CUT TO: EXT. THE AIRPLANE. AMY and KEITH leap out. SUPER: CHRISTINA RICCI 9 INT. HIGHLAND HIGH, HALLWAY. The hallway, painted and tiled to resemble an insane asylum, is empty except for the principal, PETER MCVICKER, a large, sweaty man, always exceedingly stressed-out who is moving down it. Suddenly a bell rings and students race out of the classrooms and through the hallways en masse in the opposite direction, apparently due to the bell ringing for the end of the day; they nearly run over MCVICKER, who is visibly upset. DARIA, now glassesless, follows the group at a leisurely pace. As she passes MCVICKER, she glances at him, her tongue sticking out slightly. 10 CUT TO: THE SKY. AMY and KEITH fall towards the ground. SUPER (LARGE): DARIA 11 CUT TO: EXT. HIGHLAND HIGH SCHOOL. Among the students coming out is DARIA. 12 CUT TO: THE SKY. AMY and KEITH are skydiving, now with their parachutes open. SUPER: KERI RUSSELL 13 CUT TO: INT. A SCHOOL BUS. The bus is clearly moving down a street, and DARIA and many other students are in it. She is not interacting with the other students. SUPER: JAKOB DYLAN 14 CUT TO: EXT. THE SCHOOL BUS. The bus stops, and DARIA and a few other students get off. 15 CUT TO: THE SKY. More skydiving. 16 CUT TO: EXT. A NEIGHBORHOOD IN HIGHLAND DARIA is walking. She is accosted by BEAVIS JONES and CORNELIUS "BUTT-HEAD" SMITH. BEAVIS is the young, idiotic star of a Net show (Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show), with a Metallica T-shirt and a lot of blond hair. BUTT-HEAD is his co-star, with a lot of brown hair combed straight up and wearing an AC/DC T-shirt. Both giggle incessantly and look like they have the maturity and values of oversexed adolescent boys just given testosterone injections and subjected to watching six hours of porno movies. DARIA walks around them. SUPER: DENISE RICHARDS 17 CUT TO: THE SKY. More skydiving. 18 CUT TO: THE STREETS OF HIGHLAND. DARIA encounters STEWART STEVENSON, a twerpy-looking character in a Winger T-shirt. STEWART greets DARIA, and she replies. They separate amiably. DARIA encounters TODD BOOLE, a scruffy, thuggish individual with the strength of an ox and the brain-power of an earthworm. SUPER: WRITTEN BY AKIVA GOLDSMAN TODD apparently propositions DARIA, who knees him between the legs for his troubles. 19 CUT TO: THE STREETS OF HIGHLAND. DARIA enters a house, presumably hers. SUPER: PRODUCERS: PETER MACGREGOR-SCOTT AND PATRICE LEDOUX 20 THE SKY. KEITH and AMY skydiving. 21 PAN DOWNWARDS TO: A HERD OF COWS. 22 ZOOM IN: ON A SINGLE COW'S HORNS BELOW. Two human-shaped shadows fall upon the cow, growing larger and larger. 23 SMASH CUT TO: BLACK. A blood-curdling moo is heard. 24 FADE TO: EXT. SAME HOUSE--LATER IN THE EVENING. A police car pulls up to the curb, and an officer gets out. The officer heads towards the front door. 25 CUT TO: EXT. THE ZEN. The Zen is a student-frequented coffeehouse in Lawndale, not particularly clean. Music is coming from inside. SUPER: EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: DINO DE LAURENTIIS AND ROLAND JOFFE 26 CUT TO: INT. THE ZEN. The Zen is not particularly clean on the inside, either. On stage, Mystic Spiral (a rock band composed of students) is performing the music, finishing up a song. The singer and lead guitarist is TRENT LANE. He is accompanied instrumentally by his sister JANE ANNE LANE (electric bass), JESSE MORENO (rhythm guitar), and ANDREA FLYNN (drum pads). TRENT is a nineteen-year-old. (He was held back a few times.) Typically muted in expression, his clothes are usually plain but his hair in disarray and with three earrings in each ear and Maori tattoos on his arms. His voice is low, his movements often sluggish, but there is a fire in his eyes, one that allows him to explode into action when music or situation demands it. JANE is a sixteen-year-old. Expressive and sensual, dark and mysterious. Wears dark clothing, a red leather jacket, and knee-high black boots, sports three earrings in each ear. Her eyes move probingly when she looks at something, always noting details, her hands always moving with precision. JESSE is a seventeen-year-old. Typically quiet and reserved, plain clothes, but strong. ANDREA is a seventeen-year-old. Always in all black, with long, jet-black hair, a Goth, complete with white makeup and red lipstick, projecting sex and ruthlessness at the same time. The audience consists of high school and college students. As Mystic Spiral finishes, the audience applauds. SUPER: CO-PRODUCERS: KATHLEEN KENNEDY AND JERRY MOLEN TRENT Thank you, all. You've been a great audience. Good night. SUPER: ASSOCIATE PRODUCERS: COLIN WILSON AND JERRY WEINTRAUB The band starts to pack up their equipment. Bananarama's "Venus" begins playing. LYNN QUINN MICHAELIS, a perky sixteen-year-old who prefers to be called by her middle name, enters. Her movements are shown in slow motion as she confidently approaches the stage, TRENT virtually staring at her. There is a sparkle in her eye and a bit of a fiendish smile on her face as her mane of blond hair flows about her face and her thoracic endowments bounce within her pink baby tee. Fade out music. JANE (sarcastically) Great. L. Quinn Michaelis. QUINN Hello, Trent. TRENT Uh, hi, Quinn. SUPER: DIRECTED BY JOEL SCHUMACHER QUINN I really enjoyed tonight's performance. That last song was amazing. TRENT It's nothing, really. Just a bunch of ramblings I patched together. QUINN On the contrary, it was a hauntingly beautiful expression of the loneliness of human existence. (beat) You know, I can help you overcome that problem. TRENT Well-- JANE approaches. SUPER: CINEMATOGRAPHY BY THIERRY ARBOGAST JANE Yo, Trent. Can I have a word with you for a moment? TRENT Sure. JANE and TRENT rejoin the other members of the band. JANE What did we tell you about Quinn Michaelis? SUPER: PRODUCTION DESIGN BY ANTHONY MASTERS TRENT (his heart not in it) She's bad news. JANE Well, remember that! You know how many relationships she's wrecked? TRENT That's just a rumor. SUPER: COSTUME DESIGN BY INGRID FERRIN AND BOB RINGWOOD JESSE It's not just a rumor. She's tried coming between me and Jane. ANDREA She's as bad as Sandi, the original icebox woman. She's already stolen all my prospects this semester--except for you. (beat) Are you sure you don't-- TRENT I've told you a thousand times, Andrea, we're just not compatible. ANDREA Hmph! Just stay away from the little tramp. She deserves to suffer. SUPER: COSTUME DESIGN FOR MS. HEWITT BY ROBERT TURTURICE JESSE Yeah! TRENT Who do you think you people are? My mother? JANE Mom would never lecture you to stay away from Quinn. TRENT Exactly. SUPER: COSTUME DESIGN FOR MS. RICCI BY ANTHONY POWELL JANE Fine. Go ahead and date Quinn. She'll just suck your blood out like Sandi did. TRENT (shuddering) That's a scary thought. JANE Well, think long and hard, young man. It's about time you started thinking with your brain. SUPER: CASTING BY MALI FINN TRENT sighs and walks back towards QUINN. TRENT Sorry, Quinn. I've got family stuff to take care of tonight. QUINN But-- TRENT Sorry. SUPER: FILM EDITING BY DENNIS VIRKLER TRENT walks away from QUINN. QUINN turns to leave herself when she is confronted by SANDI D. GRIFFIN. SANDI is a sixteen-year-old, beautiful but obviously cunning, with piercing eyes. She is always stylishly dressed, always looking immaculate, strutting confidently, an obvious danger. SANDI Quinn, haven't we talked about your problem before? QUINN What problem? SUPER: BASED ON THE MTV CARTOON SERIES DARIA SANDI Your relentless pursuit of Trent. It is in extremely bad taste for you to actively pursue him. You should be making him pursue you. QUINN He's different from most other guys, and that means he requires a different approach. SANDI Your "innovation" comes close to desperation, Quinn. Make sure you don't cross over that thin line. The Fashion Club has standards that must be adhered to. (walks away from QUINN and meets with TOMMY SHERMAN) TOMMY is an eighteen-year-old. Star football player. Arrogant, stupid, prone to outbursts of violence. Blindly faithful to SANDI. SANDI Ready to go, Tommy? TOMMY (as he and SANDI walk away) I know this nice, quiet place not too far from McGrundy's... 27 INT. A LEXUS ON THE INTERSTATE--DAYTIME. HELEN K. BARKSDALE-MICHAELIS (AMY's sister, QUINN's mother, shotgun), JAKE MICHAELIS (HELEN's husband, QUINN's father; driving), and QUINN (back-seat) are present. HELEN is a workaholic lawyer with periodic episodes of conscience over ignoring her family; she has a deep-seated need to dominate others. JAKE is a conservative consultant who becomes easily distressed at anything from outside his own private world; he is fairly gullible and changes his beliefs, once adopted, slowly, even in the face of overwhelming contrary evidence. HELEN and JAKE are dressed for a funeral; QUINN, though in black, is dressed too fashionably for the occasion; she is also wearing what are apparently sunglasses. JAKE I can't believe your weird sister and her husband would do something so stupid, Helen! HELEN Jake, there's not much we can do about it now. How were they supposed to know such a freak accident would happen? All we can do now is be supportive of Daria in this time of crisis. QUINN What's she like these days, anyway? We haven't seen her in about five or six years. JAKE Well, would you want to get near your weird sister-in-law? She tried to make us eat crickets! HELEN Jake! (beat) I talked to Rita about her on the phone. She said that Daria is very intellectual, a straight-A student, and has a position on the school paper at Highland High as fashion editor. QUINN Sounds like she may even have improved. We should get along nicely then. 28 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY RIGHT OUTSIDE TRENT'S ROOM. Exit ANDREA from TRENT's room, barely dressed and without her Goth makeup, soon followed by a barely dressed TRENT, his shirt unbuttoned and hanging open in front. TRENT I'm sorry, Andrea, but this off-again, on-again relationship doesn't work. ANDREA It would if you wanted it to! They proceed towards the kitchen, us following them. TRENT It's just (beat) I can't live on an emotional roller-coaster. With you it's either ecstasy or depression and nothing in between. And when I can't deliver ecstasy continually, you get mad. They enter the kitchen. ANDREA Can't take the pressure? TRENT (smacking a counter) Yes! I can't go full tilt all night, every night! No man can! ANDREA Then why bother doing it with me last night? TRENT I'm human, I'm susceptible to temptation, and I make stupid mistakes. And you're the same way. ANDREA clearly wants to make a snappy retort but can't think of one, so she picks up a vase with flowers in it and throws it at TRENT. TRENT ducks as ANDREA leaves through the back door. 29 A MEETING ROOM. Many relatives of AMY and KEITH are present: DARIA (dressed all in black, looking especially grim) JAKE, HELEN, QUINN, RITA BARKSDALE-CHAMBERS (AMY's other sister), PAUL CHAMBERS (RITA's husband), the latter two's children ERIN and LURMAN, and ERIN's boyfriend BRIAN DANIELSON (along for moral support, dressed like a Man in Black). LURMAN is a big fan of King Solomon's philosophy and considers much of human behavior preposterous; he always speaks in a monotone; among all the people in the room, he is the only one who really understands DARIA. All present are wearing dark clothes, looking morose, and talking quietly among themselves. DARIA (to LURMAN) Great. Not only do I have to go through the suffering of losing both of my parents in a freak accident--as a result of their trying to make an affirmation of life on their twentieth wedding anniversary--but now I'm stuck with having to move in with an aunt and uncle and a cousin I don't even like. LURMAN Look on the bright side, Daria. If you get stuck with my parents, at least we'll be able to team up against Erin immediately. And Erin will probably marry her boyfriend Brian soon, so she'll move out and it'll be just us. DARIA And what's the bright side if I get stuck with Helen and Jake? QUINN (approaches DARIA) Daria? Is that you? DARIA No, it's a hologram. QUINN But you look so (beat) drab. DARIA So? You look overdressed for the occasion. Going to a cocktail party after this? QUINN You were a lot more fashionable the last time we met. What Aunt Rita told my mom about you being the fashion editor of your school paper has to be a mistake. DARIA It's not. I got stuck with the job because I'm the only female on staff. As for me not being fashionable now, if you haven't noticed, we were just at my parents' funeral. QUINN But you could still dress with a little style. DARIA Where would I find the time today to do that with my busy schedule? Besides the funeral and meeting to discuss all the legal mumbo-jumbo, I'm building a replica of the Washington Monument from popsicle sticks and cleaning the oil off of a hundred baby seals. QUINN Ugh! (walks away) LURMAN Could be worse. She could be a pure fashion-freak rather than one who at least knows something. DARIA Wait until she finds out what I did with that pink, frilly dress of mine she liked so much. Enter ERIC SCHAEFFER, a lawyer in an expensive suit. ERIC Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? Everyone quiets down. ERIC I'm Eric Schaeffer, Keith and Amy Morgendorffer's attorney. Our first order of business is the custody of Daria Marie Morgendorffer. According to the official documentation, (pulls out several papers and reads) "In the event of their untimely death, neither of them surviving, they would prefer that none of their siblings get custody of Daria. Keith has been blessed in this respect, being an orphan. Amy is not so fortunate, being cursed with two sisters who are total and utter jerks. But since they have to choose, and since Rita is a ditz and her husband Paul is money-grubbing scum, they choose the lesser of the two evils and grant custody to Helen--also known as 'the Obsessive-Compulsive Controlling Lawyer'--and her husband Jake--otherwise known as 'the Complete Doofus'." LURMAN (to DARIA) You are now entering Hell. DARIA (to LURMAN) Please keep your hands and feet inside the car. 30 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. Enter JAKE, HELEN, QUINN, and DARIA through the front door, everyone carrying at least one piece of luggage. JAKE is groaning under the weight of a heavy trunk. JAKE Oh, man! Daria, what did you put inside this trunk? DARIA Only my collection of lead bricks. QUINN What's with the sarcasm? Have you turned into a total geek since the last time I saw you? HELEN Quinn! QUINN Sorry, Mom. It's a valid question. JAKE Let's just get this stuff upstairs. I'm tired and want to go to bed... 31 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY. Enter same characters coming up the staircase. JAKE (struggling with the trunk) Ow! I think I hurt something in my back. DARIA We'll get you a new one for your birthday. (looks inside the first room on the left) Hey! What's in here? (turns on light, revealing a padded room with bars in the windows) Cool. QUINN It's just the room where Grandma Ruth spent the last few years of her life as an elderly shut-in. It gives me the creeps. HELEN Jake and I haven't gotten around to redecorating it yet. You can use the guest room at the other end of the hall. DARIA shrugs. DARIA and the Michaelises move down to the other end of the hall to the guest room. DARIA flicks on the light and looks in on a perfectly normal boring room. DARIA I'd rather have the other room. It suits my personality better. QUINN But it's so (beat) warped! DARIA What better for an acknowledged cynic? JAKE groans. HELEN Are you really sure? DARIA Positive. My anatomically correct plastic skull and poster of Dante's skeleton being dug up don't go at all with the wallpaper and the drapes. (to JAKE) Don't worry; I'll drag my trunk all the way to the other end of the hall. JAKE Thank you! (exits) HELEN If that's what you want. Just call us if there's anything you need. (exits carrying whatever bags are in her hands) QUINN What happened to you? You used to be this happy kid, but now, you're (beat) scary. Is this some sort of reaction to your parents' death? DARIA Believe me: I've been like this for years. QUINN What happened to the star of the dance recital? DARIA Have you ever heard of Beavis and Butt-Head? QUINN You know I've met them. DARIA Try being around them day after day for years on end. Sooner or later, they'll turn you into a pessimist, too. (grabs the trunk and exits) 32 INT. JAKE'S LEXUS. JAKE is driving DARIA and QUINN to school. DARIA is wearing the outfit she wore back in Highland. QUINN is wearing "sunglasses". JAKE I know that going to a new school can be a stressful experience, Daria-- DARIA rolls her eyes. JAKE --but we're all here to help you get through it. QUINN Don't worry; we'll have you settled in in no time. You'll be out of your funk and wearing something colorful before you know it. DARIA It's been only a week since my parents' death--a very slow week--and already you expect me to be finished mourning. That's a little much, even from a progidy. QUINN Not literally no time. Lawndale High isn't so bad; the teachers are easy to manipulate. Half are spineless pushovers; the rest are wackos who haven't a clue what anyone's saying anyway. DARIA Just what I need: teachers less-educated than I am. That's a great way to learn anything. I should have taken that offer from the Grove Hills School for the Gifted when I had the chance. I don't suppose the students here are also shallow and snobbish? QUINN The other students at Lawndale High are nothing like that. DARIA That's easy; as long as they're not suffering from lead poisoning, they'll be at least smarter than most of the people in Highland. QUINN (trying to be supportive) If you need any help learning the ropes, just ask. The car pulls up at the curb by Lawndale High School, where SANDI, STACY ROWE, TIFFANY BLUM-DECKLER, and several other students are standing. STACY is a sixteen-year-old, a perky brunette, but always nervous, as if expecting predators to strike at any moment. TIFFANY is a seventeen-year-old, pretty but tense, with an almost mechanical quality, a babe with the spirit of a general, always looking for the advantage. DARIA and QUINN get out of the car. SANDI Hey, Quinn! Who's that? QUINN My cousin Daria. (whispers) Her parents fell onto a cow. Fashion trauma. Many of the students shudder. STACY (to DARIA) It'll pass--I think. DARIA (to JAKE) I'm sure Quinn will be a real help. (shuts car door) 33 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. Music: Garbage's "Push It". DARIA is walking through the halls, seeing lots of the student body. ANTON PAVLOV, the custodian, is waxing the floor. DARIA stares at TRENT, getting stuff out of his locker, in attraction as she walks by. Groups in the hallways: 1) AXL GOMPERTZ and ANDREA arguing passionately, 2) JANE and JESSE kissing, 3) KEVIN THOMPSON and BRITTANY TAYLOR sucking face, 4) JOEY HENDERSON, JEFFY LANDERS, and JAMIE WHITE (AKA the 3 Js) talking, 5) TOMMY SHERMAN and BROOKE BENFORD arguing with MICHAEL JORDAN "MACK" MACKENZIE and JODIE LANDON, 6) CHARLES "UPCHUCK" RUTTHEIMER III trying to shove ARTIE WILCOX into a locker and getting kicked for it by HEATHER LOCKHEED and MONIQUE MARTIN, 7) COREY RICHARDS, EVAN MENTEN and ROBERT B. HEAD laughing as TED DEWITT-CLINTON just stands there yawning, 8) SANDI, QUINN, STACY, and TIFFANY (AKA the Fashion Club) discussing what they're wearing. DARIA finally reaches the right room. PAVLOV is a quiet man, a Russian immigrant. He has a passion for cleanliness and hates it when people walk over an area of floor he has just cleaned. AXL is an eighteen-year-old. Heavy metal guitarist. Way too many tattoos. Bad attitude. Oozes disgust. KEVIN is a seventeen-year-old. Football player. Some semblance of muscles. Obviously stupid, probably from the cumulative effects of ramming his head into things many times, oblivious, insensitive, and self-centered. BRITTANY is a seventeen-year-old. Cheerleader, appearing pathologically naïve and upbeat, but prone to violent outbursts if crossed. A complete bimbo. Blue belt in karate. Sounds squeaky and slightly drugged. JOEY, JAMIE, and JEFFY are seventeen-year-olds. Football players. Not particularly bright and fairly interchangeable. BROOKE is a seventeen-year-old. Cheerleader, obsessed with her appearance. Very insecure since that botched nose-job. MACK is a sixteen-year-old. Football player. African-American. No hair. Much smarter than the rest of the team. Hates KEVIN. JODIE is a sixteen-year-old. President of the student council. African-American. Obsessive-compulsive about doing well academically. UPCHUCK is a sixteen-year-old. Always dressed stylishly, red-haired and bearing a grin, trying to portray himself as suave and sophisticated but often coming off as an irritant. Highly creative, intelligent, and libidinous. Black belt in karate, but unable to take even defensive action against any female he's interested in. ARTIE is a sixteen-year-old. Stereotypical geek. Believes he was abducted by space aliens. HEATHER is a seventeen-year-old. Mischievous outcast. Likes to incite riots, stand back, and watch the fur fly. Wears only grayscale. MONIQUE is an eighteen-year-old. Outcast, with antisocial tendencies in the presence of idiots. Into counterculture, wears leather. Hangs out with HEATHER. COREY is a sixteen-year-old. Likes electronics. No personality. Couldn't tell a joke if his life depended upon it. EVAN is a seventeen-year-old. Track star. Student body secretary. Smooth-talking. Slow to admit he's done something stupid. ROBERT is an eighteen-year-old. Connoisseur of beer. Member of the Fencing Club. Idiot. TED is a seventeen-year-old. Captain of the Fencing Club and fan of anything more than 200 years old. Knows martial arts, Latin, and carpentry. Plays treble viol (a violin-like instrument with frets and six strings). Grows his own vegetables. Geeky but cool. 34 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. DARIA and a few other new students are touring the school with the principal, ANGELA LI. MS. LI is a Third-World dictator without a country, obsessed with making Lawndale High School look as good as possible, especially if she doesn't actually have to improve the school. MS. LI At Lawndale High, we are deeply concerned with the mental health of our students, which is why all new students take a psychological exam so as to better tailor their high school experience to their needs. DARIA I need to drink the blood of school psychologists. Can you provide me with a few donors? MS. LI (under her breath) I've got a bad feeling about this one. (normally) Now, if you'll follow me, on the left you'll see Lawndale High's collection of football trophies... 35 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST MARGARET MANSON'S OFFICE. DR. MANSON is the school psychologist, confident in herself to the point of conceited, a know-it-all in a pantsuit. DARIA is sitting across the table from DR. MANSON. The table's top is covered with small holes, as if a lot of nails have been hammered into it and pulled out. DR. MANSON Now, Dara, let's see if you can make up a story about what's in this picture. (holds up a crude picture of two people talking) DARIA (taking reading glasses out of her purse and putting them on) It's Daria. Don't you know those tests don't tell you anything? DR. MANSON I'm the psychologist, not you. So what do you see in this picture, Dara? DARIA The stains of two incompetent psychologists splattered across the pavement after being run over by steamrollers. DR. MANSON Stop being snide. It's two people. DARIA It's a Rorschach test. What it is is bound only by one's imagination. DR. MANSON Wrong test, dreary girl, These are two people talking. DARIA Ah. One of those tests. All right then. It's two people talking about the stains of two incompetent psychologists splattered across the pavement after being run over by steamrollers. DR. MANSON scowls. 36 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, ANTHONY DIMARTINO'S CLASS. MR. DIMARTINO is the history teacher, an angry, middle-aged man in an ill-fitting suit, a pot waiting to boil, easily set off by the slightest thing. DARIA (wearing her reading glasses, sitting in the front row), JANE, KEVIN, CURTIS DELANO, JAMIE, and BRITTANY are present, among others. The board has a number of words on it, including "Hitler", "Weimar Republic", "Treaty of Versailles", "SA", "paramilitary organizations", and "National Socialism". CURTIS is an eighteen-year-old. Student body treasurer. Is inordinately fascinated with tollbooths. Hates cheerleaders, especially BROOKE. MR. DIMARTINO Class, please welcome our new student, Daria Morgendorffer. other students (all eyes on DARIA, deadpan) Hi, Daria. DARIA Uh, hi. DIMARTINO (sarcastically) I'm perfectly certain that all of you brilliant students bothered to read the chapter I assigned to you to read for today. Jamie White, what was the chapter on? JAMIE I, uh, wanted to read it but, uh, I had other things to do. DIMARTINO I see. And what exactly was it that required so much of your attention that you could not read fifteen pages? JAMIE I was going to do it, but this thing came up, this, uh, very important thing, and, uh... DIMARTINO Save your creativity for English class! Kevin, perhaps you know more than your teammate on the subject! KEVIN (to BRITTANY) What did he say, babe? DIMARTINO Stacy Rowe, how about you? Tell us about the chapter you so diligently read! STACY is staring off into space while writing something. DIMARTINO (approaching) Ms. Rowe! Are you paying attention? STACY Huh? Oh, um, yeah, sure I am. DIMARTINO Since you obviously weren't, what, pray tell, were you taking notes on? (takes Stacy's tablet, looks at it, reads) "Ted Ted Ted Ted Ted..." Sounds very intellectual. You, Curtis Delano, what was the chapter on? CURTIS Um, it was the Weimar Republic, wasn't it? DIMARTINO Very good, Mister Delano! I'm glad someone actually bothered to open the book! And it only took going through half a dozen people to get to that point! Now, Mister Delano, please enlighten us what you learned by your deep and thorough reading! CURTIS (nervously) It, um, was about... DARIA (deadpan recitation) The Weimar Republic was the government in Germany following the First World War. Even though it was democratic, it was notoriously unpopular. This, combined with poor living conditions, worsened by the Great Depression, the embarrassment of the Treaty of Versailles, the fear of communism, and the right-wing and authoritarian elements of the culture at the time, created the conditions for the rise to power of radical elements, including the Nazi party. All eyes are on DARIA again. DARIA (surprised) What? 37 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, KITCHEN. DARIA and the Michaelises are sitting around the dinner table eating lasagna and bacon. HELEN is largely absorbed writing something on a tablet computer similar to those used by students in class. QUINN isn't eating much. QUINN It was just a normal day. Three As back on various assignments. Getting bugged by Brittany to join the cheerleading squad. Asked out by six boys-- JAKE So, Daria, how was your first day? DARIA The people in my classes are stupid, and the teachers are twisted and evil. JAKE Daria! Don't judge people until you know them. You're in a brand new school in a brand new town. Do you want a repeat of Highland? What your aunt Rita told me-- DARIA It was a repeat of Highland. The only thing now to make it complete would be for Beavis and Butt-Head to show up to get my opinion on the latest video by the Wallflowers. JAKE Come on, Daria. Not everyone could have been that bad. DARIA Even the faculty was that bad. I was tested by a psychologist who needed her own head examined. She had me look at a picture of two people and tell me what I saw in it. Have you ever heard of anything so lame? HELEN Wait a minute. You said you took a psychological test today? DARIA Yes. HELEN (brings up a document on her computer and hands it to DARIA) I got an E-mail this afternoon about it. Dr. Manson, the school psychologist, said she wants you to take a special class. QUINN Good God, Daria! Don't tell me she wants you to take remedial classes. You couldn't have become that stupid since we last saw you! DARIA (looking over the message) It's worse. They think I have poor self-esteem and want me to take a class to make me feel better about myself. JAKE Low self-esteem!? Daria, that stinks! HELEN Jake! QUINN Poor Daria... DARIA It's not as if anyone ought to be expecting me to feel happy so soon after my parents die in a gruesome accident. Besides, you're taking the word of an idiot over what should be obvious. JAKE Huh? DARIA I have low esteem for people who administer self-esteem tests. 38 EXT. LAWNDALE SUBURB. QUINN is walking to school when JEFFY comes up behind her. JEFFY Hey, Quinn! QUINN (turning to see him; happy) Jeffy! How are you? They hug briefly. QUINN Carry my books? JEFFY Um, sure thing. (takes QUINN's bookbag) I haven't seen you in a while. QUINN You know how busy I am. The Fashion Club is taking up so much time, and I've got Brittany pestering me left and right to join the pep squad, and then I've got this big paper on economics in the Soviet Union I've been doing for Ms. Bennett's class. It's been a total nightmare. JEFFY You think you could spare some time to go out this weekend? I got tickets to the Rotten Candy concert. QUINN Well... DARIA (out of view) Hey, Quinn! Wait up! QUINN and JEFFY look back to see DARIA coming after them. DARIA looks unhappy. JEFFY Is that your sister, Quinn? QUINN Cousin, Jeffy. She's my cousin. 39 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, TIMOTHY O'NEILL'S SELF-ESTEEM CLASS. MR. O'NEILL, the literature teacher, is jumpy, energetic, and sounds like Mork from Ork imitating a preacher. There is something creepy about him on top of this. DARIA (wearing reading glasses, though what MR. O'NEILL has on the board doesn't seem worthwhile reading anyway), JANE, ANDREA, ARTIE, and a few other students are present. JANE, noticing DARIA for the first time, glances over at her, as if hungry and savoring the sight of a home-cooked meal. The very tip of her tongue can be seen as she unconsciously licks all the way around her lips. Realizing what she is doing, she nervously starts to chuckle, then makes a phoney smile. DARIA doesn't seem unnerved at all and gives a hint of a genuine smile back. MR. O'NEILL Welcome, my little friends. You are about to embark on a hero's journey, one that begins here in this classroom and will send you on an expedition into the very depths of your soul. On the way you will encounter all kinds of dangers, face your deepest fears, but in the end you will emerge reborn, fresh as a new flower and free of all the cares and worries that have plagued humankind since they escaped from Pandora's box. (sees DARIA raising her hand) Yes? DARIA I think I'm in the wrong room. Where's the self-esteem class? MR. O'NEILL This is the self-esteem class. I know it's not clear right now, but hold on a little while, leave your thoughts open, and soon enlightenment will rush into you, filling you with light. Now, as we start, we all need to be honest about who we are. Let us begin. As we go around the room, let us say who we are, and what it is about us that has brought us here. I'll start. My name is Timothy O'Neill, and I'm here to be your guide to a new level of awareness. (looks at ARTIE) ARTIE Hi, I'm Artie Wilcox, and I'm here because I'm always scared they'll come back for me. MR. O'NEILL Who is it you think will come back for you? ARTIE The grays. The aliens from Beta Zebulon, the ones who take off your clothes and give you anal probes and force you to have sex with them. MR. O'NEILL I see... (to ANDREA) You, who are you and why are you here? ANDREA reads Hakim Bey's Temporary Autonomous Zone and ignores MR. O'NEILL. MR. O'NEILL You back there with the book. Are you listening? ANDREA Huh? Oh. I'm Andrea Flynn, and I was told I had to come to this waste of time because Dr. Manson is stupid and my parents believed her stupid story that I tried to nail her clothes to the table while she was still in them. MR. O'NEILL Uh, yeah... I'm glad you feel comfortable expressing your feelings so openly, Andrea, but we will have to get past this hostility before we can make some progress. ANDREA goes back to reading and ignores MR. O'NEILL. MR. O'NEILL Andrea? ANDREA What? Oh. Yeah, right, whatever. MR. O'NEILL (to JANE) And you, who are you and why are you here? JANE I'm Jane Anne Lane, and I'm here because (begins crying) I... I'm sorry, I... MR. O'NEILL It's OK, my little friend, my dear, little friend. JANE (stops crying) OK. MR. O'NEILL (to DARIA) You, who are you, and why are you here? DARIA I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and I'm the victim of a system which uncritically follows the results of a pencil-and-paper test. JANE gives DARIA an "oh, please!" look. MR. O'NEILL Daria, I think you need to overcome your denial before you can achieve a higher level of self-esteem. DARIA I am not in denial. MR. O'NEILL You just denied your denial. DARIA How do you know there's anything to deny that I'm denying? Perhaps the only denial is the denial that there is anything else to deny? MR. O'NEILL (looks very puzzled for several moments) OK... (to an extra) You, what's your name? JANE, looking at DARIA, smiles. 40 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE. DARIA and JANE are walking home. DARIA ... So let me get this straight: For the next six weeks we sit around listening to pop psychology slogans intended to make us feel good about ourselves without any real justification for feeling good about ourselves. JANE Correct. DARIA Plus we do busywork intended to pump up our egos, such as writing essays titled "Why I'm proud to be me". JANE Correct. And I always write that I'm proud to be me because I enjoy making people suffer, which I tend to do a lot. DARIA And then they make us take a test that can be passed by giving answers that would satisfy even the shallowest of New Age "thinkers". JANE Correct. Claiming to be a reincarnation of Stalin will give Mr. O'Neill an ulcer. DARIA And you've memorized the entire course, yet you have deliberately flunked it over and over again. JANE Correct. DARIA Why? JANE I like having low self-esteem. It makes it easy to get stuff out of my parents. DARIA raises an eyebrow. 41 A VIRTUAL TV SCREEN APPEARING IN A WINDOW ON A LARGE COMPUTER SCREEN. The screen shows on awful-looking band which sound as bad as they look thrashing about. This lasts a few seconds. 42 CUT TO: BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD'S SUCKY SHOW IN THE VIRTUAL TV SCREEN. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sitting on a dirty, broken-down couch, a screen saver playing on the wall behind them by way of a blue-screen. Both look enthused. BUTT-HEAD Man, that was cool! BEAVIS Yeah, awesome! A veritable font of symbolism in the tradition of cinema noir! I particularly liked the nightmarish animation, which really spoke of the basic existential crisis of the soul. BUTT-HEAD Whatever. I just thought the killer peacock was cool. OK, dudes, before we wrap up, we want to get serious for a moment. We haven't heard anything from our friend Daria for a while, and we just found out that her parents recently passed away and that she's now living with her aunt and uncle in Lawndale. We know this is rough for you, Dar, but you know we're thinking about you, and we're wishing you the best. BEAVIS Keep the spirit, Daria. We'll be missing you. And so, as we close, we want to present the video for Daria's favorite song. BUTT-HEAD Well, Stewart said it was her favorite. BEAVIS And remember, until next time-- BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD (simultaneously) This show sucks! 40 CUT TO: VIDEO OF NATALIE MERCHANT'S "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL". We watch the video a few moments. 43 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, JANE'S BEDROOM. DARIA is sitting on the bed watching virtual TV on a large, flat computer screen, while JANE is gluing a bunch of junk together into a sculpture with a glue gun. JANE Aw! That's so sweet of them! DARIA (repositioning herself so she sits up over JANE) They're stupid, but not totally insensitive. Of course, they've destroyed my image as a total outcast. JANE You don't want to be associated with popular people with their own show on the Net? DARIA (rubbing JANE's shoulder) Does "friend of idiots" sound any better than "Quinn's cousin or whatever"? JANE You have a point. (glues a bottle-cap onto the sculpture) DARIA What is that thing? (reaches towards JANE's sculpture) JANE Don't touch it! It took me hours to build. Sound of guitar. Sculpture shakes but remains intact. JANE (yelling towards the floor) Hah! You'll have to do better than that, Trent, if you want to break this one! It's made with one hundred percent pure, grade-A epoxy! DARIA Who's Trent? JANE My older brother, the guitarist. Tall, thin, dark hair, earrings, and tattoos. DARIA I think I've seen him in the hallway. JANE Probably just got home from detention. Come on, Daria, let's go irritate him. It's a law of nature that siblings have to be at each other's throats. (beat) I'll let you throw my statue at him. DARIA (nervously) I'd rather not get involved with your family's internal struggles. JANE Don't worry; this baby ought to be strong enough to stand up to hitting his head a few kilometers per hour. It'll probably come out of the encounter in a more interesting shape. DARIA Yeah, but with all the epoxy on it, aren't you afraid it'll stick to him? JANE If that happens we'll just call it conceptual art, and when they haul us into court, we'll plead "creative license". DARIA If you don't mind, I'd like to check with my aunt, the lawyer, before we try tossing that thing at your brother. JANE You really like my brother; don't you? DARIA What makes you think that? JANE Come on, Daria. I've seen you looking at my brother in the hall. Why don't you go talk to him? DARIA What's it to you? JANE You're not... (beat) ...you know? DARIA No, I don't. I'm not what? JANE (sighs) Hold still. JANE proceeds to suck face with DARIA, surprising the Hell out of the latter. DARIA (jumping up) Jane, are you crazy! I don't like you that way! (wipes lips on sleeve) Argh! Are all you Lanes this loony-tunes? JANE So you're not... DARIA Definitely not. JANE Just wanted to be sure. So now you don't have an excuse... DARIA Yeah, yeah. That tongue thing was good, though... 