"Daria: Tapped In"
by
Michelle Klein-Hass
Timeline: just after "Is It Fall Yet?" and "Daria,
Interrupted."
ACT I
EXT
SLOANE FAMILY MANSION - MORNING
TOM
is trying to start up the old, rust-spotted Jaguar XJ6 he
was
given by his Grandmother. It's a pretty futile task. It
cranks, but oh so excruciatingly slowly.
INT
TOM'S CAR -- MORNING
TOM
grimaces, sighs, and puts his keys back in the pocket of
his
Khaki Old Navy Cargo Pants.
TOM
(wearily)
It's 8am. I've got to be at Fielding.
This car is a piece of crap, but hey,
that's par for the course. It's probably
going to cost big bucks to fix this hunk
of junk. Yeah, Dad'll pay for it. But
he's never going to let me forget he paid
for it, either. Dammit!
TOM
whacks the glove compartment, which opens, and his cell
phone tumbles out. He punches the buttons and hits "send."
TOM (CONT'D)
Uh...is Daria there? Yeah, thanks...hey,
Daria, I need your help. Could you pick
me up?
SPLITSCREEN
INT
MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, KITCHEN TABLE/ INT TOM'S CAR -
MORNING
DARIA, QUINN and JAKE are eating cereal at the breakfast
table. HELEN is yakking on the cell phone nearby. DARIA is
holding the handset of the family cordless phone.
You
see the scene at the breakfast table on one side of the
screen, and the scene of TOM in the car on the other side.
DARIA
Uh...Mom's dashing off to the SUV, Dad's
got dibs on the Lexus, and that's that
for the Morgendorffer family fleet. Sorry
about that.
TOM
So you're walking to school today?
DARIA
When haven't I? Anyway, Trent's got the
Tank for a while...Max owes him a
favor...so he's got it while the Plymouth
Satellite is in the shop.
TOM
TRENT? Why him? I don't know what's
worse, Trent's beat ride or that horrible
van...
DARIA
Beggars can't be choosers. It's either
The Tank or walking. And Fielding prep is
the next town over...you might get there
before lunchtime...
TOM
(reluctantly)
True. Yeah, give him a call. It couldn't
be worse than walking. See you later,
bye.
CLOSE SPLITSCREEN
INT
TOM'S CAR - MORNING
TOM
hits "end" on the phone, closes it up, places it back in
the
glove compartment and whacks it shut.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT
TOM'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
You
see The Tank appear in the old Jag's rear view mirror.
EXT
SLOANE FAMILY MANSION - MORNING
TOM
gets out of the car and walks over to The Tank.
TOM
Thanks for the lift, Trent.
TRENT
I'm doing this for Daria's sake, not for
you.
TOM
shivers a little as he can feel TRENT'S resentment hang
palpably in the air.
TOM
Look, Trent...I'm sorry about Jane...
TRENT
You almost broke two people's hearts, not
just Jane's. You should be glad that Jane
forgave so easily. It's only because she
did that I even agreed to help you.
TRENT beckons into the open side door of the van.
TRENT (CONT'D)
Well, get in, Tom...
TOM
Yeah...ok....
TOM
enters the van and closes the van side door.
INT
THE TANK - MORNING
TOM
sits down in the passenger's side captain's chair and
slumps down, expecting more criticism from TRENT.
TRENT
I'll turn on the radio...do you mind Z93
Classic Rock?
TOM
It'll do.
TRENT turns on the radio. It's towards the end of
"Heartbreaker" by The Rolling Stones, and TRENT can't help
but
sing along.
TRENT
(singing)
Heartbreaker! Heartbreaker! I wanna tear
your world apart! Heartbreaker! Pain
maker! I wanna tear your world apart! Oh
yeah! Oh yeah!...
TOM
sits there, arms folded, in much the same uncomfortable
situation as DARIA was on the ride to the art colony in The
Tank
with TRENT singing about "Betrayal."
The
song fades out, and just before it does, BING AND THE
SPATULA MAN start their "Mental In The Morning" spiel.
BING (V.O.)
OH YEAH! OH YEAH! That's another ZEEEEEEE
93 long block of classic rock! HOOOYAH!!!
THE SPATULA MAN (V.O.)
Gotta love those Stones, man...they're
still the WORLD'S GREATEST ROCK BAND!!!
BING (V.O.)
Hey, if you doubt they still are, you
should have been at the Sportodome a
little over a month ago...THEY RAISED THE
ROOF, MAAAAN!
THE SPATULA MAN (V.O.)
Speaking of raising the roof, we're
waiting for the live broadcast of the
Spinal Tap press conference...Rock N'
Roll Randy is at the Lawndale High
Gymnasium where Spinal Tap and the
Lawndale Symphony Orchestra will be
making a big announcement!
TRENT'S eyes widen, as he turns to TOM.
TRENT
Tom, isn't your mom on the LSO board?
What's going on here? I'm a big fan of
Tap...they're sort of role models for me
and the rest of the guys in Mystik
Spiral...in fact, the Spiral bit in our
name is kinda inspired by them.
TOM
(sighs)
Yeah, Mom is on the board of the Symphony
Association. Yeah, there's going to be a
big concert at the Lawndale High Gym...
"Symphony On Tap" is what it's going to
be called. It's going to be recorded for
a live album. Their manager, Artie
Fufkin, was over at our house yesterday.
But then again, I almost broke your
sister's heart...
TRENT
Yeah, but this is Tap, man!
TOM
Some people have weird priorities...
BING
Ok, I think that's the signal...the press
conference is beginning now...
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM -- MORNING
There is a crowd of students, press and local dignitaries in
the
audience, as the Lawndale Thistle Society Pipe and Drum
band
escorts DEREK SMALLS, NIGEL TUFNEL and DAVID ST. HUBBINS
onto
the dais where ARTIE FUFKIN, Spinal Tap's manager,
PRINCIPAL ANGELA LI, MR. TIMOTHY O'NEILL, KAY SLOANE and
MAYOR BEN HODGES are already seated.
A
huge "Tap In With Z93!" banner is unfurled behind the dais,
making damn sure everyone knows that it's Classic Rock Z93
that's sponsoring the concert.
ROCK
N' ROLL RANDY walks up to the mic to introduce everyone.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY
Hey, Lawndale!!! Do you wanna ROCK???????
The
crowd roars its approval.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY (CONT'D)
Because TAP is here to tell you about a
bitchen concert that will be happening
right here in this gymnasium! Ladies and
gentlemen, David St. Hubbins, Nigel
Tufnel and Derek Smalls...THIS IS SPINAL
TAP!!!
As
if on cue, the crowd roars again. However, it is not any
of
the band members but their manager ARTIE FUFKIN who takes
the
mic from ROCK N' ROLL RANDY. ARTIE now has a chrome-dome
and
is dressed in a suit that looks right out of The
Godfather.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Good morning everyone, I'm Artie Fufkin,
manager of Spinal Tap. I am pleased to
announce on behalf of the band that Z93
and the Lawndale Symphony Society are
going to present a very special concert
here at Lawndale High. We like to call it
"Symphony On Tap" and it will be the
biggest rock-meets-classical event since
Metallica's...
Scattered boos from the audience at the mention of that
name...
ARTIE FUFKIN (CONT'D)
Yeah, we like Napster too, so much that
we started Tapster...(recovers) yeah,
since Metallica's "S and M" concert event
a year ago. The Lawndale Symphony
Orchestra and the Symphony Society has
been very good to us...easily the best
offer out of the many we've fielded from
orchestras all over the world...
