in
“Neverending Nightmare”
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
The lighting is dim. Daria is sprawled out on the sofa, lying on her stomach, apparently unconscious. Trent sits on a chair nearby, playing something soothing on an acoustic guitar and humming along a little.
Daria slowly wakes up and sees Trent. She looks very pleased.
DARIA
(“What a hunk!”, almost intoxicated)
Trent!
TRENT
Hey, Daria. How are you feeling?
DARIA
(approaching, awkwardly)
Euphoric and uninhibited. Probably due to something funny growing on that pizza I ate last night. Gotta remember never to eat anything out of your fridge again.
TRENT
Actually—
DARIA
Whatever was in that pizza, it gave me this amazing dream. I dreamed that we had to go on the run after witnessing a Mafia hit, and I practically became your love-slave as part of our disguise. And then I spent 70 years or so after the mobsters were killed making you happy. I joined Mystik Spiral, and practically the only time I wasn’t sitting in your lap with your loving arms around me was when you had a guitar in your hands. And even when I complained about the physical closeness being embarrassing, it still felt really, really good.
TRENT
You know—
DARIA
(taking Trent’s guitar and putting it aside)
The whole thing seemed so right. I’ve wanted you badly ever since I first saw you and the Mystik Spiral practicing, and nothing every really diminished that desire. And now that I’m uninhibited, I can’t resist doing what I’m going to do now.
TRENT
You really don’t—
DARIA
Oh, I’ll complain about it later, but I won’t really mind.
(sits down in Trent’s lap)
From now on, Trent, consider me your love-slave—
TRENT
Daria, please, don’t say things like that!
DARIA
But, why, Trent? Why shouldn’t I live out a dream? You’ll be—
TRENT
Daria, it’s not a dream. It actually happened.
DARIA
Don’t be silly! You’re what? Twenty-four? There hasn’t been time for us to have five children, 18 grandchildren—
TRENT
Sixty-two great-grandchildren, and 12 great-great-grandchildren.
DARIA
(shocked into feeling more sober)
Trent, how did you know I dreamed that?
TRENT
Because it really did happen. You’re 92 years old, and I’m 97. We only look as young as we do because some doctors recently grew us new bodies from our stem cells and transplanted our brains into them. They did me last month, and they did you a few days ago. You’re feeling weird because of the surgery, and you’re only home because Lily thought you’d do better in familiar surroundings.
DARIA
I’m not buying it. I probably just talked in my sleep.
TRENT
You don’t need glasses anymore, Daria. They make everybody’s new eyes 20-20. You wanted to keep wearing glasses because you like the look and it makes it harder for people to claim you’re caving in to my desires.
Slowly Daria removes her glasses and looks around.
DARIA
Aw, Hell.
(beat)
Whether you’re telling the truth about me being an old lady or not, don’t even think about telling me you’d appreciate an unobstructed view of my beautiful eyes.
TRENT
(puts an arm around Daria’s waist and slips the hand under the edge of her jacket)
Now that’s the Daria I’ve grown to love.
(kisses her)
DARIA
Of course, for all I know, I could have been drugged and given laser surgery on my eyes.
monotone voice
Then how do you explain us?
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: TWO TEENAGE GIRLS.
The girls resemble Daria and Quinn as teenagers, though the Daria look-alike does not wear glasses, and both wear clothes that look like they’re made out of mylar. One of the girls flips a light switch, and we can see that Daria and Trent do not look the same as they did canonically. Trent has no tattoos or piercings. Daria’s hair is blond, she is wearing lip-gloss, and her clothing is a silkier version of her traditional outfit that does a poorer job of hiding her form.
Daria and Trent turn to face the girls.
DARIA
Aw, Hell. Esmeralda and Grace, the twins. You two heard everything; didn’t you?
ESMERALDA (AKA DARIA LOOK-ALIKE )
(monotone)
What? All that stuff about you being euphoric, uninhibited, and delusional?
GRACE (AKA QUINN LOOK-ALIKE)
Or that stuff about you being Grandpa Trent’s love-slave?
ESMERALDA
We heard nothing at all.
GRACE
Absolutely nothing.
ESMERALDA
Though considering the performance you gave last night for everyone in the family having a picnic on the front lawn, it really doesn’t matter.
GRACE
Yeah. After all, we wouldn’t want Darleen to win the latest contest of when you’d next proclaim your love-slaveness; now would we?
