Daria (the movie)

AMY BARKSDALE-MORGENDORFFER and KEITH MORGENDORFFER in skydiving gear kiss and get onto a plane.

DARIA MARIE MORGENDORFFER is sitting at her desk among a full classroom, with her looking more bored than most. DARIA, daughter of AMY and KEITH, is a sixteen-year-old, beautiful but unaware of it. Dressed in black and gray, in shiny black leather boots, she holds her body stiffly, with an almost masculine walk; her face expresses little but dismay, tensely held. She is wearing reading glasses. We slowly turn to show DAVID VAN DRIESSEN, the history teacher, a blond hippie with glasses and a tie-dyed T-shirt with a peace symbol on it. He lectures with his hands making exaggerated gestures. When the camera returns to DARIA, it can be seen that she has been doodling a picture of Edvard Munch's "The Scream".

In front of the school various students are scattered about, enjoying their lunches and talking with each other. DARIA is sitting on the front steps, trying to read Stanislaw Lem's The Star Diaries. LOLITA FISCHER and TANQUERAY XAVIER, two students dressed loudly to advertise they are cheap, come down the steps, banging into DARIA as they come past her. DARIA flashes a dirty look in their direction and goes back to reading.

Another full class with DARIA in it, this time taught by J. E. B. "BUZZCUT" JUDGE, a short-tempered, loud ex-marine, seemingly always angry, who teaches language arts. A bunch of names from William Shakespeare's Hamlet are on the board. BUZZCUT is lecturing, but DARIA does not seem to be paying attention. BUZZCUT launches a tirade at DARIA, who then shows him a tablet computer (superficially resembling a PADD from Star Trek: The Next Generation or a large Palm Pilot), on which she has made out a table showing the interrelationships among all the major characters. BUZZCUT looks flabbergasted.

Note: This movie takes place about 2020. Therefore, throughout this movie, people use tablet and palmtop computers frequently instead of paper and pencil.

The hallway, painted and tiled to resemble an insane asylum, is empty except for the principal, PETER MCVICKER, a large, sweaty man, always exceedingly stressed-out who is moving down it. Suddenly a bell rings and students race out of the classrooms and through the hallways en masse in the opposite direction, apparently due to the bell ringing for the end of the day; they nearly run over MCVICKER, who is visibly upset. DARIA, now glassesless, follows the group at a leisurely pace. As she passes MCVICKER, she glances at him, her tongue sticking out slightly.

The bus is clearly moving down a street, and DARIA and many other students are in it. She is not interacting with the other students.

DARIA is walking. She is accosted by BEAVIS JONES and CORNELIUS "BUTT-HEAD" SMITH. BEAVIS is the young, idiotic star of a Net show (Beavis and Butt-Head's Sucky Show), with a Metallica T-shirt and a lot of blond hair. BUTT-HEAD is his co-star, with a lot of brown hair combed straight up and wearing an AC/DC T-shirt. Both giggle incessantly and look like they have the maturity and values of oversexed adolescent boys just given testosterone injections and subjected to watching six hours of porno movies. DARIA walks around them.

DARIA encounters STEWART STEVENSON, a twerpy-looking character in a Winger T-shirt. STEWART greets DARIA, and she replies. They separate amiably.

DARIA encounters TODD BOOLE, a scruffy, thuggish individual with the strength of an ox and the brain-power of an earthworm.

TODD apparently propositions DARIA, who knees him between the legs for his troubles.

The Zen is a student-frequented coffeehouse in Lawndale, not particularly clean. Music is coming from inside.

The Zen is not particularly clean on the inside, either. On stage, Mystic Spiral (a rock band composed of students) is performing the music, finishing up a song. The singer and lead guitarist is TRENT LANE. He is accompanied instrumentally by his sister JANE ANNE LANE (electric bass), JESSE MORENO (rhythm guitar), and ANDREA FLYNN (drum pads).

TRENT is a nineteen-year-old. (He was held back a few times.) Typically muted in expression, his clothes are usually plain but his hair in disarray and with three earrings in each ear and Maori tattoos on his arms. His voice is low, his movements often sluggish, but there is a fire in his eyes, one that allows him to explode into action when music or situation demands it.

JANE is a sixteen-year-old. Expressive and sensual, dark and mysterious. Wears dark clothing, a red leather jacket, and knee-high black boots, sports three earrings in each ear. Her eyes move probingly when she looks at something, always noting details, her hands always moving with precision.

JESSE is a seventeen-year-old. Typically quiet and reserved, plain clothes, but strong.

ANDREA is a seventeen-year-old. Always in all black, with long, jet-black hair, a Goth, complete with white makeup and red lipstick, projecting sex and ruthlessness at the same time.

The audience consists of high school and college students. As Mystic Spiral finishes, the audience applauds.

Bananarama's "Venus" begins playing. LYNN QUINN MICHAELIS, a perky sixteen-year-old who prefers to be called by her middle name, enters. Her movements are shown in slow motion as she confidently approaches the stage, TRENT virtually staring at her. There is a sparkle in her eye and a bit of a fiendish smile on her face as her mane of blond hair flows about her face and her thoracic endowments bounce within her pink baby tee. Fade out music.

TRENT walks away from QUINN. QUINN turns to leave herself when she is confronted by SANDI D. GRIFFIN. SANDI is a sixteen-year-old, beautiful but obviously cunning, with piercing eyes. She is always stylishly dressed, always looking immaculate, strutting confidently, an obvious danger.

TOMMY is an eighteen-year-old. Star football player. Arrogant, stupid, prone to outbursts of violence. Blindly faithful to SANDI.

HELEN K. BARKSDALE-MICHAELIS (AMY's sister, QUINN's mother, shotgun), JAKE MICHAELIS (HELEN's husband, QUINN's father; driving), and QUINN (back-seat) are present. HELEN is a workaholic lawyer with periodic episodes of conscience over ignoring her family; she has a deep-seated need to dominate others. JAKE is a conservative consultant who becomes easily distressed at anything from outside his own private world; he is fairly gullible and changes his beliefs, once adopted, slowly, even in the face of overwhelming contrary evidence. HELEN and JAKE are dressed for a funeral; QUINN, though in black, is dressed too fashionably for the occasion; she is also wearing what are apparently sunglasses.

JAKE

I can't believe your weird sister and her husband would do something so stupid, Helen!

HELEN

Jake, there's not much we can do about it now. How were they supposed to know such a freak accident would happen? All we can do now is be supportive of Daria in this time of crisis.

QUINN

What's she like these days, anyway? We haven't seen her in about five or six years.

JAKE

Well, would you want to get near your weird sister-in-law? She tried to make us eat crickets!

HELEN

Jake!

(beat)

I talked to Rita about her on the phone. She said that Daria is very intellectual, a straight-A student, and has a position on the school paper at Highland High as fashion editor.

QUINN

Sounds like she may even have improved. We should get along nicely then.

Exit ANDREA from TRENT's room, barely dressed and without her Goth makeup, soon followed by a barely dressed TRENT, his shirt unbuttoned and hanging open in front.

ANDREA clearly wants to make a snappy retort but can't think of one, so she picks up a vase with flowers in it and throws it at TRENT. TRENT ducks as ANDREA leaves through the back door.

Many relatives of AMY and KEITH are present: DARIA (dressed all in black, looking especially grim) JAKE, HELEN, QUINN, RITA BARKSDALE-CHAMBERS (AMY's other sister), PAUL CHAMBERS (RITA's husband), the latter two's children ERIN and LURMAN, and ERIN's boyfriend BRIAN DANIELSON (along for moral support, dressed like a Man in Black). LURMAN is a big fan of King Solomon's philosophy and considers much of human behavior preposterous; he always speaks in a monotone; among all the people in the room, he is the only one who really understands DARIA. All present are wearing dark clothes, looking morose, and talking quietly among themselves.

DARIA

(to LURMAN)

Great. Not only do I have to go through the suffering of losing both of my parents in a freak accident--as a result of their trying to make an affirmation of life on their twentieth wedding anniversary--but now I'm stuck with having to move in with an aunt and uncle and a cousin I don't even like.

LURMAN

Look on the bright side, Daria. If you get stuck with my parents, at least we'll be able to team up against Erin immediately. And Erin will probably marry her boyfriend Brian soon, so she'll move out and it'll be just us.

DARIA

And what's the bright side if I get stuck with Helen and Jake?

QUINN

(approaches DARIA)

Daria? Is that you?

DARIA

No, it's a hologram.

QUINN

But you look so

(beat)

drab.

DARIA

So? You look overdressed for the occasion. Going to a cocktail party after this?

QUINN

You were a lot more fashionable the last time we met. What Aunt Rita told my mom about you being the fashion editor of your school paper has to be a mistake.

DARIA

It's not. I got stuck with the job because I'm the only female on staff. As for me not being fashionable now, if you haven't noticed, we were just at my parents' funeral.

QUINN

But you could still dress with a little style.

DARIA

Where would I find the time today to do that with my busy schedule? Besides the funeral and meeting to discuss all the legal mumbo-jumbo, I'm building a replica of the Washington Monument from popsicle sticks and cleaning the oil off of a hundred baby seals.

QUINN

Ugh!

(walks away)

LURMAN

Could be worse. She could be a pure fashion-freak rather than one who at least knows something.

DARIA

Wait until she finds out what I did with that pink, frilly dress of mine she liked so much.

