WHAT IF DARIA AND TOM DID IT?

A "Daria"/"What If?" Crossover Fan Fiction Story

by

Apollo C. Vermouth

 

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With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.

 

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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND WARNINGS

 

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None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction.

 

Since this story has explicit nudity and sex, no one under the age of 18 may

read this story. That means you.

 

All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999, 2003 MTV Networks, a division of

Viacom International, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

All "What If?" characters are (c) 1963, 2003 Marvel Entertainment Group, Inc. All

rights reserved.

 

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(We start with a shot of the moon, then we slowly zoom in on a specific part of

it: The so-called "Blue Area" that's mentioned in the Marvel Comics Universe.

We now see the tower that serves as the residence of Uatu, the Watcher of Earth.

We now see Uatu at his desk.)

 

Uatu: My name is Uatu. My race was old when Earth was young. It has been my

pleasure to see the development of mankind from the days that he lived in caves

to the age of the Internet. (We now see various pictures flash by; they

include: Cavemen, Moses bringing down the Ten Commandments, Jesus Christ

being crucified, the fall of Rome, Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the

door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany, the Pilgrims landing on

Plymouth Rock, the American Revolution, both World Wars, man landing on the

Moon, and so forth. We now see pictures of the various Marvel superheroes like

the Fantastic Four, the Hulk, the X-Men and Captain America in action.) It has

been my especial privilege to see the elite few who have powers and abilities

beyond those of other humans fight for truth and justice. (We now see that

familiar house at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale.) However, not all of my

observations have been of superheroes. I have also seen the everyday cares and

concerns of ordinary humans as well. (We now see Daria Morgendorffer lying on

her bed.) Take for instance this young woman. Her name is Daria Morgendorffer.

In your reality she is a smart, cynical teenage girl whom life has not been

rather fair with. Like anyone else she has had her share of ups and downs.

Take for instance a notable incident in her life, when her best friend Jane Lane

met a young man named Tom Sloane. . .(We see Jane Jane and Tom Sloan meeting

in that crucial early scene in the episode "Jane's Addition.") At first Daria

did not take well to these events. (We see Daria confronting Jane about Tom.)

However, in time, Daria began to accept Jane's relationship with Tom. (We now

see Daria and Tom at the Lawndale homecoming parade from the episode "I

Loathe a Parade".) However, things took a rather sudden turn one day when

Daria botched up dying Jane's hair. . .

 

(We now see Daria removing the towel from Jane's head from the episode "Dye!

Dye! My Darling!")

 

Jane: AAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

 

Uatu: Daria then tried to explain things to Tom, which led to this moment. . .

 

(We now see the pivotal scene in that episode where Daria and Tom French kiss.)

 

Daria: (Rapidly disengaging from Tom.) Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

 

Uatu: Jane did not take kindly to this turn of events and left to spend her

summer at an artist's colony. Eventually, Daria and Jane resolved their

differences. (We now see the scene from the movie "Is It Fall Yet?" where Daria

and Jane reconcile.) Daria and Tom now began a relationship of their own.

Sometime later, Tom spent some time at Daria's house and accidentally fell

asleep. . .(We now see the scene from "My Night at Daria's" where Daria and

Tom now realize they overslept.) That incident led to rumors that they had

slept together. Eventually Daria thought she should have sex with Tom. . .(We

now see the scene from later on in that episode where Tom takes a condom out.)

However, Daria later developed cold feet. (We now see the scene where Daria

hesitates to leave the house to head for her rendevouz with Tom.) Eventually

Daria and Tom realized they did not need to have sex in order to be more

intimate. (We now see Tom kiss Daria.) Eventually, Daria and Tom would end

their relationship before they both left for college. So it was in your

reality. However, I have seen the alternate realities as well. I will now peel

the thin curtain that separates one reality from another to take a look at this

situation from a different perspective. . .

 

(We now see Daria at the kitchen getting ready to go. Helen, Daria's mother,

approaches her daughter.)

 

Helen: Daria, shouldn't you be going to Tom's? You did mention something

about you were going to have a special night with him.

 

Daria: I'm just about to go, Mom. (She now thinks to herself.) If I go ahead

with this, will Tom still respect me in the morning? If I don't go ahead with

this, the rumors are still going to be circulating around school. I love Tom,

but should I really go ahead with this? Then again, he seems to be more aware

of himself and his surroundings than Trent. Besides, Trent's in love with

Monique, and I can't give her any adequate competiton. I'm going to go ahead

with this because I might not get an opportunity like this anytime soon. (She

now turns to Helen.) I'm on my way, Mom.

