BEAVIS & BUTT HEAD

THE DARIA HORROR PICTURE SHOW

While I ain't sure what The Rocky Horror Picture

Show is the registered trademark of, I know Daria

(along with Beavis & Butt Head) is the trademark of

MTV .

Fender & The Stratocaster is a trademark of Fender

guitars.

The Cres-Cor Crown-X is a trademark of Cres-Cor

Corp.

Ampeg is a trademark of Ampeg guitar amplifiers.

Anything else mentioned is a trademark of their

So here it is.........a cross over parody for

the Daria universe.

CHAPTER 1: A marriage made in Hell.

(We see the big mouth of Jane Lane moving, but

the voice is that of her brother

Trent singing......)

SCIENCE FICTION LAWNDALE FEATURE

Parody of Science Fiction Double Feature

Performed by Trent Lane

Trent:

Angela Li was ill the day Lawndale stood

still, yet she told us....where we stand

and Stacy Rowe was there buyin' new

underwear;

Upchuck was The Invisible Ham.

Then good luck came when

we all played at the Zen;

it was a cool major big grungefest jam

Jesse picked up the pace;

Max was in, outer space,

and here is how Nick's message ran:

(Here Jane's mouth turns to black and

white while the credits change)

Trent:

Science fiction, Lawndale feature

Janet Barch, will build a creature

See Daria and Tom, escape from

Janet

Trent and Jane Lane come, from

their home planet.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show.

THE DARIA HORROR

PICTURE SHOW

Starring Daria Morgendorffer

(Our Heroine)

Tom Sloane (Her boyfriend)

Jane Lane (A maid)

Trent Lane (Jane's brother)

Quinn Morgendorffer

(Daria's sister)

(Back to color Jane's mouth turns to

while Trent's singing resumes)

Trent:

I know sweet Brittany Taylor, was no

bimbo failure, when her beau Kevin

took, to the hills

And it was a big pain, when my pop

Vincent Lane lost his silver nitrate fluid

that kills.

Sandi Griffin, it proves, gave Quinn the

ruse, in usin' her Fashion Club skills.

"But when brains collide," said Tom

Sloane to his bride, "I wanna give you

some cynical chills, like a--"

(Again Jane's mouth is black and white

for the last set of credits)

Trent:

Science fiction, Lawndale feature

Janet Barch, will build a creature

See Daria and Tom, escape from

Janet

Trent and Jane Lane come, from

their home planet.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. I wanna go

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

To the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. Please don't say no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. In the back row.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.........

At the late night........Lawndale

feature.....picture.....show...........

Claire Defoe (The art teacher &

narrator)

Janet Barch (A hypocritical male

hating teacher turned scientist)

Tim O'Neill (A creature teacher)

Kevin Thomson (A football star)

Brittany Taylor (Kevin's groupie)

(We see, at a Roman Catholic church, a wedding

finishing up,and at one point, we see in the

crowd, Jane and Trent, muttering their statements.

Right now, all the groups make ready for a

standard photo.)

Andrea: Here they come!!

(Out from the church come Mack and Jodie----the

bride and groom,as if you didn't know. They meet

up with the group for the photo.)

Vincent Lane: Let's get a shot, you all..........

say POO POO!!

All: POO POO!!

Vincent: Congrats!! Now I can bring home the bacon

for my Mandy!!

(We see Mack talking with Tom Sloane)

Mack: Well, I guess Jodie got her way. At least

now, I don't have to hear that Kevin call me

Mack Daddy.

Tom: I feel for you. Guess Quinn's advice on

popping the question to Jodie reaped dividends

for you.

Mack: Maybe they'll work for you and Daria.

Tom (stammering): W-welll, I don't know.......

I am a meat an' potatoes dude, an' Daria's into

burgers........

Jodie: Here comes the bouquet!!

(The Lawndale cheerleaders cheer and jump wildly;

Jodie makes the toss; and it falls in Daria's

hand.)

Daria (deadpan): Whoopee. I got the bouquet.

Mack: Hey, man, looks like you're the next

victim.

Tom: That action's nowhere. It's one thing for

me an' Daria to date; it's another when it comes

to marriage.

Mack: Time to bust a move to Niagra. Peace out,

all of you!! Let's go, Jodie!!

(Jodie and Mack's car drives off, everyone but

Daria and Tom chasing it; our protagonists walk

through the graveyard past a sign reading,

"Lawndale, The Home Of MTV Animation.")

Daria: S-O---------our school prez was once,

plain 'ol Jodie Landon, now she's Ms. Jodie

Jordan.

Tom: You got to admit, Mack can be a lucky dude.

Daria: At least he don't have to worry ' bout

Jodie callin' him Mack Daddy.

Tom: You sure it ain't Daddy Mack? Oh.......

speaking of lucky.......

DAMMIT DARIA

Parody of Dammit Janet

Performed by Tom Sloane &

Daria Morgendorffer

Tom:

Hey Daria.....

Daria:

What Tom?

Tom:

I got somethin' to say.

Daria:

What?

Tom:

I love the way you just stand like a zombie

for that bouquet.

Daria (blushing):

Oh Tom.

Tom:

The Daria show rules, but it's all over (Daria)

Canceled an' gone forever (Daria)

So please, don't say that you love Trent (Daria)

I've just got one thing to say an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

(Daria smirks while Tom turns his back to her)

Tom (continued):

Jane Lane loved me but you stopped it. (Daria)

The fires of my love is small so you fan it. (Daria)

If there's one Daria pairing, that is it. (Daria)

I've just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

Here's a ring that proves I ain't no slacker

There's four ways that love can go

Beavis, Butt Head, Aeon Flux an'you

Oh, D-A-R-I-A, I LOVE you so!!

(After Tom places the engagement ring on her

finger, Daria runs in the church with Tom in tow)

Daria:

Oh it's so nicer than my pierced navel. (Oh Tom)

Now we're engaged an' we'll raise hell (Oh Tom)

An' you're better than that slacker Trent Lane (Oh Tom)

I've one thing to say, to that effect, Tom,

I love you, too, oh......

(Daria and Tom walk down the aisle)

Tom:

Oh dammit!!

Daria:

Oh Tom.

Tom:

Oh Daria.

Daria:

For you.

Tom:

I love you too.

Daria & Tom:

Just one thing left to

do-------ah--------ooooooooo......

Tom:

So let's see your cousin--I mean your sister.(Daria)

The redhead that acts like a twister. (Daria)

She's so popular, yet loves to panic. (Daria)

I just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,

Daria, I love you.

Dammit, Daria.

Daria:

Oh,Tom, your mom.......

Tom:

Dammit, Daria.

Daria & Tom:

I love you.....

(The two kiss; yes, even Daria, as cynical as

she is, can have feelings too.......)

CHAPTER 2: Party hearty blues

(The scene changes to the art room of Lawndale

High, where, among the paintings and a world

globe, is the art teacher, Claire Defoe, who

speaks to the audience/reader)

Defoe: Wassup? Yowsa, sweetie. I would like,

uh, if I may, to take you on a strange journey

that is more surrealistic than the paintings of

H. R. Giger. It seemed to be a run of the mill

night when Daria Morgendorffer and fiance,

Tom Sloane, went on that late November night,

to head back to their hometown of Lawndale,

to meet up with Daria's sister, Quinn

Morgendorffer, the popular sweetie face,

and vice president of Lawndale High's Fashion

Club.

(Defoe inspects some of Jane's paintings,

and reads through an art book.)

Defoe (continued): It's true there were dark

storm clouds, heavy and black, than the ones in

Salvadore Dali, towards where they were heading.

It's true also, that Tom had five flat tires in his

car--and one of them was the spare, but, the fact

they were brains in love, and on a night out.....

well, they weren't allowing a storm foul up the

events of their evening, were they?

(Defoe stares in the camera eye for effect)

Defoe: On a night out......it was a night out

they were going to remember.....for a long

time.......

(The rain starts to pour, when Tom's car reaches

a sign that reads, DEAD END--and that is when all

four tires go flat----POW!! POW!! POW!! POW!!)

Tom: Oh, great, four flat tires!! And what's worse,

we must've taken a wrong turn!!

Daria: Another triumph for the fickle finger of

fate.

Tom: Least you got your cell phone your lawyer mom

gave you.

Daria (stammering): Cell.....phone.........?!?

I knew there WAS something I forgot!!

Tom: Oh foo!! (hits the back of his head with his

hand) It couldn't get any worse; all we can do now,

is hope for the boogey man to end our miseries.

Daria: Maybe Dr.Who may show up and we can hitch a

ride on his Tardis.

Tom: What's that up ahead?

(To the left, is a huge citadel, the size of The New

York, New York hotel & casino in Vegas, resembling the

cylindrical glass towers of the Los Angeles Hotel

Bonaventure, but with four black fork shaped twin

smokestacks, belching orange smoke in the

black stormy sky, flanking the center glass tower.)

Daria: Offhand, I'd say it's one of those mirage

buildings you hear of on Sick Sad World.