ESMERALDA
Please excuse us while we get some more condiments out of the fridge. It’s amazing how many people in our family get cranky when they don’t get mustard on their hamburgers, even if they happen to be celebrating your successful rejuvenation.
Esmeralda and Grace turn to leave, smirking.
DARIA
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I’m going to be stuck in this stupid role again!
EXT. THE LANE HOUSE — AFTERNOON.
The wall around the house has come down. Essentially a multi-block party/barbecue is in session. There are a few hundred people of all ages present, the majority of whom resemble various characters from the original TV show (especially the Lanes and the Morgendorffers) or hybrids between them. Young people tend to dress in mylar, the generation older than them in plaid. Various other styles are used. There are lots of “misery chicks” present. For most couples, the man has an arm around the woman’s waist with the hand under the edge of her shirt or jacket and feeling up her midriff; this may be assumed for all couples in this fanfic unless otherwise noted. Off to the side is performing a Lola and the Mystik Spiral cover band (or perhaps Lola and the Mystik Spiral impersonators, since it is not just the music they are copying, and the lead singer/keyboard player bears a striking resemblance to Daria), with some of the people closest to them dancing.
Esmeralda and Grace, both carrying bottles and jars of condiments, come out of the house and put their loads down on a table among other food. They then walk over to where two other teenage girls, one Lanesque and the other looking something like a white version of Jodie, are standing.
LANESQUE GIRL
So, did she say it yet?
GRACE
Not yet.
JODIESQUE GIRL
You’re lying.
ESMERALDA
No, she’s not. I was there, and Grandma Lola said nothing about being Grandpa Trent’s love-slave.
JODIESQUE GIRL
You’re also lying. You two smile slightly whenever you lie.
ESMERALDA
(deadpan)
Curses. Foiled again.
GRACE
My
face is too expressive.
(beat)
OK, fine. She threw herself at Grandpa Trent and offered herself to him as his love-slave. Then she realized she wasn’t a teenager and started complaining. Pretty much what everyone expected to happen.
JODIESQUE
GIRL
Since I won the bet, how about handing over the money you
three owe me?
The other girls hand over some cash.
ESMERALDA
I hope you’re happy, Darleen, especially since Grandma Lola’s going to be teased about being Grandpa Trent’s love-slave for another lifetime.
DARLEEN (AKA THE JODIESQUE GIRL)
Very. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find my fiancé so we can waste this on fun things. Bye.
(starts walking away)
CUT TO: THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
Trent and Daria come out of the house, Trent holding Daria close to him. The band stops performing, and the assembled cheer.
DARIA
(after the cheering dies down; rather perkier than canonically)
Thank you. It’s good to be getting back to normal again after such radical surgery. Never did I imagine that I would have such a large and loving family. Hell, I never imagined that practically everyone I knew would interbreed to form a single family, and certainly not one where people actually got along well enough that they weren’t trying to kill each other or that would produce so many intelligent and talented children. But it happened, and I’m glad that I, Daria Lola Morgendorffer, known professionally as Lola Lane, am going to be with you for a long time.
More cheering. A bunch of small children approach.
CHILD #1
Are you really Grandma Lola?
DARIA
(getting down on her knees so she can look the children straight in the eyes)
Yes, I am. My great-granddaughter Lily put my brain into this body.
CHILD #2
How do we know you’re really Grandma Lola?
DARIA
Well, you like telling me about the adventures of your teddy bear Sherry—
(looks at a different kid)
—and I’ve been teaching you and your cousin Rene to play the keyboard—
(looks at a different kid)
—and I’ve been working with you and Mel on creative writing.
CHILD #1
You are Grandma Lola!
Daria ends up sitting on the grass hugging and kissing her great- and great-great-grandchildren. Trent sits down behind her and pulls her into his lap, and the hugging and kissing of children continues. The band starts playing again.
PAN TO: ESMERALDA, GRACE, AND THE LANESQUE GIRL.
ESMERALDA
That is so beautiful.
GRACE
If
I weren’t a misery chick, I’d probably cry.
ESMERALDA
After seeing Grandma Lola so fragile these past few years that she didn’t even want Grandpa Trent to touch her much, it’s good to see her back to how she was originally: perky, social, and fulfilling the Lolaist ideal of making herself always available to her spouse.
LANESQUE GIRL
That’s not how Grandma Lola was originally.
ESMERALDA
Tiffany
Duke, have you completely lost your mind?
