in
“New Nightmare”
(or “Hitman, Baby, One More Time”)
Completely on-canon edition
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman

ANNOUNCER
(out of view)
He’s a nearly broke rock musician.  She’s a high-school brain who had a crush on him but could never tell him she loved him.  What drove them to run off to Las Vegas together to get married?  On the next Sick, Sad World.

JAKE
I knew it!  That no-good, lazy bum was trying to get into Daria’s pants from the first time I saw him!  What the Hell is she thinking, ruining her future like this?

HELEN
Jake, settle down!
(calmer, to camera)
Please, Daria, we’ll try to understand.  Don’t abandon everyone who loves you needlessly.  If you really love Trent, we can accept him as a son-in-law.  All we want is for you to come home.

QUINN
This doesn’t make any sense!  I’m the cute and popular one!  She’s just a brain!  Why don’t any hot musicians want to run away to Las Vegas with me?

QUINN
(offended)
What?

JANE
It doesn’t make any sense.  Daria’s had a crush on Trent for some time now, and I know Trent likes Daria, but this isn’t anything like either of them.  I couldn’t get the two of them to go out on a date, much less run off to elope.  Daria never does anything impulsive.

MONIQUE
I’m going to kill that redhead, pseudointellectual bimbo, Daria!  She stole my fiancé!  The rumors about her trying to get her grimy paws on Trent really were true!

DARIA
(voice over)
OK, it sounds bad.  It sounds very bad.  But it’s not what you think.  It’s something worse, much worse.

DARIA
(voice over)
If you’re wondering, that’s me and Trent, and yes, I’m carrying his baby.  And that’s still not the worst of it.

DARIA
(voice over)
It all started on my nineteenth birthday ¹ , which was during the summer between high school and when I should have started college.  My family was preparing to throw me yet another horribly boring birthday party of the kind that makes pulling teeth seem preferable, the kind of nauseating affair with cheery streamers and confetti that my parents had thrown every year of my life—sometimes even on time—out of guilt for neglecting me or in a foolish attempt to bond with me.  I didn’t want to go over to Jane’s either, fearing that she would force me down into the basement and make me tell Trent how I felt about him—or something even worse.  I no longer had the excuse that I had a boyfriend, my relationship with Tom being over, and, as Jane suspected, my crush on Trent was reemerging—despite the fact that I expected any romantic relationship I might have with him to be an unqualified disaster.  Needing some escape, I took the opportunity to take care of a much needed chore…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
(blushing)
Hey, Trent.

TRENT
What brings you to this part of town?

DARIA
(mumbles)
Clothes shopping.  I was afraid if I stayed home my parents would throw me a party, and I needed some new clothes anyway. ²

TRENT
Oh, yeah.  It’s your birthday.  Happy birthday.

DARIA
Thanks.

TRENT
Tell you what:  I’m going to get some new strings for my guitar, and there’s a retro clothing store nearby.  How about I buy you something you’ll look good in there?

DARIA
You really don’t have to do that.

TRENT
You’re like part of the family now.  It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t get you something.  I was also thinking about getting you a tattoo.

DARIA
I’m starting to like this clothing idea.
(gets in Trent’s car)
Let’s go.

TRENT
Any idea where you want to go next?

DARIA
I was thinking—

VOICE
(out of view)
Please!  Don’t hurt me!

DARIA
(stopping)
Stewart?

TODD
So you thought you could escape me?

STEWART
Um, er…

TODD
When are you going to learn that no one gets out of my gang alive?  You ought to have known better than to have gone to the cops for protection; Alfred here’s on the payroll.  Now die.

TODD
You three know what to do with the body.

BEAVIS
Fire!  Fire!

TODD
Damn it!  It’s that Morgendorffer girl!

TODD
Damn it!

TODD
Damn it again!

TRENT
Who the Hell was that?

DARIA
Todd Ianuzzi.⁵   He was a small-time thug back in Highland.

TRENT
He must have moved up the thug scale a notch or two.
(beat)
Aw, Hell.  He’s following us.

RENT-A-COP IN GUARD-BOOTH
Hey!  You can’t do that!

RENT-A-COP
Aw, Hell!

DARIA
Uh, Trent, what are you doing?

TRENT
Something Curtis Delano told me about a few years back.

DARIA
Trent, how did you know where to drive without sinking?

TRENT
Actually, I didn’t.  I just didn’t have a better idea what to do.

DARIA
Oh.  Remind me to yell at you later.
(beat)
Trent, where are we going?

TRENT
Um, I’m not sure yet.  I don’t think it’ll be to the police.

DARIA
Agreed.  Not when Todd has a cop working for him.
(swallows)
Why don’t you just let me off on the side of the road.  Todd only seemed to notice me overhearing him.  If so, he doesn’t know you were there, so he won’t go after you.

TRENT
Hell, no.  I’ve known you for, what, three years?  I care too much about you to leave you to die.  If this Todd character wants to kill you, he’s going to have to kill me first.

DARIA
That’s nice of you, but—

TRENT
And I’m not taking “no” for an answer.

DARIA
(uneasily)
OK.

TRENT
Now, the first thing we need to do is buy a shotgun, find out where this Todd guy lives, and—

DARIA
Trent, have you ever fired a gun before?

TRENT
Um, no.

DARIA
That automatically makes Todd a better marksman than you.  Not to mention that he has people working for him, no doubt trained in the use of firearms.  If you try killing Todd in Highland, you’ll probably get killed yourself, and I don’t want to see that happen.
(with difficulty)
I care about you, too, Trent.

VOICE
Daria?  Is that you?

TRENT
(softly)
Damn.

DARIA
Aunt Rita?

RITA
Daria!  It’s good to see you again!

DARIA
(insincere)
It’s good to see you, too.

DARIA
Oh, this is Trent Lane.

TRENT
Hey.

RITA
Hello.

DARIA
What are you doing here?  I thought you were in France.

RITA
That was a waste of time, so I came back to the States early.  I’m just passing through here on the way to Highland for a conference. ⁸   But what are you doing here?  I thought today was your birthday and you’d want to be home with your parents and sister in Lawndale.

DARIA
It is my birthday, but we happen to be on the run from the Mafia, so we’ll be missing the party.

RITA
I know you’ve got Amy’s bad attitude, but what are you really doing here?

DARIA
We are on the run from the Mafia.

RITA
I don’t see why you can’t tell me the truth.  Even Amy isn’t this bad.

TRENT
We’re running off to Vegas to get married.

RITA
My Lord!

DARIA
(deciding to play along to see how gullible Rita is)
You heard him.  Trent and I are madly in love, and we’re going to Las Vegas to get married.

RITA
Shouldn’t you wait until after college?  I mean:  I married early, but even I waited until after—

DARIA
You didn’t wait until after college, Aunt Rita, and why should I?  I’ve spent my whole life waiting, being “the good daughter”, working hard in school, being quiet, and avoiding trouble.  And for what?  Parents who don’t notice me unless I misbehave?  Constant depression while Quinn “the bad daughter” gets all the attention and has all the fun?  Why shouldn’t I get to do things like this?

RITA
Daria!

TRENT
Do you have a problem with us being together?

RITA
No, but… this is so sudden.  I didn’t even know you were dating.  I know Helen and Jake can be dense, but is running away really going to help?

DARIA
I’m tired of putting up with my parents!  It’s time I did something to make myself happy!  Screw Helen!  Screw Jake!  Screw that monster Quinn!  And if you have a problem with what we’re doing, screw you, too!  There’s nothing you or they can do about it!

RITA
(to herself)
Good one, Barksdale.

TRENT
Wow.  That was some great acting you did in there.  I wasn’t expecting you to play along like that.

DARIA
Trent, I have to tell you something:  I wasn’t totally acting in there.

TRENT
You mean you really are depressed?  Whoa.  I just thought you were cynical.

DARIA
No, I am cynical.  It’s just that
(swallows)
I love you.

TRENT
I love you, too, Daria.  You’re like part of the family.

DARIA
I mean romantically.

TRENT
(stunned)
Oh.

DARIA
Trent?

TRENT
Sorry.  I wasn’t expecting that.

JANE
You know, Monique, you really don’t have to be here.  You barely know Daria.

MONIQUE
I’d rather be on the safe side.  I’ve heard some things about her.

JANE
What sort of things?

MONIQUE
About her and Trent.  Strange things about her dating him behind my back—or something more serious,
(gestures)
like what Upchuck and Eunice have been doing.

JANE
Kissing?

MONIQUE
It’s a lot more serious than that.  Trust me:  you do not want to know what I walked in on yesterday.
(shudders)

JANE
You’re being paranoid.  Daria’s not going to go after Trent as long as you’re in the picture.  Though they would make a cute couple…

MONIQUE
Hmph!

QUINN
(into phone)
Hello?

RITA
(into phone)
Quinn, it’s me, your aunt Rita.

QUINN
(into phone)
Oh, hi, Aunt Rita.  I know you want to talk to Daria, but she’s not here now.  You could try back in—

RITA
(into phone)
I just talked to her, Quinn.  She’s running off with someone called Trent Lane to Las Vegas to get married.

QUINN
(into phone)
That’s not funny.  Daria doesn’t act like that.

RITA
(into phone)
I’m serious, Quinn.  She complained about your mother, your father, and you, and she said she was madly in love with this Lane guy and that they were going to Las Vegas to get married.  I mean:  she actually kissed this grungy guy in front of me and yelled, “Screw Helen!  Screw Jake!  Screw that monster Quinn!”  I didn’t know she could be so emotional.

QUINN
(into phone)
What would Daria be doing in Leeville?  You know she doesn’t like you.  Why would she bother visiting?

RITA
(into phone)
I’m not in Leeville.  I’m in a small town called Micro about 250 miles west of Lawndale.  We met at a pizza place.

QUINN
(into phone)
So my brainy sister ran away with this rock musician who’s in love with her?

RITA
(into phone)
I didn’t catch what he does for a living.

QUINN
(into phone)
Excuse me a moment.

DARIA
I’m sorry, Trent, if it makes you uncomfortable.
(closes door)
If we’re going to be together for who-knows-how-long, you were going to find out sooner or later.

DARIA
(sitting down in another chair)
Look, I have trouble expressing positive emotions.  I had trouble doing it with Jane, too.  I could barely tell my own family I loved them.

TRENT
It’s not that.

DARIA
Then what is it?

TRENT
This is all too weird.  I’ve liked you for a long time now, but the idea of something like dating you never seriously occurred to me.  Oh, sure, Janey kept telling me to take you out somewhere all the time, but I thought it was a running joke.  She kept telling me to date this friend of hers who moved away before you came to Lawndale, and she didn’t even like me. ⁹   And now I find out it’s not a joke at all… And if that’s not enough of an adjustment to make, you’re probably the only one I’ll be able to socialize with anytime soon.  I don’t think any less of you, but this will take some time to get used to.

DARIA
OK…

TRENT
Come on, Daria.  Give me a break.  I’m never up this early unless I’ve been awake all night.

DARIA
Tough.  You didn’t want to abandon me, so you’d better get used to doing whatever it takes to survive on the run, and that means we don’t lounge around in bed until noon, because the more we move around, the harder it is for Todd to catch us.  I’m sorry, but for the forseeable future, we’re going to be on the road every day by nine AM.

TRENT
(sighs)
Fine.  Any idea where to go from here?

DARIA
Well, I always wanted to see….¹⁰
(freezes in her tracks)

TRENT
What?

DARIA
(points)
Over there.

DARIA
(out of view)
Angelina Hunter and Tatum Alexander.  They’re from Highland. ¹¹

TRENT
(out of view)
And judging from their behavior, they could be looking for you.  I say we leave now before we find out.

DARIA
(out of view)
Agreed.

DARIA
There just went the hope that Todd wouldn’t send anyone after me.

TRENT
It could still be a coincidence.

DARIA
It would have to be a pretty big coincidence.  Todd must have somehow gotten some idea of where we were from Rita.

TRENT
You think she called your folks?

DARIA
Probably.  I wouldn’t put a wiretap past the “new, improved” Todd.

LOUIS
I just can’t take it, sir.  No one can.  I started on wiretapping the Morgendorffers yesterday, and it’s already driving me crazy.  First there’s the younger sister, Quinn—she talks on and on endlessly about fashion for hours—and now the mother can’t shut up about law cases.  Frankly, I’m already worn out, and my assistant’s ready to mutiny.

TODD
Damn.  OK, get Beavis and Butt-Head to help you out.  They’ll listen to anything.

LOUIS
Thank you, sir.

TRENT
So they know we’re around here, and they probably know what you look like.

DARIA
Correct.  So let’s just get the Hell away from here.

TRENT
That won’t solve the second problem.

DARIA
I know.  But I don’t want to think about it right now.  I hate makeovers.  Talk to me about it in one or two hundred miles, OK?

TRENT
Well, if you want any suggestions, you would look hot with a navel ring—

DARIA
Please don’t go there.

TRENT
Why?

DARIA
(mumbles)
I might not be able to resist.

SANDI
Quinn, where’s your sister?  I hear she didn’t show up for her own birthday party yesterday.

QUINN
She’s, uh, been feeling sick.  She thinks she’s got something contagious.

SANDI
That’s not what Stacy told me.

QUINN
(softly)
Damn blabber-mouth.

SANDI
She said Daria ran off with a rock guitarist.  Is this true?

QUINN
(looks Sandi straight in the eye)
Yes.  She ran off with Jane Lane’s older brother Trent to Las Vegas to get married.

SANDI
I sympathize with you totally.  This is a really sad day for the former members of the Fashion Club.   Do you know what sort of awkward position this puts us in?  We are having an emergency meeting this afternoon for damage control.  You’re supposed to be much cuter and more popular than your sister.   We really feel your pain, and we’re determined to put a positive spin on this somehow to preserve your honor.   Do you know how bad it looks when a musician falls in love with your geeky sister and not you? ¹³

QUINN
Hey!  I turned him down!  Yeah, he was sort of cute, but he was too messy to go out with.  How was I to know they were going to fall in love and elope?  Or maybe, unable to obtain the pinnacle of perfection, he settled for second best.

SANDI
Daria is not second best.  We all have to learn to live with the shortcomings of our relatives.   There’s no crime in having a sister who is the plainest person in Lawndale.

QUINN
She’s not plain.  She’s just… not showy.  She could look as good as I do if she wanted to.

SANDI
Daria looking good?  Don’t fall into the trap of denial, Quinn.  That’ll never happen.

TRENT
Daria?

DARIA
(out of view)
I think I’ll just stay in here until Todd dies.

TRENT
You can’t stay in there that long.  You’ll starve.

DARIA
(out of view)
Then get me some strychnine.  I’d rather die than go outside looking like this.  I can’t see why anyone dresses in clothes like these.  I feel naked.

TRENT
Really?  Uh, it can’t be that bad.

DARIA
(out of view)
You’d better have some of that beer left over from that six-pack, because I’m going to need it to keep from locking myself in here forever.

TRENT
I didn’t know you drank.

DARIA
(out of view)
I took one look at myself in the mirror and decided to start.
(beat)
OK, here I come.
(beat)
I can’t do this!  I’m showing too much leg, and there’s no question as to what I’m shaped like.  I feel cheap.

TRENT
You have to come out, Daria.

DARIA
Promise me you won’t laugh.

TRENT
It can’t be that bad.

DARIA
(out of view)
Promise me!

TRENT
I promise.

DARIA
(out of view)
OK, here I come.

TRENT
Whoa.  You look…
(can’t find the proper word)

DARIA
Like a bimbo?

TRENT
Hey, you’re beautiful, stunning actually.  You ought to turn a lot of heads.

DARIA
Do you think I don’t know I’m beautiful?  I’ve been trying to hide the fact so morons don’t drool over me.
(turns to exit the room)
Since my life is over, I think I’ll just hide in the bathroom.

TRENT
(grabbing Daria’s arm)
Forget it.  You chose the outfit.

DARIA
(unconvincingly)
They didn’t have anything else which fit me and went together at the thrift store.

TRENT
Well, unless you want to risk looking as you normally do in public again, you’re dressing like that.

DARIA
Lucky me.  Just call me the misery ditz.  And my original hair color fits the profile just perfectly.  Now give me that beer.

TRENT
Wait a minute:  I thought your hair was supposed to be red.

DARIA
It’s not.  I’ve been dyeing it since, well, it seems forever, since people usually associate being blond with being stupid.  I even doctored old pictures—even videotapes—of me so no one would know.  The only reason my parents went along with it is because they considered it “a positive step in opening up in front of other people”, whatever the Hell that’s supposed to mean.  I want that beer now.

TRENT
Just a minute.
(fishes in his pocket and pulls out a wedding ring)
You’re also going to want to put this on so guys don’t hit on you.
(hands ring to Daria)

DARIA
(examining ring)
You must have spent a lot of money to afford one with rhinestones.  I feel so unworthy.

TRENT
You didn’t complain about me signing us in the register as “Mr. and Mrs. Trent Lane”.

DARIA
(puts on ring)
Shut up and give me that beer.

