“Alright, class. Today we are going to start our presentations! I hope all of you are as excited as I am!” a collection of groans rose in response to Mr. Oneil’s plastic, smiling face. A slight twitch of his lips, and the negative feedback was repressed. “Well, who would like to go first? Any volunteers?” Everyone stared.
Mr. O’neil gave a nervous chuckle, than frantically looked down at a piece of paper he held. “How about Jane and Daria? Their play is about family values!” He emphasized the last words, to try and make them seem significant. Without hesitation, Daria stood and walked to the front of the room. Jane followed with a spiteful gait.
They both stared out at the class for an awkward amount of time. “Our play is about family values.” Daria declared dryly. She then lapsed back into silence. Jane’s cheeks convulsed in an effort to fight back a smirk. “Um, yes. Could you please start?” O’neil frantically pleaded, when he realized they were making no effort on their own.
“Of course.” Daria replied curtly, and then pulled her hair back with a red bandanna. She then grabbed her old leather jacket out of a plastic bag and wore it over her green coat. Jane took a bonnet and scarf out of her back pocket, and lethargically donned them. They pulled up two chairs, and immediately fell into character.
“So, Darlene…” Jane began, with the stereotypical drawl of a hacking senior citizen, “You haven’t come to visit your poor old mother since your father died. What in hell do you want?” With this, Jane shook a fictitious cane at Daria accusingly.
“Oh, mother. You know I’ve been busy at the slaughterhouse. But now that I’ve been fired for using illegal substances during my shift, I’ll have much more time to spend with you.” Daria issued her lines without hesitation, but she was a poor actor. Her character had the same demeanor she usually held.
“You wretch! You didn’t care when your loving father, my husband, died! And you’re just waiting for me to go too, so you can get your greedy hands into our money! Well, the joke is on you! I plan on changing the will statement myself!” at this point, Jane was shaking with fury. Daria held up her hands defensively. “Please, mother. Calm down. I don’t want your money. It was never important to me. Just drink your tea, and let’s talk. I’m sorry I was away for so long, but it couldn’t be helped.”
Jane glared spitefully as she too a sip out of an imaginary cup. Daria followed suit with her own. There was a brief moment of peace, but it was shattered when Jane began to violently cough. She desperately stood up from her chair, but finally fell to the ground. “I’m afraid you won’t be in the condition to change your will.” Daria looked down at the floor with a satisfied smirk. Jane stared up with a stupid sort of shock. “You demon…” She finally whispered. Daria gave a loud and unsettling laugh. It sounded very artificial, forced. “Oh, mother! You have no idea. You see, I was telling the truth when I said I don’t care about your money. It is a bonus to my dirty work, nothing more. And in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I killed father as well.”
“Why?” Jane whispered in horror. Daria shook her head humourously. “Mother, mother. Do you know how hard it is to find a fresh corpse without making one yourself? Lord Satan has very strict tastes, and he would be most displeased if I made him an offering with someone who had been dead for over a day.”
Without another word, Daria grabbed Jane by the ankles and dragged her out of the classroom. They reentered moments later, and stood before their dumbstruck peers. Jane gave a theatrical bow, and Daria flatly stated “The end.”
Two minutes later, Daria and Jane were in the principal's office.