in
“New Nightmare”
(or “Hitman, Baby, One More Time”)
Completely on-canon edition
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman

ANNOUNCER
(out of view)
He’s a nearly broke rock musician.  She’s a high-school brain who had a crush on him but could never tell him she loved him.  What drove them to run off to Las Vegas together to get married?  On the next Sick, Sad World.

JAKE
I knew it!  That no-good, lazy bum was trying to get into Daria’s pants from the first time I saw him!  What the Hell is she thinking, ruining her future like this?

HELEN
Jake, settle down!
(calmer, to camera)
Please, Daria, we’ll try to understand.  Don’t abandon everyone who loves you needlessly.  If you really love Trent, we can accept him as a son-in-law.  All we want is for you to come home.

QUINN
This doesn’t make any sense!  I’m the cute and popular one!  She’s just a brain!  Why don’t any hot musicians want to run away to Las Vegas with me?

QUINN
(offended)
What?

JANE
It doesn’t make any sense.  Daria’s had a crush on Trent for some time now, and I know Trent likes Daria, but this isn’t anything like either of them.  I couldn’t get the two of them to go out on a date, much less run off to elope.  Daria never does anything impulsive.

MONIQUE
I’m going to kill that redhead, pseudointellectual bimbo, Daria!  She stole my fiancé!  The rumors about her trying to get her grimy paws on Trent really were true!

DARIA
(voice over)
OK, it sounds bad.  It sounds very bad.  But it’s not what you think.  It’s something worse, much worse.

DARIA
(voice over)
If you’re wondering, that’s me and Trent, and yes, I’m carrying his baby.  And that’s still not the worst of it.

DARIA
(voice over)
It all started on my nineteenth birthday ¹ , which was during the summer between high school and when I should have started college.  My family was preparing to throw me yet another horribly boring birthday party of the kind that makes pulling teeth seem preferable, the kind of nauseating affair with cheery streamers and confetti that my parents had thrown every year of my life—sometimes even on time—out of guilt for neglecting me or in a foolish attempt to bond with me.  I didn’t want to go over to Jane’s either, fearing that she would force me down into the basement and make me tell Trent how I felt about him—or something even worse.  I no longer had the excuse that I had a boyfriend, my relationship with Tom being over, and, as Jane suspected, my crush on Trent was reemerging—despite the fact that I expected any romantic relationship I might have with him to be an unqualified disaster.  Needing some escape, I took the opportunity to take care of a much needed chore…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
(blushing)
Hey, Trent.

TRENT
What brings you to this part of town?

DARIA
(mumbles)
Clothes shopping.  I was afraid if I stayed home my parents would throw me a party, and I needed some new clothes anyway. ²

TRENT
Oh, yeah.  It’s your birthday.  Happy birthday.

DARIA
Thanks.

TRENT
Tell you what:  I’m going to get some new strings for my guitar, and there’s a retro clothing store nearby.  How about I buy you something you’ll look good in there?

DARIA
You really don’t have to do that.

TRENT
You’re like part of the family now.  It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t get you something.  I was also thinking about getting you a tattoo.

DARIA
I’m starting to like this clothing idea.
(gets in Trent’s car)
Let’s go.

TRENT
Any idea where you want to go next?

DARIA
I was thinking—

VOICE
(out of view)
Please!  Don’t hurt me!

DARIA
(stopping)
Stewart?

TODD
So you thought you could escape me?

STEWART
Um, er…

TODD
When are you going to learn that no one gets out of my gang alive?  You ought to have known better than to have gone to the cops for protection; Alfred here’s on the payroll.  Now die.

TODD
You three know what to do with the body.

BEAVIS
Fire!  Fire!

TODD
Damn it!  It’s that Morgendorffer girl!

TODD
Damn it!

TODD
Damn it again!

TRENT
Who the Hell was that?

DARIA
Todd Ianuzzi.⁵   He was a small-time thug back in Highland.

TRENT
He must have moved up the thug scale a notch or two.
(beat)
Aw, Hell.  He’s following us.

RENT-A-COP IN GUARD-BOOTH
Hey!  You can’t do that!

RENT-A-COP
Aw, Hell!

DARIA
Uh, Trent, what are you doing?

TRENT
Something Curtis Delano told me about a few years back.

DARIA
Trent, how did you know where to drive without sinking?

TRENT
Actually, I didn’t.  I just didn’t have a better idea what to do.

DARIA
Oh.  Remind me to yell at you later.
(beat)
Trent, where are we going?

TRENT
Um, I’m not sure yet.  I don’t think it’ll be to the police.

DARIA
Agreed.  Not when Todd has a cop working for him.
(swallows)
Why don’t you just let me off on the side of the road.  Todd only seemed to notice me overhearing him.  If so, he doesn’t know you were there, so he won’t go after you.

TRENT
Hell, no.  I’ve known you for, what, three years?  I care too much about you to leave you to die.  If this Todd character wants to kill you, he’s going to have to kill me first.

DARIA
That’s nice of you, but—

TRENT
And I’m not taking “no” for an answer.

DARIA
(uneasily)
OK.

TRENT
Now, the first thing we need to do is buy a shotgun, find out where this Todd guy lives, and—

DARIA
Trent, have you ever fired a gun before?

TRENT
Um, no.

DARIA
That automatically makes Todd a better marksman than you.  Not to mention that he has people working for him, no doubt trained in the use of firearms.  If you try killing Todd in Highland, you’ll probably get killed yourself, and I don’t want to see that happen.
(with difficulty)
I care about you, too, Trent.

VOICE
Daria?  Is that you?

TRENT
(softly)
Damn.

DARIA
Aunt Rita?

RITA
Daria!  It’s good to see you again!

DARIA
(insincere)
It’s good to see you, too.

DARIA
Oh, this is Trent Lane.

TRENT
Hey.

RITA
Hello.

DARIA
What are you doing here?  I thought you were in France.

RITA
That was a waste of time, so I came back to the States early.  I’m just passing through here on the way to Highland for a conference. ⁸   But what are you doing here?  I thought today was your birthday and you’d want to be home with your parents and sister in Lawndale.

DARIA
It is my birthday, but we happen to be on the run from the Mafia, so we’ll be missing the party.

RITA
I know you’ve got Amy’s bad attitude, but what are you really doing here?

DARIA
We are on the run from the Mafia.

RITA
I don’t see why you can’t tell me the truth.  Even Amy isn’t this bad.

TRENT
We’re running off to Vegas to get married.

RITA
My Lord!

DARIA
(deciding to play along to see how gullible Rita is)
You heard him.  Trent and I are madly in love, and we’re going to Las Vegas to get married.

RITA
Shouldn’t you wait until after college?  I mean:  I married early, but even I waited until after—

DARIA
You didn’t wait until after college, Aunt Rita, and why should I?  I’ve spent my whole life waiting, being “the good daughter”, working hard in school, being quiet, and avoiding trouble.  And for what?  Parents who don’t notice me unless I misbehave?  Constant depression while Quinn “the bad daughter” gets all the attention and has all the fun?  Why shouldn’t I get to do things like this?

RITA
Daria!

TRENT
Do you have a problem with us being together?

RITA
No, but… this is so sudden.  I didn’t even know you were dating.  I know Helen and Jake can be dense, but is running away really going to help?

DARIA
I’m tired of putting up with my parents!  It’s time I did something to make myself happy!  Screw Helen!  Screw Jake!  Screw that monster Quinn!  And if you have a problem with what we’re doing, screw you, too!  There’s nothing you or they can do about it!

RITA
(to herself)
Good one, Barksdale.

TRENT
Wow.  That was some great acting you did in there.  I wasn’t expecting you to play along like that.

DARIA
Trent, I have to tell you something:  I wasn’t totally acting in there.

TRENT
You mean you really are depressed?  Whoa.  I just thought you were cynical.

DARIA
No, I am cynical.  It’s just that
(swallows)
I love you.

TRENT
I love you, too, Daria.  You’re like part of the family.

DARIA
I mean romantically.

TRENT
(stunned)
Oh.

DARIA
Trent?