CUT TO:
INT
THE TANK - MORNING
The
press conference is playing over the radio.
TOM
Yeah, LA, San Francisco, New York,
London, Paris, Moscow and the Boston Pops
all refused to give Tap the time of day.
The offers Mr. Fufkin's talking about
were from here, Arlen, Texas, Dubuque,
Iowa, Bent Armpit, Wyoming and Little
Rock, Arkansas...none of them are big
classical music centers.
TRENT
Shhhhh...I'm listening....
TOM
Yeah, right...
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - MORNING
ARTIE FUFKIN
...Tap is pleased to do this concert, and
the world should know that Lawndale is
one hell of a Rock n' Roll town!!!
The
crowd cheers on cue.
ARTIE FUFKIN (CONT'D)
I'm going to introduce Kay Sloane, Vice
President of the Lawndale Symphony
Society, who will take over from here.
KAY
SLOANE gets up gracefully and walks up to the podium.
CUT TO:
INT
THE TANK - MORNING
TRENT
Your mom's going to speak.
TOM
Yeah, I know. Hopefully she won't
embarrass me again...
KAY (V.O.)
Hi everyone! And hi to my dear son and my
darling daughter...kiss kiss!
TOM
She DID embarrass me again. Dammit!
TRENT
Well, at least she didn't say your
name...
KAY (V.O.)
Last night I had the loveliest dinner
with Mr. Fufkin. He came over to visit
with our family...Tom seemed particularly
thrilled to meet a real-life rock band
manager...
TOM
Too late....
TRENT
My condolences...
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM -- MORNING
KAY
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that
not enough young people appreciate the
classics, and hopefully this will bring
more young people to Symphony Mall to
listen to some 'real old-school heavy
metal' as the youngsters say. This
concert will hopefully also go a long way
towards financing a new Symphony Hall,
right next to our current Symphony Mall,
(clenches teeth)
where shopping is a classic experience!
(sighs)
Anyway, thank you, Spinal Tap, for
choosing the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra
for your "Symphony On Tap" concert!
With
an equally practiced graceful motion, KAY sits down.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY
And now, a few words from Mayor Hodges...
CUT TO:
INT
THE TANK - MORNING
TRENT grunts and turns off the radio.
TRENT
Mayor Hodges...what a fatassed bag of
wind he is.
TOM
That's something I can agree with. Glad
that Term Limits are finally kicking the
bastard out.
CUT TO:
EXT
FIELDING PREP - MORNING
Great iron gates protect the fortress-like campus...it's like
something out of Citizen Kane.
CUT TO:
INT
THE TANK - MORNING
TRENT
Well, here's Fielding.
TOM
Thanks for the ride.
TRENT
You'll get home OK, right?
TOM
Yeah...my sister's picking me up. You
know, you didn't have to do this.
TRENT
I did it for Daria. She's a good friend
of mine, almost part of the family. Also
I think that Janey has some crazy idea of
wanting to remain friends with you too.
TOM
You know, we could be friends too. I'm
not a bad guy.
TRENT
Never thought you were. You're just...
(coughs) a little thoughtless. Next time
you should use those brains of yours that
got you into this castle and think of the
consequences of your actions. Later, Tom.
CUT TO:
EXT
FIELDING PREP - MORNING
As
The Tank roars off, TOM shrugs his shoulders, and walks
off
to class.
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH - MORNING
DARIA and JANE finish their walk to class just to see a huge
crowd streaming out of the auditorium. Several Limos whiz
away, with media following with mics and video cameras. The
Z93
van is still there, with ROCK N' ROLL RANDY interviewing
people in front of the auditorium while bikini girls throw
Z93
swag to the throng.
JANE
Did we just take a detour to New Orleans
for Mardi Gras?
DARIA
No, we just took a detour to Hell.
Classic Rock Hell. You would think that
with what happened the last time the
"Mental In The Morning" bozos came here
they'd know better than to return.
(yawns) Too bad they aren't serving
coffee, though, I could use some.
Suddenly DEMARTINO runs up, his fists in the air.
DEMARTINO
RANDY! Yeah YOU, you OVERGROWN HIPPIE!!!
We need to SETTLE something!
A
few burly security guards dogpile on DEMARTINO before he
can
get a piece of his longtime foe.
DEMARTINO (CONT'D)
AAAAARRRGHHHH! You lousy RENT-A-COPS!!!!
I just wanted ONE GOOD SWING!!! ONE GOOD
SWING, DAMMIT!!!
The
security guards drag DEMARTINO away kicking and
screaming.
The
camera zooms in on the throng, and a couple of very
familiar guys are suddenly very obvious in their Spinal Tap t
shirts and the same kind of baggy shorts they wore three
years earlier...it's BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD. The famous Mike
Judge theme music is heard as soon as they catch the eye of
the
camera.
ANGLE ON: DARIA
As
her mouth hangs wide open.
JANE
DARIA??? You OK?
DARIA
Oh god...
JANE
What?
DARIA
You know the stories I told you about the
retards down the street back in Highland?
JANE
I thought they were just more cool
stories, like your Melody Powers stories.
DARIA
Not cool, not stories. Real. Way too
real.
Music continues until...
FADE OUT.
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY -- MORNING
DAVID ST. HUBBINS, JEANINE ST. HUBBINS, NIGEL TUFNEL, DEREK
SMALLS and ARTIE FUFKIN are walking into the lobby. A few
ROAD
CREW GUYS tote tons of luggage and Anvil Cases.
DAVID ST. HUBBINS
Cor! I'm going back to bed...not used to
doing press conferences this early.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Remember, after we get done with Lawndale
it's back to Tokyo. That will really play
hell with your internal clock. I suggest
we stay up, get brunch and coffee...I
wonder if you can get a good fish plate
in this goyishe town...
NIGEL TUFNEL
You've been our manager for two bloody
years and I still can't understand half
of what you say.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Didn't you read that copy of "The Joys Of
Yiddish" I gave you?
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
Should have got it for Nigel on tape,
Artie...you know he can't read worth a
damn...
NIGEL TUFNEL
Bloody sarcastic, ball busting tart...
ARTIE FUFKIN
Now, now...please. We don't need another
fight between you two. I feel like I'm a
mom with a couple of screaming kids in
the back of the station wagon.
DAVID ST. HUBBINS
(sighs)
Now I've really got to get some sleep.
C'mon, love...let's go see our suite.
DEREK SMALLS
Hey Artie...do you know if there's a good
tobacconist in Lawndale? I'm out of my
Borkum Riff cherry flavor...
ARTIE FUFKIN
We'll find one right after we find a good
deli. One thing at a time, OK?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT
PAY DAY WAREHOUSE STORE - DAY
NICK
and MAX are pushing a shopping cart with a big box of
EconoDydees in it. NICK's son TJ is strapped to NICK's chest
in a
papoose pack.
MAX
We've got to make sure there's enough
munchies for the next rehearsal. It never
goes well unless there's at least a
couple of king size bags of ridgy chips.
NICK
Remember...gotta get baby food and baby
cereal first, then if we have any cash
left over we get munchies. That reminds
me...where's the diaper bag?
Truck around the corner, where you see BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD
chasing each other around with baby bottles, squirting milk
at
each other as if they were squirt bottles.
BEAVIS
Heh heh...got you, Butt-Head!