44 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, THE STAIRS GOING DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. JANE ... And so Trent, Andrea, Jesse, and me formed this band called Mystic Spiral. DARIA What kind of name is that? JANE Jesse's idea. He's the blond one. Stay away from him; he's mine. 45 CUT TO: THE BASEMENT ITSELF. TRENT and JESSE are playing electric guitars. TRENT You're the Devil in black, And you sure have a knack For putting my heart on the shelf in the back. I'm waiting my turn. Oh, when will I learn? You're giving my heart a case of freezer burn! Yeah... JESSE Icebox woman-- TRENT Can't you leave me alone? JESSE Icebox woman-- TRENT Can't you quit and go home? JESSE Icebox woman-- TRENT Oh, what deed did I do-- JESSE Icebox woman-- TRENT To meet someone like you? TRENT, catching sight of DARIA, begins messing up chords, and quickly the playing stops. DARIA and JANE giggle. DARIA and TRENT catch sight of each others' eyes. The love theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" plays in the background for a moment. JANE Trent? Trent! TRENT Huh? JANE Trent, this gorgeous young lady is Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, meet Trent "the Narcoleptic" Lane. (goes over towards JESSE as TRENT approaches DARIA) TRENT Pleased to meet you. (takes DARIA's hand, kisses it; gesturing towards JESSE) That's Jesse Moreno. (beat) What brings you to Casa Lane? JANE I met Daria in self-esteem class today. TRENT You have low self-esteem, or are you just trying to bilk your parents? DARIA Neither. I have low esteem for the school psychologist. TRENT I'll have to agree with you there. Did you enjoy the song? It's called "Icebox Woman". DARIA Better than half the trash on the radio today. (thinking) Which isn't saying much. JESSE (to TRENT) We doing a show this weekend? TRENT Beats me. Ask our manager. He and JESSE turn towards JANE. JANE I'm working on it. You hear of any possible gigs this weekend, Daria? DARIA is still in a TRENT-induced trance. JANE Daria? DARIA Uh, I don't think I've heard of any yet. (resumes infatuatedly staring at TRENT) JANE Excuse us a minute, guys. (drags DARIA away a bit) Are you OK? DARIA Uh, yeah. You know all the answers on the self-esteem class exit test, right? JANE I've got them on my computer. DARIA Why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all? JANE How would I spend my afternoons? DARIA Uh, UFO conventions? JANE Or with Trent and Jesse? DARIA (uneasily) What gives you that idea? JANE As a charter member of the Lawndale Society of Outcasts, it is my duty to aid you in your noble quest. DARIA (under her breath) Oh, great. JANE Let's go copy my notes onto your computer. And call Andrea. She'll want to be in on this, too... 46 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY--BEFORE FIRST PERIOD. DARIA and JANE are walking through the hallway as QUINN and TOMMY stand talking by QUINN's locker. TOMMY So, like, what do you like to do after school? QUINN Oh, I'm very social person; I like to go see movies, or, like, a theme park, or out for a really fancy meal now and then, and maybe go to a concert if, like, I know someone who has good seats and is renting a limo and stuff. JANE You hear that? He's trying to two-time Sandi the Fashion Fiend. She'll kill him. DARIA Doesn't poem on the bathroom wall say: You know Quinn's a winner. She couldn't be thinner, 'Cause she doesn't touch food But eats guys for dinner. Based on what I've seen of her since I got dragged down to Lawndale, it's accurate. JANE That's odd. That poem wasn't there yesterday. You ought to write lyrics for Mystic Spiral. DARIA If you want to use lyrics like that, you'll end up alienating a lot of your potential fans, babe. 47 INT. GYMNASIUM, CATHY MORRIS'S GYM CLASS. A group of cheerleaders, including BRITTANY and BROOKE, are standing in formation in gym clothes. ANDREA, similarly dressed and with a head-band, is standing before them. ANDREA Give me an F! cheerleaders F! ANDREA Give me a U! cheerleaders U! ANDREA Give me an C! cheerleaders C! ANDREA Give me-- CATHY MORRIS, a mean-spirited, grumpy, corrupt gym teacher, approaches. MORRIS Andrea, you trying to spell "suspension"? ANDREA Honestly, Ms. Morris, the next letter was going to be H! We were going to spell "fuchsia". It is one of the new school colors. MORRIS Get back to playing basketball! (to cheerleaders) Okay, girls! I want to see some splits! ANDREA departs. 48 CUT TO: INT. GYMNASIUM, BLEACHERS DARIA and JANE, though dressed for gym class, are sitting at the bottom of the bleachers. They sit side-by-side, their thighs pressed lightly together. By them is AXL, who is still in his street clothes, oblivious to this. AXL ... And that's the honest truth; I swear it. DARIA That was not something I needed to know about pepperoni. JANE (aside, to DARIA) Have him tell you about what's in Ms. Morris's desk drawers, babe. AXL Now, Dar, I know why Jane hangs out here, but what's a pretty sheila like you sitting on the bleachers with me? DARIA (deadpan) Your stunning personal hygiene. JANE She's still recovering from her fashion trauma. AXL I can understand--Oh, bloody Hell! Look at that! 49 REVERSE ANGLE TO: CHEERLEADERS DOING SPLITS. BRITTANY especially looks enthusiastic, when suddenly she tumbles forwards and ends up tasting the floor. BRITTANY Oof! 50 REVERSE ANGLE TO: DARIA, JANE, AND AXL ON THE BLEACHERS. JANE I love it when that happens. DARIA You wouldn't know anything about that cheerleader accident at the last pep rally, would you? JANE Uh, what accident? DARIA (drawing closer) The one everyone's been telling me about, when a pyramid of cheerleaders collapsed because someone greased the floor with petroleum jelly. JANE I know nothing about that. DARIA Sure you do. MS. MORRIS approaches. MS. MORRIS (to AXL) And what are you doing here? AXL Sorry, Ms. Morris, but a badger ate me gym clothes. MS. MORRIS Do you expect me to believe a lame story like that? DARIA You believed he was human. I thought he was one of Jane's sculptures. MS. MORRIS (to AXL) Axl, get out of my gym! AXL departs. MS. MORRIS (to DARIA) As for you, Delilah-- DARIA It's "Daria". Can't anyone in this school get my name right? JANE You hit her weak spot. Two idiots who are now famous used to refer to her as an unpleasant bodily function. DARIA And thanks to you, that will be on my mind for the rest of the day. MS. MORRIS And you are sitting out because... DARIA I am too stressed by recent major life changes to be motivated to participate in many activities with my peer group. MS. MORRIS You've been spending time with that weird O'Neill guy; haven't you? JANE She's the one whose parents fell onto cows. DARIA And I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Enthusiastically doing stuff which looks like cheerleader routines is beyond me at the moment. MS. MORRIS Uh-huh. What's your excuse, Jane? JANE You read my doctor's note. I was born with hamstrings which are too short. Every time I try to participate, they cramp up. MS. MORRIS Except when we're doing track, at which point you can run perfectly fine. JANE I never claimed to understand the anatomy. DARIA (to JANE) When we dissect the fetal pigs in Barch's class, remind me to point it out to you. BRITTANY (out of view) AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! 51 REVERSE ANGLE TO: A COLLAPSED PILE OF CHEERLEADERS. 52 REVERSE ANGLE TO: MS. MORRIS, DARIA, AND JANE. MS. MORRIS (running off) God damn it! DARIA suddenly realizes what happened. DARIA (to JANE) Vaseline? JANE (to DARIA) K-Y Jelly. 53 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA--LUNCH PERIOD. Students are lining up to get low-quality food. BRITTANY and DARIA are in line, picking up trays. BRITTANY (disgusted) What is this stuff? DARIA Don't bother to ask. The people who serve it have to sign confidentiality papers. They begin selecting food. BRITTANY I was wondering: I'm having a party at my house Saturday night. Care to come? DARIA Why? I'm not a particularly social person. BRITTANY Well, you seem pretty depressed, your mom and dad having fallen onto a cow-- DARIA Does Quinn have to tell everyone about that? BRITTANY So I thought you could use some cheering up. DARIA If you want to cheer me up, tell me who brainwashed Quinn. BRITTANY You mean she's in a cult? DARIA No, she's not in a cult. Six years ago, she was preoccupied with chemistry. BRITTANY She was a geek? DARIA She was the queen of the geeks. They pay for their food and sit down at one of the tables. BRITTANY I don't get it. What's the problem with Quinn again? DARIA The last time I saw Quinn before my parents' funeral was when she and her parents came to visit me and my family six years ago. My parents were weirdoes, so it wasn't surprising that one night my mom decided to serve crickets for dinner... 54 CUT TO: ANOTHER TABLE. TRENT and JESSE are sitting there, trying to eat lunch, and being badgered by QUINN. TRENT I'm telling you, Quinn: it's over between us. I've met someone better than you. QUINN What? I'm the smartest girl around here, and you've got this weird brain fetish. (whispering) Besides, you can't just sleep with me and dump me. JESSE Janey brought home with her someone smart yesterday, someone less flashy and frivolous. TRENT And why should I settle for a smart fashion-addict when there's hope for me to find someone with depth as well? QUINN But I am deep! TRENT Dating a different guy every night and two on Saturdays is a pretty rotten way to treat people. I'm not willing to go through that again. I got enough of it from Sandi, and I'm not going to take it from you. JESSE Even if she isn't the One, she's got to be better for him than you. SANDI (out of view) Quinn, we're about to start the meeting. QUINN Coming. (to TRENT) Mark my words: you'll regret this. (exits) 55 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, MR. O'NEILL'S SELF-ESTEEM CLASS. Previous attendees are present. MR. O'NEILL And so ended the tale, in which the protagonist was able to find his self-efficacy and overcome his obstacle, all by exercising the power of will. JANE (aside) And you'd never have thought The Little Engine That Could could be so interesting, hon. DARIA (aside) The worst part is he's spoiled the ending for the upcoming movie. MR. O'NEILL Now as our time together winds down, let's take a moment and contemplate the deeper message behind the story. There are things we all want in life, and some of them are harder than others to achieve. But there is nothing in life which we cannot reach if we just will it to happen. I think I can; I think I can. See you tomorrow, kids. All the students except for ANDREA, DARIA, and JANE file out. JANE What did he say? DARIA Sounds like some of that trash Quinn gave me to read. JANE That bad, huh? DARIA The worst part is I stopped up the toilet trying to flush the computer. I'm more worried about doing; most people aren't capable of thinking. Ready to do this? JANE Right behind you. ANDREA I can't. DARIA Sure you can. JANE Just put a smile on your face and recite the lines. ANDREA I can't smile. I've never been able to. JANE Hey, if Little Ms. Monotone over here can do it, so can you. And she has no emotions. DARIA (deadpan) I am not monotone. ANDREA I do have emotions. Unfortunately, the only ones I have are lust, hate, anger, and rage. JANE (taking ANDREA's wrist) Come on... DARIA (following; deadpan) I am not monotone. ANDREA, DARIA, and JANE approach O'NEILL, who is sitting at his desk doing paperwork. JANE is wearing a normal smile, DARIA has a Mona Lisa smile, and ANDREA has an obviously fake smile and looks like she's in pain holding it. DARIA clears her throat. O'NEILL (noticing them) Oh, my dear little friends, what can I do for you? DARIA (completely deadpan) Actually, when we woke up this morning, we had this realization of all that was wrong with our lives. JANE (melodramatically) We saw the light, and it has filled us completely, evaporating all that has weighted down our souls. ANDREA (struggling to sound happy) And now that we've been enlightened, we feel it is time to spread our wings and fly as free as the wind. MR. O'NEILL Well, I'm glad you're full of self-fulfillment! But we still have several more weeks of class left. DARIA You have shown us the way this first week. I've never seen teaching like yours before. MR. O'NEILL Thank you very much. DARIA So can we take the exit exam? MR. O'NEILL I'm afraid not. There's so much more for you three to learn that I really don't think you'd pass. DARIA Oh. ANDREA sniffs. JANE (sighs; to DARIA) I told you we weren't good enough. DARIA It's all my fault. What was I thinking? ANDREA I feel lower than dirt for thinking that my self-esteem could have risen so high in so short a time. MR. O'NEILL No, don't feel bad! I'll let you take the exit exam early if it'll really boost your self-esteem! DARIA Well, OK. JANE (shrugs) Yeah. ANDREA (putting fake smile back on) Goodie. MR. O'NEILL (looks at a copy of the exit exam) Question one: Self-esteem is important because... DARIA It's a quality that enables us to do anything we set our minds to do. MR. O'NEILL Very good. Now, the next time I feel bad about myself... JANE Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say, "You are number one. No one else is as good as you." MR. O'NEILL You definitely have been paying attention. Next question: there's no such thing... ANDREA As the right weight. DARIA Or the right height. JANE There's only what's right for me. ANDREA Because I'm perfect just the way I am. MR. O'NEILL I don't think that there's any need to go further. I am pleasantly surprised with the three of you. Never before has anyone completed this course so fast. I think that the whole school should hear about this at assembly. DARIA, JANE, and ANDREA No! 56 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, JANE'S ROOM. DARIA and JANE are sitting together on the latter's bed, side-by-side, pressed close together as they look at a common pad. DARIA (looking at one of JANE's sketchbooks) These are really good. I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one who drew zombies. JANE What? You've been sketching the high-quality zombies at the Mall of the Millennium, too? DARIA Naah. I do it from memory. It's a great way to scare people when demonstrating artistic principles. I thought Brittany was going to freak out when I demonstrated one-point perspective to her today in art class. JANE So you've met the Inflatable Bimbo; haven't you? DARIA Yeah. She invited me to her party. JANE No kidding! Are you going? DARIA No way. It was a pity invitation. She heard about how my parents died from Quinn. JANE Oh, the thing about them skydiving onto a cow. DARIA I'm going to kill Quinn. JANE Don't bother. Think of this as an opportunity to get to know people better, babe. DARIA I got to know people too well in Highland. That's why I'm a pessimist. JANE OK, think about it as an opportunity to get to know one person better. DARIA Oh, great. JANE You wouldn't happen to know if Brittany's hired a band? DARIA I have no idea. You really are Mystic Spiral's manager; aren't you? JANE (picking up the telephone and dialing) Do you really think Trent and Jesse could manage themselves? BRITTANY picks up on the other end. JANE Hey, Britt! It's Jane. (beat) The one who's been helping you with geometry. (beat) Lots of circles, squares, and triangles. (beat) I hear you're having a party Saturday night. You need a band? I just happen to know one that's available. (beat) Mystic Spiral. (beat) Is there such a thing as too many cute guys? (beat) I knew you'd see things my way. (beat) That'll do. (beat) Can do. See you then. (hangs up) DARIA This really is all a plot to get me and Trent together; isn't it? JANE We'll pick you up in the Tank about seven. Don't be late. 57 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM. Among an orgy of pink, green, and lace, a menagerie of stuffed animals, QUINN stands before her closet selecting clothes. Her closet is like the gateway to another world, seemingly hung infinitely deep with clothes of all kinds and colors, undiminished by the large volume which has been pulled out and arranged all over the lace-trimmed canopy bed and pink plush carpeting. Mariah Carey's "Revenge" plays in the background. QUINN (looking in mirror while handling clothes, to herself) Sheer, semisheer, or opaque? Textured! DARIA (walking by open door, stopping, imitating QUINN) Oh, what the Hell! I'll just go naked! QUINN Don't mock the creative process, Daria. I'm trying to select the perfect outfit for a party. DARIA What the Hell is that music? Rock opera? It sounds like you're preparing for some ultra-violence with your droogs. QUINN It's Mozart. Haven't you heard? It makes you smarter. DARIA And who would have thought you needed a boost, L. Quinn? QUINN Ha ha. Parties are one of the most important social gatherings for young adults. It is a place to bond with our peers, to maintain and improve our social status. DARIA And not a bad place to hook up with cute guys. QUINN They're not mutually exclusive goals. DARIA So how did you get invited to Brittany's party? QUINN How did you know it was Brittany's party? DARIA She invited me. QUINN That's awfully nice of her. DARIA It was a pity invitation. QUINN It doesn't matter how you get there, only what you do when you arrive. DARIA And how did you get invited? I was under the impression you and she weren't on good terms. QUINN I'm technically the guest of someone who was invited. You can't a priori throw out someone's date. DARIA I can't argue with that logic. QUINN This will be a good opportunity for you, give you a chance to loosen up. Now, (holds up white blouse to DARIA's chest) maybe if we put you in this blouse, and maybe a miniskirt-- DARIA I don't think so. QUINN Image is important, Daria. How do you expect to meet anyone if you're wearing all black? It's so depressing. DARIA That's funny. I met someone the other day, and he didn't seem to mind what I was wearing. I wouldn't want to upset Trent by suddenly dressing too cheerily. QUINN Trent? As in "Trent Lane"? DARIA You think it was Trent Reznor? QUINN (throwing down clothes she's holding, storming out) Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life! 58 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, KITCHEN. JAKE, HELEN, DARIA, and QUINN are sitting around the dinner table. HELEN is still giving part of her attention to that flat computer. QUINN Mom, tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party! My popularity is at stake! She's determined to be a social black hole! DARIA I thought Lawndale was a social black hole. That's why my mom never accepted that job offer here. QUINN Shouldn't you ground her (beat) 'cause her room is a mess? She's got fake bones all over the floor. DARIA (to JAKE) You wouldn't believe what Quinn's hiding under all that lace and frilly stuff in her room. QUINN Wait, there's something worse: she's been hanging with a Satanic head-bangers band. Everyone in school knows it. JAKE What! (to DARIA) In Highland you hung with those imbeciles who could barely form sentences! Now you have to hang with Satanic head-bangers! Must all your friends be weirdoes? DARIA As if Quinn gravitated towards decent people. Beavis and Butt-Head were not friends; they were guinea pigs for my science project. As for Trent and Jesse, they're not Satanic head-bangers; pop musicians, maybe, but nothing demented. And I can't really claim to have hung with them yet; I've only met them once. HELEN (obviously not having paid attention to much of what's been said) I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. We'd be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up. DARIA and QUINN No! JAKE Have you even been listening, Helen? 59 INT. THE TANK (TRENT'S CLUNKY VAN)--ON THE WAY TO THE TAYLOR HOUSE. TRENT is driving, JESSE is riding shotgun, and DARIA (wearing dark gray), ANDREA, and JANE are in the back. DARIA has her hand resting on JANE's knee. DARIA Thanks for the ride, Trent. TRENT No problem. Any friend of Jane's is a friend of ours, so we're happy to give you a lift. DARIA Um, thanks. ANDREA (to DARIA) Jane tells me you're very unhappy with life. DARIA Sort of. ANDREA Then why are you wearing such upbeat clothing? 60 EXT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE. The Tank pulls up in front of it. 61 CUT TO: INT. THE TANK. DARIA Do we really want to do this? JANE (imitating QUINN) You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason to hate them. ANDREA Or like them. TRENT Besides, we've a gig in there. DARIA Hard to argue with that. Our heroes exit the Tank. 62 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. Everybody takes at least one piece of equipment. JANE Ten hut! Forward march! 63 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. Besides the standard furniture, there are two ceramic tigers. BRITTANY and KEVIN are putting food on a table. The doorbell rings. BRITTANY approaches and opens the front door, revealing our heroes. BRITTANY Daria, you're here! I'm so glad! Hi, Jane, Jesse, Andrea, Trent. our heroes (asynchronously) Hi. BRITTANY Come on in! (pointing) You can set up over there. TRENT Sure thing. Our heroes start moving towards the other side of the living room, opposite the refreshments table. DARIA nearly runs into QUINN (anomalously wearing her "sunglasses" indoors) and JOEY, who are walking around a corner into the living room. Their hair looks a bit messed up. DARIA My, my, my. Did you two get here early for the two kinds of chips? (to QUINN, quieter) Confidentially, I think he'll need some time to choose between the flat and ridgy ones. JOEY Uh... QUINN Very funny, Daria. Joey and I just got here early and took a look around. The den's fairly interesting. JANE Now, now, ladies. Daria, I'm sure Quinn wasn't doing anything illicit and, in fact, probably has a lot on her mind. QUINN Thank you. JANE Such as the fact that she's lost a contact and now has to wear glasses inside or else be walking into walls. QUINN gives a short shriek and runs off. ANDREA You always know the perfect thing to say. 64 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. TRENT, JANE, ANDREA, and JESSE have set up and are playing something instrumental. Various assorted students (practically all in the cast) are mulling about. DARIA is standing in a corner, feeling too shy to hang closer to TRENT. QUINN (apparently having found her contact) is talking to the other members of the Fashion Club and two fashion-conscious extras. JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE are getting snacks from a table and being pestered by KEVIN. HEATHER and MONIQUE are up to something. HEATHER This is way too boring. Too many people are having too good a time. MONIQUE Don't worry. I know just how to start a fight. HEATHER How? MONIQUE Watch me. (walks up to KEVIN and kisses him passionately on the lips) BRITTANY (notices, looks distressed, shouts) Kevvy! How could you? (runs out of the room) KEVIN (oblivious, following) What'd I do, babe? HEATHER You call that a fight? MONIQUE shrugs. 65 CUT TO: THE FASHION CLUB. QUINN (to rest of the Fashion Club) So I said, "Just because people are cliquey and snobby is no reason not to like them." The 3 Js walk up to QUINN. JOEY Hey, Quinn, care to dance. JEFFY Dance with me. (quietly) I hear Joey still sleeps with a teddy bear. JAMIE Care to ditch these two losers? (quietly) I heard from Angie that Jeffy is a sloppy kisser. QUINN Guys, you don't have to fight over me. I'd enjoy spending time with all of you. SANDI looks irked as QUINN goes off a bit with the 3 Js, but her mood improves as TOMMY enters. He is wearing a pinstripe suit, looking almost like a gangster in 1920s Chicago. SANDI approaches him. SANDI (putting her arms around TOMMY) Nice outfit. TOMMY (reciprocating) I had an interview earlier. My dad wants me to take over the family cement business when he retires. (chuckles) As if the talent scouts won't scoop me up into a career of pro football. SANDI As if. (beat) Have a seat. I'll get you a Budweiser. (departs) TOMMY sits down, looking around a bit while taking out a cigarette and a lighter and trying to light up. Suddenly someone dashes a drink over his head. 66 CUT TO: DARIA STANDING OVER TOMMY, HOLDING AN EMPTY GLASS. DARIA (deadpan) Sorry. I was trying to keep your head from bursting into flames. 67 CUT TO: DARIA AND TOMMY. TOMMY, enraged, jumps up. TOMMY (yelling) What the Hell is wrong with you? The music in the background abruptly stops. All eyes turn towards them. DARIA Me? What the Hell is wrong with you? TOMMY I'm just trying to relax, have a cigarette, and you just come along and throw a drink in my face! DARIA You want to poison yourself and die of lung cancer, go ahead. Just do it somewhere else where you won't be taking other people with you. TOMMY You have a real attitude problem; you know that? DARIA Thanks. DARIA walks away. A few people chuckle at TOMMY's expense. The background music resumes and people return to the party. SANDI returns with a beer bottle. SANDI What happened to you? TOMMY (taking the beer) That crazy geek in the dark gray dress threw a drink in my face while I was trying to light up. (takes a big sip) Some people are so insensitive. SANDI Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn's cousin or whatever. TOMMY The one with fashion trauma? I hope she falls on a cow herself! ANDREA (from across the room) Hey, Goal-Post-Head! The wet look suits you! TOMMY Shut up, you Goth freak! 68 CUT TO: HEATHER AND MONIQUE. MONIQUE Yes! Daria missed starting a fight by (holding index finger and thumb slightly apart) that much! We can still be first! HEATHER Good. I've just the perfect thing. (pulls a hip flask out of her pocket) MONIQUE What's that? Moonshine? They already have beer here. HEATHER (as they walk over to the refreshments table) Better: glitter berry juice. MONIQUE Isn't that poisonous? HEATHER (pouring some into the punch) Not really. It's harmless--except for the fact that it makes people act like idiots. Why? Are you worried about being caught? MONIQUE Naah. But with this crowd, how are we going to tell if it works? 69 CUT TO: THE FASHION CLUB. TIFFANY (to fashionable extras and STACY, gestures to someone out of view) See her? 70 TIFFANY'S POV. We follow the people TIFFANY points out. TIFFANY (pointing to BROOKE) Somewhat popular despite problems coordinating, popularity on the wane. Been going downhill ever since that botched nose-job. (pointing to EVAN, who is getting a drink thrown in his face by HEATHER) He's just obnoxious but somehow still popular. (pointing to ROBERT) And he's barely popular enough to get here, but he's still beneath us talking to... 71 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. MONIQUE and HEATHER approach DARIA as TIFFANY continues lecturing on the popularity of the various people present. MONIQUE (to DARIA) We noticed that you were having trouble fitting in around here. DARIA Uh, sort of. HEATHER Don't worry about it. MONIQUE With some of the people around here, you'll never, ever want to fit in. HEATHER Here comes exhibit A. Enter UPCHUCK from another room, approaching DARIA, HEATHER, and MONIQUE. STACY is not paying attention anymore to TIFFANY but is looking at boys. UPCHUCK Hello, ladies. (to DARIA, bowing low) Charles Ruttheimer the Third, at your service. And you are? DARIA Xena, Warrior Princess. UPCHUCK I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you like a tour of the house? It's free. HEATHER Go with him. Then you'll have no doubts that you want to be an outcast. It's better than standing around doing nothing, anyway. MONIQUE Then put him out of our misery. You can hide the corpse in the drier in the laundry room. DARIA (uncertain) OK... Exit DARIA and UPCHUCK. HEATHER Better her than us? MONIQUE Absolutely. 72 CUT TO: STACY AND TIFFANY. TIFFANY (seeing STACY staring) Who are you looking at? STACY Uh, no one in particular. There are just so many cute boys here tonight. TIFFANY (seeing some interesting guys) Hmm. SANDI (quietly) I told you, geeks are off-limits. TIFFANY That's Stacy's problem, not mine. I know very well that it would ruin our popularity to be seen with such people, especially that geek with the bird. SANDI Very good. The last thing we need is to be associated with a weirdo who thinks that a pigeon is a party animal. (noticing STACY) Stacy, who are you staring at? STACY (not diverting her gaze) No one. SANDI gives a snort of disgust and walks away. 73 CUT TO: TED, whom STACY is gazing at, and an extra holding a pigeon. 74 CUT TO: TIFFANY and STACY. TIFFANY (quietly, to STACY) Don't worry. She's just jealous 'cause Ted is cuter than Tommy Sherman. STACY Thanks, Tiffany. You're a real friend. 75 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, MASTER BEDROOM. MACK and JODIE are sitting on the bed making out. Enter UPCHUCK and DARIA. UPCHUCK And this is the master bedroom, done in a minimalist baroque style. MACK Damn! Can't we get any privacy around here? JODIE (leading him out of the room) I think the laundry room may be vacant. Exit JODIE and MACK. UPCHUCK Note the canopy bed made of genuine walnut with a deep finish, the handmade lace bed ruffle, and of course the genuine silk sheets. Have you ever slept nude in silk sheets? It's almost like having your whole body surrounded by the finest part of a woman. DARIA Ew! That's a really disgusting thought, crawling into a human brain. UPCHUCK That wasn't the part I meant, but I do appreciate that aspect of a woman, too. DARIA You have some ulterior motive for bringing me in here; don't you? UPCHUCK What makes you say that? (closes the door) DARIA For one thing, what you just did. UPCHUCK Admit it: when you first saw me, you knew we were made for each other! DARIA Pardon me? UPCHUCK You are the perfect woman, both brilliant and beautiful! You are the perfect complement for myself! Let us consummate the perfect match at once! UPCHUCK embraces DARIA. DARIA punches UPCHUCK in the face and kicks him with her boots. UPCHUCK (collapsing on the floor) Ow! DARIA Touch me again, and I'll drop an antique computer on your head. (exits) UPCHUCK (weakly) Ooh. Feisty. 76 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. SANDI (having returned, now holding an open magazine, to STACY and TIFFANY) See, I told you that that Ted character isn't qualified to go out with any of us. It's in here, right on page sixty-three. STACY whimpers and walks sadly away. TIFFANY You're so right, Sandi. I don't see how Stacy could ever doubt you. Enter DARIA. DARIA (walks over to HEATHER and MONIQUE) You two were right. The popular crowd around here is pathetic. ARTIE and ROBERT (in a green shirt) enter the room and stare at HEATHER, MONIQUE, and DARIA. Both guys are visibly intoxicated. HEATHER Those guys are looking at us. (to MONIQUE) I told you that the glitter berry juice would work. DARIA I'm not interested in them. They remind me too much of Beavis and Butt-Head. MONIQUE The one in the green shirt is cute (beat) in a head too big for his body kind of way. If you don't go for Trent, you could go for him. DARIA You've been talking to Jane; haven't you? MONIQUE nods. ARTIE and ROBERT approach. ROBERT So, where have you girls been all our lives? DARIA (deadpan) Waiting here for you. We have no purpose and destiny but you. Take me, right here, right now, you paragon of male virtue and handsomeness. My only desire is to be your love slave. ROBERT Hey, Artie! She likes you! MONIQUE (quietly to ARTIE and ROBERT) Confidentially, I think Brooke has a crush on you two. ARTIE Really? MONIQUE More than Xena here. Why don't you make her most secret dreams come true? ARTIE With extreme pleasure! ROBERT Count me in! ARTIE and ROBERT wander off to look for BROOKE. DARIA Thanks. Those guys were making me nauseous. HEATHER (noticing QUINN trying to get the 3 Js out of the room) Is it my imagination, or does Quinn look rather anxious? DARIA Quinn? Where? MONIQUE She's hiding behind the ceramic tiger. DARIA (to QUINN) Yoo-hoo! Sister! QUINN Um, excuse me, guys. I gotta go to the bathroom. DARIA (approaching) Hi, sister! QUINN I'm your cousin, not your sister! Aren't you a little out of place dressed like that? That's almost as bad as what you usually wear. DARIA (to the 3 Js) Hi! I'm Quinn's brainy sister. People think we're twins. QUINN (pushing the 3 Js out of the room) Come on, guys; let's go check out the den. DARIA (walks over to HEATHER and MONIQUE) You know, being an outcast does have its advantages. MONIQUE (gesturing) You could always irritate her other friends, too. DARIA Not a bad idea. (walks away) HEATHER (to MONIQUE) You are so evil. DARIA approaches SANDI, STACY, TIFFANY, and two fashion-conscious extras. DARIA Hi! I'm Quinn's brainy sister... 77 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. DARIA (to STACY, TIFFANY, and the extras--SANDI has deserted to talk to TOMMY) ... It was after she walked into the glass doors at the Mall of the Millennium six times that Mom realized that Quinn had a serious vision problem. STACY That is so sad. DARIA She lost a contact in the laundry room before you got here. She was actually walking around with glasses indoors before she found it. QUINN (approaches DARIA, then drags her away) I've got ten dollars. DARIA Ten dollars doesn't buy anything these days. QUINN Twenty? DARIA Twenty dollars buys only a single book these days. QUINN Forty? DARIA Well... Mystic Spiral finish a song, followed by applause. They bow once or twice. TRENT Thank you, all. Mystic Spiral put down their instruments. ANDREA wanders off on her own. JESSE and JANE walk off hand-in-hand towards the laundry room. TRENT walks towards DARIA. DARIA (thought only, hanging her head down) It can't be happening. What could Trent see in me? TRENT is intercepted by QUINN. QUINN pushes TRENT down on a sofa and sits on his lap. QUINN Hello, Trent. TRENT (pushing QUINN away) Good-bye, Quinn. QUINN But-- TRENT Good-bye, Quinn. QUINN reluctantly retreats. TRENT (to DARIA) Hey, Daria. DARIA (a bit flushed) Hey. TRENT Care to get away from these losers for a while? DARIA Um, sure. DARIA and TRENT walk off towards the den. 78 CUT TO: TOMMY AND SANDI. TOMMY (a bit inebriated, to SANDI) Did I just see that? SANDI Yeah. He may look cool, but he doesn't warm up to popular people very quickly. TOMMY That's disgusting. I never thought he'd sink so low to go out with such a geek. Even after Andrea. ANDREA (approaches) You're no prize yourself, Goal-Post-Head. (moves away) QUINN (approaching) He has this brain fetish, and I was close to getting him to accept me when Daria moved here. Then he didn't want to do anything to do with me. SANDI Wait a minute. Wasn't that cousin of yours the one with the pink, frilly dress? QUINN Unfortunately. She tells me she turned into a pessimist after she met Beavis and Butt-Head. Though I think it has to do more with the death of her parents. TOMMY Neither of those explains how anyone can be so sick. Or why Trent is so messed up. They follow discretely for a few seconds and watch in horror. TOMMY We really got to straighten them out. Man, I could sure use a belt... 79 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, THE DEN. DARIA and TRENT sit on a couch, trying to start up a conversation. Music: Nirvana, "Smells like Teen Spirit". DARIA (nervously) Um, nice music you were playing. TRENT Thanks. DARIA I've never quite heard music like that before. TRENT Daria... (beat) Do you believe in love at first sight? DARIA It's been reported to happen. TRENT But do you think it does? DARIA I don't know. Maybe with the right people. TRENT But how can two people just suddenly know they're right for each other? DARIA I don't know. They just look at each other, and they have this moment of clarity... DARIA's voice trails off as she and TRENT, looking at each other, start moving towards each other to kiss. The love theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" begins to play. They stop suddenly as JANE and JESSE enter. Their hair is a bit messed up, and JANE has a sock clinging to her shoulder. They approach DARIA and TRENT. JESSE Go, Trent! Go! DARIA (falling back in her seat) Oh, great. TRENT What happened to you two? JANE Uh, looking for Quinn's missing contact? DARIA She found it already. (picks sock off of JANE's shoulder) Is this yours? JANE (sighs) Jesse thought my head was a lollipop. TRENT (to Jesse) Ready to get back to work? JESSE Sure thing. The four of them head back towards the living room. 80 INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. Enter JANE, JESSE, DARIA, and TRENT. ANDREA is already back at the drums. TRENT is confronted by a very drunk TOMMY as DARIA gives him a kiss before he starts playing again. TOMMY (putting his arm over TRENT's shoulder) Hey, Trent! I hear you're now going with some geek. DARIA That would be me. TRENT What of it? TOMMY (to DARIA) I can't imagine anyone wanting to talk to you. (to JANE) You, maybe--like, four hours into a kegger. JANE Perhaps after I barf on your shoes. TRENT What's your problem, Tommy? You have some problem with people who aren't shallow? JESSE Maybe hitting one too many goal-posts has damaged his brain. TOMMY (looking at JESSE) Trent, you used to be cool, really cool. TRENT (rotating TOMMY's head manually) I'm Trent. TOMMY Then you started reading poetry and literature. You got Monique to quit the Fashion Club. You started shunning half of the football team. And now you're here with a nerd? (to DARIA) You're one of those misery chicks, always moping about what a cruel world it is, making a big deal about it so people won't notice that you're a loser. JANE (to DARIA, singsong) I don't think he likes you. DARIA That doesn't bother me. TOMMY Well, it bothers me how Trent here could see anything in anyone like you--how anyone could see anything in anyone like you! TRENT I think you've said enough, Tommy. You've had too much to drink, and it's about time someone drove you home. TOMMY (pulling himself away) I don't need your help! I'm Tommy Sherman, greatest football player Lawndale High's ever seen! I can do anything! (takes a swing at DARIA and TRENT) DARIA En garde! (kicks TOMMY in the butt) Music: Alanis Morissette, "The Next Revolution". TOMMY goes flying into SANDI, and the two of them fall on top of JODIE. MACK, offended, picks up TOMMY and punches him, offending KEVIN, who punches MACK, resulting in a brawl among the football players, which spreads quickly to the cheerleaders and everyone else. (Let the fight choreographer have some fun, with the only restrictions being that DARIA, MONIQUE, HEATHER, MACK, JODIE, and everyone in Mystic Spiral doesn't get knocked out, and no one is seriously hurt.) Notably: 1) UPCHUCK propositions HEATHER and MONIQUE and is picked up by them and dunked in the punch-bowl. 2) JOEY and JAMIE pick up JEFFY and send him sliding across the food table, then punch each other. 3) BRITTANY kicks SANDI karate-style in the head. 4) SANDI grabs DARIA by the hair, the latter struggling to get free, punching SANDI in the face, and ending up falling on top of JANE, face to face, one of DARIA's hands ending up on JANE's chest. They interact briefly as the fight continues around them: DARIA Uh, sorry to drop in on you like this. JANE (taking hold of DARIA's hand) Feel free to any time. Ready to get back to the conflict? DARIA Plenty. 5) As DARIA climbs off of JANE, TRENT punches out TOMMY, who falls on top of SANDI. 6) STACY punches JEFFY in the face, causing him to fall unconscious to the floor. 7) JODIE punches out TIFFANY. 8) SANDI tries to crawl out from under TOMMY but gets kicked in the head by STACY and falls unconscious. 9) MACK punches EVAN and ARTIE. 10) BROOKE throws CURTIS through a window. 11) ANDREA shakes her head in disapproval, then overturns a ceramic tiger on UPCHUCK. 12) SANDI leaps on ANDREA's back, but ANDREA flips SANDI over her shoulder onto TIFFANY. 13) BRITTANY cartwheels onto TIFFANY's back and jumps onto QUINN, then jumps up, grabs a chandelier, swings across the room, and knocks BROOKE out the open window. 14) JANE and DARIA throw ARTIE and ROBERT through the open window. 81 INT. THE LAWNDALE POLICE STATION. DARIA and QUINN are sitting on a bench with JAKE and HELEN standing over them. A few other students from the fight are being interrogated by their parents nearby. JAKE How could you two get in a fight? DARIA Well-- JAKE Quinn, your mother and I have put a huge amount of effort into raising you. Daria, we took you into our home after your parents died. How could you two betray us? DARIA Well-- JAKE You two better have a damn good explanation for your behavior. DARIA Well-- JAKE No excuses! HELEN Let them explain. (beat) Then we nail them. QUINN It's all Daria's fault! She started the fight! JAKE I knew it! DARIA Actually it was Tommy Sherman who started the fight. JAKE The football player? But football players are the greatest guys on the planet! DARIA Except for him. He had a problem with me and Trent seeing each other and attacked us. JAKE Well, of course he had a problem! Who wouldn't be upset at a Satanic head-banger? DARIA He's not a Satanic head-banger! JAKE I'll bet he isn't! He probably started the fight. HELEN (looking over the police report) Actually, according to this, that Sherman boy started the fight according to all eyewitnesses. The arresting officer also notes that his breath smelled of glitter berry juice. JAKE What!? DARIA Told you. QUINN They're lying! She provoked him! DARIA As in by refusing to be a slave to common conceptions of how people should behave, thus prompting him to attack me. JAKE I knew it! HELEN Jake! We don't have a bit of evidence to blame Daria for anything! Everyone claimed Tommy Sherman started the fight, not Daria. According to this, he was intoxicated and had a big chip on his shoulder. Obviously he was no innocent bystander. JAKE looks irritated, but he knows he can't do anything. 