 

Helen: Have a nice time, Dear.

 

(Daria now walks past the living room. Jake, her father, just gives her a

forelorn look. Quinn, Daria's sister, now approaches.)

 

Quinn: Dad, it looks like you just lost your best friend.

 

Jake: Maybe I have, Quinn.

 

(Quinn looks at Jake puzzledly.)

 

Uatu: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will now give you the answer you have been

waiting for. Join me now as we answer the question. . .

 

WHAT IF DARIA AND TOM DID IT?

 

(We now see Jake's blue Lexus pulling up to the Sloane residence. Daria now

exits the car and approaches the front door of the house. Daria now rings the

doorbell. Tom answers the door. He looks at a watch.)

 

Tom: You're right on time, Daria.

 

Daria: I was never one to be fashionably late. (Pauses.) So, where are your

parents?

 

Tom: They've gone to a fundraiser in the opposite end of the state. They won't

be back until the day after tomorrow.

 

Daria: So, shall we get this over with?

 

Tom: Follow me.

 

(Daria now enters the house and follows Tom upstairs to his room. Tom grabs the

doorknob.)

 

Daria: I certainly hope you're not the kind whose into leather and ropes.

 

Tom: Don't worry. I'm not. But you will like the way I redecorated my room.

 

(Tom now opens the door to his room, and Daria now takes a look at what he's

done. She has a surprised look on her face as she sees the candles he's got in

the room.)

 

Daria: Are you turning your room into some monestary?

 

Tom: No, I just thought the candles would help set the mood.

 

Daria: Before we go any furhter, I just want to know something.

 

Tom: Yes?

 

Daria: You didn't do it with any other girls before me, have you?

 

Tom: No.

 

Daria: Not even Jane?

 

Tom: Not even Jane.

 

Daria: Of course you realize I'll have to inject my partner in crime with truth

serum the next time I see her and confirm this.

 

Tom: Hey, if you can't trust me, who can you trust? (Smiles.)

 

(Daria can't possibly come up with a comeback to that, so she just does her Mona

Lisa smirk. She now puts herself on the bed.)

 

Daria: So, why don't we get started?

 

Tom: Glad you asked.

 

(Tom now goes on the bed and sits next to Daria. They now draw closer, then

they French kiss. They now begin to grope each other's backs. Daria now senses

she feels something poking at her midriff.)

 

Daria: Tom, I just felt something poking me.

 

Tom: It's just me, I guess. (He now looks down at himself.) It was I. I'm

getting a bit excited. (He now gets up and goes to his dresser. He removes a

condom from the top drawer. He now returns to the bed and puts the condom next

to him.) Shall we continue?

 

Daria: Sure.

 

(They now resume French kissing. Tom now removes Daria's glasses and puts them

on the dresser. Tom now approaches Daria and slowly removes her jacket. Daria

closes her eyes and tilts her head back slightly while he does this. Daria now

removes Tom's shirt, then begins to rub his bare chest with the palm of her

right hand. Daria now slowly moves the hand down to the zipper of Tom's pants,

slowly unzippers it and sees the bulge in his briefs.)

 

Tom: Uh, uh, uh. Not until you take some more off.

 

(Daria takes the hint and removes her orange T-shirt, revealing that she's

wearing a white bra. Daria now slowly slips out of her pleated skirt and lets

it drop to the floor, revealing the white panties she's wearing beneath it. Tom

now removes his shoes and socks and lets his pants slide to the floor, kicking

them off. Daria now removes her boots and tosses them to a corner of the room,

along with her socks. Daria now lies on the bed while Tom gets on top of her.

They resum French kissing, with Daria now caressing Tom's back.)

 

Daria: Oh, Tom, take me.

 

(Tom now goes behind Daria's back and unhooks her bra. He removes it, revealing

her breasts. Her nipples are now erect. Tom looks at Daria's breasts.)

 

Tom: Daria, did anyone tell you that you have such beautiful tits?

 

Daria: (Blushing.) Well, they're pretty small, so no one really notices them.

 

Tom: Size doesn't matter to me.

 

(Daria now wickedly grins over that, then tugs off her panties, then takes off

Tom's briefs, exposing his now erect cock.)

 

Daria: What shall we do first?

 

Tom: It's up to you, Daria.

