“Daria Disenfranchised”
Written & Directed By:
Napalm Krigbaum
SCENE: LEAVING
Black.
The scene is twanged in with White Trash. (intro)
We open on the suburbs at the end of summer. The streets are composed of single story homes, wooden fences and lawns that range from green to brown and mud. The pickup truck to car ratio is 2:1.
A moving truck is parked behind an onyx blue 2005 Lexus LS430 sedan (with dealership tags still) in front of the Morgendorffer home, which now sports a FOR SALE sign. In the foreground Daria Morgendorffer* is standing behind the Lexus, Stewart Stevenson and Mrs. Stevenson (CAMEO: TRACY GRANDSTAFF) stand before her. In the background Mr. Stevenson, Jake and Helen Morgendorffer (dressed appropriately for the season) are moving boxes into the car. Quinn Morgendorffer is directing her parents but is inaudible. Occasionally Jake is heard groaning, moaning and swearing.
*Outfit one: black leather jacket, black pleated skirt and white T-shirt
Mrs. Stevenson hands Daria a bowl of cookies.
MRS. STEVENSON It’s sad to see you go Daria but I hope you enjoy… where was it you where going again?
DARIA Far, far away.
MRS. STEVENSON (chuckles) Oh Daria you’re so funny!
STEWART Yeah, we’ll miss you!
DARIA Um, thanks.
Stewart takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and holds it out to Daria.
Mrs. Stevenson goes to help Helen move stuff into the car.
STEWART Keep in touch?
BUTT-HEAD (off screen) Uh-huh. Touch.
BEAVIS (off screen) Like they’re gonna do it.
We now see the two young dullards behind Daria, Beavis and Butt-Head.
BUTT-HEAD Huh-huh. Stewart’s girl friend is leaving him.
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he. Like, where ya
goin’?
DARIA Tell them Stewart.
STEWART (smiles) Far, far away.
DARIA (hands him a cookie) Good Stewart.
BUTT-HEAD Like, why?
DARIA Because the moving truck came.
BEAVIS But like…um…ow! Thinking hurts.
BUTT-HEAD Don’t put Diarrhea out of a job.
BEAVIS Yeah, then she’d like have to leave.
DARIA And seek much more meaningful employment elsewhere.
BUTT-HEAD Uh-huh-huh…Uh…What?
BEAVIS He-he-m-he-he, yeah. That was complicated.
DARIA Highland sucks.
BEAVIS Oh yeah.
STEWART Yeah!
BUTT-HEAD Um…okay. So like, have
you seen our TV?
BEAVIS It’s missing.
DARIA My condolences.
JAKE Time to go kiddo!
DARIA I bid you, now and forever more, adieu.
BUTT-HEAD She said ‘doo’.
They both laugh uncontrollably.
STEWART Bye Daria.
He holds his hands out for a hug.
DARIA Bye Stewart.
She shoves a cookie into his mouth and goes to the Lexus. Momentarily she turns back to the boys and tosses them her pendant. Butt-Head catches it.
BUTT-HEAD Cool.
BEAVIS Let’s break it!
The Lexus speeds off with the moving truck behind them. The boys watch and chant “Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha”! We watch the two vehicles zip by a dilapidated green sign:
NOW LEAVING
HAPPY TRAILS Y’ALL!
Fade out.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: Are You Going To Be My Girl?
We see Daria’s green Mead notebook. Her hands enter the picture and open it. She takes a pencil and writes the credits:
BCM-7 PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
Flip of the page. She writes again:
DARIA DISENFRANCHISED
She under lines it then flips the page and writes down the credits, this is occasionally punctuated with little crude doodles of various characters and Jane’s sketches getting shoved into the book.
Jake and Helen as an Egyptian queen and her bowing servant
Quinn working at a gas station
Jane riding a large missile like in Dr. Strangelove
Ms. Li in jackboots and giving a Nazi salute
The Fashion Club as sharks
Mystik Spiral as KISS
Daria and Trent on a Gone with the Wind poster
Daria dead asleep at her desk, her head resting on the note book
SCENE: WELCOME TO
Are You Going To Be My Girl? Fades out as the radio starts in gradually. Welcome to the Jungle plays behind Bing’s monologue.
BING (on the radio) Hey! Hey!
The Lexus passes through green forests and the outer limits
of
BING (on the radio) The first person to guess the Spatula Man’s weight gets a ZEE 93 bumper sticker courtesy of Bing and the Spatula Man! We’re comin’ at ya live from the old Lawndale Flea Market…
Helen turns the radio down a little as Short Skirt, Long Jacket comes on.
HELEN (turns to her daughters) We’re here girls!
DARIA But do we want to be?
HELEN Don’t start Daria. (glances
at the sleeping Quinn) I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you since before
we left.
DARIA Should I have scheduled an appointment?
HELEN (automatically) Yes! (shakes it off) No! Daria. We’re in a new town and you have a blank slate.
DARIA It’s the same slate I had in the old town.
HELEN You don’t have to be… who you
where in
JAKE (to no one) A Wal-Mart, neat!
DARIA I’ve come to that conclusion also. I’m going to make people pay for my useless information from now on instead of doling it out for free.
HELEN What I mean is you can fit in here!
DARIA (looks up from her book) I know I didn’t fit in when we where in
HELEN With an attitude like that of course you’ll have the
same problems here as you did in
DARIA Whether its
Helen sighs deeply and shakes her head.
JAKE It looks like the new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!
DARIA Hey, disco pants and haircuts.