TRENT
Sorry.  I wasn’t expecting that.

JANE
You know, Monique, you really don’t have to be here.  You barely know Daria.

MONIQUE
I’d rather be on the safe side.  I’ve heard some things about her.

JANE
What sort of things?

MONIQUE
About her and Trent.  Strange things about her dating him behind my back—or something more serious,
(gestures)
like what Upchuck and Eunice have been doing.

JANE
Kissing?

MONIQUE
It’s a lot more serious than that.  Trust me:  you do not want to know what I walked in on yesterday.
(shudders)

JANE
You’re being paranoid.  Daria’s not going to go after Trent as long as you’re in the picture.  Though they would make a cute couple…

MONIQUE
Hmph!

QUINN
(into phone)
Hello?

RITA
(into phone)
Quinn, it’s me, your aunt Rita.

QUINN
(into phone)
Oh, hi, Aunt Rita.  I know you want to talk to Daria, but she’s not here now.  You could try back in—

RITA
(into phone)
I just talked to her, Quinn.  She’s running off with someone called Trent Lane to Las Vegas to get married.

QUINN
(into phone)
That’s not funny.  Daria doesn’t act like that.

RITA
(into phone)
I’m serious, Quinn.  She complained about your mother, your father, and you, and she said she was madly in love with this Lane guy and that they were going to Las Vegas to get married.  I mean:  she actually kissed this grungy guy in front of me and yelled, “Screw Helen!  Screw Jake!  Screw that monster Quinn!”  I didn’t know she could be so emotional.

QUINN
(into phone)
What would Daria be doing in Leeville?  You know she doesn’t like you.  Why would she bother visiting?

RITA
(into phone)
I’m not in Leeville.  I’m in a small town called Micro about 250 miles west of Lawndale.  We met at a pizza place.

QUINN
(into phone)
So my brainy sister ran away with this rock musician who’s in love with her?

RITA
(into phone)
I didn’t catch what he does for a living.

QUINN
(into phone)
Excuse me a moment.

DARIA
I’m sorry, Trent, if it makes you uncomfortable.
(closes door)
If we’re going to be together for who-knows-how-long, you were going to find out sooner or later.

DARIA
(sitting down in another chair)
Look, I have trouble expressing positive emotions.  I had trouble doing it with Jane, too.  I could barely tell my own family I loved them.

TRENT
It’s not that.

DARIA
Then what is it?

TRENT
This is all too weird.  I’ve liked you for a long time now, but the idea of something like dating you never seriously occurred to me.  Oh, sure, Janey kept telling me to take you out somewhere all the time, but I thought it was a running joke.  She kept telling me to date this friend of hers who moved away before you came to Lawndale, and she didn’t even like me. ⁹   And now I find out it’s not a joke at all… And if that’s not enough of an adjustment to make, you’re probably the only one I’ll be able to socialize with anytime soon.  I don’t think any less of you, but this will take some time to get used to.

DARIA
OK…

TRENT
Come on, Daria.  Give me a break.  I’m never up this early unless I’ve been awake all night.

DARIA
Tough.  You didn’t want to abandon me, so you’d better get used to doing whatever it takes to survive on the run, and that means we don’t lounge around in bed until noon, because the more we move around, the harder it is for Todd to catch us.  I’m sorry, but for the forseeable future, we’re going to be on the road every day by nine AM.

TRENT
(sighs)
Fine.  Any idea where to go from here?

DARIA
Well, I always wanted to see….¹⁰
(freezes in her tracks)

TRENT
What?

DARIA
(points)
Over there.

DARIA
(out of view)
Angelina Hunter and Tatum Alexander.  They’re from Highland. ¹¹

TRENT
(out of view)
And judging from their behavior, they could be looking for you.  I say we leave now before we find out.

DARIA
(out of view)
Agreed.

DARIA
There just went the hope that Todd wouldn’t send anyone after me.

TRENT
It could still be a coincidence.

DARIA
It would have to be a pretty big coincidence.  Todd must have somehow gotten some idea of where we were from Rita.

TRENT
You think she called your folks?

DARIA
Probably.  I wouldn’t put a wiretap past the “new, improved” Todd.

LOUIS
I just can’t take it, sir.  No one can.  I started on wiretapping the Morgendorffers yesterday, and it’s already driving me crazy.  First there’s the younger sister, Quinn—she talks on and on endlessly about fashion for hours—and now the mother can’t shut up about law cases.  Frankly, I’m already worn out, and my assistant’s ready to mutiny.

TODD
Damn.  OK, get Beavis and Butt-Head to help you out.  They’ll listen to anything.

LOUIS
Thank you, sir.

TRENT
So they know we’re around here, and they probably know what you look like.

DARIA
Correct.  So let’s just get the Hell away from here.

TRENT
That won’t solve the second problem.

DARIA
I know.  But I don’t want to think about it right now.  I hate makeovers.  Talk to me about it in one or two hundred miles, OK?

TRENT
Well, if you want any suggestions, you would look hot with a navel ring—

DARIA
Please don’t go there.

TRENT
Why?

DARIA
(mumbles)
I might not be able to resist.

SANDI
Quinn, where’s your sister?  I hear she didn’t show up for her own birthday party yesterday.

QUINN
She’s, uh, been feeling sick.  She thinks she’s got something contagious.

SANDI
That’s not what Stacy told me.

QUINN
(softly)
Damn blabber-mouth.

SANDI
She said Daria ran off with a rock guitarist.  Is this true?

QUINN
(looks Sandi straight in the eye)
Yes.  She ran off with Jane Lane’s older brother Trent to Las Vegas to get married.

SANDI
I sympathize with you totally.  This is a really sad day for the former members of the Fashion Club.   Do you know what sort of awkward position this puts us in?  We are having an emergency meeting this afternoon for damage control.  You’re supposed to be much cuter and more popular than your sister.   We really feel your pain, and we’re determined to put a positive spin on this somehow to preserve your honor.   Do you know how bad it looks when a musician falls in love with your geeky sister and not you? ¹³

QUINN
Hey!  I turned him down!  Yeah, he was sort of cute, but he was too messy to go out with.  How was I to know they were going to fall in love and elope?  Or maybe, unable to obtain the pinnacle of perfection, he settled for second best.

SANDI
Daria is not second best.  We all have to learn to live with the shortcomings of our relatives.   There’s no crime in having a sister who is the plainest person in Lawndale.

QUINN
She’s not plain.  She’s just… not showy.  She could look as good as I do if she wanted to.

SANDI
Daria looking good?  Don’t fall into the trap of denial, Quinn.  That’ll never happen.

TRENT
Daria?

DARIA
(out of view)
I think I’ll just stay in here until Todd dies.

TRENT
You can’t stay in there that long.  You’ll starve.

DARIA
(out of view)
Then get me some strychnine.  I’d rather die than go outside looking like this.  I can’t see why anyone dresses in clothes like these.  I feel naked.

TRENT
Really?  Uh, it can’t be that bad.

DARIA
(out of view)
You’d better have some of that beer left over from that six-pack, because I’m going to need it to keep from locking myself in here forever.

TRENT
I didn’t know you drank.

DARIA
(out of view)
I took one look at myself in the mirror and decided to start.
(beat)
OK, here I come.
(beat)
I can’t do this!  I’m showing too much leg, and there’s no question as to what I’m shaped like.  I feel cheap.

TRENT
You have to come out, Daria.

DARIA
Promise me you won’t laugh.

TRENT
It can’t be that bad.

DARIA
(out of view)
Promise me!

TRENT
I promise.

DARIA
(out of view)
OK, here I come.

TRENT
Whoa.  You look…
(can’t find the proper word)

DARIA
Like a bimbo?

TRENT
Hey, you’re beautiful, stunning actually.  You ought to turn a lot of heads.

DARIA
Do you think I don’t know I’m beautiful?  I’ve been trying to hide the fact so morons don’t drool over me.
(turns to exit the room)
Since my life is over, I think I’ll just hide in the bathroom.

TRENT
(grabbing Daria’s arm)
Forget it.  You chose the outfit.

