WHAT IF DARIA AND TOM DID IT?
A "Daria"/"What If?" Crossover Fan Fiction Story
Apollo C. Vermouth
With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.
AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND WARNINGS
None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction.
Since this story has explicit nudity and sex, no one under the age of 18 may
read this story. That means you.
All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999, 2003 MTV Networks, a division of
Viacom International, Inc. All rights reserved.
All "What If?" characters are (c) 1963, 2003 Marvel Entertainment Group, Inc. All
(We start with a shot of the moon, then we slowly zoom in on a specific part of
it: The so-called "Blue Area" that's mentioned in the Marvel Comics Universe.
We now see the tower that serves as the residence of Uatu, the Watcher of Earth.
We now see Uatu at his desk.)
Uatu: My name is Uatu. My race was old when Earth was young. It has been my
pleasure to see the development of mankind from the days that he lived in caves
to the age of the Internet. (We now see various pictures flash by; they
include: Cavemen, Moses bringing down the Ten Commandments, Jesus Christ
being crucified, the fall of
door of the
Plymouth Rock, the American Revolution, both World Wars, man landing on the
Moon, and so forth. We now see pictures of the various Marvel superheroes like
the Fantastic Four, the Hulk, the X-Men and Captain
been my especial privilege to see the elite few who have powers and abilities
beyond those of other humans fight for truth and justice. (We now see that
familiar house at 1111 Glen
observations have been of superheroes. I have also seen the everyday cares and
concerns of ordinary humans as well. (We now see Daria Morgendorffer lying on
her bed.) Take for instance this young woman. Her name is Daria Morgendorffer.
In your reality she is a smart, cynical teenage girl whom life has not been
rather fair with. Like anyone else she has had her share of ups and downs.
Take for instance a notable
incident in her life, when her best friend
met a young man named Tom Sloane. . .(We see Jane Jane and Tom Sloan meeting
in that crucial early scene in the episode "Jane's Addition.") At first Daria
did not take well to these events. (We see Daria confronting Jane about Tom.)
However, in time, Daria began to accept Jane's relationship with Tom. (We now
see Daria and Tom at the
Loathe a Parade".) However, things took a rather sudden turn one day when
Daria botched up dying Jane's hair. . .
(We now see Daria removing the towel from Jane's head from the episode "Dye!
Dye! My Darling!")
Uatu: Daria then tried to explain things to Tom, which led to this moment. . .
(We now see the pivotal scene in that episode where Daria and Tom French kiss.)
Daria: (Rapidly disengaging from Tom.) Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Uatu: Jane did not take kindly to this turn of events and left to spend her
summer at an artist's colony. Eventually, Daria and Jane resolved their
differences. (We now see the scene from the movie "Is It Fall Yet?" where Daria
and Jane reconcile.) Daria and Tom now began a relationship of their own.
Sometime later, Tom spent some time at Daria's house and accidentally fell
asleep. . .(We now see the scene from "My Night at Daria's" where Daria and
Tom now realize they overslept.) That incident led to rumors that they had
slept together. Eventually Daria thought she should have sex with Tom. . .(We
now see the scene from later on in that episode where Tom takes a condom out.)
However, Daria later developed cold feet. (We now see the scene where Daria
hesitates to leave the house to head for her rendevouz with Tom.) Eventually
Daria and Tom realized they did not need to have sex in order to be more
intimate. (We now see Tom kiss Daria.) Eventually, Daria and Tom would end
their relationship before they both left for college. So it was in your
reality. However, I have seen the alternate realities as well. I will now peel
the thin curtain that separates one reality from another to take a look at this
situation from a different perspective. . .
(We now see Daria at the kitchen getting ready to go. Helen, Daria's mother,
approaches her daughter.)
Helen: Daria, shouldn't you be going to Tom's? You did mention something
about you were going to have a special night with him.