JAKE Where?!
HELEN Just stop cutting people off so quickly, okay?
DARIA Slow down, gotcha.
HELEN When someone talks to you, for example when your mother tries to have a meaningful conversation with her daughter, play your strengths- show them your intelligence and your sparkling wit instead of just shutting them down.
DARIA (deadpan) Give people a chance.
HELEN Don’t say it like that.
DARIA Give people a chance.
HELEN Are you even trying?
DARIA I thought you wanted me to play my strengths?
HELEN Why do I even bother?
JAKE Helen, look, a Taco Bell!
HELEN (to Jake while Daria begins to talk) Quiet Jake!
DARIA Because you’re a loving mother, doting wife and
giving provider. You care deeply about your daughters and their well being.
HELEN Where you being sincere or sarcastic?
DARIA (goes back to reading) For a lawyer you won’t
let me have a lot of grey areas.
Quinn wakes up.
QUINN Are we there yet?
HELEN Yes. Quinn I expect you to help your sister adjust to
QUINN I thought sarcasm was Daria’s thing mom.
DARIA Wow, that’s the most intelligent thing to come out of your mouth all
trip. Well except for that burger you power chucked at the Casey Jones museum.
QUINN (looking around) Where’s the mall? Is there a mall here? If not can we move again?
JAKE Haven’t seen one yet sweetie.
DARIA Me neither, but I have seen a lot of sewing supply stores.
QUINN (distressed) Sewing?!
HELEN (angry) Daria be quiet! Quinn calm down! Jake hurry up, the speed limit is 35 and you’re barely pushing 33. For once hurry the hell up!
JAKE But you’re always telling me-
HELEN (angry) Oh why do I bother let me handle this! Pull over now!
She grabs the wheel from Jake, he turns too hard. They swerve towards a strip mall parking lot but overshoot it and slam into a tree. Inside air bags have deployed and everyone is visibly shaken.
JAKE I didn’t do it!
HELEN Girls?
DARIA I’m still a tax break.
QUINN (horrified) Uhh! Ahh!
Daria and Helen look. We see Quinn has gotten nail polish all over her shirt.
Then the ground gives out in front of the Lexus and they roll over into a
drainage ditch.
QUINN What’s that smell?!
DARIA Teen spirit.
HELEN Stop joking Daria!
DARIA I’m playing my strengths.
Then the tree Jake hit falls onto the Lexus.
QUINN (voice-over) Can we go home now?
Helen sighs.
SCENE:
On the front lawn of 1111 is a grey suited lawyer carrying flowers, Eric Shrecter. He watches a blue 1995 Ford Taurus (with dealership markings) pulls up to the house. Jake* gets out of the passenger side and offers his hand to Eric.
* Jake is wearing a white short sleeved shirt button up shirt and black slacks.
JAKE Hi! Jake-
ERIC I’m sorry but no.
JAKE Huh?
Daria and Quinn get out of the car.
ERIC I’m not converting so you can get back into your clown car and leave. Why didn’t you guys stick with bikes?
Helen gets out of the car.
ERIC (looking at Helen) Oh, you’re Helen Morgendorffer. (looks at Jake) You didn’t mention…
Awkwardly he hands the flowers to Daria and pats her on the head.
ERIC Helen! Eric Shrecter, cousin Dewayne has told me so much about you!
He and Helen meet, shake hands.
ERIC Good grip!
HELEN Oh, why thank you Eric.
ERIC I can tell you’ll be an asset to the team already.
HELEN You’re too kind.
ERIC I know, but hey, I’m your boss, it’s my prerogative.
Jake is standing dumbfounded and a little unsure, as he has been since Eric greeted Helen.
JAKE Hi?
DARIA Don’t bother Dad. You didn’t know the secret
handshake and now he’ll never talk to you again.
JAKE There’s a handshake?
ERIC (turns to
the family) Hey, good to meet all of you. Jack, Dara,
Quinn, welcome to
For the scene end the family forms up in front of the house beside the FOR SALE- SOLD sign. There’s the click of a camera. Moments later this now framed image is hung up near the stairs besides Daria and Quinn’s baby picture.
(continues seamlessly into next scene)
SCENE: MOVING IN (MORGENDORFFER HOME INTERIOR)
We are inside the Morgendorffer home. Jake is beaming at the picture he just put up. Daria stands beside him.
JAKE Its official, the Morgendorffers are here to stay!
DARIA Unless we’re re-zoned.
JAKE Come on Daria, Mom and Quinn love it here already. What’s got you down?
DARIA Dad, Quinn’s been hiding in the Cashman’s since Tuesday and I think Mom has a sleeping bag under her desk at work.
JAKE (puts his arm around Daria) More room for us kiddo!
DARIA (slips out from under Jake) Speaking of which I think I’ll be heading back to mine.
JAKE (sighs) All right then, guess I’ll just stand here alone and dejected.
DARIA Don’t stand too long Dad. (taps her knee) It’s bad for your knees.
Daria leaves her father’s side and walks up the stairs.
JAKE Dammit! Stupid reverse psycho-babble crappy crap!
Daria is at the top of the stairs. (Jake is heard in the background)
DARIA (under her breathe) I am a rock. I am an island.
She disappears from view.
SCENE: THE SANCTUARY SANCTORUM (DARIA’S INTERIOR)
Daria’s bedroom: The bed is in place as is a broken TV, padded walls and barred windows. All of her stuff is still in boxes except for her skeleton on a stand. A Mac computer sits on the floor besides an unassembled desk. Daria lays down on her bed. She reaches over the side and pulls a CD player from underneath it and hits play.