DARIA
Ugh!  How can you drink this stuff?  This is worse than my father’s cooking…

TRENT
Come on, try it again.  If we meet Tatum and Angelina face-to-face, you don’t want to talk to them in a monotone.

DARIA
(way too nasal)
Hi!  My name is Lola, and I’m a cheerleader!

TRENT
No, no, no!  Stop speaking through your nose.

DARIA
(better)
I don’t really think that’s something you can teach.

TRENT
Better, but you don’t sound like any bimbo I’ve met.

DARIA
(adding a slight wail)
Is Cashman’s really having a one-day sale?

TRENT
Much better.

DARIA
(adding squeaking)
You know, I could never talk like this before.  Brittany tried to teach me how to talk like this so I could read to seniors at a nursing home without them wanting to kill themselves, but it didn’t work.

TRENT
(takes a drink)
I can’t imagine a cheerleader knowing much about sound.

DARIA
(puts her arms around Trent’s neck)
I bet you know about a lot of other things besides sound.

TRENT
Daria…

DARIA
When I kissed you yesterday, you seemed to know what you were doing.

TRENT
I know we’re a bit drunk, but—

TRENT
Wow.

DARIA
I’m not drunk, Trent.  I had one sip and spat it back out. ¹⁴

TRENT
But still—

DARIA
Right now I’m doing six things severely out of character for me.  I had to break a lot of inhibitions to do this, which doesn’t exactly make me feel good about myself, so if I’m going to be in Hell, I might as well top it all off with doing something else severely out of character for me that I’ve been wanting to do since Alternapalooza.  This is our wedding night, after all.

TRENT
Huh?

TRENT
Daria, that’s just so stupid jerks leave you alone.  And I could get you pregnant!

DARIA
Trent, I had my period two days ago.  You’re not going to get me pregnant.  And even if you do get me pregnant, we’ll probably be dead in a few days anyway, so what does it matter?  We might as well enjoy ourselves while we still can.  I know I want you, and Jane’s told me a lot that you have a thing for brainy, sarcastic women.

DARIA
(her eyes still closed, moans with pleasure)
Ooh, Trent.  That was…

DARIA
Oh, God, I did do it.  My dream really did come true.

HELEN
(into phone)
I don’t care what he said!  I submitted that affidavit!

ERIC
Helen!  What’s this I hear about you taking a vacation now?

HELEN
(into phone)
Hold on a minute.
(to Eric)
I explained it in the memo.

ERIC
But it’s so soon!  How are we going to handle all the work?  We’re already working near full capacity.

HELEN
I tried calling every wedding chapel I could in Las Vegas, and all that happened was I got laughed at.  My husband and I are taking a flight out there this evening, and if you have a problem with it, I’m quitting this law firm and taking a sizeable fraction of the staff and clientele with me.  Believe me:  I have that much power.  Is that clear?

TRENT
Daria…

DARIA
(monotone)
Save your breath.  I don’t blame you.  I’m just a boyfriend-stealing tramp.
(beat)
You and Monique are “on”; aren’t you?

TRENT
We got engaged a few days ago—

DARIA
So I’m a fiancé-stealing tramp.

TRENT
It doesn’t matter.  It wasn’t your fault.  If I hadn’t gotten drunk…
(beat)
You put the idea of
(beat)
us being together into my head.  I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  If I hadn’t gotten drunk, I wouldn’t have acted that way.

DARIA
It’s not you.  It’s me.  Every decision I’ve made since I overheard Todd has been the proper, rational decision, and I’m ending up miserable—and there’s no end in sight.  It’s only our third day on the run, and look at me.  I look like a dumb bimbo; I can’t wear my glasses in public, so I’m going to have to literally hold onto you because I can’t see much more than a blur without them; I have to imitate an air-head in front of other people; and I’m in constant fear of being discovered by the Mob.  Sure, life in Lawndale was bad, but I was supposed to have gone off to college soon; I had hope for a better situation.  I had friends.  I had family.  But now—God!  I want to kill myself.

TRENT
Daria, not everything’s going wrong.  I’m still with you, even this early in the morning.

TRENT
You still have one person who cares for you and, more importantly, isn’t going to let you out of his sight until we’ve resolved this Todd thing.

DARIA
(mumbles)
That’s really nice of you, Trent.

TRENT
You going to be OK?

TRENT
Good.  Now let’s see about getting you some contacts.

DARIA
Forget it.  I tried wearing them several times after I first got them, and I couldn’t keep the damn things in.  The opthamologist couldn’t do anything to help me.  I’d rather be blind than try wearing those horrible things again.  The best we can do is prescription sunglasses.

TRENT
Then that’s what we’ll do.

TODD
(into phone)
What?

ANGELINA
(into phone)
The good news is that we tracked Morgendorffer and Lane to a hotel in a small town called Lebanon.  The bad news is that they weren’t there and are probably in disguise now.

TODD
(into phone)
And you know this because…

ANGELINA
(into phone; holds up a familiar green jacket)
They left their clothes behind.  And the guy at the desk says they slipped out without paying for the room, so we have no idea what they look like now.

TODD
(into phone)
Disappointing, but not surprising.  Morgendorffer’s no dummy.
(sighs)
I got word from Hank Anderson at Sick, Sad World.   He told me that they’re going to be filming a segment on Morgendorffer and Lane this afternoon and that they’re very interested in continuing coverage of the story.  Follow the show.  It may be flaky, but they might find something useful.

ANGELINA
(into phone)
Right, boss.

TODD
(into phone)
In the mean time, I want you and Tatum to get down to Vegas ASAP.  Morgendorffer’s aunt claimed that she met Morgendorffer and Lane in Micro, and they claimed they were heading there to get married. ¹⁵

ANGELINA
(into phone)
If they’re in Vegas, we’ll find them.

CLERK
We should have these ready for you in around an hour, Mrs. Lane.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque voice)
Thanks.
(approaches Trent and latches on to him, guiding him towards the exit)
Come on, Trenty.  I know something fun we can do to pass the time.

TRENT
(quietly)
Are you throwing yourself into the part, or are you trying to enjoy yourself?

DARIA
(quietly, deadpan)
I hate you, Trent.

DARIA
(quietly, normally)
I’m getting worried about buying stuff with your credit card.

TRENT
(quietly)
Why?

DARIA
You have to use your real name to use it, we will run up against your credit limit eventually, your parents are probably not reliable about paying bills, and Todd might get it into his head to track us by credit card purchases.

TRENT
Bummer.

DARIA
“Bummer” is right.  I want to get to a clothing store as soon as I can so I can get something less embarrassing to wear, but there’s no point if we can’t pay for anything.

DARIA
What?

TRENT
I just got an idea.
(points to a music store)

DARIA
Won’t that be suspicious?

TRENT
Not if we do it right.

DARIA
You’d better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking…

TRENT
(to an unseen salesperson)
We’ll take this synthesizer, too.¹⁶

DARIA
(monotone)
Forget it.  Having to play an instrument ought to be enough, especially when I was just winging it back in the store.  If those things weren’t so rationally designed, I would have never been able to do that.

TRENT
Come on.  Between the two of us, we need a complete act.  It’ll be better if we both sing.

DARIA
No!  I do not sing, just like I do not dance or strip for strange men.

TRENT
Like you don’t squeak either.

TRENT
You could always do cheers.

DARIA
(deadpan)
Rah rah rah.  Sis boom bah.  Die, Trent.
(beat)
Alright, I’ll sing.  It’ll take more time for me to feel embarrassed enough to kill myself.
(horribly)
Row, row, row your boat…

TRENT
(sighs)
This is going to be a long ride…

JANE
Great.  You’ve broken into my house again.

QUINN
I’m sorry, Janey.  I needed somewhere to think, and it helps to get away from my parents and friends.

JANE
Uh-huh.  You still wondering why cute musicians don’t want to run off to Las Vegas with you?

QUINN
I’m just wondering why Daria ran off with Trent.

JANE
(sighs)
That’s what you get when you repress your feelings:  they come rushing out all at once.  In order to avoid this problem, I just say what I feel .  For example:  get off my bed, Quinn.

QUINN
But it’s not like her.  If she wanted to get married, why bother going to Vegas?  She could have just gone to a justice of the peace.

JANE
Maybe she wanted the whole Vegas wedding experience.  The idea of being married by an Elvis impersonator probably appealed to her twisted sense of humor.  Or maybe it was Trent’s idea.  This isn’t the first time she’s gone along with some stupid idea of his.

QUINN
Yeah, but… it just feels wrong.
(sits up)
Can I use your phone?

JANE
(hands phone to Quinn)
Sure.

RITA
(answering phone)
Hello?

QUINN
(into phone)
It’s me, Quinn.

RITA
(into phone)
Ah, my favorite niece.  Are you feeling better since our last conversation?  You seemed a bit
(beat)
unnerved.

QUINN
(into phone)
I’m fine now.  What exactly did Daria and Trent tell you they were doing when you met them?

JANE
Hey!  That’s a long-distance call!

RITA
(into phone)
Well, I think I already told you about them running off to get married in Las Vegas…

QUINN
(into phone)
Everything.  From the top.

RITA
(into phone)
Well, I saw them, and then I greeted them, and then I asked them what they were doing there.  Daria made some silly joke, and when I insisted that she tell me the truth, Trent told me they were going to Las Vegas to get married.  So—

QUINN
(into phone)
Wait a moment.  What was the joke?

RITA
(into phone)
I’m not sure.  I think she said they were running from someone.

QUINN
(into phone)
The police?  The media?  Trent’s parents?  Organized crime?  Angry fans?

JANE
Blood-sucking aliens from the planet Zippotron!

RITA
(into phone)
I don’t know.  I can’t remember.

DARIA
Let’s just give this whole idea up.  It’s never going to work.

TRENT
Do you have a better idea?  It’s about the only thing you could do indoors without glasses, except maybe play the part of a groupie, and for that you’d definitely need to keep dressing like that.

DARIA
It’s still hopeless.  I’ll play this damned surfboard; all I have to do is rely on my innate sense of pitch and play by ear.  But you can forget me singing.  There’s no way I’m going to get my throat to produce anything decent.

TRENT
You know:  you’d look really hot singing.

DARIA
No.

TRENT
I find singing women really attractive.

DARIA
I am not going to let you turn me into one of your fantasies.

TRENT
It’s what attracted me to Monique in the first place.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!
(improved from the last time, accompanying herself on the keyboard)
Row, row, row your boat…

JANE
Quinn, have I told you yet that I’m glad you’ve decided to haunt Casa Lane?  With the house empty and almost everyone else I consider more or less a friend gone, it’s nice to have some company.  I’m gonna miss having you around all the time when I go off to college in January.

QUINN
Life sucks.

JANE
You’ve been saying that since your sister ran away with my brother.  Since you insist on being in my presence, you’d better be willing to give me something better than that—or at least pose.  Can you look like you’re being attacked by wolves?

QUINN
Everyone’s talking about how my life sucks since that episode of Sick, Sad World aired yesterday.  Sandi’s turned into a pop-psychology freak.  Just because a musician ran off with my sister, she thinks I must be covering up having my ego crushed because he didn’t run away with me.

JANE
Well, you did complain about that.  But don’t worry about Sandi; she’s not so hot.  She was the queen of the geeks before high school.  And not queen of the cool, interesting geeks; she was the bad kind of geek. ¹⁷

QUINN
I got a call from my mom earlier.  She and Dad haven’t found a trace of Daria and Trent in Las Vegas.

JANE
They’ve only been there a week.

QUINN
They visited every single chapel there and still came up empty.  I think Mom wants to throw herself back into lawyer mode and lose herself there.  They’re coming back tomorrow.

BUTT-HEAD
Hey, Beavis?

BEAVIS
What?

BUTT-HEAD
Daria’s mom’s talking to this lawyer dude, and she just said “briefs”.

BEAVIS
Briefs!  Briefs!

QUINN
I’ve been thinking—

JANE
No more makeup tips, please.  I’m happy with my lipstick.

QUINN
About Daria and Trent.  We’ve heard nothing from them, but I think we can do something to find them.

JANE
Oh?

QUINN
Everybody around here has family and friends all over the country.

JANE
And?

QUINN
Maybe we can send them pictures of Daria and Trent, and if one of them sees them, they can tell us.

JANE
(looks at Quinn)
Do you know that deep down you’re really a brain?

QUINN
I’m going to kill you, Jane.

JANE
That’s the spirit!

JANE
(stepping up to a microphone)
Can I have your attention, please?  Hello, people?

QUINN
Quiet!

JANE
You’ve been all called here today to enlist your help.  Three and a half weeks ago, Daria Morgendorffer ran off with my brother, Trent Lane, for reasons unknown.

NICK
Jane, it was obvious they were lying about not being a couple from the way they looked at each other.  They probably eloped.

TIFFANY
But I thought Daria was in love with Jane.

KEVIN
I heard Daria was sleeping with Jane and Trent!

SANDI
Now, what I heard was that Daria was sleeping with Upchuck—

STACY
(shudders)
Ew!

MAX
You’re all wrong!  Daria was clearly insanely in love with Trent, but he was only interested in getting into her pants.  She was willing to do anything for him, and, being the slime-ball we all know he really was, he ran off with her so her parents couldn’t kill him.  Tell him, Jesse!

JESSE
What?

MONIQUE
You idiots!  The red-haired bimbo seduced Trent, not the other way around!  I could tell she was after him from the time she got her navel pierced!

CHRISTMAS (FROM “DEPTH TAKES A HOLIDAY”) LOOK-ALIKE
Red-haired bimbo?  Are you telling us Daria wasn’t really the brain we all thought she was?

JANE
Enough!¹⁹

JANE
We do not know why Daria and Trent ran off, only that they did so.  They were sighted by Quinn’s aunt Rita in a small town called Micro about 250 miles west of here on Monday, August 13th at about seven PM at Catherine’s World Famous Pizza.  Daria and Trent initially claimed that they were running away from someone, but after Rita said she didn’t believe it, they claimed they were running off to Las Vegas to get married.  Soon afterwards, Daria’s parents travelled to Las Vegas in the hopes of preventing the alleged wedding; they found no evidence of the “happy couple” anywhere.

SANDI
Is there some point to all this?

QUINN
We’re worried that Daria and Trent might have not been joking when they said someone was out to get them, so we came up with a plan to help them out.  The first thing we have to do is find them.  A lot of us have family and friends in lots of different parts of the country.  What we want is for all of you to send copies of this
(holds up a picture of Daria and Trent)
to them, telling them to keep a look out for Daria and Trent and to tell us if they spot them.  We’ve scanned a copy of this picture into my computer so we can send it to anyone by E-mail.  If someone does spot Daria and Trent, we plan to send someone to them to find out what’s going on.  Jane’s mom and my aunt Amy have already volunteered to do this.  If we find out that Daria and Trent really are in trouble—

MAX
Of course they’re in trouble!  Daria’s parents are going to kill Trent when they find out how he’s been treating her!

MAX
Ow!  That really hurt!

MONIQUE
If anyone’s going to get killed, it’s going to be Daria when I wrap my hands around her scrawny neck!

QUINN
Stop it!
(beat; calmer)
If we find out Daria and Trent really are in trouble, Jane’s sister has some contacts who can smuggle them out of the country to somewhere safe.

SANDI
That’s a very nice plan, Jane and Quinn, but why do you think we’re willing to help you?

NEVER-NAMED STUDENT #1
Maybe they think there’s a heart somewhere under all that makeup.

NEVER-NAMED STUDENT #2
Big mistake.

ELSIE
If I may, I would like to say something on that matter.  In the interest of finding my younger brother’s ex-girlfriend Daria, I’m offering a reward of five hundred dollars.

ELSIE
When Janey and Quinn came to me with their plan for finding Daria and Trent, I was so moved that I had to help them.  For Daria was a truly wonderful person, filled with such love for—

FEMALE VOICE
Hey!

QUINN
(interposing herself between Elsie and Samantha)
Please, don’t fight!  How can you think of hurting each other over honor at a time like this?  I'm really, really worried about Daria.  For all I know, some crazed psycho killer is trying to slash her up with a big knife!  Can’t you all agree to help us in this one little thing, please?
(starts sobbing)
I just want my sister back.

DARIA
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty.
I feel pretty, and witty, and bright,
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight.
I feel charming.
I feel charming.
I feel charming, so charming I feel
It’s alarming
That I—

TRENT
Daria!
(runs after her)

TRENT
Are you alright?

DARIA
(quietly)
I don’t feel pretty anymore.²¹
(beat)
We are stopping by a drugstore as soon as possible.

TRENT
(quietly)
Oh.

WIND
You fool!  You made the same mistake I made!

TRENT
What?

WIND
Once you get a girl pregnant, they start coming after you.

TRENT
Who?

WIND
Horrible, prehistoric beasts which ruled the Earth for billions of years, keeping the mammals at bay until the last ice age.  They’re called
(dramatic pause)
the nectarines.

TRENT
Do you really expect me to believe that?

DARIA
(out of view)
Damn!  Damn!  Damn!

TRENT
Huh?

DARIA
I’m pregnant, Trent.²³

TRENT
Oh.

