Luxuriant High Firehose
Daria removed her skin and went to bed. All musclo-skeletal, muscles
locked up in Chinese configuration, discard the identity, seek lethe in
all clinics of the mind, run by the Sandman.
Dream sequence 1: Quinn has sperm. She is seeking to donate it to
Daria. Daria doesn't want it, doesn't want the Quinn prophylactic
presentation, no Fashion Club inoculation, bee stung lips like Fay
Wray, no flat non thinking inscrutable board like Tiffany (Tom, oh Tom,
what an inscrutable board! Washboard abs! Washboard abs!), no
unthinking news nosegay like Stacy, no psychotropic bitch tits like
Sandi. She wonders if it is a hotbead of homosexuality, maybe Quinn
really does have a cock, doesn't date guys, daisy chains Stacy and
Cindy and Adolf and the whole hole bunch of them. It gives Daria an
uncertain feeling in the belly of her bosom.
Dream sequence 2: Now Daria is beaten up by Charles. Charles then turns
into a Rabbi and says, "what the hell, what the hell, what the hell",
his red forelocks shaking, the sound of gongs ringing in the
lumineferous ether. Then Daria stands up and the bell rings, and the
crowd answers fine, fine, fine. She doesn't know what the fuck it
meant, let someone else think this shit, just leave me alone.
Dream sequence 3: Only three dream sequences are allowed. She is
carrying Jesse Jackson's love child. He gives her 15 cents, as he says
that fifteen cents is all he got. She gives birth to the girl, who she
turns into a wax candle. She sways in the wind, giving the blessing of
Gandhi before Hindoo bullets entered his head, thoughts of non-violent
intervention turning into a meat blender, neutrons and lead. Daria
thinks she can turn Gandhi's brain into gold.
Time to wake up. Spatula on the morning radio, a mumble of cottonmouth.
Time to see if QuinnBin is in the shower. No. Too bad, bitch. Time to
wash head, eyebrows, eyes, nose, clip nose hairs, pick mole, brush each
tooth, wash ring from neck, wash beautiful if beautiful understated
pits, wash underarm hair, Tom likes it Madonna-style, flabby belly,
belly ring scar, fingernails, place where men plant their seed, add
Nair, cut toenails. Elapsed time: 35 seconds. Quinn barges in.
Quinn looks at Daria, and thinks, "boobob". She'd like to have older
sister on a choke chain, teach her the power of Fashion Club Floozies.
To touch tits like real sisters do. Booya.
Daria takes 54 minutes to decide wardrobe. Decision made. Green jacket.
Orange T-shirt. Pleated skirt. Doc Martens boots. So many choices,
fabulouskitty, so little time! And panties. Can't forget the panties
that daddy likes so much. Solid, white, unassuming, uncompromising.
Down to breakfast. Wooden shingles covered with red strawberry flavored
paste. Momma and Daddacita sitting in accustomed places. Quinnbitch
primping upstairs. Mom on umbilical cord to Eric/Daddy, lips right to
speaker like fellatio, talking about Eric's legal briefs. Daddy in
regression, Daria wanting to offer him a breast out of compensation.
Breasts firmer than Mother's. Good sign. Tom likes 'em. Daddy
struggling with motor skills, "DAMMMIT!! MY DADDY!!! I HATE HIM!!!",
Mommy sneaking Haldol into his oatmeal. Give Jakey his martooni, DAMMIT
DAMMIT, and Jakey will purr all day while wifey purrs all night. Daria
knows all. It's the third eye.
Quinn comes down. Sunday morning coming down. Setup by Quinn. Punchline by Daria. God bless em. Escape. ESCAPE!!!!
Daria makes it out, tingle down in that special spot when she sees
Jane. Straight Jane. Always Straight Jane and Straight Daria, the two
of them straight together.
Jane dressed in red, big old blue eyes like an acid tab, painted in.
"Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo." Present the inescapable metaphysical truth, we
are all doomed, and neither art, nor literature, nor drugs can escape
How do we look in pantyhose, Daria thinks. She's seen Jane's scarred chicken legs.
"Yo, yo, yo, yo," answers the echo, and soon they're figuratively hand
in hand on the way to school, trading telepathic insults that human
eyes can't hear. I want to smash a chair in your face. I love you.
Let's trade tongues.