Messin’ With The Kid plays on her CD player at an appropriate noise level. She produces a harmonica from within her leather jacket, looks at it then sets it down and goes to staring at the ceiling.
DARIA Slacker’s log volume 2 entry 3:
Helen enters the room. She has a clipboard in her hands.
DARIA -Remember to close and deadbolt door every time. On a related note- ask father to buy me a deadbolt.
HELEN I’ll need you to sign this Daria.
DARIA Giving me to medical science already?
HELEN It’s a family agreement. It lays down the ground rules for living under this roof.
She hands it to Daria who signs at the bottom of the clipboard.
DARIA Is that including the garage?
She hands back the clipboard. At the same time Jake enters the room behind Helen.
HELEN Yes. Now we’re going to go to Chez Pierre.
DARIA Have fun.
HELEN You’re coming with us. That’s not an option.
JAKE Yeah!
He trips on the skeleton stand, he and the skeleton fall. He smashes the hydrocephalic skull replica through the monitor of Daria’s computer.
DARIA Dammit, now you owe me dinner. (gets off the bed) Let’s get this over with.
She walks out of the room. Jake has since picked himself up. Helen shakes her head then leaves the room. Jake then lies down on Daria’s bed and stares at the ceiling.
JAKE Wow, that’s a lot of cracks!
HELEN (off screen) Get your ass down here Jake!
Jake leaves. We pull in tightly on the LED clock besides the
bed. It’s
SCENE: GREEN ONIONS (DARIA’S INTERIOR)
Green Onions plays throughout this scene.
The clock changes to
-Getting up
- Grabbing a maroon skirt and white T-shirt from the closet
-Showering, brushing her teeth, aiming a blow dryer at her head and letting it go full blast
-lacing up boots and getting up (Clerks homage)
-Dressed and procrastinating with Feng Shui (swapping around the heart and cheese wedge in the room)
-She grabs her black leather jacket off the back of her chair and book bag then heads out
She walks quietly downstairs. Jake is sleeping on the couch. She sneaks passed him and into the kitchen. Quinn has left a note on the fridge-
Caught a ride with Stacy!
-Quinn
Daria opens the pantry and grabs a pop tart. The wrapper makes noise in her hands; she steals a look at her sleeping father and puts the pop tart back. She proceeds to down a quarter of a bear of honey. She puts it back then sneaks around to the front door. Right as she grabs the door knob Jake gets up and looks at her.
JAKE (smiling) Hey Daria! Ready for school?!
Daria makes a small groan. The song ends.
SCENE:
Insane in the Membrane
plays.
LHS is a uniformly red brick vast multi story high school complex. Jake drops off Daria in front of the school near a large congregation of students.
JAKE Have fun kiddo!
She looks around and is unimpressed with what she sees.
DARIA Define ‘fun’.
She starts walking through the crowd and makes assessments.
DARIA Beavis, Butt-Head, Beavis, Beavis, Earl, Tanqueray, Lolita… two Cassandra’s and a Stewart. No
PATSIES, a plus… Quinn. In quadruple helpings, damn.
We pan over slightly to where Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are talking.
STACY This is Quinn, we met at Chez Pierre last night.
SANDI I’ve never met a Quinn before.
STACY Quinn’s from
TIFFANY Really?
QUINN Well I did live near
DARIA -
QUINN And that’s my cousin, we
picked her up at
SANDI Hmph. (turns up her nose at Daria)
DARIA You all have a fine day.*
*When Daria says ‘you all’ the ‘all’ is quickly forced. It’s what happens when years are spent around people who say y’all and saying it yourself.
Daria leaves them and we stay focused on Quinn’s group.
STACY (giggles) Did you guys hear the way she pronounced ‘you all’?
SANDI Hillbillies.
QUINN Uh, yeah. So Stacy was telling me all about this club you guys have.
SANDI The Fashion Club.
QUINN How do I apply?
SANDI Well you’ve already passed the first test. If someone has to ask what the Fashion Club does then obviously they’re not qualified to join. Now-
Sandi makes a spinning motion with her hand. Quinn turns around 360 degrees.
SANDI Application approved. I’m president, Stacy is our secretary and Tiffany is the coordinating officer.
QUINN What do I get to be?
SANDI I like your style so I move to make Quinn Morgendorffer vice president of the Fashion Club.
TIFFANY I second.
SANDI Then that’s final. Quinn, with the powers vested in me I appoint you Vice President of the Fashion Club.
STACY Oh goody!
Stacy takes the ‘Fashion Club charter’, a pink Mead (product placement) notebook from her bunny book bag. She writes in it then hands it to Quinn.
QUINN There’s two ‘F’s’ in Morgendorffer.
STACY Sorry.
SCENE: TOUR GUIDE JODIE (LHS INTERIOR)
By The Way (intro) plays.
The ochre halls of LHS. The walls are dotted with rows of half lockers, two high. School spirit posters abound, many of them denoting it’s the start of a new school year or that fall is in bloom. In the center of the hall Daria is in a group of new students. In front of them is Jodie Landon.
JODIE My name is Jodie Landon and I want to welcome every
new student to
DARIA (murmurs) I am not a crook.
JODIE Any questions for me?
DARIA Can you validate parking?
Jodie goes directly in front of Daria.
JODIE Please don’t tell me you’re going to be a nuisance Ms. Morgendorffer.