ERIC

I'm Eric Schaeffer, Keith and Amy Morgendorffer's attorney. Our first order of business is the custody of Daria Marie Morgendorffer. According to the official documentation,

(pulls out several papers and reads)

"In the event of their untimely death, neither of them surviving, they would prefer that none of their siblings get custody of Daria. Keith has been blessed in this respect, being an orphan. Amy is not so fortunate, being cursed with two sisters who are total and utter jerks. But since they have to choose, and since Rita is a ditz and her husband Paul is money-grubbing scum, they choose the lesser of the two evils and grant custody to Helen--also known as 'the Obsessive-Compulsive Controlling Lawyer'--and her husband Jake--otherwise known as 'the Complete Doofus'."

LURMAN

(to DARIA)

You are now entering Hell.

DARIA

(to LURMAN)

Please keep your hands and feet inside the car.

Enter JAKE, HELEN, QUINN, and DARIA through the front door, everyone carrying at least one piece of luggage. JAKE is groaning under the weight of a heavy trunk.

JAKE

(struggling with the trunk)

Ow! I think I hurt something in my back.

DARIA

We'll get you a new one for your birthday.

(looks inside the first room on the left)

Hey! What's in here?

(turns on light, revealing a padded room with bars in the windows)

Cool.

QUINN

It's just the room where Grandma Ruth spent the last few years of her life as an elderly shut-in. It gives me the creeps.

HELEN

Jake and I haven't gotten around to redecorating it yet. You can use the guest room at the other end of the hall.

DARIA shrugs. DARIA and the Michaelises move down to the other end of the hall to the guest room. DARIA flicks on the light and looks in on a perfectly normal boring room.

HELEN

Are you really sure?

DARIA

Positive. My anatomically correct plastic skull and poster of Dante's skeleton being dug up don't go at all with the wallpaper and the drapes.

(to JAKE)

Don't worry; I'll drag my trunk all the way to the other end of the hall.

JAKE

Thank you!

(exits)

HELEN

If that's what you want. Just call us if there's anything you need.

(exits carrying whatever bags are in her hands)

QUINN

What happened to you? You used to be this happy kid, but now, you're

(beat)

scary. Is this some sort of reaction to your parents' death?

DARIA

Believe me: I've been like this for years.

QUINN

What happened to the star of the dance recital?

DARIA

Have you ever heard of Beavis and Butt-Head?

QUINN

You know I've met them.

DARIA

Try being around them day after day for years on end. Sooner or later, they'll turn you into a pessimist, too.

(grabs the trunk and exits)

JAKE is driving DARIA and QUINN to school. DARIA is wearing the outfit she wore back in Highland. QUINN is wearing "sunglasses".

JAKE

--but we're all here to help you get through it.

QUINN

Don't worry; we'll have you settled in in no time. You'll be out of your funk and wearing something colorful before you know it.

DARIA

It's been only a week since my parents' death--a very slow week--and already you expect me to be finished mourning. That's a little much, even from a progidy.

QUINN

Not literally no time. Lawndale High isn't so bad; the teachers are easy to manipulate. Half are spineless pushovers; the rest are wackos who haven't a clue what anyone's saying anyway.

DARIA

Just what I need: teachers less-educated than I am. That's a great way to learn anything. I should have taken that offer from the Grove Hills School for the Gifted when I had the chance. I don't suppose the students here are also shallow and snobbish?

QUINN

The other students at Lawndale High are nothing like that.

DARIA

That's easy; as long as they're not suffering from lead poisoning, they'll be at least smarter than most of the people in Highland.

QUINN

(trying to be supportive)

If you need any help learning the ropes, just ask.

The car pulls up at the curb by Lawndale High School, where SANDI, STACY ROWE, TIFFANY BLUM-DECKLER, and several other students are standing. STACY is a sixteen-year-old, a perky brunette, but always nervous, as if expecting predators to strike at any moment. TIFFANY is a seventeen-year-old, pretty but tense, with an almost mechanical quality, a babe with the spirit of a general, always looking for the advantage. DARIA and QUINN get out of the car.

DARIA is walking through the halls, seeing lots of the student body. ANTON PAVLOV, the custodian, is waxing the floor. DARIA stares at TRENT, getting stuff out of his locker, in attraction as she walks by. Groups in the hallways: 1) AXL GOMPERTZ and ANDREA arguing passionately, 2) JANE and JESSE kissing, 3) KEVIN THOMPSON and BRITTANY TAYLOR sucking face, 4) JOEY HENDERSON, JEFFY LANDERS, and JAMIE WHITE (AKA the 3 Js) talking, 5) TOMMY SHERMAN and BROOKE BENFORD arguing with MICHAEL JORDAN "MACK" MACKENZIE and JODIE LANDON, 6) CHARLES "UPCHUCK" RUTTHEIMER III trying to shove ARTIE WILCOX into a locker and getting kicked for it by HEATHER LOCKHEED and MONIQUE MARTIN, 7) COREY RICHARDS, EVAN MENTEN and ROBERT B. HEAD laughing as TED DEWITT-CLINTON just stands there yawning, 8) SANDI, QUINN, STACY, and TIFFANY (AKA the Fashion Club) discussing what they're wearing. DARIA finally reaches the right room.

PAVLOV is a quiet man, a Russian immigrant. He has a passion for cleanliness and hates it when people walk over an area of floor he has just cleaned.

AXL is an eighteen-year-old. Heavy metal guitarist. Way too many tattoos. Bad attitude. Oozes disgust.

KEVIN is a seventeen-year-old. Football player. Some semblance of muscles. Obviously stupid, probably from the cumulative effects of ramming his head into things many times, oblivious, insensitive, and self-centered.

BRITTANY is a seventeen-year-old. Cheerleader, appearing pathologically naïve and upbeat, but prone to violent outbursts if crossed. A complete bimbo. Blue belt in karate. Sounds squeaky and slightly drugged.

JOEY, JAMIE, and JEFFY are seventeen-year-olds. Football players. Not particularly bright and fairly interchangeable.

BROOKE is a seventeen-year-old. Cheerleader, obsessed with her appearance. Very insecure since that botched nose-job.

MACK is a sixteen-year-old. Football player. African-American. No hair. Much smarter than the rest of the team. Hates KEVIN.

JODIE is a sixteen-year-old. President of the student council. African-American. Obsessive-compulsive about doing well academically.

UPCHUCK is a sixteen-year-old. Always dressed stylishly, red-haired and bearing a grin, trying to portray himself as suave and sophisticated but often coming off as an irritant. Highly creative, intelligent, and libidinous. Black belt in karate, but unable to take even defensive action against any female he's interested in.

ARTIE is a sixteen-year-old. Stereotypical geek. Believes he was abducted by space aliens.

HEATHER is a seventeen-year-old. Mischievous outcast. Likes to incite riots, stand back, and watch the fur fly. Wears only grayscale.

MONIQUE is an eighteen-year-old. Outcast, with antisocial tendencies in the presence of idiots. Into counterculture, wears leather. Hangs out with HEATHER.

COREY is a sixteen-year-old. Likes electronics. No personality. Couldn't tell a joke if his life depended upon it.

EVAN is a seventeen-year-old. Track star. Student body secretary. Smooth-talking. Slow to admit he's done something stupid.

ROBERT is an eighteen-year-old. Connoisseur of beer. Member of the Fencing Club. Idiot.

TED is a seventeen-year-old. Captain of the Fencing Club and fan of anything more than 200 years old. Knows martial arts, Latin, and carpentry. Plays treble viol (a violin-like instrument with frets and six strings). Grows his own vegetables. Geeky but cool.

DARIA and a few other new students are touring the school with the principal, ANGELA LI.

MS. LI is a Third-World dictator without a country, obsessed with making Lawndale High School look as good as possible, especially if she doesn't actually have to improve the school.

DR. MANSON is the school psychologist, confident in herself to the point of conceited, a know-it-all in a pantsuit. DARIA is sitting across the table from DR. MANSON. The table's top is covered with small holes, as if a lot of nails have been hammered into it and pulled out.

DR. MANSON

Now, Dara, let's see if you can make up a story about what's in this picture.

(holds up a crude picture of two people talking)

DARIA

(taking reading glasses out of her purse and putting them on)

It's Daria. Don't you know those tests don't tell you anything?

DR. MANSON

I'm the psychologist, not you. So what do you see in this picture, Dara?

DARIA

The stains of two incompetent psychologists splattered across the pavement after being run over by steamrollers.

DR. MANSON

Stop being snide. It's two people.

DARIA

It's a Rorschach test. What it is is bound only by one's imagination.

DR. MANSON

Wrong test, dreary girl, These are two people talking.

DARIA

Ah. One of those tests. All right then. It's two people talking about the stains of two incompetent psychologists splattered across the pavement after being run over by steamrollers.

MR. DIMARTINO is the history teacher, an angry, middle-aged man in an ill-fitting suit, a pot waiting to boil, easily set off by the slightest thing. DARIA (wearing her reading glasses, sitting in the front row), JANE, KEVIN, CURTIS DELANO, JAMIE, and BRITTANY are present, among others. The board has a number of words on it, including "Hitler", "Weimar Republic", "Treaty of Versailles", "SA", "paramilitary organizations", and "National Socialism".

CURTIS is an eighteen-year-old. Student body treasurer. Is inordinately fascinated with tollbooths. Hates cheerleaders, especially BROOKE.