GRACE
She’s
right. No matter how much she complains about being perceived as
being a love-slave, she’s been that way all our lives, and
everybody says that’s how she’s always been.
TIFFANY DUKE (AKA THE LANESQUE GIRL)
That’s not what Grandma Janey claimed. She told me Grandma Lola was an outcast until she went on the run from the Mafia. And the whole perky thing is something she picked up for survival during that period that stuck with her. And she never dated Grandpa Trent during high school, much less slept with him then.
ESMERALDA
Oh, come on. Everyone knows what happened...
FLASHBACK: EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD (FROM “THE ROAD WORRIER”).
Jane and Jesse walk over to the Tank.
JANE
That’s odd. Didn’t we leave Lola and Trent around
here?
JESSE
Yeah.
CUT TO: INT. THE TANK, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SIDE DOOR.
The side door opens, revealing Jane and Jesse.
JESSE
Whoa!
JANE
I
knew you two were right for each other, but I never figured this
would happen so soon!
DARIA (VO)
I hate you, Janey.
CUT TO: ESMERALDA, GRACE, AND TIFFANY.
TIFFANY
Grandma Janey and Grandpa Jesse lied. I was with Grandma Janey when she was on her deathbed and she confessed to me what she’d done...
FLASHBACK: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM.
Jane, somewhere around 80 years old, is in bed, connected to machines. Tiffany, around 6, sits next to her.
JANE
(weakly)
Tiffany, I’ve got a confession to make.
TIFFANY
What is it, Grandma Janey?
JANE
You know what people say about what Grandma Lola was like when she was a teenager?
TIFFANY
Yeah.
JANE
Well, forget it. It’s a lie. In fact, everyone in Lawndale’s lied about how she was back then except herself and Grandpa Trent. She was the quintessential misery chick. She dressed in shapeless clothing, she always spoke in a monotone voice, she never wore makeup, and she didn’t like being touched by anyone. She was never a cheerleader, and she wasn’t particularly popular. She wasn’t a people person, and she did everything she could to hide the fact she was beautiful. She didn’t even use her middle name, “Lola”, because she thought it was too “bubbly”. Though she did have a crush on Trent, she never even dated him until they had to go on the run from the Mafia.
TIFFANY
Aw,
come on, now!
JANE
It’s true. We claimed she’d always been practically a love goddess in order to promote her music career and glossed over that she changed a lot when she went on the run from the Mafia. We wanted to make her someone people would look up to, and it worked. Everybody in Lawndale was in on it. People even moved back to Lawndale to take advantage of the jobs created by Harpies Records and the tourist trade created by Lola’s presence. Everyone who knew Lola was glad to tell visitors so and tell them all about her, only they didn’t remember things right or embellished their memories so she always was the most popular girl in school, everybody’s favorite cheerleader, and Trent’s love-slave as soon as she realized what a great guy he was. Even I got into the act, though Lola and Trent didn’t like it, but I was determined to do my part to make them a success, even though it meant bending the truth. Eventually they stopped complaining about it and didn’t say much about it in public. But in the past few years, I’ve gotten sick of lying to everybody. So I made a collection of material from back then to prove what Lola had really been like, but no one wants to look at it.
TIFFANY
Really?
(beat)
Wait a minute. If Grandma Lola was such a misery chick, how come she ended up as Grandpa Trent’s love-slave?
JANE
I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with something that happened soon after we graduated from high school…
FLASHBACK WITHIN FLASHBACK: EXT. PIZZA FOREST — DAY.
Daria is dragging Jane towards Pizza Forest.
JANE
No! No! No! I’m not going in there!
DARIA
Jane, you’ve gotten me to do a lot of silly things ever since I’ve met you. At the very least I can return the favor.
JANE
But this place gives me nightmares!
DARIA
Uh-huh. It would give me nightmares, too, but it drives my family crazy.
Daria pulls Jane into Pizza Forest.
INT. PIZZA FOREST.
JANE
You don’t understand. Whenever I’ve been here, I’ve had these weird dreams about being abducted by aliens dressed as Pizza Forest critters.
DARIA
Can’t be any worse than that nightmare you had about Upchuck posing nude for you.
JANE
Much worse. These alien dreams seemed absolutely real. They’d grab me, take me into the back room, and stick things in my brain.
DARIA
Jane, keep in mind that those were just dreams. I’ve had my own share of very realistic dreams, and none of them ever bothered me. Here, let me show you your fears are unjustified.