DARIA
Is that all you can say:  “Oh”?  Our lives just got a lot more difficult.

TRENT
How?  We’re still on the run from the Mob.

DARIA
Nine months minus, I’d say, about six weeks from now, we’re going to have a baby to take care of, and if you don’t know it already, a baby is a lot more fragile and needs a lot more care than an adult.  Just how do you expect to run all over the country with an infant?

TRENT
I hadn’t thought that far in advance.

DARIA
And before then I’m going to have trouble moving around and won’t be able to get very far from a bathroom.

TRENT
Uh-oh…

DARIA
We have a time limit, Trent.  We have a matter of months before we can’t travel, and if we can’t travel, our chances of having Todd find us go up.  It’s only a matter of time before we become sitting ducks.

TRENT
You could always get an abortion.

DARIA
Yeah, and maybe we’ll also vacation in Europe on what we’re making.
(beat)
And I don’t feel very comfortable with the idea of killing an embryo anyway.

TRENT
Are you sure you don’t want me to get a shotgun and—

DARIA
Trent, I need you.  I can’t afford to have you die on me.  So forget the noble but futile gestures and concentrate on how we’re going to deal with having a baby on the way.

TRENT
You know, we might actually benefit from you getting pregnant.

DARIA
You mean there’s a bright side to this?

TRENT
Consider it part of your disguise.  No one is going to expect you to get pregnant in this part of your life, especially when you’re on the run from the Mafia.

QUINN
I’m busy.

SANDI
(out of view)
This is important, Quinn!

QUINN
I’m doing homework!

SANDI
Quinn, are you OK?  You’re making mistakes with your makeup, and you keep wearing the same outfit over and over again!  How many more times are we going to see you in that pink shirt with a butterfly on it? ²⁴

QUINN
I don’t care.

SANDI
How can you not care?  This is fashion we’re talking about!  You need help!

QUINN
I still don’t care.  Fashion isn’t getting me anywhere.

SANDI
I’m worried about you, Quinn.  I know you’ve been concerned about getting into a good college, but now you’re starting to sound like a crazy person.

QUINN
I’ve spent the past few years trying to be fashionable, and what has it gotten me?  A lot of dates with total losers who want to sleep with me in the back-seat of their parents’ car.  And what did Daria do?  She did whatever she felt like, and lots of cool stuff happened to her, and she met this guitar player who fell so wildly in love with her that they ran off together.  Why bother putting all that effort into fashion when I can channel it into my schoolwork and still get this great-looking guy who isn’t full of himself to be interested in me?

SANDI
You’re definitely crazy.  Please, talk to a psychiatrist.

QUINN
Am I really crazy?
(calls up a picture of Jesse, Max, Nick, and Monique on her computer screen)
This is Mystik Spiral.²⁵   The one who shaves his head is mine.

SANDI
(stunned)
Really?
(beat)
You wouldn’t happen to know if the one with the long hair has a girlfriend?

MONIQUE
(singing—and I mean really singing, not what Trent does canonically)
There’s no place to hide things
Under the bed,
And nowhere to hide from what’s true.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Down here by the floor,
My soul calls out “More!”
But knows that its cry won’t get through.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
I don’t have a headboard
Or box-spring of wire.
My spirit’s hit low altitude.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
The mattress is thin.
It’s itching my skin,
And that isn’t helping my mood.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
Everything, always so low.

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

MONIQUE
(voice over)
From the futon—

JESSE, MAX, AND NICK
(voice over)
From the futon—

DARIA
Just when I thought things weren’t getting any worse, your car had to break down.

TRENT
It’s not like it had much life left in it.

DARIA
Yeah, but it means that we’re screwed when it comes to travel.

TRENT
We could always get it repaired.

DARIA
With what money?  We’re living hand-to-mouth as it is.  Pushing it into the woods was about the only thing we could do with it.

TRENT
Oh, yeah.  How about we just take the bus?

DARIA
I don’t think that’s going to work.  I’m puking and having cravings seemingly at random, and now I’m having motion sickness problems, God only knows why.  I don’t think I can stand being cooped up on a bus that won’t stop every time I’m feeling woozy. ²⁶
(beat)
Aw, Hell!

TRENT
What now?

DARIA
Look.
(points)

TRENT
So what?

DARIA
You remember my aunt Rita?

TRENT
Yeah.

DARIA
She lives here.

TRENT
Damn.

DARIA
I just had to randomize the direction we’d go in each day…

HELEN
Hi, Jake.  No time to rest.  I’ve got a dinner meeting with a client—

JAKE
Helen, can we talk?

HELEN
I’m too busy to stay more than a few minutes, Jake!

JAKE
(stands up and walks over to Helen)
Helen, you’ve been doing nothing but work since
(beat)
that day.  I’m worried about you.

HELEN
(angry)
I’m fine, Jake!

JAKE
(summoning a lot of courage)
You’re not fine.  You don’t sleep.  You don’t eat.  You’re never home.  I think you need to take a vacation.

HELEN
I do not need a vacation!

JAKE
You can’t keep up this pace, Helen!  Even my no-good scoundrel of a father, “Mad Dog” Morgendorffer, petered out on being—

HELEN
This has nothing to do with your father, Jake!

JAKE
Well, what does it have to do with?

HELEN
I want my baby back!  Why did she have to run away like that?  Are we really that bad parents?  Did we pay too little attention to her?  Were we negligent?  Where the Hell did we go wrong?
(cries on Jake’s shoulder)

JAKE
It’s not our fault, Helen.  It’s not your fault.

QUINN
Hi.

SANDI
Quinn, are you alright?  It’s almost as if you’re a brain now.

QUINN
Yeah, I am.  My life is so much better.

SANDI
How can it be better?  You’re no longer the envy of half of Lawndale!  You need a psychiatrist!

QUINN
I’m happy, I’m getting good grades, my parents aren’t complaining about me anymore, and I’ve got a great guy who loves me for who I am, not for how I look—not that I don’t still look hot, of course.  These combat boots do wonders for making the rest of my legs look great.  Or are you just jealous, Sandi?  Can you believe I didn’t have to modify this shirt at all?

SANDI
What would I have to be jealous about?  You need help!

TIFFANY
Bye.

JESSE
Bye.

TIFFANY
(approaching the others)
I love having a guy who thinks like I do.

STACY
Quinn, I just had to thank you for dumping these guys.  We’ve never been happier in our entire lives.

SANDI
That’s it!  I cannot stand around and watch this outright violation of the unwritten rules by which fashionable people live and do nothing.  We cannot have
(faces Quinn)
you being a brain
(faces Tiffany)
and you wearing glasses and dating a guy with rusty pickup truck
(faces Stacy)
and you going steady with three guys at once!

QUINN
What are you going to do, Sandi?  The Fashion Club doesn’t exist anymore, so there are no rules we have to keep.

SANDI
To Hell with you people!  I’m going back to my first love:  chess!²⁷

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
Hey, Trent.  Did you find any work yet?

TRENT
Better:  I found us a gig.  There’s this pub nearby where the manager’s been having trouble attracting customers, so he’s been looking for a band that’ll play anything.  He’s willing to give us a try.

DARIA
What do you mean by “anything”?

TRENT
The audience gives us requests, and we perform them.

DARIA
Um, Trent, do you really think you can do that?  I know I have an eidetic memory, but that’s not a talent I’ve ever heard of you having.

TRENT
Anything I’ve heard, I can play by ear.
(picks up guitar)
Try me.  Name any tune.  I dare you.

DARIA
Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby”.

TRENT
(shudders)
I hope you’re not a fan—

DARIA
I’m not.  I have an eidetic memory:  I remember everything I read or hear.  Can you play it?

TRENT
Listen to this.

TRENT
(as he plays)
Yo, VIP, let’s kick it.
Ice ice baby.
Ice ice baby.
All right, stop, collaborate, and listen.
Ice is back with my brand new invention.
Something grabs a-hold of me tightly,
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.
Will it ever stop?  Yo, I don’t know.
Turn off the lights, and I’ll glow—

DARIA
OK, I believe you.

TRENT
(ceasing playing)
But can you sing anything you’ve ever heard?

DARIA
I feel a gruelling practice session coming on…
(beat)
Just one thing first:  Who did you tell this manager we were?

TRENT
As far as he’s concerned, we’re a married couple, Clyde and Lola Winters.

DARIA
Lola Winters?  You moron!  My middle name is “Lola”.  I can’t use that name!

TRENT
(scratching his head)
No wonder it seemed familiar.  It certainly fits the way you look now.

DARIA
I’m beginning to regret I ever told you.  Even Jane doesn’t know.

TRENT
Well, that’s the beauty of it:  No one is going to think you’re you using that name.

TRENT
This is it.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Eep!

TRENT
What’s the matter?

DARIA
(quietly)
A couple of years ago, I wrote a musical in which a hurricane strikes Lawndale.

TRENT
(quietly)
You know, that really turns me on for two different reasons.

DARIA
I’ll sing it for you later.  In this musical, the character based on me claims she always knew in what place she would die, and that pub has the same name.

TRENT
Oh.

DARIA
Sorry about this.  I’m just a bit unnerved.

TRENT
It’s OK.  This town’s starting to creep me out, too.  So let’s just get this gig over with for today.

DARIA
Fine.

DITZ
Brittany!
(embraces Daria)
It’s been so long. You look great!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, I’m not Brittany.

DITZ
(releasing Daria)
Oh, sorry.  You look so much like my cousin, down to her taste in clothing.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you have as much in common with me as she does.
(beat)
Oh, I’m Clementine Graham.

DARIA
Lola Winters.  It’s so nice to meet a kindred soul,
(grabs onto Trent)
but Clyde and I are here to perform. ³⁰

TRENT
Hey.

DARIA
He plays the guitar, and I play keyboard.

CLEMENTINE
Oh, that’s too bad.  Maybe I’ll catch you between sets.

DARIA
(a bit forced)
Sure!

CLEMENTINE
Bye for now.
(wanders off)

DARIA
(strained)
Bye.

TRENT
Was that someone we should be worried about?

DARIA
I don’t know.
(beat)
Weren’t you going to introduce me to the manager?

TRENT
Yeah.
(sights someone)
I see him…

TRENT
Hey, John.  This is my wife, Lola.

DARIA
Hi!

JOHN
Well, hello there.  Aren’t you a pretty, little thing?  Clyde here tells me you’re quite a singer.

DARIA
I was in the glee club in high school.

JOHN
Well, if you’re half as good as he claims, you two are hired as a regular gig.  Why don’t we get you two set up…

TRENT
Hi.  I’m Clyde.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
And I’m Lola!

TRENT
And we’re here to perform any song you want.

DARIA
And we mean anything!  You name it, we sing it.

TRENT
Do we have any requests?

TRENT
You in the green sweater.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
(twirling a pigtail about a finger)
I don’t think I’ve ever heard that played in a pub before.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Who cares?  You look like Britney Spears, so it seems appropriate.

DARIA
(joining in, her singing and playing considerably improved)
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby.
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go,
And now you’re out of sight, yeah.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because…
My loneliness is killin’ me.
I must confess I still believe.
When I’m not with you, I lose my mind.
Give me a sign; hit me baby one more time!
Oh baby, baby, the reason I breathe is you.
Boy, you’ve got me blinded.
Oh, pretty baby, there’s nothin’ that I wouldn’t do.
That’s not the way I planned it.
Show me how you want it to be.
Tell me baby ’cause I need to know now, oh, because…
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know,
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you go?
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killin’ me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here,
And give me a sign; hit me, baby, one more time.
I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now.
Don’t you know I still believe
That you will be here?
And give me a sign…
Hit me, baby, one more time!

DARIA
Thank you!  Thank you!  Next request, please.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
One more time!

TRENT
You, up front, in purple…

TRENT 
(and he can actually sing now!)
Hello, hello, hello; I don’t know.
Hello, hello, hello; I don’t know.
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous.
Here we go now; entertain us.
I feel stupid and contagious.
A mulatto, an albino,
A mosquito, my libido.
Yeah, yeah.

TRENT
Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
We’ve had such a great time!  We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

JOHN
That was great!  You kids are hired.

DARIA
Thanks!

TRENT
You won’t regret it, man.

JOHN
I knew the aliens wouldn’t let me down.

TRENT
Aliens?

DARIA
Icky, green monsters?  Ew!

JOHN
They’re not icky at all.  They give me all my best business advice.

TRENT
Whatever you say.

JOHN
Why don’t we go into my office, Clyde, and discuss the terms of your contract?  The aliens gave me a proposal I think you’ll like.

TRENT
Cool.

DARIA
Um—

JOHN
Don’t worry your pretty, little head about it, Lola.  Why don’t you go enjoy yourself in the meantime?  Anything you want, on the house.

DARIA
(resigned)
OK.

CLEMENTINE
That was so wonderful the way you sang.

DARIA
Oh, thank you!

CLEMENTINE
I was thinking:  since you’re not Brittany Taylor, maybe you’re related to her.

DARIA
Brittany Taylor?

CLEMENTINE
She’s my cousin on my father’s side.  You know her?

DARIA
(twisting her hair around her finger)
I think Clyde and I met her passing through Lawndale.

CLEMENTINE
Yes!  That’s where she lives!  It’s such a wonderful place…

CLEMENTINE
… but my dad and his brother had this big fight, which went way back to their childhoods…

CLEMENTINE
… but his taste in, well, everything was always so gauche…

CLEMENTINE
… but he was such a jerk!
(beat)
Where were we again?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, I think it was your neighbor three houses down the street.

CLEMENTINE
Oh, yes.  So he went to Peterson and said—

TRENT
Hey, Lola.  It’s about time we got back to work.

CLEMENTINE
Aw, that’s too bad.  Maybe we can continue tomorrow.

DARIA
(strained)
Sure.

DARIA
Get me some Pop Rocks and a two-liter bottle of Coke, Trent.  I’m going to kill myself.³¹

TRENT
It couldn’t have been that bad.

DARIA
You weren’t there for that whole hour Clementine was talking.  If you thought some of the music we had to perform was bad, that was nothing compared to her.  That woman is the worst gossip I have ever met; in one hour she must have told me about half of the people in the state, including us.  If it wasn’t for us having to play a second set, I would have had to kill her.

TRENT
Sorry to hear about that.  Who is she, anyway?

DARIA
Brittany Taylor’s cousin.  High school senior, epitome of no taste in literature, and music nut.

TRENT
Brittany Taylor’s the bimbo whose appearance you copied?

DARIA
Yeah.  And this one’s worse.  She’s a deconstructionist. ³²

TRENT
If Clementine’s such a pain to be around, why didn’t you tell her to shove off or something?

DARIA
I would have loved to tell her to get lost and be gone forever, ³³ but I couldn’t imagine Lola behaving otherwise, being allegedly interested in makeup and clothing and, um, guys.  Before I knew it, I was trapped talking to the Bottomless Throat.

TRENT
Maybe she won’t show up tomorrow at Nowheresville.

DARIA
Perhaps.  But she is taking me clothes shopping tomorrow.  She just had to notice that I was showing and my clothes were starting to get too tight—as if they hadn’t been too tight already.

TRENT
Well, you do need maternity clothes, and I don’t see how you can pick them out alone when you can’t really see what you’re doing.

DARIA
Yeah, but it didn’t have to be her helping me.  You at least don’t have to deal with a perky pea-brain when searching for an apartment…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
How does this look to you?

CLEMENTINE
Turn around and see for yourself.

DARIA
It stands proudly and says, “I am”.

CLEMENTINE
You see!  I told you it was a good combination.

DARIA
But I’m more of a yellow and blue person.

CLEMENTINE
With your skin, eye, and hair color?  I don’t think so…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.  Are you OK?

DARIA
No.  I’ve condemned myself to a life of misery.

TRENT
What?  You’ve already made an enemy in Leeville?

DARIA
Worse:  I’ve made a friend.

TRENT
I take it you haven’t managed to tick off Clementine yet.

DARIA
No.  Please push down on the pillow until I suffocate.

TRENT
Daria, you know I can’t kill you.

DARIA
Why not?  Being around her is being in Hell.  The most intellectual discussion we’ve had is on whether or not I look good in yellow and blue.  I finally managed to justify to her that I look best in blue and purple.

TRENT
Actually, I think you’d look better in green.

DARIA
Never do that to me, Trent, especially when it interferes with my disguise.  You know I have trouble resisting.  I already let you turn me into a singer and musician, and I never fought your pathetic excuses why you wouldn’t take me to a thrift shop so I could change my look to something less embarrassing.  Don’t push your luck.

TRENT
Sorry about that.  Wait a minute:  how would you know what you look good in?  You never showed much fashion sense back in Lawndale.  Not that you didn’t look good then…

DARIA
I was fashion editor of the school newspaper at Highland High.  I’ve read enough on the subject to run circles around Quinn if I wanted to.  My look in Lawndale was deliberate.

TRENT
Hmm.  So what now?

DARIA
(sighs)
Since you won’t kill me and I’ve created my own Hell, I guess I’m going to have to live in it.  At least discussing fashion is better than gossiping…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Hi, everybody!  We’re Lola and Clyde.