BUTT-HEAD
Nice shot, tailgunner Beavis...here's my
answer...
BEAVIS gets a faceful and shrieks.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT'D)
Huh huh huh...that was cool.
ANGLE ON: BEAVIS
He's
sopping with milk.
BEAVIS
You fartknocker!
Suddenly unseen arms grab both BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD.
TILT
UP
To
show that MAX has the two weinerheads by their pencil
necks.
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD
AAAAAAAAA!
The
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD theme music comes back on as the
scene does a ...
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF ACT I
ACT II
EXT
PAY DAY WAREHOUSE STORE - DAY
MAX,
and NICK (with TJ) are walking behind BEAVIS and BUTT
HEAD, who are pushing their heavily laden shopping cart.
NICK
You guys should be glad that you've got
some money in your pocket...if you didn't
pay for our groceries I would have ratted
you out to the security guards. Pay Day
has been kind of notorious for the stuff
they do to shoplifters and thieves in
their back room.
MAX
Yeah...they're hardcore.
NICK
But where did you get that money?
BEAVIS
Heh...we're roadies. We work for Spinal
Tap.
NICK
You're BS-ing me, dude!
BEAVIS
Nope. We're for real. Heh heh m heh
heh...
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...we can prove it...
MAX
Yeah, prove it.
BUTT-HEAD
Come to the Grand Hotel with us. We'll
introduce you to the band and everything.
NICK
Good. I can give your bosses a piece of
my mind. You know, it's kind of
uncomfortable for a woman to use a breast
pump...
BUTT-HEAD
WHOA! You mean that milk came out of a
woman's thingies?
BEAVIS
Heh heh...that gives me a warm feeling
down there...heh heh heh...breasts...heh
heh m heh heh...
NICK
I think I wanna kick your ass right
now...I'll make you wish I turned you in
to the rent-a-cops...
NICK
makes a motion to go after the two but MAX restrains
him.
MAX
Nick...dude...these guys can get us in
good with Spinal Tap, man...
NICK
They haven't proven it.
MAX
I'm a Tap trivia buff...what was the name
of the first hit for Tap, guys?
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh...that's easy...huh huh huh...it
was "Listen To The Flower People." Even a
cool band has to make a few songs that
suck, I guess.
MAX
You're right! Well, you're right about
the name of the song. "Flower People" was
kinda cool, actually. OK, what was the
name of their manager who made off with
all their money? Beaver?
BEAVIS
It's Beavis...and the fartknocker was Ian
Faith.
MAX
WHOA! You guys really know Tap!
NICK
I'll believe it when I can see an all
access pass with your names printed on
it.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh...why didn't you say so?
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD take their hands off the cart and dig
into
their shorts pockets. They pull out Spinal Tap all
access passes with their names printed on them. They look
very
official.
NICK
WHOA!!!
Off
screen, you hear the sound of a shopping cart hitting a
parked car, and the blare of a car horn.
MAX
Oh my god the CART!
MAX
goes off to retrieve the cart and hopefully try to not
seem
obvious about it, while NICK admires BEAVIS and BUTT
HEAD's all-access passes. TJ starts to cry, but NICK is
oblivious.
NICK
Whoa...Spinal Tap...our heroes...
CUT TO:
EXT
LANE HOUSE -- AFTERNOON
DARIA and JANE are sitting out front, leaning up against the
sculpture in the garden.
JANE
You know, we both have tons of homework,
and I have to study up for that damn
Algebra exam.
DARIA
Yeah. Still, it's nice out. When it
starts getting cold out, we can put our
noses to the grindstone. Let's just enjoy
it.
JANE
Tom has certainly given you a different
perspective on things.
DARIA
No, Tom had nothing to do with it. Our
friendship being in danger did. You have
to realize what's important and what
isn't.
JANE
And those overgrown pre-teens we saw
today fit in exactly where in your
priority scheme?
DARIA
God, I hoped against hope that I'd never
see them again. I figured Highland was
their natural habitat, and that they
would never leave that town...I mean,
Jane, Highland is the one place even
stupider than Lawndale, and that says
something.
JANE
That has got to be a one-time thing...I
mean, you aren't going to go and see that
stupid Spinal Tap show next week, right?
DARIA
It wouldn't take a spinal tap...it would
take a frontal lobotomy to get me to one
of their gigs.
Just
as those words were leaving her lips, The Tank pulls up
to
the driveway. TRENT, JESSE, MAX and a TJ-less NICK pop
out,
followed by...the little weinerheads.
DARIA (CONT'D)
DAMN IT!
JANE
They couldn't be as bad as you wrote
about them.
DARIA
Yes they are, and you'd better close off
your mom's pottery room before they do
some serious damage.
JANE
Will do...
JANE
sprints off to do exactly that, as Mystik Spiral and
their newest fans walk towards DARIA.
TRENT
Hey, Daria...check it out. There's going
to be a really important rehearsal
tonight. We're having visitors...the guys
from Spinal Tap and their manager. Cool,
huh?
BUTT-HEAD
WHOA! It's Diarrhea! What are you doing
here?
DARIA
I've been trying to avoid you too. No
such luck, huh?
BEAVIS
Heh heh m heh heh...this is cool. I mean,
Dia...Daria...we kinda miss you, y'know,
and like...heh heh...you've changed...you
look...heh heh m heh heh...HOT.
BUTT-HEAD bitch-slaps BEAVIS.
BUTT-HEAD
Do you know what you just said?
BEAVIS
I meant it, bunghole.
BUTT-HEAD
Don't make me slap you again...
BEAVIS
You fartknocker!
Suddenly BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are rolling around in the
grass, punching each other out.
NICK
Well, Dr. Lipschitz says that you let
siblings work out their aggressions on
their own...let's leave them out until
they get it out of their system.
TRENT
Those guys are WHACKED OUT, man. I'd
better get into the kitchen and hide the
dishes and sharp objects.
MAX
is actually doubled over in laughter watching the battle.
MAX
This is better than Jerry Springer and
the Three Stooges all rolled into one. I
think I'll stay out here and watch.
JESSE
Yeah...you're right.
TRENT
Now I'm not sure who's worse.
CUT TO:
INT
LANE HOUSE BASEMENT - NIGHT
Mystik Spiral are watching the clock, waiting for Spinal Tap
to
show up. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are amusing themselves with
a
box of porno mags from TRENT'S room.
ANGLE ON: DOOR
As a
loud knock is heard.
TRENT
C'mon in, the door's unlocked!
The
door opens, and NIGEL TUFNEL and DEREK SMALLS walk in
with
ARTIE FUFKIN.
DEREK SMALLS
Good evening, lads...
TRENT
Hey. I'm Trent Lane, and let me introduce
the guys here...Max Tyler, drums, Nick
Campbell, rhythm guitar and sometimes
bass, Jesse Moreno, lead guitar and
sometimes bass. I play guitar and sing.
MAX
(in an almost frantic state of
excitement)
Wow, man! You guys are my heroes! Yeah,
man, I would even risk DEATH to play
drums with you guys...
NIGEL TUFNEL
Well, we have Zach Starkey playing drums
with us now...he'll be flying in the day
of the show, and Mick Fleetwood played
with us without incident. I hate to give
David's wife Jeanine any credit, but she
had some Red Indian shaman do something
and she claims he removed the curse. Who
knows, though...Zach is a busy guy, what
with his Dad's band and The Who and
all...maybe we could use someone to fill
in. However...let's see what you've got.