81 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, SHOWERS DARIA is seen from the shoulders up in the showers off the girls' locker room. As the steam rises around her, she soaps up her voluptuous body and rinses herself off under the stream cascading over her supple skin. The camera pulls back a bit to reveal JANE in a similar state of undress and activity. JANE Hey, Daria, hon? DARIA Yes, babe? JANE Could you help me out? DARIA Sure thing. What do you need? JANE I got this spot on my back I can't reach. You mind? DARIA No problem, babe. Sponge? JANE (handing over squeeze bottle) All I got is this body wash. DARIA (taking bottle) That'll do. SANDI (out of view, screaming) God damn you! DARIA What was that? JANE (turning her back to DARIA) Oh, just the plumbing. DARIA squeezes a handful of body wash into her hand and proceeds to rub all over JANE's back. JANE (looking like she's enjoying it a bit too much) Oh, yes! That feels great... 82 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM. The room is filled with teenage girls in various states of undress, changing either into gym clothes or back into street clothes. DARIA and JANE emerge from the showers dressed only in white towels wrapped around them, dipping in the front to show off their cleavage. (Note to costumer: Be sure to have plenty of tape.) They approach their gym lockers. JANE (opening her locker) That was amusing. DARIA (opening her locker) What is it with you and lubricants anyway? JANE (taking small radio from her locker) A natural extension of my fascination with paints, I guess. SANDI (out of view) Jane! DARIA Uh-oh... SANDI approaches from the showers, looking furious. SANDI You did it; didn't you! JANE Did what? SANDI The honey in my body wash, that's what! Do you know how awfully sticky that makes you feel! DARIA (deadpan) But you smell so sweet, just like your personality. SANDI (to DARIA) You'd better watch yourself, misery chick. (to JANE) And as for you, art geek, you'd better watch yourself. If I ever catch you doing something like this, you're dead! SANDI shoves JANE's shoulder and departs. DARIA You're going to get yourself hurt some day. JANE I'm not scared. 83 CUT TO: DARIA'S FEET. Her towel drops to the floor. 84 CUT TO: DARIA and JANE, SHOULDER LEVEL. JANE switches on her radio. Suddenly feedback rings out through it, causing JANE to jump back. Weird Al Yankovic's "It's All about the Pentiums" begins the play. JANE What the Hell... DARIA (ducking out of view, not becoming visible again until she's replaced her towel) I don't think we're alone here. 85 CUT TO: DARIA and JANE. JANE Huh? DARIA (taking the radio) Give me that! DARIA moves the radio back and forth, listening for when it switches back and forth from music to feedback. Soon she finds it loudest by her locker and switches it off. DARIA (handing the radio back to JANE) I think we got a bug. JANE I told them they don't spray in here enough. 86 CUT TO: INT. DARIA'S LOCKER, FACING OUTWARD. DARIA looks in the door, giving a great view of her cleavage. DARIA (looking around) Bugs often transmit on radio frequencies. Radios and TVs sometimes pick up those frequencies, causing a feedback loop. Here we are... (grabs camera) 87 CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM. DARIA What kind of a pervert bugs the girls' locker room? JANE Someone who likes looking at naked young women who's too lazy to do a search on-line? DARIA Get serious. JANE Sounds like the kind of stunt Upchuck would pull. DARIA Upchuck? As in "Charles Ruttheimer the Third"? JANE Sweetie, remind me some time to tell you how he got kicked out of prep school. DARIA That sicko tried to sleep with me at Brittany's party. JANE Fortunately you're already spoken for. Or are you... DARIA Jane-- JANE Sorry. He must really have a crush on you. DARIA And to think I just did a striptease for him. JANE With a chest as good as yours, you probably gave him a heart attack. Want to flush it down the toilet, or would you rather put it in Sandi's locker? DARIA (taking a boot out of her locker, placing bug on bench) Better still... (smashes bug with heel of boot) 88 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA. DARIA (with her reading glasses on) and TRENT are discussing calculus. DARIA ... And that's how you do integration by parts. TRENT (slaps self on forehead) It all seems so simple now. DARIA It is--if you get used to it. TRENT That's not the only thing I could get used to. 89 CUT TO: ANOTHER TABLE, where the entire Fashion Club are staring at DARIA and TRENT in horror. QUINN That is creepy. I can't believe he's been acting this way since he was a sophomore. Monique, OK. Andrea, maybe. But Daria? He must have a loose screw in his head. SANDI I wouldn't be so concerned except that he is otherwise extremely cool. We cannot let such a guy slip away from us. QUINN Especially a musician. That is, like, too cool to give up without a fight. But if he's been like this for two years, he's got to see something in Daria that he's not seeing in any of us. STACY Maybe he's got some sort of natural look fetish. There are some guys, strangely enough, who think eye-shadow and mascara look, like, weird and like the natural look much better. SANDI Daria doesn't have a natural look; if she wanted it, she would have, like, ditched those reading glasses and gotten contacts long ago, like Quinn should have. QUINN Hey! I told you, I did not lose a contact last night! Daria was lying! TIFFANY Maybe Trent had a bad experience with someone popular. SANDI Hey! I didn't do anything to him that I hadn't done to any other guy before! TIFFANY Sorry! QUINN Or maybe he just doesn't know that one doesn't have to be a nerd to be smart. SANDI looks at QUINN as if she's a space alien. QUINN What? Just because I'm popular doesn't mean I'm an underachiever. SANDI You never struck me as the brainy type before. QUINN It's a great way to keep my parents off my back. As long as I keep my GPA up, they're like putty in my hands. STACY Can you teach me how to be smart, Quinn? My parents can be such pains in the neck that-- SANDI Enough! (to QUINN) Perhaps you should try correcting Trent's misconceptions about popular people. QUINN I can't recommend us pursuing him right now--he'd just turn us down. But we can poison his relationship with Daria. All we have to do is wait for the opportunity to present itself... 90 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. Between classes students are mulling around. DARIA and JANE are walking down the hall. DARIA If I ever see Upchuck again, I'm going to tear his head off. JANE Go ahead, sweetie, he's right over there. 91 REVERSE ANGLE TO: UPCHUCK AT HIS LOCKER. He sees DARIA and JANE, smiles, and winks at them. 92 REVERSE ANGLE TO: PREVIOUS. JANE In the mood for some murder today, hon? DARIA Actually, in his case, it would be justifiable homicide. Come on. JANE You going to do what I think you're going to do? DARIA Just follow my lead, babe. JANE (gleefully) Goodie! DARIA and JANE approach UPCHUCK, one on either side of him. Both put on smiles and look longingly at him. DARIA Hey, Charles. UPCHUCK Well, Hello, ladies. And how are you two doing today? DARIA Quite well. Aren't we, Jane? JANE Oh, yes. And how are you doing, Charles? UPCHUCK Feeling quite well, thank you. Never had a fitter day in my life. DARIA (smiling wider) Good. (beat) I think I'm in the mood for someone who's fit. Someone with a lot of endurance. JANE You know, me too, Daria. You know, Chuck, all day I've been unable to think of anything other than (whispers something into UPCHUCK's ear) UPCHUCK blushes. DARIA (fingering UPCHUCK's collar) Jane, you're going to give the poor boy a testosterone overdose! UPCHUCK Now, ladies, there's plenty of Ruttheimer to go around. DARIA I was hoping you'd say that. (beat) Ready? UPCHUCK Oh, yes, my darlings! I'm always ready. JANE Excellent. Follow us, Chucky. DARIA and JANE depart. After a beat, UPCHUCK goes running after them. 93 CUT TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, BACK. DARIA and JANE are strolling in back of the main building, UPCHUCK following closely. A dumpster is visible in the direction they are moving. UPCHUCK Are we there yet, my lovelies? DARIA and JANE stop before the dumpster, UPCHUCK before them as they turn and face him. DARIA Oh, we're here, darling. Tell me, Charles: do you like to watch? UPCHUCK Excuse me? JANE You were the one who bugged Daria's gym locker; weren't you? UPCHUCK (nervous) Well, uh... DARIA You can tell us, Charles. It turns me on. UPCHUCK You can't blame me for having a fine aesthetic sense, can you? JANE Of course not. And you liked what you saw; didn't you? UPCHUCK My darlings, I have rarely seen such perfection outside of the air-brushed pages in magazines! DARIA I think that's what we wanted to know. Ready, Jane? JANE Ready, Daria. UPCHUCK Huh? Hey! DARIA and JANE pick up the screaming UPCHUCK and toss him in the dumpster. They look at each other with satisfaction. JANE That was fun. We should do it again some time, cutie. DARIA (as she and JANE begin to walk away) Kevin's been giving me looks. Maybe if he keeps it up... UPCHUCK (from dumpster) Ooh! Feisty! 94 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, DIANE BENNETT'S ECONOMICS CLASS. At the front of the classroom MS. BENNETT can be seen making a confusing diagram on the board with a lot of Xs, Os, and arrows between them. The class is full and includes JODIE, KEVIN, and TOMMY. DARIA can be seen in the back next to JANE, while QUINN is sitting in the front, looking a bit too attentive. MS. BENNETT ... for necessities the consumption doesn't change much even though the price may go up considerably. Products like this are said to be inflexible... JANE (hushed, to DARIA) You get what those diagrams mean? None of us ever did. DARIA (hushed, to JANE) I think the Xs are supposed to be consumers and the Os consumer-eating dinosaurs, but I could be mistaken. JANE (hushed, to DARIA) Probably so, sweetie. What you described sounds like something from one of Barch's lectures. MS. BENNETT (continuing to talk over them) ... compared to their consumption when prices are low. Products like these are said to be flexible. Now, let me show you something... MS. BENNETT switches on an overhead projector. Superimposed over the text is an irregular ring. Everyone but QUINN looks a bit confused. MS. BENNETT What the-- MS. BENNETT looks at the projector, finding on it is a coiled snake. Suddenly she jumps back, screaming, and much of the class follows her running out of the room. TOMMY and KEVIN look particularly freaked out as they run from the snake. QUINN is strutting out, calm, smiling. JANE and DARIA straggle, not really convinced running is warranted. JANE You were worried about this place being boring; weren't you, sweetie? DARIA Something's not right. How did a snake get in the building? JANE They let in Upchuck; didn't they? 95 CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. MS. BENNETT is still flipping out, leaning against the wall and hyperventilating while JODIE attends to her. A few other students, including KEVIN and TOMMY, are in a similar condition, but most are just enjoying not being in class. JANE pokes her head out the classroom door. JANE Guys! You can come back in here now. The whole thing was a fake. The students look confused but start filing back in to see DARIA holding the snake disdainfully by the tip of its tail. It has assumed an unnatural helical shape and is unquestionably motionless. DARIA A rubber snake, and not a very good one either. (bangs the snake's head against the edge of a desk) See, it's not alive. This is someone's stupid idea of a prank. JODIE Quinn, what are you pulling? QUINN (playing innocent) Me? Why would I do something like this? I hate snakes! DARIA But probably not latex. JODIE (to DARIA) I'm sure she carries plenty of that. Otherwise she'd be showing by now. QUINN What!? JANE (to JODIE) Exactly. I'm supposed to be saying lines like that. MS. BENNETT (reentering the room; repeating to herself) It's just a rubber snake; it's just a rubber snake; it's just a rubber snake... (sees DARIA holding the rubber snake) SNAKE! (runs out of room screaming) 96 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, JANET BARCH'S SCIENCE CLASS. MS. BARCH is the science teacher, angry, hardened by experience, brimming with fury, ready to take it out on anyone remotely like those who've wronged her. DARIA (with reading glasses), BRITTANY, UPCHUCK, MACK, JODIE, and KEVIN, among others, are present besides MS. BARCH. MS. BARCH This year every student will be expected to do a science project in which they will be divided into groups of two and attempt to do an experiment. And I mean an experiment, not a report. That means you cannot make a volcano or model of the Solar system. KEVIN raises his hand. MS. BARCH Yes, Kevin? KEVIN Can I make a clay model of a dolphin? MS. BARCH No, you idiot scum! That's not an experiment! (calmer) Kevin, Daria will be your lab partner. BRITTANY What!? MS. BARCH (to DARIA) Keep an eye on the boy and make sure he learns something. BRITTANY But, Ms. Barch, Kevvy and I have never been separated on a lab project before! MS. BARCH Ah, who cares? You'll be better off without him, the slime-ball. Charles will be your partner, Brittany. From him you'll learn faster why all men are scum. BRITTANY But, Ms. Barch, he's disgusting! UPCHUCK I'm ready to put aside my disgust if you are. KEVIN (to DARIA) Psst! I'll pay you to do my part of the work. DARIA Don't even think of dumping everything on me, you creep. MS. BARCH Shut up, Mack! MACK looks surprised. 97 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA. At one table, DARIA, JANE, ANDREA, TRENT, and JESSE are talking, the first two sitting right beside each other, the others across from them with ANDREA between the two guys. DARIA's elbow can be seen brushing against JANE's. DARIA ... So now Kevin's my lab partner. ANDREA My condolences. JANE Next best thing to working alone. DARIA I know. He offered to pay me if I did his half of the work. TRENT Don't worry about it; last year Ms. Barch stuck me with Brooke as a lab partner. Once I figured out how to manipulate her, it was easy enough to make her do her share of the work. JESSE Maybe you could get a squeeze toy to distract him. DARIA That would defeat the whole point of torturing him by making him do his fair share. Besides, his squeeze toy is working with Upchuck. JANE (sighs) Poor Upchuck. DARIA Poor Upchuck? If it wasn't for him, the rate of women entering convents would be cut in half. TRENT Brittany knows karate. DARIA Ah. KEVIN approaches. KEVIN Hey, Daria. Mind if we do this experiment at your house? My cable's broken. DARIA Forget it, Kevin. We're doing it at the Mall of the Millennium... 98 CUT TO: ANOTHER TABLE, where QUINN and SANDI are talking to UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK I'm glad you came to me, ladies. "Treachery" is my middle name. SANDI So you will help us? QUINN Knowing him, he's probably got his own plans. UPCHUCK (smiling) I do. I myself yearn to woo the fair Daria, which is clearly impossible while Trent is in the picture. SANDI You want to date a nerd? You must be some sort of sicko. UPCHUCK I can appreciate aspects of a woman you obviously neglect. And do try to imagine what she'd look like with a makeover, maybe a-- QUINN We don't need the details. Do what you want with Daria; we just want your cooperation. UPCHUCK That you shall have. 99 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. TRENT is reading from DARIA's tablet computer as she sits patiently waiting. TRENT (as he finishes reading) Not bad. It would make great lyrics. DARIA Thanks. (beat) Hey, what time is it? TRENT (checking his watch) About seven o'clock. DARIA Damn. I've got to go home. I'm meeting Kevin there before we go to the Mall of the Millennium to start work on our science project. TRENT My sympathies. (beat) Oh, before you go, Mystic Spiral's got a gig this Saturday night at Kevin's house. I was wondering (beat) if you'd care to come. DARIA (thought only) Yes! (beat) So tell him! (aloud) Sure. TRENT Great! Pick you up around six? DARIA Sure. 100 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. DARIA (very impatient) and QUINN are watching Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show. Enter JAKE. JAKE Daria, I heard that you're working with Kevin Thompson on a science project. Isn't he the quarterback of the football team? QUINN He and Daria will make a cute couple. DARIA We will not! JAKE Why don't you tell me about it, kiddo? DARIA Why? JAKE Because I'm interested in seeing you do well here in Lawndale. DARIA That doesn't explain-- JAKE (not wanting to go there) Quinn, how was your day? QUINN So-so. First, Mr. DiMartino gave my paper on Cleopatra an A, though he didn't have a clue as to what it was about, the moron. Then Ms. Barch assigned me to work with Tiffany on a science project; we've decided to study hypnotism. JAKE OK... QUINN You can be a subject if you want. JAKE Uh, no. What are you going to be studying Daria? DARIA We're going to study how behavior is affected by sex. JAKE Say what!? DARIA We're going to glue a quarter to the floor at the Mall of the Millennium and study the proportions of males and females who try to pick it up. JAKE Why? DARIA Because Ms. Barch is a rabid man-hater, and it's been well-established that no matter how stupid the project, if it makes males look bad, she'll love it. In other words, it's really an experiment in what sort of nonsense we can pull on Ms. Barch. From what I've heard, most of the science projects are similarly conceived. JAKE Uh, yeah. (looking for something else to talk about) Maybe if you and Kevin work well together, he'll want to include you in his circle of friends. DARIA I hope not. Kevin's about as stupid as Beavis and Butt-Head. Doorbell rings. QUINN Door! Phone rings. JAKE Phone! QUINN runs to door and opens it, revealing KEVIN. QUINN Hey, Kevin. KEVIN (walking into the house) Hi, Quinn. QUINN Daria's been really looking forward to working with you. KEVIN Cool. (walks up to DARIA) Hey, Daria! I'm ready to do this quarter thing. QUINN I hope you two are very happy together. (singsong) Don't do anything I wouldn't do. (exits towards upstairs) DARIA Come on, Kevin. Let's go. KEVIN (noticing the TV set) Hey! Do you have cable? (picks up remote and turns on TV) Cool! The Pigskin Channel! Good thing I have nothing planned! DARIA What about the experiment? KEVIN Uh, what about it? DARIA We're supposed to go to the mall to work on it. KEVIN While football is on? DARIA The Pigskin Channel shows football twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You can watch it another time. KEVIN So? DARIA (sighs) I guess we'll have to do this the hard way. 101 CUT TO: EXT. THE HOUSE. DARIA drop-kicks KEVIN out the front door. KEVIN (landing on the grass) Oof! 102 INT. THE RUTTHEIMER HOUSE, THE GARAGE. UPCHUCK is present, working on a computer whose screen hangs on the wall. Enter BRITTANY. UPCHUCK Welcome to Chuck's House of Earthly Delights, my sweet. Don't worry: this torrid affair shall remain our little secret, as it must. BRITTANY Listen, Upchuck: you come near me, and-- UPCHUCK I don't think Kevin's a threat at all; he's busy now with Daria, and I'm sure they'll be very happy together. But you're right: passion can wait until later. As I'm more inclined in the brain department here, I've taken the liberty of designing our experiment. You will find your costume-- BRITTANY Costume! What are you planning, Upchuck? UPCHUCK It's very simple, Brittany. We're going to study the perceptions of men when they encounter women in highly desirable states. Condition one will be you dressed as a streetwalker. You can find your costume hanging in the bathroom, toots. You can change into your costume there--or in front of me, if you like. BRITTANY Excuse me. I am not going to wear sleazy costumes and-- UPCHUCK But the sleazy costumes are to find out how dress affects people's perceptions of us, a legitimate avenue of psychological research. BRITTANY Then you dress up like a slut if you really want to "research" it! UPCHUCK Oh, my fragile petal, either you dress up as I tell you to, or I tell everyone about (producing a picture of BRITTANY making out with SAM STACKS) this. BRITTANY gasps, then attacks UPCHUCK with a karate move. UPCHUCK, however, is also skilled in the martial arts and blocks the attack, though he has to drop the picture. The two continue martial arts moves while talking. UPCHUCK Isn't that Sam Stacks, quarterback for (beat) Oakwood, our rival? BRITTANY Kevin and I broke up that week! How did you get that, pervert? UPCHUCK (evil laugh) No one has secrets from me around here! Just the excuse Kevin needs to dump you for Daria. BRITTANY is unnerved a bit, giving UPCHUCK an opportunity to knock her to the floor. UPCHUCK Don't mess with a black belt, Brittany. (beat) You can find costume number one in the bathroom. BRITTANY (picking herself up) What? UPCHUCK Down the hall, first door on the left. You can keep the picture, if you like; I have the digital original safely hidden away with multiple backups. BRITTANY storms off. UPCHUCK (evil laugh) God, how I love experimentation! 103 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, THE LIVING ROOM. QUINN is swinging a pocket watch back and forth in front of AXL's face as TIFFANY looks on. QUINN Concentrate on the watch. AXL I don't get what I'm supposed to do. QUINN Just concentrate on the watch. Think of nothing else. AXL Why? TIFFANY Trust Quinn. She's smart and knows about things like hypnotism. AXL You're going to make me think I'm a chicken or something? QUINN Don't be silly, Axl. Just watch the watch and let it fill your mind. AXL Well-- Doorbell rings. QUINN (handing TIFFANY the watch) Take over while I see who it is. TIFFANY If you say so. QUINN walks over to the door and opens it, revealing BRITTANY in a sleazy outfit. (Let the costume designer go crazy being creative.) QUINN Good God, Brittany! There's a difference between attractive and slimy! You look like a-- BRITTANY Don't say it! Upchuck's making me wear this outfit to see how people react to me wearing it. QUINN I never thought he'd do something that cruel. BRITTANY Is Kevin here? QUINN No. He and Daria are busy right now with their experiment. I think they went somewhere private to study "anatomy and physiology". BRITTANY What? QUINN You know, the human body and how it works. BRITTANY That's ridiculous! My Kevvy would never cheat on me with Daria! QUINN Well, that's the truth, whether you like it or not. Can't spare anymore time with you. I'm in the middle of working on my own science project. BRITTANY But-- QUINN Gotta go! (slams door, walks back over to TIFFANY and AXL) How's it going? TIFFANY I think he's under. QUINN Axl, can you hear me? AXL (zombielike) Yes, Quinn. QUINN When I snap my fingers, you will wake up. And when you wake up, you will be a chicken... 104 INT. THE MALL OF THE MILLENNIUM, RIGHT IN FRONT OF SCHNEKEN CITY. Schneken City is a restaurant specializing in German food. DARIA is gluing a quarter to the floor a few meters away from KEVIN. Each has a computer. DARIA OK, Kevin, let's go over this one more time from the top. What are you supposed to do? KEVIN Watch people walk by and try to pick up the quarter. DARIA Good. And? KEVIN Write down if they're male or female. DARIA Very good, Kevin. And what will happen if you don't follow my instructions? KEVIN Uh, you'll drop-kick me? DARIA Excellent. Now I'm going to go steer some people this way, so stay here and do what I told you to do. KEVIN Yes, ma'am. Enter JODIE and MACK, pretending to carry a large pane of glass. They head for KEVIN and DARIA. KEVIN Hey, Mack, Jodie! Can't you see you're heading for us? MACK and JODIE do not respond, but continue allegedly carrying glass. KEVIN Hey! (drops to the floor in order to not be hit by the alleged glass) DARIA (as the alleged glass passes through her) Ouch. You've cut me into a thousand bloody pieces with that thing. Good thing my aunt's a lawyer. I'm going to sue you for everything you've got. Exit MACK and JODIE. KEVIN (getting up) I don't get it, Daria. You're not hurt at all. DARIA There was no glass, Kevin. Probably it was part of Jodie and Mack's science project. KEVIN But I saw it! DARIA sighs. Enter BRITTANY, still in the sleazy outfit. BRITTANY There you are! What are you doing here? KEVIN Hello, gorgeous! Wanna go out with me? BRITTANY You idiot, we're already going out! KEVIN (Gears start turning in his head.) Brittany! You really ought to dress like that more often. BRITTANY Are you crazy? Upchuck's making me wear this for our science project. He wants to see how people react when I'm dressed like this. KEVIN I like it! BRITTANY Oogh! DARIA This is all very nice, Brittany, but Kevin and I have work to do. KEVIN Daria needs me. Can't do it without me, you know. Enter UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK Come on, Brittany. I want us to get in a few hours today. BRITTANY But-- UPCHUCK Now. BRITTANY Ugh, alright, I'm going. (to DARIA) I'm warning you, Miss Smartness, don't try anything with my Kevvy, or I'll break your legs! (tries to pick up the quarter and fails) What'd you do to this thing? UPCHUCK clears his throat. BRITTANY Never mind! Exit BRITTANY and UPCHUCK. KEVIN That's one female? DARIA Correct. 105 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, TRENT'S ROOM--NIGHT. The lights are out, and TRENT is asleep on the bed. The phone rings four times. Pause a moment. JANE kicks open the door and turns on the light. JANE (very unhappy) Trent! Wake up! TRENT (not particularly conscious) Honestly, officer, I'm twenty-one! I can legally drink alcohol! JANE Wake up, Trent! Phone call for you, Mr. Night-Owl! TRENT (a bit more conscious) What'd you say? JANE Phone call (beat) for you (beat) now! TRENT Oh. (picks up phone as JANE kisses him on the forehead and exits) Hello? 106 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: WITH SOMEONE IN A DARKENED ROOM. mystery person (in a whispery voice) Trent, this is (beat) a friend. TRENT Friends don't wake up friends in the middle of the night. mystery person This was the only time I could call. Listen: Daria's doing more with Kevin than running a rat through a maze. TRENT And you know this because... mystery person Trust me. I have it on good authority. TRENT Who is this? Pounding on mystery person's wall. mystery person Gotta go. (hangs up) 107 COLLAPSE TO: JUST THE MYSTERY PERSON'S ROOM. DARIA (out of view) Can't you limit your blabbing to the daytime? The mystery person turns her head so that more light shines on it, revealing her to be QUINN (in "sunglasses"). QUINN (irritated) OK, OK! Good night, Daria. 108 INT. PIZZA KING. DARIA and JANE are sharing pizza. JANE Ha! You call that an experiment? That is so uninspired. DARIA OK, cutie, what are you and Matthew doing? JANE Testing the sensitivity of idiots to pain. Mind if I borrow your partner for a few hours, cutie? I won't permanently damage him. Enter BRITTANY, who walks up to DARIA, and JANE. BRITTANY tries a karate kick on DARIA, but the latter moves fast enough that the former only manages to demolish a chair. BRITTANY (to DARIA) Quinn told me all about what you were doing with Kevin last night, and you know very well I caught you red-handed! "Daria needs me. Can't do it without me, you know." If you think you can take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. Because he's my Kevin, and you're a geek. DARIA You can keep your boyfriend. JANE Or it is former boyfriend? DARIA Shut up, Jane. I don't need you ganging up with Quinn against me. BRITTANY Aha! So you are trying to steal my Kevvy away from me! DARIA I was not! Most of the time I wasn't closer than five meters from him. You can go ask the people at Schneken City; they're in on the whole experiment. BRITTANY Alright, you, you nerd! You may have an alibi now, but if I ever find out you really are trying to steal my Kevvy-- JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE walk up. BRITTANY (trying to look innocent) Hi, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie. JEFFY Hey, Daria, Kevin told us something today we got to just ask you about. He said that what they say about chicks who wear reading glasses really is true. Did you really prove it to him last night? DARIA has a look which says, "Who put this stupid idea in their heads?" BRITTANY demolishes another chair and storms away and soon comes near a table where MACK and JODIE are sitting. JODIE Brittany? Are you alright? MACK Do you need to talk about something? BRITTANY (slumping down in a chair) It's Daria! She's trying to steal Kevin away from me! How can I compete with her? I don't wear reading glasses! JODIE Daria doesn't seem too interested in Kevin, and in any case, I doubt she would care to fight you for him. With your karate skills, you'd eliminate the competition. BRITTANY gets a thoughtful look on her face as DARIA tosses the 3 Js in succession across the room. 109 INT. THE MALL OF THE MILLENNIUM. Among the light foot traffic are JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE, all walking together as a group. They all seem nervous being around each other. JOEY You guys want to talk about something? JEFFY I don't know; about like what? JOEY Like, have you been asked to do anything? JEFFY What kind of things? JOEY You know... things. JEFFY Well... uh... JAMIE What the Hell-- 110 REVERSE ANGLE TO: BRITTANY WEARING A GOLD BIKINI AS FROM STAR WARS, EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI. She looks irritated at everything as she stands in front of J. J. Jeeters, a clothing store she would never deign to shop in. 111 REVERSE ANGLE TO: PREVIOUS. JOEY (smiling) New topic, guys. JEFFY (raises one eyebrow) Am I imagining, or is Brittany turning into a street-walker? JAMIE (peering) Isn't that what the chick in that movie wore, the one with all the makeup? JEFFY Wrong episode, Jeremiah. You're thinking about the Kabuki outfit from Episode One. The gold bikini is from Episode Six. JAMIE I'm Jamie! JOEY How do you think she'd look in the thing from Episode Four? JEFFY That would cover her from the neck down. JOEY I'm only talking about from the neck up. JEFFY You're worse than Upchuck, Joey. JOEY Thank you, Jeff. Shall we? JEFFY You're on your own. JOEY Afraid she'll hurt your foot? JEFFY (irritated) Do not go there. JOEY Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm going for it. JAMIE But Kevin will kill you! JOEY He's oblivious. Besides, before he finds out, they'll break up anyway. JEFFY You're on your own, Joey. JOEY (straightening his collar) Stand tight and watch the master at work. 112 REVERSE ANGLE TO: BRITTANY. JOEY approaches BRITTANY, who looks irritated when she finally deigns to look at him. JOEY Hey, Britt. BRITTANY And you want? JOEY I just wanted to tell you how wonderful you're looking. BRITTANY (smiles) Interesting. Did you run away from home? I don't see Quinn's dog collar around your neck. JOEY turns and walks away, humiliated. JEFFY and JAMIE are laughing at him when he returns to them. JEFFY What did she say, Joey? JOEY (turning back to JEFFY and JAMIE) Do not go there. JOEY resumes walking away, with JEFFY and JAMIE laughing themselves silly. 113 INT. THE MALL OF THE MILLENNIUM, IN FRONT OF SPORTS SHORTS. Sports Shorts is a store specializing in shorts for sports. BRITTANY (wearing that gold bikini) is standing there being harassed by male passersby. UPCHUCK is standing a distance away observing and taking notes. One male passerby too many whistles at BRITTANY. BRITTANY That's it! I've had it! (starts storming away) UPCHUCK (following) Brittany! Come back here this instant! We're not finished with the experiment! BRITTANY (turning to face UPCHUCK) I've had enough of your degrading "experiment"! I'm not going to stand around for another moment having my butt slapped by rude guys, especially while Daria is stealing my Kevin! UPCHUCK Do you want Kevin to see you-know-what? BRITTANY pulls a karate move on UPCHUCK that he is unable to successfully defend himself against. UPCHUCK collapses on the ground. BRITTANY Show it to anyone, and I'd do that to you everyday for the rest of your life! UPCHUCK tries to get up but collapses again. BRITTANY Thank you, great karate guru Janet Barch! We follow BRITTANY as she moves quickly through the mall. She encounters MACK and JODIE pretending to carry around a pane of glass, and she punches said alleged glass before marching between them. Eventually she comes to Schneken City, where KEVIN is standing around waiting for people to try to pick up the quarter glued to the ground. KEVIN Hi, babe! BRITTANY Hi. Is this what you're taking data on? KEVIN Uh, yeah... BRITTANY (smiling) Good. (spitefully takes KEVIN's computer, throws it on the floor, smashing it) Have fun with your experiment. (starts walking away, her face and body language expressing joy) KEVIN Hey, babe! Exit BRITTANY. KEVIN, a bit dazed, soon follows. As soon as BRITTANY and KEVIN are out of sight, we move around a corner to where DARIA has been observing KEVIN and is now writing on a computer. 114 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, MS. BARCH'S SCIENCE CLASS. Many pairs of students have impressive-looking charts. MS. BARCH Brittany, Charles, you're up. UPCHUCK displays a complex-looking chart. UPCHUCK Well-- MS. BARCH Brittany, can you describe your experiment? BRITTANY I never finished the experiment because-- UPCHUCK Please, Ms. Barch, let me-- MS. BARCH Charles, shut your miserable, cheating mouth! Brittany, continue. BRITTANY That despicable Upchuck made me dress up in sleazy clothing so he could see how people reacted to it! It made me feel so dirty! I couldn't stand it, not with Daria trying to steal away my Kevin! Upchuck's nothing but an evil slime-ball! UPCHUCK (to BRITTANY) You idiot! We rehearsed what you were supposed to say if Ms. Barch asked you any questions! Why didn't you just follow the script? MS. BARCH Shut up, you male-chauvinist pig! Charles, you fail. UPCHUCK Argh! MS. BARCH Brittany, you've finally learned that all men are scum, so you pass. Daria, Kevin? 115 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. DARIA In conclusion, Brittany is an unusually paranoid idiot, easily tricked by fairly flimsy circumstantial evidence and pure rumor into believing that she was in danger of losing her equally stupid, but much more oblivious, boyfriend. Such gullibility is distressing to all womankind; it is recommended that she begin counseling immediately so that she may become independent of moronic loser guys. MS. BARCH Very good, Daria. You get an A. KEVIN Alright! MS. BARCH Not you, you lazy bum, abandoning your post! You get a D. KEVIN Oh. 116 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. TRENT and DARIA are walking together. DARIA ... And the weird thing is that even though the experiment was ruined, Ms. Barch still gave me an A. TRENT What did she give Kevin? DARIA A D. TRENT Figures. She's been a monster ever since her husband dumped her for someone twenty years younger. Won't pass a guy now unless he works twice as hard. Good thing that was right after I had her for biology or I'd be dead by now. DARIA Yeah. TRENT We still on for Saturday night? DARIA Sure. Enter JODIE. JODIE Hey, you guys, you want to sign up to be in the school talent show? DARIA Are you kidding? TRENT Sign us and all of Mystic Spiral up. DARIA What? What could motivate anyone to participate in such a travesty of performing art? JODIE Besides the prize of five tickets to Alternapalooza for first place? And that Ms. Li is making it mandatory for students who don't enter as contestants to buy tickets? You weren't here last year, Daria. 117 CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM. KEVIN is on stage singing into a microphone. KEVIN ... Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-five bottles of beer! Take one down. Pass it around. Ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall! 118 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO and several other teachers are sitting there. JODIE (voice over) Mr. DiMartino happened to be one of the judges, so he couldn't simply leave, as many did. So he had a heart attack. MR. DIMARTINO grasps his chest overdramatically and collapses in pain on the floor. 119 SMASH CUT TO: EXT. A HOSPITAL. An ambulance pulls up at the curb, and MR. DIMARTINO is unloaded from the ambulance on a stretcher as JODIE's narration continues. JODIE (voice over) Mr. DiMartino had to have emergency bypass surgery. He almost died. 120 CUT TO: PRESENT. TRENT A voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't scared stiff yet, and he couldn't bear let a student kill him. This year he's more determined than ever to survive the talent show. DARIA Count me in then. 121 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. QUINN is talking on the phone. QUINN Yeah. (beat) Uh-huh. (beat) Uh-huh. (beat) Now tell me about the other six guys he was with. (call waiting beep) Hold on. I've got another call. 122 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: WITH JANE IN HER BEDROOM. QUINN Hello? JANE This is Jane. Is Daria there? QUINN Naah. She went to buy a new pair of combat boots. JANE Kevin moved his party up to tonight because his parents will be back in town tomorrow. Tell her that Trent will pick her up tonight at six. QUINN Yeah, yeah. (beat) Oh, wait. Daria told me that Kevin told her directly about the change in plans himself, and she'll be getting her own transportation over to Kevin's after she gets those new boots. She wants to look good for her boyfriend tonight. JANE Oh, really? I suspected she'd start at the other end, though. Oh well. QUINN hangs up. 123 COLLAPSE TO: JUST QUINN. QUINN has a wicked grin on her face. 124 INT. THE THOMPSON HOUSE. TRENT, ANDREA, and JESSE are setting up. JANE (wearing a black leather dress, black gloves, and clear plastic high-heeled shoes) is pacing impatiently. Various students, including football players, cheerleaders, and the Fashion Club sans STACY, are talking among themselves. TRENT (approaching JANE) You did tell Daria about the change in plans? JANE Of course. I called her house and left a message with (beat, points to an approaching QUINN) her. QUINN Hello, Trent. I just wanted to apologize for my cousin Daria. She chickens out of things from time to time when it's "convenient". TRENT What!? QUINN Daria said she met this really cool guy named Ted--which means he must be a real geek--and they decided to go out for pizza and video games. (walks away) TRENT Damn! (storms away) JANE Trent! JANE picks up a phone and dials. 125 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: WITH DARIA (IN A BLACK DRESS) IN HER BEDROOM. DARIA Hello? JANE Daria, it's Jane. Quinn "conveniently forgot" to tell you Kevin moved the party up to tonight and made up something about you running off with Ted. DARIA Considering her behavior towards me lately, she would do that. Who's Ted? JANE Forget Ted! Get over here right now, doll! Trent's ready to flip! DARIA Damn! Jake and Helen are out, and they've taken both cars. JANE Then take a bus! DARIA Fine. (hangs up phone and runs out) 126 EXT. THE STREETS OF LAWNDALE. DARIA is running towards a bus stop. UPCHUCK drives up in his car. UPCHUCK Need a ride, Daria? DARIA What the Hell are you doing here? UPCHUCK I'm like Superman: I'm always ready to help a damsel in distress. DARIA Remind me to find some Kryptonite. UPCHUCK Ooh! Feisty! But do you need a ride or not? DARIA stands there thoughtfully for a moment. 