TRENT
What’ll tonight’s first song of be?

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER IN AUDIENCE
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
But we played that one last night.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
So what?  I like that song.

DARIA
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby…

HIKER #1
What in tarnation is this car doing out here?

HIKER #2
I dunno.

HIKER #3
Alright!  Take a look at this!
(points to the bullet holes in the side of the car)

PEABODY
(monotone)
Oh, dear.  This can’t be good.

DARIA
… In the Garden of Eden, honey,
Don’t you know that I love you?
In the Garden of Eden, baby,
Don’t you know that I’ll always be true?
Oh, won’t you come with me
And take my hand?
Oh, won’t you come with me
And walk this land?
Please take my hand!

TRENT
Thank you!  We’ve enjoyed playing “play that tune”.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
You’re such a wonderful audience!

TRENT
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

TRENT
You really need… to find a better way to evade… Clementine.

DARIA
I know… this is indecent… in public, but… unless we can… find a decent excuse… for leaving the… premises during… the break, I’m… going to have to… talk to her… if we can’t… do this.

TRENT
We could... always go into the... alley out... back and—

CLEMENTINE
Lola, I’m really sorry to disturb you, but you’ll never guess what I’ve just heard!

CLEMENTINE
A friend of mine and some friends of his found Trent Lane’s car abandoned in the woods right outside of town—and there were three bullets in the side of the car!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
That’s the grunge guitarist who ran off with his sister’s best friend?

CLEMENTINE
Yes!  Isn’t it scary?  To think that there might be the Mob or a gang operating right here in Leeville!

DARIA
Clementine—

CLEMENTINE
Like, I know this Daria was supposed to be this arrogant jerk who looked down on everybody and her boyfriend was a lazy bum who slept all day, but that doesn’t mean they deserved to die!  Oh, why do these horrible things happen keep happening around here?

DARIA
(with difficulty)
Calm down!  Like, I know this is all painful and stuff, but it’s not your fault.  We still don’t know what happened to Daria and Trent.  Yeah, maybe they are dead, but maybe they’re OK, living somewhere we don’t know.  You can’t just assume the worst.

CLEMENTINE
Thanks, Lola.  You’re really smart.

DARIA
(mumbles)
Don’t mention it.  Please.

CLEMENTINE
But if Daria and Trent are still alive, maybe they’re in big trouble.

DARIA
Perhaps, I don’t think there’s much we can do about it…

DARIA
(putting down her synthesizer; putting on her regular glasses)
Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot?  I can’t be myself in public, and then I screw everything up by showing some intelligence and injecting some common sense into a panic situation.
(flops face-down on the sofa)
I might as well put a sign on my back saying, “kill me, Todd”.

TRENT
(putting down his guitar)
It can’t be that bad.  Remember that Clementine’s not particularly bright.

DARIA
Yeah, but she isn’t Tiffany either.

TRENT
Which one was Tiffany again?

DARIA
A walking Barbie doll.  Fashion Club treasurer.  Barely literate.  Has a paranoid fear of looking fat.  No sign of higher brain functions.  Clementine, by contrast, is getting decent grades.

TRENT
(pulling Daria into a sitting position and sitting down next to her)
Oh, yeah.  But maybe she thinks a lot of people are smart who pale in comparison to you, even when you’re too groggy to know what’s going on two inches in front of your face.

DARIA
I hope you’re right, Trent.  I hope you’re right.

TRENT
(casually putting his hand on Daria’s thigh)
That’s nothing.  Clementine did mention my car being found in the woods.

DARIA
Argh!  Now there’s no way we can reclaim it without turning ourselves in for police protection.  We really are trapped in Leeville.

TRENT
We could always hitchhike.

DARIA
That’s risky.  I’m not ready to bet my life on it yet.

JAKE
Hey there, uh, um, do I know you?

MONIQUE
The name is Monique Martin.  Where’s Jane Lane?

JAKE
She’s upstairs, in Quinn’s room, but—

JANE
OK, so Daria, angry because she discovered that she didn’t get as much scholarship money as she thought she was getting because Ms. Li had sabotaged her transcript due to their mutual animosity, marches into Ms. Li’s office, threatening to get the money by lawsuit.  Ms. Li, being irritated one time too many by our favorite cynic, pulls out a gun and threatens to blow Daria away.  Daria flees, runs out into the school parking lot, and jumps in Trent’s car.  Ms. Li, following, fires three times at Daria.  Trent pushes her out of the way, saving her from certain death.  Daria, remembering that I’m going to beat her silly if she doesn’t confess to Trent how she feels about him, thanks our favorite bad guitarist for saving her life and says to him those three magic words:  “I love you”.  Trent then confesses his love for Daria, and the two of them run off to Brazil to live happily ever after.  And Ms. Li, wanting to get rid of the evidence, dumps the car in the woods.  Now will you please come over to my house so I can paint you for my nude painting class?   I was going to have Tiffany pose for me, but her mother found out and told me to stay away from her.  I also thought I’d be able to get Cindy to pose for me, but now she’s too “busy”, something about putting together called “Harpies Records”.

QUINN
If you want to sweet-talk me into taking off my clothes, it’s going to take a lot more than a silly scenario.  Let’s start with—

QUINN
Hey!

MONIQUE
(entering the room)
What the Hell did you tell the police, Lane?

JANE
What the Hell are you talking about, Martin?

MONIQUE
Some hikers found Trent’s car in the woods near Leeville.  There were three bullets in the side of the car.  Who put it in the pigs’ heads that I might have something to do with Trent and the misery slut’s disappearance?  They kept me in custody for three hours before they figured out the bullets didn’t come from my gun!

JANE
Gee, since I know I didn’t, my guess is that since you were Trent’s ex-girlfriend—

MONIQUE
(showing off an engagement ring)
That’s “fiancée”.  He proposed to me.

JANE
Fine.  Since you were Trent’s fiancée, you have a gun, and, as everyone on the planet now knows by now, you hate Daria’s guts, the cops probably figured that you had a motive.

QUINN
Why wouldn’t they suspect you?  You’re just plain mean.

MONIQUE
Shut up, pip-squeak.

QUINN
Hmph!

JANE
Besides, it’s Samantha and April who made the anonymous phone call.

MONIQUE
Damn it!  How long are they going to be trying to make my life a living Hell?

JANE
Listen:  if you want to do something better than yell at us or kill the other Harpies, you can go to Leeville yourself and see if can find Daria and Trent around there.  You know Quinn and I can’t; I have to hitchhike my way back to Boston tomorrow, and Quinn here has class.  Who knows?  You might be able to yell at the one you keep blaming for your man troubles.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Hello?

TATUM
(into phone)
Louis, it’s Tatum.

LOUIS
(into phone)
What’s up?

TATUM
(into phone)
Angelina and I had to go out of town suddenly.

LOUIS
(into phone)
New lead on Morgendorffer?

TATUM
(into phone)
Yeah.  Something on the news about Lane’s car being found right outside of Leeville.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Good luck.

TATUM
(into phone)
Thanks.
(beat)
I was wondering:  would you mind watering my plants while I’m gone?  I would have asked before I left, but Angelina and I were in a hurry.

LOUIS
(into phone)
No problem.
(beat)
We still on for Saturday?

TATUM
(into phone)
Assuming we’re back by then, sure.

LOUIS
(into phone)
Take care, honey.

TATUM
(into phone)
Bye-bye.

CLEMENTINE
(hostile)
Hello, Monique.  I see you haven’t changed.  Still stealing boyfriends, I assume?

MONIQUE
I’m not here to see you, Clementine.
(pulls a picture of Daria and Trent out of her pocket and shows it to Clementine)
Have you seen either of these people recently?

CLEMENTINE
I don’t think so.³⁴   Did you steal that woman’s boyfriend, too?

MONIQUE
Will you just get over it?  The guy was way too old for you anyway.  Has anyone recently arrived in town?

CLEMENTINE
Well, Clyde and Lola Winters moved here about a month ago.

MONIQUE
Who are they?

CLEMENTINE
The performers on stage.

MONIQUE
Is this Lola intelligent?

CLEMENTINE
Well, she helps me and other people out with personal problems and knows a lot about clothes and stuff like that, but she’s not book-smart like us.

MONIQUE
You book-smart?  Give me a break.  You thought Moby Dick was good.

CLEMENTINE
But it is!  All that stuff about how to kill whales is really symbolic about the torment in the human soul. ³⁵

TRENT
Thank you, everybody!  Nowheresville audiences are the best!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.  See you then.

CLEMENTINE
Why are you so interested in Lola, Monique?

MONIQUE
(snapping out of staring at Daria and Trent)
What?  Uh, never mind.  She’s not who I’m looking for, no way in Hell.
(exits)

PEABODY
What was it with the Misery Chick?  I haven’t seen her in years.

CLEMENTINE
I don’t know.  Monique wanted to know about people who were new in town and wanted to know especially about Lola.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Must be getting paranoid.  I know she was worrying about Daria seeing Trent secretly back before they disappeared.

PEABODY
Fifty dollars says she murdered them both and buried their bodies in the woods.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(shakes Peabody’s hand)
You’re on.
(checks her watch)
Aw, Hell.  I’ve got to get back to Lawndale.  See you later, Party Animal.
(kisses Peabody and exits)

CLEMENTINE
What does she see in you, anyway?

PEABODY
(pure deadpan)
She says I make her smile.³⁶

ANGELINA
(looking at Daria and Trent)
That’s disgusting.  Are you really sure that’s her?  I can’t see Daria doing that even with a gun to her back.  I’d even bet money on it.

TATUM
If she is Morgendorffer, she’s sunk to a new low.  We’ll just have to find out the hard way…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Please!  Don’t hurt me!

TATUM
Shut up, or I’ll kill you!
(examines Daria’s hair)
Damn it!  She’s the wrong one!  Her roots are blond!

ANGELINA
Told you.  When am I getting my fifty bucks?

TATUM
Talk to me later.
(to Daria)
You even think of looking up before we’re long gone, and you’ll be wiped off the face of the Earth so fast that you won’t even feel the bullet hit you.  Is that clear?

DARIA
Yes!

TATUM
Good.

PEABODY
Watch where you’re going, you stupid cow.
(walks away)

GUY #1
Are you OK, Lola?

GUY #2
We saw the whole thing.  Peabody can be a real jerk sometimes.

GUY #3
Do you want us to beat him up for you?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
That’s not really necessary, guys.

GUY #3
It is if you want us to.  We’re your biggest fans.  We’d do anything for a hot babe like you.

DARIA
No thanks, guys.  I don’t think Peabody really deserves it.
(walks away)

GUY #1
(to guy #3)
Idiot.

GUY #3
What?

GUY #2
You scared her off, stupid.  How are any of us going to score with her when you don’t have any tact?

STONED GUY #1
Are you guys really stupid enough to think you have a chance of sleeping with Lola Winters?

GUY #2
What’s so stupid about that?

STONED GUY #2
Didn’t you notice the wedding ring?  Or the fact that between sets she lets her husband do anything he wants with her?  How many women do you know who’ll let their husbands put their hands in their clothes in public or what Rhonda said she saw them doing in the alley out back?  She’s so crazy about him that she’d never cheat on him.

GUY #1
Oh, come on!  Don’t you know about these show-business types?

STONED GUY #2
What about them?

GUY #3
They have insatiable sexual appetites.  One man can’t be enough for her.

STONED GUY #1
Fifty dollars says these guys will get beaten up by Clyde within the next three months.

STONED GUY #2
No bet, man.  I give it a 95% chance of happening.

DARIA
Trent, I had a close call today.  Angelina and Tatum jumped me in the restroom.

TRENT
Damn.

DARIA
The only reason they let me go is because my hair has blond roots.  They must have been expecting red.

TRENT
So we’re safe?

DARIA
For the moment.  Assuming that Todd and company don’t figure out my hair’s supposed to be this color.

TRENT
That’s a relief.
(beat)
Oh, I think I saw Monique in the audience wearing her “I don’t want to be noticed” outfit.

DARIA
Wait a moment.  What outfit is that?

TRENT
Back when I was in high school she dressed pretty much like you used to.  She still dresses like that sometimes.

DARIA
Do I see a pattern emerging?

TRENT
Well Monique and the rest of the Harpies are a lot like you.

DARIA
Even Cindy?

TRENT
Especially Cindy.

DARIA
I feel really flattered now.

TRENT
Hey, don’t put yourself down, Daria.  Cindy doesn’t care about people like you do.  She can do lots of bad stuff without feeling bad about it.  I’ve heard she was sleeping with that troll-like guy for money or something…

DARIA
(“let’s not go there”)
Trent, what was Monique doing in Nowheresville.

TRENT
I think she was talking to Clementine.

DARIA
Any idea why she was doing that?  You know her a lot better than I do.

TRENT
I wish I knew.  I guess we’re now going to have to find somewhere else to live.

DARIA
I’m not sure that’s a good idea.  Angelina and Tatum definitely suspected I really was Daria Morgendorffer.  I’d think they’d be very suspicious if we suddenly disappeared, which would definitely attract the attention of the media.  If they ever found us again, they might figure I’ve been dyeing my hair much of my life and kill me.  I say we stay.

TRENT
Yeah, but Monique has a gun, and she suspected something was going on between me and you.  I say we go.

DARIA
Did she ever shoot anyone?

TRENT
Naah, but it always took hours to break up with her, and sometimes she’s gotten into fist-fights with the other Harpies fighting over me.

DARIA
I’d rather be punched than shot.  We stay.

ANNOUNCER
He’s a nearly broke rock musician.  She’s a high-school brain who had a crush on him but could never tell him she loved him.  Six months ago they disappeared, and now his car is found in the woods with bullets in the side of it.  New theories about their disappearance, on the next Sick, Sad World.

UPCHUCK
As one of the smartest people in Lawndale and an expert on Daria Morgendorffer, I have a unique perspective on the disappearance of her and Trent Lane.  After a careful analysis of all the data, I have concluded that Morgendorffer and Lane are trying to give the appearance of having been murdered.  Consider this scenario:  Morgendorffer, as is now well known, was madly in love with Lane, and she offered to be his love-slave if he could take her away from Lawndale and all the pain it holds for her.  Unable to resist, Lane purchased a gun on the black market, put three shots into the side of his own car, and ditched the car in the woods.  The police thus potentially distracted, he and Morgendorffer fled to Rio, where she now waits on him day and night, dressed only in sexy lingerie.
(growls)

DARIA
Don’t even think of it, Trent.  I’m still dressing like this, I’m still in your lap, and I’ve let you do almost anything you’ve wanted with me in public already.  There isn’t much more you can get me to do.

TRENT
(smirks)
What?  I was just going to ask if wanted me to bring you Upchuck’s severed head as a token of my affection.
(laugh/cough)

DARIA
(snuggling up to Trent)
Well, in that case…

DARIA
(lowers her hands, to herself)
Can’t look like I’m trying to feel my way around.

DARIA
Ow!
(breathes out)
I have to be careful.  I don’t want to have to cover up bruises with makeup.

DARIA
(shaking her head)
Get a grip of yourself, Daria.  You’re not Quinn.

DARIA
(bumping into the sofa)
Ow!

TRENT
Um, what are you doing, Daria?

DARIA
Trying to get used to walking around using only what minimal information my naked eyes give me.

TRENT
Why?

DARIA
I’m bored out of my skull, and the good soap operas don’t start for another two hours.  I might as well use the time doing something that could prove useful.

TRENT
You could always practice.

DARIA
I’m bored with that, too.

TRENT
There has to be something else you can do.

DARIA
In the past two weeks, I’ve also gone through my wardrobe a dozen times and played around with my hairstyle and makeup more times than I can remember.  I just caught myself admiring my own appearance in the mirror.  We really don’t have anything here to read, and I’m out of ideas of what to write about—and whatever I do write about turns to sludge anyway.  I can’t really go anywhere else without you or Clementine, and when I do, I’m helpless because I can’t see anything clearly.

TRENT
You could always take a nap.

DARIA
Trent, what do I have to tell you all the time?

TRENT
“Go to the store.  I have a craving for salad with creamy Italian dressing.”

DARIA
Besides that.

TRENT
“Stop looking at me like that.  I don’t dress like this so you can enjoy looking at me.”
(chuckles)
Yeah, right.  As if you hadn’t already admitted you chose your original “cheerleader” outfit so you’d have a chance to—

DARIA
(irritated)
Trent, what do I have to tell you all the time about sleeping?

TRENT
(sighs)
“Don’t even think of sleeping any more than you actually need, and that means eight hours a night and no time during the day.  We have to be ready to run for our lives at a moment’s notice, and we can’t run if we’re asleep.”
(clearly enjoying how Daria looks)
At least I’ve got a reason now to stay awake.

DARIA
(sighs)
I suppose there’s one thing I can do to.

TRENT
What’s that?

DARIA
Put down the guitar, Trent.

TRENT
Why?

DARIA
Just do it.

TRENT
(pushing her away)
I don’t mind the attention, but this just isn’t like you, um, at this hour.

DARIA
What are you going to do?  Get me pregnant again?