Daria gives her an innocent, blank stare.
Man (Opposable Thumb) plays into the next scene.
SCENE: 7474505B (Ms. LI’S OFFICE)
Ms. Li’s office. Tightly organized the room is an ode to its proprietor. We focus in quickly on various items around the room: A World’s Greatest Disciplinarian award, a jade Buddha, a polygraph machine, a Most Wanted bulletin board adorned with mug shots of students (including Lane, J.), a framed picture of her in her ballerina days.
A hand drums on the desk. ‘JANE’ is written across the right hand knuckles.
LI (voice over) Stop that
We then focus on Ms. Li in her seat of power.
She is looking at a manila folder then she sets it down. On it is written: LANE, JANE STUDENT ID 7474505B
LI I’ve been dreading this day.
We pan over to
JANE If you like I can tip over the Ultra Cola machine. You can suspend me again, you’ll laugh, I’ll laugh. Good times for all.
JANE I’m Dada in the flesh. What do I have to prove?
LI That you won’t be spending your senior year at Juvie?
JANE (straightens up) I can assure you that I won’t miss a minute of school in juvenile hall.
LI That’s good to hear
JANE Hey, your sub-sub contractor gave me $500 and no questions asked. I painted my heart out-
LI And all over the gym walls! I did not authorize graffiti!
JANE It was art!
LI It got you suspended, on the clean up crew, three weeks of crossing guard duty in which you where caught being a destructive influence on minors!
JANE So I used an unauthorized hand signal on Tommy Sherman. He was driving way too fast around those kids!
JANE I concede. (holds up her hands) Just not the hands okay?
LI Jodie Landon is giving tours of the school and working with the new students. I want you to assist her.
Jane groans a little and gets up.
LI 1200 students learn here but you monopolize my time more than 1183 of them.
JANE See you next Wednesday.
SCENE: BELLY OF THE BEAST (LHS INTERIOR)
LHS halls. Jodie is guiding the tour group.
JODIE Since it’s everyone’s first day-
Jane comes in from a side hall and takes her place beside Jodie.
JANE Welcome to Laaaaawndale High where nothing matters and neither do you!
JODIE What do you think you’re doing?
JANE Ms. Li told me to take over the tour from here; you can
go back to practicing your winning smile and your valedictorian acceptance
speech. (to the tour group) I’m
JODIE You’re a nuisance.
JANE I’m offended.
JODIE You’re offensive. (to the tour group)
DARIA Will this color be issued or will I have to buy it at the student store?
JODIE Real funny. (to the group) Tour dismissed. Again, welcome to Lawndale High!
Jodie introduces Jane to Daria.
JANE Morgendorffer; one ‘F’ or two?
JODIE According to her records, none, straight A’s.
DARIA How the hell did you see my record?
JANE It’s a police state and she’s a member of the Waffen SS.
DARIA Where does she hide the gun?
JODIE I like to know who my competition is in the battle for valedictorian.
DARIA I’m a conscientious objector so count me out.
JANE This is
DARIA What about a body bag?
JODIE It seems I’m no longer needed here.
Jodie leaves the scene.
DARIA (to Jane) Is it always that easy?
JANE Yeah, but it’s not usually that fun.
DARIA So this is what fun is.
JANE Welcome to
SCENE: BREAK (LHS GYM)
You’re Standing on My Neck (Commercial break cut) plays.
Two teams of girls are playing volleyball. All of them wear blue LHS shirts and gold shorts. Daria stands firmly and without interest near the back. The ball gently sails past her. Everyone gives her the evil eye; she laconically moves a hand to intercept.
SCENE: CLASS ASSOCIATIONS (MR. O’NEILL’S CLASSROOM)
Forgot About Dre (intro) plays.
Mr. O’Neill’s class; a basic classroom with a whiteboard and
walls covered in motivational posters. Mr. O’Neill is front and center in the
room. Daria sits between Upchuck and
ONEILL Good morning class! Before we start this morning I want to ask if
anyone is interested in helping with my after school program, the It’s Okay to
Cry Corral!
Silence.
ONEILL Anyone? No.
He sniffles and carries on.
ONEILL Let’s start the day off right by introducing a valued addition to our English class. Let’s all give a big Lawndale High welcome to Daria Mogenfoffer!
Someone snickers at the name.
DARIA Its Morgendorffer.
More snickering.
ONEILL I heard you transferred here from
More snickering. It continues in the background as O’Neill keeps talking.
ONEILL I bet
DARIA Thank you, you’ve done plenty for me already Mr. O’Neill.
ONEILL Thanks, I try. Is there anything you’d like to say?
DARIA Nothing I can express in front of witnesses.
ONEILL Well don’t keep anything bottle up okay?
Daria doesn’t reply.
ONEILL Class I was thinking we could take our study of medieval literature to an exciting new place!
DARIA Jolly old
ONEILL Yes and no Daria! Yesterday I asked you all to read The Canterbury Tales alone and to yourselves but then I realized these tales can be kind of tricky to read. So I was thinking, why not pair up everyone with the student beside them and let them read it to each other? Play roles, embrace characters, between two people figure out how to pronounce some of these words and with the combined intellect of the two come to truly understand what these stories are about!
DARIA Two wrongs equal a right. Dialectic. Hegel would be so proud.
Bridge: Kick Out The Jams (intro)
We pan through the class, students trying to recite lines back and forth to each other but mostly just giving strange looks and laughing. We focus in on Daria and Brittany.
DARIA (deadest pan) I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. La-la-la-la-la.