 

(Daria now contemplates Tom's rigid member for a moment, then takes her tongue

and begins to lick its shaft. Tom begins to moan. Daria now slowly takes it

inside her mouth, then begins to suck on it, bobbing her head up and down.)

 

Tom: Oh, yeah, Daria, suck on it, baby.

 

(Daria continues to suck on Tom's dick. Tom now grabs hold of Daria's head and

pushes it up and down on his member. Daria begins to moan.)

 

Tom: Yeah, baby, yeah.

 

(Finally Tom comes in Daria's mouth, and she deftly swallows his load.)

 

Tom: Did it taste good, baby?

 

Daria: Yeah, honey, it tasted good.

 

(Daria now lies on the bed and spreads her legs. Tom now grabs the condom and

puts it on his cock. Tom now approaches Daria and begins to French kiss her.)

 

Tom: It might hurt a bit when I first penetrate you.

 

Daria: I know you'll be gentle with me.

 

(Tom now gets himself into position, then slowly introduces himself into Daria.

Cut to Daria's face, as she gasps, first in shock and pain, then as Tom finds

himself and finally gets himself inside her, she begins to moan in pleasure. Tom

begins to move back and forth. Cut to Daria as we see her head and breasts

bounce up and down with each stroke.)

 

Tom: You liking this so far, baby.

 

Daria: Oh, Tom, fuck me, fuck me hard!

 

(Tom now begins to fondle Daria's breasts, then he begins to lick, suck and bite

on her nipples. We now see a shot of Tom's cock pounding away inside Daria's

pussy. Cut back to Daria, who's now tossing her head back and forth in throes

of ecstacy.)

 

Tom: Oh, baby, fucking you is Heaven!

 

Daria: Don't stop now, Tom! Fuck me like a jackhammer!

 

(Tom continues to fuck Daria. We now see an overhead shot of the two as Tom's

ass bounces up and down with each stroke. We now see a closer shot, as we see

Daria's moaning in ecstacy, her tits bouncing up and down with each stroke.)

 

Tom: Oh, God, baby, I'm gonna come!

 

(We now see Tom drive himself deep inside Daria as he comes. Some of his jism

dribbles out of the edge of the condom. He now slowly removes the cock and

takes off the condom, tossing it into a nearby trash can. Close-up shot of

Daria, lying there naked with her body drenched in sweat.)

 

Tom: Did you like that, babe?

 

Daria: Oh, Tom, you were wonderful.

 

Tom: The best is yet to come.

 

(Tom now dives into Daria's pussy and begins to eat it. Daria moans and

clutches the back of Tom's head. We now see various other scenes of sex with

Tom and Daria. We now see Tom straddle Daria's midriff as he puts his dick

between Daria's tits. Daria now squeezes them around Tom's shaft as he

begins to move it up and down Daria's cleavage. We see a shot from Daria's

point of view, as the head of Tom's cock is seen poking in and out of her boobs.

We now see a side shot as Tom comes on Daria's face, neck and breasts. Daria

now gets on her hands and knees as Tom does it to her "doggie-style". Tom

now fondles Daria's breasts from behind as he does this. Tom and Daria now

assume the "spoons" position as they lie on their sides. We now see a shot of

Tom sticking his cock into Daria's pussy and moving in and out of it. Cut to a

tight shot of Daria's face as she moans in ecstacy. Tom now does something

creatively different and sticks his cock inside Daria's belly button. He begins

to jerk off inside of it until he comes, then he takes his right hand and smears

his jism all over Daria's midriff. Tom now fondles Daria's breasts, then begins

to lick, suck and bite on her nipples. Finally we see him straddling Daria's

midriff again, jerking off and coming on Daria's tits. We now see Tom and Daria

cuddling up to each other in bed. The scene fades out.)

 

Uatu: For Daria and Tom, it was the best night they ever had.

 

(The next shot we see is Daria and Tom still in bed, but now it's morning.

Daria now stirs a bit, then turns her head to see what time it is.)

 

Uatu: However, this night would have unforseen consequences.

 

(Daria now sees that it's 8:30 AM the next morning.)

 

Daria: Holy shit! (She now shakes Tom awake.) Tom, it's 8:30 in the morning.

We should be getting up now.

 

Tom: But, Daria, its Saturday.

 

Daria: I know, Tom, but I did promise Quinn I was going to give her a driving

lesson.

 

(Daria now bolts out of the bed and gets dressed.)