MR. DIMARTINO

Class, please welcome our new student, Daria Morgendorffer.

other students

(all eyes on DARIA, deadpan)

Hi, Daria.

DARIA

Uh, hi.

DIMARTINO

(sarcastically)

I'm perfectly certain that all of you brilliant students bothered to read the chapter I assigned to you to read for today. Jamie White, what was the chapter on?

JAMIE

I, uh, wanted to read it but, uh, I had other things to do.

DIMARTINO

I see. And what exactly was it that required so much of your attention that you could not read fifteen pages?

JAMIE

I was going to do it, but this thing came up, this, uh, very important thing, and, uh...

DIMARTINO

Save your creativity for English class! Kevin, perhaps you know more than your teammate on the subject!

KEVIN

(to BRITTANY)

What did he say, babe?

DIMARTINO

Stacy Rowe, how about you? Tell us about the chapter you so diligently read!

DIMARTINO

(approaching)

Ms. Rowe! Are you paying attention?

STACY

Huh? Oh, um, yeah, sure I am.

DIMARTINO

Since you obviously weren't, what, pray tell, were you taking notes on?

(takes Stacy's tablet, looks at it, reads)

"Ted Ted Ted Ted Ted..." Sounds very intellectual. You, Curtis Delano, what was the chapter on?

CURTIS

Um, it was the Weimar Republic, wasn't it?

DIMARTINO

Very good, Mister Delano! I'm glad someone actually bothered to open the book! And it only took going through half a dozen people to get to that point! Now, Mister Delano, please enlighten us what you learned by your deep and thorough reading!

CURTIS

(nervously)

It, um, was about...

DARIA

(deadpan recitation)

The Weimar Republic was the government in Germany following the First World War. Even though it was democratic, it was notoriously unpopular. This, combined with poor living conditions, worsened by the Great Depression, the embarrassment of the Treaty of Versailles, the fear of communism, and the right-wing and authoritarian elements of the culture at the time, created the conditions for the rise to power of radical elements, including the Nazi party.

DARIA and the Michaelises are sitting around the dinner table eating lasagna and bacon. HELEN is largely absorbed writing something on a tablet computer similar to those used by students in class. QUINN isn't eating much.

QUINN

It was just a normal day. Three As back on various assignments. Getting bugged by Brittany to join the cheerleading squad. Asked out by six boys--

JAKE

So, Daria, how was your first day?

DARIA

The people in my classes are stupid, and the teachers are twisted and evil.

JAKE

Daria! Don't judge people until you know them. You're in a brand new school in a brand new town. Do you want a repeat of Highland? What your aunt Rita told me--

DARIA

It was a repeat of Highland. The only thing now to make it complete would be for Beavis and Butt-Head to show up to get my opinion on the latest video by the Wallflowers.

JAKE

Come on, Daria. Not everyone could have been that bad.

DARIA

Even the faculty was that bad. I was tested by a psychologist who needed her own head examined. She had me look at a picture of two people and tell me what I saw in it. Have you ever heard of anything so lame?

HELEN

Wait a minute. You said you took a psychological test today?

DARIA

Yes.

HELEN

(brings up a document on her computer and hands it to DARIA)

I got an E-mail this afternoon about it. Dr. Manson, the school psychologist, said she wants you to take a special class.

QUINN

Good God, Daria! Don't tell me she wants you to take remedial classes. You couldn't have become that stupid since we last saw you!

DARIA

(looking over the message)

It's worse. They think I have poor self-esteem and want me to take a class to make me feel better about myself.

JAKE

Low self-esteem!? Daria, that stinks!

HELEN

Jake!

QUINN

Poor Daria...

DARIA

It's not as if anyone ought to be expecting me to feel happy so soon after my parents die in a gruesome accident. Besides, you're taking the word of an idiot over what should be obvious.

JAKE

Huh?

DARIA

I have low esteem for people who administer self-esteem tests.

QUINN

Carry my books?

JEFFY

Um, sure thing.

(takes QUINN's bookbag)

I haven't seen you in a while.

QUINN

You know how busy I am. The Fashion Club is taking up so much time, and I've got Brittany pestering me left and right to join the pep squad, and then I've got this big paper on economics in the Soviet Union I've been doing for Ms. Bennett's class. It's been a total nightmare.

JEFFY

You think you could spare some time to go out this weekend? I got tickets to the Rotten Candy concert.

QUINN

Well...

DARIA

(out of view)

Hey, Quinn! Wait up!

MR. O'NEILL, the literature teacher, is jumpy, energetic, and sounds like Mork from Ork imitating a preacher. There is something creepy about him on top of this. DARIA (wearing reading glasses, though what MR. O'NEILL has on the board doesn't seem worthwhile reading anyway), JANE, ANDREA, ARTIE, and a few other students are present. JANE, noticing DARIA for the first time, glances over at her, as if hungry and savoring the sight of a home-cooked meal. The very tip of her tongue can be seen as she unconsciously licks all the way around her lips. Realizing what she is doing, she nervously starts to chuckle, then makes a phoney smile. DARIA doesn't seem unnerved at all and gives a hint of a genuine smile back.

MR. O'NEILL

Welcome, my little friends. You are about to embark on a hero's journey, one that begins here in this classroom and will send you on an expedition into the very depths of your soul. On the way you will encounter all kinds of dangers, face your deepest fears, but in the end you will emerge reborn, fresh as a new flower and free of all the cares and worries that have plagued humankind since they escaped from Pandora's box.

(sees DARIA raising her hand)

Yes?

DARIA

I think I'm in the wrong room. Where's the self-esteem class?

MR. O'NEILL

This is the self-esteem class. I know it's not clear right now, but hold on a little while, leave your thoughts open, and soon enlightenment will rush into you, filling you with light. Now, as we start, we all need to be honest about who we are. Let us begin. As we go around the room, let us say who we are, and what it is about us that has brought us here. I'll start. My name is Timothy O'Neill, and I'm here to be your guide to a new level of awareness.

(looks at ARTIE)

ARTIE

Hi, I'm Artie Wilcox, and I'm here because I'm always scared they'll come back for me.

MR. O'NEILL

Who is it you think will come back for you?

ARTIE

The grays. The aliens from Beta Zebulon, the ones who take off your clothes and give you anal probes and force you to have sex with them.

MR. O'NEILL

I see...

(to ANDREA)

You, who are you and why are you here?

MR. O'NEILL

Andrea?

ANDREA

What? Oh. Yeah, right, whatever.

MR. O'NEILL

(to JANE)

And you, who are you and why are you here?

JANE

I'm Jane Anne Lane, and I'm here because

(begins crying)

I... I'm sorry, I...

MR. O'NEILL

It's OK, my little friend, my dear, little friend.

JANE

(stops crying)

OK.

MR. O'NEILL

(to DARIA)

You, who are you, and why are you here?

DARIA

I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and I'm the victim of a system which uncritically follows the results of a pencil-and-paper test.

MR. O'NEILL

Daria, I think you need to overcome your denial before you can achieve a higher level of self-esteem.

DARIA

I am not in denial.

MR. O'NEILL

You just denied your denial.

DARIA

How do you know there's anything to deny that I'm denying? Perhaps the only denial is the denial that there is anything else to deny?

MR. O'NEILL

(looks very puzzled for several moments)

OK...

(to an extra)

You, what's your name?

DARIA

... So let me get this straight: For the next six weeks we sit around listening to pop psychology slogans intended to make us feel good about ourselves without any real justification for feeling good about ourselves.

JANE

Correct.

DARIA

Plus we do busywork intended to pump up our egos, such as writing essays titled "Why I'm proud to be me".

JANE

Correct. And I always write that I'm proud to be me because I enjoy making people suffer, which I tend to do a lot.

DARIA

And then they make us take a test that can be passed by giving answers that would satisfy even the shallowest of New Age "thinkers".

JANE

Correct. Claiming to be a reincarnation of Stalin will give Mr. O'Neill an ulcer.

DARIA

And you've memorized the entire course, yet you have deliberately flunked it over and over again.

JANE

Correct.

DARIA

Why?

JANE

I like having low self-esteem. It makes it easy to get stuff out of my parents.

The screen shows on awful-looking band which sound as bad as they look thrashing about. This lasts a few seconds.

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sitting on a dirty, broken-down couch, a screen saver playing on the wall behind them by way of a blue-screen. Both look enthused.

BUTT-HEAD

Man, that was cool!

BEAVIS

Yeah, awesome! A veritable font of symbolism in the tradition of cinema noir! I particularly liked the nightmarish animation, which really spoke of the basic existential crisis of the soul.

BUTT-HEAD

Whatever. I just thought the killer peacock was cool. OK, dudes, before we wrap up, we want to get serious for a moment. We haven't heard anything from our friend Daria for a while, and we just found out that her parents recently passed away and that she's now living with her aunt and uncle in Lawndale. We know this is rough for you, Dar, but you know we're thinking about you, and we're wishing you the best.

BEAVIS

Keep the spirit, Daria. We'll be missing you. And so, as we close, we want to present the video for Daria's favorite song.

BUTT-HEAD

Well, Stewart said it was her favorite.

BEAVIS

And remember, until next time--

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD

(simultaneously)

This show sucks!

DARIA is sitting on the bed watching virtual TV on a large, flat computer screen, while JANE is gluing a bunch of junk together into a sculpture with a glue gun.