Daria: I'm just about to go, Mom. (She now thinks to herself.) If I go ahead
with this, will Tom still respect me in the morning? If I don't go ahead with
this, the rumors are still going to be circulating around school. I love Tom,
but should I really go ahead with this? Then again, he seems to be more aware
of himself and his surroundings than
Monique, and I can't give her any adequate competiton. I'm going to go ahead
with this because I might not get an opportunity like this anytime soon. (She
now turns to Helen.) I'm on my way, Mom.
Helen: Have a nice time, Dear.
(Daria now walks past the living room. Jake, her father, just gives her a
forelorn look. Quinn, Daria's sister, now approaches.)
Quinn: Dad, it looks like you just lost your best friend.
Jake: Maybe I have, Quinn.
(Quinn looks at Jake puzzledly.)
Uatu: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will now give you the answer you have been
waiting for. Join me now as we answer the question. . .
WHAT IF DARIA AND TOM DID IT?
(We now see Jake's blue Lexus pulling up to the Sloane residence. Daria now
exits the car and approaches the front door of the house. Daria now rings the
doorbell. Tom answers the door. He looks at a watch.)
Tom: You're right on time, Daria.
Daria: I was never one to be fashionably late. (Pauses.) So, where are your
Tom: They've gone to a fundraiser in the opposite end of the state. They won't
be back until the day after tomorrow.
Daria: So, shall we get this over with?
Tom: Follow me.
(Daria now enters the house and follows Tom upstairs to his room. Tom grabs the
Daria: I certainly hope you're not the kind whose into leather and ropes.
Tom: Don't worry. I'm not. But you will like the way I redecorated my room.
(Tom now opens the door to his room, and Daria now takes a look at what he's
done. She has a surprised look on her face as she sees the candles he's got in
Daria: Are you turning your room into some monestary?
Tom: No, I just thought the candles would help set the mood.
Daria: Before we go any furhter, I just want to know something.
Daria: You didn't do it with any other girls before me, have you?
Daria: Not even Jane?
Tom: Not even Jane.
Daria: Of course you realize I'll have to inject my partner in crime with truth
serum the next time I see her and confirm this.
Tom: Hey, if you can't trust me, who can you trust? (Smiles.)
(Daria can't possibly come up with a comeback to that, so she just does her Mona
Lisa smirk. She now puts herself on the bed.)
Daria: So, why don't we get started?
Tom: Glad you asked.
(Tom now goes on the bed and sits next to Daria. They now draw closer, then
they French kiss. They now begin to grope each other's backs. Daria now senses
she feels something poking at her midriff.)
Daria: Tom, I just felt something poking me.
Tom: It's just me, I guess. (He now looks down at himself.) It was I. I'm
getting a bit excited. (He now gets up and goes to his dresser. He removes a
condom from the top drawer. He now returns to the bed and puts the condom next
to him.) Shall we continue?
(They now resume French kissing. Tom now removes Daria's glasses and puts them
on the dresser. Tom now approaches Daria and slowly removes her jacket. Daria
closes her eyes and tilts her head back slightly while he does this. Daria now
removes Tom's shirt, then begins to rub his bare chest with the palm of her
right hand. Daria now slowly moves the hand down to the zipper of Tom's pants,
slowly unzippers it and sees the bulge in his briefs.)
Tom: Uh, uh, uh. Not until you take some more off.
(Daria takes the hint and removes her orange T-shirt, revealing that she's
wearing a white bra. Daria now slowly slips out of her pleated skirt and lets
it drop to the floor, revealing the white panties she's wearing beneath it. Tom
now removes his shoes and socks and lets his pants slide to the floor, kicking
them off. Daria now removes her boots and tosses them to a corner of the room,
along with her socks. Daria now lies on the bed while Tom gets on top of her.
They resum French kissing, with Daria now caressing Tom's back.)
Daria: Oh, Tom, take me.
(Tom now goes behind Daria's back and unhooks her bra. He removes it, revealing
her breasts. Her nipples are now erect. Tom looks at Daria's breasts.)
Tom: Daria, did anyone tell you that you have such beautiful tits?
Daria: (Blushing.) Well, they're pretty small, so no one really notices them.
Tom: Size doesn't matter to me.