PEABODY
Ow.  Watch where you’re going, stupid.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Sorry.

PEABODY
(pure deadpan)
Oh, yeah, like you really mean it.  That’s the way it is with you bimbos:  be careless and assume that if anything goes wrong, you can just smile and make everything better.  Go ahead:  step on the rest of us.
(walks indignantly away)

DARIA
(meekly)
Excuse me.

JERK #1
Well, well, well!  What do we have here?

JERK #2
(giggling)
She looks like a slut!

DARIA
(backing off)
Actually, I’m a musician.

JERK #1
(approaching anyway)
Same difference.  Wanna come with me, little girl, on a magic carpet ride?

DARIA
No thank you.

JERK #2
How about me?

JERK #1
Shut up!  No one wants to sleep with you.
(to Daria)
What do you say?  I can really make it worth your while.

JERK #2
Wow!  I think I saw up your miniskirt!

JERK #2
Uh-oh.
(runs off)

CLEMENTINE
(not noticing jerk #1 on the floor)
There you are!

DARIA
Sorry.  I got lost.

CLEMENTINE
That’s OK.
(leads Daria away)
I just found the coolest skirt…

MAX
OK, but what do we do when if they send in the Army after us?

QUINN
Oh, that’s simple enough.  We take the tank we’ve stolen—

JANE
Oh, are you two still planning your takeover of the World?

QUINN
What do you think criminales do on dates?

JANE
Yeah, yeah, yeah.  That’s what they all claim about Quinn, but it’s not true. ³⁷
(to Quinn)
Congratulations on getting one of Daria’s stories published in The Lawndale Sun-Herald.

QUINN
It was nothing.  They were practically begging to contribute to my “find Daria and Trent” fund after one of their editors read “Student Life at the Dawn of the New Millenium”.  Thanks to them, I can afford to bribe a few more people in a few more states.

JANE
Excellent.  Oh, by the way, I actually got a response back on one of those pictures we sent out.  My third cousin Cherry Lane reported seeing Daria and Trent in Dar es-Salam and sent me a photo.
(produces a photograph and hands it to Quinn)

QUINN
But this is a picture of two goats!

JANE
I know.  Did I mention that Cherry is an opium addict?

DARIA
(out of view, cheering)
Give me an L!  Give me an I!  Give me an O!

DARIA
(out of view)
Give me an N!

TRENT
Daria?

DARIA
(out of view)
Give me an S!

DARIA
What does that spell?  Lions!  Lions!  Lions! Go, Lions!

TRENT
Daria?  Daria?

DARIA
Trent, was I sleepwalking?³⁸

TRENT
I suppose so.  You were cheerleading.

DARIA
My life just reached a new low.
(beat)
Uh, Trent, would you mind picking me up?  I’m afraid if I move I’ll break something.

TRENT
Sure.

DARIA
Thanks.
(beat)
Now I know I can degrade myself in yet another way, should the situation call for it.

DARIA
(canonical monotone)
Just what do you think you’re doing?

LOLA
(Brittanyesque)
I’m redecorating.  I’ve got it all planned out:  pink walls, lace curtains, a few stuffed animals, a shrine dedicated to the worship of Trent…

DARIA
You can’t do that.  You’re just a persona I’m using to avoid being killed by the Mob.  You’ve got as much independent existence as a puppet.

LOLA
You’re the persona.  I’m who we really are down inside.

DARIA
You can’t fake intelligence or knowledge.

LOLA
But you can fake cynicism and introversion.  You’re good at it.  You kept it up for years with that bland clothing, no makeup, and a monotone voice.  But why bother when you can be perky and pretty and popular?

DARIA
I want to be loved for who I am, not for how much skin I show off.

LOLA
But isn’t how you present yourself a large part of your identity?  We’re already a nice chunk of the way to admitting that I’m who we really are deep down inside.  It’s not like this is new to us.

DARIA
Go to Hell!

JANE
Don’t let the bimbo win!  You can beat her!  I know you can!

TRENT
Are you alright?

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
What am I doing, Trent?  I think I’m losing myself in the part.

TRENT
I don’t understand.

DARIA
Ever since we started working at Nowheresville, we’ve had to pretend to be Clyde and Lola for hours on end, sometimes all day.  Clyde is basically you with brown hair and a full beard, but Lola’s radically different from me.  And I think I’m actually starting to turn into her.

TRENT
That’s ridiculous.

DARIA
Even when we’re alone, my voice is higher pitched than it used to be, I’m using fewer sarcastic comments, and I’ve even caught myself twirling my hair around my finger.  I’m not reading anything worthwhile anymore, I’ve been watching soap operas, my writing has turned to mush, I can’t walk by a clothing store without wondering if there’s anything in there on sale, and whenever I see you, I instantly get the urge to suck face.  I’m actually starting to like talking to Clementine.

TRENT
Daria…

DARIA
What’s going to happen to me if we don’t get back on the road soon?  I don’t even want to think about it.

TRENT
Listen to me:  I love Daria, not Lola, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you find yourself again.  I’ll go get you some decent used copies of the classics and some writing stuff, and you can work on being Daria Morgendorffer within these walls.

DARIA
But you hate bookstores.

TRENT
If you need it, I’ll do it.

DARIA
But what if it’s not enough?  I don’t want to turn into Brittany’s twin!

TRENT
If it helps, I don’t like Lola.  She looks nice, but Daria’s the one with the great ideas that really turn me on.

DARIA
(catching herself)
Stop it, Lola.
(beat)
Wait a minute…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
(sitting up)
Hey.

TRENT
Writer’s block?

DARIA
Yeah.  My characters keep turning into overemotional basket cases, screaming idiots, and sexual obsessives.

TRENT
(sits down next to her)
Maybe these will help.
(hands Daria the books)

DARIA
(examing the books)
Ooh.  Mark Twain, William Shakespeare, Beowulf.   You really know the way to a girl’s heart.
(puts down the books, jumps in Trent’s lap and tries sucking out his tonsils, then pushes herself away)
Stop it, Lola!

TRENT
Still fighting the bimbo within?

DARIA
I think the bimbo within is fighting back.
(checks her watch)
Aw, Hell!  Lola’s going to get recess.  Clementine and I are going shopping.

TRENT
(smirks)
Have fun.

DARIA
I doubt it.  I’m too nice a person to be able to strangle Clementine.

DARIA
It’s all about the Pentiums!
It’s all about the Pentiums!
It’s all about the Pentiums!
It’s all about the Pentiums!

TRENT
What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers?  Code crackers?  Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
What??

TRENT
Thank you.  You’re a wonderful audience.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

JOHN
I’ve got great news.  The Leeville Post wants to do a story on us.

REPORTER
Hi.  I’m William A. Yule, entertainment reporter.  I’ve heard about the phenomenal increase in business you’ve brought to Nowheresville.

TRENT
(shaking Yule’s hand)
Cool.

PHOTOGRAPHER
(holding a camera in the standard usage position)
OK, everybody, smile.

TRENT
Excuse my wife.  She’s a bit nervous about certain things.
(runs after Daria)

PHOTOGRAPHER
What was that about?

JOHN
Beats me.  They’re great on-stage, but they’re a bit weird.

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
It took you long enough.

TRENT
I had to apologize for you.  What was that about?

DARIA
The last thing we need is to have our pictures in the media right now.  I decided making a scene was justified while we came up with a more permanent way to avoid being photographed.  If I weren’t six months pregnant, I’d be running to avoid the interview entirely.

TRENT
What’s the problem?  I thought Todd’s minions had decided that you weren’t you.

DARIA
Well, duh!  We still don’t want to remind him that we’re here; if they think about us too much, they may decide better safe than sorry and finish us off.

TRENT
Out of sight, out of mind?

DARIA
Exactly.  And we don’t want anyone else to know who we really are so that they don’t tip off Todd accidentally.  I’m not entirely comfortable about us performing in public in the first place, but given that we can’t live on one income at minimum wage, it’s a chance we’ll have to take.

TRENT
So what now?  You have some reason to claim to be afraid of cameras?

DARIA
Yeah.  It’ll sound stupid,³⁹ but that’s Lola for you.  Go out there and tell John and his new-found friends that I have a paranoid fear of cameras of all types.

TRENT
What?

DARIA
I’ll “reluctantly” make up a story.  Tell them I’m too scared to come out unless they first send the photographer and his equipment away.

TRENT
Are you sure about this?

DARIA
Positive.

TRENT
If you say so…

TRENT
I’m sorry about that, but Lola has this fear of cameras.  She can’t stand to be in the same room as one.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Is she afraid if I take her picture I’ll capture her soul?

TRENT
She never really explained it to me.  I was afraid I’d bring up some bad memories if I asked her.
(specifically to the photographer)
She asked that you and your camera leave if she’s to do the interview.

YULE
I think I can live with that.

PHOTOGRAPHER
What am I supposed to do in the mean-time?

JOHN
There’s a video arcade with a vintage Pac-Man machine two blocks from here.

PHOTOGRAPHER
(not happy)
Whatever.
(exits)

TRENT
The photographer’s gone.

DARIA
Thanks.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
I’m sorry about running off like that, but I’m, like, really camera-shy!

JOHN
How come?  I don’t see why it wouldn’t be any different from performing for an audience:  if you feel nervous at all, you just imagine them in their underwear.

DARIA
Ew!  I mean:
(with feigned difficulty)
I’ve been that way ever since my dad’s video-camera blew up.  His face never looked the same again.

JOHN
Ugh!

YULE
It’s alright.  I can’t imagine anyone holding it against you.  I’m just here to find out a little about you two and your act.

DARIA
I suppose so.

TRENT
Sure…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
… It’s really been a lot of fun here, making people happy and singing great music.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
I think we’ve heard enough of that song.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
But I like that song, and you do it so well!

TRENT
But we’ve done it almost every night.  I’d like to see a little more variety.

YULE
(looking Daria over)
Well,you do have this Spearsesque quality, Lola, and if it’s something you perform regularly, I would like to see you sing it, for the sake of the review.

DARIA
Well…

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
I’m going to kill that twerp!

TRENT
Daria—

DARIA
Every single night that tasteless moron has to request the same damned, awful song, and I have to sing it!  And now I get compared to a synthetic bimbo with an inferiority complex!

TRENT
Daria—

DARIA
I’ve compromised my dignity, feigned being a moron, wasted my time with the foolish prattle of Clementine, and what do I get?  “Why don’t you sing ‘Baby One More Time’ one more time?”!

TRENT
Um, your appearance is sort of like that of Britney Spears.

DARIA
Britney Spears wears more clothing than I do!  I usually walk around with bare legs and a bare midriff!  Everyone in the county knows what my cleavage looks like!  If I wore any less, I’d freeze to death and be arrested for indecent exposure!

TRENT
Are you done venting yet?

DARIA
(calmer)
Yeah.  Just stop taking requests from that dweeb.

TRENT
Um, I don’t suppose you realize that dweeb is the only one to make a request for the first song every evening?  It’s sort of a tradition now.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!

HELEN
What have I done to deserve this?  My eldest daughter ran off with a deadbeat musician, and his car was found in the woods with three bullets in the side of it.  Obviously foul play is involved, but I can’t think of anyone who would want to kill my poor baby.  Even Ms. Li doesn’t have a motive.

JAKE
It’s not your fault at all, Helen.  Maybe it’s not even Daria’s fault.

MS. BARCH
Of course it’s Daria’s fault!  Ever since Monique moved to Lawndale from Leeville, she and Trent were going steady, and then he dumped her for a bimbo five years younger!  Daria and Trent deserve to have been shot!

HELEN
How dare you—

AMANDA
Janet, you need to let go of your husband.  He may have caused you a lot of—

MS. BARCH
It’s not my ex-husband!  Timothy dumped me for that no-good, two-timing witch DeFoe!⁴⁰   A lot you know, you granola-eating hippie!

AMANDA
With an attitude like yours, maybe Trent and Daria left town just to get away from you.

HELEN
You do own a gun; don’t you, Janet?

MS. BARCH
Are you implying something?

HELEN
You’d better believe I am…

DARIA
(to herself)
Yes… Yes… I can do this… I can do this…

TRENT
Hey, Daria.

DARIA
(not looking up)
Hey, Trent.

TRENT
How’s it going?

DARIA
Not now…  Not now…  Almost there…  Yes!  I just managed to write a complete story which does not suck!
(cheerleading)
Go, Daria!
(deliberate monotone)
I just had an epiphany, Trent:  Hell is my alter ego.

JANE
Is your Aunt Amy still out of the country?

QUINN
Unfortunately.  She travels a lot in her line of work.

JANE
What does she do for a living again?

QUINN
You don’t know?  She’s a—

SANDI
Quinn, I need help, please!  My popularity is plummeting!   I feel just like the main character in this.
(plops down a printed story titled “I Wish I Were Dead” on the table)
I need to date a musician!

QUINN
No, you don’t.  Stacy’s not dating a musician, and she’s, like, really popular.

SANDI
Those boys have no self-esteem.  I want someone who won’t happily eat a dog biscuit just so I can get a cheap laugh.

QUINN
But we’re out of guys in Mystik Spiral.  I got Max, Tiffany got Jesse, and Nick married his girlfriend.  The only other male musician I’m familiar with is Ted.

SANDI
Ew!  A punk classical oboe-player is an exception to the rule of musicians being cool.

JANE
How about Monique?  She hasn’t seen anyone regularly since Daria nabbed Trent.

SANDI
I am not a lesbian!

JANE
They do say that everyone is really bisexual.  And she is a musician—a very popular musician.  Why don’t you go ask her out?

SANDI
But that idea’s, like, so disgusting!

JANE
Come on, Sandi.  It’s just a matter of getting used to it.  Go on and ask Monique out.

JANE
Hey, Samantha.  Hey, April.

SAMANTHA AND APRIL
(asynchronously)
Hey.

SAMANTHA
Why the Hell would anyone want to ask out a traitor like Monique?

APRIL
You tell her, Samantha.  She makes Cindy look agreeable by comparison—and you know what a back-stabbing slut Cindy is.

JANE
You two still mad that Monique quit the Harpies?

SAMANTHA
It’s worse than that.  We’d been talking about starting a record company for over a year.  Eunice even started courting possible investors.  And then, without warning, Monique abandoned the friends she’s known since she started high school and decided it wasn’t the Harpies she wanted to take into the national spotlight; it was
(with disgust)
Mystik Spiral.

SANDI
Really?

APRIL
She’s mean.  She fought us and Cindy bitterly over Trent, doing everything she could think of to sabotage our dates with him, including setting the restaurant he and I were going to on fire.  She wouldn’t shut up the day he proposed to her.

SANDI
Hmm…

SAMANTHA
Don’t be stupid.  Trust me:  she’s too much for you to handle.  No one can handle her.

SANDI
(standing up)
A lot you know, you goth.  I’ve handled drunken football players.  And if I can handle them, I can handle anyone.

QUINN
I think that thing about everybody really being bisexual is just a myth.  And I’ve never heard of Monique being interested in another woman.

JANE
(big grin)
I know.

APRIL
It’s amazing how easily appearance-obsessives are manipulated.

JANE
Thanks for helping out, guys.

SAMANTHA
It’s nothing.  The World sucks, so if we have to suffer, a little stretching of the truth is a small price to pay to make everyone else suffer with us.

SANDI
Monique, I really wanted to ask you…

MONIQUE
Yes?

SANDI
I was wondering if sometime, um, you know, uh…

MONIQUE
Yes?

SANDI
Excuse me, but I have to go puke.

DARIA
… That’s the way the money goes.
Pop goes the weasel.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Thank you so much!  You’re a wonderful audience!

TRENT
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

DARIA
Thanks.

TRENT
No problem.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Excuse me for a moment.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(holding out a piece of paper and pen to Daria; talking in a Quinnesque voice)
Excuse me, but I’m, like, a really big fan of yours, Mrs. Winters, and I hope you don’t mind, but
(beat)
could I have your autograph?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, sure.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Thanks.  You have no idea how much this means to me.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(usual voice)
Terrible vision.  Looks a little too familiar.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(laughs)
Oh, man!  It is them!  This has to be worth a lot more than what Upchuck’s offering…

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(waving her hands)
My fellow students, may I have your attention, please?  Last night I had a brilliant idea I want to share with you.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Last night, I was inspired.  Ever since that fateful day in August, we have all speculated on the disappearance of Daria Morgendorffer and her boyfriend Trent Lane.

NEVER-NAMED CHARACTER #1
He wasn’t her boyfriend.  He was still dating Monique at the time.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Her crush Trent Lane then.  But that’s beside my point.  So far our speculation has run the gamut from eloping to fugue to alien abduction to kidnapping, and we have passionately argued our cases, sometimes to just shy of the point of violence.  But how strongly do you believe any of this?  Just to make things interesting, how would each and every one of you care to make a little wager on what really happened to Daria and Trent?  I say we form a pool for, say, ten dollars each, winner takes all.
(produces a $10 bill and holds it up for everyone to see)
My money, as of this moment, is on that Daria is pregnant and now looks like a bimbo and frequently sings and plays synthesizer in the evening at a pub, with Trent playing guitar and also singing.