127 INT. THE THOMPSON HOUSE. The party is turning into a social disaster, practically everyone at the previous party present (besides DARIA and UPCHUCK, of course), with the notable exceptions of STACY and TED. TRENT is playing blues instrumentals badly, causing people to yell at KEVIN. JESSE looks very dissatisfied. ANDREA is absorbed in TRENT's playing. BRITTANY Jane, you've got to do something! People are threatening Kevin! JANE It can't be that bad. BRITTANY They're threatening to hit him over the head with the beer keg! JANE (sighs) I'll see what I can do. JANE picks up the phone and dials. Ringing is heard and then the sound of someone picking up. JANE Ted? This is Jane. (beat) No, that was someone else who got caught with Brittany in the back seat of a Taurus. I'm the artistic girl. (beat) Yes, I did create the scenery for last year's spring dance. Glad you liked the pictures. I need you to get over to Kevin's house ASAP. (beat) That means "as soon as possible". (beat) Because Quinn told Trent that Daria ran off with you, and he's about to do something stupid. (beat) I don't care if you're busy! I don't care if you don't have any pants on! Put some pants on and get down here with anyone who happens to be there with you! (beat) Fifteen Cherry Lane, and hurry! Trent's playing the blues, and you don't want to know what that means. (beat) He's a rock musician! He hasn't a clue how to play the blues right! We're nearing riot conditions! (hangs up phone) What is it with the people around here? ANDREA (to TRENT) Don't worry, Spiderman. You may not have Daria, but you've still got me. TRENT is oblivious of ANDREA. 128 INT. UPCHUCK'S CAR. UPCHUCK has a smug look on his face. DARIA is irritated. DARIA Aren't we going in the wrong direction? I thought Cherry Lane was back (gestures) that way. UPCHUCK Worry not, my sweet flower. Charles Ruttheimer the Third has the situation under control. DARIA (opens her purse, puts on her glasses, and consults a palmtop computer) Hey! This is the wrong way! What are you trying to pull? UPCHUCK Only trying to give you the most unforgettable evening of your life. DARIA Pull over, or I'll give you the most unforgettable evening of your life! UPCHUCK Please, this is not the place. Let us reach the make-out spot first. DARIA That's not what I meant. (punches UPCHUCK) UPCHUCK Ow! DARIA That's what I meant. (brandishes fist menacingly) Now pull over before I beat you silly! UPCHUCK OK, OK. What's with you crazy chicks, anyway? 129 CUT TO: EXT. UPCHUCK'S CAR. The car pulls over to the curb. 130 CUT TO: INT. UPCHUCK's CAR. DARIA Now get out. UPCHUCK What? DARIA Get out. (punches UPCHUCK again) UPCHUCK Ow! I think I'll get out of the car. (gets out of the car) Now what? DARIA (moving into the driver's seat and shutting the door) I appropriate your vehicle. UPCHUCK What!? DARIA Enjoy walking. 131 CUT TO: EXT. UPCHUCK'S CAR. DARIA drives off in the car. UPCHUCK Ooh! Feisty! 132 INT. THE THOMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. ANDREA has taken off her Goth makeup and looks marginally happy as she plays with TRENT's hair. TRENT is still playing the blues badly and paying no attention to ANDREA. TED and STACY enter through the front door. They look like they have gotten dressed in a hurry, and their hair is messed up. JANE approaches. JANE What took you two so long? TED We, uh, went walking through the corn in my front yard, and we fell down. JANE Uh, yeah. STACY (hushed) Just don't tell anyone! JANE (to TRENT) Trent, stop playing that poor excuse for the blues and get your butt over here! TRENT doesn't hear JANE. JANE Jesse! JESSE confiscates TRENT's guitar. ANDREA Hey! I was listening to that! JESSE drags TRENT over to JANE, TED, and STACY. ANDREA follows. TRENT What? JANE (gesturing towards TED) Do you know who this guy is? TRENT Ted Dewitt-Clinton, scum of the Earth. TED That's a very interesting expression, Trent. JANE And he got here with this girl who wishes to remain nameless (indicates STACY) just a minute ago from, uh, falling down. STACY (quietly) I told you not to tell! TRENT Uh-huh. Then where's Daria? Enter DARIA, brandishing UPCHUCK's car keys. TRENT falls onto a love-seat out of surprise. ANDREA falls on her butt in shock. DARIA Sorry I'm late. The Attention-Slut apparently forgot to tell me of the change in plans. Who wants a free car? (throws keys into the crowd) ARTIE (catches the keys) Thanks! Now I have something to go to the UFO convention next week in! (exits to try out his new wheels) ANDREA Damn! Damn! Damn! I'm never going to get out of this Goth phase! (stands up, picks up the punch bowl, dumps it over SANDI's head) SANDI Hey! What was that for, Goth girl? DARIA sits down next to TRENT. TED and STACY tuck themselves into a corner and commence making-out. SANDI storms away with TIFFANY in tow. TRENT After you didn't show up, I started going crazy. DARIA You didn't really believe that thing Jane mentioned to me about Ted Quinn was claiming? TRENT I didn't know what to believe. I've been burned pretty badly a few times. I wouldn't mind the idea so much, except... DARIA Yes? TRENT You aren't like anyone I've met before. DARIA Oh? TRENT Even Andrea. ANDREA (approaches) You simply weren't up to the challenge, Trent. The loss is yours. (walks away towards the bathroom) TRENT Andrea may be unconventional, but she's too obsessed with being unhappy. You, on the other hand, are a lot (beat) deeper. DARIA looks moved. TRENT You're smart; you're witty; you're creative. You care about things that actually matter. The thought of losing someone like that is (beat) unsettling. DARIA You don't have to worry. Practically everyone in Highland was an idiot. There simply wasn't anyone there I would have been able to practice Quinn and Sandi's vices on. I can promise you that I'm not going to risk losing you if I can help it. TRENT Thanks. 133 FOCUS ON: SANDI AND QUINN AT THE FRONT DOOR as TRENT hugs DARIA and goes back to playing guitar, still solo, but this time something decent. Various people start dancing to the music. SANDI Oh, like that really worked out, "Brains" Michaelis. QUINN He's a rather unique person to deal with. I've been working on him since the beginning of the school year, and he's still not under my spell. I'd like to see you do better. SANDI Alright, I accept your challenge. He'll never know what hit him. MONIQUE (approaching) I bet one hundred dollars, twenty-to-one odds, that whatever you do, at worst they'll be apart for no more than two weeks. SANDI Who asked you, traitor? MONIQUE shrugs and walks away. TIFFANY approaches with a towel. SANDI (grabbing the towel) Took you long enough. TIFFANY Sorry. SANDI If anyone needs me--and they'd better not while I'm still soaked--I'll be outside. (exits) 134 CUT TO: ANDREA AND HEATHER. HEATHER Look on the bright side, Andrea. ANDREA There's a bright side? I just lost Trent again! I'm going back to being Goth! What's the bright side? HEATHER Look over there. (points) 135 CUT TO: JODIE AND MACK. MACK is wearing a suit shiny enough that were he outside, deer seeing it would stare, oblivious to the possibility of being run over by a car. HEATHER (out of view) You still don't look as bad as Mack does in that suit. ANDREA (out of view) Hmm. 136 CUT TO: DARIA, who is leaning against a wall close to JANE, watching people dance. DARIA Can I ask you something? JANE Well, technically he's my stepbrother--his dad, my mom, they got married after both were divorced, big Brady Bunch thing--so I don't think it would hurt me to tell you, yes, he is huge. DARIA OK... Not what I was asking, but that's always good to know. I was curious about the outfit you were wearing. It looks like something Quinn would wear. JANE Quinn wouldn't wear this. It's too scary for her tastes. DARIA So why that? JANE I'm just treating my whole life as art, including how I dress. I paint executions and atrocities in class to scare Ms. Defoe, and I wear this to scare the Fashion Club and other like-minded people. DARIA Not your parents? JANE They wouldn't care if I posed nude for Bachelor Confidential. DARIA And the gloves are for better traction with Jesse, right? JANE Of course. DARIA So what about the shoes? They can't be comfortable. JANE You'll see in about five seconds, sweetie. UPCHUCK enters through the front door and approaches. UPCHUCK Hello, ladies. My, Jane, aren't you looking hot this evening... JANE brings her heel sharply down on UPCHUCK's foot. She smiles. UPCHUCK (grabbing his foot, hopping away) God damn! Daughter of a bitch! JANE See, they're utilitarian after all. DARIA I stand corrected. UPCHUCK (out of view) Rowr! Feisty! DARIA Beep beep. It's the Soul Train. All aboard. Everybody watch Upchuck dance. QUINN notices STACY and TED and marches up to them, visibly angry. QUINN (grabbing STACY by the collar) Didn't Sandi and I tell you something about you and this geek? TED gives QUINN something that looks like the Vulcan neck pinch, causing QUINN to gasp and release STACY. TED It's amazing what you can do when you've studied kung fu for ten years. A closet door flies off of its hinges, and BRITTANY (looking a bit mussed up and angry enough to eat nails) storms out, soon followed by KEVIN (who is similarly mussed up). This is enough to stop the music and any dancing. STACY and TED take the opportunity to make a hasty exit. KEVIN Aw, babe! What did I do? BRITTANY You called out Monique's name while we were (realizing that lots of people are looking at them) making out, and you wonder what you did? Maybe I should go back to seeing Jane! At least she could get me off every time! JANE (to DARIA) You bet I can! BRITTANY hits KEVIN with her purse, storms out of the house, slams door loudly. KEVIN (following) But, babe... DARIA (to JANE) You? With Brittany? JANE I know, I should be ashamed of myself. DARIA You should be. That's so disgusting, having sex with one of the popular, stupid people. JANE I'd like to see you resist that perky bounciness right after your ex-boyfriend dumps you. HEATHER (quietly, to MONIQUE) You didn't say it would take this long for a fight to break out between them. MONIQUE (quietly, to HEATHER, shrugging) Sometimes it works that way. JANE (to DARIA) You, of course, know what this means, hon. ANDREA (pushing her way between JANE and DARIA) Fight! Fight! Fight! A group of people, including DARIA, JANE, JOEY, MACK, and ANDREA follows the idiots out front to observe them arguing outside. We follow them through the front door to find them streaming past SANDI, who is rather unnerved and drops the towel. KEVIN But, babe, you know I keep getting names wrong! DARIA (to JANE) Why else does he keep calling her "babe"? BRITTANY Don't lie to me Kevin! I've seen you looking at other women! Last week it was you talking to Quinn, and you were staring at Tiffany the week before! DARIA (to JANE) And last Tuesday he was having naughty thoughts while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. KEVIN I wasn't-- BRITTANY Don't lie to me, Kevin! (noticing DARIA, pointing) And her, you've been looking at her a lot! JANE (to DARIA, singsong) You're in trouble! BRITTANY (approaching DARIA) You better stay away from my Kevvy, you vixen! JANE And your little dog, too! DARIA (deadpan) I have seen the error of my ways and will abide. BRITTANY And as for you, Kevvy-- (knocks over KEVIN with a flying kick, stomps off) The onlookers cheer loudly. ANDREA Yes! MACK and JOEY help KEVIN up as people start to file back into the house. MACK Come on, Kevin. Let's get a cold compress on that thick head of yours. KEVIN (obviously delirious) Mommy? 137 CUT TO: SANDI, who gives indications that she's getting an idea. TIFFANY (approaching SANDI) Looks like you've just gotten an idea of how to handle the Stacy situation. SANDI Not the Stacy situation. The Daria situation. 138 EXT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE--NIGHT. The Tank pulls up to the curb. DARIA gets out of the Tank. DARIA (softly) Thanks for the ride. TRENT No problem. Take care. DARIA Bye. (closes door) The Tank drives off. DARIA approaches the house and enters through the front door. We follow her through the front door to reveal HELEN and JAKE sitting on the sofa. HELEN And where have you been, young lady? Do you have any idea what time it is? DARIA I didn't know I had a curfew. JAKE You've never stayed out this late before! I bet you were with that Satanic head-banger Trent somewhere, doing God-knows-what! DARIA I haven't been here long enough for you to have much of an idea how late I stay out. I was at a party at Kevin's house. Trent was there, but he's neither Satanic nor a head-banger, and the worst he did to me was hug me. JAKE Is that what they're calling it now? I'll kill the bastard! HELEN Calm down, Jake! You don't want to have another heart attack. JAKE The point is that you were out way too late. DARIA (checking her watch) It's about ten-thirty. Quinn usually doesn't get in until eleven-thirty at least. JAKE That's not the point! DARIA Quinn put you two up to this, didn't she? HELEN We're just trying to set boundaries, make sure you don't grow up too wild. DARIA You're worried about me, the Misery Chick, growing up too wild? JAKE Hey! Stop questioning our authority! You're grounded for a month! DARIA (irritated) Fine. (walks out of living room and meets QUINN, wearing "sunglasses", who is leaning against a wall, drinking a diet soda, in the hall) You put them up to this; didn't you? QUINN (feigned innocence) I'm just making sure my cousin, the Misery Chick, doesn't grow up too wild. DARIA storms off towards her room. QUINN has a big smile on her face. 139 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. Various students are mulling about. PAVLOV is waxing the floor in the background. JOEY Man, this talent show is gonna be great! I say Mr. D goes down halfway into Upchuck's performance. DiMartino could never stand saxophones. MACK That's too late. He's gonna blow out at the first beyond-stupid act, while the adrenaline's high. Probably during something by Kevin. JODIE You guys are way off. First of all, Mr. DiMartino had Kevin banned from performing on the grounds that he's a health hazard. MACK Damn! I forgot about that! JODIE Mr. DiMartino's obviously training himself to withstand things as bad as he's familiar with. Otherwise there's no way Ms. Li could have talked him into being a judge this year. He's going to go down when someone hits him with something he's not prepared for. That's probably going to be Axl's twisted attempt at music. I hear he's working on an intentionally bad song, making for prime cramping time. 140 CUT TO: THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE. MR. DIMARTINO is watching something (we can't see what) on a computer and is looking extremely tense. computer I love you. You love me. We're a happy family! MR. DIMARTINO If I can withstand this, I can withstand anything! 141 CUT TO: THE HALLWAY. JODIE (to DARIA) Hey, Daria! What do you have in the DiMartino pool? DARIA I'm not going. I'm grounded. JODIE What did you do to get grounded? No offense intended. DARIA None taken--especially since it's just a bizarre experiment in justice on the part of my aunt and uncle. JOEY Why? DARIA I came home later than I've ever done before, and they felt I needed to be grounded "to set boundaries". JODIE Why would they do that? DARIA Quinn suggested it to them. They were just gullible enough to fall for it. 142 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA. KEVIN (looking very sad), JODIE, and MACK are sitting together at a table. KEVIN (barely touching his food) I still can't believe Brittany dumped me! MACK I still can't believe she ever agreed to see you again after the first time you two broke up. JODIE I still can't believe she ever dated you in the first place. MACK (to JODIE) Didn't they start dating because Axl told them that they each had the hots for the other? KEVIN (oblivious) Aw! Why do bad things like this happen to me? MACK Because you're too dense to think before you do something stupid in front of her? JODIE (by rote) And the only reason she ever comes back to you is because she's just as stupid as you are. And so sooner or later one of you caves in, you get back together, treat each other shabbily, and four or five weeks later one of you does something stupid again, repeating the cycle. You're worse than Trent and Monique were; they may have broken up every other week, but at least they've stayed broken up. KEVIN (oblivious) Thanks for being so understanding. JODIE and MACK sigh. Enter the Fashion Club. SANDI Kevin, there's something we think you should know: we have it on good authority that Daria has the hots for you. KEVIN Huh? SANDI She'd never admit it, but it's true. MACK What planet are you from? SANDI (ignoring MACK) Stacy caught her writing love poetry about you, Kevin. KEVIN Really? MACK (to JODIE) Ten dollars says he misunderstands what Sandi's claiming. JODIE You're on. SANDI (to MACK and JODIE) Would you two shut up? I'm trying to bring some sunshine into this poor boy's life. MACK and JODIE giggle and continue to do so as SANDI continues lying to KEVIN. SANDI And she was drawing pictures of you, Kevin, in Ms. Defoe's art class. KEVIN Wow. SANDI And, like, don't get me started on the doodles. KEVIN Really? SANDI And think about how she looks at you. KEVIN I never realized that. (stands up) Thanks, Sandi. I'm going to go ask her out right now! (walks away) JODIE (to MACK) Pay up. MACK (handing over two five-dollar bills) I guess his IQ is at least seventy-five after all. Now if only he was smart enough to see through this scam. SANDI It's not a scam. It's community service. JODIE You must have been arrested for being too kind and were sentenced to do ten evil deeds. MACK and JODIE laugh as the Fashion Club walk away. We follow the Fashion Club. STACY That was a really mean thing to do to Kevin, Sandi. Maybe you shouldn't have done that. SANDI Are you questioning my authority? STACY Uh, no? TIFFANY We've got to keep these geeks in their place, or the next thing you know they'll be running the country. There are always casualties in war. SANDI Well said, Tiffany. QUINN Too bad he's not going to get anywhere with Daria. Only a total imbecile would date him. SANDI Perhaps--but he might make enough of a pest of himself to be used as a wedge to get Trent away from her. KEVIN (out of view) Ow! What was that for? 143 CUT TO: ANOTHER TABLE, where DARIA, JANE, TRENT, ANDREA, and JESSE are sitting. KEVIN is nursing a black eye. DARIA I have no interest in you whatsoever. I do not want to go out with you, make out with you, or bear your love child. You're an insensitive idiot and can barely tie your own shoes. Go away before I feed you to a hungry shark. 144 CUT TO: THE FASHION CLUB. SANDI Phase two will be to drive this wedge in further... 145 INT. THE THOMPSON HOUSE, KEVIN'S ROOM, which is filled with football memorabilia. KEVIN is talking on the phone. KEVIN I mean it, Brittany. I may be an idiot, but I don't want any woman other than you. (beat) I get mixed up sometimes. (beat) I promise: it'll never happen again. (call-waiting beep) Rats! Got another call. Hold on. (switches to a different call) Hello? 146 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: WITH SANDI, the other members of the Fashion Club listening in, at the Griffin house, SANDI's room. SANDI Kevin, this is Sandi. KEVIN Not now! You're interrupting my talking to Brittany! SANDI Daria just confided in Quinn that she was scared to reveal how she feels about you in front of Jane. KEVIN Really? SANDI You really ought to go over to her house and tell her how much you love her. KEVIN But I'm trying to get back together with Brittany! SANDI So? It's not like you haven't gone steady with two people at the same time before. KEVIN Yeah. (beat) I'll do it--right after I'm done getting back together with Brittany. (hangs up) 147 COLLAPSE TO: JUST THE FASHION CLUB. STACY Are you really sure we should be doing this? They seem so (beat) in love. SANDI Yes, we should be doing this! Daria and Trent must be made to break up at all costs! QUINN With my father's attitude towards Kevin, he'll actually encourage this nonexistent relationship, so Kevin will keep coming back. And Daria's grounded, so she can't just leave. So in the worst case, Daria's going to be very miserable for a while. STACY whimpers. 148 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. DARIA is sitting on a sofa reading Animal Farm by George Orwell. Enter QUINN from upstairs. QUINN How can you read a book by a lackey for the bourgeois? That is so second grade. DARIA It's better than that Ayn Rand so-called "objectivist" garbage you like. QUINN Well excuse me if my conceptions of epistemology don't meet your high standards. DARIA Or any standards at all. Didn't Rand say, "Kindness is irrelevant. Assistance is futile"? Doorbell rings. QUINN walks over to the front door and opens it, revealing KEVIN with a bouquet of flowers. QUINN Oh, hi, Kevin. KEVIN Hi, Quinn. Is Daria home? QUINN Most certainly. Come on in. KEVIN enters and approaches DARIA. DARIA What do you want? KEVIN (getting down on one knee, proffering his flowers, sounding very rehearsed) I have come here to proclaim my external [sic] love for you. DARIA If my suspicions are correct, that makes more sense than it might seem. KEVIN You are the only woman for me. It is my only desire that we never be separated. DARIA Who the Hell wrote this mush? KEVIN (normally) Sandi did. She thought I should sound romantic when I came over here to ask you out. DARIA There is no way I'm ever going out with you. I suppose that Sandi told you that I had a crush on you. KEVIN Yeah, er, uh, d'oh! (beat) So, what do you say? Will you go out with me? 149 CUT TO: EXT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE. KEVIN is drop-kicked by DARIA out the front door while JAKE, getting out of his Lexus, looks on puzzled. KEVIN (landing on the front lawn) Oof! 150 CUT TO: INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. Enter JAKE, carrying a brief-case, through the front door. JAKE Hi, girls. Was that Kevin who just flew through our front door? QUINN Yeah, Daddy. That's just how Daria expresses affection. DARIA I do not! Kevin's an imbecile who was stupid enough to come here to ask me out just because the Quinn's best friend Sandi suggested it to him. JAKE Don't be so hard on him! He's a football player! All the best guys I've ever known were football players. Can't you see the good in people instead of being so critical? He's got to be better for you than that Satanic head-banger Trent. DARIA Trent is neither Satanic nor a head-banger, and the only person for whom Kevin would be good is a hot dog maker in search of filler material. You've never even met Trent, yet you swallow hook, line, and sinker Quinn's outrageous claims about him. JAKE Are you suggesting I shouldn't trust my own daughter? DARIA Are you suggesting that I am a liar? Ever since I moved here, I've had you on my case for seeing someone you know nothing about. I may be a misery chick, but that says nothing about my honesty. JAKE I've had enough of this back-talk from you-- Enter HELEN through the front door. HELEN (seeing DARIA and JAKE arguing while QUINN looks on with a big smile on her face) What the Hell is going on here? JAKE I can handle this, Helen! I was just about to add a month to Daria's grounding for objecting to my objecting to Trent the Satanic head-banger! DARIA Are you too dense to entertain the possibility that Trent may not be the monster you think him to be? What ever happened to "innocent until proven guilty"? HELEN Yes, Jake, whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty"? JAKE Hey! Why would I should I give such infernal scum a chance? DARIA Would it hurt you to meet him just once? JAKE Yes! HELEN stomps on JAKE's foot. JAKE Ow! I'm not meeting the monster! HELEN Jake, you are going to meet Trent whether you like it or not! We are not going to abandon the principles upon which our country was founded just because you're feeling paranoid! (beat, then calmly to DARIA) Would seven-thirty tonight be OK? DARIA (calmly) I'll call and ask. JAKE looks ticked. QUINN is sneaking back up the steps. 151 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, KITCHEN. QUINN is talking quietly to JAKE. QUINN While we're waiting for Trent to get here, there are a few things about him I think you should know--and I'm only saying this for Daria's benefit. First, he's got tattoos. He claims they're Maori, but they're really something you have to get to enter the United Methodist Church of Satan of Latter-Day Sinners. The other alteration of appearance the Church of Satan requires is that they have to be pierced, and it can't just be a single hole in each ear. JAKE What!? QUINN Secondly, the music his band plays contains backwards messages telling people to join the Communist Party. JAKE I'll kill him! QUINN Sh! Thirdly and most importantly, he's trying to get Daria to join his cult. It's something they try to do every third full moon, finding an innocent but terribly misguided virgin and bringing her over to the side of evil. This would involve her getting pierced, getting a tattoo, drinking the blood of a puppy, and doing something really disgusting with a goat, some chocolate syrup, and a pair of handcuffs. JAKE I'll kill him twice! QUINN Sh! You don't want Daria to hear any of this, do you? She might run off with him to Sweden! Doorbell rings. DARIA (out of view) I'll get it! (beat) It's Trent! JAKE (under his breath) Time to meet this scum-bag. (exits) QUINN has a big smile on her face. 152 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. HELEN and JAKE are grilling TRENT as DARIA observes uneasily. JAKE So, you've been seeing Daria. TRENT Yeah. HELEN Daria is a very special girl, isn't she? TRENT Uh, sure. JAKE How old are you, Trent? TRENT What? DARIA He's 19, Jake. JAKE Are you in school? Do you have a job? Life isn't just one free handout after another, you know. What's with the earrings? TRENT I'm a senior at Lawndale High. I just thought the earrings were cool. HELEN Daria has mentioned that you have some sort of band. TRENT Mystic Spiral. I play guitar. JAKE And what's with the tattoos, young man? TRENT They're just something I got out of a magazine, sir. JAKE I knew it! You really are a Satanic head-banger who gets tattoos out of cultic magazines! DARIA Jake, you promised you wouldn't jump to conclusions! JAKE Quinn told me all about this character! I know all about how he's in the United Methodist Church of Satan of Latter-Day Sinners and back-masks communist messages into his songs! (to TRENT) There's no way in Hell I'm going to let you brainwash my niece into joining a cult! TRENT What? I didn't even know I was in a cult. HELEN Jake, do you know how preposterous what you're claiming sounds? JAKE Quinn should know these things! She's a bright girl and goes to the same school. DARIA And has a long history of manipulating people, starting with you and Helen. JAKE looks very disturbed. HELEN Lynn Quinn Michaelis! Get in here right now! Enter QUINN. QUINN Yes, Mom? HELEN Have you been lying to your father about Trent? QUINN (innocently) I just told him what everyone's been saying about him at school. TRENT It's the first I heard about me being a Satanic communist, whatever that's supposed to be. DARIA She meant the Machiavellian school of political thought. HELEN Daria, do you have any of Trent's songs on your computer? DARIA (puzzled) Yeah, Helen. JAKE I don't want anyone in my family listening to that garbage! HELEN Jake, I'm the lawyer, not you. I'll handle this. (to DARIA) Daria, go get your computer. Exit DARIA. HELEN (to QUINN) We'll test your claim of backwards messages in Trent's music, and they'd better be there--or you're grounded for a month. 153 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. DARIA has returned and is playing back "Icebox Woman" in reverse on a tablet computer. The song ends. HELEN Now, did anyone hear anything remotely like any message in that? QUINN Actually-- HELEN No, Quinn, we did not hear "Bow down to Lenin; Lenin is God", "Marx shall reign supreme forever", or "A Bolshevik is what I want to be"! DARIA Not to mention "I adore Stalin" or "Chairman Mao flies on the wings of a dove". HELEN gives DARIA a look of disapproval. DARIA What? HELEN (to JAKE) Are you finally convinced there is nothing communist in Trent's songs? JAKE (begrudgingly) Yes. (to TRENT) But if ever find out that-- HELEN Jake! TRENT I'll interpret that as permission to date your niece. HELEN For the moment. DARIA (to TRENT) Let's get out of here before they change their minds. TRENT Sounds good to me. DARIA and TRENT get up to leave. DARIA And, oh, Quinn, you can borrow my copy of War and Peace if you want. I'm sure you'll have time to read it. Bye, Helen. Bye, Jake. TRENT Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Michaelis. HELEN Take care, you two. JAKE grunts. Exit DARIA and TRENT. QUINN Oogh! Doorbell rings. QUINN opens the front door, revealing COREY. COREY Hi, Quinn. You ready to go? QUINN Sorry, Corey. I've just been grounded. COREY What!? HELEN (approaches) I'm sorry, but she was caught lying. Come back in a month. COREY (as HELEN shuts the door) Quinn! Say it isn't so! 154 EXT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE. The Tank drives up in front of the house. DARIA and TRENT exit the Tank and start walking towards the house. DARIA I had a great time tonight. TRENT I have to remember to take you to monster movies more often. 155 CUT TO: INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. QUINN is irritating JAKE as he tries to watch Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show. On the TV screen, BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are interviewing people on the street. QUINN (to no one in particular) This is so unfair. My weird, unpopular cousin gets to date a musician, and I, the fashionable, popular girl, get grounded. There ought to be a law against such a thing happening. JAKE Can't you be quiet for a while? I'm trying to hear Beavis's commentary! (pause, notices through the window that someone's outside) Is there someone on our front porch? QUINN (pulling back curtain to see) Oh my God! JAKE What? (rushes over to the window) 156 CUT TO: THROUGH WINDOW TO THE FRONT PORCH, where DARIA and TRENT are standing, sucking face. Hold position for a few moments. 157 CUT TO: THROUGH WINDOW BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM, showing JAKE and QUINN. JAKE Quinn, I want whatever solid information you can get on that boy, anything that will stand up to your mother's scrutiny. QUINN Gee, Daddy. That'll be hard with this curfew. JAKE I'll let you stay out every day as late as you need as long as you get home before your mother. QUINN That'll do. (peeks out the window again) God! How long can they hold their breath? 158 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA. DARIA, TRENT, JANE, ANDREA, and JESSE are sitting at a table and talking. TRENT You should have seen the look on Mr. Michaelis's face when he knew he had been beaten. DARIA (stabbing a morsel on JANE's tray with her fork) Even better, Quinn's when she got grounded for a month. (eats morsel) JESSE Cool. JANE Serves her right, the tramp. She's been after Trent since August. ANDREA Die, Quinn! Die! JANE So, what are we doing for the talent show? TRENT I was thinking that Daria could temporarily join Mystic Spiral. We've been needing a decent vocalist ever since I got calluses on my vocal cords. DARIA Um, I'm honored. JANE Hey! What about me? JESSE Yeah! TRENT Well, you could never really sing well enough to be a lead singer. JANE Hey! What about during the talent show last year? JESSE Uh, didn't you break all the windows in the auditorium? DARIA Maybe you could give her a backup singing part; not as easy to break things that way. TRENT Uh, we'll talk about it. JANE Hmph! TRENT I do have the perfect piece picked out for the talent show. (brings up some sheet music on his tablet computer and shows it to the others) DARIA Looks like you've adapted one of my poems... 159 CUT TO: THE NEXT TABLE, where QUINN is sitting, taking notes on her tablet computer. She stands up, walks over to another table where the rest of the Fashion Club is sitting, and sits down. QUINN I hate Daria and her geeky friends. SANDI What are they up to now? QUINN Planning some musical number for the talent show. Full band plus Daria. STACY She can sing? QUINN Beats the Hell out of me. (to SANDI) So, Sandi, what do you intend to do about it? SANDI Come up with a better act, of course. QUINN Well, didn't Andrea, Trent, Jesse, and that weird art girl do a musical act last year and win? SANDI (sighs) Yes. The crowd especially liked it when all the windows broke. TIFFANY What if we did some modeling on stage? QUINN That doesn't take much talent. SANDI (giving QUINN a dirty look) Unfortunately, the judges thought that, too. The modeling thing's been tried already, and they hated it. TIFFANY Oh, yeah. SANDI We're going to have to come up with something that the judges will like--or maybe... STACY You don't mean-- SANDI Yes, I do: sabotage. STACY cringes. 160 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY--END OF THE DAY. QUINN is talking quietly with UPCHUCK by his locker. QUINN ... So you can see why I need your services. UPCHUCK What exactly did you have in mind? QUINN Some sort of surveillance device planted at key positions where we might get something solid on Daria and Trent. UPCHUCK Ooh! I like that idea. Maybe in Trent's room and in his van? QUINN You've got the idea. How much will it cost? UPCHUCK Nothing. QUINN You've got some personal stake in this; don't you? I didn't think you'd be willing to help so soon after Daria gave away your car. UPCHUCK You forget: I like feisty women. Daria's fighting me only makes me want her even more. I'm not going to even charge you for the cameras. I can get those off of the throwaway computers they put in cereal boxes. 161 EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. Various students are exiting the building. COREY walks out the front door, where he meets SANDI. SANDI Hello, Corey. COREY Hi. SANDI Mind if I have a word with you? COREY Sure thing. SANDI leads COREY off to the side of the building, away from other people. SANDI I was just wondering what I would have to do to an amplifier to break it. COREY What!? SANDI (starting to pour on the charm) I want to make sure these people with electric guitars can't be heard by anybody when they go up on stage at the talent show. I'm sure, with your knowledge of electronics, you ought to be able to help me. COREY I'm not really comfortable with this. SANDI Gee, with those bushes over there, I'm sure I can find a way to stimulate your memory. COREY How detailed instructions do you need? SANDI smiles. 162 EXT. THE LANE HOUSE. The Tank is parked in front. Music can be heard from inside the house. UPCHUCK (dressed as a ninja) walks up to the Tank and starts picking the lock. 163 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. Our heroes are practicing for the talent show. DARIA I'm glad you're happy inflicting my pain, Leaving skid marks on the roads of my brain. We had no love scene, but you've cut to the chase. You're biting off my nose to spite my face. DARIA and JANE Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow-- All four strings on JANE's bass break simultaneously. The others stop playing. JANE What? TRENT Why does something always break when you sing? JANE Not a clue. DARIA Maybe the cute one here is cursed. TRENT (sighs) We'll go looking for those spare bass strings later. The rest of you, let's try it again from the top. TRENT, JESSE, ANDREA, and DARIA start performing again. They start playing again. 164 CUT TO: EXT. THE LANE HOUSE. The song, "Ow", continues until further notice. UPCHUCK climbs out of the Tank and shuts the door. 165 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 166 CUT TO: EXT. THE LANE HOUSE. UPCHUCK then hops the fence (us following him), walks to the back door, and it with a credit card. He enters, finding himself in the kitchen. 167 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 168 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, KITCHEN. UPCHUCK ducks behind a counter as JANE enters. JANE, looking a bit sweaty, takes an ice cube from the freezer and rubs it on her neck and exposed cleavage. She leaves a short time later. 169 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 170 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, KITCHEN. UPCHUCK moves from the kitchen, through the hallway, and enters TRENT's bedroom. 171 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 172 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, TRENT'S BEDROOM. UPCHUCK plants a camera among the mess and exits to the hallway. 173 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 174 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY. UPCHUCK ducks into the bathroom just as JANE exits her room, carrying a package of spare bass strings. JANE heads towards the stairs leading downstairs. 175 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. 176 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, HALLWAY. UPCHUCK waits a moment, then exits the bathroom, moves through the hallway, into the living room, and out the front door. 177 CUT TO: INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. We see the band. JANE is putting new strings on her bass. The song ends. 178 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, KITCHEN. DARIA and the Michaelises are eating dinner. HELEN still is paying attention mostly to a tablet computer. QUINN But you've got to let me be in the talent show! If you don't, I'll have to buy a ticket and attend anyway. JAKE Well... QUINN I've got this great essay that they'll love. DARIA If it's anything like that collection of essays you showed me to try to turn me into a deconstructionist, it might make great comedy material. JAKE Daria! HELEN We'll talk about it later. So, Daria, do you have an act planned? DARIA Yes. Andrea, Jane, Trent, Jesse, and I will be playing a song. JAKE It better not be-- HELEN Jake! DARIA It's nothing to worry about. There is no mention of Satanism or communism in it, and it has been found through randomized clinical trials not to cause seizures, behavioral disorders, or rashes. JAKE Not funny, Daria. HELEN Can't you put your bad attitude aside for a moment, Jake, and encourage Daria to do something positive? DARIA Yeah, Jake. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll see me spontaneously skipping happily through a meadow... 179 EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM, STAGE. MR. O'NEILL is standing on stage, holding a microphone, while an audience composed of parents, teachers, and students talk quietly among themselves. MR. O'NEILL Good evening, everyone. I'm Timothy O'Neill, and I'd like to welcome you all to the Seventh Annual Talent Show Fund Raiser for Lawndale High. Tonight, we have performing for you some of our school's most talented young people-- 180 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE, where sit MR. DIMARTINO, MS. LI, MS. MORRIS, MRS. BENNETT, and PAVLOV, who make comments as MR. O'NEILL continues. MS. MORRIS Better: talent-wasting young people. MRS. BENNETT Can't he say anything not mushy? MR. O'NEILL --poets, musicians, and actors. That they have put so much effort into these acts is an affirmation of life and creativity-- MS. LI Apparently not. PAVLOV (Russian accent) I am trying to listen to him! MR. O'NEILL --that makes hope spring eternal. MR. DIMARTINO Hope for what? MR. O'NEILL So without further ado, let me present our first act: Jodie Landon and Michael Jordan Mackenzie. Audience claps. 181 REVERSE ANGLE TO: ON THE AUDIENCE, where KEVIN, COREY, EVAN, and BROOKE are sitting. COREY It doesn't matter how bad this is; it still beats homework. (gives EVAN a high-five) I said: it still beats homework. BROOKE (not laughing) Yeah, that's funny, Corey. That's funny. KEVIN (sadly) Aw! 182 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE. Various students, including DARIA (finally wearing something different: white blouse, red skirt, black leggings, red boots, and black leather jacket), JANE (with electric bass), TRENT and JESSE (with electric guitars), ANDREA (with drum pads), QUINN (wearing all black and an ankh necklace), HEATHER (holding a kazoo), AXL (with a guitar), BRITTANY (wearing tap shoes), MONIQUE (in a trench coat), and ARTIE (with cello and unicycle), are waiting to perform in the talent show. MACK (on stage) Sister of Satan! Unholy mother! Tell me what you see in your crystal ball. JODIE (on stage) It is Palamon, who has such love for Emily that he is clearly deserving of death. JANE What is it that they're performing? DARIA I think it's something from The Canterbury Tales--or was before it was rewritten. JESSE Cool. ANDREA (to DARIA) You're going to ruin your reputation as a misery chick by wearing something that upbeat. Enter UPCHUCK with a tenor saxophone. UPCHUCK Hello, ladies, Trent, Jesse. DARIA What do you want? UPCHUCK And what, pray tell, do you plan to perform with this ensemble? TRENT Just something we cooked up just for this occasion. It's calculated to give Mr. DiMartino seizures. DARIA If it doesn't, it should at least blow out your eardrums. UPCHUCK Ooh! Feisty! 