Written & Directed By:
The scene is twanged in with White Trash. (intro)
We open on the suburbs at the end of summer. The streets are composed of single story homes, wooden fences and lawns that range from green to brown and mud. The pickup truck to car ratio is 2:1.
†A moving truck is parked behind an onyx blue 2005 Lexus LS430 sedan (with dealership tags still) in front of the Morgendorffer home, which now sports a FOR SALE sign. In the foreground Daria Morgendorffer* is standing behind the Lexus, Stewart Stevenson and Mrs. Stevenson (CAMEO: TRACY GRANDSTAFF) stand before her. In the background Mr. Stevenson, Jake and Helen Morgendorffer (dressed appropriately for the season) are moving boxes into the car. Quinn Morgendorffer is directing her parents but is inaudible. Occasionally Jake is heard groaning, moaning and swearing.
*Outfit one: black leather jacket, black pleated skirt and white T-shirt
Mrs. Stevenson hands Daria a bowl of cookies.
MRS. STEVENSON Itís sad to see you go Daria but I hope you enjoyÖ where was it you where going again?
DARIA Far, far away.
MRS. STEVENSON (chuckles) Oh Daria youíre so funny!
STEWART Yeah, weíll miss you!
DARIA Um, thanks.
Stewart takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and holds it out to Daria. Mrs. Stevenson goes to help Helen move stuff into the car.
STEWART Keep in touch?
BUTT-HEAD (off screen) Uh-huh. Touch.
BEAVIS (off screen) Like theyíre gonna do it.
We now see the two young dullards behind Daria, Beavis and Butt-Head.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh. Stewartís girl friend is leaving him.
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he. Like, where ya goiní?
DARIA Tell them Stewart.
STEWART (smiles) Far, far away.
DARIA (hands him a cookie) Good Stewart.
BUTT-HEAD Like, why?
DARIA Because the moving truck came.
BEAVIS But likeÖumÖow! Thinking hurts.
BUTT-HEAD Donít put Diarrhea out of a job.
BEAVIS Yeah, then sheíd like have to leave.
DARIA And seek much more meaningful employment elsewhere.
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he, yeah. That was complicated.
DARIA Highland sucks.
BEAVIS Oh yeah.
BUTT-HEAD UmÖokay. So like, have
you seen our TV?
BEAVIS Itís missing.
DARIA My condolences.
JAKE Time to go kiddo!
DARIA I bid you, now and forever more, adieu.
BUTT-HEAD She said Ďdooí.
They both laugh uncontrollably.
STEWART Bye Daria.
He holds his hands out for a hug.
DARIA Bye Stewart.
She shoves a cookie into his mouth and goes to the Lexus. Momentarily she turns back to the boys and tosses them her pendant. Butt-Head catches it.
BEAVIS Letís break it!
The Lexus speeds off with the moving truck behind them. The boys watch and chant ďDiarrhea, cha, cha, chaĒ! We watch the two vehicles zip by a dilapidated green sign:
HAPPY TRAILS YíALL!
Song: Are You Going To Be My Girl?
We see Dariaís green Mead notebook. Her hands enter the picture and open it. She takes a pencil and writes the credits:
BCM-7 PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
Flip of the page. She writes again:
She under lines it then flips the page and writes down the credits, this is occasionally punctuated with little crude doodles of various characters and Janeís sketches getting shoved into the book.
Jake and Helen as an Egyptian queen and her bowing servant
Quinn working at a gas station
Jane riding a large missile like in Dr. Strangelove
Ms. Li in jackboots and giving a Nazi salute
The Fashion Club as sharks
Mystik Spiral as KISS
Daria and Trent on a Gone with the Wind poster
Daria dead asleep at her desk, her head resting on the note book
SCENE: WELCOME TO
Are You Going To Be My Girl? Fades out as the radio starts in gradually. Welcome to the Jungle plays behind Bingís monologue.
BING (on the radio) Hey! Hey!
The Lexus passes through green forests and the outer limits
BING (on the radio) The first person to guess the Spatula Manís weight gets a ZEE 93 bumper sticker courtesy of Bing and the Spatula Man! Weíre cominí at ya live from the old Lawndale Flea MarketÖ
Helen turns the radio down a little as Short Skirt, Long Jacket comes on.
HELEN (turns to her daughters) Weíre here girls!
DARIA But do we want to be?
HELEN Donít start Daria. (glances at the sleeping Quinn) Iíve been meaning to have a talk with you since before we left.
DARIA Should I have scheduled an appointment?
HELEN (automatically) Yes! (shakes it off) No! Daria. Weíre in a new town and you have a blank slate.†
DARIA Itís the same slate I had in the old town.
HELEN You donít have to beÖ who you
JAKE (to no one) A Wal-Mart, neat!
DARIA Iíve come to that conclusion also. Iím going to make people pay for my useless information from now on instead of doling it out for free.
HELEN What I mean is you can fit in here!
DARIA (looks up from her book) I know I didnít fit in when we where in
HELEN With an attitude like that of course youíll have the
same problems here as you did in
DARIA Whether its
Helen sighs deeply and shakes her head.
JAKE It looks like the new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!
DARIA Hey, disco pants and haircuts.
HELEN Just stop cutting people off so quickly, okay?
DARIA Slow down, gotcha.
HELEN When someone talks to you, for example when your mother tries to have a meaningful conversation with her daughter, play your strengths- show them your intelligence and your sparkling wit instead of just shutting them down.
DARIA (deadpan) Give people a chance.
HELEN Donít say it like that.
DARIA Give people a chance.
HELEN Are you even trying?
DARIA I thought you wanted me to play my strengths?
HELEN Why do I even bother?
JAKE Helen, look, a Taco Bell!
HELEN (to Jake while Daria begins to talk) Quiet Jake!
DARIA Because youíre a loving mother, doting wife and giving provider. You care deeply about your daughters and their well being.
HELEN Where you being sincere or sarcastic?
DARIA (goes back to reading) For a lawyer you wonít let me have a lot of grey areas.
Quinn wakes up.
QUINN Are we there yet?
HELEN Yes. Quinn I expect you to help your sister adjust to
QUINN I thought sarcasm was Dariaís thing mom.
DARIA Wow, thatís the most intelligent thing to come out of your mouth all trip. Well except for that burger you power chucked at the Casey Jones museum.
QUINN (looking around) Whereís the mall? Is there a mall here? If not can we move again?
JAKE Havenít seen one yet sweetie.
DARIA Me neither, but I have seen a lot of sewing supply stores.
QUINN (distressed) Sewing?!
HELEN (angry) Daria be quiet! Quinn calm down! Jake hurry up, the speed limit is 35 and youíre barely pushing 33. For once hurry the hell up!
JAKE But youíre always telling me-
HELEN (angry) Oh why do I bother let me handle this! Pull over now!
She grabs the wheel from Jake, he turns too hard. They swerve towards a strip mall parking lot but overshoot it and slam into a tree. Inside air bags have deployed and everyone is visibly shaken.
JAKE I didnít do it!
DARIA Iím still a tax break.
QUINN (horrified) Uhh! Ahh!
Daria and Helen look. We see Quinn has gotten nail polish all over her shirt.
Then the ground gives out in front of the Lexus and they roll over into a drainage ditch.
QUINN Whatís that smell?!
DARIA Teen spirit.
HELEN Stop joking Daria!
DARIA Iím playing my strengths.
Then the tree Jake hit falls onto the Lexus.
QUINN (voice-over) Can we go home now?
On the front lawn of 1111 is a grey suited lawyer carrying flowers, Eric Shrecter. He watches a blue 1995 Ford Taurus (with dealership markings) pulls up to the house. Jake* gets out of the passenger side and offers his hand to Eric.
* Jake is wearing a white short sleeved shirt button up shirt and black slacks.
JAKE Hi! Jake-
ERIC Iím sorry but no.
Daria and Quinn get out of the car.
ERIC Iím not converting so you can get back into your clown car and leave. Why didnít you guys stick with bikes?
Helen gets out of the car.
ERIC (looking at Helen) Oh, youíre Helen Morgendorffer. (looks at Jake) You didnít mentionÖ
Awkwardly he hands the flowers to Daria and pats her on the head.
ERIC Helen! Eric Shrecter, cousin Dewayne has told me so much about you!
He and Helen meet, shake hands.
ERIC Good grip!
HELEN Oh, why thank you Eric.
ERIC I can tell youíll be an asset to the team already.
HELEN Youíre too kind.
ERIC I know, but hey, Iím your boss, itís my prerogative.
Jake is standing dumbfounded and a little unsure, as he has been since Eric greeted Helen.
DARIA Donít bother Dad. You didnít know the secret handshake and now heíll never talk to you again.
JAKE Thereís a handshake?
ERIC (turns to
the family) Hey, good to meet all of you. Jack, Dara,
Quinn, welcome to
For the scene end the family forms up in front of the house beside the FOR SALE- SOLD sign. Thereís the click of a camera.† Moments later this now framed image is hung up near the stairs besides Daria and Quinnís baby picture.
(continues seamlessly into next scene)
SCENE: MOVING IN (MORGENDORFFER HOME INTERIOR)
We are inside the Morgendorffer home. Jake is beaming at the picture he just put up. Daria stands beside him.
JAKE Its official, the Morgendorffers are here to stay!
DARIA Unless weíre re-zoned.
JAKE Come on Daria, Mom and Quinn love it here already. Whatís got you down?
DARIA Dad, Quinnís been hiding in the Cashmanís since Tuesday and I think Mom has a sleeping bag under her desk at work.
JAKE (puts his arm around Daria) More room for us kiddo!
DARIA (slips out from under Jake) Speaking of which I think Iíll be heading back to mine.
JAKE (sighs) All right then, guess Iíll just stand here alone and dejected.
DARIA Donít stand too long Dad. (taps her knee) Itís bad for your knees.
Daria leaves her fatherís side and walks up the stairs.
JAKE Dammit! Stupid reverse psycho-babble crappy crap!
Daria is at the top of the stairs. (Jake is heard in the background)
DARIA (under her breathe) I am a rock. I am an island.
She disappears from view.
SCENE: THE SANCTUARY SANCTORUM (DARIAíS INTERIOR)
Dariaís bedroom: The bed is in place as is a broken TV, padded walls and barred windows. All of her stuff is still in boxes except for her skeleton on a stand. A Mac computer sits on the floor besides an unassembled desk. Daria lays down on her bed. She reaches over the side and pulls a CD player from underneath it and hits play.
Messiní With The Kid plays on her CD player at an appropriate noise level. She produces a harmonica from within her leather jacket, looks at it then sets it down and goes to staring at the ceiling.
DARIA Slackerís log volume 2 entry 3:
Helen enters the room. She has a clipboard in her hands.
DARIA -Remember to close and deadbolt door every time. On a related note- ask father to buy me a deadbolt.
HELEN Iíll need you to sign this Daria.
DARIA Giving me to medical science already?
HELEN Itís a family agreement. It lays down the ground rules for living under this roof.
She hands it to Daria who signs at the bottom of the clipboard.
DARIA Is that including the garage?
She hands back the clipboard. At the same time Jake enters the room behind Helen.
HELEN Yes. Now weíre going to go to Chez Pierre.
DARIA Have fun.
HELEN Youíre coming with us. Thatís not an option.
He trips on the skeleton stand, he and the skeleton fall. He smashes the hydrocephalic skull replica through the monitor of Dariaís computer.
DARIA Dammit, now you owe me dinner. (gets off the bed) Letís get this over with.
She walks out of the room. Jake has since picked himself up. Helen shakes her head then leaves the room. Jake then lies down on Dariaís bed and stares at the ceiling.
JAKE Wow, thatís a lot of cracks!
HELEN (off screen) Get your ass down here Jake!
Jake leaves. We pull in tightly on the LED clock besides the bed. Itís .
SCENE: GREEN ONIONS (DARIAíS INTERIOR)
Green Onions plays throughout this scene.
The clock changes to and the alarm goes off. We pull out so a Daria shaped lump is visible in the bed. The room is partially cleaned, stuff is now scattered everywhere. She grumbles and gets up; from there itís kind of a montage:
- Grabbing a maroon skirt and white T-shirt from the closet
-Showering, brushing her teeth, aiming a blow dryer at her head and letting it go full blast
-lacing up boots and getting up (Clerks homage)
-Dressed and procrastinating with Feng Shui (swapping around the heart and cheese wedge in the room)
-She grabs her black leather jacket off the back of her chair and book bag then heads out
She walks quietly downstairs. Jake is sleeping on the couch. She sneaks passed him and into the kitchen. Quinn has left a note on the fridge-
Caught a ride with Stacy!