(Daria now wickedly grins over that, then tugs off her panties, then takes off
Tom's briefs, exposing his now erect cock.)
Daria: What shall we do first?
Tom: It's up to you, Daria.
(Daria now contemplates Tom's rigid member for a moment, then takes her tongue
and begins to lick its shaft. Tom begins to moan. Daria now slowly takes it
inside her mouth, then begins to suck on it, bobbing her head up and down.)
Tom: Oh, yeah, Daria, suck on it, baby.
(Daria continues to suck on Tom's dick. Tom now grabs hold of Daria's head and
pushes it up and down on his member. Daria begins to moan.)
Tom: Yeah, baby, yeah.
(Finally Tom comes in Daria's mouth, and she deftly swallows his load.)
Tom: Did it taste good, baby?
Daria: Yeah, honey, it tasted good.
(Daria now lies on the bed and spreads her legs. Tom now grabs the condom and
puts it on his cock. Tom now approaches Daria and begins to French kiss her.)
Tom: It might hurt a bit when I first penetrate you.
Daria: I know you'll be gentle with me.
(Tom now gets himself into position, then slowly introduces himself into Daria.
Cut to Daria's face, as she gasps, first in shock and pain, then as Tom finds
himself and finally gets himself inside her, she begins to moan in pleasure. Tom
begins to move back and forth. Cut to Daria as we see her head and breasts
bounce up and down with each stroke.)
Tom: You liking this so far, baby.
Daria: Oh, Tom, fuck me, fuck me hard!
(Tom now begins to fondle Daria's breasts, then he begins to lick, suck and bite
on her nipples. We now see a shot of Tom's cock pounding away inside Daria's
pussy. Cut back to Daria, who's now tossing her head back and forth in throes
Tom: Oh, baby, fucking you is Heaven!
Daria: Don't stop now, Tom! Fuck me like a jackhammer!
(Tom continues to fuck Daria. We now see an overhead shot of the two as Tom's
ass bounces up and down with each stroke. We now see a closer shot, as we see
Daria's moaning in ecstacy, her tits bouncing up and down with each stroke.)
Tom: Oh, God, baby, I'm gonna come!
(We now see Tom drive himself deep inside Daria as he comes. Some of his jism
dribbles out of the edge of the condom. He now slowly removes the cock and
takes off the condom, tossing it into a nearby trash can. Close-up shot of
Daria, lying there naked with her body drenched in sweat.)
Tom: Did you like that, babe?
Daria: Oh, Tom, you were wonderful.
Tom: The best is yet to come.
(Tom now dives into Daria's pussy and begins to eat it. Daria moans and
clutches the back of Tom's head. We now see various other scenes of sex with
Tom and Daria. We now see Tom straddle Daria's midriff as he puts his dick
between Daria's tits. Daria now squeezes them around Tom's shaft as he
begins to move it up and down Daria's cleavage. We see a shot from Daria's
point of view, as the head of Tom's cock is seen poking in and out of her boobs.
We now see a side shot as Tom comes on Daria's face, neck and breasts. Daria
now gets on her hands and knees as Tom does it to her "doggie-style". Tom
now fondles Daria's breasts from behind as he does this. Tom and Daria now
assume the "spoons" position as they lie on their sides. We now see a shot of
Tom sticking his cock into Daria's pussy and moving in and out of it. Cut to a
tight shot of Daria's face as she moans in ecstacy. Tom now does something
creatively different and sticks his cock inside Daria's belly button. He begins
to jerk off inside of it until he comes, then he takes his right hand and smears
his jism all over Daria's midriff. Tom now fondles Daria's breasts, then begins
to lick, suck and bite on her nipples. Finally we see him straddling Daria's
midriff again, jerking off and coming on Daria's tits. We now see Tom and Daria
cuddling up to each other in bed. The scene fades out.)
Uatu: For Daria and Tom, it was the best night they ever had.
(The next shot we see is Daria and Tom still in bed, but now it's morning.
Daria now stirs a bit, then turns her head to see what time it is.)
Uatu: However, this night would have unforseen consequences.
(Daria now sees that it's the next morning.)