183 CUT TO: BEHIND DARIA AND CO., where there are standing a few amplifiers on wheels. As UPCHUCK continues to pester DARIA and co., enter SANDI, STACY, and TIFFANY quietly. SANDI pops a panel off one of the amps and rips out some wires. LEDs on the surface of the amp go dead. STACY (whispering) Are you sure we should be doing this? SANDI Definitely. It would be unthinkable to let such people win anything but a loser contest. TIFFANY For sure. SANDI finishes up her sabotage on the last amp. Exit SANDI, STACY, and TIFFANY. 184 CUT TO: ON STAGE. The audience is clapping as JODIE and MACK (in mediaeval outfits) bow. They exit as MR. O'NEILL walks on stage. MR. O'NEILL Wasn't that wonderful? And now, I'd like to introduce one of Lawndale High's most prominent writers: L. Quinn Michaelis! The audience claps as QUINN walks on stage. QUINN (reading from her computer) "Academic Imprisonment" by L. Quinn Michaelis. No light shines through these four brick walls, for the school is my prison and its teachers my jailers. Like a hamster in its exercise wheel, school forces us to toil endlessly until we yearn for freedom--but only more homework awaits... 185 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE, where, among others, DARIA and company are waiting as QUINN continues her school-bashing. JANE (checking the equipment) Uh, guys, we have a problem. TRENT You break the new strings on your bass already? JANE No, the amps aren't working. DARIA, ANDREA, TRENT, and JESSE rush over to the amps to examine them. TRENT Damn! DARIA (fingering a tossed-away panel) Looks like someone's ripped out some of the insides. JESSE Bogus. ANDREA Ditto. TRENT Do any of you know how to fix them? DARIA Not a clue. JANE I only do engines. ANDREA Software person. JESSE Not without taking them totally apart--and we don't have time for that! Aw, man! I left my tools and the spare parts back at home! What are we gonna do, man? JANE I guess we'll need a new act. And there are only three more acts after this one to decide on it. Any ideas? DARIA (thinks for a moment) Yeah. Jesse, why don't you go tell Mr. O'Neill of a change in plans? 186 CUT TO: ON STAGE. QUINN is still reciting her essay. QUINN ... So go ahead, incarcerate me with your homework and your tests! Rob me of my freedom with your reading and your thinking! As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between school and prison is the wardrobe--or do you want to take away my outfits, too? The end. The audience applauds. 187 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. AXL is on stage with a guitar. AXL Can't stand your lips. Can't stand your eyes. Can't stand your teeth. Can't stand your thighs. That's why I love you! (smashes guitar on stage) 188 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. BRITTANY is on stage tap-dancing. 189 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO This isn't half-bad. 190 PAN TO: ON KEVIN IN THE AUDIENCE. KEVIN (suddenly standing up, holding up a lighted lighter) Go, babe! Go, babe! Go, babe! 191 REVERSE ANGLE TO: ON STAGE. BRITTANY (distressed) Oh, Kevvy! BRITTANY storms off stage. 192 REVERSE ANGLE TO: ON KEVIN IN THE AUDIENCE. KEVIN What'd I do? 193 CUT TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO Heh, heh, heh. Now she'll kill the king of the jerks. Yes! 194 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. MONIQUE is on stage. MONIQUE (takes a jar of molasses out of her pocket, opens it, and starts pouring it out on stage) This is my pain. Life is a den of weeping asps, awaiting impatiently the day that Eris will liberate them from Athena's cruel oppression. (pulls a pinwheel from a pocket and spins it) Waves from Persephone pass over them, crashing down on a bed of roses. (starts tossing licorice jelly-beans to the audience) Pray to Antigone, that she come from the plains of Hephaestus, singing of the deeds of Styx, the horrors of Megara, and the beauty of Scylla! 195 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE, where JANE, DARIA, TRENT, and JESSE are waiting as MONIQUE continues spouting seeming nonsense. JANE See, you don't want to do poetry for this crowd. DARIA I'm not worried about the crowd, babe. It's the people had charge of this travesty. They listed my name on the program as Daria "Sammy Hagar" Morgendorffer. I don't think the judges are going to like whatever I do. JANE You could have Brittany teach you how to squeak on every other syllable. People just love the way the Inflatable Bimbo sounds. DARIA Er, no. TRENT If the judges don't like what you're doing, at least Mr. DiMartino will probably get chest pains. 196 CUT TO: ON STAGE. MONIQUE is blowing bubbles from a bubble pipe. We rotate counterclockwise around MONIQUE until further notice. MONIQUE See how they yearn for the great centaur that holds up the sky? (blows a few bubbles) See them go out of existence, only to return when Chiron at long last reopens the seventh house. (blows a few more bubbles) And thus, procrastinating until the light of Orion arrives, they take to the air-- (throws away her bubble pipe) --never to return while Leda remains. We are now at MONIQUE's back and stop moving. MONIQUE tears open her trench coat, but we cannot see what she has on--or doesn't have on--under it. The audience and judges are too shocked by what they see to do anything but gasp until one brave soul dares speak out. MR. DIMARTINO (out of view) What the Hell was that? 197 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO I've seen better experimental theater done by monkeys! Get off the stage, you fraud! And don't ever show yourself like that in this town again! 198 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE, showing DARIA and JANE. JANE Damn! I bet he'd kick the bucket within the first thirty seconds of that act! DARIA (shrugs) There's always next year. 199 CUT TO: ON STAGE. MR. O'NEILL is standing on the edge of the stage speaking into a microphone as MONIQUE, her trench coat now closed, walks off. MR. O'NEILL Uh, thank you very much, Monique. It takes a lot of, uh, courage to expose your raw emotions that way. Now, speaking of raw emotions, it's my pleasure to introduce one of Lawndale High's most gifted writers: Daria Morgendorffer. DARIA (walking on stage amidst applause, wearing her reading glasses and carrying her computer) Thank you. Tonight I'd like to read you a new story I've written entitled "Where the Future Takes Us". BRITTANY (from off stage) You insensitive jerk! KEVIN (from off stage) Ow! DARIA As students standing at the dawn of a brand new century, we face certain choices. How do we prepare for the future? Melody Powers knew how she was going to prepare as she checked the fit on her tooled leather shoulder holster. She thought about all the communists she would be taking out tonight. Melody harbored no illusions about unilaterally stemming the resurgent Red tide, but she reflected with a grim smile, What special agent could resist the opportunity to fill a few Bolshevik cemeteries? 200 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. DARIA As Melody sun-bathed on the Rio beach, she looked back over the last few days with a certain quiet satisfaction: twelve dead Russians, five dead Chinese, and three or four dead Cubans. The world was once again safe for democracy, she reflected while watching Tonio's exquisite chest rise and fall with his light snoring. Safe for democracy, or almost safe. Melody brushed some errant grains of sand from her fingers, tied her top back on, and reached into her beach bag. Tonio heard nothing, and that was a pity, because he would never hear anything again. So long Tonio, she thought as she calmly stood up. I could have loved you--if you weren't as red as the blood stain now spreading across the sand. Melody walked calmly away to the hotel. There would be a message there from HQ, no doubt. She hoped she had time to shower. Audience cheers. 201 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO Yes! Finally! A student who knows what to do with communists! 202 REVERSE ANGLE TO: ON STAGE. DARIA walks off the stage as MR. O'NEILL walks onto the stage. MR. O'NEILL Wasn't that wonderful? For our next act, I'd like to present Heather Lockheed, her bad hair, and her kazoo! The audience claps as MR. O'NEILL walks off stage and HEATHER walks on stage. HEATHER starts playing "O Canada!" on her kazoo. 203 REVERSE ANGLE TO: THE JUDGES' TABLE. MR. DIMARTINO (clutching his chest in pain) Argh! Call the paramedics! (collapses on the floor) 204 REVERSE ANGLE TO: ON STAGE, showing HEATHER. HEATHER Oops. 205 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE. ANDREA (jumping up and down) Yes! Yes! Yes! I win the pool! I win! I win! DARIA Now who's ruining their reputation as a misery chick? 206 DISSOLVE TO: ON STAGE--LATER. MR. O'NEILL is now standing there. MR. O'NEILL Our remaining judges have picked the three winning acts: Artie Wilcox's unicycle and cello act, (applause) L. Quinn Michaelis's essay "Academic Imprisonment", (applause with whistles) and Daria Morgendorffer's story "Where the Future Takes Us". (a heck of a lot of applause) The second runner-up is (kettledrums) Artie Wilcox's unicycle and cello act. (applause) 207 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE, where the performers are standing. QUINN is irritating DARIA. ARTIE (jumping up and down like an idiot) I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man! QUINN Prepare to lose, cousin. MR. O'NEILL (out of view) And the first-place winner is (kettledrums) Daria Morgendorffer's story "Where the Future Takes Us". DARIA (amidst applause) Have fun prying your foot out of your mouth, sister. MR. O'NEILL (out of view) Daria, come out here to receive your trophy and the prize tickets. Amidst more applause, DARIA walks out on stage, us following her, to where MR. O'NEILL and MS. LI are standing. DARIA (receiving the trophy from MS. LI) Thank you. I'd just like to thank all the people who made this possible-- 208 CUT TO: BACKSTAGE. DARIA (out of view) --my boyfriend Trent Lane, my friends Jane Lane, Andrea Flynn, and Jesse Moreno-- QUINN walks over to the rest of the Fashion Club. QUINN Oh, like that really worked. DARIA (out of view) --the people who sabotaged our amplifiers-- Some laughter from the audience. SANDI Hey! I had no idea it would take more than destroying their means of making music to stop them. DARIA (out of view) --forcing us to choose a new act. STACY (to QUINN) I told her it wouldn't work, but would she listen? No! DARIA (out of view) But we persevered-- TIFFANY Like, yeah. We should have, like, broken their legs. DARIA (out of view) --and with only three acts to go-- SANDI Oh, if you two are on Quinn's side, maybe I should step down as president of the Fashion Club and let "Brains" Michaelis take over. DARIA (out of view) --we settled on a story I wrote-- QUINN I could go for that. I date more boys and dress better than you do. DARIA (out of view) --a story that would inspire the audience-- SANDI (grunt of irritation) Alright, if you can split up Daria and Trent or at least successfully sabotage their activities, I'll step down in favor of you. DARIA (out of view) --enlighten them, and teach them something about what it means to be human. QUINN Deal. DARIA (out of view) But most of all, I'd like to thank the person who inspired the story-- SANDI's face reveals shock as she realizes what she's just done. DARIA (out of view) --my sister Quinn. Quinn, why don't you come out here and wave to the nice people? QUINN's face reveals shock. 209 INT. THE TANK. Our heroes are inside as the Tank speeds down the streets of Lawndale. JANE I can't believe it! We got sabotaged and won anyway. DARIA I won. I didn't see you up on stage reading. ANDREA I could have sworn that Heather would have won, showing off a T-shirt like that. TRENT So when is the concert? DARIA (looking at the tickets) This Saturday. JESSE Cool. TRENT (as the Tank pulls over) I guess we'll see you then. DARIA Sure. (kisses TRENT) Bye, guys. others (asynchronously) Bye. 210 CUT TO: EXT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE. The Tank is right by the curb. DARIA exits the Tank. As the Tank drives off, DARIA walks to the front door and enters. We follow DARIA through the front door to the living room, where QUINN, wearing "sunglasses", is sitting, working on something on a tablet computer. DARIA Hey. QUINN grunts. DARIA (realizes that QUINN is wearing "sunglasses") Are the UV levels too high in here? QUINN My contacts are soaking; I can't wear them all the time. What am I supposed to do? Walk around nearly blind? DARIA shrugs and exits towards her bedroom. 211 FOCUS ON: THE SCREEN OF QUINN'S COMPUTER. Title of window: "Trent's room camera". Window shows fast-forwarding of TRENT sleeping. QUINN God, doesn't this guy do anything but snooze? Why couldn't Upchuck send me anything useful? Window shows JANE half-dragging DARIA into the room. QUINN Wait a moment... (presses a 'play' button on screen) Window shows at normal speed JANE waking up TRENT, JANE saying something, then JANE, a big smile on her face leaving TRENT and DARIA alone. QUINN Why does that look familiar? I wonder... (brings up a 'find' dialog and requests lists for when DARIA and JANE were with TRENT in his room, then has the computer correlate the lists) The computer reports significant overlap, JANE and DARIA entering at the same time and then JANE leaving. QUINN Now that's useful. (picks up the phone and dials; after someone picks up) Hi, Jamie. It's Quinn. (beat) I need a favor from you and your two skilled hands... 212 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM. QUINN is trying on outfits when DARIA walks by the door. DARIA is wearing blue jeans, a burnt yellow tank-top, and lipstick. DARIA With all that obsessing over looking just right, I'm surprised you find time to read or study. QUINN It's all about knowing where to shop and what not to waste time on. (takes a good look at DARIA) Wow! An outfit that almost looks normal. DARIA So? QUINN What's the occasion? (teasing) Trying to look good for Trent? DARIA No, I'm going to Alternapalooza. QUINN (teasing) Oh dear. You might overdose on adrenaline, and your head will explode. DARIA (deadpan) Don't worry; I took my tranquilizers. Doorbell. JAKE (out of view, with displeasure) Daria, Trent is here. DARIA walks away. 213 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. TRENT is sitting on the couch being looked at by JAKE (less than benignly). DARIA comes down the stairs. DARIA Hey, Trent. TRENT Hey, Daria. Ready to go? DARIA Sure. JAKE Just don't give her any drugs or anything like that. DARIA (looking very displeased) Good-bye, Jake. TRENT See you. We follow DARIA and TRENT through the front door outside, where the Tank is parked. JANE and JESSE are sitting in the back-seat of the Tank. JANE (leaning out the open side door, to DARIA) Ooh la la! Is that lipstick? DARIA (putting on genuine sunglasses) I just had a lollipop. JANE You ought to have them more often. You ought to keep those in your mouth, though. DARIA Huh? JANE (quietly) You're turning as red as a beet, cutie. DARIA (checking her skin) Damn. Are you trying to jinx me or something? JESSE Girl talk, huh? JANE You know Daria. She's a regular chatter-box. TRENT Don't sweat it, Daria. It doesn't look that bad. DARIA What happened to Andrea? I thought she was coming with us. TRENT She's feeling especially depressed today. If she's feeling up to it, she'll show up at Alternapalooza on her own. DARIA No wonder she wanted to take her own ticket "just in case". (bumping her head as she gets in the Tank) Ow! TRENT (getting in the Tank) Watch your head. DARIA I have a feeling it's going to be one of those days... The Tank drives off after all our present heroes get inside. Shortly afterwards JAMIE drives up in his car and honks the horn. 214 CUT TO: INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. JAKE (calling up the stairs) Quinn, looks like Jamie is here. QUINN (wearing "sunglasses") rushes down the stairs. QUINN Bye, Daddy. JAKE Just make sure you get home before your mother. You don't want her to go ballistic, do you? QUINN No problem. We follow QUINN through the front door and into the car. JAMIE Ready to go, Quinn? QUINN (enthusiastically) Sure. JAMIE's car drives off. 215 INT. THE TANK. JANE Your turn, Trent. We're up to D. TRENT I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, and the Devil. DARIA I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, the Devil, and a Eurocentric view of world history. JANE I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing-- The sound of something bursting is heard. 216 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. Steam is coming out from under the hood. 217 CUT TO: INT. THE TANK. JANE Something exploding in the engine. TRENT That doesn't start with F, Janey. JANE Just pull over, Trent. 218 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. The Tank pulls over. Our heroes get out. 219 CUT TO: RIGHT UNDER THE HOOD OF THE TANK. Hood opens, revealing our heroes looking in with grim looks on their faces. TRENT Oh, man! Looks like the radiator hose broke. 220 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK, CONVENTIONAL VIEW. JESSE What do we do now? JAMIE's car passes by. JANE There's a wall up ahead. Maybe there'll be houses behind it. Daria, you stay here with Trent; Jesse and I will find a phone and call for help. (playfully elbowing DARIA) Great plan; isn't it, sweetie? DARIA Shut up, Jane. Exit JANE and JESSE. DARIA Just great. One day when I wanted everything to go right, things keep going wrong. TRENT (drawing closer) Not everything has to go wrong today... DARIA grins. 221 INT. JAMIE'S CAR. QUINN Yes! Thanks, Jamie. No one commits auto sabotage like you. JAMIE (a bit uneasy) Uh, sure. 222 THE HIGHWAY. JANE and JESSE are walking back towards the Tank. JANE That was a bummer. Who knew there'd be literally nothing out here? JESSE Triple-A? JANE and JESSE come to the Tank. 223 CUT TO: THE INTERIOR OF THE SIDE DOOR. The door opens, revealing JANE and JESSE. JANE Finally! I knew this would happen sooner or later! JESSE Cool. DARIA (out of view) I will kill you, Jane. 224 EXT. THE TANK. DARIA and TRENT are climbing out through the side door, their hair in disarray and their clothes not completely on right. JANE and JESSE have big smiles on their faces. TRENT Jane, we were only trying to keep warm! DARIA It's a lot colder than we thought it would be. JANE Um, yeah. TRENT So, uh, find anything behind the wall? JANE Just a cornfield--a very unhelpful cornfield. We need new ideas of how to get out of this mess. DARIA Anyone bring a computer? TRENT No. JESSE Not me. JANE They're no good for drawing on. Why bother? JESSE Anything useful in the Tank? TRENT You ought to know by now we've used up everything useful in the Tank. This thing's broken down more times than any of us can remember. JANE (half to herself) Now when was the last time anyone cleaned up in there? TRENT Huh? JANE I've got an idea. (enters the Tank, returns promptly with a box) DARIA And that's supposed to help us how? JANE It's some of my old art supplies. Apparently been under the seat for a while. TRENT No, you cannot put glitter on the side of my van, Jane! JANE Who needs glitter when you have this? (pulls a glue gun out of the box) Meet the Stick-Master 1000. JESSE What are you going to do with it? 225 CUT TO: THE ENGINE, CLOSE-UP. JANE's hands use the glue gun to fix the radiator hose. 226 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. DARIA and TRENT are standing by the Tank, JESSE is inside in the driver's seat, and JANE is by the open hood. JANE Try it now. JESSE successfully starts the Tank. 227 ALTERNAPALOOZA. Alternapalooza is an outdoor concert superficially similar to Woodstock. QUINN and JAMIE are sitting by a bush, making out, in the midst of an enormous crowd as a band called Cute, Shiny Things plays on stage. JANE, JESSE, TRENT, and DARIA appear in the distance. QUINN (spotting our heroes) Uh-oh. (dives into the bush) Our heroes approach JAMIE, who looks nervous. JANE Looks like Anything-Beginning-with-J is here alone, with only lipstick on his face to remind him of his poor, grounded Quinn. DARIA Leave the poor boy alone. If Quinn goes out with other boys behind his back, why shouldn't he go out with other girls? TRENT It's only fair. JESSE Hmm. Exit our heroes. A few moments later QUINN crawls out of the bush. JAMIE Do you really go out with other boys behind my back? QUINN Now, who would you rather I (whispers into JAMIE's ear)? You or Jeffy or Joey? JAMIE We can be in the back-seat of my car in five minutes. QUINN (playfully slapping JAMIE on the shoulder) Not now, silly! Wait until after the concert. We have some spying to do. JAMIE Oh. 228 CUT TO: OUR HEROES, walking through the crowd. JANE Is it my imagination, or did Jamie look like he'd eaten a canary? DARIA More like a whole flock of canaries, cutie. I doubt that Quinn would be careless enough to come here when she's grounded, at least not when there's a snowball's chance in Hell that Helen will come home early--which she claims to do from time to time--so my guess is that Jamie really is cheating on Quinn. Serves her right, the tramp. 229 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. JAKE is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. Enter HELEN through the front door. HELEN Hello, Jake. JAKE Hi, Helen. (drops the newspaper in shock) Helen! What are you doing here? You're never home before eight on Saturdays! HELEN The three big cases I was working on suddenly evaporated. In one the parties reconciled themselves, in the second they settled on their own, and in the third both of the parties died in a freak accident. That leaves me with plenty of spare time today to spend with you and Quinn. JAKE (pretends his palmtop computer is vibrating, checks it) Oh my God! The Lippincott deal is about to fall through! No time to talk! Got to get to the office! (runs out the front door) HELEN (sighs) Oh well. 230 ALTERNAPALOOZA. DARIA and TRENT have wandered away from JESSE and JANE. DARIA So... TRENT So... DARIA It's hard to believe... TRENT Yeah. Didn't expect it so soon. DARIA Me neither. TRENT So, what now? DARIA Uh, hmm. TRENT Hmm. They sit in silence by a bush, arms around each other, until Cute, Shiny Things finish their song. announcer (from the stage) That was Cute, Shiny Things. Applause from the crowd. announcer Next up, Angry Toads. Enter BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD, followed by their cameraman TODD and mike boom operator STEWART. Another band, Angry Toads, starts setting up on stage. BEAVIS That was cool! Very (searches for adjective) archetypal. A vision of the happy sounds made by babies, punctuated with the bleak emptiness of the soul of human indignity, foreshadowing our common doom. BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh. Sorta like that guy with the big ears's videos except, uh, er? BEAVIS They sound like a tone-deaf cat in heat being nailed to a bed of spikes? BUTT-HEAD Yeah! BEAVIS Let's go ask some people here what they thought of the Cute, Shiny Things', uh, what was that song? BUTT-HEAD Uh, they all sound the same to me. BEAVIS Whatever. BEAVIS, BUTT-HEAD, STEWART, and TODD approach DARIA and TRENT. DARIA Go away, you two. I told you never to come near me again. BEAVIS Hey, Daria! Is that you? DARIA No. BUTT-HEAD We were wondering why you weren't in Highland anymore. What'd you think of that last song? DARIA I wasn't paying attention. BEAVIS (big smile on his face) Were you making out with this guy? Or even doing it with him? TRENT That's none of your business. TODD Wrap it up, guys. I'm almost out of tape. BUTT-HEAD Better stop here, then. TODD lowers his camera. TODD (to DARIA) I got to go back to the truck to get some more film. We could go there together and then score. DARIA I wasn't interested in you then, I'm not interested in you now, and I'll never be interested in you. Even you were last man on Earth, I still wouldn't be interested in you. TODD Are you sure? I can make it worth your while... DARIA Positive. TODD I'd advise you to take me up on my offer. TRENT And I'd advise you accept her refusal. TODD Or what? STEWART People, please, let's not-- TRENT stands up, kicks TODD where the Sun doesn't shine, and punches him in the stomach. TODD collapses on the ground. STEWART (disappointed) --fight. BUTT-HEAD Cool! BEAVIS I wish Todd had filmed that. That would have been great on TV. DARIA and TRENT slip away, hand-in-hand. 231 A FIELD FULL OF PARKED CARS. ROBERT is sabotaging the engine of JAMIE's car as SANDI supervises. Some distance away, BEAVIS, BUTT-HEAD, STEWART, and a very weak TODD are working out of the back of a van in even worse shape than the Tank. ROBERT I'm not totally comfortable doing this, actually. SANDI What have I told you? ROBERT "Trust me; I know what I'm doing"? SANDI And if you'd have listened to me, we would have done this before Jamie and Quinn had even left for Alternapalooza. ROBERT I don't see what the big deal is in the first place. The only reason anyone came here is to hear the Angry Toads, and we're not even doing that. SANDI The big deal is that Quinn has something planned at this event. I have too much at stake to let her succeed. ROBERT You're too competitive. If you'd asked me--damn! SANDI What? ROBERT Take cover! ROBERT and SANDI run away from JAMIE's car and drop to the ground as its engine explodes. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD Cool! Practically everyone at the concert, including Cute, Shiny Things and Angry Toads, comes running. SANDI and ROBERT try to sneak away but are intercepted by QUINN and JAMIE. JAMIE What the Hell did you do to my car? ROBERT Uh-- SANDI (to ROBERT) I'll handle this. (to JAMIE) What gives you the stupid idea that we'd stoop to such a low trick? JAMIE You've stooped lower than that before! QUINN Uh, Jamie-- ROBERT Watch it how you talk to her! STEWART (approaching) Gentlemen, please, let us act rationally. SANDI (ignoring STEWART, to QUINN) I suppose you put Jamie up to this, not having the guts to accuse me to my face of not playing fair. STEWART Ladies-- SANDI knees STEWART. STEWART (weakly, as he falls to the ground) There's no need for violence. JAMIE On the contrary... Cue a fight among SANDI, QUINN, JAMIE, and ROBERT. Soon JAMIE and ROBERT knock each other out cold, while QUINN and SANDI tire each other out. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD approach them. 232 CUT TO: VARIOUS PEOPLE, including MONIQUE, AXL, ANDREA, JANE, JESSE, DARIA, and TRENT, rushing up to see what's going on. BEAVIS Hey, why would you want to hang with those losers when you can chill with cool Net show stars like us? SANDI and QUINN knee BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD where the Sun doesn't shine, causing them to pass out and fall to the ground. DARIA What do you know? Quinn actually came. TRENT I'm more surprised it took this long for her and Sandi to come to blows. JANE That's odd: I thought at least one of Beavis and Butt-Head would have made it further in this fight. They looked sturdier on TV. JESSE shrugs. ANDREA Ten dollars at ten-to-one odds says that Todd propositions the Fashion Fiend or the Attention-Slut. MONIQUE You're on. TODD awkwardly approaches QUINN and SANDI, but he falls flat on his face. MONIQUE Ha! (takes money from ANDREA) AXL What did you expect from a git like him? ANDREA shrugs. QUINN (to a barely conscious JAMIE) Uh, Jamie, how am I going to get home? 233 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM--AFTER DARK. Enter QUINN through the front door into the living room, where JAKE (looking very guilty) and HELEN (looking very angry) are sitting. HELEN Quinn, you have a lot of explaining to do. 234 INT. THE RUTTHEIMER HOUSE, GARAGE, POV OF A COMPUTER SCREEN ON THE WALL. UPCHUCK is using the computer, surveillance of the inside of the Tank projected indistinctly onto his face. He looks bored. UPCHUCK (his eyes opening wide) Computer, freeze! The computer a "command recognized and executed" beep. UPCHUCK Holy cow! This is better than anything in Eyeful! 235 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY--BEFORE FIRST PERIOD. DARIA is getting books out of her locker. UPCHUCK approaches. UPCHUCK Hello, Daria. DARIA What do you want? UPCHUCK Oh, just for you to go out on a date with me. DARIA Have you lost your mind? You wouldn't have a chance at that even if I didn't have a boyfriend. UPCHUCK You wouldn't have said that if you knew I had this. (hands DARIA a palmtop computer) DARIA (eyes open wide) It's me! And Trent! How the Hell did you get this? UPCHUCK I have my methods (beat) and other copies as well, which might fall into the wrong hands if you don't acquiesce to my request. I'm sure Quinn would have use for a copy. DARIA stares at him menacingly. UPCHUCK I'll pick you up at seven. Wear something colorful. And don't tell anyone about this. You wouldn't want a copy to fall into the wrong hands, would you? Exit UPCHUCK while DARIA looks angry enough to kill someone. 236 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, DARIA'S ROOM. DARIA is dressed in something red and silky and putting on her earrings. Enter QUINN. QUINN Wow! I've never seen you make yourself look this good for Trent before. DARIA Shut up, Quinn. QUINN This is the first time you haven't been happy to go out with Trent. DARIA If you were in my shoes, you'd understand. Unfortunately, I can't tell you, and I'm not sure I'd trust you anyway. The doorbell is heard. JAKE (out of view, happy) Daria, your date is here. Why didn't you tell me you were dating someone other than Trent? DARIA Tell anyone about this, and I will kill you. Exit DARIA. 237 INT. CHEZ PIERRE. Chez Pierre is a fancy French restaurant, complete with rude waiters. DARIA and UPCHUCK are sitting at a table. DARIA is barely touching her food. UPCHUCK Why so sad, my delicate flower? DARIA If you have to ask, you're a lot dumber than I thought. UPCHUCK All I want to do is bring pleasure into your life. Why not take advantage of what I have to offer? DARIA Would you offer to commit suicide? UPCHUCK Rowr! Feisty! Enter TRENT. The maitre d' approaches him. maitre d' Welcome to Chez Pierre. Do you have a reservation, sir? TRENT No. I got an anonymous phone call from someone telling me to meet him here. maitre d' Ah. You must be with the Ruttheimer party. TRENT Ruttheimer party? maitre d' If you will follow me, sir. (leads TRENT to UPCHUCK and DARIA and then walks away) DARIA Trent! TRENT Daria! What are you doing here? DARIA I-- TRENT I can't believe you'd do such a thing, double-timing me! DARIA But-- TRENT We're through! (storms out) DARIA Wait! (tries to leave but UPCHUCK grabs her arm) UPCHUCK Leave now, and I give Quinn that footage. DARIA slumps down in her chair. 238 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY--BEFORE FIRST PERIOD. UPCHUCK is getting books out of his locker. The Fashion Club approach him. QUINN is looking very smug. SANDI (not happy) Upchuck! Did you really manage to break up Daria and Trent? UPCHUCK (very pleased with himself) Of course I did. I'm a master of the infernal arts. QUINN (to SANDI) Told you. UPCHUCK After I planted the cameras, all I had to do was wait for Trent and Daria to do something they wouldn't want revealed to the public--and they did do so. Then--and this was the fun part--I blackmailed Daria into going on a date with me, but forgot to tell her that I anonymously told Trent to show up at the same place only a little after we got there. You should have seen Trent storm out of Chez Pierre and the look on Daria's face. QUINN You should have seen the look on Daria's face when she got home. She nearly broke the front door when she slammed it. She was so mad that she hadn't come out of her room by the time I left this morning. TIFFANY Way to go! STACY Our leader! SANDI Say what!? QUINN Oh, didn't we have a deal that if I broke up Daria and Trent, you'd step down as president of the Fashion Club? SANDI Now wait a-- TIFFANY She's right; you know. UPCHUCK (bowing low) Let me be the first to congratulate you, President Quinn. QUINN Thank you, Charles. SANDI starts to storm off, only to stop short as she catches sight of someone. 239 CUT TO: THE FEET OF AN INTERESTINGLY DRESSED GIRL. We pan upwards towards her head. She's wearing blue jeans and a pink baby T-shirt, and her hair is bouncy, as is her chest. Oddly enough, she's DARIA. DARIA Going somewhere, Sandi? SANDI is speechless. DARIA You wouldn't happen to be the person who is going to pay dearly for breaking up me and Trent, would you? SANDI It was Quinn! I had nothing to do with it! DARIA pushes her way past SANDI towards QUINN and company. She kicks UPCHUCK where the Sun doesn't shine, causing him to collapse on the floor, before addressing QUINN. STACY and TIFFANY are flabbergasted. QUINN Daria? DARIA We meet again, Ms. Michaelis. You're going to pay dearly for your little stunt last night. I'm going to do to you what you did to me: I'm going to steal away your boyfriends, one by one. QUINN (laughing) Don't be silly. You don't look that good. DARIA (calling to the 3 Js off screen) Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, can we make that seven rather than seven-thirty? JOEY (out of view) Sure. JEFFY (out of view) No problem! JAMIE (out of view) I'll be there even earlier if you want! DARIA (to QUINN) That wasn't too hard. All I had to do was tell them what a great source of STDs you were. Welcome to Hell, Quinn. (walks away) UPCHUCK (weakly) Ooh. Feisty. DARIA is intercepted by KEVIN. KEVIN Since you're not seeing Trent anymore, would you now be interested in-- DARIA No, I will not go out with you. And even if I suffered massive head trauma and decided to do so, Brittany would kill me. KEVIN How would she know? DARIA Probably in the same way she's finding out about you asking me out now: she's standing right behind you. 240 CUT TO: INCLUDE A VERY ANGRY BRITTANY, standing behind KEVIN. KEVIN (checking behind himself) Oops! DARIA Have fun talking your way out of this. We follow DARIA as she walks away from KEVIN and BRITTANY. KEVIN (out of view) Babe, I can explain-- The sound of KEVIN getting kicked, then screaming, then dropping to the floor is heard. DARIA smiles. Enter PAVLOV. PAVLOV What is it with you crazy kids? I'm the one who has to clean that up! 241 INT. THE LANE HOUSE, BASEMENT. TRENT is playing "Behind My Eyelids" and irritating the Hell out of JESSE. TRENT As lashes close I see my woes Spread out like a carpet of bugs. In absence of light Pass visions of night And shallow graves left halfway dug. Behind my eyelids Is a world you cannot see, A place that's just for me Behind my eyelids. You watch a tear. It trickles clear And glistens on my skin. My liquid pain, Oh, would profane. Please, baby, let me in. Behind my eyelids Everything's always low. I'm left in an eerie limbo Behind my eyelids. I can't abide No place to hide. I'm exposed to what is true Here on the floor I call out, "More!" But know I won't get through. Behind my eyelids I've hit low altitude, And nothing's helping my mood Behind my eyelids. The walls close in. The ice gets thin. In my own reality. I'm left alone. I have no home. I'm a psychic refugee. Behind my eyelids Is a world you cannot see, A place that's just for me Behind my eyelids. JESSE (confiscating TRENT's guitar) Are you sure you won't talk about it? TRENT What do you care? You and Jane have been together for about two years. JESSE I've never seen you down like this before, man. Not even after Monique or Sandi. TRENT Monique just wasn't the One. And as for Sandi, don't mention that slime-ball to my face ever again! Now get out of here! JESSE OK, OK. (puts down TRENT's guitar and exits) Enter ANDREA, looking less Goth than usual, dressed in pink and acting seductive. TRENT pays little attention to her, but picks up his guitar and resumes playing. ANDREA Hello, Trent. TRENT grunts. ANDREA (sitting down next to TRENT) I can feel your pain, Trent. Your pain needs to be assuaged. TRENT Are you trying to say something? I have more wallowing in self-pity to do. ANDREA You're alone in a desolate world, and so am I. There is no need for this. Let us unite in a glorious whole and end our suffering once and for all! (confiscates TRENT's guitar, jumps on his lap, and tries sucking out his fillings) TRENT (pushing ANDREA away from his face) Jane! Jesse! If you can hear me, get Andrea out of here, and I won't play the blues for the next three hours! The door is kicked open, and JANE and JESSE enter. JANE and JESSE tackle ANDREA and carry her towards the door. ANDREA Please! Even if you want to get back together with Daria, consider a polygamous relationship! I'm willing to share! Honest! JESSE snickers. TRENT I don't think so. JANE Forget it, Andrea. I told you he'd never go for such a crazy idea. Exit JANE and JESSE, carrying ANDREA. 242 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. DARIA and QUINN are sitting on the sofa, watching Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show. DARIA is still wearing the Quinnesque outfit. QUINN This isn't going to work, you know. DARIA What's not going to work? QUINN This plot of yours. You may steal a few boys away from me, but you can't really expect to harm my social life. DARIA It's not much of a life you have, but a game--a sick, twisted game. You play it for fun, regardless of the consequences to others. And now someone else is going to outplay you. QUINN You've got to be kidding. You're a nobody. DARIA I'm as smart as you are, I'm as beautiful as you are, and I'll never do to them anything as twisted as what you've done to them. That makes me a serious danger to you. And I have the extra advantage that I'm not grounded. The doorbell rings. QUINN rushes to the door and opens it, revealing COREY. QUINN Oh, hi, Corey. COREY Hi, Quinn. DARIA (approaching) Hello, Corey. Here to "study" with Quinn? COREY (a bit short of breath) Hi. DARIA Do you know how many boys have "studied" this week with Quinn before you? COREY Uh... DARIA (holds up five fingers) Want to know how many of them she did it with? COREY Uh, I think I left the stove on or something. Gotta run. (rushes away) QUINN Hey! I only--why are you telling lies about me? DARIA (feigning innocence) Lies? I'm only telling over what everyone at school says. QUINN runs upstairs in tears. DARIA If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then squash 'em like a bug. 243 INT. CHEZ PIERRE. The 3 Js are at a table with DARIA. DARIA I can't believe she treats you like that, Jeffy. Two or three weeks between dates? Even with you buying her stuff? JEFFY Yeah. JOEY She does it to me, too. JAMIE Me, three. And I'm still spending most of my allowance on her! DARIA Yow. JAMIE That's not the worst of it. Sometimes she makes us, uh, do things. (beat) Like sabotage other people's stuff. She had me break Trent's radiator hose. JEFFY I had to swipe Artie's wallet. JOEY She told me to beat up Upchuck and say Sandi made me do it! And it turned out that Upchuck beat me up instead! DARIA Well, beating up Upchuck doesn't sound so bad, even though it's technically immoral. But what are you guys getting out of such an arrangement? The 3 Js look at each other uneasily, suspecting something. DARIA She's not... JAMIE Uh... DARIA (her eyes opening wider) My God, she really is-- JOEY Don't say it! I don't want these two to know! (beat) Oops. JEFFY That cheating, lying, back-stabbing monster! She said she only did it with me! JAMIE No! With me! JOEY I'll kill her! DARIA Quiet down, you guys. (beat) Sooner or later, I'm going to pull a big one on Quinn. I assume I can count you three in? JAMIE (putting his hand down on top of DARIA's) Deal. JEFFY (putting his hand down on top of JAMIE's) Deal. JOEY (putting his hand down on top of JEFFY's) Deal. EVAN comes over from another table. EVAN (putting his hand down of top of JOEY's) Deal. DARIA The corruption is even more widespread than I suspected. EVAN (sitting down) Even more than you know. Let me tell you what I know on the subject... 