Daria walks over to the nearest Pizza Forest critter and pulls off his/her mask, revealing a gray alien inside.
Jane screams.
SMASH CUT TO: ESMERALDA, GRACE, AND TIFFANY.
Esmeralda and Grace are practically laughing their butts off.
TIFFANY
What’s so funny?
GRACE
It’s way too
(snicker)
preposterous to be
(snicker)
real.
ESMERALDA
That
scenario
(snicker)
comes straight out
(snicker)
of one of Grandma Lola’s
(snicker)
Melody Powers stories.
GRACE
Even if
(snicker)
Grandma Lola
(snicker)
really had
(snicker)
been a misery chick,
(snicker)
you really think she turned
(snicker)
into Grandpa Trent’s
(snicker)
love-slave because
(snicker)
of beings for which
(DeMartinoesque)
not one shred of evidence exists that they’re real?
Esmeralda and Grace roll on the grass, laughing their butts off. Tiffany, not happy, walks away.
Tiffany, in the midst of her stalking away, runs straight into a teenage boy who looks like a cross between Mr. O’Neill and Kevin Thompson.
O’NEILL/KEVIN LOOK-ALIKE
(putting his arms around Tiffany and slipping his hands up the back of her shirt)
Are you alright? You look upset.
TIFFANY
I
am upset, Latham. I just told Grace and Esmeralda about Grandma
Janey’s deathbed confession, and they thought it was one big
joke.
LATHAM (AKA O’NEILL/KEVIN LOOK-ALIKE)
Well, it’s not like it’s the easiest story to believe. People don’t get abducted by aliens every day.
TIFFANY
Yeah, but anyone I’ve ever been stupid enough to mention it to, besides you, thought I was making the whole thing up.
LATHAM
Can you blame them? Grandma Janey always told everybody that Grandma Lola had always been popular and loved by all, and she never told any of us about aliens either. It’s not like anyone’s seen Grandma Janey’s book, either.
TIFFANY
She
just had to die before she told me where it was...
LATHAM
Maybe it would be better if you just let it go—
TIFFANY
Latham, Grandma Janey trusted me. She told me something important she’d kept bottled up inside. I can’t just forget it. She’s been an inspiration to me.
LATHAM
But what can you do? Everybody knows there isn’t any material out there on what Grandma Lola was like in high school that was written before Harpies Records was founded. And there isn’t anyone she knew from back then besides Grandpa Trent who’s still alive. Maybe we could just find that book—
TIFFANY
I tried that years ago. Everyone who inherited Grandma Janey’s property denies having gotten the book or even seen it.
(sighs)
Are you thinking we should do next what I’m thinking we should do next?
LATHAM
We go talk to Lily?
TIFFANY
Assuming we can do that...
CUT TO: ELSEWHERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD PARTY.
Sitting on a lawn chair is a man, about 30 years old, who looks like a cross between Coach Gibson and Janet Barch. In his lap and making out with him is a similarly aged Brittanyesque woman.
Latham and Tiffany approach.
TIFFANY
Lily...
The Brittany lookalike waves a hand in a “go away” gesture.
LATHAM
We need to talk to you.
TIFFANY
We think something’s wrong with Grandma Lola.
Lily breaks lip-lock.
LILY
(even sounding Brittanyesque)
It’s normal for people after body-replacement surgery to act like they’re drunk. As long as she doesn’t try to hurt herself, she’ll be fine. And with Grandpa Trent around, I can guarantee she’ll be fine; she’ll be too busy making him happy to do anything stupid. Now go away; I just got off work at the hospital, and Atwater was showing me how glad he is to see me again.
TIFFANY
I’m not talking about how Grandma Lola’s acting. Did you notice anything unusual about her brain during the transplant?
LILY
You know I can’t tell anyone specifics. But she’s fine; don’t worry.
LATHAM
We’re talking about things that shouldn’t be there, like alien implants.
LILY
(“Where
did this question come from?”)
No, there was nothing like that. Just a wonderful, healthy brain. Were you expecting something else?
TIFFANY
Um, not really. Thanks anyway.
Tiffany and Latham walk away, leaving Lily and Atwater looking confused.
PAN TO FOLLOW TIFFANY AND LATHAM.
LATHAM
Like that worked.
TIFFANY
It’s
not like we could expect her to tell us what she saw anyway. Damn
ethics.
LATHAM
Wait a minute. Maybe there’s a way we can get the info from her anyway.