They prepare to blow off school, and meet Jodie, Mack, Kevin, Brittany,
Charles, Andrea, Staci, Tiffany, Sandi, Brooke, the fat girl, the blond
skinny guy, the Japanese-looking goth, Jodie, Jeffy, Jamie, first
indistinct cheerleader, second indistinct cheerleader, third indistinct
cheerleader, Superman, Batman, the Flash, Robin, Kurt Cobain, Jim
Morrison, Elvis, George Washington, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Jr.,
Malcolm X, Y, and Z, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, and Paul Harvey who
tells them the rest of the story. Everyone laughs. They've read the
script but Daria doesn't think there's enough irony in it.
First a meeting with Jodie and Mack, America's favorite repressed
couple. Mack doesn't mention the whip, or how much he loves it, playing
Rastus to Kevin Whitebread. Jodie keeps him firmly in line, and she
loves it. They all love it.
They're all oversexed, you know. What's a cartoon character to do but entertain us in those special ways? No wild parties.
Daria and Jane trade witty barbs with Brittany and the cheerleaders.
Then Brittany and the cheerleaders give Daria and Jane swirlies in the
hell center of the girl's bathroom. You don't fuck with Brittany, I
don't care how smart you are or if you have your own cartoon. Brittany
strikes Daria and Jane with her enormous tits, the bruises will have to
be aired out during commercial time.
Commercial time. Doritos. Pizza Hut. Pepsi with Brittany Eisenberg, the
six year old girl that everyone wants to do. Vin Scully and How About
That? Jack Nicholson for Verizon. Mountain Dew. Everyone wants to Do
the Dew. Bob's Genital Electrocution System. Mini-Shoah for all your
childhood needs. And The Partridge in the Pear Tree. You have time to
Plus! MTV Undressed! MTV Road Rules! MTV The Real World! MTV Narcotics
Hour! MTV Star of the Minute! MTV and MTV's wonderful shows about MTV!!
MTV! Think! MTV!!!
Back to set up the A-Plot, the Primary Complication. Jodie is sexually
abused by Mr. O'Neill, and oh, how the jokes fly!! Andrea loses her
faith in the universe completely and decides to pretend that she is
dead. No one notices. While Jodie waddles to class, Daria and Jane
solve the problem by telling jokes for eighty-six minutes. No one
notices the show is on longer except for Daria fans, who load the
entire script down to websites in Albania and quote from it for months.
Three fanletters are named after this episode, and four porn sites come
Daria and Jane ask what to do, what to do, what to do, but no one
understands what they're talking about. "BRITTANY!!! JODIE IS GETTING
THE HIGH HARD ONE FROM MR. O'NEILL!! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" "Ooooo!
Dariaaah!! Don't use such BIG WORDS, goo goo g'joob." "Hey babe!! I'm
the QB!!" Now Kevin doesn't have to appear for four episodes and the
crowd goes wild.
Plot B gets introduced. This time, it's Ms. Li and her jock itch.
Charles sells her some powder to cure it but poor Upchuck doesn't know
its going to bush. Woo-hah!!
Let the tears of laughter fly.
There is a plot C, but it wasn't funny so we skip to plot D. Daria has
to pick up some soda on the way home.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH!! Ooo, yeah.
With Stone Cold Steve Austin as the voice of the clerk. So we know it's him, he puts Smack Down on Daria.
Now we gotta mix. Daria and Jane have to find a knife. They decide to
castrate Trent for practice, but Trent has been eating Horny Goat Weed
and the knife breaks.
"Castration...man...that's just so...corny...." They agree. They need a
cool way to humiliate him. Eventually the decision is made to shove
bowling balls up his ass.
But where do you get the bowling balls?
A rumor is coming out that they will animate Daria. Don't believe it.
Bowling balls. Jock itch. Soda. It all comes together in the last act.
Upchuck gets free bowling balls from the jock itch company. When Mr.
O'Neill bends over for one last shot at Jodie, there go the bowling
balls, bing, zooM!!! So dull it can't be believed. Lewd conversation
ensues. People are pushed off roofs, hanged from lampposts, and
everyone turns gay at the end. Sa-WISH!!
We see alter egos and egos altered, everyone becomes John F. Kennedy, Ronald
McDonald, a man, a plan, a canal, panama, French postcards French postcards
French postcards as Daria is glad to drop the image while 2Gether comes on
and she and Fat Albert can walk off, hand in hand, dropping the facade and
flying the next free lunch over Bimini, dropping the Dresden firestorm
while small dogs scream mother in the night.....