DARIA What are you reading?
BRITTANY Oh, I thought you where on the wrong chapter. (sheepish grin) I didn’t want to embarrass you.
DARIA I’m touched.
Upchuck, the student behind Daria, leans over her way. An ancient copy of Ian Fleming’s Thrilling Cities in hand. Andrea the Goth Chick, his partner, keeps reading on her own.
UPCHUCK Did I hear my ninth favorite word? Eighth if you count ‘bare’ and ‘ass’ as one.
DARIA (on reflex) Settle down Beavis- who ever you are.
UPCHUCK Charles Ruttheimer the Third, at your service.
DARIA He certainly lives up to that name.
UPCHUCK The important thing is that you speak of me and remember.
DARIA To pack mace.
UPCHUCK Exciting! Rowr!
Suddenly Mr. DeMartino bursts into the room.
ONEILL Anthony-
DEMARTINO All RIGHT Mr. Ruttheimer! Get YOUR damn Volvo out of my space PRONTO!
UPCHUCK I didn’t see any sign.
DEMARTINO I KNOW you didn’t. That’s why I’m HUNTING down Mr. Thompson next. NOW MOVE!
UPCHUCK Till fate entwines our lives once more ladies.
Upchuck gets up and leaves.
DARIA I don’t know what just happened but I should probably be thankful.
BRITTANY That guy was Mr. DeMartino, my history
teacher.
Daria pulls her class schedule from her leather jacket’s pocket. She looks at
it then groans. Upchuck follows DeMartino out.
ONEILL Just a minute class!
Mr. O’Neill follows DeMartino out.
ONEILL Anthony wait!
DARIA The man has his priorities straight, I’ll give him that.
BRITTANY Yes? What do you mean your band is canceling Monique? I’m not some high schooler! I’m the head cheerleader! There’s a difference! Hello? Hello?
She ‘hmphs’ and puts the phone back.
BRITTANY Oh now what am I going to do?
DARIA Cry me a river?
BRITTANY Thanks for trying to cheer me up Daria but my party tonight is ruined! The live music cancelled. Without a Jacuzzi or music it’s just another party! Oh my God! Did I say that?! I mean without a Jacuzzi yet!
She sniffles and runs off. Daria looks over her shoulder at the rest of the class.
DARIA Three down, thirty-one to go.
Teenage Girl brings us into the next scene.
SCENE: TRENT AND HIS TRENTMOBILE (LHS EXTERIOR)
The school bell rings. Students pour through the open school doors. Among them are Daria and Jane, they are walking towards the parking lot.
JANE Want a ride home?
DARIA I don’t take rides from strangers.
JANE What’s so strange about me?
DARIA You’re the strangest person I’ve ever met.
JANE You only say that because you don’t know my brother.
DARIA Another half-starved artist?
JANE And then some!
DARIA I’ll definitely pass. Besides, I need to make up for all that exercise I didn’t get in gym.
JANE I was kind of surprised they started sneaking in those cheerleader practices so early this year.
DARIA It’s not cheerleader practice, it’s focus on agility.
JANE You showed Ms. Morris your cat-like agility. Of course
the cat in mind was
DARIA I just met you and I’m already beginning to dislike you.
JANE If you don’t out and out hate a Lane by now then it’s not happening.
DARIA Wanna bet?
We pan over from the girls to
JANE Hey
Daria is thrown off center by
DARIA Um…hi.
JANE Well there just went the intellectual
Jane opens the passenger door of the car and pulls the seat forward.
JANE Ready to go Thunderstruck?
DARIA (low) I hate you.
JANE Hate me on the way.
Once Jane is in and belted
JAKE Where the Hell is she dammit?
SCENE:
Spit plays on Jane’s stereo until the scene ends.
Jane’s room. It’s an eclectic mix of art supplies, art projects in various states of completion and/or neglect and Jane’s personal wardrobe. Most everything is just tossed randomly on the floor along with food and food style products. A massive bed with a stereo on its headboard dominates the room and before it sits a TV and desktop computer (still in a box). Behind the bed is a half finished coat of arms.
Daria sits on the bed while Jane paints on a large easel.
JANE So did Mr. O’Neill make the class try to figure out who was who just by feeling hands?
DARIA I believe that’s on next Friday’s agenda. Today we had to partner up with whomever in the room annoys you the most.
JANE His words or yours?
DARIA I don’t think I can bring myself to recite his exact words. I got stuck with Brittany Taylor.
JANE Wow, I bet you could just reach out and touch popularity. You must have felt special.
DARIA After five minutes with
JANE He does that. Now some more about
DARIA Well… I’d say the deepest thing about her is the depth of her ignorance. That pit between her ears is a close second.
JANE Nah, you’d have to bore it out more. My theory is that she lacks the capacity for depth.
DARIA Tell me about it. I had to phonetically spell out words for her then right as she’s about to get something right without getting to the third hint she stops to take a phone call.
JANE A second D is ready for installation?
DARIA I have a feeling O’Neill is incapable of giving anything below that. (Pause and then surprise) Oh!
Jane smirks for an instant.
DARIA Apparently she had a band booked for a party tonight and they just cancelled because a cheerleader’s party is beneath them. I had to explain to her what rejection is.
Jane stops routing around and sits up.
JANE She needs a band?
DARIA You interested?
JANE I’m not.
Jane jumps up and hurried out of the room.
SCENE: REQUIEM FOR A PARTY (LANE RESIDENCE)
The kitchen. A bland yellow room decorated in early art student.