DARIA
(unconvincingly)
They didn’t have anything else which fit me and went together at the thrift store.

TRENT
Well, unless you want to risk looking as you normally do in public again, you’re dressing like that.

DARIA
Lucky me.  Just call me the misery ditz.  And my original hair color fits the profile just perfectly.  Now give me that beer.

TRENT
Wait a minute:  I thought your hair was supposed to be red.

DARIA
It’s not.  I’ve been dyeing it since, well, it seems forever, since people usually associate being blond with being stupid.  I even doctored old pictures—even videotapes—of me so no one would know.  The only reason my parents went along with it is because they considered it “a positive step in opening up in front of other people”, whatever the Hell that’s supposed to mean.  I want that beer now.

TRENT
Just a minute.
(fishes in his pocket and pulls out a wedding ring)
You’re also going to want to put this on so guys don’t hit on you.
(hands ring to Daria)

DARIA
(examining ring)
You must have spent a lot of money to afford one with rhinestones.  I feel so unworthy.

TRENT
You didn’t complain about me signing us in the register as “Mr. and Mrs. Trent Lane”.

DARIA
(puts on ring)
Shut up and give me that beer.

DARIA
Ugh!  How can you drink this stuff?  This is worse than my father’s cooking…

TRENT
Come on, try it again.  If we meet Tatum and Angelina face-to-face, you don’t want to talk to them in a monotone.

DARIA
(way too nasal)
Hi!  My name is Lola, and I’m a cheerleader!

TRENT
No, no, no!  Stop speaking through your nose.

DARIA
(better)
I don’t really think that’s something you can teach.

TRENT
Better, but you don’t sound like any bimbo I’ve met.

DARIA
(adding a slight wail)
Is Cashman’s really having a one-day sale?

TRENT
Much better.

DARIA
(adding squeaking)
You know, I could never talk like this before.  Brittany tried to teach me how to talk like this so I could read to seniors at a nursing home without them wanting to kill themselves, but it didn’t work.

TRENT
(takes a drink)
I can’t imagine a cheerleader knowing much about sound.

DARIA
(puts her arms around Trent’s neck)
I bet you know about a lot of other things besides sound.

TRENT
Daria…

DARIA
When I kissed you yesterday, you seemed to know what you were doing.

TRENT
I know we’re a bit drunk, but—

TRENT
Wow.

DARIA
I’m not drunk, Trent.  I had one sip and spat it back out. ¹⁴

TRENT
But still—

DARIA
Right now I’m doing six things severely out of character for me.  I had to break a lot of inhibitions to do this, which doesn’t exactly make me feel good about myself, so if I’m going to be in Hell, I might as well top it all off with doing something else severely out of character for me that I’ve been wanting to do since Alternapalooza.  This is our wedding night, after all.

TRENT
Huh?

TRENT
Daria, that’s just so stupid jerks leave you alone.  And I could get you pregnant!

DARIA
Trent, I had my period two days ago.  You’re not going to get me pregnant.  And even if you do get me pregnant, we’ll probably be dead in a few days anyway, so what does it matter?  We might as well enjoy ourselves while we still can.  I know I want you, and Jane’s told me a lot that you have a thing for brainy, sarcastic women.

DARIA
(her eyes still closed, moans with pleasure)
Ooh, Trent.  That was…

DARIA
Oh, God, I did do it.  My dream really did come true.

HELEN
(into phone)
I don’t care what he said!  I submitted that affidavit!

ERIC
Helen!  What’s this I hear about you taking a vacation now?

HELEN
(into phone)
Hold on a minute.
(to Eric)
I explained it in the memo.

ERIC
But it’s so soon!  How are we going to handle all the work?  We’re already working near full capacity.

HELEN
I tried calling every wedding chapel I could in Las Vegas, and all that happened was I got laughed at.  My husband and I are taking a flight out there this evening, and if you have a problem with it, I’m quitting this law firm and taking a sizeable fraction of the staff and clientele with me.  Believe me:  I have that much power.  Is that clear?

TRENT
Daria…

DARIA
(monotone)
Save your breath.  I don’t blame you.  I’m just a boyfriend-stealing tramp.
(beat)
You and Monique are “on”; aren’t you?

TRENT
We got engaged a few days ago—

DARIA
So I’m a fiancé-stealing tramp.

TRENT
It doesn’t matter.  It wasn’t your fault.  If I hadn’t gotten drunk…
(beat)
You put the idea of
(beat)
us being together into my head.  I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  If I hadn’t gotten drunk, I wouldn’t have acted that way.

DARIA
It’s not you.  It’s me.  Every decision I’ve made since I overheard Todd has been the proper, rational decision, and I’m ending up miserable—and there’s no end in sight.  It’s only our third day on the run, and look at me.  I look like a dumb bimbo; I can’t wear my glasses in public, so I’m going to have to literally hold onto you because I can’t see much more than a blur without them; I have to imitate an air-head in front of other people; and I’m in constant fear of being discovered by the Mob.  Sure, life in Lawndale was bad, but I was supposed to have gone off to college soon; I had hope for a better situation.  I had friends.  I had family.  But now—God!  I want to kill myself.

TRENT
Daria, not everything’s going wrong.  I’m still with you, even this early in the morning.

TRENT
You still have one person who cares for you and, more importantly, isn’t going to let you out of his sight until we’ve resolved this Todd thing.

DARIA
(mumbles)
That’s really nice of you, Trent.

TRENT
You going to be OK?

TRENT
Good.  Now let’s see about getting you some contacts.

DARIA
Forget it.  I tried wearing them several times after I first got them, and I couldn’t keep the damn things in.  The opthamologist couldn’t do anything to help me.  I’d rather be blind than try wearing those horrible things again.  The best we can do is prescription sunglasses.

TRENT
Then that’s what we’ll do.

TODD
(into phone)
What?

ANGELINA
(into phone)
The good news is that we tracked Morgendorffer and Lane to a hotel in a small town called Lebanon.  The bad news is that they weren’t there and are probably in disguise now.

TODD
(into phone)
And you know this because…

ANGELINA
(into phone; holds up a familiar green jacket)
They left their clothes behind.  And the guy at the desk says they slipped out without paying for the room, so we have no idea what they look like now.

TODD
(into phone)
Disappointing, but not surprising.  Morgendorffer’s no dummy.
(sighs)
I got word from Hank Anderson at Sick, Sad World.   He told me that they’re going to be filming a segment on Morgendorffer and Lane this afternoon and that they’re very interested in continuing coverage of the story.  Follow the show.  It may be flaky, but they might find something useful.

ANGELINA
(into phone)
Right, boss.

TODD
(into phone)
In the mean time, I want you and Tatum to get down to Vegas ASAP.  Morgendorffer’s aunt claimed that she met Morgendorffer and Lane in Micro, and they claimed they were heading there to get married. ¹⁵

ANGELINA
(into phone)
If they’re in Vegas, we’ll find them.

CLERK
We should have these ready for you in around an hour, Mrs. Lane.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque voice)
Thanks.
(approaches Trent and latches on to him, guiding him towards the exit)
Come on, Trenty.  I know something fun we can do to pass the time.

TRENT
(quietly)
Are you throwing yourself into the part, or are you trying to enjoy yourself?

DARIA
(quietly, deadpan)
I hate you, Trent.

DARIA
(quietly, normally)
I’m getting worried about buying stuff with your credit card.

TRENT
(quietly)
Why?

DARIA
You have to use your real name to use it, we will run up against your credit limit eventually, your parents are probably not reliable about paying bills, and Todd might get it into his head to track us by credit card purchases.

TRENT
Bummer.

DARIA
“Bummer” is right.  I want to get to a clothing store as soon as I can so I can get something less embarrassing to wear, but there’s no point if we can’t pay for anything.

DARIA
What?

TRENT
I just got an idea.
(points to a music store)

DARIA
Won’t that be suspicious?

TRENT
Not if we do it right.

DARIA
You’d better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking…

TRENT
(to an unseen salesperson)
We’ll take this synthesizer, too.¹⁶

DARIA
(monotone)
Forget it.  Having to play an instrument ought to be enough, especially when I was just winging it back in the store.  If those things weren’t so rationally designed, I would have never been able to do that.