We're not putting you on the bill sight
unseen...
DEREK SMALLS
Wouldn't that be ear unheard?
NIGEL TUFNEL
It's a form of speech, Derek. Not to be
taken literally, of course.
DEREK SMALLS
Of course.
ARTIE FUFKIN
OK then, let's ROCK!
Mystik Spiral dash to their instruments, and they do a bang
up
version of a fully fleshed out "Betrayal." Then, just to
show
off, they segue into "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You
Tonight."
ANGLE ON: NIGEL, DEREK AND ARTIE
NIGEL has a slight smile on his face. DEREK is tapping his
toe.
And ARTIE is really enthusiastic, with a goofy grin and
clapping his hands on one and three.
DEREK SMALLS
(stage whispery)
Artie, you clap on two and four.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Oh.
ARTIE attempts to clap the right way, and gets all crossed
up,
Eventually he throws his hands in the air in disgust and
walks away to find a chair.
ANGLE ON: CLOCK ON THE WALL
It's
10pm.
DISSOLVE TO:
ANGLE ON: CLOCK ON THE WALL
It's
4am. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sleeping face-first in the
heap
of porno mags. ARTIE is dozing in a chair. And NIGEL and
DEREK are having the time of their lives talking music with
Mystik Spiral.
NIGEL TUFNEL
So I told the guys at Marshall, y'know,
you need to make your amps even more
powerful. Eleven is nice, but if you
really want that good push over the
cliff, you should make it even better.
They told me, "How about if we make the
knobs go to 20?" I said "yeah, that would
rock!" So in 1999 they delivered an amp
to me with knobs that go to 20. And even
to this day someone can go to the
Marshall custom shop and get an amp with
the same treatment...it's the Tufnel
Special.
TRENT
Yes, but is anything changed in the amp?
Like, are the pots any different, or the
power amp itself? Or did they just change
the numbers?
NIGEL TUFNEL
Trent...they go to 20 now.
NICK
Yeah, Trent, they go to 20! That's nine
better than eleven!
JESSE and MAX both nod their heads in agreement.
JESSE
So Nigel, I've been using Ernie Ball
Super Slinky strings, and Trent tells me
to go out and get standard gauge strings
because he says I need help with my
guitar's intonation. But I can't bend
strings as easily now, and I'm bumming
about that. What should I do?
NIGEL TUFNEL
Well, I like my strings nice and
slinky...why not split the difference and
get Ernie Ball Slinky strings?
DEREK SMALLS
Trent's got a point though...David always
uses the heavier strings...says they give
him better tone.
JESSE
So what do you use for bass, Derek?
DEREK SMALLS
Anything I can get my bloody hands on at
the time. I like Rotosound but they're
just...different now. So anything goes
now. I have a box of old Rotos for
recording, though. Nothing like a fresh
set of Rotos...nice and twangy.
NIGEL TUFNEL
I think it's safe to say you guys have
the opening slot.
TRENT, JESSE, MAX AND NICK
(very loud)
YES!!!
BEAVIS, BUTT-HEAD and ARTIE FUFKIN are jarred awake.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Huh, what now...did the Yankees win the
Series?
NIGEL TUFNEL
Nope, I think we have an opening act now.
Mystik Spiral.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Yeah, those boys are great...good choice.
NIGEL TUFNEL
OK guys...see you at 3pm tomorrow at
Rockmaniac Rehearsal Studios...the big
room. We'll be rehearsing with the
orchestra there...you should come check
it out.
TRENT
Cool. Yeah, we'll be there. I'll set my
alarm. Haven't done that since High
School.
NIGEL TUFNEL
That's the spirit, Trent ol' lad! See you
then.
JESSE
Whoa...we gotta get some sleep,
then...can we crash here?
TRENT
Sure...no problem. Nick, what are you
going to do with your kid?
NICK
He's with the Ex tonight so I'm cool.
MAX
I hope you were kidding about the alarm
clock.
TRENT
Not this time. (beat) You going to
collect Beavis and Butt-Head, guys?
ARTIE FUFKIN
Yeah...they have work to do tomorrow.
They have to wash the tour van. Beavis!
Butt-Head! Let's get going.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...cool.
TRENT walks over to where they were sacked out, and notices
something.
TRENT
This is gross, man...they drooled on my
porno mag collection!
MAX
Can I have them, then?
TRENT
You would, Max. You really would. Go
ahead, they're all yours.
MAX
What a pal.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH - MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS - DAY
MR.
O'NEILL has books like "Psychotic Reactions and
Carburetor Dung" by Lester Bangs and "Fear and Loathing In
Las
Vegas" by Hunter S. Thompson and the heading "Rock
Criticism As Literature" on the blackboard as he begins his
class.
O'NEILL
Now, all of you are going to see Spinal
Tap at the Gymnasium, right?
A
show of hands shows that most are not.
O'NEILL (CONT'D)
You're not? I'm really surprised. This is
an opportunity to see one of the finest
exponents of British Heavy Music right in
our own backyard! So I'm going to give an
assignment that will be both fun...and a
learning experience! You will all be
assigned to buy a ticket to see Symphony
On Tap, and then I will be expecting
everyone in class to write their own
review of the show.
DARIA raises her hand.
DARIA
This wasn't something Ms. Li talked you
into, was it?
O'NEILL
(begins fidgeting nervously)
Uh...umm...Ms. Li DID encourage all the
teachers here at Lawndale High to
encourage students to attend this event,
which will not only be a page in Rock N'
Roll history, but also a great way to
highlight just how cool of a student body
we are, for the world to see in film and
hear on record!
DARIA
Is Ms. Li getting some sort of kickback,
Mr. O'Neill?
O'NEILL
(fidgeting even more)
Eep!
CUT TO:
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - AFTERNOON
DARIA, JANE and JODIE are sitting on the grass taking a brief
breather before 6th period.
DARIA
I wanted to avoid the damn Tap show.
Really, I did. Why did O'Neill have to
make this a requirement?
JANE
Well, you would have gone just to show
some support for Mystik Spiral...right?
DARIA
I guess that's what a friend would do...
JODIE
Yeah, and since Tom's mom is Vice
President of the Lawndale Symphony
Society, wouldn't Tom be obligated to go
too?
DARIA
I guess. (sighs) I like my Rock N' Roll
with a little intelligence behind it.
With Mystik Spiral and Spinal Tap, I
suppose that's not possible.
JANE
Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, there
will be great people-watching
opportunities. I'm taking my sketch pad
too...this could provide some great
artistic opportunities as well.
DARIA
I suppose. There will probably be a lot
of posing onstage, so that would work.
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT III
INT
SYMPHONY MALL - NIGHT
DARIA and TOM are walking around in this mall, which up until
the
early 1980s was a single large concert hall.
DARIA
So what's the story about this place?
TOM
Lawndale Symphony Hall was an endowment
from my great-great-grandfather Lewis
Sloane, and it was built around the same
time as Carnegie Hall. It was a finely
tuned instrument in its own right. It was
said that a person in the highest balcony
could hear a whisper onstage. Well, back
during the Reagan era, there was a lot of
hue and cry for the Lawndale Symphony
Orchestra to carry its own weight. To
pull itself up by its bootstraps. To earn
its own keep. My mom, of course, was
horrified. But she was outvoted eight to
one. Symphony Hall was gutted, and a ring
of two levels of shops was built. The
inner atrium became the home of the
Symphony Orchestra...see, they are
getting ready to play now.