Daria opens the pantry and grabs a pop tart. The wrapper makes noise in her hands; she steals a look at her sleeping father and puts the pop tart back. She proceeds to down a quarter of a bear of honey. She puts it back then sneaks around to the front door. Right as she grabs the door knob Jake gets up and looks at her.
JAKE (smiling) Hey Daria! Ready for school?!
Daria makes a small groan. The song ends.
Insane in the Membrane plays.
LHS is a uniformly red brick vast multi story high school complex. Jake drops off Daria in front of the school near a large congregation of students.
JAKE Have fun kiddo!
She looks around and is unimpressed with what she sees.
DARIA Define Ďfuní.
She starts walking through the crowd and makes assessments.
DARIA Beavis, Butt-Head, Beavis, Beavis, Earl, Tanqueray, LolitaÖ two Cassandraís and a Stewart. No PATSIES, a plusÖ Quinn. In quadruple helpings, damn.
We pan over slightly to where Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are talking.
STACY This is Quinn, we met at Chez Pierre last night.
SANDI Iíve never met a Quinn before.
STACY Quinnís from
QUINN Well I did live near
QUINN And thatís my cousin, we
picked her up at
SANDI Hmph. (turns up her nose at Daria)
DARIA You all have a fine day.*
*When Daria says Ďyou allí the Ďallí is quickly forced. Itís what happens when years are spent around people who say yíall and saying it yourself.
Daria leaves them and we stay focused on Quinnís group.
STACY (giggles) Did you guys hear the way she pronounced Ďyou allí?
QUINN Uh, yeah. So Stacy was telling me all about this club you guys have.
SANDI The Fashion Club.
QUINN How do I apply?
SANDI Well youíve already passed the first test. If someone has to ask what the Fashion Club does then obviously theyíre not qualified to join. Now-
Sandi makes a spinning motion with her hand. Quinn turns around 360 degrees.
SANDI Application approved. Iím president, Stacy is our secretary and Tiffany is the coordinating officer.
QUINN What do I get to be?
SANDI I like your style so I move to make Quinn Morgendorffer vice president of the Fashion Club.
TIFFANY I second.
SANDI Then thatís final. Quinn, with the powers vested in me I appoint you Vice President of the Fashion Club.
STACY Oh goody!
Stacy takes the ĎFashion Club charterí, a pink Mead (product placement) notebook from her bunny book bag. She writes in it then hands it to Quinn.
QUINN Thereís two ĎFísí in Morgendorffer.
SCENE: TOUR GUIDE JODIE (LHS INTERIOR)
By The Way (intro) plays.
The ochre halls of LHS. The walls are dotted with rows of half lockers, two high. School spirit posters abound, many of them denoting itís the start of a new school year or that fall is in bloom. In the center of the hall Daria is in a group of new students. In front of them is Jodie Landon.
JODIE My name is Jodie Landon and I want to welcome every
new student to
DARIA (murmurs) I am not a crook.
JODIE Any questions for me?
DARIA Can you validate parking?
Jodie goes directly in front of Daria.
JODIE Please donít tell me youíre going to be a nuisance Ms. Morgendorffer.
Daria gives her an innocent, blank stare.
Man (Opposable Thumb) plays into the next scene.
SCENE: 7474505B (Ms. LIíS OFFICE)
Ms. Liís office. Tightly organized the room is an ode to its proprietor. We focus in quickly on various items around the room: A Worldís Greatest Disciplinarian award, a jade Buddha, a polygraph machine, a Most Wanted bulletin board adorned with mug shots of students (including Lane, J.), a framed picture of her in her ballerina days.
A hand drums on the desk. ĎJANEí is written across the right hand knuckles.
LI (voice over) Stop that
We then focus on Ms. Li in her seat of power.
She is looking at a manila folder then she sets it down. On it is written: LANE, JANE STUDENT ID 7474505B
LI Iíve been dreading this day.
We pan over to
JANE If you like I can tip over the Ultra Cola machine. You can suspend me again, youíll laugh, Iíll laugh. Good times for all.
JANE Iím Dada in the flesh. What do I have to prove?
LI That you wonít be spending your senior year at Juvie?
JANE (straightens up) I can assure you that I wonít miss a minute of school in juvenile hall.
LI Thatís good to hear
JANE Hey, your sub-sub contractor gave me $500 and no questions asked. I painted my heart out-
LI And all over the gym walls! I did not authorize graffiti!
JANE It was art!
LI It got you suspended, on the clean up crew, three weeks of crossing guard duty in which you where caught being a destructive influence on minors!
JANE So I used an unauthorized hand signal on Tommy Sherman. He was driving way too fast around those kids!
JANE I concede. (holds up her hands) Just not the hands okay?
LI Jodie Landon is giving tours of the school and working with the new students. I want you to assist her.
Jane groans a little and gets up.
LI 1200 students learn here but you monopolize my time more than 1183 of them.
JANE See you next Wednesday.
SCENE: BELLY OF THE BEAST (LHS INTERIOR)
LHS halls. Jodie is guiding the tour group.
JODIE Since itís everyoneís first day-
Jane comes in from a side hall and takes her place beside Jodie.
JANE Welcome to Laaaaawndale High where nothing matters and neither do you!
JODIE What do you think youíre doing?
JANE Ms. Li told me to take over the tour from here; you can
go back to practicing your winning smile and your valedictorian acceptance
speech. (to the tour group) Iím
JODIE Youíre a nuisance.
JANE Iím offended.
JODIE Youíre offensive. (to the tour group)
DARIA Will this color be issued or will I have to buy it at the student store?
JODIE Real funny. (to the group) Tour dismissed. Again, welcome to Lawndale High!
Jodie introduces Jane to Daria.
JANE Morgendorffer; one ĎFí or two?
JODIE According to her records, none, straight Aís.
DARIA How the hell did you see my record?
JANE Itís a police state and sheís a member of the Waffen SS.
DARIA Where does she hide the gun?
JODIE I like to know who my competition is in the battle for valedictorian.
DARIA Iím a conscientious objector so count me out.
JANE This is
DARIA What about a body bag?
JODIE It seems Iím no longer needed here.
Jodie leaves the scene.
DARIA (to Jane) Is it always that easy?
JANE Yeah, but itís not usually that fun.
DARIA So this is what fun is.
JANE Welcome to
SCENE: BREAK (LHS GYM)
Youíre Standing on My Neck (Commercial break cut) plays.
Two teams of girls are playing volleyball. All of them wear blue LHS shirts and gold shorts. Daria stands firmly and without interest near the back. The ball gently sails past her. Everyone gives her the evil eye; she laconically moves a hand to intercept.
SCENE: CLASS ASSOCIATIONS (MR. OíNEILLíS CLASSROOM)
Forgot About Dre (intro) plays.
Mr. OíNeillís class; a basic classroom with a whiteboard and
walls covered in motivational posters. Mr. OíNeill is front and center in the
room. Daria sits between Upchuck and
ONEILL Good morning class! †Before we start this morning I want to ask if
anyone is interested in helping with my after school program, the Itís Okay to
ONEILL Anyone? No.
He sniffles and carries on.
ONEILL Letís start the day off right by introducing a valued addition to our English class. Letís all give a big Lawndale High welcome to Daria Mogenfoffer!
Someone snickers at the name.
DARIA Its Morgendorffer.
ONEILL I heard you transferred here from
More snickering. It continues in the background as OíNeill keeps talking.
ONEILL I bet
DARIA Thank you, youíve done plenty for me already Mr. OíNeill.
ONEILL Thanks, I try. Is there anything youíd like to say?
DARIA Nothing I can express in front of witnesses.
ONEILL Well donít keep anything bottle up okay?
Daria doesnít reply.
ONEILL Class I was thinking we could take our study of medieval literature to an exciting new place!
DARIA Jolly old
ONEILL Yes and no Daria! Yesterday I asked you all to read The Canterbury Tales alone and to yourselves but then I realized these tales can be kind of tricky to read. So I was thinking, why not pair up everyone with the student beside them and let them read it to each other? Play roles, embrace characters, between two people figure out how to pronounce some of these words and with the combined intellect of the two come to truly understand what these stories are about!
DARIA Two wrongs equal a right. Dialectic. Hegel would be so proud.
Bridge: Kick Out The Jams (intro)
We pan through the class, students trying to recite lines back and forth to each other but mostly just giving strange looks and laughing. We focus in on Daria and Brittany.
DARIA (deadest pan) I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. La-la-la-la-la.
DARIA What are you reading?
BRITTANY Oh, I thought you where on the wrong chapter. (sheepish grin) I didnít want to embarrass you.
DARIA Iím touched.
Upchuck, the student behind Daria, leans over her way. An ancient copy of Ian Flemingís Thrilling Cities in hand. Andrea the Goth Chick, his partner, keeps reading on her own.
UPCHUCK Did I hear my ninth favorite word? Eighth if you count Ďbareí and Ďassí as one.
DARIA (on reflex) Settle down Beavis- who ever you are.
UPCHUCK Charles Ruttheimer the Third, at your service.
DARIA He certainly lives up to that name.
UPCHUCK The important thing is that you speak of me and remember.
DARIA To pack mace.
UPCHUCK Exciting! Rowr!
Suddenly Mr. DeMartino bursts into the room.
DEMARTINO All RIGHT Mr. Ruttheimer! Get YOUR damn Volvo out of my space PRONTO!
UPCHUCK I didnít see any sign.
DEMARTINO I KNOW you didnít. Thatís why Iím HUNTING down Mr. Thompson next. NOW MOVE!
UPCHUCK Till fate entwines our lives once more ladies.
Upchuck gets up and leaves.
DARIA I donít know what just happened but I should probably be thankful.
BRITTANY That guy was Mr. DeMartino, my history teacher.
Daria pulls her class schedule from her leather jacketís pocket. She looks at it then groans. Upchuck follows DeMartino out.
ONEILL Just a minute class!
Mr. OíNeill follows DeMartino out.
ONEILL Anthony wait!
DARIA The man has his priorities straight, Iíll give him that.
BRITTANY Yes? What do you mean your band is canceling Monique? Iím not some high schooler! Iím the head cheerleader! Thereís a difference! Hello? Hello?
She Ďhmphsí and puts the phone back.
BRITTANY Oh now what am I going to do?
DARIA Cry me a river?
BRITTANY Thanks for trying to cheer me up Daria but my party tonight is ruined! The live music cancelled. Without a Jacuzzi or music itís just another party! Oh my God! Did I say that?! I mean without a Jacuzzi yet!
She sniffles and runs off. Daria looks over her shoulder at the rest of the class.
DARIA Three down, thirty-one to go.
Teenage Girl brings us into the next scene.
SCENE: TRENT AND HIS TRENTMOBILE (LHS EXTERIOR)
The school bell rings. Students pour through the open school doors. Among them are Daria and Jane, they are walking towards the parking lot.
JANE Want a ride home?
DARIA I donít take rides from strangers.
JANE Whatís so strange about me?
DARIA Youíre the strangest person Iíve ever met.
JANE You only say that because you donít know my brother.
DARIA Another half-starved artist?
JANE And then some!
DARIA Iíll definitely pass. Besides, I need to make up for all that exercise I didnít get in gym.
JANE I was kind of surprised they started sneaking in those cheerleader practices so early this year.
DARIA Itís not cheerleader practice, itís focus on agility.
JANE You showed Ms. Morris your cat-like agility. Of course
the cat in mind was
DARIA I just met you and Iím already beginning to dislike you.
JANE If you donít out and out hate a Lane by now then itís not happening.
DARIA Wanna bet?
We pan over from the girls to
Daria is thrown off center by
JANE Well there just went the intellectual
Jane opens the passenger door of the car and pulls the seat forward.
JANE Ready to go Thunderstruck?
DARIA (low) I hate you.
JANE Hate me on the way.
Once Jane is in and belted
JAKE Where the Hell is she dammit?
Spit plays on Janeís stereo until the scene ends.