Tom: Only one way to be sure. Wait here, they may

got a phone I can use.

Daria: Don't leave me alone, I wanna come with you.

Besides, it's how horror films start that way.

Tom: True, but it's how comedy films start out that

way.

Daria:Tell that to Hollywood.

(The two, sheilding themselves with newspapers from

the rain, head to the citadel, approaching the high

wall and the open gate, a few signs on it reading,

BEWARE OF CASA BARCH!! NO USELESS MALES ALLOWED!!

ENTER @ YOUR OWN RISK!! Along the way, Daria and

Tom burst into song.)

OVER AT THE SCARY OLD PLACE

Parody of Over At The Frankenstein Place

Performed by Daria Morgendorffer, Tom

Sloane & Trent Lane

Daria:

In the ol' man winter

of an avarage night,

burnin' bright, there's a guidin' star.

Yet it ain't Gwen Stephani.

Daria & Tom:

There's a light......

over at the scary old place.

There's a light......

Brightly shinin' in N-space.

There's a light, light makin' like some ol'

UFO spacecraft gem.

(Inside the citadel, seeing the approaching

duo, dressed like Riff Raff, from a window,

is Trent.)

Trent:

Could that gal be the one I dated before ago?

Nah, couldn't be, must've slept for so long,

oh no

Imagination, imagination......

Daria & Tom:

There's a light........over at the scary old

place

There's a light.........

Brightly shinin' in N-space.

There's a light, light, we follow to the

next storyline here, now.

(Back to Lawndale High; we see Defoe inspecting

Jane's artwork she did of the anoerexic girl for

the story Arts & Crass.)

Defoe: "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't

be thinner, now she goes to the bathroom and----"

(Startled, she turns to the camera) Oh!! I forgot

you were here....sorry.....(composes herself)

And so it seemed that the MTV execs had

smiled on Daria and Tom, and that they had

found the help they sought........(close up,

while Defoe raises an eyebrow)........or

HAD they.........?

(We see several cars parked near the wall.

At the base of the citadel, Daria and Tom

stand before a huge blast door)

Daria: Uh......Tom, maybe I should stay with

the pile of junk you call a car.

Tom: A bit late for that. I admit, whoever

lives here, must be eccentric.

Daria: Must be that Celine Dionne, married

name unknown who lives here. Everyone hates

her now, so she's got to have a safe place.

(The huge door opens, and Trent greets the two.)

Trent: Yo.

Tom: Listen, the name's Tom Slone, an' she's

Daria Morgendorffer, which is German for

"morning town." Can we use your phone? We've

got four flat tires on my car a few miles behind.

You got a phone we can use?

Trent: You're wet. (laugh/coughs)

Daria: Well, duh, it's raining........!!

Trent: Good one. (laugh/coughs) I think you

two best come inside.

Tom: Thanks, or somethin' like that.

(He and Daria enter, with Trent in tow.

The interior of the place starts out with what

looks like those antique stores, only with neon

signs, clocks, arcade machines, gas pumps, and

other pop culture stuff. Ahead,we see a stairway,

to the left, a set of double doors, marked with

The Doors logo, and in the center of the room,

a cylindrical tube elevator the size of a freight

elevator; other than that, its decor is similar

to the interior of the RHPS house, but with the

stuff mentioned above.)

Tom: What a place......!!

Daria: Must be early Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Trent: Follow me, please. (He leads Daria and

Tom to the double doors.)

Daria: We saw a lot of cars parked out there;

is there a party in the works?

Trent: You've arrived on a rather special night;

it's one of our mistress' affairs.

Daria: Whoop de do. Lucky her.

(Trent's sister Jane, wearing the Mangenta maid

uniform and black thigh highs, arrives with a

paintbrush and a palette, and leans on the

stairway bannister.)

Jane: You're lucky, he is lucky, I am lucky,

we're ALL LUCKY!! (laughs) Yo, you two wanna

pose for my next painting?

(Just then, Trent notices one of the neon

clocks, then grabs his electric guitar,which

is equipped with a wireless FM transmitter,

patched into his amplifier, and strums it.)

THE SPIRAL WARP

Parody of The Time Warp

Performed by Trent & Jane Lane,

Claire Defoe, Brittany Taylor & The

Lawndalians

Trent:

It's astoundin'

Fame is fleetin'

Critics take their toll

but listen closely----

Jane:

Not for rather much longer.

Trent:

Mystik Sprial.......is the soul.

(Trent does his Riff Raff dance while

playing his guitar.)

Trent:

I remember, doin' The Sprial Warp.

when we, jammed at The Zen

Our luck then was fallin'

Trent & Jane:

Till good fortune came callin'............

(The doors open, to a ballroom, where we see

dozens of our fave Lawndalians--Sandi, Tiffany

and Stacy, a.k.a. The Fashion Club, The 3 J's,

Jake and Helen, Vincent and Amanda Lane, the

Lawndale High faculty, The Lawndale High

cheerleaders, Dr. Philips from Ill, the Guptys

from Pinch Sitter, much of the Lane clan, and so

forth--dance. On the stage at the far end, we see

the rest of Mystik Sprial--Jesse, Nick and

Max--play, along with Monique on a synth system.)

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(The scene changes to Claire Defoe's art

room, where she points out a diagram of a

guitar)

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

(Back to Lawndale High)

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane

Let's do The Sprial Warp again

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Jane:

It's so dreamy, but MTV freed me.

Canceled by the bigwigs, I saw it all.

In a matter of moments, we were out of work.

Now forgotten? Not at all.

Trent:

So MTV gave our pink slips

Jane:

Right after our last quips

Trent:

And we'd never get our show back again.

Jane:

Let's protest to the nation.

Trent:

For our reputation!!

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(At that moment, Brittany, dressed up like

Columbia, complete with a top hat, jumps off

the juke box she's been sittin' on, and does

her thing.)

Brittany:

Well I was walkin' down the street with

no shoes on my feet

Me an' Kevvy just-a kissin', so discreet

then along came Janet Barch and co.

They broke up our hijinks

then hired us, to be their servants

Me, a dancer, Kevvy a janitor.

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane.

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Here, Brittany does the RHPS tap dance

sequence, right up to when she falls;

Daria does her Mona Lisa grin.)

The Lawndalians:

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

Defoe:

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:

An' then a strum to the right.

Defoe:

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:

While playin' outa sight

an' with those decibels,

it's sure to drive you insane

Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Monique plays a descending synth portamento

coda while the Lawndalians along with Trent,

Jane and Brittany fall to the floor.)

Daria: Uh, Tom, say something.

Tom: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha, Diarrhea,

cha, cha, cha----oops, wrong show......

Daria: (sigh) Least what we saw ruled.

They oughta play at The Zen.

Nick: You hear that, man? A new

challenge for The Sprial.

Max: Oh boy!! We're criminales, ready to

take on the big time!!

Jesse: Cool.

Monique: Amen.

Trent: I'll buy that.

Tom: If I were a phone, where would I be?

Daria: Next to The Yellow Pages. Let's ask

that butler where it's at.

(No sooner do Daria and Tom make a move,

there is a big humming sound behind them;

the elevator is the source, meaning it's

descending and indeed it does. The doors open,

and out steps Janet Barch in a satin black cape,

walking disdianflully past the male Lawndalians,

till she stops before Daria and Tom.)

OL' CRUEL TEACHER

Parody of Sweet Transvestite (ugh!!)

Performed by Janet Barch

Barch:

How'd you do, I

So you met my,

useless, loser man.

(Barch points to Trent)

Barch(continued):

He's just a lazy slacker

because, when you knocked,

he thought you were the,

guitar man.

(Barch struts along the ballroom floor)

Barch:

Don't get turned on, by the way I look

I am tough just like Danny Glover

I ain't a kind teacher by the light of day,

but at night, I am one HELL of a lover!!

(Off comes the cape, revealing Barch in a black

satin Merry Widow bustier, with black thigh highs.)

Barch:

I am just an ol' cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

(Barch gives a rude raspberry in disgust to Tom,

then turns to Daria)

Barch(to Daria):

Your boyfriend's scummy

like my spouse, so crummy

but you, look like you're oh so groovy

If you want somethin' visual,

it ain't so abysmal,

we could take in an old k.d. Lang movie

(Aware of Barch's hatred of males, Tom nonetheless

steps up to her, with Daria at his side)

Tom: At least we found you at home........

(Tom points to Daria and gently nudges her to Barch)

Tom(continued):

........can she use your phone?

We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Daria:

Right.

(Tom casually starts to back away)

Tom:

She'll just stand by your side, while I wait outside;

we don't wanna be any worry.

Barch:

Well you got stuck with a flat?

Well.......how 'bout that?

Well, stupids------don't you panic!!

By the light of the night, it'll all

seem just right; I'll get you a strong

female mechanic!!

I am just an ol' cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

(Barch makes her way to a throne near the stage,

and settles down; Jane,Trent and Brittany place

themselves 'round the throne, Barch glowering at

Trent from time to time, to Jane's disdain----I

made it ryhme!!)