ANGLE ON: ATRIUM
Yes,
the entire Lawndale Symphony Orchestra is tuning up on
the
old fashioned-looking band shell. There are a few people
in
the audience, but most of the seats are empty.
The
conductor, NILES WINDHAM, gives the signal, and the
Orchestra begins to play Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony.
The
noises of the shoppers make for a Spike Jones-esque
counterpoint to the very refined music. The sound of a baby
crying, of kids laughing and screaming, of a squeaky baby
carriage, of a boom box playing rap music, all
unintentionally become part of the music.
DARIA
I hear what you mean. A real disaster.
TOM
Mom and Dad have been trying to raise
funds for a replacement. They have
invested millions of their own money into
it, but that really isn't enough. Even if
the family bankrupted itself, the Sloane
family couldn't possibly pay for it
alone.
DARIA
So, that's why they jumped at the chance
to have Spinal Tap play.
TOM
Hopefully the spectacle of our Symphony
Orchestra having to play in a High School
gymnasium will wake a few people up. Show
people hat an event like this can't be
held in an appropriate venue in this town
thanks to some bad decisions in the '80s.
TOM
sighs and his eyes linger on the bandshell and the
ignored music.
TOM (CONT'D)
C'mon, the Vienna Woods coffeehouse has
great frozen lattes. My treat.
DARIA
Sounds good. Or at least better than
what's going on in the Atrium.
CUT TO:
INT
MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM - NIGHT
QUINN finally gets finished with her homework, and grabs the
faux
fur-covered phone to call SANDI.
SPLITSCREEN
INT
MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM/GRIFFIN HOUSE, SANDI'S
ROOM
- NIGHT
QUINN is shown in her room, talking to SANDI who's in her
room.
QUINN
Oh, HI Sandi! Yeah, I'm finally done with
homework.
SANDI
Really, I don't see why you are all the
sudden taking such an interest in
studying. You're in danger of becoming
like your...second cousin twice removed,
or something.
QUINN
I could NEVER be that geeky.
SANDI
Well, since we are being forced at
gunpoint to go to that stupid heavy metal
concert, we're going to have to get
coordinated. You can still make it to
Cashman's tonight, right?
QUINN
Of course! I'll take the Lexus and pick
you up. Dad already said I could have the
Lexus tonight.
SANDI
You don't want to ride in my brand new
Toyota Celica? Daddy just took delivery
on it yesterday. After that incident
where your dad couldn't drive us home
from Cranberry Commons he insisted on
buying it for me. I'll pick you up.
QUINN
You shouldn't...you should save your
discretionary income for buying clothes,
not buying gas.
SANDI
Mmkay, I see your point. Then again,
wasn't that the car that couldn't start
that day?
QUINN
Dad got that fixed months ago. Are we
going to also pick up Tiffany and Stacy?
SANDI
Tiffany's busy tonight, and Stacy...well,
after she got back from the hospital she
hasn't been ready to accept visitors, if
you know what I mean.
QUINN
You just don't want to be seen in public
with her, don't you?
SANDI
Now that you mention it...I don't think
so. Mental illness is so unattractive...
ask Margot Kidder or Anne Heche sometime.
QUINN
Anyway, see you when I get here.
SANDI
You do that.
CLOSE SPLITSCREEN
INT
MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM - NIGHT
QUINN hangs up the phone and sighs.
QUINN
Stacy didn't ask to have a mental
illness...Sandi's being cruel. Better not
mention it though...she hates criticism.
QUINN sighs and grabs her purse.
CUT TO:
INT
MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM
JAKE
is sitting on the couch, watching a football game.
QUINN
See you at 11pm, Dad...I'm off to
Cashman's with Sandi.
JAKE
You have money?
QUINN
Yeah, babysitting money. Although I would
appreciate the Cashman's charge...
JAKE
No can do...you maxed that out three
months ago.
QUINN
Da-AAD!
JAKE
Here's the Gold card though...will that
do?
QUINN
Sure! Thanks, bye...
QUINN high-tails it to the door.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY
SPINAL TAP is hanging out in the lobby. A guy with a camera
is
filming the conversation.
ARTIE FUFKIN
OK guys, two more days to go before the
big concert. You think you're ready?
NIGEL TUFNEL
I could use a better drummer...this
studio guy we're rehearsing with is no
better than Max from Mystik Spiral.
DAVID ST. HUBBINS
Yeah, Nigel's right. This guy is so used
to playing on commercials that he's lost
his ability to rock.
DEREK SMALLS
His timing is great but he sounds like a
human drum machine.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Zach Starkey should get here tomorrow,
and we'll do a dress rehearsal tomorrow
night in the gymnasium.
DAVID ST. HUBBINS
I could also use a halfway-decent organic
restaurant...this crap I'm eating isn't
helping my voice any.
As
if on cue, JEANINE ST. HUBBINS waltzes in.
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
Hi guys, I found a great place in the
Dega Street district...Planet Vegan.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Great. Sounds appetizing. I remember that
place you eat at all the time in
Pomona...what's that called? Garden Of
Eatin' or something?
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
The Garden Of Eatin' is a great
place...they make a lovely Hummus.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Isn't Humus what you put in your garden?
First cousin to compost?
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
No, silly, Hummus is made from chick
peas, sesame butter and roasted garlic. I
remember you even liked it.
NIGEL TUFNEL
What I'd really like is a nice Cornish
Pastie. With tons of gravy on it.
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
Keep eating like that and we'll be
visiting you in hospital.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Yes! Now you've reminded me what that
place tastes like! Hospital food.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Would you two stop fighting already?
Anyway, the Symphony Society is going to
hold a big dinner for us tomorrow in the
Woodside room here. There will be lots of
dignitaries there so I want to make sure
there will be no bad behavior from any of
you...and we will keep Beavis and Butt
Head miles away from the
proceedings...where did they go?
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD have somehow managed to get bellboy
outfits, which they have scribbled all over on with pens the
names of their favorite Heavy Metal bands. They have a
luggage cart and are using it as a riding toy.
BEAVIS
Heh heh m heh heh...yeah, let's see what
it would be like taking this down the
stairwell...
BUTT-HEAD
You're on...just as long as you ride on
it.
BEAVIS
No way! You're not getting a ride on
this! I'm getting a stiffy from it!
BUTT-HEAD stops pushing.
BUTT-HEAD
Get off the cart, bunghole, and let me
have a turn, dammit!
BEAVIS
Heh heh...no way!
BUTT-HEAD lunges at BEAVIS, and the cart is propelled forward
by
the impact all the way into the wall at the end of the
corridor. They break through to find themselves in a suite
where MAYOR BEN HODGES is in a bed with a SWEET YOUNG THING
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...way to go, old dude...
The
cart still is moving, and it's headed for the window.
BEAVIS
Time to bail...
BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD
AAAAH!!!
The
little weinerheads get off the cart in time to see it
crash through the picture window and plummet three stories to
the
ground below.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY - NIGHT
As
the sound of breaking glass and the clatter of the luggage
cart
hitting the tarmac attracts everyone's attention.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Oh crap. They're at it again. If this
keeps up our discretionary budget will be
at zero by the time we make it back from
Tokyo...
ARTIE FUFKIN runs to catch an open elevator and catch up with
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD.