Daria: Holy shit! (She now shakes Tom awake.) Tom, it's in the morning.
We should be getting up now.
Tom: But, Daria, its Saturday.
Daria: I know, Tom, but I did promise Quinn I was going to give her a driving
(Daria now bolts out of the bed and gets dressed.)
Tom: Oh, that. Fine by me, Daria. By the way, did you like what we did last
Daria: (Finishing putting on her clothes.) It was wonderful, Tom. (She now
kisses him.) Thanks. Maybe we can do it again tonight?
Daria: OK then. See you then. I really got to get back home and get Quinn.
Tom: See you then, honey.
Daria: I will. (She now runs out the door.)
Tom: I just hope her parents don't give her too much trouble.
Uatu: Thus Daria headed back home and picked up Quinn for her driving lesson.
(We now see Quinn is at the wheel of the Lexus. Daria is next to her. They're
going down a street.)
Quinn: I'm just happy you decided to fill in for Mom with my driving lesson
today, Daria. Mom had to go to that local bar convention today.
Daria: At the rate she's going, Mom will either be dead from a coronary or
become a justice of the U. S. Supreme Court.
Quinn: Hey, if that happens, maybe Mom can fix me up with a date with a
bailiff! I like guys in uniform.
Daria: I hate to burst your bubble, Quinn, but most of those bailiffs are at
the age where they're about to collect Social Security.
(Quinn now takes a good, hard look at Daria and notices her hair's disheveled.)
Quinn: Daria, don't mind me asking, but what kind of a time did you have with
Tom last night?
Daria: (Blushing.) Well, if you must ask, we had a rather nice time.
Quinn: Daria, I've been on quite a few dates in my life, and I know what it
means when a woman comes home with disheveled hair. May I assume that Tom
rounded the bases, if you know what I mean?
Daria: (Now really getting embarrassed.) As if you're the Hank Aaron of
Quinn: Daria, if you and Tom had sex, it's all right by me. I won't even tell
Mom and Dad.
Daria: Good, because you know how Dad's been acting rather strangly these
Quinn: Tell me about it. I've dated geeks who were livelier than Dad is at the
moment. . .(Realizes the slip-up she just made.) not that I've actually dated
geeks, but if I did, they'd certainly be more lively than Dad is right now.
Daria: Quinn, just give me your word that you won't go telling anyone about
this to anyone.
Quinn: (Raising her hand in a Girl Scout salute.) Scout's honor, Daria.
(We now cut back to Uatu.)
Uatu: However, what Daria didn't know was that Tom was already talking about
his night with Daria with his friends.
(We now see the exterior of the Settlement restaurant as seen in "Dye! Dye! My
Darling!", then we cut to the interior. We see Tom along with a few of his
friends from his school. One is white with black hair, another is
African-American and the third is Japanese-American. Their names, respectively,
are Frank, Joe and Harry.)
Joe: So, you say this Daria Morgendorffer's great in the sack, Tom?
Tom: Yeah, she sure is, Joe.
Frank: Say, maybe you can fix her up with me next weekend.
Harry: Why not this weekend, Frank?
Frank: I've got a date with that
up after we finish our lunch here.
Tom: Well, too bad for you that Daria and I are steady, Frank.
Frank: (Finishing his lunch.) Anyhow, I'm gonna go and get that
See you guys later.
(Frank now leaves the table.)
(We now see a red car pull up
Sandi: Like, you're right on time, Frank.
Frank: Aren't I always?
(Sandi now gets into the car and they drive off.)
Sandi: So, where are we going, Frank?
Frank: I got tickets to see the Lawndale Philharmonic Orchestra in concert.
Tom Sloane's old man copped them for me.
Sandi: Tom Sloan? Isn't he like that cute guy who's like going out with Quinn
Morgendorffer's cous-er, I sister, I mean?
Frank: Daria you mean? Yeah. They had a wonderful time last night at his
Sandi: (Perking up.) Oh, really?
Frank: From what Tom told me, they were at it like rabbits last night.
(Sandi now has an evil smirk on her face.)