244 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. QUINN is sitting on the sofa, sulking, a tablet computer in her lap and a portable phone in one hand. Enter DARIA. QUINN ... Wait a minute, Jane. She just walked in. (to DARIA, holding out the phone) Daria, it's for you. DARIA (taking the phone) What? 245 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: WITH JANE IN HER ROOM. JANE What the Hell is going on between you and Trent? It took me three hours of questioning twenty-three people to confirm a rumor that you were on a date with Upchuck last night and that Trent walked in on you and Oozes-with-Slime. Why in Hell did you do such a thing? DARIA Because I was being blackmailed myself, that's why! And if your brother is so stubborn that he can't stand around long enough to let me explain, then maybe he isn't the nice guy that I thought he was. Maybe I'm better off without him! Hell, maybe I'm better off without you! 246 END SPLIT SCREEN, eliminating JANE. DARIA throws the phone down on the floor and storms up towards her room. We follow her into her room where she closes the door, collapses onto her bed, and cries. 247 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, DARIA'S ROOM, EVERYTHING IN GRAYSCALE. View is filled with DARIA's head sticking out from the covers of her bed, not exhibiting any signs of consciousness. woman's voice Daria, it's me. DARIA (groggy) Not now, Helen. woman's voice I'm not Helen. DARIA opens her eyes and sits up. Shot zooms out to include the previously unseen woman, AMY, who is standing by the bed. DARIA Mom, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead. AMY I am dead. This is a dream. DARIA Just what I need: a delusion that I'm talking with my dead mother. AMY This isn't the time to worry about whether you're having a breakdown. I'm here to talk to you about you and Trent. DARIA Great. First I get it from Jake and Quinn; now that he broke up with me, I'm getting it from you. AMY You're getting something different from me. Quinn's jealous that Trent isn't attracted to her, and Jake's an idiot. I'm here to talk you into getting back together with Trent. DARIA (pulling the covers up over her head) God, you're worse than Jane! I can't talk to him! He won't listen. How am I supposed to tell him I'm sorry? AMY (pulling the covers back) You're exaggerating things. DARIA rolls onto her side, facing away from AMY. 248 TIGHT IN: DARIA, excluding AMY. DARIA I could barely say anything to him in the first place. If Jane hadn't dragged me down to the basement, I wouldn't have talked to him at all. AMY Find a way to tell him how you feel. You know he likes you. He'll listen. DARIA That's some help. I don't know where to start. (starts rolling over towards AMY) Would you care to suggest-- 249 CUT TO: INCLUDE WHERE AMY WAS STANDING, but she's not there anymore. DARIA Mom? 250 SMASH CUT TO: SAME PLACE AS BEFORE, IN COLOR, WAKING SEQUENCE. DARIA (sitting up abruptly in bed) Mom! 251 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY. DARIA (still in Quinnesque clothing) is trying to read Carrie by Stephen King, while JANE is trying to be a pest. JANE Come on! Talk to him! DARIA ignores JANE. JANE (sitting down next to DARIA, her thigh touching hers) Okay, ignore me, but listen, Dar. From the first moment I saw you, I knew you were different. I knew deep down we were the same, rejected by society but having a common interest. Us against them, taking arms against a bunch of fools who value ignorance and persecute us because of what we are. And now, you're going to throw away everything we've had? Doesn't our relationship mean anything to you? Can you even imagine getting this far here without me? (beat; leaps up) Damn it, Daria! Don't you care about anything! Do you have any idea what you mean to me? I care about you, Daria! DARIA looks angered at this and suddenly tosses down the book and decks JANE. DARIA Where the Hell do you get off saying that? JANE (getting up, wiping the trickle of blood away from the corner of her lips) It's true; isn't it? Deep down, you know it is. What the Hell has gotten into you to betray us? DARIA You are just like your brother, Jane. Uninterested and dour, always whining and absorbed in yourself. JANE You take that back, Daria! You're sounding just like your sister Quinn! DARIA She's my cousin, God damn it! JANE Same difference since now you're just like her! Just another unfeeling, manipulative tramp! DARIA I'm going to make your face look like a Picasso painting-- JODIE (approaching) Guys, what the Hell are you doing? JANE and DARIA look back and forth for a moment between JODIE and each other. DARIA Yeah, what the Hell am I doing? (grabs her bookbag, exits) 252 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. DARIA is walking away from the library and looking very angry. MS. LI (over loudspeaker) Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's office. DARIA (to herself) Out of the frying pan, into the fire... 253 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, MS. LI'S OFFICE. MS. LI is behind her desk. MR. O'NEILL is standing nearby. There is a knock on the door. MS. LI Enter. DARIA enters. DARIA OK, what did I do this time? MS. LI Nothing you shouldn't be proud of. DARIA I beg your pardon? MR. O'NEILL (hands DARIA a letter) We just got a letter from Rosata Studios. DARIA Never heard of it. MR. O'NEILL They produce a number of news shows. They read your essay, "My So-Called Angst", and loved it! They're sending a reporter over here to interview you. DARIA I don't remember sending anything I wrote to Rosata Studios. MR. O'NEILL I sent it in to their "Spend a Day with Val" contest. DARIA Oh dear. That could put a cramp in my schedule. I've dedicated my afternoons for the next six weeks to helping old ladies across the street. MS. LI Now, now, Ms. Morgendorffer. We can't afford not to take advantage of this opportunity to bring glory and honor to Lawndale High. DARIA An opportunity? Hmm. Well, if you put it that way, how can I say "no"? MS. LI Excellent. 254 INT. THE MICHAELIS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. DARIA is sitting on the sofa working on her tablet computer. Enter HELEN from work. HELEN (rushed) Hi, family. No time to talk. Got to pick up some briefs before I meet with a client. DARIA Wait. Before you go, would you mind answering a few legal questions? HELEN Legal questions? (not wanting to discourage interest in one of her favorite topics) I suppose I could spare a few minutes... 255 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA. UPCHUCK is standing around talking to BROOKE and a few extras dressed as cheerleaders. DARIA (back to her normal gray clothing) approaches. UPCHUCK Why, ladies, it's a well-known fact in anthropology circles that-- DARIA Upchuck, we need to talk. UPCHUCK Well, Hello, Daria! Would this perhaps have to do with-- DARIA If you mean that thing that's always on your mind, no. It concerns-- UPCHUCK speeds out of the cafeteria as fast as his heels will carry him. BROOKE Hey! He was in the middle of a great story! DARIA I'll make sure not to crush his larynx. (exits running after UPCHUCK) 256 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. UPCHUCK is running, us following him. He stops abruptly and changes direction. UPCHUCK runs out of view; a few seconds later DARIA runs into view, pursuing UPCHUCK. We follow DARIA, who chases UPCHUCK through the halls until she loses him. DARIA stops, looks in several directions, then sniffs the air a few times. Following the scent, she opens the janitor's closet, revealing UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK bolts out of the closet, nearly tramples PAVLOV, and the chase resumes. UPCHUCK stops long enough to knock over a garbage can, but DARIA easily jumps over this obstacle. UPCHUCK runs into the gymnasium, climbs up the bleachers and looks like he doesn't have a clue what to do next. DARIA enters the gym, and UPCHUCK climbs out a window. DARIA follows UPCHUCK up the bleachers and looks out the window. 257 CUT TO: POV OF DARIA. We can see UPCHUCK climbing up the side of the building. 258 CUT TO: EXT. THE BUILDING. DARIA climbs out the window and up the side of the building as UPCHUCK reaches the roof. DARIA reaches the roof to find UPCHUCK on the other side of the roof. As DARIA runs towards him, UPCHUCK leaps to the roof of the next building (Lawndale High School consists of two buildings.) As DARIA leaps to the roof of the next building, UPCHUCK runs to the other side, only to find there isn't another building there. In all this, neither DARIA nor UPCHUCK pant or sweat. DARIA (cornering UPCHUCK) Can we talk now? Or do I have to beat you silly first? UPCHUCK (getting into a fighting stance) I'm warning you: I have a black belt in karate! DARIA Don't bother with that bluff. Everyone knows that you can't defend yourself against any woman you're interested in sleeping with. I can hurt you with impunity. UPCHUCK (getting out of fighting stance) Damn! DARIA So can we talk now and dispense with me beating you up? UPCHUCK If this isn't about having the time of our lives, then what is this about? DARIA Something else that may benefit the both of us. UPCHUCK raises one eyebrow. 259 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. MR. O'NEILL and DARIA are walking among many students, a few of the faculty, and the ever-present, floor-waxing PAVLOV. MR. O'NEILL A school assembly to commemorate the interview by Val? That's a great idea! I'm sure Ms. Li will agree. DARIA Good. I'm sure it'll do a lot to boost school spirit. The two go their separate ways. DARIA is presently intercepted by JANE. JANE Please! Do something! You won't believe how low the decency index of what Trent's been playing has fallen! DARIA Take it easy, Jane. I have a plan. JANE Oh? This I have to hear... 260 INT. MICHAELIS HOUSE, KITCHEN. DARIA is sitting at the table with VAL, a reporter for Sick, Sad World. She is young, blond, attractive, yet sharply attentive to what DARIA has to say. Sitting next to her is IAN "BING" CONNORS, the producer. BING dresses in sunglasses and a black leather jacket but comes off as a total dork. DARIA ... So I think the day would best be spent if we concentrated on this story idea. VAL You've got a good head on your shoulders, Daria. Have you ever considered a career as an investigative reporter? DARIA Me? On TV? Are you kidding? VAL What do you think, Bing? Should we just dump all our well-laid plans in favor of Daria's idea? BING (enthusiastically jumping up, starting to pace and make large gestures) Are you kidding? This idea's great! It's got all the major themes. It's got love, it's got violence, it's got sex, it's got conflict. We are talking a major ratings grabber here. Think about it: here in a small, suburban community we have this entire microcosm with all the angst and politics of a major power struggle squeezed into a tiny space. It's like you take a big dog and you shrink it, and you have this Chihuahua here which thinks it's a big dog and's twice as mean. We got to do this story, Val! Daria, you're beautiful! If you were old enough, I'd ask you to marry me. DARIA I'm (beat) flattered. VAL Would you happen to have a student directory available so we can start contacting people? BING I'll call the hotel, make arrangements to stay some extra days. DARIA No need to bother. (handing tablet to VAL) On this you'll find a list of all the students and teachers you want to interview, what they can tell you, and when they'll be available. A few even volunteered to be interviewed after school. Follow the schedule I made up, and you'll be able to cover everyone in a single day. BING (hugging DARIA) You're the greatest! DARIA Lawsuit! BING (letting go) Sorry! 261 MONTAGE OF SHOTS OF VAL INTERVIEWING STUDENTS. Music: Barenaked Ladies' "One Week". JANE and ANDREA tell key students where they should go at what time to be interviewed by VAL. 262 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM. Various students are entering, mulling about, and sitting down. Enter DARIA and the Michaelises, passing near a sign advertising the Sick, Sad World episode. JAKE I still can't believe it! A news story inspired by my niece's essay. HELEN We're very proud at your having adapted to life in Lawndale. DARIA Uh, thanks. QUINN (begrudgingly) Must have been some essay. DARIA Beats the Hell out of Herbert Spencer... DARIA and the Michaelises sit down. 263 DISSOLVE TO: LATER. MS. LI is speaking to the entire student body, which is assembled there. MS. LI ... And so I hope this video, provided to us by Rosata Productions, will prove as inspirational to you as much as it brings honor to Lawndale High. MS. LI steps down from the podium. The lights are turned out, and the video begins. 264 CUT TO: THE VIDEO. We begin with a shot of the exterior of Lawndale High School. announcer (out of view) What are the students really like at one of the most publicized schools in the tristate area? Next on Sick, Sad World. 265 CUT TO: EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. VAL is in front of the school. VAL This is Lawndale High School, in many ways a typical American high school. The academic standards are tough, with a fleshed-out curriculum that makes it among the leading high schools in the country today. But every place has a dark side, and Lawndale High is no exception. Beyond the control of formal authorities here, there is a group of students who rule the student body with an iron grip. Their word is treated by many as law: what to wear, how to speak, who to date. This is the dictatorship of the Fashion Club. 266 CUT TO: A DARK ROOM. We see the silhouette of someone lit from behind; the voice is obviously JANE's. JANE (silhouetted) When I first arrived at Lawndale High, things got ugly. I didn't fit in and (beat) there was no one who understood me. And a lot of the students were mean to me because I didn't dress the way they did. VAL (out of view) What exactly did they do to you? JANE (silhouetted) I got yelled at, I got disgusting things scrawled on my locker, someone stole my bra, and I even got hit a few times. VAL (out of view) And who was doing this? JANE (silhouetted) Several people, but the two who were doing it the most and egging people on were Sandi Griffin and Quinn Michaelis. 267 CUT TO: MONTAGE OF PICTURES OF SANDI. VAL (out of view) Sandi Griffin, president of the Fashion Club at Lawndale, is the daughter of a prominent local lawyer and a cosmetic surgeon. The competitiveness of these fields rubbed off on Griffin, and they were evident at even an early age. 268 CUT TO: HEATHER. SUPER: HEATHER LOCKHEED, WEIRD STUDENT HEATHER Sandi and I were in the same first grade class. VAL (out of view) And what can you tell us about what she was like back then? HEATHER Well, she was a bit of a pain in the butt. I mean, you know, she was always sucking up to the teacher, and she made up some incredible lies whenever she got caught doing anything. VAL (out of view) What sort of lies? HEATHER Well, the teacher always kept this big jar of candy on her desk, and whenever students did really well, she would give them some of the candy. One day Sandi decided she was going to take the candy, so she climbed up on the desk, put her hand in the jar, and Mrs. Keppel caught her. So Sandi said she didn't want to do it but she had to, and when she was asked why, Sandi said that Johnny Hazelwood threatened her, and if she didn't bring him some candy, he was going to hurt her with his (bleep). VAL (out of view) I see. HEATHER And then Mrs. Keppel started screaming, because anything remotely adult set her off, and we all ran, and the next day the substitute told us Mrs. Keppel would be going on an extended vacation. 269 CUT TO: BRITTANY IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. SUPER: BRITTANY TAYLOR, HEAD CHEERLEADER. BRITTANY When we were in third grade, Sandi and I were, like, both trying out for a part in the school play. VAL (out of view) And what part was that? BRITTANY Serena the pork butcher. Anyway, Sandi wanted the part so badly that the day of the audition she threw mud at me and beat me up, and then she threw my shoes in the garbage. After that, I no longer felt safe around her. That's why I learned karate! 270 CUT TO: PICTURE OF QUINN. VAL (out of view) The vice president of the Fashion Club, L. Quinn Michaelis, was of a similarly competitive background, her mother being a lawyer and her father being a consultant. 271 CUT TO: ANDREA IN THE BASEMENT OF THE LANE HOUSE. SUPER: ANDREA FLYNN, GOTH CHICK. ANDREA Quinn Michaelis has always been a major pain in the butt ever since I first met her in kindergarten. I mean, whenever she didn't get her way, she always flipped out. One time we were getting the milk and cookies and she wanted more, so she went to the teacher and told her to give her some more. When the teacher wouldn't give her any, she threw this amazing fit. Blocks were flying, she was all over the place. I swear, she was yelling "You give me some more cookies, you (bleep)ing (bleep)!" And then she got mean. 272 CUT TO: DARIA SITTING IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. SUPER: DARIA MORGENDORFFER, MISERY CHICK AND COUSIN OF L. QUINN MICHAELIS. DARIA Once when my parents were visiting Quinn's, all of our parents went out for dinner and this guy, maybe sixteen at the time, came over to baby-sit. VAL (out of view) And how old was Quinn at the time? DARIA I'd say about nine. She was a real geek back then, but she already knew that if she looked cute, she could get away with practically anything. Anyway, she was sitting close to him, gazing up at his eyes, putting her hand on his knee, and one time she suggested something involving plastic wrap. 273 CUT TO: BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD ON THEIR SOFA. SUPER: BEAVIS JONES AND CORNELIUS "BUTT-HEAD" SMITH, HOSTS BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD'S SUCKY SHOW VAL (out of view) How far back can you remember L. Quinn Michaelis? BUTT-HEAD (giggling) Well, we were about thirteen, and we liked to hang around with Daria, because her parents didn't like us, and, like, Daria liked having around people her parents didn't like. BEAVIS This was back when Daria was still dressing in pink, frilly stuff and Quinn dressed in dark brown and wore these thick glasses all the time, about six years ago. VAL (out of view) Quinn was about ten then? BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh. Well, Quinn and her parents were visiting Daria and her parents, and we came over, and Quinn looked at us-- BEAVIS With the biggest, darkest, most innocent eyes you've ever seen! BUTT-HEAD (giggling) And she said if we finished off the leftovers in the fridge, then she'd, like, score with us. BEAVIS And then Daria said Quinn didn't even know what that meant. BUTT-HEAD And so we all, like, went into the kitchen, and Quinn opened up the fridge, and she gave us some liver, and we ate it. And then she gave us some brussels sprouts, and we ate them, too. And then she gave us some crickets, and we ate them, too. BEAVIS Those were delicious! BUTT-HEAD And then she brought out some green, fuzzy things from way back in the fridge, and we ate them. VAL (out of view) And did she "score" with you two then? BEAVIS No. That's when I had a revelation! (stands up) That's when I first became (pulling the back of his shirt over his head) the Great Cornholio! Yes! I am the Great Cornholio! I serve the Almighty Void, in which the entire universe floats, as do all my people, who have no Void! I've come to bring your people TP! The Almighty Void demands TP, lots of it! We must build an altar of bathtubs, and upon it we shall sacrifice as much TP as will fit in the back of a '61 Chevy, with brilliant flames of lighter fluid, incense of dandruff shampoo, and offerings of facial tissue! Only then will the Almighty Void be satisfied! BUTT-HEAD (off to the side) Stewart! Todd! Cornholio's back! BEAVIS My people must share one Void among us all! I must have TP for my Void! BUTT-HEAD (giggling) Yeah, the one in your head. BEAVIS (to BUTT-HEAD) Are you threatening me? BUTT-HEAD No. BEAVIS Then be silent, infidel! (knocks BUTT-HEAD off the sofa and out of frame) All those who refuse to serve the Almighty Void shall be destroyed! Their flesh shall be eaten by hamsters! Their bones shall lie desolate on the floor in Daria's room! Their blood shall run down into the sewers! The Almighty Void demands that all true believers rise up against all others and end the reign of heretics! (walks up to the camera and looks straight at the camera operator) Are you the Almighty Void? Enter STEWART and TODD, who latch onto BEAVIS's arms. BEAVIS I will not be silenced! Remember that today you all have heard the commands on the Almighty Void through the Great Cornholio! STEWART and TODD drag BEAVIS away. BUTT-HEAD (reentering frame and sitting down on the sofa) He does that from time to time. 274 CUT TO: VAL IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL As bad as turning an innocent child into a religious fanatic may be, once Griffin and Michaelis hit puberty, things got really ugly. 275 CUT TO: JAMIE IN A CLASSROOM. SUPER: JAMIE WHITE, FOOTBALL PLAYER. JAMIE I remember this time when, we were, like, eleven then, Sandi took me out to the back of the school and told me she wanted to see, uh, what I looked like under my underwear. VAL (out of view) You mean-- JAMIE Yeah. And then I told her I didn't feel right about it, but she didn't want to listen, so she forced me down on the ground and sat on me and pulled down my pants. VAL (out of view) Then what did she do? Did she make you have sex with her? JAMIE No, but she did force me to eat a handful of earthworms. 276 CUT TO: VAL STANDING IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL Once Griffin and Michaelis reached high school, they officially chartered the Fashion Club, an exclusive clique from which to wield power. Griffin became president of the Fashion Club, and Michaelis vice-president. 277 CUT TO: MS. LI SITTING BEHIND HER DESK IN HER OFFICE. SUPER: ANGELA LI, PRINCIPAL MS. LI As a matter of fact, we do have a number of clubs here at Lawndale High. I'd especially like to talk about our Physics Club, which recently competed in the Olympics of the Mind. VAL (out of view) Exactly what purpose do the clubs serve? MS. LI Good question. First of all, here at Lawndale High we like to encourage our students to pursue a variety of interests. The clubs offer a way for our students to find other students with similar interests, meet with them, and pursue those interests in a constructive manner. Too many young adults in this country have no interest in anything beyond pizza and dancing, so whenever they show promise in some area, we see it as our duty to do what we can to maintain that interest. Furthermore, the clubs provide some structure and faculty supervision for the students while pursuing these interests. VAL (out of view) And how well does the existing club system actually serve these purposes? MS. LI Oh, very well, I would say. Our Greek Club is currently preparing a translation of The Odyssey, the History Club has three-dimensional, walk-through models of the Forbidden City and the Kremlin they made themselves on their Web site, and the Environmentalism Club over their summer vacation protested the harvesting policy of a logging company by lashing themselves to trees. VAL And what about some of the other clubs? I understand you have a fashion club. What have they accomplished? MS. LI Why, several things. Last year they had a drive where they collected clothes for the homeless during our Volunteerism Week. They certainly demonstrated responsibility with style there! (chuckle) 278 CUT TO: PAVLOV STANDING IN A HALLWAY AT LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. SUPER: ANTON PAVLOV, JANITOR PAVLOV (hushed voice) I saw the clothes they collected. They only took clothes they approved of, so they ended up with only a pair of go-go boots and a belly chain. VAL (out of view) And what was the reaction to that? PAVLOV Well, nothing. You know how the administration is here, not going to say anything to knock down their little darlings. Athletics and image, that's all they care about. And the worst of it was a week later when I was bugged by a panhandler wearing those go-go boots. 279 CUT TO: DR. MANSON IN HER OFFICE. SUPER: DR. MARGARET MANSON, SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST AND FACULTY ADVISOR TO THE FASHION CLUB. DR. MANSON is standing by her desk, looking broken-up. VAL (out of view) Dr. Manson? DR. MANSON (sadly) Yes? VAL (out of view) I'm Val with Sick, Sad World. We called earlier about doing a story on student life. DR. MANSON I remember. Please, come in. VAL Is this a bad time? We can come back later. DR. MANSON No, please, have a seat. I'm just a little shook up. Something one of the students told me, but I'll be OK. I just need to steady myself a bit. VAL OK... Could you tell us-- DR. MANSON (losing it) The poor boy! It's so horrible! VAL (out of view) Dr. Manson? DR. MANSON I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to center myself. (closes eyes, breathes deeply) I am in control of my universe. I am in control of my universe. I am--bugger it all! (takes hip flask out of purse, takes a sip, pauses, takes another sip, starts to put the cap pack on, then reverses and chugs the entire flask empty, pauses, then holds the flask completely upside-down over her mouth and taps the bottom several times to get the last few drops) VAL (out of view) Are you OK? DR. MANSON (returning flask to purse) Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed to, um, reestablish my personal distance and calm my mind. Much better now. (begins walking unsteadily towards couch, stumbles, ends up falling headlong on the floor) VAL (out of view) Dr. Manson? DR. MANSON I'm fine, perfectly fine. (crawls from floor onto couch, which she lays on sprawling, her arms sticking out over one of the armrests; speaks with a slight slur) What was that question? VAL (out of view) Could you tell us the role clubs play in the lives of students here at Lawndale High School? DR. MANSON Certainly. Clubs are an important part of the student experience as they are one of the multiplicative avenues through which peer relations are formed and maintained. VAL (out of view) They're a good place to find friends. DR. MANSON I just said that. They give young adults a place to fit in with others of similar interests and provide for some stability. VAL (out of view) What do you mean by "stability"? DR. MANSON The group as a whole decides on and sets norms and limits within which the individual operates and to which one can conform. VAL (out of view) It gives them models to follow. DR. MANSON Must you repeat everything I say? VAL (out of view) We've heard a lot about the Fashion Club lately. Do they serve the purposes you've just described? DR. MANSON Ah, the Fashion Club! I've heard about them too. Good example. Every day young people are mercilessly pummeled with all these messages: This is cool, that is uncool, buy this, do that, grab this, poke that, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and so forth. I mean, the typical kid, who is probably mentally numb anyway from living on sugar and caffeine and blasting their brains out to loud music, what chance do they have to make sense of all this? And there is such a cultural generational gap between parents and kids that trying to open lines of communication for advice is futile. Don't even bother. So where do they go to? Their peers, their cohort. That, my friend, that is where they go, to others their own age, sex, race, religion, socioeconomic status, shoe size, things like that, I know there's more I can't remember, and... The poor boy, no one should have to suffer so horribly... Where am I? Cohort! That's it! You go to your cohort, especially others in your cohort you look up to. That's wrong. You go to others in your cohort to whom up you look. VAL (out of view) And you are suggesting the Fashion Club serves this role? DR. MANSON Abso-bloody-lutely. Here you have this group of girls, beautiful girls, so perfect, so wonderful, so young, not a care in the world... God, I was like that, and now I've grown, watching myself get older day after day, year after year-- VAL (out of view) Dr. Manson? DR. MANSON Sorry, I forgot where I was. Where was I? Fashion Club. I love the Fashion Club. And who shouldn't? They are there for a reason, I tell you. I mean, they are the ones best equipped to understand and navigate the complex and bewildering world of style and fashion. Because of this, they can serve as role models, as a beacon for others to follow. And, I mean, kids need help from the best among them. What will they fall into if they don't? Grunge revival? VAL (out of view) You seem to be emphasizing the influences of the peer group in the lives of students. What about other influences, such as the mother? DR. MANSON You keep her out of it, the manipulative (bleep)! (falls onto floor) 280 CUT TO: VAL STANDING IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL Despite the paeans heaped upon them by some of the faculty, one thing became clear in our discussions with students, and that is that the Fashion Club is anything but benign. 281 CUT TO: JANE, SILHOUETTED. JANE (silhouetted) Sandi and Quinn have this idea that certain groups should not mix. Popular people should not mix with those they consider ordinary. When I was a freshman, I was dating this guy, but because I wasn't one of the popular people and he was a jock, Sandi went to talk to him and I got dumped. I've heard since then that she slept with him, the slut. VAL (out of view) You are certain she did this? JANE (silhouetted) They were caught doing it in the bathroom. 282 CUT TO: BROOKE IN THE LOCKER ROOM AT LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL. SUPER: BROOKE BENFORD, CHEERLEADER. BROOKE You want to know about the Fashion Club? I'll tell you about the Fashion Club! They've been coming down on me about the way I dress the entire time I'm here! I mean, I fret about what to wear every day, I'm shopping all the time for something better, and does it help me? No! I swear, just the other day I'm walking through the hall, doing nothing to bother anyone, and there's Sandi and Tiffany, and they're pointing at me and yelling "Stretch pants! She's wearing stretch pants!" And everyone is looking and staring, and people start laughing, and all I can do is cry out "They're leggings! They're leggings!" VAL (out of view) So I take it you don't like the way the Fashion Club has treated you. BROOKE They're horrible! I mean, so maybe I have a hard time coordinating because I'm color-blind, but that's no reason to come down on someone! Heartless (bleep), I hope they hurt themselves on their high heels and have to get their feet cut off! 283 CUT TO: AXL SITTING ON A COUCH. SUPER: AXL GOMPERTZ, STUDENT WITH AN "IN YOUR FACE" ATTITUDE. Posters for Limp Bizkit and Megadeth are in the background. AXL Yeah, I can tell you about them. I was in gym class one day, doing me usual, sitting on the bleachers, not participating, when I strike up a conversation with one of the cheerleaders. She's a pretty little sheila, so ask her if she would like to go out to get a bite one of these days, and she says yes, and then when I'm in the locker room I get Tommy Sherman in me face telling me I need to stay away from her or he's gonna rearrange me face. And then I ask him why, and he tells me that Sandi doesn't like a scruffy guy like me hanging out with a cheerleader, and what makes Sandi unhappy makes him unhappy. And so I asked him if he did everything Sandi told him to do, and he got mad, and he hit me, and he knocked out some of me teeth, and he gave me a wedgie, and then he tried to flush me head down the loo. A phone rings. AXL starts clucking like a chicken. VAL (out of view) Are you alright? AXL continues clucking and struts around as if he were a chicken. 284 CUT TO: TED IN HIS BEDROOM. SUPER: TED DEWITT-CLINTON, PRESIDENT OF THE FENCING CLUB AND FAN OF THE 16TH CENTURY. On the walls are posters of Bach and Mozart. There are a number of antiques in the room, including several swords, clocks with moving parts, and a treble viol. TED I was home-schooled until high school. The transition was therefore rather difficult. Before then I had never tried gum or pizza or listened to rock music. I hadn't a clue that I was the only one in the area to play the viol. VAL The what? TED The treble viol. (gestures towards the viol) These days I generally play Jimmi Hendrix on it. VAL OK... How do Quinn and Sandi fit into all this? TED The first day I had these three football players surround me and tell me that Quinn wanted to see me, and they were calling me Cliff. I told them my name wasn't Cliff, but they didn't care and tried to grab me. Good thing I'd been studying kung fu for several years. After I beat them up, I forced one to take me to Quinn. He took me to see this girl in a pink T-shirt, Quinn Michaelis, and she told me she didn't want me hanging around Judy anymore. I told her I didn't know who Judy was and that my name wasn't Cliff, but she told another bunch of football players to beat me up and run my underpants up the flagpole. I sent the second batch of football players running for the hills, and no football player has dared attack me again, but most of the young ladies have been too scared of the Fashion Club to come near me. VAL (out of view) Was this your only run-in with the Fashion Club? TED No. More recently I fell in love with this beautiful girl, but she's in the Fashion Club, and she's scared of Sandi and Quinn, so we have to see each other in secret. VAL (out of view) What would happen to her if you two saw each other openly? TED It could be bad for her, from what I hear. 285 CUT TO: PAVLOV. PAVLOV About a year ago one of the members of the Fashion Club quit. Those girls got very mean to her. One weekend she disappeared, and three days later she was found on the edge of Swedesville, wandering around in a daze. 286 CUT TO: A SILHOUETTED FIGURE, THE VOICE OBVIOUSLY THAT OF MONIQUE. SUPER: EX-FASHION CLUB MEMBER MONIQUE (silhouetted) Sounding on the verge of bursting into tears I was with the Fashion Club for about six months. It was OK, I guess, but all they would talk about was how they looked, what they wore, makeup, clothes, and playing mind games with boys. It got really boring, so I quit. Sandi got really upset. She came over to my house and was ranting and raving like some of those nuts on the Internet, telling me that I would suffer, and that her mom was a lawyer, and that she could make me miserable. My folks taught me to not give in to bullies. Anyway, I was getting yelled at in the halls, Tiffany spit on me once, I got "LEZ (bleep)" scrawled on my locker, Sandi tripped me in the hallway... I complained to the teachers but they wouldn't do anything. 287 CUT TO: MS. BARCH IN HER CLASSROOM. SUPER: JANET BARCH, SCIENCE TEACHER AND MISANDRIC PSYCHOPATH MS. BARCH I can't believe girls would do that to each other. Boys, on the other hand, every (bleep)ing one of those mofos would sooner beat up on someone else than do something nice. Do you hear me, Mark? 288 CUT TO: MONIQUE, SILHOUETTED. MONIQUE (silhouetted) About a week after I quit, I was sleeping in my own bed when these three figures in dark clothes broke into my room and gave me a face full of chloroform. The next thing I know, I was in the woods, tied to a chair and gagged. VAL (out of view) And were these three people there? MONIQUE (silhouetted) (sobbing) Yes. VAL (out of view) And what did they do to you? MONIQUE (silhouetted) It was horrible. One of them told me I was a traitor, that I had betrayed their trust after they had invested so much in me, that I had embarrassed them, and for that I would be made to suffer. VAL (out of view) So then what happened? MONIQUE (silhouetted) One of them got out this paddle and beat me with it. Then they took my clothes off and put me in (beat; sniff) bell-bottoms, and some awful-looking cowboy boots, and a T-shirt with lots of holes in it. Then one of them got out this lipstick, a glossy cherry red, and scrawled "TRAITOR" across my face. Then they blindfolded me and tossed me out of a moving vehicle. When I was finally found, well, it's too awful to tell! 289 CUT TO: TIFFANY. SUPER: TIFFANY BLUM-DECKLER, TREASURER OF THE FASHION CLUB. TIFFANY I have no comment. STACY bursts into the shot. SUPER: STACY ROWE, SECRETARY OF THE FASHION CLUB. STACY I can't stand it anymore! Sandi and Quinn are the thought police of Lawndale High! If you disagree with their ideas about what clothes to wear and who to date and how to think, they threaten and intimidate you into submission! I don't care anymore! I love Ted Dewitt-Clinton, and I want the whole, wide world to know! Ted, my darling, where are you? (runs away crying) TIFFANY Let me repeat: we have no comment about Sandi Griffin and L. Quinn Michaelis whatsoever. 290 CUT TO: VAL STANDING IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL By the end of their freshman year, Griffin and Michaelis were in complete control of the student body, their rule being nearly absolute. But how they managed this is the most shocking part of the tale. 291 CUT TO: A SILHOUETTED FIGURE, THE VOICE OBVIOUSLY BELONGING TO JOEY. JOEY (silhouetted) I had been a football player when I first met Quinn. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever met. One day I was cleaning up in the locker room after practice when she appeared. She asked me if I was sore after practice, offered to rub some oil on me to help my muscles relax. And then (beat) one thing lead to another, and we... VAL (out of view) You had sex with her? JOEY (silhouetted) It's not like we planned it, well, I planned it. I mean, she did things no other girl ever did for me. VAL (out of view) Like she had a lot of experience? JOEY (silhouetted) Yeah. (beat) The next thing I knew was that she was having me do things to people she didn't approve of. And if I didn't want to, say, beat up Artie Wilcox, she would turn on the charm and explain it to me using words I didn't understand, such as "deontology" and "social deconstruction", and before I knew it, I'd do what she'd want. 292 CUT TO: DARIA IN THE COURTYARD. VAL (out of view) Would you call Michaelis intellectual? DARIA I would call Quinn dishonest. Quinn reads a lot and spouts off lines or ideas from any convenient writer, especially political ones, sometimes real ones and sometimes loud fanatics hiding their agenda behind big words and slogans. The particular usage, though, seems to be related to what is wanted of her. If a teacher wants something of her, she'll talk about epistemology and how knowledge is unobtainable. If her parents want her to do something, she'll talk about exploitation of labor and oppression. On particularly interesting occasions she's been known to quote such bizarre combinations as Noam Chomsky, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Malcom X within breaths of each other. However, if she wants someone to do something, she'll switch gears and be talking about social responsibility, group norms, civil disobedience, or anything she can twist and mutilate into an argument which most people can't counter because they can't understand what she's saying. It's opportunistic and a poor reflection on genuine intellectuals everywhere. 