TRENT
Come on.  Between the two of us, we need a complete act.  It’ll be better if we both sing.

DARIA
No!  I do not sing, just like I do not dance or strip for strange men.

TRENT
Like you don’t squeak either.

TRENT
You could always do cheers.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Rah rah rah.  Sis boom bah.  Die, Trent.
(beat)
Alright, I’ll sing.  It’ll take more time for me to feel embarrassed enough to kill myself.
(horribly)
Row, row, row your boat…

TRENT
(sighs)
This is going to be a long ride…

JANE
Great.  You’ve broken into my house again.

QUINN
I’m sorry, Janey.  I needed somewhere to think, and it helps to get away from my parents and friends.

JANE
Uh-huh.  You still wondering why cute musicians don’t want to run off to Las Vegas with you?

QUINN
I’m just wondering why Daria ran off with Trent.

JANE
(sighs)
That’s what you get when you repress your feelings:  they come rushing out all at once.  In order to avoid this problem, I just say what I feel .  For example:  get off my bed, Quinn.

QUINN
But it’s not like her.  If she wanted to get married, why bother going to Vegas?  She could have just gone to a justice of the peace.

JANE
Maybe she wanted the whole Vegas wedding experience.  The idea of being married by an Elvis impersonator probably appealed to her twisted sense of humor.  Or maybe it was Trent’s idea.  This isn’t the first time she’s gone along with some stupid idea of his.

QUINN
Yeah, but… it just feels wrong.
(sits up)
Can I use your phone?

JANE
(hands phone to Quinn)
Sure.

RITA
(answering phone)
Hello?

QUINN
(into phone)
It’s me, Quinn.

RITA
(into phone)
Ah, my favorite niece.  Are you feeling better since our last conversation?  You seemed a bit
(beat)
unnerved.

QUINN
(into phone)
I’m fine now.  What exactly did Daria and Trent tell you they were doing when you met them?

JANE
Hey!  That’s a long-distance call!

RITA
(into phone)
Well, I think I already told you about them running off to get married in Las Vegas…

QUINN
(into phone)
Everything.  From the top.

RITA
(into phone)
Well, I saw them, and then I greeted them, and then I asked them what they were doing there.  Daria made some silly joke, and when I insisted that she tell me the truth, Trent told me they were going to Las Vegas to get married.  So—

QUINN
(into phone)
Wait a moment.  What was the joke?

RITA
(into phone)
I’m not sure.  I think she said they were running from someone.

QUINN
(into phone)
The police?  The media?  Trent’s parents?  Organized crime?  Angry fans?

JANE
Blood-sucking aliens from the planet Zippotron!

RITA
(into phone)
I don’t know.  I can’t remember.

DARIA
Let’s just give this whole idea up.  It’s never going to work.

TRENT
Do you have a better idea?  It’s about the only thing you could do indoors without glasses, except maybe play the part of a groupie, and for that you’d definitely need to keep dressing like that.

DARIA
It’s still hopeless.  I’ll play this damned surfboard; all I have to do is rely on my innate sense of pitch and play by ear.  But you can forget me singing.  There’s no way I’m going to get my throat to produce anything decent.

TRENT
You know:  you’d look really hot singing.

DARIA
No.

TRENT
I find singing women really attractive.

DARIA
I am not going to let you turn me into one of your fantasies.

TRENT
It’s what attracted me to Monique in the first place.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!
(improved from the last time, accompanying herself on the keyboard)
Row, row, row your boat…

JANE
Quinn, have I told you yet that I’m glad you’ve decided to haunt Casa Lane?  With the house empty and almost everyone else I consider more or less a friend gone, it’s nice to have some company.  I’m gonna miss having you around all the time when I go off to college in January.

QUINN
Life sucks.

JANE
You’ve been saying that since your sister ran away with my brother.  Since you insist on being in my presence, you’d better be willing to give me something better than that—or at least pose.  Can you look like you’re being attacked by wolves?

QUINN
Everyone’s talking about how my life sucks since that episode of Sick, Sad World aired yesterday.  Sandi’s turned into a pop-psychology freak.  Just because a musician ran off with my sister, she thinks I must be covering up having my ego crushed because he didn’t run away with me.

JANE
Well, you did complain about that.  But don’t worry about Sandi; she’s not so hot.  She was the queen of the geeks before high school.  And not queen of the cool, interesting geeks; she was the bad kind of geek. ¹⁷

QUINN
I got a call from my mom earlier.  She and Dad haven’t found a trace of Daria and Trent in Las Vegas.

JANE
They’ve only been there a week.

QUINN
They visited every single chapel there and still came up empty.  I think Mom wants to throw herself back into lawyer mode and lose herself there.  They’re coming back tomorrow.

BUTT-HEAD
Hey, Beavis?

BEAVIS
What?

BUTT-HEAD
Daria’s mom’s talking to this lawyer dude, and she just said “briefs”.

BEAVIS
Briefs!  Briefs!

QUINN
I’ve been thinking—

JANE
No more makeup tips, please.  I’m happy with my lipstick.

QUINN
About Daria and Trent.  We’ve heard nothing from them, but I think we can do something to find them.

JANE
Oh?

QUINN
Everybody around here has family and friends all over the country.

JANE
And?

QUINN
Maybe we can send them pictures of Daria and Trent, and if one of them sees them, they can tell us.

JANE
(looks at Quinn)
Do you know that deep down you’re really a brain?

QUINN
I’m going to kill you, Jane.

JANE
That’s the spirit!

JANE
(stepping up to a microphone)
Can I have your attention, please?  Hello, people?

QUINN
Quiet!

JANE
You’ve been all called here today to enlist your help.  Three and a half weeks ago, Daria Morgendorffer ran off with my brother, Trent Lane, for reasons unknown.

NICK
Jane, it was obvious they were lying about not being a couple from the way they looked at each other.  They probably eloped.

TIFFANY
But I thought Daria was in love with Jane.

KEVIN
I heard Daria was sleeping with Jane and Trent!

SANDI
Now, what I heard was that Daria was sleeping with Upchuck—

STACY
(shudders)
Ew!

MAX
You’re all wrong!  Daria was clearly insanely in love with Trent, but he was only interested in getting into her pants.  She was willing to do anything for him, and, being the slime-ball we all know he really was, he ran off with her so her parents couldn’t kill him.  Tell him, Jesse!

JESSE
What?

MONIQUE
You idiots!  The red-haired bimbo seduced Trent, not the other way around!  I could tell she was after him from the time she got her navel pierced!

CHRISTMAS (FROM “DEPTH TAKES A HOLIDAY”) LOOK-ALIKE
Red-haired bimbo?  Are you telling us Daria wasn’t really the brain we all thought she was?

JANE
Enough!¹⁹

JANE
We do not know why Daria and Trent ran off, only that they did so.  They were sighted by Quinn’s aunt Rita in a small town called Micro about 250 miles west of here on Monday, August 13th at about seven PM at Catherine’s World Famous Pizza.  Daria and Trent initially claimed that they were running away from someone, but after Rita said she didn’t believe it, they claimed they were running off to Las Vegas to get married.  Soon afterwards, Daria’s parents travelled to Las Vegas in the hopes of preventing the alleged wedding; they found no evidence of the “happy couple” anywhere.

SANDI
Is there some point to all this?

QUINN
We’re worried that Daria and Trent might have not been joking when they said someone was out to get them, so we came up with a plan to help them out.  The first thing we have to do is find them.  A lot of us have family and friends in lots of different parts of the country.  What we want is for all of you to send copies of this
(holds up a picture of Daria and Trent)
to them, telling them to keep a look out for Daria and Trent and to tell us if they spot them.  We’ve scanned a copy of this picture into my computer so we can send it to anyone by E-mail.  If someone does spot Daria and Trent, we plan to send someone to them to find out what’s going on.  Jane’s mom and my aunt Amy have already volunteered to do this.  If we find out that Daria and Trent really are in trouble—

MAX
Of course they’re in trouble!  Daria’s parents are going to kill Trent when they find out how he’s been treating her!