TIFFANY
We
kidnap her and torture her until she talks?
LATHAM
Don’t
they record operations these days so they know exactly what
happened?
INT. A ROOM THAT LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN DARIA’S CANONICAL BEDROOM AND DR. FRANKENSTEIN’S LABORATORY — NIGHT.
A teenage boy who resembles Nick Campbell is sitting on the bed with Esmeralda in his lap.
ESMERALDA
You interrupted me and my fiancé for what?
TIFFANY
We want you to hack into the hospital’s computer system and show us the video of Grandma Lola’s body-replacement surgery.
ESMERALDA
You came to the wrong person. I am not a hacker.
TIFFANY
Come
on; I know you can break into any computer. You’ve been doing
it since we were kids.
ESMERALDA
You can’t prove anything. I don’t have a criminal record.
TIFFANY
Only because you erased it.
ESMERALDA
And it was a beautiful hack, too, only it never happened.
ESMERALDA’S FIANCÉ
In any case, why would you want to see them putting Grandma Lola’s brain into a new body?
LATHAM
We think something may be wrong with her, Max.
MAX (AKA ESMERALDA’S FIANCÉ)
But would you even have a clue what to look for?
ESMERALDA
He’s right. You’re not brain surgeons. You’re illustrators.
TIFFANY
Hey,
even wannabe authors like you ought to be able to recognize an alien
implant!
Max and Esmeralda burst into laughter.
MAX
(better able to stop laughing long enough to speak than his fiancée)
We’re authors of children’s books, and we’re very happy and successful!
(laughs some more)
Esmeralda tries to speak, but can’t say anything comprehensible.
LATHAM
(to Tiffany)
Next time we make up an excuse.
ESMERALDA
(barely able to control herself)
OK,
(snickers)
let’s say I
(snickers)
do this. What’s
(snickers)
in it for me?
TIFFANY
Knowing the only person who can draw Bertie the Aardvark correctly is happy.
ESMERALDA
Try again.
TIFFANY
Well, bribing won’t work. You’ve already got more money than you know what to do with. Hell, thanks to all the jobs created by Harpies Records and the spin-off companies and Lawndale University and all the tourist trade, no one around here with any intelligence needs money.
(beat)
How about doing it for friendship or sisterhood or just torturing me by showing me what a live human brain looks like?
ESMERALDA
OK, that last one will do. Of course, you do realize this will take a few minutes...
FADE TO LATER.
Everyone is where they were before. Esmeralda is tapping on a pocket computer.
ESMERALDA
OK, I’m in. I’ve set the footage to play on that screen—
(points to a big screen suspended between two fake electrodes)
—as soon as Max and I leave the room. Now are you sure you want to see this? Grandma Lola told me she tried to watch Grandpa Trent’s surgery, but she couldn’t stomach it.
Tiffany and Latham exchange a look.
TIFFANY
Yes.
ESMERALDA
(pocketing her palmtop computer)
OK.
Esmeralda and Max get off the bed.
MAX
Isn’t it about time for Poor, Pathetic Planet anyway?
ESMERALDA
Good idea. I like the way you think.
(kisses Max)
Exit Max and Esmeralda.
INT. LIVING ROOM.
Max sits in a chair with Esmeralda in his lap. They’re watching TV.
SUB: LATER...
Enter Tiffany and Latham, both looking very pale.
ESMERALDA
What? You’re done already?
MAX
I
thought those operations took hours.
TIFFANY
They do, but we saw all we could stand.
LATHAM
We don’t want to see or hear about brains again for a long time.
Enter Grace and Max’s genetically identical twin brother, the latter carrying a shopping bag.
GRACE
Hey, guys! You’ll never guess what Bruce and I found at Lackluster Video.
BRUCE (MAX’S TWIN)
They had a bunch of great classic movies: the Star Wars trilogy, the Indiana Jones films, eXistenZ...
GRACE
And
let’s not forget my favorite: Young
Frankenstein.
BRUCE
I
love that film! Especially the scene where Igor goes to the brain
depository—
Tiffany and Latham, looking suddenly sicker, rush out of the room.
BRUCE
What? It’s not that
bad a film!
EXT. A FUTURISTIC-LOOKING HOUSE — MORNING.
INT. A FUTURISTIC-LOOKING KITCHEN.
Tiffany is sitting at a table, eating breakfast. She does not look happy.