Barch:

So why don't you, stay for the night?

Trent:

Night.

Barch:

And maybe, a bite?

Brittany:

Bite.

Barch:

I could show you, my latest, obsession.

I've been makin'a wimp, that don't act like

a gimp, and he is good for my male hatin'..........

tension.

I am just an ol'cruel teacher

from my home state of,

Pennsylvania.

LET'S HIT IT!!

I am just an ol' cruel teacher.....

Trent, Jane & Brittany:

Ol' cruel teacher.........

(Barch walks back to the elevator)

Barch:

..........from my home state of,

Trent, Jane & Brittany:

Pennsylvania.........uh huh.......

(Barch turns to Daria and Tom)

Barch:

So---------come up to my lab----

An' see what's on my slab----

(Barch directs her next words to Daria)

Barch (continued):

I see you fightin'......off antici------------

Jane, Trent, Brittany & The Lawndalians:

SAY IT!!

Barch (continued):

---------pation............

But our acid rain,

just ain't really to blame,

so I'll remove your brains.......

(Barch snickers)

Barch (continued):

.......but not.....your talent!!!!

(Barch stabs a button on the elevator's control panel,

and the door slams with a hiss; the elevator car goes up

to who knows where. At that moment, Trent and Jane bring a

pair of privicy screens for Tom and Daria; behind one's own

screen, the two change. After that, Daria is now in her

standard sleep wear, while Tom is in a t shirt and briefs.)

Tom: Uh, the name's Tom Sloane an' she's my babe,

Daria Morgendorffer.

Brittany (twirling her pigtails): Uh, you're lucky to be

invited up to Ms. Barch's lab; she only allows priviliged

people up there.

Tom: You've seen it?

Brittany (blushing): An' more........eep!!

Daria: Sounds like she's the new model for Victoria's

Secret.

Trent (laughing/coughing): Good one, Daria. (Starts to usher

Daria and Tom into the elevator) Let's go, Ms. Barch don't like

to be kept waitin'.

Jane: MOVE IT!! (Then in a timid way) Sorry. I've been hangin'

with Barch for too long.

Daria: It's OK. Whoever that Barch is, she's like Ming The

Merciless getting in touch with his feminine side.

Tom: That is, if he had one.

Trent: Good one. (He and Jane laugh. After that, they all

enter the elevator; the door closes, and the elevator

heads up to the upper level.)

Tom: Time well spent, I think.

Daria (to Trent): Is Barch you wife?

Brittany: EEP!!

Trent: She used to be married, until her spouse ran out

on her. Since then, she's been hatin' any an' all males,

even me. But in my POV, she never will BE married; we're

just her....minions.

Daria: Sorry I asked.

Jane: Good one (laughs)

CHAPTER 3: Happy birthday, Skinny!!

(The elevator door opens, and the group steps out into a

vast red tiled room with an upper gallery with ramps and

stairs; right now, we see the Lawndalians there, overlooking

the activities at hand. Below, surrounding the perimiter of

the room, we see some statues of female Amazon warriors,

passages leading to different rooms of the building. Across

from the elevator is a curtained doorway. At the right hand

part of the wall is a huge control panel with digital LED

clocks for the different time zones of the world, along with

TV screens, computer keyboard units, switches, buttons,

levers, LED read outs, printers, and so forth. Next to that,

on the panel's right hand side, is another blast door,

stenciled with UNIVERSAL PROTOTYPE DEEP FREEZER #541 CAUTION!!

ABSOLUTE ZERO!! In the center of the room, is a huge Cres-Cor

Crown-X 7 foot tall electric heating cabinet, used for heating

restraunt food, now with several insulated electrodes sticking

out from the top; above that, hanging from the ceiling, is a

series of electrodes, a 5 foot gap between those, and the

ones on the Cres-Cor cabinet. And standing near it, adjusting

its onboard controls, in a white smock, is Barch, who turns

to Daria and co.)

Barch: Jane, Brittany, go help your loser Trent. I will

entertain.

Tom: Uh.....the name's Tom Sloane, and she's Diarrhea

Morgendorffer.

Daria: "Daria."

Barch: SHADDAP, YOU!! OR ELSE!! SHEESH!! (calms down)

It ain't often we get visitors here, let alone offer our

hospitality. But if there is one thing I CANNOT stand,

is (points to Tom) a MAN!! (belches rudely)

Tom: Never mind the sexist hatred!! We don't give a hang

'bout what goes on here, but we asked you to use your phone,

which you don't care 'bout!!

Daria: Tell me all 'bout it.

Barch (to Tom): How STUU-----PID of you.....such a ugly

parasite of a man. So useless!! (To Daria) You must be out

of your mind to hang with....a MAN!!

Daria: I try from time to time.

Trent (to Barch): We're ready.

Barch: Then let's get started. (to Daria and Tom)

Follow me.

(Barch, Daria and Tom head to the giant control panel,

where Trent, Jane and Brittany wait. From there, Barch

turns to the Lawndalians above in the upper part of the

room and addresses them.)

Barch: To all my minions, the Lawndalians, and--UGH--

you......you......MALES!! Prepare to be stupid----uh,

I meant stupified, with my latest innovation. For years,

we women were maltreated by the ultimate scum of the Earth,

known as the male gender, taking advantage of women,

treating them like servants......But tonight, all that

will change......what you're 'bout to see, is a breakthrough

in biogenetic research........to clone from DNA scratch, a

REAL wimp of a male for me, to serve me and take out his own

trash cans!!

(Applause)

Barch (continued): You, the doubters, get a ringside seat,

for a major first in MTV history, since Xmas, Halloween and

Guy Fawkes Day came from Holiday High. Not since that Britney

Spears broke up with that loser Justin, have we come up with

.......an invention to solve every woman's problem!!

(To Jane and Trent) Prepare the protoplasmic armature!!

(Trent and Jane haul a huge log shaped hunk of white wax,

set it upright in the cabinet, slam its door, and head to

the control panel.)

Jane: All set. All cloning matrix readings say danger is go.

Barch: Activate all systems. Start the extended range fixed

filter bank.

Brittany: Extended range fixed filter bank activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled lowpass filter.

Trent: Voltage controlled lowpass filter activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled highpass filter.

Jane: Voltage controlled highpass filter activated.

Barch: Channeling all DNA fluids to the cloning matrix....

setting power to 1200, 000 volts...........tang.......go!!

(Barch throws a pair of knife switches, and countless

lightning bolts shoot out from the overhead electrodes to

the ones on the cabinet, which shakes, rattles and rolls

for 4 minutes, then on one of the screens, a display reading

FINISHED flashes; Barch turns the power off, approaches the

cabinet and opens it. Out steps, in a gold tank top and gold

swimming trunks, is Timothy O'Neill.)

O'Neill: Hellllllllo,everyone!! Wanna form a feeling circle

with me?

Barch (overjoyed): Oh, SKINNY!!!!!!!!

Daria: It's alive........!!

(O'Neill starts running 'round the room, up the stairs,

running past the amused Lawndalians, with Barch chasing him

lustfully)

THE SWORD OF JANET BARCH

Parody of The Sword Damoclese

Perfomed by Timothy O'Neill &

The Lawndalians

O'Neill:

The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head

an' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.

Oh, woe is me, why was I born a wimp?

Oh, can't you see, that I ain't got no backbone, poor me?

I woke up from the steely box, and I am a crybaby.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

An' what's worse, I was born with a bad asmtha problem.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

My love life's low

I teach self esteem on the go

Yet all I know is, I can't seem to teach my students.

Barch:

Oh, Timmy!!

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh no, no, no.

The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head.

The Lawndalians:

That ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

An' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery

An', can't you see, that I am the wimpiest teacher

in Lawndale?

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

O'Neill:

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:

Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime,

sha, la, la, la..........

(O'Neill comes to a stop at the control panel before Trent,

Jane and Brittany before Barch reaches him.)

Barch: You.......you MAN!! Well really......!! That

ain't no way to behave on your first day!!

O'Neill: Sorry. Guess I got carried away.

Barch: Sorry? SORRY?!? But since you're an exceptional

beauty, I've got to forgive you. Oh, I just love

success.

Trent: He's a credit to Alt. Lawndale. com.

Barch: Yes.

Jane: A triumph of Sick Sad World.

Barch: Yes.

Brittany: He's OK.

(Everyone stares at Brittany as if she had just

said something blasphemous.)

Brittany: What?

Barch: OK? OK?!? I think we can do better that that.

O'Neill: Then let's all say, "Brava, brava!!"

The Lawndalians: BRAVA!! BRAVA!!

Barch: So funny, I forgot to laugh.......(leads

O'Neill to Daria and Tom) So what do you think of him?

Tom: Someone call Ripley--as in Believe It Or Not.

Daria: Just what we need-------a wimpy version cross

twixt Upchuck and Mariah Carey, fortified with a touch

of Cameron Diaz for extra wimpiness.