MAX
Ow!  That really hurt!

MONIQUE
If anyone’s going to get killed, it’s going to be Daria when I wrap my hands around her scrawny neck!

QUINN
Stop it!
(beat; calmer)
If we find out Daria and Trent really are in trouble, Jane’s sister has some contacts who can smuggle them out of the country to somewhere safe.

SANDI
That’s a very nice plan, Jane and Quinn, but why do you think we’re willing to help you?

NEVER-NAMED STUDENT #1
Maybe they think there’s a heart somewhere under all that makeup.

NEVER-NAMED STUDENT #2
Big mistake.

ELSIE
If I may, I would like to say something on that matter.  In the interest of finding my younger brother’s ex-girlfriend Daria, I’m offering a reward of five hundred dollars.

ELSIE
When Janey and Quinn came to me with their plan for finding Daria and Trent, I was so moved that I had to help them.  For Daria was a truly wonderful person, filled with such love for—

FEMALE VOICE
Hey!

QUINN
(interposing herself between Elsie and Samantha)
Please, don’t fight!  How can you think of hurting each other over honor at a time like this?  I'm really, really worried about Daria.  For all I know, some crazed psycho killer is trying to slash her up with a big knife!  Can’t you all agree to help us in this one little thing, please?
(starts sobbing)
I just want my sister back.

DARIA
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty, and witty, and bright,
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight.
I feel charming.
I feel charming.
I feel charming, so charming I feel
It’s alarming
That I—

TRENT
Daria!
(runs after her)

TRENT
Are you alright?

DARIA
(quietly)
I don’t feel pretty anymore.²¹
(beat)
We are stopping by a drugstore as soon as possible.

TRENT
(quietly)
Oh.

WIND
You fool!  You made the same mistake I made!

TRENT
What?

WIND
Once you get a girl pregnant, they start coming after you.

TRENT
Who?

WIND
Horrible, prehistoric beasts which ruled the Earth for billions of years, keeping the mammals at bay until the last ice age.  They’re called
(dramatic pause)
the nectarines.

TRENT
Do you really expect me to believe that?

DARIA
(out of view)
Damn!  Damn!  Damn!

TRENT
Huh?

DARIA
I’m pregnant, Trent.²³

TRENT
Oh.

DARIA
Is that all you can say:  “Oh”?  Our lives just got a lot more difficult.

TRENT
How?  We’re still on the run from the Mob.

DARIA
Nine months minus, I’d say, about six weeks from now, we’re going to have a baby to take care of, and if you don’t know it already, a baby is a lot more fragile and needs a lot more care than an adult.  Just how do you expect to run all over the country with an infant?

TRENT
I hadn’t thought that far in advance.

DARIA
And before then I’m going to have trouble moving around and won’t be able to get very far from a bathroom.

TRENT
Uh-oh…

DARIA
We have a time limit, Trent.  We have a matter of months before we can’t travel, and if we can’t travel, our chances of having Todd find us go up.  It’s only a matter of time before we become sitting ducks.

TRENT
You could always get an abortion.

DARIA
Yeah, and maybe we’ll also vacation in Europe on what we’re making.
(beat)
And I don’t feel very comfortable with the idea of killing an embryo anyway.

TRENT
Are you sure you don’t want me to get a shotgun and—

DARIA
Trent, I need you.  I can’t afford to have you die on me.  So forget the noble but futile gestures and concentrate on how we’re going to deal with having a baby on the way.

TRENT
You know, we might actually benefit from you getting pregnant.

DARIA
You mean there’s a bright side to this?

TRENT
Consider it part of your disguise.  No one is going to expect you to get pregnant in this part of your life, especially when you’re on the run from the Mafia.

QUINN
I’m busy.

SANDI
(out of view)
This is important, Quinn!

QUINN
I’m doing homework!

SANDI
Quinn, are you OK?  You’re making mistakes with your makeup, and you keep wearing the same outfit over and over again!  How many more times are we going to see you in that pink shirt with a butterfly on it? ²⁴

QUINN
I don’t care.

SANDI
How can you not care?  This is fashion we’re talking about!  You need help!

QUINN
I still don’t care.  Fashion isn’t getting me anywhere.

SANDI
I’m worried about you, Quinn.  I know you’ve been concerned about getting into a good college, but now you’re starting to sound like a crazy person.

QUINN
I’ve spent the past few years trying to be fashionable, and what has it gotten me?  A lot of dates with total losers who want to sleep with me in the back-seat of their parents’ car.  And what did Daria do?  She did whatever she felt like, and lots of cool stuff happened to her, and she met this guitar player who fell so wildly in love with her that they ran off together.  Why bother putting all that effort into fashion when I can channel it into my schoolwork and still get this great-looking guy who isn’t full of himself to be interested in me?

SANDI
You’re definitely crazy.  Please, talk to a psychiatrist.

QUINN
Am I really crazy?
(calls up a picture of Jesse, Max, Nick, and Monique on her computer screen)
This is Mystik Spiral.²⁵   The one who shaves his head is mine.

SANDI
(stunned)
Really?
(beat)
You wouldn’t happen to know if the one with the long hair has a girlfriend?

MONIQUE
(singing—and I mean really singing, not what Trent does canonically)
There’s no place to hide things
Under the bed,
And nowhere to hide from what’s true.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Down here by the floor,
My soul calls out “More!”
But knows that its cry won’t get through.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
I don’t have a headboard
Or box-spring of wire.
My spirit’s hit low altitude.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
The mattress is thin.
It’s itching my skin,
And that isn’t helping my mood.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

DARIA
Just when I thought things weren’t getting any worse, your car had to break down.

TRENT
It’s not like it had much life left in it.

DARIA
Yeah, but it means that we’re screwed when it comes to travel.

TRENT
We could always get it repaired.

DARIA
With what money?  We’re living hand-to-mouth as it is.  Pushing it into the woods was about the only thing we could do with it.

TRENT
Oh, yeah.  How about we just take the bus?

DARIA
I don’t think that’s going to work.  I’m puking and having cravings seemingly at random, and now I’m having motion sickness problems, God only knows why.  I don’t think I can stand being cooped up on a bus that won’t stop every time I’m feeling woozy. ²⁶
(beat)
Aw, Hell!

TRENT
What now?

DARIA
Look.
(points)

TRENT
So what?

DARIA
You remember my aunt Rita?

TRENT
Yeah.

DARIA
She lives here.

TRENT
Damn.

DARIA
I just had to randomize the direction we’d go in each day…

HELEN
Hi, Jake.  No time to rest.  I’ve got a dinner meeting with a client—

JAKE
Helen, can we talk?

HELEN
I’m too busy to stay more than a few minutes, Jake!

JAKE
(stands up and walks over to Helen)
Helen, you’ve been doing nothing but work since
(beat)
that day.  I’m worried about you.

HELEN
(angry)
I’m fine, Jake!

JAKE
(summoning a lot of courage)
You’re not fine.  You don’t sleep.  You don’t eat.  You’re never home.  I think you need to take a vacation.

HELEN
I do not need a vacation!

JAKE
You can’t keep up this pace, Helen!  Even my no-good scoundrel of a father, “Mad Dog” Morgendorffer, petered out on being—

HELEN
This has nothing to do with your father, Jake!

JAKE
Well, what does it have to do with?

HELEN
I want my baby back!  Why did she have to run away like that?  Are we really that bad parents?  Did we pay too little attention to her?  Were we negligent?  Where the Hell did we go wrong?
(cries on Jake’s shoulder)

JAKE
It’s not our fault, Helen.  It’s not your fault.

QUINN
Hi.

SANDI
Quinn, are you alright?  It’s almost as if you’re a brain now.

QUINN
Yeah, I am.  My life is so much better.

SANDI
How can it be better?  You’re no longer the envy of half of Lawndale!  You need a psychiatrist!

QUINN
I’m happy, I’m getting good grades, my parents aren’t complaining about me anymore, and I’ve got a great guy who loves me for who I am, not for how I look—not that I don’t still look hot, of course.  These combat boots do wonders for making the rest of my legs look great.  Or are you just jealous, Sandi?  Can you believe I didn’t have to modify this shirt at all?