 

Tom: Oh, that. Fine by me, Daria. By the way, did you like what we did last

night?

 

Daria: (Finishing putting on her clothes.) It was wonderful, Tom. (She now

kisses him.) Thanks. Maybe we can do it again tonight?

 

Tom: Sure.

 

Daria: OK then. See you then. I really got to get back home and get Quinn.

 

Tom: See you then, honey.

 

Daria: I will. (She now runs out the door.)

 

Tom: I just hope her parents don't give her too much trouble.

 

Uatu: Thus Daria headed back home and picked up Quinn for her driving lesson.

 

(We now see Quinn is at the wheel of the Lexus. Daria is next to her. They're

going down a street.)

 

Quinn: I'm just happy you decided to fill in for Mom with my driving lesson

today, Daria. Mom had to go to that local bar convention today.

 

Daria: At the rate she's going, Mom will either be dead from a coronary or

become a justice of the U. S. Supreme Court.

 

Quinn: Hey, if that happens, maybe Mom can fix me up with a date with a

bailiff! I like guys in uniform.

 

Daria: I hate to burst your bubble, Quinn, but most of those bailiffs are at

the age where they're about to collect Social Security.

 

(Quinn now takes a good, hard look at Daria and notices her hair's disheveled.)

 

Quinn: Daria, don't mind me asking, but what kind of a time did you have with

Tom last night?

 

Daria: (Blushing.) Well, if you must ask, we had a rather nice time.

 

Quinn: Daria, I've been on quite a few dates in my life, and I know what it

means when a woman comes home with disheveled hair. May I assume that Tom

rounded the bases, if you know what I mean?

 

Daria: (Now really getting embarrassed.) As if you're the Hank Aaron of

relationships yourself.

 

Quinn: Daria, if you and Tom had sex, it's all right by me. I won't even tell

Mom and Dad.

 

Daria: Good, because you know how Dad's been acting rather strangly these

days.

 

Quinn: Tell me about it. I've dated geeks who were livelier than Dad is at the

moment. . .(Realizes the slip-up she just made.) not that I've actually dated

geeks, but if I did, they'd certainly be more lively than Dad is right now.

 

Daria: Quinn, just give me your word that you won't go telling anyone about

this to anyone.

 

Quinn: (Raising her hand in a Girl Scout salute.) Scout's honor, Daria.

 

(We now cut back to Uatu.)

 

Uatu: However, what Daria didn't know was that Tom was already talking about

his night with Daria with his friends.

 

(We now see the exterior of the Settlement restaurant as seen in "Dye! Dye! My

Darling!", then we cut to the interior. We see Tom along with a few of his

friends from his school. One is white with black hair, another is

African-American and the third is Japanese-American. Their names, respectively,

are Frank, Joe and Harry.)

 

Joe: So, you say this Daria Morgendorffer's great in the sack, Tom?

 

Tom: Yeah, she sure is, Joe.

 

Frank: Say, maybe you can fix her up with me next weekend.

 

Harry: Why not this weekend, Frank?

 

Frank: I've got a date with that Griffin girl. I'm supposed to be picking her

up after we finish our lunch here.

 

Tom: Well, too bad for you that Daria and I are steady, Frank.

 

Frank: (Finishing his lunch.) Anyhow, I'm gonna go and get that Griffin girl.

See you guys later.

 

(Frank now leaves the table.)

 

(We now see a red car pull up to the Griffin residence. We see Sandi

Griffin-the President of the Fashion Club-step out of the house and approach

the car.)

 

Sandi: Like, you're right on time, Frank.

 

Frank: Aren't I always?

 

(Sandi now gets into the car and they drive off.)

 

Sandi: So, where are we going, Frank?

 

Frank: I got tickets to see the Lawndale Philharmonic Orchestra in concert.

Tom Sloane's old man copped them for me.

 

Sandi: Tom Sloan? Isn't he like that cute guy who's like going out with Quinn

Morgendorffer's cous-er, I sister, I mean?

 

Frank: Daria you mean? Yeah. They had a wonderful time last night at his

place.

 

Sandi: (Perking up.) Oh, really?

 

Frank: From what Tom told me, they were at it like rabbits last night.

 

(Sandi now has an evil smirk on her face.)

 

Uatu: What Frank didn't realize was that the damage was just beginning.

 

(We now cut to the main hallway of Lawndale High School on Monday. Daria and

Jane are headed down the hallway.)