NIGEL TUFNEL
You know, I really like those boys. They
provide hours of entertainment. Not since
Keith Moon and Led Zeppelin in the 1970s
have I seen someone with the ability to
cause major damage to hotels like these
guys. I'm too old to do this sort of
thing, so it's nice to at least be able
to watch.
CAMERA GUY
And the expense isn't a problem?
NIGEL TUFNEL
Nah...I've got more money than I know
what to do with. You can't buy
entertainment like this. No bloody way.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - THE NEXT NIGHT
MYSTIK SPIRAL is bringing their equipment in and watching the
huge
stage go up.
TRENT
Whoa! This looks like the big time.
JESSE
Yeah. Really big.
TRENT
Then again, this is Lawndale. It's not
New York City, it's not LA, it's not
Chicago...it's Lawndale. So that means
even though it looks like the big time,
it isn't.
JESSE
Yeah. You're right.
NICK
Look at the size of that amp bank!
NICK
looks at the little Fender combo amp he's bringing in,
and
gives it a little kick.
TRENT
Don't take it out on your amp, dude...you
have to cherish your tools. No matter how
low-end they are.
NIGEL TUFNEL walks up to greet MYSTIK SPIRAL.
NIGEL TUFNEL
'Allo boys...impressed yet?
TRENT
Yeah. Big time.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Well, we'll give you about a half-hour
set...you have a set list worked out,
right?
TRENT
Yeah. I guess that since it's only a half
hour we need to do the short version of
Icebox Woman. Damn, and I like taking the
solo on that song.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Hey, I can only do the first movement of
"Lick My Love Pump"...not enough time or
a budget for copyists for the entire
suite. You make your choices on your set
list. Believe me, I've been in situations
where Tap has had to pare down the set
list to bare bones. So cheer up, lad.
TRENT
I wasn't upset.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, WOODSIDE ROOM - NIGHT
KAY
So where are the boys, Artie?
ARTIE FUFKIN
I decided it was too much of a risk
having them around...you know...
musicians. Bad manners. Loose lips. Bad
to have them around Society types.
KAY
Do you know if the record company might
be interested in sponsoring the building
of a new Symphony Hall in Lawndale? Yes,
this concert is going to raise some money
for the project but a big company like
Vivendi/Universal would be able to
provide the help we'd need...we have no
qualms about naming the new Symphony Hall
the Vivendi Lawndale Symphony Hall, or
something along those lines...
ARTIE FUFKIN
I'm only their manager. Talk to the guys
in LA about that...or Paris or wherever
the new corporate headquarters will be.
All I know is that Dead Faith Records
can't do much...I've been trying to get
the books straight for years. Did you
know that Spinal Tap had 5 managers in as
many years until someone contacted me
about the job?
KAY
I know how that goes. Anyway, come and
meet the crowd...I have lots of friends
here from the Museum Society, the
Symphony Society...
ARTIE FUFKIN
Lead on.
CUT TO:
INT.
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - THE NEXT NIGHT
ROCK
AND ROLL RANDY is in front of the Z93 van, microphone in
hand.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY
Oh yeah! The excitement is so high you
can FEEL it here at Lawndale High!
Tonight's the big night...Symphony On
Tap! And if you don't have tickets, don't
bother coming down here, because it's
SOLD OUT, DUDE!
RANDY isn't kidding...the area around Lawndale High is
mobbed.
3/4ths of THE FASHION CLUB saunters in, clad in velvet and
Pleather and '70s retro-wear, inspired by the event tonight
and
by the popularity of the movie "Almost Famous."
QUINN
Sandi, Tiffany you both look FABULOUS!
SANDI
Yeah, you look great too...and
considering the fashion sense of most of
the people going to this concert, we're
going to be the real stars of the show.
QUINN
You really look GREAT in black Pleather,
Sandi.
SANDI
Yes, and those Avocado Green satin jeans
and that Harvest Gold fake fur top
looks..well...it's definitely retro.
TIFFANY
Yeah...Retro...
QUINN
Hey look! There's Stacy!
STACY walks by, arm in arm with a very unexpected
swain...UPCHUCK, wearing a burgundy smoking jacket, black
trousers and a SPINAL TAP T-shirt. She's wearing a black
slipdress.
TIFFANY
Oh M'god...
QUINN
Oh NO!
SANDI
If you didn't think Stacy was crazy
before, look at her now. As President of
the Fashion Club, may I say that as far
as I'm concerned, Stacy's never going to
be accepted back. Never ever.
TIFFANY
Never...ever.
QUINN
I guess you're right. Going to a concert
with Upchuck is definitely hitting
bottom.
DARIA, JANE and TOM drive up in TOM's Jaguar. Yes, it's
fixed, and as TOM predicted his dad gave him hell about it.
The
passenger doors open.
TOM (O.S.)
Listen, you go around the back to the
backstage area and I'll meet you there.
DARIA
Yeah...will do.
TOM (O.S.)
It's so cool of you to get us the passes
to get in like this, Jane.
JANE
When your brother is the leader of the
opening act you get perks. See you in
there!
DARIA and JANE exit the car and TOM drives off.
DARIA
Tom's going to have to park in the next
county. Maybe we should have just walked.
JANE
You might be right.
DARIA
Poor Tom.
JANE
Poor is never a word you use about Tom.
DARIA and JANE avoid the crush of people going in the doors
for
the side doors around back.
CUT TO:
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM SIDE DOOR - NIGHT
The
area is crawling with security guards.
SECURITY GUARD
Ok girls...credentials?
DARIA
Right here.
DARIA and JANE whip out their All Access passes.
SECURITY GUARD
Very well. Proceed.
DARIA and JANE walk into the gymnasium.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
The
humble gym has been transformed into a Rock N' Roll
arena. Some people are seated on the bleachers but most are
milling about on the Basketball floor. Most people are
wearing black T-shirts and jeans.
TOM
walks up to meet DARIA and JANE.
TOM
Did you guys get frisked? Those rent-a
cops almost gave me a full cavity search
before they let me in the side door.
DARIA
I think they couldn't find any female
security guards for this gig, so they let
us by.
TOM
That's good. So where are the cameras?
JANE
Most of the cameras for the shoot tonight
seem to be remote controlled. Look up at
the ceiling.
ANGLE ON: CEILING
There are several video cameras mounted on pods.
With
unnerving stealth, MS. LI sneaks up behind DARIA, JANE
and
TOM.
MS. LI
Ooh...isn't it this all EXCITING???
JANE AND DARIA
Eep!
DARIA
Please don't sneak up on us like that.
JANE
Yeah...gives us the willies.
MS. LI
Sorry...anyway, those cameras? They are
being donated to us by Canal Plus! Only
after the show they will be mounted in
the hallways...isn't that EXCITING?
JANE
(sarcastically)
Yes. We love surveillance.
MS. LI
I bet you love to Rock N' Roll too!
DARIA
(in a monotone)
Yes. I love to boogie. I love to rock
out. Oh yeah.
MS. LI
Don't forget your EAR PROTECTION!
MS.
LI waves a pair of earplugs in front of their face, and
moves on.
JANE
That reminds me. Here, Daria...Trent got
some extras at Sam Ash.
JANE
proffers a pair of earplugs at DARIA.
DARIA
Don't worry. I'm covered.
DARIA rustles around in her backpack, and takes out a pair of
firing range ear protectors in neon orange.
JANE
Now that's what I call prepared.
TOM
What's with that weird old lady in the
Dacron pantsuit?
DARIA
That's Ms. Li. Also known as G. Gordon Li
Li. She's our Principal and Principal
Disciplinarian. And vortex of paranoia.