SANDI
What would I have to be jealous about?  You need help!

TIFFANY
Bye.

JESSE
Bye.

TIFFANY
(approaching the others)
I love having a guy who thinks like I do.

STACY
Quinn, I just had to thank you for dumping these guys.  We’ve never been happier in our entire lives.

SANDI
That’s it!  I cannot stand around and watch this outright violation of the unwritten rules by which fashionable people live and do nothing.  We cannot have
(faces Quinn)
you being a brain
(faces Tiffany)
and you wearing glasses and dating a guy with rusty pickup truck
(faces Stacy)
and you going steady with three guys at once!

QUINN
What are you going to do, Sandi?  The Fashion Club doesn’t exist anymore, so there are no rules we have to keep.

SANDI
To Hell with you people!  I’m going back to my first love:  chess!²⁷

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
Hey, Trent.  Did you find any work yet?

TRENT
Better:  I found us a gig.  There’s this pub nearby where the manager’s been having trouble attracting customers, so he’s been looking for a band that’ll play anything.  He’s willing to give us a try.

DARIA
What do you mean by “anything”?

TRENT
The audience gives us requests, and we perform them.

DARIA
Um, Trent, do you really think you can do that?  I know I have an eidetic memory, but that’s not a talent I’ve ever heard of you having.

TRENT
Anything I’ve heard, I can play by ear.
(picks up guitar)
Try me.  Name any tune.  I dare you.

DARIA
Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby”.

TRENT
(shudders)
I hope you’re not a fan—

DARIA
I’m not.  I have an eidetic memory:  I remember everything I read or hear.  Can you play it?

TRENT
Listen to this.

TRENT
(as he plays)
Yo, VIP, let’s kick it.
Ice ice baby.
Ice ice baby.
All right, stop, collaborate, and listen.
Ice is back with my brand new invention.
Something grabs a-hold of me tightly,
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.
Will it ever stop?  Yo, I don’t know.
Turn off the lights, and I’ll glow—

DARIA
OK, I believe you.

TRENT
(ceasing playing)
But can you sing anything you’ve ever heard?

DARIA
I feel a gruelling practice session coming on…
(beat)
Just one thing first:  Who did you tell this manager we were?

TRENT
As far as he’s concerned, we’re a married couple, Clyde and Lola Winters.

DARIA
Lola Winters?  You moron!  My middle name is “Lola”.  I can’t use that name!

TRENT
(scratching his head)
No wonder it seemed familiar.  It certainly fits the way you look now.

DARIA
I’m beginning to regret I ever told you.  Even Jane doesn’t know.

TRENT
Well, that’s the beauty of it:  No one is going to think you’re you using that name.

TRENT
This is it.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Eep!

TRENT
What’s the matter?

DARIA
(quietly)
A couple of years ago, I wrote a musical in which a hurricane strikes Lawndale.

TRENT
(quietly)
You know, that really turns me on for two different reasons.

DARIA
I’ll sing it for you later.  In this musical, the character based on me claims she always knew in what place she would die, and that pub has the same name.

TRENT
Oh.

DARIA
Sorry about this.  I’m just a bit unnerved.

TRENT
It’s OK.  This town’s starting to creep me out, too.  So let’s just get this gig over with for today.

DARIA
Fine.

DITZ
Brittany!
(embraces Daria)
It’s been so long. You look great!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, I’m not Brittany.

DITZ
(releasing Daria)
Oh, sorry.  You look so much like my cousin, down to her taste in clothing.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you have as much in common with me as she does.
(beat)
Oh, I’m Clementine Graham.

DARIA
Lola Winters.  It’s so nice to meet a kindred soul,
(grabs onto Trent)
but Clyde and I are here to perform. ³⁰

TRENT
Hey.

DARIA
He plays the guitar, and I play keyboard.

CLEMENTINE
Oh, that’s too bad.  Maybe I’ll catch you between sets.

DARIA
(a bit forced)
Sure!

CLEMENTINE
Bye for now.
(wanders off)

DARIA
(strained)
Bye.

TRENT
Was that someone we should be worried about?

DARIA
I don’t know.
(beat)
Weren’t you going to introduce me to the manager?

TRENT
Yeah.
(sights someone)
I see him…

TRENT
Hey, John.  This is my wife, Lola.

DARIA
Hi!

JOHN
Well, hello there.  Aren’t you a pretty, little thing?  Clyde here tells me you’re quite a singer.

DARIA
I was in the glee club in high school.

JOHN
Well, if you’re half as good as he claims, you two are hired as a regular gig.  Why don’t we get you two set up…

TRENT
Hi.  I’m Clyde.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
And I’m Lola!

TRENT
And we’re here to perform any song you want.

DARIA
And we mean anything!  You name it, we sing it.

TRENT
Do we have any requests?

TRENT
You in the green sweater.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
(twirling a pigtail about a finger)
I don’t think I’ve ever heard that played in a pub before.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Who cares?  You look like Britney Spears, so it seems appropriate.

DARIA
(joining in, her singing and playing considerably improved)
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby.
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go,
And now you’re out of sight, yeah.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because…
My loneliness is killin’ me.
I must confess I still believe.
When I’m not with you, I lose my mind.
Give me a sign; hit me baby one more time!
Oh baby, baby, the reason I breathe is you.
Boy, you’ve got me blinded.
Oh, pretty baby, there’s nothin’ that I wouldn’t do.
That’s not the way I planned it.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because…
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know,
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you go?
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killin’ me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here,
And give me a sign; hit me, baby, one more time.
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here?
And give me a sign…
Hit me, baby, one more time!

DARIA
Thank you!  Thank you!  Next request, please.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
One more time!

TRENT
You, up front, in purple…

TRENT 
(and he can actually sing now!)
Hello, hello, hello; I don’t know.
Hello, hello, hello; I don’t know.
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous.
Here we go now; entertain us.
I feel stupid and contagious.
A mulatto, an albino,
A mosquito, my libido.
Yeah, yeah.

TRENT
Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
We’ve had such a great time!  We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

JOHN
That was great!  You kids are hired.

DARIA
Thanks!

TRENT
You won’t regret it, man.

JOHN
I knew the aliens wouldn’t let me down.

TRENT
Aliens?

DARIA
Icky, green monsters?  Ew!

JOHN
They’re not icky at all.  They give me all my best business advice.

TRENT
Whatever you say.

JOHN
Why don’t we go into my office, Clyde, and discuss the terms of your contract?  The aliens gave me a proposal I think you’ll like.

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
Um—

JOHN
Don’t worry your pretty, little head about it, Lola.  Why don’t you go enjoy yourself in the meantime?  Anything you want, on the house.

DARIA
(resigned)
OK.

CLEMENTINE
That was so wonderful the way you sang.

DARIA
Oh, thank you!

CLEMENTINE
I was thinking:  since you’re not Brittany Taylor, maybe you’re related to her.

DARIA
Brittany Taylor?

CLEMENTINE
She’s my cousin on my father’s side.  You know her?

DARIA
(twisting her hair around her finger)
I think Clyde and I met her passing through Lawndale.

CLEMENTINE
Yes!  That’s where she lives!  It’s such a wonderful place…

CLEMENTINE
… but my dad and his brother had this big fight, which went way back to their childhoods…

CLEMENTINE
… but his taste in, well, everything was always so gauche…

CLEMENTINE
… but he was such a jerk!
(beat)
Where were we again?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, I think it was your neighbor three houses down the street.

CLEMENTINE
Oh, yes.  So he went to Peterson and said—

TRENT
Hey, Lola.  It’s about time we got back to work.

CLEMENTINE
Aw, that’s too bad.  Maybe we can continue tomorrow.

DARIA
(strained)
Sure.

DARIA
Get me some Pop Rocks and a two-liter bottle of Coke, Trent.  I’m going to kill myself.³¹

TRENT
It couldn’t have been that bad.