Janeís room. Itís an eclectic mix of art supplies, art projects in various states of completion and/or neglect and Janeís personal wardrobe. Most everything is just tossed randomly on the floor along with food and food style products. A massive bed with a stereo on its headboard dominates the room and before it sits a TV and desktop computer (still in a box). Behind the bed is a half finished coat of arms.
Daria sits on the bed while Jane paints on a large easel.
JANE So did Mr. OíNeill make the class try to figure out who was who just by feeling hands?
DARIA I believe thatís on next Fridayís agenda. Today we had to partner up with whomever in the room annoys you the most.
JANE His words or yours?
DARIA I donít think I can bring myself to recite his exact words. I got stuck with Brittany Taylor.
JANE Wow, I bet you could just reach out and touch popularity. You must have felt special.
DARIA After five minutes with
JANE He does that. Now some more about
DARIA WellÖ Iíd say the deepest thing about her is the depth of her ignorance. That pit between her ears is a close second.
JANE Nah, youíd have to bore it out more. My theory is that she lacks the capacity for depth.
DARIA Tell me about it. I had to phonetically spell out words for her then right as sheís about to get something right without getting to the third hint she stops to take a phone call.
JANE A second D is ready for installation?
DARIA I have a feeling OíNeill is incapable of giving anything below that. (Pause and then surprise) Oh!
Jane smirks for an instant.
DARIA Apparently she had a band booked for a party tonight and they just cancelled because a cheerleaderís party is beneath them. I had to explain to her what rejection is.
Jane stops routing around and sits up.
JANE She needs a band?
DARIA You interested?
JANE Iím not.
Jane jumps up and hurried out of the room.
SCENE: REQUIEM FOR A PARTY (LANE RESIDENCE)
The kitchen. A bland yellow room decorated in early art student.
Jane is sitting at the table with a phone to her ear and the yellow pages before her. Daria makes it into the room just as Jane begins to speak.
JANE Hello? Brittany Taylor? (pause)
Yes, you. My name is
Jane growls and redials.
JANE You need a band for your party tonight and the Spiral has an opening. (pause) Well itís short notice so weíll have to charge you. (pause) Why we play both kinds of music: rock and alt! (pause) Sure theyíll do that too. (pause) Good? Then itís agreed. See you tonight.
Jane hangs up the phone and gets up.
DARIA Not interested?
JANE If I said I could care even less about her party Iíd be lying. Mom and Dad are out of town for the next 3 to 6 months and forgot to leave enough bill money so Trent and I improvise when we can. Come on Daria, letís rally the troops!
DARIA Didnít I already explain my position on that?
JANE Youíll get twenty bucks, letís roll.
Daria sighs and follows Jane.
SCENE: KABBALAH-LA (
We quickly cut to Kevin and Brittany in the dining room.
KEVIN What was that babe?
KEVIN In mysterious ways.
He gives her a moment to take in his deep thought.
KEVIN I got one!
SCENE: FINDING THE BAND
Dig up Her Bones
JANE (on the phone) This is the management and this is your courtesy call. Get the Hell up!
JANE (on the phone) Wake up time. You have a gig in two hours! We need to collect the band.
TRENT Okay. Yeah and um yeah.
He hangs up and goes back to sleep. Suddenly Jane bursts
into the room banging on a pot with a wooden spoon. At the first Ďreveilleí
JANE Reveille! Reveille! Reveille! All hands heave out and trice up! The smoking lamp is lited*! The uniform of the day is yesterdayís shirt and unsoiled pants now get the hell out of bed! Reveille! Reveille! Now reveille!
Jane smiles and shrugs.†
* That is not a typo. Proper pronunciation depends on the speakerís interpretation of the word.
SCENE: ON THE MOVE (
The squealing of tires. We watch
the Trentmobile burn rubber. It loses a hubcap on the way out of the driveway.
The car backfires as it vanishes from the screen. We cut to the
car- Jane is driving,
TRENT When did you get a license Janie?
JANE I didnít.
TRENT Maybe I should drive.
JANE Maybe you should put your shirt on and practice Come As You Are.
JANE Daria, would you call sleeping with a guitar in your hands practice?
TRENT As long as you donít drop it.
DARIA (loud) Watch out for that-
We hear a cat shriek.
JANE Explains why the lamp chord hasnít been gnawed through yet. You know, on second thought see if you can remember that version of Cat Scratch Fever you and Jesse worked up.
JANE Then improvise dammit!
JANE Yeah I hear most guitarist do that every couple of months. Some even practice with metronomes.
TRENT But that clacking drives me nuts!
JANE Everyone else suffers for their art
DARIA Maybe you should just let me off here and keep your twenty bucks.
TRENT Sheís getting money?
JANE Fly girls donít work cheap. She twisted my arm.
DARIA My boots are bigger than hers.
JANE She overcompensates for severe psychological problems that leave her unable to interact with the world around her; sheíd make a great artist.
DARIA Now I really hate you.
JANE Hate me after you get paid. (pause) Here we go!
She turns hard and Daria & Trent get thrown to the right. Thereís a sudden jerk as Jane slams on the brake.
JANE Do you have a license?
TRENT Yeah itís in my pants.
JANE And where are they?
JANE (gets out of the car) Maybe you can borrow Jesseís.
TRENT He may want his shirt back first.
JANE Keep your shirt on.
TRENT But itís his shirt.
DARIA This is what I get for fitting in somewhere other than nowhere.
Outside we see Jane & Trent with Daria straggling behind
on the unkempt lawn of a single story. It and the surrounding neighborhood look
very low rent and of 1960ís construction. Beside
JANE Dammit! Where the hell is he?
TRENT Maybe heís found a new band.
Jane groans and slams her fist on the door a final time. We pan over to Daria who is still looking down. Thereís a pair of boots poking out under the front of the car.
DARIA I found the body.
Jane and Trent walk over. Looking up from a Tarantino angle (inside the hood as opposed to the trunk) it opens and weíre looking up at Daria, Trent and Jane (who re-enters the picture after a few moments) Jesse is in the empty engine compartment doing some work with headphones on full blast. From the static it sounds like Looking down the Barrel of a Gun.
JANE Your mom kick you out again?
TRENT Easy, his mom is a tough woman.
DARIA (looking away) Thatís her chopper then.
JANE Itís a 1950ís Harley pan head. Ex- Lawndale PD. Keep it straight.
JESSE (removes his headphones) She wonít let me back in until I do my laundry.
TRENT Damn. I needed to borrow some pants.
JANE We have a gig.
JESSE Iím not in the band any more.
JANE Come on! Thereís money involved. You can afford to have someone else to do your laundry!
JESSE Itís not about money. Itís about art.
TRENT Rock on.
JESSE Is that my shirt?
DARIA Then how about this- you come with us to a party. Bring your guitar.
DARIA You can play your guitar in front of a bunch of chicks. Trent and the other guys will play too. If youíre all on the same song then so be it.
JANE You in?
Jesse scoots out from under the car and heads for the front door.
JESSE (yells) Mom! Get me my leather pants!
Jane, Daria and Trent stand stone still. Daria sniffs, then Trent and Jane.
TRENT Heís riding in back.
We cut back to them all in the
JESSE I didnít bathe.
JANE Do tell.
JESSE Youíre smelling the cran-straw candles off my clothes.
TRENT It stinks.
JESSE Chicks dig it.
JANE (over her shoulder) Daria?
DARIA (covering her nose) Why do you insist on addressing me?
JANE Just trying to include you.
DARIA Exclusion is acceptable.
TRENT Thanks for the pants Jess.
JESSE Itís cool. I only wore them a time or two.
Dysentery Gary plays on the radio.
We are treated to a shot of the
Cut back to the interior of the
JANE And if you look to the left
DARIA There goes my trick ear.
JANE Oh, itís my little theory. Ms. Li blows most of the schoolís funding on paranoia paraphernalia; this is from a casual observerís stand point mind you, and with this she legitimately diverts funds and launders them.
DARIA Those bomb sniffing dogs have to eat somehow.
JANE Bet your old schoolís metal detectors couldnít give you the exact change in your pocket.
DARIA Last school didnít have metal detectors.
JANE Howíd they keep the armed nuts out?
DARIA The other students shot him.
The car stops and everyone piles out. Theyíre parked besides ďThe TankĒ a modified í86 Chevy Van 10 in a weeded out empty lot. On one side is Liqour Líamour and to the other is an iffy three story apartment complex.
The Tank: its government surplus so the exterior has been spray painted matte black over the original white. It has a metal equipment rack of top. A red anarchy A is sprayed onto the sliding door. On the passenger and driver side doors blue letters (with a little white showing) are visible:
FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY
Jane tries to open the driverís side door but itís locked. She looks into the windows and tries knocking.
DARIA He lives in this thing?
JANE When he canít afford rent. And itís not a thing, itís the Tank.
JESSE Itís indestructible.
TRENT But it eats gas.
JANE Heís not in here. (points at the apartment building) It appears that is the elegant abode of Max Tyler. Heís a bit temperamental so follow my lead. Donít talk. Look mean and no smiling.
DARIA Do you have to waste your breathe at every opportunity?
JANE (shrugs) I really hate dead air.
SCENE: THE ELEGANT ABODE OF MAX TYLER (MAXíS INTERIOR)
Maxís home. The studio apartment is completely trashed. Over the layer of garbage is a ton of Ďzení paraphernalia. Max sits on a sagging futon eating ramein noodles in a bowl of beer with chopsticks. †Heís transfixed with the TV- Sick, Sad World is on.
On TV- †Splitscreen. One side is Glenn Eichler (CAMEO: MIKE JUDGE) and the other is Mike Judge (CAMEO: GLENN EICHLER), their names appear beneath them and both are dressed as boxers.
SSW ANNOUNCER (voice over) Watch as two former associates duke it out- On the drawing board!
The two screens pull out and become one. Eichler and Judge are at separate easels. Both begin to draw furiously. Susie Lewis Lynn (CAMEO: SUSIE LEWIS LYNN) plays referee between them.
SSW ANNOUNCER Boxing Judge/ Boxing Eichler on the next Sick, Sad World!
A rapid flurry of knocks at the door.
JANE (through the door) Itís Jane!
MAX Jane who?
A moment of silence, murmurs are heard through the door. Max sets down his dinner and stands up.
DARIA (through the door) Lawndale PD.
MAX Oh sh-!
He rushes around the room hiding various objects. All of which look like something you can smoke out of.
MAX Just a minute!
DARIA (through the door) We know what youíre doing in there. Your mother would be very ashamed.
MAX You donít know about my momma!
He rushes into the kitchenette and starts wildly pulling aerosol bottles from under the sink. Then he permeates the room in Lysol. Thereís a bout of hacking and coughing before he gets to the door. He opens the door with a smile. Jane flicks the mini bong hanging around his neck.
JANE Missed a spot.
MAX What do you guys want?
JANE A drummer.
MAX Do we still have a band?
JANE Weíre having an informal jam session tonight.
MAX I donít know guys. Iím busy. I have a lot to work-
JANE Free finger foods.
MAX Letís rock!
SCENE: PARTAY CRA-ZAY (
Hollaback Girl plays.
JANE I know. Thatís why I had Jesse bring an extra guitar.
TRENT Oh thanks.
JANE Just remember guys these are high school girls, so no touchy.
MAX But Iím a faith healer, this is my clientele.
DARIA Rasputin said the same thing.
JANE Pleasure before business tonight Max.
MAX But IÖright Jane. Pleasure before business.† Ah-ha. Letís rock.
TRENT Janie I know we forgot something.
JANE (annoyed) Oh well.
SCENE: PARTY ON (
As our intrepid (?) heroes enter Hollaback Girl dies out and Butterfly comes on.
The interior is done in a combination of late southern plantation and mock Tudor style with a den inspired by the novels of Isaak Denison. Itís the back drop for mingling and/or dancing students; some of which are Ďgetting retardedí.
JANE Trent please, youíre like a broken record.
Pause. The two stare. We pan over a little. Nick is standing near three cheerleaders with a sly smile and a dark drink in his hand.
JANE The bass player. Guess we need one of those.
JESSE Not really.
DARIA The real Doors didnít have a bass player.
JANE What do you mean ĎThe Real Doorsí?
DARIA You mean this isnít a Doors cover band?
JESSE Not cool.
Daria half steps back uncomfortably.