 

Jane: So, did you and Tom have a nice night the other day?

 

Daria: Well, yeah.

 

Jane: How far did you go?

 

Daria: I'd rather not talk about it.

 

Jane: Discretion is the better part of valor in this case, I take it?

 

Daria: You said it.

 

(We now see that Daria and Jane are approaching the Fashion Club. We see Quinn,

Sandi, Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum-Deckler.)

 

Sandi: So, Quinn, my date told me that your weirdo sister and her cute but

nerdy boyfriend had quite a time on Friday.

 

Quinn: What do you mean by that, Sandi?

 

Sandi: Oh, he just happened to be talking about it to him along with some

mutual friends at the Settlement the next day.

 

Quinn: Sandi, maybe its all right for men to brag about doing it, but it isn't

right for their friends to go bragging about it to their dates. It's so

uncouth.

 

(Daria and Jane are now close to the Fashion Club.)

 

Sandi: In fact, there she is now. (To Daria.) Hey, Daria, had a nice time

with Tom Sloane last night?

 

Daria: If you must ask, Sandi, I did.

 

Sandi: I heard you and Tom did the wild thing all night, if you know what I mean.

 

(Daria now has a shocked look on her face. She now turns to Quinn.)

 

Daria: Quinn, you didn't tell the Fashion Club about what happened, did you?

 

Quinn: (Crossing her heart.) I swear to God that I didn't tell anyone, Daria.

 

Sandi: If it'll make you happy, Daria, Quinn didn't tell. It was a friend of

Tom's who told me.

 

(Daria now gets angry.)

 

Daria: Why you little bitch!

 

(Jane now taps Daria on the shoulder.)

 

Jane: Speak for yourself, Daria.

 

(Daria now turns around and sees Jane.)

 

Daria: What do you mean, Jane?

 

Jane: I thought I could count on you to do the right thing. Sure, I accepted

that you and Tom were an item, but I never thought you'd stoop to having sex

with my ex-boyfriend.

 

Daria: Why should it matter to you, Jane? He isn't your personal property.

 

Jane: I don't want to talk to you right now, Morgendorffer. As far as I'm

concerned, anyone who has sex with their best friend's ex has the morals of an

alley cat. (She now storms off in a fury.)

 

Sandi: I see the chickens have come home to roost, Daria.

 

(Daria now slaps Sandi across the face, then leaves in a fury herself.)

 

(Cut to Stacy, who's been seeing this.)

 

Stacy: (To herself.) Why did Sandi did that? Sure, Daria's no fashion plate,

but it's really her business whether she wants to have sex with her boyfriend or

not. I should talk to her.

 

Uatu: Thus like dominoes that fall when the first one topples, the chain

reaction continued.

 

(Some time passes, and we now see Daria walking up to the Sloane residence.

Daria rings the doorbell, and we see Tom answer the door.)

 

Daria: You bastard!

 

Tom: Well, hello to you too, Daria.

 

Daria: You went and told your friends that we slept together, didn't you?

 

Tom: What makes you think that?

 

Daria: One of your friends told Sandi Griffin, and she in turn told me. Not

only that, Jane's pissed off at me right now.

 

Tom: Does that really matter, Daria?

 

Daria: It does when it renews the rumor mill at school and everyone's thinking

I've become a slut. I hate you! (She now slaps Tom, then slams the door shut

and leaves in a huff.)

 

Tom: I don't even understand what's going on!

 

Uatu: Meanwhile, back at Daria's house, an emergency meeting of the Fashion

Club was being held. . .

 

(We see the Fashion Club gathered in Quinn's room. Quinn's on the bed while

Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are sitting Indian style on the floor.)

 

Sandi: Anyhow, the reason why I called this emergency meeting of the Fashion

Club is because I am a bit concerned about the recent actions of Quinn's weirdo

sister, Daria.

 

Quinn: Sandi, I have to admit Daria having sex with Tom is a bit out of the

ordinary, but why should we be concerned about it?

 

Sandi: Quinn, the rumors are spreading around the school and in town. You

should be able to handle this situation.

 

Quinn: Me?

 

Sandi: We do have standards to uphold, Quinn. Sure, the Fashion Club go

through guys like we go through socks, but sleeping around is not our style.

 

Tiffany: Yeah, like sex is. . .so icky.

 

Stacy: Maybe we're missing the whole picture here, guys. What Daria likes to

do on her own time outside of school is her business. It shouldn't be anyone

else's concern.