Uatu: What Frank didn't realize was that the damage was just beginning.
(We now cut to the main
Jane are headed down the hallway.)
Jane: So, did you and Tom have a nice night the other day?
Daria: Well, yeah.
Jane: How far did you go?
Daria: I'd rather not talk about it.
Jane: Discretion is the better part of valor in this case, I take it?
Daria: You said it.
(We now see that Daria and Jane are approaching the Fashion Club. We see Quinn,
Sandi, Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum-Deckler.)
Sandi: So, Quinn, my date told me that your weirdo sister and her cute but
nerdy boyfriend had quite a time on Friday.
Quinn: What do you mean by that, Sandi?
Sandi: Oh, he just happened to be talking about it to him along with some
mutual friends at the Settlement the next day.
Quinn: Sandi, maybe its all right for men to brag about doing it, but it isn't
right for their friends to go bragging about it to their dates. It's so
(Daria and Jane are now close to the Fashion Club.)
Sandi: In fact, there she is now. (To Daria.) Hey, Daria, had a nice time
with Tom Sloane last night?
Daria: If you must ask, Sandi, I did.
Sandi: I heard you and Tom did the wild thing all night, if you know what I mean.
(Daria now has a shocked look on her face. She now turns to Quinn.)
Daria: Quinn, you didn't tell the Fashion Club about what happened, did you?
Quinn: (Crossing her heart.) I swear to God that I didn't tell anyone, Daria.
Sandi: If it'll make you happy, Daria, Quinn didn't tell. It was a friend of
Tom's who told me.
(Daria now gets angry.)
Daria: Why you little bitch!
(Jane now taps Daria on the shoulder.)
Jane: Speak for yourself, Daria.
(Daria now turns around and sees Jane.)
Daria: What do you mean, Jane?
Jane: I thought I could count on you to do the right thing. Sure, I accepted
that you and Tom were an item, but I never thought you'd stoop to having sex
with my ex-boyfriend.
Daria: Why should it matter to you, Jane? He isn't your personal property.
Jane: I don't want to talk to you right now, Morgendorffer. As far as I'm
concerned, anyone who has sex with their best friend's ex has the morals of an
alley cat. (She now storms off in a fury.)
Sandi: I see the chickens have come home to roost, Daria.
(Daria now slaps Sandi across the face, then leaves in a fury herself.)
(Cut to Stacy, who's been seeing this.)
Stacy: (To herself.) Why did Sandi did that? Sure, Daria's no fashion plate,
but it's really her business whether she wants to have sex with her boyfriend or
not. I should talk to her.
Uatu: Thus like dominoes that fall when the first one topples, the chain
(Some time passes, and we now see Daria walking up to the Sloane residence.
Daria rings the doorbell, and we see Tom answer the door.)
Daria: You bastard!
Tom: Well, hello to you too, Daria.
Daria: You went and told your friends that we slept together, didn't you?
Tom: What makes you think that?
Daria: One of your friends told Sandi Griffin, and she in turn told me. Not
only that, Jane's pissed off at me right now.
Tom: Does that really matter, Daria?
Daria: It does when it renews the rumor mill at school and everyone's thinking
I've become a slut. I hate you! (She now slaps Tom, then slams the door shut
and leaves in a huff.)
Tom: I don't even understand what's going on!
Uatu: Meanwhile, back at Daria's house, an emergency meeting of the Fashion
Club was being held. . .
(We see the Fashion Club gathered in Quinn's room. Quinn's on the bed while
Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are sitting Indian style on the floor.)
Sandi: Anyhow, the reason why I called this emergency meeting of the Fashion
Club is because I am a bit concerned about the recent actions of Quinn's weirdo
Quinn: Sandi, I have to admit Daria having sex with Tom is a bit out of the
ordinary, but why should we be concerned about it?
Sandi: Quinn, the rumors are spreading around the school and in town. You
should be able to handle this situation.
Sandi: We do have standards to uphold, Quinn. Sure, the Fashion Club go
through guys like we go through socks, but sleeping around is not our style.
Tiffany: Yeah, like sex is. . .so icky.
