Historian's Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of Esteemers and the rest of established Daria Cannon. Peter W. Guerin has nothing on me.
Opening Sequence:
Rob Zombie's Dragula Plays in the background, as the following montage
plays:
A New Girl, one who could pass as Brittany Taylor in civilian clothes, is in
Principal Li's Office, grimacing as Angela Li is lecturing.
Daria and Jane are in Mr. O’Neill’s self-esteem class. Daria
turns her head as we pan over to the new girl who is making a comment.
Pan back to Daria and Jane. Daria raises an eyebrow. Pan up
to Mr. O’Neill, who smiles thoughtfully and nods his head.
Lawndale High Auditorium, the new girl is giving a speech. She face-faults
and covers her head as shoes come flying on stage.
The Mall of the Millennium. Daria, Jane, and the new girl have gotten separated
from the rest of the class, pan into a store window, where a Mannequin tilts
its head to look at them.
The Auditorium again. A man and a woman are chuckling behind stage, goat
horns and canine teeth growing as they do.
A large outdoor concert, at night. A man exits a port-a-potty, burps, and
wipes his mouth. Pan over to Daria, Jane, and the new girl, each with an
expression of suspicion on her respective face.
Out in the woods. Quinn is acting flaky in front of Daria, then she
sprouts insect wings. As Daria's eyes widen, Quinn flies away.
Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into
the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:
Headshrinkers
A Piece of Daria Fan
Fiction By Ben Breeck and Thea Zara.
Pilot Episode of the Stakes and Sarcasm Crossover AU.
Scene: Establishing Exterior Shot of
Li: Yes? (Beat) Well then, send her in. (Hangs Up)
Cut to the Door, which opens to admit a girl who looks remarkably like
Brittany, except that 1; she's wearing normal clothes, and 2; Her hair is
loose, not gathered into two ponytails. She Closes the door. Maintain the shot
as she walks up to Li's desk and sits down.
Li: So, I finally get to meet you. I make it a habit to always meet new
transfers.
Girl: Really? I suppose that's a very frequent occurrence.
Li: Not really. Those two girls just in front of you were the first new kids
this semester. (Beat) So, your mother's divorced, and she's been hired to
manage Gary's Gallery. I suppose that divorce is some explanation for
your fighting. But it's no excuse.
Girl: (Shrugging her shoulders) Could we just get this over with, I'm sure I'm
missing class.
Li: (Consulting a piece of paper) Well, it seems from these transcripts that
you weren't that worried about missing class.
Girl: Well, getting expelled has this way of re-arranging one's priorities.
Li: (Smiling Predatorily) I'm going to be blunt, young lady. Arson is a felony.
I didn't approve of your entrance into this school, and I still don't. You can
thank the superintendent. Despite the motto, and the visible security measures,
LAWNDALE HIGH is not a reformatory, which is where you belong.
Girl: But there were extenuating circumstances.
Li: And I really don't want to hear them. Listen. This is not the state of
Girl: You'd be surprised.
Li: I doubt it. And that's after school detention for you. Now, Jodie can show
you your first period before you can get you into more trouble. And please
treat LAWNDALE HIGH's facilities with more respect than you treated those of
Hemery High's.
Girl Exits the shot. Sound of a door opening and closing. Suddenly Angela
begins to shake as if she's having a seizure. She puts one hand on her head and
another over her breast bone, and grips them. She stops shaking.
Li: (Breathing Heavily) Easy. Easy there my
Cut to:
Scene: Hallway. Jodie is escorting the new girl to class. Music: Hitching
A Ride by Green Day.
Jodie: I didn't get your name the first time.
Girl: It's Buffy. Buffy Summers.
Jodie: I see. I'm Jodie, Jodie Landon. So, what brings you to
this fair town?
Buffy: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Jodie: Try me.
Buffy: (Visibly holding Back) Okay, I was expelled for fighting. And
burning down the gymnasium of my old school.
Jodie: You're right. I don't believe you. (Reaching the classroom,
and Gesturing to the Door) Okay, remember. Mr. DeMartino hates
stupidity. If he calls on you, better know the answer.
Buffy: (Grasping the knob) Okay, I think. (Turns it and enters the classroom.)
Cut to the classroom. Buffy walks from the door over to a desk beside
Daria's. Daria looks over at Buffy in annoyance. Pan up to Mr.