DARIA
You weren’t there for that whole hour Clementine was talking.  If you thought some of the music we had to perform was bad, that was nothing compared to her.  That woman is the worst gossip I have ever met; in one hour she must have told me about half of the people in the state, including us.  If it wasn’t for us having to play a second set, I would have had to kill her.

TRENT
Sorry to hear about that.  Who is she, anyway?

DARIA
Brittany Taylor’s cousin.  High school senior, epitome of no taste in literature, and music nut.

TRENT
Brittany Taylor’s the bimbo whose appearance you copied?

DARIA
Yeah.  And this one’s worse.  She’s a deconstructionist. ³²

TRENT
If Clementine’s such a pain to be around, why didn’t you tell her to shove off or something?

DARIA
I would have loved to tell her to get lost and be gone forever, ³³ but I couldn’t imagine Lola behaving otherwise, being allegedly interested in makeup and clothing and, um, guys.  Before I knew it, I was trapped talking to the Bottomless Throat.

TRENT
Maybe she won’t show up tomorrow at Nowheresville.

DARIA
Perhaps.  But she is taking me clothes shopping tomorrow.  She just had to notice that I was showing and my clothes were starting to get too tight—as if they hadn’t been too tight already.

TRENT
Well, you do need maternity clothes, and I don’t see how you can pick them out alone when you can’t really see what you’re doing.

DARIA
Yeah, but it didn’t have to be her helping me.  You at least don’t have to deal with a perky pea-brain when searching for an apartment…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
How does this look to you?

CLEMENTINE
Turn around and see for yourself.

DARIA
It stands proudly and says, “I am”.

CLEMENTINE
You see!  I told you it was a good combination.

DARIA
But I’m more of a yellow and blue person.

CLEMENTINE
With your skin, eye, and hair color?  I don’t think so…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.  Are you OK?

DARIA
No.  I’ve condemned myself to a life of misery.

TRENT
What?  You’ve already made an enemy in Leeville?

DARIA
Worse:  I’ve made a friend.

TRENT
I take it you haven’t managed to tick off Clementine yet.

DARIA
No.  Please push down on the pillow until I suffocate.

TRENT
Daria, you know I can’t kill you.

DARIA
Why not?  Being around her is being in Hell.  The most intellectual discussion we’ve had is on whether or not I look good in yellow and blue.  I finally managed to justify to her that I look best in blue and purple.

TRENT
Actually, I think you’d look better in green.

DARIA
Never do that to me, Trent, especially when it interferes with my disguise.  You know I have trouble resisting.  I already let you turn me into a singer and musician, and I never fought your pathetic excuses why you wouldn’t take me to a thrift shop so I could change my look to something less embarrassing.  Don’t push your luck.

TRENT
Sorry about that.  Wait a minute:  how would you know what you look good in?  You never showed much fashion sense back in Lawndale.  Not that you didn’t look good then…

DARIA
I was fashion editor of the school newspaper at Highland High.  I’ve read enough on the subject to run circles around Quinn if I wanted to.  My look in Lawndale was deliberate.

TRENT
Hmm.  So what now?

DARIA
(sighs)
Since you won’t kill me and I’ve created my own Hell, I guess I’m going to have to live in it.  At least discussing fashion is better than gossiping…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Hi, everybody!  We’re Lola and Clyde.

TRENT
What’ll tonight’s first song of be?

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER IN AUDIENCE
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
But we played that one last night.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
So what?  I like that song.

DARIA
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby…

HIKER #1
What in tarnation is this car doing out here?

HIKER #2
I dunno.

HIKER #3
Alright!  Take a look at this!
(points to the bullet holes in the side of the car)

PEABODY
(monotone)
Oh, dear.  This can’t be good.

DARIA
… In the Garden of Eden, honey,
Don’t you know that I love you?
In the Garden of Eden, baby,
Don’t you know that I’ll always be true?
Oh, won’t you come with me
And take my hand?
Oh, won’t you come with me
And walk this land?
Please take my hand!

TRENT
Thank you!  We’ve enjoyed playing “play that tune”.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
You’re such a wonderful audience!

TRENT
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

TRENT
You really need… to find a better way to evade… Clementine.

DARIA
I know… this is indecent… in public, but… unless we can… find a decent excuse… for leaving the… premises during… the break, I’m… going to have to… talk to her… if we can’t… do this.

TRENT
We could... always go into the... alley out... back and—

CLEMENTINE
Lola, I’m really sorry to disturb you, but you’ll never guess what I’ve just heard!

CLEMENTINE
A friend of mine and some friends of his found Trent Lane’s car abandoned in the woods right outside of town—and there were three bullets in the side of the car!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
That’s the grunge guitarist who ran off with his sister’s best friend?

CLEMENTINE
Yes!  Isn’t it scary?  To think that there might be the Mob or a gang operating right here in Leeville!

DARIA
Clementine—

CLEMENTINE
Like, I know this Daria was supposed to be this arrogant jerk who looked down on everybody and her boyfriend was a lazy bum who slept all day, but that doesn’t mean they deserved to die!  Oh, why do these horrible things happen keep happening around here?

DARIA
(with difficulty)
Calm down!  Like, I know this is all painful and stuff, but it’s not your fault.  We still don’t know what happened to Daria and Trent.  Yeah, maybe they are dead, but maybe they’re OK, living somewhere we don’t know.  You can’t just assume the worst.

CLEMENTINE
Thanks, Lola.  You’re really smart.

DARIA
(mumbles)
Don’t mention it.  Please.

CLEMENTINE
But if Daria and Trent are still alive, maybe they’re in big trouble.

DARIA
Perhaps, I don’t think there’s much we can do about it…

DARIA
(putting down her synthesizer; putting on her regular glasses)
Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot?  I can’t be myself in public, and then I screw everything up by showing some intelligence and injecting some common sense into a panic situation.
(flops face-down on the sofa)
I might as well put a sign on my back saying, “kill me, Todd”.

TRENT
(putting down his guitar)
It can’t be that bad.  Remember that Clementine’s not particularly bright.

DARIA
Yeah, but she isn’t Tiffany either.

TRENT
Which one was Tiffany again?

DARIA
A walking Barbie doll.  Fashion Club treasurer.  Barely literate.  Has a paranoid fear of looking fat.  No sign of higher brain functions.  Clementine, by contrast, is getting decent grades.

TRENT
(pulling Daria into a sitting position and sitting down next to her)
Oh, yeah.  But maybe she thinks a lot of people are smart who pale in comparison to you, even when you’re too groggy to know what’s going on two inches in front of your face.

DARIA
I hope you’re right, Trent.  I hope you’re right.

TRENT
(casually putting his hand on Daria’s thigh)
That’s nothing.  Clementine did mention my car being found in the woods.

DARIA
Argh!  Now there’s no way we can reclaim it without turning ourselves in for police protection.  We really are trapped in Leeville.

TRENT
We could always hitchhike.

DARIA
That’s risky.  I’m not ready to bet my life on it yet.

JAKE
Hey there, uh, um, do I know you?

MONIQUE
The name is Monique Martin.  Where’s Jane Lane?

JAKE
She’s upstairs, in Quinn’s room, but—

JANE
OK, so Daria, angry because she discovered that she didn’t get as much scholarship money as she thought she was getting because Ms. Li had sabotaged her transcript due to their mutual animosity, marches into Ms. Li’s office, threatening to get the money by lawsuit.  Ms. Li, being irritated one time too many by our favorite cynic, pulls out a gun and threatens to blow Daria away.  Daria flees, runs out into the school parking lot, and jumps in Trent’s car.  Ms. Li, following, fires three times at Daria.  Trent pushes her out of the way, saving her from certain death.  Daria, remembering that I’m going to beat her silly if she doesn’t confess to Trent how she feels about him, thanks our favorite bad guitarist for saving her life and says to him those three magic words:  “I love you”.  Trent then confesses his love for Daria, and the two of them run off to Brazil to live happily ever after.  And Ms. Li, wanting to get rid of the evidence, dumps the car in the woods.  Now will you please come over to my house so I can paint you for my nude painting class?   I was going to have Tiffany pose for me, but her mother found out and told me to stay away from her.  I also thought I’d be able to get Cindy to pose for me, but now she’s too “busy”, something about putting together called “Harpies Records”.