QUINN
That’s just plain pathetic.  Nothing could make her do that.  Put me down for elopement and running off to Montana.

EVAN
I claim kidnapped and sold as white slaves.

THE POPULAR GIRL FROM “THE INVITATION”
They joined a cult!

SANDI
Both of them murdered by Monique Martin!

NEVER-NAMED CHARACTER #2
Daria is now Trent’s love-slave!

NEVER-NAMED CHEERLEADER
They eloped and went to Brazil!

NEVER-NAMED CHARACTER #3
Daria seduced Trent, killed him, and ran off with his money.

TED
They became Amish.

STACY
They’re on the run from the law!

KEVIN
They became bikers!

TIFFANY
Abducted by aliens.

ZACHARY
Guys, this is sick and tasteless.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
(busy writing down Tiffany’s claim on a note-pad)
What should I put you down for?

ZACHARY
Living in sin in Connecticut.

DARIA
… His head was bent in sorrow; green scales fell like rain.
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave,
So Puff, that mighty dragon, sadly slipped into his cave, oh…
Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.
Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.

TRENT
We might actually get you walking around a lot more without holding onto me.  It’s been half an hour since you hit anything.

DARIA
Ow!  Would you mind not reminding me what I’m trying to do?

TRENT
Sorry.

DARIA
It’s not as impressive as it looks.  I think I’m memorizing the apartment.

TRENT
Care to try outside?

DARIA
Do I have bruises on my legs?

TRENT
No.  They look just as nice as they always have.

DARIA
(putting her glasses down on a table, putting her sunglasses up in her hair)
I’m not sure whether to take that as a compliment or a sign I’ve been ogled by you ever since we first met.  When did you first notice my legs looked nice?

TRENT
Um…

DARIA
Let’s just go.  If I look wobbly on my feet, I’ll just claim the baby’s kicking…

TRENT
You OK, Lola?

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Um, yeah…

PEABODY
This is a sad day for all bookstores everywhere.

CLEMENTINE
Why?

PEABODY
That bimbo Lola looks interested in what’s in there.  The next thing we know they won’t be carrying just Waif and Val, but a bunch of other garbage catering to air-heads.  Is no place sacred anymore?

HIKER #2
I thought they carried trashy romance novels, too.

PEABODY
Excuse me while I step out of the way of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

CLEMENTINE
How do you know she’s not just trying to improve herself?  I know she likes Shakespeare’s romances like I do.

PEABODY
I doubt she understands them even on your rudimentary level.
(walks away)

CLEMENTINE
Well, I never!

ROBERT
Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m really not any good at this.  Can’t we just go out for a burger?

SANDI
No!  You have to take an interest in what I like.

ROBERT
But I don’t really understand this game, ma’am.

SANDI
It’s your move.  And don’t even think of moving that rook.  You know I’ll just take it with my queen.

TED
If I may.
(makes a move for Robert)

SANDI
Not bad.
(to Robert)
Beat it, stupid.

ROBERT
(scared)
Yes, ma’am!
(exits)

SANDI
Please, sit down.

TED
Thanks.
(sits down)

QUINN
That’s another twenty you owe me, Jane.

JANE
Aw, Hell!  I haven’t won any bet against you since Ms. Barch was exonerated!

DARIA
… She’s got it.
Yeah, baby, she’s got it.
I’m your Venus, I’m your fire,
At your desire.
Well, I’m your Venus, I’m your fire,
At your desire.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Thank you!  You’re a great audience.

TRENT
We’ll be back in an hour for the second set.

CLEMENTINE
Don’t go into face-sucking mode just yet, Lola.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
We’re throwing a baby shower for you in the back room.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
That’s really not necessary—

CLEMENTINE
(leading Daria away)
Oh, it’s no trouble at all!

PEABODY
Excuse me, but I’m looking for the manager.  Do you know where he is?

TRENT
Did you try his office?

PEABODY
Yes, I did, but he wasn’t there.  I was supposed to interview him for a psychology project.
(beat)
Since Wilcox isn’t here, would you mind if I interviewed you instead?

TRENT
I suppose not, um, what’s your name?  I can never remember.

PEABODY
Peabody.

TRENT
Is that your first or last name?

PEABODY
Both.
(producing a note-pad and a pencil)
So, tell me, Mr. Winters—it is Winters?

TRENT
Yeah.  Clyde Winters.

PEABODY
So, tell me, Mr. Winters, under what circumstances did you meet your wife?

TRENT
Why do you want to know that?

PEABODY
This is a psychology project, Mr. Winters.  I’m supposed to find out why someone is the way they are.  Why you married someone not particularly bright, definitely vain, and fairly careless as well is a mystery, though I have a disturbing hunch.

TRENT
(offended)
This is my wife you’re talking about.

PEABODY
I know.  I have observed her on many occasions at the mall and several times here.  She displays consistent difficulty in navigation, often trying to discretely guide herself with her fingertips or holding on to you.  Usually she walks slowly or just runs into people.  This problem goes away whenever she goes outside and puts on those sunglasses she always wears up in her hair.  My guess is that either she is unusually sensitive to light or is severely near-sighted.  That she doesn’t address this problem indoors indicates that she’s so vain that she’s afraid to be seen wearing glasses in public and is either too stupid or ignorant to get contacts or can’t, and that furthermore she’s definitely stupid enough to endanger her own safety by not being able to tell where she’s going.

TRENT
Wait a minute—

PEABODY
Furthermore, based on what Clementine has told me, Lola has fairly shallow interests, mostly clothes, makeup, highly overrated literature, and a good deal of obsession about you.  Whenever you two are here, you certainly don’t talk much.  Am I correct in assuming that your relationship is mostly physical?  After all, she is a conventionally very attractive woman who wears revealing clothing, seems to enjoy regular face-sucking sessions, and doesn’t mind you feeling her up in public.

TRENT
That has nothing to do with why we got together in the first place.

PEABODY
It’s because you got her pregnant; isn’t it?  And why does a shallow person get pregnant?

TRENT
You really don’t know her at all.

PEABODY
Unless she turns into a totally different person in private, there isn’t much of an explanation other than the one I’ve given you.  Unless you’re vain or stupid yourself…

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
You really didn’t have to do this.

CLEMENTINE
It’s no problem.

CLEMENTINE
I’ve got to get home.  See you tomorrow?

DARIA
Sure.

CLEMENTINE
(exiting)
Bye-bye.

DARIA
See you.

TRENT
What exactly went on at that baby shower anyway?  I’ve never been to one.

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
We sat around, they gave me presents that’ll be useful when the baby comes, we snacked, and somehow we ended up talking about nail polish.  They thought mine went well with my skin tone.  What did you do over the break?  Did you finally have a talk with John’s alien advisor?

TRENT
(casually slipping a hand up the back of Daria’s shirt)
Naah.  John wasn’t around.  This guy called Peabody was looking for him, though.

DARIA
Peabody sounded clinically depressed?

TRENT
Yeah.  You know him?

DARIA
He’s a friend of Clementine’s.  I’ve literally run into him a few times.  He thought I was a careless idiot.

TRENT
He still thinks so.  He wanted to interview John for a psychology paper, but not finding him, he interviewed me instead.  He wanted to know why I married you and ended up lecturing me on how you were stupid, careless, shallow, and, vain.

DARIA
(deadpan)
At least I know my disguise is working.

TRENT
He also noticed you don’t see very well and thought you not wearing glasses indoors was bone-headed.

DARIA
Now that hurts.  You didn’t tell him—

TRENT
I didn’t blow our cover.  I still wanted to kill him, though.  He also thought our relationship was mostly physical.

DARIA
We had that coming; didn’t we, carrying on as we do in public?

TRENT
Yeah.

HELEN
Why are we back here again?

AMANDA
You need to learn to relax more.

JAKE
Yeah!  I remember my father—

JAKE
Sorry.

LINDA
Are you still hung up on your family troubles?

HELEN
What the Hell is your problem, Linda?

LINDA
Oh, I have no problem.  My children are doing wonderfully, especially Sandi.

HELEN
That’s not what Quinn tells me.  Sam and Chris have been torturing the neighborhood pets again; haven’t they?

LINDA
They may be a little bit overactive, but I do know they’re in a lot less trouble than your Daria.  After all, both are still in school and neither has gotten pregnant by their drug-addict boyfriend who obviously was in serious trouble with his supplier.

HELEN
How dare you say such a thing!

LINDA
It’s fairly obvious from Daria’s attitude that her home life was miserable and she needed excitement badly.  It’s obvious from all those stories of hers circulating around town.  There’s no telling to what levels she sank to fulfill her need.

AMANDA
Ladies, please.

LINDA
And what do you think happened to Daria and that lazy son of yours, Amanda?

AMANDA
They fell in love and decided to make a better life for themselves elsewhere.

LINDA
Oh, like that explains why they didn’t even call to say they were OK or why their were bullets in the side of your son’s car.  I can only guess at what the crack dealers did with the bodies.

JAKE
I’ve had enough of this!

HELEN
I’ll handle this Jake!
(punches Linda’s lights out⁴¹ )
Man, that felt good!

AMANDA
Suddenly I feel a lot less negative energy in this room.

JAKE
Good work!  Next round’s on me!

VOICE
(majestically)
O, here is the tale of a valiant man
Who tried to do only the best that he can.
He vanquished from there,
From the place he held dear,
Such a fruit you can hold in your hand.
It was very brave
And completely depraved
And the strangest thing we’ve ever seen,
For he was a man
Who defended his clan
From the terrible nectarine!⁴²

DARIA
Trent!

TRENT
Whoa.  I just had this freaky dream.

DARIA
Forget your nectarine nightmare!  I’m having contractions two minutes apart!  Get me to a hospital!

TRENT
(shocked into consciousness)
The baby!
(jumps out of the bed)

DARIA
(having a Hell of a time keeping up her Brittanyesque voice and totally blowing the persona)
Damn it, Clyde!  I can’t take this!

TRENT
Just keep pushing.

DARIA
I’m in pain, pain like you can’t imagine!

DOCTOR
The head’s coming out.

TRENT
Hey, you’re the one who said we couldn’t afford an abortion.  Now push.

DARIA
I was wrong!  Oh, was I wrong!  I’ve done everything wrong for the past nine months!  I’m a fiancé-thief who never went to college, living in sin with my best friend’s brother, making a living based upon sex appeal, and I’m about to become an unwed mother!  Like Hell I’ve been doing anything right!

TRENT
(to the doctor)
We’ve got a few problems to work out.
(to Daria)
Lola, we’ve been married for some time now.  Push.

DARIA
What the Hell are you talking about?

TRENT
Keep pushing.

DARIA
Stop telling me that!

TRENT
I gave you a ring, and we’ve been posing as a married couple ever since.  Living like one, too.

DARIA
That’s all very nice, except for the question of whether a common law marriage is legal in this state!

TRENT
We’ll make sure everything is legal when we have the chance, I promise you!  Marry me, Lola!

DARIA
You mean it?

TRENT
Yes!  I love you romantically!

DOCTOR
I see a shoulder.

TRENT
Push.

DARIA
I’m pushing, damn it!  I’m pushing!

DOCTOR
The shoulders are out.  And the rest of the baby is sliding right out.

DARIA
You mean it’s over?

DOCTOR
Congratulations.  It’s a girl.  Ten fingers, ten toes, looks perfect.

TRENT
You see?  You must have done something right in the past in the past nine months.  How else could our daughter have turned out OK?

DARIA
Yes, Clyde.  I’ll do it.

TRENT
Huh?

DARIA
Yes, I’ll marry you.  I love you, too.

TRENT
I regret to inform you that Lola and I will not be performing here for the next week—

TRENT
—because early this morning Lola gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Elaine Deborah Winters.

TRENT
In the meantime, taking a special detour from their Ergonomic Amphibian Tour, we have for you Angry Toads!⁴³

TRENT
Treat them as you would treat Lola and me.  We’re looking forward to performing for you again next week.

LEAD GUITARIST
Howdy, y’all.

MANY PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE
Howdy!

LEAD GUITARIST
The head honcho tells me that around here the band plays requests from the audience.

LEAD GUITARIST
You in the green sweater, I see you’ve got yourself a request.

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

LEAD GUITARIST
(to other members of Angry Toads)
Did that there kid just ask for “Baby One More Time”?

TRENT
I still can’t believe it.  Nine months ago, I wouldn’t have believed it if anyone told me I’d be a father about now.  And now we’ve got this little angel, and it’s too good to be true.

DARIA
She is wonderful; isn’t she?  I think she’s got your old sleeping habit.

DARIA
Trent, I’ve been thinking.  We’ve got to reconsider our disguises before Elaine starts talking.

TRENT
How come?  You don’t trust her?

DARIA
I don’t think a toddler really understands enough to know when to not repeat stuff said in private.

TRENT
We could always start calling each other “Clyde” and “Lola” at home, and you could use your cheerleader voice all the time.

DARIA
It’ll have to be more than that.  We don’t want Elaine to tell people I suddenly become a lot smarter once the front door closes, and I certainly don’t relish the idea of pretending to be Lola nonstop, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for maybe the rest of my life, except when we’re being intimate; I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

TRENT
You planning on phasing in Lola becoming less afraid to show she’s not a nitwit?

DARIA
Maybe.  I think I can live with bruising myself just to justify to others wearing my glasses indoors, though I’m not going to do it just yet.  Maybe as an “accident” a month or two from now, something that plausibly makes me “reconsider” my bimbo persona.  I’ll probably never get back to being a “misery chick”, but maybe I’ll be able to walk into a bookstore from time to time…

JANE
Is your Aunt Amy still out of the country?

QUINN
Unfortunately.  She travels a lot in her line of work.

JANE
What does she do for a living again?

QUINN
You don’t know?  She’s a—⁴⁴

SANDI
(out of view)
Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

SANDI
I finally beat you!  Now you have to play the oboe for me!

TED
But I’m not very good at it.

SANDI
That’s not what the other people in the school band tell me…

QUINN
Don’t you owe me twenty dollars?  You said Ted would never play the oboe for Sandi.

JANE
Yeah, but you owe me twenty dollars, too.  You said Sandi would never beat Ted in chess.  For once we’re even.

QUINN
This sucks.

JOHN
Finally, returning to us after an absence of one week, following the birth of their daughter Elaine, Lola and Clyde Winters.

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
Thank you.  Thank you all very much.  I really liked all the cards and flowers you all sent us at the hospital.  I also want to thank those who volunteered to baby-sit for us while we’re performing.  That’ll help us a lot.

DARIA
Since you’re being such a help, Clementine, maybe you could give us the first request of the evening.

CLEMENTINE
How about “Over the Rainbow”?

DARIA
From The Wizard of Oz?

CLEMENTINE
(wistfully)
Yeah.  It’s such a beautiful movie.

DARIA
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high,
There’s a land that I’ve heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
The school year’s almost over, and Mama needs a down-payment for a motorcycle.

NEVER-NAMED GOTH
Hi.  Care for an anonymous tip for a story?  There’s this pub in Leeville you probably want to know about.  The owner gets his business advice from aliens.
(beat)
That’s right.  And you’ll never guess who’s performing there every evening…

JOHN
(into phone)
Hello?

SICK, SAD WORLD REPORTER
(into phone)
Hi.  Matilda Haight calling for Sick, Sad World.

JOHN
(into phone)
Ah, yes.  Great show.  Can’t miss an episode.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
We’ve heard a lot about your pub and are interested in doing a story on it.

JOHN
(into phone)
I’m honored.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
We’re especially interested in reporting on those musicians who perform regularly in your pub, Clyde and Lola Winters.

JOHN
(into phone)
Hold it right there, ma’am.  We’ve got a problem.  Lola’s got this fear of cameras, and that includes video-cameras.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
Are you sure about this?

JOHN
(into phone)
This newspaper reporter came here to interview them, and when Lola caught sight of the photographer that came with him, she screamed louder than a dog with its tail caught in an elevator and headed for cover in the bathroom.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
That’s one Hell of a reaction.  Are you sure there’s no way to film her?

JOHN
(into phone)
I’ll have to consult my business advisor on that, but I’m not optimistic.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
OK.  Call me back at area code 387-555-3847 if you find a way.

JOHN
(scribbling on a piece of paper)
…Three eight four seven.
(into phone)
Got it.  I’ll be in touch.  Take care.

HAIGHT
(into phone)
Bye-bye.

JOHN
John calling Zergo; come in Zergo.  John calling Zergo; come in Zergo.  John calling Zergo; come in Zergo.
(beat)
This is Zergo of Zergotronics Interplanetary, Incorporated.  How may I help you, John?
(beat)
As you have predicted, Sick, Sad World has responded positively to the news of your sage advice and wants to do a story on Nowheresville.  However, Clyde and Lola Winters refuse to be filmed, as Lola has a fear of cameras.  What do I do now?
(beat)
That’s easy enough.  Here’s what you do…

DARIA
… Now for ten years we’ve been on our own,
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be
When the jester sang for the King and Queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me.
Oh, and while the King was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned.
No verdict was returned.
And while Lennon read a book of Marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.
We were singing…

JOHN
Come in.