Upchuck's voice: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr, fiesty.

Barch: I DIDN'T make him for you, DUH!! He (gesturing

at O'Neill) carries the Gloria Steinham seal of

approval!! (Leads O'Neill to a pile of books, each

with a tag reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SKINNY, while

singing the next tune)

I CAN MAKE YOU MY MAN

Parody of I Can Make You A Man

Performed by Janet Barch & The

Lawndalians

Barch:

A tough man, weighin' 200 pounds,

will get beat by his wife, when kicked

to the ground.

An' with cash as the source,

for the wife's divorce.......

The sweat from his pores, as the man

loses all.....

will make him cower an' fret,

an' with cringin', an' just a small bit

of re....gret....

He'll be toast, an' all set!!

He'll be a.......weak man!!

Oh darling----

Barch & The Lawndalians:

But a sneak man!!

Barch:

He'll bring me breakfast, in my bed,

an' take out the trash,

Try to pay alimony,

with bona fide cash

Such an effort,

if he only knew of my plan;

in just seven days--

Barch & The Lawndalians:

I can make you, my man.........!!

Barch:

He'll then booze it, an' lose it,

at poker, that jerk!!

He thinks romancin' women,

must be hard work.

Such riotous living----

I just don't understand----

When in just seven days,

oh Skinny----

I can make you, my man..............!!

(On the giant panel, a light labeled DEEP FREEZE

flashes, and the freezer door opens; cold fog swirls

out, while the sound of a motorcycle can be heard.)

Brittany: KEVVY!!

(From behind a wall of ice blocks in the freezer,

we hear Kevin Thomson.)

Kevin's voice: Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World,

uh, no, uh, POW!! BLAM!! KABLOOEY!! Ratboy rocks!!

NO!! That ain't it!! Now I remember.....!!

(The sound of a motorcyle starts up, and Kevin,

on a chopper, if not a hog, crashes through the ice

block wall, and Brittany climbs on, riding all over the

lab, just doing what Meat Loaf did in RHPS--you get

the idea.)

OH, SWEET BRITTANY, MAKE THE CALL

(That was the best I could do)

Parody of Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul

Perfomed by Kevin Thomson

Kevin:

Whatever happened to school football night?

I miss those days an' those ol' football plays

I had The Pigskin Channel an' Rat Boy.

Along came Brittany who made me her boy toy.

We used to bicker an' sometimes make out

until Janet Barch stepped in an' would shout:

"Beat it,Kevin!! You crummy male cur!!

Get outa here!!" SHEESH!! What a lousy grouch!!

Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!

(Despite herself, Barch picks up a saxophone

and plays a sax solo)

Kevin:

Tommy Sherman used to be a football star

To me, he was legend, so he was my hero,

but to the others, he was such a zero.

Yet they named a goalpost in his honor

He tried hit on Britt, THAT was so sick!!

No wonder he couldn't fit in anyone's clique

Worse still, he even put down The Misery Chick.

The goalpost fell!! NO!! Poor Tommy was dead!!

Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!

(repeat x12)

(While the tune nears the end, Brittany does her

cheerleader moves; taking the advantage, Barch

unsheaths two 7 foot samurai swords, and with inhuman

precision, hurls them like javelins----and they

impale through Kevin's heart. Soon after that, Kevin

falls down, dead. After the tune finishes, Brittany

sees what happened to Kevin, shrieks, runs to his dead

form, and cries.)

Barch: One for the Lawndale Morgue.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My poor Kevvy!!!!!!!!

Barch: Don't be upset......it was just a mercy kill.

Besides, he's with the winners now.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (to Barch)

You're so mean!!!! (Kicks Barch in the stomach before

she hightails it from the lab.)

Barch: OOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!! Stupid ungrateful brat!!

O'Neill: Now THAT must hurt.

(Barch recovers and turns to O'Neill.)

Barch: Oh,Timmy!! Please understand.........he had a

naive followin', but.........no wimpiness.

Daria: That is sure to set Mary Shelley back 1200 years.

Tom: Not to mention Hollywood.

(Trent and Jane approach Barch and help her out from her

smock, and we can see she's still in her black satin

bustier, panty and thigh highs, while she sings the

next tune.)

I CAN MAKE YOU MY MAN (REPRISE)

Parody of I Can Make You A Man (Reprise)

Perfomed by Janet Barch, Daria Morgendorffer,

& The Lawndalians

Barch:

But a..........lawyer an' a, black eye

A lawsuit, an' a good cry

It makes me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shake!!

It makes me wanna take Jill Sobule, by the

........HAND!!

Barch & The Lawndalians:

In just seven days.......I can

make you, my man!!

Barch:

I don't want no, dissension--

just, male hatin', tension.

Daria:

I am a wimpy man.

Barch & The Lawndalians:

In just seven days, I can make you,

my man!!

Dig it--------if you ca--an!!

In just seven days, I can make you,

my MAN!!

(The recessional version of the wedding march plays,

and arm in arm, Barch and O'Neill march to the curtained

passage which is now open, revealing a four poster bed;

behind it, a stained glass window of Billie Jean King. The

Lawndalians flank Barch and O'Neill, while tossing rice.)

The Lawndalians (chanting): Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!

Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!! Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!

Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!

Daria: Good grief, not them too!!

Tom: Must've seen the same show.

(Just before the curtain closes, we see Barch punch

O'Neill in the stomach.)

(It's back to Defoe's art room, where she is studying

the cover art of The Electric Light Orchestra's Out Of

The Blue album, before she turns to the camera.)

Defoe: They're those that believe that say life is an

illusion, and that reality is but a pigment----uh, I mean

figment of the imagination. Such imagination was what

resulted in the fantastic work Shushei Nagaoka did for

The Electric Light Orchestra, Earth, Wind & Fire and

The Jefferson Starship. If that is so, then Tom and

Daria were quite safe. However the sudden departure

of Ms. Barch....and her creation.......in the seclusion

of her suite had left them looking foward to seeing Sick

Sad World on the TV before hitting the hay, yet fearing; a

feeling which grew when the Lawndalians departed, and they

were shown to their seperate rooms.

CHAPTER 4: Betrayal's just a game

(Brittany shows Daria and Tom each to a room;

Daria's is lit up with red light, while Tom's is

lit up with green. Meanwhile, in the lab, Trent and

Jane stare at one of the control panel's TV screens,

which via camera survallience system, spy on Daria's

room, where we see only a silhouette of our bespecticled

heroine. Then a door opens and closes, and we see another

silhouette, who approaches Daria, and tickles her feet.)

Daria: Tom!! Tom, stop that!! I am ticklish!! Stop it!!

Ok, I warned you!!

(Daria heads to the figure----and recoils in shock at

who the tickler is)

Daria (gasps): Ms. Barch!! YOU?!?

Barch: Yep--------but ain't love just grand? (Tries to

kiss Daria, who gets up.)

Daria: OK, what chuu do with Tom? 'Sides, you ain't the

only one that learned the Take Back The Night self

defense program.

Barch: Not a thing-----only I don't see why'd you'd

hang with.....that.......MAN!!

Daria: Why not? It'd be better than makin' out with a

Nicole Kidman clone on steroids like you.

Barch: Grr...you're a traitor to your own

gender..........

Daria: Even if I beat you at cards?

Barch: 7 card stud.

(Back in the lab, Trent and Jane sneak up in Barch's

suite, where O'Neill is sleeping. The Lane siblings

exchange grins before the two jump up, and make

noises off, which scares O'Neill.)

Jane & Trent: BOOGIE,BOOGIE,BOOGIE,

BOOGIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O'Neill: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! BLAME IT

ON THE BOOGIE!!!!!!! HELLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!

(O'Neill hightails it to the elevator; soon after

that, he is in the pouring rain, running while we hear

Napolean XIV doing They're Coming To Take Me Away.

Meanwhile,in Tom's room, Barch arrives on the scene,

and uses a belt to whip Tom.)

Tom: OUCH!! Daria, stop!! That hurts!! I thought

you loved me!!

Barch: I ain't Daria........you...................

you MAN!! (Laughs dementedly)

Tom: Oh, me!! Barch!! What chuu do with Daria.......as

if I didn't know.

Barch: Not a thing, male lowlife scum!! I waited a long

time to put you through the wringer in the worst way.

Tom: Listen, just beacause your spouse left you years ago,

don't mean you got to take it out on every male you meet.

Barch: Like hell!! I don't give a hang 'bout that!! All

males,they're like weapons on two feet!! And I could

take em' all in any way, any place,any time,

anywhere.I can even beat them at cards!!

Tom: How 'bout 7 card stud?

Barch: You're goin' down, male pig. (laughs triumphntly

while dealing out the cards.)

(Just then, on a nearby TV screen, the image of Trent

Lane comes onscreen.)

Trent: Hey, J.B. , we got a problem.

Barch: SHADDAP, TRENT!!

Trent: No, YOU shaddap!! O'Neill flew the coop, but

Janey's got the dogs on his trail.