Latham enters, and he does net look happy either.
TIFFANY
Hey.
LATHAM
Good
morning.
Tiffany stands up, Latham sits down where she was sitting, and she sits down in his lap.
LATHAM
Feeling
any better?
TIFFANY
Not really. That we didn’t see anything alien-looking in Grandma Lola’s head didn’t help. Not to mention we couldn’t stand it long enough to see the whole surgery. There could be something buried deep in her brain we don’t know anything about.
LATHAM
So now what? We going to just walk up to her and ask, “Grandma Lola, have you ever been abducted by aliens?”
Tiffany looks thoughtful for a moment.
TIFFANY
Yeah. Why not? All we have to do is pick the right time.
Latham raises an eyebrow.
LATHAM
Very early tomorrow morning, when Grandma Lola is sleepwalking?
TIFFANY
You
just read my mind. Though maybe there’s something else we can
try first...
INT. LIBRARY.
Many people are mulling about the shelves, doing research, or sitting around, among them Esmeralda and Max, who happen to be working with a laptop computer. Tiffany and Latham approach.
TIFFANY
Esmeralda—
ESMERALDA
Here we go again...
(sighs)
What do you want this time?
Tiffany and Latham look both ways to make sure no one’s listening too closely.
LATHAM
How about a look at Grandma Janey’s private files which were never made available to the rest of family?
MAX
Ugh! You do not want to go there.
TIFFANY
You mean those files really exist?
ESMERALDA
No, they don’t. And you don’t want to see them anyway.
TIFFANY
Why
not?
ESMERALDA
You haven’t got a clue what’s in there; do you?
LATHAM
Something that tell us about what happened to Grandma Lola?
MAX
Think about what artists are famous for doing.
TIFFANY
We’re
going to need a clue here.
ESMERALDA
Everybody knows that artists used to have a thing for painting naked people and then claiming it’s merely “art”.
MAX
Some still do.
TIFFANY
I feel insulted.
LATHAM
Me, too.
ESMERALDA
It doesn’t really matter. None of Grandma Janey’s secret files have anything relevant to your ridiculous idea of alien brain implants.
MAX
It’s all pictures of Grandma Janey and Grandpa Jesse naked. Apparently she couldn’t convince Grandma Lola to pose naked for her.
TIFFANY AND LATHAM
Ew!
ESMERALDA
We’re glad you’re not into that.
MAX
Though it might be interesting to see you try explaining it to your parents...
LATHAM
Wait a minute: how do we know you’re telling us the truth?
MAX
You
don’t.
ESMERALDA
Considering those files which never existed never were put on the Net and had to be obtained by alleged breaking and entering, you don’t have any way of finding out anyway.
TIFFANY
Would you at least do one thing we know you can do?
ESMERALDA
What’s
that?
TIFFANY
Get us into Grandma Lola’s house in the middle of the night so we can talk to her while she’s sleepwalking.
MAX
It’ll
cost you. How about a two-page, 3D spread for Bertie
Goes to
Quaoar?
LATHAM
You’re sending an aardvark to a big ball of ice?
ESMERALDA
Do you want in the house or not?
INT. THE LANE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.
Daria, humming happily and dancing a little, is folding laundry. Enter Tiffany and Latham. Daria does not seem to notice them.
TIFFANY
Grandma Lola?
Daria does not respond, but continues folding laundry.
TIFFANY
Can
we talk to you?
LATHAM
We want to ask you about why you’re Grandpa Trent’s love-slave.
DARIA
(suddenly looking at them; perky)
Really?
(beat)
No! Don’t tell me!
(looking
directly at Tiffany)
You’ve decided you want to be Latham’s
love-slave!
TIFFANY
That’s not really—
DARIA
That’s
nothing to be ashamed of. He really seems to be a great guy and to
love you deeply.
TIFFANY
Yeah, but—
DARIA
When someone’s so good to you, it’s understandable why would want to give yourself to him so completely.
LATHAM
(forced, pulling Tiffany closer to him)
Yes, she has. And we’re very happy with the decision.
TIFFANY
(irritated)
Yes,
we are. And we think if you told us something about why you became
Grandpa Trent’s love-slave, I might be able to be a better
love-slave for Latham.
DARIA
Oh, you won’t learn that from my history. If you want to make your master happy, it’s largely a matter of technique. Now, I want you two to make love, right here and now, so I can see what you’re doing right and wrong.
TIFFANY AND LATHAM
Excuse me?