JANE

Aw! That's so sweet of them!

DARIA

(repositioning herself so she sits up over JANE)

They're stupid, but not totally insensitive. Of course, they've destroyed my image as a total outcast.

JANE

You don't want to be associated with popular people with their own show on the Net?

DARIA

(rubbing JANE's shoulder)

Does "friend of idiots" sound any better than "Quinn's cousin or whatever"?

JANE

You have a point.

(glues a bottle-cap onto the sculpture)

DARIA

What is that thing?

(reaches towards JANE's sculpture)

JANE

Don't touch it! It took me hours to build.

JANE

(yelling towards the floor)

Hah! You'll have to do better than that, Trent, if you want to break this one! It's made with one hundred percent pure, grade-A epoxy!

DARIA

Who's Trent?

JANE

My older brother, the guitarist. Tall, thin, dark hair, earrings, and tattoos.

DARIA

I think I've seen him in the hallway.

JANE

Probably just got home from detention. Come on, Daria, let's go irritate him. It's a law of nature that siblings have to be at each other's throats.

(beat)

I'll let you throw my statue at him.

DARIA

(nervously)

I'd rather not get involved with your family's internal struggles.

JANE

Don't worry; this baby ought to be strong enough to stand up to hitting his head a few kilometers per hour. It'll probably come out of the encounter in a more interesting shape.

DARIA

Yeah, but with all the epoxy on it, aren't you afraid it'll stick to him?

JANE

If that happens we'll just call it conceptual art, and when they haul us into court, we'll plead "creative license".

DARIA

If you don't mind, I'd like to check with my aunt, the lawyer, before we try tossing that thing at your brother.

JANE

You really like my brother; don't you?

DARIA

What makes you think that?

JANE

Come on, Daria. I've seen you looking at my brother in the hall. Why don't you go talk to him?

DARIA

What's it to you?

JANE

You're not...

(beat)

...you know?

DARIA

No, I don't. I'm not what?

JANE

(sighs)

Hold still.

DARIA

(jumping up)

Jane, are you crazy! I don't like you that way!

(wipes lips on sleeve)

Argh! Are all you Lanes this loony-tunes?

JANE

So you're not...

DARIA

Definitely not.

JANE

Just wanted to be sure. So now you don't have an excuse...

DARIA

Yeah, yeah. That tongue thing was good, though...

TRENT

You're the Devil in black,

And you sure have a knack

For putting my heart on the shelf in the back.

I'm waiting my turn.

Oh, when will I learn?

You're giving my heart a case of freezer burn!

Yeah...

JESSE

Icebox woman--

TRENT

Can't you leave me alone?

JESSE

Icebox woman--

TRENT

Can't you quit and go home?

JESSE

Icebox woman--

TRENT

Oh, what deed did I do--

JESSE

Icebox woman--

TRENT

To meet someone like you?

TRENT, catching sight of DARIA, begins messing up chords, and quickly the playing stops. DARIA and JANE giggle. DARIA and TRENT catch sight of each others' eyes. The love theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" plays in the background for a moment.

JANE

Trent? Trent!

TRENT

Huh?

JANE

Trent, this gorgeous young lady is Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, meet Trent "the Narcoleptic" Lane.

(goes over towards JESSE as TRENT approaches DARIA)

TRENT

Pleased to meet you.

(takes DARIA's hand, kisses it; gesturing towards JESSE)

That's Jesse Moreno.

(beat)

What brings you to Casa Lane?

JANE

I met Daria in self-esteem class today.

TRENT

You have low self-esteem, or are you just trying to bilk your parents?

DARIA

Neither. I have low esteem for the school psychologist.

TRENT

I'll have to agree with you there. Did you enjoy the song? It's called "Icebox Woman".

DARIA

Better than half the trash on the radio today.

(thinking)

Which isn't saying much.

JESSE

(to TRENT)

We doing a show this weekend?

TRENT

Beats me. Ask our manager.

JANE

Daria?

DARIA

Uh, I don't think I've heard of any yet.

(resumes infatuatedly staring at TRENT)

JANE

Excuse us a minute, guys.

(drags DARIA away a bit)

Are you OK?

DARIA

Uh, yeah. You know all the answers on the self-esteem class exit test, right?

JANE

I've got them on my computer.

DARIA

Why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?

JANE

How would I spend my afternoons?

DARIA

Uh, UFO conventions?

JANE

Or with Trent and Jesse?

DARIA

(uneasily)

What gives you that idea?

JANE

As a charter member of the Lawndale Society of Outcasts, it is my duty to aid you in your noble quest.

DARIA

(under her breath)

Oh, great.

JANE

Let's go copy my notes onto your computer. And call Andrea. She'll want to be in on this, too...

DARIA and JANE are walking through the hallway as QUINN and TOMMY stand talking by QUINN's locker.

TOMMY

So, like, what do you like to do after school?

QUINN

Oh, I'm very social person; I like to go see movies, or, like, a theme park, or out for a really fancy meal now and then, and maybe go to a concert if, like, I know someone who has good seats and is renting a limo and stuff.

JANE

You hear that? He's trying to two-time Sandi the Fashion Fiend. She'll kill him.

DARIA

Doesn't poem on the bathroom wall say:

You know Quinn's a winner.

She couldn't be thinner,

'Cause she doesn't touch food

But eats guys for dinner.

Based on what I've seen of her since I got dragged down to Lawndale, it's accurate.

JANE

That's odd. That poem wasn't there yesterday. You ought to write lyrics for Mystic Spiral.

DARIA

If you want to use lyrics like that, you'll end up alienating a lot of your potential fans, babe.

A group of cheerleaders, including BRITTANY and BROOKE, are standing in formation in gym clothes. ANDREA, similarly dressed and with a head-band, is standing before them.

DARIA and JANE, though dressed for gym class, are sitting at the bottom of the bleachers. They sit side-by-side, their thighs pressed lightly together. By them is AXL, who is still in his street clothes, oblivious to this.

AXL

... And that's the honest truth; I swear it.

DARIA

That was not something I needed to know about pepperoni.

JANE

(aside, to DARIA)

Have him tell you about what's in Ms. Morris's desk drawers, babe.

AXL

Now, Dar, I know why Jane hangs out here, but what's a pretty sheila like you sitting on the bleachers with me?

DARIA

(deadpan)

Your stunning personal hygiene.

JANE

She's still recovering from her fashion trauma.

AXL

I can understand--Oh, bloody Hell! Look at that!

BRITTANY especially looks enthusiastic, when suddenly she tumbles forwards and ends up tasting the floor.

JANE

I love it when that happens.

DARIA

You wouldn't know anything about that cheerleader accident at the last pep rally, would you?

JANE

Uh, what accident?

DARIA

(drawing closer)

The one everyone's been telling me about, when a pyramid of cheerleaders collapsed because someone greased the floor with petroleum jelly.

JANE

I know nothing about that.

DARIA

Sure you do.

MS. MORRIS

(to DARIA)

As for you, Delilah--

DARIA

It's "Daria". Can't anyone in this school get my name right?

JANE

You hit her weak spot. Two idiots who are now famous used to refer to her as an unpleasant bodily function.

DARIA

And thanks to you, that will be on my mind for the rest of the day.

MS. MORRIS

And you are sitting out because...

DARIA

I am too stressed by recent major life changes to be motivated to participate in many activities with my peer group.

MS. MORRIS

You've been spending time with that weird O'Neill guy; haven't you?

JANE

She's the one whose parents fell onto cows.

DARIA

And I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Enthusiastically doing stuff which looks like cheerleader routines is beyond me at the moment.

MS. MORRIS

Uh-huh. What's your excuse, Jane?

JANE

You read my doctor's note. I was born with hamstrings which are too short. Every time I try to participate, they cramp up.

MS. MORRIS

Except when we're doing track, at which point you can run perfectly fine.

JANE

I never claimed to understand the anatomy.

DARIA

(to JANE)

When we dissect the fetal pigs in Barch's class, remind me to point it out to you.

BRITTANY

(out of view)

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Students are lining up to get low-quality food. BRITTANY and DARIA are in line, picking up trays.

BRITTANY

I was wondering: I'm having a party at my house Saturday night. Care to come?

DARIA

Why? I'm not a particularly social person.

BRITTANY

Well, you seem pretty depressed, your mom and dad having fallen onto a cow--

DARIA

Does Quinn have to tell everyone about that?

BRITTANY

So I thought you could use some cheering up.

DARIA

If you want to cheer me up, tell me who brainwashed Quinn.

BRITTANY

You mean she's in a cult?

DARIA

No, she's not in a cult. Six years ago, she was preoccupied with chemistry.

BRITTANY

She was a geek?

DARIA

She was the queen of the geeks.

TRENT and JESSE are sitting there, trying to eat lunch, and being badgered by QUINN.

TRENT

I'm telling you, Quinn: it's over between us. I've met someone better than you.

QUINN

What? I'm the smartest girl around here, and you've got this weird brain fetish.

(whispering)

Besides, you can't just sleep with me and dump me.

JESSE

Janey brought home with her someone smart yesterday, someone less flashy and frivolous.

TRENT

And why should I settle for a smart fashion-addict when there's hope for me to find someone with depth as well?

QUINN

But I am deep!