TOM
Sounds like a fun person.
DARIA
Yes. Loads of fun.
ANGLE ON: STAGE
As
the lights are turned off abruptly and a spotlight goes
on.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY
OH YEAH!!! Tonight is the night we've
been waiting for...SPINAL TAP!!!
The
crowd starts chanting TAP! TAP! TAP!
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY (CONT'D)
But before the main event, we have a new
unsigned act that's worth a
listen...ladies and gentlemen...Mystik
Spiral!
The
crowd still chants TAP! TAP! TAP! as Mystik Spiral take
the
stage.
ANGLE ON: DARIA, TOM AND JANE.
JANE
This doesn't look good for young Trent
and his buddies.
ANGLE ON: STAGE
TRENT
Hello! We're Mystik Spiral.
The
band launches into "Every Dog Has Its Day" but the Tap!
Tap!
Tap! chant continues.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
STACY and UPCHUCK are seated up in the nosebleed section of
the
bleachers, way at the back of the gymnasium. Mystik
Spiral is not as loud here.
STACY
Thanks for taking me, Chuck.
UPCHUCK
No problem, Stacy. I know what it's like
to be a reject.
STACY
Yeah.
UPCHUCK
That's OK. The fashion weasels, the
jocks, the popular crowd...they're all
going to wind up bitter in the end
because nothing is going to compare to
High School.
STACY
So, you're OK with our friendship being
platonic?
UPCHUCK
I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I
spent time this summer thinking about
things. I think that my approach has been
all wrong. Instead of trying to be
something I'm not, I'm going to spend
time this school year trying to figure
out who I really am.
STACY
Yeah. Me too. I've been running around
with Sandi too long and put down by Sandi
too long...I started believing everything
Sandi said about me. That's why...I tried
to do what I did.
UPCHUCK
We both have a lot of growing up to do.
STACY
Yeah. That we do.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are behind the bleachers with a
flashlight.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...I hope some of the girls
here are wearing skirts.
BEAVIS
Heh heh m heh heh...short skirts!
BUTT-HEAD
The shorter the better the sweater to get
her...or something...huh huh huh.
They
clamber in and around the bleachers, shining the
flashlight up at the people seated there.
BEAVIS
Damn, you can't see a thing with those
seats in the way. That sucks.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...yeah, that does suck.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
Mystik Spiral are finishing their set and dodging paper cups
thrown at them.
ANGLE ON: TRENT AND JESSE
They
are whispering to each other.
TRENT
We gotta go. This is crap.
JESSE
Let's finish this song.
TRENT
Then we bail.
JESSE
Yeah.
ANGLE ON: WHOLE STAGE
The
people up front begin to shake the stage.
MAX
is teetering on his drum throne, then he falls.
MAX
Guys! I'm down!
TRENT
Damn! Let's get out of here...
MAX
gets up, and the rest of Mystik Spiral unplug and run.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT
Mystik Spiral walk right past the Spinal Tap guys, who are
cooling their heels waiting to go on.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Hey, lads...
TRENT
What? We bombed out there. They want Tap.
Give it to them. They didn't want us.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Hell, we've had all kinds of crap thrown
at us. So, there's a bunch of hooligans
out there. We've dealt with them for
decades, man! Paper cups are nothing
compared to pint glasses and beer
bottles! You guys sounded great out
there. This isn't the end for you but the
beginning.
TRENT and the rest of Mystik Spiral stop in their tracks.
TRENT
Thanks, man...that means a lot.
TRENT and NIGEL shake hands.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Cheers, guys. It's our turn now. See you
at the party later, OK?
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - A FEW MINUTES LATER
The
chant of Tap! Tap! Tap! has been going on for a while
now,
to the rhythm of stomping feet and hands pounding on the
stage.
ROCK
N' ROLL RANDY walks out on stage, to the roar of the
crowd.
ROCK N' ROLL RANDY
OK...here it comes! Symphony On Tap,
featuring Spinal Tap!!!
The
crowd roars its approval.
The
stage is covered by a translucent curtain, as the
Lawndale Symphony Orchestra begins, pianissimo at the
beginning, to play the song "Break Like The Wind." Then the
three frontmen of Spinal Tap begin to sing. As the song
continues, electric instruments begin entering the picture.
Then, when the verse comes where it gets really loud, the
translucent curtain falls, revealing the huge stage with
Spinal Tap literally surrounded on three sides by the
orchestra.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
DARIA, JANE and TOM stand and watch for a few minutes, then
they
go backstage to try to find TRENT and his band.
CUT TO:
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The
members of Mystik Spiral are hanging out in the parking
lot.
The Tank has its side door open so that the proceedings
can
be heard, however faintly, from outside.
DARIA
Oh, there you guys are!
JANE
We thought you'd be in there watching
Spinal Tap!
TOM
Trent...you said you really liked them.
TRENT
Yeah, I do. Big time. And I have more
respect for them now than ever.
TOM
So why are you not in there?
TRENT
One, we don't feel welcome in there. It's
not because of the guys in Tap...far from
it, Nigel even told me I sounded good
tonight. It's all those freakin'
metalheads. They hated us. They were
yelling for Tap all the way through our
set. We know when we're not wanted. Two,
we can hear OK from here. And three, The
Tank doesn't have working locks on the
doors. Our equipment might suck next to
Tap's but it's all we've got.
TOM
I understand. OK, let's hang here and
listen.
TRENT
They invited us to a party after the
show.
TOM
Sounds good...never been to a Rock N'
Roll after-show party. You game, Daria?
DARIA
I suppose...I don't know how late I can
stay up before I do nosedives, though.
JANE
Not a big partier, I see.
DARIA
When have I been?
TRENT
Well, we'll party even harder to make up
for you.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are still looking for upskirt action
when
they trip over a beam supporting one of the bleachers.
There is a rumble even louder than what's going on on stage,
and
the bleachers begin to crumble.
BEAVIS
Whoa! Let's get outta here!
BUTT-HEAD
Can't! I'm trapped!
ANGLE ON: OPPOSITE BLEACHERS
STACY notices the bleachers on the other side begin to
buckle.
STACY
CHUCK! THE OTHER BLEACHERS ARE FALLING!
UPCHUCK
Holy crap!
ANGLE ON: CRUMBLING BLEACHERS
As
people scream and try to run. Some escape, some don't get
a
chance, as the bleachers collapse completely. Screams of
agony are heard.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM ON STAGE - NIGHT
The
band keeps playing...the glare of the lights prevent
anyone from seeing what's going on, and the volume prevents
anyone onstage from hearing the screams for help. Spinal Tap
are
playing "Hell Hole" as this all goes on.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
STACY and UPCHUCK run towards the bleachers.
ANGLE ON: THE FASHION CLUB
They
are pinned under some of the rubble. SANDI has been
knocked out, but QUINN and TIFFANY are conscious and groaning
in
pain.
STACY and UPCHUCK set to work pulling them out of the
wreckage.
STACY
This could hurt them even worse...
UPCHUCK
Yeah, but leaving them there would be
even worse. Now pull with me...
They
manage to get them free, and UPCHUCK carries SANDI away.
QUINN and TIFFANY are scraped up and bruised but are more or
less
ambulatory.
CUT TO:
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT
SANDI comes to as the cool of the night air hits her.
SANDI
OWWW! What the hell happened?