Jane is sitting at the table with a phone to her ear and the yellow pages before her. Daria makes it into the room just as Jane begins to speak.
JANE Hello? Brittany Taylor? (pause)
Yes, you. My name is
Jane growls and redials.
JANE You need a band for your party tonight and the Spiral has an opening. (pause) Well it’s short notice so we’ll have to charge you. (pause) Why we play both kinds of music: rock and alt! (pause) Sure they’ll do that too. (pause) Good? Then it’s agreed. See you tonight.
Jane hangs up the phone and gets up.
DARIA Not interested?
JANE If I said I could care even less about her party I’d be lying. Mom and Dad are out of town for the next 3 to 6 months and forgot to leave enough bill money so Trent and I improvise when we can. Come on Daria, let’s rally the troops!
DARIA Didn’t I already explain my position on that?
JANE You’ll get twenty bucks, let’s roll.
Daria sighs and follows Jane.
SCENE: KABBALAH-LA (
We quickly cut to Kevin and Brittany in the dining room.
KEVIN What was that babe?
KEVIN In mysterious ways.
He gives her a moment to take in his deep thought.
KEVIN I got one!
SCENE: FINDING THE BAND
Dig up Her Bones
plays on
TRENT Hello?
JANE (on the phone) This is the management and this is
your courtesy call. Get the Hell up!
JANE (on the phone) Wake up time. You have a gig in two hours! We need to collect the band.
TRENT Okay. Yeah and um yeah.
He hangs up and goes back to sleep. Suddenly Jane bursts
into the room banging on a pot with a wooden spoon. At the first ‘reveille’
JANE Reveille! Reveille! Reveille! All hands heave out and trice up! The smoking lamp is lited*! The uniform of the day is yesterday’s shirt and unsoiled pants now get the hell out of bed! Reveille! Reveille! Now reveille!
Jane smiles and shrugs.
* That is not a typo. Proper pronunciation depends on the speaker’s interpretation of the word.
SCENE: ON THE MOVE (
The squealing of tires. We watch
the Trentmobile burn rubber. It loses a hubcap on the way out of the driveway.
The car backfires as it vanishes from the screen. We cut to the
car- Jane is driving,
TRENT When did you get a license Janie?
JANE I didn’t.
TRENT Maybe I should drive.
JANE Maybe you should put your shirt on and practice Come As You Are.
JANE Daria, would you call sleeping with a guitar in your hands practice?
TRENT As long as you don’t drop it.
DARIA (loud) Watch out for that-
We hear a cat shriek.
JANE Explains why the lamp chord hasn’t been gnawed through yet. You know, on second thought see if you can remember that version of Cat Scratch Fever you and Jesse worked up.
JANE Then improvise dammit!
JANE Yeah I hear most guitarist do that every couple of months. Some even practice with metronomes.
TRENT But that clacking drives me nuts!
JANE Everyone else suffers for their art
DARIA Maybe you should just let me off here and keep your twenty bucks.
TRENT She’s getting money?
JANE Fly girls don’t work cheap. She twisted my arm.
DARIA My boots are bigger than hers.
JANE She overcompensates for severe psychological problems that leave her unable to interact with the world around her; she’d make a great artist.
DARIA Now I really hate you.
JANE Hate me after you get paid. (pause) Here we go!
She turns hard and Daria & Trent get thrown to the right. There’s a sudden jerk as Jane slams on the brake.
JANE Do you have a license?
TRENT Yeah it’s in my pants.
JANE And where are they?
JANE (gets out of the car) Maybe you can borrow Jesse’s.
TRENT He may want his shirt back first.
JANE Keep your shirt on.
TRENT But it’s his shirt.
DARIA This is what I get for fitting in somewhere other than nowhere.
Outside we see Jane & Trent with Daria straggling behind
on the unkempt lawn of a single story. It and the surrounding neighborhood look
very low rent and of 1960’s construction. Beside
JANE Dammit! Where the hell is he?
TRENT Maybe he’s found a new band.
JANE Trent…
Jane groans and slams her fist on the door a final time. We pan over to Daria who is still looking down. There’s a pair of boots poking out under the front of the car.
DARIA I found the body.
Jane and Trent walk over. Looking up from a Tarantino angle (inside the hood as opposed to the trunk) it opens and we’re looking up at Daria, Trent and Jane (who re-enters the picture after a few moments) Jesse is in the empty engine compartment doing some work with headphones on full blast. From the static it sounds like Looking down the Barrel of a Gun.
JESSE Yeah?
JANE Your mom kick you out again?
TRENT Easy, his mom is a tough woman.
DARIA (looking away) That’s her chopper then.
JANE It’s a 1950’s Harley pan head. Ex- Lawndale PD. Keep it straight.
JESSE (removes his headphones) She won’t let me back in until I do my laundry.
TRENT Damn. I needed to borrow some pants.
JANE We have a gig.
JESSE I’m not in the band any more.
JANE Come on! There’s money involved. You can afford to have someone else to do your laundry!
JESSE It’s not about money. It’s about art.
TRENT Rock on.
JANE (to
JESSE Is that my shirt?
DARIA Then how about this- you come with us to a party. Bring your guitar.
JANE Guys.
DARIA You can play your guitar in front of a bunch of chicks. Trent and the other guys will play too. If you’re all on the same song then so be it.
JESSE Cool.
JANE You in?
Jesse scoots out from under the car and heads for the front door.
JESSE (yells) Mom! Get me my leather pants!