Barch: WHAT?!? My Skinny!! Hop to it then, male slime!!

I'll be there soon as I can!!

(Outside in the rain, while The Baha Men's Who Let The

Dogs Out plays, O'Neill is running for his life, with

a pack of dogs on his tail. Meanwhile, in the main

foyer, Daria is wandering the halls before heading to

the elevator.)

Daria: Boy----not a decent thing to eat here......I

wonder if Sick Sad World is on tonight? (Enters the

elevator, and goes up to the lab level, where she heads

to the main control panel.)

Daria (continued): If only the tires didn't go flat

.........if only it didn't rain........if only there

never were a Beavis and Butt Head.........if only our

show never got canceled......what'd they do to Tom?

(Spotting one of the screens, Daria pushes a series of

buttons, and the image of Tom and Barch playing 7 card

stud comes onscreen.)

Daria (sobbing): Tom.......!! First Trent, and now

you.......!! I hope the Sick Sad World staffers

take notes.......

(From the Cres-Cor cabinet, we hear O'Neill's

voice.)

O'Neill's voice: Is that you, Daria? Got any Band

Aids?

(Heading to the cabinet, Daria opens its door,

and sees a sobbing O'Neil, one leg bleeding from

some cuts.)

Daria: I told you, if you play with Ms. Barch,

you get hurt.

O'Neill: That wasn't Janet------I cut myself on

the rose bushes tryin' to escape those stupid

steel jawed mutts. What kind of man am I? I only

wanted to be loved, and an' now.......(cries)

Daria: Maybe I can help. (Reaches in her vest

pocket and comes up with a handful of Band Aids,

before applying them to the cuts.)

O'Neill: Thanks. I just wish those Lawndalians

hadn't done that "Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha." chant

----it's so.......icky......

Daria: Amen. The only two people that chanted

that to me, not to mention called me Diarrhea

were the biggest losers that thought of sex and

girls, during my years in Highland High--and

Beavis and Butt Head were their names.

O'Neill: Butt Head?

Daria: His mom was high on morhpine at the time

O'Neill: Can you explain that?

(Back in the art room, Claire Defoe exmaines Brittany's

art fair winning painting from Arts & Crass, before

turning back to the camera.)

Defoe: Emotion.........love........cynicism

.........agitation......disturbance of the mind;

it's a strong form of mind control.........and

from what Jane and Brittany saw on their TV

survellance screen, there was no doubt--sorry,

Gwen--that Daria was still the same cynic she was

before.

(Inside Brittany's room, decorated with posters of

Kevin, along with other cheerleaders, we see Brittany,

in a pengoir, and Jane, in a chemise, lounging on

the bed, seeing Daria talk with O'Neill on their TV

screen.)

Brittany & Jane: Tell us 'bout it, Daria. (They laugh)

(Back at the lab, Daria does her tune while O'Neill

sips a cup of java.)

DON'T TOUCH-A, TOUCH-A, TOUCH ME

Parody of Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me

Performed by Daria Morgendorffer,

Brittany Taylor & Jane Lane

Daria:

I was feelin' bland, in Highland

I thought it couldn't get worse then.

Brittany:

You mean they........?

Jane:

Uh huh....

Daria:

Until Beavis and Butt Head

came to Highland High, well, 'nuff said

An' then that led to trouble

an'.........much dread.

All they think of is sex----an' what's worse, girls

Those peons don't know how to score.

Brittany & Jane:

Score, score, score.

Daria:

To them, I say, "No way!!

You guys, just go away!!"

I can't stand them at all

so to them, I say:

"Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,

I don't wanna be dirty.

Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.

you're both just losers."

Go back to Highland High, on the sly

lest I kick you outa my town.

Brittany & Jane:

Town, town, town.

Daria:

Your "Huh, huh, huh, huh." ain't no

fraction to get my attraction.

I wanna get a life, an' you want action.

Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,

I don't wanna be dirty.

Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.

you're both just losers.

(Back to Brittany and Jane who sing along to the

stupid tune, making a mockery of it)

Brittany:

Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me. (kisses Jane)

Jane:

I don't wanna be dirty. (blows a raspberry)

Brittany:

Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.

(kisses Jane on both face cheeks)

Jane:

You're both just losers. (plays with Brittany's pig tails)

(Back to the lab with Daria, who sings her soul

out, while O'Neill plays cat's cradle.)

Daria:

Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,

I don't wanna be dirty.

Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.

you're both just losers.

(Here's where the toilet bowl shot takes place,

in which everyone gets to do their own line.)

Brittany:

Beavis and Butt-Head are not real.

Jane:

They are stupid cartoon people completely

made up by this Texas guy whom we hardly

even know.

Barch:

Beavis and Butt-Head are dumb, crude,

thoughtless, ugly, sexist, self-destructive

fools.

Trent:

But for some reason, the little

stupidheads make us laugh.

Tom:

No wonder Daria left Highland.

O'Neill:

Butt Head?

Barch:

Go figure, Skinny.

Daria:

You're both just losers.

(One hour later in the lab. We don't see Daria, nor

O'Neill anywhere, but the elevator door opens, and

Trent runs out, with an irate Barch, who is whipping

the slacker with a guitar string. Tom comes on behind

Barch, out into the lab, and Trent is cowering on the

floor, while Barch savagely whips his hide with the

string.)

Trent: OW!! OWWWWW!! OW!! YEE-OUCH!! MERCY!! That

string's from my Fender Stratocaster!!

Barch: How did it happen?!? I THOUGHT you understood

that you were to keep an eye on him, you.......you MAN!!!!

Trent: So I was on my coffee break.

Barch: Then see if you can locate him on the survellance

system.

(Trent, with Barch and Tom in tow, hightails to

the giant control panel, and after pushing several

buttons, one of the screens comes on. It shows the

main foyer, where someone is standing near the

stairs----and it's Quinn,in her pink blouse with

the gold butterfly and her trademark jeans.)

Trent: Barch, we've got a visitor.

Tom: Hey, it's Quinn. (Barch and Trent stare at him.)

Quinn Morgendorffer.

Trent: You know that Terran-----uh, I mean person?

Tom: I should say so!! She's Daria's sister.

(Upon hearing that, Brach glowers at Tom.)

Barch: I see..........so it wasn't simply a chance

meeting. You came here on purpose.......you MAN!!

Tom: I told you me an' Daria wound up with four flat

tires. I told you the truth!!

Barch: FOOL!! You think I'd believe in a male parasite

like YOU?!? 'Sides, I know what you told me, but that

Quinn Morgendorffer.......her name ain't unknown to me.

Tom: She and Daria went to Lawndale High.......sure

you'd know her.

Barch:And she also dated the 3 J's, a.k.a., the

male slimebugs of planet Earth, didn't she, Tom?

(shoves Tom roughly) She's yet another traitor to

her own gender, just like her sister Daria!! Ain't

that right, Tom?!? (Shoves Tom who falls on his butt.)

Tom (after getting his second wind): Could be.

Trent: The intruder is heading up the stairs, Barch.

Barch: She'll probably be....in the Susan B. Anthony room.

(We see Quinn in a room featuring paintings of the

female crusader of women's rights to vote, while

The Squirrel Nut Zippers' Anything But Love plays.

Back at the lab, Barch reaches for a switch marked

UNIVERSAL TRACTOR BEAM.)

Barch: Shalt we inquire of her in person?

(Barch pulls the switch, and a steel plate pops

out from the wall on the right hand side of the

freezer door. A deep bass like humming sound comes from

it, its magnetic field reaching out till it attracts

itself onto Quinn's belt buckle, and pulls her down the

halls of the building.)

Quinn: YIPE!!

(While The Electric Light Orchestra's Don't Bring Me

Down plays, the force of the tractor beam pulls Quinn

through the hall, past Jane and Brittany, down several

more halls, before she crashes through the wall of the

lab.)

Quinn: EW!! PLASTER!!

Tom: Great Scott!! UH!! I mean, Quinn!!

(While toilet paper flies everywhere, the tractor beam

pulls Quinn down the stairs, before she winds up

stuck on the plate with a clang.)

Quinn: Ms. Janet Barch, we finally meet. Thanks to you,

your tacky move got me drenched in plaster!!

Tom (shaking Quinn's hand): Quinn!!

Quinn: Tom!! What chuu doin' here?

Barch (to Quinn): Don't play head games with me, you

fellow traitor to your gender, a.k.a. , Quinn M.!!

You know why your sister and her parasite of a boyfriend

would be here!! That they would check my citidel for

you an' your.........fellow hooligans!! Well,

unforutnately for you all, the plans will be changed.

I am quite adaptable.

Quinn: Well, the thought did cross my mind, but no.

I've come to search for Kevin.

Tom: Kevin!! Barch put him through the wringer.

Barch: Kevin!! I had to!! What do you know of Kevin?

Quinn: He an' I did a science project with Daria.

(Barch pauses for a moment before turning off the

tractor beam; Quinn falls off the plate, on her butt.