UPCHUCK
The bleachers collapsed. You were knocked
out. Quinn and Tiffany got out on their
own power.
SANDI
Your voice sounds familiar. I think I can
place it...oh my god it's UPCHUCK!
UPCHUCK
Yep. Now calm down, we have to get you to
the hospital.
SANDI
Oh my god he's touching me! Get him off
me! Get him off me!
STACY
He may just have saved your life, Sandi.
Think about that. And calm down.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
The
house lights are on, and the show has stopped. People are
being pulled from the wreckage of the bleachers, some looking
real
bad, others just pinned by the debris, bruised but not
badly hurt.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT
MS.
LI and ARTIE FUFKIN are having a heated argument.
MS. LI
Mr. Fufkin, I hold you 100% responsible
for this debacle! I will see your butt in
court!
ARTIE FUFKIN
Oh yeah? Well, I'm a lawyer myself, and I
can see lots of grounds to sue you and
the Lawndale Unified School District for
everything you have in your puny, anemic
coffers! Those bleachers must have been
in REALLY BAD SHAPE if they caved in like
they did! Your negligence caused grievous
injury and maybe even DEATH tonight!
MS. LI
Let's see who wins when I send my lawyers
to beat up your lawyers.
ARTIE FUFKIN
You're SO on! I'll be back, you bitch!
MS. LI
I look forward to destroying you, Fufkin!
CUT TO:
EXT
LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT
As
Paramedic trucks begin to roll in, UPCHUCK, STACY, QUINN
and
TIFFANY finally make it to The Tank.
DARIA
Oh my god...what happened?
UPCHUCK
One of the bleachers gave way. We managed
to get Tiffany and your sister free and
they seem to not be too badly hurt. Sandi
was knocked cold. We need to get them to
the hospital...Cedars is about a mile
from here.
TRENT
Let's roll.
CUT TO:
INT
CEDARS OF LAWNDALE EMERGENCY ROOM - LATE NIGHT
The
room is full of injured people. The camera pans along to
see
several faces we know amongst the injured and the
concerned who are there comforting them: JODIE, MACK, MR.
O'NEILL, MS. BARCH, to name a few. Even BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD
are
there, both tied to backboards on gurneys.
BUTT-HEAD
Oww...this damn board thing hurts!
BEAVIS
I hate this...OWW! Turn me loose from
this thing!
A
TOUGH NURSE walks by.
TOUGH NURSE
Listen you little twerps, it's there for
your own good. Do you wanna end up like
Christopher Reeve, for godsakes? We'll
turn you loose when we get some X-Rays of
your neck and back, but no sooner. And
there's a lot of people more injured than
you guys are ahead of you.
ANGLE ON: THE AUTOMATIC DOOR
As
NIGEL TUFNEL, DAVID ST. HUBBINS, DEREK SMALLS, ZACH
STARKEY and a few members of the SPINAL TAP ROAD CREW walk
in.
The guys in SPINAL TAP are in their street clothes.
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS follows in, directing the CATERING CREW
to
bring the boxes of party food into the waiting room.
JEANINE ST. HUBBINS
Hi all...we felt it was more appropriate
to share this all with you rather than
throw a party while you all were hurting.
DEREK SMALLS
Yeah! Food for all...they won't let us
bring the Champagne in here...some crap
about hospital regulations.
DAVID ST. HUBBINS
We feel your pain and want you to know
that Spinal Tap will get to the bottom of
what happened and make sure everyone is
made whole for what happened.
NIGEL TUFNEL
Yeah! What David said!
The
food is distributed, and even those immobilized on
backboards get a few bites of the cake and hors d'oevres.
DARIA, JANE, TOM, STACY, UPCHUCK and the members of MYSTIK
SPIRAL help to distribute the food.
QUINN and TIFFANY are seated in wheelchairs, while SANDI is
lying on a gurney, all close together.
QUINN
Sandi?
SANDI
Oww...yeah, Quinn?
QUINN
I think we should let Stacy back into the
Fashion Club.
SANDI
Why? She's a mental case, and she went
out with Upchuck! That's enough for a
lifetime ban.
QUINN
She also got us all free of the wreckage.
And Upchuck carried you out of the
gymnasium. They could have just bailed
but they helped you guys.
TIFFANY
Yeah...they're like...heroes...or
something.
QUINN
So, all for bringing Stacy back into the
Fashion Club?
TIFFANY and QUINN raise their hands.
QUINN (CONT'D)
All opposed?
SANDI tries to raise her hand but something is wrong with it.
SANDI
I think, due to circumstances, I should
be marked down as abstaining. Quinn, tell
Stacy that as recording secretary, she
should get this down on paper when she
has the time. And someone get a nurse, I
really am hurting badly.
QUINN
Wow, you never know about some people. I
never would figure Upchuck to be the one
to go in and help people like that. You
never know.
TIFFANY
Yeah...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT
LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, WOODSIDE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY
There is a press conference going on, conducted by ARTIE
FUFKIN and SPINAL TAP.
ARTIE FUFKIN
Yesterday evening, in the middle of
Spinal Tap's set with the Lawndale
Symphony Orchestra, one of the two sets
of bleachers gave way, causing 125 people
to be injured, most in a minor way, but
30 remain hospitalized at Cedars Of
Lawndale as I speak. The Lawndale PD and
Lawndale Fire are currently investigating
the cause of the tragedy now. We should
consider everyone very lucky, because
nobody's injuries were life-threatening,
and panic was kept to a minimum. We have
to mention the heroic efforts of some of
the students of Lawndale High, Stacy Rowe
and Charles Ruttheimer III to name but
two, who helped Lawndale Fire extricate
victims from the wreckage.
CUT TO:
INT
LAWNDALE HIGH AUDITORIUM
As
students watch the press conference as it airs on CNN.
Some
students are wearing metallic silver ribbons as a show
of
support for those who got hurt in the accident.
CUT TO:
INT
CEDARS OF LAWNDALE, ROOM SHARED BY BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD -
DAY
BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sitting in adjacent hospital beds,
wearing hospital gowns. They are bandaged up pretty bad,
BEAVIS has his left arm in a sling, and BUTT-HEAD's right leg
is
in traction.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh...last night was cool.
BEAVIS
Why? I broke my arm, you broke your leg,
and we never saw up any girls' skirts.
BUTT-HEAD
Still...it was a Tap concert.
BEAVIS
Yeah, you're right. Tap rules! They rule!
With
BEAVIS' good arm, BEAVIS throws the devil horns salute
to
the TV, and BUTT-HEAD also salutes the TV the same way.
The
theme music to BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD comes up as the
screen freezes, then pushes to the left to allow the credits
to
roll.
END
My
thanks to Peter Guerin, for suggesting the initial idea
for
this story, Bill Mc Neal for suggesting Beavis and Butt
Head's appearance, Danny Caccavo for suggesting I proceed
with
this, and everyone in #Daria+ on Sorcery.Net IRC for
encouragement. Most importantly thanks to Richie Hass for a
lot
of the really good ideas, like "Symphony Mall," and for
the
musical details. Smoochies Richie! :-)
The
characters of "Daria" are Copyright 2000 MTV Networks,
Inc., a Viacom International Company. They were created by
Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. "Spinal Tap" is a property of
Canal Plus Studios Et Cie, "Spinal Tap" was created by Rob
Reiner, Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer.
"Beavis and Butt-Head" is a property of MTV Networks, Inc., a
Viacom International Company, and were created by Mike Judge.