JANE Or Indian Byrn. Thatís with a Ďyí mind you.
JESSE I liked that name. Why didnít we go back to that?
JESSE Oh yeah. Sorry Daria.
Jane walks over to Nick and puts an arm on his shoulder.
JANE Nick! Lover boy, howís college treating you?
JANE He gets his BA in BS this year.
ANGIE Wh- youíre in college?
BUFFY Uh! Old freak!
Buffy splashes her drink in Nickís face and they walk off.
JANE Ready for the gig?
NICK What gig?
JANE Well since youíre not here for the gigÖ (faux surprise) Why Nicky, are you crashing a high school party?
NICK Gah! Jane itís notÖ Okay kind of maybe.
TRENT Not cool Nick.
DARIA UmÖ ditto.
SCENE: KEVINíS AMAZING WINE TRICK (
We cut to the dining room table. Kevin is standing at the end with a wine bottle in his hands and many party goers cheering him on.
KEVIN Like this is how to remove a cork from a wine bottle with a string. Check it out! Like I got this from Britís basement. Her parents wonít miss it because itís old. I mean if it was good theyíd have drank it already.
BRITTANY Band aids Kevvy!
KEVIN Aw babe!
He fiddles with the top and yelps as it cuts him. He sucks
on his bleeding fingers then
KEVIN Now step three.
He pours half the wine into various cups on the table. We pull away and observe Daria watching this from the main living room. Jane has her back turned to Daria. Sheís watching the band bring in their rigs. Mad Season picks up on the stereo.
DARIA Take a look at this Jane.
Jane turns around to watch Kevin as well.
JANE Ah, quality entertainment.
Upchuck saunters by and salutes the girls.
UPCHUCK Luscious ladies.
We refocus on Kevin as he fumbles with the string.
KEVIN UmÖnow I will be assisted by my lovely assistant.
KEVIN Thanks babe!
He takes the string and dips it into the bottle.
DARIA Must be some tiny fish in that bottle.
JANE I wonder what proof they are.
Kevin shakes the bottle and struggles with the bottle.
KEVIN Come on!
JANE (yells) Pull up if you feel a tug!
He jerks it hard towards
She lets out a scream and runs from the room in a huff.
When he speaks he throws his arms wide and gets wine on a painting. Some people snicker, others go back to what they where doing.
KEVIN IímÖ redecorating.
We focus back on Daria and Jane as the band is about done setting up.
JANE (to the band) Please donít tell me youíre going to use that amp.
TRENT We need all the amps we can get. Donít worry.
JANE (to Daria) Jesse personally did some alterations to that amp so it goes to 11. Never† turn it up to 11.
DARIA Somehow Iíll fight the urges.
JANE I guess we can discuss payment whenever the ditz of the house comes back. Until thenÖ
She holds out her arm for Daria to take. Daria just gives her a look.
JANE Iím in the mood for something withÖ I donít know. Something with a lot of ingredients.
DARIA Like sour cream and salsa pork rinds?
JANE Letís just find a bowl of chips and some dip that hasnít been double dipped in.
JANE (smiles) I am a bad influence on you.
Evan approaches the girls. Evan is a tall, athletic raven haired Caucasian type.
The Devil Song comes on the stereo.
JANE I think heís spotted us. Be very still.
EVAN Slacker one, slacker two.
Jane gives Evan a friendly smile. Daria is not amused so she walks off.
JANE You had your chance!
EVAN What was that all about?
JANE Youíll never know.
EVAN And why not?
JANE Because you walked into the punch line. It kills the joke.
SCENE: FASHIONISTAS (TAYLOR EXTERIOR)
Lovefool is on the radio.
A loaded black 2005 Lincoln Navigator rolls to a stop in
front of the
LINDA Call me when youíre done Sandi.
SANDI Yeah mom whatever.
The Fashion Club hastily exits the SUV and it drives off.
TIFFANY Your mom is so smart Sandi.
STACY Stick shifts are so complicated!
SANDI Just remember tonight no one make any hooks ups.
QUINN Why not?
SANDI First major party of the year. Display only. That way next time theyíll be begging to spend even more on you.
QUINN No wonder youíre the President of the Fashion Club. That is so smart!
SANDI Thank you. Too bad Stacy is too busy admiring my mother to notice.
STACY Not true! Wait, what are we talking about again?
TIFFANY Taffy pulls.
SCENE: ÖBUT WE MIGHT CHANGE OUR NAME (
Microphone screech. The band is set
up in the den.
TRENT Hello. Weíre Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.
JESSE Hit it.
The band plays Ow! My Face!
Iím glad youíre happy watching my pain
Burning crop circles in my soulís waves of grain
We had no love scene but youíve cut to the chase
Choppiní off my nose to spite my face
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
In the middle of the chorus we watch Daria and Jamie watching the band.
JAMIE What is that?
DARIA The secret track off the latest Boys R Guys album.
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
The band plays out.
SANDI I know weíre not hooking up tonight but FYI Corey is mine.
STACY What about Skyler?
SANDI If you want Skyler you have no business being at this party.
STACY I didnít mean that Skyler Sandi! I meant you knowÖ the other one.
SANDI Skyler Feldman is the only Skyler at Lawndale Stacy.
QUINN Wasnít Skyler the one who blew you off today?
Sandi gives Quinn an evil glare.
SANDI I told him to dump my plate at lunch. Thatís different.
Brooke steps into the Fashion Club formation.
SANDI Brooke I love your nose.
BROOKE Thanks, Dr. Shar did it for me.
STACY Sheís the best!
The girls babble among themselves and remove themselves from the scene except for Quinn. Thatís because as Daria backs up from the crowd in the den she bumps into Quinn.
QUINN What are you doing here?!
DARIA Theyíve lowered standards and Iím popular now too.
DARIA Letís go hang out with your new friends. Weíll all have a gay old time.
QUINN (holds out some money) You donít know me. I donít know you.
DARIA We wouldnít be lying. No money just yet. Iíll let that build up interest.
JOEY (off screen) Quinn!
JAMIE We saved you a front row spot!
The three Jís enter the picture from the crowd at a staggered rate.
JOEY Hey, you where suppose to save the spot!
JEFFY That was your job!
JOEY No, it was my idea so it was your job!
JAMIE I was look out!
JOEY & JEFFY Your job!
QUINN (brushes Daria aside) Hey guys.
JOEY So itís you and me tonight.
He takes Quinnís arm. She snuggles up to him.
QUINN Oh Joey. Not tonight.
JEFFY Because sheís with me!
He takes her other arm.
QUINN Not really.
JAMIE Yes! (to Joey) Loser! (Jeffy) Loser!
QUINN (shakes her head) Sorry.
JAMIE But who?
QUINN Well, Iíll let all of you do your best tonight and Iíll let you know tomorrow.
They speak over each other in complete agreement.
DARIA Do you guys also sing in complete harmony? Or do you just suck up that way?
QUINN (thrusts more money at Daria) Um, person. Go get me a soda. From another house.
DARIA (takes the money) Have fun Gidget.
JOEY Who was that?
QUINN Oh nobody.
JAMIE I heard she was your cousin.
QUINN No! Sheís my. Oh cousin, of course! Distant.
SCENE: WHO LET THE BRAT OUT? (
Upstairs. Jane and Evan swagger up together. At the top there are several doors leading to the different rooms.
JANE Have I seen you around school before?
EVAN Probably not. A crowd of sycophants render me invisible to the naked eye. Or maybe you just werenít paying enough attention.
JANE I do my best to waste as few brain cells as possible at school.
EVAN Saving them up so you can blow Ďem all on some extracurricular activity or event?
JANE Like some lame cheerleaderís party? Nah.
EVAN Ditto. Iím only here because I live next door and wanted free munchies.
JANE At any rate youíre here. Iím here. Letís make the best of it.
EVAN That roofie I slipped in your drink is working like a charm.
JANE I didnít even have to take a sip.
They stop at a door near the end of the hall. Jane gently attempts to open it but itís stuck.
EVAN Allow me.
He pushes a bit harder and the door swings up.
JANE Someone put gum in the lock.
EVAN Savages in this-
BRIAN (unseen) Iím free!
JANE No more caffeine for me.
EVAN (exaggerated polite gesture) After you.
JANE Why thank you dear sir.
She enters and is followed by Evan. He shuts the door after them.
SCENE: LIGHT MY FIRE (
Downstairs. Mystik Spiral is between songs but the crowd remains. Daria is in front near Jesseís amp.
We quickly cut to Daria biting her lip.
MAX I thought we where getting paid for an informal jam session! No dedications man!
DARIA (murmurs) Settle down Daria.
JESSE I wanna do 53rd and 3rd.
The band gets into position to play.
NICK Hit it!
The band plays 53rd & 3rd.
Well you think you can?
Then come on man,
I was a green beret in
NICK & TRENT (singing)
No more of your fairy stories
ĎCause I got my own worries!
53rd & 3rd !
Standiní on the street!
53rd & 3rd !
Tryiní turn a trick!
53rd & 3rd !
Donít it make ya feel sick!?
As they move into overlapping guitar and drum solos from
Jesse & Max Brian Taylor runs in chased by
BRITTANY Get back here!
Brian giggles with glee and runs up to the nearest amp, Jesseís. He cranks it to 11 and runs. It spews sparks and a black cloud. Daria shields her face but sparks catch onto her leather jacket and smolder. One picks up and begins to burn on her arm.
JODIE Thatís for rescue breathing!
Daria whips the jacket off and stomps it out. At the same time Max trying to beat out a flame on the end of his drumstick. Finally Mack McKenzie runs in with a fire extinguisher and puts out the amp. Silence.
NOTE: While Daria is jacketless she is visibly a little jittery and slightly off the mark.
JESSE Next is the second set!
TRENT UmÖyeah. Weíll be back.
Daria picks up her jacket very gingerly. Mack, Jodie and Brittany go to Daria.
MACK Are you okay?
DARIA Nothing singed but my dignity. And my jacket.
DARIA Oh me. Iím with the band. Iím security.
BRITTANY But we already have security here!
We do a quick pan over to a fat, balding security guard doing Jello shots at the dining room table. A few bottles of alcohol are on the table.
DARIA WellÖ Iím here to remove undesirable types from the party. We know our own.
BRITTANY Like on that TV show?
DARIA Yes. Like on that TV show.
DARIA What show are we talking about again?
BRITTANY ButÖ Iím confused.
JODIE Hey Brit is your brother wearing a dress?
JODIE Personally I canít stand her and Iím her defacto confidant.
DARIA You didnít mention that on the tour.
JODIE I know. I hope the tour didnít give you the wrong image of me.
DARIA You mean I can choose my favorite?
JODIE I was trying to be nice Daria.
MACK Jodieís the most down to Earth girl at the school.
DARIA I bet she is.
JODIE I donít care for that tone. When youíre done being judgmental and condescending maybe then we can have an intellectual conversation.
Mack and Jodie leave. Daria swings around and cups her hands around her mouth to yell. Sheís aimed at Quinn who is a good 30 feet away with her clique.
DARIA (yells) Hey sis, I have vocal tone!
SANDI What is that girl doing?
QUINN What girl?
SANDI That one over there.
QUINN Who knows? Since when have brains ever made sense?
SANDI Sly. So Quinn, if Iím not mistaken I saw you with Joey, Jeffy and Jamiel-
QUINN Thatís Jeremy.
SANDY Whatever Jimmy. Thatís three hook ups in a night. I thought we agreed to no hook ups.
QUINN Those werenít hook ups Sandi! Thatís a dry run. All three of them are with me tonight and tomorrow Iíll tell them which one I dated so really itís not a date until tomorrow.
STACY Wow that is so smart Quinn!
TIFFANY I want to try that!
SANDI Well if Quinnís so smart why donít we just vote her into the presidency?
STACY Because we elected you president for life?
SANDI (smiles) Thatís right. Which means no dating tonight.
QUINN Wait, if youíre a president and you were elected doesnít that mean we get to vote on things?
SANDI That was deep. Very brain like Iíd say.
QUINN I didnít say anything brain like!
SANDI Maybe that girl over there yelling like a geek is a little less brainy than you. Maybe she would be interested in the Vice Presidency of the Fashion Club.