293 CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM WITH MR. DIMARTINO. SUPER: ANTHONY DIMARTINO, HISTORY TEACHER AND MANIAC VAL (out of view) What can you tell us about L. Quinn Michaelis's performance in class? MR. DIMARTINO Let me just say that Quinn is one of those exceptions that disproves the rule. Quinn is a straight-A student and one of the most knowledgeable I've taught. She's also the student I least like to be around, and that includes all the ignorant half-wits for which "idiot" is too polite a term. VAL (out of view) And what is it she does that makes her so unpleasant to be around? MR. DIMARTINO Quinn is probably the most conceited student I've met and doesn't seem to take her work seriously. Every assignment she finds some way to keep within what she's assigned to do but still do something to drive me crazy. VAL (out of view) Such as? MR. DIMARTINO One time her class had to do an assignment on nondemocratic societies. Quinn decided to do it on China under Mao Zedong, an excellent idea. Unfortunately, she referenced a lot of original sources, a lot of original sources in Chinese. As I can't read Chinese, I had no way of verifying her sources. VAL (out of view) That's a problem? MR. DIMARTINO Very much so. I find it incredible how much plagiarism goes on at so high an educational level. For all I know she just translated an entire essay from the original Chinese or just made the whole thing up! VAL (out of view) It sounds like there isn't much trust in your class. MR. DIMARTINO Trust? Most of those lazy, moronic pea-brains would sooner cheat than do the work they should be doing, even if the cheating took more effort! Quinn, I must say, is interesting. I haven't caught her cheating yet, but she's vengeful--and creative about it too. One time I gave her a B-plus on a paper, something she doesn't like, and I got this dirty look from her. Every time I get that dirty look something bad happens. This particular time I went into the teacher's lounge, chucked my lunch in the fridge, and tried to leave, only to find the door jammed shut. Then the carbon monoxide detector went off, and it wasn't long before I could feel the air going bad. I tried smashing the outside window, only to find someone put up steel bars across it. If it wasn't for that idiot Kevin Thompson backing his car through the wall at an opportune moment, I would be dead by now. VAL (out of view) The quarterback? MR. DIMARTINO Lucky accident. Why do you think he's still allowed to play? VAL (out of view) And L. Quinn Michaelis was responsible for this? MR. DIMARTINO The police found no fingerprints, no fibers, no DNA, nothing. But I know she did it. One day the (bleep) is going to mess up, and I'm going to be there laughing my butt off! (evil laugh) 294 CUT TO: ANDREA. VAL (out of view) How has L. Quinn Michaelis changed your life? ANDREA About two years ago, Quinn came onto my boyfriend and told him some lie about me being a Methodist Satanist, whatever the Hell that is. He dumped me faster than Quinn dumps yesterday's fashions. VAL (out of view) What did you do when your boyfriend dumped you? ANDREA I told him that he was an idiot, which he proved to me because he interpreted everything I did after that as being Satanic. It all went downhill from there. People made up wilder and wilder stories about me based on the rumors they'd heard mixed with real incidents. I was even arrested by an idiot police officer on suspicion of murder when a toddler got lost in the woods. Very few boys would even come near me then, except for the geeks and a few who didn't believe in Methodist Satanists or didn't care. After the last breakup, which was with a guy who didn't feel we were compatible so far as personality was concerned, I got really depressed and went Goth. I've been Goth ever since. Now all I want to do is suck out the Attention-Slut's blood and watch her lifeless corpse be eaten by maggots until nothing but dry bones remains. Only then can I truly be happy. (getting visibly angry) You hear me, Quinn? I'm going to dig up your body when you die and watch it rot! And when I die, I'm going to follow you all the way to the seventh circle of Hell and beat you bloody with a pitchfork! There's no way they won't let me! 295 CUT TO: JAMIE. JAMIE Since the beginning of the school year, I've been going out with Quinn, and she, uh... makes me do things, nasty things to other people. Largely breaking their cars. Usually if some guy with a car gets in Quinn's bad graces, she has me steal his spark plugs or remove his carburetor. Once I even cut some guy's brake lines; he was almost killed when his car crashed into an ice cream truck. It's only when I do such stuff that, uh, she really makes me feel like a man. VAL (out of view) And when she doesn't have someone whose car she wants you to sabotage? JAMIE She pretty much ignores me, even though I try my best to impress her. 296 CUT TO: A SILHOUETTED FIGURE IN A DARKENED ROOM, FROM THE VOICE OBVIOUSLY JEFFY. VAL (out of view) Tell me about your involvement with L. Quinn Michaelis. JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, I was dating this one girl, but people were talking about her. Some students were talking about her being a practicing Satanist. VAL (out of view) A Satanist? JEFFY (silhouetted) Yes, a member of the United Methodist Church of Satan of Latter-Day Sinners. VAL (out of view) And what is a Methodist Satanist? JEFFY (silhouetted) I, uh, really don't know. VAL (out of view) You'd never heard of a Methodist Satanist before. JEFFY (silhouetted) Before then, no. VAL (out of view) And did this cause you two to break up? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, yeah. You think I want to be seen with a Methodist Satanist? VAL (out of view) Even though you have no idea what a Methodist Satanist is? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, it sounds bad. VAL (out of view) You broke up because people said your girlfriend was something that sounded bad. JEFFY (silhouetted) That's (beat) about, (beat) uh, (beat) yeah. VAL (out of view) While we were just talking, I did a quick search and found no on-line references to Methodist Satanists. Did it ever occur to you to look up what the term meant? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, no. VAL (out of view) And why not? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, uh, you know, (beat) maybe I (beat) you know, I have no idea. VAL (out of view) So you dumped your girlfriend because people were saying she belonged to a religion which probably doesn't exist, even though you could have easily checked this fact in less than a minute. JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, it sounds kind of stupid when you put it that way. VAL (out of view) So after you dumped your girlfriend, what happened then? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, I started dating Quinn. I mean, she's got a nice body on her, and she seemed interested in me, and everyone around me was saying that if I went out with her she'd (bleep) me on the first date. VAL (out of view) And did she? JEFFY (silhouetted) Oh, yeah! It was incredible what she did! VAL (out of view) What exactly did she do? JEFFY (silhouetted) How explicit do you want me to be? VAL (out of view) The more, the better. JEFFY (silhouetted) But you can't show that, can you? VAL (out of view) Don't worry; we're on Fox. JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, then, we first did this thing like they did in the car scene in Lusty Ladies of New Brunswick, and then she got on top of me and we did something wicked like the first pool scene in Spitfire Porno Babes from Hell 6, and then we just went crazy and finished it off with something really disgusting that felt really good. VAL (out of view) So L. Quinn Michaelis was really good at it. JEFFY (silhouetted) Oh, yeah, you bet. I don't think I've ever (bleep)ed a girl that was half as good. VAL (out of view) So Michaelis was very experienced at the time you first had sex? JEFFY (silhouetted) No, I was her first. VAL (out of view) And how do you know this? JEFFY (silhouetted) She told me she was a virgin. VAL (out of view) And you believed her? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, (beat) yeah. VAL (out of view) Even though she was very good at it? JEFFY (silhouetted) Um, uh... VAL (out of view) Good enough beyond the performance usually associated with virgins? JEFFY (silhouetted) You know, I really hate you picking on me like this. VAL (out of view) So you enjoyed your encounter with Michaelis? JEFFY (silhouetted) Oh, yeah, definitely. Will a dog eat food dropped on the floor? VAL (out of view) So how often did you date and have sex with Michaelis? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, actually, not often. Sometimes it was a couple weeks between dates. VAL (out of view) And were you the only person dating her? JEFFY (silhouetted) Yes, absolutely... (beat) absolutely not. VAL (out of view) She went out with other people? JEFFY (silhouetted) Yes. VAL (out of view) How many other people? JEFFY (silhouetted) Um, a few. A lot. A whole lot. Maybe about half the school. VAL (out of view) Which half was this? JEFFY (silhouetted) The male half. VAL (out of view) I see. Did she ever say why she was dating so many other young men at the same time she was seeing you? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, she once said that she was an addict. She had this problem that she needed attention, lots of it, far beyond the ability of any one man to provide. VAL (out of view) So you accepted this arrangement. JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, (beat) yes. VAL (out of view) And was she having sex with any of the other young men she was dating? JEFFY (silhouetted) No, no, certainly not. Quinn would never do that! VAL (out of view) But other people told you that if you went out with Quinn you were certain to get sex. JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, yeah. VAL (out of view) And how did they know this unless they also had similar experiences? JEFFY (silhouetted) (long pause) You know, you're really getting on my nerves, Val. VAL (out of view) So, did Michaelis ever demand you do something before she would have sex with you? JEFFY (silhouetted) Oh, always. "Get the lubricated kind" she told me. VAL (out of view) I meant, did she ever have you do anything not related to the sex before she would sleep with you? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, not, um, well, yes. Sometimes. Like she asked me to put something in a drawer. VAL (out of view) A drawer? JEFFY (silhouetted) One of the teacher's desk drawers. VAL (out of view) And why did she ask you to do that? JEFFY (silhouetted) (beat) I don't know. 297 CUT TO: MS. DEFOE. SUPER: CLAIRE DEFOE, ART TEACHER There is a painting in the background. MS. DEFOE Quinn turned in this jar of fire ants for a sculpture project and told me it represented how she felt inside. When I told her I expected something more of her, she went into this long speech about how art was subjective, that I was repressing her non-Aristotlean way of thinking, and that I had no appreciation of differing points of view. I gave her a D on her sculpture, and two days later when I opened my desk drawer, there was this thing in there. VAL (out of view) What kind of thing? MS. DEFOE (becoming increasingly disturbed) It was horrible. It was the most unreal piece of sculpture I've ever seen, something with all the darkness of Chagall, the dreamlike quality of Dali twisted until it became nightmarish. This thing expressed all the angst, fear, and loathing of an entire lifetime of persecution and condensed it into an item no bigger than a fist. The workmanship was spectacular, with fine details that I would have a hard time duplicating. There was this quality to it, as if this were an impressionist painting made solid, as if someone could sculpt a cloud. This thing, it was so scary, so haunting, I couldn't get it out of my head. Day after day I would try to teach, but I would imagine this sculpture and suddenly burst out crying. I couldn't get any sleep because whenever I closed my eyes it would be there, following me. (on the verge of bursting into tears) How am I supposed to function with a sculpture haunting me? VAL (out of view) But you got over it, right? MS. DEFOE Yeah. (beat) Thank you, Jack Daniels. 298 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED JEFFY. VAL (out of view) Was that the only time Quinn asked you to do something like that? JEFFY (silhouetted) No. There were a lot of times when she told me to do things like, you know, slash tires, punch out geeks, extort money from people, things like that. One time, though, she got irritated at some guy. It was about Halloween, and she wanted me to teach him a lesson. VAL (out of view) What did she ask you to do? JEFFY (silhouetted) Well, she told me to go to his house and vandalize the place. So I show up that night, and they have this jack o'lantern in front, and I'm thinking I should smash the stupid thing, so I back up and give this thing a big kick, and that's when I realized that the jack o'lantern was really a nicely done concrete sculpture. 299 CUT TO: MACK AND JODIE IN A LIVING ROOM. SUPER: MICHAEL JORDAN MACKENZIE, CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND JODIE LANDON, STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT MACK Sandi likes to use guys. 300 CUT TO: A SILHOUETTED FIGURE, THE VOICE OBVIOUSLY COREY'S. COREY (silhouetted) I am so afraid of Sandi! Help me, please! 301 CUT TO: MACK AND JODIE. MACK Early on, she tried to get me to ask her out, and I was telling her, I already got me a girlfriend. Besides, she's bad news; something bad always happens to people who date her. JODIE Hey, do you remember what happened to Jeff Landers? MACK That's hilarious! JODIE I was over at Michael's house on Halloween, and we're opening up some more bags of candy for the next kids to come along when suddenly we hear this loud, crunching noise, and then this scream, so we run out, and there's Jeffy lying in the driveway clutching his foot and screaming. What had happened was he was coming over and he tripped over Michael's concrete jack o'lantern, or so he says. His foot was in a cast for six weeks. MACK He was up for some trouble somewhere; he was carrying a roll of toilet paper, the quilted kind. Was it Sandi or Quinn he was dating? JODIE Both. VAL (out of view) Michael, how did Griffin react when you spurned her advances? MACK Well, first she tried harder, but I really wasn't interested. So then a few days later I found my car scratched up, the tires slashed, the window broken, and no one had seen who did it. JODIE Eventually we hired someone to dig up anything we could blackmail Sandi with. It cost us, but it was worth it. Most people around here aren't so fortunate. VAL (out of view) What sort of blackmail material is it? MACK We're not at liberty to discuss that. Though we've taken every precaution we could think of against our losing that material, we don't dare reveal anything about its whereabouts. We don't want to give Sandi any information she could use. VAL (out of view) Is there any boy at Lawndale High Sandi and Quinn haven't tried seducing? JODIE Actually there are a few, mostly idiots. If Quinn or Sandi slept with them, they'd tell everyone. Not only would that ruin the Fashion Fiend's and Attention Slut's pretense of monogamy, but some of them have rather dangerous girlfriends. 302 CUT TO: KEVIN. SUPER: KEVIN THOMPSON, EXTREMELY STUPID FOOTBALL PLAYER KEVIN I don't get it. Quinn and Sandi never wanted to go out with me. 303 CUT TO: BRITTANY. BRITTANY I would kill Sandi or Quinn if they tried stealing my Kevvy away from me--and I can. 304 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED COREY COREY (silhouetted) Guys will do anything to be with Quinn and Sandi, and they take advantage of this. I've gone broke taking them out, and they aren't interested in me except for an occasional date when I have tickets to a good event. VAL (out of view) Did they ever try to make you do anything to hurt anyone? COREY (silhouetted) Yeah, but I could never make myself hurt anyone. I got beaten up a few times for refusing. 305 CUT TO: ARTIE. SUPER: ARTIE WILCOX, ALIEN ABDUCTEE. ARTIE It's too bad Quinn and Sandi won't sleep with me; I'd do anything for the chance. (beat) You will tell them that, won't you? 306 CUT TO: VAL STANDING IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL Not only do Michaelis and Griffin have such wanton disregard for those who dare oppose them, but for each other as well. 307 CUT TO: CURTIS. SUPER: CURTIS DELANO, STUDENT BODY TREASURER. CURTIS Actually, I have no interest in either Quinn or Sandi. (beat) That's because I'm gay. But Sandi and Quinn have had it in for each other since they both noticed guys. It's like they're trying to control more guys than each other and trample each other in the process. They stole my boyfriend when they found out he was bisexual. What I don't understand is why they keep up the pretense of being friends. 308 CUT TO: ROBERT. SUPER: ROBERT B. HEAD, BEER CONNOISSEUR. ROBERT (obviously having braced himself with liquor) I have been used by both Sandi and Quinn. They had me give wedgies to Artie. It was like they were rushing to do it with me first at all costs. And they had me TP each other's house--on the same night! 309 CUT TO: EVAN. SUPER: EVAN MENTEN, TRACK STAR AND STUDENT COUNCIL SECRETARY. EVAN Sandi convinced me to dump my girlfriend for her, but when I finally did it, they dumped me quicker than yesterday's garbage. They just lost interest, especially when I told them I wouldn't do anything to hurt the other one or whoever the other one happened to be dating or anyone else. I'm on the track team, and one thing I've learned on the track team is to always play fair and treat even opponents with respect, but the whole idea seemed like heresy to them. I never did manage to convince my girlfriend to take me back. 310 CUT TO: TOMMY ON A FOOTBALL FIELD. SUPER: TOMMY SHERMAN, FOOTBALL PLAYER. TOMMY How dare you desecrate Sandi's name, you (bleep)ing (bleep)! Quinn put you up to this, didn't she? That little (bleep)ing (bleep) will do anything to hurt Sandi! I'll kill her! (runs off towards a goal-post; his mind on other things than where he's going, runs into the goal-post, which collapses on top of him) 311 CUT TO: BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD ON THEIR SOFA. VAL (out of view) Are you sure you're up to this? BEAVIS Positive. VAL (out of view) Tell us about your run-in with Griffin and Michaelis. BUTT-HEAD Who? BEAVIS Sandi and Quinn. BUTT-HEAD Oh. BEAVIS This was a few months after we started the show. Ratings went down a bit, and so we decided to go on the road and broadcast from the various towns in the area to drum up support. BUTT-HEAD It was Stewart's idea. BEAVIS Anyway, we came to Lawndale, and we set up shop right in front of the high school. Students came out and told us what they thought of the latest videos. It was great! BUTT-HEAD Fans loved it. BEAVIS One day, Sandi came to me and told me that if I beat up some guys called Jamie, Jeffy, and Joey, then she'd, like, sleep with me. BUTT-HEAD And Quinn heard about it, so she told me that if I beat up Beavis, she'd score with me. And then I met Beavis on the way to beat up those other three guys, and we start beating each other up, and this whole crowd gathers around us. It was cool! VAL (out of view, a bit disturbed by their lack of concern for their own welfare) Did either of you sleep with Michaelis or Griffin? BEAVIS No, but Todd caught the whole thing on tape! The ratings went through the roof! 312 CUT TO: A SILHOUETTED FIGURE, FROM THE VOICE CLEARLY UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK is apparently wearing a smoking jacket and holding a brandy sniffer. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Why, yes, I'm very familiar with Ms. Michaelis's and Ms. Griffin's activities. I can tell you many things, Val, probably more than anyone else about the goings-on in this school. Are you sure you don't want any brandy? I have plenty. VAL (out of view) I'm sure. Please continue. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Your loss. (takes a sip) Sandi, that is one interesting woman. Feisty, rowr! Quinn Michaelis once paid me to break into Sandi's room, see if I could find anything of interest. VAL (out of view) She didn't have sex with you? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Quinn is not my type, though I'm sure she's insane about me. And money, after all, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Parenthetically, I wouldn't be surprised if you yourself start feeling my fortune's effects shortly. But as for Sandi, I can say what I found there was interesting. For example, she has a large number of porcelain dolls, as well as several ribbons and trophies from beauty contests from when she was very young. As for her other habits, her habits with virile young men, the evidence there was quite arousing. Perhaps I should say no more so as not to shock the viewers. VAL (out of view) Please, go on. We'll probably rerun this episode during Sweeps Week. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Very well, you've twisted my arm. (sips brandy) Aside from the usual clothes in Sandi's closet, which was perhaps overfilled, she had a few interesting items. One was a cat-suit that appeared to be made of black leather, one that ought to have stretched taut over her already-thin frame. There were also several pinafores, a French maid outfit, a nurse's uniform, a nun's habit, and in the very back stuffed in a hat box was an animatronic cat mask. There was also a drawer full of interesting underwear, most made from--well, they were just so dull after what I found under the bed. (sips brandy) VAL (out of view) What did you find under the bed? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) I'm glad you asked. Stashed under her bed were more things, interesting things, very arousing things. There were at least five kinds of lotions, creams, and jellies, and a substantial supply of prophylactics. There were also several devices which, when switched on, would provide some rather stimulating vibrations. I also took the liberty of going through her storage media and found some rather interesting files. Much of it was of related content, including several movies of "mature" content. VAL (out of view) And what do you imagine Griffin did with all these interesting items? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) I don't have to imagine. Part of it was confirmed by her own files, which included records of Quinn Michaelis's dating versus her own. Obviously very competitive, and if they were not careful, they could have both easily contracted the same diseases. But Sandi wasn't just trying to outdo Quinn. Whenever she wanted something, be it clothes, or to get vengeance against someone, she would often get some unsuspecting young man to do it for her in exchange for a date and sometimes the indulgence of some fantasy. VAL (out of view) And she kept records of this? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) The number of people involved was quite large, so record-keeping was essential for her to keep track of who was most pliable to her demands, how much it would cost her, what positions they preferred, and the like. (sips brandy) At that point--and she has had enough time since to accrue plenty more--Sandi had dated at least eighty separate individuals on over six hundred separate dates over her high school career so far, and had slept with twenty-nine of those individuals, mostly multiple times. Half of those times correlate with specific instances of vandalism, theft, and assault, both in the school as well as in the local area, as well as one occurrence of attempted murder. VAL (out of view) So you're suggesting that Sandi had these boys commit crimes in exchange for sex, wild sex, exciting sex, sometimes even fetishistic, perverted sex? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) I'm not suggesting. While I was surveying her bedroom, I took the liberty to set up cameras. (takes out tablet computer, hands it to VAL) This first picture... 313 CUT TO: PICTURE OF COREY IN A PINAFORE WITH HEAVY MAKEUP AND HOLDING AN OVERSIZED LOLLIPOP WHILE SANDI IS SITTING ON THE BED. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) (out of view) ... shows Sandi at work. 314 FADE TO: UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) I'm afraid the other content there is so explicit that it can't be shown without blacking out all the interesting parts. There's no audio since Sandi usually did it to loud music, but I think the samples there I've provided are fairly incriminating. Surely the police would be very interested in obtaining these pictures, as would a number of "adult" Web sites. VAL (out of view) Why did Michaelis have you search Griffin's bedroom? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Quinn and Sandi only pretend to be friends. Really they're rivals, bitterly competing with each other for how many people they can bring under their control and how much attention they can get. The two have largely split the student body into their spheres of influence, with a considerable amount of overlap. They do, of course, differ in whom they control; Quinn has more influence over the most popular people while Sandi has influence over a larger group. Having extended themselves so much, there is little new territory in which to expand, so both Quinn and Sandi have been looking for ways around this impasse. Hence Quinn contacted me to solicit my services. VAL (out of view) And just how did Michaelis compensate you for your services? UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Let's just leave certain things unsaid, but this was nowhere near the first time she'd employed my services. Quinn especially likes to employ me to spy on competitors and potential victims. Very recently she was competing with Sandi to see who could break up this lovely couple, to whom I shall refer as the Misery Chick and the Narcoleptic, who were sufficiently devoted so as to be difficult for Quinn to bring the latter under her spell. The prize for doing so was presidency of the Fashion Club; this was a deal that had been made in haste, and one that Quinn was going to take advantage of, even if she had to sell her soul to the Devil. By planting cameras in well-chosen spots, I was able to obtain some potentially embarrassing video on them. I then used this footage to blackmail the Misery Chick into going on a date with me. Unknown to her, I sent word to the Narcoleptic to show up at the right place and time so that he saw me and the Misery Chick together on our date, despaired, and broke up with the Misery Chick. Needless to say, the two of them have been very miserable ever since. 315 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED JANE. VAL (out of view) Do you have any last thoughts on Michaelis and Griffin? JANE (silhouetted) Paint-balls. VAL (out of view) Pardon me? JANE (silhouetted) Lobbing paint-balls at Sandi and Quinn. 316 CUT TO: HEATHER. HEATHER I wish them only the best. They'll need it in Hell. 317 CUT TO: BRITTANY. BRITTANY I'll kill them if they come anywhere near my Kevvy! 318 CUT TO: ANDREA. ANDREA Besides condemning them to the nethermost regions of Hell? What worse could I wish them? 319 CUT TO: DARIA. DARIA Obviously Quinn and Sandi are overachievers of a most unusual kind. 320 CUT TO: BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD. VAL (out of view) Any last thoughts on Sandi and Quinn? BEAVIS We don't usually think much. BUTT-HEAD Especially me. BEAVIS But when we do, it's almost always about sex, so any thoughts we'd have on Sandi and Quinn would be that they should sleep with us. BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh. 321 CUT TO: JAMIE. JAMIE I feel guilty that I allowed myself to be used by them. 322 CUT TO: MS. LI. MS. LI In short, Ms. Michaelis and Ms. Griffin are two fine paragons of student virtue. 323 CUT TO: PAVLOV. PAVLOV And they say what I have to clean up are messes. 324 CUT TO: DR. MANSON. VAL (out of view) Any last thoughts on Michaelis and Griffin? DR. MANSON You bring up my mother, and you want to hear more about Sandi and Quinn? How dare you, you (bleep)ing (bleep)! 325 CUT TO: BROOKE. BROOKE I hope they're forced to wear pink taffeta! 326 CUT TO: AXL. AXL Never let Quinn hypnotize you, man. She'll turn you into a chicken, every time. 327 CUT TO: TED. TED (picking up his viol) I'd like to dedicate this song I wrote to my girlfriend. It expresses my extreme sorrow at the inability of some people to let people love each other. (begins playing) 328 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED MONIQUE. VAL (out of view) Any final thoughts on Sandi Griffin and L. Quinn Michaelis? MONIQUE (silhouetted) How can they let such monsters run around free? What kind of society are we living in? The only clothes they deserve are prison uniforms. 329 CUT TO: MS. BARCH. MS. BARCH I can't believe anything you're claiming about them! No girl would do anything like that to a fellow female, and so what if they did anything mean to boys? They deserve it, the slime-balls! 330 CUT TO: TIFFANY. TIFFANY No more questions, please. I told you, I have nothing to say. STACY bursts into frame. STACY Shut up, you back-stabbing traitor! (punches out TIFFANY) You're no better than Sandi and Quinn! (to VAL) I hope that when everybody at Lawndale High sees this interview that no one ever dates Sandi or Quinn again--including the "geeks"! 331 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED JOEY. JOEY (silhouetted) Never accept any argument you don't understand. 332 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED JEFFY. JEFFY (silhouetted) I don't have anything else to say about Sandi and Quinn per se, but if my ex-girlfriend, Andrea, is listening, I'd like to apologize to her from the bottom of my heart. I've been an idiot. I should have never listened to Quinn, nor let her seduce me. Take me back, please! I'll do anything! I swear on my pet mouse's grave! 333 CUT TO: MS. DEFOE. MS. DEFOE (holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) I'll drink to them. (raises the bottle) To Sandi and Quinn, scariest students at Lawndale High! (drinks, then falls over) 334 CUT TO: MACK AND JODIE. VAL (out of view) Do you have anything else to say about Sandi and Quinn? JODIE I wonder if there's a loophole in that contract we made with Sandi? MACK Maybe we could arrange for a copy to fall into her mother's hands... JODIE nods. 335 CUT TO: KEVIN. KEVIN shrugs. 336 CUT TO: ARTIE. ARTIE And I do mean anything. 337 CUT TO: CURTIS. CURTIS I hope that they meet some guy just as controlling as they are some day. 338 CUT TO: ROBERT. ROBERT Not only do I hope that they some day meet some guy just as controlling as they are, but I hope that he makes them beat each other up! 339 CUT TO: EVAN. EVAN I hope Sandi and Quinn drop dead. 340 CUT TO: THE SILHOUETTED UPCHUCK. UPCHUCK (silhouetted) Last thoughts on Sandi and Quinn? I wish I could maneuver the two of them into bed with me at the same time--but a man does need a challenge to rise to eventually. (sips brandy) 341 CUT TO: VAL IN THE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL COURTYARD. VAL It's a horrible thought, that this small town high school could be a boxing ring in which two high-ranking females duke it out for sexual supremacy. Shocking it may sound, but considering all the sex and violence portrayed in the media, is it really surprising that our children could turn out so twisted? This is Val, reporting to you from Lawndale High School. 342 CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM, AUDIENCE. As the lights go back on, the student body bursts into applause. MS. LI, QUINN, and SANDI are shown to be in shock. A few students near DARIA congratulate her. 343 CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY, RIGHT OUTSIDE THE AUDITORIUM. The students are starting to emerge. 344 CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM. QUINN tries to sneak away, but HELEN puts a hand on her shoulder. DARIA successfully sneaks away towards the exit. HELEN Quinn! How could you have acted like that! QUINN But, Muh-om-- JAKE There is no excuse for such behavior, young lady... DARIA meets TRENT near the exit. TRENT Hey. DARIA Hey. (beat) I hope you understand now what sort of mess I was pulled into and that you'll forgive me for what I did. TRENT Definitely. We're victims of the same aggressor. DARIA Whew! TRENT Now, why don't we resume where we left off before the blackmailing? DARIA Sounds good to me. Looks like Quinn's being read the riot act by Jake and Helen, and I don't care to be around them until they've quieted down by at least one hundred decibels. 345 CUT TO: THE MICHAELISES. QUINN It's a lie! The whole thing's a lie! HELEN Is every kid in the city conspiring against you? 346 CUT TO: TRENT sweeps DARIA off of her feet, and the two passionately kiss. TRENT is about to carry DARIA away when they are intercepted by MS. LI. MS. LI Just where do you think you're going? Do you realize what sort of damage you've done to the reputation of Lawndale High? TRENT reluctantly puts DARIA down. DARIA You can't touch me. I was just the hook that brought Val here. She did her own investigation. She did the whole report. Sick, Sad World broadcast it. No illegal methods of inquiry were used. She didn't even go through anyone's garbage. And as the entire report is true, you can't sue me or anyone else for libel. (to TRENT) Isn't it great to have an aunt who's a lawyer? TRENT Absolutely. MS. LI storms off towards the Michaelises in anger. DARIA Now, where were we? TRENT picks up DARIA. DARIA (as TRENT carries her out of the auditorium) And away we go! 347 CUT TO: THE MICHAELISES. QUINN ... And Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie were so jealous that they-- MS. LI approaches. MS. LI Ms. Michaelis, do you realize what sort of damage you've done to my reputation, I mean, the reputation of Lawndale High? HELEN How dare you pin this all on my daughter! That Griffin girl's equally responsible, and obviously your competitiveness had a hand in inspiring them! JAKE Yeah! QUINN slips away as the argument continues. 348 INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY. SANDI and QUINN are arguing. QUINN How can you blame me for all this? You've been at it for longer than I have. SANDI I've at least been discreet about it. You're the one they call "the Attention-Slut". QUINN Fashion Fiend! SANDI gives a grunt of offense. We follow them to the courtyard, where they come face to face with TIFFANY, STACY, and TED. TIFFANY Just so you know, Fashion Fiend and Attention-Slut, Stacy and I are quitting the Fashion Club. SANDI What!? STACY You two are more infamous than popular now. It would hurt our popularity to be associated with you two. TIFFANY As a matter of policy, we're rejecting any popularity advice you've given us that we feel is unjustified. STACY For starters, as of this moment, we're openly dating guys you don't think are "worthy" of us. TED puts his arms around STACY. They both have big smiles on their faces. QUINN Ted? (beat) Why him? STACY He's kind and sweet and interesting, and he knows things, like how to make a woman feel special--something Zachary and Shawn never made me feel. Exit TED, STACY, and TIFFANY. QUINN Look on the bright side: it can't get much worse than this. Enter practically all of the boys at Lawndale High School who have potentially slept with SANDI or QUINN. JOEY You two betrayed us! COREY You lied to us! JEFFY You made us do bad things! JAMIE And we're not happy! SANDI Good going, Attention-Slut. QUINN OK, it just got worse. SANDI and QUINN take one good look at each other and then run for their lives. The angry mob follows close at their heels. 349 EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL, PARKING LOT. TRENT is carrying DARIA to the Tank and passes near KEVIN and BRITTANY. KEVIN (seeing DARIA and TRENT back together again) Oh, man! (seeing BRITTANY looking very angrily at him) Uh-oh. Exit KEVIN running for his life, BRITTANY in hot pursuit. TRENT (reaching the Tank) Tank, recognize Narcoleptic. Open passenger door. The specified door opens. TRENT places DARIA inside, closes the door, then goes around to the driver side, and gets in himself. 350 CUT TO: INT. THE TANK. TRENT Ready to go? JANE and JESSE's heads pop up behind the front seats. They look like they've been doing you-know-what. JANE Took you two long enough. DARIA I got detained by Ms. Li. TRENT She's now mad enough to devastate a small city. JESSE What principal wouldn't be, after that video? DARIA Too bad for her that she can't take any legal action against me. UPCHUCK knocks on the passenger window of the Tank. DARIA rolls down the window. UPCHUCK I believe you owe me for services rendered. DARIA (pulls a check out of her bosom and hands it to UPCHUCK) There you go, one thousand dollars, as agreed. UPCHUCK (handing two spy cameras to DARIA) I took the liberty of removing these; for another hundred I'll be happy to check your house for bugs. DARIA No thanks. If there were such bugs, Quinn would have killed whoever planted them long ago when the pictures were posted on the Internet. JANE (to DARIA) You bribed Upchuck? UPCHUCK There are only two things I really want: sex and money. DARIA It was either pay him or sleep with him, and paying him out of an account Helen and Jake don't know about yet was the lesser of the two evils. Actually, there was a third evil, but Brittany would have probably put Upchuck in a coma, and I needed his confession. BROOKE (out of view) Come on, Charles. Let's get out of here before the stampede. UPCHUCK It's been a pleasure being treacherous for you. (walks away) TRENT But where did you get money like that? DARIA My parents were loaded. They didn't have to kowtow to anybody to survive. JESSE So that's why you're a nonconformist. DARIA Let's just get out of here. If we stay much longer, Sandi and Quinn will slash our tires. TRENT Yes, ma'am. But aren't we forgetting someone? JESSE (slapping his forehead) Andrea! She'd kill us if we left her behind. JANE (looking out the window) I don't think we have to worry about where she is. DARIA Why? JANE Take a look. Everyone looks out the window to see ANDREA sucking face with JEFFY. ANDREA has a torn pink T-shirt with a smiley face on it in one hand. JANE (calling out the window) Hey, Andrea! You coming? ANDREA waves the rest of our heroes away. TRENT I'll take that as a "no". JANE (to DARIA) What do you know, babe? Andrea's called off sharing Trent with you. DARIA What? TRENT Never mind. Just something Andrea came up with in a fit of desperation. 351 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. The Tank starts and pulls out of the parking lot. 352 INT. THE TANK. Same people as before are present. JANE and JESSE are in the back seat sucking face. TRENT, driving, has one arm around DARIA, who is riding shotgun. All of them are very happy. TRENT By the way, Kevin kept telling me something about girls who wear reading glasses. You know anything about it? DARIA I'll demonstrate it for you later. 353 CUT TO: EXT. THE TANK. The Tank is putting distance between itself and Lawndale High School. 354 SPLIT SCREEN SHOT: CLOSING CREDITS ROLLING UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN, ON THE LEFT SIDE A LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE: INT. A CAFE, ON STAGE. DARIA, JANE, ANDREA (with normal makeup and bright, cheery clothes), TRENT, and JESSE are performing "You're Standing on My Neck". 355 CUT TO: EXT. THE ZEN. SANDI and QUINN (in a borrowed or stolen jacket; her eyes red), both looking exhausted, drive up in a car. 356 CUT TO: INT. THE CAFE, ON STAGE. We see the band. 357 CUT TO: EXT. THE ZEN. SANDI and QUINN enter (us following them), not noticing (maybe just the significance of) the sign reading "NOW PERFORMING: HELPFUL CORN". SANDI sits down at a table and collapses. QUINN goes into the restroom to take out her contacts and put on her "sunglasses". 358 CUT TO: ON STAGE, showing the band. 359 CUT TO: QUINN (wearing her "sunglasses" indoors and not caring if anyone else sees her do so) coming out of the restroom. She quickly becomes cognizant of who's on stage and does not fail to inform SANDI immediately. They argue a while, presumably about whether it's safe to stay (or who's at fault for showing up at the same place that DARIA and co. are performing). 360 CUT TO: HELPFUL CORN. 361 CUT TO: QUINN AND SANDI'S TABLE. SANDI and QUINN's argument is interrupted by HEATHER, who hands a portable phone to SANDI. After listening for two seconds, SANDI drops the phone and heads for the door, followed quickly by QUINN. 362 CUT TO: HELPFUL CORN. 363 CUT TO: EXT. THE ZEN, where QUINN and SANDI get in SANDI's car and head out of town. End music and split screen.