JOHN
Did it work?

REPORTER
(produces a video-camera from her bag) ⁴⁶
They didn’t suspect a thing…

DARIA
The time has come for Lola to start wearing glasses indoors.  Now all I have to do is bang my leg against the dresser and get a nice bruise I can show anyone who gets too curious.
(beat)
Now if only I can overcome this built-in refusal to cause myself pain.
(beat)
Trent!  Are you sure you won’t hit me with a stick?

TRENT
(out of view)
Positive!

DARIA
But you owe me big time for keeping you from doing stupid things that would have gotten us killed, and having argued you into being responsible for the first time in your life—not to mention that I still look like this.

TRENT
(out of view)
I’m sorry, but I love you too much to hurt you!

DARIA
I don’t suppose you’d be willing, Elaine.

ELAINE
Gah!

DARIA
I suppose not.

QUINN
This sucks.

JANE
School’s out for summer.  We’ve got more time to waste on searching for Trent and Daria.

QUINN
I was talking about this show.

JANE
Just watch the program, Shorty.

ANNOUNCER
(out of view)
Here’s a bar manager who gets his business advice from extraterrestrials in return for a share of the company.  Alien investors, on the next Sick, Sad World.

QUINN
(out of view)
This is the dumbest—

JANE
(out of view)
Sh!

JOHN
It’s all very simple.  It all started one night on a back-road.  This huge, saucer-shaped object landed in front of my truck, and these gray aliens came out.  They didn’t come with a message of peace or try to have sex with me.  What they wanted was for me to found this here pub.

HAIGHT
(out of view)
And found this bar he did, named “Nowheresville” according to their instructions.  Since then, Nowheresville has become one of the most popular bars in Leeville.  Let’s take a look at their most successful innovation.

DARIA
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how
That music used to make me smile,
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance,
And maybe they’d be happy for a while…

HAIGHT
(out of view, as the song continues)
These are Clyde and Lola Winters, a husband-and-wife music team who will perform any song the audience wants to hear.  The crowds love them, and so far they haven’t failed to perform any request except for a few foreign songs.

TRENT
Damn it!  The rodent taped us anyway!

DARIA
(out of view)
Ow!
(beat)
And I didn’t even get a bruise from that.

DARIA
Oh my god!  If we don’t get out of here now, this will be the day that we die.⁴⁷   You up to hitchhiking?

TRENT
You get the baby, I’ll throw some stuff in a bag…

JANE
I think that was Trent under that beard playing the guitar.

QUINN
Yeah, but who’s the keyboard-player?  She’s perky and beautiful and stylish and—
(stretches her neck out to get a better view of the television)
Oh my god!  She’s Daria!

QUINN
It’s not fair!  Not only does she get to run off and marry a musician—

JANE
Quinn—

QUINN
—but she now also gets to be famous!

JANE
Quinn—

QUINN
Why does all the exciting stuff happen to her and not to me?

JANE
For an alleged brain, you’re pretty dense.  She can’t be enjoying herself!  Look at her!  She’s imitating Brittany!

QUINN
So?

JANE
Brittany’s a ditz, the queen of the ditzes!  Something freaky weird must be going on if Daria’s dressing like that.  There’s no way she’d do that if it wasn’t an emergency.

QUINN
Hmph!

JANE
Notice the bare face, those glasses—make that sunglasses—pushed up in her hair.  Do you think she’d walk around like that, nearly blind, if she wasn’t forced to?
(takes her own close look)
They’re now showing her holding a baby!  Where did that come from?

JANE
Come on, Aunt Amy, pick up.  Pick up…

AMY’S ANSWERING MACHINE
(through phone)
Hi.  You have reached the answering machine of Amy Barksdale.  I can’t come to the phone right now, so please leave a message at the sound of the beep.  If I deem you worthy enough to pay attention to, I will call you back.
(beep)

JANE
(hangs up)
Damn.  Quinn’s parents are out of town, so we can’t use their cars.  And Mom had to take her car when she got the urge to go to Colorado.  But I think I know who can be talked into helping us…

TODD
Enough!

TODD
Over again from the top, Beavis.  And this time don’t interrupt him, people.

BEAVIS
Butt-Head and I were just watching Sick, Sad World, and they were doing this story about this bar in Leeville—

BUTT-HEAD
Uh, Beavis, I think it was a pub.

TODD
Shut up, Butt-Head.

BEAVIS
Anyway, they were showing this keyboard-player in the bar, and Butt-Head said he thought she was a slut, and so we start giggling, and then it hits me:  she’s Daria—except now she’s hot!

TATUM
That’s just plain stupid.  Angelina and I tackled this Lola woman to the floor and examined her hair.  If she had been Morgendorffer, she would have had red roots; the woman’s roots were blond.

LOUIS
Actually, Daria is a blonde.

LOUIS
We were at music camp together one summer when we were kids.  Her hair started off red but grew out blond.  When I asked her about it, she mumbled something about running out of hair dye and kicked me.

TODD
Why the Hell didn’t you tell us this before?

LOUIS
Oh, you people never tell me what’s going on, keep me out of the loop, thinking I don’t have anything to contribute, and you don’t listen to me in the first place, and now you wonder why I didn’t tell you this vital fact?  No wonder Morgendorffer slipped through our fingers!

TODD
(sighs)
This time I will take care of Morgendorffer.  Go treat yourself to some nachos, Beavis.⁴⁸

BEAVIS
(giggling)
Thanks, boss.
(exits)

TODD
Jesus!  Can’t these people work together in peace and harmony?

MONIQUE
No.  No way in Hell.

JANE
Please, Monique!  We’re begging you!

MONIQUE
No.

JANE
You hardly use the thing!

QUINN
(teary eyes)
Please.  All Jane wants is her brother back.  Is that too much to ask?

MONIQUE
Oh, puh-lease!  Stop making yourselves look stupid and get lost.

QUINN
I used to think musicians were cool.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the whole breed are scum.

MONIQUE
Do you really think I’m stupid enough to allow myself to be swayed by a petty psychological trick?  Your proposal is based on a tabloid TV show with less reliability than a Magic 8-Ball.  The whole story was probably faked.  Come back when you have some solid data on Trent and that pseudointellectual evil bimbo slut Daria’s whereabouts.

UPCHUCK
Hello, dear ladies!

CINDY EUNICE
(monotone)
Hey.

JANE AND QUINN
(asynchronously)
Hey.

MONIQUE
Eunice, I want a word with you now.

MONIQUE
Eunice, you are breaking a major rule of this apartment:  you are not permitted to bring vermin in here.

UPCHUCK
Ooh!  Feisty!

MONIQUE
(to Upchuck)
Stay out of this, Ruttheimer.

CINDY EUNICE
This is business, Monique.  If we’re ever going to get Harpies Records off the ground, we’re going to need a lot of cash to do it, and
(gestures)
Mr. Ruttheimer has just taken a big step towards getting us that money.  We’ve done a lot of market research, and we went to his family asking for financing.  Charles has argued them into investing heavily in Harpies Records.  They agree we can make this work— if we can deliver a high-quality band.

MONIQUE
Good.  We can do that.  I can have Mystik Spiral ready in a few days.  Now what does any of this have to do with the Man Who Drooled Too Much being in here?

CINDY EUNICE
Charles and I have an arrangement:  every time he makes progress on making Harpies Records a reality, I make it worth his while.

MONIQUE
You had better not be talking about—

CINDY EUNICE 
That is none of your business, Monique.

MONIQUE
This is not acceptable, Eunice!  I you have no business—

CINDY EUNICE 
Remember who you’re talking to, Icebox Woman.  I never was a “misery chick” deep down in the same way you are, nor will I ever truly be one.  The whole Eunice persona is just a front so I can do things the person I really am would have trouble doing unhindered.  Charles and I have a lot in common, and had circumstances been different, we very well might be doing it anyway just for the fun of it.  In any case, his house is full of people, and neither he nor I can spare the money for a hotel room.  He may have a share in the family trust, but he can’t touch a single cent of it until he’s 21.  I will show him how much I appreciate his efforts here, so you will want to clear out of here quickly.
(softly)
And let me add that what I am doing is well worth it.  He seems a bit creepy at first, but if you can get used to the Bond persona, he’s every bit as fun to be with as Trent—in every respect.  Not only is he doing work for me, but he’s giving me a lot of pleasure for his trouble.  In the words of my uncle Buck McOnroy, “Ooh!  What a racket!”

MONIQUE
Change of plans, Jane.  You can take my car to Leeville, but I’m going with you.
(moves towards her room)
Just let me change and get my gun…

QUINN
Thank you.  I knew you had a heart.

MONIQUE
(turning towards Quinn)
And you stay, misery skank’s sister!

QUINN
Hmph!

JANE
(to Monique)
You’ll never regret this.

MONIQUE
I’d better not.
(exits the room)

CINDY EUNICE 
(to Upchuck)
And if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go slip into something more comfortable.
(hesitatingly kisses Upchuck and exits the room with a lot of hip sway)

JANE
(to Quinn)
I never thought it would go that far…

QUINN
Ew!

CLEMENTINE
Here to steal my boyfriend, Monique?

MONIQUE
Lay off, Clementine!  We’re here on business.  Besides, you broke up with Earnest every two weeks.

CLEMENTINE
And I suppose you’re here giving your friend pointers.

JANE
From the failed-relationship queen of Lawndale?  Oh, puh- lease!   The name’s Jane Lane.  We’re here looking for Clyde and Lola Winters.

CLEMENTINE
They’re not here.

MONIQUE
We can see that, O mistress of the obvious.  Do you know where they live?

CLEMENTINE
And what makes you think I would know that?

JANE
I saw you on Sick, Sad World talking to Lola, even playing with her baby.  You just might be her friend.

CLEMENTINE
So what if I do know where they live?  Why should I tell you?

JANE
Because Lola and Clyde aren’t who you think they are.
(produces a copy of Quinn’s picture of Trent and Daria)

CLEMENTINE
(takes a really good look at the picture; eyes opening wide)
Oh my god!  Lola is that Daria person!

JANE
Whatever drove her to remake herself as a singing bimbo had to be pretty damn serious.  Ditzes are not the kind of person she particularly likes and certainly not the sort of person she wants people to think of her as.

MONIQUE
Now are you going to tell us where she lives or not?  If we don’t get to her first, someone else—someone dangerous— might.

CLEMENTINE
Lola!  Clyde!  Are you in there?

JANE
Now I know they’re in trouble.

MONIQUE
And how do you know that, Lane?

JANE
(picks up Daria’s ordinary glasses from the coffee table)
Would Daria leave these behind on purpose?

JANE
Trent!  Daria!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque voice)
Janey?  I can’t believe it!

TRENT
You don’t know how much we’ve missed you.

CLEMENTINE
(getting out of the car)
This is such a beautiful moment!

MONIQUE
(approaching)
You slut!  You really did steal my fiancé!

DARIA
Uh…

TRENT
It’s not what you think, Monique.

MONIQUE
Are you going to tell me this isn’t your baby?  It’s got your eyes, damn it!

DARIA
(deliberately using her “Quinn the Brain” voice)
Can we discuss this later, please?  We’re busy running from the Mafia.

MONIQUE
Oh, isn’t that a convenient excuse to cover up the fact that you seduced—

JANE
That’s enough, Martin.  We’ve found who we’re looking for.  Let’s just find somewhere to collapse for tonight, and we can argue about who’s at fault later, OK?

CLEMENTINE
(to Monique)
How does it feel to have your boyfriend stolen, misery chick?

MONIQUE
Argh!  Go ahead:  rub it in!

DARIA
(breaking lip-lock)
Um, sorry, we’re just used to doing this, um…

TRENT
(sliding a hand up the back of Daria’s shirt)
When we’re around other people.

JANE
(sitting down on the bed)
Aw!  How cute!  They’re finishing each other’s sentences!

CLEMENTINE
(sitting down on the bed)
They’ve always seemed so close.  Lola—uh, sorry—Daria talked a lot about Trent when we went shopping together.

MONIQUE
(collapsing in another chair)
I’m going to be sick.

JANE
(to Daria and Trent)
Now, I want to hear all about what you two have been doing in the past ten months.  I think you left off at Aunt Rita…

JANE
You’re kidding!

CLEMENTINE
I really did think she was Brittany Taylor.

DARIA
Are you done laughing at my expense?

JANE
I just can’t believe that you’ve been dressing like that for so long.  It’s so un-you.

TRENT
It’s true.  I could barely get her to come out of the bathroom the first time.

DARIA
And I’ve been loathing stepping outside every day ever since.  It’s been pure Hell.

MONIQUE
Liar.

DARIA
Do you think I like being one step away from being naked?  Do you think I enjoy having strange men drool over the sight of me, night after night, with nowhere to hide?  Even with Trent and the wedding ring and being pregnant, I still had morons hitting on me.

MONIQUE
You don’t seem to mind Trent ogling you or feeling you up.

DARIA
Excuse me?

MONIQUE
This whole time he hasn’t taken his eyes off of you for more than five seconds!  He’s looking down at your cleavage right now, and you haven’t had the decency to get out of his lap so he no longer has that great view!  And let’s not get started on where he’s been putting his hands.  You might not like the morons, but they’re worth it.  It’s all part of how you work; isn’t it?  Draw him in with your pseudointellectual prattle, then keep him by being a slut!

TRENT
She’s just as smart as you, Monique, and her looks weren’t why we got together.

MONIQUE
(stands up)
Yeah, right.  You would have dumped me for her back in Lawndale if that was true.
(to Daria)
Enjoy him now, Lola, because you’re going to pay for this someday, somehow.
(exits, slamming the door)

CLEMENTINE
Don’t worry about her.  She’s always been like that.

DARIA
Yeah, but…
(notices Trent looking at her cleavage)
Would you stop looking at me like that?

TRENT
Sorry.

TODD⁴⁹
(whispering)
One word out of you, and you will die.  Is that clear?

TODD
(softly)
Now tell me what you know, and if you raise your voice, I will kill you, no matter what you have to say.

DARIA
(twirling hair around finger, Brittanyesque)
Don’t hurt me, please!  I’ve never even seen you before!

TODD
You’re good.  If it hadn’t been for the fact that Louis knew you really are a blonde, you would have gotten away with it.  Now what do you know, Morgendorffer?

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
I saw you kill Stewart Stevenson.  That’s it.

TODD
Do you really expect me to believe that?

DARIA
Stewart said, “Please!  Don’t hurt me!”  And you said, “So you thought you could escape me?”  Stewart replied, “Um, er…”  Then you said, “When are you going to learn that no one gets out of my gang alive?  You ought to have known better than to have gone to the cops for protection; Alfred here’s on the payroll.  Now die.”  And then you shot Stewart in the head and said, “You three know what to do with the body.”  Beavis went into his “Fire!  Fire!” routine.  Then you saw me and said, “Damn it!  It’s that Morgendorffer girl!”  You shot at me, and I ran for my life.  The rest was a chase scene.

TODD
Good memory, Morgendorffer, but do you really expect me to think it was a coincidence you were there?

DARIA
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but my presence there really was an accident.  I was shopping for clothes.

TODD
Don’t play stupid with me, Morgendorffer.  Even Butt-Head wouldn’t buy such a lame excuse!  You were without question the smartest person in Highland.  If anyone was going to have a chance of spying on the Highland Mafia, it was you, trying to make it look all so innocent.  Do you think that I’m some sort of moron?  Now, who are you really working for?

DARIA
(deadpan)
I’m working for the United Nations Special Secret Security Agency.  My real name is Melody Powers.  I’m in command of an elite team which deals with organized crime.

TODD
I have had it with the lies!  Now tell me what I want to know, or you die.

MONIQUE
(approaching, holding a gun)
Don’t ever think of getting in the way of the revenge of someone with a licence to carry a concealed weapon!

DARIA
Did you just save my life, Monique?

MONIQUE
(holstering her weapon)
Don’t remind me, you fiancé-stealing misery bimbo!  I just had to listen to my intuition when I heard someone going in and out of your room.
(beat)
But don’t thank me just yet.  You’re not going to run this time.  If you want protection, you’re going to have to deal with the police.  I know I’m definitely not going to run and have the pigs hunting me down on a murder charge.

DARIA
Aw, Hell.

CLEMENTINE
Are you going to be OK, Daria?

DARIA
(struggling not to squeak)
Yeah, sure, fine.  Now that Todd’s dead, I’m wondering what’s going to happen to us.

MONIQUE
(softly)
I hope you burn in Hell.

DARIA
Trent and I can’t just disappear anymore, now that the police know about us.  On the other hand, we can’t go public either; the rest of the Highland Mafia are still on the loose.

OFFICER
Not anymore.  The police in Highland just raided Ianuzzi’s headquarters.  Some idiot there started shooting, and all of the suspects were killed, so the Highland Mafia is no more, including that Alfred character you mentioned.

TRENT
So we’re free to go?

OFFICER
Absolutely.

DARIA
(perky)
So it’s back to Lawndale.

TRENT
Home of the Zen.

DARIA
Lawndale High.