DeMartino. Music: Genius By Pitchshifter
DeMartino: WELL, class, LOOKS like we have ANOTHER new student. YOU
must be BUFFY SUMMERS. (Evil grin) I SUPPOSE you'd like a QUESTION
too...
Cut to Buffy, who sighs in resignation.
Cut to:
Scene: Establishing shot of Lawndale High' Cafeteria. Cut to Buffy
Walking, carrying a tray. Every male head (except Mack's) turning to her
with surprise and awe. (Mack just turns his head and turns it straight back to
Jodie, shrugging) Music: Fashion Victim by Green Day
Stacy: Hi, Who does your hair? Could you show me (or could you give me
some tips)?
Buffy turns her head, pan over to the Fashion Club table, where Sandi, Quinn,
and Stacy are looking appraisingly at Buffy, and Tiffany is just staring
off into space. Buffy walks into the shot and sits down at their table.
Buffy: Sure I can show you
Sandi: The Fashion Club is holding a membership drive. Want to come to
the next meeting tomorrow afternoon at my house?
Buffy: I'd love to, (sighs) it's just that the school psychologist stuck me in
this after school self-esteem class.
Sandi: (looks appalled and turns to Quinn) Well, then, Quinn, how'd you like to
be vice president?
Stacy: Could you show me some time? My name's Stacy, by the way.
Buffy: Sure, some time. My name's Buffy.
Quinn: Will it interfere too much with my dating schedule?
Sandi: Stacy, you can talk to losers some other time, like on your
fashion sabbatical.
Stacy visibly wilts.
Tiffany: (to Quinn) I don't think so...
Stacy: (Turning to Quinn) So, tell us about yourself, Quinn. Do you have
any brothers? Sisters? Cousins?
Buffy: Hel-lo! Still here! Don't I get a shot?
Quinn: Me? I'm an only child.
Pan over to Daria eating her lunch and watching the action, a Mona Lisa smile
on her face, as she subtly grits her teeth. Cut to:
Scene: Split Screen between the Summers' residence Kitchen and Lawndale High
Hallway, at a payphone. Buffy (At School) and her mother Joyce (At Home)
are having a conversation.
Joyce: Well, Buffy, It isn't as if getting detention your first day at a new
school is a good way to start.
Buffy: But that wasn't the worst of it. When I found out I'd tested out
with "low self esteem" and would have to take some stupid class, the
Fashion Club wouldn't give me the time of day. They let some airhead
princess in instead. Even made her vice president. And where did
that lady get her psych degree anyway,
Joyce: At least you still have the cheerleading team to try out for next week,
and what about that girl who shared her history book with you? The one
with the glasses?
Buffy: I don't even know her name. I think she was only doing it to be a
good Samaritan.
Joyce: Well, If you meet her again, be sure to thank her.
Buffy: I will.
Joyce: Oh, and Buffy,
Buffy: Yeah?
Joyce: Please try to stay out of trouble.
Buffy: I'll do my very best. (Hangs up. End
Commercial Break. Stinger: Buffy in Principal Li's office.
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Mr. O'Neill's
Self-Esteem class. Mr. O'Neill is lecturing. Music: Falling Down
by Vertical Horizon.
Mr. O'Neill: Esteem... a teen. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds
don't quite mesh. (Cut to a panning shot of the class. Buffy is once
again to the side of Daria, while Jane is behind Daria. Other familiar
faces include Brooke, Andrea, and Bobby Bighead) And that, in fact, is often
the case when it comes to a teen and esteem. The two just don't seem to go
together. But we are here to begin realizing your actuality. And when we do,
each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, "I
am." Now, before we...
Cut to Daria.
Daria: (interrupting) Excuse me. I have a question.
Cut to O'Neill
Mr. O'Neill: Sorry, question and answer time is later.
Cut to Daria
Daria: I want to know what "realizing your actuality" means.
Cut to a wide shot behind Mr. O'Neill looking at the class.
Mr. O'Neill: (pointing as he speaks) Well, for starters, Daria, or is that
Cindy, if you set your mind to it, you and Jane behind you could really change
the world. And you, Brooke, there's someone beautiful inside you just
waiting to burst forth, and no, plastic surgery will not release her,
and you, Buffy (She looks stricken), you could save the world if you try. and
you, Andrea...(Buffy breaths a sigh of relief).
Cut to Daria, Jane, and Buffy all in one shot.