QUINN No she wouldnít! I mean, look at her. No volumizer which under rule 4-3 is grounds for immediate and permanent disqualification. Signed and notarized by Sandi Griffin, President.
STACY I remember that one!
TIFFANY Me too!
SANDI Fine! If you all want to try things Quinnís way then tonight we can.
The Fashion Club scatters. Sandi is left standing alone.
SCENE: PAWN IT! (
Frank Sinatra is on the Tankís radio.
Late night. The Tank is driving down a near empty street- the one we visited prior with alt.lawndale.com on it. About a block down and on the other side of the street is Randyís Rock Ní Pawn.
NICK Letís try that one!
Interior of Randyís Rock Ní Pawn: A typical cramped pawn shop with mounds of old videos, rifles and musical equipment. A bell rings when Max and Nick enter. Rock Ní Roll Randy is behind the counter.
RANDY Youíre musicians arenít you?
RANDY You smell like it.
NICK Thatís just our guitaristís cran-straw candles youíre smelling.
MAX (points at an amp) How much?
MAX (to Nick) Empty your pockets.
NICK They are empty.
MAX Itís no big. Weíre criminales man! Weíll improvise!
NICK Hells yeah!
RANDY You guys need some cash?
MAX Iíll trade you a bass guitar complete with player for that amp.
RANDY Thatís it?
MAX Iíd trade you The Tank.
We quickly pan over to the front window where we see the Tank.
RANDY On a generous day Iíd give you a microphone for that. Luckily for you Iím feeling damn generous tonight. I have a proposition for you.
NICK Whoa! Max, heís wearing a wire.
MAX Shut up Nick. (leans in closer to Randy) Weíre listening.
RANDY WellÖjust down the way is a coffee shop and I like cappuccino.
NICK But itís closed, we canít get you a cup.
RANDY (clears his throat) I donít want a cup.
NICK A mug?
Exterior: Nick and Max stroll out with renewed purpose.
NICK (yells) CRIMINALES!
MAX Shh! Keep it down! We donít know if thereís a cop around!
We focus on the glass window of alt.lawndale.com. Nick yells as he sends a brick through the window.
NICK (yells) CRIMINALES!
MAX Dumb ass.
Max, using a yellow rubber glove, opens the door and walks in. Nick hops through the broken window and helps Max swipe the giant cappuccino machine from the counter.
NICK Damn things heavier than your mom!
MAX Shut up! You donít know my mom!
We cut to the Tank flying down the road at top speed with the music blaring.
MAX (voice over) Ride the speed limit you dumb ass!
NICK But weíre criminales!
MAX Youíre my bitch if you donít shut up!
SCENE: FLOAT ON (
Float On plays on the stereo.
Daria (with her undamaged jacket on) is sitting Indian style in a corner near the stage reading Kafkaís The Metamorphosis. A shadow falls over her.
He holds out his hands.
DARIA No, Iím umÖ.
She takes his hand anyway and they dance.
TRENT You know I was going to dedicate that song to you earlier.
DARIA But we just met.
TRENT When Max and Nick get back want to join me on stage?
DARIA Gee, Iíve always wanted to do my rousing rendition of Sink the Bismark on stage.
DARIA Whatíd I do?
DARIA This is the real me.
TRENT Then who wants to hang with that?
DARIA I thought you did.
He laugh/coughs and Daria snaps awake. Sheís still sitting in the corner with a book in her hands. Monkey Wrench is on the stereo. She checks herself for a jacket.
DARIA (sighs) Could I have at least kept the jacket?
Daria doesnít look up.
DARIA ÖIíve been wearing that jacket since 6th grade. Now itís gone.
TRENT Sorry about the amp doing that.
DARIA Itís not your fault.
Moments after Monkey Wrench ends Float On begins.
DARIA (looks up) Thanks Trent.
SCENE: SO WE MEET AGAIN (
Float On dies out.
In the hallway. Daria, burned jacket in hand, is making a strategic exit from the den as Jane makes her way downstairs. She looks slightly disheveled.
JANE What have you been up to?
DARIA Looking for the ladies powder room.
JANE That guy you winked at mistook my head for a lollipop.
DARIA Gee, I feel bad.
JANE What happened to your jacket?
DARIA Some little nihilist.
JANE Too bad. It really tied the outfit together.
DARIA Trent offered me his jacket out of the Tank.
JANE The one with the odor? (laughs) Did he tell you-
DARIA No and I want to keep it that way.
In the background Mystik Spiral takes to the stage again and are setting up the new amp.
JANE Thatís not Jesseís.
DARIA Of course not. This amp is non-smoking.
JANE I leave for a few private minutes and the whole world falls apart.
DARIA Going to take a vow of celibacy now?
JANE Hell no!† Chaos and disorder are my dual goals in life.
DARIA I thought it was sleep and art.
JANE All four then. Iím a straight C student and math was never my strong suite.
We shift focus back to the band.
NICK (yells) CRIMINAL-
Max smacks Nick at the base of his neck with a drumstick.
The band plays Every Dog Has His Day.
You put me on a short leash
And threw away my hydrant!
You ate up all my kibble
Now my coats no longer vibrant!
SCENE: THE JACKET (
We transition to Daria & Jane outside at the Tank. We can still hear the band playing inside. Jane pops open the side door of the Tank.
The interior is straight up cargo van- thereís a cage with a door separating the cab from the cargo area. In the back is a whole lotta junk, an emergency light and a footlocker.
JANE Come on Daria.
DARIA Thatís okay, Iíll watch from here.
JANE Itís safe. Itís the Tank. Itís indestructible.
DARIA Iíll come in when my shots are all up to date.
JANE So be it.
Jane climbs in. Thereís a cat yowl and a dirty looking Siamese springs out past Jane then Daria.
Inside Jane tries to turn on the emergency light but it wonít stay on.
JANE Didnít know a cat could live off of stale jerkyÖuhÖ
Jane crawls out dragging a footlocker behind her. Daria takes a key out of her coat pocket.
JANE Before this momentous occasion are there any words youíd like to say?
DARIA Shut up.
She unlocks and opens the chest.
JANE Wow, itís incredible.
DARIA Thatís amazing. What are you talking about?
JANE I had no idea
DARIA Jesseís mom probably can.
JANE Nothing smells washed so Iím inclined to agree.
Jane looks at the open footlocker while Daria begins digging in.
JANE Why did I think this would be more interesting?
DARIA Not exactly exploring the wreck of the Titanic is it?
Daria digs through organized stacks of clothing and hands what she takes out to Jane.
DARIA Found it.
Daria pulls out a slightly too large green jacket with an overstated collar.
JANE Thatís where
Daria holds it out to Jane.
JANE Keep it, I havenít worn that thing since 6th grade anyway.
JANE Now I donít have to pay you that twenty bucks.
Daria gives Jane the glare.
JANE Kidding. You need to relax more.
Daria pulls on the coat and zips it up 2/3 of the way.
DARIA Iíll relax when Iím in
JANE Donít speak so soon. I see the
money train on the front porch. Youíll be in
We pan over as Daria and Jane go to Brittany who is standing on the porch.
JANE Brittany que pasa?
Jane spouts out some rapid fire Spanish. (or Cornholio-ese. Whichever is funnier)
BRITTANY Maybe I should call up the gardener.
JANE Not necessary. I was just going to ask you about the bandís payment for this gig.
JANE Iím here to collect the bandís money. We talked about this on the phone.
BRITTANY But I already paid the band. I gave the money to their manager.
JANE Iím the bandís manager.
DARIA Calm down Jane. You need to relax more.
JANE Someone ran off with your twenty bucks so stop the
joking please. (to
BRITTANY UmÖ letís see. He wasnít popularÖ
JANE Thanks for narrowing it down.
DARIA Itís what I get for following the crowd.
BRITTANY Red hairÖfrecklesÖ I know! Upchuck!
JANE Why did you think Upchuck was with us?
BRITTANY Heís unpopular, youíre unpopular.
Daria and Jane cross their arms.
BRITTANY Heís unpopular, youíre unpopular.
No rebuttal from Daria or Jane; just accusing stares.
DARIA Before you try to think go find adult supervision.
BRITTANY Then what should I do?
DARIA JustÖ keep twirling your hair around your little finger and practice that vacant stare.
BRITTANY Sorry about the money.
DARIA Letís go tell the band.
JANE No. They need this time together.
Daria and Jane walk away from
JANE That jacket really works for you.
DARIA Itís a bit big.
JANE Youíll grow into it. Or we can take you to Dr. Shar for human growth hormones and augmentation.
DARIA My glasses are as augmented as I get.
JANE We could go down there anyway just to see how far we can lead her on, strike up a deal then walk out.
DARIA Sounds like a real public service.
JANE Guess we canít do that then.
Now Kevin enters the picture. He and Evan trade unheard words.
They turn and watch as Mack gets in between the two. Evan hits him and it gets ugly.
SCENE: TRIPLE THREAT (
We focus on the band.
JESSE I donít think weíve ever practiced it before.
TRENT Cool. Freestyle.
†A man in a boonie hat
(DIRECTOR CAMEO: ME) walks up to
We cut to Quinn and the three Jís near the back edge of the room.
JEFFY Kevinís our boy!
JOEY Letís go!
The three Jís† rush from Quinn. Quinnís jaw drops. A moment later Jamie runs back to her.
JAMIE Can I borrow your camera phone?
We move to the band as they begin a new song with a quick paced rock beat.
Layiní rubber at the Pizza King!
In your ratty Satellite!
Eat no onion rings!
Must be Friday night!
Saturday night doesnít got a damn thing!
Sunday morniní bad dreams!
My head full of Night Train
Got NyQuil on the brain!
Product placement has killed everything!
Small town values donít mean a damn thing!
Success has killed everything!
Failure is my main dream!
Let the F word sing!
SCENE: ALTERCATION (
Now with about ten people in the fist fight it plays out to
the Spiralís song. More members of the track team and football team join in the
fight. Many gather on the lawn to watch. Daria and Jane are snacking on a bag
of popcorn next to the
JANE We should do this more regularly.
DARIA Next time Iíll let you borrow my dadís video camera and watch it later.
JANE Youíre not enjoying this?
DARIA On the whole Iíd rather be sleeping.
JANE Well said amiga.
Jane tosses the empty bag into the backseat of the
DARIA It looks like the neighbor is calling the cops.
JANE Between the fight on the lawn and the booze in the house we should probably get a move on. It wouldnít be good if you finished out a school night in jail.
DARIA On the other hand you wouldnít mind spending time in a place where everyone knows you name.
In the surrounding area we notice mass panic as people attempt not to get sucked into the fight and/or get in their cars and drive out.
JANE Weíve only known each other 18 hours and you already know me better than most. Am I that simple?
DARIA Iíd dare say 2 dimensional.
Jane slides over the hood and Daria lets herself in the car.
JANE Like a live action cartoon character Daria.
Jane starts the car. She pulls onto the driveway. Quinn runs out in front of them and gets caught in the headlights.
DARIA Dreams do come true.
Jane guns the engine. It freaks out Quinn. She runs to Dariaís window and shoves her head in.
QUINN Daria, you guys got to get me out of here! The neighbor called the cops!
DARIA But you look so good in stripes.
QUINN Iíll pay you!
DARIA No, we should teach her that money canít buy everything
Quinn whips out her credit card. Daria opens the door and scoots forward.
JANE For everything elseÖWe need to warn the band!
They hear sirens wailing.
QUINN No time!
They pull out of the
SCENE: NOTE (
The band is still on stage with a few guys hanging around. The same guy from before walks up and hands him a note then disappears.
He looks up from the note and sees several smiling cops in the room.
Nick tries to take off running but trips over an ampís power cable and lands fast first.
MAX (deep breath) I regret nothing. Nothing other than knowing Nick.
NICK Bite me dillweed!
JANE Nice place.
DARIA Not ours.
Daria gets out and waits for Quinn.
JANE Afraid to let your folks meet your new friend?
JANE Am I that embarrassing?
JANE See you tomorrow.
DARIA Count on it.
Daria shuts the door and Jane takes off. She and Quinn walk towards the house.
QUINN Well I guess thatís a step up from those boys in
DARIA And what would you know about Highland Quinelle?
QUINN Donít try any of that French on me.
DARIA Actually that was Finnish but I knew you wouldnít know the difference.
QUINN If you had you for a sister youíd deny you too.