QUINN
If you want to sweet-talk me into taking off my clothes, it’s going to take a lot more than a silly scenario.  Let’s start with—

QUINN
Hey!

MONIQUE
(entering the room)
What the Hell did you tell the police, Lane?

JANE
What the Hell are you talking about, Martin?

MONIQUE
Some hikers found Trent’s car in the woods near Leeville.  There were three bullets in the side of the car.  Who put it in the pigs’ heads that I might have something to do with Trent and the misery slut’s disappearance?  They kept me in custody for three hours before they figured out the bullets didn’t come from my gun!

JANE
Gee, since I know I didn’t, my guess is that since you were Trent’s ex-girlfriend—

MONIQUE
(showing off an engagement ring)
That’s “fiancée”.  He proposed to me.

JANE
Fine.  Since you were Trent’s fiancée, you have a gun, and, as everyone on the planet now knows by now, you hate Daria’s guts, the cops probably figured that you had a motive.

QUINN
Why wouldn’t they suspect you?  You’re just plain mean.

MONIQUE
Shut up, pip-squeak.

QUINN
Hmph!

JANE
Besides, it’s Samantha and April who made the anonymous phone call.

MONIQUE
Damn it!  How long are they going to be trying to make my life a living Hell?

JANE
Listen:  if you want to do something better than yell at us or kill the other Harpies, you can go to Leeville yourself and see if can find Daria and Trent around there.  You know Quinn and I can’t; I have to hitchhike my way back to Boston tomorrow, and Quinn here has class.  Who knows?  You might be able to yell at the one you keep blaming for your man troubles.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Hello?

TATUM
(into phone)
Louis, it’s Tatum.

LOUIS
(into phone)
What’s up?

TATUM
(into phone)
Angelina and I had to go out of town suddenly.

LOUIS
(into phone)
New lead on Morgendorffer?

TATUM
(into phone)
Yeah.  Something on the news about Lane’s car being found right outside of Leeville.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Good luck.

TATUM
(into phone)
Thanks.
(beat)
I was wondering:  would you mind watering my plants while I’m gone?  I would have asked before I left, but Angelina and I were in a hurry.

LOUIS
(into phone)
No problem.
(beat)
We still on for Saturday?

TATUM
(into phone)
Assuming we’re back by then, sure.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Take care, honey.

TATUM
(into phone)
Bye-bye.

CLEMENTINE
(hostile)
Hello, Monique.  I see you haven’t changed.  Still stealing boyfriends, I assume?

MONIQUE
I’m not here to see you, Clementine.
(pulls a picture of Daria and Trent out of her pocket and shows it to Clementine)
Have you seen either of these people recently?

CLEMENTINE
I don’t think so.³⁴   Did you steal that woman’s boyfriend, too?

MONIQUE
Will you just get over it?  The guy was way too old for you anyway.  Has anyone recently arrived in town?

CLEMENTINE
Well, Clyde and Lola Winters moved here about a month ago.

MONIQUE
Who are they?

CLEMENTINE
The performers on stage.

MONIQUE
Is this Lola intelligent?

CLEMENTINE
Well, she helps me and other people out with personal problems and knows a lot about clothes and stuff like that, but she’s not book-smart like us.

MONIQUE
You book-smart?  Give me a break.  You thought Moby Dick was good.

CLEMENTINE
But it is!  All that stuff about how to kill whales is really symbolic about the torment in the human soul. ³⁵

TRENT
Thank you, everybody!  Nowheresville audiences are the best!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.  See you then.

CLEMENTINE
Why are you so interested in Lola, Monique?

MONIQUE
(snapping out of staring at Daria and Trent)
What?  Uh, never mind.  She’s not who I’m looking for, no way in Hell.
(exits)

PEABODY
What was it with the Misery Chick?  I haven’t seen her in years.

CLEMENTINE
I don’t know.  Monique wanted to know about people who were new in town and wanted to know especially about Lola.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Must be getting paranoid.  I know she was worrying about Daria seeing Trent secretly back before they disappeared.

PEABODY
Fifty dollars says she murdered them both and buried their bodies in the woods.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(shakes Peabody’s hand)
You’re on.
(checks her watch)
Aw, Hell.  I’ve got to get back to Lawndale.  See you later, Party Animal.
(kisses Peabody and exits)

CLEMENTINE
What does she see in you, anyway?

PEABODY
(pure deadpan)
She says I make her smile.³⁶

ANGELINA
(looking at Daria and Trent)
That’s disgusting.  Are you really sure that’s her?  I can’t see Daria doing that even with a gun to her back.  I’d even bet money on it.

TATUM
If she is Morgendorffer, she’s sunk to a new low.  We’ll just have to find out the hard way…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Please!  Don’t hurt me!

TATUM
Shut up, or I’ll kill you!
(examines Daria’s hair)
Damn it!  She’s the wrong one!  Her roots are blond!

ANGELINA
Told you.  When am I getting my fifty bucks?

TATUM
Talk to me later.
(to Daria)
You even think of looking up before we’re long gone, and you’ll be wiped off the face of the Earth so fast that you won’t even feel the bullet hit you.  Is that clear?

DARIA
Yes!

TATUM
Good.

PEABODY
Watch where you’re going, you stupid cow.
(walks away)

GUY #1
Are you OK, Lola?

GUY #2
We saw the whole thing.  Peabody can be a real jerk sometimes.

GUY #3
Do you want us to beat him up for you?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
That’s not really necessary, guys.

GUY #3
It is if you want us to.  We’re your biggest fans.  We’d do anything for a hot babe like you.

DARIA
No thanks, guys.  I don’t think Peabody really deserves it.
(walks away)

GUY #1
(to guy #3)
Idiot.

GUY #3
What?

GUY #2
You scared her off, stupid.  How are any of us going to score with her when you don’t have any tact?

STONED GUY #1
Are you guys really stupid enough to think you have a chance of sleeping with Lola Winters?

GUY #2
What’s so stupid about that?

STONED GUY #2
Didn’t you notice the wedding ring?  Or the fact that between sets she lets her husband do anything he wants with her?  How many women do you know who’ll let their husbands put their hands in their clothes in public or what Rhonda said she saw them doing in the alley out back?  She’s so crazy about him that she’d never cheat on him.

GUY #1
Oh, come on!  Don’t you know about these show-business types?

STONED GUY #2
What about them?

GUY #3
They have insatiable sexual appetites.  One man can’t be enough for her.

STONED GUY #1
Fifty dollars says these guys will get beaten up by Clyde within the next three months.

STONED GUY #2
No bet, man.  I give it a 95% chance of happening.

DARIA
Trent, I had a close call today.  Angelina and Tatum jumped me in the restroom.

TRENT
Damn.

DARIA
The only reason they let me go is because my hair has blond roots.  They must have been expecting red.

TRENT
So we’re safe?

DARIA
For the moment.  Assuming that Todd and company don’t figure out my hair’s supposed to be this color.

TRENT
That’s a relief.
(beat)
Oh, I think I saw Monique in the audience wearing her “I don’t want to be noticed” outfit.

DARIA
Wait a moment.  What outfit is that?

TRENT
Back when I was in high school she dressed pretty much like you used to.  She still dresses like that sometimes.

DARIA
Do I see a pattern emerging?

TRENT
Well Monique and the rest of the Harpies are a lot like you.

DARIA
Even Cindy?

TRENT
Especially Cindy.

DARIA
I feel really flattered now.

TRENT
Hey, don’t put yourself down, Daria.  Cindy doesn’t care about people like you do.  She can do lots of bad stuff without feeling bad about it.  I’ve heard she was sleeping with that troll-like guy for money or something…

DARIA
(“let’s not go there”)
Trent, what was Monique doing in Nowheresville.

TRENT
I think she was talking to Clementine.

DARIA
Any idea why she was doing that?  You know her a lot better than I do.

TRENT
I wish I knew.  I guess we’re now going to have to find somewhere else to live.

DARIA
I’m not sure that’s a good idea.&nbs