 

Sandi: Maybe perhaps you'd like to consider yourself an ex-member of the

Fashion Club, Stacy? (Looks at her angrily.)

 

Stacy: Eep!

 

Quinn: Stacy's got a point there, Sandi. Maybe I'm not too crazy about my

sister, but I don't like people calling her a slut all because she slept with Tom.

 

Sandi: Are you challenging my authority, Quinn?

 

Quinn: No, I'm not, Sandi, but people's reputations have been irreparably

damaged in similar situations.

 

Sandi: When it's the relative of one of us who's doing it, Quinn, it makes us

all look bad.

 

Quinn: Well, if you feel like going on a witch hunt then, Sandi, then I don't

have to stay here and hear this. (She now gets up and goes to the door.)

 

Stacy: Wait, Quinn! I'm joining you!

 

Sandi: You dare to walk out on me, Stacy Rowe?

 

Stacy: Yes, I do, Sandi. I'm getting a bit sick and tired of you bossing

everyone else around!

 

(Stacy now joins Quinn as they leave the room.)

 

 

Tiffany: Uh, does this mean that the meeting's adjourned.?

 

Uatu: From that day on Quinn and Stacy were no longer members of the

Fashion Club. Stacy was just going to go home when Daria now entered the

house. . .

 

(We see Stacy approaching the front door of the Morgendorffer residence when

Daria opens it violently. Stacy sees this.)

 

Stacy: Daria, what's the matter?

 

Daria: I don't want to talk about it, especially to a member of the Fashion Club!

 

(She now storms over to the stairs.)

 

Stacy: Daria, I do want to talk to you about it.

 

Daria: (Sarcastically.) Oh, really?

 

Stacy: Daria, I'm not a party to what Sandi was doing. I think Sandi's helping

to spread the gossip about you sleeping with Tom is wrong. In fact, I just

stood up for you at the Fashion Club meeting.

 

Daria: (Shocked.) You. . .you did?

 

Stacy: So did Quinn. In fact, we just both walked out of the meeting because we

didn't like the way Sandi was pillorying you.

 

Daria: You two did that for me?

 

Stacy: Frankly, I don't like the way Sandi's been running the Fashion Club

recently. She really seems to have developed a vindictive attitude about people

who don't meet her standards. I don't like that.

 

Daria: (Sounding humbled.) Gee, I didn't think any of you Fashion Club fiends

would actually stand up for someone like me.

 

Stacy: Daria, I know you're not very fashion-minded, but I wouldn't mind

calling you a friend.

 

Daria: Really?

 

Stacy: Besides, I never forgot the day when you and Jane Lane listened to me

when I got dumped by Bert Strand at the Medieval Fair. That really meant

something to me. Two people actually took the time to listen to my problems and

gave me advice.

 

Daria: If I remember correctly, I threatened you with justifiable homicide.

 

Stacy: Oh, Daria, you're always such a kidder. (Giggles a bit.)

 

Daria: Oh, Hell. I guess you did kind of owe me something since I did listen

to your concerns that day. (Extends her hand.)

 

(Stacy takes Daria's hand and shakes it.)

 

Uatu: From that day on Daria and Stacy became good friends. However, the

fallout from that night of passion had not totally settled down yet. . .

 

(We now see Andrea enter the house.)

 

Andrea: Daria, you'd better come with me.

 

Daria: What's going on, Andrea?

 

Andrea: It's Jane. She's gone completely bonkers.

 

Daria: What do you mean?

 

Andrea: She's at the Big Strawberry, and she's doing some "redecoration" on it.

 

Daria: Holy shit!

 

Uatu: The "redecoration" that Jane was doing was rather violent indeed.

 

(We now cut to the Big Strawberry, as we see Jane's taken a spray can and is

spritzing paint on it. She lets out a primal scream. We pan out to see that

she's spray painted various colors on the monument, and that she's also taken a

sledgehammer and dented it.)

 

Jane: This is for love! (She sprays some purple spray paint. She now picks up

a can of black spray paint.) This is for romance! (She sprays the black paint

on now. She now picks up a can of yellow paint.) This is for infidelity! (She

sprays the yellow paint on.)

 

(We now see Jake's blue Lexus pulling up as Daria, Stacy and Andrea exit the

car. They warily approach Jane.)

 

Daria: Jane Lane, what the Hell are you doing?