DARIA Only for legal reasons. Now about my payment.
Daria holds out her hand. Quinn stops and folds her arms.
QUINN Iím not actually giving you my card Daria. Sitting in that Ėew- back seat was bad enough. That nasty scent and butteryÖ ew!
DARIA Give me the card or Iíll tell your clique youíre not French
QUINN Like theyíd believe that.
DARIA Youíre right. That was kind of weak. (pause) I have a better idea. Why donít I give the boys your new address?
QUINN You wouldnít!
DARIA Iíll let Beavis know youíre thinking of him. Itís past ten so I bet heís thinking of you.
QUINN You-you-!!!! Canít!
DARIA (smiles) Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Quinn takes out the card and throws it on the ground. Daria picks it up and keeps walking as Quinn stays in the same spot, arms crossed.
Right Place, Wrong Time gently plays up.
When standing at the front door Daria glances over her shoulder to where Quinn was but her sister is now nowhere in sight.† Daria opens the door and softly closes it behind her. Jake is on the sofa watching McLintock!† He twists around to see Daria.
JAKE Hey kiddo! Youíre home late. Where have you been?
DARIA The napalm dump.
JAKE They have one here too?
Daria gets halfway up the stairs before Helen yells at her.
HELEN (yelling angrily) Daria Anne Morgendorffer!
Her head and shoulders slump.
SCENE: INTERROGATION (MORGENDORFFER INTERIOR)
The kitchen. Daria sits at the table while her parents stand on either side.
HELEN Why have you broken curfew young lady?
JAKE She said something about a napalm dump before.
DARIA I didnít even know we had a curfew.
HELEN It was put, in no uncertain terms, on the family agreement you signed.
JAKE Yeah! What agreement?
HELEN I signed for you.
DARIA I was atÖ a party.
HELEN (disbelief, folds her arms) Uh-huh.
DARIA I didnít go on my own, I was with a band.
HELEN (sighs) I expected you to be a bit smug but in the end honest.
DARIA I was at a party! It was at some cheerleaderís house in Crewe Neck.
We quickly cut to the news. Itís on the TV in the living room in a direct line of sight from where Daria sits. We see footage of the fight at the party. A female news anchor is covering the story.
ANCHOR Back to you Abbey.
We go back to the debacle in the kitchen.
DARIA You want proof? Quinn was there too.
JAKE Donít try and drag your sister into this.
HELEN Jake, how many witnesses have you dealt with before?
JAKE Um, including that time in
HELEN That was an accessory. (lower) Never mention that again Jake.
DARIA Quinn is still out there. She hasnít come in yet.
JAKE No, she called back an hour ago saying she was on her way back.
DARIA Did you see her come in?
HELEN Fine, weíll humor you.
JAKE But only because youíre our daughter.
Helen glares at Jake.
We cut the upstairs of the home. The trio comes to Quinn door. Helen knocks. No answer.
HELEN (quietly) Quinn.
Daria folds her arms and smirks.
Helen opens the door. The room is dark. Daria flips on the light switch.
The room is pink in all ways. The walls are covered in teen idol posters and cute things. The floor is full of stuffed animals and cutesy knick knacks. In the center is an over-sized four post bed with Quinn in it. She looks a little groggy then gets out of bed and stretches. Sheís wearing a pink night gown.
QUINN Good morning mother and father. (smiles) Daria.
Dariaís face belies some anger but she keeps it to herself.
HELEN This is low Daria, I canít express how disappointed I am with you. First you break curfew then you lie to me. Broken curfew is punishable by a maximum penalty not to exceed14 days grounding. But since you just lied under oath-
DARIA I didnít take an oath.
HELEN It was on the agreement. Now since youíve lied to us Iím taking on an addition week of punishment. Itís late so weíll determine that tomorrow.
SCENE: CHARLES IN CHARGE (LHS INTERIOR)
A quick establishing shot of LHS.
Bee Stung Lips (intro only) plays us in.
We see Daria and Jane in the hall near Dariaís locker (150). Itís before class so numerous students are loitering about. Daria has on the green jacket, a burnt orange T-shirt and a black pleated skirt. Janeís changed her T-shirt to a different black one with a white V-neck.
JANE Trentís in jail with the band. I need to bail him out but donít have the cash.
DARIA Iím in a similar predicament. Iím grounded for coming home past curfew.
JANE They punished you for being home late?
DARIA Itís my own fault for not reading the fine print. The worst part is that I now have to join an after school activity.
JANE One of those? Okay, now youíre officially not cool enough to hang around me anymore.
DARIA Gee, now what am I going to do between classes?
JANE Hang around me anyway, now letís go find Chucky. Get a happy ending from last night.
DARIA Should I click my heels for luck?
JANE Whatever floats your boat.
We cut to Upchuck leaning over Andrea the Gothís locker.
UPCHUCK So Andrea, do you, as I, see past this meaningless existence, experience only the pain within?
ANDREA Do you know what rhinoplasty is?
UPCHUCK Would you care to enlighten my darkness?
ANDREA Keep bothering me and youíll need to know.
Andrea slams her locker and leaves the scene.
Suddenly Jane grabs him from behind and spins the bastard around.
UPCHUCK Ladies! No need to get frisky. Unless you want to.
JANE Where the Hell is our money?
UPCHUCK What are you talking about? (looks around) Either of you wearing a wire?
JANE My amiga is wearing size 6 Ĺ D combat boots-
DARIA Bates flight line boots. Get it straight Jane.
JANE Do you know what thatíll do to the contents of a size 32 pair of Hanes?
UPCHUCK H-How much money?
JANE The bandís gig money from last night.
UPCHUCK (laughs) Oh that money.
DARIA Neither does she.
JANE The gig money Upchuck, otherwise you can say hello to my little friendís steel toed friend.
UPCHUCK (smiles) You know what, on second thought, take your best shot.
He smiles and thrusts his crotch out at the girls. Jane looks at Daria who shrugs.
UPCHUCK I thought so. Besides-
He knocks on his crotch; we hear his knuckles hit the plastic cup.
DARIA Iím not sure if I should be impressed or reviled.
UPCHUCK Now ladies, I have a proposition (growls) that may be mutually beneficial to both parties.
DARIA Otherwise it wouldnít be mutually beneficial.
UPCHUCK I propose a trade. The money for someÖ (growl) Compromising Polaroids of either of you sweet flowers. Enticing but not fully arousing. But that makes it all the more arousing, does it not?
Daria kicks him hard between the legs. He feels it a little and bites his lip.
DARIA Pictures. Deal.
She turns and walks off at a quickened pace. Jane sprints to catch up.
JANE Youíre agreeing to him?!
DARIA He wants pictures. I can do pictures.
JANE Letís get you to the school nurse, you are obviously not well.
DARIA Do you know who I am?
JANE Daria Morgendorffer, new student at Lawndale High.
DARIA New student. I hate that
term, Ďnewí. Itís ephemeral. Whatís new becomes old. Whatís new here is old
JANE Iím listening.
DARIA In Highland I was a photographer for the school paper. If he wants to see a compromising image Iíll give it to him. It wonít be the first time.
JANE (smirks) Looks like the claws are popping out now.
DARIA Its principle Jane. I wonít be wronged. I wonít be insulted. I wonít be laid a hand on. I donít do these things to other people and God help them if they do it to me.
LI (on loudspeaker) Good morning Laaawndale High! Its five to eight which means all students should begin making their way to the auditorium for a special announcement. This announcement will concern all who learn here at Laaawndale High.
JANE Sheís going to take DNA samples, I just know it.
DARIA Better grab a hair net and some gloves.
JANE If only the cafeteria people would take that advice.
SCENE: BAD CASE (LAW OFFICES)
The Law Offices of Vitale, Davis,
Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter
The establishing shot: The offices are in an older, more upscale part of the
Interior, the office of Helen Morgendorffer: A large empty office built to accommodate Helen and Marianne her assistant.
Marianne sits at her desk typing, she has a worldís greatest mom coffee mug, and a picture of her and her son besides the keyboard.
Helen is trying to feng shui her degrees on the wall. She looks at the window behind her desk and to the walls.
MARIANNE Yes sir- maíam.
Helen sits behind her desk. It contains the computer, phone, a rolodex, in box, out box and a family picture about to fall of the edge.
HELEN Woman to woman, how does this look? I mean does it make me look authoritive, dare even powerful? I noticed there werenít manyÖ other female lawyers or paralegals so I donít want there to be any misperceptions as to where I stand in the pecking order.
Knock on Helenís door. Helen straightens up at the desk.
HELEN Come in.
Eric Schrecter, in business attire, strolls in. He has an attachť case under an arm.
ERIC Watch out, fox is in the henhouse.
Eric and Helen share a weak laugh. Marianne does a nervous one.
HELEN Oh Eric, what brings you by this morning?
ERIC Armani wingtips, but all joking aside I have a case for you if youíre up to it.
He sets the case on her desk.
ERIC The combination is
HELEN A bad luck case?
ERIC You up to it?
HELEN I told you the first time Eric.
She opens the case. Inside are office stationary, pens, a T-shirt, ball cap and a CD marked ďLegal DownloadsĒ.
ERIC (laughs) Itís your welcome aboard package!
HELEN Why thank you Eric; but I was hoping to get involved with the Crewe Neck party case. I heard that both High School track team members and football players are going to court and both sides have come to us for legal counseling.
ERIC Canít get any more win-win than that now can it?
He starts back to the door, says his next line then exits.
ERIC Relax Helen, something will shoot down the pipeline for you pretty soon. Iím sure of it.
Helen weakly laughs and rolls her eyes. She holds up the stationary and reads it. She appears annoyed and kind of pissed as she tosses it behind her. A close up on the stationary reveals that theyíve misspelled Morgendorffer with just one f.
SCENE: STUDENTS ASSEMBLE! (LHS AUDITORIUM)
The LHS auditorium. A cavernous blue room with a half circle of seats built around a stage, very much like a movie theatre.
Daria and Jane take seats as students pour in.
JANE I wonder if she polished her jackboots for this.
The room grows dark except for the stage lights. Ms. Li takes to the podium on stage.
LI I have bad news for Laaawndale High. Our beloved cybercafe, alt.lawndale.com has been vandalized!
DARIA Thatís one way to get your insuranceís worth.
LI The window has been desecrated and our real Italian cappuccino machine has been absconded with!
JANE Someoneís been saving up word of the days.
LI We will not stand for this!
DARIA Is this the point where she thrusts her hand out at a 45 degree angle?
LI There is a reward for whoever finds the culprits!
JANE Just one more reason to skip class.
DARIA Then how could you find the culprit?
JANE Damn; an incentive to stay in school till 4.
LI But in the meantime weíll pick up the pieces, clean up
the cafť and a fundraiser will begin immediately! I just want to thank
DARIA She canít do that.
JANE Volunteered, volun-told. Same difference. Iím in trouble with the school so I had it coming. I guess itís either this or playing Tour Guide Janie. Dammit.
DARIA Iím sorry.
JANE Youíre not sorry.
DARIA Okay, Iím mildly amused at your plight.
JANE Be that to. Youíre helping me.
DARIA Whatís my motivation again?
JANE If you donít do this youíll have to spend some quality time with Mr. OíNeill at the Itís Okay to Cry Corral.
DARIA Oh God.
JANE The pep squad has an opening. I bet Jodie can hook you up with-
DARIA All right Iím in.
LI On a related note, the school nurse will be coming around to take DNA samples.
SCENE: BAKED GOODS (
A suburban street similar to the one Daria lives on. We see the girls each holding a box of candy bars.
JANE I guess this gives us time to plot.
DARIA Youíre not helping.
Daria rings the doorbell on a stately looking home. A long moment of silence. Daria shrugs and the girls start back to the sidewalk. Stomping inside. The door swings up and a disturbingly obese woman, Mrs. Johansen wheezes at the door.
JOHANSEN Get back here you little turds! Ding, dong ditch my ass! (wheezes) Hey, them candy bars?
DARIA No. (pause) A moment please.
They turn their backs on Johansen.
DARIA I have a bad feeling about this.
JANE When donít you have a bad feeling about something?
DARIA When have I had a reason not to?
JANE Fine Iíll do it.
Jane turns back to Mrs. Johansen, but Johansen isnít around. The door is still open so they investigate.