Jane, Daria and Trent stand stone still. Daria sniffs, then Trent and Jane.
TRENT He’s riding in back.
Daria groans.
We cut back to them all in the
JESSE I didn’t bathe.
JANE Do tell.
JESSE You’re smelling the cran-straw candles off my clothes.
TRENT It stinks.
JESSE Chicks dig it.
JANE (over her shoulder) Daria?
DARIA (covering her nose) Why do you insist on addressing me?
JANE Just trying to include you.
DARIA Exclusion is acceptable.
TRENT Thanks for the pants Jess.
JESSE It’s cool. I only wore them a time or two.
Dysentery Gary plays on the radio.
We are treated to a shot of the
Cut back to the interior of the
JANE And if you look to the left
you’ll see
DARIA There goes my trick ear.
JANE Oh, it’s my little theory. Ms. Li blows most of the school’s funding on paranoia paraphernalia; this is from a casual observer’s stand point mind you, and with this she legitimately diverts funds and launders them.
DARIA Those bomb sniffing dogs have to eat somehow.
JANE Bet your old school’s metal detectors couldn’t give you the exact change in your pocket.
DARIA Last school didn’t have metal detectors.
JANE How’d they keep the armed nuts out?
DARIA The other students shot him.
The car stops and everyone piles out. They’re parked besides “The Tank” a modified ’86 Chevy Van 10 in a weeded out empty lot. On one side is Liqour L’amour and to the other is an iffy three story apartment complex.
The Tank: its government surplus so the exterior has been spray painted matte black over the original white. It has a metal equipment rack of top. A red anarchy A is sprayed onto the sliding door. On the passenger and driver side doors blue letters (with a little white showing) are visible:
FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY
US NAVY
97 031993
Jane tries to open the driver’s side door but it’s locked. She looks into the windows and tries knocking.
DARIA He lives in this thing?
JANE When he can’t afford rent. And it’s not a thing, it’s the Tank.
JESSE It’s indestructible.
TRENT But it eats gas.
JANE He’s not in here. (points at the apartment building) It appears that is the elegant abode of Max Tyler. He’s a bit temperamental so follow my lead. Don’t talk. Look mean and no smiling.
DARIA Do you have to waste your breathe at every opportunity?
JANE (shrugs) I really hate dead air.
SCENE: THE ELEGANT ABODE OF MAX TYLER (MAX’S INTERIOR)
Max’s home. The studio apartment is completely trashed. Over the layer of garbage is a ton of ‘zen’ paraphernalia. Max sits on a sagging futon eating ramein noodles in a bowl of beer with chopsticks. He’s transfixed with the TV- Sick, Sad World is on.
On TV- Splitscreen. One side is Glenn Eichler (CAMEO: MIKE JUDGE) and the other is Mike Judge (CAMEO: GLENN EICHLER), their names appear beneath them and both are dressed as boxers.
SSW ANNOUNCER (voice over) Watch as two former associates duke it out- On the drawing board!
The two screens pull out and become one. Eichler and Judge are at separate easels. Both begin to draw furiously. Susie Lewis Lynn (CAMEO: SUSIE LEWIS LYNN) plays referee between them.
SSW ANNOUNCER Boxing Judge/ Boxing Eichler on the next Sick, Sad World!
A rapid flurry of knocks at the door.
MAX What?
JANE (through the door) It’s Jane!
MAX Jane who?
A moment of silence, murmurs are heard through the door. Max sets down his dinner and stands up.
DARIA (through the door) Lawndale PD.
MAX Oh sh-!
He rushes around the room hiding various objects. All of which look like something you can smoke out of.
MAX Just a minute!
DARIA (through the door) We know what you’re doing in there. Your mother would be very ashamed.
MAX You don’t know about my momma!
He rushes into the kitchenette and starts wildly pulling aerosol bottles from under the sink. Then he permeates the room in Lysol. There’s a bout of hacking and coughing before he gets to the door. He opens the door with a smile. Jane flicks the mini bong hanging around his neck.
JANE Missed a spot.
MAX What do you guys want?
JANE A drummer.
MAX Do we still have a band?
JANE Yes.
JESSE No.
TRENT Maybe.
DARIA Technically.
JANE We’re having an informal jam session tonight.
MAX I don’t know guys. I’m busy. I have a lot to work-
JANE Free finger foods.
MAX Let’s rock!
SCENE: PARTAY CRA-ZAY (
Hollaback Girl plays.
Dusk; the
JANE I know. That’s why I had Jesse bring an extra guitar.
TRENT Oh thanks.
JANE Just remember guys these are high school girls, so no touchy.
MAX But I’m a faith healer, this is my clientele.
DARIA Rasputin said the same thing.
JANE Pleasure before business tonight Max.
MAX But I…right Jane. Pleasure before business. Ah-ha. Let’s rock.
TRENT Janie I know we forgot something.
JANE (annoyed) Oh well.
SCENE: PARTY ON (
As our intrepid (?) heroes enter Hollaback Girl dies out and Butterfly comes on.
The interior is done in a combination of late southern plantation and mock Tudor style with a den inspired by the novels of Isaak Denison. It’s the back drop for mingling and/or dancing students; some of which are ‘getting retarded’.
JANE Trent please, you’re like a broken record.
Pause. The two stare. We pan over a little. Nick is standing near three cheerleaders with a sly smile and a dark drink in his hand.
JANE The bass player. Guess we need one of those.
JESSE Not really.