Daria: Is this guy always like this? Or did he just forget to take his
insulin?
Jane: Actually, this is the first time he's ever given anything close to a
straight answer to that question, and I've been in this class six times now.
Buffy: So, how long's he been here?
Jane: Since I've been here at least, and I'm a sophomore.
Daria: So, any more surprises we need to know about?
Jane: I'll fill you in later.
Cut to:
Scene: The Street. Maintain the shot as Daria, Jane, and Buffy are
walking along. Music: Hush by Kula Shaker.
Jane: So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the
guys in separate rooms and a female counselor talks to us about body image.
Buffy: What do they talk to the boys about?
Daria: A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?
All: Nocturnal emissions.
Daria: I don't get it, Jane. You've got the entire course memorized. How come
you can't pass the test to get out?
Jane: I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me
feel special.
Cut to:
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of the Summers' residence, A slightly run
down ranch showing brick and vinyl faux wood siding. Cut to an interior
shot. Buffy is closing the door. Music: What's Wrong With Parents
Today by NOFX.
Joyce: (Off Screen) So, how was that self-esteem class?
Buffy (Whipping her head around) : Mom, You know I really don't have a
self-esteem problem, and what are you doing? I thought the gallery didn't
close until
Cut to Joyce.
Joyce: Business was slow today, so
Cut to:
Scene: Establishing Exterior Shot of Lawndale Mall. Cut to the
Dressing Rooms at Cashman's. Joyce emerges from a room in front of Buffy.
Music: No One Knows by
Joyce: Ta-dah. Well, how does it look?
Buffy: It looks like something Madonna might wear, (eyes narrowing) if she
quantum leaped back to relive the recording of her debut album.
Joyce: Buffy, you're starting to become such a stick in the mud. What
happened to that carefree, happy-go-lucky, cheerleader girl?
Buffy: She got expelled.
Joyce throws up her hands in frustration.
Cut to:
Scene: School
Boy: So... like what do you like to do after school?
Quinn: Oh, nothing special. Go to the movies. Or, like, a theme park. Or, out
for a really fancy meal now and then. Or maybe go to a concert if, like, I know
somebody's got good seats and is renting a limo and stuff.
Pan to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Jane: You hear that? He hasn't got a prayer.
Daria: Tell me about it. That's my sister.
Jane: Oh. Bummer.
Pan Back to Quinn and the Boy
Boy: So, you've got any brothers or sisters?
Quinn: I'm an only child.
Pan back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Buffy: Think I should tell Sandi about this?
Daria: Think Sandi would believe a word of it?
All: Nah..
Cut to:
Scene: Timothy O’Neill’s Self Esteem Class. Mr. O’Neill
is Lecturing.
Mr. O'Neill: So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves?
Anyone? (points to kid) Yes.
Cut to the kid.
Boy: We're... talking about us.
Cut back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent. When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking
about "us." Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we
talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of
you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you. (points to Buffy)
What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?
Cut to Buffy.
Buffy: Well for starters, that one where I'm stranded on a deserted island with
Joaquin Phoenix and a year's supply of KY Jelly seems really delicious to me.
Giggles from the class. Daria's lips quirk into a Mona Lisa Smile
Pan Back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: I see. Anybody else? (Pointing to Daria)
how about you?
Daria: Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent!
Daria: Something that'll really make them suffer.
Mr. O'Neill: Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think. (bell rings)
We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed.
Jane: Nice one.
Daria: Thanks.
Mr. O’Neill: (Off Screen) Buffy, Could you see me right now?
Buffy (To O’Neill) In a minute. (To Daria and Jane) Sorry. I have
to talk to this bozo. Don't wait up.
Daria: Don't worry. Mom and Dad would love to have you two as house
guests. But don't take too long with him, Sick, Sad World is
doing a special hour-long episode.
Jane: Don't want to miss it. It's about these weird murders that just
cropped up in Daria's former town. Daria personally knows at least two of
the victims.
Buffy: I'll put every effort into getting there.
Cut to Buffy walking over to Mr. O’Neill’s desk.
Buffy: So, what is this about? I mean, if it's about that daydream...
Mr. O’Neill: (Interrupting) No, that sort of thing is healthy for a girl
of your age. I wanted to talk to you about a different subject.
I've been reading through your permanent record.
Buffy: Really?