And that is when we hear the voices of Daria and O'Neill

coming from the Cres-Cor Crown-X cabinet.)

Daria's voice: Four of a kind!!

O'Neill's voice: Oh,foo!!

(Barch walks up to the cabinet and opens its door;

inside, using a flashlight, is Daria and O'Neill

playing 7 card stud.)

O'Neill: Oops!!

Daria: Yipe!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

(Furious, Barch pulls O'Neill out from the cabinet

by his tank top, and glowers in his face.)

Barch: You......you MAN!! You're just like my sugar

pig spouse, when he left me!! Listen---------I made

you, an' I can break you easily!!

O'Neill: You can't blame me for trying.

(Just then, Jane, back in her maid uniform, bangs a gong.)

Jane: Barch, dinner is prepared. It's pepperoni pizza

with soda pop.

Quinn: Got any low fat no cheese pizza with diet soda?

Jane: Sure thing, girly girl.

Quinn: WHOO-HOO!! Thanks!!

Barch: Well done. Under the circumstances....... (to

Daria,in her sleep wear.) formal dress is to be optional.

(Back to Defoe's art room, where Defoe is inspecting some

paintings of bowls of fruit in still life projects,

including Jane's painting of bloodied soldiers from

Daria Dance Party. Then she returns her attention

to the camera.)

Defoe: Food always played a major role in life's rituals:

the breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemmed

person, and now, that meal of Barch's. However

informal it may seem, you can be sure that there

was to be scarcely any meaning----or was there?

(Barch and co. settle down to a table while Trent and Jane

serve the pizza, soda, and birthday party hats.)

O'Neill: Come on, let's eat!! Stuff's s'posed to make me hungry!!

Barch: First things first. Everyone get your party hats on. (Everyone does

so, while Barch lifts her soda can to a toast.) A toast.......

to hooligan friends.

All: To hooligan friends.

Barch: And Timmy here. (Points to O'Neill.) Everyone got

your party hats on?

All: YUP!!

Barch: Then let's get started. (Blows a horn and clasps her

palms in prayer.)

Daria: Beats lasanga anytime.

Tom: My family eats filet migon.

Barch:

Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to Skinny,

happy birthday to you,

an' many more, until the war.

Daria: To my sweathog, hapee burd doo.

Barch: Says you. Shalt we?

Quinn: Hey, what 'bout Kevin?

Brittany: Kevvy?

Barch:A rather tender subject.

Brittany: Pardon me. (To O'Neill) You can have my slice.

O'Neill: Thanks!!

(Brittany gets up and exits, closing the doors; a few

seconds,we hear her switching to crybaby mode.)

Brittany's voice (sobbing): OH----------------------------NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(Cries big time.)

Jane: What a crybaby. Let's put her outa her misery.

Trent: Hey, Janey, don't give the plot away.

Jane: Sorry.

Quinn: I knew he was in a bad crowd, but he WAS the QB.

Dumb aliens!!

O'Neill: Huh?

Daria & Tom: Quinn?

Barch: Go on Quinn.

CHAPTER 5: Worse comes to worst

(Quinn stands up, and after a pause for emphisis, starts.)

KEVIN

Parody of Eddie

Performed by Quinn & Daria Morgendorffer,

Claire Defoe, Janet Barch & Brittany Taylor

Quinn:

From the day he was born,

he was born STUU----PID.

He was the beau of Britt

Taylor.

We gave it our all......

(Change to Defoe's room.)

Defoe:

........but all he could do was just play football.

(Back to Quinn.)

Quinn:

He took his Rat Boy comics that day.

High school football he'd play

All he wanted, was his Brittany,

an' to be the QB.

What a nut.......

Defoe:

He was the QB, yet he tried to be all he could be.

Quinn:

Poor Kevin an' Brittany.......!!

All:

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,

we knew we had a great big zero

But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

Barch:

What a wimp!!

Daria:

He ain't no gimp

Quinn:

An' I told you so.

(In her room, Brittany mourns for Kevin.)

Brittany:

Everyone envied me, my Kevvy truly loved me.

Even when we fight, it don't matter to me.

I told Kevvy to stay an' kiss up with me,

but he was smitten by Angie without warnin' me!!

Quinn:

Yet some dumb thing must've scared him

for he just warned me in a note that reads.....

All:

What's it say?

Kevin's voice:

"Help!! Ms. Barch just shanghaied me!!

Oh, hurry, for time's up for the QB

They musn't begin their unholy crummy deed!!"

(Sound of Kevin's scream)

All:

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,

we knew we had a great big zero

But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

Barch:

What a wimp!!

Daria:

He ain't no gimp

Quinn:

An' I told you so.

All:

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,

we knew we had a great big zero

But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

Barch:

What a wimp!!

Daria:

He ain't no gimp

Quinn:

An' I told you so.

(An irate Barch stands up, and glares at Quinn.)

Barch: I thought so.........a definite traitor to

your own gender. You think you're so popular......well,

here's what I think!!

(Barch pulls off the tablecloth, revealing the dead Kevin,

disembowelled from the samurai sword attack, under glass.

Naturally Quinn lets out a 15 decibel scream, O'Neill

freaks out, and Daria's eyes bug out.)

Daria: Hating males is one thing, but........alert

Sick Sad World......!!

Quinn: EW!! A dead bloody body!!

O'Neill: A dead body?!? LEMME OUTA HERE!!

(Runs to Daria and hangs on to her----THAT truly

enrages Barch.)

Barch: Oh, Skinny!! How could you?!?

O'Neill: Easy----I got scared.

Daria: Listen, it wasn't my fault.I can't help it

if I was born to be The Misery Chick.

Barch: Then, let's put YOU out of YOUR misery!!

(Barch unsheaths the same swords used to stab Kevin,

and chases Daria down the hall to the lab, with Tom,

Quinn, and the rest coming on behind.)

STARIA TARIA DARIA

Parody of Planet Shmanet Janet

Performed by Janet Barch, Daria

& Quinn Morgendorffer, Tom Sloane

& Claire Defoe

Barch:

I just told you----an' I just told them

You'd best wise up--------Daria M.

You think your show, was the creme

de la creme.

You'd best wise up---------Daria M.

You ain't first rate, so I say you just get it straight

So it's no wonder, you made a blunder, an' dated

Trent Lane.

An' then Tom Sloane, he chose you 'stead of Jane.

(Finally everyone is in Barch's lab, with the said

Barch at the control panel.)

Barch (continued):

I've got one trick, you misery chick.

You'd best wise up------------Daria M.

My paralyzer, will hypnotize ya.

(Barch reaches for, and pushes a button marked NEURO

PARALYZER; Daria, Tom and Quinn instantly become

immobilized, their feet rooted to the lab floor.)

Daria: Yipe!! I can't move my feet!!

Tom: Me neither!!

Quinn: Me neither, neither!!

Barch: No kiddin'!! It's somethin' you can get used to.

Quinn: Not when you consider the fact 'bout your

digital transmat beam system.

Daria: Say what?

Quinn: Somethin' some of the cute guys in the computer

lab in Lawndale High was workin' on, absolutely top secret

--only now, Barch an' her bunch know how to build it.

It's a digital matter transmitter which digitizes

any matter, an' broadcasts it through space an' time.

Tom: Wow.......!! It's the first brainy thing

you've said, Quinn.

Daria: Maybe you DID learn somethin' from me.

Quinn (blushing): Gee, thanks, Daria.......(laughs)

Barch (to Daria):

Staria, taria, Daria!!

You'd best wise up, Ms. Daria Spice.

You'd best wise up, it's no surprise

You'd best wise up.

(Back to Defoe)

Defoe:

And then she called out:

(Back to Daria)

Daria:

Hey!!

Barch:

Don't be so el stupido!!

Cynics like you have got to go.

Tom:

You're a cruel gal, but you'd best try

to respect her, Ms. Janet Barch.

(Producing a remote control box with a lot of

buttons on it, Barch aims it at Tom, and pushes

a red button marked MEDUSA; with a zap of flashing

light, Tom is turned into a statue.)

Quinn:

You're a cruel witch, but you'd best try

to respect her, Ms. Janet Barch.

(Barch turns Quinn into a statue.)

Daria:

You're a cruel dame--

(Barch turns Daria into a statue, before smirking

in triumph-----and that is when Brittany arrives on

the scene.)

Brittany: EEP!! That does it!! I can't take it no

more!! First you rub out my Kevvy, then you take

advantage of people, an' get rid of them!! An' what's

worse, you've been maltreatin' your male students for

years, that they've formed a Get Rid of Janet Barch

Or Else Club!! An' you've been doin' so, from the first

season of our show, to Is It Collage Yet? I've had it!!

You've got to choose twixt me an' O'Neill an' your male

hatin' tyranny!!

(In reply, Barch turns Brittany into a statue,

just as O'Neill, who turns off the paralyzer,

freaks out at what he sees.)

O'Neill: Janet, no, stop!! You've gone bananas!!

Barch: Et tu, Skinny? You're next!!