TRENT

Dating a different guy every night and two on Saturdays is a pretty rotten way to treat people. I'm not willing to go through that again. I got enough of it from Sandi, and I'm not going to take it from you.

JESSE

Even if she isn't the One, she's got to be better for him than you.

SANDI

(out of view)

Quinn, we're about to start the meeting.

QUINN

Coming.

(to TRENT)

Mark my words: you'll regret this.

(exits)

MR. O'NEILL

And so ended the tale, in which the protagonist was able to find his self-efficacy and overcome his obstacle, all by exercising the power of will.

JANE

(aside)

And you'd never have thought The Little Engine That Could could be so interesting, hon.

DARIA

(aside)

The worst part is he's spoiled the ending for the upcoming movie.

MR. O'NEILL

Now as our time together winds down, let's take a moment and contemplate the deeper message behind the story. There are things we all want in life, and some of them are harder than others to achieve. But there is nothing in life which we cannot reach if we just will it to happen. I think I can; I think I can. See you tomorrow, kids.

JANE

What did he say?

DARIA

Sounds like some of that trash Quinn gave me to read.

JANE

That bad, huh?

DARIA

The worst part is I stopped up the toilet trying to flush the computer. I'm more worried about doing; most people aren't capable of thinking. Ready to do this?

JANE

Right behind you.

ANDREA

I can't.

DARIA

Sure you can.

JANE

Just put a smile on your face and recite the lines.

ANDREA

I can't smile. I've never been able to.

JANE

Hey, if Little Ms. Monotone over here can do it, so can you. And she has no emotions.

DARIA

(deadpan)

I am not monotone.

ANDREA

I do have emotions. Unfortunately, the only ones I have are lust, hate, anger, and rage.

JANE

(taking ANDREA's wrist)

Come on...

DARIA

(following; deadpan)

I am not monotone.

ANDREA, DARIA, and JANE approach O'NEILL, who is sitting at his desk doing paperwork. JANE is wearing a normal smile, DARIA has a Mona Lisa smile, and ANDREA has an obviously fake smile and looks like she's in pain holding it.

O'NEILL

(noticing them)

Oh, my dear little friends, what can I do for you?

DARIA

(completely deadpan)

Actually, when we woke up this morning, we had this realization of all that was wrong with our lives.

JANE

(melodramatically)

We saw the light, and it has filled us completely, evaporating all that has weighted down our souls.

ANDREA

(struggling to sound happy)

And now that we've been enlightened, we feel it is time to spread our wings and fly as free as the wind.

MR. O'NEILL

Well, I'm glad you're full of self-fulfillment! But we still have several more weeks of class left.

DARIA

You have shown us the way this first week. I've never seen teaching like yours before.

MR. O'NEILL

Thank you very much.

DARIA

So can we take the exit exam?

MR. O'NEILL

I'm afraid not. There's so much more for you three to learn that I really don't think you'd pass.

DARIA

Oh.

JANE

(sighs; to DARIA)

I told you we weren't good enough.

DARIA

It's all my fault. What was I thinking?

ANDREA

I feel lower than dirt for thinking that my self-esteem could have risen so high in so short a time.

MR. O'NEILL

No, don't feel bad! I'll let you take the exit exam early if it'll really boost your self-esteem!

DARIA

Well, OK.

JANE

(shrugs)

Yeah.

ANDREA

(putting fake smile back on)

Goodie.

MR. O'NEILL

(looks at a copy of the exit exam)

Question one: Self-esteem is important because...

DARIA

It's a quality that enables us to do anything we set our minds to do.

MR. O'NEILL

Very good. Now, the next time I feel bad about myself...

JANE

Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say, "You are number one. No one else is as good as you."

MR. O'NEILL

You definitely have been paying attention. Next question: there's no such thing...

ANDREA

As the right weight.

DARIA

Or the right height.

JANE

There's only what's right for me.

ANDREA

Because I'm perfect just the way I am.

MR. O'NEILL

I don't think that there's any need to go further. I am pleasantly surprised with the three of you. Never before has anyone completed this course so fast. I think that the whole school should hear about this at assembly.

DARIA, JANE, and ANDREA

No!

DARIA and JANE are sitting together on the latter's bed, side-by-side, pressed close together as they look at a common pad.

DARIA

(looking at one of JANE's sketchbooks)

These are really good. I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one who drew zombies.

JANE

What? You've been sketching the high-quality zombies at the Mall of the Millennium, too?

DARIA

Naah. I do it from memory. It's a great way to scare people when demonstrating artistic principles. I thought Brittany was going to freak out when I demonstrated one-point perspective to her today in art class.

JANE

So you've met the Inflatable Bimbo; haven't you?

DARIA

Yeah. She invited me to her party.

JANE

No kidding! Are you going?

DARIA

No way. It was a pity invitation. She heard about how my parents died from Quinn.

JANE

Oh, the thing about them skydiving onto a cow.

DARIA

I'm going to kill Quinn.

JANE

Don't bother. Think of this as an opportunity to get to know people better, babe.

DARIA

I got to know people too well in Highland. That's why I'm a pessimist.

JANE

OK, think about it as an opportunity to get to know one person better.

DARIA

Oh, great.

JANE

You wouldn't happen to know if Brittany's hired a band?

DARIA

I have no idea. You really are Mystic Spiral's manager; aren't you?

JANE

(picking up the telephone and dialing)

Do you really think Trent and Jesse could manage themselves?

JANE

Hey, Britt! It's Jane.

(beat)

The one who's been helping you with geometry.

(beat)

Lots of circles, squares, and triangles.

(beat)

I hear you're having a party Saturday night. You need a band? I just happen to know one that's available.

(beat)

Mystic Spiral.

(beat)

Is there such a thing as too many cute guys?

(beat)

I knew you'd see things my way.

(beat)

That'll do.

(beat)

Can do. See you then.

(hangs up)

DARIA

This really is all a plot to get me and Trent together; isn't it?

JANE

We'll pick you up in the Tank about seven. Don't be late.

Among an orgy of pink, green, and lace, a menagerie of stuffed animals, QUINN stands before her closet selecting clothes. Her closet is like the gateway to another world, seemingly hung infinitely deep with clothes of all kinds and colors, undiminished by the large volume which has been pulled out and arranged all over the lace-trimmed canopy bed and pink plush carpeting. Mariah Carey's "Revenge" plays in the background.

QUINN

(looking in mirror while handling clothes, to herself)

Sheer, semisheer, or opaque? Textured!

DARIA

(walking by open door, stopping, imitating QUINN)

Oh, what the Hell! I'll just go naked!

QUINN

Don't mock the creative process, Daria. I'm trying to select the perfect outfit for a party.

DARIA

What the Hell is that music? Rock opera? It sounds like you're preparing for some ultra-violence with your droogs.

QUINN

It's Mozart. Haven't you heard? It makes you smarter.

DARIA

And who would have thought you needed a boost, L. Quinn?

QUINN

Ha ha. Parties are one of the most important social gatherings for young adults. It is a place to bond with our peers, to maintain and improve our social status.

DARIA

And not a bad place to hook up with cute guys.

QUINN

They're not mutually exclusive goals.

DARIA

So how did you get invited to Brittany's party?

QUINN

How did you know it was Brittany's party?

DARIA

She invited me.

QUINN

That's awfully nice of her.

DARIA

It was a pity invitation.

QUINN

It doesn't matter how you get there, only what you do when you arrive.

DARIA

And how did you get invited? I was under the impression you and she weren't on good terms.

QUINN

I'm technically the guest of someone who was invited. You can't a priori throw out someone's date.

DARIA

I can't argue with that logic.

QUINN

This will be a good opportunity for you, give you a chance to loosen up. Now,

(holds up white blouse to DARIA's chest)

maybe if we put you in this blouse, and maybe a miniskirt--

DARIA

I don't think so.

QUINN

Image is important, Daria. How do you expect to meet anyone if you're wearing all black? It's so depressing.

DARIA

That's funny. I met someone the other day, and he didn't seem to mind what I was wearing. I wouldn't want to upset Trent by suddenly dressing too cheerily.

QUINN

Trent? As in "Trent Lane"?

DARIA

You think it was Trent Reznor?

QUINN

(throwing down clothes she's holding, storming out)

Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life!

JAKE, HELEN, DARIA, and QUINN are sitting around the dinner table. HELEN is still giving part of her attention to that flat computer.

QUINN

Mom, tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party! My popularity is at stake! She's determined to be a social black hole!

DARIA

I thought Lawndale was a social black hole. That's why my mom never accepted that job offer here.

QUINN

Shouldn't you ground her

(beat)

'cause her room is a mess? She's got fake bones all over the floor.

DARIA

(to JAKE)

You wouldn't believe what Quinn's hiding under all that lace and frilly stuff in her room.

QUINN

Wait, there's something worse: she's been hanging with a Satanic head-bangers band. Everyone in school knows it.

JAKE

What!

(to DARIA)

In Highland you hung with those imbeciles who could barely form sentences! Now you have to hang with Satanic head-bangers! Must all your friends be weirdoes?

DARIA

As if Quinn gravitated towards decent people. Beavis and Butt-Head were not friends; they were guinea pigs for my science project. As for Trent and Jesse, they're not Satanic head-bangers; pop musicians, maybe, but nothing demented. And I can't really claim to have hung with them yet; I've only met them once.

HELEN

(obviously not having paid attention to much of what's been said)

I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. We'd be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.

DARIA and QUINN

No!