Mr. O’Neill: Yeah. It seems that right before you got expelled, you
got into gangs and fights.
Buffy: So?
Mr.: O’Neill: You can't run away from your problems. They
have a way of catching up to you. They can sneak up and bite you if you
aren't careful.
Buffy: (Eyes Wide) What are you trying to say?
Mr. O’Neill: (hands her a manilla envelope) What I'm trying to say is,
you of all people really have to start saying "I am," truly start
realizing your actuality. (Pats her shoulder) The sooner you start to
understand this, the better a place the world's going to be. (Walks out
of the shot.)
Buffy opens the envelope and pulls out a soft leather-bound volume with roughly
the same length and width as The Daria Diaries and about four times the
thickness, and face faults. Its gold leaf Middle English style Black
Letter "Gothic" type proclaims the volume to be The Slayer's
Handbook .
Commercial Break. Stinger: Buffy answering Mr. O’Neill’s
Question.
Scene: TV showing Mr. Anderson (The one who looks and sounds like Hank
Hill) from Beavis and Butthead , being interviewed by Sick, Sad World.
Music: Original Prankster, by the Offspring.
Mr. Anderson: I just knew those two were destined to come to no good end.
Knock at the door.
Daria: (Off Screen) Who is it?
Zoom out into Daria's room. Daria and Jane are watching Sick, Sad
World on Daria's bed.
Buffy: (Off Screen) It's me, Buffy.
Daria: Come in.
Cut to the Door, which opens to admit Buffy. Cut to Buffy walking over to
Daria's bed.
Jane: What took you so long? Show's almost half over.
Buffy: Well, I could tell you it was because your mother thought I was here to
see Quinn, who was over at Sandi's for a Fashion Club meeting, and could I wait
a few minutes for her to come home? That did happen, but the real
reason was that I was busy burning a school book in an open drum in an alleyway
downtown.
Jane: Really? Which book? Math? English?
Daria: I'm not going to share my history textbook again with you, and
that's final.
Buffy: Don't worry, it's not a class textbook. Just an extracurricular
activity rulebook that you can tell Mr. O’Neill I'm not
participating in. On second thought, maybe I'll tell him.
Jane: What is it? The Academic Team? The School Newspaper? Drama Horizons? The
Yearbook staff?
Daria: Young Optimists' Society?
Buffy: None of those. It's s- um, softball. Yeah, softball.
Daria notices the gaffe and rolls her eyes suspiciously at Buffy. Pan and
Zoom into the TV screen, where we see several dead bodies.
Sick Sad World Announcer: The Animal Sciences and Biological Sciences
departments at
Cut to Buffy, who, for a brief moment, face faults and recovers. Daria
and Jane's eyes are glued to the TV and they don't notice it..
Daria: You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right
Jane?
Jane: I've got them in my notebook.
Daria: Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class
once and for all?
Jane: How would I spend my afternoons?
Daria: Cryptozoology?
Jane: Now you're talking.
Buffy: Umm, wouldn't it be a little better if we could...
Daria: Listen. I experienced way too much psychobabble back at
Jane: Besides, I thought you wanted to be a cheerleader, like you were at your
old school. This way you can actually make the practices.
Buffy: Well, If you put it that way...
Cut to:
Scene: Mr. O’Neill’s Self-Esteem Class. Mr. O’Neill is
Lecturing. Music: One Step Closer, by
Mr. O’Neill: And so, for tomorrow I want you to make a list of ten ways
the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it.
Cut to an Anonymous Student.
Boy: Oh, Mr. O’Neill, Mr. O’Neill?
Cut Back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: Yes, um... you.
Cut Back to the boy.
Boy: Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?
Cut Back to Mr. O’Neill
Mr. O’Neill: Never been born. (bell rings) See you all tomorrow! (to
Daria, Jane, and Buffy) Hi! Did you need clarification on something we covered
today?
Cut to Daria, Jane and Buffy.
Daria: We feel really good about ourselves.
Buffy: Just happy all over.
Jane: We want to take the graduation test.
Pan back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But
there's still three more weeks of class left.
Cut back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy
Daria: This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you
teach.
Buffy: (winking) Yeah like, you're way better at this than my old
guidance counselor.
Cut Back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: Oh, well... thank you very much. (to Jane) You know, Jane,
at least I think its Jane, you may probably be my greatest triumph.
Cut Back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Daria: So can we take the test?