(You guessed it----in a flash, O'Neill is

turned into a statue.)

Barch: It ain't easy havin' a good time, or words

to that effect. Even smilin' makes my face hurt, which

is why I scowl all the time........an' my students

turn against me. My Timmy's actin' just the way my

no good hubby did. (To Trent and Jane) Do you think

MTV made a mistake in closin' down its animation section?

Jane: Ah, who cares 'bout that? When do we go

back to Pennsylvania?

Barch: Jane, I am indeed grateful to you an' your

scum brain bro Trent. You've both served me well.

Loyalty like yours should be rewarded.You may

discover, when the mood takes me, I may be generous.

Unless it's for a parasite of a man----an' then I get

GROUCHY!!

Jane: Just art supplies is all I ask.

Trent: An' guitar strings.

Barch: Whatever.......It's time for

the floor show!! (enters the elevator.)

6TH & LAST CHAPTER: Regards to Barch

(Back in Defoe's art room, we see the said art

teacher appraise a painting of Jane's--a painting

depicting the Moulin Rouge in flames, and hit with

an H bomb. After that, Defoe turns back to the camera.)

Defoe: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence,

fate, it seemed, had decided that Daria and Tom should

keep that appointment with Quinn, but it was to be in a

situation which none of them had possibly forseen.

And in just a few hours, after announcing their engagement,

Tom and Daria had been tempted by forbidden fruit,

which was of the shallow, and the popular.

That, in itself, was proof that Ms. Janet Barch was a woman

of less morals----and some persuasion. What further

indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of

the floor show that is spoken of? In a huge mystery

citadel? At night? What diabolical plan had been formed

in Barch's crazed, if not perverted, mind? What indeed?

From what had gone before, there was no doubt that it

would be no picnic----for Barch had indeed, come up

with an unholy ambition to rival the video that Mya,

Lil' Kim, Pink and Cristina Aguliera did for the

Moulin Rouge soundtrack........and now, the moment

you've been waiting for...........the final

finale........!!

(In the vast theater section of the citadel, Barch,

now in a gold bustier, black panty, and black thigh highs,

is finishing dressing the statues in black satin bustiers,

panty and thigh high sets. In one hand is the remote control

unit she used to turn our Lawndalians into statues in the

first place; the only difference is that Barch's thumb is

poised over a green button marked DE-MEDUSA. Just as the

tune starts, Barch aims the remote at Brittany, and pushes

the green button, and Brittany is back to her human self----

only she ain't wearing anything but the bustier/panty/

thigh high set. That done, the B-gal sings.)

THE FLOOR SHOW:

(A) LAWNDALE MY WORLD (maybe it don't make sense,

but hey....!!)

Parody of Rose Tint My World

Performed by Brittany Taylor,

Timothy O'Neill, Tom Sloane

& Daria Morgendorffer

Brittany:

It was cool whan it all began

I was a cheerleader with no tan

But it was gone when I met the woman

who would soon hold my mind in her hand

Now the only thing that makes me see

is sayin' "EEP!!" an' my Kevvy.

Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch then turns O'Neill to human form.)

O'Neill:

I never wanted to be a wimp

but it's better than livin' as a gimp

I look like a silly goon

But Ms. Barch just might punch me to

the moon

Now the only thing that makes me stay

is doin' stuff, Janet's own way

Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch aims the remote at Tom and changes

him back.)

Tom:

It's beyond me, I just don't dig it

I'll be silent, for Barch

Poor Daria.

We're all cuckoo

What's that? Oh no!!

It's a bustier!!

YIPE!! Where'd we wind up,

Fredricks of Lawndale?

(Barch aims the remote at Daria and pushes the green

button; you guessed it.)

Daria:

Alert Sick Sad World, for every boy an' girl!!

My hair's just been curled, lipstick's on my mouth.

Shades of Quinn, I am sexy; shallowness is near

There goes my reputation; what would MTV say now?

It's the worst!! Save the cynics!!

Pagin' The Fashion Club.........!!

(Behind Barch and co. , the curtains open, revealing

a swimming pool, with a mosaic pattern of Ellen

DeGeneres; behind the pool, is a giant Women's Lib

logo. Above the logo is: FOR THE LADY LIVING ALONE:

Below the logo: TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!!)

(B) DON'T FREAK OUT

Parody of Don't Dream It

Performed by Janet Barch, Brittany

Taylor, Timothy O'Neill, Daria &

Quinn Morgendorffer & Tom Sloane

Barch:

Whatever happened to Angela Li?

That four eyed pantsuited fool.

She made, on the sly

big plans for Laaaaaaawndale High

for all she cared for was just money

Give yourself over to the power of

Ms. Barch

Swim the hot waters, it ain't got no starch

Male hatin' nightmares, beyond any measure

an' rulin' Lawndale High is yours to treasure.

Forever.......can't you just see it? Oh....oh....

oh........oh!!

(Barch jumps in the pool, and is on a float.)

Barch:

Don't freak out, just seek out

(repeat x4)

Daria, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Don't freak out, just seek out

(repeat x4)

(Daria, Tom, O'Neill and Brittany all jump in the pool,

mindlessly shooting each other with water squirt guns.

At that moment, Barch turns to Quinn, aims the remote

at her, and pushes the green button, turning her back

into a human.)

Quinn (spoken):

What's happened to them?

I've got to get them outa that place

before they're transmatted to some

geeky place.

I've got to be strong an' hang on

or else I might as well be......EW!!

(Upon discovering what she's wearing, Quinn gasps.)

Quinn (spoken):

How'd I wind up with THAT?!? (Shrugs) At

least it meets The Fashion Club's standards.

(Quinn wastes no time in jumping in the pool.)

Tom:

Oh my oh me!! We still don't get it!!

Daria:

Janet Barch is a sexist.

(Suddenly, Barch jumps up in the water.)

Parody of A Wild & Untamed Thing

Performed by Janet Barch, Timothy O'Neill,

Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer, Tom Sloane,

Brittany Taylor & Trent Lane

(While Barch sings, the others make like they're

in a water show, al la Esther Williams.)

Barch:

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,

my, my!!

I am a wild an' a grouchy thing

A queen bee with a lethal sting

I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring

For it's trouble that I will bring

So let the party in Lawndale rock on

We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn

Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch and co. all jump out from the pool, and

head for the front part of the stage, doing the

dance from RHPS.)

Barch, O'Neill, Brittany, Daria, Quinn & Tom:

I am a wild an' a grouchy thing

A queen bee with a lethal sting

I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring

For it's trouble that I will bring

So let the party in Lawndale rock on

We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn

Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(While Barch plays her sax with passion, Quinn does

a can can dance while Brittany does her cheerleader

acrobatics right down to her splits.)

Barch, O'Neill, Brittany, Daria, Quinn & Tom:

I am a wild an' a grouchy thing

A queen bee with a lethal sting

I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring

For it's trouble that I will bring

So let the party in Lawndale rock on

We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn,

dawn, dawn

Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Suddenly the double doors of the theater facing the

stage burst open, and Jane and Trent, wearing the gold

and black space outfits worn by Riff Raff and Mangenta

in RHPS step in. They're also carrying 5 foot long

black colored steel rifle type weapons with huge triggers,

laser sights and a machine gun type muzzle-----words

just don't describe them. Anyhow, Trent states to Barch,

which is also my fave part in RHPS.)

Trent:

Ms. Janet Barch, it's all over!!

You're nuttin' but a bully!!

Your bigotry's extreme.

As your former student,

you're bound for unemployment!!

We return to Pennsylvania.

Prepare the transit beam........!!

Barch: Shaddap Trent!!

Trent: No, YOU shaddap, you hypocrite male hatin'

teacher!! It's all over but the shoutin'.

Jane: There's two of us an' one of you, which means the

odds stand on our side.

Barch: But with my marital arts training in my Take

Back The Night project, I can reduce those odds.

Trent: Not when we've got these.

(He and Jane aim their rifles at Barch, who, discovering

the jig is up, freaks out. Jane turns to go, but Barch

calls out.)

Barch: Wait!! I can explain everything.......!!

(To O'Neill and Brittany) Skinny, Brittany,

switch on the lights.

O'Neill & Brittany: OK, boss.

(The spotlights settle on Barch, who does a

stirring perfomance.)

I'VE JUST BEEN FIRED

Parody of I Am Going Home

Performed by Janet Barch

Barch:

On the day, I went away.....

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Goodby.......

Barch:

was all Ms. Li had to say...

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Now I .......

Barch:

am on the bread line, like my spouse.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Oh, my, my.......

Barch:

I just wanna track down that

crummy louse........!!

For I've seen.........gray skies!!

An' the hate in my eyes.

An' I realize........I've just been fired.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

I've just been fired.

(Barch stands up; in her mind, she can

see all the Lawndalians seated in the audience.)

Barch:

Everywhere, the Lawndale Lions shout out "Shame!!"

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Feelin'.............

Barch:

Like a harpy in the rain

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Treatin'.........