JAKE

Have you even been listening, Helen?

TRENT is driving, JESSE is riding shotgun, and DARIA (wearing dark gray), ANDREA, and JANE are in the back. DARIA has her hand resting on JANE's knee.

Besides the standard furniture, there are two ceramic tigers. BRITTANY and KEVIN are putting food on a table. The doorbell rings. BRITTANY approaches and opens the front door, revealing our heroes.

Our heroes start moving towards the other side of the living room, opposite the refreshments table. DARIA nearly runs into QUINN (anomalously wearing her "sunglasses" indoors) and JOEY, who are walking around a corner into the living room. Their hair looks a bit messed up.

DARIA

My, my, my. Did you two get here early for the two kinds of chips?

(to QUINN, quieter)

Confidentially, I think he'll need some time to choose between the flat and ridgy ones.

JOEY

Uh...

QUINN

Very funny, Daria. Joey and I just got here early and took a look around. The den's fairly interesting.

JANE

Now, now, ladies. Daria, I'm sure Quinn wasn't doing anything illicit and, in fact, probably has a lot on her mind.

QUINN

Thank you.

JANE

Such as the fact that she's lost a contact and now has to wear glasses inside or else be walking into walls.

TRENT, JANE, ANDREA, and JESSE have set up and are playing something instrumental. Various assorted students (practically all in the cast) are mulling about. DARIA is standing in a corner, feeling too shy to hang closer to TRENT. QUINN (apparently having found her contact) is talking to the other members of the Fashion Club and two fashion-conscious extras. JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE are getting snacks from a table and being pestered by KEVIN. HEATHER and MONIQUE are up to something.

HEATHER

This is way too boring. Too many people are having too good a time.

MONIQUE

Don't worry. I know just how to start a fight.

HEATHER

How?

MONIQUE

Watch me.

(walks up to KEVIN and kisses him passionately on the lips)

BRITTANY

(notices, looks distressed, shouts)

Kevvy! How could you?

(runs out of the room)

KEVIN

(oblivious, following)

What'd I do, babe?

HEATHER

You call that a fight?

MONIQUE shrugs.

QUINN

(to rest of the Fashion Club)

So I said, "Just because people are cliquey and snobby is no reason not to like them."

The 3 Js walk up to QUINN.

JOEY

Hey, Quinn, care to dance.

JEFFY

Dance with me.

(quietly)

I hear Joey still sleeps with a teddy bear.

JAMIE

Care to ditch these two losers?

(quietly)

I heard from Angie that Jeffy is a sloppy kisser.

QUINN

Guys, you don't have to fight over me. I'd enjoy spending time with all of you.

SANDI looks irked as QUINN goes off a bit with the 3 Js, but her mood improves as TOMMY enters. He is wearing a pinstripe suit, looking almost like a gangster in 1920s Chicago. SANDI approaches him.

SANDI

(putting her arms around TOMMY)

Nice outfit.

TOMMY

(reciprocating)

I had an interview earlier. My dad wants me to take over the family cement business when he retires.

(chuckles)

As if the talent scouts won't scoop me up into a career of pro football.

SANDI

As if.

(beat)

Have a seat. I'll get you a Budweiser.

(departs)

TOMMY sits down, looking around a bit while taking out a cigarette and a lighter and trying to light up. Suddenly someone dashes a drink over his head.

TOMMY

(yelling)

What the Hell is wrong with you?

The music in the background abruptly stops. All eyes turn towards them.

DARIA

Me? What the Hell is wrong with you?

TOMMY

I'm just trying to relax, have a cigarette, and you just come along and throw a drink in my face!

DARIA

You want to poison yourself and die of lung cancer, go ahead. Just do it somewhere else where you won't be taking other people with you.

TOMMY

You have a real attitude problem; you know that?

DARIA

Thanks.

DARIA walks away. A few people chuckle at TOMMY's expense. The background music resumes and people return to the party. SANDI returns with a beer bottle.

SANDI

What happened to you?

TOMMY

(taking the beer)

That crazy geek in the dark gray dress threw a drink in my face while I was trying to light up.

(takes a big sip)

Some people are so insensitive.

SANDI

Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn's cousin or whatever.

TOMMY

The one with fashion trauma? I hope she falls on a cow herself!

ANDREA

(from across the room)

Hey, Goal-Post-Head! The wet look suits you!

TOMMY

Shut up, you Goth freak!

MONIQUE

Yes! Daria missed starting a fight by

(holding index finger and thumb slightly apart)

that much! We can still be first!

HEATHER

Good. I've just the perfect thing.

(pulls a hip flask out of her pocket)

MONIQUE

What's that? Moonshine? They already have beer here.

HEATHER

(as they walk over to the refreshments table)

Better: glitter berry juice.

MONIQUE

Isn't that poisonous?

HEATHER

(pouring some into the punch)

Not really. It's harmless--except for the fact that it makes people act like idiots. Why? Are you worried about being caught?

MONIQUE

Naah. But with this crowd, how are we going to tell if it works?

MONIQUE and HEATHER approach DARIA as TIFFANY continues lecturing on the popularity of the various people present.

Enter UPCHUCK from another room, approaching DARIA, HEATHER, and MONIQUE. STACY is not paying attention anymore to TIFFANY but is looking at boys.

UPCHUCK

Hello, ladies.

(to DARIA, bowing low)

Charles Ruttheimer the Third, at your service. And you are?

DARIA

Xena, Warrior Princess.

UPCHUCK

I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you like a tour of the house? It's free.

HEATHER

Go with him. Then you'll have no doubts that you want to be an outcast. It's better than standing around doing nothing, anyway.

MONIQUE

Then put him out of our misery. You can hide the corpse in the drier in the laundry room.

DARIA

(uncertain)

OK...

TIFFANY

(seeing STACY staring)

Who are you looking at?

STACY

Uh, no one in particular. There are just so many cute boys here tonight.

TIFFANY

(seeing some interesting guys)

Hmm.

SANDI

(quietly)

I told you, geeks are off-limits.

TIFFANY

That's Stacy's problem, not mine. I know very well that it would ruin our popularity to be seen with such people, especially that geek with the bird.

SANDI

Very good. The last thing we need is to be associated with a weirdo who thinks that a pigeon is a party animal.

(noticing STACY)

Stacy, who are you staring at?

STACY

(not diverting her gaze)

No one.

UPCHUCK

Note the canopy bed made of genuine walnut with a deep finish, the handmade lace bed ruffle, and of course the genuine silk sheets. Have you ever slept nude in silk sheets? It's almost like having your whole body surrounded by the finest part of a woman.

DARIA

Ew! That's a really disgusting thought, crawling into a human brain.

UPCHUCK

That wasn't the part I meant, but I do appreciate that aspect of a woman, too.

DARIA

You have some ulterior motive for bringing me in here; don't you?

UPCHUCK

What makes you say that?

(closes the door)

DARIA

For one thing, what you just did.

UPCHUCK

Admit it: when you first saw me, you knew we were made for each other!

DARIA

Pardon me?

UPCHUCK

You are the perfect woman, both brilliant and beautiful! You are the perfect complement for myself! Let us consummate the perfect match at once!

UPCHUCK embraces DARIA. DARIA punches UPCHUCK in the face and kicks him with her boots.

ARTIE and ROBERT (in a green shirt) enter the room and stare at HEATHER, MONIQUE, and DARIA. Both guys are visibly intoxicated.

HEATHER

Those guys are looking at us.

(to MONIQUE)

I told you that the glitter berry juice would work.

DARIA

I'm not interested in them. They remind me too much of Beavis and Butt-Head.

MONIQUE

The one in the green shirt is cute

(beat)

in a head too big for his body kind of way. If you don't go for Trent, you could go for him.

DARIA

You've been talking to Jane; haven't you?

ROBERT

So, where have you girls been all our lives?

DARIA

(deadpan)

Waiting here for you. We have no purpose and destiny but you. Take me, right here, right now, you paragon of male virtue and handsomeness. My only desire is to be your love slave.

ROBERT

Hey, Artie! She likes you!

MONIQUE

(quietly to ARTIE and ROBERT)

Confidentially, I think Brooke has a crush on you two.

ARTIE

Really?

MONIQUE

More than Xena here. Why don't you make her most secret dreams come true?

ARTIE

With extreme pleasure!

ROBERT

Count me in!

DARIA

Thanks. Those guys were making me nauseous.

HEATHER

(noticing QUINN trying to get the 3 Js out of the room)

Is it my imagination, or does Quinn look rather anxious?

DARIA

Quinn? Where?

MONIQUE

She's hiding behind the ceramic tiger.

DARIA

(to QUINN)

Yoo-hoo! Sister!

QUINN

Um, excuse me, guys. I gotta go to the bathroom.

DARIA

(approaching)

Hi, sister!

QUINN

I'm your cousin, not your sister! Aren't you a little out of place dressed like that? That's almost as bad as what you usually wear.

DARIA

(to the 3 Js)

Hi! I'm Quinn's brainy sister. People think we're twins.

QUINN

(pushing the 3 Js out of the room)

Come on, guys; let's go check out the den.

DARIA

(walks over to HEATHER and MONIQUE)

You know, being an outcast does have its advantages.

MONIQUE

(gesturing)

You could always irritate her other friends, too.

DARIA

Not a bad idea.

(walks away)

HEATHER

(to MONIQUE)

You are so evil.