DARIA
Well, I can’t tell you, Tiffany, how to be a better love-slave unless I know how good you are now.
LATHAM
(lying badly)
Oh, she’s great in bed.
DARIA
You’ve never slept with her; have you?
LATHAM
Uh—
DARIA
Well, there’s no time like the present. You just take her clothes off—
TIFFANY
Look, Grandma Lola, we’re not here to get that sort of advice. We’re here to find out if you’re Grandpa Trent’s love-slave because aliens put something in your brain.
DARIA
(suddenly monotone)
Excuse me? Who told you that?
LATHAM
You’re
not sleepwalking?
DARIA
I woke up an hour ago when I tripped over the laundry basket. It happens sometimes. With the amount of footage inconsiderate people have shot of me sleepwalking, it’s easy enough for me to fake being asleep so I can find out what people who break into my house are up to. Mostly it’s trying to get money or something else valuable from me or to steal the more modest part of my wardrobe so I have to show off my cleavage to Trent, but this takes the cake. What’s this nonsense about there being alien technology in my brain?
TIFFANY
Grandma Janey told me on her deathbed that you two visited Pizza Forest soon after you graduated high school, and you discovered aliens inside the animal suits. Then your crush on Grandpa Trent came back, and when you went on the run from the Mafia, you came back his love-slave.
DARIA
(“Yeah, right”)
Uh-huh.
TIFFANY
She also mentioned she wrote a book proving you were a total misery chick when you were in high school.
DARIA
Well, at least that part isn’t a lie or a half-truth.
Daria walks over to an end-table, places a thumb on a print-recognition pad, and opens a drawer. She takes a book out of the drawer and closes the drawer.
DARIA
(handing the book to Tiffany)
Here. Have a copy. Don’t bother trying to put it on-line; there are people who think it’s sacrilege to shatter the myth that I’m an ex-cheerleader and will be eager to delete it.
(beat)
As
for the alien thing, Janey made that up. She had a lot of fun
fabricating stories about my past, and she was determined to go out
with a bang. I was a misery chick when I was in high school, but
aliens had nothing to do with how I ended up so close to Trent. I
adopted a bimbo/love-slave persona in public when we went on the run
from the Mob so I wouldn’t get killed. When we got back to
Lawndale, everybody pressured me to keep on playing the part because
they thought it would help sell records, and I wasn’t given
much choice about showing myself off and letting Trent doing anything
he wanted to me, whenever he wanted it. It took 16 years before I
was able throw off the bimbo appearance completely. If
there’s
anyone who had alien probes in their brains, it had to be everybody
else in Lawndale; I still can’t believe how eager they were
to
force me into being—
(notices Tiffany and Latham staring)
What are you two staring at?
Daria turns around to see a gray alien standing behind her. Tiffany and Latham scream and run out of the room. Daria is unmoved.
ALIEN
(picking up Daria)
Greetings, human. I’m here to abduct you for devious experiments.
(laughs/coughs)
Daria grabs the alien’s face and pulls it off, revealing Trent underneath.
DARIA
You’d think by now people would collectively realize that Janey made up all those impossible tales about how we ended up in such a close relationship.
TRENT
Hey,
you know her: Everything was art. She just wanted to go out with a
bang, so she turned her deathbed chats with family into her last
masterpiece.
DARIA
Yeah, but 12 years later, we’re still dealing with it. We still don’t know how many crazy stories she told all the gullible people in the family, and each story is stranger than the last.
TRENT
Hey, this one was better than the one where you were an impostor who had fulfilled her mission of breaking into the music industry.
DARIA
True. But I wish Janey had given us fair warning before telling Guy Olivero that I was really a robot replacement for the original Daria Morgendorffer. I could have really done without him trying to grope me to find access panels.
TRENT
So, you ready for the abduction and devious experiments yet?
DARIA
You’re having way too much fun with Janey’s last masterpiece.
TRENT
Hey, you’re the one who tells people to do crazy things when you’re pretending to be sleepwalking. You know, they might have actually tried doing it in front of you.
DARIA
Hey, I know all our descendants well enough to know what they will and won’t do. With a memory like mine, it’s not too hard.
TRENT
Yeah, but what was it you told Wickley and Perian to do?
DARIA
Touché.
(beat)
Fine, let’s get on with the abduction. But take off the silly costume first.
TRENT
Sure thing, Daria.
Exit Trent, carrying Daria.