 

Jane: (Snidely.) What do you think it looks like I'm doing? I'm taking my

frustrations out! (She now picks up a sledgehammer and smashes it into the

monument, putting another dent on it.)

 

(We now see Tom's car pulling up. Tom comes out of the car.)

 

Tom: What in the world?

 

(Jane sees Tom and now approaches him.)

 

Jane: I see the Don Juan of Lawndale has now returned. Do you make it a

habit of loving and leaving women like they were used tissue paper?

 

Tom: That's not so, Jane, and you know it!

 

Jane: Like you expect me to believe it? First I was in love with you, then

Daria stole you away from me.

 

Tom: That's not true, Jane. Thing just weren't working out for us.

 

Jane: Daria was always jealous of us because she wasn't getting anywhere with

Trent. So what better way to get even with him than through me?

 

Daria: Jane, you're not thinking straight here. (To Tom.) Which doesn't

excuse what you did by bragging about my night with you with your friends.

 

Tom: All right, if the truth be told, I did have some inside information about

the two of you from someone the both of you know.

 

Daria: And who's that, may I ask?

 

Tom: Charles Ruttheimer III. The one you call "Upchuck".

 

Daria: Oh, my God!

 

Tom: I just happened to meet him one day at the pizza place you two go to. He

told me all about the two of you. Upchuck figured you and Trent were going

steady, so he recommended that I give Jane a try.

 

Daria: Tom, Upchuck is not exactly the kind of person to give a ringing

endorsement for available women in this town.

 

Tom: He seemed harmless enough.

 

Daria: Yeah, just like Hitler was harmless.

 

(We now see that the other members of the Fashion Club have now arrived at the

scene. Unbeknownst to them is that Quinn, Trent Lane and Upchuck are behind

them.)

 

Sandi: Well, well, well, if it isn't the gigolo and his paramour, right at the

scene of the crime with their mutual ex-friend.

 

Daria: Don't make matters worse than they are now, Sandi.

 

Sandi: If the shoe fits, slut, take it off!

 

(Daria now growls in anger.)

 

(Quinn now approaches Sandi.)

 

Quinn: Daria's right, Sandi. Keep out of this.

 

Sandi: Why don't you take your own advice and keep out of this yourself, Quinn?

 

(Upchuck now approaches Daria, Jane and Tom.)

 

Upchuck: Ah, here's my friend Tom and his two girlfriends. How are you all

doing?

 

Daria: Upchuck, leave us alone or so help me I'll scratch your eyes out!

 

Upchuck: Rowr! Feisty!

 

(Trent now approaches the others.)

 

Trent: Janey, what's happening with you, Daria and Tom?

 

Jane: This is none of your business, Trent!

 

Daria: I can't believe that the people I thought I could rely on are betraying

me!

 

Trent: What do you mean, Daria?

 

Daria: (Now admitting this for the first time.) I had a crush on you, Trent,

but you were more concerned with Monique!

 

Trent: (Now getting close to Daria.) Daria, I like you as a friend, but I'm

really in love with Monique!

 

(Daria now slaps Trent.)

 

Daria: (Now angrily approaching Upchuck.) And as for you, Upchuck, how dare

you recommend Jane and me to a complete stranger so you can vicariously fulfil

your wildest fantasies with us!

 

Upchuck: Who, moi?

 

(Daria now slaps Upchuck.)

 

Daria: And you, Tom, how dare you go bragging with your friends about our

night together!

 

Tom: It was just harmless talk.

 

Daria: Harmless talk that went out of control! (She now slaps Tom. She now

approaches Sandi.) And you didn't help matters by spreading the story around

the school.)

 

Sandi: You know what it is, Daria? You just feel you're so better than I am

because you're so smart and cynical. It's nice to see that you're only human

and you make mistakes just like anyone else.

 

(Daria now loses it and slugs Sandi one. They now get into a catfight, punching

each other, then they fall to the ground and roll around on the grass.)

 

Quinn: Daria, Sandi, stop it! Stop it!

 

(Stacy now grabs Sandi and surprisingly slugs her one. Sandi staggers,then

falls. She slowly gets up.)

 

Sandi: You just did the unpardonable sin, Stacy. For that, you're out of the

Fashion Club! You and Quinn both!

 

Stacy: Well, Sandi, I just don't give a damn anymore!

 

(Stacy and Quinn now leave, followed by Daria, Jane, Tom, and Upchuck. Sandi is

left with Tiffany.)