Barch:

Male students like trash, just like on The

Blame Game.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Dealin'..........

Barch:

Cards for Trent an' cards for Jane.

For I've seen...........gray skies!!

An' the hate in my eyes.

An' I realize...........I've just been fired.

Barch, Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

I've just been fired

I've just been..........fired..........

(Thunderous applause fills the theater till it's

replaced by the sound of faint howling wind-------

just as Jane's voice breaks into Barch's reverie.)

Jane: How sentimental........

(You can imagine Barch's shock when she sees the

audience seats empty; only Jane and Trent remain,

and they waste no time in approaching the sadist

teacher.)

Trent: An' also presumptuous of you.

Barch: Shaddap, Trent!!

Trent: No, YOU shaddap. In fact you've said that to me an'

every male student of Lawndale High for the last time

----an' with good reason; y'see, when I said we'd return

to Pennsylvania, I referred ONLY to Janey an' me. Sorry

if my statement was misleading, but YOU were to remain

here in Lawndale......(Trent aims his rifle at Barch)

.........in spirit anyway.......

Quinn: YIPE!! It's a phaser!!

Trent: Right, Quinn. Phaser, short for PHASed Energy

Rectification. Behold our digital xenon strobe 7000

caliber phaser rifle, capable of emitting hyper lethal

ion pulse phaser firepower, fortified with energy from

the decibels of Metallica, Rammstein, Powerman 5000, an'

Megadeth----so now, you know.

Daria: And knowing is half the battle.

Jane: Good one, Daria. (Laughs)

Tom: Y-you mean you're going to kill her?

(points to Barch)

Trent: What do you think?

Tom: I should know better, but what was her crime?

Quinn: You should know, T.S. , DUH!! You saw what

happened to Kevin. That, an' the way she treated the

3 J's at Lawndale High!! She deserves it!! The world

must be protected----even if it means resorting to so

called necessary evils.

Trent: Exactly, Quinn. Good one though. (Laugh/coughs.)

Daria: I got to admit, it's the second brainy thing you said.

Quinn: Gee, thanks. (Laughs while she blushes.)

Trent (to Barch): An' now, Janet Barch, for all

the male students of Lawndale High, your time

hath come. Say adios to (he gestures with his rifle)

all that.......an' hola......to oblivion.

(Without warning, a shrieking Brittany runs in

between the Lane siblings and Barch.)

Brittany (Shrieking): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Stop!! There'll be no deaths here!! STOP!!!!!

Jane: Now can we put her out of her misery?

Trent: Make it so, Number One.

Jane: Aye, aye, Captain------settin' the phasers to kill.

(Jane and Trent aim their rifles at Brittany and fire

salvo after salvo of phaserbolts which impale her heart;

she falls to the floor, convulsing.)

Brittany (gasping): Hang on, Kevvy........I am

comin' to join you........!! S-see you in Hell......!!

(Collapses to the floor, dead; soon after that, the

Lanes take aim at Barch.)

Trent: Now, Barch........you!!

Barch:Oh-oh.......................!!

(Barch runs for the back of the stage and climbs

the Women's Lib logo, only for Jane and Trent to

shoot her down. Dying, she falls into the pool.)

O'Neill: Oh my gosh!! You killed Janet!! You bastard!!

(As you can guess, O'Neill retrieves Barch's dead

body from the pool, and carrying her, tries to

climb the logo; to cut a long story short,

Jane and Trent fire over 24 phaserbolts before

O'Neill meets the same fate as Barch. Their dead

bodies now float in the pool.)

Daria: I call that a 9.4 on the Olympic score.

Quinn: EW!! Dead bodies again!!

Jane: I thought you liked them.

They liked you.

Trent (shouting): THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME!!

SHE NEVER LIKED ME!!

Daria: That Barch never liked the males

at Lawndale High either.

Tom: Even after MTV got rid of our show,

you two did what no one could do------you

finally got rid of that sadist teacher.

Quinn: AAAAA-MEN!! You did good. For artsy

folks, you're OK by me.

Trent: Quinn, we're sorry 'bout Kevin.

Jane: Ditto. Don't worry 'bout the bodies,

we'll deal with them. All your clothing an'

your stuff is waitin' in the main foyer.

Trent: Amen, Janey. (to Quinn) You should leave,

Quinn, while you still can. We're 'bout to beam

the citadel to the planet Mystik in the galaxy

of Pennsylvania. Go.......(gestures with his

rifle.) Now!!

Daria: Step on it, all of you, they ain't jokin' !!

Tom: I hope I get paid big time at MTV's offices.

Quinn: Feets, don't fail me now.

(After Tom, Daria and Quinn hightail it out

from the theater, Trent and Jane grin at each other.)

Trent: Our noble mission is completed,

my most artful sis, an' soon we will return

to the grunge an' Alterna Palooza sound of our beloved planet.

Jane: Ah, sweet Mystik, land of art an' rock.

To sing an' dance once more to Mystik Sprial's

refrain.......to deal with that------strum to the right.....

(We see the Lawndalians dance in the

ballroom, then we switch back to Trent and Jane.)

Trent & Jane: YO!!

Trent:......an' with those decibels.......

(Back to the Lawndalians.)

The Lawndalians: It's sure to drive you insane.....!!

Jane: An' our world........

(Back to the Lanes.)

Jane (continued):.....will head to The Sprial Warp......again!!

(The Lanes laugh crazily while outside,

Daria, Tom and Quinn, carrying their stuff and

clothing can be seen outside the citadel.

Ahead, we see the dead bodies of Barch, O'Neill,

Brittany and Kevin; from of the citadel's

buildings, a phaser cannon takes aim,

and opens fire, turing the dead into

a roaring funeral pyre.)

Quinn: EW!!!!

Daria: Sure saves a lot on funeral expenses.

(At that moment, the citadel, high

wall and all, rises up several feet, a

transparent green sphere forms,

enveloping the whole kit and kaboodle,

before taking off fast like a rocket,

hurtling up in the sky till it's gone.)

Daria: What an exit. Well, let's go into

the sunrise.

Tom: How? Remember, I've got four

flat tires.

Quinn: Quinn to the rescue--------

follow me.

(Quinn leads Daria and Tom to where

Sandi's car is waiting.)

Tom: Ain't that Sandi's car?

Quinn: Yup. I borrowed it from her, in

exchange for my back issues of Waif.

Daria: You mean you can drive legally?

Quinn: Gosh, Daria, what do you think people

do on dates? Besides, don't you remember?

The Fashion Club an' Aunt Amy taught me to

drive till I got my license.

Daria: (sigh) Go figure. Let's go.

(And so, with Quinn at the wheel, she, Daria

and Tom head back to Lawndale, into the rising

sun of morning in triumph.)

DARIA'S HEROES

Parody of Super Heroes

Performed by Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer,

Tom Sloane & Claire Defoe

Tom:

We've done a lot; fate knows for how long

For what we got, I've even thought.

But all I know....is down inside, I am.

Tom, Daria & Quinn:

Sleepin'..........

Daria:

An' Daria's heroes come to our fans,

to do their part for MTV.

An' all I know is.......we're still.....

Tom, Daria & Quinn:

Singin'..............

Oh.........oh.......

Ah..........ah.......

(It's back to Defoe's art room.)

Defoe:

And playing, on MTV space.

MTV's toons, performing heroics.....

Lost in time an' lost in space

An' meanin'.........

Tom,Daria & Quinn:

Meanin'............

(Just before Sandi's car fades into the sunrise,

we hear Quinn.)

Quinn: Is it collage yet?

Daria: Whoo-hoo....

(Back at the art room, Defoe is back at Jane's

Arts & Crass painting.)

Defoe: "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't

be thinner, for she's careful what she eats

for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Good nutrition

rules."(Sighs) No wonder Jane chickened out

from the contest.......(To the camera)Well,

that is our story. Thanks for coming here,

I think. Good night.

(Defoe exits the art room before the lights go

out; all we can see is the illuminated world

globe before it's changed for the credits and

the alter egos of our Lawndalians-------Daria

as Robotech's Lisa Hayes, Kevin as The Tin Man

from The Wizard Of Oz, Brittany as an Italian

gondolier, Trent as Spock from Star Trek,

Jane as Sailor Moon, Barch as a diamondback

rattlesnake, O'Neill as Emeril Lagasse, Defoe

as Sattgitarius, Tom as Julius Caesar, and

Quinn as a Borg from Star Trek: The Next

Generation---------all the while with Trent's

singing voice doing the last tune.......)

SCIENCE FICTION LAWNDALE FEATURE (REPRISE)

Parody of Science Fiction Double Feature

(Reprise)

Performed by Trent Lane

Trent:

Science fiction, Lawndale feature

Barch just built an', lost her

creature

Daria an' Tom, escaped from Janet

Trent an' Jane Lane just went, back

to their planet

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh............

At the late night, Lawndale feature,

picture show. I wanna go

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..............

To the late night..........Lawndale

feature.........picture......show.........

OWARI (THE END)