Stacy: Maybe we're missing the whole picture here, guys. What Daria likes to
do on her own time outside of school is her business. It shouldn't be anyone
Sandi: Maybe perhaps you'd like to consider yourself an ex-member of the
Fashion Club, Stacy? (Looks at her angrily.)
Quinn: Stacy's got a point there, Sandi. Maybe I'm not too crazy about my
sister, but I don't like people calling her a slut all because she slept with Tom.
Sandi: Are you challenging my authority, Quinn?
Quinn: No, I'm not, Sandi, but people's reputations have been irreparably
damaged in similar situations.
Sandi: When it's the relative of one of us who's doing it, Quinn, it makes us
all look bad.
Quinn: Well, if you feel like going on a witch hunt then, Sandi, then I don't
have to stay here and hear this. (She now gets up and goes to the door.)
Stacy: Wait, Quinn! I'm joining you!
Sandi: You dare to walk out on me, Stacy Rowe?
Stacy: Yes, I do, Sandi. I'm getting a bit sick and tired of you bossing
everyone else around!
(Stacy now joins Quinn as they leave the room.)
Tiffany: Uh, does this mean that the meeting's adjourned.?
Uatu: From that day on Quinn and Stacy were no longer members of the
Fashion Club. Stacy was just going to go home when Daria now entered the
house. . .
(We see Stacy approaching the front door of the Morgendorffer residence when
Daria opens it violently. Stacy sees this.)
Stacy: Daria, what's the matter?
Daria: I don't want to talk about it, especially to a member of the Fashion Club!
(She now storms over to the stairs.)
Stacy: Daria, I do want to talk to you about it.
Daria: (Sarcastically.) Oh, really?
Stacy: Daria, I'm not a party to what Sandi was doing. I think Sandi's helping
to spread the gossip about you sleeping with Tom is wrong. In fact, I just
stood up for you at the Fashion Club meeting.
Daria: (Shocked.) You. . .you did?
Stacy: So did Quinn. In fact, we just both walked out of the meeting because we
didn't like the way Sandi was pillorying you.
Daria: You two did that for me?
Stacy: Frankly, I don't like the way Sandi's been running the Fashion Club
recently. She really seems to have developed a vindictive attitude about people
who don't meet her standards. I don't like that.
Daria: (Sounding humbled.) Gee, I didn't think any of you Fashion Club fiends
would actually stand up for someone like me.
Stacy: Daria, I know you're not very fashion-minded, but I wouldn't mind
calling you a friend.
Stacy: Besides, I never forgot the day when you and
when I got dumped by Bert Strand at the Medieval Fair. That really meant
something to me. Two people actually took the time to listen to my problems and
gave me advice.
Daria: If I remember correctly, I threatened you with justifiable homicide.
Stacy: Oh, Daria, you're always such a kidder. (Giggles a bit.)
Daria: Oh, Hell. I guess you did kind of owe me something since I did listen
to your concerns that day. (Extends her hand.)
(Stacy takes Daria's hand and shakes it.)
Uatu: From that day on Daria and Stacy became good friends. However, the
fallout from that night of passion had not totally settled down yet. . .
(We now see Andrea enter the house.)
Andrea: Daria, you'd better come with me.
Daria: What's going on, Andrea?
Andrea: It's Jane. She's gone completely bonkers.
Daria: What do you mean?
Andrea: She's at the Big Strawberry, and she's doing some "redecoration" on it.
Daria: Holy shit!
Uatu: The "redecoration" that Jane was doing was rather violent indeed.
(We now cut to the Big Strawberry, as we see Jane's taken a spray can and is
spritzing paint on it. She lets out a primal scream. We pan out to see that
she's spray painted various colors on the monument, and that she's also taken a
sledgehammer and dented it.)
Jane: This is for love! (She sprays some purple spray paint. She now picks up
a can of black spray paint.) This is for romance! (She sprays the black paint
on now. She now picks up a can of yellow paint.) This is for infidelity! (She
sprays the yellow paint on.)