DARIA The real Doors didn’t have a bass player.
JANE What do you mean ‘The Real Doors’?
DARIA You mean this isn’t a Doors cover band?
Quiet.
JESSE Not cool.
Daria half steps back uncomfortably.
JANE Or Indian Byrn. That’s with a ‘y’ mind you.
JESSE I liked that name. Why didn’t we go back to that?
JESSE Oh yeah. Sorry Daria.
Jane walks over to Nick and puts an arm on his shoulder.
JANE Nick! Lover boy, how’s college treating you?
NICK Jane?!
JANE He gets his BA in BS this year.
ANGIE Wh- you’re in college?
BUFFY Uh! Old freak!
Buffy splashes her drink in Nick’s face and they walk off.
NICK Dammit!
JANE Ready for the gig?
NICK What gig?
JANE Well since you’re not here for the gig… (faux surprise) Why Nicky, are you crashing a high school party?
NICK Gah! Jane it’s not… Okay kind of maybe.
TRENT Not cool Nick.
JESSE Yeah.
DARIA Um… ditto.
SCENE: KEVIN’S AMAZING WINE TRICK (
We cut to the dining room table. Kevin is standing at the end with a wine bottle in his hands and many party goers cheering him on.
KEVIN Like this is how to remove a cork from a wine bottle with a string. Check it out! Like I got this from Brit’s basement. Her parents won’t miss it because it’s old. I mean if it was good they’d have drank it already.
BRITTANY Band aids Kevvy!
KEVIN Aw babe!
He fiddles with the top and yelps as it cuts him. He sucks
on his bleeding fingers then
KEVIN Now step three.
He pours half the wine into various cups on the table. We pull away and observe Daria watching this from the main living room. Jane has her back turned to Daria. She’s watching the band bring in their rigs. Mad Season picks up on the stereo.
DARIA Take a look at this Jane.
Jane turns around to watch Kevin as well.
JANE Ah, quality entertainment.
Upchuck saunters by and salutes the girls.
UPCHUCK Luscious ladies.
We refocus on Kevin as he fumbles with the string.
KEVIN Um…now I will be assisted by my lovely assistant.
KEVIN Thanks babe!
He takes the string and dips it into the bottle.
DARIA Must be some tiny fish in that bottle.
JANE I wonder what proof they are.
Kevin shakes the bottle and struggles with the bottle.
KEVIN Come on!
JANE (yells) Pull up if you feel a tug!
He jerks it hard towards
KEVIN Babe?
She lets out a scream and runs from the room in a huff.
KEVIN What?
When he speaks he throws his arms wide and gets wine on a painting. Some people snicker, others go back to what they where doing.
KEVIN I’m… redecorating.
We focus back on Daria and Jane as the band is about done setting up.
JANE (to the band) Please don’t tell me you’re going to use that amp.
TRENT We need all the amps we can get. Don’t worry.
JANE (to Daria) Jesse personally did some alterations to that amp so it goes to 11. Never turn it up to 11.
DARIA Somehow I’ll fight the urges.
JANE I guess we can discuss payment whenever the ditz of the house comes back. Until then…
She holds out her arm for Daria to take. Daria just gives her a look.
JANE I’m in the mood for something with… I don’t know. Something with a lot of ingredients.
DARIA Like sour cream and salsa pork rinds?
JANE Let’s just find a bowl of chips and some dip that hasn’t been double dipped in.
DARIA Yet.
JANE (smiles) I am a bad influence on you.
Evan approaches the girls. Evan is a tall, athletic raven haired Caucasian type.
The Devil Song comes on the stereo.
JANE I think he’s spotted us. Be very still.
EVAN Slacker one, slacker two.
Jane gives Evan a friendly smile. Daria is not amused so she walks off.
JANE You had your chance!
EVAN What was that all about?
JANE You’ll never know.
EVAN And why not?
JANE Because you walked into the punch line. It kills the joke.
SCENE: FASHIONISTAS (TAYLOR EXTERIOR)
Lovefool is on the radio.
A loaded black 2005 Lincoln Navigator rolls to a stop in
front of the
LINDA Call me when you’re done Sandi.
SANDI Yeah mom whatever.
The Fashion Club hastily exits the SUV and it drives off.
TIFFANY Your mom is so smart Sandi.
STACY Stick shifts are so complicated!
SANDI Just remember tonight no one make any hooks ups.
QUINN Why not?
SANDI First major party of the year. Display only. That way next time they’ll be begging to spend even more on you.
QUINN No wonder you’re the President of the Fashion Club. That is so smart!
SANDI Thank you. Too bad Stacy is too busy admiring my mother to notice.
STACY Not true! Wait, what are we talking about again?
TIFFANY Taffy pulls.
SCENE: …BUT WE MIGHT CHANGE OUR NAME (
Microphone screech. The band is set
up in the den.
TRENT Hello. We’re Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.
JESSE Hit it.
The band plays Ow! My Face!
I’m glad you’re happy
watching my pain
Burning crop circles
in my soul’s waves of grain
We had no love scene
but you’ve cut to the chase
Choppin’ off my nose to spite my face
BAND (singing)
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
In the middle of the chorus we watch Daria and Jamie watching the band.
JAMIE What is that?
DARIA The secret track off the latest Boys
R Guys album.
JAMIE Neat!
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
Ow! My nose!
Ow! My face!
Ow!
The band plays out.
We see
SANDI I know we’re not hooking up tonight but FYI Corey is mine.
STACY What about Skyler?
SANDI If y