Mrs. Johansenís living room is very large with everything proportioned for a woman of her size. Itís decorated in early old people.
Johansen sprawled out on her back.
JANE And me without my camera.
Daria looks at her.
DARIA Well I donít have a heart saver card if thatís what youíre suggesting.
JANE We should do something. Iím sure of it.
Daria steps in and grabs a phone from the end table.
DARIA (on the phone) Maíam, thereís a passed out woman on the floor. Is she breathing? I canít be sure until she stops jiggling.
JOHANSEN (wheezes) So you girls selling chocolate bars, cookies or what?
Cut to: Daria and Jane walking down the sidewalk.
JANE That was our cash cow and you blew it.
DARIA Iím not stopping you from going back.
JANE I know. I just felt like it was my turn to bitch.
DARIA Are we done yet?
JANE (checks her watch) Itís only .
DARIA Itís a good thing we donít have classes to attend.
JANE Youíre cranky when you miss that afternoon nap.
DARIA Keep pushing it.
They walk in silence for a few moments. Then Jane pulls a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.
DARIA World domination to do list?
JANE Better. (holds it up) A little something I picked up from my little pow-wow with Ms. Li this morning. Itís a page from student personnel file 9731993A: Morgendorffer, Daria.
She hands it to Daria.
JANE From what Jodie said and from observations made yesterday they paint you as a half glass empty type.
DARIA What I want to know is whoís been drinking out of my glass. (pause) Iím possible trouble on the horizon?
JANE I am a bad influence on you.
DARIA Think sheíll miss this?
Jane hands Daria a lighter.
JANE One way to find out.
Daria lights it and they watch it burn.
JANE Wanna ditch this door to door gig and go back to my place and watch TV?
DARIA You are a bad influence on me. Letís go.
SCENE: CONSPIRACY OF ONE (RANDYíS ROCK Ní PAWN)
Paranoid plays on the stereo.
Randy is sitting behind the counter of his pawn shop reading Muck Ní Rage magazine. A close up on the article reveals itís about Mystik Spiral.
RANDY (short laugh) Losers.
Ms. Li walks in wearing a rock skank disguise and big sunglasses. Randy closes the blinds. Three punk teens are in a far corner of the shop looking at guitars.
RANDY (to the kids) All right now, every one out!
Ms. Li hides behind the rotating magazine rack and buries her face in a magazine so she isnít seen when the kids have to pass her position.
RANDY Out or I call the cops on you shop lifting sons of bitches!
The grumbling kids file out. Randy goes to the door and locks it. He flips the sign to ĎCLOSEDí.† Ms. Li comes out of hiding.
LI Have you changed the serial numbers?
LI Where is it?
He holds out his hand. She hands him a diploma of graduation
RANDY At last. (to Li) Letís go, itís in the back.
Ms. Li runs off screen towards the back room.
RANDY Letís be quick, youíre cutting into my business.
SCENE: SCHOOL DAZE (LHS INTERIOR)
LHS Halls. Daria is at her locker putting things in her book bag. Upchuck brushes past her with a smile plastered on his face. No words need to be exchanged.†
Daria locks her locker and stands around.
DARIA Where the hell is Jane?
SCENE: JUST THE GOOD OLí BOYS (
Establishing shot: LPD headquarters is a single story police
station/jail/impound sprawl situated between the suburbs and the city proper.
In front of the station on display is a 1978 Dodge Saint Regis, plain white
with a gold star on the side. Beside it is a black and white 1974 Dodge
Inside: We see a congested office like space buzzing with activity. At a desk Ms. Li sits across from a rather lethargic police officer, Curtis Stelano. The brim of his hat is pulled down low so as to keep him and Li from making eye contact.
LI My- my schoolís coffee shop has been vandalized.
STELANO I am aware.
LI Are you doing anything about it?
STELANO No maíam.
LI And why not?
STELANO Because I work in admin.
LI (yells) That is no excuse!
STELANO Donít take that tone with me.
LI I am a school administrator! I can-
The cop looks up and they lock eyes.
STELANO You sent me to detention.
LI What?! Why I never-
STELANO Tommy Sherman was on the warpath after our tie with
Oak Wood. I pulled him offÖoffÖ (snaps his fingers)
He stands up with a malicious smile on his face. Ms. Li stammers and steps back. She whirls around and moves to another copís desk.
LI What are you doing about the coffee shop case?!
Our focus moves away from Ms. Li to
PURVIS Hope youíre haviní a good day Ms. Jane.
JANE The days I get to visit a relative in jail are always the best days officer Purvis.
PURIVS Ainít it true! Gyuck! Gyuck!
PURVIS No funny stuff. Iím watchiní ya.
JANE Scouts honor.† (to
The cop leaves the scene.
JANE You okay
NICK Told you!
JANE Sorry we couldnít warn you last night.
JANE All the same I hate seeing you like this. This is my fault. I thought we could get money for the bills and now I need to spend it on bail.
TRENT Itís okay. (pause) Youíre going to post the bail soon, right?
JANE Thatís the thing- Upchuck swiped the gig money.
JANE Exactly what he sounds like. Dammit. This has turned into some kind of bad Dukes of Hazzard episode.
MAX He-he. Dukes of Hazzard.
NICK Guess that makes me Cooter.
MAX (smacks Nick) Youíre not cool enough to be Cooter dingus.
JESSE Iím Cooter.
JANE Iím really sorry
TRENT Donít do that. It wasnít like we brought the alcohol to the party.
JANE No, I brought the adults.
TRENT You brought the band back together. Being in this cell has reminded us what the Spiral is all about.
JANE Bad food and squirt guns?
TRENT We got inspired in here. We wrote a bunch of lyrics.
JANE How do you plan to take Ďem with you?
We do a quick shot of the lyrics written on the walls.
Jane leans against the bars.
JANE I wish I could make this up to you.
TRENT Just get our gig money back. Then weíll be even.
JANE All right. Sans my usual ten percent.
JANE Iím feeling guilty today, so five. (looks around the cell) Shouldnít that rent-a-cop be here too?
TRENT His mom posted bail.
PURVIS Hey get away from them bars!
Jane steps away from the bars.
JANE (to Jesse) Did he make a shiv out of a playing card?
JESSE I got bored!
MAX Now we donít have a full deck!
TRENT It was five cards short when I bought it anyway. (to Jane) Is Curtis Stelano still out there?
TRENT He used to play bass with me and Jesse before we got Nick.
JANE You had a cop in the band?
TRENT Hey, if we had known then what he is now we wouldnít have let him jam.
JANE If you had known then what he is now and kept him we wouldnít be here right now.
JANE As long as it isnít mine.
She wipes at her eye.
TRENT Hey, arenít you supposed to be in school right now?
JANE Please donít rat me out to Ms. Li, I swear Iíll shape up.
JANE What are managers for?
As Jane leaves Nick yells after them.
NICK Save us Daisy!
MAX Stay out of the trunk!
Officer Purvis in is waiting by the door out of the holding area. Jane holds out a twenty to him.
JANE For pizza. You can keep the change.
PURVIS Are you trying to bribe me with quarters?
JANE (produces a second twenty) For all of your hard work and dedication have a pie on me.
Officer Purvis takes the money and chuckles.
Making Me Sick plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: IMMIGRANTS (LAW OFFICES)
The Law Offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter.
We start on the wall clock, the face is about to tick down to .
Helen has her briefcase organized and ready to go. Marianne treats the end of the day like itís only
HELEN Oh well, maybe tomorrow theyíll have something for me. Letís go Marianne.
Helen gets up to leave. As soon as she grabs the door knob thereís a knock. Helen opens the door and Eric is there.
ERIC Great news! I got you a case.
HELEN Really, thatís superb!
She lets him in. Artie trails behind him.
ARTIE Hi! Iím Artie!
Helen gingerly shakes his hand.
ERIC Mr. Arthur here, with a generous check from the television program Sick, Sad World wants to bring charges against Pizza King Enterprises of Lawndale, Terry Barry Barlow and Pizza Forest, Inc. for discrimination.
HELEN On what grounds?
ARTIE Those darn aliens!
ERIC Iíll leave you t your work.
Eric quickly leaves and shuts the door behind him.
HELEN Those places fired you and replaced you with foreign labor? Illegal or legal if you donít mind my asking.
ARTIE Illegal of course! They where never invited here! But they come anyway and took all that was dear to me.
HELEN Speaking as a person and not your lawyer I donít think itís ever too wise to get attached to a job, at least in a way that it becomes your personality. Even if you are the one in the guitar playing bear.
ARTIE (cries) It was a banjo! AndÖthe aliens! I was fired because of them! They took the skin right off my back! Now no one will keep me on, its discrimination against the abducted I tell you! Those aliens have left me unable to function in proper society and I want my comeuppance!
HELEN Ab- Wait. These aliens, do they travel by car, burro or moose?
ARTIE Well, it was a cone shaped craftÖ
Artie begins to ramble. Helen shakes her head.
HELE Marianne, put on some coffee, will you?
We pan over to Marianne, who is on the phone. She gives a thumb up to Helen.
MARIANNE (into the phone) Charles, donít stay out too late. Ten is still your curfew. (smiles) See you in the morning.
She hangs up and leaves the room to do the coffee.
ARTIE No coffee for me maíam. It makes my skin sweat and I canít sweat! (he quivers)
Booker-Loo plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: INCARCERATION (MORGENDORFFER INTERIOR)
QUINN My dateís here! Oh Daria, would you say thatís the new Vouge Reige sport sedan?
DARIA More like a Crown Vic Sport.
DARIA Enjoy your date.
QUINN I donít know if I should go now.
JAKE Wanna play Scrabble with me and Daria?
Daria smiles and goes back to pretending sheís reading the paper. Quinn runs out the front door.
DARIA And thus continues the reign of Quinn, Queen of the Littoral Daters.
Quinn and her date speed off in a silver 2005 Ford Crown
Victoria LX Sport, soon
DARIA Hey Dad, howís the Lexus?
JAKE The Lexus? Daria, that piece of crap in the driveway is not a Lexus. Iím not really sure what it is.
Daria pulls a small object from her coat pocket and holds it out to Jake. Itís the Lexus badge from the old car.
DARIA It could be a Lexus. Of course youíd have to let me out to make it one.
JAKE But you canít- Oh I get it. Sure Daria, go out and tack that bad boy on. Take as long as you need, Iíll call you when itís time to come in.
DARIA When Mom gets home?
Jake nods. Daria leaves through the front and Jake comes to the door behind her.
JAKE (loud) And think about what you did! This is part of your punishment and itís hurting me far more than it hurts you!
He slams the door behind Daria. She makes a beeline to the idling Trentmobile.
JANE What was that all about?
DARIA Donít ask. Got the glue gun?
Jane holds out the Stick-mata 5000.
JANE Stick-mata 5000. Finest adhesive delivery system on the market.
DARIA Letís get this over with and be gone. I want to be done with this by ten.
JANE So does Upchuck Iím willing to bet.
We watch the Trentmobile speed off. Inside- Jane hands Daria a brick style radio.
DARIA Made good use of that charge card I see.
JANE If only Quinnís limit matched
SCENE: THE RUTTHEIMER CONNECTION (
Daria and Jane in the Trentmobile at night. Theyíre driving through a residential neighborhood.
DARIA Howís the band doing?
JANE Well Jesse learned how to make his first shiv today and I have to say I was impressed. Max sends his regards and asks that we stay out of the trunk.
DARIA What was back there?
DARIA Why would he have plushies in
JANE Who would ever check for anything in here?
DARIA I believe you.
JANE You ever get tired of being smug?
DARIA Do you?
JANE Like Iíd give a straight answer to that.
DARIA Who the Hell is that?
JANE My nephew.
DARIA Um, Nomad 1.
COURTNEY (on the brick) Let me talk-
COURTNEY (on the brick) Jane!
Jane takes the brick from Daria.
JANE Settle down or I tell your mom where you are.
JANE (to Daria) Itís my own fault for letting them think weíre playing commando.
A ratty brown 1987 Volvo 780 cuts through the intersection in front of Daria and Jane.
JANE And it begins.
Jane cuts the headlights and trails Upchuck at a safe distance. Daria pulls a camera from the backseat and checks it for film.
JANE We should have brought a video camera to film this chase.
DARIA Incriminating evidence for later?
JANE So we can parlay it into a big budget actioner.