(We now see Jake's blue Lexus pulling up as Daria, Stacy and Andrea exit the
car. They warily approach Jane.)
Jane: (Snidely.) What do you think it looks like I'm doing? I'm taking my
frustrations out! (She now picks up a sledgehammer and smashes it into the
monument, putting another dent on it.)
(We now see Tom's car pulling up. Tom comes out of the car.)
Tom: What in the world?
(Jane sees Tom and now approaches him.)
Jane: I see the Don Juan of Lawndale has now returned. Do you make it a
habit of loving and leaving women like they were used tissue paper?
Tom: That's not so, Jane, and you know it!
Jane: Like you expect me to believe it? First I was in love with you, then
Daria stole you away from me.
Tom: That's not true, Jane. Thing just weren't working out for us.
Jane: Daria was always jealous of us because she wasn't getting anywhere with
Daria: Jane, you're not thinking straight here. (To Tom.) Which doesn't
excuse what you did by bragging about my night with you with your friends.
Tom: All right, if the truth be told, I did have some inside information about
the two of you from someone the both of you know.
Daria: And who's that, may I ask?
Tom: Charles Ruttheimer III. The one you call "Upchuck".
Daria: Oh, my God!
Tom: I just happened to meet him one day at the pizza place you two go to. He
told me all about the two of you. Upchuck figured you and Trent were going
steady, so he recommended that I give Jane a try.
Daria: Tom, Upchuck is not exactly the kind of person to give a ringing
endorsement for available women in this town.
Tom: He seemed harmless enough.
Daria: Yeah, just like Hitler was harmless.
(We now see that the other members of the Fashion Club have now arrived at the
to them is that Quinn,
Sandi: Well, well, well, if it isn't the gigolo and his paramour, right at the
scene of the crime with their mutual ex-friend.
Daria: Don't make matters worse than they are now, Sandi.
Sandi: If the shoe fits, slut, take it off!
(Daria now growls in anger.)
(Quinn now approaches Sandi.)
Quinn: Daria's right, Sandi. Keep out of this.
Sandi: Why don't you take your own advice and keep out of this yourself, Quinn?
(Upchuck now approaches Daria, Jane and Tom.)
Upchuck: Ah, here's my friend Tom and his two girlfriends. How are you all
Daria: Upchuck, leave us alone or so help me I'll scratch your eyes out!
Upchuck: Rowr! Feisty!
Jane: This is none of your business,
Daria: I can't believe that the people I thought I could rely on are betraying
Daria: (Now admitting this for the first time.) I had a crush on you, Trent,
but you were more concerned with Monique!
really in love with Monique!
(Daria now slaps
Daria: (Now angrily approaching Upchuck.) And as for you, Upchuck, how dare
you recommend Jane and me to a complete stranger so you can vicariously fulfil
your wildest fantasies with us!
Upchuck: Who, moi?
(Daria now slaps Upchuck.)
Daria: And you, Tom, how dare you go bragging with your friends about our
Tom: It was just harmless talk.
Daria: Harmless talk that went out of control! (She now slaps Tom. She now
approaches Sandi.) And you didn't help matters by spreading the story around
Sandi: You know what it is, Daria? You just feel you're so better than I am
because you're so smart and cynical. It's nice to see that you're only human
and you make mistakes just like anyone else.
(Daria now loses it and slugs Sandi one. They now get into a catfight, punching
each other, then they fall to the ground and roll around on the grass.)
Quinn: Daria, Sandi, stop it! Stop it!
(Stacy now grabs Sandi and surprisingly slugs her one. Sandi staggers,then
falls. She slowly gets up.)
Sandi: You just did the unpardonable sin, Stacy. For that, you're out of the
Fashion Club! You and Quinn both!
Stacy: Well, Sandi, I just don't give a damn anymore!
(Stacy and Quinn now leave, followed by Daria, Jane, Tom, and Upchuck. Sandi is
left with Tiffany.)
Sandi: Go ahead and walk away! I can make or break any of you, because I'm the
President of the Fashion Club!