The Barksdale-Cambers-Michaelis-Morgendorffer clan:
Amy Barksdale-Morgendorffer JANEANE GAROFALO

Brian Danielson DAVID SPADE

Daria Marie Morgendorffer JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Erin Chambers LAURA SAN GIACOMO

Helen K. Barksdale-Michaelis GATES MCFADDEN

Jake Michaelis JOHN TRAVOLTA

Keith Morgendorffer BEN STILLER

Lurman Chambers ARON EISENBURG

Lynn Quinn Michaelis KERI RUSSELL

Paul Chambers KEVIN BACON

Rita Barksdale-Chambers KATE MULGREW

Mystic Spiral:

Andrea Flynn ROSE MCGOWAN

Jane Anne Lane CHRISTINA RICCI

Jesse Moreno LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Trent Lane JAKOB DYLAN

The Fashion Club:

Sandi D. Griffin DENISE RICHARDS

Stacy Rowe REESE WITHERSPOON

Tiffany Blum-Deckler ALYSON HANNIGAN

The weirdoes:

Artie Wilcox LUCAS BLACK

Axl Gompertz PUCK

Heather Lockheed SELMA BLAIR

Monique Martin LAURA PREPON

Ted Dewitt-Clinton TAYLOR HANSON

The student government:

Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS

Curtis Delano WILSON CRUZ

Evan Menten BARRY WATSON

Jodie Landon BRANDY

The football team:

Jamie White JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Jeffy Landers JAMES VAN DER BEEK

Joey Henderson TOPHER GRACE

Kevin Thompson JOEY LAWRENCE

Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie DONALD ADEOSUN FAISON

Tommy Sherman MARK WAHLBERG

The cheerleaders:

Brittany Taylor MELISSA JOAN HART

Brooke Benford RACHEL BLANCHARD

The inconsequential students:

Corey Richards MICHAEL ROSENBAUM

Robert B. "Bobby Bighead" Head CHAD ALLEN

The faculty:

Angela Li MARGARET CHO

Anthony DiMartino DANNY DEVITO

Cathy Morris VANESSA L. WILLIAMS

Claire DeFoe UMA THURMAN

Diane Bennett KARI WUHRER

Janet Barch LUCY LAWLESS

Margaret Manson SHIRLEY MANSON

Timothy O'Neill ROBIN WILLIAMS

Miscellaneous:

Angry Toads BUTCH VIG

DUKE ERIKSON

MIKE GORDON

STEVE MARKER

announcer for Sick, Sad World GARY OWENS

Anton Pavlov YAKOV SMIRNOV

Cute, Shiny Things DANIEL SHULMAN

JON FISHMAN

PAGE MCCONNELL

TREY ANASTASIO

David van Driessen STING

Eric Schaeffer CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

Ian "Bing" Connors JEFF GOLDBLUM

J. E. B. "Buzzcut" Judge JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Lolita Fischer KATIE HOLMES

Peter McVicker JOHN GOODMAN

Stewart Stevenson BEN SAVAGE

Tanqueray Xavier BRITNEY SPEARS

the "skydiver-killing" cows THEMSELVES

the maitre d' SAM NEILL

Todd Boole EDWARD FURLONG

Val ALICIA SILVERSTONE

And last, and certainly least:

Beavis "Cornholio" Smith IAN ZIERING

and AND

Cornelius "Butt-Head" Jones PAULY SHORE

"CELEBRITY SKIN" WRITTEN BY COURTNEY LOVE, ERIC ERLANDSON, AND BILLY CORGAN LYRICS BY COURTNEY LOVE PERFORMED BY HOLE PRODUCED BY MICHAEL BEINHORN © 1998 MOTHER MAY I MUSIC/ECHO ECHO TUNES (BMI) COURTESY OF GEFFEN RECORDS "ETUDE IN A MINOR FOR TREBLE VIOL ('MISERY CHICK')" WRITTEN BY PETER SCHICKELE PERFORMED BY JIMMY DA GAMBA PRODUCED BY THE VILE CONSORT © 1999 VIRGIN RECORDS AMERICA "HEAD LIKE A HOLE" WRITTEN BY TRENT REZNOR PERFORMED BY NINE INCH NAILS PRODUCED BY FLOOD AND TRENT REZNOR © 1990 TVT RECORDS "ICEBOX WOMAN" LYRICS BY ANNE D. BERNSTEIN AND AKIVA GOLDSMAN WRITTEN BY ANNE D. BERNSTEIN AND JAKOB DYLAN PERFORMED AND MIXED BY THE WALLFLOWERS © 1999 INTERSCOPE RECORDS "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PENTIUMS" WRITTEN BY SEAN "PUFFY" COMBS, NOTORIOUS B.I.G., SEAN JACOBS, JASON PHILLIPS, DAVID STYLES, KIMBERLY JONES, DERIC ANGELETTIE, LINDA LAURIE, AND TERRY ETLINGER LYRICS BY "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC PERFORMED BY "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC © 1999 VOLCANO ENTERTAINMENT III/EMI "THE KIDS AREN'T ALRIGHT" WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY THE OFFSPRING PRODUCED AND MIXED BY DAVE JERDEN © 1998 UNDERACHIEVER MUSIC (BMI) COURTESY OF COLUMBIA RECORDS "THE LOVE THEME FROM SICK, SAD WORLD" WRITTEN, PERFORMED, AND PRODUCED BY PHISH © 1999 WEA/ELEKTRA ENTERTAINMENT "MISERY HATES COMPANY" WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY BRANDY PRODUCED BY B. NORWOOD © 1999 ATLANTIC RECORDS "THE NEXT REVOLUTION" WRITTEN BY ALANIS MORISSETTE AND GLEN BALLARD PERFORMED BY ALANIS MORISSETTE PRODUCED BY GLEN BALLARD © 1999 MAVERICK RECORDS "O CANADA" WRITTEN BY C. LAVALLÉE PERFORMED BY LAURA PREPON "ONE WEEK" WORDS AND MUSIC BY ED ROBERTSON PERFORMED BY BARENAKED LADIES © 1998 REPRISE RECORDS "OW" WRITTEN BY PETER GAFFNEY, ANNE D. BERNSTEIN, RACHEL LIPMAN, AND AKIVA GOLDSMAN PERFORMED BY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT © 1999 WEA/ATLANTIC RECORDS "THE PARAPHILIAC THEME FROM BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD'S SUCKY SHOW" WRITTEN BY REB BEACH AND KIP WINGER PERFORMED BY WINGER PRODUCED BY GLEN BALLARD © 1999 EMI VIRGIN MUSIC INC./BLIND REVOLUTION MUSIC/PLEASURE DOME MUSIC, ASCAP COURTESY OF ATLANTIC RECORDS "PUSH IT" WRITTEN BY SHIRLEY MANSON, DUKE ERIKSON, STEVE MARKER, AND BUTCH VIG PERFORMED AND PRODUCED BY GARBAGE © 1998 VIBECRUSHER MUSIC/IRVING MUSIC, INC. (BMI)/DEADARM MUSIC/ALMOMUSIC CORP. (ASCAP). © 1998 ALMO SOUNDS INC. "REVENGE" WRITTEN BY WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART LYRICS BY EMANUEL SCHIKANEDER AND CARL LUDWIG GIESECKE LYRICS TRANSLATED BY JACK ZIPES ARRANGED AND PRODUCED BY ANDY HILL PERFORMED BY MARIAH CAREY © 1999 EPIC RECORDS "ROMEO AND JULIET OVERTURE" WRITTEN BY PYOTR ILICH TCHAIKOVSKY ARRANGED AND PRODUCED BY PETER SCHICKELE PERFORMED BY VAN HALEN © 1999 WARNER BROS. RECORDS "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT" WRITTEN BY KURT COBAIN AND NIRVANA PERFORMED BY NIRVANA PRODUCED AND ENGINEERED BY BUTCH VIG AND NIRVANA MIXED BY ANDY WALLACE © 1991 VIRGIN SONGS INC./THE END OF MUSIC/BMI COURTESY OF DGC/GEFFEN RECORDS "SPARKLING HAIR BALLS" WRITTEN BY KEN JORDAN AND SCOTT KIRKLAND PERFORMED, PRODUCED, AND MIXED BY THE CRYSTAL METHOD © 1999 UNI COURTESY OF OUTPOST RECORDINGS "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" WRITTEN BY MICK JAGGER AND KEITH RICHARDS PERFORMED BY NATALIE MERCHANT © 1968 ABKCO RECORDS COURTESY OF ELEKTRA ENTERTAINMENT "VENUS" WRITTEN BY R. LEEUWAN PERFORMED BY BANANARAMA PRODUCED BY M. STOCK, M. AITKEN, AND P. WATERMAN © 1986 LONDON RECORDS "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" WRITTEN BY SPLENDORA AND AKIVA GOLDSMAN PERFORMED BY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT © 1999 WEA/ATLANTIC RECORDS SOUND-TRACK AVAILABLE FROM ARISTA RECORDS. CLIP FROM BARNEY AND FRIENDS COURTESY OF THE LYONS GROUP. SHOT ENTIRELY ON LOCATION IN HIGHLAND, TX, and LAWNDALE, TX. NO TEACHERS, STUDENTS, OR RUBBER ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE PRODUCTION OF THIS FILM. 364 INT. THE SET OF BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD'S SUCKY SHOW. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are on their sofa. BUTT-HEAD Uh, Beavis, what did you think of that movie? BEAVIS It stank! Lots of gratuitous sex and violence, and for what? Those two guys with the Net show didn't score, and they got beaten up! What's the matter with writers these days? They could have at least made the Net show guys not look like morons who can't even open a bottle of milk. BUTT-HEAD Yeah. You'd think movie makers would try to show people, like, who's really important and ought to get lots of girls. BEAVIS Absolutely. (beat) I think that wraps up this week's episode. Until next week-- BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD This show sucks!

Of course, you do realize that this is all an elaborate parody and that MTV has no intention, so far as the real authors of this work know, of making a live-action Daria movie.

`The Barksdale-Cambers-Michaelis-Morgendorffer clan:`
`Amy Barksdale-Morgendorffer`	`JANEANE GAROFALO`
`Brian Danielson`	`DAVID SPADE`
`Daria Marie Morgendorffer`	`JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT`
`Erin Chambers`	`LAURA SAN GIACOMO`
`Helen K. Barksdale-Michaelis`	`GATES MCFADDEN`
`Jake Michaelis`	`JOHN TRAVOLTA`
`Keith Morgendorffer`	`BEN STILLER`
`Lurman Chambers`	`ARON EISENBURG`
`Lynn Quinn Michaelis`	`KERI RUSSELL`
`Paul Chambers`	`KEVIN BACON`
`Rita Barksdale-Chambers`	`KATE MULGREW`

`Mystic Spiral:`
`Andrea Flynn`	`ROSE MCGOWAN`
`Jane Anne Lane`	`CHRISTINA RICCI`
`Jesse Moreno`	`LEONARDO DICAPRIO`
`Trent Lane`	`JAKOB DYLAN`

`The Fashion Club:`
`Sandi D. Griffin`	`DENISE RICHARDS`
`Stacy Rowe`	`REESE WITHERSPOON`
`Tiffany Blum-Deckler`	`ALYSON HANNIGAN`

`The weirdoes:`
`Artie Wilcox`	`LUCAS BLACK`
`Axl Gompertz`	`PUCK`
`Heather Lockheed`	`SELMA BLAIR`
`Monique Martin`	`LAURA PREPON`
`Ted Dewitt-Clinton`	`TAYLOR HANSON`

`The student government:`
`Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III`	`JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS`
`Curtis Delano`	`WILSON CRUZ`
`Evan Menten`	`BARRY WATSON`
`Jodie Landon`	`BRANDY`

`The football team:`
`Jamie White`	`JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT`
`Jeffy Landers`	`JAMES VAN DER BEEK`
`Joey Henderson`	`TOPHER GRACE`
`Kevin Thompson`	`JOEY LAWRENCE`
`Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie`	`DONALD ADEOSUN FAISON`
`Tommy Sherman`	`MARK WAHLBERG`

`The cheerleaders:`
`Brittany Taylor`	`MELISSA JOAN HART`
`Brooke Benford`	`RACHEL BLANCHARD`

`The inconsequential students:`
`Corey Richards`	`MICHAEL ROSENBAUM`
`Robert B. "Bobby Bighead" Head`	`CHAD ALLEN`

`The faculty:`
`Angela Li`	`MARGARET CHO`
`Anthony DiMartino`	`DANNY DEVITO`
`Cathy Morris`	`VANESSA L. WILLIAMS`
`Claire DeFoe`	`UMA THURMAN`
`Diane Bennett`	`KARI WUHRER`
`Janet Barch`	`LUCY LAWLESS`
`Margaret Manson`	`SHIRLEY MANSON`
`Timothy O'Neill`	`ROBIN WILLIAMS`

`Miscellaneous:`
`Angry Toads`	`BUTCH VIG`
	`DUKE ERIKSON`
	`MIKE GORDON`
	`STEVE MARKER`
`announcer for Sick, Sad World`	`GARY OWENS`
`Anton Pavlov`	`YAKOV SMIRNOV`
`Cute, Shiny Things`	`DANIEL SHULMAN`
	`JON FISHMAN`
	`PAGE MCCONNELL`
	`TREY ANASTASIO`
`David van Driessen`	`STING`
`Eric Schaeffer`	`CHRISTOPHER WALKEN`
`Ian "Bing" Connors`	`JEFF GOLDBLUM`
`J. E. B. "Buzzcut" Judge`	`JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME`
`Lolita Fischer`	`KATIE HOLMES`
`Peter McVicker`	`JOHN GOODMAN`
`Stewart Stevenson`	`BEN SAVAGE`
`Tanqueray Xavier`	`BRITNEY SPEARS`
`the "skydiver-killing" cows`	`THEMSELVES`
`the maitre d'`	`SAM NEILL`
`Todd Boole`	`EDWARD FURLONG`
`Val`	`ALICIA SILVERSTONE`

`And last, and certainly least:`
`Beavis "Cornholio" Smith`	`IAN ZIERING`
`and`	`AND`
`Cornelius "Butt-Head" Jones`	`PAULY SHORE`