DARIA I wouldnít exactly compare what weíre doing to the French Connection.
JANE Popeye Doyle youíre not.
DARIA How do you know I donít like to wear womenís shoes? Donít answer that.
†They follow him out of he neighborhood and onto a main street ( 4 lanes, two in each direction).
JANE Oh sh- 1,2,3,4,5-
She slams her fist on the dash. The car starts up again but her high beams flash.
We cut to Upchuck in the Volvo; heís wearing Ray-Ban
Wayfarer sunglasses (Tom Cruise in Risky
Business). Bright high beams flash behind him. He looks into his rearview
and sees the
UPCHUCK His name is Ruttheimer, Charles Ruttheimer.
Upchuck stomps on the gas and the car speeds up.
JANE Donít start bitching just yet.
Jane speeds up slightly, cutting back into the residential neighborhood. She takes a few hard turns and makes a lot of noise doing it. Then the car starts making noises.
JANE Not again! Hear me baby hold together!
DARIA Well this is a fine tour of
She pounds on the dash twice and the car revives. She comes back out onto the main drag just as Upchuck rounds the corner before them.
Upchuck goes further out of town; the girls follow him through the suburbs and into the outskirts of town.
JANE I know where heís going. Why I havenít a clue.
DARIA Care to enlighten me.
JANE Loverís Lane. It overlooks the old quarry.
DARIA What would he be doingÖ never mind.
Jane puts on the radio to low. Clown plays. They follow him further out beyond the city, through a forest road. Finally they come to Loverís Lane; a paved break in the trees with several cars parked. Upchuck parks well beyond them, Daria and Jane turn on further down the road and pull off to the side.
DARIA Iíll go it alone.
JANE Iíll keep the car warm.
Jane reaches into the back and pulls out a pair of black fatigue pants and a Navy watch cap. Daria takes them and throws them on over what she already has on then takes the camera.
DARIA Thatís it. Iím coming with you to the Army-Navy next time.
JANE Just remember if youíre caught youíll be disavowed.
DARIA What else is new?
She shuts the door and disappears off into the woods.
A quick fade out and fade back into the car still sitting in the woods. Janeís got the seat back and a foot resting on the steering wheel. Pennyroyal Tea is playing. Daria opens the passenger side door. She tosses the fatigues and watch cap in the back seat before getting in herself.
JANE How was the hunting?
DARIA Better than the planned Ďembarrassing underwear shotí you proposed. Letís go, heís on the move.
Jane puts the car in gear and they turn back down the road theyíd come in on.
The Passenger plays on the radio and into the next scene.
SCENE: NIGHTLIFE (
The Trentmobile is traveling through the more city part of
DARIA My parents say I move like Iím 80 and the voices tell me I act 40 but all my documents† point to 16. Iím not sure which is right.
JANE We can discount the parents right off.
DARIA Thatís a given.
JANE Of the other two can you forge a voice?
DARIA Good call.
Crewe Neck (
DARIA Heís spending our money.
JANE Weíll put it on the tab.
Jane opens the door and gets out.
JANE Thereís only one way in.
Daria follows her out.
JANE Iím gonna call on Evan. Youíre going to trail Upchuck. Iíll give you three guesses where heís at.
DARIA Jane you shouldnít-
JANE Donít try and talk me out of it Daria. This is whatís called taking one for the team. (hands Daria the car keys) Just in case.
They walk up to the rent a cop coop. We watch distantly without hearing the exchange. The girls are allowed to pass. Time passes and we see Daria walk out. She waits in the car. She fiddles with the radio until she finds a station playing Spoonful. She pulls out her harmonica and quietly plays along.
Upchuck slinks out with a paranoid step. Daria ducks. He gets into his car and leaves. Daria pops back up and pulls out a book.
Jane returns to the vehicle, a little rumpled looking. Thereís a sock sticking out of her shorts pocket. Daria gets out of the car.
JANE It was horrible in there.
DARIA I can see. Is that sock yours?
JANE Rob Zombie movie bad.
DARIA Truly and utterly horrifying.
Jane takes shotgun, Daria stays standing.
DARIA I canít drive.
JANE Donít be intimidated by it Daria. It can sense your fear.
DARIA I donít have a license.
Jane gets out.
JANE Youíre the worst accomplice ever, you know that?
DARIA I find it hard to believe youíve ever suckered anyone else into being your accomplice.
JANE Not for as little as twenty bucks.
Plush plays us into the next scene.
SCENE: (LAW OFFICES)
The Law Offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter.
Helen is asleep with her head down on the desk. Marianne is also asleep at her desk but with a blanket over her and her head on a pillow. Artie is splayed out on the chair, head back and drool running to the floor.
Eric knocks. No one answers so he opens the door. Helen awakens and looks up. Eric is smiling and holding two coffee mugs. He sets one down in front of Helen.
ERIC Itís . Itís time to go to work.
SCENE: DISCLOSURE (LHS INTERIOR)
A quick establishing exterior shot of LHS.
Love Delicatessen (intro) plays.
LHS halls. Upchuck is propositioning Burn Out Girl by her locker.
UPCHUCK So, know any good places toÖ you know, whatever.
BOG Bite me.
UPCHUCK Offer once more luscious lady, I might take you up!
She leaves. Daria and Jane come upon Upchuck. Daria is holding a manila folder.
DARIA Do you have the money?
He holds out an envelope, showing them a glimpse of the cash.
JANE It better all be there.
UPCHUCK Would I lie to a lady?
DARIA Amongst other things.
UPCHUCK NowÖ the goods?
He steps over to his locker and opens it for some cover. Daria opens up the manila folder. She hands Upchuck a picture. He looks at it quizzically.
UPCHUCK Is this some kind of joke?
DARIA Itís my credentials as a photographer.
We see the picture Upchuck is looking at- Itís of Beavis & Butt-Head tied up in the trunk of a 1969 Plymouth Roadrunner. She hands him three more pictures. One shows Upchuck in his window being naughty; the other two are of him taking pictures of people at Loverís Lane.
DARIA I had to use the wide angle to get you,
UPCHUCK Sam Stack, Oakwoodís quarterback. Cute. Now whoís the voyeur?
Daria hands him another picture with no comment. Itís one of
Upchuck growls then looks around nervously. Daria and Jane smirk.
DARIA You asked for some compromising Polaroids, here they are.
UPCHUCK (plays it cool) So what? Iím peeping. Everyone knows I peep.
DARIA But does Kevin Thompson,
JANE Heíll probably let the entire varsity football team
UPCHUCK ItísÖare theseÖ
DARIA These are the only copies in our possession. Now our money Upchuck.
Upchuck hands Daria the envelope. Jane feels it in her hands.
JANE Feels light Charles.
Upchuck gives them the content of his wallet.
JANE Now for an additional fee we might be convinced to hand over the negatives.
UPCHUCK What do you want?
JANE Your car.
UPCHUCK The Love-mobile?!
DARIA Itíll be for the good of all mankind. Keys please.
Upchuck, trembling, removes the keys from his pocket and hands them to Daria.
JANE Weíll pick up the title after school. Good doing business with you.
UPCHUCK(smooth) WellÖ same to you
The girls walk off and speak again once out of Upchuckís hearing.
DARIA Good thing we already mailed those pictures to Kevin.
JANE Yeah, hey- Dammit Daria!
JANE You just tricked me into doing a public service!
DARIA But Upchuck might end up in a full body cast.
JANE (smiles) Thanks. For a moment there I wasnít sure if Iíd be able to live with myself.
The scene plays out with Love Delicatessen.
SCENE: INTO THE SUNSET (
JANE Hell of a day.
DARIA Wonít be sorry to see it end.
JANE The money I made selling Upchuckís car back to him is going to pay for a month of mortgage. Hopefully mom or dad will be home by then.
DARIA Too bad mine wonít go away like that.
They stop in front of Dariaís house, the ĎLexusí is in the driveway.
DARIA Since theyíre in want to come in and scare my parents?
JANE Iíd love to but I need to bail out
Jane starts to walk.
DARIA Where do you think youíre going?
JANE To get
DARIA (holds out her hand) My twenty dollars please.
JANE (forks over a twenty) Iím not going to screwing you. Since Iíve met you youíve gotten back at everyone whoís crossed you
DARIA Almost everyone. A problem Iíll soon rectify.
JANE You know this could be the beginning of something.
DARIA Or the end of the world.
JANE Damn. Just when it was getting good too.
We watch Jane continue down the street until sheís gone. Daria shuts the door behind her. The scene fades out.
SCENE: THE GRAND FINALE (
Morgendorffer doorstep. We are looking at the door. Twin shadows fall over the door and the doorbell rings. Jake answers it.
BUTT-HEAD (voice only) Uh-huh-huh. Is your daughter home? Uh-huh-huh.
BEAVIS (voice only) Yeah! He-he-m-he-he. Like, waitíll she gets a load of me. He-he.
JAKE (yelling up the stairs) Quinn, your dates are here!
BUTT-HEAD (voice only) Uh-huh-huh. Load.
BEAVIS (voice only) He-he. Can we watch your TV?
Sink the Bismark plays over the credits.
After the credits end we get to see an alternate ending.
A sterile hospital room. Daria is strapped into the bed with tubes running into her. Two doctors in white coats are looking her over.
DR. DAVIDSON Whatís the deal here?
DR. PHILLIPS She was in a car crash awhile back. Hasnít been right since. She started following around (looks
at his clipboard)
DR. DAVIDSON There is no Jane?
DR. PHILLIPS Exactly. She passed out on the sidewalk in front of her house one day. Been here ever since.
DR. DAVIDSON Have you considered moving her?
DR. PHILLIPS If only so I could fool around with some of the more beautiful comatose patients.
DR. DAVIDSON Superb!
They high five each other and we fade to black.
Original Prankster plays us out.
DARIA (murmurs) I believe the line is ĎHe. He. Mmm. He. He.í
BEAVIS UhÖ (singing) Stewartís mom has got it goiní on! Daria canít you see youíre just not the chick for me. Iím in love with Stewartís mom.
Laughter. Fade to black for the last time.
This motion picture was filmed live on location in
© 2005 Napalm Krigbaum. Daria, Beavis & Butt-Head and all related characters and properties are pimped by MTV who in turn is a dirty whore for Viacom.
TRAILER FOR DARIA II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
Dariaís room. We watch Daria and Jane watch Celebrity Deathmatch.
JOHNNY (On TV) Iím Johnny Gomez!
NICK (on TV) And Iím Nick Diamond!
They fade into background noise as the girls talk among themselves.
DARIA Too bad MTV never made this into a movie.
JANE It seems like they never make movies from good shows. Itís always something like Joeís Apartment.
DARIA Or the road flick with those two morons.
JANE Or the one about that girl with glasses.
DARIA Is she the one who developed an annoying Holden Caulfield complex in the last season?
JANE Holden CaulfieldÖ Dostoyevsky; Crime & Punishment right?
Daria shakes her head.
COMING SOON. OR LATER. BETTER YET LETíS JUST LEAVE IT LOOSE.
Originally this entire script was written in chronological order with the exception of ďJust the Good Olí BoysĒ, and the Law Office scenes. Those were written after I finished the story to fill in the Ďdead airí between and around the two nights. (NOTE: I hate dead air.) Originally ďSchool DazedĒ had a bland three line exchange between Daria and Upchuck. It was removed and turned into the lead in for ďJust the Good Olí BoysĒ now read here. The other three scenes where meant to explain Helenís absence in a bit more detail and to introduce Artie.
Later there was a rearrangement of scenes so all car scenes near the end where one continuous night as opposed to two separate ones.
While written as a Ďlive actioní script I did not have any real life actors in mind as I wrote this story. Just real life interpretations running through my mind as I wrote stuff.
I tried to keep the characters as Ďin characterí as possible but honestly with Jane I often had Bill Murray reciting her lines in my head (unintentionally) and to a lesser extent, John Belushi.
I think Zooey Deschanel (Elf, Hitchhikerís Guide) might be a good Daria, Iíve thought so since I saw her in Big Trouble. (But at 5í6Ē she might be too tall for the part.)
Also Nick Cannon (Drum Line) as Max. It could be cool.
Jane did all her own stunt work.
Of the two girls Daria is still my favorite.
Are you really still reading this?
Thanks for your time.