Tiffany: Sandi. . .I don't think there's a Fashion Club. . .to be President of
Sandi: So now you're going to abandon me as well, Tiffany? (Tiffany now
begins to walk away.) Go ahead, then, abandon me! I'm still queen of the hill!
(She now begins to laugh manically. We now zoom in on her face, then we pull
back as we see that she's now in a straighjacket in a padded cell.)
Uatu: From that day on, Sandi Griffin was hopelessly insane. Eventually the
law caught up with Jane, and she was ordered to pay restitution to the damage
she inflicted on the Big Strawberry. In order to pay the damages, she took a
job at the Pizza King restaurant where she and Daria often ate. Now, just a
month before they were due to graduate, Daria decided that she, Jane and Tom
needed to settle their differences.
(The scene now shifts to the Pizza King restaurant. We see Jane at the counter,
wearing a red collared T-shirt and pants and a red paper hat of the kind fast
food workers wear. We see Tom enter the restaurant. Jane has a surprised look
on her face.)
Jane: Tom, what are you doing here?
Tom: Daria told me to meet me here. I haven't seen her in a couple of months.
Jane: Same here.
(Daria now enters. She motions to Jane and Tom.)
Tom: I think we're being summoned to an audience.
(Jane and Tom join Daria at a table.)
Daria: I guess you're all wondering why I asked you here.
Jane: That would help explain why we're here, Daria.
Daria: I haven't seen the both of you for a couple of month. I guess I should
explain myself. I guess I held a grudge against the two of you over what
happened. I let myself get carried away over it.
Jane: I think I did the same thing myself. I guess I overreacted when I heard
that you and Tom. . .well, you know.
Tom: And I didn't help matters by bragging about it to my friends.
Daria: I want to apologize to the two of you over what happened.
Jane: I'm sorry for what I did as well, Daria.
Tom: I'm sorry as well.
Daria: Tom, I think that perhaps it would be best if we ended our relationship.
Not that we can't remain friends.
Tom: You're right about this, Daria. We went too fast in our relationship, and
it destroyed it. However, I do want to remain close.
Daria: As for you, Jane, I think we both let our emotions get the better of us.
Jane: Agreed. I shouldn't have reacted like I did.
Daria: So, let's bury the hatchet, guys.
Tom: Same here.
(We now surprisingly see Quinn and Stacy enter the restaurant.)
Stacy: Hey, guys, how are you doing?
Daria: Fine. We just buried the hatchet.
Jane: How's Sandi doing?
Quinn: Tiffany just returned from the mental hospital she's in. She's
hopelessly insane. She blames you for what happened to her, Daria.
(Daria shrugs her shoulders.)
Jane: So, where are you to former lovebirds going to college?
Tom: I'm going to Bromwell.
Jane: I just heard back from Boston Fine Arts College. They accepted my
Daria: That means the two of us are headed to
Jane: Exactly. Of course I'll try to see you in-between classes and work.
Daria: What do you mean?
Jane: Pizza King's transferring me to a restaurant close to BFAC so I can
continue paying for the damage I wreaked on the Big Strawberry.
Tom: Well, I'm glad some good is coming out of all this.
(We now pull back from the group at the table. We fade into Uatu.)
Uatu: Thus did Daria, Jane and Tom settle their differences, and thus the
cosmic balance was set aright.
(Fade to black.)
(We see some appropriate closing credits, then we fade to a yellow background as
we hear Eric Siday and Van Alexander's famed "Screen Gems Jingle" playing. We
see approaching from the left a homicidal maniac wielding an ax while from the
right we see Jeeves the butler as if he's running in terror from the homicidal
maniac. We hear the homicidal maniac shriek "SCREAM, JEEVES!!!!!!!!!!" Then we
hear Jeeves go "AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" We now see the caption "SCREAM, JEEVES"
in black letters pop up from below the figures. Fade to black.)
THIS HAS BEEN A SCREAM, JEEVES PRESENTATION!
A subsidiary of MARK Ø FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED !
Home page: http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938
Official chat room #markzero located at Sorcery.Net
(Java chat client available at http://www.sorcery.net)
SCREAM, JEEVES! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!