Cut back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill - Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so.
(Rummages for the test and finds it.) Okay, question one: "Self-esteem is
important because..."
Cut to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Daria: It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our
lives.
Cut back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill - Very good. Now, "The next time I start to feel bad
about myself..."
Cut back to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Buffy: Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are
special. No one else is like you."
Cut Back to Mr. O’Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: You three really have been paying attention! Okay,
"There's no such thing..."
Cut Back to Daria, Jane and Buffy.
Jane: As the right weight.
Daria: Or the right height.
Jane: There's only what's right for me.
Buffy: Because me is who I am.
Cut to Mr. O'Neill.
Mr. O’Neill: I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really
pleased! I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly this
Friday!
Cut to put them all in the shot.
Daria: I don't know about you, Jane, but I'm starving. I want to find out
if this Pizza King you keep talking about is the real deal.
Jane: Sure, but you're buying this time. Hey, Buffy, want to come along?
Buffy: In a minute, I have to disabuse Mr. O’Neill of a few things first.
Daria: Don't take too long.
Jane: Yeah, they don't reserve seats.
Daria and Jane exit the shot. Tighten the shot a little.
Mr. O’Neill: Well, so you finally came around. I hope you
didn't reveal the secret.
Buffy: Yeah, like they would believe the tripe my life has become.
Mr. O’Neill: Listen Buffy, I know it's hard....
Buffy: (interrupting) Hard? Try to look at this from my perspective, as
you're so wont to talk about. I'm sixteen, and I'll be lucky to reach
seventeen. I have to concentrate moderating my ball passing strength in
P.E. lest I break someone's arm, or rib. I have a killer night job that I
can't tell anyone about, especially not friends and family, and I'm constantly
hounded by overage nerds who keep talking about destiny. That sounds more
like unbearable.
Mr. O’Neill: Well, can definitely understand how you could feel
miffed. But listen, it's only two nights a week. I'll even come by
from time to time with hot chocolate.
Buffy: Won't the night watchmen get wise?
Mr.: O’Neill: What night watchmen?
Buffy: Listen, I don't care about this stupid destiny stuff. If I meet a
vampire, I'll stake it, or behead it, or do whatever, but don't make me take
the graveyard shift unless you really want to make me grouchy in the
morning. Oh, and if I see you anywhere off school grounds, I'll come out
of the closet, and drag you out with me. Understand?
Mr. O’Neill Swallows.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria, Jane, and Buffy on Daria's Bed.
Scene: Establishing nighttime exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to the
auditorium. On Stage, At the Podium is Principal Li. Daria, Jane,
and Buffy are sitting in the background with the faculty, right next to Mr. O’Neill.
Music: All Star by Smash Mouth.
Ms. Li: And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more
than $400, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we
will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting
homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. O’Neill has exciting
news about our after-school self-esteem class.
Zoom in to Daria, Jane, and Buffy.
Daria: This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.
Jane: Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta.
Buffy: I'm more likely to dream of zombies wearing football uniforms myself.
Cut back to the Podium, where Mr. O’Neill is up on stage.
Mr. O’Neill: Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's
brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until one day you go to
shift gears and nothing happens.
Kid: (Off Screen) That's transmission fluid!
(tittering and catcalls from audience)
Mr. O’Neill: That's... what I said. Anyway, I'd like you to meet three
students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever
before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of
self-esteem to... Daria Morgendorffer,
(meager applause)
Cut to Jane
Jane: Oh, what the hell. (stepping up to podium)
(meager applause dies)
Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem
gives me even more self-esteem. (glances at Daria, smirks) On the other hand,
having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad
like a big failure or something. (audience tittering) I, uh, I want to go home.
(sobs and runs off stage)
(audience laughs)
Cut to Mr. O'Neill
Mr. O’Neill: Daria, wait! (runs after Jane)
Cut to Daria.
Daria: (stepping up to podium) No one can battle a terrible problem like low
self-esteem on their own. It takes good coaching...
Cut to the audience, where we find the heckler, his friend Corey, and Quinn.
Guy: Who cares about these losers?
Corey: Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it? (chortles) Did you hear what I
said, Quinn? I said, like, who cares how bad this is -- it's still better than
algebra!
Guy: That's good, Corey. (cackles)
Quinn: Funny. That's funny, Corey.
Cut back to Daria.