DARIA

(to STACY, TIFFANY, and the extras--SANDI has deserted to talk to TOMMY)

... It was after she walked into the glass doors at the Mall of the Millennium six times that Mom realized that Quinn had a serious vision problem.

STACY

That is so sad.

DARIA

She lost a contact in the laundry room before you got here. She was actually walking around with glasses indoors before she found it.

QUINN

(approaches DARIA, then drags her away)

I've got ten dollars.

DARIA

Ten dollars doesn't buy anything these days.

QUINN

Twenty?

DARIA

Twenty dollars buys only a single book these days.

QUINN

Forty?

DARIA

Well...

TRENT is intercepted by QUINN. QUINN pushes TRENT down on a sofa and sits on his lap.

TOMMY

(a bit inebriated, to SANDI)

Did I just see that?

SANDI

Yeah. He may look cool, but he doesn't warm up to popular people very quickly.

TOMMY

That's disgusting. I never thought he'd sink so low to go out with such a geek. Even after Andrea.

ANDREA

(approaches)

You're no prize yourself, Goal-Post-Head.

(moves away)

QUINN

(approaching)

He has this brain fetish, and I was close to getting him to accept me when Daria moved here. Then he didn't want to do anything to do with me.

SANDI

Wait a minute. Wasn't that cousin of yours the one with the pink, frilly dress?

QUINN

Unfortunately. She tells me she turned into a pessimist after she met Beavis and Butt-Head. Though I think it has to do more with the death of her parents.

TOMMY

Neither of those explains how anyone can be so sick. Or why Trent is so messed up.

DARIA

(nervously)

Um, nice music you were playing.

TRENT

Thanks.

DARIA

I've never quite heard music like that before.

TRENT

Daria...

(beat)

Do you believe in love at first sight?

DARIA

It's been reported to happen.

TRENT

But do you think it does?

DARIA

I don't know. Maybe with the right people.

TRENT

But how can two people just suddenly know they're right for each other?

DARIA

I don't know. They just look at each other, and they have this moment of clarity...

DARIA's voice trails off as she and TRENT, looking at each other, start moving towards each other to kiss. The love theme from Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet" begins to play. They stop suddenly as JANE and JESSE enter. Their hair is a bit messed up, and JANE has a sock clinging to her shoulder. They approach DARIA and TRENT.

JESSE

Go, Trent! Go!

DARIA

(falling back in her seat)

Oh, great.

TRENT

What happened to you two?

JANE

Uh, looking for Quinn's missing contact?

DARIA

She found it already.

(picks sock off of JANE's shoulder)

Is this yours?

JANE

(sighs)

Jesse thought my head was a lollipop.

TRENT

(to Jesse)

Ready to get back to work?

JESSE

Sure thing.

Enter JANE, JESSE, DARIA, and TRENT. ANDREA is already back at the drums. TRENT is confronted by a very drunk TOMMY as DARIA gives him a kiss before he starts playing again.

TOMMY

(putting his arm over TRENT's shoulder)

Hey, Trent! I hear you're now going with some geek.

DARIA

That would be me.

TRENT

What of it?

TOMMY

(to DARIA)

I can't imagine anyone wanting to talk to you.

(to JANE)

You, maybe--like, four hours into a kegger.

JANE

Perhaps after I barf on your shoes.

TRENT

What's your problem, Tommy? You have some problem with people who aren't shallow?

JESSE

Maybe hitting one too many goal-posts has damaged his brain.

TOMMY

(looking at JESSE)

Trent, you used to be cool, really cool.

TRENT

(rotating TOMMY's head manually)

I'm Trent.

TOMMY

Then you started reading poetry and literature. You got Monique to quit the Fashion Club. You started shunning half of the football team. And now you're here with a nerd?

(to DARIA)

You're one of those misery chicks, always moping about what a cruel world it is, making a big deal about it so people won't notice that you're a loser.

JANE

(to DARIA, singsong)

I don't think he likes you.

DARIA

That doesn't bother me.

TOMMY

Well, it bothers me how Trent here could see anything in anyone like you--how anyone could see anything in anyone like you!

TRENT

I think you've said enough, Tommy. You've had too much to drink, and it's about time someone drove you home.

TOMMY

(pulling himself away)

I don't need your help! I'm Tommy Sherman, greatest football player Lawndale High's ever seen! I can do anything!

(takes a swing at DARIA and TRENT)

DARIA

En garde!

(kicks TOMMY in the butt)

TOMMY goes flying into SANDI, and the two of them fall on top of JODIE. MACK, offended, picks up TOMMY and punches him, offending KEVIN, who punches MACK, resulting in a brawl among the football players, which spreads quickly to the cheerleaders and everyone else. (Let the fight choreographer have some fun, with the only restrictions being that DARIA, MONIQUE, HEATHER, MACK, JODIE, and everyone in Mystic Spiral doesn't get knocked out, and no one is seriously hurt.) Notably: 1) UPCHUCK propositions HEATHER and MONIQUE and is picked up by them and dunked in the punch-bowl. 2) JOEY and JAMIE pick up JEFFY and send him sliding across the food table, then punch each other. 3) BRITTANY kicks SANDI karate-style in the head. 4) SANDI grabs DARIA by the hair, the latter struggling to get free, punching SANDI in the face, and ending up falling on top of JANE, face to face, one of DARIA's hands ending up on JANE's chest. They interact briefly as the fight continues around them:

5) As DARIA climbs off of JANE, TRENT punches out TOMMY, who falls on top of SANDI. 6) STACY punches JEFFY in the face, causing him to fall unconscious to the floor. 7) JODIE punches out TIFFANY. 8) SANDI tries to crawl out from under TOMMY but gets kicked in the head by STACY and falls unconscious. 9) MACK punches EVAN and ARTIE. 10) BROOKE throws CURTIS through a window. 11) ANDREA shakes her head in disapproval, then overturns a ceramic tiger on UPCHUCK. 12) SANDI leaps on ANDREA's back, but ANDREA flips SANDI over her shoulder onto TIFFANY. 13) BRITTANY cartwheels onto TIFFANY's back and jumps onto QUINN, then jumps up, grabs a chandelier, swings across the room, and knocks BROOKE out the open window. 14) JANE and DARIA throw ARTIE and ROBERT through the open window.

DARIA and QUINN are sitting on a bench with JAKE and HELEN standing over them. A few other students from the fight are being interrogated by their parents nearby.

JAKE

How could you two get in a fight?

DARIA

Well--

JAKE

Quinn, your mother and I have put a huge amount of effort into raising you. Daria, we took you into our home after your parents died. How could you two betray us?

DARIA

Well--

JAKE

You two better have a damn good explanation for your behavior.

DARIA

Well--

JAKE

No excuses!

HELEN

Let them explain.

(beat)

Then we nail them.

QUINN

It's all Daria's fault! She started the fight!

JAKE

I knew it!

DARIA

Actually it was Tommy Sherman who started the fight.

JAKE

The football player? But football players are the greatest guys on the planet!

DARIA

Except for him. He had a problem with me and Trent seeing each other and attacked us.

JAKE

Well, of course he had a problem! Who wouldn't be upset at a Satanic head-banger?

DARIA

He's not a Satanic head-banger!

JAKE

I'll bet he isn't! He probably started the fight.

HELEN

(looking over the police report)

Actually, according to this, that Sherman boy started the fight according to all eyewitnesses. The arresting officer also notes that his breath smelled of glitter berry juice.

JAKE

What!?

DARIA

Told you.

QUINN

They're lying! She provoked him!

DARIA

As in by refusing to be a slave to common conceptions of how people should behave, thus prompting him to attack me.

JAKE

I knew it!

HELEN

Jake! We don't have a bit of evidence to blame Daria for anything! Everyone claimed Tommy Sherman started the fight, not Daria. According to this, he was intoxicated and had a big chip on his shoulder. Obviously he was no innocent bystander.

DARIA is seen from the shoulders up in the showers off the girls' locker room. As the steam rises around her, she soaps up her voluptuous body and rinses herself off under the stream cascading over her supple skin. The camera pulls back a bit to reveal JANE in a similar state of undress and activity.

DARIA squeezes a handful of body wash into her hand and proceeds to rub all over JANE's back.

The room is filled with teenage girls in various states of undress, changing either into gym clothes or back into street clothes. DARIA and JANE emerge from the showers dressed only in white towels wrapped around them, dipping in the front to show off their cleavage. (Note to costumer: Be sure to have plenty of tape.) They approach their gym lockers.

JANE

(opening her locker)

That was amusing.

DARIA

(opening her locker)

What is it with you and lubricants anyway?

JANE

(taking small radio from her locker)

A natural extension of my fascination with paints, I guess.

SANDI

(out of view)

Jane!

DARIA

Uh-oh...

SANDI

You did it; didn't you!

JANE

Did what?

SANDI

The honey in my body wash, that's what! Do you know how awfully sticky that makes you feel!

DARIA

(deadpan)

But you smell so sweet, just like your personality.

SANDI

(to DARIA)

You'd better watch yourself, misery chick.

(to JANE)

And as for you, art geek, you'd better watch yourself. If I ever catch you doing something like this, you're dead!

JANE switches on her radio. Suddenly feedback rings out through it, causing JANE to jump back. Weird Al Yankovic's "It's All about the Pentiums" begins the play.