TRENT
McGrundy’s.

DARIA
Pizza King.⁵⁰

TRENT
Dega Street.

DARIA
Our parents.

TRENT
Institutionalized corruption.

DARIA
Mass stupidity.

TRENT
Sounds like fun; doesn’t it?

DARIA
Hell, sweet Hell.

JANE
That’s the spirit!

DARIA
I’ll be happy enough just not to have to pretend to be a bimbo anymore.

CLEMENTINE
(embraces Daria and Trent)
I’m going to miss you so much!

DARIA
(mumbles)
Yeah, I’m going to miss you, too.

MONIQUE
I’m going to be sick.

QUINN
They’re here!  They’re here!

QUINN
(embracing her sister)
Daria!  You’re back!

DARIA
(Brittanyesque)
I’m so happy to see you again!  I’ve missed you so much!

QUINN
(steps back to get a better look at Daria)
And you look great!  You sound great, too.

DARIA
Thanks!  I—
(snapping out of it; monotone voice)
I don’t look great.  I look like an idiot.

QUINN
Don’t be silly!  You’ve improved more than I ever dreamed.
(taking Elaine)
And this must be my little niece, Elaine.  She’s so cute!

DARIA
(getting Brittanyesque again, beaming)
I know.  She’s been so—
(looks confused)

QUINN
Are you alright, Daria?

DARIA
I’m fine.  I just need to unlearn all the bad habits I picked up in the last ten months.  It shouldn’t be too hard.  I’ve never been anyone but Daria the “Misery Chick” in Lawndale.
(collapses on the sofa)

TRENT
Hey, Daria’s sister.
(puts down guitar and collapses on sofa next to Daria, then pulls her into his lap)

QUINN
Welcome home!

JANE
We came; we found; we were victorious!
(puts down Daria and Trent’s bag and collapses in a chair)

MONIQUE
(deadpan)
Whoopee.
(puts down the synthesizer and collapses in a chair)

QUINN
I’m so excited!  I’m going to run home and leave a message for Mom and Dad on the answering machine.  Come on, Elaine.  I can’t wait to show you my room.  I have a teddy bear I think you might like.
(exits the house, carrying Elaine)

DARIA
(to Trent)
Did we just let Quinn run off with the baby?

TRENT
Looked like it.

DARIA
I just hoped she’s changed enough not to totally corrupt our firstborn.
(to Jane)
Janey, why didn’t you tell me she’s now wearing my clothes?

JANE
Sort of got lost in the shuffle.  Besides, now you can steal her clothes.  You’d look great in pink.

DARIA
Forget it.  I’m reclaiming my wardrobe and changing into something decent.  I’m tired of looking like a bimbo.

DARIA
Maybe after a nap.

TRENT
Good idea.
(yawns)
I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in ten months.
(puts an arm around Daria’s waist)

JANE
Forget taking your clothes back, Daria.  Quinn went crazy with a sewing machine and altered everything to fit her—except for the shirts, which were already just as she liked them.  No way she’s going to give those up without a fight.

DARIA
I need a nap anyway.

JANE
(following)
You two go pose, and I’ll be in in a minute with the stuff to paint your portrait.

DARIA
Please, Jane, no pictures of me like this.  I’ve undergone enough embarrassment for a lifetime.

JANE
Aw!  Come on!  You might not give me another chance!

HELEN
(embracing Monique)
Daria!  Thank God you’re—
(releasing Monique)
You’re not Daria!  Where’s my daughter?

MONIQUE
She’s—

HELEN
(entering the house)
Quinn!  Where’s Daria?  I found your message on the answering machine about Jane and Monique going to Leeville to find Daria and Trent and getting back with them about three in the afternoon!

QUINN
They’re in Trent’s room, Mom.  Daria and Trent are sleeping while Jane’s painting them.  They were exhausted, unlike little Elaine here.  Isn’t she adorable?

ELAINE
Gah!

HELEN
What the Hell is Daria doing sleeping in the same room as Trent, ⁵¹ and where has she been for the past ten months?

DARIA
(excited monotone)
Mom!  It’s so good to see you.

HELEN
(embracing Daria)
Daria!  Where have you been?  Your father and I have been worried sick about you!  Do you know what we’ve been through in the past—

TRENT
Hey, Mom, could you keep it down?

ELAINE
Gah!

HELEN
(releasing Daria)
What you mean by calling me “Mom”, Trent?

DARIA
(sticks out her hand to show off her wedding ring to Helen)
We’re sort of married, Mom.  It’s a common law arrangement.  We’ll straighten out the legality soon.

QUINN
Congratulations, Mom.  You’re a grandma!

DARIA
I do believe Jane’s sense of humor is rubbing off on you, Quinn.

QUINN
Actually, it’s Max’s.  I’m a criminal now.

DARIA
Tell me about it when I’m awake.

TRENT
(moving to get Helen into a chair)
Do you think we should tell her about us running from the Mob?

DARIA
I’m having a hard time seeing how I’m going to explain my pigtails without it.
(to Quinn)
Can I have my kid back now?
(takes Elaine from Quinn)
Thanks.  I’ll give you twenty bucks if you can get Jane out of our room and another twenty to steal the painting she was putting the finishing touches on a moment ago.

QUINN
But it’s almost photorealistic!  And such a lovely, idyllic scene.

DARIA
Fifty and fifty.

QUINN
Done.
(exits)

JAKE
(hugs Monique)
Daria!  I came as soon as I heard!  I’ve been going crazy ever since—
(releases Monique)
You’re not Daria.

DARIA
Over here, Dad.  The one with the pigtails and baby.

JAKE
(hugs Daria)
Daria!  I came as soon as I heard!  I’ve been going crazy ever since—
(releases Daria)
What the Hell are you wearing, young lady?  And where did this baby come from?

DARIA
It’s nice to see you, too, Dad.

TRENT
Care to meet your granddaughter, Dad?

JAKE
Granddaughter?  Dad?

JAKE
Oh my god!  My daughter really did run off with a grunge musician to Vegas to get married and had his baby!
(runs out of the house screaming)

DARIA
How long do you think it will be before your parents show up in Lawndale again, Trent?  We need to torture them, too.

MONIQUE
Worry about that later, Lola.

DARIA
That’s “Daria”.

MONIQUE
Yes, and your middle name is “Lola”.  I’ve done a lot of research on you in the past ten months, and I have seen your birth certificate.  Your full name is Daria Lola Morgendorffer—and the whole town will know it very soon, thanks to making the right comment to your little sister Quinn.

DARIA
Aw, Hell!

MONIQUE
Get used to it, Lola.  The name suits your new look.

DARIA
My soon-to-be ex-look.

MONIQUE
Don’t give up your day job and become a psychic.  I know you hate your “Lola” look, but don’t change back to a “misery chick” just yet.

DARIA
Why?  Afraid we’ll both show up somewhere in the same outfit?  Major social faux pas.

MONIQUE
You owe me big time, and I’ve made the proper arrangements for you to pay me back.

DARIA
I don’t owe you anything for stealing your fiancé.  You couldn’t even stay together with him for more than two weeks at a time.

TRENT
(putting his arms around Daria’s waist)
I’ve been very happy to have Daria as part of my life.  She means more to me than you ever did.

MONIQUE
(to Daria)
I meant for saving your life.  If it weren’t for me, you would be dead, leaving me to collect Trent on the rebound.  I don’t think you’d like me raising your kid either.  And I could have had it all by waiting for Todd to shoot you and then shooting him to make sure he didn’t kill Trent.  And who would have suspected that I’d done anything wrong?  I would have just said that I was a split-second too late to prevent a horrible tragedy.  Trent would have been touched that I’d tried to save his beloved Daria’s life…

DARIA
Aw, Hell.
(cringes from the thought of the possibilities of what Monique is proposing)
What do you have in mind?

MONIQUE
Oh, just a concert on the front lawn for the whole population of Lawndale in
(checks watch)
about three hours.

DARIA
What!?

MONIQUE
And you don’t change your look until afterwards, Lola.

TRENT
I don’t like the sound of this.

MONIQUE
I am taking no chances.  The arrangements have already been made.  The stage is being built, the lighting and sound systems are being rigged, and—most importantly—the house is surrounded.

DARIA
(clinging to Trent for comfort)
No way.  Hell, no.

MONIQUE
Don’t be a baby about it.  You performed almost every night for several months!

DARIA
That was my alter ego.  I can’t go up on stage as myself dressed like this.  I’ll never get idiot guys to leave me alone.  Quinn and her friends will want me to join a reconstituted Fashion Club.  People I hate will want me to be around them.  Modeling agencies will start hounding me.  I’ll be popular!

MONIQUE
Tough.  You’re already popular, and you will perform in three hours, Lola.

MONIQUE
Unless you care to divorce Trent.

DARIA
(sighs)
Fine.  You’ll get your damn concert.

MONIQUE
Good.  Now go get yourselves something to eat and shower, and
(to Trent)
you shave and change into some of your old clothes.  Axl will be here in a little bit to put the holes back in your ears so you can wear earrings again.

TRENT
I can live with that.

MONIQUE
And as for you, Lola, we have the newly resurrected Fashion Club coming.  They’ve got a little surprise for you.

DARIA
Eep!

ROSATA
This is Meg Rosata, reporting to you live from the Lane house.  Moments from now, Trent Lane and D. Lola Morgendorffer will be performing, only hours after they returned to Lawndale after ten long months of running from the Highland Mafia…

TRENT
Ow!

AXL
(puts an earring in the hole he just made)
There.  We’re all done.

MONIQUE
Good.

TRENT
(as Axl starts packing up his gear)
That’s easy for you to say.  It’s not like you were just punctured six times by someone hired by someone who has it in for your wife.

CINDY EUNICE
(monotone)
We don’t have it in for Lola.  All we want to do is—

MONIQUE
Let Lawndale see her perform.

CINDY EUNICE
Most of us never got a chance while you two were still in Leeville.  If what we’ve heard is correct, it is an experience that will
(carefully chooses her wording)
change the life of every person in this town forever.

TRENT
(skeptical)
Uh-huh.  The more I think about it, the more I think you’re up to something, something big.

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
I can’t believe this is happening.  I must be losing my mind.

TRENT
Daria?

DARIA
The Fashion Club somehow found contacts I can live with and talked me into wearing them.  I can feel the damn things, but at least they’re not itchy or painful.  This must be one of the signs that the World is about to end.

TRENT
Uh-oh...

SANDI
Tiffany deserves the real credit.  After all, she’s the one who’s been researching contact lenses designed for comfort and discovered this new kind only last week.

DARIA
(snidely)
Definitely something none of us thought was possible.

TIFFANY
(mistaking this for a compliment)
Thanks!  But we should thank Quinn.  She found the prescription.

QUINN
There’s plenty of credit to go around.  After all, we all chipped in to pay for Lola’s new contacts.

DARIA
(irritated)
But what I want to know is how you found out the one reason it would take to get me to wear contacts again after my last experience with them.

TIFFANY
Well, Janey told us about that one time you tried wearing contacts, and Trent came along and—

STACY
Tiffany!
(calmer)
We’re just so glad to have you back in Lawndale again.

DARIA
Yeah, right.  Thanks for playing on my base desires so you could make me look even more like an ex-cheerleader.

TIFFANY
But I thought—

TIFFANY
No.  No way.  That’s impossible.  She can’t be that brain Daria.

DARIA
Oh, it’s very possible.  God, you people make me wish I was dead.

TRENT
It’s alright, Daria.
(to the Fashion Club)
Get lost.  Daria’s been traumatized, and you are not helping her recover.

SANDI
Well, I never—

QUINN
It doesn’t matter if he hates us.  Lola’s got it so bad for him that she’s never going to be able to go back to being a “misery chick”; you can tell he loves the way she looks now too much.  He’s really having a hard time not looking her over, even as he tries to comfort her.

DARIA AND TRENT
Hey!

SANDI
You have a point, Quinn.  Ladies, our work here is finished.  Let us proceed outside, where we may boast to the other fashion-oriented people.

TRENT
We are not going through with this concert, no way in Hell.

MONIQUE
It’s too late for that.  There are hundreds of people outside, people who expect you two to perform very soon.  Not only are there a number of reporters covering the concert, but this is so newsworthy that every local station will be preempting their usual programming to show your concert instead.  You are going to go outside to perform, or they are going to storm this house, looking for answers.

TRENT
Damn.

CINDY EUNICE
And besides, we’ve learned enough about Lola to know her conscience won’t let her chicken out.  She is too good a person to break an agreement.

DARIA
Damn conscience.
(sighs)
Fine.  You’ll get your pound of humiliation.  I hope you burn in Hell for this.

TRENT
Please, Daria, don’t do this.

DARIA
I’m sorry.  I have to.

TRENT
I’ll go in the kitchen and cut off one my fingers!  I’ll—

DARIA
Trent, I’m not getting out of this.  I can’t fight it.

TRENT
No!  I was selfish turning you into a musician.  You don’t have to do it anymore.  We’ll figure something out—

DARIA
Trent, believe me:  you’re going to be making it up to me for the rest of my life for getting me into the music business.  But that has nothing to do with this concert.  I agreed to do the concert, and I’m going to do it.  I owe Monique for saving my life.

TRENT
But—

DARIA
I’m not the immoral person I’m sometimes made out to be.  I have a conscience, and it won’t let me get away with every wrong thing I want to do.  I can’t even always be cruel to my own sister Quinn.  Breaking an agreement’s something I can’t do.  I’m sorry, Trent.  No matter what the consequences, I have to do this.

TRENT
Then, please, whatever you do, stay Daria.  Don’t let Monique win.

DARIA
Oh, I will, Trent; I promise.

DARIA
(“Quinn the Brain” voice)
Hi!  We’re Daria Lola Morgendorffer and Trent Lane—

DARIA
—and we’re so happy to be here.

TRENT
It’s great to be back in Lawndale.

DARIA
We’ve missed you all so much—

DARIA
Believe me, considering how I felt about this town the last time I was here, that’s nothing short of a miracle.  After ten months on the run from the Mafia, it truly moves us to come home to a town full of people who want to see us, even knowing who I really am.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love you all—and for the first time in my music career, I actually mean it.

DARIA
Thank you!  Thank you!  This first song—

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Britney Spears’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time!”

DARIA
Excuse me?  What did you ask for again?

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
You heard me!  “Hit Me Baby One More Time!”

DARIA
Are you sure that’s what you want?

TEENAGER IN GREEN SWEATER
Yes!

UPCHUCK
Ooh!  Feisty!

DARIA
(curtsying)
Thank you!  I’ve been wanting to do that ever since that idiot first requested that awful song.  I’d like to remind you all who I really am:  Daria Morgendorffer, the one they used to call “misery chick”.  Though I’ve come back from ten months of hiding from the Mob pretty and perky, keep in mind I’m still the brain I was before, so please don’t insult my intelligence and assume I’ll be happy to sing any piece of worthless drivel.

DARIA
This first song goes out to my sister-in-law and best friend, Trent’s sister Jane—

JANE
(on Jesse’s shoulders, waving her arms wildly)
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
You just had to continue the tradition of requesting bad songs; didn’t you, Janey?

JANE
Hell, yes!  I never got a chance to see you performing anything like that at Nowheresville!  Just this once!  Please!

DARIA
Janey, we really weren’t planning on doing requests again—

MANY IDIOTS IN THE AUDIENCE
Britney Spears’s “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
I take back what I said about being happy to be here and loving you all.

MANY IDIOTS IN THE AUDIENCE
(repeatedly)
“Baby One More Time”!  “Baby One More Time”!  “Baby One More Time”!

DARIA
(sighs)
What the Hell.  As if looking like this in public didn’t complete my daily dose of humiliation.  But this is the last time ever I am singing that song.

DARIA
Hit it, Trent.

DARIA
Oh, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby…

DARIA
This last song goes out to Monique Martin, who guilt-tripped me into performing like this and made all the arrangements for this concert, including that stupid banner.

DARIA
Enjoy yourself, Monique, because this could very well be the last time anyone ever sees me looking like this or on stage again.

DARIA
I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I want to do this for the rest of my life.  Hit it, Trent.

DARIA
You’re an angel in black,
And you sure have a knack,
For putting my heart on the shelf in the back.
But now it’s my turn.
Oh, when will you learn?
My poor heart, you’re giving it freezer burn...
Yeah...

DARIA
(to the audience)
Thank you!  You’re too kind!  I love you all!  Thanks for coming!
(beat)
Now let’s get off this stage, Trent, before I die of embarrassment.

TRENT
Yes, dear.

MONIQUE
Your attention, please!  I represent a new, independent record company, Harpies Records, the record company some of you invested in today after C. Eunice Blenko, Charles Ruttheimer III, April Brillinger, and Samantha Hain showed you the Sick, Sad World footage.  We want to sign Lola and Trent up for a five-year contract of producing albums and going on tour, a contract so generous that even Courtney Love would love it.  In fact, we will beat any other record company’s offer.  What do you think Lola and Trent ought to do?  Should they sign?

MUCH OF THE AUDIENCE
(repeatedly)
Sign!  Sign!  Sign!