Daria : ... realize my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem
takes support... from teachers, from friends and most of all, from family.
Cut back to Corey and Quinn.
Corey: Is that loser still talking? (cackles)
Cut back to Daria.
Daria: And so the one person I'd like to thank more than any other is my very
own sister, Quinn Morgendorffer. My sister Quinn has forgotten more about
self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there, sis? Stand up and let me
thank you.
Cut to Quinn, who face faults and tries to hide. Cut back to the podium.
Daria has just stepped down and Buffy is stepping up to the microphone.
Buffy: Boy, this is wonderful to be here. I had this feeling of
relief ever since I regained my self-esteem. I 'm feeling shallower by
the second. Any minute now, I might just be ready to join the Fashion
Club, and rule
Cut to Joyce in the audience.
Joyce: (Thought Voice-Over) Looks like my little girl's new friends are rubbing
off on her. She's never shown this sense of humor before.
Cut to Daria, Helen, and Jake.
Helen: Daria, I don't believe this.
Jake: Yeah, you really whipped that self-esteem problem and sure made a monkey
out of us.
Helen: Daria, we remember out agreement. Is there anywhere you really
want to go to?
Daria: (Eyes Shifting too and fro) Actually, there is this one
place...
Cut to:
Scene: Establishing exterior shot of the
Jane: This is going to really swell my sketchbook.
Daria: And who knows? There might even be a few escaped Orangutans
and Chimps out there augmenting the bears and drunken muddy campers that make
up most of the sightings.
Jane: Yeah. As many as 5% of this stuff doesn't come from hoaxers.
Pan over to Jake, Helen, and Quinn.
Quinn: Mo-om! I want to go home!
Jake: Don't worry, kiddo, it's supposed to close in an hour.
Helen: Then we'll take you to Chez Pierre.
Quinn: But Jeffy promised to drive me there for my date with Michael! Why
couldn’t I just stay home?
Helen: Because fourteen is just too young for you to stay in the house on your
own.
Jake: (staring, points) Helen, take a look at that!
Quinn wanders out of the shot. Cut to Quinn looking bored at the lobby,
the final rays of the sun blazing in from the windows.
Voice: Hi, I'm John. You're Cool.
Quinn looks in the direction of the voice, and smiles. Pan to a handsome
young man in a gorilla costume cradling the mask under his elbow. Cut to
Daria and Jane.
Jane: Daria, why didn't Buffy come? Her mom did sign off on this
little field trip too.
Daria: I dunno. She said something about important business she needed to
take care of downtown back in
Cut to:
Scene: The alley behind the Zen. Buffy and some anonymous vampire are
fighting it out in that inimitable Buffy style. Buffy grounds the vamp
and stakes him, then dusts herself off. Music: Rise by The Cult.
Buffy: (Walking out of the alley) Well, now he can't say I did nothing.
Roll Credits. Maintain the song.
Disclaimer:
The Characters of Buffy Anne Summers, Joyce Summers, Liam "Angel"
O'Roarke, and the concepts of the Vampire Slayer, the Watcher, and the
Watchers' Council are the creation of Joss Whedon and copyright him, Mutant
Enemy, Incorporated, and Kazui and Kazui Productions, Distributed by Time
Warner AOL and Universal-Paramount, Incorporated. The Character of Mr.
Anderson is the creation of Mike Judge and Copyright MTV Studios. The
remaining characters, the setting, and much of the scenario are the creation of
Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and copyright MTV Studios. The use of these
copyrights is not to be construed as a challenge to them.
Permission is Granted to repost, redistribute, or retransmit this piece in any
shape or form, provided that this disclaimer remains intact, the author(s)
receive proper credit, and no one receives financial remuneration except Glenn
Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mike Judge, Joss Whedon, Viacom (The Parent of MTV
Studios), Mutant Enemy, Incorporated, or Kazui and Kazui Productions.
Explanation:
Seven years ago, as I was finishing up my Senior Year at
It took until very recently, last October to be exact, when I got satellite TV,
for me to appreciate Buffy. What happened was that I was randomly channel
surfing on Halloween, when I came upon a Buffy marathon on FX. When
I saw the episodes "Passion," "Becoming, Parts 1 and 2,"
and especially "The Gift," I was absolutely blown away. I began
following it regularly, and the more I watched it, the more captivated I was.
The most proximate cause of this story was my rereading of