 

Sandi: Go ahead and walk away! I can make or break any of you, because I'm the

President of the Fashion Club!

 

Tiffany: Sandi. . .I don't think there's a Fashion Club. . .to be President of

anymore!

 

Sandi: So now you're going to abandon me as well, Tiffany? (Tiffany now

begins to walk away.) Go ahead, then, abandon me! I'm still queen of the hill!

(She now begins to laugh manically. We now zoom in on her face, then we pull

back as we see that she's now in a straighjacket in a padded cell.)

 

Uatu: From that day on, Sandi Griffin was hopelessly insane. Eventually the

law caught up with Jane, and she was ordered to pay restitution to the damage

she inflicted on the Big Strawberry. In order to pay the damages, she took a

job at the Pizza King restaurant where she and Daria often ate. Now, just a

month before they were due to graduate, Daria decided that she, Jane and Tom

needed to settle their differences.

 

(The scene now shifts to the Pizza King restaurant. We see Jane at the counter,

wearing a red collared T-shirt and pants and a red paper hat of the kind fast

food workers wear. We see Tom enter the restaurant. Jane has a surprised look

on her face.)

 

Jane: Tom, what are you doing here?

 

Tom: Daria told me to meet me here. I haven't seen her in a couple of months.

 

Jane: Same here.

 

(Daria now enters. She motions to Jane and Tom.)

 

Tom: I think we're being summoned to an audience.

 

(Jane and Tom join Daria at a table.)

 

Daria: I guess you're all wondering why I asked you here.

 

Jane: That would help explain why we're here, Daria.

 

Daria: I haven't seen the both of you for a couple of month. I guess I should

explain myself. I guess I held a grudge against the two of you over what

happened. I let myself get carried away over it.

 

Jane: I think I did the same thing myself. I guess I overreacted when I heard

that you and Tom. . .well, you know.

 

Tom: And I didn't help matters by bragging about it to my friends.

 

Daria: I want to apologize to the two of you over what happened.

 

Jane: I'm sorry for what I did as well, Daria.

 

Tom: I'm sorry as well.

 

Daria: Tom, I think that perhaps it would be best if we ended our relationship.

Not that we can't remain friends.

 

Tom: You're right about this, Daria. We went too fast in our relationship, and

it destroyed it. However, I do want to remain close.

 

Daria: As for you, Jane, I think we both let our emotions get the better of us.

 

Jane: Agreed. I shouldn't have reacted like I did.

 

Daria: So, let's bury the hatchet, guys.

 

Jane: Agreed.

 

Tom: Same here.

 

(We now surprisingly see Quinn and Stacy enter the restaurant.)

 

Stacy: Hey, guys, how are you doing?

 

Daria: Fine. We just buried the hatchet.

 

Jane: How's Sandi doing?

 

Quinn: Tiffany just returned from the mental hospital she's in. She's

hopelessly insane. She blames you for what happened to her, Daria.

 

(Daria shrugs her shoulders.)

 

Jane: So, where are you to former lovebirds going to college?

 

Daria: Raft University accepted me.

 

Tom: I'm going to Bromwell.

 

Jane: I just heard back from Boston Fine Arts College. They accepted my

portfolio.

 

Daria: That means the two of us are headed to Boston.

 

Jane: Exactly. Of course I'll try to see you in-between classes and work.

 

Daria: What do you mean?

 

Jane: Pizza King's transferring me to a restaurant close to BFAC so I can

continue paying for the damage I wreaked on the Big Strawberry.

 

(Daria nods.)

 

Tom: Well, I'm glad some good is coming out of all this.

 

Daria: Amen.

 

(We now pull back from the group at the table. We fade into Uatu.)

 

Uatu: Thus did Daria, Jane and Tom settle their differences, and thus the

cosmic balance was set aright.

 

(Fade to black.)

 

(We see some appropriate closing credits, then we fade to a yellow background as

we hear Eric Siday and Van Alexander's famed "Screen Gems Jingle" playing. We

see approaching from the left a homicidal maniac wielding an ax while from the

right we see Jeeves the butler as if he's running in terror from the homicidal

maniac. We hear the homicidal maniac shriek "SCREAM, JEEVES!!!!!!!!!!" Then we

hear Jeeves go "AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" We now see the caption "SCREAM, JEEVES"

in black letters pop up from below the figures. Fade to black.)

 

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THE END

 

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THIS HAS BEEN A SCREAM, JEEVES PRESENTATION!

 

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