DARIA moves the radio back and forth, listening for when it switches back and forth from music to feedback. Soon she finds it loudest by her locker and switches it off.

DARIA

What kind of a pervert bugs the girls' locker room?

JANE

Someone who likes looking at naked young women who's too lazy to do a search on-line?

DARIA

Get serious.

JANE

Sounds like the kind of stunt Upchuck would pull.

DARIA

Upchuck? As in "Charles Ruttheimer the Third"?

JANE

Sweetie, remind me some time to tell you how he got kicked out of prep school.

DARIA

That sicko tried to sleep with me at Brittany's party.

JANE

Fortunately you're already spoken for. Or are you...

DARIA

Jane--

JANE

Sorry. He must really have a crush on you.

DARIA

And to think I just did a striptease for him.

JANE

With a chest as good as yours, you probably gave him a heart attack. Want to flush it down the toilet, or would you rather put it in Sandi's locker?

DARIA

(taking a boot out of her locker, placing bug on bench)

Better still...

(smashes bug with heel of boot)

89 CUT TO: ANOTHER TABLE, where the entire Fashion Club are staring at DARIA and TRENT in horror.

QUINN

That is creepy. I can't believe he's been acting this way since he was a sophomore. Monique, OK. Andrea, maybe. But Daria? He must have a loose screw in his head.

SANDI

I wouldn't be so concerned except that he is otherwise extremely cool. We cannot let such a guy slip away from us.

QUINN

Especially a musician. That is, like, too cool to give up without a fight. But if he's been like this for two years, he's got to see something in Daria that he's not seeing in any of us.

STACY

Maybe he's got some sort of natural look fetish. There are some guys, strangely enough, who think eye-shadow and mascara look, like, weird and like the natural look much better.

SANDI

Daria doesn't have a natural look; if she wanted it, she would have, like, ditched those reading glasses and gotten contacts long ago, like Quinn should have.

QUINN

Hey! I told you, I did not lose a contact last night! Daria was lying!

TIFFANY

Maybe Trent had a bad experience with someone popular.

SANDI

Hey! I didn't do anything to him that I hadn't done to any other guy before!

TIFFANY

Sorry!

QUINN

Or maybe he just doesn't know that one doesn't have to be a nerd to be smart.

QUINN

What? Just because I'm popular doesn't mean I'm an underachiever.

SANDI

You never struck me as the brainy type before.

QUINN

It's a great way to keep my parents off my back. As long as I keep my GPA up, they're like putty in my hands.

STACY

Can you teach me how to be smart, Quinn? My parents can be such pains in the neck that--

SANDI

Enough!

(to QUINN)

Perhaps you should try correcting Trent's misconceptions about popular people.

QUINN

I can't recommend us pursuing him right now--he'd just turn us down. But we can poison his relationship with Daria. All we have to do is wait for the opportunity to present itself...

Between classes students are mulling around. DARIA and JANE are walking down the hall.

DARIA and JANE approach UPCHUCK, one on either side of him. Both put on smiles and look longingly at him.

DARIA

Hey, Charles.

UPCHUCK

Well, Hello, ladies. And how are you two doing today?

DARIA

Quite well. Aren't we, Jane?

JANE

Oh, yes. And how are you doing, Charles?

UPCHUCK

Feeling quite well, thank you. Never had a fitter day in my life.

DARIA

(smiling wider)

Good.

(beat)

I think I'm in the mood for someone who's fit. Someone with a lot of endurance.

JANE

You know, me too, Daria. You know, Chuck, all day I've been unable to think of anything other than

(whispers something into UPCHUCK's ear)

DARIA

(fingering UPCHUCK's collar)

Jane, you're going to give the poor boy a testosterone overdose!

UPCHUCK

Now, ladies, there's plenty of Ruttheimer to go around.

DARIA

I was hoping you'd say that.

(beat)

Ready?

UPCHUCK

Oh, yes, my darlings! I'm always ready.

JANE

Excellent. Follow us, Chucky.

DARIA and JANE are strolling in back of the main building, UPCHUCK following closely. A dumpster is visible in the direction they are moving.

DARIA and JANE stop before the dumpster, UPCHUCK before them as they turn and face him.

DARIA

Oh, we're here, darling. Tell me, Charles: do you like to watch?

UPCHUCK

Excuse me?

JANE

You were the one who bugged Daria's gym locker; weren't you?

UPCHUCK

(nervous)

Well, uh...

DARIA

You can tell us, Charles. It turns me on.

UPCHUCK

You can't blame me for having a fine aesthetic sense, can you?

JANE

Of course not. And you liked what you saw; didn't you?

UPCHUCK

My darlings, I have rarely seen such perfection outside of the air-brushed pages in magazines!

DARIA

I think that's what we wanted to know. Ready, Jane?

JANE

Ready, Daria.

UPCHUCK

Huh? Hey!

DARIA and JANE pick up the screaming UPCHUCK and toss him in the dumpster. They look at each other with satisfaction.

At the front of the classroom MS. BENNETT can be seen making a confusing diagram on the board with a lot of Xs, Os, and arrows between them. The class is full and includes JODIE, KEVIN, and TOMMY. DARIA can be seen in the back next to JANE, while QUINN is sitting in the front, looking a bit too attentive.

MS. BENNETT

... for necessities the consumption doesn't change much even though the price may go up considerably. Products like this are said to be inflexible...

JANE

(hushed, to DARIA)

You get what those diagrams mean? None of us ever did.

DARIA

(hushed, to JANE)

I think the Xs are supposed to be consumers and the Os consumer-eating dinosaurs, but I could be mistaken.

JANE

(hushed, to DARIA)

Probably so, sweetie. What you described sounds like something from one of Barch's lectures.

MS. BENNETT

(continuing to talk over them)

... compared to their consumption when prices are low. Products like these are said to be flexible. Now, let me show you something...

MS. BENNETT switches on an overhead projector. Superimposed over the text is an irregular ring. Everyone but QUINN looks a bit confused.

MS. BENNETT looks at the projector, finding on it is a coiled snake. Suddenly she jumps back, screaming, and much of the class follows her running out of the room. TOMMY and KEVIN look particularly freaked out as they run from the snake. QUINN is strutting out, calm, smiling. JANE and DARIA straggle, not really convinced running is warranted.

MS. BENNETT is still flipping out, leaning against the wall and hyperventilating while JODIE attends to her. A few other students, including KEVIN and TOMMY, are in a similar condition, but most are just enjoying not being in class. JANE pokes her head out the classroom door.

The students look confused but start filing back in to see DARIA holding the snake disdainfully by the tip of its tail. It has assumed an unnatural helical shape and is unquestionably motionless.

DARIA

A rubber snake, and not a very good one either.

(bangs the snake's head against the edge of a desk)

See, it's not alive. This is someone's stupid idea of a prank.

JODIE

Quinn, what are you pulling?

QUINN

(playing innocent)

Me? Why would I do something like this? I hate snakes!

DARIA

But probably not latex.

JODIE

(to DARIA)

I'm sure she carries plenty of that. Otherwise she'd be showing by now.

QUINN

What!?

JANE

(to JODIE)

Exactly. I'm supposed to be saying lines like that.

MS. BENNETT

(reentering the room; repeating to herself)

It's just a rubber snake; it's just a rubber snake; it's just a rubber snake...

(sees DARIA holding the rubber snake)

SNAKE!

(runs out of room screaming)

MS. BARCH is the science teacher, angry, hardened by experience, brimming with fury, ready to take it out on anyone remotely like those who've wronged her. DARIA (with reading glasses), BRITTANY, UPCHUCK, MACK, JODIE, and KEVIN, among others, are present besides MS. BARCH.

MS. BARCH

Yes, Kevin?

KEVIN

Can I make a clay model of a dolphin?

MS. BARCH

No, you idiot scum! That's not an experiment!

(calmer)

Kevin, Daria will be your lab partner.

BRITTANY

What!?

MS. BARCH

(to DARIA)

Keep an eye on the boy and make sure he learns something.

BRITTANY

But, Ms. Barch, Kevvy and I have never been separated on a lab project before!

MS. BARCH

Ah, who cares? You'll be better off without him, the slime-ball. Charles will be your partner, Brittany. From him you'll learn faster why all men are scum.

BRITTANY

But, Ms. Barch, he's disgusting!

UPCHUCK

I'm ready to put aside my disgust if you are.

KEVIN

(to DARIA)

Psst! I'll pay you to do my part of the work.

DARIA

Don't even think of dumping everything on me, you creep.

MS. BARCH

Shut up, Mack!

MACK looks surprised.

At one table, DARIA, JANE, ANDREA, TRENT, and JESSE are talking, the first two sitting right beside each other, the others across from them with ANDREA between the two guys. DARIA's elbow can be seen brushing against JANE's.

DARIA

... So now Kevin's my lab partner.

ANDREA

My condolences.

JANE

Next best thing to working alone.

DARIA

I know. He offered to pay me if I did his half of the work.

TRENT

Don't worry about it; last year Ms. Barch stuck me with Brooke as a lab partner. Once I figured out how to manipulate her, it was easy enough to make her do her share of the work.

JESSE

Maybe you could get a squeeze toy to distract him.

DARIA

That would defeat the whole point of torturing him by making him do his fair share. Besides, his squeeze toy is working with Upchuck.

JANE

(sighs)

Poor Upchuck.

DARIA

Poor

daria